I’m a bit confused, a meltdown for me is more than just sensory overload, it’s emotional overload too and involves a lot of crying and screaming. Shutdowns for me are when I go silent/can’t respond, that’s usually sensory overload or overwhelming demands on me. Burnout is when I keep pushing past these cues. My husband has similar patterns except his meltdowns are anger, triggered by a shame response to demands he feels unable to meet. I feel like you described my shutdown as your meltdown and my burnout as your shutdown.
@@CricketGirrl aww I can relate, and my body always feels totally exhausted afterwards! All I have found helpful at that point is to go be on my own to avoid it getting worse. But I am trying to learn my triggers and learn how to avoid letting them built up into a meltdown but it’s hard when external factors outside of my control are involved!
When I shut down, I begin to dissociate from reality, and everything feels very vague and one dimensional. I also disappear into my own fantasy world, and have gone through periods where I can't respond to any emails, texts, and calls, and feel very guilty about it. I think this channel illuminates how important is is to show self compassion in these situations. It is part of healing faster for me.
Just incase you want an opinion on that.. it comes from being raised in a toxic culture of being conditioned to be slave, submissive / servant/ codependent to everyone else's self established and pretended Alpha dominance including God As was twisted and we were taught in the Bible by the Vatican, and the government systems everywhere. Lord by birth over others or serf... Hope you don't mind my 2 cents.. its just what I've experienced. May the power and force of truth set us all free to see it with crystal clarity. ❤❤
a meltdown for me is an intense emotional reaction after a breaking point. A single thing or instance can cause a meltdown or a series of things or circumstances. It's often sensory but also the sensations of intense emotions. So both can add on to each other like I feel emotionally drained and there's horrible florescent lighting and loud noises. The last time I had a meltdown it was because I felt rushed and then the trains weren't running on time, and there's so many things on my mind too, and it just blows, this time very emotionally. In the past, they were more explosive and angry, but since finding out I'm autistic it's turned more emotional/crying. These cries are like a small child. It's wild. I seriously turn into a small sad crying child. I'm 38 almost 39 lol. I don't mind emotional ones as much, cause it's less destructive and scary. Though angry meltdowns and emotional ones can combine, or it can just be anger meltdowns which can have self harm. I hate them, I tend to be a bit of a mess for the several hours or rest of the day. Meltdowns also cause depression. I also hate the emotional regulation and ruminating thoughts that definitely contribute.
I am having a shutdown now. I guess. I taught myself how to say no. I am so good at it now. I do not go out often. I love it. I feel like I have a lot of energy whenever I stay at home. Some people do not understand me though. They want me to socialize and have fun. I've been very honest and would say that I've tried to socialize but I usually end up exhausted and I do not enjoy it at all. Some friends think I do not like them because I do not go with them. But I usually go with friends who understand me and let me sit and have my coffee alone. Friends who appreciate me going to the event and expect me to be me. It is having the right people that matters as well. I hope more people will understand. That we are all different. That having fun is not always about going to parties and meet new friends.
So glad to hear you're learning to say no. It's such an important skill. Have you heard of Hannah Gadsby? She was in an interview one time and the interviewer said, "so would it be stressful to go out for a drink after this?" or something like that. And she said, "no because I wouldn't go." haha I just love that sentiment. Everyone is different! Social events aren't fun for everyone. Keep doing you!
I have gotten migraines my whole life. I would not have called it a shutdown before, but I think it really has just my body saying, "Enough." I tend to get them more when I am overtired or stressed. I need loads of downtime anyway, though I do enjoy being with other people. Thank you for helping me understand myself better.
Sounds like you’ve got some perspective on a challenge you’ve had for a while! So glad I could shed some light. Thanks for watching and for the comment!
Same!!! Constant migraines. Never seen it as sensory overload -> transitioning to “powering down” as you said. Amazing topic. Boundary setting started for me THIS year at 38 after reading the books “Boundaries” and “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”
For me meltdowns are full ballistic.. could be bawling, screaming, hitting walls.. and then I feel physically ill. Shutdowns, for me, are more like short periods of depression.. I don't want to do anything, just still, quiet, mostly unresponsive.. just no energy for anything, even things I like.
I don’t have autism but I find your videos so helpful with my anxiety/depression. This one perfectly describes how I have to manage my time and social life. It’s important to give ourselves permission to say no sometimes. Thank you 🙏🏻
Self discovery as a 30+ y/o is such a weird concept, but I totally get what you mean. I think masking has a significant role in this. The preparedness for the what-if-blank happens plus social expectations seem to stunt an autistic individual's sense of self, due to lack of development. A lot of energy can go into presenting as neurotypical. In some cases, It can even lead to impostor syndrome or an identity crisis of adaptability. It is amazing to have a resource like your channel to learn and model a healthier neurodivergent prospective! Thanks!
I’m 53. Self-discovery never stops. In fact, you’re JUST BEGINNING to know who you are at 29 or 30 because you’ve just REALLY BECOME A GROWN UP by that age. You think 18 is when you grow up because you graduate from school or first leave home for college or perhaps 21 because you get the freedom to drink if you choose to drink. I didn’t, personally because I never liked the way alcohol or drugs made me feel. Likely due to the out of control feeling they gave my mind. I always preferred the focused feeling my mind had. However, I slowly incorporated social drinking here and there and now enjoy a good glass of wine or other spirits when I do choose to spend time out. It was fun determining for myself what I liked and didn’t like. It was neat to allow myself to enjoy the different aspects of socializing in groups or just specific friends and determine what I would do and when. I noticed that the characteristics my friends would draw out of me seemed to be my nurturing qualities. I am an astrologer and have the zodiac sign Cancer on the 11th house. The 11th house is the area of life that includes friendships and Cancer is the zodiac sign that correlates to the family. It felt natural for me to look after my friends and take care of their needs when I was around them. To ask them about their life and give advice. But I didn’t know this until I was at least in my late 30’s. And now that I have two grown children and my oldest is probably your age - she’s 29 and expecting her first baby - I attract all kinds of “kids” in their late 20’s to mid-30’s in the groups I belong to who seek both my knowledge of astrology and my advice. And when I am out, I don’t mind offering both. But when I go home, I turn off my phone and take my down time very seriously because if I don’t I can’t give away myself to anyone. Self-care is my priority when I go home. I have set hours that I view my phone and email. Then, it’s off. For good. I don’t carry it around with me. This is what works for me. You are JUST BEGINNING your journey of self-discovery of who you are. Don’t kid yourself thinking you’re done baking. You’ve got to SHAPE WHO YOU WANT TO BE. I still work at shaping myself because I have a long way to go too. I plan to be here til sometime in my 90’s, so I’ve got at least another 40 years or so to go and must remind myself constantly when I get stubborn that I am in process. We are all becoming something more when we strive to be all we can. And this world needs us to strive. More than ever. The greatest gift you have to give the world is you. You can only do that when you’ve mastered yourself.
I have A LOT of meltdowns. Recently, I have been experiencing one of my first shutdowns. I’m new to all this, and I’m also a mother of 8. Thank you for your bravery of making these segments.
Don’t Be Nice, Be Real is one of my all-time favorite books on the value and importance of boundaries and how to set them. Similar sentiments as Brene Brown with “you think you’re doing this, but actually you are doing that”, non-violent communication skill building, how to stay firm against the push back, and how to encourage a culture of direct and honest communication in your relationships. Love love love it.
You have to like and love yourself before you can like and love others. This is a very important lesson to learn, especially for those of us on the spectrum.
That's hard for me, because if someone treats me like shit, I start to wonder if it's because I'm actually the bad person. I've held on to every negative thing anyone has said about me and every negative reaction they've had to me. Not sure how to let it all go, but my point is it's not easy all the time 😪😭
Thanks. I have learned to limit my social interactions. Too much is just too much. I get burned out, I leave. I try to use my body language and positioning to communicate my boundaries. I really do not like being touched unless it is by a lady where there is mutual interest. And even then it takes time for me to be comfortable. I rarely see relatives as it is just overwhelming and annoying. I need my alone time so I can cool off.
I have recently been looking at myself in the mirror and talking to myself. I have fallen in love with the lady in the mirror, no more negative self talk, if I do, I stop and apologize to myself. I am a visual person so looking myself in the eye, I wrap my arms around myself and we hug and say I love you and forgive you. It's an incredible thing! You can't love others if you don't love yourself, just keep it normal, LOL!
