Yessss!!! I've only just come across the concept of comphet, and while researching I've been growing increasingly frustrated with the underlying assumption that because I'm not attracted to men, I must be attracted to women. I'm just not.
Comphet isn't just for lesbians. Just because bisexuals like SOME men does not mean we like EVERY man. We can feel forced to be in a relationship with / like a man that we are not attracted to because of comphet. For example feeling like we must like a man who is conventionally attractive even though we actually are more attracted to men who don't fit the masc-stereotypes. Comphet is real and a struggle for the lesbian community, but it is also real for others. We are all affected by heteronormativity, and this can cause us to be in relationships with men that are not actually what we want, regardless of our sexuality.
but even straight women get that. straight women might feel like they have to date every guy fben if they’re not their type ( maybe for validation or maybe other reasons) even if they don’t actually like him. that’s not comphet
@@totallyasmr5402stares in aro, yeah. same here, i wish people also acknowledged how it affects men and mascs. or fems. like, im a transmasc and lesbian, but im also aro, yet im expected to date every women or sum shit, but like. ive onlt ever liked my gf and thats it
As a lesbian, to all the wrong people in the comments, comphet isn’t “forcing yourself to like men”. It’s “being forced by the society and it’s people to seem appealing to men etc.”. So it’s easy to interpert as “being forced to like men.”. Although comphet was originally aligned as a lesbian exclusive term, it really isn’t. It’s also why you shouldn’t use only the lesbian masterdoc to see if you’re a lesbian or not. And I do understand why ppl think heteronormativity is the only option for bi women in this topic. Though similar to compjet, any queer women could have issues with heteronormativity.
This is so interesting! I've recently felt that gender and sexuality are slightly more linked than people say, as an asexual aromantic person I've been questioning my gender identity and sometimes feel like "what's the point of me having a gender anyway, since it's only purpose seems to be in attracting a partner anyway?" Like, I feel disconnected from gender because it doesn't really serve a purpose for me. Fascinating stuff!
Thank you!! I find it so interesting too! I'm also questioning my gender hehe. That makes so much sense! If you don't connect with it a ton you don't need to! I will def make some gender content when I can ❤️
For those of you of the ignorant in the comment section who clearly don't know what comphet is, here is a tip: All women experience it. Comphet is a form of heteronormativity. Definition: Compulsory heterose xuality, often shortened to comphet, is the theory that heterose xuality is assumed and enforced upon women by a patriarchal and heteronormative society. It is not and was never about attraction at all. Adrienne Rich, who coined the term, spoke mostly about how society forces women to date men whether it was because they didn't like men or even if they weren't ready or willing to date. It effects women of all se xualities as a result. Just because straight and bi women can be attracted to men doesn't mean they want to date them. Yet, comphet puts undue pressure on them to date men even when they want to remain single and pursue other ambitions. When the term was coined it was in the 1970s and 80s when all women were expected to marry men. Adrienne particularly used the term to describe all women, not just lesbians. Adrienne was a political lesbian who did not believe that women could be truly straight at all. She believed we all were victims of comphet and that we could choose to be lesbian if we wanted to or choose not to date men despite our sexuality, as most political lesbians of the 1970s believed.
Also I've notice girls on tiktok making those "nothing comes between me and being a lesbian but I got back with my bf" or "I'm gay but that I'm falling for that nerdy bky" type of vids in tiktik? Idk it seems off to me
I've been going in circles as a bisexual woman trying to learn more about comp het. It felt pretty confusing to read all this stuff about comp het which was validating but I couldn't reckon with content telling me this might mean I'm a lesbian. Thanks for talking about this!
Isn’t this just heteronormativity? Comphet is forcing yourself to like men. Bi women can be attracted to men. They can experience heteronormativity but not comphet
@@monsterhighfan144 no they can't comphet is being forced by society to be attracted to men but bi people are attracted to men so they'll never experience comphet
@@monsterhighfan144 i didn't say it's forcing yourself to like men I said it was a mysoginistic society that forces lesbians to feel attracted to men when they aren't
This is the best videoo everr!!! More people should watch this!!! Thank you so much for clarifying that. I am bi and there have been times where i have mistaken male validation as male attraction or liking attention from guys as actually liking guys. And i've also lost interest in boys or panicked once they liked me back one or two times. But other than that, i have actual genuine attraction to boys and i am sure of that. So i was really confused about my identity when alayna joy and other bisexuals came out as gay. But this video clarified my confusion. Thanks a lot. Lots of love!!!❤❤❤
y'all wanna be lesbian so bad you are experiencing HETERONORMATIVITY not comp het that's a lesbian term only bi people can not and will never experience comp het
Thank you so much for making this!! So many people think comphet only affects lesbians and uhhh no it really affects us all. If anyone's looking for bisexual perspectives on comphet Robyn Ochys has written a lot on the subject and is a super cool bisexual activist in general.
Thanks for highlighting wider parts of the comp het aftermath! It's pretty eye-opening to realise that comp het is the cause of the bi-erasure I have to deal with.
bi erasure you have to deal with? you LIKE men meaning you can't experience comp het because you aren't forcing yourself to like men you already do stop tryna include yourself in lesbian business
Thank you so much for speaking on this! I have always identified as being a straight woman - I've only ever dated men, and even though I've studied gender and sexuality extensively and been a LGBTQIA+ ally for ages, I had always just kind of assumed that I was straight and that was it. After seeing so many wonderful folx online discuss comp het this year, it really got to me examine my history and see how comp het ruled my formative years as well. Growing up in the southeastern US in a church community definitely didn't help either, as comp het is the only language through which churches know how to talk to (at) young girls. It was so pushed on me, that I should be grateful for any attention from the male gaze, and should aggressively seek after it! But in a PURE and GODLY way!! I am now reexamining my actual attractions, because I've realized that even after dismantling all the purity culture bullshit of my youth, I kept the assumption of straightness without really questioning it. But my inner environment, my fantasies about exploring intimacy with others - often this has included women. But it was never included in my actual pursuits of intimacy and relationship. Is this why? Am I actually attracted to women, but never allowed myself to think of it beyond idle musings or daydreams because it wasn't "allowable" by comp het standards? As you mentioned, I do genuinely believe my attraction to men and pursuit of healthy relationships with them is real - so this leaves me wondering if I am less straight and more bi or pan than I ever let myself realize, and that is at once somehow exciting and also very sad and hard, and I'm not sure what to do with it. Have I internalized comp het so much that I've erased myself?? Anyway. Thank you for this and all of your content. Cheers.
If you would go at a men’s stripper club, would you laugh or would you be shy because you find them attractive. If you go to a women’s stripper club, would you laugh or would you be in admiration? I thought I was bi until I answered those questions. Turns out I’d only laugh at men, so I’m a lesbian. Hope that can help a bit;) also watch lesbian TikTok (not thirst traps just RUclips compilation)
Firstly, thank you so much for sharing your story - things like this make the comment section so wonderful so thank you!! Sounds like you've done a lot of inner work and I'm so proud of you! Can't have been easy being raised to believe certain things about yourself, reinforced by your church. Only you can know what feels right, but it sounds like you may be attracted to women as well as men! It can be SO hard to untangle a whole lifetime of conditioning but it sounds like you're doing amazingly. Let yourself wonder and explore and don't get too stressed about labels or pinning it down ❤️ I'm so excited for you and I'm sending love!
thank you. i know a lot of people refer to the lesbian masterdoc which is a good source of comphet, but it was written specifically for lesbians. due to this i think a lot of people are forgetting that wlw all can struggle with comphet and not only lesbians, since it's one of the most popular sources of knowledge about comphet.
the funny thing is the masterdoc doesn’t mention comphet is a lesbian only term. at all. if you read the part where it explains what comphet is, it says that people of all genders experience it, and it actually says that it affects women’s sexualities (not just a single one), but people just ignore it because, like you said, it was written specifically for lesbians
@@carol3927 I respect the masterdoc because I believe it was useful to a lot of people, but you saying that is made only for lesbians is a little odd because is literally "Am I a lesbian?" therefore, is to people who are questioning themselves, ya know? So, that's a little confusing
@@bia-zz4sj I say that it was made specifically for lesbians because, even though people of other sexualities might experience some of the same stuff, the masterdoc focuses on how comphet affects lesbians. I know other sapphics experience comphet too, but a lot of the times it’s in different ways
5:38 Omg you know what also made me existentially question my bisexuality? The lesbian master doc. Fml I have so many issues with that whole mess of a document. It never even floats the possibility that you could feel many of these things and still be bi. It sent me spiralling.
That’s heteronormativity, if you wanna understand comphet completely watch contrapoints shame video. Edit: wanted to add that comphet is when you subconsciously force yourself to “like” men to fit in a misogynistic society because due to the lack of attraction to men a lot tend to feel the lost of identity. If you genuinely are attracted to men you aren’t experiencing comphet.
Actually, comphet is a form of heteronormativity. Definition: Compulsory heterose xuality, often shortened to comphet, is the theory that heterose xuality is assumed and enforced upon women by a patriarchal and heteronormative society. It is not and was never about attraction at all. Adrienne Rich, who coined the term, spoke mostly about how society forces women to date men whether it was because they didn't like men or even if they weren't ready or willing to date. It effects women of all se xualities as a result. Just because straight and bi women can be attracted to men doesn't mean they want to date them. Yet, comphet puts undue pressure on them to date men even when they want to remain single and pursue ambitions. When the term was coined it was in the 1970s and 80s when all women were expected to marry men. Adrienne particularly used the term describe all women, not just lesbians.
Okay, and what are the limits? Like, what if you're a person who has only been genuinely attracted to one man and many, many women throughout their life? That would make you bi. But if you've only ever loved one guy and yet forced yourself to be in multiple relationships with men you were not attracted to, wouldn't that be comphet? What a lot of people don't understand is that you could be anywhere on the sexuality spectrum. You could be 99% attracted to women, have very little attraction to men and force yourself to be in relationships with men you are not attracted to. Just because someone is technically capable of feeling some attraction to men (and keep in mind, attraction is complicated, so one may feel only romantically, but not sexually attracted to men) does not mean that they could not feel pressured to date lots of men they are not attracted to.
I definitely forced to like myself guys bc they were nice ppl and also looked conventionally good (but I actually didnt like them romantically/s€xuslly and felt like I should nor that I wanted being with them in that way)as bi person so don't go denying other's experiences and mislabelling them. You have a comment from some who even read it that the actual most vulnerable ones to it are straight women.
Comphet is literally the reason I haven't even considered I might be interested in girls... I am attracted to guys so there was no reason to think I might like women, too.
@@pumpkin_pancake Comphet is a form of heteronormativity. Sad you don't know this. Definition: Comphet refers to a political system that forces women to perform heterosexuals duties. Direct definition: Compulsory heterose xuality, often shortened to comphet, is the theory that heterose xuality is assumed and enforced upon women by a patriarchal and heteronormative society. It was never about attraction. It was about a system that expects women to perform heterose xual duties whether they want to or not. Straight and bi women may not want to date or marry men just becaise they are attracted to them. Yet, comphet can make them feel obligated to do so.
@@venuslove-i1v Sure heteronormativity plays a role in this, but the two are not the same. (comphet being related to the patriarchy where most heteronormativity is not). Secondly, you argument about bi women or queer women who are also attracted to men makes no since. A bi person or someone who is otherwise attracted to men is in no way forced to like men. Liking men is part of their sexuality. That's the whole point. How can someone who is attracted to men force themselves to be attracted to men? Please listen to yourself and actually think next time you yell at lesbians on lesbian issues.
