These narcissists if you let them in your bubble will throw you down with no warning. I really think there are more clinically insane narcissists than many realize
It is the hardest thing in the world when you know what the truth is but nobody seems to get it, and you know nobody wants to hear because they believe the years of lies. It's horrid to walk away knowing you've done nothing wrong, that you've in fact bent over backwards, but still everyone the narc has contact with believes you are "bad". People say "why would your own mother say that if it isn't true". You just can't fight it. This is why I enjoy world travel- in other places people take you for what you are.
Heather Smith Yeah it really awful it hurts that you did everything you could , they lie and play the victim and people believe them. Your the crazy one the one that did them wrong. It’s very frustrating The only one that knows or believed me is my mother because she seen the things he’s done to me. It bothers you that they don’t see,they will lie to them self until the day they die! They believe there own lies.
Ditto, Heather. My narc mother is highly proficient in telling lies about me that sound more plausible than the truth. She has destroyed my relationship with my adult children and (now) ex-husband and has an on-going smear campaign in the community. Took me a long time to realize that the parent who should love me, is obsessed in devising ways to hurt me, in a pre-mediated fashion. To save myself, I went no contact 26 months ago. She still wields her sword publicly. The truth always wins, though!
I hear you, yes I love to travel and meet lovely people of different cultures, rather than narrow minded cruel gossiping idiots. I have a difficult mother too the cause if a lot of hell in my life and now this year I am finally breaking away no traumatising Christmas for me this year but a wonderful Happy Christmas as it aught to be. 💖 I love you for who you are just the perfect way God made you.
Dr Carter, when you say you’re glad that we allow you to be a part of our journey, just know that it’s an honor for me/us to have you as part of my/our journey. I got emotional half way through this video, and I believe you did too. You’re incredible, sir. My heart thanks you!
I felt halfway thru this video as if Dr. Carter was talking to me! "I hurt, I ache, I cry"...I DO have so much raw pain and have endured this for the past 33 years of marriage! I ALWAYS thought I could fix things and I would do better next time! Surely, I am the problem because this is what your husband, the one that LOVES you, has been telling you for the past 33+ years! You are incompetent, you don't know what you are doing, you let people take advantage of you, even your family, if you would just listen to me and do what I say things would be great! Dealing with this is extremely draining and you just don't know what to say or do anymore! I am so tired and always feel like I am walking on egg shells! I always thought things would get better and next time I will do this or that to please him, but nothing seems to help! I can't even talk to him because it is ALWAYS my fault! He will ask me what is wrong with me, you have been acting weird and I think to myself, were do I start? It is pure HELL that someone you think LOVES you would call you names, curse you out, tell you they hate you, degrade you and your family and the list goes on and on! Why stay with someone like this? I feel I have invested so much of my life with this person, I don't want to feel like a failure to end the marriage or abandon him. I also feel responsible for him...he has no friends, mother and father are deceased and his only sister, and her family, has nothing to do with him! He takes no responsibility for this, it is always there fault! I have a big loving family and my mother is still living and have loving relationships with them and many friends. He has told me that he has no one and you have many family members and friends, so basically I should feel sorry for him! I do feel somewhat responsible for him and that is one of the reasons to not end the marriage, plus if I did leave him, he would not leave me alone and would I know would end in tragedy! Thank you Dr. Carter from the bottom of my heart and giving me some peace of mind! I love watching your videos, especially this one, which brought me to an abundance amount of tears and prompted me to comment! It makes me so sad that you understand me more then my husband does! I have even played your videos on TV with my husband watching and he had no clue! He has even told me that he is not a narcissist, even though I asked him what is a narcissist and he replied, "I don't know, but that is not me!" I rest my case!!!!! Thank you and continue your important work because you are making a difrerence! It makes me so sad and brings tears to my eyes that you understand me more then my husband and I have never met you!
Yes I'm glad I found u on here also..wished I was still close to Dallas..20 years of drs...none helped me as a person .they jst give me meds.tht made me sick..
I never realized the devastating consequences & level of emotional pain that could exist by having a Narcissist in your life. It is truly traumatizing‼️
A Mishel no not just inability to love and feel compassion they don’t care about that. They have the inability to feel JOY or NORMAL. They can never be alone and they have no idea what it’s like to feel CONTENT. That is what haunts them✌🏻😎
Rk Ding yes that does happen. But also always on the phone esp when driving. They literally hate to be alone with themselves. They feel no peace. They get anxious or depressed when their mind isn’t distracted CONSTANTLY
Here Kitty Kitty, yes! One of mine talked incessantly for 12-14 hours straight! Then I’d end the conversation & he’d find someone else (other supply) to talk to! Insanity...
"All I have left from them is pain". Cuts like a knife. But "I still have my character and my priorities intact, so I win". I still have real, important things to which I can anchor myself. THIS is getting me through this day. Thank you.
I hate when I read no contact as the ultimate answer. No it's not. Esp not for those of us who have children with the narc. I've only been separated 8 months, so it has been a huge learning curve to not react, to contact as little as possible, parallel parenting. He hates my boundary of email or text only, he tests me every chance he can and I haven't done well with grey rocking yet. We haven't even filed divorce yet, so you know things will heat up much worse then. It's taking time to heal, to grow, to break the trauma bond, and reading no contact makes me feel like I'm doing it all wrong.
Yes some of us cannot fully escape narcs and its feels uncomfortable when others say "why dont you leave" as if were idiots for staying. We take our responsibilities seriously and we cant let others who are depending on us down. Just as Dr Carter says we cant let the narc consume our minds and hearts, we must look out for our own happiness and stay true to ourselves.
@@mariegibbons7531 Yep. I have heard the "why don't you just leave?!" numerous times. Sometimes it is simply not an option for numerous reasons. All of us have more or less the same story in regards to what the narcissist says/does, and how they treat us, however, not all of us are in the same "life" situation in which we can just walk out the door and say to the narc, "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!"
Texts me constantly, and if I don't respond, he says oh, your busy with your others???? Seriously, just doing normal things, like laundry, listening to music or staring at the wall. It is so frustrating to be perfectly innocent, and always having to explain what the heck you are doing. Thanks for letting me vent. Your comment was how I feel.
Dear Mary Catherine, I shut down too when I was with my EXTREME COVERT MALIGNANT ABUSIVE husband, and ONLY because I needed to protect my self too. Somehow, it help me during all those times of severe duress.
As I listened, I was thinking: "This advice would be equally valuable and appropriate if it were given to people who are trapped in a concentration camp with brutal guards." ("Hold on to goodness, no matter what.") Then it occurred to me that for many people, there's not a huge difference. Their lives feel like concentration camps. Your sympathetic heart comes shining through in this video, Dr. C. Thank you.
Dear kes S: I understand your analogy to concentration camps and know what you are trying to convey. But this analogy is inappropriate. And offensive. People died and were murdered there. Witnessed their family murdered in front of them, experienced starvation, torture, etc. It does not compare to the emotional abuse we are discussing here. Please read on the subject if you disagree with me.
Joanna Fennell I say this with kindness, please don’t degrade another persons point of view, for some people, the narcissistic person in their life can drive them to suicide or can actually kill them! To take another persons life is a narcissistic act. For some people living a reality surrounded by narcissist people their situation WILL BE as bad as a mental concentration camp, some do not get out of the narcissistic relationship alive! Please, please be kind to others experiences of this very difficult subject. Kind regards.
@@joannaRB The problem is, psychic abuse can be worse than death. Also, what would you call killing someone in front of someone else's eyes if not torture? By my reckon that surely qualifies. And as far as a narcissist goes, he'd rather keep you locked away than allowing you even the tiniest bit of freedom. Btw, German here, and I do NOT find the analogy offensive at all, because it hits the nail straight on the head.
Describing the narcissist as the "gift that keeps on giving" made me laugh! Even with a difficult subject, I do appreciate your humor. Give Gus a hug for me!
Thank you for your videos Dr C, they are very helpful. You always present information in a loving, kind, and non-judgmental way... a great example for all of us 🙏🏼
Justin Boger It’s extremely hard, but God expects us to because he forgave us. That doesn’t mean tolerating abuse though. He tells us in Ephesians 4 that we give place to the devil if we let the sun go down on our anger. I learned that is a literal statement. Forgiveness is really for our own well being. God will deal with those who harm us.
I did forgive my parents silently to what they did to ME personally yet there's their misbehaviour, slandering and disrespect to my family (esp. from my mothers side) which is still bound before God. I want them to get their just reward in this world already. No problem for a Christian according to scriptures as they are NOT my fellows in Christ. *Matthew **18:18*
The forgiveness is for your benefit. It releases the resentment . It doesn't mean you are accepting their behaviour by forgiving them. It means you are letting go of the negative feelings to allow yourself to heal and not continue to suffer in the future. Acknowledge the pain, process the feelings and then move on from it. Take back the power by rising above it and not waiting for them to apologise to you.
@@silb8139 but If you're not able to eventually let go all your burden to Jesus Christ you will never have FULL release... Its just temporary then and resentment will come back.
Dr Carter your empathy with us sufferers is like a balm to my soul, these people live to hurt others, and the only way I have survived is doing exactly what you have suggested - focus on what it is that narcissists hate about us gentle people - our love of nature, art, good literature, your advice is spot on, after years of avoiding the pain inside that these family members caused when I finally faced it I realised outside forces cannot and will never touch my peace of mind again, but at the same time finding a video like this is pure gold during the hard moments when they cannot be avoided and a voice of empathy and understanding like yours is like a light in the darkness , wishing you and your loved ones a very Happy Christmas , from Ireland with deepest gratitude.
Yes....so glad to find your videos.... why has nobody noticed the sort of man my husband is.....you keep asking yourself “is it me”... but you already know the answer. I have one person who I can talk to about this.... my kids don’t want to hear a word against their dad.... and I understand that... so I’ve stopped trying.
Thank you, Dr Carter. Please know your videos became a lifeline for me after I was "asked" to leave my house after 37 years of marriage to the same woman and 9 kids, 3 still in the house. The "conditions" of my return were simple...I would have to "rebuild trust," and I could not expect to ever have the respect of my wife and children again. I left in February, not knowing what I would do, and, quite early on became familiar with narcissism as a real disorder. I read and watched videos, and yours came into my field of vision. Your understanding and ability to "break it down" were so very helpful, and your empathy replaced that which I realized had been lacking throughout my marriage. The present video is most helpful of all, since I find myself in the process of divorce (I filed) and the three kids alienated completely. On the positive side, 5 of the 6 kids that are now adults have come alongside of me and let me know they saw the problems at home throughout their childhood and teen years, and that they are very much "on my side." Heartbreaking truths I have dealt with this year, but I believe it is all for a reason. I know God doesn't "waste" the pain we go through. Thanks again, sir, and Merry Christmas.
I had a narcissistic boss who, after 1yr of me being a rock star at work, was hired as the new boss. She systematically turned everyone against me and tore me down until I quit. This was an internship job gaining hours for licensure as a therapist. She was in psych 101 in the same graduate program I was finishing!! Today I am a marriage & family therapist with a thriving private practice!!
I had a narcissist boss durung the day and came home to an unsupportive narcissist at night. At the time I had no support. I was ridiculed pulicly & privately. Worst time of my life! I understand!
Has anyone else experienced this: During a large family gathering at Thanksgiving, I started implementing the "I refuse" technique (inside my head) and the "respond, do not react" technique in my interactions with my 85 year mother. True to form, the first morning of the get together, she tried 3 times to provoke an argument. First, she maligned my adult daughter, who wasn't present. "Kim" is the only grandchild who seeks Mom out, and spends time with her on a regular basis when she visits home. I was telling Mom how hectic Kim's travel plans to the get-together were, and she said, "Well, I don't think that's funny. That's the kind of person I'm always having to clean up after. I dropped the subject. Mom picked up the coffee pot, then asked me if I wanted any coffee. Before I could answer, she said, "Oh, I forgot, you have to have specialty coffee" My husband and I had walked to the local coffee shop snd got coffees early that a.m. to avoid waking everyone up by making coffee in the kitchen. I didn't react, but instead told about meeting the owner of the shop who had a unique accent. We asked him about it because it was lovely. After giving a vague initial answer, he said, in a fake, comical conspiratorial whisper that he was from Ukraine. Mom said, "Well, that's just rude. If someone doesn't want to tell you where they're from, you shouldn't force them to tell you." I waited until the conversation was picked up by other extended family members who were there and went to take a shower. Later that evening , she approached me while I was alone (her insults were made in front of a number of extended family members) and said in a confrontational tone, "I'm sorry I made you mad." I told her she hadn't and explained she had one opinion of me and my family, that I disagreed with it, but she had every right to her opinion. I helped her get into bed, got her hot tea and we chatted about random things until.she fell asleep. I found out later that she pulled several family members aside over the course of the holiday and told them I was angry and not speaking to her. The fact is that she actively avoided me for the rest of the vacation. What is this? I can tell my existence makes her uncomfortable. I call and go check on her periodically, and it's always very awkward for the first 10 minutes or so. I feel like I've interrupted her planning a bank robbery or something. . . ?!!
