I hadn't heard that term hyper independence before. I can relate to 4 of those signs. I am the last person to ask for help. thanks for sharing this video.
Severe childhood neglect didn't make me "feel like" no one could be trusted or relied upon. It taught me that this is an undeniable truth for me. I have to do everything myself because there is no one else, and if i were to let someone else do it, it would be done incorrectly. The best part of this knowledge is that it doesn't apply to nearly everybody else. They take care of each other just fine. Only me that's abhorrent. I do see the end of the tunnel, though.
I crave friendship. It is so difficult to make friends/keep friends as an older adult. There is a friendly person at work that I would love to get closer to but she has her little circle of friends established and seems closed off to having anyone join. I don't know if maybe I just don't make the grade or that she just isn't wanting any more friends. I do feel unworthy sometimes. And lonely. But I also don't want to be pushy. I want to be wanted for myself. Being an adult is hard.
I’m feeling the same way and constantly thinking about how many people in my past have let me down or not shown up. It feels like this thought process has really stunted making friends or even connecting with others in general. We could be friends and already have Kati in common 😊
Are you sure you want to be friends with her or is that her vibe manipulating you? If you switch workplace will you keep wanting to be her friend or will you find another way to be content?
Don't think about it too much just be a friend with her if she is good person.and remember god made us All for purpose in this world so we can worship him as one god Allah.and so always remember you are worthy and everyone is worthy.and everyone is not perfect so try not to be so hard on yourself.if you feel like someone is good for you to be friend with then go for it.
* You had parents who said "You should be able to do that yourself (at your age)." * You had parents who would help you but acted really put out by it, like it was a major burden and/or you were just trying to annoy them. * Your parents' help came with so many strings and conditions attached that it wasn't worth it. * Your parents would help you but they never let you forget it; accepting help meant you were indebted to them. Then there's spending a lifetime being let down by people who said they'd be there for you and weren't, so you just give up asking for help.
It's true. We can only rely on ourselves. There is no need to ask for help because people will just let you down. Gotta take care of your own crap. No matter what you think no one will be there for you. The quicker you realize it the better. Plus we're all just burdens anyway. I have no idea why people think being by yourself means you are lonely. You can be alone and not be lonely. You are all you need in life.
I am 100% a hyper independent person. I refuse to reach out for help and support when I’m emotionally dysregulated or struggling with a task. I’ve gotten o good at masking and self coping. If someone notices that I’m struggling emotionally, or with a task, and they ask if I need help, I either shut down and go mute, or I get annoyed with them.
I feel like high intelligence can lead to this hyperindependence since it makes it so that most people are unable to understand or comprehend you while also making it seem like others are not as competent as you so you don't trust them to carry out tasks
Aaaaaaaarrrrrgh! This hit on every angle. It’s so frustrating when someone else can spell out what you’ve been spending your whole life trying to understand.
I was literally falling apart this morning because it is overwhelming that it's all on my shoulders. I am physically on my own so I have to do everything. Then I turn on RUclips and here's this video. This fact that I am on my own is made worse because I am hyper-independent. And when I have tried letting people in, entering into community, opening myself up...I am met with disappointment and I find myself having to start over. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted.
My problem is I don’t even think “help” exists, like it doesn’t even occur to me that that is a possibility in life so it’s not that I deny it to myself but I don’t even realize that it is a thing
This is so true. When I'm dealing with anything, I'm thinking "What can I do to solve this" and not "I might need help with this". However, I've made some new friends a few years ago who show interest in what I'm doing with my free time, and every now and then will suggest ways in which they could help me. And I've learned to pause and see if I feel like I want/need the help, or if maybe I don't need what they suggest but there is a different way they can support me. Seriously, having the right people in your circle makes so much of a difference!
One thing to watch out for, if you're like this and you're also a perfectionist, is that over time you start to believe that everyone is an idiot and incompetent! If you've been doing everything yourself, it's only natural to learn to do so many things yourself and to get good at them. But this doesn't mean that everybody is an idiot! This can lead to some really toxic behaviors and make it even harder to let people get close to you! I know for sure that I'm guilty of this...
Bonus points if you're an undiagnosed gifted person. Its still hard if you know. Your brain works faster than anyone elses and you can't understand and/or tolerante that they are soo slow like "are they kidding me? Do i have to babysit them and watch if they're doing it right?"
I had stuff in my childhood but I now feel it’s more an issue of neurodivergence. I’m different and people don’t choose me. I’ve ended up on my own against my efforts and wishes. I have lived with a string of difficult room mates. I am so grateful the newest roomies are great. We cook together sometimes and it’s a blessing to have.
People in general don't choose me, so when someone does, I'm afraid that asking for help or being "difficult" in any way will be used as an excuse for acceptance to turn to rejection. Expressing needs will cause people to drop me like a hot rock.
Exceedingly difficult to move past issues that were caused by some form of trauma during our formative years......I seldom see anyone make that "quantum leap." Rather, most of us try everything we can, then finally just learn ways to cope the best we can. My hope is that someday, somehow, we find ways to ensure no child transitions into adulthood burdened with issues that perpetually sabotage his/her best efforts and limits their ability to love and be loved. One can only hope.
hyper-independence, never heard about this word, no I have it. Live like that for decades, ruined my life by 100%. I don't trust anybody anymore, even not therapists, because I had many very disappointing ones.
