What is a Covert Narcissist? Complete Overview!
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- Опубликовано: 16 сен 2024
- What is a covert narcissist? It's a person who has a narcissistic personality disorder but maybe does not show the grandiose sense of self-importance typically associated with narcissism. They may appear shy or modest at times.
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16 years with my wife. Always wondering why I am making her so angry. About 12 years ago, I begin to look inside me. I thought I was not doing a good job. I thought I was a bad husband. She always said she had so much to maintain this relationship and she had done so much for the family. I am so confused. Long time ago , I almost thought I was a narcissist. I didn't treat her good. Because I am good at my job, she said I am just so vain. Until yesterday, she had a huge rage, threating to throw all my stuff out , I decided to leave for a moment. I suddenly realize I am not the one who is a narcisst , she is the one. She always play victim. She always tell her friends I am not good enough. I feel so bad about myself, even though I am quite respected in my carreer as a team leader. Sorry for saying so much here. Hope what I say don't ruin your day.
It took me 13 years to realize my husband was a covert narcissist and a psychopath. He actually admitted he has “no sympathy,empathy or guilt for anything he does, in fact he can’t even love.” His words, not mine. He also said it absolutely enrages him to be criticized.
Same
25yrs and 6 months into this NeverEnding argument I turned to her and said I think you might be a narcissist.
As a matter of fact I think you know what you're doing. Those are not autistic meltdowns.
And your lack of productivity and life is not attention deficit disorder.
She looked at me and said, "So what if I am. I'm not going to change."
Six months later, right after our family beach vacation.
She filed for divorce and immediately started sleeping with a co-worker.
I probably would have stayed with her. If not for her actions after me confronting her.
When I asked her if there's any way she would rethink her position she said, "I DID THAT TO END THIS".
So you out or nah?
Mine said he can't love too
Yup
Took me 12 years to realize the same with my soon ex husband
It took me 29 years to realize my husband was a vulnerable narcissist. It was quite an ordeal to leave him but, my life has improved 1000% and I have never looked back.
28 years with covert narcissist. It's hell.
Trying to leave. Idk of mine is covert or malignant but he is definitely insufferable
34 years with diagnosed covert. Recently just filed for divorce and his secret life blossomed overnight~sex and woman and is actually sleeping with a woman as we speak. He just doesn't know I am fully aware-
31 years here and I am on my way out. 🎉🎉
@rra1762 how did you start to leave him?
When the covert narcissist is your mother, it’s a special kind of hell. 😐. I am trying to become financially independent so I do not have to interact anymore. That’s the only factor that holds me. (There are a set of circumstances) It’s very hard. These videos help, thank you.❤
Good luck with freeing yourself. I hope one day you don’t have to depend on her for anything. Then the relationship will be on your terms. You can put them in timeout, walk out whenever they try to control you. You can set up boundaries for yourself.
@@AnusiaLA Thank you.💛 That's what I hope to accomplish.
Never was your real mom and never will be think
Of her as an exchange and host family that raped and betrayed your light because that’s all
They are
my mother is the covert narcissist too, she is 87, and has dementia. I have functional contact with her, cannot go no contact. Everyone has different circumstances , why they can't just walk away.
Your description of the Covert Narcissist described my Mom exactly. Unfortunately she played me and I got all caught up with being codependent. I tried all my life trying to please this woman and nothing I did was good enough. The confusion came when one minute I wasn’t good enough to then all the love bombing. She made me feel crazy. Well at 56, I finally got her figured out with all the manipulation and belittling. She has treated my husband bad and my kids. Now she is 85 and has been diagnosed with advanced dementia with behavioral issues. She is currently in a nursing home. I decorated her room nice only to have our pictures along with her grandkids and great grandkids pictures turned upside down and stacked on a shelf. I just call the facility to check on her and hardly visit. Also have started therapy for all the childhood trauma. The one good thing in this, is I broke the mold. I did not raise my kids like she did me.
More Power to you❤
Well done
Victim victimizer protocol. She's a broken soul puppeteered by her unhealed issues. Don't hate or blame or judge her. Blame hate and judge what controls and defeated and tortures her. The demons and negative energy overcame her. I doubt she chose to make these decisions. She was manipulated from within. The biggest victimizers are the most broken lost victims inside
Both me and my mother are 10yrs advanced from your age. Being born and trained by them I think we mistake a lot for NORMAL. The behavior between covert and dementia is similar in a lot of ways, drove me crazy trying to think what is this? Now handling POA from a distance. The big give away is she still is very careful to abuse or manipulate only in private always did so siblings don't get it.
Being a victim of a Narcissist partner, I met a Covert Narcissist. Fortunately I saw the red flags immediately. He confused me at first, he was telling me that he was a victim of his parents, ex wife, children, brother and friends. At first I remembered my rescuing character but at his first accusation and after being educated on Narcissism I stopped communicating with him and started thinking. I have to learn not rescuing everyone and set boundaries.
We are no longer picking up dead snakes and stray dogs.
Lol that’s not covert at all
when they end up alone and lonely, they will still blame you and talk shit about you.
recently dropped a friend that was a covert narcissist and it wasn't until after i finally cut them out of my life I realised the control i let them have over me (I'm working through issues with my codependant traits in therapy). They prey on that voice inside you that wants to be the helper or the dependable one, don't get lost in that
Healthiest advice: leave the narcissist
If you stay, you will die a slow death, often by causing you so much ongoing stress that you end up with cancer.
Leave while you can and ...for god's sake...NEVER have children with a narcissist unless you're a sadist who enjoys watching children being destroyed.
