Transcript: Taniel is sitting on an armchair in front of a corner, with artwork hanging in the background. Taniel is wearing glasses and a black shirt while signing this story. Hi, my name is Taniel Stamatovic-Wood. I’d like to share my story about what I went through with RTS (Religious Trauma Syndrome). Before I start, I want to let you know that I used to be a woman. I hadn’t come out as transgender at the time when my story begins. Now I am fully out as a transgender man. Knowing my two identities will help you understand my story. When I was 29, I wanted to immerse myself in the church and deepen my relationship with God. I was so excited to find a church with a Deaf pastor near my home and started going there. I didn’t realize that the church was a fundamentalist one, which means it followed a strict interpretation of the bible. Fundamentalists put the bible first in their lives, above everything else. Even though someone cautioned me that it was a fundamentalist church, I didn’t pay much attention because I really wanted to move ahead and get involved. I really wanted to become a pastor. I’ll never forget that day when I went to a big church BBQ, where I couldn’t wait to meet the pastor and tell him that I wanted to study to become a pastor. The pastor’s look on his face after I told him made it clear that something was wrong. He opened the bible and pointed to a verse that said, “Woman cannot teach or hold authority over man, but must remain silent.” I was confused - he was saying that women couldn’t become pastors. That was the first time it had ever hit me that my physical identity would determine my value as a person. It didn’t any sense, so I shrugged it off to him misinterpreting the line. So, my life went on. Then one day a Deaf evangelist came to my home to preach. I was interested, until that person mentioned that more men were needed to be leaders for the church. I asked about women, but wasn’t given a straight answer. This did it for me and I started feeling very uneasy and upset. Excusing myself, I left the room and went to the bathroom, where I asked God what was wrong with the whole situation. I was so confused that I actually broke down crying. I went back to ask again, but didn’t get a satisfactory answer or support. Finally, I decided to put this behind me and move on. I went to a bible college that was associated with a small church, where the men sat on one side and the few women there on the other. The pastor, who was Deaf, taught us the basics of preaching, including techniques and other essentials. He told us that if we wanted to preach, we would not be allowed to go to other churches and would, in fact, have to sign an agreement not to do so. If we wanted to practice, we could do it at the bible college only. Holding in my discomfort with this, I agreed. We were also required to were dresses and present ourselves in a lady-like way. At that time I usually dressed casually, but I forced myself to change to appear more lady-like. It was a struggle. That is when I started feeling like God favored men over women. It seemed that men were more blessed, while women were blessed only if they were submissive and silent. I really resented that. When our bible study group went to Gallaudet to witness our faith, I didn’t hesitate at all to stand before a group of people and talk. I had no fear. I wanted to prove to God that I could do it equally as well as a man, and I wanted God to be pleased with me. During that time when there were so many negative messages about women, I never felt that I was good enough or important enough for God. Later, I got married. I still attended bible college to continue my studies. Then when I went to Gallaudet to witness, teaming up with my ex, someone told me that I was gone too often, when I should be staying home and serving my husband instead. It was the wife’s role to take care of the children and the home, to cook, and support the husband so he could be successful. How could I do that unless I reduced my studies? I needed to shift my attention to my husband. That night I felt dead inside. I just sat there motionless, in a daze. When my ex asked me what was wrong, I told him “nothing”. This is when I started experiencing RTS symptoms. Prior to this, I had always felt like I wasn’t good enough or important enough, and that God preferred men over women. RTS affected me so much that I started hurting myself. I tried so hard to suppress all of the negative thoughts and rage that were going through my mind and buried deep inside me. If I talked about my thoughts with anyone, they would tell me I wasn’t being Christian, or they would scold or judge me to the point where my self-esteem suffered. Not knowing how to deal with these sensitive and vulnerable feelings, I would resort to hurting myself to try to get rid of the pain and feel like a better person. That happened more than once. I don’t want to go into details about what I did - that’s personal - but I want to give you an idea so you know what it was like. That church also