@@vinn_kr by what lmfao. I just said y'all are taken seriously. Lgbtq+ women are asking to expand comphet and talk about their experiences with it. Also (ik you ain't gonna like it) we want to discuss how hetero women experience comphet. We live in a day and age where women who are attracted to men don't want to marry them. We just want to see how hetero women experience comphet, even if it's 1-3 points. Also, that doc is trash lmfaooo it's literally about being a women in general lol like all women put personality over looks
@@monsterhighfan144 you literally cannot experience comphet as a straight woman bc youre nit being told or forced by society to like men when you don't, you DO like men. How is the concept do hard to grasp, lesbians already get nothing and any slither of recognition for their issues is taken away and watered down. Just say you're lesbiphobic and go with no respect for lesbians or their issues
@@amemelia so you're telling me other women in the lgbtq+ community don't feel that way? Also, straight women are being pressured to marry men when they don't want to. No one is hating lesbians and I don't hate lesbians. Y'all aren't going extinct chill
thank you SO MUCH for making this video!!! I've always experienced genuine attraction to men and women, (I remember thinking in high school I wasn't gay enough to be gay, and not straight enough to be straight) and 1.5 years ago discovered the term "bisexual" and came out as bi. I've only unpacked my internalized homophobia/biphobia and comphet very recently. for example, I could only imagine being with a woman sexually, so of course that's "less legitimate" than my attraction to men. *eyeroll* 4 months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months, mostly because, mid-existential breakdown and identity crisis, I thought I might be a lesbian (guess who found the Are You a Lesbian Masterdoc~ and went down the extremely informative, but ultimately self-destructive, self-erasing rabbit hole of thinking me being gay was inevitable and all my past relationships with men were a lie, even though the thought of losing my boyfriend just a few weeks earlier was worst-case-scenario). this was during a severe mental breakdown when I literally forgot my own address - not a good spot to be :'D four months later (and now in a MUCH more stable, healthy frame of mind), it turns out I'm actually still bi! I cried every day for MONTHS after that relationship ended, because I genuinely loved, missed, and was attracted to him and happy with him. the relationship honestly just didn't work for other compatibility/communication reasons, and it came to a head in a really unfortunate way. a few things that helped me validate my sexuality: - I don't gotta prove anything to ANYONE. the only label I ever need to call myself is my name. labels are descriptive, not prescriptive. - *it didn't matter that I was a girl and he was a boy* - if he or I had identified as anything other than a boy/girl, *I still would've felt attracted to him* because I genuinely loved him for who he was, and I loved our sweet, playful, supportive, communicative, hot, and healthy relationship (until it veered into unhealthy and I didn't feel good in it anymore). - no one would dare tell a straight man, after he broke up with a woman because the relationship was unhealthy, that because all his relationships thus far have failed, he's actually gay. - in a similar vein, no one would ever tell a straight guy that his attraction to women is "just sexual" and "objectifying" (although that shit sure does happen in a patriarchal society lol) sexuality is so, so tricky to talk about - even harder when it's under a self-critical, fearful microscope. honestly, the best thing I did for myself was step back from dating/love entirely, shave my whole damn head, and just let the thoughts, attractions, and labels come and go, until I settled into something that best described what I was, who I was. comphet unfortunately shaped that definition for a longgggg time (and might still continue to! if it turns out I actually am a lesbian, then hey, so be it I guess?), but I'm honestly so glad I'm in a spot where I can step back from it and not torture myself over it anymore. (wowowowow sorry for the essay! this is honestly just my way of saying thank you for validating the bisexual experience of comphet! I know I went through quite the ringer lol)
I've been thinkin a lot on this topic the past few months and I'm still pretty sure I'm bi, and I've had even MORE revelations about the lesbian masterdoc and bisexuality that i wanna share cuz it's interesting to think abt: - there's some contradictory points in the masterdoc that minimize what could be genuine interest in men, almost the same way a lot of closeted/unrealized wlw minimize their own attraction to women. for instance, the masterdoc gives the example "you might be a lesbian if you can picture yourself enjoying a sexual relationship with a woman but not a romantic one, and vice versa" (i'll admit this point was huge for me, cuz i've always felt sexual feelings towards women but not romantic, leading to minimization, denial of attraction to women, etc etc) BUT in the section on conflicting feelings about men it states "you could picture yourself having a sexual relationship with a man but not a romantic one, or vice versa." to be fair, this bit is referring to the notion of lesbians in het relationships who can't scrounge up sexual/romantic feelings for their male partners because they just aren't there, so those lesbians could theoretically settle for JUST a romantic/sexual relationship... BUT in the instance where romantic and/or sexual feelings for men are genuine, this bit does a pretty good job minimizing het attraction as "just romantic/sexual" in the same way that repressed wlw write off their own same-gender attractions. obviously heterophobia isn't a real thing, but biphobia sure is! can't people just be bi?? in the masterdoc's intro, it states that compulsory heterosexuality is the idea that i must be straight even when i'm in love with a woman. in that thread, couldn't it follow that biphobia is the notion that i must be gay even when i'm in love with a man? OR; i must be straight even when i'm in love with a woman? OR; i must be straight when i'm with a man? OR; i must be gay when i'm with a woman? quadruple whammy, baby! bisexuals get the worst of both worlds! hannah montana lied to us! - on r/comphet, i read examples of lesbians who broke up with their bfs being able to brush it off like nothing, carrying on after a breakup like a regular Tuesday; then examples of their heartbreak, desperation, and anguish after breakups or rejections from women. the breakups with women sound a LOT like my breakups with men i truly loved and cared for: crying for months on end, devastation, extreme jealousy, missing the person like crazy, writing poetry, desperately wanting to talk to them. generally, lesbians don't grieve the loss of their male exes. [i say "generally" bc there well might be cases where this isn't true (still thinking you're straight, coming out of a long-term het relationship/marriage and feeling genuine, complicated loss, etc). lesbians are multi-dimensional people who are fully capable of experiencing love, affection, grief and depression. this falls under the masterdoc's point that lesbians miss having a boyfriend more than the actual person] - this one’s a lil abstract. attraction isn’t...something you have to think about to make happen. this falls under the masterdoc’s “forcing yourself to find men attractive” bit. attraction happens spontaneously, and if you happen to reflect on it, you can identify it as feelings of attraction during or after the fact. what this means is that you can take a step back and watch your attractions come and go without occupying yourself too much on what it means for your identity. no genuine attraction was ever felt as a result of making yourself feel it. your battle to figure out who you’re “actually” attracted to becomes moot when the goal is to BECOME attracted. you can just like who you like, want who you want, and let the frequency/gender ebb and flow. this is a much more low-pressure way of approaching your sexuality than asking yourself “can you REALLY ever be happy with a man?” (a phrasing which i hate, btw) - *your sexuality does not depend on your partner.* a straight person who's single their entire life, who goes to their grave single, is still straight. a bisexual woman who marries a woman is still bisexual. a bisexual man who marries a woman, gets divorced, then dates a man is still bisexual. i personally am tickled pink by ppl who still deliberate on Freddie Mercury's sexuality - was he REALLY bi? was he ACTUALLY just gay? that knowledge lives and dies with him. i love that. or that interviewer pressing David Bowie, when he stated that he was bisexual, if that actually means he's really just...y'know...... and he responds "I've answered the question." or when bisexual youtuber Jammidodger, when reviewing examples of historians erasing queer relationships, said (i'm paraphrasing here) "people might say it was so long ago that it doesn't matter, but it *does* matter. these relationships were real, their feelings were real, and to have them written off as "gal pals" or "close roommates" isn't fair or accurate. it's erasing history." the masterdoc states that "you can identify as a lesbian now - it's a now identity!" i'll offer this option too: you don't have to erase your past with men if you want to pursue women now. you can still be bi if you want. (i'd argue that this is the whole point, that you're free to pursue/fantasize about whoever you want without you needing to turn in your bi card. in the same vein that the masterdoc stipulates that if you end up falling for a man, it'd be wrong to call yourself a lesbian, i'll stipulate that if you really don't want to be with men, could never see yourself with a man, are disgusted by men, or want to divorce yourself from relationships with men entirely, including those in your past, then it's completely okay to be a lesbian, cuz that truly might be a better fit for you. [uh oh am i just re-writing the masterdoc? yes! but from the bisexual perspective cuz it's necessary!]) - a LOT of biphobia stems from entitlement. it's not uncommon for game devs to make romanceable NPCs bisexual in order to accommodate the gender of the player character. you wanna be with Leliana, or Zevran, or any single person in Stardew Valley, or any single person in Dragon Age 2, or - you get it. actually, the guy who I broke up with - let's call him Derek - made a joke about pansexuality that I thought was interesting. we were joking about straight genocide because lmao, and we were deliberating on, if an alien race came down to earth, what sexuality would they have to be to evade straight genocide (I know, it was a weird setup). Derek said "pan - if the aliens won't fuck me they die." obviously an extreme, which is why my knee-jerk reaction was to laugh, but honestly...do straight people really think that pan/bisexuality actually means "attracted to everyone"? everyone??? is bisexuality just the convenient option, existing to accommodate any potential suitor? I find myself squirming at bi/pan ppl who say they're attracted to everyone, cuz "everyone's so cute, i just wanna cuddle!!! hit me up, whoever you are i'm probably into it!" anyone who DOES feel this way is free to be with and cuddle whoever they want, of course - but i fear that this accommodating approach to sexuality is a surefire way to attract creeps, manipulators, and abusers. (for the record, it is NEVER the victim's fault for an abuser's shit behavior.) bisexuals are much more likely to experience sexual assault and abuse, and i feel like this sense of entitlement (and consequent accommodation) is why. i just want to tell these bi/pan ppl: please, for the love of god, set firm boundaries and have standards for how you want to be treated. you're allowed to reject ppl, to not be interested, to say no - just like straight and gay ppl are. someone who feels entitled to your entire sexual/romantic history, your body, your sexuality as a whole, *does not deserve it.* (unrelated sorta, but it reminds me of how cis folks grill non-binary ppl on their definitions of gender. nb ppl have to justify how and why they identify the way they do, answering alllll these complicated questions abt themselves - they're expected to be masters of queer theory in order to validate their own existence, and that shit is exhausting. there's so few resources, and so little representation of nonbinary existence, that it's difficult to explain their inner experiences and have widely-recognized terms for everything they feel. plus, oftentimes this need to self-justify leaves NO ROOM for interpretation, gray-area, experimentation, fluidity, change, differences in experience between non-binary people, and FUN. sound familiar?) okay I wrote way too much, I honestly should just make my own video lmfaoooo. I'm so sorry for the essay but if anyone read this far, I hope you could take something from this!
I loved this! I was talking with my best friend the other day about how comphet effects non-binary and the ace spectrum (my best friend is ace) I would love more content about comphet from different angles and just talking about gender and sexuality and how they link and everything like that! I find it extremely helpful!
Fun fact: if you are attracted to men you cannot experience comphet given that comphet is rooted in misogyny. It is a term that is only applicable to lesbians. This video is talking about heteronormativity there is a difference between the two. Can you guys please just leave lesbians alone. We really can’t have anything.
Comphet is when a person forces themselves to like men because of the patriarchy forcing it into them, If you genuinely like men then you dont and can’t experience comphet because you aren’t forcing yourself to like men. You people really can’t leave lesbians alone can you.
I've left a new pinned comment on this video - I'm sorry for conflating the two! You're right, what I mean is heteronormativity, which can often be mistaken for comp het. I thought I was a lesbian woman experiencing comp het, when I was actually a non binary queer person experiencing heteronormativity. The two can be confusing and I will make sure to make clear which I'm addressing in the future :)
Not exactly. It also applies to asexual and aromantic women. It's almost like ALL women are in some way affected by the patriarchy and lesbians are just one subgroup. Lesbians came up with the term because they were one of the first groups to emerge, form a community, notice this, and then talk about it. That doesn't mean they're the only ones negatively affected by this particular cultural narrative.
Thank you so much!! I was so freaked out because i am really in love with my boyfriend and that thing was so black and white. When things are shades of grey. My anxiety said 📈
I am so so glad this video helped with that! I have actually requestioned and gOd I wish I had known just how nuanced Comp het was before I jumped to conclusions. I wish you love for your journey and your relationship!! ❤️
I feel the same, recently I've really been questioning my sexuality - I was thinking I could be asexual but I found the comphet doc and the fact that I related to so many of them was a really scary thought. I was like what if I'm actually just a lesbian?? But I love my boyfriend so like ???
i feel like people forget that comphet is short for compulsory heterosexuality. heterosexuality is not exclusive to one gender. therefore gay men & people on the ace/aro spectrum can experience comphet. just because it’s rooted in misogyny doesn’t mean it can’t affect people who aren’t women.