I'm 41. It took me 41 years to realize my mother is Covert. She almost killed me last year as she drove me right to the brink of suicide. I kicked her out of the apartment to save myself, and lost the apartment through the turmoil. My 4 y.o daughter and I are now in a homeless shelter and even knowing we were homeless she shut my phone off, and is now trying to take the car. I begged her friend to get her to therapy, but she refused again. Of course. Trying to hold clothes for my daughter and rescuing everything that's about to go to auction in storage over my head to see my daughter. But, I won't. I told her storage or not, there would be no visits without several therapy sessions. I told her friend- I can only heal myself. Finally I'll never have to look back or feel guilty for shutting her out and walking away. I let her friend know this was the last time the offer would be on the table. She made her choice and I made mine. Sending love to everyone recovering from the abuse.
Why is your mom financially responsible for your home, car and cell phone? You are old enough to take care of yourself.
@@stephaniejackson776 The mother has made it be that way If you can ask her that question it means you haven't encountered a narcissist in your life otherwise you would understand her situation. She said she only found out after over 40 years
@ScrappyZoneDFS actually I do. And again, she is old enough to care for herself. She had a child without her mother's permission therefore it's time to grow up and take care of one's self.
Are you doing better now? Praying for you and your child.
I don't know you're situation other than the paragraph I've just read. However, I do know that recovery from dealing with a narcissist for your ENTIRE life and not realizing what / who you were dealing with or the damage being caused by being subject to this type of person/behavior. Nobody has the right to keep you or your child's belongings, no matter the situation. You're dealing with a narcissist though... not a normal, rational, person. The person you're dealing with either:
A: can not regulate their emotions. Even if they try (or want to try) they just are not physically able to because they literally don't know how. I've had it explained to me that they feel like they are just going to explode and only see it their way...therefore, nothing to regulate because "nothings wrong."
Or
B: aren't able to regulate their emotions on a natural, regular, basis. However, after being prompted, on occasion they do "show" some type of emotion. And that is usually after they've worn you down so much, and you just want peace and quiet; AKA a no more "bullshit", and would probably give in even if they only offered you a drink of water from the hose. This is called pseudo empathy.. its real😢. All that being said, now that you've removed you/your daughter from that situation, YOU have the power to take control starting today. It won't be a walk in the park. You may need to ask for help to get you all the way back on your feet, but it is there. It may be in small increments, however, every little bit will help in some way to hopefully get you through another day..then another day, and so on. Sending you positive vibes and love 😍
Wow…I was a rescuer. My marriage was the most damaging relationship I’ve had. He was a covert. I didn’t even realize until I made a plan to get out. Thankful I’m free now. You have great videos! Love your content!
I’ve spent countless hours watching vids on covert narcissism and this is the best explanation. Thank you sir ❤
My ex-husband had a combination of Covert and Overt that he nearly packaged together and used both tactics to get his own way not just with me but everyone in his life. I noticed that slowly but surely he lost respect from friends.. coworkers...bosses....his parents and siblings along with neighbors. These people can be very dangerous so if your involved with one please walk away and never look back! When I decided to finally leave I gave myself the greatest gift and created a magical life that I deserve just as everyone does 💫❤💫
You're right about them being dangerous. It doesn't matter if you are family, friend or an associate of theirs, they will go to extreme lengths to hurt & punish you! You would be in disbelief and caught off guard by their actions towards you, cause you know you didn't do anything for them to take matters as far as they do!
Dangerous they are. Very revengeful. This is why I haven't left yet. Too scared. Feeling very vulnerable with his huge family nearby, while I am far away form my country of origin. Want to liberate myself, but don't know how at this point...
Get out now I lived very far from my family. But I new when it was time. You can do it! Was with him for eighteen years.
Just described my mother- in detail. I swear to god at 93, I can’t bare much more of her 😩
Same here. I only realised after she died as I knew no different. Spent half my life feeling sorry for her and half being irritated by her as she was such a victim. Turned everything around. Always made me feel guilty. Loved her very much, but if only I knew what I know now when I was young !
This exactly describes my last 4-5 years. I got myself back. I know more now.😢 I am working on myself.
Its took 11 years to see the reality of this and i think i have displayed some of the same behaviours in defense of it
Yes, this happens and did to me too
I think they call that “getting up with fleas”.
Both my parents were narcissists and as a result I’ve “intuitively” partnered w 2 narcissists. Counseling or negotiating with a narcissist is an empty gesture. Counseling only educates the narcissist how to be Better at manipulation.
This is my husband of 20+ years to a T!
Sadly I'm dependent on him financially and he takes full advantage of that fact.
Thanks for explaining it.
Financial dependency was something my husband created and I foolishly did not noticed until now when I find myself trapped like a fly in his "spider's web."
I feel trapped like a fly in a spider's web. I got my own account my work money goes directly to my account. And they doesn't see it.. I canceled our line of credit after he got frauded money on it and his identity being stolen.
Same
Find a way, any way, to get out, you know you're being used and abused and put up with it 'because you're dependent on him', try and find a way NOT to be and leave.
Your husband laughs on the inside every day you're with him as he knows you know and are seemingly passive about it.
There is no love in a narcissist marriage, surely that's no life for you.
I know, have just pulled the plug on my 22 year marriage to my wife.
Same here. I also have to stay because I have a boy with ASD and ADHD 😢
I realized that my most recent relationship may be a covert narcissist masking depression. I was always blamed for things that I did not do and even accused me of horrendous things that I did am never aware of doing. Eventually, he became tired and I was discarded for another woman but was still accused that he never cheated because we are falling apart. We never broke up while he was having an affair. It was tiring but I am glad I pulled myself out.
My older brother just got diagnose with covert narcissism and omg it’s helping out relationship and family dynamic.
