Thank you for sharing this. My partner will relate to everything you said. She still identifies as lesbian, it makes paople scratch their heads but she doesnt care! she too found it hard to find her identity shifting alongside mine but over this year shes become comfortable again. relationships can indeed work out and survive, but you have to keep talking open and honestly. You also have to get support from wherever you can. Have you found the Tmates channel? Good luck to you both :)
thanks :) I think its extremely important there is someone on youtube being honest about the changes transitioning has in relationships. I hope you and your girlfriend continue to have those conversations- it helps a lot. Thank you for the encouragement!
me and my girlfriend are going through the same thing i decided a few days ago that i wanted to go through with the transition and shes really supportive but shes also very scared so anyways im gonna show her your video and im sure its gonna help so thank you for taking the time to make this video. all the best to you 2!
Thank you so much for doing this video. I thought I was alone in this. Being a fem lesbian, and being with a fem lesbian it's been really hard to accept my gf being by bf. But when I see things like this it makes me feel a little bit more at ease. It does make you feel that your identity is being taken from you, it took me a long time for myself to be ok with who I am, and now it's been really hard to grasp all of this, But I love who I am with, and it's been hard and this is only the start.
Hey K! I can totally relate. My partner of 10 years came out to me as Trans a few months ago and up until then we identified as a lesbian married couple. We are in our early 30's and we have decided to share our journey
Not all transpersons transition the same way. Some never do T or surgeries. Some do the whole enchilada. Most do just enough to make them comfortable in their gender id. Noah will eventually find the place where he feels centered. Hopefully, you love Noah for Noah & also get centered. Start by trying not to identify yourself as one preference or another-just be. As far as Noah being stealth for so long-maybe it took awhile to get from the "I'm questioning" phase to the "I know" phase.
I think it's incredibly brave that you're sharing your honest, uncensored thoughts about processing his transition. I'm at the beginning of my own transition and the girl I'm dating and I are having similar conversations and questions. Most importantly, your sexual orientation or the label/identity you feel most fits you does not have to change because of one singular relationship, even if you and Noah are together forever, you can still identify as a lesbian, no matter what other people say.
I just came across this video. It is amazing how similar our experiences are with our partners; really, it's crazy! Thank you for sharing your perspective and experience on your relationship. It helps to watch and hear about other partners with similar stories!
hey katie, thank you very much for posting this videos! i'm in the same situation as you (just not that fare) and was looking to a lot of ftm videos. i was surprised to find yours and to see, that you have pritty much the same questions and worries i'm having.
to continue living and identifying with it. I know a LOT of ftm's who become huge activists in the feminist movement after because they still embrace fighting for women's rights and "womanhood" to be respected in society, but choose to do it from a physical place they feel comfortable in. Some of the best allies and feminists out there are ftms's in my opinion- they can really tell you about what sexism is like from both sides.
I am kind of scared right now! My story is pretty close to Noah's as in I was in denial for a really long time, and then I just found out about all the ftm process and I realized I am a transgender and I am looking forward to start on T as soon as possible...But the scariest part is that My male name is also Noah, I am hopeful that as soon as I get started on T I'll be able to try and change it! So I am sorry, didn't mean to steal it...but hey! And I applaud you for being there for him!
Thank you. I just posted this on tumblr because some dumb kids are trying to tell my girlfriend that she is disrespectful to me because she identifies as a lesbian. Her and I were together for about 4 months before I publicly came out and she shocked but is unbelievably supportive. I don't care about labels. If she wants to identify as a lesbian I'm proud of her because she such an open mind that she loves me for me through the whole trans thing. Thank you for posting this.