Hey could you make a whole video on comp het affecting bisexuals? That would be really great. I saw your comment asking another person if we wanted to see it
all y’all commenting “the term you’re actually looking for is heteronormativity, this is co-opting a lesbian experience”- heteronormativity is the overarching concept whereas compulsory heterosexuality is the actual praxis of it all. Compulsory heterosexuality is how heteronormativity actively plays out in the intimate personal lives of people, and it can be experienced by many types of people in our society. We exist in a patriarchal society, which is the filter by which we experience life. Heteronormativity is the macrocosmic overlay whereas the personal experience of comphet is the microcosmic.
You have no idea how much this video means to me as a bisexual femme presenting enby! So many people talk about comphet excluding people like me, there's popular web resources on comphet which doesn't even mention the possibility of being bi. Thank you so much for this and Happy Pride!
I love that you actually did that comphet about bisexuality! Also I love that you called out the bi erasure! But sadly, as a bisexual she/her, the most erasure that I got is from actually lesbians, and not straight people! Can you cover that topic from this perspective? Also, it would be interesting if you talked about the asexual/demisexual/etc and the romantic aspects from the community (demirom, arom, polirom, etc)
Oh wow, I consider myself non-binary and lately I've been trying to consume other peoples' experiences and ideas, just came across this video and saw you just posted it! I loved it, really made me think :)
well overall your points don't make sense with labeling it as comphet. comphet is a lesbian exclusive term because it's linked deeply with misogyny, and heteronormaity to make comphet. bisexual women, straight women, and non-lesbian non binary people can experience those two separately, but as they can still experience attraction to men, it's not possible. describing comphet would be in a way "I need to be a man's woman. I need to be straight and meet society's standards. I must experience this attraction." ALL the "attraction" is forced. if some of the attraction you experience towards men is genuine, then it's not comphet. it's just heteronormaity and internalized homophobia playing with you. I've also seen many people in the comments say aroace people can experience it. if you're an aroace lesbian (like me), then yes, it's possible. but if you're just aroace, then no. like I said, comphet is linked with misogyny and the expectations to be a man's woman. if you feel zero attraction to anyone, then it's not linked with misogyny in the same way. it's just heteronormativity. please don't take lesbian labels and twist them, lesbian erasure is already bad enough as it is. we have very few things that let us describe who we are and understand each other, trying to include non-lesbians when they just don't and can't go through the same things we do is damaging.
hey! the theory of heteronormativity was developed to improve upon comp het which was seen as too narrow, it's not a version of comp het for all the other groups. Many of the features of comp het described online as ONLY relatable to lesbians are actually relatable to many other groups too, and while it impacts lesbians uniquely, it's not just lesbians that experience it.
Thank you for this video! I'm non-binary and bi and when I read the comphet doc around a year ago it sent me on a big spiral of feeling like I should maybe iD as a lesbian (as I tick a whole lot of the things on the list) but I've now come to realise that the overlapping of comphet for lesbians, bisexual peeps and non-binaryness just makes things messy. You're right though, I'm constantly trying to work out what I want, vs what I think I was because of comphet + society, and what I think I want because I want to be seen as my queer self by society (fun times)
@@huggletonthesecond761 compHET is the pressure to be straight, which as a bisexual person I feel. Sure the way I experience it is going to be different to a lesbian but I do experience it. Stop trying to gatekeep shit, what you're trying to do coming into the RUclips comments to argue with strangers idk but maybe go find something more productive or at least fun to do with your time?
Trixic honestly makes me super uncomfortable because it seems like a label that is assigned to nonbinary people rather than a self ID. Like i can’t be a nonbinary lesbian I have to be a trixic person. But that being said I’ll never be caught saying someone else can’t use it.
So valid! I also feels uncomfortable because trixic and toric exist to separating describe afab and amab non binary people?? Which is so biological and weird and unnecessary! People can use them if they like but I agree - it's all about self identification :)))
@@TallulahGuard Hey, the word "trixic" means attraction of a non-binary person to women and "toric" attraction of a a non-binary person to men. However, the specific gender alignment or sex assigned at birth of the non-binary person is not specified by the definition. You could be trixic and anywhere on the non-binary spectrum, so it's not just femme-aligned non-binary folks who can claim the label "trixic". What is specific to the labels trixic and toric is that they do not take into account the gender of the person experiencing attraction at all, so you could be femme aligned and toric or masc aligned and trixic. Furthermore, the words "trixic" and "toric" don't imply exclusive attraction either, so one could identify as both trixic and toric if that feels comfortable to them.
Hi! I just put a new pinned comment on this video about this. I'm sorry for using the phrase comp het when what I really meant was that heteronormativity (experienced by non lesbians) can feel a lot like comp het and has lots in common with it. The two are not the same and I'm sorry for conflating them.
I genuinely wish there was a larger discussion of comp get within trans circles... Like it affects a lot of us regardless of our perceived gender at birth.. like alot trans binary and nonbinary people have had comp het but I feel like we don't really talk about it because many cis lesbians gatekeep the comphet experience
I agree! It's come to my attention more recently that comp het is a solely lesbian experience, but it does have a LOT in common with heteronormativity, which can impact anyone, including trans and/or non-binary folks. I really want there to be more discussion of both and their overlap!! I also agree that trans and non-binary lesbians need to be more included in comp het discussions!
Compulsory heterosexuality, often shortened to comphet, is the theory that heterosexuality is assumed and enforced upon women by a patriarchal and heteronormative society. Comphet is a form of heteronormativity.
@@noodlejoshi Actually no. Straight and bi women also feel pressure to date men even if they are not ready to date or even if they want to remain single and pursue other ambitions. Just because they can be attracted to men doesn't mean they should be forced to date them by the system. Yet, the system of comphet puts undue pressure on all women to perform heterose xual duties regardless.
@@venuslove-i1v but comphet is the forced attraction to men , not to just date a guy but men as a whole and , a non lesbian saying they have comphet just invalidates their attraction to men bc its self contradictory comphet is specifically for lesbians they are experiencing a different form of heteronormativity bc they do have attraction to men but dont feel a need to settle down with one where as lesbians dont feel any sort of attraction to men whatsoever
@@noodlejoshi Comphet is not the forced attraction to men. The definition of comphet is the theory that heterosexuality is assumed and enforced upon women by a patriarchal and heteronormative society. It is societal and does not for the most part reflect how one feels toward men. It does not force women to feel attraction; it forces women to marry and date men regardless of their attraction. I encourage you to read Adrienne Rich's book called Compulsory Heterosexuality. Adrienne Rich was the one who coined the term Comphet. For a bi person comphet can make them repress their attraction to women. For a straight woman it can make them date and marry even if they are not ready to do so. Comphet takes many forms but still effects all women regardless of their attractions.
Yes, please, more of this type of content. Get as academic as you want! I love it and could keep watching a lot longer! Thank you, Tallulah, for making this video and so many of the other videos you've made on similar topics.
I'm so glad you found it helpful, that means a lot to me!! It's so ok to be confused, I still am quite a lot :) This stuff is complicated!! Don't pressure yourself to find a label or a set identity, you're so valid and I'm sending you love
That is such an interesting idea! I definitely feel invisible as a trans/non-binary person lots of the time, and since I'm with a man, my relationship can appear 'straight'.
Uh idk if you're gonna see this but I agree with the video you made. I only know comphet bc of tiktok lol. I looked into richs essay and saw comphet (or compulsory heterosexuality) in a different way. Like you said in the video bi, even straight women, and Non binary people can indeed experience comphet bc that's what Rich said in her essay. I saw a tiktok recently saying how they read the masterdoc and thought they were a lesbian but in reality they were not and ended up having issues with the term. They further explained that comphet is indeed experience by everyone no matter sexuality and lesbians claiming that it's an only lesbian experience can really mislead bi and straight women thinking they're lesbians but in reality they're not. Like if I was 13 in this day and age and saw that I would have thought I was a lesbian buttttt in reality I'm just not. Also, read through the comments and was baffled to see the harassment you got. I wouldn't worry about it bc I've came across the r/bisexual reddit and someone made a post saying that a girl on Twitter talking about her experience with comphet and being bisexual and she got dogpiled and harassed by lesbians- something I saw under this video. In the thread they all agree bi and straight ppl can experience comphet. You even got a sex and health psychologist on reddit saying he hates the doc bc it was written in such a psychological way to make someone 100% secure in their sexuality to bc obsessed (even if they have OCD). Bisexuals and other members of the lgbtq community are expressing their feelings on how annoying it is about the term comphet bc gatekeeping by lesbians bc its something anyone can experience. I believe, in my controversial opinion, that if lesbians see others relating to comphet and saying that the masterdoc is flawed they would end up thinking they're not actually lesbians. They they do everything in their power to harass those people and protect the doc so their feelings won't get invalidated. I hope that wasn't being harsh bc I do see others with that opinion and I kinda agree. If the label lesbian makes you happy even after finding out the doc is flawed and still want to ID as a lesbian go thats fine. Like the doc was written by a 19 year old girl at the time. It's not a reliable resource even if it comes from tumblr. I rather stick with the og essay.
Thank you for commenting!! I have always said that lesbians experience comp het in a distinct way but it can also being experienced by other groups! Yeah it sucks the way this video was received, but I got over it haha. I'm glad it's helped some people anyway! Probably could improve it now but it is what it is :)))
No stay outta lesbian buisness you ALREADY have a term its called heteronormativity only lesbians experience comp het this person in the video literally knows nothinf
im super late to the game but anyways, great video! i don’t understand, why don’t you have more followers? great content and you are gorgeous by the way 😊🌺
Thank you for the section about nb people. I’m pretty much only into men, but regardless I’ve never seen comp het discussed within the context how it affects us. I agreed with everything you said and still despise how binary language holds us back.
Thank you for making this! I've been struggling with my identity as I am non-binary and bisexual and dealt with comp het. This has been very helpful and has made me feel less alone
@@rivarm1y_850 Not that it's any of your business, but comphet for me means that I felt the need to date cishet men. I have worked through this and come to terms with my identity since. I still identify as bisexual because I am attracted to more than one gender, but this does not include men. There are more genders than men and women and bisexuality does not necessarily include men. It's really none of your business, but you are in no place to invalidate anyone on their struggles. You are propagating hate in the community when we face enough from cishets and it is not okay.
Now understand that I'm saying this as a woman, but men suffer under comp-het too. Men can: * Feel pressure to always be in a (heterosexual) relationship * Stay in a bad relationship because they're "suposed to" * Feel bad about themselves for _not_ being in a relationship This isn't a women only issue, men also have feelings and can relate to almost all of those points.
@@TallulahGuard Oh thank god. You know how much actual grief I get for bringing men up sometimes? It's wild. So I appreciate someone who can also empathize. Not all men are Men™, you know? They're people who feel pressure too.
Actually, comphet is a form of heteronormativity. Definition: Compulsory heterose xuality, often shortened to comphet, is the theory that heterose xuality is assumed and enforced upon women by a patriarchal and heteronormative society. It is not and was never about attraction at all. Adrienne Rich, who coined the term, spoke mostly about how society forces women to date men whether it was because they didn't like men or even if they weren't ready or willing to date. It effects women of all se xualities as a result. Just because straight and bi women can be attracted to men doesn't mean they want to date them. Yet, comphet puts undue pressure on them to date men even when they want to remain single and pursue ambitions. When the term was coined it was in the 1970s and 80s when all women were expected to marry men. Adrienne particularly used the term describe all women, not just lesbians.
@@alyssabat You know what's funny? We can't have any bi characters without you guys mislabeling them and calling them lesbian. Yet here we are... By the way, the mother of pride month was a bi woman...yet yall get to celebrate it. It's funny how when we share of our things it's ok, but you all are ok with ignoring us and isolating us from your things. Not surprised. Too much monosexism to me.
You aren’t a lesbian, you don’t get to take our exclusive terms and cry that we don’t include everyone in them. Comphet is a lesbian experience only. Other queer people experience heteronormity, NOT comphet. Inform yourself before you speak over lesbians.
hello! I am not speaking over lesbians, I am making a resource talking about the experience of the social pressure to be with men. This impacts lesbians uniquely and I have never denied this. But it also impacts other groups and silencing bi people/non-binary people etc who experience it too (if differently) doesn't help anyone. I have never discredited a lesbian's account or experience of comp het. We're all just LGBTQ+ folks tryna make sense of the world and I know from many comments that this video has helped people. It clearly wasn't for you but I hope we can at least be respectful in the comments
@@TallulahGuard “I am not speaking over lesbians!” Proceeds to speak over lesbians. It does NOT effect other groups, that is called HETERONORMITY. NOT COMPHET. Comphet is a lesbian only term, stop appropriating our unique experiences. Bi women will never experience comphet because they are attracted to men. They may feel heteronormity, but NOT COMPHET.