Going grey rock with my covert narcissistic mother was an already paved path, as she's always made clear that she's not interested in me anyway. I had to let go of any hope of affection as I pictured it, and take emotional distance, which took me many years, but I did, progressively. Going grey rock is the best relationship I can have with her, yet the idea bugs me that by doing that I still play by her rules which are that I'm only allowed to be invisible to her at best, while she still feeds, to some extent, on my attention and empathy. You can't win with a narcissist. But it helps a lot hearing and reading words that clarify my thoughts, validate my behavior on the matter, and let me know I'm not alone in this ship. Thank you.
Why not just go no contact and stop letting her suck the life out of you while you get nothing, it's never going to be a real relationship anyways and they are never going to love you either, my ex dad is a narcissist and I came to accept that I don't have a dad and never did, if you keep them in your life even at a distance they still damage you and find ways to hurt you, and she will keep using you to fuel her fake victimhood and as a punching bag...you deserve better, once they are gone and you grieve the loss of what should have been your life and self confidence will go up and life will improve, it's hard but it's worth it, personally I'd rather be alone than around an enemy and that is what a narcissist is to everyone not just you or me...they steal all joy and stab you in the back over and over...that's not love or a parent...it's a slave master, free yourself because you alone hold the keys to the cell you are in, haven't you sacrificed enough...it's finally time for your day she's had enough days for her!
27:years married to him & only learned about this persinality disorder 3 years ago. It resonated so much that it made me shake! Discovered he is cheating on me about 3 weeks ago & am divorcing him. Looking forward to be free. 🙏
Had believed my spouse to be overt, but realized he's covert recently.
Now I get it. Now I see it.
He used to insist to me & all three of our children - "I Do Everything & You All Do Nothing!"
He Triangulates constantly.
He's a horrible manipulator
My plan to extricate myself is in motion...
He won't know what's happening until it's too late & that train has left the station...
'As My Darkness Turns To GOLD Inside"
...Forever.
Oh Lord, I am probably an enabler for my son. He had to leave our home several times
Listening to your video I am the enabler. My husband is
my. rock. I am trying to learn how to not give in. Being Mom can be very difficult. Thank you for posting this video.
Yes it can be very difficult being a mom. And if you recognize your enabling, encourage you to get some professional help to learn how to create healthier boundaries. You can make a difference. All my best to you.
It's taken me about 22 years to realize I am married to one. Yes, they are meek, mild and passive in public but are very passive aggressive at home. Gets stresssed easily and everything is my fault. Can not have a muture dicussion, they are defensive and blame me. There is so much more and it is so so exhausting. I'm taking steps to change my situation. I am being a grey rock until I'm set up to leave
I'm 4 months out of a 18 month relationship with a covert narc and wow the things I have learned in that 4 months about my narcissist is amazing. I had no clue about NPD at all until doing some research and am so grateful for all the quality information out there on this topic. Still hard to wrap my brain around what was actually going on in my relationship with this person so grateful I'm healing from it now. Every conversation I had with her was a mind game with her trying to manipulate Every situation to suit her needs. A professional victim with a grown child wound that has been haunting her all of her life. I pray she can heal herself and find some peace but I highly doubt it at this point. I'm grateful I connected the dots afterwards and my life is getting better each and every day.. 🙏 🙌
Same here brother. I was in for 6 years and almost married her. I knew something was off the whole time but it took me the 6 years to finally figure it out. I feel so terrible for her because it sounds like something she'll never break free from. God bless you and good luck.
My former BFF is a textbook covert narc. What an emotional roller coaster, especially at the end of our friendship when I had her figured out and would no longer let her control or manipulate me. She was the queen of manipulation, triangulating one of my oldest friends against me. Eventually she showed her true colors… mostly… there are still people though who think she’s so sweet and feel sorry for her. But they have no idea who they’re really dealing with. I have zero sympathy for her because I know who she really is. I have no contact and it will always be that way. I’m done.
This guy that was supposedly a best friend fit all the criteria for covert narcissist. Once his communications were intercepted and saw what he was doing behind my back and how he talked about me, I didn't think there was a whole lot to lose in walking away.
It doesn't matter what the official diagnosis is, their behavior is the problem.
I almost died due to this person's abuse and neglect. He acted sympathetic to what was going on, then I find out he was behind quite a lot of what happened to me.
One of the best and most concise descriptions of a Covert Narcissist I have ever heard! My Ex ticked every single box. I was married to a CN for forty seven years and didn’t have a clue what I was up against. I thought he would change. Nope! One night I knew I was done and left him for good. I am happily divorced and now married to the man of my dreams. A total 180 degrees from the Ex. Thanks so much for sharing.
He looks meek, but he is a skilled manipulator, First class. Marriage counseling did not connect the dots.... RUclips is a gold mine. I keep my grey rock (river rock I found while hiking) on the table, because I need to hold it in my hand to resist all the provocations from the narcissist...holiday is coming and more stressors could aggravate his anxiety. He needs scape goat...beware. Thank you Jim.🙏❤Appreciate greta tips.
Good idea. I have an actual gray rock i can use to remind me also. Or maybe a stress ball would be better
I dated a Covert narcissist for a year and I'm still traumatized by that experience many years later
Same. I left 6 months ago, after only 3 months of dating, but it was the most emotionally draining relationship I've ever experienced.
Your video was so enlightening. I just had an experience with a person you described them perfectly. I was a rescuer and codependent I have been working on myself for quite a while now. Until I watch your video my explanation for the behaviour was his problem towards women. I am proud of myself for setting boundaries speaking with confidence and not being drawn into the emotional performance at all. It not about shaming and blaming it’s about understanding there by not feeling confused.
Like you mentioned they look for faults in others and everything.
He asked me yesterday (on our way to dropping him off at the airport).
“How do you not get disenchanted with people with society?”