Alex Westfall the idea is that if a woman happily - emotionally and sexually- dates a man (regardless if cis or transgender) and insists identifying as a lesbian, it’s really misleading and in a sense disrepectful to a community of women who would never see themselves happy, especially sexually, alongside a man. Because that’s just not what the term lesbian means. It doesn’t mean: “ I mostly like women, and just one time in my life I can like a guy and then marry him and lead this totally hetero life where by the way I’m happy (not like all those other man-hating lesbians out there that simply just won’t give men a chance)”. It defeates the purpose and it gives people a reason to continue to invalidate lesbians’ sexual orientation. I question the reason as to why such a woman insists on being called a lesbian instead of bisexual or queer or something more appropiate. I say this because it invalidates the identity in totality and makes things even more complicated for the tiny percentange of women who really are lesbian. I wouldn’t even use a label anymore because at the end of the day it’s clear this is about identity politics. Such women feel the need to be perceived as lesbians because they know that nothing in their lives looks actually “lesbian”. Whereas lesbians living according to the definition of the term do not need to do this because it’s quite clear they are lesbians (they don’t need to mark themselves as this to themselves or to others). It’s shows a big insecurity that really should be delt with. Your sexual orientation identity should not take over so much your life that when something happens and it seems you weren’t the sexuality you initially though, you need to be in such a huge denial as to cause problems for others.
great video all will work out my fiance and i have been together for just over a year she gives me my shot every week i told her when we first started dating i felt it was important.shes a lesbian its not as hard as you think you both will adjust i assure you take care and good luck in your journey cam
Also I totally relate to not wanting to ID as bisexual. I absolutely, ABSOLUTELY do not identify as bisexual. Not only would that label be almost as misleading as calling me straight, but if I'm going to acknowledge my attraction to men, I have to acknowledge that there are also more than 2 genders. I'm no less attracted to genderqueers than I am to men. Queer, homoflex, open-minded lesbian, pansexual... all these are better than "bisexual" for me. No need to only have one label, though!
i agree. it is something that we had to discuss, but in our relationship noah felt that discrediting my orientation was too much to ask for to eliminate that possible dysphoric situation.
hey thank you, the transition is very exciting, and labels are starting to fall wayward right now. Ill be doing an update pronto. Thanks for watching, give your wife a high five for me for being encouraging :)
I totally understand how you feel, I myself also identify as a lesbian, and my ex came out as trans, and my current partner has now come out as trans. I feel completely alone, and unfortunately there is VERY little FTM resources available..
I can totally relate, 100% In the same boat & at times its super hard and sometimes im kinda okay with it.. Mines has been on T alil over 2 1/2 years. And he just got bottom surgery and my heart has been aching like crazy... I lost my best friend & lesbian lover
Sorry got cut off in my last comment. But we look forward to watching your journey and just know labels belong on bottles and not people. I had to work on the labels and worrying how others looked at me. But now I don't care it's about me and the person I have built a life with.
Im a transguy who has been on T for over 2 yrs. I told my then girlfriend 2 days after we decided to b together that I was trans. She was completely fine n fully supportive. She was aware of what being an FTM was bc her sisters best friend was an FTM. 5 months ago she decided to tell me it was to hard, that she was a lesbian n couldnt have a boyfriend. We were together for 2 yrs. She had support groups but never went. Just b sure u want him for him n just know u dont need a label to love him.
I am beyond excited to read about people with the same struggles that I have. I posted on my blog recently about how I still identify as lesbian and got a lot of crap because of it. My boyfriend [ftm] actually prefers that I still ID as lesbian because he enjoys telling people I couldn't resist his charm :p hehe
Marissa Marie yes, you just needed the right D, correct? I think that is beyong homophobic.. the way he sees himself .. and frankly quite misoginistic. It’s beyong me the level of harm that is inflicted on the lesbian community by people who ironically are actually part of the lgbt community.
Funny thing is my FTM partner also IDs as homoflexible, but he primarily just says he's straight. He's never been with a guy, but is open to it, and that's basically how I was until I hooked up with him. I've always disliked the word "queer" as an identity because it's so vague, but I'm leaning more toward it bc one of my former partners now IDs as genderqueer and another now IDs as GNC..... when you break the gender binary, you gotta change your labels for sexual orientation...
Hey thanks for all the comments. I agree, i don't really care what anyone thinks, if i love noah i love noah. no need to categorize me! I don't think we could be the "close friends" thing though, we are too committed to each other at this point, its not what we want. For people that treat Noah like shit, yes, they are just uneducated miserable people for the most part :P
I know right? There is a support group on facebook you can join that has over a hundred members that are going through the exact same stuff as you, its called ftm sweethearts - please look it up!