Your mom sounds just like my dad. I figured out that it’s something narcissists do when they can’t get you to take the bait; they will constantly smear your name to others and eventually deflate and withdraw from interacting. That must be why she was acting so awkward when you checked on her, you not engaging with their dysfunctional behavior is like calling them out; they hate it when people see them for who they really are. I’ll be honest, it has been hard lately to get my dad’s words out of my head. After not talking to me for weeks, because of my constant gray rock attitude, he shows up and says “I just want to say hi, and I love you.” It was so disorienting; knowing his character, he’ll show up and give anyone a verbal lashing.
My life has been destroyed by my narc. At age 58 I’ll be starting over with nothing, no job, no home, no money.. no family and no friends.. I’ve been devastated.
So sorry Debra - I understand completely - it's absolutely soul destroying stuff. Hang in there tho - baby steps - you can get through this. Sending you a big hug.
This has been the worst pain of life. Traumatic confusion and agony. I do not know what to do with my life and this hurt. I have no family or support system so I have nowhere to turn but to videos like this.
Tammie Cranny.... There was a time when I thought he broke me...I spent a week in the hospital and he hardly ever came to see me..His excuse was the dogs needed him at home...The reason I went to hospital was because I was suffering with stress induced anxiety and I had a TGA...transglobal amnesia..I lost 8 hours of memory for the day this happened..when I ‘ woke’ up he was standing over the Emergency bed with an annoying face on, which told me he didn’t want to be called off work for this....He disappeared soon afterwards and said the dogs needed him...I don’t recall him coming back to the hospital to spend time with me... Another incident was over a broken promise he made to me in front of a therapist...I called him out on it and he denied he did it and then when that didn’t work, he blamed my sister for pouring the extra wine in his glass...He gaslit me so badly that I didn’t know if I was coming or going, punched or bored...I blew up and smashed as much as I could get my hands on and he photographed it and sent it to my sister after he knew I had told her of the blame he made on her...This is how I know he is a covert narcissist...He talks so slow and sweet and quiet and sits in the corner and everybody thinks he’s ok....He is sick and I’m really sick of him
When he was alive I felt it must be like in a prison. Things would have been fine if I never had a brain or spoke. Dr. Carter, can all of us clone you? You are one in a million. Woolfy hugs to Gus!
There it is: the pain is terrible, and living your own truth is hard. You ache, you hurt, you cry. Thank you, Dr. Carter. The narcissists have been legion! Dignity. Respect. Civility.
Corinna Schütt nice to meet another with the holiday issue. Ditto!!! Horrible and dreadful. Now I really prefer the holidays alone with my kitties. It is a love fest. Direct relations now deceased, but the rest? Horrible to spend time with them. No no no. No contact and holidays are great again. Once in awhile I join a friend’s day. Good families. But no more with those narcissists. No more. Every holiday now I feel peace and freedom. Also self respect!
Dr C, another stellar video! When leaving a narcissist, I believe everyone needs to be prepared for the worst case scenario and your counsel is the best tool in our toolbox. Thank you. I had been planning this for a long long time. What I wasn’t prepared for was the shaming of people I know. Shaming of how could I have been so stupid to marry him, or stay once the narcissist abuse started, or shamed for leaving. Shamed by my church community for divorcing. Shamed and ridiculed for helping him through a terminal illness after the divorce. My ex husband was a master of alienating people from me during the marriage and keeping me isolated. Only one person from my work stepped up to say you will get through this. Ive always had a good sense of self, and determination to get through anything in life. Without that and my faith in God, I wouldn’t have made it. Now I have your videos to really help me heal. Dr C and Laura (and Gus!) you are stepping up for all of us here, giving encouragement, strength, knowledge, to get through very tough times. Some of us would be walking this path completely alone without your help. Thank you from the bottom of my very grateful and healing heart!
By being in a relationship with a narc, you are already being emotionally abused, but if there is ANY chance of physical violence, there is nothing material worth your life. Get out and “things” can be replaced, you can’t. Dr Carter, your warmth, consistency, good advice and support has gotten me through the hardest and scariest time in my life,thank you for taking the time to post these videos. Wishing you, Gus and your family a blessed holiday season. Thank you
Just wanted to say Thank you not only for me but for the immeasurable impact you have on so many lives, bringing this issue into the realms of understanding for so many people whose lives have been blighted by a narcissist. Even if people are trapped in circumstances by a narcissist, the just knowing...... aha...this is how it rolls.....helps people to realise they are not going mad. You make everyone's today a better place. Blessings to you.
i am too old and too sick to start a new life but i did change myself and become a better person your videos are a life saver did not know anything for 50 years ..and i am a clinical pharmacist thank you very much your are a real person with tears in your eyes i really love the way you speak thanks again
Dear Abe, nobody is too old or sick to start over anew for eternal life abundantly with Jesus! Matthew 11:28 Take your burden to Him as long as you're still breathing... Blessings your way!
@@SurvivingNarcissism From me, too. Thank you for being vulnerable and therefore graspable. There is so much strength in that. It helps me a lot to see that my feelings are valid, too.
I am humbled at how much of a real human being you are Doctor, it is overwhelming that you are able to save lives with such humility. You are our brother from another.
When are they not impossible? Oh, that's right, it the beginning of meeting such a person. Then you actually have the feeling you are not dealing with a (covert) narcissist but a normal healthy individual.
The worse for me is I never new he was living with his ex at the time. He hid it Soo well moved on with me had three kids. Now seven years later so many heart breaks later , I found out the truth from his ex. Oh. And now he's moving on to next target
@@memes.1114 So sad that these people act without a conscience. Sick, cold hearted, emotionless losers I think they are. Using others by telling lies as if it is the truth.
In the beginning it was wonderful...Love bombed, doted on and then.....when the marriage papers are signed....boom...I never saw it coming and when it did, I was gob smacked..I thought something hit me in the head and I went insane all of a sudden...it was that swift !! I took pity on him, then felt very sorry he quit his job to followed me to Florida, then felt very sad for him...Him, who has been diagnosed with depression ( fake) couldn’t or didn’t want to make friends..Found I was walking on eggshells but couldn’t withhold my disappointments in his efforts to make life bearable around the house for me...I was working lots of hours while he played golf...He started drinking which gave me more guilt for his moving to Florida...He said he did all that for me....ya right! I swear he looked for things he knew would upset me...He needed his supply...I didn’t know that back then but since turning into lots of these videos and listening...I realized what I couldn’t put into words was exactly what these videos were telling me was happening in my life...The gazillions of videos were telling me what was happening before my own eyes..I was shocked....Thank God Somebody knows what I’ve been going through...I cried and cried and cried some more to know I’m not alone...Thank God....Thank God...but I still need to tell somebody so when I can’t speak for myself, someone else will know what hell has been like...Who on earth do I trust? My sister doesn’t want me to involve her in the drama, my brother is a narcissist and my parents are gone...
Man! This one really struck home. I'm trapped. If they have control over the quality of your life and you have no options, your screwed and they are winning . where do you go? To these videos I guess...thanks for being there doc!!
coolhand chris, what has worked for me is to try not to engage emotionally with them. Keep your own counsel, and keep them at arm's length. Don't share too much of yourself. In my case there has been the beginning of a "shift" in the other person. They seem a little confused by the change in me, and at the moment are just observing, not sure what to do next to push my buttons! I'm enjoying it a little. But, with some narcs, that might just enrage them. I guess you have to try to know which type you're dealing with.
@@notagain779 I hear ya,I've been doing exactly what your doing and because I'm not responding the way they want, they have started to demonize me or question my sanity. Funny how mean-spirited and mental they are and yet they project that on you/me.
@@notagain779 I have done the same for the most part. Narcissist is constantly coming up with new BS in an attempt to trigger me. Sometimes it works...sometimes it doesn't. I have a difficult time not calling BS on the lies, though....which are multiple any time I have to be around him. My biggest problem is HATING having my intelligence insulted. I guess since I fell for his BS in the beginning, he thinks he can still con me. I hate to be thought of as "one of his sheep". *Sigh* ... I have so much work to do on myself ...
You are describing my experiences. no one can explain it to me as clearly as you do. I wish had known this channel years earlier. I will use DRC as my mantra starting today. again, thank you so much. you have no idea how you have helped me.
I've learned through hard experience that there are very few people you can talk with, and you usually have to avoid any mutual friends because they may already be flying monkeys.
This is an absolutely beautiful video. Both my parents were narcissists and I have been no contact for a while. For about 10 years, I have had the intention to be the opposite of my parents. I have CRPS from the long term emotional damage. If I start veering off the track of respect and kindness - I get flare-ups. I have a strong internal barometer - If I am not aspiring toward respect, dignity, and kindness - I end up in a wheelchair. Given that, I must aspire to be the antidote to evil. To 'see' other people, treat them with respect and kindness. I stumble - I'm not perfect...but, being open, owning my mistakes, listening to others with curiosity and respect has brought me such joy. Dr. Carter is so right - and he has so much compassion. Thank you, Dr. Carter. This was so touching.
Thank you, Dr. Carter. I saw and heard your heart in this one. I feel it because I have experienced this first hand, and I see that you see it. I have hurt, and still do. I have been in a place of tremendous grief and pain, to the point that it manifested physically. I saw that, and heard that, from you in this video. Thank you, for being brave and kind enough, to share this. I often find validation from the descriptions you give of what it is like being with that narcissist, and it gives me hope for healing from the pain I have gone thru. It helps me to encourage and lift up my children, who have suffered too. May God bless you for all you do. ❤
Being our own best friend, and letting pain run through and not hold onto it is a good thing. I am nearly 70 and no longer have Narcissists in my life and am learning to attract REAL friends. It's lovely!
My mother is a narcissist. My father is codependent. I moved out of state 10 years ago and they pretty much dismiss and discard. They however want me to do the reaching out all the time. I quit. If they want to roll their eyes at my life decisions, they can do the driving
It seems ,at least in my experience with this person, he goes out of his way to make my holidays so much more stressful- but that must be my imagination because he says he doesn't do anything "intentionally" to hurt me...I am emotionally exhausted, praying this will be my LAST xmas with this person affecting me....
@@WakeyWakey1111 : I have been following these videos .They DO help. God bless you, Dr.C! Let 2020 be a year of healing and good emotional health for all of us. Blessings!
I have heard that "I didn't mean to hurt you" (or "piss you off") ... or will ACT completely oblivious to their actions, behavior, lies, etc and say, "I didn't do anything wrong!"
@@Suzu52 If you're in a relationship like befriended or parent you might want to start to skip Christmas with them? I remember I did that in my early twenties with my parents by going skiing during those days and it felt absolutely great.
"I am going to be the embodiment of goodness!" Today, I can do good things with my today. Dr. Carter, I feel that this video was made just for me. What a poignant video! I will anchor down in the things that matter to me. I love art, creating, painting, public service to disabled children. These are my good moments, the "golden moments for me."
Thank you for making these videos. I've been 40 years married to a man whom you describe perfectly. I did not know this is what was wrong. It's been miserable, but I always believed that I should just focus on improving myself. I had no tools for dealing with him. I could not make sense of how someone so gentle in heart could be so mean in spirit. 10 years ago I decided to get my teaching degree and begin purging bitterness from myself. My independence has resulted in him ramping up his game. Your videos , which I stumbled across, have been life-changing for me. In the few weeks I've been watching them, I have completely changed how I interact with him and the results are amazing. I recognize him excalating in order to gain a reaction from me. It's more like watching a movie than being in the scene. My internal dialogue has completely changed. I am an intervention teacher, which is definitely my calling, so I gain great satisfaction in my work. I will say that I'm exhausted from living with this for 40 years. I'm trying to start caring about things again, but that is a slow process. I'm just very very tired. I look forward to continuing this learning journey through these wonderful insights that you share.
Gosh, your story is so close to mine ,except my marriage is going on 55 years. I only started WAKING UP to this nightmare about 4 years ago while reading a book on personality disorders and was in shear shock to realize I was reading about MY HUSBAND. !! It's been all down hill worse than ever . ( he's on to me now... cause I'm not his "DOORMAT" ANYMORE!
