I literally told him "we should go on a date" after years of him text messaging me. He stopped messaging me after that. Asking to go on a date isn't a terrible question to ask. I know my worth. He was stringing me along. Stop putting all your hopes on a person. PUT ALL YOUR HOPES ON YOURSELF.
I had a guy texting me, but never asked me on a date. I asked him several times, and on my initiative we saw each other three times, barely, because he was always "so busy". Finally, I gave up. He texted me for NY to say he had "a really nice time with me", I wrote "thank you, you are nice too". Never heard from him again. And he is over 50! Men are so weird. And they think we are. Sis, let him go! Not worth an effort.
I think men that can play games after the age of 30 is so disheartening. I feel woman are so desperate for comapnship they enable these grown men to play games. You are right biljam972 men are weird, but woman are weirder that we are so desperate we allow their childish behavior. I had a male friend that did not talk to me for three weeks and came back and said "He was so busy". I think that phrase "so busy", is so rude and not flattering in the least. So we are supposed to be chopped liver, because they ARE SO BUSY. They use that term like woman really buy that crap. I have a hard time with these little "white lies". When you are constantly explaining why you did not call, or using LAME immature lines like, "I am so busy", leads me to think you are a white liar. My go two thoughts are. If you tell the truth, you don't have to have a good memory and when someone shows you her they are BELIEVE THEM (a qoute from Maya Angelou), then Oprah through in believe them the FIRST time.
Dumped after 10 yrs. I was devastated. I went straight into no contact. Stayed in no contact. Got on with life. Was very painful. Hes had 4 women in 15 months and just made contact via my dad. Wants me back. He can get lost! Ive moved on. Hope hes now in the same pain he put me thro 15 months ago! Im living a nice life 😊
My wife left me four weeks ago for another man. We were married for twelve years. I pray for the courage and strength you had, to be strong if she ever tries to come back!
@@Timboslice21 Sorry to hear that. My ex (I call him ex because I'm never taking him back) cheated on me. The first time he cheated, I told him I'll forgive you this one time but if you do it again, I'm out. Well he did it again and I "outed" myself immediately. I left when he wasn't around. He's been calling me ever since and begging. I told him never again. So stay strong and don't ever look back. The man she's with will dump her eventually because he knows she can't be trusted.
Sorry to hear that. He'll be back. Because if anything, you've showed him you respect yourself. That's extremely attractive to men. Focus on yourself. And use this lesson to take zero nonsense from the next. Set your boundaries with the next right of the bat. Strike 2 and his out. They will test you (these men 😏) and check them immediately they do. Some guy started showing an interest in me. We've been chatting for 2 months. Then he ghosted me or ignored me for 5 days straight. He's back and he sent a lame message. I haven't responded and I won't respond for about 3 days. There has to be consequences. When I do respond, I'll have that discussion with him and tell him if he does that again he should lose my number. I'm going to have zero tolerance for b.s henceforth.
@@christiansnaturestudio6599 it's not a matter of "wanting to test" really as much as it's essential for safety. If they don't test and it turns out their partner is not cut out, being pregnant etc can become all the more complicated. Integrity will determine if the tests are "passed"
@S. Beccari ok but she blocked me guess I'll be single for life. I just had a nightmare about losing her this morning. Therapy won't help me find a Japanese wife
From personal experience, when you let someone go and later on down the line or close to the time you let them go and move forward in your life. I believe that's is life and the Universe testing you because you promise yourself time to heal and learn from a chapter in your life what ever that maybe. We make that first step into being healed. Then life, the Universe will bring that person back in our lives to test us so we can use those skills we built when they're gone to see if we really have learnt something from it all. I know one day my ex will pop-up in my life again. Who hasn't bumped into an ex unexpectedly? The thing is to remember how far you have come since you last saw or spoke to them. You got through a difficult time with them leading to a break up then the aftermath of the break up. You got through all of that and that makes you strong and brave. When the time comes, you will know what to do even when you never explain it. Trust me. You've be brave and you will continue to be brave.
Are you an atheist? Every time i moved on they never came back nor spoken to me ever again. Sounds heartbreaking and scary of being alone. What if I want to get married still.
@@christiansnaturestudio6599it sounds like you have an issue with having a Japanese girlfriend when you barely dated anyone. You already blocked yourself out of any opportunities even there was any. Sounds like you watched too much of something to have the idea Japanese women are the best
It's an energy exchange, they feel us pull away because the energy is nolonger thinking of them , when we keep thinking of them , they are feeling the energy. So, when we focus our energy back on our own selves and lives , they feel the energy gone and reach out
Consistency, reciprocacy, mutuality are key to a healthy relationship. I've learned that the hard way. Not going to do it without these present anymore.
I feel you on this. Like a nail in the forehead. Pain is one heckuva motivator, ain't it? Stay strong, there is someone else out there waiting for your awesomeness!
They play flakey games, half in-half out, string you along, and then leave. The whole time they are looking for something else. They find it, but the other person or people don’t want them. So they try to come back. You don’t know what you got til it’s gone. If you live in your truth and are genuine, they will never find anyone like you ever again. And that eats them alive.
I've just gone through exactly this. Flakey not really there but sadly I believed their BS as to why. I couldn't let go of the chemistry. So helpful to read this thank you x
@@dextinho9980 Walking away is extremely painful to do. But when they string you along and leave you filled with anxiety day after day, the peace and freedom on the other side is so much better. It takes a really strong person to break the bond. The “I’m putting the brakes on this” message was one that cut her deep, but I couldn’t take anymore. I lost myself, my desires, my hopes, my dreams. Everything was about her toxic family, her depression, her problems, her life. She just walked through my life and trampled around with muddy boots. My body thought the stress response and constant anxiety was normal. It isn’t. It took a good month for my body to recover to a normal state. My body had to detox, it was withdrawing from all those feel good chemicals mixed with stress chemicals. Total mess. When you see red flags early, trust your gut and RUN AWAY.
@timothy8142 yeah spot on here. The anxiety / stress became normal to put up with. Will he won't he turn up? Does he love me or not? He was very intense then went cold. I was all over the place. He would always talk me round but every cancellation (and there were a lot) broke my heart. I'm still hurting now and second guessing myself but I'm proud that I've realised I'm not prepared to accept someone who doesn't treat me how I treat them. It's that simple really. Thanks again Timothy x
@@dextinho9980 You’re welcome. It’s terrible that people do this. The times it happened to me, depression and some narcissism was the underlying issue they had. I’ve had a few reach out years later and admit they went to therapy. It’s important to trust your gut. For me it got to the point where I said “I deserve better than this”. You will know when to walk away. Your body will tell you.
@@timothy8142 im currently going through this and the whole feel good chemicals mixed with the stress chemicals - it’s a whole different level of pain that not a lot of people talk about. Currently a month into the detox, hopefully I’ll be returning to a normal state soon. Never ignoring red flags ever again!
I promised my long distance girl to go on a date and kiss in the rain ehen we meet. I showed her a 3D keychain that i made for her to give her personally, as a symbol of my promise on christmas. Then after valentines day she said she wats to focus on her carreer instead, after 4 and a half years of knowing her, instead. That really makes your bones shiver
‘Dont confuse chemistry with anxiety’ spot on! Sounds like future faking and hoovering to me; it sets you up for being traumabonded and then its very difficult to pull yourself out of this dynamic! thnx for your excellent explanation Matthew!
To all of us who wants to move on to a new chapter of your life. I found block and delete with all kind of communication methods has really helped me to moved on completely! I was doing so well without him, and he came back to stir me up only for the benefit of himself, seeking attention and validation, love and care I provided for him. I am just a comfort zone when he need to step in whenever he wanted. So I cut it off, not anymore, as women, we all strong enough to move on to a happier life. If you are still suffering with him, please let him go completely. ❤
Not the right culture. So true. I need someone open, transparent, humorous, kind, honest, and consistent. Not humourless, secretive, opaque, inconsistent, and possibly dishonest. Well said, Matthew, and thank you so much ! 🎉
Why in the world would the universe test people? That makes absolutely no sense. Lots of ego in the idea of that billions of people and the universe cares at all what any one of us is doing wrong.
@@katmctiernan1the universe/God tests us with karma and repetition of our old negative patterns to see if we can learn the lesson. Once we learn the lesson and break free from toxicity we level up to a new standard and our true dreams/desires get closer to being fulfilled.