„You can be affected by comphet and still have a genuine capacity to be in a happy and healthy, fulfilling relationship with a men” - I don’t exactly know why but this sentence alone made me realise that I’m sure I’m gay - had questioned that, but seeing it from this perspective made things soooo clear - I realised relationships with men definitely wouldn’t make me feel fulfilled thank you 🩷🩷
no.. comphet is just for lesbians. compulsory heterosexuality can and is for everyone else. if you're gay you can have compulsory heterosexuality but not comphet.- a lesbian
@@viv549 I think you're missing the point, compulsive heterosexuality IS comphet... its an abbreviation. You're just saying everyone can gave compulsive heterosexuality but only lesbians can gave compulsive heterosexuality
The two terms are highly related - heteronormativity arose out of compulsory heterosexuality (and aimed to remedy some of the more controversial aspects of it, like Rich's idea that women could choose to be lesbians). I wrote this video as a direct response to my own experience: reading a lot about comp het, relating A LOT, coming out as gay, then months later realising I was actually still bisexual. The author of the lesbian masterdoc came out as bi years later. I get your point to an extent, but the video is intended to help those who strongly connect with the experiences of comp het, but aren't lesbians.
I think it’s often difficult for me to figure out whether I’m experiencing internalized biphobia or comphet. I currently prefer women and fem non binary people, so it can be confusing at times.
hey! I have personally experienced comp het :) As most people raised as girls have. Non-lesbians and lesbians experience it differently many experience it. Heck, I thought I was a lesbian because of how intensely I related to comp het resources I found. So it does have to do with me and I hope we can respect eachother's journeys and remember we're all just LGBTQ+ folks tryna make sense of the world
@@TallulahGuard says the one making a video on something lesbians experience as someone who is not even a lesbian and giving people misinformation about a topic
Comp het is forcing yourself fo like men, if you like men then you don't experience comp het y'all wanna be lesbians so bad and its tiring. Stop tryna include yourself in lesbian problems
Some lesbians wanna dunk on their sisters of other sexualities so much they push a lot of the same attitudes they accuse the straights of. Also by your definition, it's still not an exclusively lesbian thing.
Just because we like SOME men does not mean we like EVERY man. We can feel forced to be in a relationship with / like a man that we are not attractred to because of comphet. For example feeling like we must like a man who is conventionally attractive even though we actually are more attracted to men who don't fit the masc-stereotypes.
So I was sure I was a lesbian until I started reading romance book where the men are perfect and beautiful and emotionally intelligent and I felt so drawn to them and the thing is ugh idk
one of the things in the lesbian masterdox says that even if you are attracted to fake fictional men, men online, men you read about and feel deeply about you can still be lesbian. because you have no chance having a future with them. you have no idea how you’d actually feel if you were with them in real life, what you have is a romanticised version. Also if a woman had written the book it makes a lot of sense too cause you’re seeing a man through the female gaz/lens:) Rely on experience with real men to guide you to your label 💖💖
Comphet is a lesbian only term bc it first appeared on a lesbian essay written by a lesbian for lesbians only :/ I guess the term you are looking for is heteronormavity which includes mlm, nblm and wlw/nblw
Hey!! I get this and I have read the essay ❤️ I choose to use the term more broadly because so many people read "signs of comp het" and assume they can only apply to lesbians when in fact they apply to lots of people! I don't think the term has to be restricted to the lesbian experience because lots of its ramifications are felt by people across the community. Judith Butler uses comp het as a term across the community in their work 🥰
You are soo wrong. comp het has NOTHING to do with Lesbianism or even wlws. It's related to patriarchy and misogyny. That doc completely misrepresented it and is full of misrepresentation
using the essay as an excuse to say that “comphet only affects lesbians” is not good, specially since the person who wrote it was a radical feminist who believed in political lesbianism. political lesbianism is hurtful to the lesbian community because it says that any woman can identify as a lesbian (even if they’re attracted to men) as long as they prioritize relationships with other women. that’s why there’s two types of comphet. the radical one (used by radfems/terfs, that say only lesbians can experience it, and is related to political lesbianism) and the queer one (reclaimed by the lgbtq+ community years ago, that says any queer person can experience it)
Another nonbinary comp het issue I've seen is when you are in a heterosexual-passing relationship and you either suppress or just fear coming out at nonbinary.
What if the thought of being a lesbian and being with a woman is repulsive? What if you’d rather be alone than be with a woman? What if you keep looking for reassurances that you are not attracted to women? The thought of being attracted to women is majorly depressive and makes me spiral into major panic attacks.
Hey! Firstly, I hope you're ok. If you're experiencing frequent panic attacks (I do too!) I would advise talking to someone about it if you can and maybe trying some coping mechanisms like breathing exercises, mindfulness and exercise. If this is all related to your sexuality, that is understandable. I can't know or tell you what this means for you and who you love. It could be that a potential attraction to women distresses you because you've been taught it's wrong. Just know that it's not wrong, it's ok and normal. If under the fear it could be something you want, that's ok. If not, that's ok too! You are normal and valid and loved. It's ok to be confused and to question and the fear is so understandable but over time it will all get less scary ❤️
I really need more discussion and info about non binary people+ their experience with comphet bc🌝I can’t seem to find much! guess I’ll check out Judith butler and just try to not think too much about comphet😭🌝too many complicated things =_________=
Great video. I'm a asexual women who has been struggling to understand my romantic attraction For a long time now. When I first heard about comp het I was like that's a exactly me. I started to wonder if I was homo romantic or if I was not asexual at all maybe I was a lesbian. I still don't know. I find it so hard to tell the difference between thinking you have to be in a relationship because that's what you do or if l genuinely have feelings for women and effeminate presenting people.
PLEASE READ Re: the difference between comp het and heteronormativity and my choice of words: I have read all the comments recently expressing frustration that I've used the word comp het to describe the experience of non-lesbians. While I'm sad the discussions have gotten heated at times, I want to say that it would have been better for me to use 'heteronormativity'. I fully appreciate and understand that lesbians have a unique experience and I don't want to undermine that or have it seem like I'm speaking over you all. What is most useful and accurate and what really explains what I mean in this video is that: the experience of heteronormativity for non-lesbians can often be mistaken for comp het, which can lead to a lot of confusion for non-lesbians. There is overlap between the experiences, but comp het includes genuinely not being attracted to men, which I didn't make clear in this video. I know this video has been useful for non-lesbians, but I don't want my choice of words to invalidate the experience of lesbians, and I'm sorry to anyone I've upset. Tallulah xx
the aromantic version is having platonic and sexual attraction to someone and then suffering from severe imposter syndrome because you have no lense with which to understand what "romantic attraction" is and you've just assumed your whole life that its just platonic + sexual attraction, and now you think you're faking your identity for attention. call that romcom...p
Thanks for sharing! l really enjoyed your other comp het videos too :). I’m very much trying to wrap my head around this all at the minute. Am I bi and being fucked over by internalised biphobia, or gay and being fucked by comp-het? Or some horrible combination of all of the above?? My brain is a great place to be right now 🙃🙃🙃
I feel this So Hard. I've publicly come out but guess what? I'm still questioning!! Labels can be the best and also the worse! There is no quick fix and sometimes the best thing to accept is that you can't always pin it down all the time and that as long as you respect yourself and the people in your life, it's hard to go wrong ❤️ sending love! 🌠
I heard people saying comphet was only directed at lesbians and I was so confused because there are absolutely gay men who feel like they need to be in straight relationships??? Is there supposed to be another word for that or do we just ignore that??
What gay men experience (coming from a gay men!!) Is internalised homophobia, heteronortivity. Please don't believe what the person in the video says, they don't know what they are saying, no one but lesbians experience comphet.
Could someone explain to me which people are meant by non-binary lesbians? Is it non-binary people who are exclusively attracted to women? Is it feminine presenting non-binary people who are exclusively attracted to women? Is it afab non-binary people who are exclusively attracted to women? Cause I've heard the term a few times but I never heard a definition of some kind
Hey! There is no definition beyond: a person who vibes with both labels! It could be any or all of your suggestions. Or another situation! I like to think of labels as for community and communication, not rigid boxes or rules. Hope that makes sense!
@@TallulahGuard thx for the quick reply. Yes, this makes sense and I agree that labels should not be these rigid boxes and thid amount of gatekeeping is definitely a problem in the community we should fix. I am just wondering why calling a nb person a lesbian isn't invalidating their gender identity. Cause I'd say the general public would define a lesbian as a women who is exclusively attracted to women. But well, I'm neither non-binary, nor a woman, nor attracted to women (= a gay man), so I guess I don't really have a say who should feel invalidated by the term nb lesbian XD But still, it would feel kinda wrong and invalidating to call my afab nb friend (who is exclusively attracted to women) a lesbian. Idk
i am SO TIRED of being told by the lesbian community that bisexual, pansexual, queer, and other sapphic women cannot experience comphet. we can, and it's real.
But this person is wrong and sapphic people are wlw so they can experience comphet is something only lesbians can experience this video is not even a good resource
I will defo make more on these topics!! So much to cover! I would recommend having a look into Judith Butler's ideas on gender performativity (their academic writing is v dense but you can find their ideas summarised online!)
I’m so glad I found this video. Bisexual here! And yeah the whole, “am I sure I’m not lesbian” came out. But also, I’m especially struggling with the, “I should be in a relationship” part. Anyway this was very validating and I appreciate it so much!
No I'm so happy I found their video too ✋😭 like I'm hetero but I was bullied so much growing up and I had some personal stuff happened last year. Ofc all that ruined me and I developed severe anxiety about relationships and I didn't even relate to any of the "interest in women" parts in the doc. So, idk why I freaked out so much. It's literally my anxiety and overthinking too.
