Being the adult with your parents | The Dr. Cloud Show - Episode 138
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- Опубликовано: 7 сен 2024
- In this segment of The Dr. Cloud Show, Sally wants to establish some boundaries with her parents. They had never let her ‘leave and cleave’ and so she’s consistently had to establish her autonomy. What can she do to make her boundaries clearer?
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I don't have to feel bad when someone gets mad. I can choose to feel peaceful no matter how they behave. A golden nugget, thank you Dr. Cloud. You're the best ❤
I can change how I feel about their reaction. Once I do that, they no longer have any control over me. Freedom!
Thank you Dr. Cloud. 💕
I love the way you explain things Dr. Cloud. "Don't feel bad when somebody gets mad". Powerful!
What I discovered keeps us in "bondage" to elderly relatives is the sense of indebtedness they brandish when we want to be independent people making decisions that benefit us. They play the guilty card on us making us feel like ungrateful and uncaring. It takes to discover the truth about the situation to liberate us from this lie that ties our life to the dock and makes us slaves of other people's directives.
When I sense someone is leaning on me to be their problem-solver, my go-to response, “That’s unfortunate. I hate that for you. What are you going to do about that?” Put power back into their* control. I am not going to be responsible for another’s life-choices.
After that, I release*; some people are not* going to change. I’m choosing my healthy boundaries, and not to get into an unhealthy, codependent, enmeshed relationship. 😁❤️🔥🙌🏼
Great advice, Dr. Cloud. The parent-child relationship goes through such radical changes and it is difficult to navigate, especially if parent or child has unhealthy boundaries (too much of their self-worth or happiness is bound up and dependent on the other).
Hard to grow up and try to make a life as an adult and feel the affect my decisions and independence have on my parents. Hard as a parent now to imagine letting go of my kids (mine are 5 and younger) to the point that they are making life-changing decisions independent of me! Relying on God and good counsel along the way to help me gracefully grow with my children
I have visited an elderly lady in assisted living. She has said to me that she hates it because there is nothing to do. The funny thing is in order to get to her apartment, I would pass through a lovely dining room and pass by a calendar with many events listed everyday.
The need the energy
They will never be satisfied with what you doing good for them
It’s toxic attachments issue
They will feel anxious regarding leaving them
Actually, I think the 'fear' she feels is that she's not honouring her parents when they react like that. But of course, she is honouring them, but just not as they wish on their terms.
Oh my! I’m in this dilemma right now.
Parents that keep you accountable for their happiness. Will never be happy...
Very interesting call. Thank you Dr. Cloud for sharing!
Oh my life this woman could be me! Only mine is actually enmeshed and it's only my mother. I do EVERYTHING for her and its so hard to force her onto her own two feet!
I do not need the friendship of my children; they do not need mine. The guilt with which they approach me, I can see clearly, even before they open their mouths. I just want them to grow up, yet I am some kind of monster, when what and who I am is Dad, the one man, who no matter what, will love them always.
This woman isn’t even asking any questions. Her own guilt of leaving is confusing her? You’re parents are going to be fine dear. They love and miss you. You’re 40. Live your life. You’re worried about your parents being “depressed” and “helpless” but you’re assigning that label to them. YOU. Did they tell you they were helpless and depressed? Probably not explicitly. She’s a self centered only child.
Agree with you Emily.
Ouch, Dr takes questions because people need help sorting stuff out. I think your response is too critical of this caller, she needed untwisting and validation, not more condemnation and guilt tripping. Like the Dr has said, groups enforce their norms, what may seem obvious to you may not be to her.
I Agree Emily.
This caller, along with Dr Cloud's audacious advice, really bothered me. (warning - rant coming. "Hit dog will hollar" LOL!!)
Dr Cloud, are you thinking her parents should be just like you and your wife?
I know, you know, everyone has their "own story". Sometimes (that means, not always!! to the reader who wants to blast me for even considering this →) your sarcasm can come across very condescending and cocky
I need to add, your advice at the 12 min mark....WOW!! scary!
When we are on the receiving end of someone's reactions to our "NO!" we WILL feel a certain way by how they react to that "NO!", IF, we have an once of compassion!
Did the money changers, fell bad/CHANGE their ways? Or could they have cared less when Jesus was angry about unrighteousness while he was turning over the tables.
Hmmm? I wonder if they could have cared less what Jesus was doing?
If we are NOT affected by their reaction, we are un-empathetic and not teachable. And can closely be considered a psychopath! I was married to one that could care less how I felt, when I said no/was upset about how I was being treated or put up my boundaries. He ignored me too!
Others reactions do affect us---period! What we do as children of God is the question.
If I may be so bold ---
We should be mad about unrighteous behaviors that are affecting the whole family. And take that mad (not sin!) and do something/let it work for everyone. Not isolate and disconnect because we don't like their requests.
But....
IF --- BIG IF --- we are being manipulated or controlled ---- WE should NOT feel bad. Fine line there!
WE have No clue, regarding the whole story we didn't hear.
This woman wants to be validated and justified to ignore her parents. Where is honoring your parents and having a respectful conversation?
How long has it been since they have seen her?
That wasn't asked. Healthy Relationships and connection are essential to life. This looked like splitting hairs!
We do not know, but considering she is 40, maybe they are in their 70's and truly sad and in need of help.
What's wrong with her being a part of "Family" in a healthy manner.
This is only a 1 sided conversation.
That is 1 of the reasons why I'm not a huge fan of this show. Because folks need answers to difficult situations and then callers leave and implement advise that could potentially have crushing/damaging consequences ; when he only spent 5 min, listening to their life story.
Would love to know her parents side.
Yes Emily, she does seem self -centered .
@@Thankful305 I disagree with both you and Emily, sorry I didn't make that clear, if I was misunderstood. I appreciated the Drs response, I thought Emily was too judgemental, and didnt really make it through your comment, either.
I suppose we are all on different journeys. The Dr. Has shown compassion in role play as in " I understand and am sorry that I cannot ...
But I am willing to..."
I dont see where he told her to ignore her parents.
@@sh6460 was speaking to Emily and Dr Cloud...sorry if you thought it was meant/directed to you.
a relationship with your parents should be one of your peers. I disagree with my friends, bosses, and coworkers and society rit large.
I love my folks and think its cool how they raised me. And I really don't agree with alot of shit they say as adults. I don't agree with any of their advice. Theu don't know what they are doing. They are making it up.
And neither do I