I feel bad for the person asking this question. It sounds like she's caught up in this guy's game. It's hard to take a step back and see things logically when you're in it. Cutting off all communication is the best thing to do if she wants more than just temporary oxytocin and dopamine hits from him.
Yes, been there and it sucks and is frustrating as hell. I was caught up with someone like this for a month and I had to end it by blocking him. These kind get you hooked with love bombing, then when you are hooked they start breadcrumbing. Those breadcrumbs are like little hits of a drug. The only way to stop it is to go NC and block.
As a recovering people pleaser, sending that text saying: "I'm not willing to keep going like this. You continue to go AWOL on me" it's one of the most difficult texts to send.
My bf is FA, Im AP, now we r in the 3rd breakup , he is in his 2nd rebound within our 1 yr love. We loved eachother so much. Twice he brokeup for his FA triggers & came back to me after I moved on. 2nd time bcos I didnt msg & shared a word "Every end is a new beginning" (not a hint for him) ,he misunderstood all & started a rebound within a day after that word. But when I msgd him explaining the truth & my love for him (we had a longterm love) he is confused , responded to all msgs caringly, he doesnt like to hurt me now, opens the door to mo msgs, removed all his profiles with that rebound & put his own photo. But still no chat. Now 8 weeks for his rebound, may b still in his relief dating stage. Im in NC now. Im moving on, after suffering a lot. But if he comes back again I will help him to participate to our church online healing meeting & online FA healing course. Then he can b with me till end💍 or move on. Matthew's videos r useful to b wise & move on.
Just this week I received a message out of the blue on Facebook Messenger from my ex of over a year ago (it was a very messy break up) saying how sorry he is and how I ‘was always good enough’ for him. However, his actions spoke otherwise. I blocked his number ages ago so this was his only way of contacting me. Why do people from the past crop up and apologise when you’re just getting over them?! I’m healed enough now though to know not to respond to his message, nor do I want to. It’s too late for him to have access to me again and I’m not repeating that pattern anymore.
Their options have dried up and now they want to drag you down with them, don't let them. People who think the grass is greener are worthless partners anyway.
Yeah I dont know. Better to not generalise. I did that, too after 20 years to my first boyfriend. I felt it and I did it. I felt sorry for my young actions and understood how terrible it had to be for him. It doesnt have to be only bad thing. At least he or she got to some selfreflection but as I said wouldnt generalise.
I believe you shouldn't even try extra to show your worth, because if s/he can't see it now s/he surely can't see it when you're in a relationship. It is not a sustainable method.
I hate that this happens with people that I bond with on such a level of transparency.. shit hurts. Going from knowing someone’s vulnerable personal matters and staying up til 4 talking to them all the time…to just ..nothing. I don’t even know you anymore :(
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
I had one of my worst experiences with a guy. He told me in his defense that he didn't want to hurt me as his excuse. I dated him for awhile, we were going good, but he decided rather than break it off he chose to set me up to catch him in the act of cheating, not just anyone but with my best friend. I got angry, and broke up with him and her. Later he cheated on her, and she came to me to commiserate. I wasn't having it, and told her are you truly surprised, because that is exactly how it started for you. I didn't let her back in. Later on he tried to come back, again the answer was no. It wasn't out of malice, it was due to their duplicity. Giving a second chance, I have done, but they were both malicious.
Thank you, in that instance I was betrayed twice. I can forgive, but I won't forget. Trying to gain trust back for me, that is a hard one. I'm glad that it happened when it did. From then on trust had to be earned. That goes for friends as well. I did it with dignity, but I was furious. With distance and such it has lessened, but the lessons I learned from that are invaluable. Dating is a process, you learn how to put boundaries in, how to communicate and how to connect with people.
If i go through the pain of healing and moving on, i'll not even bother to look back. It's like trying to glue the shards of a broken glass back together. It's a nope!
I have someone who let go of me about 5 months ago. We’re not friends on social media anymore and I went no contact until I recently looked him up out of curiosity to see that he changed his profile photo with just showing his face and wearing my hat that I let him keep (the only thing I’ve ever gave him and it’s not a good looking hat -nothing special…it’s from a manufacturing company). Then I realized he made his profile public to show off his new girl while wearing my merch. Feel like I took a step back by looking him up, because at times I miss him and now I know he’s thinking of me and trying to prove to me his happiness with his new girl. I then saw some posts from his friends with him wearing my hat out in public. I’m going 100% contactless now…trying not to look back.
I’ve been ignoring this persons texts and calls because we just can’t be together. We have feelings but because of their shit we cannot be together. But she’s been incredibly confusing and hot and cold. Anyway, I’ve been hardcore ignoring her and she messaged me “don’t you miss me???” So manipulative, selfish, mean? I mean it’s one thing to say “I’m missing you” but “don’t you miss me” tells me that she’s used to people pining over her and can’t imagine how I am able to stay away from her. I blocked her.
@@tjradmila are you a troll or something? Who in their right mind should meet someone who keeps toying with them? Just cos u did it doesn't mean others want to suffer that crap
i KNEW IT had something to do with the anxiety and distance and not defined situation, thank you i just needed someone to tell me that it is in fact a thing 😂….and you’re right let’s be confident in what we actually want and how that person isn’t the right match for us because they just don’t act like that, our desire is different from reality ❤
Culture...that bit. When I realized what culture I wanted for myself, I completely exed out a guy I was talking to. This guy was exciting (and anxiety-provoking, like Matt says), but once I was fed up with the games and the optimistic excuses I made for his behavior, I asked him what he actually *felt* he said he only cared about his family (which I know was an exaggerated answer). At that point (regardless of if he actually felt that), I realized nothing romantic could continue... he made his bed and I wasn't going to read between the lines anymore. But I was still on the fence about keeping him in my life as a friend (lol). Once I realized that in every other part of my life that I ensured a healthy, supportive, caring, and uplifting culture, I knew he didn't have a place in ANY part of my life. Boy, bye.
This happened to me they before yesterday ! My ex came back after 25 days of no contact and he behaved in a very emotional manner which was completely useless for me now ! I was so much into him for 2 years and he drained my energy , put me down so many times but all I have learnt from this period is to never look back and no more giving him chances ! I was very Bold , confident, and almost rude when he reached out to me on different platforms ! I made him clear through text I am not the same person you met in 2021 jan ! I have changed , and I have realised I deserve someone who values me the way I values him ! I rejected his phatic speech and warned him to stay away from my life ! I am completely single 35 years old , he was the one who dumped me , ghosted me and moved out of the relation one night over call ! Thank you so much Matthew for bringing so much positivity and strength in me to fight with my fears , loneliness and not seeing myself worthy of ! Now I know what I exactly want in my life ! I am slowly healing , moving forward in my life 😇😇♥️💕🥰
If you are having to explain this to someone like they are a five year old, that’s the red flag there itself. But I really appreciate how Matthew is putting it out so clearly in our minds and validating it
I have listened to this particular video about 15 times already today😅😅 My therapist highly recommended it for my “follow up” homework and I think I finally understand it and understand myself a lot better! (20 views later😂) I really needed this; I feel very confident in the decision to cut this person off.
Really good advise. I heard this before and it makes so much sense that it's stress and uncertainty. Wasted years feeling this about someone who I realisd was just someone not that great, and was so disappointed in the end.
Yeah there was this Chinese woman at my college and she was beautiful and sweet until after knowing long enough that she became a totally different person. She's only interested in a business marriage and (she was interested in me a little and trusts me for a year) and yet I'm still single. We argued about it something meaningless like my bad dating track record(I got rejected a lot) and she doesn't respect me as well as being sarcastic towards saying I haven't done anything for her(even though I have dones lots of things when we haven't talk much(outside of my control) and I miss her everyday). I honestly she is the love of my life and the fact she was interested in me(she smiled, giggled and blushed around me). You know, I thought about marrying her real but sadly it never happened by her choice. Guess I'm too ugly for an Asian wife
True, just broke up with an ex and the chances I gave him after he cheated on me is useless and make me feel waste many years of my life to struggle for unworthy man
In the past I always accept when he cameback after cheating multiple times and a month ago before new year eve I decided to break up. Its not worth to accept and forgive your ex to comeback, its not only those cheating that made your hurt, the feeling of unhappiness because we cant trust them is much bigger than the fear of loosing him again. I learned to let go and never accept him this time.
