"Well, my daughter said that she wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day. So I'm marrying her off to a prince to improve political relations with Spain."
I recall being at a "viewing" at a funeral home. The brother of the deceased spent the entire time handing out business cards for his construction business.
"There has been some protests about this couple being married, the groom has been challenge to a duel, which will take place immediately. May the best man win."
Boyfriend: will you marry me? Girlfriend: And now at last it comes. You will give me the Ring freely! In place of the Dark Lord you will have a Queen. And I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain! Dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning! Stronger than the foundations of the earth. All shall love me and despair!
No matter the calls to make this a day of celebration, it cannot overcome our grief at the tragedy which has brought us here. We must persevere nonetheless. That being said: Do you take this man...
Milton Jones --genius and reality visitor ! Loved the Vera joke ! I lost control at that point ! MTW , now an institution ! Where’s Wally ? Now we know where he is !!!🤣🤣
I once had a teacher who moonlighted as some kind of clergyman, doing weddings and funerals. He was a really cynical person. He once told the class that having seen marriages at either end, every time he was marring a couple he was tempted to laugh at them and say "You do know this is going to end badly!"
I cannot watch any part of this show without a) thinking of my late father, who adored it, or b) snorting with laughter in a rather embarrassing fashion.
Now today is an incredibly sad day for us all... but for some reason, the wife calls it “the happiest day of our lives” She could’ve at least pretended to be upset at my grandad’s funeral.
"I think it's very arrogant of the John to proclaim himself to be the" best man" here today when I raised 10 grand for charity last year. Best man, my arse!"
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness in the joining of two people, and to mourn the dearly departed. I'm sorry we had to combine the two, but it was the only way either family could afford their wedding and funeral."
mandy c , they tell me it's a grave business, & do feel boxed in sometimes, make no bones about. Apparently, they died coffin, we all thought that was a bit stiff
I remembered my innocence days at the pasts three funeral i went. I was trying hard not to laugh at the people who cried like a dying whale and snot coming out their nose.. It was pretty disgusting though.. I admit i over come those feeling of wanting to wrecking havoc on them all.. The feeling that wanting to kill small cute animals kind of thing. It was so sad and pathetic looking that you want to end their misery to make them stop making you feel that way.. Ya know.. - not a serial killer.
Were here today to say goobye to a great man, a free man, a man who wowed all the ladies, we will all miss that side of terry... I now pronounce you husband and wife..
You know this is the happiest day of my life. I'm finally giving little sally away. No more school runs. No more tea parties. Thank you. Thank you Jesus for taking that little bundle of shit with you. Drinks on me lads!
Vera by name, he was about to say "veerer by nature", she had a habit of swerving on the road and driving her car on the wrong side of the road. She died from a head on collision with another car.
"In three! Two! One! CATCH THE BOUQUET!"
'Sarah, that was grandma's urn.'
We gathering together to witness the joining of Bob and Mary... and the passing of Mary's Dad... Who said, "you can marry her over my dead body..."
One wedding and a funeral!
😂😂😂
😂😂😂👍👍
Brilliant
“Gary, get the forklift!” gets me every time.
I always wanted to feel like a princess on my wedding day...which is why I’m marrying my cousin.
Ms Molly I am from Tasmania 😆😆😆😆
🤣🤣
"Well, my daughter said that she wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day. So I'm marrying her off to a prince to improve political relations with Spain."
Hahahahahaaa good one
Sweet Home Alabama
I recall being at a "viewing" at a funeral home. The brother of the deceased spent the entire time handing out business cards for his construction business.
Be ironic if he died in a workplace accident.
My crane will NEVER fall on you
The grind never stops 💯
He really dug a hole for himself there.
no one was going to beat Miltons first joke here! absolute genius!
Milton freaking sucks. He is so boring. He's just a crappy imitation of Mitch Hedberg. Worst pun comedian since Carrot Top..
@@gothix5868 so , resigning from the Milton Jones Fan Club, are you ?
His act is crap.
Except his other ones.
"There has been some protests about this couple being married, the groom has been challenge to a duel, which will take place immediately. May the best man win."
"Sadly, today we all know exactly where Wally is."
😂
I don't get it
@@platinumfalcon798 wally is from a popular book where he is hidden somewhere and you have to find him. He is also known as waldo.
“Alright! Whose idea was it to make Gollum the ring bearer!?”
Geek Week 🤣
Boyfriend: will you marry me?
Girlfriend: And now at last it comes. You will give me the Ring freely! In place of the Dark Lord you will have a Queen. And I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain! Dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning! Stronger than the foundations of the earth. All shall love me and despair!
Geek Week. Class 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
lol
@@lisahenry20 Yes, Cate Blanchett has one hell of a wedding video...
I was thinking how this was a really unique one as the prompt is two very different scenarios. Glad Ed called them out on it!