Gramma Gram ..... same here. I’ve been married to the same man as you ( it seems) for 47 years. He’s kept me so brow-beaten that even after 45 years of continually working and giving him all my earnings, I have no money to leave him. Also I know that he’d just be calling on my daughter to ‘do’ for him. She has enough on her plate without that. So I’m stuck with this crap until me or him die. But watching these Les Carter vids has given me some tools at last to deal with his nonesense. Long may it continue..... but I so wish I could just have a few years of peace at the end of this very trying marriage. , but seems my wishes count for nothing.
Once again, Dr. Carter is spot on! Let me say that if you are hurting, in pain, aching like the video says, please know that I hold your pain in my heart. A metta meditation practice has helped me through the years with this horrible feeling. Having said that, I am delighted that Dr. Carter pointed this issue of the pain and the suffering in this video. Over a year ago, I discovered this channel. Watching these videos led to watching others and reading other books by Dr. Carter and others. I know I used to think that if I extended compassion and behaved in a conciliatory way, not to mention trying to make rational arguments, went nowhere with the narcissist. I think I was very naive. Let me say this again: I was very naive. I had to question my own assumptions. I thought reason, justice and fairness and putting my children first would be something the narcissist would understand. Multiple times the lawyers would ask her "can he have the kids longer?" The answer was always "No". She always said through attorneys she wanted me to talk to her...I caught on after watching these videos that this is her supply. She wanted me to talk to her so she could say "NO". No other reason other than the sheer joy for her of exercising her will to deprive me of my children. I had to understand, and it took me a while, that this is not rational. I was noticing what this was doing to me: I was sad, bitter, ruminating. I had the presumption that, somehow, the "universe" or some other force or karma would teach the narcissist a lesson. I now know and I want to share it is not possible. It is "magical thinking" to think that somehow something will teach these people something that will make them click and "acknowledge the error of their ways" (ha ha, I laugh as I type this at my own infantile thinking!). I agree that, for me, I made it a point to be true to me. My wife asked me "Ok, this has happened in your life, what are you going to do next? What kind of life do you want to live?" Slowly I started answering that question. I trained for several triathlons, I gave some public talks to organizations that deal with conflict resolution, I continued meditating and I continue to love my children and my family every day. I noticed how, slowly, I was more understanding of other people's struggles and put judgment aside. Every swim stroke, every pedal on the bike and every step while running I take I move away from the toxicity of what I experienced. I am grateful, every day grateful for what I have learned. I am also sad that this is "an ugly truth". I cannot do anything about someone else. I can also hold their pain in my heart, but I also exercise boundaries. Remember, put away the presumption that somehow, sometime or someway, this is going to go away. It is not. All of you on this channel who hurt, I understand your pain.
The quicker you can get to the point where the narcissist means nothing to you the quicker you will start to heal. Do whatever you have to do to get there but continue being the empathetic person you are. It’s tough but I’m actually glad I went through it. An education like no other! My spouse now is a perfect match for me and my relationship with my children is as good as it has ever been. Have faith in the goodness inside you, take a break when you need it but press forward.
Dr C - I wish you could know how much your gentle kindness means - when there is so much pain you are there with compassion - you give me hope and strength to not give up - thank you
I've been taught to suppress my feelings. Now I'll tell a narcissist how their action makes me feel, generally noticing they'll attempt to respect the boundary, before long. Something new'll happen later but if you've the patience, it doesn't have to be a broken record topic. They'll always wear you out by testing new creative passive aggression and that's where putting space between them begins to help, me. As long as you know what you're up against, i think you'll be fine. Find positive people
@SealedTilRedemption Double bonding: No matter how you are doing it, it's not right for the narcissist. Better choose your own path - and since you cannot make it right for him in the first place, why not give him something that genuinely angers him?
@SealedTilRedemption I can relieve you, I'm not in this type of situation. However, should someone present me any such Devil's Alternative, I'd surely look for the one that annoys him the lost, and when he gets triggered give him an earful. That should send his brain into critical error mode.
So many "empty" comments or advice from others like "well if its so bad why do you stay". They have no idea how much that affects us and actually hurts a person living in hell with a narcissist. Like you said, unless they have lived it they just don't understand. After 25 yrs of aching and hurting and crying I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It will be difficult to reach but I see it in the distance. Thank you for your videos. They give me hope.
I was with my ex NPD boyfriend for about 1.5 years until I finally discarded him. Took him about a year to fully reveal who he is, and I took about half a year to decide whether or not he was right for me and to move out. I understand that sometimes the narc is your boss, your mom/dad, etc; I also understand that the narc is like "our cigarettes", but I do also believe that you can't fully blame the narc for your unhappiness. You are the main person responsible for your happiness, and except for some cases, you do have the power to leave and be happy. So yes, sometimes I wonder how some people took so long to get out of that hell hole. 6 months of emotional/verbal abuse, uncertainty, crazy thinking, cheating and lies were enough to put my dignity above everything else and gtfo. I hope you can do the same.
@@silviasquillaci2196 Happy you were able to leave that relationship. Unfortunately, everyones situation is different and each have different variables within that relationship.
DeeVination my own divorce attorney said that why you don’t marry these people, I told him that was very victim shaming and that of course I wouldn’t have married him if he wasn’t lying about who he was
I agree with this, when we have to live with a narcissist we can have boundaries and follow our own path in spite of the pressure of the narcissist. They will attempt to make us feel guilty about taking a break from things we don't want to do or can't do, but we can ignore their tantrums and carry on anyway.
Narcissistic Abuse Rehab, absolutely. I ended up in ER with life threatening high blood pressure... systolic around 200 or more. I believe I have also developed diabetes and have been told I have PTSD. The nocturnal panic attacks, racing heart and fear I live with each day have really taken a toll. Narcissists destroy lives.
@@fifilafleur5555 I'm so sorry to hear that, Fifi. There are very real physical and mental health consequences that can arise as a consequence of narcissism exposure. They certainly do destroy lives.
Narcissistic Abuse Rehab that is what has finally made me decide its time to plan my escape Panic attacks , hair falling out , skin breakouts , sudden bursts of tears , feelings of bitterness and anger because 35 years of marriage and now i am 60 and my life has been wasted living in misery Like a bird in a cage and the door has been open but afraid to fly out into the world I dated him for ten years before we married at 24 ( 14 years old we were childhood sweethearts) but after the i dos He changed on a dime and being so young didnt figure it out until I worked with a narc doctor for ten years and I started looking up personality disorders and eventually discovered my husband was overt covert narc and it all made sense ! Then the hurt then the bitterness and resentment for ruining all the best years of my life and making me doubt myself and yes thinking something was wrong with me ! He says he loves me but acts like he despises me Gaslights me I thought I was losing my mind Thank God for Dr Carter and all of you
thank you....I felt your understanding, compassion and empathy strongly on this one. Thanks for providing this help to those of us with nowhere to turn.
Just remember dealing with a NARCISSIST KEEP YOUR BOUNDARIES... Go as little as possible contact, but always hold truth on who you are and be nice as you can..they hate it when your nice... Merry Christmas to everyone..🎄🎄🎄
Being part of a narcissists life over time makes you feel unsafe showing vulnerability because they use it against you & seem to enjoy your suffering.. but feeling your pain, crying, being vulnerable, it feels so good to come out the other side.. because trust me, you will make it through it! 😊💜
I have been in exactly that place for a while now...emotional grief like I’ve never known, anger that is like burning rage and fear that has turned my blood cold with the realisation of the damage not just to me but my children who are now adults and living with very difficult ppl. How could I have let this happen?...well I’m now seeking counselling but the main thing that’s helping now ( aside from your videos) is my Faith in Jesus that I’ve had since I was a little girl. I have a whole new routine that starts early in the morning and gets me through every day, sometimes a minute at a time, I still have bad days but I know exactly who to turn it over to. I know it’s not for everyone...but I cannot begin to tell you how much healing I’m feeling and the amazing power of Gods grace and love like I’ve never ever felt love. The power of Jesus has flipped all the pain and anger completely around . And I thank God for you sir 🙏
Oh Dr C, just the words I needed today. Crying, yet seeing the good, & anchoring down in good. I know I’ll be fine, just sad.... this too shall pass. Thank you for your words
Heads-up UK, I just found out that the UK has legislation against the actions of these type of people, punishable with up to 5 years in prision! (Serious Crime Act 2015, section 76 controlling & coercive behaviour) That fear I've had for decades, that I'm crazy for leaving him, just vanished seeing a law acknowledging that what we go through is wrong. Peace to you too DR.Carter ❤
Hi I am in the UK too. Not sure about a law..Narcs are so good at projection and have no qualms lying. I have seen the law fully support a N mother who l;ies and destroy a loving dad this year. So few people see or understand that I fear a law will do more harm than good. The outside world could not have saved me as a child no one saw it.. It was my normal experience and took me half a century to understand!
Wow! I have been wondering why there aren't any laws against the horrific abuse we have suffered - he did every possible form of abuse and I am working on healing from a 41 year marriage that I walked away from because I had enough.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I'm an RN, who retired a short time ago, I am what would be classified as a “seasoned nurse” before the landscape of things changed. I believe it important to possess a passion for the careers we choose & it will offer those we serve the best of us. I wanted to acknowledge that along with your substantial experience, knowledge, & insight, the element of revealing a “touch of emotion” offers caring & understanding.
Since my knowledge has expanded and I'm not taking it personally anymore, I'm shedding the victim mentality, and as a result I'm way less 'harmed'. They do what it is that they're doing, and it does not affect my inner peace as it used to. Thank you Dr. Carter.
Thank you Dr. C for your encouragement. My husband whom has separated from me a bit ago , had wrote lists out for me to do to be a “ person of good character.” Example: one of the items was to be a good Christian. And when I started putting my relationship with Jesus number 1, he then told me “ that being a good Christian wasn’t enough for me.” My list goes on and on and on. And he would always set the bar higher for me. He would hold his hand way up in the air and say that’s where he is at and then show me with his other hand that I was very low and I had to rise up to him. He would tell me “ it’s going to be a very lonely journey for you”, My heart is broke
No matter what actually happened, how it ended, etc, won't the narcissist spin it as a "win" for them anyway? Makes me remember the "Don't wrestle with a pig" saying.
elgie swift Yeah they will always win even if they have to lie to do it !! How that’s a win I don’t know the most ridiculous lie where you start laughing 😂 at them saying that’s ridiculous.
Regular folks aren't stupid, they know when people are being fake even if they won't admit it. Energy doesn't lie. Little by little the narc will lose followers, supply, listening ears and support.
Daniel yes they will seen it first hand but shame happen to late already sold my home and moved but it was for my peace of mind and that’s more important hv grandchildren and things to do unlike them - they have no one cuz your not the first & won’t be the last ❣️❣️💥 They did it again in around about way sad thing is women was sick 💥🙏
I can’t believe that I’ve lived my whole life (66) and not know what a narcissist was. Sadly, I’ve been exposed to them my entire life, parents, employer, husband, friend etc. As an Empath, and a people pleaser I just didn’t recognize this. Yes, I hurt, ache and cry but I now understand why I’ve lived most of my life thinking I was crazy! You made me understand that I’m not. And, now that I’m on my own, I am discovering a whole new life of respect, dignity and balance. Thank you for educating me and thank God for helping me to find your site.
It's so helpful that you get it! The most recent narc in my life was the mother of a lovely woman i was personal assistant to, who had motor neuron disease (ALS in the USA). I could not just walk away, without abandoning my job and a woman I'd become very fond of. This narc was AWFUL in lists of ways, including violent rage. She made my life a misery, in every way she could think of. Thank god, I never have to accommodate her again, now my friend has passed away. And luckily, i had people i could rant to.