@2:40 "maybe they were pooping" 🤣🤣🤣 Thank you!! Needed that yesterday! Today, I found out that the day I sent him my last message (2 weeks ago) and he ignored it, the same day he liked another woman's duck-faced cleavage-baring selfie :| I can't express how free I feel. I feel happy. My ordeal is over. I no longer have to agonize over him! It's such a relief 🙆
I hear you Matt and what I admire the most is your passion for your work & love for women! A man who truly loves, respect, help, & communicate at such level with women deserves the best of this world and the highest respect. God bless you even more!
Whoa. Amen and hallelujah! I think I finally be able to digest each and every words that you shared here! Finally! After 12 whole years of my life living in stupidity. I’m almost 40. I think time to level up! In every department of my life! Amen! Thank you!
Sad thing is majority of dudes out there arent that noble to think youre great bc you reject them like that. They will go off and hit up easier targets
You may be right. But you only need one guy to be good for it to work out. Good riddance to guys who don’t take women seriously and look at them like targets. Dating is hard for everyone. It’s always hard to find the right person. Even people in relationships for decades may not be happy. We must learn who’s worth keeping around and be brave enough to let go 👍
Matt, you have this way of explaining things in so many different ways, it’s truly incredible. I’ve watched so many of your videos and this one just captured my attention in a different way. It’s kind of hard to explain, but it goes to show how you can be repeating the same sort of message but it’s heard different by different ppl depending where they’re at. What a gift… Ty so very much!! ❤️❤️
Matt I absolutely love your message here, it’s so important for people to focus on moving forward in a positive way and realising their self worth. Respecting ourselves and each other for the lessons we learn is critical to dating.
That anxiety (that she's confusing with chemistry) leads her to overvalue someone, put them on a pedestal, put connection on a pedestal. Whose actions show that they do not respect that value.
Reminds me of a song. Cant fight it from Quintino. You only come and go when you feel like it. Been at it for a while, but you won't commit. This inconsistent love is messin' with my head.
Its insane how well this actually works. After 3 months of me holding on embarrasing myself, i finally let go and a couple days later we are on the right path to a fresh new relationship. You really have to believe yourself that you are done for the chance to draw a line in the sand and start fresh.
Literally I’m sure he watched my stories while pooping 😂 .. I know it’s hard if break up is recent but you will go through it and know your worth ,even if you are single for a while do not lower your standards.. no one deserves a part time lover.. Matthew saying it so intellectually ❤
I appreciate that (perhaps in part because of the way the question was phrased), he didn't go with explicitly "dump him", but he articulated a way to assert our value and assert ourselves (while still leaving freedom to engage with the person in some capacity if desired).
Someone just did that to me and the opening line was : are you mad at me ?! I was not i just didn't care I didn't speak to him for months I deleted his number. And he said he wanted to see me again. You know what I did I just said ok and I blocked him.
sounds like me right now girl!! I don't want to hear anymore lies and BS from his mouth. I want to see ACTION. The disrespect was enough for me, so I deleted his number and he hasn't bothered to message me in weeks.
the answer you formulated towards the end Matt is the same I then said to another inconsistent and unavailable guy, and you know how he used to justify himself? : why are you so complicated? why do you always have to make things complicated ? can't we just see where it goes? 😄
The thing people don't want to hear is that sometimes life, people and relationships just flat out suck. They're often entirely unfair, inexplicable and entirely out of your control. And no one wants to hear this, so they invent explanations and rationalizations and ways around it. This apparently includes convoluted invalidating nonsense, like Matthew, where "we had chemistry" is something we fabricate to cope with this anxiety? Why does this make any sense whatsoever? Are genuine feelings not allowed to coexist with the fact that this person really might not be living up to the standards of contact this client apparently has for a partner? Or is invalidating her experience the only way to make his point? Then there's the thing we genuinely don't know will actually even be true again or not, which is whether we'll ever feel this way with another person. THAT is truly the difficult part, and this has nothing to do with the client's alleged failure to catapult her "culture" at her potential partners. Matthew talks like this is the most difficult thing to do in our adult lives, when in the end I think it's the former question that's a lot more difficult to handle. Admitting that feelings matter more than rational self-centric actions, though, forces us to accept that sometimes things and people may not be within our control, aren't rational and can't be explained.
This is one of the big reasons why I am done with dating! I want someone who wants me when I'm here, not after I leave. This often happens to me when I break off friendships too. An ex-bestfriend messaged me out of the blue on Facebook (out of years of not talking to each other), and personally attacked me about my going to therapy for depression and stress, and saying that I always post negative memes (and so I looked at my Facebook page and told her that I only had one negative post in the last 2 weeks; when I notified my friends and family about a crime watch. Then she goes on to knit-pick at me, trying to figure out why my last workplace would bully me for (that I must have caused it somehow). After almost 4 hours of this back and forth conversation (she was bickering, while I was calmly explaining), I finally told her that she just must not like me very much, or she wouldn't be criticizing me so harshly. And then I told her that I didn't want to be friends anymore, and now all of a sudden she's crying. It's just like, "Well you should have valued our friendship when you still had me. You criticize me and verbally brutalize me, and now you're crying? How ridiculous is that?"
The rediculous part is that you did not delete her on your facebook in the first place. And even more rediculous is the fact that you communicated with her instead of just blocking/deleting her.
I have recently downloaded Reddit and I have seen so many posts from women who need advice on how to meet a man, or help with a relationship they are already in. I give my my 2 cents, but then I always recommend you and Stephan Speaks. I feel that you both give such good advice but you have slightly different approaches, which I love.
Oh my Gosh I would like to make this video my favorite of all, you answered so many things, and I’m so thankful I’d like to watch it again and again to really accept who I am and don’t take or put in a pedestal someone that is nice but is not to be in that position yet
Hi Sir and Thanks for the excellent one -authentic wonderful perspective with words . Tthis guy will come back not because he love you ,he wants to get back with the control and power over you he once enjoyed .He doesn't give a proper closure so that he can reappear anytime if they couldn't find anyone better in the space time or get in touch with you our of curiosity and are lonely , thinking about trying to meet their own selfish needs and not getting a source of attention from somewhere and don't have anyone to get an ego boost or they reach out when the new relationship ended . Thanks Sir and all lukin great .💝 Regards
Ok Matthew, perfectly understood what you are saying but yet, when you deal with toxic personalities, cluster b personalities for example, who indeed manifest that kind of behavior, all that is micromanagement. So I think that, in reality, you can do nothing but leave. A person who doesn't value his own self, won't value you, and all these words won't resonate cause they don't speak this language. :)
I LOVE when you give us scripts as ideas of what to say in response, you always make it so powerful and intentional. Thank you , can’t wait to hear more in future videos.
Ty Matt for your words of encouragement. Love this vid! This is dfntly smthng we need to constantly remind ourselves of. As women sometimes we somehow get caught up in our emotions/feelings & forget about our worth & value. Its smthng I’ve learned throughout my dating experience & now really owning up to it.
When they try coming back they get blocked. I remember a narcissistic ex who tried to trap me into making the worst decision of my life forcing me to walk away for good. 2 years later she reached out when I was in a moment of feeling good she called me on the phone I hung up and blocked her to protect myself and my mental health she really unsettled me for a while and her comingback was no exception. Rinse recycle repeat. Only keep those who show up and are consistent. Not those who are unreliable who cause more harm than good.
I am old school and can't compete with people that use social media to converse and meet people. It just seems like high school games. It also seems so NORMAL to ghost people instead of being man or woman to tell that person why you are not interested. This new way of dating can really mess with peoples self esteem. Thank God I am not on social media, dating apps, nor do I text.
I feel like 2 major things that have been normalized that messed up dating and relationships is access to porn and access to dating apps. It used to be only sketchy people would rent porn on their VHS tapes then go to the ads at the back of the paper looking for sex but now, people do it openly and gloat about it. Everyone wants their "needs met" immediately and there's nothing truly private anymore. It's done the same way someone orders a pizza. No effort needed.
@@coolbreeze5683 Was at a concert and saw four beautiful women with two good looking guys. It was not enough for the two guys, they were constantly looking at their phones. Probably to see if they got a new like from their dating app. You can't win with this lazy social media stuff. You definitely can't compete with porn.. Hence the high percentage of erectile dysfunction.
@@sunnienciso9582 well, people can make themselves attractive on the outside but may not be that great on the inside so I don't really judge people on that. I'm glad I'm not in the dating world anymore and am with a good person now but I can't imagine how horrible it must be for single people still looking.