Watched this numerous times, I tear up every time! All my life I have pushed beyond the meltdown, the overload, kept going, auto pilot, kept fawning, until I had nothing left, and got sick....crashed! Feeling safe with myself hits me hard every time! This is huge for me, what a concept, keeping my brain safe! Afterall who else is going to? Just because others think I need to get over it, "fireworks are great", "thunder and lightening is beautiful", NO! Not for me, and that is ok! Thank you! You have no idea how much your videos are helping me with my diagnosis at 58!
Since being introduced to your channel a few hours ago, I've watched a few of your videos already. I'm on a binge watch of your channel. But of all the autistic channels I relate to you the most, not only as a wife and mom (double bonus) but your experiences and such resonate a lot with me. I'm a decade or so older and have not been diagnosed. Yet. It's in the works. But your channel really validates me even more that I might actually be on the spectrum. Thank you for your channel.
I definitely shutdown when I push myself too hard. Especially in my photography work. I have to take weeks off at a time. Sad thing is I keep doing it because photography is one of my special interest
I can't thank you enough, this is it. You've described it so well. Really appreciate the shutdown vid especially because you are in such a different mode with expression and tone, I can actually share this with others. It takes a lot of courage to be this raw on the internet, and I want you to know this is incredibly helpful.
I like how you explained Meltdowns and Shutdowns. See I'm 55 yrs old i was diagnosed in Nov 9 2021. I'm still learning more about them. Since I've unmasked I've been having both 0f them more often.
I live in Nashville and definitely had meltdowns over the shootings and at same time struggled with a once upon a time a friend relationship going sour. Bad storms last night, commitment of service that I love to do today, but realized today that I’m done. Done trying, for now anyway as it’s SO exhausting. Feel like this is shutdown. Feel like Hibernating, avoiding everything and everyone for now and however long needed except my sweet animals.
Jesus lady. This is amazing.wowowow. I think this might the most life changing thing I've ever seen on the internet. I can't tell you how I'm grateful I am.
I can have shorter or more sudden shut downs more when I'm under extreme stress and that is when I go mute. I have seen some autistics in my family have much louder more externalised meltdowns than me, for me I resonate with that very irritable snappy self that feels alot if panic- didn't realise this was also a meltdown so thanks.
I think I’ve subconsciously always been relatively “selfish” and said no to events all my life. However I do beat myself up for it in my head. I would never talk to a friend or even stranger the way I talk to myself and I know this is super common across the board. It’s truly sad. We need to not only listen to our cues grudgingly but with grace. Mothering is the main area where for obvious reasons I cannot be selfish and it shows! My husband travels for work and we have no relatives nearby so it’s all on me when he’s gone and then when he returns I usually completely crash and just lay around for a day or two.
Yep you said it all - lots and lots of grace! I'm learning when I take care of myself FIRST, it's not really selfish at all because it affords me more energy to take care of others. You have great insight!
💜🧡💛 thank you so much... i am 41, and your channel help me so much... discovering myself. So important to put boundaries i have tu learn it. A big thank you from France.... so much gratitude... Take care !
I had some news two weeks ago that's made me face up to my differences and the only way I can describe it is I feel like I'm going through a metamorphosis, one day I'm up the next I'm down, emotions are either switched to eleven or there's just a void, some days I felt I could just explode. I feel like the guy drowning who's just trying to grab the end of the rope. I've fought through things no one should ever have to face, but this is new. Sorry, I feel like I owe you so much right now. I would normally not, but I know this tickles the algorithm. This bloody fight in my head, should I say this, should I not, without concerning anyone, I feel a little like I'm losing my grip, but I have a very strong grip and made it through a lot worse.
Going through a metamorphosis can be exhausting! I think what encourages me is to remember that growth isn't linear. I wish it was a straight line up, but it's a lot of up a little, down a little, up a lot, down a lot, back up again. If we zoom out though, we're all growing and going UPWARDS. Just takes a little perspective adjustment sometimes.
I just wanted to thank you for making these videos. I'm 42 years old and it was suggested to me by my son's autism paediatrician that i should get an autism assessment in 2019. I finally got accepted onto the waiting list this September. I had no clue i was having so many autistic traits until finding your channel. I've gone through so many different diagnoses including manic depression, depersonalisation syndrome and BPD that id given up trying to figure out why ive always felt so "weird". My son is 13 and is over the moon that we both have autism that ive found acceptance of myself after so many years. Knowing how much knowledge of autism would have changed my childhood so much makes me sad for the child i was. Thank you for giving me the knowledge i need so i don't have to wait until an official diagnosis before getting the help I need.
This is the video I needed today. I actually looked after my needs and cancelled a plan today and felt very bad and guilty about it, but you just turned my whole thinking around. I actually noticed I was approaching a meltdown and acted to help myself and that us amazing! :)
This makes so much sense to me now. I think i have had many meltdowns. I just get so irritable and stressed that i don't want to be bothered by anyone in even the slightest, and its hard to not lash out at the people around me. I find i usually go into a meltdown when i have had a more tiring day, guess that's vague but i can usually cope. My work generally speaking can be stressful for me as i have to talk to a lot of people and put on a mask sometimes to be more appealing. Usually i can cope, but sometimes i get so irritable and my spouse has to study music some days and or constantly interrupts me or some other loud, distracting noise and it just sets me off on a meltdown. In the past i had so much patience for these constant discomforts/annoyances, but now it is so tiring.
I have a friend who complained about sensory overload and would meltdown. They would also meltdown when their schedule was thrown off, for instance, the bus was 25 minutes late. Their meltdown involved screaming, complaining how the late bus had thrown everything off and ruined the rest of the day and even ruined the good day they had been having up until that point, everything was now terrible, including me and they would attack me, calling me names, accusing me of being ungrateful, having ulterior motives, of not really liking them and attacking me with biting sarcasm. They would also scream that they hate themselves and hate being this way. I would just be quiet and try not to argue back though sometimes that made them angry too. It would end with them retreating to their room and later usually the next day they would come out apologize and be sweet to me. It was pretty much a pattern. Either the sensory overload would get them or if a pattern they had established was interrupted in some way they would lose it. And, of course, there were instances where it was both. This sounds like autism to me, but could it be something else, like bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, or the effects from a brain trauma they suffered years ago? Is there a way to tell short of trying to get them diagnosed?
I’m so glad I found your channel Taylor. I have never understood emotions or understanding that it’s ok that I could say no. I plunged through life totally incapable of understanding my emotions, and people and relationships. I felt guilt and frustration engulfed my every decision. It has had severe toll on my health. As I watch and listen to your videos, I can look back on my life and realize how difficult things were because I did not know how to take care of myself appropriately. I am now 74 years of age and I feel cheated at not having had the skills to understand about my emotions. When I was incapable of dealing with my emotions, I would just run away from relationships, end friendships, shut down and not communicate at all. I constantly quit jobs because I couldn’t cope. I have never liked socializing, it was just absolutely the most draining, overwhelming, and exhausting thing for me to even think about doing. I didn’t understand why I felt so uncomfortable doing it. I just would beat myself up about it and pushed myself to get out there. My health started to suffer big time. I wish I had known I had autism, it all makes perfect sense as I look back now. My life could have been so different if I had had that diagnosis! I am trying to adjust my reactions differently and not close the door on life anymore, but a lifetime has to be relearned. . I know that 2020 was not a great year but in 2020 it became socially acceptable to socially distance SWEET RELIEF. 2020 was possibly the best year of my life. I had a good excuse for not pushing myself out there. I felt free, I felt rested, but I still did not understand that I could possibly have autism. In retrospect, I wish I could have realized that I had an autistic brain when I was 20 and there was help out there, and I could’ve learned skills to deal with emotions and life before it started to affect my health. I’ve taken the AQ test and I have no doubts and I thank you for providing it. Takes a lot of heavy weight off.
I feel very reassured by a lot of these videos. Personally, I go out socially once a week with family - it's what I feel comfortable with and much more than that can make me feel health repercussions. - It's something I feel guilty about since I love my family very much, and I know they'd appreciate more time with me. Knowing that others - people much more competent than me, restrain themselves similarly - this puts me much more at ease.
Another great video on how to cope with the various challenges many face with Autism that's so beautifully presented, articulated, and with so much love and compassion for the autism community. I can't imagine how amazing I would feel right now knowing all the good content you've created thus far and how many lives you've helped for the better! If I was making the kind of impact like you are on my channel, I honestly couldn't think of anything more fulfilling!