Hi. Recently, I got told by someone online that I can't experience comphet because I'm bi. Which baffled me and made me feel kind of shit because I have *definitely* felt pressure to be straight. What this person said, even though I know they were likely just being biphobic (they seemed... hostile to bisexuals) has been playing on my mind a lot since it happened. I feel invalidated by what they said, even though I know I shouldn't let it get to me. But that's the story of my life, I do let things get to me. All the time. Anyway, I came across this video when I was looking up if bisexuals can experience comphet bc I was worried I had been accidentally co-opting a lesbian thing without knowing it now. I want to thank you for this video, it made me feel more valid again. I have genuine attraction to men; I LOVE men. I personally am very hypersexual and I often have sexual fantasies abt men I like, honestly more than I do women most of the time (altho I do still think that way abt women too). I love tall, older, bearded, hairy men, like I am def into men and masculine presentation. But I also love women and my type in women is hyperfeminine. Sometimes, my lean will flip for a few weeks and I'll be fantasising abt women instead. I've had both boyfriends and girlfriends and I loved all my partners. So I know I am def bi, but I also know I've experienced comphet. Growing up, I never really questioned my sexuality until I was like 14 bc I was into men so of course I was straight, y'know? I didn't know bi was a thing until I was 12 and I knew I wasn't gay so. I still remember the first time I found out abt bi and read the definition. It was strange, it was half like I immediately knew that, that was me, but also half of me pushed it to the back of my head like "no, that's not me, I can't be LGBT+, I like boys" 😅 And when I was 14, my friend at the time told me she thought she was bi bc she thought she fancied Demi Lovato (I know Demi is non-binary now and uses they/them pronouns but at this time, we thought they were a cis woman so we used she/her in our messages abt them, I apologise but that's how the messages were written, if you think I should edit this comment, please let me know and I will!). I still have the messages, and I replied to my friend, and I quote "it could just be you think she looks pretty! I've thought that before, thinking I was bi, when really I just thought they were pretty!" 😭😂🤦🏻♀️ Anyway, my friend asked me to come over then to talk to her abt it all bc she was feeling quite alone and scared of the possibility of her being bi so I went over her house and we talked abt Demi and watched their documentary that was out at the time and afterwards, I was walking back to my house and thinking "I feel the exact same way abt Demi, am I bi? Is it not 'normal' for straight girls to feel this way?" and then, a few weeks later, I was in town with my mum and my mum went in this shop and I waited outside and I saw these girls walk past who I thought were attractive and caught myself staring at their bums and the penny finally properly dropped lol. I went into a panic and first thing I did was text my best friend who, still to this day, I would trust with my life, and I told her I thought I was bi. Really, I knew I was bi but I was only beginning to reckon with it so I said thought instead. She was super lovely and accepting and soon, I began to come out to everyone. But yeah, looking back, there were so many signs. As a kid, I would play house with my female friend and we would be in the same bed together, pretending to be husband and wife. I would also "compare pubic hair" with the same friend when we first began developing. 😅 I was a weird child lol. I would make my dolls kiss and I begged my mum to let me watch The L Word with her (she's gay herself) but obviously, she said no bc of the sex scenes lol. She would wait till night and send me to bed before she watched it lmao. I had a crush on one of my best friends when I was like 11, I let her "share" my boyfriend lmao and once, during a game of truth or dare, I dared her to kiss me on the cheek and when she did, I was BEAMING lol. Poor girl was so freaked out by my reaction. 😅 I was obsessed with HSM and when Vanessa Hudgens' nudes leaked, I kept searching for an uncensored version that wouldn't get caught up in the nanny filter my parents installed on my computer lol. I desperately wanted to see them and I was only like 9 rip. 😅😅😅 When I was 13, me and the friend I had a crush on slept in the same bed in our bras and pyjamas and I couldn't stop staring at her boobs when she wasn't looking. And I had this friend at school that I clearly fancied and after I came out and realised I fancied her, she became my first girlfriend and we dated for like 8 months. Also before I came out, I would heart pictures of girls kissing on WeHeartIt and I also wrote a girl x girl love story called You Belong With Me (yes, after the Taylor Swift song). Back then, I brushed it all off as just "girl crushes", "experimentation", "being an ally" but now I'm screaming at my past self like HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW lol. I feel like comphet made me feel like bc I liked boys, how could I be anything but straight, y'know?? I adore men, but I also adore women. Adoring men doesn't mean that I haven't felt the pressure to be straight bc I have. I've been threatened with physical violence for being bi, I've lost friends for it. Of course there was a pressure to be straight, there is for everyone. And I think all queer people can experience comphet bc of this pressure. Thank you for making me feel validated and helping me confirm what I've always known: that I did experience comphet growing up. I really need to stop giving biphobes the attention they want, honestly. But they just upset me so much, it's hard. 😔 Anyway, thank you again. ♥️♥️♥️ This was great.
bi folks are SO impacted by comp het!! In fact the author of the lesbian masterdoc just came out as bi herself! I relate to lots of what you've said :))) I'm so so glad you got something from the video and I'm sorry you've been made to feel invalid. You are so valid!!!
Thank you for this, i’ve experienced comphet as a bi/pan/queer(idek) and demisexual woman, and i keep having panics where i think i’m lesbian (while still having panic where i think i’m straight), but i’ve experienced genuine attraction and i think i was in love with my ex(man)(i say think bc love is a strong word). But at the same time i’ve chosen boys to have crushes on, when i didn’t have crushes on actual boys. And it gets more complex with being demi, bc it takes a while for me to get romantically/sexually attracted to people. A lesbian person on tiktok blocked me for asking them (don’t remember pronouns) to not invalidate my experiences, bc they were telling me that i can’t have experienced comphet as a bisexual, and that the master doc is for only lesbians so i can’t criticize it bc it wasn’t made for me (they made vid mocking bi people for finding the master doc biphobic with biphobia as a hashtag, and while i don’t think it is, the vibe can get off a little bit in it) Idk i
Thank you for this video! One more group that's strongly affected and never gets talked about is asexual and aromantic people as well
Omg I should make a video on this!!! ❤️
@@TallulahGuard it really is a nuanced issue that affects so many people and I love your content on it! ❤
Thank you so much!!! That means the world 🥰
this person is wrong it’s heteronormativity
Yessss!!! I've only just come across the concept of comphet, and while researching I've been growing increasingly frustrated with the underlying assumption that because I'm not attracted to men, I must be attracted to women. I'm just not.
Comphet isn't just for lesbians. Just because bisexuals like SOME men does not mean we like EVERY man. We can feel forced to be in a relationship with / like a man that we are not attracted to because of comphet. For example feeling like we must like a man who is conventionally attractive even though we actually are more attracted to men who don't fit the masc-stereotypes. Comphet is real and a struggle for the lesbian community, but it is also real for others. We are all affected by heteronormativity, and this can cause us to be in relationships with men that are not actually what we want, regardless of our sexuality.
but even straight women get that. straight women might feel like they have to date every guy fben if they’re not their type ( maybe for validation or maybe other reasons) even if they don’t actually like him. that’s not comphet
@@totallyasmr5402stares in aro, yeah. same here, i wish people also acknowledged how it affects men and mascs. or fems.
like, im a transmasc and lesbian, but im also aro, yet im expected to date every women or sum shit, but like. ive onlt ever liked my gf and thats it
All those beekeepers are just BESTFRIENDS, they’re just really close and sleep in the same bed and live together to prove their friendship
omg yes just gals being pals
@@TallulahGuard Bahahahahbqaxhsihswxb
As a lesbian, to all the wrong people in the comments, comphet isn’t “forcing yourself to like men”. It’s “being forced by the society and it’s people to seem appealing to men etc.”. So it’s easy to interpert as “being forced to like men.”. Although comphet was originally aligned as a lesbian exclusive term, it really isn’t. It’s also why you shouldn’t use only the lesbian masterdoc to see if you’re a lesbian or not. And I do understand why ppl think heteronormativity is the only option for bi women in this topic. Though similar to compjet, any queer women could have issues with heteronormativity.
This is so interesting! I've recently felt that gender and sexuality are slightly more linked than people say, as an asexual aromantic person I've been questioning my gender identity and sometimes feel like "what's the point of me having a gender anyway, since it's only purpose seems to be in attracting a partner anyway?" Like, I feel disconnected from gender because it doesn't really serve a purpose for me. Fascinating stuff!
Thank you!! I find it so interesting too! I'm also questioning my gender hehe. That makes so much sense! If you don't connect with it a ton you don't need to! I will def make some gender content when I can ❤️
@@TallulahGuard _gender content_
I’m aroace too and I feel the same!!
For those of you of the ignorant in the comment section who clearly don't know what comphet is, here is a tip: All women experience it. Comphet is a form of heteronormativity. Definition: Compulsory heterose xuality, often shortened to comphet, is the theory that heterose xuality is assumed and enforced upon women by a patriarchal and heteronormative society. It is not and was never about attraction at all. Adrienne Rich, who coined the term, spoke mostly about how society forces women to date men whether it was because they didn't like men or even if they weren't ready or willing to date. It effects women of all se xualities as a result. Just because straight and bi women can be attracted to men doesn't mean they want to date them. Yet, comphet puts undue pressure on them to date men even when they want to remain single and pursue other ambitions. When the term was coined it was in the 1970s and 80s when all women were expected to marry men. Adrienne particularly used the term to describe all women, not just lesbians. Adrienne was a political lesbian who did not believe that women could be truly straight at all. She believed we all were victims of comphet and that we could choose to be lesbian if we wanted to or choose not to date men despite our sexuality, as most political lesbians of the 1970s believed.
Also I've notice girls on tiktok making those "nothing comes between me and being a lesbian but I got back with my bf" or "I'm gay but that I'm falling for that nerdy bky" type of vids in tiktik? Idk it seems off to me
I've been going in circles as a bisexual woman trying to learn more about comp het. It felt pretty confusing to read all this stuff about comp het which was validating but I couldn't reckon with content telling me this might mean I'm a lesbian. Thanks for talking about this!
I'm so glad you found this video helpful!! Would you find a whole video on comp het for bisexuals useful??
@@TallulahGuard sounds fab!
Yes please x
@@TallulahGuard Yes please make a whole video on how comp het affects bisexuals. That would be soo greatt
twitter.com/gothhabiba/status/1264648141518888960?s=21 - this is an amazing thread on the way comp het affects lesbians, straight and bi women!!
Isn’t this just heteronormativity? Comphet is forcing yourself to like men. Bi women can be attracted to men. They can experience heteronormativity but not comphet
Yeah only lesbians can experience comphet but bi ppl can experience heteronormativity
@@gww1234 nope! Bi people can have issues with comphet.
@@monsterhighfan144 no they can't comphet is being forced by society to be attracted to men but bi people are attracted to men so they'll never experience comphet
@@gww1234 comphet isn't even forcing yourself to like men BYE I'm done with this beef ✋😭
@@monsterhighfan144 i didn't say it's forcing yourself to like men I said it was a mysoginistic society that forces lesbians to feel attracted to men when they aren't
This is the best videoo everr!!! More people should watch this!!! Thank you so much for clarifying that. I am bi and there have been times where i have mistaken male validation as male attraction or liking attention from guys as actually liking guys. And i've also lost interest in boys or panicked once they liked me back one or two times. But other than that, i have actual genuine attraction to boys and i am sure of that. So i was really confused about my identity when alayna joy and other bisexuals came out as gay. But this video clarified my confusion. Thanks a lot. Lots of love!!!❤❤❤
y'all wanna be lesbian so bad you are experiencing HETERONORMATIVITY not comp het that's a lesbian term only bi people can not and will never experience comp het
Thank you so much for making this!! So many people think comphet only affects lesbians and uhhh no it really affects us all. If anyone's looking for bisexual perspectives on comphet Robyn Ochys has written a lot on the subject and is a super cool bisexual activist in general.
Thank you for the recc!! Will def make more content like this ❤️
It only affectes lesbians.
it only affects lesbians
@@chae444 no it doesn't lol
@@monsterhighfan144 yes it does dumbo
Thanks for highlighting wider parts of the comp het aftermath! It's pretty eye-opening to realise that comp het is the cause of the bi-erasure I have to deal with.
I'm glad you found it interesting!!! ❤️
bi erasure you have to deal with? you LIKE men meaning you can't experience comp het because you aren't forcing yourself to like men you already do stop tryna include yourself in lesbian business
Thank you so much for speaking on this! I have always identified as being a straight woman - I've only ever dated men, and even though I've studied gender and sexuality extensively and been a LGBTQIA+ ally for ages, I had always just kind of assumed that I was straight and that was it. After seeing so many wonderful folx online discuss comp het this year, it really got to me examine my history and see how comp het ruled my formative years as well. Growing up in the southeastern US in a church community definitely didn't help either, as comp het is the only language through which churches know how to talk to (at) young girls. It was so pushed on me, that I should be grateful for any attention from the male gaze, and should aggressively seek after it! But in a PURE and GODLY way!!
I am now reexamining my actual attractions, because I've realized that even after dismantling all the purity culture bullshit of my youth, I kept the assumption of straightness without really questioning it. But my inner environment, my fantasies about exploring intimacy with others - often this has included women. But it was never included in my actual pursuits of intimacy and relationship. Is this why? Am I actually attracted to women, but never allowed myself to think of it beyond idle musings or daydreams because it wasn't "allowable" by comp het standards? As you mentioned, I do genuinely believe my attraction to men and pursuit of healthy relationships with them is real - so this leaves me wondering if I am less straight and more bi or pan than I ever let myself realize, and that is at once somehow exciting and also very sad and hard, and I'm not sure what to do with it. Have I internalized comp het so much that I've erased myself??
Anyway. Thank you for this and all of your content. Cheers.
If you would go at a men’s stripper club, would you laugh or would you be shy because you find them attractive. If you go to a women’s stripper club, would you laugh or would you be in admiration? I thought I was bi until I answered those questions. Turns out I’d only laugh at men, so I’m a lesbian. Hope that can help a bit;) also watch lesbian TikTok (not thirst traps just RUclips compilation)
Firstly, thank you so much for sharing your story - things like this make the comment section so wonderful so thank you!! Sounds like you've done a lot of inner work and I'm so proud of you! Can't have been easy being raised to believe certain things about yourself, reinforced by your church. Only you can know what feels right, but it sounds like you may be attracted to women as well as men! It can be SO hard to untangle a whole lifetime of conditioning but it sounds like you're doing amazingly. Let yourself wonder and explore and don't get too stressed about labels or pinning it down ❤️ I'm so excited for you and I'm sending love!
