How to Have the 'What Are We' Conversation with the Fearful Avoidant
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- Опубликовано: 10 сен 2024
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In this video, I talk about how to have the sometimes awkward conversation to define the nature of your relationship with the Fearful Avoidant. Enjoy!
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Thank you for watching!
As a FA myself, I can say this video is very very accurate and to the point. Here are some additional tips that may help you have this conversation with your FA partner -
1. FAs are best when you have their trust/ comfort before beginning the conversation. It wont be the best time to have this conversation if FAs are visibly stressed or are triggered (as for any attachment style).
Since you'll be having this convo in dating phase, understand that your FA partner does not trust you fully yet (as they want you to earn their trust with time, words and actions). Make them feel comfortable in your company by showing that you appreciate them, opening up to them about your vulnerabilities and share things about your personality something like - "Hey, I hope you know how much I love being with you and it really makes me feel quite happy about us" OR "I'm having a lovely time with you and hope to learn more about you and your likings with time".
2. Have an open body language. As FAs, we're very vigilant about every movement of your body so a stern body language (like closed arms, sitting on another corner of a big sofa, stiff posture etc) may not come across as comfortable or authentic to us. Have a comfortable position close to your partner where your bodies are touching like you can put your arms around them or hold their hand. Keep a comfortable eye contact during conversation.
3. Show curiosity in your language instead of fear. For example - Instead of saying "I'm not sure about our relationship" or "I'm worried that we're not moving ahead", say it like "I was wondering what do you think about moving ahead in the relationship" OR "how do you feel about moving our relationship to the next level where we are a bit more committed to each other" Or even "I feel excited about us moving to the next stage and I'd like to be more exclusive but I wanted to understand how you feel about that".
4. Give them time and if needed, space and be open about waiting for an answer. FAs can be very people pleasing in romantic relationship so if you ask them for a quick answer, they may say yes for the moment without thinking about what it means for them completely and then retract back later when they're feeling triggered. A bit of understanding would go a long way for both of you here.
Most importantly, note that if your partner is not showing up for you and not working towards becoming more secure over time, you have the responsibility to show up for your needs and standards and if required, leave the relationship.
Lots of love and healing x
thanks for sharing some light! love from Mexico!
I'm also FA and couldn't have said this better myself!
@@jokai.oficial sending love and healing back from UK ❤️
@@smileyface702 😊❤️
I’m struggling with this a lot. Thank you for describing it so well
To anyone thinking about enrolling in her course❤️ it’s life changing🌟
I can confirm this! Absolutely love it and life changing in the best way possible💜
Do it❤️
Thanks for the shout out Kaleigh!
-PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool She deserves it! So much hard work, so incredibly helpful, I share her youtube channel with everyone. It honestly made me have a new lease on life when I felt like giving up❤️
@@Canadianforestfairy wow that's fantastic to hear. So happy for you Kaleigh. These types of comments are what drives Thais and all the staff at PDS! Thank you for sharing :)
"If someone wants to work through their fears and show up, then they will." This was really helpful, thank you!
Intro ends at 1:10
Hit the nail on the head with the trust wound and fear of commitment which then symbolizes that something can be broken.
Unfortunately, for the true fearful-avoidant that is a difficult conversation because I don't think they know. Sometimes I wonder if they truly know who "they" are.😢
Well said they don't really know what they want
This came a day late for me. Had this conversation with my FA ex...sort of girlfriend lol. It was super hard (I’m anxious preoccupied) to but finally being able for both of us to be crystal clear about what we need felt so good and I don’t feel abandoned like I was so worried I would be.
Just wanted you to know that this video helped me a lot in being courageous enough to navigate through this conversation. Thanks !
You have helped me so much! As a divorced FA, I finally understand my self more and what a healthy relationship actually looks like & how to work through that subconscious programming. Thank you! You are changing lives.
Thank you for your kind and sweet message. So good to hear that PDS is helping! Congrats on your growth :)
-PDS team member
As an FA i do miss others to «read minds» more. I’m always aware of the boundaries of the men i’m dating and reading them and their needs. The DA’s i’ve been dating have expecting this and taken it for granted. But men who are dating me on the other hand, just «eat me alive» and run all over my boundaries in the dating phase because they are so eager. I would feel more interested and relaxed if they would be laidback and asked about my needs as well, but at the same time showing me that they care.
As a FA, this totally resonates, and it’s about being patient with myself to work through my fears 🙌🏼 Thank you so much
You're so welcome Dani :)
-PDS team member
They will not get into relationships with any anxious because it is draining their energy (no wonder) but they will get into relationships with avoidants. Those 2 attachments are on the same coins.
That's why when you become less anxious and don't care anymore they will come. If you want them they will run away from you hihi
Only secure can handle this🎶🎶🎶
hahah on point! I wanna be SECURE! Show me some tips please!