6:45 excellent points about what chemistry is -and is not. Think it's also about the thrill of the chase, once you get it, it becomes less interesting.
This is what I've been going through for the past few years cuz I keep trying to get away from him and then almost after going through all the hurt and pain when I'm trying to move on he's back again pulling me in.I know this is not what I want cuz he's just stringing me along
Im the one who always write him again...he never writes me first....im an idiot 🥴 he just feeds me in small pieces cause he dont need me. He has mowed on....but I miss him and no one messure him....all you say today 🙏🏻
I feel you and there was this woman who mentions about marriage(when I'm still single sadly) and I don't receive anything from her. She always talk about herself and what she wants only. She never talks about what I want she clearly I want to be in an intimate true relationship with her. I never got what I wanted even with clear cut communication from myself. Being a man is not easy in the dating world.
I've been dating this person for the past month and this is the exact thing I encountered. We have faced the same situation that led to our first misalignment and he stated that he will try harder that convinced me to stay. However, subsequently his words don't match up with his actions, when I addressed it again.. he said it is no longer working out for him, he needs the time and space but he is no longer ready for a relationship.
he doesn't want to be called out for his bad behavior. he wants 'a relationship' with someone who won't contest being treated poorly. please dont waste anymore time with this one. there are better people out there.
@@adugger8406 I agree! The bad behavior we see in people sometimes stems from other people in their lives allowing it. Don't be one of the people who allows it.
Oh my god, you life saver! Thank you so much for such a great video, exactly when I needed it. Dealing with the exact same problem at the moment. I have blocked him but seems hard to get over the whole thing 😭
Hey! I always find so many take aways from your videos. I have two requests: 1. More videos on gaining confidence and self worth and growth. You are great at this… 2. Help around dating after a marriage when you have children. Also infidelity (maybe 3 things haha). Thanks Matthew!!!! You and your team are fantastic ❤
If they cheat, leave. They dont know your worth and it is disrespect to you and the life you have built together. Cheating is multiple poor decisions of disrespect (texting, meeting up with them, touching, kissing, and then the act) and hurt you and if they are okay with hurting you, you shouldnt be with them. And if you forgive them, they most likely to do it again because they see you dont respect yourself enough to leave. But its up to you
This topic is very subjective. So many contributing factors to someone’s behaviour get left out or lost in translation of an email/letter. The first thing I’m advised in therapy (always) is to stop trying to figure out the WHY. You will waste a lot of energy with that. Chemistry is such a slippery slope “emotion”. Age, stage of life, past traumas, relationship style, self esteem, etc.. etc.. can all be contributing factors to why you feel what you feel. If alcohol is involved you can believe you have chemistry with a ceiling fan; so be aware of that. At the end of the day no one can tell you what to do. You make the choice by finally realizing that you no longer want to feel how you feel when not in that persons presence and their lack of giving a s*it about how you feel. I’d advise reading a book, getting into therapy and or starting a hobby. .. You’ll be alright.
Wow Mathew! Your last few sentences about what you know you add as value to a relationship and being clear on that, despite how They May challenge you ;really is a fantastic reminder of what we have to offer
Had a similar experience to this and just felt like he wanted to hook up with me so I just decided to cut him off. Not here for the wishy way, indecisive guy who just confuses me. Definitely not
My ex returned after no contact of 4 weeks, yesterday. We have insane chemistry and he pours his heart out via text. But then, goes right back to no effort and no follow through. Never sets up dates. Never plans anything. 😢
Had a friend, i really wanted to be a close friend, and maybe a potential lover, there was some potentiel, but it was mostly friendship. He was exiting to be with, after we had hung out with groups he would always stick around to hang out with me, and seemed like a friendship was about to start, i Got hooked, trying to get this guy more in my life, me reaching out the most, he always says lets do this lets do that, and said he was exited to do it, i just never really heard from him. I did talk with him about it, it was stressfull for him to reach out to friends. I thought if i kept telling how much i liked him and showed interest he would come out of his Shell. 🤦🏻♀️A year after i finally pushed him away. I’m never doing this again its waste of time and it hurt so much, i seriously thought he was worth it.
about chemistry... i use to date this guy with whom i had crazy chemistry but when we kissed the first time it was weird.... and we realised the chemistry we where feeling is friendship not romantic, we have so much in common but it's not romamtic, and we are good friends now!
Mostly, people punish you with their absence when you do something they don't like. And you're especially prone to this behavior if you parent has treated you the same way during your childhood.
Great video on many different levels- your explanation about the culture of our lives, the self esteem work at the end and how you addressed each part of her letter with insight were all very good things!
If it feels too good to be true, it probably is- especially in the beginning of getting to know each other phase. Chemistry is just feelings and lust getting in the way of a true, soul felt mutual attraction on a deeper level.
The best relationship you can have is the relationship you have with yourself and God. Relationship with other people is just an addition. If you get this then you will be fine and everything will fall into place.Blessings!!!~
This love bombing and pulling away is how people become trauma bonded, it’s the adrenaline hit followed by cortisone then dopamine… rinse repeat…. This is how addiction starts and causes injury …. it literally it stems from childhood trauma and attachment styles. Get out the dating game until you have healed that childhood wound. Pedestals, castles in the sky, chemistry, idealisation all is limerence not love; this is what person does when they have a trauma wound
I'm 59. In a nutshell! I'm not going to start fully investing myself until I'm sure of our status. Women are fragile, and they always push-pull and cause uneasiness. This is what's taking away from a man's certainty of where the relationship is going. First thing I think when she pulls away? ..... talking to other guy! So women, you want your man to step up? Then verbally tell him you are only exclusive to him. He will do and plan everything. We men Been jacked around so much. We have guards up as well
I literally told him "we should go on a date" after years of him text messaging me. He stopped messaging me after that. Asking to go on a date isn't a terrible question to ask. I know my worth. He was stringing me along. Stop putting all your hopes on a person. PUT ALL YOUR HOPES ON YOURSELF.
Amen sista
😂 I love this. I’m going to do it next time.
I had a guy texting me, but never asked me on a date. I asked him several times, and on my initiative we saw each other three times, barely, because he was always "so busy". Finally, I gave up. He texted me for NY to say he had "a really nice time with me", I wrote "thank you, you are nice too". Never heard from him again. And he is over 50! Men are so weird. And they think we are. Sis, let him go! Not worth an effort.
I think men that can play games after the age of 30 is so disheartening. I feel woman are so desperate for comapnship they enable these grown men to play games. You are right biljam972 men are weird, but woman are weirder that we are so desperate we allow their childish behavior. I had a male friend that did not talk to me for three weeks and came back and said "He was so busy". I think that phrase "so busy", is so rude and not flattering in the least. So we are supposed to be chopped liver, because they ARE SO BUSY. They use that term like woman really buy that crap. I have a hard time with these little "white lies". When you are constantly explaining why you did not call, or using LAME immature lines like, "I am so busy", leads me to think you are a white liar. My go two thoughts are. If you tell the truth, you don't have to have a good memory and when someone shows you her they are BELIEVE THEM (a qoute from Maya Angelou), then Oprah through in believe them the FIRST time.
Probably not single
Dumped after 10 yrs. I was devastated. I went straight into no contact. Stayed in no contact. Got on with life. Was very painful. Hes had 4 women in 15 months and just made contact via my dad. Wants me back.
He can get lost! Ive moved on. Hope hes now in the same pain he put me thro 15 months ago! Im living a nice life 😊
My wife left me four weeks ago for another man. We were married for twelve years. I pray for the courage and strength you had, to be strong if she ever tries to come back!
@@Timboslice21
Sorry to hear that. My ex (I call him ex because I'm never taking him back) cheated on me. The first time he cheated, I told him I'll forgive you this one time but if you do it again, I'm out. Well he did it again and I "outed" myself immediately. I left when he wasn't around. He's been calling me ever since and begging. I told him never again.
So stay strong and don't ever look back. The man she's with will dump her eventually because he knows she can't be trusted.
Sorry to hear that.
He'll be back. Because if anything, you've showed him you respect yourself. That's extremely attractive to men.
Focus on yourself. And use this lesson to take zero nonsense from the next. Set your boundaries with the next right of the bat. Strike 2 and his out. They will test you (these men 😏) and check them immediately they do.