@@noriii971 I thought this is because the male "stripper body type" just isnt my type? but i dont know aaah
@@TheKirschbaumfee I've never thought about it that way. Just seeing the man's body isn't attractive in itself for me, however it is 🤷♀️
thank you. i know a lot of people refer to the lesbian masterdoc which is a good source of comphet, but it was written specifically for lesbians. due to this i think a lot of people are forgetting that wlw all can struggle with comphet and not only lesbians, since it's one of the most popular sources of knowledge about comphet.
Agreed!! Thank you so much for watching :')))
the funny thing is the masterdoc doesn’t mention comphet is a lesbian only term. at all. if you read the part where it explains what comphet is, it says that people of all genders experience it, and it actually says that it affects women’s sexualities (not just a single one), but people just ignore it because, like you said, it was written specifically for lesbians
@@carol3927 I respect the masterdoc because I believe it was useful to a lot of people, but you saying that is made only for lesbians is a little odd because is literally "Am I a lesbian?" therefore, is to people who are questioning themselves, ya know? So, that's a little confusing
@@bia-zz4sj I say that it was made specifically for lesbians because, even though people of other sexualities might experience some of the same stuff, the masterdoc focuses on how comphet affects lesbians. I know other sapphics experience comphet too, but a lot of the times it’s in different ways
@@bia-zz4sj I do agree that anyone who is questioning can read it and identify with a lot of stuff tho
5:38 Omg you know what also made me existentially question my bisexuality? The lesbian master doc. Fml I have so many issues with that whole mess of a document. It never even floats the possibility that you could feel many of these things and still be bi. It sent me spiralling.
That’s heteronormativity, if you wanna understand comphet completely watch contrapoints shame video. Edit: wanted to add that comphet is when you subconsciously force yourself to “like” men to fit in a misogynistic society because due to the lack of attraction to men a lot tend to feel the lost of identity. If you genuinely are attracted to men you aren’t experiencing comphet.
Actually, comphet is a form of heteronormativity. Definition: Compulsory heterose xuality, often shortened to comphet, is the theory that heterose xuality is assumed and enforced upon women by a patriarchal and heteronormative society. It is not and was never about attraction at all. Adrienne Rich, who coined the term, spoke mostly about how society forces women to date men whether it was because they didn't like men or even if they weren't ready or willing to date. It effects women of all se xualities as a result. Just because straight and bi women can be attracted to men doesn't mean they want to date them. Yet, comphet puts undue pressure on them to date men even when they want to remain single and pursue ambitions. When the term was coined it was in the 1970s and 80s when all women were expected to marry men. Adrienne particularly used the term describe all women, not just lesbians.
Okay, and what are the limits? Like, what if you're a person who has only been genuinely attracted to one man and many, many women throughout their life? That would make you bi. But if you've only ever loved one guy and yet forced yourself to be in multiple relationships with men you were not attracted to, wouldn't that be comphet? What a lot of people don't understand is that you could be anywhere on the sexuality spectrum. You could be 99% attracted to women, have very little attraction to men and force yourself to be in relationships with men you are not attracted to. Just because someone is technically capable of feeling some attraction to men (and keep in mind, attraction is complicated, so one may feel only romantically, but not sexually attracted to men) does not mean that they could not feel pressured to date lots of men they are not attracted to.
I definitely forced to like myself guys bc they were nice ppl and also looked conventionally good (but I actually didnt like them romantically/s€xuslly and felt like I should nor that I wanted being with them in that way)as bi person so don't go denying other's experiences and mislabelling them.
You have a comment from some who even read it that the actual most vulnerable ones to it are straight women.
Comphet is literally the reason I haven't even considered I might be interested in girls... I am attracted to guys so there was no reason to think I might like women, too.
Yes!! This is so common! Comp het is nasty like that :(((
LMFAOOOOOOOOO ☠️
BYE- HAVE YALL HEARD OF THE TERM HETERONORMATIVITY ☠️
@@pumpkin_pancake Comphet is a form of heteronormativity. Sad you don't know this. Definition: Comphet refers to a political system that forces women to perform heterosexuals duties.
Direct definition: Compulsory heterose xuality, often shortened to comphet, is the theory that heterose xuality is assumed and enforced upon women by a patriarchal and heteronormative society. It was never about attraction. It was about a system that expects women to perform heterose xual duties whether they want to or not. Straight and bi women may not want to date or marry men just becaise they are attracted to them. Yet, comphet can make them feel obligated to do so.
@@venuslove-i1v Sure heteronormativity plays a role in this, but the two are not the same. (comphet being related to the patriarchy where most heteronormativity is not). Secondly, you argument about bi women or queer women who are also attracted to men makes no since. A bi person or someone who is otherwise attracted to men is in no way forced to like men. Liking men is part of their sexuality. That's the whole point. How can someone who is attracted to men force themselves to be attracted to men? Please listen to yourself and actually think next time you yell at lesbians on lesbian issues.
god I wish us lesbians were taken seriously for once
You are????? Y'all took one word and watered it down. Pls just calm down and listen to others in the lgbtq+ community
@@monsterhighfan144 u Literally just proved my point
@@vinn_kr by what lmfao. I just said y'all are taken seriously. Lgbtq+ women are asking to expand comphet and talk about their experiences with it. Also (ik you ain't gonna like it) we want to discuss how hetero women experience comphet. We live in a day and age where women who are attracted to men don't want to marry them. We just want to see how hetero women experience comphet, even if it's 1-3 points. Also, that doc is trash lmfaooo it's literally about being a women in general lol like all women put personality over looks
@@monsterhighfan144 you literally cannot experience comphet as a straight woman bc youre nit being told or forced by society to like men when you don't, you DO like men. How is the concept do hard to grasp, lesbians already get nothing and any slither of recognition for their issues is taken away and watered down. Just say you're lesbiphobic and go with no respect for lesbians or their issues
@@amemelia so you're telling me other women in the lgbtq+ community don't feel that way? Also, straight women are being pressured to marry men when they don't want to. No one is hating lesbians and I don't hate lesbians. Y'all aren't going extinct chill
thank you SO MUCH for making this video!!!
I've always experienced genuine attraction to men and women, (I remember thinking in high school I wasn't gay enough to be gay, and not straight enough to be straight) and 1.5 years ago discovered the term "bisexual" and came out as bi. I've only unpacked my internalized homophobia/biphobia and comphet very recently. for example, I could only imagine being with a woman sexually, so of course that's "less legitimate" than my attraction to men. *eyeroll*
4 months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months, mostly because, mid-existential breakdown and identity crisis, I thought I might be a lesbian (guess who found the Are You a Lesbian Masterdoc~ and went down the extremely informative, but ultimately self-destructive, self-erasing rabbit hole of thinking me being gay was inevitable and all my past relationships with men were a lie, even though the thought of losing my boyfriend just a few weeks earlier was worst-case-scenario). this was during a severe mental breakdown when I literally forgot my own address - not a good spot to be :'D
four months later (and now in a MUCH more stable, healthy frame of mind), it turns out I'm actually still bi! I cried every day for MONTHS after that relationship ended, because I genuinely loved, missed, and was attracted to him and happy with him. the relationship honestly just didn't work for other compatibility/communication reasons, and it came to a head in a really unfortunate way.
a few things that helped me validate my sexuality:
- I don't gotta prove anything to ANYONE. the only label I ever need to call myself is my name. labels are descriptive, not prescriptive.
- *it didn't matter that I was a girl and he was a boy* - if he or I had identified as anything other than a boy/girl, *I still would've felt attracted to him* because I genuinely loved him for who he was, and I loved our sweet, playful, supportive, communicative, hot, and healthy relationship (until it veered into unhealthy and I didn't feel good in it anymore).
- no one would dare tell a straight man, after he broke up with a woman because the relationship was unhealthy, that because all his relationships thus far have failed, he's actually gay.
- in a similar vein, no one would ever tell a straight guy that his attraction to women is "just sexual" and "objectifying" (although that shit sure does happen in a patriarchal society lol)
sexuality is so, so tricky to talk about - even harder when it's under a self-critical, fearful microscope. honestly, the best thing I did for myself was step back from dating/love entirely, shave my whole damn head, and just let the thoughts, attractions, and labels come and go, until I settled into something that best described what I was, who I was. comphet unfortunately shaped that definition for a longgggg time (and might still continue to! if it turns out I actually am a lesbian, then hey, so be it I guess?), but I'm honestly so glad I'm in a spot where I can step back from it and not torture myself over it anymore.
(wowowowow sorry for the essay! this is honestly just my way of saying thank you for validating the bisexual experience of comphet! I know I went through quite the ringer lol)
I'm so so glad you found this video helpful!! I'm sending love and light for your journey ❤️ also... So badass to shave your head!!!
@@TallulahGuard thank you!! :D it’s been a fun quarantine lol. hope you’re doing well!!
wow.... you literally described exactly how I felt, thank you so much for sharing!!!
@@bia-zz4sj sure thing! woof, was this a rough year or what lol. I hope you've found some peace of mind!
I've been thinkin a lot on this topic the past few months and I'm still pretty sure I'm bi, and I've had even MORE revelations about the lesbian masterdoc and bisexuality that i wanna share cuz it's interesting to think abt:
- there's some contradictory points in the masterdoc that minimize what could be genuine interest in men, almost the same way a lot of closeted/unrealized wlw minimize their own attraction to women. for instance, the masterdoc gives the example "you might be a lesbian if you can picture yourself enjoying a sexual relationship with a woman but not a romantic one, and vice versa" (i'll admit this point was huge for me, cuz i've always felt sexual feelings towards women but not romantic, leading to minimization, denial of attraction to women, etc etc) BUT in the section on conflicting feelings about men it states "you could picture yourself having a sexual relationship with a man but not a romantic one, or vice versa." to be fair, this bit is referring to the notion of lesbians in het relationships who can't scrounge up sexual/romantic feelings for their male partners because they just aren't there, so those lesbians could theoretically settle for JUST a romantic/sexual relationship... BUT in the instance where romantic and/or sexual feelings for men are genuine, this bit does a pretty good job minimizing het attraction as "just romantic/sexual" in the same way that repressed wlw write off their own same-gender attractions. obviously heterophobia isn't a real thing, but biphobia sure is! can't people just be bi?? in the masterdoc's intro, it states that compulsory heterosexuality is the idea that i must be straight even when i'm in love with a woman. in that thread, couldn't it follow that biphobia is the notion that i must be gay even when i'm in love with a man? OR; i must be straight even when i'm in love with a woman? OR; i must be straight when i'm with a man? OR; i must be gay when i'm with a woman? quadruple whammy, baby! bisexuals get the worst of both worlds! hannah montana lied to us!