used a lot of fear and judgment when teaching. The message was that if you didn’t do certain things, God would not bless you. You might lose your crown, which meant you wouldn’t be saved. That church would describe other churches as being “lovey-dovey” and weak. They would warn us that if we went to one of those churches, we would fall from grace. I started feeling like something was wrong. Even though the bible had verses about God’s love, peace and joy, the church never talked about that. I started resisting the church’s teachings. Fortunately, my ex had graduated from college, so we decided to move to another state. He wanted to get the church’s blessing, but it was a terrible situation. We went ahead and moved, but still wanted to get the church’s blessing, so asked the pastor how we could do this. He told us that we would have to make an open apology to the congregation. Since we didn’t feel that we had done anything wrong, we decided to cut ties completely with that cult and get out from under its control. It was a good thing that the new church we started going to - which wasn’t fundamental - had two hearing pastors, who were fluent in ASL, and who had themselves experienced fundamentalism. They knew exactly what we were going through and could offer us good support and counseling. When they shared their stories with us, we realized a lot of things. After eight years in that fundamentalist church, we had been totally indoctrinated into that way of thinking and believing. We had to go through the process of getting rid of these teachings and replace them with positive messages of love, hope and peace. This helped us recover. We also had friends who joined us in leaving the same fundamentalist church, so we had a support group where we could process everything we had been through and heal from that. There is another story, however. My ex was gay and in the closet, while I was transgender and in the closet, too. We were afraid that God would judge us if we shared with others that it was okay to be LGBTQ. Instead of wondering and worrying if we would be punished and go to hell for this, we decided to start all over by reading the bible again and doing our research by reading different books. We found the answer: God fully accepts LGBTQ people. We are not going to hell for that. I finally came out and felt so free. We set up the Deaf Rainbow of Faith to empower and support LGBTQ families. There are many wrong interpretations of biblical verses out there. God fully accepts and loves you. You are fine. You are beautiful. I feel very sad for people who are still trapped in fundamentalist churches. I want them to be able to let go and be free and have hope. Thank you for listening to my story.
Transcript: Taniel is sitting on an armchair in front of a corner, with artwork hanging in the background. Taniel is wearing glasses and a black shirt while signing this story.
Hi, my name is Taniel Stamatovic-Wood. I’d like to share my story about what I went through with RTS (Religious Trauma Syndrome). Before I start, I want to let you know that I used to be a woman. I hadn’t come out as transgender at the time when my story begins. Now I am fully out as a transgender man. Knowing my two identities will help you understand my story.
When I was 29, I wanted to immerse myself in the church and deepen my relationship with God. I was so excited to find a church with a Deaf pastor near my home and started going there. I didn’t realize that the church was a fundamentalist one, which means it followed a strict interpretation of the bible. Fundamentalists put the bible first in their lives, above everything else. Even though someone cautioned me that it was a fundamentalist church, I didn’t pay much attention because I really wanted to move ahead and get involved.
I really wanted to become a pastor. I’ll never forget that day when I went to a big church BBQ, where I couldn’t wait to meet the pastor and tell him that I wanted to study to become a pastor. The pastor’s look on his face after I told him made it clear that something was wrong. He opened the bible and pointed to a verse that said, “Woman cannot teach or hold authority over man, but must remain silent.” I was confused - he was saying that women couldn’t become pastors. That was the first time it had ever hit me that my physical identity would determine my value as a person. It didn’t any sense, so I shrugged it off to him misinterpreting the line.
So, my life went on. Then one day a Deaf evangelist came to my home to preach. I was interested, until that person mentioned that more men were needed to be leaders for the church. I asked about women, but wasn’t given a straight answer. This did it for me and I started feeling very uneasy and upset. Excusing myself, I left the room and went to the bathroom, where I asked God what was wrong with the whole situation. I was so confused that I actually broke down crying. I went back to ask again, but didn’t get a satisfactory answer or support. Finally, I decided to put this behind me and move on.