For most of my life I would face what I now understand were autistic shutdowns about every 3-4 years, which continuously magnified. If there had been knowledge, less stigma, and there wasn't this attitude everywhere of "just push through" and having to mask ourselves constantly just to appear "normal" to not be rejected and even resented and hated, millions would be better off, and many would still be alive.
I find it very hard to plan my social activities. Usually I have to cancel them bc when that day comes, I mostly feel drained and exhausted (health issues and overwhelm) and can't even think of socializing. And then again I have some obligations that I accepted and have to atend but then pay a huge price for it. I accepted lots of things bc I've been isolated for too long, in a very unhealthy enviroment, and then I thought I could just jump into social activities "overnight". But now I started cutting off again everthing I can. It's too hard to deal with all the sensitivities plus health issues, I experience all you mentioned very easily. Need some huuuuge boundaries.
Meltdown for me starts manifesting as "completion bias" wherein I cannot stop i then turn zombie until I complete what I'm doing. The shutdown happens once i come out of zombie state.
The starting line metaphor you mentioned made me think of a different but similar one I've been thinking about today. My whole life I've believed I was an apple like everyone else, but now I've discovered I'm actually an orange. I still belong in a fruit salad, but I can't treat myself like an apple anymore. It's been really helpful in thinking about treating my needs differently than how I used to. It's just as valid, but different!
1:51-4:12 yeessss, especially with family for me. I always complied or didn't ask for help with even abusive family situations. However, in my peer group like at school I did not hesitate to say no to everyone & everything. I was like numb or dissociating when I was at school, because of just how overwhelming & scary school was for me.
I've had several shutdowns over the decades, but they were very infrequent and I didn't really connect them (or know it was connected to my still undiagnosed autism). It was only when I got into a relationship that they became more frequent, along with other autistic traits. I had been severely avoidant for most of my life and this meant I was rarely emotionally challenged enough to trigger shutdowns. I am not good at recognising when my boundaries are being pushed too far as I don't know when I'm being unreasonable in my requests, and the person I was with reacted poorly to when I would say our level is contact was too much for me (she has her own insecurities/abandonment issues.) Being human is very complicated sometimes
I think we experance meltdowns in diffent ways . What you would call your a meltdown, sounds like my rumble zone and meltdown is on its way if you cant get your self away from the place , person, situation thats got you to that place that involuntary harmfull stims , solective muitisium , rocking out of control and a title wave of tears and snot . Thats my meltdowns with an overwlming feeling that id rather have the world STOP ( some people do make the world stop here and thats why we have such a high mortality rate) and id rather not experience whats to come for the next hr + but people think you can just go shopping after that .... WRONG! after that i cant handle anyone or cant keep to any commitments and i will sleep for a whole day , wake for a few hrs and still sleep all night becaues of the absolut exhaustion and migraines. Thats my shut down. Im out of order for at least 24hrs and its like a scab, fresh wounds can easily have their scabs knocked off so untill the problems thats causing the stress has been fixed, its meltdown city, losing my voice for days, sensory overload in every area. and self imposed isiolation. I wish my meltdowns was just a tanty as most seem to explain their experience of it and then can get on with their day 20 mins later after having a bout of rage over something real or voice they where not happy with whats happing in a assistive way that NTs find rude.. bad f'n luck . Do we have door mat on our forheads? Im not calling that a meltdown as thats minimizing what alot of us go through and the second we are not up for sugar coating things , thats a NT idea of our meltdowns because it inconveniences them . Oh what bliss that would be for that to be the end of my meltdowns. Just a simple hissy fit! ?
Love this! Really practically helpful. I’m later diagnosed and on a rapid learning curve. I’m currently in week 3 of burnout and quite self aware have been naturally led to looking at my boundaries. This has popped the proverbial cherry on the cake! 🧁 very helpful, affirming and encouraging. Thanks 👍💗 x
For me meltdowns can cause crying and shaking or angry lashouts and screaming if in company. Stress, big emotions, hormones, swinging blood sugars, overworking & sensory overload result to this. Shutdown is more rare but it is being completely nonverbal, can't look into anyones eyes, not being able to be around other people, do decisions or do anything besides lay in bed. Burnout is experiencing both for many days while my life crashes and burns, I don't clean or cook, pay bills, do what is required of me etc.
THANK YOU for explaining the difference between meltdowns and shutdowns. I'm not sure if I have actual meltdowns, tho I do experience that all encompassing exhaustion, etc, of shutdowns. Maybe I'm getting it wrong since I'm so new to this 🤔 I just started suspecting that im autistic when youtube randomly showed one of your videos to me back in Nov/Dec😊 I had never considered it till that, but so much fits, as does add. Your voice is soothingly soft and doesn't hurt. Thanks again
At this point, i just feel like im walking on a street full of large tall walls and turns, the moment i start walking in a certain direction there is a wall..i hurt my head and i keep going the force forces me into other direction and i keep taking turns never really walking in a direction long enough to ever reach somewhere...like I'll just reach nowhere... I'll keep walking though
I don't have a diagnosis but I'm watching you because you make sence to me and it's nice being able to relate. I am subscribed :) Thanks for putting your energy out here, it's appreciated so so much.
Tell corrupt city of Alexandria, Virginia about setting up boundaries. Apparently, it is perfectly OK here to suddenly assault me with multiple hours of 90+ Db construction noise and nothing is ever done about it. I have hypersensory perception. Anything over 60 Db will cause sensory overload. The latest episode was this last Saturday. Noise inside my home was 70 Db. I contacted police to stop the insanity. They never came. I went to talk to the noisy people myself. They refused to stop. The noise there was 95 Db. I collapsed. Managed to contact 911. EMT came with loud car and told me to take an Uber to get back home. I am preparing a lawsuit. That is the only boundary that they will respect. As my Mama has taught me "If you wanna hurt someone real bad, hit them where it hurts the most - on the wallet".
Saying no has been a big thing for me. At my last job I was constantly getting asked to work doubles or come in on my day off, and usually I did it. It burned me out. Now at my current job, I get burned out just by working my normal hours (switching to part time has helped reduce this, but they're trying to get me back on full time now). They've asked me to come in on my day off more than a few times since I started, and I've said no most of the time... especially because half the time they don't even ask, they just put it on the schedule like I don't have a life outside of work. Sometimes I wonder if I'm saying no too much, but honestly this job is exhausting and infuriating so I kinda don't care.
Today I had a meeting today with a spiritual advisor about addressing ableism by one of the pastors in my church. I could feel I was melting down, and I should have ended it, butI was invested in trying to get her to understand the issue so I could get some help with the issue. Long story short, I had a full meltdown - behaviours I hardly EVER do - bawling, rocking, hand waving, vocalizing, and in the end I only came out of it when I clenched my hands so tight that I left nail marks in my hands. For the rest of the day I felt like I had a meltdown hangover, and I feel myself shutting down. I am frustrated because the person I met with sees it as an emotional breakthrough, and a positive step in being vulnerable. Can you suggest information on how they are different, and why meltdowns should be avoided?
If someone said that to me I would be furious, it’s like kicking a dog to get it to bark then passing off that abuse as some how good for the dog. You are more complex than a dog but it was the first analogy that I thought of. They sound totally toxic. Are you sure they are safe? I notice you said you should of ended it, sounds like your instincts were to get away?
@@ArtyAntics Are they safe? I know they WANT to be. In the end (this was almost a year ago) I left that church because I did not feel like I could single handedly impact enough change for me or my ASD kids to be safe. My instincts are often to leave, but I was trying to stick it out and help make things better. In the end I did neither.