It’s a very lonely, isolated place being married to NPD. It’s cold and clinical and calculated. I’ve had to flatline and grey rock for so long in order to just function during the fluctuations of hoovering and discarding, that I’m essentially numb. It takes days or weeks of being alone without any interaction with my spouse to feel myself again. It’s depressing to no end, knowing what causes it, being aware of what could be and completely disengaging in any true attachment or feeling in order to survive. It’s a prison sentence for life. I’m afraid for me the flowers will never smell the way they once did. Thanks Dr. Les
The most empowering thing I've learned the hard way recently is I don't need to convince anyone what the truth is. I KNOW who I am, I KNOW what I did and did not do, and I KNOW what's real. I also know that if someone wants to cut ties with me because they've chosen to believe the narc, without ever asking me for my side of things, well this person isn't a real friend. I have discovered that many more people will give the benefit of the doubt and won't decide I'm the bad guy because of hateful gossip, and in fact this narc has lost friends by spreading rumors about me. And, these friends don't need to hear my side of the story - they just know my character and trust that. By not needing to convince people who I am, what I did, etc.. I have found so much strength in myself. Letting go of politics (so please don't respond with political stuff), the quote by Michelle Obama is really useful: When they go low, we go high. For me, in my situation, I go high by not joining in or responding to the damage this narc is trying to cause. I go high by being the person who doesn't have to convince every person in our group of who I am and who the other person is. I just embody me, and I let go of needing to be validated by others. And, you know what, I feel very proud of me for this. That's what really counts - how I feel about me at the end of the day.
I loved the part at the end you mentioned about validation... I've always been a bit of a black sheep and confident in doing my own thing without receiving praise or validation from others. my ex gf was on the opposite end of the spectrum where she constantly needed attention, praise, affirmation, validation, sympathy etc. she was such a phony! always putting on some sort of drama to get the reaction she was after. it was always a competition to make herself look better than me. just exhausting and completely toxic to a relationship.
Sometimes it is so helpful to hear someone give voice to the emotions that are sometimes hard to articulate. Just to have my emotions validated is a great comfort and help to my emotional well-being. Thank you, Dr. C!
This was a very emotional video for me, and I could see your emotion too Dr. Carter. It is such a powerful thing to have our experience, our emotions, validated. When you made the compassionate statement "You ache. You hurt. You cry" I burst into tears. That was so sincere and I thank you for that. I have a dear friend that I've known for over 10 years. She's single, no kids, dated here and there but no serious relationships. I being married twice, 2 kids have a couple of friends, also married and kids, that I've known less time but at one point I was much closer to. With this chapter in my life, I have tried to share with them, and like you said they have well meaning intentions, but just not helpful at all. My single friend has been the most empathetic, most compassionate and loving person with what I'm going through. Definitely unique, given her lack of experience and yet she is the one I lean on the most now.
@@tammyw.4779 God bless you Tams I hope everything works out for you.Dr.C is on our side so we will only get stronger and wiser , if we take his advice.Dr.C has really helped me on my journey.He is one in a million, I feel blest to have found him.Thanks again.
Thank you for the calmness and gravitas you expressed over this, there truly are situations where people are trapped and without a way out until the narcissist literally dies. Sounds harsh but it is absolutely true. I very much feel like the entanglement with my elderly mother makes ME feel like I have a terminal illness [and that illness is her]. When people flippantly quip 'no contact!' it is frankly ridiculous since they have no idea what the story is for each of us. Your videos are very helpful to me, thanks again.
Thank you for being very honest and genuine. Your videos have helped me tremendously in understanding what happened to me...what was done to me for 14 years and getting through so much pain that I swear I have never felt in my entire life and one that I would never wish on anyone else, including my spouse and the flying monkeys. My heart is broken and is full of so much pain which sometimes felt like it could've cost me my very existence, but I allowed myself to feel every ounce of it because it's during those times when I was reminded of my strengths. My life was completely altered and even the person who I was, to the point that I did not recognize the person I saw each time I stood in front of a mirror. But, little by little, through the pain and constantly reminding myself that I am in fact, a good person with a very good heart, I am able to get a glimpse of the old me....the strong me... the ambitious and full of dreams, me...the fun me. You are right. Pain is not my enemy. Instead, pain is there to remind me that I am a human being - a human being with many capabilities and and abilities to turn and help myself become a stronger person.
It has taken me almost a year to get back to the person I was before I began my relationship with my now ex-husband. This process has been brutal, I still have a long recovery ahead of me, but at least I can say that I am in recovery and not where I was two years ago when I didn't have a clue what was happening to me because I didn't know anything about covert narcissists. Now I do. Now I grow. Now I heal.
Thank you sooo much Dr. Carter! This video came just a the right time, a lot of times people don't understand why I am in this bad relashionshop, the answer is I have nowhere to go just yet because of financial issues so for people like me you are an angel! Listening to your videos help me cope with such an ugly situation. Thanks again may God bless you 🙏
@@m.f.richardson1602 The comment section is for commenting the actual video. And you didn't watch it, you just admitted that. In the first two minutes Dr. Carter (who put work and real emotions into that video, and you disrespect him like that) explained, that no contact isn't always an option, and why. You don't wanna help people. Barking "NO CONTACT" helps no one. It's a mild form of victim blaming, in my opinion. Learn patience. Learn empathy.
@Irish Kelly Not everyone is exactly like you, and not every situation with every narcissist ist like yours. And the question wasn't: "What is the healthiest way?". Of course 'no contact' is, theoretically. Who doubts that for one second?! Watch the video, listen carefully, try to understand. There are people here, who read the comments for help. Not only for reading about the experiences of other people, and than handing them a trophy for their incredible bravery, to go no contact. There are people here, who are really thankful for Dr. Carters video, truly thankful for someone, who finally understands. Who watch it with tears in their eyes. I'm so sick of these screaming "NO CONTACT" people. Do you really think, that everyone, who doesn't do that, is simply dumb or weak? How does this help them?! It makes things worse. Where is the difference to all that "Leave him\her! Just go!!" people said decades ago, when no one even knew, what narcissistic abuse was? Indirect victim blaming, I say it again. Doesn't help anyone. People in situations, that Dr. Carter describes, who read something like that, feel not understood, or hate themselves for their "weakness". You people make them feel like the narcissist does. Great help, congratulations! PS: I went no contact with several narcissistic people, before you inevitably ask that. Several! And I am proud of that. But there is one person, where it's extremely difficult - similar to the second example in die video.
@Irish Kelly I was too emotional, okay. But there is absolutely no need for being condescending. Getting emotional from time to time, even getting angry, is human. I wasn't hateful or anything. Anger issues? You don't know me. You and M. F. Richardson didn't watch the video. It was really emotional, and so was my reaction. And neither of you wanted to help anyone, I stand by that (watch the video and explain to me again, what your comment had to do with it). I spoke about tears (I'm sad right now about your comment, believe it or not), and you mock me, just because I was a bit too angry. You don't care. Then why are you commenting at all, under such an important and emotional video? I don't get it.
And then there’s the Avoidant, who blocks, deflects and projects. Continually keeping you in the Punishment phase until you take refuge in that peacefulness. Then breaks his own no contact to tell you in a roundabout way that you are missed and that his plans (I did say ‘his plans’) for future ventures with you are all still in motion. Nowhere in the fresh discussion are your schedule, interests, family, needs or wishes taken into consideration or mentioned. No emotion showing towards you. When your callouses have become thickened from three years of this behaviour, it becomes easier to observe and not absorb ~ but at no time does it feel any better, especially to a compassionate empath 😢 If you don’t avoid all contact your only option seems to be becoming emotionless and pretending by saying ‘how nice’ to everything they tell you because you’ve learned not to trust them anymore. Isn’t that disingenuous, one would ask.
Thank you, Dr. Carter. I needed to hear this as I cannot leave at this time. I practice living each day as peacefully as I can given the circumstances. I realize that I can do nothing to change his behavior so I’ve been working very hard on my own behavior, to uphold my own sense of dignity and try to regain my self worth. It has helped ME feel more in control of my life. Thank you, God bless you, and I wish you and your family a peaceful and blessed Christmas!
Knowing you can’t leave made me just want to reach out and say someone cares about you, and in this moment I am sending my thoughts to you I hope you feel this warm embrace because YOU ARE WORTHY
That was an amazing monologue. Dr. Carter's knowledge on the subject is incredible. If you are lucky enough to get out of that situation/relationship, understand that it can be difficult for the people you are close to, to comprehend what you went through. Even your well-meaning therapist. Think of how great it is that you survived. Think of how much you've grown from the experience. Try and stop reliving the past and be more present. As the philosopher Seneca wrote, "we suffer more in imagination, than in reality."
PARAMOUNT delivery Dr. C. You're a TRUE voice of SANITY and REASON in insane and unreasonable circumstances. WE have been BLESSED by finding you and your WISDOM, COMPASSION and UNDERSTANDING. God Bless you and yours.
I've been binge watching all of these videos. When he had to momentarily stop talking because his feelings were so intense, I felt such love from him. And this is obviously coming from a place where I feel utterly lost and unloved. So thank you, Dr. Carter from the bottom of my heart!
RIGHT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I could find a therapist who is as enlightened on this subject as you, or I had enough money to afford you. There's so much pain and I am having trouble releasing it.
I love all your advice. I just recently started to remove myself from the narcissist in my life. We have 4 children together and he keeps telling me I will never make it without him. Those words are making me stronger and more motivated to be my own person.
The best advice you always give is: Don't lose yourself. And don't be like them.
Yes this is very powerful
Cheers to the wishful hope that freewill exists #googleisownedbyandisthecia 🖖🦋🤣
These narcissists if you let them in your bubble will throw you down with no warning. I really think there are more clinically insane narcissists than many realize
I@@jungly8103I have thought the same thing.
It is the hardest thing in the world when you know what the truth is but nobody seems to get it, and you know nobody wants to hear because they believe the years of lies. It's horrid to walk away knowing you've done nothing wrong, that you've in fact bent over backwards, but still everyone the narc has contact with believes you are "bad". People say "why would your own mother say that if it isn't true". You just can't fight it. This is why I enjoy world travel- in other places people take you for what you are.
Heather, we know. We get it.
I had to do a lot of "friend pruning."
Heather Smith Yeah it really awful it hurts that you did everything you could , they lie and play the victim and people believe them. Your the crazy one the one that did them wrong. It’s very frustrating The only one that knows or believed me is my mother because she seen the things he’s done to me. It bothers you that they don’t see,they will lie to them self until the day they die! They believe there own lies.
Ditto, Heather. My narc mother is highly proficient in telling lies about me that sound more plausible than the truth. She has destroyed my relationship with my adult children and (now) ex-husband and has an on-going smear campaign in the community. Took me a long time to realize that the parent who should love me, is obsessed in devising ways to hurt me, in a pre-mediated fashion. To save myself, I went no contact 26 months ago. She still wields her sword publicly. The truth always wins, though!
It is sad. But remember you are not who they say you are. I understand.....
I hear you, yes I love to travel and meet lovely people of different cultures, rather than narrow minded cruel gossiping idiots. I have a difficult mother too the cause if a lot of hell in my life and now this year I am finally breaking away no traumatising Christmas for me this year but a wonderful Happy Christmas as it aught to be. 💖 I love you for who you are just the perfect way God made you.
Dr Carter, when you say you’re glad that we allow you to be a part of our journey, just know that it’s an honor for me/us to have you as part of my/our journey. I got emotional half way through this video, and I believe you did too. You’re incredible, sir. My heart thanks you!
Agreed thanks doc
I saw emotions too. What a guy!
I felt halfway thru this video as if Dr. Carter was talking to me! "I hurt, I ache, I cry"...I DO have so much raw pain and have endured this for the past 33 years of marriage! I ALWAYS thought I could fix things and I would do better next time! Surely, I am the problem because this is what your husband, the one that LOVES you, has been telling you for the past 33+ years! You are incompetent, you don't know what you are doing, you let people take advantage of you, even your family, if you would just listen to me and do what I say things would be great! Dealing with this is extremely draining and you just don't know what to say or do anymore! I am so tired and always feel like I am walking on egg shells! I always thought things would get better and next time I will do this or that to please him, but nothing seems to help! I can't even talk to him because it is ALWAYS my fault! He will ask me what is wrong with me, you have been acting weird and I think to myself, were do I start? It is pure HELL that someone you think LOVES you would call you names, curse you out, tell you they hate you, degrade you and your family and the list goes on and on! Why stay with someone like this? I feel I have invested so much of my life with this person, I don't want to feel like a failure to end the marriage or abandon him. I also feel responsible for him...he has no friends, mother and father are deceased and his only sister, and her family, has nothing to do with him! He takes no responsibility for this, it is always there fault! I have a big loving family and my mother is still living and have loving relationships with them and many friends. He has told me that he has no one and you have many family members and friends, so basically I should feel sorry for him! I do feel somewhat responsible for him and that is one of the reasons to not end the marriage, plus if I did leave him, he would not leave me alone and would I know would end in tragedy! Thank you Dr. Carter from the bottom of my heart and giving me some peace of mind! I love watching your videos, especially this one, which brought me to an abundance amount of tears and prompted me to comment! It makes me so sad that you understand me more then my husband does! I have even played your videos on TV with my husband watching and he had no clue! He has even told me that he is not a narcissist, even though I asked him what is a narcissist and he replied, "I don't know, but that is not me!" I rest my case!!!!! Thank you and continue your important work because you are making a difrerence!