I said “I mind my own business and allow others to be who they are and do what they choose to do” 🤷🏼♀️
Seriously, it was hard work.
Thank you 🙏😊
I’ve lost 20 years to covert narcissist. Now my child is losing their identity and mental health to the same monster. Most days I cannot believe these abusers are operating under our noses.
I’m so sorry you went through this! I’m watching my son go through this now and it’s heartbreaking 💔
Hi babe, it's because we choose what we want to see. Unless people physically show us who they really are, we really won't see it. Anyone can smile in our faces!
Thank you Jim! I think that you are inside my head with "why can I never quite get it right" or "why am I always making him angry" . The intermittent reinforcement kept me in a bad relationship for far too long. My sister told me to look up narcissistic supply on U-Tube. 6 months of U-tube videos, and therapy, has helped me go no contact with this person. Your words are to the point and kind.
Just left a friendship where my ex-friend self admitted to having narcissistic tendencies. I walked on eggshells and generally felt unsafe. The relationship quickly became toxic because I stopped shutting down during arguments and fought back. Ultimately we both said things to each other that can’t be unsaid. I had to learn that her projections and insecurities were not mine to take on anymore and that it isn’t my responsibility to make her happy. I’m doing much, much better without the relationship, and while I do think back about the friendship and see the good times, I also know that at the end of the day, the relationship wasn’t good for me. I hope anyone who’s been in a similar relationship can quickly realize what they need to do to keep their peace, and have found healing 💚
I really get how hard it is to decide to cut away because with friendship or any other emotional tie you experience the good times too. If its an obvious enemy or just some one who you know doesn't like you and upsets you then it's easier just to not let them any where near you. More complex when it's a close relationship. Just cut off myself and its a wierd mixture of grief, sadness yet a sense of relief and freedom. Takes time though eh. All the very best on your healing journey🙏
I recently left someone whom I called friend , we met only once then it was a virtual friendship . He deliberated started ignoring my texts and say things like being with him will be a roller coaster and if there is no dependency there is no love and I also felt he saw a picture of me with other male friend and tried to tribulations with me with his wife . I said sorry for things for which I was not my fault thinking May be I misunderstood things and I wanted to give chance for which he told me he thinks I have self esteem issues that u forgave him and ever explain everything , for which I told I did that out of humility . I felt he was passive aggressive . Never admits his mistakes and changes his behaviour and accused me that , with me he can’t be himself and I am too sensitive and I over react . I am not sure but something was really off with that person either he was a bipolar or a narcissist. I recently told him I don’t want to deal with him and he doesn’t deserve my friendship so he blocked me from everywhere . Can someone tell me what signs are these ??
Jim I’d just like to say I really enjoy your videos. I found you originally on Instagram and looked you up on here. I hope you do more extensive videos like this. Thanks again
Thank you so much, I will! Would any particular topic be helpful?
This is one of the best videos on the topic I've seen. This guy knows his stuff!
My father is a covert narcissist. I do not regret removing him from my life. I’ve connected dots recently in that my lack of self trust is a result of his abuse.
So happy for you.
I stayed 18yr knowing what he is but eventually loved myself more. Leave & NEVER look back
My ex is this kind of narcissist with some of the overt traits combined. If only I knew this so many years ago
I am in this type of relationship now. Its so difficult. Because of the constant belittling, critisisms, scoldings and guilt trips I recieve, I at times feel like I'm just a fool. He will criticize me and if I react or attempt to defend myself he will turn it around and say that I am a terrible person because I make HIM feel like he can't do anything right. Which I assume means that I should just accept what he is telling me and not respondd. We have some good moments but usually they happen when he gets his way. I've been in this relationship for almost 8 years. I had kids before before the relationship. And as time goes by his true colors are showing. He recently told me that he's already done the kids thing and he doesn't want kids in the house Meaning that my grandkids are not really welcome to freely come over and visit. Even though he recently got a big raise, he says that the financial help I give him is not enough anymore. I dont like to argue. I just want peace. I'm tired but determined to leave. I just dont know where to start. Especially knowing how he will react. He is not violent, he is just emotionally maniputlative. I need my self confidence back. I think I need therapy
Yes get therapy and leave. The healthier you get the less attractive he will become. Narcissists are psychologically repulsive people. My husband of 18 years has given me brain damage basically. All the unnecessary yelling and the insults..i see through it but its still damaging. I eas diagnosed with ms. I am actually taking natural remedies which work well and i am finishing a masters degree then im gonna kick him out of this house
I've been in 28 years.. if you have the means to leave, then you probably should. Save yourself more upcoming years of heartache and never ending arguments that "you're causing" (allegedly) and how you're always "making him feel like he does nothing right!" (although I bet you're not actually even SAYING those words or trying to do anything to make him feel that way). The reason I say those things is because when I read your post, parts were a duplicate of the situation in my own life. Which, until very recently, I've "held out hope" for many, MANY, years, because these people are great talkers AKA "future fakers" and your heart wants to believe every word. Eventually though, your hearts been broken so many times, it starts slowly dying, and "fight or flight" takes over.. thats when the brain kicks into action to save your life! You have to be alive to see your beautiful grandkids, right?? Don't let someone take that from you. I can't imagine not seeing my grandkids. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with such coldness in your relationship. Happiness is out there. You have it in you, it's just being stifled. One thing I tell myself when I'm feeling stupid or foolish for believing and/or putting up with the bs for so long, is this: "Never let anyone else determine YOUR worth!"