Okay, I'm new to all of this so I'm not sure about anything. A bit of background - I discovered a few years ago that I'm a Highly Sensitive Person and that knowledge has answered a lot of questions I've had about myself. Then a couple of months ago both my counselor and the gal who prescribes my anxiety meds mentioned "high functioning autism" to me, seemingly out of the blue. At about the same time I was unfortunate enough to lose Medicare benefits and counselling services, so I'm on my own in this. Regardless, I thought about it for a bit, then started doing some research and taking a few tests online. I was consistently "scoring" over 50% on every test and I can relate to a lot (but certainly not all) of what I've read. It felt as if more pieces of the puzzle that is me were falling into place. Then I had an episode 2 or so weeks ago in which I was experiencing some extreme anxiety and things came to a head. Before I knew what was happening, I was bawling my eyes out and it almost felt like my body was trying to escape itself... if that makes any sense. I felt utterly helpless to control anything that was going and the weirdest thing is that I can't really remember much about it. As far as I know, it could have lasted a few seconds or several minutes. Afterward I was exhausted and dazed, so I laid down for a bit and tried to piece together what I'd just experienced. I'm curious if anyone has any thoughts about this, or possible suggestions for if it happens again? Thank you so much for hearing me out and for any advice or info you can share. ❤
This is one of the main reasons why I'm getting divorced. My wife compulsively pushes past my boundaries and is surprised when I get extremely angry about it. It's not like she doesn't know where the boundaries are located, she hits the same ones just about every single day. And every single day when she claims to not know why I'm so angry I tell her. Her mother even sides with me most of the time because of how ridiculous she's being. Then I spend much of the rest of the day resetting and collecting my energy. Which would be less of an issue if I weren't in college full-time with a full-time job that have things that I need to do as well. But, it's not worth it. I thought that she was capable of holding down a job and filling the few needs that I had, but she's aggressively sought the lowest possible level of behavior she could get away with and I think that pretty much everybody deserves better that the absolutely least amount that they'll accept. Random homeless people and folks on social media have more of a say in my marriage than I do as she can't even fathom the fact that I might be a person with his own thoughts, feelings and opinions.
Hi Tay, this was an excellent video. Boundaries is an amazing topic. I have never really thought about it. I do do things like parties and such and I really am not ready for. I am ok at saying no to many things and some I have difficulty with. My mom gave me a book when I was in High School called “When I Say No I Feel Guilty”. It helped me a lot. I love the boundaries idea. Some of the things I have started doing to stave off meltdowns and shutdowns is trying to unmask in my life. I started wearing noise cancelling headphones when I go out for example. I was embarrassed before, but it has helped so much. We went to an airshow recently and there I was my my Bose headphones on and I really enjoyed myself😀. Sure a few people sort of stared as I was the only one with headphones on, but frankly I don’t care anymore. The headphones have really helped with supermarket trips as well. Fortunately that Apple AirPods Pro’s work well for the market😄. Now I am going to start working on boundaries. As I have said before, one is never too old to learn.
@@MomontheSpectrum Wow so glad I could help! Apple AirPods Pro’s are great for most things and they just make you look cool🤣. I have Bose quiet comfort 35’s and those are the big guns for extra noisy environments. One thing I have which I hate the most is Misophonia. I hate eating noises. It actually causes rage. I am most embarrassed by that. Fortunately my partner doesn’t mind me wearing my Bose whilst eating as well as my sister. Going out to eat has always been a problem for me as one I hear everything so I can’t hear the people I am with and two Misophonia! I have become quite adept at lip reading and I have started to wear my AirPods.
@@bryanmerton5153 impressive! chewing and eating sounds bother me, too. Doesn't sound like to the same extent but it still really irks me to the point that I lose the conversation. Do you find that wearing noise-cancelling headphones causes you to hear your own chewing more loudly? How well do you tolerate that sound?
@@MomontheSpectrum Funny you should say that. With the Bose headphones I do not hear my own chewing. With the AirPods I do. It does bother me😱. It’s funny because the first time I tried the AirPods my sister was over and I just burst out laughing that my own chewing was bothering me. Back to the Bose😂. I think it’s because the Bose is over ear as opposed to in ear. Sometimes you just half to laugh!
I have recently started using my AirPods in the store! It has been life changing! I usually put on an audiobook, sometimes music, sometimes nothing! The shopping is so much less stressful if I use them…
Oh, wow! Boundaries! Yes! Just today I worked up the courage to ask a fairly new friend if she minded if I turned the radio down. She likes country music, pretty loud. I was so relieved and happy that she even volunteered to turn it down herself! For the last month I had been putting up with her choices, though at times I would have to whimper in the back of my throat from the distress of listening. I had not felt I had the right to ask it of her, partly because of a previous relationship. That relative enjoyed Christian music, as LOUD as the radio Could play it. When I had told her it hurt my ears, she suggested I concentrate on the lyrics, not the volume. I couldn't. She was adamant in her right to play her music as loudly as she wanted. Said it recharged her. Maybe for her, not me. I had nowhere I could get away, except a walking/ biking path not far from the house that, eventually left the residential area, out into rural settings. Once beyond the sound of lawnmowers, it was blessedly quiet, mostly. Unless a biker towing a boom box on a small trailer came within a mile or so. Until field work needed to be done. Farm machinery is large and loud, too!
How does everyone deal with funerals for a close family member? I want to do a viewing with the family, but I really, really don’t want to deal with all of the people at the wake or funeral. I’m hoping the family would have both a private AND a public service.😳
Hi, I love your videos. I have ADD and when I listen to you often I have to replay you because you talk so fast. I love your enthusiasm which comes through in your fast talk. Since you are a fellow sufferer, you know how it goes. Is there a way to slow down? I don't mind re-playing if there isn't but I worry I miss some of your pearls of wisdom anyway.
Go to the upper right corner of video on phone and tap. The settings gear icon comes up. Tap it. Scroll down to playback speed. You can change anything slower or faster.
I understand that a meltdown can last for a couple of hours, but how long does a shutdown usually lasts? I have no diagnosis, I don’t even know if I will get one, or that it will be ADHD-I, but I can relate to this very much. I’m wondering if I’m not recovering good enough, because I rarely have the feeling I can handle a lot of sensory input. I also rarely have periods of productively, which frustrates me a lot. I just heard of this yesterday, after reading a lot about executive dysfunction. And I’m not sure what makes more sense for me yet. But I’m definitely struggling with something like these issues. For your information, I’m 46 years old and have only diagnosed with depression half my life ago. It’s going much better now, so I have the space to notice details of what I’m experimenting. I hope it makes sense, English is not my native language. ☺️ Thanks for making these videos, they are very helpful for me! ❤
Hey Taylor, thank you so much for your videos… I’m wondering is it possible for these symptoms to manifest later in life due to circumstances becoming far more challenging and causing more sensory overload? For the last 10 years I have been experiencing extreme reactions and feelings exactly as you describe in your videos about autism and adhd, but in school I coped pretty well- I was a little different to others but I didn’t have huge issues with overstimulation or innattention. Since becoming a mum the symptoms have become really difficult to manage, but I don’t know if I have something because it seemed to develop later on in life? Would appreciate your thoughts as this is all new to me… either way your channel is super helpful
I'm sure the meltdowns are the drivers for domestic violence. That's why stats show higher occurrence of DV amongst the ASD population. Aggression met with counter-aggression.
Finding this hard to listen to as the video seems to be edited and chopped and there is like no space or pause between sentences. It is like information overload dialed to 11.
Thanks for the feedback! In more current videos I am starting to find a better flow. I realize some of my earlier stuff is choppy and harder to listen to.
I usually find your videos helpful, but not this one. I have physical health issues along with mental, & what happens when you say no, even WITH an explanation, us that most people stop inviting u. Most people will not understand your issues, & they will either take offense, or simply forget about u. I've been experiencing this since the 1970's. I'm happy if you have found some exceptions to the norm in your life, but some (most, nearly all?) of us are not that lucky.
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I’m a bit confused, a meltdown for me is more than just sensory overload, it’s emotional overload too and involves a lot of crying and screaming. Shutdowns for me are when I go silent/can’t respond, that’s usually sensory overload or overwhelming demands on me. Burnout is when I keep pushing past these cues. My husband has similar patterns except his meltdowns are anger, triggered by a shame response to demands he feels unable to meet. I feel like you described my shutdown as your meltdown and my burnout as your shutdown.
Autism is a spectrum after all. Your meltdown may be her shut downs 🩷
I too have emotional overload involving crying and screaming and burnout. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing! I cry and scream and hit things. It's so traumatic.
@@CricketGirrl aww I can relate, and my body always feels totally exhausted afterwards! All I have found helpful at that point is to go be on my own to avoid it getting worse. But I am trying to learn my triggers and learn how to avoid letting them built up into a meltdown but it’s hard when external factors outside of my control are involved!
My best days start the day before- anything I can do to lighten the load on my brain: food, hydration, electrolytes exercise...sleep....
When I shut down, I begin to dissociate from reality, and everything feels very vague and one dimensional. I also disappear into my own fantasy world, and have gone through periods where I can't respond to any emails, texts, and calls, and feel very guilty about it. I think this channel illuminates how important is is to show self compassion in these situations. It is part of healing faster for me.