It makes me so sad and brings tears to my eyes that you understand me more then my husband and I have never met you!
Yes I'm glad I found u on here also..wished I was still close to Dallas..20 years of drs...none helped me as a person .they jst give me meds.tht made me sick..
If I could give this a million thumbs up I would. Thank you Dr. C for believing us.
I never realized the devastating consequences & level of emotional pain that could exist by having a Narcissist in your life. It is truly traumatizing‼️
The narcissist, has already lost. They have an inability to love and feel compassion. They lost!
A Mishel no not just inability to love and feel compassion they don’t care about that. They have the inability to feel JOY or NORMAL. They can never be alone and they have no idea what it’s like to feel CONTENT. That is what haunts them✌🏻😎
@@Herekittykitty01
Can never be alone? As in having the TV always on?
Rk Ding yes that does happen. But also always on the phone esp when driving. They literally hate to be alone with themselves. They feel no peace. They get anxious or depressed when their mind isn’t distracted CONSTANTLY
@@Herekittykitty01 exactly
Here Kitty Kitty, yes! One of mine talked incessantly for 12-14 hours straight! Then I’d end the conversation & he’d find someone else (other supply) to talk to! Insanity...
"All I have left from them is pain". Cuts like a knife. But "I still have my character and my priorities intact, so I win". I still have real, important things to which I can anchor myself.
THIS is getting me through this day. Thank you.
I'm so grateful for professionals who recognize that no contact is just not always an option. So, so grateful.
I hate when I read no contact as the ultimate answer. No it's not. Esp not for those of us who have children with the narc. I've only been separated 8 months, so it has been a huge learning curve to not react, to contact as little as possible, parallel parenting. He hates my boundary of email or text only, he tests me every chance he can and I haven't done well with grey rocking yet. We haven't even filed divorce yet, so you know things will heat up much worse then. It's taking time to heal, to grow, to break the trauma bond, and reading no contact makes me feel like I'm doing it all wrong.
@@mamamiafreedom
No contact = no realism
Exactly!
Yes some of us cannot fully escape narcs and its feels uncomfortable when others say "why dont you leave" as if were idiots for staying. We take our responsibilities seriously and we cant let others who are depending on us down. Just as Dr Carter says we cant let the narc consume our minds and hearts, we must look out for our own happiness and stay true to ourselves.
@@mariegibbons7531 Yep. I have heard the "why don't you just leave?!" numerous times. Sometimes it is simply not an option for numerous reasons. All of us have more or less the same story in regards to what the narcissist says/does, and how they treat us, however, not all of us are in the same "life" situation in which we can just walk out the door and say to the narc, "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!"
Sometimes I just have to shut down to protect myself.
That's when they win, Mary.
Escape!
I'm in shut down mode too...I'm tired!
But you can’t stay there ... protecting yourself is getting yourself away.
Texts me constantly, and if I don't respond, he says oh, your busy with your others???? Seriously, just doing normal things, like laundry, listening to music or staring at the wall. It is so frustrating to be perfectly innocent, and always having to explain what the heck you are doing. Thanks for letting me vent. Your comment was how I feel.
Dear Mary Catherine,
I shut down too when I was with my EXTREME COVERT MALIGNANT ABUSIVE husband, and ONLY because I needed to protect my self too. Somehow, it help me during all those times of severe duress.
As I listened, I was thinking: "This advice would be equally valuable and appropriate if it were given to people who are trapped in a concentration camp with brutal guards." ("Hold on to goodness, no matter what.") Then it occurred to me that for many people, there's not a huge difference. Their lives feel like concentration camps. Your sympathetic heart comes shining through in this video, Dr. C. Thank you.
Agreed thanks Doc.
kes S : so true❣
Dear kes S: I understand your analogy to concentration camps and know what you are trying to convey. But this analogy is inappropriate. And offensive. People died and were murdered there. Witnessed their family murdered in front of them, experienced starvation, torture, etc. It does not compare to the emotional abuse we are discussing here. Please read on the subject if you disagree with me.
Joanna Fennell I say this with kindness, please don’t degrade another persons point of view, for some people, the narcissistic person in their life can drive them to suicide or can actually kill them! To take another persons life is a narcissistic act. For some people living a reality surrounded by narcissist people their situation WILL BE as bad as a mental concentration camp, some do not get out of the narcissistic relationship alive! Please, please be kind to others experiences of this very difficult subject. Kind regards.
@@joannaRB The problem is, psychic abuse can be worse than death. Also, what would you call killing someone in front of someone else's eyes if not torture? By my reckon that surely qualifies.
And as far as a narcissist goes, he'd rather keep you locked away than allowing you even the tiniest bit of freedom.
Btw, German here, and I do NOT find the analogy offensive at all, because it hits the nail straight on the head.
Describing the narcissist as the "gift that keeps on giving" made me laugh! Even with a difficult subject, I do appreciate your humor.
Give Gus a hug for me!
specially when you think gift means also poison (in german, a very close language to english, and no joke!) that is exactly what their gifts are... !
Thank you for your videos Dr C, they are very helpful. You always present information in a loving, kind, and non-judgmental way... a great example for all of us 🙏🏼
It is hard to forgive people who are not sorry for what they have done.
Justin Boger It’s extremely hard, but God expects us to because he forgave us. That doesn’t mean tolerating abuse though. He tells us in Ephesians 4 that we give place to the devil if we let the sun go down on our anger. I learned that is a literal statement. Forgiveness is really for our own well being. God will deal with those who harm us.
I did forgive my parents silently to what they did to ME personally yet there's their misbehaviour, slandering and disrespect to my family (esp. from my mothers side) which is still bound before God. I want them to get their just reward in this world already. No problem for a Christian according to scriptures as they are NOT my fellows in Christ. *Matthew **18:18*
@@bellasworld8995 Ephesians 4:26 is meant to be applied among Christians. It doesnt cover narcs who are not of Christ.
The forgiveness is for your benefit.
It releases the resentment .
It doesn't mean you are accepting their behaviour by forgiving them.
It means you are letting go of the negative feelings to allow yourself to heal and not continue to suffer in the future.
Acknowledge the pain, process the feelings and then move on from it.
Take back the power by rising above it and not waiting for them to apologise to you.
@@silb8139 but If you're not able to eventually let go all your burden to Jesus Christ you will never have FULL release... Its just temporary then and resentment will come back.
Dr Carter your empathy with us sufferers is like a balm to my soul, these people live to hurt others, and the only way I have survived is doing exactly what you have suggested - focus on what it is that narcissists hate about us gentle people - our love of nature, art, good literature, your advice is spot on, after years of avoiding the pain inside that these family members caused when I finally faced it I realised outside forces cannot and will never touch my peace of mind again, but at the same time finding a video like this is pure gold during the hard moments when they cannot be avoided and a voice of empathy and understanding like yours is like a light in the darkness , wishing you and your loved ones a very Happy Christmas , from Ireland with deepest gratitude.
Thanks for these soothing words. Dr. C
Yes....so glad to find your videos.... why has nobody noticed the sort of man my husband is.....you keep asking yourself “is it me”... but you already know the answer. I have one person who I can talk to about this.... my kids don’t want to hear a word against their dad.... and I understand that... so I’ve stopped trying.
Thank you, Dr Carter. Please know your videos became a lifeline for me after I was "asked" to leave my house after 37 years of marriage to the same woman and 9 kids, 3 still in the house. The "conditions" of my return were simple...I would have to "rebuild trust," and I could not expect to ever have the respect of my wife and children again. I left in February, not knowing what I would do, and, quite early on became familiar with narcissism as a real disorder. I read and watched videos, and yours came into my field of vision. Your understanding and ability to "break it down" were so very helpful, and your empathy replaced that which I realized had been lacking throughout my marriage. The present video is most helpful of all, since I find myself in the process of divorce (I filed) and the three kids alienated completely. On the positive side, 5 of the 6 kids that are now adults have come alongside of me and let me know they saw the problems at home throughout their childhood and teen years, and that they are very much "on my side." Heartbreaking truths I have dealt with this year, but I believe it is all for a reason. I know God doesn't "waste" the pain we go through. Thanks again, sir, and Merry Christmas.
I had a narcissistic boss who, after 1yr of me being a rock star at work, was hired as the new boss. She systematically turned everyone against me and tore me down until I quit. This was an internship job gaining hours for licensure as a therapist. She was in psych 101 in the same graduate program I was finishing!! Today I am a marriage & family therapist with a thriving private practice!!
Congratulations
Wow a Narc psychologist!!! What a career choice 😲
I had a narcissist boss durung the day and came home to an unsupportive narcissist at night. At the time I had no support. I was ridiculed pulicly & privately. Worst time of my life! I understand!
Has anyone else experienced this: During a large family gathering at Thanksgiving, I started implementing the "I refuse" technique (inside my head) and the "respond, do not react" technique in my interactions with my 85 year mother. True to form, the first morning of the get together, she tried 3 times to provoke an argument. First, she maligned my adult daughter, who wasn't present. "Kim" is the only grandchild who seeks Mom out, and spends time with her on a regular basis when she visits home. I was telling Mom how hectic Kim's travel plans to the get-together were, and she said, "Well, I don't think that's funny. That's the kind of person I'm always having to clean up after. I dropped the subject. Mom picked up the coffee pot,
then asked me if I wanted any coffee. Before I could answer, she said, "Oh, I forgot, you have to have specialty coffee" My husband and I had walked to the local coffee shop snd got coffees early that a.m. to avoid waking everyone up by making coffee in the kitchen. I didn't react, but instead told about meeting the owner of the shop who had a unique accent. We asked him about it because it was lovely. After giving a vague initial answer, he said, in a fake, comical conspiratorial whisper that he was from Ukraine. Mom said, "Well, that's just rude. If someone doesn't want to tell you where they're from, you shouldn't force them to tell you." I waited until the conversation was picked up by other extended family members who were there and went to take a shower. Later that evening , she approached me while I was alone (her insults were made in front of a number of extended family members) and said in a confrontational tone, "I'm sorry I made you mad." I told her she hadn't and explained she had one opinion of me and my family, that I disagreed with it, but she had every right to her opinion. I helped her get into bed, got her hot tea and we chatted about random things until.she fell asleep. I found out later that she pulled several family members aside over the course of the holiday and told them I was angry and not speaking to her. The fact is that she actively avoided me for the rest of the vacation. What is this? I can tell my existence makes her uncomfortable. I call and go check on her periodically, and it's always very awkward for the first 10 minutes or so. I feel like I've interrupted her planning a bank robbery or something. . . ?!!
Your mom sounds just like my dad. I figured out that it’s something narcissists do when they can’t get you to take the bait; they will constantly smear your name to others and eventually deflate and withdraw from interacting. That must be why she was acting so awkward when you checked on her, you not engaging with their dysfunctional behavior is like calling them out; they hate it when people see them for who they really are. I’ll be honest, it has been hard lately to get my dad’s words out of my head. After not talking to me for weeks, because of my constant gray rock attitude, he shows up and says “I just want to say hi, and I love you.” It was so disorienting; knowing his character, he’ll show up and give anyone a verbal lashing.
My life has been destroyed by my narc. At age 58 I’ll be starting over with nothing, no job, no home, no money.. no family and no friends.. I’ve been devastated.
So sorry Debra. I wish we can get in touch somehow. Hang in there and try hard to start over again. God Be With You.
Me too.
Debra Anchante Stay strong! Be courageous !
So sorry Debra - I understand completely - it's absolutely soul destroying stuff. Hang in there tho - baby steps - you can get through this. Sending you a big hug.
Hugs and prayers for you!
This has been the worst pain of life. Traumatic confusion and agony. I do not know what to do with my life and this hurt. I have no family or support system so I have nowhere to turn but to videos like this.
11 you are not alone. Many of us here feel exactly as you do. We can gain some sort of support knowing we are here by a common bond.
Same here. So glad we have this technology.
Acknowledgment of how many tears I shed is powerful.
Same here and the more tears I shed the more power and control he had over me.
I’m just starting to understand that connection.