I recently started seeing a fully transitioned guy. At first I wanted to keep identifying as lesbian bc I think les can just mean "mostly attracted to women" and it's true I'm not seeking out men the way I seek out women bc the attraction level, though it's there once in a while, is always less in my exp. But most people don't understand lesbian to mean "mostly attracted to women" so I'm starting to move away from that label. It's hard bc there isn't a label less than 5 syllables: homoflexible.
In reply to this and the last message. From my experience, and from many many other people I have spoken to about being trans and having a lesbian partner, or partners of frms, being in a relationship with a lesbian is not an ideal situation for transitioning in. Its really hard on them too. Its scary, so I don't think they try to "trick" their girlfriend first- Many people can only face an emotional struggle after they have felt security in their lives to do so, so ya it happens more in
Just checking- are you being sarcastic or serious- I can't tell. :) I have had a few people tell me that partners and families of trans people don't need any support, which is BS. :(
Thanks! Are you on FB? I started a page- Partners and Families of Trans People. I could use more content if you ever have anything you think I should post. facebook.com/Partners-and-Families-of-Trans-People-345308728886595/?fref=ts
I don't think being sarcastic in this kind of moments is something that would be expected from someone in the same or similar situation so . . :) And of course you need support of any kind. . who ever ells you this is a moron and does not know what he/she is talking about!
@jaydenftm Noah just said he remembered you from the meeting :) Yah I am pretty sure he intends on going to another meeting and Im pretty sure I will be accompanying at some trans events too.
Im going through the same thing too I also identify myself as a lesbian. My partner has came out as a FTM recently also. Im just looking for advise and support groups, which I been trying to find research.
i am FTM, and i just wanna say identify as a lesbian while dating a FTM can sometimes make they're disphoria worse when they are around other people. because if u say ur a lesbian people are going to ask then why are u dating him.... ya know what i mean?
hey its your experience- and you have a right to your feelings and expressing them to someone in a safe environment is great. When did your partner come out to you? If you want to chat privately- send me a message on youtube.
relationships, but its not intentional- its just a fact of human emotional development. And I am no professional, but from reading your responses I feel like you may have a strong stigma against men in general, so I understand it would be very difficult to use "boyfriend" but the feelings of wanting to puke show a little more bellow the surface about your feelings towards them. As much as I love my womanhood, for those who do not feel they THEMSELVES are a part of it- it can be very painful
yes I know...they want to feel whole inside...but why may I ask is it the lesbian that does the biggest sacrifice by feeling empty inside by being with a man? I want to puke or choke on my words when I say my boyfriend!
sol wolf you are not obligated to continue a relationship with someone that identifies as a ftm; and I personally fully support your right to living a life that makes YOU happy. The implication that you must stay with such a partner implies a level of sacrifice that is simply disgusting. My opinion: a lesbian (really lesbian) CANNOT be sexually happy in such a relationship. What would your opinion be if a cis man tried to convince a lesbian to be with him because he’s “special” ( had the right D, as some would say :)) )? It really is not that big of a difference. Transmen are still MEN. It’s like those lesbians forcing themselves to have a traditional family with a man in order to please their families.
Thank you for sharing this. My partner will relate to everything you said. She still identifies as lesbian, it makes paople scratch their heads but she doesnt care! she too found it hard to find her identity shifting alongside mine but over this year shes become comfortable again. relationships can indeed work out and survive, but you have to keep talking open and honestly. You also have to get support from wherever you can. Have you found the Tmates channel? Good luck to you both :)
thanks :) I think its extremely important there is someone on youtube being honest about the changes transitioning has in relationships. I hope you and your girlfriend continue to have those conversations- it helps a lot. Thank you for the encouragement!
me and my girlfriend are going through the same thing i decided a few days ago that i wanted to go through with the transition and shes really supportive but shes also very scared so anyways im gonna show her your video and im sure its gonna help so thank you for taking the time to make this video. all the best to you 2!
Thank you so much for doing this video. I thought I was alone in this. Being a fem lesbian, and being with a fem lesbian it's been really hard to accept my gf being by bf. But when I see things like this it makes me feel a little bit more at ease. It does make you feel that your identity is being taken from you, it took me a long time for myself to be ok with who I am, and now it's been really hard to grasp all of this, But I love who I am with, and it's been hard and this is only the start.