The feeling that our life is ruined is excellent since it can be one of points of entry, like a thread that we can "follow". Not like in some conceptual sense, not to make up some philosophy that reframes our life to make it better, but to feel that upset for the sake of feeling it, and neither making it go away nor artificially wallow in it. Kind of just feel it like we feel sun on our skin. Things like journaling, art therapy, meditation, etc are all way to sort of stay with it in some way and then learn to channel it At the end of the day, from a detached 3rd person perspective, all of it relates to survival and self protection. So any strong recoil, judgment, regret, craving, disgust, etc in that area is useful to feel and poke on emotional level, even though it sucks completely. The harder and more offensive it is, the more useful it can be And even having a therapist betray you can be "useful" in that sense. Not to artificially induce some thing and learn to enjoy it or persevere or dissociate, but to fully go through it while in the back of your mind sometimes recalling that this is just make belief, like a dream. Therapists aren't real people in our life, they are hired characters that help us with zero negative impact on our real life, whatever they are doing doesn't actually affect our survival, it's a role play. Going through grief due to betrayal by a therapist fully and honestly allows you to see yourself and reconnect with yourself, while the actual impact of that relationship is null and so you are free to experiment
@@mattesrocket I'm talking from personal experience. And my starting point was so much mistrust and independence that I had what I now see as full blown wide ranging paranoia, which is why even having therapists or any real relationships was completely unconscionable, and I was only ever dealing with it on my own for decades. You don't have to agree, but you could try getting into regular meditation and then I to experimenting with how you relate to your feelings. It's about processes, not any conceptual understanding, and "simply" feeling our feelings in the right way changes them and ourselves over time. What have you got to lose?...
@@renzo_kookin4208 Nah, people are only real if we have a total mutual understanding. The less mutual it is, the more we actually see ourselves projected on others. Which can be useful in itself, but isn't a relationship. Though it can be a foundation for an unhealthy attachment, like between a co-dependent person and avoidant. Both people in that case are projections of the needs of the other person, and this often leads to explosive on and off relationships that are intoxicating that seemingly feel right, but also are unhealthy or unsustainable
I’m 42 now and have crafted a life that has mostly kept me isolated and “safe”. I no longer know how to let myself out of the prison of safety that I’ve walled myself into. I don’t seem to be able to get myself to walk out of here even though I know the doors are not locked.
I expected to see some relevance to this video but wasn't expecting to be so called out by it. As someone else mentioned if things are stressful /chaotic (where my adhd is often an asseet) I don't have the ability (and sometimes patience to explain to others what needs to be done). It will cause me more stress to stop, slow my thoughts down and explain it to them (especially if they have no familiarity) then it will be to tell them I got it, step past them and get it done. All the time I'd love eto be alble to delegate it but that requires I trust them to know how "it needs to be done"
Yes I was abandoned by a parent and neglected by the other. Hyper independent but now I'm earning well and self actualised, at peace, love myself. It's smart to have savings for emergencies even if you think you have friends.
we were neglected and disappointed so bad that we became so numb which then lead us not expecting anything from people; for example: for them to have our backs. if only we were cared about, loved, and helped when we were young; the way we act around responsibilities and deal with the weight of the world would definitely be different.
Hi Kati! It's great to see you in the new year! Once again you hit the nail on the head. This is really helpful, because I find myself getting frustrated when people try to help me, especially at work (custodian). It just messes with my process and the way I see things going; I get agitated but hold it in... Lately I've been catching myself doing this and I'll step out for a sec and try to remind myself that being part of a team means I need to let the team help me, even if I believe that "I have it all under control." I appreciate you making this because I'll try some of those tips. I just don't like the idea of being "exposed" to others (I think differently (with often contrasting ideals) and more structured than most people, and it could be off-putting at times; I have a sharp tongue and think strongly in my own way, and I don't want to risk upsetting someone by my opinions. But I'm willing to open up a bit to the team, at least in conversation and allowing them to help lighten ny workload. Thank you so much!
On a related note, I would love to see a video about learning to receive co regulation as a recovering hyper independent/avoidant person. There's a lot of content about learning self regulation but most how to videos on co regulation are aimed at teaching parents how to help kids regulate. I feel a bit embarrassed to say it, but I don't understand how to let other people help me feel better when I'm upset. I can self regulate no problems but going to people in the moment when I'm upset always makes me feel worse not better. I can competently be the giver in such situations, but how to receive emotional care so it's soothing is a skill that still eludes me.
“It’s not that you don’t have anybody, you feel like nobody has you.” Damn, I felt that! My mom has BPD and narcissistic traits and my dad left me when I was 1 year old and moved in the US. Never asks how I am, doesn’t truly care. He was in my home town when I was little, dude passed by my house like I don’t exist.
I know that I can't rely on my immediate family for help, because I've asked them and they ignored me. They're pretty toxic so I've distanced myself 🤷♀️ And friends say they'll help then forget or just don't do it. The feeling of being forgotten about and having help refused is crushing. I do still try, but there are very few reliable people in my life.
I feel l always have to be on top of everyones emotions..more than everything... I hate the burden of letting people in.. I "owe" something ... from toxic words like "after ALL I have done for youuu".. I hate feeling indebt to people.. I feel my needs are a burden so I do it myself... etc... I know its not the case but the core belief is there..