As an FA myself I can say that is not entirely true. Yes I do have both tendencies and flip flop in between depending on the attachment style of my partner. But I can say I can manage the relationship with a DA better than with a AA/AP, because DA ‘s tend to respect boundaries and give space to think and feel.
Zara Z This is so true for me. The boundaries are such a huge deal to me as an FA, but the people pleasing side of me has let so many anxious preoccupied people in way past my boundaries. That just makes an FA like a ticking time bomb.
@@caitm8209 yup! Either way I feel fuckedup anyway😅. But working on healing so I won’t repeat the same patterns.
Totally agree with you!
Currently taking a step back and see if it builds on the attraction!
@Personal Development School - Thais Gibson
I would love a video on how an AP should approach an FA about putting a time limit on seeing changes. In other videos you've mentioned having a time limit on how much time you're willing to put into a relationship (to see if the other person is willing to show up and work on their stuff.) With an FA how does one address this? They like transparency, which leans toward being explicit about your time frame, but they can feel threatened when they feel like they're pushed - which would lean toward keeping your timeline to yourself and just leaving the relationship if you don't see them doing the work. What's the best approach?
I approve this message 😆
I wish someone would have the 'what are we conversation' with me lolll. does that make me an anxious leaning FA 😅
Loved this video! Something more general I've been wondering is how to ask your partner what attachment style they are or how to encourage them to find out/take quiz? I have been with a few different partners where it's been hard to pin down what attachment style they leaned toward. I always wished I could ask them directly but didn't want to come off as "analyzing" them. Super curious what the best way to ask someone is!
1. Watch videos on this channel about profiling different attachmenyt styles. That helped me tremendously when I was working on my attachment style and also trying to date someone.
2. Watch the video on how a secure person relationship looks like so you'll have an idea of the difference.
3. You can also try to initiate conversations with your partner about attachment style and talk to them about the knowledge you're getting out of these videos to better your relationships. I'm sure once they understand what these videos can give in terms of having great relationships to self and others, they'd be at least curious to know more. You can then build up from there.
Remember, nothing is black and white here. If they're showing some traits of DA, don't be quick to label them as DA. The point of watching the profiling videos is to take a note and then have a meaningful respectful conversation about things you've noticed in their behaviour.
People may be reluctant if they feel like this is some sort of test to judge them and we want to be emphasising on the benefits for the relationship in these conversations.
Good luck and stay safe x
@@nainafavs This is very helpful! Thank you so much.
I have been learning a lot about something called attachment theory which is
basically our relationship blueprint of how we navigate connection with one another.
I learned that we all have a subconscious set of rules we navigate connection
through and that when we don’t know about each other’s “rules”/attachment style,
things can become unnecessarily tricky. I wanted to share this with you because it
has been so helpful for me. I identify with ________ attachment, do you know what
you are? I can send you a video or article if you’re interested in learning.
This is straight from the Expressing your Needs: Scripts for Effective Communication course within the school. This course has amazing scripts for so many different scenarios that come up in relationships :)
-PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool thank you so much I have been thinking about sharing this with my potential partner too
Lol 3 months in to what started out as a very very casual relationship that seemed like it was moving really fast. The last month I was spending the night there pretty much every day and we were very close and open. Then one day I told her I was falling for her and asked if she could ever “consider the possibility that I would mean more to her in the future”. She almost immediately closed off we barely hung out over the next 2 months and now I haven’t talked to her in about 2 weeks and haven’t seen her in almost a month. I wish I saw this a few months ago lol oops
I asked him after 2 yrs he said “we are nothing” ...immediately asked him to leave my house and blocked him on all social media and blocked him on my phn....there were 2 other occasions i had asked but i was patient and continued with the relationship on his terms always giving my love my time my money.
✍send✍this ✍video ✍to✍ future✍ candidates 😄😆
Thank you so very much
Ello Thais, I was wondering if you can share a video of what your course classes look like? Exampe: show a quick clip of the worksheets, how to navigate your class/website, and how to figure which course/classes/programs etc would be best... if for the individual or as a group learning. And post the link in every video you make like you do with the "learn your attachment style" link?
I have done other online classes that are not really organized.. where you click on a link and finish that one small subject then click on another link.. and so on and so forth.. and by the end of it you're all confused because everything you learned was recorded in a certain order that you did not watch or learn in.. because of the disorganization of the website...or the visual busy-ness or clutter look of it.. making the person trying to learn... over stimulated or overwhelmed. Making them want to give up learning before they grasped the education.
If you already have such a video can you please reply to this comment and post it here for me? I'm interested in the course but I don't want to pay for something that I won't end up doing because of the chaos of the website and trying to take time out of my already busy life to try to learn the website instead of the products you're selling.