Hey K! I can totally relate. My partner of 10 years came out to me as Trans a few months ago and up until then we identified as a lesbian married couple. We are in our early 30's and we have decided to share our journey
Not all transpersons transition the same way. Some never do T or surgeries. Some do the whole enchilada. Most do just enough to make them comfortable in their gender id. Noah will eventually find the place where he feels centered. Hopefully, you love Noah for Noah & also get centered. Start by trying not to identify yourself as one preference or another-just be. As far as Noah being stealth for so long-maybe it took awhile to get from the "I'm questioning" phase to the "I know" phase.
Thank you for making this video! I am struggling with a lot of the same things you talked about, and it feels good to know that I am not alone!
I think it's incredibly brave that you're sharing your honest, uncensored thoughts about processing his transition. I'm at the beginning of my own transition and the girl I'm dating and I are having similar conversations and questions. Most importantly, your sexual orientation or the label/identity you feel most fits you does not have to change because of one singular relationship, even if you and Noah are together forever, you can still identify as a lesbian, no matter what other people say.
I just came across this video. It is amazing how similar our experiences are with our partners; really, it's crazy! Thank you for sharing your perspective and experience on your relationship. It helps to watch and hear about other partners with similar stories!
hey katie, thank you very much for posting this videos! i'm in the same situation as you (just not that fare) and was looking to a lot of ftm videos. i was surprised to find yours and to see, that you have pritty much the same questions and worries i'm having.
to continue living and identifying with it. I know a LOT of ftm's who become huge activists in the feminist movement after because they still embrace fighting for women's rights and "womanhood" to be respected in society, but choose to do it from a physical place they feel comfortable in. Some of the best allies and feminists out there are ftms's in my opinion- they can really tell you about what sexism is like from both sides.
I [Roni] really want to thank you for this video. As a transman it's so amazing to see your support and love for Noah.
Its great to hear there are others out there with the same general story :) thanks for commenting. All the best!
You did a lot of amazingly supportive things for your partner, but watching this makes me feel like there's a lot more research you have to do.
I thought I was the only one! I'm a lesbian talking to a ftm I'm still a lil confused but I really like him since that's what he wants to be refer as!
So glad you were able to find the video then, good luck in the future :)
I am kind of scared right now! My story is pretty close to Noah's as in I was in denial for a really long time, and then I just found out about all the ftm process and I realized I am a transgender and I am looking forward to start on T as soon as possible...But the scariest part is that My male name is also Noah, I am hopeful that as soon as I get started on T I'll be able to try and change it! So I am sorry, didn't mean to steal it...but hey! And I applaud you for being there for him!
Thank you. I just posted this on tumblr because some dumb kids are trying to tell my girlfriend that she is disrespectful to me because she identifies as a lesbian. Her and I were together for about 4 months before I publicly came out and she shocked but is unbelievably supportive. I don't care about labels. If she wants to identify as a lesbian I'm proud of her because she such an open mind that she loves me for me through the whole trans thing. Thank you for posting this.
Alex Westfall the idea is that if a woman happily - emotionally and sexually- dates a man (regardless if cis or transgender) and insists identifying as a lesbian, it’s really misleading and in a sense disrepectful to a community of women who would never see themselves happy, especially sexually, alongside a man. Because that’s just not what the term lesbian means. It doesn’t mean: “ I mostly like women, and just one time in my life I can like a guy and then marry him and lead this totally hetero life where by the way I’m happy (not like all those other man-hating lesbians out there that simply just won’t give men a chance)”. It defeates the purpose and it gives people a reason to continue to invalidate lesbians’ sexual orientation. I question the reason as to why such a woman insists on being called a lesbian instead of bisexual or queer or something more appropiate. I say this because it invalidates the identity in totality and makes things even more complicated for the tiny percentange of women who really are lesbian. I wouldn’t even use a label anymore because at the end of the day it’s clear this is about identity politics. Such women feel the need to be perceived as lesbians because they know that nothing in their lives looks actually “lesbian”. Whereas lesbians living according to the definition of the term do not need to do this because it’s quite clear they are lesbians (they don’t need to mark themselves as this to themselves or to others). It’s shows a big insecurity that really should be delt with. Your sexual orientation identity should not take over so much your life that when something happens and it seems you weren’t the sexuality you initially though, you need to be in such a huge denial as to cause problems for others.