Some guy started showing an interest in me. We've been chatting for 2 months. Then he ghosted me or ignored me for 5 days straight. He's back and he sent a lame message. I haven't responded and I won't respond for about 3 days. There has to be consequences. When I do respond, I'll have that discussion with him and tell him if he does that again he should lose my number.
I'm going to have zero tolerance for b.s henceforth.
It's a test. They want to see if they can pick up where they left off like there was a bookmark in your life for them...
Sad reality is not every girl wants to test guys, they just move on and never contact them again like nothing happens. Loneliness is so real
@@christiansnaturestudio6599 it's not a matter of "wanting to test" really as much as it's essential for safety. If they don't test and it turns out their partner is not cut out, being pregnant etc can become all the more complicated. Integrity will determine if the tests are "passed"
@@s.beccari4678 so you're calling me a menace 🤨
@S. Beccari ok but she blocked me guess I'll be single for life. I just had a nightmare about losing her this morning. Therapy won't help me find a Japanese wife
@@s.beccari4678 Let me test you then: What's 9 + 10?
From personal experience, when you let someone go and later on down the line or close to the time you let them go and move forward in your life. I believe that's is life and the Universe testing you because you promise yourself time to heal and learn from a chapter in your life what ever that maybe. We make that first step into being healed. Then life, the Universe will bring that person back in our lives to test us so we can use those skills we built when they're gone to see if we really have learnt something from it all.
I know one day my ex will pop-up in my life again. Who hasn't bumped into an ex unexpectedly? The thing is to remember how far you have come since you last saw or spoke to them. You got through a difficult time with them leading to a break up then the aftermath of the break up. You got through all of that and that makes you strong and brave.
When the time comes, you will know what to do even when you never explain it.
Trust me. You've be brave and you will continue to be brave.
The universe doesn’t test us It response to our subconscious vibration. We are the creators of our reality.
I saw on a comment once: they're your ex for a reason, leave them there. And I couldn't agree more.
Are you an atheist? Every time i moved on they never came back nor spoken to me ever again. Sounds heartbreaking and scary of being alone. What if I want to get married still.
Well me because I never had an ex. Guess I'm still not handsome enough for a Japanese girlfriend/wife
@@christiansnaturestudio6599it sounds like you have an issue with having a Japanese girlfriend when you barely dated anyone. You already blocked yourself out of any opportunities even there was any. Sounds like you watched too much of something to have the idea Japanese women are the best
It's an energy exchange, they feel us pull away because the energy is nolonger thinking of them , when we keep thinking of them , they are feeling the energy. So, when we focus our energy back on our own selves and lives , they feel the energy gone and reach out
Love your explanation
But how is it possible??
Chemistry isn't rare... It's TRUE compatibility that is truly rare.
Consistency, reciprocacy, mutuality are key to a healthy relationship. I've learned that the hard way. Not going to do it without these present anymore.
I read your first sentence and thought "That person has learned the hard way" And then I read the sentence after. Yep.
@@lovetomarket Absolutely. When you learn the hard way, it seems to stick.
I feel you on this. Like a nail in the forehead. Pain is one heckuva motivator, ain't it? Stay strong, there is someone else out there waiting for your awesomeness!
Absolutely!
They play flakey games, half in-half out, string you along, and then leave. The whole time they are looking for something else. They find it, but the other person or people don’t want them.
So they try to come back.
You don’t know what you got til it’s gone. If you live in your truth and are genuine, they will never find anyone like you ever again.
And that eats them alive.
I've just gone through exactly this. Flakey not really there but sadly I believed their BS as to why. I couldn't let go of the chemistry. So helpful to read this thank you x
@@dextinho9980 Walking away is extremely painful to do. But when they string you along and leave you filled with anxiety day after day, the peace and freedom on the other side is so much better.
It takes a really strong person to break the bond. The “I’m putting the brakes on this” message was one that cut her deep, but I couldn’t take anymore. I lost myself, my desires, my hopes, my dreams. Everything was about her toxic family, her depression, her problems, her life. She just walked through my life and trampled around with muddy boots.
My body thought the stress response and constant anxiety was normal. It isn’t. It took a good month for my body to recover to a normal state. My body had to detox, it was withdrawing from all those feel good chemicals mixed with stress chemicals. Total mess.
When you see red flags early, trust your gut and RUN AWAY.
@timothy8142 yeah spot on here. The anxiety / stress became normal to put up with. Will he won't he turn up? Does he love me or not? He was very intense then went cold. I was all over the place. He would always talk me round but every cancellation (and there were a lot) broke my heart.
I'm still hurting now and second guessing myself but I'm proud that I've realised I'm not prepared to accept someone who doesn't treat me how I treat them. It's that simple really.
Thanks again Timothy x
@@dextinho9980 You’re welcome. It’s terrible that people do this. The times it happened to me, depression and some narcissism was the underlying issue they had. I’ve had a few reach out years later and admit they went to therapy.
It’s important to trust your gut. For me it got to the point where I said “I deserve better than this”. You will know when to walk away. Your body will tell you.
@@timothy8142 im currently going through this and the whole feel good chemicals mixed with the stress chemicals - it’s a whole different level of pain that not a lot of people talk about. Currently a month into the detox, hopefully I’ll be returning to a normal state soon. Never ignoring red flags ever again!
Honestly, When he comes back or text, silence is my answer. I can’t be bothered.
Exes will contact you for an ego boost, it is best to ignore them.
Being a man of your word is an attractive trait. Don't make promises you can't keep.
Highly attractive
I promised my long distance girl to go on a date and kiss in the rain ehen we meet. I showed her a 3D keychain that i made for her to give her personally, as a symbol of my promise on christmas. Then after valentines day she said she wats to focus on her carreer instead, after 4 and a half years of knowing her, instead.
That really makes your bones shiver
‘Dont confuse chemistry with anxiety’ spot on! Sounds like future faking and hoovering to me; it sets you up for being traumabonded and then its very difficult to pull yourself out of this dynamic! thnx for your excellent explanation Matthew!
To all of us who wants to move on to a new chapter of your life. I found block and delete with all kind of communication methods has really helped me to moved on completely! I was doing so well without him, and he came back to stir me up only for the benefit of himself, seeking attention and validation, love and care I provided for him. I am just a comfort zone when he need to step in whenever he wanted. So I cut it off, not anymore, as women, we all strong enough to move on to a happier life. If you are still suffering with him, please let him go completely. ❤
Not the right culture. So true. I need someone open, transparent, humorous, kind, honest, and consistent. Not humourless, secretive, opaque, inconsistent, and possibly dishonest. Well said, Matthew, and thank you so much ! 🎉
Ex used to get uncomfortable when I laughed. Strange.
The universe is testing you whether you learned your lesson or not , I believe that ✅
Why in the world would the universe test people? That makes absolutely no sense. Lots of ego in the idea of that billions of people and the universe cares at all what any one of us is doing wrong.
@@katmctiernan1the universe/God tests us with karma and repetition of our old negative patterns to see if we can learn the lesson. Once we learn the lesson and break free from toxicity we level up to a new standard and our true dreams/desires get closer to being fulfilled.
I feel bad for the person asking this question. It sounds like she's caught up in this guy's game. It's hard to take a step back and see things logically when you're in it. Cutting off all communication is the best thing to do if she wants more than just temporary oxytocin and dopamine hits from him.
Yes, been there and it sucks and is frustrating as hell. I was caught up with someone like this for a month and I had to end it by blocking him. These kind get you hooked with love bombing, then when you are hooked they start breadcrumbing. Those breadcrumbs are like little hits of a drug. The only way to stop it is to go NC and block.
As a recovering people pleaser, sending that text saying: "I'm not willing to keep going like this. You continue to go AWOL on me" it's one of the most difficult texts to send.
On the same boat. But we are learning
He just came back last night after 16 months! This video couldn’t have come at a better time
What’s his excuse for 16 months?
Mine too. Yesterday. After 6 months
@@celiohelder1 please up date us on what happened
@@sabinasb2445 please update us on what happened
Mine came back this week after the same amount of time! I never responded.
This is intermittent reinforcement. Incredibly addictive. Usually a fearful avoidant and anxious preoccupied pairing.