Tammie Cranny.... There was a time when I thought he broke me...I spent a week in the hospital and he hardly ever came to see me..His excuse was the dogs needed him at home...The reason I went to hospital was because I was suffering with stress induced anxiety and I had a TGA...transglobal amnesia..I lost 8 hours of memory for the day this happened..when I ‘ woke’ up he was standing over the Emergency bed with an annoying face on, which told me he didn’t want to be called off work for this....He disappeared soon afterwards and said the dogs needed him...I don’t recall him coming back to the hospital to spend time with me...
Another incident was over a broken promise he made to me in front of a therapist...I called him out on it and he denied he did it and then when that didn’t work, he blamed my sister for pouring the extra wine in his glass...He gaslit me so badly that I didn’t know if I was coming or going, punched or bored...I blew up and smashed as much as I could get my hands on and he photographed it and sent it to my sister after he knew I had told her of the blame he made on her...This is how I know he is a covert narcissist...He talks so slow and sweet and quiet and sits in the corner and everybody thinks he’s ok....He is sick and I’m really sick of him
@@canadianlady777 I really hope you left this monster. He will NEVER change.
When he was alive I felt it must be like in a prison.
Things would have been fine if I never had a brain or spoke.
Dr. Carter, can all of us clone you?
You are one in a million.
Woolfy hugs to Gus!
There it is: the pain is terrible, and living your own truth is hard. You ache, you hurt, you cry. Thank you, Dr. Carter. The narcissists have been legion! Dignity. Respect. Civility.
Christmas with narcissists? NEVER again. Ever.
Happily for me, my SIL narc won't be with us for Christmas; first time ever! (Yippee!!)
Corinna Schütt nice to meet another with the holiday issue. Ditto!!! Horrible and dreadful. Now I really prefer the holidays alone with my kitties. It is a love fest. Direct relations now deceased, but the rest? Horrible to spend time with them. No no no. No contact and holidays are great again. Once in awhile I join a friend’s day. Good families. But no more with those narcissists. No more. Every holiday now I feel peace and freedom. Also self respect!
Omg ik
I am joining you on that one!
@@hisnewlife3543 Me too, but this Probably means I'll be completely alone from now on, at Christmas too. Better than all that awful Stress though.
Dr C, another stellar video! When leaving a narcissist, I believe everyone needs to be prepared for the worst case scenario and your counsel is the best tool in our toolbox. Thank you.
I had been planning this for a long long time. What I wasn’t prepared for was the shaming of people I know. Shaming of how could I have been so stupid to marry him, or stay once the narcissist abuse started, or shamed for leaving. Shamed by my church community for divorcing. Shamed and ridiculed for helping him through a terminal illness after the divorce. My ex husband was a master of alienating people from me during the marriage and keeping me isolated. Only one person from my work stepped up to say you will get through this. Ive always had a good sense of self, and determination to get through anything in life. Without that and my faith in God, I wouldn’t have made it. Now I have your videos to really help me heal. Dr C and Laura (and Gus!) you are stepping up for all of us here, giving encouragement, strength, knowledge, to get through very tough times. Some of us would be walking this path completely alone without your help. Thank you from the bottom of my very grateful and healing heart!
Thanks Shari. We’re in this together! Dr. C
By being in a relationship with a narc, you are already being emotionally abused, but if there is ANY chance of physical violence, there is nothing material worth your life. Get out and “things” can be replaced, you can’t.
Dr Carter, your warmth, consistency, good advice and support has gotten me through the hardest and scariest time in my life,thank you for taking the time to post these videos.
Wishing you, Gus and your family a blessed holiday season. Thank you
Just wanted to say Thank you not only for me but for the immeasurable impact you have on so many lives, bringing this issue into the realms of understanding for so many people whose lives have been blighted by a narcissist. Even if people are trapped in circumstances by a narcissist, the just knowing...... aha...this is how it rolls.....helps people to realise they are not going mad. You make everyone's today a better place. Blessings to you.
Received with gratefulness. Dr. C
I escaped.I truly believe he would have killed me .Now comes the healing.💚 My Today
Happy for you and hopefully for me, too!
Me too... it's sick but you aren't alone
Well ya had to go & make me cry.
Thanks tho. I needed to hear this today.
Aww 💜 hang in there, I know it's tough. I'm doing it daily😒
I need this kind of encouragement to strive for peace and calmness thank you for your work
i am too old and too sick to start a new life but i did change myself and become a better person your videos are a life saver did not know anything for 50 years ..and i am a clinical pharmacist thank you very much your are a real person with tears in your eyes i really love the way you speak thanks again
Dear Abe, nobody is too old or sick to start over anew for eternal life abundantly with Jesus! Matthew 11:28 Take your burden to Him as long as you're still breathing... Blessings your way!
*Love and Peace and a big virtual hug, Dr. Carter*
Received, with a grateful heart. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism From me, too. Thank you for being vulnerable and therefore graspable. There is so much strength in that. It helps me a lot to see that my feelings are valid, too.
I am humbled at how much of a real human being you are Doctor, it is overwhelming that you are able to save lives with such humility. You are our brother from another.
When are they not impossible? Oh, that's right, it the beginning of meeting such a person. Then you actually have the feeling you are not dealing with a (covert) narcissist but a normal healthy individual.
Yes
The worse for me is I never new he was living with his ex at the time. He hid it Soo well moved on with me had three kids. Now seven years later so many heart breaks later , I found out the truth from his ex. Oh. And now he's moving on to next target
@@memes.1114 So sad that these people act without a conscience. Sick, cold hearted, emotionless losers I think they are. Using others by telling lies as if it is the truth.
In the beginning it was wonderful...Love bombed, doted on and then.....when the marriage papers are signed....boom...I never saw it coming and when it did, I was gob smacked..I thought something hit me in the head and I went insane all of a sudden...it was that swift !! I took pity on him, then felt very sorry he quit his job to followed me to Florida, then felt very sad for him...Him, who has been diagnosed with depression ( fake) couldn’t or didn’t want to make friends..Found I was walking on eggshells but couldn’t withhold my disappointments in his efforts to make life bearable around the house for me...I was working lots of hours while he played golf...He started drinking which gave me more guilt for his moving to Florida...He said he did all that for me....ya right!
I swear he looked for things he knew would upset me...He needed his supply...I didn’t know that back then but since turning into lots of these videos and listening...I realized what I couldn’t put into words was exactly what these videos were telling me was happening in my life...The gazillions of videos were telling me what was happening before my own eyes..I was shocked....Thank God Somebody knows what I’ve been going through...I cried and cried and cried some more to know I’m not alone...Thank God....Thank God...but I still need to tell somebody so when I can’t speak for myself, someone else will know what hell has been like...Who on earth do I trust? My sister doesn’t want me to involve her in the drama, my brother is a narcissist and my parents are gone...
Raoul Kleijntjens ..aha, butter wouldn’t melt in their mouth
Man! This one really struck home. I'm trapped. If they have control over the quality of your life and you have no options, your screwed and they are winning . where do you go? To these videos I guess...thanks for being there doc!!
coolhand chris, what has worked for me is to try not to engage emotionally with them. Keep your own counsel, and keep them at arm's length. Don't share too much of yourself. In my case there has been the beginning of a "shift" in the other person. They seem a little confused by the change in me, and at the moment are just observing, not sure what to do next to push my buttons! I'm enjoying it a little. But, with some narcs, that might just enrage them. I guess you have to try to know which type you're dealing with.
@@notagain779 I hear ya,I've been doing exactly what your doing and because I'm not responding the way they want, they have started to demonize me or question my sanity. Funny how mean-spirited and mental they are and yet they project that on you/me.
@@notagain779 I have done the same for the most part. Narcissist is constantly coming up with new BS in an attempt to trigger me. Sometimes it works...sometimes it doesn't. I have a difficult time not calling BS on the lies, though....which are multiple any time I have to be around him. My biggest problem is HATING having my intelligence insulted. I guess since I fell for his BS in the beginning, he thinks he can still con me. I hate to be thought of as "one of his sheep". *Sigh* ... I have so much work to do on myself ...
@@coolhandchris5960 Truth...they hate it when we "flip the script" on them!
I'm in a similar situation
You are describing my experiences. no one can explain it to me as clearly as you do. I wish had known this channel years earlier. I will use DRC as my mantra starting today. again, thank you so much. you have no idea how you have helped me.
Thanks so much, Henry. DRC
I've learned through hard experience that there are very few people you can talk with, and you usually have to avoid any mutual friends because they may already be flying monkeys.
agreed about the mutual friends... and then if you end up breaking up with them you may find you lose people who you thought were friends.
7:15 -You’re a wonderful human being Doctor Carter!
This is an absolutely beautiful video. Both my parents were narcissists and I have been no contact for a while. For about 10 years, I have had the intention to be the opposite of my parents. I have CRPS from the long term emotional damage. If I start veering off the track of respect and kindness - I get flare-ups. I have a strong internal barometer - If I am not aspiring toward respect, dignity, and kindness - I end up in a wheelchair. Given that, I must aspire to be the antidote to evil. To 'see' other people, treat them with respect and kindness. I stumble - I'm not perfect...but, being open, owning my mistakes, listening to others with curiosity and respect has brought me such joy. Dr. Carter is so right - and he has so much compassion. Thank you, Dr. Carter. This was so touching.
Thank you, Dr. Carter. I saw and heard your heart in this one. I feel it because I have experienced this first hand, and I see that you see it. I have hurt, and still do. I have been in a place of tremendous grief and pain, to the point that it manifested physically. I saw that, and heard that, from you in this video. Thank you, for being brave and kind enough, to share this. I often find validation from the descriptions you give of what it is like being with that narcissist, and it gives me hope for healing from the pain I have gone thru. It helps me to encourage and lift up my children, who have suffered too. May God bless you for all you do. ❤
Thank you, Katherine. Dr. C
Being our own best friend, and letting pain run through and not hold onto it is a good thing. I am nearly 70 and no longer have Narcissists in my life and am learning to attract REAL friends. It's lovely!
My mother is a narcissist. My father is codependent. I moved out of state 10 years ago and they pretty much dismiss and discard. They however want me to do the reaching out all the time. I quit. If they want to roll their eyes at my life decisions, they can do the driving
It seems ,at least in my experience with this person, he goes out of his way to make my holidays so much more stressful- but that must be my imagination because he says he doesn't do anything "intentionally" to hurt me...I am emotionally exhausted, praying this will be my LAST xmas with this person affecting me....
@@WakeyWakey1111 : I have been following these videos .They DO help. God bless you, Dr.C!
Let 2020 be a year of healing and good emotional health for all of us. Blessings!
I have heard that "I didn't mean to hurt you" (or "piss you off") ... or will ACT completely oblivious to their actions, behavior, lies, etc and say, "I didn't do anything wrong!"
@@dianem2136 nothing is ever about THEIR behavior, only your reaction...exhausting people
@@Suzu52 So very true.
@@Suzu52 If you're in a relationship like befriended or parent you might want to start to skip Christmas with them? I remember I did that in my early twenties with my parents by going skiing during those days and it felt absolutely great.
"I am going to be the embodiment of goodness!" Today, I can do good things with my today. Dr. Carter, I feel that this video was made just for me. What a poignant video! I will anchor down in the things that matter to me. I love art, creating, painting, public service to disabled children. These are my good moments, the "golden moments for me."
Thank you for making these videos. I've been 40 years married to a man whom you describe perfectly. I did not know this is what was wrong. It's been miserable, but I always believed that I should just focus on improving myself. I had no tools for dealing with him. I could not make sense of how someone so gentle in heart could be so mean in spirit. 10 years ago I decided to get my teaching degree and begin purging bitterness from myself. My independence has resulted in him ramping up his game. Your videos , which I stumbled across, have been life-changing for me. In the few weeks I've been watching them, I have completely changed how I interact with him and the results are amazing. I recognize him excalating in order to gain a reaction from me. It's more like watching a movie than being in the scene. My internal dialogue has completely changed. I am an intervention teacher, which is definitely my calling, so I gain great satisfaction in my work. I will say that I'm exhausted from living with this for 40 years. I'm trying to start caring about things again, but that is a slow process. I'm just very very tired. I look forward to continuing this learning journey through these wonderful insights that you share.
Gosh, your story is so close to mine ,except my marriage is going on 55 years. I only started WAKING UP to this nightmare about 4 years ago while reading a book on personality disorders and was in shear shock to realize I was reading about MY HUSBAND. !! It's been all down hill worse than ever . ( he's on to me now... cause I'm not his "DOORMAT" ANYMORE!