This definitely describes me. Unfortunately I've been dumped by my closest friend (after 30 yrs of friendship) & my last therapist, who "wanted to cut down her hours". I don't think I'll ever be able to trust a new person ever again & I certainly can't trust therapists again. It sucks to be alive as the world ends all around you & all the other humans ignore what's happening.
I try to use my ancestors natives traditional healers as my anchor to check myself up from the neck up, even though I feel the pressure of being the oldest in my siblings (my hyper independence truly can affected me) when I over focused and forgetting to connect the dots to all the important tasks at hand not paying attention where to get off or where to get on, learning to accept being lost, its helpful to ask for help even though I don't trust others, its important to seek help no matter what.
Kati, I am the eldest brother and young general of the family. Most decisions run through me to open up and lay out my plans. In my stubbornness, I refuse to give input. So, naturally I seek out NPCs for side quests to carefully immerse myself into the wild to become invisible. Then BAM! I come charging in with a burst of confidence. Regretfully, my charge has led to an uprising in the cabinets and drawers. I have since been deligated to an island with humanoid creatures that live underground. They don't appear dangerous, but rather indifferent to my presence. Kati, you'd marvel at the way they can move. It's as if they've a key to the sea! By night they hunt with such speed dreams are devoured before I wake! I don't know how long I'll be here, but thank you for listening to my mysterious ordeal. May you have a Happy New Year.
Search for help before it really kills you. I had a friend who was learned to refuse to ask for help in childhood. Later he became ill and didnt want medical support what eventually caused his death.
Yep same here and hyperindependence plus solitude almost killed me 2 years ago. Spent a year in psychotherapy and that made it worse as I went back into my childhood. I started remembering trying to communicate to my family that I felt alone (there was no time for me, only boy in family of 7) how fuvking hard it felt when my feelings where laughed at and ignored. So here I am almost 50 and turned my life around through, yes you guess it hyperindependence plus swimming but still I developed wrong and am always fighting anxiety and my self esteem goes up and down but not that drastic anymore. Stopped caring about the past and keep pushing forwards but life is not easy and I know I am not the only one and I guess that makes it easier. Life is beautiful when you see it 😊
Asking for, or getting help always requires me to give some sort of payment. Usually monetary, nothing is free and no one wants to help for nothing. Thanks for that lesson mother dearest. Help is not safe.
It is not higher indepence by everyone,but when you grow up,you have to learn whom to thrust or whom not. Transparency and discernment are important things. There are less good than bad people in the world. Children are innocent,but adults are not.😊
I am definitely hyper-independent. For example, I'm supposed to get a medical procedure but I need a ride who stays there through it. I won't ask anybody to do that so I just haven't done the procedure. I lived deep in the closet for decades, so the part about feeling seen plays a huge role in this. I had to rely only on myself because I couldn't (wouldn't) let others in. I do everything alone now.
Hi Kati! Could you make a video on the opposite? As in being too DEPENDENT? Anything from dependence on others to do things for you due to lack of confidence or whatever, to being too dependent on others for their thoughts and opinions on things and not trusting yourself. Would love to hear your thoughts!
For >10y had a co-worker who refused to ask for instruction if something was unclear. He would rather spend 3 hours searching on the internet, than asking me and get the answer in 5 minutes. Working with him was hell.
I’m hyper-independent. I can’t ask anyone for help and do everything myself. Even though I live abroad by myself I still can’t bring myself to ask for help. Maybe subconsciously that’s why I moved abroad, making my life as hard as possible to prove that I don’t need any help.
Oh hyper-independence my biggest flaw... once even terminated my rent to escape a custody case (initiated by my parents with falsified medical records) as I deemed my freedom so important that I'd rather live on the street than let anyone have control over me...
Not sure if it's hyper independence or just independence. I check three boxrs, (1) "Emotional Neglect" in the manner of not to be too needy, "Aw, c'mon, grow up!", "want affection, earn it". (2) "Pufferfishing", I like that expression. At times I could also be a sea urchin. (3) "Not feeling seen, heard or understood" that's like a red ribbon running through my life, even though I don't want to be seen too much, on occasion I'd rather fade into the wallpaper. It took me many years to be able to ask for help, which I can do now but it still feels odd, like I do not want to molest people.
“We are going to start acting like no one is going to care” - it ain’t acting. This is learning to cope in a totally uncaring and selfish society. It’s a culture that has stolen the foundation of how we are supposed to exist. We all inter- are, but today it is separation and isolation for the good of the almighty economy.
I have reached out so many times only to be let down. So I just don’t do it anymore. No one steps up, no one takes control so I always have to. Then they label me as strong. I don’t have a choice dude.
I am reminded of a quote from Conan’s father, as he was speaking to his young son “ for no one in this world can you trust. Not men. Not women. Not beasts.” And then upon showing him the sword…” this. This you can trust.”😅
sounds great, sadly if I stop being the emotional rock my immediate family breaks apart, no more family and all "friends" went away, not time for an 40yr old autistic guy, and that seems to be also the case for the rest of the world; folk get married and have kids and add full-time jobs, nobody over 25 has time for new friends, even less with someone with little to relate to and uninterested in: their marriage, their kids or their work; which is 100% of their lives. Not wanting or asking for help sounds great, when compared to having none, in part because I started asking for a bit and when even a little was required and wasn't me the one doing all the effort, everyone ran away to their "more important" things. Life doesn't leave time and energy to help others outside their direct family.