Or a FA and a narcissist
@@cyndijohnson5473 we're all narcissists that word is so misleading
My bf is FA, Im AP, now we r in the 3rd breakup , he is in his 2nd rebound within our 1 yr love. We loved eachother so much. Twice he brokeup for his FA triggers & came back to me after I moved on. 2nd time bcos I didnt msg & shared a word "Every end is a new beginning" (not a hint for him) ,he misunderstood all & started a rebound within a day after that word. But when I msgd him explaining the truth & my love for him (we had a longterm love) he is confused , responded to all msgs caringly, he doesnt like to hurt me now, opens the door to mo msgs, removed all his profiles with that rebound & put his own photo. But still no chat. Now 8 weeks for his rebound, may b still in his relief dating stage. Im in NC now. Im moving on, after suffering a lot. But if he comes back again I will help him to participate to our church online healing meeting & online FA healing course. Then he can b with me till end💍 or move on. Matthew's videos r useful to b wise & move on.
Just this week I received a message out of the blue on Facebook Messenger from my ex of over a year ago (it was a very messy break up) saying how sorry he is and how I ‘was always good enough’ for him. However, his actions spoke otherwise. I blocked his number ages ago so this was his only way of contacting me. Why do people from the past crop up and apologise when you’re just getting over them?! I’m healed enough now though to know not to respond to his message, nor do I want to. It’s too late for him to have access to me again and I’m not repeating that pattern anymore.
They do it because they think the grass is greener on the other side. Then realize it isn'''t.
Their options have dried up and now they want to drag you down with them, don't let them. People who think the grass is greener are worthless partners anyway.
Similar experience here. He thought he could do better then realized he can't. Dump his a$$!
Yeah I dont know. Better to not generalise. I did that, too after 20 years to my first boyfriend. I felt it and I did it. I felt sorry for my young actions and understood how terrible it had to be for him. It doesnt have to be only bad thing. At least he or she got to some selfreflection but as I said wouldnt generalise.
I believe you shouldn't even try extra to show your worth, because if s/he can't see it now s/he surely can't see it when you're in a relationship. It is not a sustainable method.
I hate that this happens with people that I bond with on such a level of transparency.. shit hurts. Going from knowing someone’s vulnerable personal matters and staying up til 4 talking to them all the time…to just ..nothing. I don’t even know you anymore :(
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
@Chris Young Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
@Chris Young Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
@@peterwilliams6361how are things now?
I had one of my worst experiences with a guy. He told me in his defense that he didn't want to hurt me as his excuse. I dated him for awhile, we were going good, but he decided rather than break it off he chose to set me up to catch him in the act of cheating, not just anyone but with my best friend. I got angry, and broke up with him and her. Later he cheated on her, and she came to me to commiserate. I wasn't having it, and told her are you truly surprised, because that is exactly how it started for you. I didn't let her back in. Later on he tried to come back, again the answer was no. It wasn't out of malice, it was due to their duplicity. Giving a second chance, I have done, but they were both malicious.
Thank you, in that instance I was betrayed twice. I can forgive, but I won't forget. Trying to gain trust back for me, that is a hard one. I'm glad that it happened when it did. From then on trust had to be earned. That goes for friends as well. I did it with dignity, but I was furious. With distance and such it has lessened, but the lessons I learned from that are invaluable. Dating is a process, you learn how to put boundaries in, how to communicate and how to connect with people.
Because they want to break your heart so that you can't move on and then leave you again
If i go through the pain of healing and moving on, i'll not even bother to look back. It's like trying to glue the shards of a broken glass back together. It's a nope!
I have someone who let go of me about 5 months ago. We’re not friends on social media anymore and I went no contact until I recently looked him up out of curiosity to see that he changed his profile photo with just showing his face and wearing my hat that I let him keep (the only thing I’ve ever gave him and it’s not a good looking hat -nothing special…it’s from a manufacturing company). Then I realized he made his profile public to show off his new girl while wearing my merch. Feel like I took a step back by looking him up, because at times I miss him and now I know he’s thinking of me and trying to prove to me his happiness with his new girl. I then saw some posts from his friends with him wearing my hat out in public. I’m going 100% contactless now…trying not to look back.
I’ve been ignoring this persons texts and calls because we just can’t be together. We have feelings but because of their shit we cannot be together. But she’s been incredibly confusing and hot and cold. Anyway, I’ve been hardcore ignoring her and she messaged me “don’t you miss me???” So manipulative, selfish, mean? I mean it’s one thing to say “I’m missing you” but “don’t you miss me” tells me that she’s used to people pining over her and can’t imagine how I am able to stay away from her. I blocked her.
@@tjradmila are you a troll or something? Who in their right mind should meet someone who keeps toying with them? Just cos u did it doesn't mean others want to suffer that crap
i KNEW IT had something to do with the anxiety and distance and not defined situation, thank you i just needed someone to tell me that it is in fact a thing 😂….and you’re right let’s be confident in what we actually want and how that person isn’t the right match for us because they just don’t act like that, our desire is different from reality ❤
Mr Hussey, thanks for helping women protect themselves in relationships!!!
Culture...that bit. When I realized what culture I wanted for myself, I completely exed out a guy I was talking to. This guy was exciting (and anxiety-provoking, like Matt says), but once I was fed up with the games and the optimistic excuses I made for his behavior, I asked him what he actually *felt* he said he only cared about his family (which I know was an exaggerated answer). At that point (regardless of if he actually felt that), I realized nothing romantic could continue... he made his bed and I wasn't going to read between the lines anymore. But I was still on the fence about keeping him in my life as a friend (lol). Once I realized that in every other part of my life that I ensured a healthy, supportive, caring, and uplifting culture, I knew he didn't have a place in ANY part of my life. Boy, bye.
This happened to me they before yesterday ! My ex came back after 25 days of no contact and he behaved in a very emotional manner which was completely useless for me now ! I was so much into him for 2 years and he drained my energy , put me down so many times but all I have learnt from this period is to never look back and no more giving him chances ! I was very Bold , confident, and almost rude when he reached out to me on different platforms ! I made him clear through text I am not the same person you met in 2021 jan ! I have changed , and I have realised I deserve someone who values me the way I values him ! I rejected his phatic speech and warned him to stay away from my life ! I am completely single 35 years old , he was the one who dumped me , ghosted me and moved out of the relation one night over call !
Thank you so much Matthew for bringing so much positivity and strength in me to fight with my fears , loneliness and not seeing myself worthy of !
Now I know what I exactly want in my life ! I am slowly healing , moving forward in my life 😇😇♥️💕🥰
He tried to use you to get over you. Well done.
If you are having to explain this to someone like they are a five year old, that’s the red flag there itself. But I really appreciate how Matthew is putting it out so clearly in our minds and validating it
I have listened to this particular video about 15 times already today😅😅
My therapist highly recommended it for my “follow up” homework and I think I finally understand it and understand myself a lot better! (20 views later😂)
I really needed this; I feel very confident in the decision to cut this person off.
Really good advise. I heard this before and it makes so much sense that it's stress and uncertainty. Wasted years feeling this about someone who I realisd was just someone not that great, and was so disappointed in the end.
Yeah there was this Chinese woman at my college and she was beautiful and sweet until after knowing long enough that she became a totally different person. She's only interested in a business marriage and (she was interested in me a little and trusts me for a year) and yet I'm still single. We argued about it something meaningless like my bad dating track record(I got rejected a lot) and she doesn't respect me as well as being sarcastic towards saying I haven't done anything for her(even though I have dones lots of things when we haven't talk much(outside of my control) and I miss her everyday). I honestly she is the love of my life and the fact she was interested in me(she smiled, giggled and blushed around me). You know, I thought about marrying her real but sadly it never happened by her choice. Guess I'm too ugly for an Asian wife
True, just broke up with an ex and the chances I gave him after he cheated on me is useless and make me feel waste many years of my life to struggle for unworthy man
In the past I always accept when he cameback after cheating multiple times and a month ago before new year eve I decided to break up. Its not worth to accept and forgive your ex to comeback, its not only those cheating that made your hurt, the feeling of unhappiness because we cant trust them is much bigger than the fear of loosing him again. I learned to let go and never accept him this time.
Timing of this is just funny. Thank you Universe! Blocked her and moving on!
@2:40 "maybe they were pooping" 🤣🤣🤣 Thank you!! Needed that yesterday!
Today, I found out that the day I sent him my last message (2 weeks ago) and he ignored it, the same day he liked another woman's duck-faced cleavage-baring selfie :|
I can't express how free I feel. I feel happy. My ordeal is over. I no longer have to agonize over him! It's such a relief 🙆
I hear you Matt and what I admire the most is your passion for your work & love for women! A man who truly loves, respect, help, & communicate at such level with women deserves the best of this world and the highest respect. God bless you even more!