“Traditionally, at a Jewish wedding, a glass is broken at the altar but, due to the nature of the marriage, the bride’s water broke instead”
No matter the calls to make this a day of celebration, it cannot overcome our grief at the tragedy which has brought us here. We must persevere nonetheless.
That being said: Do you take this man...
PokerJoker811 😄 I was wondering why none of them went with this theme for their joke ... Such an obvious one given the subject ..
r/murderedbywords
@@SabeerAbdulla Maybe a couple of them have done it before?
*Looks down at the coffin*
"Well, he won't do that again."
Some may think it is a bit early for a widow to remarry but hey we're all in church with flowers and a priest.
"The irony of it all is, that he choked to death on a lifesaver."
This is the first one where I’ve seen Milton do half normal jokes😂
In the name of the father, the son, in the hole he goes.
OK this is one of my favourites
Dave Allen classic
Spectacles Testicles Wallet Watch
Amen
Mt sister is getting married this year and I'm giving her away. I might steal the auction part for my speech :P
Yeah, that sounds good. Treating your sister like chattel
Update us on how it goes pls
@@CrisSelene funny tho
@@CrisSelene Treating your sister like chattel .......... r/whoosh
"We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Peter. On a positive note, I'm here to present Peter with his posthumous Darwin Award."
"At this difficult time, I would like to thank everyone here for the plethora of kind words. It means a lot."
Milton Jones --genius and reality visitor ! Loved the Vera joke ! I lost control at that point ! MTW , now an institution ! Where’s Wally ? Now we know where he is !!!🤣🤣
I didn't get that vera joke
Vera is a play on words . To veer means to move about changing direction, hence a veerer is someone who ............
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, sweep grandma under the rug, I knew I'd knock that urn off the shelf.
As it is a tradition you all know in our family... The lucky woman who catches the bouquet...
Gets to leave the funeral early
Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust. Don’t walk using WhatsApp, or get hit by a bus.
That one made me laugh
James Potter you have a great name
Asses to ashes, tits to dust...
0:12 I was drinking a hot cup of coffee when Milton delivered that first punchline - wrong move on my part! 😀☕
When Milton walks up, put the coffee, tea, or other hot beverage down. He normally pauses long enough for you to do so.
“Even though he died by auto erotic mishap, we should always remember him as a skilled multitasker.”
Milton's "Vera by name..." joke is genius.
I once had a teacher who moonlighted as some kind of clergyman, doing weddings and funerals. He was a really cynical person. He once told the class that having seen marriages at either end, every time he was marring a couple he was tempted to laugh at them and say "You do know this is going to end badly!"
Milton and Ed owned this round
I cannot watch any part of this show without a) thinking of my late father, who adored it, or b) snorting with laughter in a rather embarrassing fashion.
I hear granny used to enjoy relaxing with some ice tea.
Yes. She particularly enjoyed _'O.G. Original Gangster'._
"My mind is a hand grenade... Catch."
the last one was the best XD
Milton definitely won this one
Milton and Ed saved this segment.
Hugh was good too, but Milton 😘
I've actually enjoyed almost all of their jokes, good bit.
They should have just stopped it after Milton's first joke. Nothing was better.
Kerry Godliman!
The heroin joke was funny tho
''Just before we start i'm just going to take a selfie with the coffin''
As the judge said to the bigamist - you can’t have your Kate and Edith, too!
Unless Kate and Edith are Angela Barnes and Kerry Godliman!
That first joke cracks me up everytime 😂🤣
Ed, Ed! What were you thinking mate! (Ok yeah I laughed)? 😂
Now today is an incredibly sad day for us all... but for some reason, the wife calls it “the happiest day of our lives”
She could’ve at least pretended to be upset at my grandad’s funeral.
"I think it's very arrogant of the John to proclaim himself to be the" best man" here today when I raised 10 grand for charity last year. Best man, my arse!"
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness in the joining of two people, and to mourn the dearly departed. I'm sorry we had to combine the two, but it was the only way either family could afford their wedding and funeral."
The Wally joke slayed me: a Carmen Sandiego joke would be resurrection.
''I feel like Hugh Grant today doing 4 weddings and a funeral''
And now let's toast the Bride and Groom,
GUYS!!!! NO, Raise your glasses not your flamethrowers.
a wedding or funeral eh?
"You may now kiss the deceased."
Who knew funerals could be so funny :) I've been going to the wrong ones.
You should go to an Irish one.
mandy c , they tell me it's a grave business, & do feel boxed in sometimes, make no bones about. Apparently, they died coffin, we all thought that was a bit stiff
@@eoinh1 one of my Irish family's mottos is "we put the fun in funeral" and they go down from there
I remembered my innocence days at the pasts three funeral i went. I was trying hard not to laugh at the people who cried like a dying whale and snot coming out their nose.. It was pretty disgusting though.. I admit i over come those feeling of wanting to wrecking havoc on them all.. The feeling that wanting to kill small cute animals kind of thing. It was so sad and pathetic looking that you want to end their misery to make them stop making you feel that way.. Ya know..