When you’ve literally never been heard, seen or accepted by your family, it’s hard to believe when someone external tries to understand you. It makes me push people away in fear of feeling vulnerable and open to more criticism. It’s easier to rely on yourself, it’s exhausting to find out that someone you thought you could rely on, never really wanted to in the first place. What’s the point in even trying anymore. Nobody cares anyway.
Not gonna lie I think I developed hyper-independence in part from having to do so many group projects on my own in school and having friends let me down on top of feeling responsible to do everything perfect
I've come to the conclusion that I don't know how to make friends with people who actually engage in mutually supportive relationships. I have a spare ticket to an event, and literally noone to go with, while others flock to rally around mean girls. I honestly don't get it, and I no longer have faith in anyone either. If you do let them do something for you, they turn around at some point and call you a user. You do stuff for other people and they take you for granted, and still don't treat you like a friend that means anything. I'm at the point I'm pretty sure I'm just broken and noone likes me.
Ive only had me to rely on for the past 16 years,my husband passed away and everyone walked away from me and my two kids who were 4 and 7 then, noone would help me, i had already walked away from my toxic family, im 58 now and today a nurse told me I was two old to make friends, when she ask if i had any one to help me with my disability my children have moved out and live far away, they can only come see me twice a year , I know im too old to make freinds she didnt have to say it, i quit helping people 10 years ago cause they always said no, its been ok until i got older and disabled ive just acceppted it
I can't believe a nurse said that to you. You are never too old to meet friends. She must be wounded in her own way. I know it gets harder to meet friends, but never too old. Best wishes for healing and connections to you.
I struggle to relate to anyone with low IQ. I was the kid everyone copied from at school, then had his lunch money stolen. I wish I learned at a young age this was my strength, I've spent my whole life trying to fit in, now I just feel frustrated that I didn't focus on my academic strengths and ignore those I struggle to be around.
I gotta stop this I’ve almost died a few times because I was more afraid to ask for help then death lol. And the one that has effected me the most is probably communicating at work if I need time off sick or late ect it can trigger me to shut down so I won’t call I’ll just turn up or not go in. Or sometimes just get another job When it gets to this point I can’t explain it it such a deep rooted nervous system response. I need exposure therapy to build my tolerance
I was fine before I started studying psychology. Now I see just how toxic everyone is. Going no contact is bad (isolation). Staying is bad (enduring abuse/narcissism). Psychology is contradictory.
Never ask anybody for help. Never accept assistance from anybody. You will pay far more for your assistance than you could ever imagine. Do it yourself and nobody will hold anything over you and say, "You owe me for the assistance I gave you a few months back!" You will regret asking for assistance. It may take longer alone. But, the job will be done right and without any sort of residual after effects. I will never ask any sort of help from anybody ecer again, unless it is a life or death situation.
I hadn't heard that term hyper independence before. I can relate to 4 of those signs. I am the last person to ask for help. thanks for sharing this video.
And experience showed me that i CANT rely on others.
FACTS
EXACTLY….how many times to be burned? WHY isn’t she realistic? Even people that are PAID to help…have harmed me…
Severe childhood neglect didn't make me "feel like" no one could be trusted or relied upon. It taught me that this is an undeniable truth for me. I have to do everything myself because there is no one else, and if i were to let someone else do it, it would be done incorrectly. The best part of this knowledge is that it doesn't apply to nearly everybody else. They take care of each other just fine. Only me that's abhorrent. I do see the end of the tunnel, though.
I crave friendship. It is so difficult to make friends/keep friends as an older adult. There is a friendly person at work that I would love to get closer to but she has her little circle of friends established and seems closed off to having anyone join. I don't know if maybe I just don't make the grade or that she just isn't wanting any more friends. I do feel unworthy sometimes. And lonely. But I also don't want to be pushy. I want to be wanted for myself. Being an adult is hard.
I’m feeling the same way and constantly thinking about how many people in my past have let me down or not shown up. It feels like this thought process has really stunted making friends or even connecting with others in general. We could be friends and already have Kati in common 😊
Same,. It's hard talking to people sometime 😢
Are you sure you want to be friends with her or is that her vibe manipulating you? If you switch workplace will you keep wanting to be her friend or will you find another way to be content?
Try a hobby group.
Don't think about it too much just be a friend with her if she is good person.and remember god made us All for purpose in this world so we can worship him as one god Allah.and so always remember you are worthy and everyone is worthy.and everyone is not perfect so try not to be so hard on yourself.if you feel like someone is good for you to be friend with then go for it.
* You had parents who said "You should be able to do that yourself (at your age)."
* You had parents who would help you but acted really put out by it, like it was a major burden and/or you were just trying to annoy them.
* Your parents' help came with so many strings and conditions attached that it wasn't worth it.
* Your parents would help you but they never let you forget it; accepting help meant you were indebted to them.
Then there's spending a lifetime being let down by people who said they'd be there for you and weren't, so you just give up asking for help.
You spoke volumes!