Gramma Gram ..... same here. I’ve been married to the same man as you ( it seems) for 47 years. He’s kept me so brow-beaten that even after 45 years of continually working and giving him all my earnings, I have no money to leave him. Also I know that he’d just be calling on my daughter to ‘do’ for him. She has enough on her plate without that. So I’m stuck with this crap until me or him die. But watching these Les Carter vids has given me some tools at last to deal with his nonesense. Long may it continue..... but I so wish I could just have a few years of peace at the end of this very trying marriage.
, but seems my wishes count for nothing.
Once again, Dr. Carter is spot on! Let me say that if you are hurting, in pain, aching like the video says, please know that I hold your pain in my heart. A metta meditation practice has helped me through the years with this horrible feeling. Having said that, I am delighted that Dr. Carter pointed this issue of the pain and the suffering in this video. Over a year ago, I discovered this channel. Watching these videos led to watching others and reading other books by Dr. Carter and others. I know I used to think that if I extended compassion and behaved in a conciliatory way, not to mention trying to make rational arguments, went nowhere with the narcissist. I think I was very naive. Let me say this again: I was very naive. I had to question my own assumptions. I thought reason, justice and fairness and putting my children first would be something the narcissist would understand. Multiple times the lawyers would ask her "can he have the kids longer?" The answer was always "No". She always said through attorneys she wanted me to talk to her...I caught on after watching these videos that this is her supply. She wanted me to talk to her so she could say "NO". No other reason other than the sheer joy for her of exercising her will to deprive me of my children. I had to understand, and it took me a while, that this is not rational. I was noticing what this was doing to me: I was sad, bitter, ruminating. I had the presumption that, somehow, the "universe" or some other force or karma would teach the narcissist a lesson. I now know and I want to share it is not possible. It is "magical thinking" to think that somehow something will teach these people something that will make them click and "acknowledge the error of their ways" (ha ha, I laugh as I type this at my own infantile thinking!). I agree that, for me, I made it a point to be true to me. My wife asked me "Ok, this has happened in your life, what are you going to do next? What kind of life do you want to live?" Slowly I started answering that question. I trained for several triathlons, I gave some public talks to organizations that deal with conflict resolution, I continued meditating and I continue to love my children and my family every day. I noticed how, slowly, I was more understanding of other people's struggles and put judgment aside. Every swim stroke, every pedal on the bike and every step while running I take I move away from the toxicity of what I experienced. I am grateful, every day grateful for what I have learned. I am also sad that this is "an ugly truth". I cannot do anything about someone else. I can also hold their pain in my heart, but I also exercise boundaries. Remember, put away the presumption that somehow, sometime or someway, this is going to go away. It is not. All of you on this channel who hurt, I understand your pain.
So gracious. Dr. C
The quicker you can get to the point where the narcissist means nothing to you the quicker you will start to heal. Do whatever you have to do to get there but continue being the empathetic person you are. It’s tough but I’m actually glad I went through it. An education like no other! My spouse now is a perfect match for me and my relationship with my children is as good as it has ever been. Have faith in the goodness inside you, take a break when you need it but press forward.
Dr C - I wish you could know how much your gentle kindness means - when there is so much pain you are there with compassion - you give me hope and strength to not give up - thank you
So pleased. Dr. C
I've been taught to suppress my feelings. Now I'll tell a narcissist how their action makes me feel, generally noticing they'll attempt to respect the boundary, before long.
Something new'll happen later but if you've the patience, it doesn't have to be a broken record topic. They'll always wear you out by testing new creative passive aggression and that's where putting space between them begins to help, me.
As long as you know what you're up against, i think you'll be fine.
Find positive people
Gamma Light 👌🏻👍🏻
@SealedTilRedemption Double bonding: No matter how you are doing it, it's not right for the narcissist. Better choose your own path - and since you cannot make it right for him in the first place, why not give him something that genuinely angers him?
@SealedTilRedemption I can relieve you, I'm not in this type of situation. However, should someone present me any such Devil's Alternative, I'd surely look for the one that annoys him the lost, and when he gets triggered give him an earful. That should send his brain into critical error mode.
The constant boundary incursions, passive-aggressive assaults....
Cancer, stroke, from the sleep deprivation.
Get rid of whoever that is doing this to you. In my opinion.Way easier.. They'll chase you once they realize you're gone. God bless
So many "empty" comments or advice from others like "well if its so bad why do you stay". They have no idea how much that affects us and actually hurts a person living in hell with a narcissist. Like you said, unless they have lived it they just don't understand. After 25 yrs of aching and hurting and crying I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It will be difficult to reach but I see it in the distance. Thank you for your videos. They give me hope.
DeeVination Yes exactly
I was with my ex NPD boyfriend for about 1.5 years until I finally discarded him. Took him about a year to fully reveal who he is, and I took about half a year to decide whether or not he was right for me and to move out. I understand that sometimes the narc is your boss, your mom/dad, etc; I also understand that the narc is like "our cigarettes", but I do also believe that you can't fully blame the narc for your unhappiness. You are the main person responsible for your happiness, and except for some cases, you do have the power to leave and be happy. So yes, sometimes I wonder how some people took so long to get out of that hell hole. 6 months of emotional/verbal abuse, uncertainty, crazy thinking, cheating and lies were enough to put my dignity above everything else and gtfo. I hope you can do the same.
@@silviasquillaci2196 Happy you were able to leave that relationship. Unfortunately, everyones situation is different and each have different variables within that relationship.
DeeVination my own divorce attorney said that why you don’t marry these people, I told him that was very victim shaming and that of course I wouldn’t have married him if he wasn’t lying about who he was
@@kyraaborkman People just don't get it. Stay strong my friend.
I agree with this, when we have to live with a narcissist we can have boundaries and follow our own path in spite of the pressure of the narcissist. They will attempt to make us feel guilty about taking a break from things we don't want to do or can't do, but we can ignore their tantrums and carry on anyway.
DR. CARTER!!! THIS IS THE BEST VIDEO OF THIS SERIES!!!! THANK YOU!
From the heart.
The further along the spectrum of narcissism they are the more damage they will do to your life and health over time.
Surely, if you don't walk away...
Narcissistic Abuse Rehab, absolutely. I ended up in ER with life threatening high blood pressure... systolic around 200 or more. I believe I have also developed diabetes and have been told I have PTSD. The nocturnal panic attacks, racing heart and fear I live with each day have really taken a toll. Narcissists destroy lives.
@@fifilafleur5555 I'm so sorry to hear that, Fifi. There are very real physical and mental health consequences that can arise as a consequence of narcissism exposure. They certainly do destroy lives.
Narcissistic Abuse Rehab that is what has finally made me decide its time to plan my escape Panic attacks , hair falling out , skin breakouts , sudden bursts of tears , feelings of bitterness and anger because 35 years of marriage and now i am 60 and my life has been wasted living in misery Like a bird in a cage and the door has been open but afraid to fly out into the world I dated him for ten years before we married at 24 ( 14 years old we were childhood sweethearts) but after the i dos He changed on a dime and being so young didnt figure it out until I worked with a narc doctor for ten years and I started looking up personality disorders and eventually discovered my husband was overt covert narc and it all made sense ! Then the hurt then the bitterness and resentment for ruining all the best years of my life and making me doubt myself and yes thinking something was wrong with me ! He says he loves me but acts like he despises me Gaslights me I thought I was losing my mind Thank God for Dr Carter and all of you
thank you....I felt your understanding, compassion and empathy strongly on this one. Thanks for providing this help to those of us with nowhere to turn.
This video made me cry: after a lifetime of entanglement with narcissists it is easy to feel utterly destroyed. Thank you.
Just remember dealing with a NARCISSIST KEEP YOUR BOUNDARIES...
Go as little as possible contact, but always hold truth on who you are and be nice as you can..they hate it when your nice...
Merry Christmas to everyone..🎄🎄🎄
So weird. I grey rock so hard and it makes her explode
Great advice.
Being part of a narcissists life over time makes you feel unsafe showing vulnerability because they use it against you & seem to enjoy your suffering.. but feeling your pain, crying, being vulnerable, it feels so good to come out the other side.. because trust me, you will make it through it! 😊💜
I have been in exactly that place for a while now...emotional grief like I’ve never known, anger that is like burning rage and fear that has turned my blood cold with the realisation of the damage not just to me but my children who are now adults and living with very difficult ppl. How could I have let this happen?...well I’m now seeking counselling but the main thing that’s helping now ( aside from your videos) is my Faith in Jesus that I’ve had since I was a little girl. I have a whole new routine that starts early in the morning and gets me through every day, sometimes a minute at a time, I still have bad days but I know exactly who to turn it over to. I know it’s not for everyone...but I cannot begin to tell you how much healing I’m feeling and the amazing power of Gods grace and love like I’ve never ever felt love. The power of Jesus has flipped all the pain and anger completely around . And I thank God for you sir 🙏
Oh Dr C, just the words I needed today. Crying, yet seeing the good, & anchoring down in good. I know I’ll be fine, just sad.... this too shall pass. Thank you for your words
Heads-up UK, I just found out that the UK has legislation against the actions of these type of people, punishable with up to 5 years in prision! (Serious Crime Act 2015, section 76 controlling & coercive behaviour) That fear I've had for decades, that I'm crazy for leaving him, just vanished seeing a law acknowledging that what we go through is wrong. Peace to you too DR.Carter ❤
Hi I am in the UK too. Not sure about a law..Narcs are so good at projection and have no qualms lying. I have seen the law fully support a N mother who l;ies and destroy a loving dad this year. So few people see or understand that I fear a law will do more harm than good. The outside world could not have saved me as a child no one saw it.. It was my normal experience and took me half a century to understand!
Wow! I have been wondering why there aren't any laws against the horrific abuse we have suffered - he did every possible form of abuse and I am working on healing from a 41 year marriage that I walked away from because I had enough.
I thank you, your words, with such feeling & compassion for those of us who have been wrapped in the muzzle of a Narcissist mean so very much.
You're welcome, Brynn. For whatever reason, as I was speaking that day, my emotions crept in. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism I'm an RN, who retired a short time ago, I am what would be classified as a “seasoned nurse” before the landscape of things changed. I believe it important to possess a passion for the careers we choose & it will offer those we serve the best of us. I wanted to acknowledge that along with your substantial experience, knowledge, & insight, the element of revealing a “touch of emotion” offers caring & understanding.
Since my knowledge has expanded and I'm not taking it personally anymore, I'm shedding the victim mentality, and as a result I'm way less 'harmed'. They do what it is that they're doing, and it does not affect my inner peace as it used to. Thank you Dr. Carter.
Music to my soul. Dr. C
Thank you Dr. C for your encouragement. My husband whom has separated from me a bit ago , had wrote lists out for me to do to be a “ person of good character.” Example: one of the items was to be a good Christian. And when I started putting my relationship with Jesus number 1, he then told me “ that being a good Christian wasn’t enough for me.” My list goes on and on and on. And he would always set the bar higher for me. He would hold his hand way up in the air and say that’s where he is at and then show me with his other hand that I was very low and I had to rise up to him. He would tell me “ it’s going to be a very lonely journey for you”, My heart is broke
Is he an officer in the Pharisee Club?
When character is intact. When priorities are intact. That’s winning. Thank You Dr. C.
Happy Holidays.
This is so true ❤️
You've warmed my heart, and I see the light. Thank you.
No matter what actually happened, how it ended, etc, won't the narcissist spin it as a "win" for them anyway? Makes me remember the "Don't wrestle with a pig" saying.
If you lay down wth dogs you get up with fleas””” lol 💥💥
elgie swift Yeah they will always win even if they have to lie to do it !! How that’s a win I don’t know the most ridiculous lie where you start laughing 😂 at them saying that’s ridiculous.
Regular folks aren't stupid, they know when people are being fake even if they won't admit it. Energy doesn't lie. Little by little the narc will lose followers, supply, listening ears and support.
Daniel yes they will seen it first hand but shame happen to late already sold my home and moved but it was for my peace of mind and that’s more important hv grandchildren and things to do unlike them - they have no one cuz your not the first & won’t be the last ❣️❣️💥 They did it again in around about way sad thing is women was sick 💥🙏
A pig is still nicer than a narc even if he rolls in it.
I can’t believe that I’ve lived my whole life (66) and not know what a narcissist was. Sadly, I’ve been exposed to them my entire life, parents, employer, husband, friend etc. As an Empath, and a people pleaser I just didn’t recognize this. Yes, I hurt, ache and cry but I now understand why I’ve lived most of my life thinking I was crazy! You made me understand that I’m not. And, now that I’m on my own, I am discovering a whole new life of respect, dignity and balance. Thank you for educating me and thank God for helping me to find your site.