Because that's what I did for so long. I let his words (lies) get into my brain, and just kept believing "I made him feel like he does NOTHING RIGHT", so I spent years researching, buying books, or watching videos on "how to speak properly to my spouse", "how to show my spouse love", "how to make my spouse feel secure", "what am I doing wrong in my marriage?"... and on and on... and guess what? 0 results. Not for lack of trying on my part. It was a harsh, yet, necessary realization that this situation will not change until I change it by removing myself from it. You look young in your profile pic... with a lot of life left. Make it a great one irmagonzalex9838 I DON'T KNOW YOU BUT I DO KNOW YOU'RE WORTH IS UNMEASURABLE AND THAT YOU ARE DESERVING OF A GREAT LIFE! Wishing you all the best...❤
It does sound like he plans to discard you. Discard him first. Leave asap. Once they get to this point, it never gets better. They become more critical, more abusive, etc.
Thank you for your simple and helpful response to covert narcissism. I believe I am the empath,and co-dependent in a 6-1/2 year marriage. I am currently getting therapy for this including trauma and anger issues. Anyway…sadly in a state of marriage separation. My wife discarded me after the love bombing and de-value transitions. There was a lot of crazy making through our relationship. It seems like I was reacting to her actions which was terribly wrong on my part. I wish I could have more receptive and just walked away. Sadly pride won, which put me at a disadvantage. I know i am to blame for many outbursts. The good thing is though lonely and have the dreadful feeling of rejection and abandonment over the past four months, I am grateful for the support and assistance from a wonderful Christian based therapist who is helping me through my own inner struggles and external challenges in my broken marriage. If anyone has experienced anything similar to my situation, I would be grateful if you would share your experience if you are willing and able. Thank you.
Where you from bro?
I cant belive how i'm able to connect dots now. It feels like a puzzel is solved, biggest puzzle of my life.
My son and I had a crisis yesterday, and it's because I finally realized he is what you call a covert narcissist and I called him out on a recent issue, not saying he is a narcissist but calmly asking him why he did something to me. He flew into a rage and feigned ignorance about it. His father is a blatant narcissist who abused me for many years and my son grew up not respecting me, but pretending, I guess, to be on my side. I didn't want to hurt him because he had a tough childhood. I left but couldn't get him to come with me so he stayed with his father. Eventually, his father came to my apartment and beat me up and dragged me back home. I couldn't stand not knowing how my son was. He was 13. For a long time I couldn't understand what had happened, when I'd tried so hard to make up for the bad stuff in my son's life.. Now I think what happened was a sort of Stockholm Syndrome for narcissists. He identified with his father and his father's agenda. This is how evil his father is. According to what you are all saying, there's nothing I can do about it. For the last 40 years I've just tried not to ruffle feathers. But yesterday, I decided I would because I was feeling whenever my son called me, "Oh no!" No one wants to feel that way about their kid. I think he's the one who turned my grandchildren against me as well, but I'm not going to bring that up. I think that would be the last straw. Who knows what he would do. I feel like I'm always carrying a shield around. At this moment it's all I can do to keep from running to the phone and saying "I'm sorry I hurt you."
I have covert narc neighbors. All they're interested in is being against me, treating me poorly, and trying to take my money and property from me. And they DO play the victim. I've noticed that when I don't give them things, they leave me alone.
I’m a covert narcissist. Wow. Pray for my friends.
how about pray for yourself.
A narcissist admitting they're a narcissist is a rare sight indeed.
If it's true.
You know what's great? When you finally get real with yourself and you no longer have any vulnerabilities others can use against you🤗 thank you Jesus.
It took me 15 years to find the answers of all those questions in my head about my husband’s behavior 😢he is a covert narcissist 😢
This is exactly who I was dealing with. A cover narcissist. Thankyou. He has a name now!
This was an absolutely accurate and thorough overview. 😊
Wolves in Sheep's clothing. Everything is a facade. Truly pathetic, twisted and dangerous in every way.
Top notch video.
Have seen many on the topic and this the best one yet so thanks and I've happily subscribed 🌻
It took me years to see this in my ex, the gaslighting was intense. He always worked harder, sacrificed more and always did more. It did allow me to see that I am co-dependent and it’s been a journey of self discovery ever since I left.
I just had a huge realisation
That was/is my mother. 🤦♀️🙏
My wife accused me of being a narcissist. I went on a 6 month binge of narcissism and traits and am I one. After months of watching hundreds of hours of therapists descriptions and explanations on YT. Many many articles from different psych therapy magazines. After all this I now understand that she may be a covert narcissist. Idk for sure, but she checks the boxes. We did couples counseling and she said she was still willing to make marriage work. 3 weeks later she moved out while I was working, no notice. She blames me for being gone ( i drive otr) I make more money than I ever have now and I think it threatened her. The therapist had to Constantly tell her to stop interrupting me in therapy and she said I'm to blame. Not to mention in 12 years she could never take accountability for starting at least one argument, not one in 12 years really? I started everyone of them, even when I ignored the stupid baiting game. She would try to rope me in and push my buttons on politics. Im stubborn and will argue like most people, but I owned my flaws from day 1 and in therapy admitted that i start more arguments overall, but not all. Idk fuck it now, she left and I really think I was not all to blame as she puts it to everyone.
You may want to thank your lucky stars you got away. I only came to realize after 40 something years my mother was and is a narcissist. My two brothers want nothing to do with her. I moved to another country at the age of 20. I doubt you are a narcissist as normally people who are think everyone else is the problem. The fact that you even wonder about shows you likely aren’t.
It sounds like she did you a favor.
Finally understand what I'm dealing with with a 23 year extremely painful marriage. Thank you. I'm a recuer. I'm trying to learn to say no.