It's true. We can only rely on ourselves. There is no need to ask for help because people will just let you down. Gotta take care of your own crap. No matter what you think no one will be there for you. The quicker you realize it the better. Plus we're all just burdens anyway. I have no idea why people think being by yourself means you are lonely. You can be alone and not be lonely. You are all you need in life.
I am 100% a hyper independent person. I refuse to reach out for help and support when I’m emotionally dysregulated or struggling with a task. I’ve gotten o good at masking and self coping. If someone notices that I’m struggling emotionally, or with a task, and they ask if I need help, I either shut down and go mute, or I get annoyed with them.
😮
How chaming
The pain of being let down has wounded me deeply
I feel like high intelligence can lead to this hyperindependence since it makes it so that most people are unable to understand or comprehend you while also making it seem like others are not as competent as you so you don't trust them to carry out tasks
Can confirm. Fierce if you're gifted AND been neglected. 😅
@conny.rapp.tattoo huh?
Aaaaaaaarrrrrgh! This hit on every angle. It’s so frustrating when someone else can spell out what you’ve been spending your whole life trying to understand.
I was literally falling apart this morning because it is overwhelming that it's all on my shoulders. I am physically on my own so I have to do everything. Then I turn on RUclips and here's this video.
This fact that I am on my own is made worse because I am hyper-independent. And when I have tried letting people in, entering into community, opening myself up...I am met with disappointment and I find myself having to start over.
It's exhausting. I'm exhausted.
My problem is I don’t even think “help” exists, like it doesn’t even occur to me that that is a possibility in life so it’s not that I deny it to myself but I don’t even realize that it is a thing
This is so true. When I'm dealing with anything, I'm thinking "What can I do to solve this" and not "I might need help with this". However, I've made some new friends a few years ago who show interest in what I'm doing with my free time, and every now and then will suggest ways in which they could help me. And I've learned to pause and see if I feel like I want/need the help, or if maybe I don't need what they suggest but there is a different way they can support me. Seriously, having the right people in your circle makes so much of a difference!
One thing to watch out for, if you're like this and you're also a perfectionist, is that over time you start to believe that everyone is an idiot and incompetent! If you've been doing everything yourself, it's only natural to learn to do so many things yourself and to get good at them. But this doesn't mean that everybody is an idiot! This can lead to some really toxic behaviors and make it even harder to let people get close to you! I know for sure that I'm guilty of this...
Bonus points if you're an undiagnosed gifted person. Its still hard if you know. Your brain works faster than anyone elses and you can't understand and/or tolerante that they are soo slow like "are they kidding me? Do i have to babysit them and watch if they're doing it right?"
I had stuff in my childhood but I now feel it’s more an issue of neurodivergence. I’m different and people don’t choose me. I’ve ended up on my own against my efforts and wishes. I have lived with a string of difficult room mates. I am so grateful the newest roomies are great. We cook together sometimes and it’s a blessing to have.
People in general don't choose me, so when someone does, I'm afraid that asking for help or being "difficult" in any way will be used as an excuse for acceptance to turn to rejection. Expressing needs will cause people to drop me like a hot rock.
@ I understand those feelings. Be gentle with yourself
The feeling of being alone is a very heavy burden to carry. I wish more people understood how much we NEED other people to navigate this big world.
If I am alone I cannot be lonely. Loneliness occurs only when surrounded by people.
Been saying that for years
Exceedingly difficult to move past issues that were caused by some form of trauma during our formative years......I seldom see anyone make that "quantum leap." Rather, most of us try everything we can, then finally just learn ways to cope the best we can. My hope is that someday, somehow, we find ways to ensure no child transitions into adulthood burdened with issues that perpetually sabotage his/her best efforts and limits their ability to love and be loved. One can only hope.
"It's not that you feel like you have nobody, it feels like nobody has you" I can relate to that and everything else Theo said.
hyper-independence, never heard about this word, no I have it. Live like that for decades, ruined my life by 100%. I don't trust anybody anymore, even not therapists, because I had many very disappointing ones.
The feeling that our life is ruined is excellent since it can be one of points of entry, like a thread that we can "follow". Not like in some conceptual sense, not to make up some philosophy that reframes our life to make it better, but to feel that upset for the sake of feeling it, and neither making it go away nor artificially wallow in it. Kind of just feel it like we feel sun on our skin. Things like journaling, art therapy, meditation, etc are all way to sort of stay with it in some way and then learn to channel it
At the end of the day, from a detached 3rd person perspective, all of it relates to survival and self protection. So any strong recoil, judgment, regret, craving, disgust, etc in that area is useful to feel and poke on emotional level, even though it sucks completely. The harder and more offensive it is, the more useful it can be
And even having a therapist betray you can be "useful" in that sense. Not to artificially induce some thing and learn to enjoy it or persevere or dissociate, but to fully go through it while in the back of your mind sometimes recalling that this is just make belief, like a dream. Therapists aren't real people in our life, they are hired characters that help us with zero negative impact on our real life, whatever they are doing doesn't actually affect our survival, it's a role play. Going through grief due to betrayal by a therapist fully and honestly allows you to see yourself and reconnect with yourself, while the actual impact of that relationship is null and so you are free to experiment
@NJ-wb1cz well said. Funny tho, my therapist actually did end up becoming a real person in my life...