- on r/comphet, i read examples of lesbians who broke up with their bfs being able to brush it off like nothing, carrying on after a breakup like a regular Tuesday; then examples of their heartbreak, desperation, and anguish after breakups or rejections from women. the breakups with women sound a LOT like my breakups with men i truly loved and cared for: crying for months on end, devastation, extreme jealousy, missing the person like crazy, writing poetry, desperately wanting to talk to them. generally, lesbians don't grieve the loss of their male exes. [i say "generally" bc there well might be cases where this isn't true (still thinking you're straight, coming out of a long-term het relationship/marriage and feeling genuine, complicated loss, etc). lesbians are multi-dimensional people who are fully capable of experiencing love, affection, grief and depression. this falls under the masterdoc's point that lesbians miss having a boyfriend more than the actual person]
- this one’s a lil abstract. attraction isn’t...something you have to think about to make happen. this falls under the masterdoc’s “forcing yourself to find men attractive” bit. attraction happens spontaneously, and if you happen to reflect on it, you can identify it as feelings of attraction during or after the fact. what this means is that you can take a step back and watch your attractions come and go without occupying yourself too much on what it means for your identity. no genuine attraction was ever felt as a result of making yourself feel it. your battle to figure out who you’re “actually” attracted to becomes moot when the goal is to BECOME attracted. you can just like who you like, want who you want, and let the frequency/gender ebb and flow. this is a much more low-pressure way of approaching your sexuality than asking yourself “can you REALLY ever be happy with a man?” (a phrasing which i hate, btw)
- *your sexuality does not depend on your partner.* a straight person who's single their entire life, who goes to their grave single, is still straight. a bisexual woman who marries a woman is still bisexual. a bisexual man who marries a woman, gets divorced, then dates a man is still bisexual. i personally am tickled pink by ppl who still deliberate on Freddie Mercury's sexuality - was he REALLY bi? was he ACTUALLY just gay? that knowledge lives and dies with him. i love that. or that interviewer pressing David Bowie, when he stated that he was bisexual, if that actually means he's really just...y'know...... and he responds "I've answered the question." or when bisexual youtuber Jammidodger, when reviewing examples of historians erasing queer relationships, said (i'm paraphrasing here) "people might say it was so long ago that it doesn't matter, but it *does* matter. these relationships were real, their feelings were real, and to have them written off as "gal pals" or "close roommates" isn't fair or accurate. it's erasing history." the masterdoc states that "you can identify as a lesbian now - it's a now identity!" i'll offer this option too: you don't have to erase your past with men if you want to pursue women now. you can still be bi if you want. (i'd argue that this is the whole point, that you're free to pursue/fantasize about whoever you want without you needing to turn in your bi card. in the same vein that the masterdoc stipulates that if you end up falling for a man, it'd be wrong to call yourself a lesbian, i'll stipulate that if you really don't want to be with men, could never see yourself with a man, are disgusted by men, or want to divorce yourself from relationships with men entirely, including those in your past, then it's completely okay to be a lesbian, cuz that truly might be a better fit for you. [uh oh am i just re-writing the masterdoc? yes! but from the bisexual perspective cuz it's necessary!])
- a LOT of biphobia stems from entitlement. it's not uncommon for game devs to make romanceable NPCs bisexual in order to accommodate the gender of the player character. you wanna be with Leliana, or Zevran, or any single person in Stardew Valley, or any single person in Dragon Age 2, or - you get it. actually, the guy who I broke up with - let's call him Derek - made a joke about pansexuality that I thought was interesting. we were joking about straight genocide because lmao, and we were deliberating on, if an alien race came down to earth, what sexuality would they have to be to evade straight genocide (I know, it was a weird setup). Derek said "pan - if the aliens won't fuck me they die." obviously an extreme, which is why my knee-jerk reaction was to laugh, but honestly...do straight people really think that pan/bisexuality actually means "attracted to everyone"? everyone??? is bisexuality just the convenient option, existing to accommodate any potential suitor? I find myself squirming at bi/pan ppl who say they're attracted to everyone, cuz "everyone's so cute, i just wanna cuddle!!! hit me up, whoever you are i'm probably into it!" anyone who DOES feel this way is free to be with and cuddle whoever they want, of course - but i fear that this accommodating approach to sexuality is a surefire way to attract creeps, manipulators, and abusers. (for the record, it is NEVER the victim's fault for an abuser's shit behavior.) bisexuals are much more likely to experience sexual assault and abuse, and i feel like this sense of entitlement (and consequent accommodation) is why. i just want to tell these bi/pan ppl: please, for the love of god, set firm boundaries and have standards for how you want to be treated. you're allowed to reject ppl, to not be interested, to say no - just like straight and gay ppl are. someone who feels entitled to your entire sexual/romantic history, your body, your sexuality as a whole, *does not deserve it.*
(unrelated sorta, but it reminds me of how cis folks grill non-binary ppl on their definitions of gender. nb ppl have to justify how and why they identify the way they do, answering alllll these complicated questions abt themselves - they're expected to be masters of queer theory in order to validate their own existence, and that shit is exhausting. there's so few resources, and so little representation of nonbinary existence, that it's difficult to explain their inner experiences and have widely-recognized terms for everything they feel. plus, oftentimes this need to self-justify leaves NO ROOM for interpretation, gray-area, experimentation, fluidity, change, differences in experience between non-binary people, and FUN. sound familiar?)
okay I wrote way too much, I honestly should just make my own video lmfaoooo. I'm so sorry for the essay but if anyone read this far, I hope you could take something from this!
I loved this! I was talking with my best friend the other day about how comphet effects non-binary and the ace spectrum (my best friend is ace) I would love more content about comphet from different angles and just talking about gender and sexuality and how they link and everything like that! I find it extremely helpful!
yay!! I'm SO down to make more videos exploring the different nuances of comp het and I'm so glad it's something you've found helpful. Sending love!!
This is so so so important. I'm AFAB and questioning my gender and the nonbinary section makes me feel really seen
I'm so so glad you found the video helpful ❤️ I'm sending love!!!
I love your analysis. It’s super succinct yet meaty ❤ love the academic flair. I was actually a bit scared it wouldn’t include any theory.
aaaw thank you!!!
sexuality is just too confusing to me, I think I'm just gonna stick with no labels...it's what feels right for me right now:)
that's so valid!!!
Fun fact: if you are attracted to men you cannot experience comphet given that comphet is rooted in misogyny. It is a term that is only applicable to lesbians. This video is talking about heteronormativity there is a difference between the two. Can you guys please just leave lesbians alone. We really can’t have anything.
Comphet is when a person forces themselves to like men because of the patriarchy forcing it into them, If you genuinely like men then you dont and can’t experience comphet because you aren’t forcing yourself to like men. You people really can’t leave lesbians alone can you.
THANK YOU --Lesbian
I've left a new pinned comment on this video - I'm sorry for conflating the two! You're right, what I mean is heteronormativity, which can often be mistaken for comp het. I thought I was a lesbian woman experiencing comp het, when I was actually a non binary queer person experiencing heteronormativity. The two can be confusing and I will make sure to make clear which I'm addressing in the future :)
Not exactly. It also applies to asexual and aromantic women. It's almost like ALL women are in some way affected by the patriarchy and lesbians are just one subgroup. Lesbians came up with the term because they were one of the first groups to emerge, form a community, notice this, and then talk about it. That doesn't mean they're the only ones negatively affected by this particular cultural narrative.
@@wordforger no
Thank you so much!! I was so freaked out because i am really in love with my boyfriend and that thing was so black and white. When things are shades of grey. My anxiety said 📈
I am so so glad this video helped with that! I have actually requestioned and gOd I wish I had known just how nuanced Comp het was before I jumped to conclusions. I wish you love for your journey and your relationship!! ❤️
I feel the same, recently I've really been questioning my sexuality - I was thinking I could be asexual but I found the comphet doc and the fact that I related to so many of them was a really scary thought. I was like what if I'm actually just a lesbian?? But I love my boyfriend so like ???
i feel like people forget that comphet is short for compulsory heterosexuality. heterosexuality is not exclusive to one gender. therefore gay men & people on the ace/aro spectrum can experience comphet. just because it’s rooted in misogyny doesn’t mean it can’t affect people who aren’t women.
Hey could you make a whole video on comp het affecting bisexuals? That would be really great. I saw your comment asking another person if we wanted to see it
This is on the cards!!! ❤️
verilybitchie has made that kind of video, if you want to see their version
@@petronellataube2986 yes I have seen their video!!!
Comphet towards bisexuals isn't even a thing 💀
@@chae444 fun fact: the girl who wrote the lesbian masterdoc came out as bisexual. Also even straight women experience comphet
all y’all commenting “the term you’re actually looking for is heteronormativity, this is co-opting a lesbian experience”- heteronormativity is the overarching concept whereas compulsory heterosexuality is the actual praxis of it all. Compulsory heterosexuality is how heteronormativity actively plays out in the intimate personal lives of people, and it can be experienced by many types of people in our society. We exist in a patriarchal society, which is the filter by which we experience life. Heteronormativity is the macrocosmic overlay whereas the personal experience of comphet is the microcosmic.
Thank you!!! So well put :)))
You have no idea how much this video means to me as a bisexual femme presenting enby! So many people talk about comphet excluding people like me, there's popular web resources on comphet which doesn't even mention the possibility of being bi. Thank you so much for this and Happy Pride!
you are so welcome! and happy pride to you too :)
I’ve been wanting answers for this for a while!
I'm so glad you found it useful!! I'm sending love
@@TallulahGuard Thank you! I love your content so much, so helpful x
I love that you actually did that comphet about bisexuality! Also I love that you called out the bi erasure! But sadly, as a bisexual she/her, the most erasure that I got is from actually lesbians, and not straight people! Can you cover that topic from this perspective?
Also, it would be interesting if you talked about the asexual/demisexual/etc and the romantic aspects from the community (demirom, arom, polirom, etc)
@@graceanne326 Its not invalidating y'all are obsessed with lesbians stop tryna be us, people who like men will never experience comp het
I actually realized I was nonbinary easier than realizing I didn't like men 🤦🏾♀️
So that's why beekeeping has always intrigued me!
Hehe 😎😎😎
@@TallulahGuard uhum, I'm an Enbeee bzz bzz 🐝 keep me 💛🏳️💜🖤
[capital-letter Enby short for nonbinary person]
Omg that's amazing!!! Enbee 😍😍😍
@@TallulahGuard Hihi thankss, I didn't invent it tho: www.reddit.com/r/TraaButOnlyBees/
Oh wow, I consider myself non-binary and lately I've been trying to consume other peoples' experiences and ideas, just came across this video and saw you just posted it! I loved it, really made me think :)
Wow that means so much!! I'm sending love
well overall your points don't make sense with labeling it as comphet. comphet is a lesbian exclusive term because it's linked deeply with misogyny, and heteronormaity to make comphet. bisexual women, straight women, and non-lesbian non binary people can experience those two separately, but as they can still experience attraction to men, it's not possible. describing comphet would be in a way "I need to be a man's woman. I need to be straight and meet society's standards. I must experience this attraction." ALL the "attraction" is forced. if some of the attraction you experience towards men is genuine, then it's not comphet. it's just heteronormaity and internalized homophobia playing with you. I've also seen many people in the comments say aroace people can experience it. if you're an aroace lesbian (like me), then yes, it's possible. but if you're just aroace, then no. like I said, comphet is linked with misogyny and the expectations to be a man's woman. if you feel zero attraction to anyone, then it's not linked with misogyny in the same way. it's just heteronormativity. please don't take lesbian labels and twist them, lesbian erasure is already bad enough as it is. we have very few things that let us describe who we are and understand each other, trying to include non-lesbians when they just don't and can't go through the same things we do is damaging.
Wait did you see your mutuals video? Cuz I saw someone say they typed a paragraph I think that was u
their points are trash they are describing heteronormativity and making it seem like its comp het because people love to take stuff from lesbians
@@mischa6601 mhm that was me
@@poop-lw9qw eh I was probably just trying to be nice in that comment I've forgotten half of what they said by now
@@unicornfart28 dont be nice to non lesbians telling lesbian buisness
These were the fastest 13 minutes I've ever experienced, it was a great video
aaaa that's so kind of you!!!
comphet is a lesbian ONLY experience, what you’re describing here is heteronormativity
hey! the theory of heteronormativity was developed to improve upon comp het which was seen as too narrow, it's not a version of comp het for all the other groups. Many of the features of comp het described online as ONLY relatable to lesbians are actually relatable to many other groups too, and while it impacts lesbians uniquely, it's not just lesbians that experience it.
Thank you for this video! I'm non-binary and bi and when I read the comphet doc around a year ago it sent me on a big spiral of feeling like I should maybe iD as a lesbian (as I tick a whole lot of the things on the list) but I've now come to realise that the overlapping of comphet for lesbians, bisexual peeps and non-binaryness just makes things messy.
You're right though, I'm constantly trying to work out what I want, vs what I think I was because of comphet + society, and what I think I want because I want to be seen as my queer self by society (fun times)
comp hets for lesbians only you aren't forced to like men bisexual people need to stay out of lesbian issues
@@huggletonthesecond761 compHET is the pressure to be straight, which as a bisexual person I feel. Sure the way I experience it is going to be different to a lesbian but I do experience it. Stop trying to gatekeep shit, what you're trying to do coming into the RUclips comments to argue with strangers idk but maybe go find something more productive or at least fun to do with your time?
@@muccycloud you tryna label yourself a LESBIAN term when you already have a term called HETERONORMATIVITY is literally lesbianphobic
@@muccycloud no it’s not 💀 don’t even it’s a lesbian only term for LESBIANS
Trixic honestly makes me super uncomfortable because it seems like a label that is assigned to nonbinary people rather than a self ID. Like i can’t be a nonbinary lesbian I have to be a trixic person. But that being said I’ll never be caught saying someone else can’t use it.