8:03 “why did I ever feel I was responsible for managing other people’s feelings?” THIS!!!!! X100000 😯😎
Just incase you want an opinion on that.. it comes from being raised in a toxic culture of being conditioned to be slave, submissive / servant/ codependent to everyone else's self established and pretended Alpha dominance including God As was twisted and we were taught in the Bible by the Vatican, and the government systems everywhere. Lord by birth over others or serf... Hope you don't mind my 2 cents.. its just what I've experienced. May the power and force of truth set us all free to see it with crystal clarity. ❤❤
a meltdown for me is an intense emotional reaction after a breaking point. A single thing or instance can cause a meltdown or a series of things or circumstances. It's often sensory but also the sensations of intense emotions. So both can add on to each other like I feel emotionally drained and there's horrible florescent lighting and loud noises. The last time I had a meltdown it was because I felt rushed and then the trains weren't running on time, and there's so many things on my mind too, and it just blows, this time very emotionally. In the past, they were more explosive and angry, but since finding out I'm autistic it's turned more emotional/crying. These cries are like a small child. It's wild. I seriously turn into a small sad crying child. I'm 38 almost 39 lol. I don't mind emotional ones as much, cause it's less destructive and scary. Though angry meltdowns and emotional ones can combine, or it can just be anger meltdowns which can have self harm. I hate them, I tend to be a bit of a mess for the several hours or rest of the day. Meltdowns also cause depression. I also hate the emotional regulation and ruminating thoughts that definitely contribute.
This. It's an intense emotional reaction or overload to stress
I relate to this completely
I am having a shutdown now. I guess.
I taught myself how to say no. I am so good at it now. I do not go out often. I love it. I feel like I have a lot of energy whenever I stay at home.
Some people do not understand me though. They want me to socialize and have fun. I've been very honest and would say that I've tried to socialize but I usually end up exhausted and I do not enjoy it at all. Some friends think I do not like them because I do not go with them.
But I usually go with friends who understand me and let me sit and have my coffee alone. Friends who appreciate me going to the event and expect me to be me.
It is having the right people that matters as well.
I hope more people will understand. That we are all different. That having fun is not always about going to parties and meet new friends.
So glad to hear you're learning to say no. It's such an important skill. Have you heard of Hannah Gadsby? She was in an interview one time and the interviewer said, "so would it be stressful to go out for a drink after this?" or something like that. And she said, "no because I wouldn't go." haha I just love that sentiment. Everyone is different! Social events aren't fun for everyone. Keep doing you!
I have gotten migraines my whole life. I would not have called it a shutdown before, but I think it really has just my body saying, "Enough." I tend to get them more when I am overtired or stressed. I need loads of downtime anyway, though I do enjoy being with other people. Thank you for helping me understand myself better.
Sounds like you’ve got some perspective on a challenge you’ve had for a while! So glad I could shed some light. Thanks for watching and for the comment!
Same!!! Constant migraines. Never seen it as sensory overload -> transitioning to “powering down” as you said. Amazing topic. Boundary setting started for me THIS year at 38 after reading the books “Boundaries” and “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”
Me too and especially when I’m stressed now I know it’s because I’m Neurodiverse and I need to self care when this happens
For me meltdowns are full ballistic.. could be bawling, screaming, hitting walls.. and then I feel physically ill. Shutdowns, for me, are more like short periods of depression.. I don't want to do anything, just still, quiet, mostly unresponsive.. just no energy for anything, even things I like.
thanks for sharing your experiences!
Same.
Saying no has been amazing! No to weddings, baby showers, Tupperware parties. Send a gift if necessary but nope not going.
I don’t have autism but I find your videos so helpful with my anxiety/depression. This one perfectly describes how I have to manage my time and social life. It’s important to give ourselves permission to say no sometimes. Thank you 🙏🏻
You're welcome! Thanks for your comment Nancy. Glad you're here.
♥️
Self discovery as a 30+ y/o is such a weird concept, but I totally get what you mean. I think masking has a significant role in this. The preparedness for the what-if-blank happens plus social expectations seem to stunt an autistic individual's sense of self, due to lack of development. A lot of energy can go into presenting as neurotypical. In some cases, It can even lead to impostor syndrome or an identity crisis of adaptability. It is amazing to have a resource like your channel to learn and model a healthier neurodivergent prospective! Thanks!
Thank you for sharing this Robert! You framed it in a really helpful way. And I appreciate your thoughts on the channel as well. ☺️
I’m 53. Self-discovery never stops. In fact, you’re JUST BEGINNING to know who you are at 29 or 30 because you’ve just REALLY BECOME A GROWN UP by that age. You think 18 is when you grow up because you graduate from school or first leave home for college or perhaps 21 because you get the freedom to drink if you choose to drink. I didn’t, personally because I never liked the way alcohol or drugs made me feel. Likely due to the out of control feeling they gave my mind. I always preferred the focused feeling my mind had. However, I slowly incorporated social drinking here and there and now enjoy a good glass of wine or other spirits when I do choose to spend time out. It was fun determining for myself what I liked and didn’t like. It was neat to allow myself to enjoy the different aspects of socializing in groups or just specific friends and determine what I would do and when. I noticed that the characteristics my friends would draw out of me seemed to be my nurturing qualities. I am an astrologer and have the zodiac sign Cancer on the 11th house. The 11th house is the area of life that includes friendships and Cancer is the zodiac sign that correlates to the family. It felt natural for me to look after my friends and take care of their needs when I was around them. To ask them about their life and give advice. But I didn’t know this until I was at least in my late 30’s. And now that I have two grown children and my oldest is probably your age - she’s 29 and expecting her first baby - I attract all kinds of “kids” in their late 20’s to mid-30’s in the groups I belong to who seek both my knowledge of astrology and my advice. And when I am out, I don’t mind offering both. But when I go home, I turn off my phone and take my down time very seriously because if I don’t I can’t give away myself to anyone. Self-care is my priority when I go home. I have set hours that I view my phone and email. Then, it’s off. For good. I don’t carry it around with me. This is what works for me. You are JUST BEGINNING your journey of self-discovery of who you are. Don’t kid yourself thinking you’re done baking. You’ve got to SHAPE WHO YOU WANT TO BE. I still work at shaping myself because I have a long way to go too. I plan to be here til sometime in my 90’s, so I’ve got at least another 40 years or so to go and must remind myself constantly when I get stubborn that I am in process. We are all becoming something more when we strive to be all we can. And this world needs us to strive. More than ever. The greatest gift you have to give the world is you. You can only do that when you’ve mastered yourself.
I have A LOT of meltdowns. Recently, I have been experiencing one of my first shutdowns. I’m new to all this, and I’m also a mother of 8. Thank you for your bravery of making these segments.
Don’t Be Nice, Be Real is one of my all-time favorite books on the value and importance of boundaries and how to set them. Similar sentiments as Brene Brown with “you think you’re doing this, but actually you are doing that”, non-violent communication skill building, how to stay firm against the push back, and how to encourage a culture of direct and honest communication in your relationships. Love love love it.
You have to like and love yourself before you can like and love others. This is a very important lesson to learn, especially for those of us on the spectrum.
💗
That's hard for me, because if someone treats me like shit, I start to wonder if it's because I'm actually the bad person. I've held on to every negative thing anyone has said about me and every negative reaction they've had to me. Not sure how to let it all go, but my point is it's not easy all the time 😪😭
Thanks. I have learned to limit my social interactions. Too much is just too much. I get burned out, I leave.
I try to use my body language and positioning to communicate my boundaries. I really do not like being touched unless it is by a lady where there is mutual interest. And even then it takes time for me to be comfortable.
I rarely see relatives as it is just overwhelming and annoying.
I need my alone time so I can cool off.
I have recently been looking at myself in the mirror and talking to myself. I have fallen in love with the lady in the mirror, no more negative self talk, if I do, I stop and apologize to myself. I am a visual person so looking myself in the eye, I wrap my arms around myself and we hug and say I love you and forgive you. It's an incredible thing! You can't love others if you don't love yourself, just keep it normal, LOL!
Watched this numerous times, I tear up every time! All my life I have pushed beyond the meltdown, the overload, kept going, auto pilot, kept fawning, until I had nothing left, and got sick....crashed! Feeling safe with myself hits me hard every time! This is huge for me, what a concept, keeping my brain safe! Afterall who else is going to? Just because others think I need to get over it, "fireworks are great", "thunder and lightening is beautiful", NO! Not for me, and that is ok!
Thank you! You have no idea how much your videos are helping me with my diagnosis at 58!