She just doesn't know it yet. 😉😊
@NJ-wb1cz such a nonsens writes only someone, who is not experiencing such a bad life, or makes (himself) up something
@@mattesrocket I'm talking from personal experience. And my starting point was so much mistrust and independence that I had what I now see as full blown wide ranging paranoia, which is why even having therapists or any real relationships was completely unconscionable, and I was only ever dealing with it on my own for decades.
You don't have to agree, but you could try getting into regular meditation and then I to experimenting with how you relate to your feelings. It's about processes, not any conceptual understanding, and "simply" feeling our feelings in the right way changes them and ourselves over time.
What have you got to lose?...
@@renzo_kookin4208 Nah, people are only real if we have a total mutual understanding. The less mutual it is, the more we actually see ourselves projected on others.
Which can be useful in itself, but isn't a relationship.
Though it can be a foundation for an unhealthy attachment, like between a co-dependent person and avoidant. Both people in that case are projections of the needs of the other person, and this often leads to explosive on and off relationships that are intoxicating that seemingly feel right, but also are unhealthy or unsustainable
I’m 42 now and have crafted a life that has mostly kept me isolated and “safe”. I no longer know how to let myself out of the prison of safety that I’ve walled myself into. I don’t seem to be able to get myself to walk out of here even though I know the doors are not locked.
I expected to see some relevance to this video but wasn't expecting to be so called out by it. As someone else mentioned if things are stressful /chaotic (where my adhd is often an asseet) I don't have the ability (and sometimes patience to explain to others what needs to be done). It will cause me more stress to stop, slow my thoughts down and explain it to them (especially if they have no familiarity) then it will be to tell them I got it, step past them and get it done. All the time I'd love eto be alble to delegate it but that requires I trust them to know how "it needs to be done"
Yes I was abandoned by a parent and neglected by the other. Hyper independent but now I'm earning well and self actualised, at peace, love myself. It's smart to have savings for emergencies even if you think you have friends.
we were neglected and disappointed so bad that we became so numb which then lead us not expecting anything from people; for example: for them to have our backs.
if only we were cared about, loved, and helped when we were young; the way we act around responsibilities and deal with the weight of the world would definitely be different.
Hi Kati! It's great to see you in the new year! Once again you hit the nail on the head. This is really helpful, because I find myself getting frustrated when people try to help me, especially at work (custodian). It just messes with my process and the way I see things going; I get agitated but hold it in... Lately I've been catching myself doing this and I'll step out for a sec and try to remind myself that being part of a team means I need to let the team help me, even if I believe that "I have it all under control."
I appreciate you making this because I'll try some of those tips. I just don't like the idea of being "exposed" to others (I think differently (with often contrasting ideals) and more structured than most people, and it could be off-putting at times; I have a sharp tongue and think strongly in my own way, and I don't want to risk upsetting someone by my opinions. But I'm willing to open up a bit to the team, at least in conversation and allowing them to help lighten ny workload. Thank you so much!
On a related note, I would love to see a video about learning to receive co regulation as a recovering hyper independent/avoidant person. There's a lot of content about learning self regulation but most how to videos on co regulation are aimed at teaching parents how to help kids regulate. I feel a bit embarrassed to say it, but I don't understand how to let other people help me feel better when I'm upset. I can self regulate no problems but going to people in the moment when I'm upset always makes me feel worse not better. I can competently be the giver in such situations, but how to receive emotional care so it's soothing is a skill that still eludes me.
“It’s not that you don’t have anybody, you feel like nobody has you.”
Damn, I felt that!
My mom has BPD and narcissistic traits and my dad left me when I was 1 year old and moved in the US. Never asks how I am, doesn’t truly care. He was in my home town when I was little, dude passed by my house like I don’t exist.
I love the new vibe and look. You look absolutely beautiful, too. Wishing you all the best in 2025 Katie ❤
I know that I can't rely on my immediate family for help, because I've asked them and they ignored me. They're pretty toxic so I've distanced myself 🤷♀️ And friends say they'll help then forget or just don't do it. The feeling of being forgotten about and having help refused is crushing. I do still try, but there are very few reliable people in my life.
I feel l always have to be on top of everyones emotions..more than everything... I hate the burden of letting people in.. I "owe" something ... from toxic words like "after ALL I have done for youuu".. I hate feeling indebt to people.. I feel my needs are a burden so I do it myself... etc... I know its not the case but the core belief is there..
Exactly! My mom would say stuff similar 🫤
This definitely describes me. Unfortunately I've been dumped by my closest friend (after 30 yrs of friendship) & my last therapist, who "wanted to cut down her hours". I don't think I'll ever be able to trust a new person ever again & I certainly can't trust therapists again. It sucks to be alive as the world ends all around you & all the other humans ignore what's happening.
It's like your invisible. Or everyone can see they just don't care. Sometimes I want to burn it all down , and heal the world at the same time. 😢
Hope you are safe in LA and your house doesnt burn down. Greetings from Berlin. Great Video. 😊
Thank you, Lovely Kati. I, and my husband, find this meaninful and quite relatable.
It’s so validating to hear this.
I try to use my ancestors natives traditional healers as my anchor to check myself up from the neck up, even though I feel the pressure of being the oldest in my siblings (my hyper independence truly can affected me) when I over focused and forgetting to connect the dots to all the important tasks at hand not paying attention where to get off or where to get on, learning to accept being lost, its helpful to ask for help even though I don't trust others, its important to seek help no matter what.