Stay strong 💪 ❤
Grey rocking has been a huge help. Even “i” statements don’t help. He doesn’t care how I feel. Many times he will say “you don’t feel xyz (insert my feelings). You feel abc (how he thinks I feel)” no I know how I feel. Or he wants a reason why i did something and when I say why, he says “no you did it because (insert whatever he has imagined)” I vu Ave my exit plan and we be leaving the marriage once our youngest is alittle older. Living under the same roof allows me to protect my child more than if we had split custody or knowing him he will manipulate the court to try and get custody because he knows losing my child would end me, and that’s all he cares about. He has made statements. So preparing and being smart by documenting and recording. In the beginning I thought I was going crazy.
I record the angry raging with my phone. Idk if it will help me in a divorce as i don't have children, but I'm recording it all the same
Excellent descriptions and advice. This is exactly how it was.
It's a shame. Personal story, for those who wish to skip:
I love one covert narcissist very much. When he wasn't picking on me and putting me down, we were a match made in heaven with similar sensibilities and appreciation for them, similar ideas about life, plus I had a natural love for him from the beginning, as a hunch, and as I got to know him, all the way to today. But it wore me down. It wasn't only his occasional need to show how unsatisfactory I am, but also that he, meek, quiet and extraverted, started inviting a female friend of his not only into our life, even dates, and finally a vacation. I didn't wOrry about her, because she's very physically and as a person unattracted, somewhat unpleasant, and is older. She wanted a relationship with him, and as soon as we became close, she had him sign her will to leave him some of her inherited $2 mil (from her dad who at the time recently died. He mentioned to me, but seemed not to believe until she actually did get it . It now looks as if that was why he kept her around, not really believing she'll get it, but keeping up the relationship because of her absolute admiration and talk about money. I'm pretty sure that's a good part of it, because she's quite demanding for attention, asking questions in ways in which it's difficult to tell if she really doesn't understand or is so cognitively impaired. and other people didn't seem to want to be close with her, or even complained about her behaviors.
It all turned into a nightmare, so I left. But love him, I did and still do. If he was just a little lower on the narcissism spectrum, we would have been very happy together. We were very happy. I adored him, and we matched intellectually, physically,, in every other way. Would've, could've doesn't mean it would, though. I'm starting to think that there's no such thing as a little bit of NPD, and that even a seemingly lower level of narcissism can be pernicious.
Dated a girl who’s mother was the biggest covert I’ve ever seen. Always wanted someone to feel bad for her, victim mentality, no self reflection, no criticism. Ironically as a person who used to be the type to try to save ppl that’s one of the things she kind of baited me in with. Little did I know she was just like her, ended up cheating on me and to this day she posts TikTok’s about her “toxic ex”(me) when I literally left her because she cheated on me
And what u said about not using the word “narcissism” towards them is so true. I’m a humble dude but I know I’m good at certain things but I don’t think I’m the best at everything or even most things but I still got called a narcissist and the sad part is I started to believe it. Still healing from her years of lies and manipulation this comment is just sort of an outlet for me
I would love to see a video on OCD and narcissism occurring together…if they in fact do occur together. My relative is for sure 100% a malignant narcissist and he is also seemingly obsessed with his religion that borders on a cult. Maybe he is using his cult to further his narcissistic goals. I dunno. It’s all very confusing and scary to watch from sidelines.
There is a term “Communal Narcissist” that may be what you’re describing.
I have no particular point beyond a general "thank you" - but, this is so great.. It's difficult to suss out these trends in people we are very close with, you make the distinctions very clear- thank you again 😅
Covert or overt, they share common characteristics. As he rightly said, only it takes a little longer to identify a covert narc. A perfect summary on the topic. Thank you for sharing.🙏🏻
So what are the possible signs of a cover Narcissist Sohini :
Withdrawn Nature
Passive Aggressiveness
Extreme sensitivity to criticism
Feelings of inadequacy
Envy
Depression and anxiety
Do we see these traits in us as well😂
Shreenjan here again
@@ShreenjanDutta-eq7nfFirst, this isn't something which is funny. Narcissists, whether malignant, classical or covert share some vital characteristics. They are extremely envious by nature, lack empathy and compassion and they thrive solely on narcissistic supply. It is present in a covert narcissist as well. Therefore, only withdrawn by nature, showing feelings of inadequacy, suffering from anxiety, showing slight passive aggression do not make one a covert narcissist. And one can never understand narcissism fully if one has not been subjected to narcissistic abuse.
@@sohinisen3042
Well that's what I'm asking you.
Do you by any chance share any traits of narcissism
Specially the covert ones!
I have heard that the covert ones tend to be extremely dangerous specially in a stressful situations!
@@ShreenjanDutta-eq7nfFirst I am labelled as a dismissive avoidant and now covert narcissist!! And that too by reading some of my comments. Thank you very much. How polite of you to ask someone who had to undergo narcissistic abuse herself. 😀👏🏻😂 Good luck!
@@sohinisen3042 Nah I didn't mean that!
I have heard that Covert And dismissive avoidants share some Hallmark trait
Like a couple of them
Maybe Passive Aggressiveness!
Is it so!!
I completely agree with these types of traits being elusive with the vulnerable as the only real giveaway I can reference would be the overwhelming butterflies, swooning at the start.
I'm able to recognize in my current relationship where I ignored the signs and started auctioning off my boundaries.
One thing in particular I would like to find more information on, or hear someone speak on, are the claims of disorders/ health conditions the vulnerable types identify with and claim they experience as a means to be more interesting and always have a scapegoat for poor behavior.
My current partner has made the claim to already having been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and schizoaffective, although both stemmed from her treatment for drug addiction. So out of respect, I do not question nor invalidate what somebody could experience with those disorders, but I caught on fairly quickly to the narcissistic traits she has demonstrated simply because the narcissistic traits I've gotten help for started to resurface during the cognitive dissonance stage of the abuse.