great video all will work out my fiance and i have been together for just over a year she gives me my shot every week i told her when we first started dating i felt it was important.shes a lesbian its not as hard as you think you both will adjust i assure you take care and good luck in your journey cam
Cameron Sellers she’s probably not a lesbian if it’s not hard for her
Also I totally relate to not wanting to ID as bisexual. I absolutely, ABSOLUTELY do not identify as bisexual. Not only would that label be almost as misleading as calling me straight, but if I'm going to acknowledge my attraction to men, I have to acknowledge that there are also more than 2 genders. I'm no less attracted to genderqueers than I am to men. Queer, homoflex, open-minded lesbian, pansexual... all these are better than "bisexual" for me. No need to only have one label, though!
i agree. it is something that we had to discuss, but in our relationship noah felt that discrediting my orientation was too much to ask for to eliminate that possible dysphoric situation.
hey thank you, the transition is very exciting, and labels are starting to fall wayward right now. Ill be doing an update pronto. Thanks for watching, give your wife a high five for me for being encouraging :)
I totally understand how you feel, I myself also identify as a lesbian, and my ex came out as trans, and my current partner has now come out as trans. I feel completely alone, and unfortunately there is VERY little FTM resources available..
I can totally relate, 100% In the same boat & at times its super hard and sometimes im kinda okay with it.. Mines has been on T alil over 2 1/2 years. And he just got bottom surgery and my heart has been aching like crazy... I lost my best friend & lesbian lover
well, he was never a lesbian. Im sorry, but a trans man's happiness is more important then a sapphic relationship
Sorry got cut off in my last comment. But we look forward to watching your journey and just know labels belong on bottles and not people. I had to work on the labels and worrying how others looked at me. But now I don't care it's about me and the person I have built a life with.
Im a transguy who has been on T for over 2 yrs. I told my then girlfriend 2 days after we decided to b together that I was trans. She was completely fine n fully supportive. She was aware of what being an FTM was bc her sisters best friend was an FTM. 5 months ago she decided to tell me it was to hard, that she was a lesbian n couldnt have a boyfriend. We were together for 2 yrs. She had support groups but never went. Just b sure u want him for him n just know u dont need a label to love him.
your awesome dude...i did the same thing to my wife... and she didn't take it very well n now she is more excited then i am...u will be fine.. :)
@MrJimmyBeat it does feel like home. thanks for the advice :)
I am beyond excited to read about people with the same struggles that I have. I posted on my blog recently about how I still identify as lesbian and got a lot of crap because of it. My boyfriend [ftm] actually prefers that I still ID as lesbian because he enjoys telling people I couldn't resist his charm :p hehe
Marissa Marie yes, you just needed the right D, correct? I think that is beyong homophobic.. the way he sees himself .. and frankly quite misoginistic. It’s beyong me the level of harm that is inflicted on the lesbian community by people who ironically are actually part of the lgbt community.
Funny thing is my FTM partner also IDs as homoflexible, but he primarily just says he's straight. He's never been with a guy, but is open to it, and that's basically how I was until I hooked up with him. I've always disliked the word "queer" as an identity because it's so vague, but I'm leaning more toward it bc one of my former partners now IDs as genderqueer and another now IDs as GNC..... when you break the gender binary, you gotta change your labels for sexual orientation...
Hey thanks for all the comments. I agree, i don't really care what anyone thinks, if i love noah i love noah. no need to categorize me! I don't think we could be the "close friends" thing though, we are too committed to each other at this point, its not what we want.
For people that treat Noah like shit, yes, they are just uneducated miserable people for the most part :P
I’m struggling w the identity part right now myself.
I know right? There is a support group on facebook you can join that has over a hundred members that are going through the exact same stuff as you, its called ftm sweethearts - please look it up!
I recently started seeing a fully transitioned guy. At first I wanted to keep identifying as lesbian bc I think les can just mean "mostly attracted to women" and it's true I'm not seeking out men the way I seek out women bc the attraction level, though it's there once in a while, is always less in my exp. But most people don't understand lesbian to mean "mostly attracted to women" so I'm starting to move away from that label. It's hard bc there isn't a label less than 5 syllables: homoflexible.