Kati, I am the eldest brother and young general of the family. Most decisions run through me to open up and lay out my plans. In my stubbornness, I refuse to give input. So, naturally I seek out NPCs for side quests to carefully immerse myself into the wild to become invisible. Then BAM! I come charging in with a burst of confidence. Regretfully, my charge has led to an uprising in the cabinets and drawers. I have since been deligated to an island with humanoid creatures that live underground. They don't appear dangerous, but rather indifferent to my presence. Kati, you'd marvel at the way they can move. It's as if they've a key to the sea! By night they hunt with such speed dreams are devoured before I wake! I don't know how long I'll be here, but thank you for listening to my mysterious ordeal. May you have a Happy New Year.
I call myself “pathologically self-sufficient,” and it almost killed me. I’m working on it.
Search for help before it really kills you.
I had a friend who was learned to refuse to ask for help in childhood. Later he became ill and didnt want medical support what eventually caused his death.
I thought I was having a heart attack but couldn't get myself to call for help, not even 911. Pathologically Independent with a death wish.😢
Solid advice as always. Thank you Kati!
Thanks Kati for sharing this with us❤it will help me for sure
Thanks for eradicating all my doubts whether this concept applies to me 😅😅
Yep same here and hyperindependence plus solitude almost killed me 2 years ago. Spent a year in psychotherapy and that made it worse as I went back into my childhood. I started remembering trying to communicate to my family that I felt alone (there was no time for me, only boy in family of 7) how fuvking hard it felt when my feelings where laughed at and ignored. So here I am almost 50 and turned my life around through, yes you guess it hyperindependence plus swimming but still I developed wrong and am always fighting anxiety and my self esteem goes up and down but not that drastic anymore.
Stopped caring about the past and keep pushing forwards but life is not easy and I know I am not the only one and I guess that makes it easier.
Life is beautiful when you see it 😊
Asking for, or getting help always requires me to give some sort of payment. Usually monetary, nothing is free and no one wants to help for nothing. Thanks for that lesson mother dearest. Help is not safe.
It is not higher indepence by everyone,but when you grow up,you have to learn whom to thrust or whom not. Transparency and discernment are important things. There are less good than bad people in the world. Children are innocent,but adults are not.😊
Just re played this video, I too am new to this term; very interesting.
I am definitely hyper-independent. For example, I'm supposed to get a medical procedure but I need a ride who stays there through it. I won't ask anybody to do that so I just haven't done the procedure.
I lived deep in the closet for decades, so the part about feeling seen plays a huge role in this. I had to rely only on myself because I couldn't (wouldn't) let others in. I do everything alone now.
I hired on a nurse for an upcoming surgery because I don’t have anyone to pick me up. Be good to yourself, life is precious and you are worthy
❤❤❤
Thank you for this. It really helps me understand.
Amazing video, thank you! More videos plsss surrounding this topic!
Thank you 🦋
Thank you
I wanna cry becuase every word in this contentbis definateky me. Thanks you so much
Hi Kati! Could you make a video on the opposite? As in being too DEPENDENT? Anything from dependence on others to do things for you due to lack of confidence or whatever, to being too dependent on others for their thoughts and opinions on things and not trusting yourself. Would love to hear your thoughts!
For >10y had a co-worker who refused to ask for instruction if something was unclear.
He would rather spend 3 hours searching on the internet, than asking me and get the answer in 5 minutes.
Working with him was hell.
It wasn't 3 hours. At least it seemed like you had patience.
I’m hyper-independent. I can’t ask anyone for help and do everything myself. Even though I live abroad by myself I still can’t bring myself to ask for help. Maybe subconsciously that’s why I moved abroad, making my life as hard as possible to prove that I don’t need any help.
Oh hyper-independence my biggest flaw... once even terminated my rent to escape a custody case (initiated by my parents with falsified medical records) as I deemed my freedom so important that I'd rather live on the street than let anyone have control over me...
I mean, when the evidence that the help wont be there is overwhelming...it
s evidence based reality at that point
Not sure if it's hyper independence or just independence. I check three boxrs, (1) "Emotional Neglect" in the manner of not to be too needy, "Aw, c'mon, grow up!", "want affection, earn it". (2) "Pufferfishing", I like that expression. At times I could also be a sea urchin. (3) "Not feeling seen, heard or understood" that's like a red ribbon running through my life, even though I don't want to be seen too much, on occasion I'd rather fade into the wallpaper.
It took me many years to be able to ask for help, which I can do now but it still feels odd, like I do not want to molest people.
For me, it now feels weird when someone asks, you doing ok? With regards to a tough topic in convo
@@kathleenbigsmoke-mitchell4898 Thank you ffor the response. Yes, I'm OK. I'm jus remembering the past.
Thanks for video.
“We are going to start acting like no one is going to care” - it ain’t acting. This is learning to cope in a totally uncaring and selfish society. It’s a culture that has stolen the foundation of how we are supposed to exist. We all inter- are, but today it is separation and isolation for the good of the almighty economy.
This was me my whole life. I'm just beginning to get over it.
I have reached out so many times only to be let down. So I just don’t do it anymore. No one steps up, no one takes control so I always have to. Then they label me as strong. I don’t have a choice dude.