I RELATE so well with you. My migranes have reduced drastically since "boundaries"
Since being introduced to your channel a few hours ago, I've watched a few of your videos already. I'm on a binge watch of your channel. But of all the autistic channels I relate to you the most, not only as a wife and mom (double bonus) but your experiences and such resonate a lot with me.
I'm a decade or so older and have not been diagnosed. Yet. It's in the works. But your channel really validates me even more that I might actually be on the spectrum.
Thank you for your channel.
You’re very welcome. Glad you’re here!
I definitely shutdown when I push myself too hard. Especially in my photography work. I have to take weeks off at a time. Sad thing is I keep doing it because photography is one of my special interest
I understand. I do the same thing with my favorite hobbies. They bring me so much joy... until they don't. It's really hard to get the balance right.
I need to get to the place where I can afford to take more time off. …I guess. 😅
I can't thank you enough, this is it. You've described it so well. Really appreciate the shutdown vid especially because you are in such a different mode with expression and tone, I can actually share this with others. It takes a lot of courage to be this raw on the internet, and I want you to know this is incredibly helpful.
So glad it is helpful to you. Thanks for the feedback.
I like how you explained Meltdowns and Shutdowns. See I'm 55 yrs old i was diagnosed in Nov 9 2021. I'm still learning more about them. Since I've unmasked I've been having both 0f them more often.
I live in Nashville and definitely had meltdowns over the shootings and at same time struggled with a once upon a time a friend relationship going sour. Bad storms last night, commitment of service that I love to do today, but realized today that I’m done. Done trying, for now anyway as it’s SO exhausting. Feel like this is shutdown. Feel like Hibernating, avoiding everything and everyone for now and however long needed except my sweet animals.
Jesus lady. This is amazing.wowowow. I think this might the most life changing thing I've ever seen on the internet. I can't tell you how I'm grateful I am.
I can have shorter or more sudden shut downs more when I'm under extreme stress and that is when I go mute. I have seen some autistics in my family have much louder more externalised meltdowns than me, for me I resonate with that very irritable snappy self that feels alot if panic- didn't realise this was also a meltdown so thanks.
I think I’ve subconsciously always been relatively “selfish” and said no to events all my life. However I do beat myself up for it in my head. I would never talk to a friend or even stranger the way I talk to myself and I know this is super common across the board. It’s truly sad. We need to not only listen to our cues grudgingly but with grace.
Mothering is the main area where for obvious reasons I cannot be selfish and it shows! My husband travels for work and we have no relatives nearby so it’s all on me when he’s gone and then when he returns I usually completely crash and just lay around for a day or two.
Yep you said it all - lots and lots of grace! I'm learning when I take care of myself FIRST, it's not really selfish at all because it affords me more energy to take care of others. You have great insight!
This has helped me understand the difference between the 2 better. Especially now, with what I am going through in my life right now.
💜🧡💛 thank you so much... i am 41, and your channel help me so much... discovering myself. So important to put boundaries i have tu learn it. A big thank you from France.... so much gratitude... Take care !
I had some news two weeks ago that's made me face up to my differences and the only way I can describe it is I feel like I'm going through a metamorphosis, one day I'm up the next I'm down, emotions are either switched to eleven or there's just a void, some days I felt I could just explode. I feel like the guy drowning who's just trying to grab the end of the rope. I've fought through things no one should ever have to face, but this is new. Sorry, I feel like I owe you so much right now. I would normally not, but I know this tickles the algorithm. This bloody fight in my head, should I say this, should I not, without concerning anyone, I feel a little like I'm losing my grip, but I have a very strong grip and made it through a lot worse.
Going through a metamorphosis can be exhausting! I think what encourages me is to remember that growth isn't linear. I wish it was a straight line up, but it's a lot of up a little, down a little, up a lot, down a lot, back up again. If we zoom out though, we're all growing and going UPWARDS. Just takes a little perspective adjustment sometimes.
I just wanted to thank you for making these videos. I'm 42 years old and it was suggested to me by my son's autism paediatrician that i should get an autism assessment in 2019. I finally got accepted onto the waiting list this September. I had no clue i was having so many autistic traits until finding your channel. I've gone through so many different diagnoses including manic depression, depersonalisation syndrome and BPD that id given up trying to figure out why ive always felt so "weird". My son is 13 and is over the moon that we both have autism that ive found acceptance of myself after so many years. Knowing how much knowledge of autism would have changed my childhood so much makes me sad for the child i was. Thank you for giving me the knowledge i need so i don't have to wait until an official diagnosis before getting the help I need.
This is the video I needed today. I actually looked after my needs and cancelled a plan today and felt very bad and guilty about it, but you just turned my whole thinking around. I actually noticed I was approaching a meltdown and acted to help myself and that us amazing! :)
This makes so much sense to me now. I think i have had many meltdowns. I just get so irritable and stressed that i don't want to be bothered by anyone in even the slightest, and its hard to not lash out at the people around me. I find i usually go into a meltdown when i have had a more tiring day, guess that's vague but i can usually cope. My work generally speaking can be stressful for me as i have to talk to a lot of people and put on a mask sometimes to be more appealing. Usually i can cope, but sometimes i get so irritable and my spouse has to study music some days and or constantly interrupts me or some other loud, distracting noise and it just sets me off on a meltdown. In the past i had so much patience for these constant discomforts/annoyances, but now it is so tiring.
I needed this encouragement for owning my limits and boundarying accordingly. Thanks!
7:44 all of the above, except not wanting to help. I really DO.
I have a friend who complained about sensory overload and would meltdown. They would also meltdown when their schedule was thrown off, for instance, the bus was 25 minutes late. Their meltdown involved screaming, complaining how the late bus had thrown everything off and ruined the rest of the day and even ruined the good day they had been having up until that point, everything was now terrible, including me and they would attack me, calling me names, accusing me of being ungrateful, having ulterior motives, of not really liking them and attacking me with biting sarcasm. They would also scream that they hate themselves and hate being this way. I would just be quiet and try not to argue back though sometimes that made them angry too. It would end with them retreating to their room and later usually the next day they would come out apologize and be sweet to me. It was pretty much a pattern. Either the sensory overload would get them or if a pattern they had established was interrupted in some way they would lose it. And, of course, there were instances where it was both. This sounds like autism to me, but could it be something else, like bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, or the effects from a brain trauma they suffered years ago? Is there a way to tell short of trying to get them diagnosed?
I’m so glad I found your channel Taylor. I have never understood emotions or understanding that it’s ok that I could say no. I plunged through life totally incapable of understanding my emotions, and people and relationships. I felt guilt and frustration engulfed my every decision. It has had severe toll on my health. As I watch and listen to your videos, I can look back on my life and realize how difficult things were because I did not know how to take care of myself appropriately. I am now 74 years of age and I feel cheated at not having had the skills to understand about my emotions. When I was incapable of dealing with my emotions, I would just run away from relationships, end friendships, shut down and not communicate at all. I constantly quit jobs because I couldn’t cope. I have never liked socializing, it was just absolutely the most draining, overwhelming, and exhausting thing for me to even think about doing. I didn’t understand why I felt so uncomfortable doing it. I just would beat myself up about it and pushed myself to get out there. My health started to suffer big time. I wish I had known I had autism, it all makes perfect sense as I look back now. My life could have been so different if I had had that diagnosis! I am trying to adjust my reactions differently and not close the door on life anymore, but a lifetime has to be relearned. . I know that 2020 was not a great year but in 2020 it became socially acceptable to socially distance SWEET RELIEF. 2020 was possibly the best year of my life. I had a good excuse for not pushing myself out there. I felt free, I felt rested, but I still did not understand that I could possibly have autism. In retrospect, I wish I could have realized that I had an autistic brain when I was 20 and there was help out there, and I could’ve learned skills to deal with emotions and life before it started to affect my health. I’ve taken the AQ test and I have no doubts and I thank you for providing it. Takes a lot of heavy weight off.
I feel very reassured by a lot of these videos. Personally, I go out socially once a week with family - it's what I feel comfortable with and much more than that can make me feel health repercussions. - It's something I feel guilty about since I love my family very much, and I know they'd appreciate more time with me. Knowing that others - people much more competent than me, restrain themselves similarly - this puts me much more at ease.
Another great video on how to cope with the various challenges many face with Autism that's so beautifully presented, articulated, and with so much love and compassion for the autism community. I can't imagine how amazing I would feel right now knowing all the good content you've created thus far and how many lives you've helped for the better! If I was making the kind of impact like you are on my channel, I honestly couldn't think of anything more fulfilling!