Thank you
Not just for reading my comments but for all the education on helping people better themselves to better their relationships to better their lives. 😊
Hi Victoria! Here is a link to the school tour: ruclips.net/video/16PoZ8mxYd0/видео.html
When you enter, there is a Personal Development School guide that helps you determine which courses to take according to your attachment style (and in which order!) We hope to see you on the other side :)
- PDS Team Member
Nice.....
Until the FA gets healed and moved ti to SA, thy cant have a healthy relationship. Self love is mandatory for bith people in a relationship. The deep seated issue with FA is they dont live themselves and sometime even loathe who they are.
After date 4 of what seemed to be good connection and question asking, he also stated he liked , but then after some days of me expressing how a few answers triggered me and I questioned them for clarity of understanding) somehow he decided he didn't know why, but didn't see a future with me. He tested 60℅ secure, but mentioned a few times beatings from mother, my best guess was this was a deactivating strategy. When is a good time to have these connection questions, in order not to trigger someone? He said he could feel what I wanted and felt obliged to say his truth. Of course he still wanted connection/ sex. I drew a line on that. No contact.
In my personal experience, you did not trigger this person but merely stated your needs or shown vulnerability which can be quite daunting to people who are afraid of this kind of open show of emotions (especially if the relationship has just started). There could be many reasons behind this such as past traumas, poor boundaries and hence the fear of getting too close (FAs do this very effectively) or just not able to communicate that he might not have felt that connection with you on his side and tried to fake it at first by saying he liked you but then when you showed your vulnerable side, he realised that maybe it's not good for both of you if he continues to fake it and so instead of giving you a proper explanation, just gave you a vague reason of not seeing a future with you. We can all be like this sometimes when we don't understand our own patterns.
Whatever may be the reason, do not personalise it and move on to work on your own attachment style :) good luck in finding a great partner!
@@nainafavs thanks. That is how I thought about it. Like the ex ending in the past who's birthday is tomorrow, I said I'll never know. So just move on and that evening I contacted someone on a new app who I met 2 years ago and we shared some beautiful texting. I only said hello with a big smile , it escalated to why didn't we ever meet, I said u never asked and the next day he invited me over for coffee and it's been butterflies ever since. The. Other one just contacted me because he realized I deleted him on the app and asked If it was a statement. I just said no. And communication is good. And butterflies is on his way here and tomorrow is the birthday of the ex who made my head spin with rumination and sickness galore. Laughing... I'll be celebrating for him without him
By George, I think I've got this... Boundaries!! A woman's best friend.
@@valentinanocross8677 very happy for you! Boundaries are indeed our best friends. Stay safe x
slow down your talking
I love your content, but don't think that you can not personalize them being hesitant about being exclusive with you. If their interest is high enough, those fears won't matter. This channel neglects to address people that think they can do better.
I totally get what you're saying :) Though, once a person becomes more secure they don't personalise things as much, if at all. The boundaries are clear and the secure person respects the way someone else processes something and doesn't attach a negative/limiting story to it (e.g this person is hesitant to be in a monogamous, committed relationship with me.. So it must mean [the story, the meaning we give the situation] I'm not good enough/they think they're better than me/no one wants me/if they really cared they wouldn't hesitate/etc etc).
And you're correct about the persons interest level. However, in working within the frame of attachment theory, it more pertains to someone's FEAR level, rather than interest level. For example, if someone's deeply seated FEARs and negative programing of relationship are an 8 out of 10, and their interest level is a 7 out of 10, then the person is really going to struggle internally with moving forward in the relationship... NOT because it is a reflection of the person they're interested in, but purely because of the years, decades even, of all the stored negative associations and programming about relationships/commitment/intimacy/whatever their reasons :) Thias talks about this a lot in her previous videos about the Fearful Avoidants :)
As for the last part of your comment about this channel neglecting to address the people who think they can do better, I am not quite sure what you mean?
For example, do you mean that the person you're seeing thinks they can do better than you? Or vice versa?
I can assure you I’ve been in mad love with people I was interested in marriage with and had tragic endings because I couldn’t navigate the “what are we” talks without feeling like I was going to die lol nothing to do with my interest. In fact the closer I wanted to be with them, the stronger the fear
@@georgieeve2026 A secure person isn't going to deal with an FA I can assure you of that. I will respond to the rest tomorrow when I'm awake haha
@@Selam-fr4lf This is exactly why I wouldn't date you if I was secure and surely won't be dating those with severe attachment issues as I move towards a secure place. This video misses the point of putting your needs first and waiting around for someone to feel comfortable with committing to you is a sure fire way of neglecting your own need for safety and security. Secure people don't date FAs for long.
@@lifeisabeginning and I mostly agree with you. If an FA isn’t self aware, it’s really a toxic environment for the partner. I was more highlighting the point that the uncertainty doesn’t have to do with weak interest. Thus someone can leave the FA not having personalized the issue as not being “enough” for them