- not a serial killer.
I only go for the food which is always a dead cert
"At the request of Mark he wanted this to he a Star Trek themed funeral, and to that he wanted me to say to his brother... He's dead Jim."
"Vera by name" is my favourite of these, great round overall 😂
Always wondered what Dara Ó Briain writes? 🧐
It's Dara Claus's book of naughty and nice comedians.
Working on his French rap lyrics.
he's still working on the screenplay of, Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
He's writing the Bible don't mind him
An encyclopaedia on Megabus! 😊
Could someone explain the "oncoming traffic" joke?
I think he said "Veera by name", as in "veerer into traffic".
"Tom saw the combine harvester."
"Dick heard the combine harvester."
"And Harry didn't have the faintest idea what hit him."
Love this show
The last one is going to be my epitaph!
Ed had a good Christmas.!!!
May I suggest:
'She died doing what she loved - MY HUSBAND.'
Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to celebrate a teenage wedding. Would the bride and groomer please step forward?
“Sweetheart, I’ve something to tell you here”
“You love someone else?”
“No, I’m Barry Scott, and this is Cillit Bang”
Thanks everybody for coming, Dad said he didn't care what we did with his ashes, so anyone want some free cat litter?
Wasn't Milton's first joke incredibly dark for him? Wow!
You may now kiss the bride, but im sure youll be doing more than that once you get back to the hotel
''George died what he doing Best. Drinking until his liver packed in''
What a fantastic reception and before everyone leaves what does everyone think they had for dinner?
1:22 is my favourite
That Vera joke is truly underrated
Were here today to say goobye to a great man, a free man, a man who wowed all the ladies, we will all miss that side of terry... I now pronounce you husband and wife..
"Raymond was a man of many parts. We know that because we found them everywhere"
Milton's first one was hilarious.
''But we haven't found his body yet''
''I feel sorry for grave diggers and crem workers. It's such a dead end job''
The heroine got me lol
Thank you very much indeed.
Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong and welcome to Pointless!
“And we’re very excited to congratulate the happy... widow”
I've been to weddings where I'm equally friends with both the bride & the groom, & I wasn't sure where to sit.
Does it really matter?
@@jjaus But I must do things properly!... No, it doesn't really matter.
In their laps. 🤭 I’m sure they won’t bite! 😉
@@Sameer-Mustafah-Raza1-2-1 Depends on the friend.
Nice hair Ed Balls!😁
Unlikely things to 👂🏽 at a funeral... “Please would the kind widowed lady and her 2 luscious friends join me for a quick ménage-a-trios in private?” 😊
That first joke destroyed my lungs
At least Milton and Ed were trying...
I was hoping for a "Sorry, I also do funerals" joke, but... I guess 3:40 works.
Thank you for coming to my new son in law’s wedding, now if he can just say his last words before he marries my daughter.
Hey does the lady in red play Lisa in After Life????
Yes.
0:16 ancient egyptian b like
"My wife was an amazing. Her greatest gift to me in life was... a passport and citizenship"
2:07 i dont get it, can somebody explain it?
Her names Vera who Veered into upcoming traffic.
I always wanted to feel like a princess on my wedding day, that is why im marrying a nigerian.
whoa....the quality.......so sharp!
''I wonder if Ronseal really does exactly what it says on the tin''
Waaaayyyy! Sorry I’m late, bit of a heavy sesh earlier and I’m twatted! Anyway...we are gathered here today...
Worst thing to say at a funeral: Hey guys welcome to my unboxing video today is made by God today I see my Grandma
could someone explain 2:45? the scottish widow joke thanks!
The only way you get to see a Scottish widow is at the funeral of her husband…
Scottish Widows is a UK Pensions company and their iconic advert campaigns always ran with a woman in a black cape.
I've watched this loads but I've only just noticed that Kerry Godliman has stuff written on her hand.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride
Groom: **lifts veil** …Err Jenny???
Bride: NO MORE JENNY, CALL ME JIMMY.
3:36 you know it’s a good joke when you hear that laugh
The first shot when you see all of the guests, for a second I thought it was me on the far left.
Reminds me of Scenes From A Hat on Who's Line Is It Anyway.
toy man Same guy created both shows :)
When I asked for the rings to be brought forward, I didn't mean the choirboys
I didn't get the 2nd last one🥴
As a teen my uncle was getting married. Solemn moment,I whispered to my cousin that I bet they’ll have ugly kids! We both lost it!
So, uh, are you ready to date yet or shall we wait until the funeral is over?
You know this is the happiest day of my life. I'm finally giving little sally away. No more school runs. No more tea parties. Thank you. Thank you Jesus for taking that little bundle of shit with you. Drinks on me lads!
ive gotta admit i dont get the 'oncoming traffic' one?
Vera by name, he was about to say "veerer by nature", she had a habit of swerving on the road and driving her car on the wrong side of the road. She died from a head on collision with another car.
My grandma's name was Vera.