It's exhausting 😢
I am reminded of a quote from Conan’s father, as he was speaking to his young son “ for no one in this world can you trust. Not men. Not women. Not beasts.” And then upon showing him the sword…” this. This you can trust.”😅
sounds great, sadly if I stop being the emotional rock my immediate family breaks apart, no more family and all "friends" went away, not time for an 40yr old autistic guy, and that seems to be also the case for the rest of the world; folk get married and have kids and add full-time jobs, nobody over 25 has time for new friends, even less with someone with little to relate to and uninterested in: their marriage, their kids or their work; which is 100% of their lives. Not wanting or asking for help sounds great, when compared to having none, in part because I started asking for a bit and when even a little was required and wasn't me the one doing all the effort, everyone ran away to their "more important" things. Life doesn't leave time and energy to help others outside their direct family.
Truth!!
I wish I was like my friends
I could never be that way.
Just like we have the March of Dimes- and they save my life, we are all interdependent
Thank you
You're welcome 😊
저도 제 인생에서 만난 좋은 사람들을 밀어내지 말고 절대 놓치지 않고싶어욧!!!
When you’ve literally never been heard, seen or accepted by your family, it’s hard to believe when someone external tries to understand you. It makes me push people away in fear of feeling vulnerable and open to more criticism. It’s easier to rely on yourself, it’s exhausting to find out that someone you thought you could rely on, never really wanted to in the first place. What’s the point in even trying anymore. Nobody cares anyway.
I felt seen, heard, and understood by someone once...
Wow I didn't know I had this 😢
When I ask for help no one helps but when I get hurt then everyone concern what is up with this world
Not gonna lie I think I developed hyper-independence in part from having to do so many group projects on my own in school and having friends let me down on top of feeling responsible to do everything perfect
Hyper-independence is tough in romantic relationship.
I've come to the conclusion that I don't know how to make friends with people who actually engage in mutually supportive relationships. I have a spare ticket to an event, and literally noone to go with, while others flock to rally around mean girls. I honestly don't get it, and I no longer have faith in anyone either. If you do let them do something for you, they turn around at some point and call you a user. You do stuff for other people and they take you for granted, and still don't treat you like a friend that means anything. I'm at the point I'm pretty sure I'm just broken and noone likes me.
Oh yes, relatable
I use to crave friendships and relationships and I don't give a fuck anymore.
5/5. Could be 100/5.
Ive only had me to rely on for the past 16 years,my husband passed away and everyone walked away from me and my two kids who were 4 and 7 then, noone would help me, i had already walked away from my toxic family, im 58 now and today a nurse told me I was two old to make friends, when she ask if i had any one to help me with my disability my children have moved out and live far away, they can only come see me twice a year , I know im too old to make freinds she didnt have to say it, i quit helping people 10 years ago cause they always said no, its been ok until i got older and disabled ive just acceppted it
I can't believe a nurse said that to you. You are never too old to meet friends. She must be wounded in her own way. I know it gets harder to meet friends, but never too old. Best wishes for healing and connections to you.
Theo Von is awesome, and I appreciate your work too!
I think this is the first time I've heard the trem "puffer fishing" I've known someone like that.
I don’t refuse help. There’s just no one there to help or rely on.
🙏
how come you are describing me so painfully on target?
This is how I am with my mom and my sibling.
Mid fifties here, still don’t trust anyone… completely. Life made me this way, no biggie
I would count on you no problem
🙏🙏💛
My problem is that my whole existence is uncomfortable and I don't want anymore.
I struggle to relate to anyone with low IQ. I was the kid everyone copied from at school, then had his lunch money stolen. I wish I learned at a young age this was my strength, I've spent my whole life trying to fit in, now I just feel frustrated that I didn't focus on my academic strengths and ignore those I struggle to be around.
I gotta stop this I’ve almost died a few times because I was more afraid to ask for help then death lol.
And the one that has effected me the most is probably communicating at work if I need time off sick or late ect it can trigger me to shut down so I won’t call I’ll just turn up or not go in.
Or sometimes just get another job
When it gets to this point I can’t explain it it such a deep rooted nervous system response.
I need exposure therapy to build my tolerance
I'm not afraid of letting people help. They just rarely know how to do anything!
Most people are shockingly unskilled.
I was fine before I started studying psychology. Now I see just how toxic everyone is. Going no contact is bad (isolation). Staying is bad (enduring abuse/narcissism). Psychology is contradictory.
You have to find the middle ground. Balance is key.
Never ask anybody for help. Never accept assistance from anybody. You will pay far more for your assistance than you could ever imagine. Do it yourself and nobody will hold anything over you and say, "You owe me for the assistance I gave you a few months back!" You will regret asking for assistance. It may take longer alone. But, the job will be done right and without any sort of residual after effects. I will never ask any sort of help from anybody ecer again, unless it is a life or death situation.
All of this fits for me excpet i really didnt think i was neglected or anyhing .. Could this is also just happen in a normal upbringing?
And why exactly DO we need to have other people in our lives?
❤❤❤
This sounds like the central relational paradox from Relational-Cultural Theory.
Can you play us something on the guitar in the background? 😮😂
Every time I’ve asked for help I got kicked
toxic independence is a big problem in society
my therapist says i’m Way too hyper independent