I understand generally the common co-occurring and comorbidity of traits overlapping, but to experience this first hand with the simple coping skills I gained specifically from treating my past trauma, It's clear to me I am in no way prepared or equipped to even figure out where to start in wrapping my head this situation so I can mitigate the damage during separation.. .
I am a rescuer I am a caretaker and I ended up married to a full blown narcissist it is the hardest situation I have ever had to try to get out of he doesn't feel anything for anyone other than the mother that severely abused him which makes no sense to me but he feels nothing for me the person who does everything for him and I just want out but I don't know how to stop feeling sad and mad and actually leave
All your feelings makes sense, and leaving will also be hard emotionally. And, you can get your life and sanity back. When you are ready to leave, make sure you have a plan. Talk to people so you are not the only one who knows you are going through this. I wish you the best on your healing journey.
I left my narccasist husband over 30 years ago now and want to highlight that putting a plan in place before you actually do is very important . The anger and sadness your feeling is a great motivator in walking away from your marriage. Reach out to someone you trust and confide in them which will also be helpful in having loving support throughout the process of leaving. Please get some help with self empowerment with spiritual psychotherapy which helps you to identify the codependent aspects that were created by your inner child wounds. This is also known as The Pain Body.
I send you God's Richest Blessings 🙌 you can do this!!! Walk into the direction of your hearts desires which will guide you towards a magical existence if you just trust in the process it will be shown to you ✨ 💯 🙏
Im sure im the 'helper' because I was recently drawn towards a person like this. I know to keep my distance and to not make myself susceptible in conversation by keeping it simple. My question is, as a rescuer, how do I improve and can see potential problems before hand? Thanks for the video! Super helpful.
WOW I worked with one who had these exact same qualities a few years ago.
Your videos are very illuminating. Thanks for sharing your knowledge and wisdom
Jim, my mother is the covert narcissist, she is 87 and has dementia. Luckily I don't live with her , minimize contact to functional contact. It took me a long time to realise she was a narc, many years in fact but thought of her more as a Jekyll and Hyde. My recipe to stay sane is minimal contact and the grey rock. The worst part is I ruminate to much about her.
After 15 years I still hear things like I just want to see you improving.. "you need to think more"... but in our earlier days I was emotionally reactive so I'm the bad guy and always will be
Thank you for this ❤ I really needed this
I accidentally stumbled on a video 1.5 years into dating her. Literally everything just lined up. It all made sense. Textbook narcissist. She used every example they provided in the video on me. I heard all of them from her. She had me confused if I was the manipulative one. She’s my best friend. I love her with all my heart. She got me good. Even now I know what’s happening I still want her
Thank you . Very useful and clear
I'm starting to connect the dots now, but it's taken me 4 years to do it! For so long, I kept thinking I was doing stuff wrong...... !
My mom. I just pander to her because my father taught me how to deal with her before he passed.
Every single word you said is spot on. I can't thank you enough for this very helpful information ❤👍
Very informative👍🏻
I see a lot of people here, noticing that their partner or a loved one was a narcissist I have noticed that I was the narcissist in relationship
I work with a couple of these.
I got in and out of my first relationship (last dec) all these things happened within a matter of 6 months. I am an empath and as the other person kept speaking, I thought I could help somehow. My bad. Now when I think back it was always about him. How he is a victim at office politics, how his life is miserable, how he isn't getting a promotion, how he isn't getting married. He love bombed me. Literally wanted to marry within 20 days of chatting. Further went on to ask when am I going to propose him. Promised a lot of things but only words and no actions. Kept saying he loves me only for him to say I make him feel like a piece of shit, loser, whenever I express, he feels attacked. Me following my Boundaries by saying NO seems like a bold statement to him Etc. Im grieving cause I got attached genuinely thinking we might marry each other seeing his enthusiasm. Thankfully god is with me and opened my eyes at the right time. My heart will heal someday!
This is my ex. I really was taken on a fantasy. For a year he took so much from me and never reciprocated. My birthday card had fiancé on the front but no gift and no ring 😢. I was exhausted all day long. My energy is now back 😊
Jim, Here is a good story that can help. My ex is a covert type and she volunteers to run every single event at the elementary school and in the political group and this and that and planning planning planning. However, what she is seeking is the praise of the group "oh thank you for making this all so wonderful, you're just amazing." If she didn't get that much overt praise, she's stew and spiral about how ungrateful everyone is. The closer these people were to her, the angrier she would stew.
Then one year, I made the mistake of saying "can we just attend trivia next year and eat pizza with our friends instead of working twelve hour days to make this happen?" The look I got from her was like I was suggesting the murder of our children. How dare I NOT work endless hours to make her the center of all the praise?
All roads of praise and loyalty flowed toward her. All blame flowed away from her.
I came here from your scapegoat TT to find out how to set boundaries correctly. Can you do a more in depth video on what that should look like? And how do we handle a boundary we are giving her involving my children when it was also something she did to me without letting her see this as an opportunity to make it personal to work up my emotions?
Jim, honestly I don’t know what it was about what you said in that scapegoat TT, but even knowing how my mother works already and it not being exactly news that I was her scapegoat, it was like some subconscious clock happened and I saw in full totality for the first time so completely clear what she is and who I am to her that some kind of dam broke and it SHOOK ME. Seriously SHOOK ME. I just sobbed. I didn’t know how to proceed with my thoughts! I didn’t know what to do with this “revelation”! It was so overwhelming, hours later my mind still just isn’t in a good place.
It involves working on your own triggers.
So absolutely wonderfully explained!! Thanks a LOT!!