For most of my life I would face what I now understand were autistic shutdowns about every 3-4 years, which continuously magnified. If there had been knowledge, less stigma, and there wasn't this attitude everywhere of "just push through" and having to mask ourselves constantly just to appear "normal" to not be rejected and even resented and hated, millions would be better off, and many would still be alive.
I find it very hard to plan my social activities. Usually I have to cancel them bc when that day comes, I mostly feel drained and exhausted (health issues and overwhelm) and can't even think of socializing. And then again I have some obligations that I accepted and have to atend but then pay a huge price for it. I accepted lots of things bc I've been isolated for too long, in a very unhealthy enviroment, and then I thought I could just jump into social activities "overnight". But now I started cutting off again everthing I can. It's too hard to deal with all the sensitivities plus health issues, I experience all you mentioned very easily. Need some huuuuge boundaries.
Meltdown for me starts manifesting as "completion bias" wherein I cannot stop i then turn zombie until I complete what I'm doing. The shutdown happens once i come out of zombie state.
Wow u made me cry, because I'm so sad that i did that to myself
The starting line metaphor you mentioned made me think of a different but similar one I've been thinking about today.
My whole life I've believed I was an apple like everyone else, but now I've discovered I'm actually an orange. I still belong in a fruit salad, but I can't treat myself like an apple anymore. It's been really helpful in thinking about treating my needs differently than how I used to. It's just as valid, but different!
1:51-4:12 yeessss, especially with family for me. I always complied or didn't ask for help with even abusive family situations. However, in my peer group like at school I did not hesitate to say no to everyone & everything. I was like numb or dissociating when I was at school, because of just how overwhelming & scary school was for me.
I've had several shutdowns over the decades, but they were very infrequent and I didn't really connect them (or know it was connected to my still undiagnosed autism). It was only when I got into a relationship that they became more frequent, along with other autistic traits. I had been severely avoidant for most of my life and this meant I was rarely emotionally challenged enough to trigger shutdowns.
I am not good at recognising when my boundaries are being pushed too far as I don't know when I'm being unreasonable in my requests, and the person I was with reacted poorly to when I would say our level is contact was too much for me (she has her own insecurities/abandonment issues.) Being human is very complicated sometimes
thats why I stayed home today. I felt so tired and everything hurt. After I slept awhile I feel better.
I feel like I’ve been experiencing shutdowns in school (going monotonous, more tired than usual, more prone ti crying)
I think we experance meltdowns in diffent ways .
What you would call your a meltdown, sounds like my rumble zone and meltdown is on its way if you cant get your self away from the place , person, situation thats got you to that place that involuntary harmfull stims , solective muitisium , rocking out of control and a title wave of tears and snot . Thats my meltdowns with an overwlming feeling that id rather have the world STOP ( some people do make the world stop here and thats why we have such a high mortality rate) and id rather not experience whats to come for the next hr + but people think you can just go shopping after that .... WRONG! after that i cant handle anyone or cant keep to any commitments and i will sleep for a whole day , wake for a few hrs and still sleep all night becaues of the absolut exhaustion and migraines. Thats my shut down.
Im out of order for at least 24hrs and its like a scab, fresh wounds can easily have their scabs knocked off so untill the problems thats causing the stress has been fixed, its meltdown city, losing my voice for days, sensory overload in every area. and self imposed isiolation.
I wish my meltdowns was just a tanty as most seem to explain their experience of it and then can get on with their day 20 mins later after having a bout of rage over something real or voice they where not happy with whats happing in a assistive way that NTs find rude.. bad f'n luck . Do we have door mat on our forheads?
Im not calling that a meltdown as thats minimizing what alot of us go through and the second we are not up for sugar coating things , thats a NT idea of our meltdowns because it inconveniences them .
Oh what bliss that would be for that to be the end of my meltdowns.
Just a simple hissy fit! ?
"People don't like it when you set boundaries."
Well, this weekend I just got punched in the face for setting boundaries.
Guess you're right.
Love this! Really practically helpful. I’m later diagnosed and on a rapid learning curve. I’m currently in week 3 of burnout and quite self aware have been naturally led to looking at my boundaries. This has popped the proverbial cherry on the cake! 🧁 very helpful, affirming and encouraging. Thanks 👍💗 x
For me meltdowns can cause crying and shaking or angry lashouts and screaming if in company. Stress, big emotions, hormones, swinging blood sugars, overworking & sensory overload result to this. Shutdown is more rare but it is being completely nonverbal, can't look into anyones eyes, not being able to be around other people, do decisions or do anything besides lay in bed. Burnout is experiencing both for many days while my life crashes and burns, I don't clean or cook, pay bills, do what is required of me etc.
THANK YOU for explaining the difference between meltdowns and shutdowns. I'm not sure if I have actual meltdowns, tho I do experience that all encompassing exhaustion, etc, of shutdowns. Maybe I'm getting it wrong since I'm so new to this 🤔 I just started suspecting that im autistic when youtube randomly showed one of your videos to me back in Nov/Dec😊 I had never considered it till that, but so much fits, as does add.
Your voice is soothingly soft and doesn't hurt.
Thanks again
You explain things extremely well thank you xxx
you're very welcome
This is so true and so necessary! 🙏
At this point, i just feel like im walking on a street full of large tall walls and turns, the moment i start walking in a certain direction there is a wall..i hurt my head and i keep going the force forces me into other direction and i keep taking turns never really walking in a direction long enough to ever reach somewhere...like I'll just reach nowhere... I'll keep walking though
This is a video I really needed right now. Great insights.
I don't have a diagnosis but I'm watching you because you make sence to me and it's nice being able to relate. I am subscribed :) Thanks for putting your energy out here, it's appreciated so so much.
You’re so welcome! Thanks for taking the time to share this with me.
Tell corrupt city of Alexandria, Virginia about setting up boundaries. Apparently, it is perfectly OK here to suddenly assault me with multiple hours of 90+ Db construction noise and nothing is ever done about it. I have hypersensory perception. Anything over 60 Db will cause sensory overload. The latest episode was this last Saturday. Noise inside my home was 70 Db. I contacted police to stop the insanity. They never came. I went to talk to the noisy people myself. They refused to stop. The noise there was 95 Db. I collapsed. Managed to contact 911. EMT came with loud car and told me to take an Uber to get back home. I am preparing a lawsuit. That is the only boundary that they will respect. As my Mama has taught me "If you wanna hurt someone real bad, hit them where it hurts the most - on the wallet".
Boundaries only bother those who were taking advantage of your not having any.... aka people users/ Narcissists.
How do boundaries make people uncomfortable it's literally respecting someone's consent
Saying no has been a big thing for me. At my last job I was constantly getting asked to work doubles or come in on my day off, and usually I did it. It burned me out. Now at my current job, I get burned out just by working my normal hours (switching to part time has helped reduce this, but they're trying to get me back on full time now). They've asked me to come in on my day off more than a few times since I started, and I've said no most of the time... especially because half the time they don't even ask, they just put it on the schedule like I don't have a life outside of work. Sometimes I wonder if I'm saying no too much, but honestly this job is exhausting and infuriating so I kinda don't care.
Today I had a meeting today with a spiritual advisor about addressing ableism by one of the pastors in my church. I could feel I was melting down, and I should have ended it, butI was invested in trying to get her to understand the issue so I could get some help with the issue. Long story short, I had a full meltdown - behaviours I hardly EVER do - bawling, rocking, hand waving, vocalizing, and in the end I only came out of it when I clenched my hands so tight that I left nail marks in my hands. For the rest of the day I felt like I had a meltdown hangover, and I feel myself shutting down. I am frustrated because the person I met with sees it as an emotional breakthrough, and a positive step in being vulnerable. Can you suggest information on how they are different, and why meltdowns should be avoided?
If someone said that to me I would be furious, it’s like kicking a dog to get it to bark then passing off that abuse as some how good for the dog. You are more complex than a dog but it was the first analogy that I thought of. They sound totally toxic. Are you sure they are safe? I notice you said you should of ended it, sounds like your instincts were to get away?
@@ArtyAntics Are they safe? I know they WANT to be. In the end (this was almost a year ago) I left that church because I did not feel like I could single handedly impact enough change for me or my ASD kids to be safe. My instincts are often to leave, but I was trying to stick it out and help make things better. In the end I did neither.