Whoa. Amen and hallelujah!
I think I finally be able to digest each and every words that you shared here! Finally! After 12 whole years of my life living in stupidity. I’m almost 40. I think time to level up! In every department of my life! Amen! Thank you!
Sad thing is majority of dudes out there arent that noble to think youre great bc you reject them like that. They will go off and hit up easier targets
You may be right. But you only need one guy to be good for it to work out. Good riddance to guys who don’t take women seriously and look at them like targets. Dating is hard for everyone. It’s always hard to find the right person. Even people in relationships for decades may not be happy. We must learn who’s worth keeping around and be brave enough to let go 👍
No one wants to be rejected, i don't go where i am not wanted.
Ex needed big big money, blew us up and ran.
Matt, you have this way of explaining things in so many different ways, it’s truly incredible. I’ve watched so many of your videos and this one just captured my attention in a different way. It’s kind of hard to explain, but it goes to show how you can be repeating the same sort of message but it’s heard different by different ppl depending where they’re at. What a gift… Ty so very much!! ❤️❤️
Well said. Taking your “culture” seriously hit home for me. 💯
Yeah! He's awesome! 🥰
I like your comment, can feel the good energy 🥰
@@simmyz thank you ❤️🙏
Matt I absolutely love your message here, it’s so important for people to focus on moving forward in a positive way and realising their self worth. Respecting ourselves and each other for the lessons we learn is critical to dating.
That’s no second thought for this situation. Answer is Access DENIED
That anxiety (that she's confusing with chemistry)
leads her to overvalue someone, put them on a pedestal, put connection on a pedestal.
Whose actions show that they do not respect that value.
I like that phrase...Patterns need a dance partner...
Reminds me of a song.
Cant fight it from Quintino.
You only come and go when you feel like it.
Been at it for a while, but you won't commit.
This inconsistent love is messin' with my head.
Amazing explanation on the fact that this positive "tension" cannot last forever.
Its insane how well this actually works. After 3 months of me holding on embarrasing myself, i finally let go and a couple days later we are on the right path to a fresh new relationship. You really have to believe yourself that you are done for the chance to draw a line in the sand and start fresh.
Literally I’m sure he watched my stories while pooping 😂 .. I know it’s hard if break up is recent but you will go through it and know your worth ,even if you are single for a while do not lower your standards.. no one deserves a part time lover.. Matthew saying it so intellectually ❤
I appreciate that (perhaps in part because of the way the question was phrased), he didn't go with explicitly "dump him", but he articulated a way to assert our value and assert ourselves (while still leaving freedom to engage with the person in some capacity if desired).
This is why I have friends, to tell me I can do better than I have done with people who breadcrumb. I blocked him on Nye and left him in 2022. 😅
" no one will take me serious, of o don't take myself serious."
Someone just did that to me and the opening line was : are you mad at me ?! I was not i just didn't care I didn't speak to him for months I deleted his number. And he said he wanted to see me again. You know what I did I just said ok and I blocked him.
sounds like me right now girl!! I don't want to hear anymore lies and BS from his mouth. I want to see ACTION. The disrespect was enough for me, so I deleted his number and he hasn't bothered to message me in weeks.
They just wana check they still have the power
the answer you formulated towards the end Matt is the same I then said to another inconsistent and unavailable guy, and you know how he used to justify himself? : why are you so complicated? why do you always have to make things complicated ? can't we just see where it goes? 😄
breadcrumbing at its finest..
The thing people don't want to hear is that sometimes life, people and relationships just flat out suck. They're often entirely unfair, inexplicable and entirely out of your control.
And no one wants to hear this, so they invent explanations and rationalizations and ways around it. This apparently includes convoluted invalidating nonsense, like Matthew, where "we had chemistry" is something we fabricate to cope with this anxiety? Why does this make any sense whatsoever? Are genuine feelings not allowed to coexist with the fact that this person really might not be living up to the standards of contact this client apparently has for a partner? Or is invalidating her experience the only way to make his point?
Then there's the thing we genuinely don't know will actually even be true again or not, which is whether we'll ever feel this way with another person. THAT is truly the difficult part, and this has nothing to do with the client's alleged failure to catapult her "culture" at her potential partners. Matthew talks like this is the most difficult thing to do in our adult lives, when in the end I think it's the former question that's a lot more difficult to handle. Admitting that feelings matter more than rational self-centric actions, though, forces us to accept that sometimes things and people may not be within our control, aren't rational and can't be explained.
This is one of the big reasons why I am done with dating! I want someone who wants me when I'm here, not after I leave. This often happens to me when I break off friendships too. An ex-bestfriend messaged me out of the blue on Facebook (out of years of not talking to each other), and personally attacked me about my going to therapy for depression and stress, and saying that I always post negative memes (and so I looked at my Facebook page and told her that I only had one negative post in the last 2 weeks; when I notified my friends and family about a crime watch. Then she goes on to knit-pick at me, trying to figure out why my last workplace would bully me for (that I must have caused it somehow). After almost 4 hours of this back and forth conversation (she was bickering, while I was calmly explaining), I finally told her that she just must not like me very much, or she wouldn't be criticizing me so harshly. And then I told her that I didn't want to be friends anymore, and now all of a sudden she's crying. It's just like, "Well you should have valued our friendship when you still had me. You criticize me and verbally brutalize me, and now you're crying? How ridiculous is that?"
The rediculous part is that you did not delete her on your facebook in the first place. And even more rediculous is the fact that you communicated with her instead of just blocking/deleting her.
Your ex friend. Hmm why you have had this friend still as a friend on fb if no longer friends?
OMG so true… it‘s like haunting a fairytale! Thank u so much for this eye-opener😊 Kind regards from Germany
Glad you enjoyed it!
@@thematthewhussey Wish you could do a segment on non traditional couples. Your philosophy is way to predicated on hetero scenarios. Just n'y 2 cents.
I have recently downloaded Reddit and I have seen so many posts from women who need advice on how to meet a man, or help with a relationship they are already in. I give my my 2 cents, but then I always recommend you and Stephan Speaks. I feel that you both give such good advice but you have slightly different approaches, which I love.
Oh my Gosh I would like to make this video my favorite of all, you answered so many things, and I’m so thankful I’d like to watch it again and again to really accept who I am and don’t take or put in a pedestal someone that is nice but is not to be in that position yet
Hi Sir and Thanks for the excellent one -authentic wonderful perspective with words . Tthis guy will come back not because he love you ,he wants to get back with the control and power over you he once enjoyed .He doesn't give a proper closure so that he can reappear anytime if they couldn't find anyone better in the space time or get in touch with you our of curiosity and are lonely , thinking about trying to meet their own selfish needs and not getting a source of attention from somewhere and don't have anyone to get an ego boost or they reach out when the new relationship ended . Thanks Sir and all lukin great .💝 Regards
Ok Matthew, perfectly understood what you are saying but yet, when you deal with toxic personalities, cluster b personalities for example, who indeed manifest that kind of behavior, all that is micromanagement. So I think that, in reality, you can do nothing but leave. A person who doesn't value his own self, won't value you, and all these words won't resonate cause they don't speak this language. :)
Can you be my daughter's English teacher please
Agree
I LOVE when you give us scripts as ideas of what to say in response, you always make it so powerful and intentional. Thank you , can’t wait to hear more in future videos.
Perfect timing Mat ❤ exact my situation🙂
Ty Matt for your words of encouragement. Love this vid! This is dfntly smthng we need to constantly remind ourselves of. As women sometimes we somehow get caught up in our emotions/feelings & forget about our worth & value. Its smthng I’ve learned throughout my dating experience & now really owning up to it.
When they try coming back they get blocked. I remember a narcissistic ex who tried to trap me into making the worst decision of my life forcing me to walk away for good. 2 years later she reached out when I was in a moment of feeling good she called me on the phone I hung up and blocked her to protect myself and my mental health she really unsettled me for a while and her comingback was no exception. Rinse recycle repeat. Only keep those who show up and are consistent. Not those who are unreliable who cause more harm than good.
Matt, I've followed you for years now, and I have to say- this is your best video by far! :)
Wow, thanks!
Everything I’ve learned over the years all summed up in one kind compassionate truth-speaking affirmation! Brilliant! Tysm!