I wonder if empaths that has spent years being victims of narcissist end up being or seeming like a covert narcissist because they have been victimized they do carry fear shame doubt and esteem issues etc so what then when they might get mistaken for a narcissist
Absolutely and a very dangerous person to be around... Insidious behaviour from them... 😈🐍😈🐍😈🐍😈
Great video- love the advise on what to say & do with these folks !
It took me 25 years with my ex husband to know he was a covert narcissist. I just got divorced last week.
Great vidéo Can you confirm me that covert .. love bombing for fist 6 months . Then begin to repeataly go silent treatment ( or distant for days ) .. Bread crumbing...blame shifting ... everything as to go there way if not they are not happy ... i think i am dealing with a women like that 😪 i am confused
I live with a covert narcissist and I really struggle with the boundaries thing. I naturally remove boundaries pretty quickly, for whatever reason, in even casual friendships. This has been a huge problem. I feel bad drawing a line that they can't cross, but I have no other choice. I'll lose my mind if I don't lol.
if I just would have known earlier (rescuer here). 30. Long. Years. 😢
I just realized at 28 years old that my brother is a covert narcissist. I fully trusted him and I thought he is just highly sensitive or maybe has some autistic traits. Not at all, and he can be very dangerous! Now that I can connect the dots, it is crazy to think about it when you thought he’s like my best friend, my everything! It really breaks my heart, is there any way they can go through narcissistic breakdown and heal? Thank you!
wow, you just described my ex to a T. I spent near 2 decades only to join the 'crazy exes club' recently because.... I tried to maintain a nice friendly relationship while we were co-parenting our teenager(who will be 18 in a few months), but recently, just a few days before my birthday all heck broke loose the night before our son was to come stay with me for a week of his school hols. I am disabled and housebound, years of relentless contact destroyed my health. So the sheer stress caused before my birthday ruined it for that day, and then a few days later, on my late mother's birthday, the day my son was to be picked up from mine, the phone call to organise a time brought in a tirade of accusations and gaslighting and my BP went so high I took photos of it on the machine, and at that point, I knew, that I had to go no contact immediately... it had happened before, many times, but in that moment, it was... I can't engage with this person any more.
This was very useful. Thank you.
Well an enmeshed narc live in a enmeshed family? My ex lives in his youngest daughter yard in a camper...I noticed all his brothers and sisters live in their youngest child yards..either they build a small house or buy houses that have more than one house on property...it's very odd !! Please give some advice on this please
My girlfriend says I'm a covert narcissist because I pick up the house completely while none of them help me at all. Nore do they pick up after them selves. Like I'm talking like living like a slob like maggots on dishes clothes from one end to the other end of the house. And I have my kids there and I raised my kids that you pick up after yourself you don't leave food in a living room or inside a couch. And I'll speak out and say people judge others. If you walk pass a house and there is literally garbage all over the place toys laying on the side wall where people walk. All I'm trying to do is tell her and her kids that you pick up after yourself. 11yr old boy can't even get himself dressed in the morning missing the bus because he don't wanna listen to his mom. Or sleeping in her bed every night where I'm forced to sleep on a couch. Like i don't think the world owes me anything. I'm only worried about the future for these kids. Cause when they get a job what's going to happen? And after I clean the house that takes me 2 days of cleaning and scrubbing it. They destroy the hole house again in less then 8hrs like no joke. And my gf is there and she doesn't even tell em to pick it up. She just tells me that they are kids they are going to make a mess. Well no shit right but does that me nail polish on the walls or floors water bottles laying every where on the ground. Like I was a single father for 3yrs no help. And yes kids make a mess but they still have to have the responsibility to pick up after them selves. Like I love em all I wanna be with my new family. But to say I'm covert narcissist because I tell em I feel hurt after I cleaned for how many days and you all just destroy it in a few hours without any sense of picking it up. There is a word for people like them they are slobs. But I was told if you don't work for anything you own you don't care for it. But a person that works for everything they own are going to have more pride in there life and care because of the hard work you do to buy things. Like I say I'm not a covert narcissist. I have pride and I family values and want the best out of my kids. Can't believe she would tell me I'm covert narcissist. I don't think I'm better then anyone I'm human and it's up to me if i wanna better myself or go threw life expecting the government to feed me because I'm to lazy to work and I can't because it's to difficult with kids. Like wth there been people with 6 kids 3 jobs and still find the time to make it to there kids concert. I admire people like that. Like hats off to you and God bless you. But anyone that reads this I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to study and learn on covert narcissist. So if I am by chance I can get help. Peace
Wow!!! Interesting.
Este video te dice que puedes convivir con una persona así,lamentablemente una vez que te das cuenta de las mentiras es imposible volver a una interminable rueda de insatisfacción.tienes que retirarte o te consume al final
My mom is one unfortunately, can’t wait to get out of this house gosh
My sisters fiancé is a covert NARC. 😞 I don’t discuss it with her, but she knows something is wrong, but she doesn’t know what it is. My sister is a “rescuer” ,blindly optimistic woman, who thinks she can help everyone. Including him. So even if she were to accept what he is, she’s going the think she’s can help him, or it’s not that bad. I’m concerned for her.
You need to find a way to support her to help her get out of the relationship. Narcissists can't be cured or loved back to health. If she marries him, she'll be in for a miserable future. Narcissists have no empathy and can't love, they are very damaged.
@@JH-td4mn i have told her all of this i dated a narc before. She said thinks the word is over used and he isn’t that bad. He is. And once he secures the relationship (marriage) he will become worse. Like they all do..
excellent u check all the boxes they r Physico terrorists they disturb ur peace gut feeling intuition God given it just feels wrong took me a long time to figure it out God gave me dreams with many layers I went no contact I cannot help her only my self thru the Grace of God and u r so helpful a pro what a blessing to find ur channel u have a calm soothing voice very healing thank you
Very good talk!!!