I went to a bible college that was associated with a small church, where the men sat on one side and the few women there on the other. The pastor, who was Deaf, taught us the basics of preaching, including techniques and other essentials. He told us that if we wanted to preach, we would not be allowed to go to other churches and would, in fact, have to sign an agreement not to do so. If we wanted to practice, we could do it at the bible college only. Holding in my discomfort with this, I agreed. We were also required to were dresses and present ourselves in a lady-like way. At that time I usually dressed casually, but I forced myself to change to appear more lady-like. It was a struggle.
That is when I started feeling like God favored men over women. It seemed that men were more blessed, while women were blessed only if they were submissive and silent. I really resented that. When our bible study group went to Gallaudet to witness our faith, I didn’t hesitate at all to stand before a group of people and talk. I had no fear. I wanted to prove to God that I could do it equally as well as a man, and I wanted God to be pleased with me. During that time when there were so many negative messages about women, I never felt that I was good enough or important enough for God.
Later, I got married. I still attended bible college to continue my studies. Then when I went to Gallaudet to witness, teaming up with my ex, someone told me that I was gone too often, when I should be staying home and serving my husband instead. It was the wife’s role to take care of the children and the home, to cook, and support the husband so he could be successful. How could I do that unless I reduced my studies? I needed to shift my attention to my husband.
That night I felt dead inside. I just sat there motionless, in a daze. When my ex asked me what was wrong, I told him “nothing”. This is when I started experiencing RTS symptoms. Prior to this, I had always felt like I wasn’t good enough or important enough, and that God preferred men over women. RTS affected me so much that I started hurting myself. I tried so hard to suppress all of the negative thoughts and rage that were going through my mind and buried deep inside me. If I talked about my thoughts with anyone, they would tell me I wasn’t being Christian, or they would scold or judge me to the point where my self-esteem suffered. Not knowing how to deal with these sensitive and vulnerable feelings, I would resort to hurting myself to try to get rid of the pain and feel like a better person. That happened more than once. I don’t want to go into details about what I did - that’s personal - but I want to give you an idea so you know what it was like.
That church also used a lot of fear and judgment when teaching. The message was that if you didn’t do certain things, God would not bless you. You might lose your crown, which meant you wouldn’t be saved. That church would describe other churches as being “lovey-dovey” and weak. They would warn us that if we went to one of those churches, we would fall from grace. I started feeling like something was wrong. Even though the bible had verses about God’s love, peace and joy, the church never talked about that. I started resisting the church’s teachings.
Fortunately, my ex had graduated from college, so we decided to move to another state. He wanted to get the church’s blessing, but it was a terrible situation. We went ahead and moved, but still wanted to get the church’s blessing, so asked the pastor how we could do this. He told us that we would have to make an open apology to the congregation. Since we didn’t feel that we had done anything wrong, we decided to cut ties completely with that cult and get out from under its control.
It was a good thing that the new church we started going to - which wasn’t fundamental - had two hearing pastors, who were fluent in ASL, and who had themselves experienced fundamentalism. They knew exactly what we were going through and could offer us good support and counseling. When they shared their stories with us, we realized a lot of things.
After eight years in that fundamentalist church, we had been totally indoctrinated into that way of thinking and believing. We had to go through the process of getting rid of these teachings and replace them with positive messages of love, hope and peace. This helped us recover. We also had friends who joined us in leaving the same fundamentalist church, so we had a support group where we could process everything we had been through and heal from that.
There is another story, however. My ex was gay and in the closet, while I was transgender and in the closet, too. We were afraid that God would judge us if we shared with others that it was okay to be LGBTQ. Instead of wondering and worrying if we would be punished and go to hell for this, we decided to start all over by reading the bible again and doing our research by reading different books. We found the answer: God fully accepts LGBTQ people. We are not going to hell for that. I finally came out and felt so free.
We set up the Deaf Rainbow of Faith to empower and support LGBTQ families. There are many wrong interpretations of biblical verses out there. God fully accepts and loves you. You are fine. You are beautiful. I feel very sad for people who are still trapped in fundamentalist churches. I want them to be able to let go and be free and have hope. Thank you for listening to my story.