JUST SAY NO to Future Faking! 🚫
I am old school and can't compete with people that use social media to converse and meet people. It just seems like high school games. It also seems so NORMAL to ghost people instead of being man or woman to tell that person why you are not interested. This new way of dating can really mess with peoples self esteem. Thank God I am not on social media, dating apps, nor do I text.
I feel like 2 major things that have been normalized that messed up dating and relationships is access to porn and access to dating apps. It used to be only sketchy people would rent porn on their VHS tapes then go to the ads at the back of the paper looking for sex but now, people do it openly and gloat about it. Everyone wants their "needs met" immediately and there's nothing truly private anymore. It's done the same way someone orders a pizza. No effort needed.
@@coolbreeze5683 Was at a concert and saw four beautiful women with two good looking guys. It was not enough for the two guys, they were constantly looking at their phones. Probably to see if they got a new like from their dating app. You can't win with this lazy social media stuff. You definitely can't compete with porn.. Hence the high percentage of erectile dysfunction.
@@sunnienciso9582 well, people can make themselves attractive on the outside but may not be that great on the inside so I don't really judge people on that. I'm glad I'm not in the dating world anymore and am with a good person now but I can't imagine how horrible it must be for single people still looking.
@@coolbreeze5683 It is crazy!!!!!
Exactly why I don’t use dating apps, nor am I a fan of social media really. Nothing is authentic about it.
6:45 excellent points about what chemistry is -and is not. Think it's also about the thrill of the chase, once you get it, it becomes less interesting.
They see you as a possession, and not even a valuable one. Like a kid wanting the red crayon just because is brother is using it.
You are a gem... still helping me years later after I first listened. Thank you so much.❤
This is what I've been going through for the past few years cuz I keep trying to get away from him and then almost after going through all the hurt and pain when I'm trying to move on he's back again pulling me in.I know this is not what I want cuz he's just stringing me along
Im the one who always write him again...he never writes me first....im an idiot 🥴 he just feeds me in small pieces cause he dont need me. He has mowed on....but I miss him and no one messure him....all you say today 🙏🏻
I feel you and there was this woman who mentions about marriage(when I'm still single sadly) and I don't receive anything from her. She always talk about herself and what she wants only. She never talks about what I want she clearly I want to be in an intimate true relationship with her. I never got what I wanted even with clear cut communication from myself. Being a man is not easy in the dating world.
He texted and I rushed here to Matthew's video so that I don't regret again 😅
I know that I bring enormous value to the table.
I've been dating this person for the past month and this is the exact thing I encountered. We have faced the same situation that led to our first misalignment and he stated that he will try harder that convinced me to stay. However, subsequently his words don't match up with his actions, when I addressed it again.. he said it is no longer working out for him, he needs the time and space but he is no longer ready for a relationship.
he doesn't want to be called out for his bad behavior. he wants 'a relationship' with someone who won't contest being treated poorly. please dont waste anymore time with this one. there are better people out there.
I really don't know him but he sounds like he's not worth the headache tbh. Let him go.
@@adugger8406 I agree! The bad behavior we see in people sometimes stems from other people in their lives allowing it. Don't be one of the people who allows it.
SAME!!
thank you guys for all the reminders
Oh my god, you life saver! Thank you so much for such a great video, exactly when I needed it. Dealing with the exact same problem at the moment. I have blocked him but seems hard to get over the whole thing 😭
Just ignore them. Don’t let them come back. Games are for kids.
Hey! I always find so many take aways from your videos.
I have two requests:
1. More videos on gaining confidence and self worth and growth. You are great at this…
2. Help around dating after a marriage when you have children. Also infidelity (maybe 3 things haha).
Thanks Matthew!!!! You and your team are fantastic ❤
If they cheat, leave. They dont know your worth and it is disrespect to you and the life you have built together. Cheating is multiple poor decisions of disrespect (texting, meeting up with them, touching, kissing, and then the act) and hurt you and if they are okay with hurting you, you shouldnt be with them. And if you forgive them, they most likely to do it again because they see you dont respect yourself enough to leave. But its up to you
This topic is very subjective. So many contributing factors to someone’s behaviour get left out or lost in translation of an email/letter.
The first thing I’m advised in therapy (always) is to stop trying to figure out the WHY. You will waste a lot of energy with that.
Chemistry is such a slippery slope “emotion”. Age, stage of life, past traumas, relationship style, self esteem, etc.. etc.. can all be contributing factors to why you feel what you feel. If alcohol is involved you can believe you have chemistry with a ceiling fan; so be aware of that.
At the end of the day no one can tell you what to do.
You make the choice by finally realizing that you no longer want to feel how you feel when not in that persons presence and their lack of giving a s*it about how you feel.
I’d advise reading a book, getting into therapy and or starting a hobby. .. You’ll be alright.
Wow Mathew! Your last few sentences about what you know you add as value to a relationship and being clear on that, despite how
They May challenge you ;really is a fantastic reminder of what we have to offer
Thanks Matthew for the exact words I needed to hear right now!
Had a similar experience to this and just felt like he wanted to hook up with me so I just decided to cut him off. Not here for the wishy way, indecisive guy who just confuses me. Definitely not
My ex returned after no contact of 4 weeks, yesterday. We have insane chemistry and he pours his heart out via text. But then, goes right back to no effort and no follow through. Never sets up dates. Never plans anything. 😢
You said everything that’s going on to a t. Thank you for your commitment to creating such insightful videos, Matthew!
"Another possible explanation, They. Were. Pooping." Dying 😂🤣😂💩 So true!
Had a friend, i really wanted to be a close friend, and maybe a potential lover, there was some potentiel, but it was mostly friendship. He was exiting to be with, after we had hung out with groups he would always stick around to hang out with me, and seemed like a friendship was about to start, i Got hooked, trying to get this guy more in my life, me reaching out the most, he always says lets do this lets do that, and said he was exited to do it, i just never really heard from him. I did talk with him about it, it was stressfull for him to reach out to friends. I thought if i kept telling how much i liked him and showed interest he would come out of his Shell. 🤦🏻♀️A year after i finally pushed him away. I’m never doing this again its waste of time and it hurt so much, i seriously thought he was worth it.
about chemistry... i use to date this guy with whom i had crazy chemistry but when we kissed the first time it was weird.... and we realised the chemistry we where feeling is friendship not romantic, we have so much in common but it's not romamtic, and we are good friends now!
WOW, thank you so much. Now I know, that most of the great chemistry was just second guessing and anxiety about not being good enough.
Mostly, people punish you with their absence when you do something they don't like. And you're especially prone to this behavior if you parent has treated you the same way during your childhood.
💯💯💯
Ex texted phony photos of his son and ran when questioned. Sleazy.
@@debmccafferty1007 phony photos of his son? Tell me the whole story.
Because they think your weak and a push over. That you haven't learned. Funny for them I have. I stay away and keep my distance.
Great video on many different levels- your explanation about the culture of our lives, the self esteem work at the end and how you addressed each part of her letter with insight were all very good things!
Somebody was preaching in this video! 🔥
Yes! Culture, values & vision. In an org or life. Totally resonated with that. Awesome way of explaining it. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
If it feels too good to be true, it probably is- especially in the beginning of getting to know each other phase. Chemistry is just feelings and lust getting in the way of a true, soul felt mutual attraction on a deeper level.
The best relationship you can have is the relationship you have with yourself and God. Relationship with other people is just an addition. If you get this then you will be fine and everything will fall into place.Blessings!!!~
This love bombing and pulling away is how people become trauma bonded, it’s the adrenaline hit followed by cortisone then dopamine… rinse repeat…. This is how addiction starts and causes injury …. it literally it stems from childhood trauma and attachment styles. Get out the dating game until you have healed that childhood wound.
Pedestals, castles in the sky, chemistry, idealisation all is limerence not love; this is what person does when they have a trauma wound
I'm 59. In a nutshell! I'm not going to start fully investing myself until I'm sure of our status. Women are fragile, and they always push-pull and cause uneasiness. This is what's taking away from a man's certainty of where the relationship is going. First thing I think when she pulls away? ..... talking to other guy! So women, you want your man to step up? Then verbally tell him you are only exclusive to him. He will do and plan everything. We men Been jacked around so much. We have guards up as well
what a beautiful new conceptual lens of culture to apply to our choices❤ these are self-love essentials wonderfully spelled out , thank you ❤