It's so helpful that you get it! The most recent narc in my life was the mother of a lovely woman i was personal assistant to, who had motor neuron disease (ALS in the USA). I could not just walk away, without abandoning my job and a woman I'd become very fond of.
This narc was AWFUL in lists of ways, including violent rage. She made my life a misery, in every way she could think of.
Thank god, I never have to accommodate her again, now my friend has passed away. And luckily, i had people i could rant to.
It’s a very lonely, isolated place being married to NPD. It’s cold and clinical and calculated. I’ve had to flatline and grey rock for so long in order to just function during the fluctuations of hoovering and discarding, that I’m essentially numb. It takes days or weeks of being alone without any interaction with my spouse to feel myself again.
It’s depressing to no end, knowing what causes it, being aware of what could be and completely disengaging in any true attachment or feeling in order to survive.
It’s a prison sentence for life. I’m afraid for me the flowers will never smell the way they once did.
Thanks Dr. Les
The most empowering thing I've learned the hard way recently is I don't need to convince anyone what the truth is. I KNOW who I am, I KNOW what I did and did not do, and I KNOW what's real. I also know that if someone wants to cut ties with me because they've chosen to believe the narc, without ever asking me for my side of things, well this person isn't a real friend. I have discovered that many more people will give the benefit of the doubt and won't decide I'm the bad guy because of hateful gossip, and in fact this narc has lost friends by spreading rumors about me. And, these friends don't need to hear my side of the story - they just know my character and trust that.
By not needing to convince people who I am, what I did, etc.. I have found so much strength in myself. Letting go of politics (so please don't respond with political stuff), the quote by Michelle Obama is really useful: When they go low, we go high. For me, in my situation, I go high by not joining in or responding to the damage this narc is trying to cause. I go high by being the person who doesn't have to convince every person in our group of who I am and who the other person is. I just embody me, and I let go of needing to be validated by others. And, you know what, I feel very proud of me for this. That's what really counts - how I feel about me at the end of the day.
I loved the part at the end you mentioned about validation... I've always been a bit of a black sheep and confident in doing my own thing without receiving praise or validation from others. my ex gf was on the opposite end of the spectrum where she constantly needed attention, praise, affirmation, validation, sympathy etc. she was such a phony! always putting on some sort of drama to get the reaction she was after. it was always a competition to make herself look better than me. just exhausting and completely toxic to a relationship.
One of the most profound messages I have ever heard/experienced from anyone, therapist, clergy or teacher.
Today it is a painfull day. I thank you dr.C. Your message is rigth on time.
I honestly live for your thumb nails. Please keep up with the good work. Your videos are vital.
Upcoming, I will have 2 different thumbnails that include Gus. That should drive the # of views up! Dr. C
Sometimes it is so helpful to hear someone give voice to the emotions that are sometimes hard to articulate. Just to have my emotions validated is a great comfort and help to my emotional well-being. Thank you, Dr. C!
This was a very emotional video for me, and I could see your emotion too Dr. Carter. It is such a powerful thing to have our experience, our emotions, validated. When you made the compassionate statement "You ache. You hurt. You cry" I burst into tears. That was so sincere and I thank you for that.
I have a dear friend that I've known for over 10 years. She's single, no kids, dated here and there but no serious relationships. I being married twice, 2 kids have a couple of friends, also married and kids, that I've known less time but at one point I was much closer to. With this chapter in my life, I have tried to share with them, and like you said they have well meaning intentions, but just not helpful at all. My single friend has been the most empathetic, most compassionate and loving person with what I'm going through. Definitely unique, given her lack of experience and yet she is the one I lean on the most now.
I cried too, right then. In total relief. Someone UNDERSTANDS. This is tremendous.
I also cried, Dr. Carter really understands what it's like to be tormented and crushed by a narcissist.God bless him.
Mustard Seed - I agree with you. The pain’s been very hard to bare. One day at a time.
Good luck to you!!
@@tammyw.4779 God bless you Tams I hope everything works out for you.Dr.C is on our side so we will only get stronger and wiser ,
if we take his advice.Dr.C has really helped me on my
journey.He is one in a
million, I feel blest to have found him.Thanks again.
Same! This man has a gift!
"Premiered 2 hours ago" and already has 5, 201 views with 821 likes. Yup, this is an awesome channel!
TY Dr. Carter for this video!! It's so nice to hear that there's *someone* out there that *truly* knows there are times when one is just trapped!
Thank you for the calmness and gravitas you expressed over this, there truly are situations where people are trapped and without a way out until the narcissist literally dies. Sounds harsh but it is absolutely true. I very much feel like the entanglement with my elderly mother makes ME feel like I have a terminal illness [and that illness is her]. When people flippantly quip 'no contact!' it is frankly ridiculous since they have no idea what the story is for each of us. Your videos are very helpful to me, thanks again.
OH oh oh such a gentle kind man who understands so much. Thank you for being a part of my journey
Thank you for being very honest and genuine. Your videos have helped me tremendously in understanding what happened to me...what was done to me for 14 years and getting through so much pain that I swear I have never felt in my entire life and one that I would never wish on anyone else, including my spouse and the flying monkeys. My heart is broken and is full of so much pain which sometimes felt like it could've cost me my very existence, but I allowed myself to feel every ounce of it because it's during those times when I was reminded of my strengths.
My life was completely altered and even the person who I was, to the point that I did not recognize the person I saw each time I stood in front of a mirror. But, little by little, through the pain and constantly reminding myself that I am in fact, a good person with a very good heart, I am able to get a glimpse of the old me....the strong me... the ambitious and full of dreams, me...the fun me. You are right. Pain is not my enemy. Instead, pain is there to remind me that I am a human being - a human being with many capabilities and and abilities to turn and help myself become a stronger person.
It has taken me almost a year to get back to the person I was before I began my relationship with my now ex-husband. This process has been brutal, I still have a long recovery ahead of me, but at least I can say that I am in recovery and not where I was two years ago when I didn't have a clue what was happening to me because I didn't know anything about covert narcissists. Now I do. Now I grow. Now I heal.
I’ve been thru all of that with my parents. I was an adult before I could set myself free.
You have such a beautiful Soul! I felt your emotions, very deep within your words! Blessings to you and everyone you want to help! PEACE!!!!
Felt like I shared the same emotional pain in this video. Thank you for not cutting it out. It's so powerful.
Thank you sooo much Dr. Carter! This video came just a the right time, a lot of times people don't understand why I am in this bad relashionshop, the answer is I have nowhere to go just yet because of financial issues so for people like me you are an angel! Listening to your videos help me cope with such an ugly situation. Thanks again may God bless you 🙏
You find so very right words in a moment I feel lonely, sad and bitter.
NO CONTACT.
M. F. Richardson, why do you comment, when you didn't even watch two minutes of the video?
@@launebar5262 I read the drop down. Also, many other's commented, before Dr. Carters, video aired.
Thank you for asking.
@@m.f.richardson1602 The comment section is for commenting the actual video. And you didn't watch it, you just admitted that. In the first two minutes Dr. Carter (who put work and real emotions into that video, and you disrespect him like that) explained, that no contact isn't always an option, and why. You don't wanna help people. Barking "NO CONTACT" helps no one. It's a mild form of victim blaming, in my opinion.
Learn patience. Learn empathy.
@Irish Kelly Not everyone is exactly like you, and not every situation with every narcissist ist like yours. And the question wasn't: "What is the healthiest way?". Of course 'no contact' is, theoretically. Who doubts that for one second?!
Watch the video, listen carefully, try to understand. There are people here, who read the comments for help. Not only for reading about the experiences of other people, and than handing them a trophy for their incredible bravery, to go no contact.
There are people here, who are really thankful for Dr. Carters video, truly thankful for someone, who finally understands. Who watch it with tears in their eyes.
I'm so sick of these screaming "NO CONTACT" people. Do you really think, that everyone, who doesn't do that, is simply dumb or weak? How does this help them?! It makes things worse.
Where is the difference to all that "Leave him\her! Just go!!" people said decades ago, when no one even knew, what narcissistic abuse was? Indirect victim blaming, I say it again. Doesn't help anyone. People in situations, that Dr. Carter describes, who read something like that, feel not understood, or hate themselves for their "weakness". You people make them feel like the narcissist does. Great help, congratulations!
PS: I went no contact with several narcissistic people, before you inevitably ask that. Several! And I am proud of that. But there is one person, where it's extremely difficult - similar to the second example in die video.
@Irish Kelly I was too emotional, okay. But there is absolutely no need for being condescending. Getting emotional from time to time, even getting angry, is human. I wasn't hateful or anything. Anger issues? You don't know me. You and M. F. Richardson didn't watch the video. It was really emotional, and so was my reaction.
And neither of you wanted to help anyone, I stand by that (watch the video and explain to me again, what your comment had to do with it).
I spoke about tears (I'm sad right now about your comment, believe it or not), and you mock me, just because I was a bit too angry.
You don't care. Then why are you commenting at all, under such an important and emotional video? I don't get it.
I would LOVE a coffee mug that said “What About Today” ... perfect advice for moving forward. Thank you Dr. C.
I'm going to get some coffee mugs with that on it. Love it
And then there’s the Avoidant, who blocks, deflects and projects. Continually keeping you in the Punishment phase until you take refuge in that peacefulness.
Then breaks his own no contact to tell you in a roundabout way that you are missed and that his plans (I did say ‘his plans’) for future ventures with you are all still in motion.
Nowhere in the fresh discussion are your schedule, interests, family, needs or wishes taken into consideration or mentioned. No emotion showing towards you.
When your callouses have become thickened from three years of this behaviour, it becomes easier to observe and not absorb ~ but at no time does it feel any better, especially to a compassionate empath 😢
If you don’t avoid all contact your only option seems to be becoming emotionless and pretending by saying ‘how nice’ to everything they tell you because you’ve learned not to trust them anymore.
Isn’t that disingenuous, one would ask.
Play sure, why not 🧚🏽♂️🧚🏾♀️
I am going to put up a sign that says "what about today?" Hopefully that will help me refocus! Thank you Dr C. One day at a time:-)
👍🏻 This video is pure gold! 💗
EXCEPTIONAL DR. C. THE VERY BEST INFO. THE MOST IMPOSSIBLE PEOPLE.
Thank you, Dr. Carter. I needed to hear this as I cannot leave at this time. I practice living each day as peacefully as I can given the circumstances. I realize that I can do nothing to change his behavior so I’ve been working very hard on my own behavior, to uphold my own sense of dignity and try to regain my self worth. It has helped ME feel more in control of my life. Thank you, God bless you, and I wish you and your family a peaceful and blessed Christmas!
My exact words. Yes!
Knowing you can’t leave made me just want to reach out and say someone cares about you, and in this moment I am sending my thoughts to you I hope you feel this warm embrace because YOU ARE WORTHY
Very human moment at 7:15. Thank you for your sincerity and compassion Dr C. Your a voice for the voiceless parts of victims souls.
Dr C. This spoke straight to the core of my heart. Thank you for 'getting it' when so few others truly do. Bless you. Your message is so powerful.
That was an amazing monologue. Dr. Carter's knowledge on the subject is incredible. If you are lucky enough to get out of that situation/relationship, understand that it can be difficult for the people you are close to, to comprehend what you went through. Even your well-meaning therapist. Think of how great it is that you survived. Think of how much you've grown from the experience. Try and stop reliving the past and be more present. As the philosopher Seneca wrote, "we suffer more in imagination, than in reality."
PARAMOUNT delivery Dr. C. You're a TRUE voice of SANITY and REASON in insane and unreasonable circumstances. WE have been BLESSED by finding you and your WISDOM, COMPASSION and UNDERSTANDING.
God Bless you and yours.
after a hot encounter and losing it, after sincerely apologizing, my power is restored to me.
Genuine empathy expressed in this way is costly to the self, my respect to you sir. Excellent practical advice as always, thanks again.
I've been binge watching all of these videos. When he had to momentarily stop talking because his feelings were so intense, I felt such love from him. And this is obviously coming from a place where I feel utterly lost and unloved. So thank you, Dr. Carter from the bottom of my heart!
RIGHT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I could find a therapist who is as enlightened on this subject as you, or I had enough money to afford you. There's so much pain and I am having trouble releasing it.
Beautiful Beautiful Soul..... So grateful for You 🙏
This a wonderful, positive message for this time of year. Thank you, Dr. C.
I love all your advice. I just recently started to remove myself from the narcissist in my life. We have 4 children together and he keeps telling me I will never make it without him. Those words are making me stronger and more motivated to be my own person.