In reply to this and the last message. From my experience, and from many many other people I have spoken to about being trans and having a lesbian partner, or partners of frms, being in a relationship with a lesbian is not an ideal situation for transitioning in. Its really hard on them too. Its scary, so I don't think they try to "trick" their girlfriend first- Many people can only face an emotional struggle after they have felt security in their lives to do so, so ya it happens more in
thats awesome thanks for the encouragement!
oh n also dont feel like u have to label urself..ur u n u love noah and thats all
...u love no matter wat gender it is
What kind of support/community is out there for lesbian partners of FTM people? I haven't been able to find anything.
Rachael B. yeah i would support that community tho
I started a blog so if you are interested: transpartnersaid.wordpress.com/
Just checking- are you being sarcastic or serious- I can't tell. :) I have had a few people tell me that partners and families of trans people don't need any support, which is BS. :(
Thanks! Are you on FB? I started a page- Partners and Families of Trans People. I could use more content if you ever have anything you think I should post. facebook.com/Partners-and-Families-of-Trans-People-345308728886595/?fref=ts
I don't think being sarcastic in this kind of moments is something that would be expected from someone in the same or similar situation so . . :) And of course you need support of any kind. . who ever ells you this is a moron and does not know what he/she is talking about!
Just wanted to say that when you say "transgendered" its offensive to trans people and just not the right wording. Just say "transgender" or "Trans"
Hi Caden, I appreciate your feedback. When I made this video it was almost 3 years ago- I have learned lots since.
Katie King Yeah just wanted to put it out there, but im sure you have!
I have heard that eliminating males or transwomen while identifying as pansexual defeats the label's purpose. What do you think?
@jaydenftm Noah just said he remembered you from the meeting :) Yah I am pretty sure he intends on going to another meeting and Im pretty sure I will be accompanying at some trans events too.
Im going through the same thing too I also identify myself as a lesbian. My partner has came out as a FTM recently also. Im just looking for advise and support groups, which I been trying to find research.
i am FTM, and i just wanna say identify as a lesbian while dating a FTM can sometimes make they're disphoria worse when they are around other people. because if u say ur a lesbian people are going to ask then why are u dating him.... ya know what i mean?
Bryson Bencivengo yes, I was thinking the same thing
hey no problem I hope it helps, ill be posting a new one I made in the next day or two. Good luck to you and your gf :)
your not alone! :)
@barefootwits I definitely agree, I do have a lot more to learn! Its all a process.
@loveyou69bb Thats awesome I really hope they do help, best to you and your girlfriend as well! happy transition! :)
hey its your experience- and you have a right to your feelings and expressing them to someone in a safe environment is great. When did your partner come out to you? If you want to chat privately- send me a message on youtube.
relationships, but its not intentional- its just a fact of human emotional development. And I am no professional, but from reading your responses I feel like you may have a strong stigma against men in general, so I understand it would be very difficult to use "boyfriend" but the feelings of wanting to puke show a little more bellow the surface about your feelings towards them. As much as I love my womanhood, for those who do not feel they THEMSELVES are a part of it- it can be very painful
Your welcome, I do the best I can :)
I really didn't hope that sounded rude....I didn't mean it to be rude. Sadly that kind of seems to be my experience....I miss my girlfriend
Uhhhhhhh i am an ftm god bless you
So.... Interesting *o*
yes I know...they want to feel whole inside...but why may I ask is it the lesbian that does the biggest sacrifice by feeling empty inside by being with a man? I want to puke or choke on my words when I say my boyfriend!
sol wolf you are not obligated to continue a relationship with someone that identifies as a ftm; and I personally fully support your right to living a life that makes YOU happy. The implication that you must stay with such a partner implies a level of sacrifice that is simply disgusting. My opinion: a lesbian (really lesbian) CANNOT be sexually happy in such a relationship. What would your opinion be if a cis man tried to convince a lesbian to be with him because he’s “special” ( had the right D, as some would say :)) )? It really is not that big of a difference. Transmen are still MEN. It’s like those lesbians forcing themselves to have a traditional family with a man in order to please their families.
look up pansexual... it might help with choosing a label. good luck.