Okay, I'm new to all of this so I'm not sure about anything. A bit of background - I discovered a few years ago that I'm a Highly Sensitive Person and that knowledge has answered a lot of questions I've had about myself. Then a couple of months ago both my counselor and the gal who prescribes my anxiety meds mentioned "high functioning autism" to me, seemingly out of the blue. At about the same time I was unfortunate enough to lose Medicare benefits and counselling services, so I'm on my own in this. Regardless, I thought about it for a bit, then started doing some research and taking a few tests online. I was consistently "scoring" over 50% on every test and I can relate to a lot (but certainly not all) of what I've read. It felt as if more pieces of the puzzle that is me were falling into place. Then I had an episode 2 or so weeks ago in which I was experiencing some extreme anxiety and things came to a head. Before I knew what was happening, I was bawling my eyes out and it almost felt like my body was trying to escape itself... if that makes any sense. I felt utterly helpless to control anything that was going and the weirdest thing is that I can't really remember much about it. As far as I know, it could have lasted a few seconds or several minutes. Afterward I was exhausted and dazed, so I laid down for a bit and tried to piece together what I'd just experienced. I'm curious if anyone has any thoughts about this, or possible suggestions for if it happens again? Thank you so much for hearing me out and for any advice or info you can share. ❤
hoping this works as i have tried setting them but no success and hearing this tips should hopefully work ty
This is one of the main reasons why I'm getting divorced. My wife compulsively pushes past my boundaries and is surprised when I get extremely angry about it. It's not like she doesn't know where the boundaries are located, she hits the same ones just about every single day. And every single day when she claims to not know why I'm so angry I tell her. Her mother even sides with me most of the time because of how ridiculous she's being.
Then I spend much of the rest of the day resetting and collecting my energy. Which would be less of an issue if I weren't in college full-time with a full-time job that have things that I need to do as well.
But, it's not worth it. I thought that she was capable of holding down a job and filling the few needs that I had, but she's aggressively sought the lowest possible level of behavior she could get away with and I think that pretty much everybody deserves better that the absolutely least amount that they'll accept. Random homeless people and folks on social media have more of a say in my marriage than I do as she can't even fathom the fact that I might be a person with his own thoughts, feelings and opinions.
Hi Tay, this was an excellent video. Boundaries is an amazing topic. I have never really thought about it. I do do things like parties and such and I really am not ready for. I am ok at saying no to many things and some I have difficulty with. My mom gave me a book when I was in High School called “When I Say No I Feel Guilty”. It helped me a lot. I love the boundaries idea. Some of the things I have started doing to stave off meltdowns and shutdowns is trying to unmask in my life. I started wearing noise cancelling headphones when I go out for example. I was embarrassed before, but it has helped so much. We went to an airshow recently and there I was my my Bose headphones on and I really enjoyed myself😀. Sure a few people sort of stared as I was the only one with headphones on, but frankly I don’t care anymore. The headphones have really helped with supermarket trips as well. Fortunately that Apple AirPods Pro’s work well for the market😄. Now I am going to start working on boundaries. As I have said before, one is never too old to learn.
Love your attitude! I have a pair of headphones myself and am encouraged to be more brave in where I wear them after hearing from you! Thanks Bryan!
@@MomontheSpectrum Wow so glad I could help! Apple AirPods Pro’s are great for most things and they just make you look cool🤣. I have Bose quiet comfort 35’s and those are the big guns for extra noisy environments. One thing I have which I hate the most is Misophonia. I hate eating noises. It actually causes rage. I am most embarrassed by that. Fortunately my partner doesn’t mind me wearing my Bose whilst eating as well as my sister. Going out to eat has always been a problem for me as one I hear everything so I can’t hear the people I am with and two Misophonia! I have become quite adept at lip reading and I have started to wear my AirPods.
@@bryanmerton5153 impressive! chewing and eating sounds bother me, too. Doesn't sound like to the same extent but it still really irks me to the point that I lose the conversation. Do you find that wearing noise-cancelling headphones causes you to hear your own chewing more loudly? How well do you tolerate that sound?
@@MomontheSpectrum Funny you should say that. With the Bose headphones I do not hear my own chewing. With the AirPods I do. It does bother me😱. It’s funny because the first time I tried the AirPods my sister was over and I just burst out laughing that my own chewing was bothering me. Back to the Bose😂. I think it’s because the Bose is over ear as opposed to in ear. Sometimes you just half to laugh!
I have recently started using my AirPods in the store! It has been life changing! I usually put on an audiobook, sometimes music, sometimes nothing! The shopping is so much less stressful if I use them…
Oh, wow! Boundaries! Yes! Just today I worked up the courage to ask a fairly new friend if she minded if I turned the radio down. She likes country music, pretty loud. I was so relieved and happy that she even volunteered to turn it down herself! For the last month I had been putting up with her choices, though at times I would have to whimper in the back of my throat from the distress of listening. I had not felt I had the right to ask it of her, partly because of a previous relationship.
That relative enjoyed Christian music, as LOUD as the radio Could play it. When I had told her it hurt my ears, she suggested I concentrate on the lyrics, not the volume. I couldn't. She was adamant in her right to play her music as loudly as she wanted. Said it recharged her. Maybe for her, not me. I had nowhere I could get away, except a walking/ biking path not far from the house that, eventually left the residential area, out into rural settings. Once beyond the sound of lawnmowers, it was blessedly quiet, mostly. Unless a biker towing a boom box on a small trailer came within a mile or so. Until field work needed to be done. Farm machinery is large and loud, too!
I think meltdowns and shutdowns can happen to everyone, not just autistic people if they don’t listen to their bodies and souls needs.
How does everyone deal with funerals for a close family member? I want to do a viewing with the family, but I really, really don’t want to deal with all of the people at the wake or funeral. I’m hoping the family would have both a private AND a public service.😳
Thank you so much 💓
You’re welcome Linda!
What when you can't say no despite the incoming meltdown ?
Hi, I love your videos. I have ADD and when I listen to you often I have to replay you because you talk so fast. I love your enthusiasm which comes through in your fast talk. Since you are a fellow sufferer, you know how it goes. Is there a way to slow down? I don't mind re-playing if there isn't but I worry I miss some of your pearls of wisdom anyway.
I think you can change the playback speed?
Go to the upper right corner of video on phone and tap. The settings gear icon comes up. Tap it. Scroll down to playback speed. You can change anything slower or faster.
I understand that a meltdown can last for a couple of hours, but how long does a shutdown usually lasts?
I have no diagnosis, I don’t even know if I will get one, or that it will be ADHD-I, but I can relate to this very much. I’m wondering if I’m not recovering good enough, because I rarely have the feeling I can handle a lot of sensory input. I also rarely have periods of productively, which frustrates me a lot.
I just heard of this yesterday, after reading a lot about executive dysfunction. And I’m not sure what makes more sense for me yet. But I’m definitely struggling with something like these issues.
For your information, I’m 46 years old and have only diagnosed with depression half my life ago. It’s going much better now, so I have the space to notice details of what I’m experimenting. I hope it makes sense, English is not my native language. ☺️
Thanks for making these videos, they are very helpful for me! ❤
Hey Taylor, thank you so much for your videos… I’m wondering is it possible for these symptoms to manifest later in life due to circumstances becoming far more challenging and causing more sensory overload? For the last 10 years I have been experiencing extreme reactions and feelings exactly as you describe in your videos about autism and adhd, but in school I coped pretty well- I was a little different to others but I didn’t have huge issues with overstimulation or innattention. Since becoming a mum the symptoms have become really difficult to manage, but I don’t know if I have something because it seemed to develop later on in life? Would appreciate your thoughts as this is all new to me… either way your channel is super helpful
the edits though me ro chaos
Both happen to me
Cannabis helps me out a lot tbh
Thanks for sharing!
@@MomontheSpectrum You're welcome. I take an edible and I get through a day without having a meltdown
I'm sure the meltdowns are the drivers for domestic violence.
That's why stats show higher occurrence of DV amongst the ASD population.
Aggression met with counter-aggression.
Finding this hard to listen to as the video seems to be edited and chopped and there is like no space or pause between sentences. It is like information overload dialed to 11.
Thanks for the feedback! In more current videos I am starting to find a better flow. I realize some of my earlier stuff is choppy and harder to listen to.
Xdddddd
I usually find your videos helpful, but not this one. I have physical health issues along with mental, & what happens when you say no, even WITH an explanation, us that most people stop inviting u. Most people will not understand your issues, & they will either take offense, or simply forget about u. I've been experiencing this since the 1970's. I'm happy if you have found some exceptions to the norm in your life, but some (most, nearly all?) of us are not that lucky.