So valid! I also feels uncomfortable because trixic and toric exist to separating describe afab and amab non binary people?? Which is so biological and weird and unnecessary! People can use them if they like but I agree - it's all about self identification :)))
@@TallulahGuard Hey, the word "trixic" means attraction of a non-binary person to women and "toric" attraction of a a non-binary person to men. However, the specific gender alignment or sex assigned at birth of the non-binary person is not specified by the definition. You could be trixic and anywhere on the non-binary spectrum, so it's not just femme-aligned non-binary folks who can claim the label "trixic". What is specific to the labels trixic and toric is that they do not take into account the gender of the person experiencing attraction at all, so you could be femme aligned and toric or masc aligned and trixic. Furthermore, the words "trixic" and "toric" don't imply exclusive attraction either, so one could identify as both trixic and toric if that feels comfortable to them.
@@purplekitten6637a lot of nonbinary people just dont feel comfortable with them/info
We can't have anything. We can't talk about our experience about comphet without non-lesbians involving themselves in our issues.
Hi! I just put a new pinned comment on this video about this. I'm sorry for using the phrase comp het when what I really meant was that heteronormativity (experienced by non lesbians) can feel a lot like comp het and has lots in common with it. The two are not the same and I'm sorry for conflating them.
I genuinely wish there was a larger discussion of comp get within trans circles... Like it affects a lot of us regardless of our perceived gender at birth.. like alot trans binary and nonbinary people have had comp het but I feel like we don't really talk about it because many cis lesbians gatekeep the comphet experience
I agree! It's come to my attention more recently that comp het is a solely lesbian experience, but it does have a LOT in common with heteronormativity, which can impact anyone, including trans and/or non-binary folks. I really want there to be more discussion of both and their overlap!! I also agree that trans and non-binary lesbians need to be more included in comp het discussions!
dude , conphet is litteraly rooted in misogyny, thats not comphet , its heteronormativity
Compulsory heterosexuality, often shortened to comphet, is the theory that heterosexuality is assumed and enforced upon women by a patriarchal and heteronormative society. Comphet is a form of heteronormativity.
@@venuslove-i1v a form that only affects lesbians tho
@@noodlejoshi Actually no. Straight and bi women also feel pressure to date men even if they are not ready to date or even if they want to remain single and pursue other ambitions. Just because they can be attracted to men doesn't mean they should be forced to date them by the system. Yet, the system of comphet puts undue pressure on all women to perform heterose xual duties regardless.
@@venuslove-i1v but comphet is the forced attraction to men , not to just date a guy but men as a whole and , a non lesbian saying they have comphet just invalidates their attraction to men bc its self contradictory comphet is specifically for lesbians they are experiencing a different form of heteronormativity bc they do have attraction to men but dont feel a need to settle down with one where as lesbians dont feel any sort of attraction to men whatsoever
@@noodlejoshi Comphet is not the forced attraction to men. The definition of comphet is the theory that heterosexuality is assumed and enforced upon women by a patriarchal and heteronormative society. It is societal and does not for the most part reflect how one feels toward men. It does not force women to feel attraction; it forces women to marry and date men regardless of their attraction.
I encourage you to read Adrienne Rich's book called Compulsory Heterosexuality. Adrienne Rich was the one who coined the term Comphet.
For a bi person comphet can make them repress their attraction to women. For a straight woman it can make them date and marry even if they are not ready to do so. Comphet takes many forms but still effects all women regardless of their attractions.
Yes, please, more of this type of content. Get as academic as you want! I love it and could keep watching a lot longer! Thank you, Tallulah, for making this video and so many of the other videos you've made on similar topics.
That's so kind!! More videos coming soon ❤️❤️❤️
LOVE this video, you explained everything so clearly and with such a calming voice
I'm so glad you found it helpful, that means a lot to me!! It's so ok to be confused, I still am quite a lot :) This stuff is complicated!! Don't pressure yourself to find a label or a set identity, you're so valid and I'm sending you love
Would you say comphet affects cis passing non-binary people who become excluded because they look tangentially similar to their "passing gender"?
That is such an interesting idea! I definitely feel invisible as a trans/non-binary person lots of the time, and since I'm with a man, my relationship can appear 'straight'.
Uh idk if you're gonna see this but I agree with the video you made. I only know comphet bc of tiktok lol. I looked into richs essay and saw comphet (or compulsory heterosexuality) in a different way. Like you said in the video bi, even straight women, and Non binary people can indeed experience comphet bc that's what Rich said in her essay. I saw a tiktok recently saying how they read the masterdoc and thought they were a lesbian but in reality they were not and ended up having issues with the term. They further explained that comphet is indeed experience by everyone no matter sexuality and lesbians claiming that it's an only lesbian experience can really mislead bi and straight women thinking they're lesbians but in reality they're not. Like if I was 13 in this day and age and saw that I would have thought I was a lesbian buttttt in reality I'm just not.
Also, read through the comments and was baffled to see the harassment you got. I wouldn't worry about it bc I've came across the r/bisexual reddit and someone made a post saying that a girl on Twitter talking about her experience with comphet and being bisexual and she got dogpiled and harassed by lesbians- something I saw under this video. In the thread they all agree bi and straight ppl can experience comphet. You even got a sex and health psychologist on reddit saying he hates the doc bc it was written in such a psychological way to make someone 100% secure in their sexuality to bc obsessed (even if they have OCD). Bisexuals and other members of the lgbtq community are expressing their feelings on how annoying it is about the term comphet bc gatekeeping by lesbians bc its something anyone can experience.
I believe, in my controversial opinion, that if lesbians see others relating to comphet and saying that the masterdoc is flawed they would end up thinking they're not actually lesbians. They they do everything in their power to harass those people and protect the doc so their feelings won't get invalidated. I hope that wasn't being harsh bc I do see others with that opinion and I kinda agree. If the label lesbian makes you happy even after finding out the doc is flawed and still want to ID as a lesbian go thats fine. Like the doc was written by a 19 year old girl at the time. It's not a reliable resource even if it comes from tumblr. I rather stick with the og essay.
Thank you for commenting!! I have always said that lesbians experience comp het in a distinct way but it can also being experienced by other groups! Yeah it sucks the way this video was received, but I got over it haha. I'm glad it's helped some people anyway! Probably could improve it now but it is what it is :)))
@@TallulahGuard yeah I agree and I think they misunderstood. Uhhh I won't really worry about it bc they're just a bunch of Twitter users lol
thankyou so much for talking about this, as a bisexual women researching comphet has been tricky and a bit crushing
I'm so glad you found it useful!!! I have a video coming about (internalised) biphobia this week so keep an eye out 🥰 Thank you for watching lovely
No stay outta lesbian buisness you ALREADY have a term its called heteronormativity only lesbians experience comp het this person in the video literally knows nothinf
im super late to the game but anyways, great video! i don’t understand, why don’t you have more followers? great content and you are gorgeous by the way 😊🌺
Thank you so much!! And aaw thanks 🥺🥰
Thank you for the section about nb people. I’m pretty much only into men, but regardless I’ve never seen comp het discussed within the context how it affects us. I agreed with everything you said and still despise how binary language holds us back.
me too.. the binary is so tiring!! I'm so glad you got something from the video!
unrelated but i saw the thumbnail and i genuinely couldn’t tell what gender you were. now that i know you’re nonbinary, i guess that’s a compliment 😅
Omg huge compliment thank you haha
Thank you for making this! I've been struggling with my identity as I am non-binary and bisexual and dealt with comp het. This has been very helpful and has made me feel less alone
That means the world to me. You're so valid!!!
You’re invalid you never dealt with comphet because it’s something that doesn’t affect you
@@rivarm1y_850 Not that it's any of your business, but comphet for me means that I felt the need to date cishet men. I have worked through this and come to terms with my identity since. I still identify as bisexual because I am attracted to more than one gender, but this does not include men. There are more genders than men and women and bisexuality does not necessarily include men. It's really none of your business, but you are in no place to invalidate anyone on their struggles. You are propagating hate in the community when we face enough from cishets and it is not okay.
Oh.
I feel like this is a very interesting thought to connect to how I feel like I "should" be bi.
I'm bigender. I'm non-binary.
Whelp.
Now understand that I'm saying this as a woman, but men suffer under comp-het too. Men can:
* Feel pressure to always be in a (heterosexual) relationship
* Stay in a bad relationship because they're "suposed to"
* Feel bad about themselves for _not_ being in a relationship
This isn't a women only issue, men also have feelings and can relate to almost all of those points.
I agree!! Women/nb people/lesbians/queer people certainly experience it in some different ways but men totally can too.
@@TallulahGuard Oh thank god. You know how much actual grief I get for bringing men up sometimes? It's wild. So I appreciate someone who can also empathize. Not all men are Men™, you know? They're people who feel pressure too.
@@TallulahGuardabsolutely, i feel odd as a transmas lesbian about this, so i get it!
pls learn the difference between heteronormativity and comphet
you guys HAVE to learn the difference between comphet and heteronormativity. comphet is rooted in the patriarchy, and is a lesbian ONLY term.
They be taking everything from lesbians
@@huggletonthesecond761 we can't have one lesbian exclusive experience without other labels inserting themselves in it
Actually, comphet is a form of heteronormativity. Definition: Compulsory heterose xuality, often shortened to comphet, is the theory that heterose xuality is assumed and enforced upon women by a patriarchal and heteronormative society. It is not and was never about attraction at all. Adrienne Rich, who coined the term, spoke mostly about how society forces women to date men whether it was because they didn't like men or even if they weren't ready or willing to date. It effects women of all se xualities as a result. Just because straight and bi women can be attracted to men doesn't mean they want to date them. Yet, comphet puts undue pressure on them to date men even when they want to remain single and pursue ambitions. When the term was coined it was in the 1970s and 80s when all women were expected to marry men. Adrienne particularly used the term describe all women, not just lesbians.
@@alyssabat You know what's funny? We can't have any bi characters without you guys mislabeling them and calling them lesbian. Yet here we are...
By the way, the mother of pride month was a bi woman...yet yall get to celebrate it. It's funny how when we share of our things it's ok, but you all are ok with ignoring us and isolating us from your things. Not surprised. Too much monosexism to me.
@@venuslove-i1v how tf does this have anything to do with comphet?
You aren’t a lesbian, you don’t get to take our exclusive terms and cry that we don’t include everyone in them. Comphet is a lesbian experience only. Other queer people experience heteronormity, NOT comphet. Inform yourself before you speak over lesbians.
hello! I am not speaking over lesbians, I am making a resource talking about the experience of the social pressure to be with men. This impacts lesbians uniquely and I have never denied this. But it also impacts other groups and silencing bi people/non-binary people etc who experience it too (if differently) doesn't help anyone. I have never discredited a lesbian's account or experience of comp het. We're all just LGBTQ+ folks tryna make sense of the world and I know from many comments that this video has helped people. It clearly wasn't for you but I hope we can at least be respectful in the comments
@@TallulahGuard “I am not speaking over lesbians!” Proceeds to speak over lesbians.
It does NOT effect other groups, that is called HETERONORMITY. NOT COMPHET. Comphet is a lesbian only term, stop appropriating our unique experiences. Bi women will never experience comphet because they are attracted to men. They may feel heteronormity, but NOT COMPHET.
@@TallulahGuard you are speaking over lesbians don’t even
„You can be affected by comphet and still have a genuine capacity to be in a happy and healthy, fulfilling relationship with a men” - I don’t exactly know why but this sentence alone made me realise that I’m sure I’m gay - had questioned that, but seeing it from this perspective made things soooo clear - I realised relationships with men definitely wouldn’t make me feel fulfilled
thank you 🩷🩷
aaah I'm so glad this helped!!!
Yes!!! 100 yes to academic gender and sexuality videos!
So glad you're down!! Hehe I'll whip out my uni notes :)))
no.. comphet is just for lesbians. compulsory heterosexuality can and is for everyone else. if you're gay you can have compulsory heterosexuality but not comphet.- a lesbian
Comphet is a shortening of COMPulsory HETerosexuality .....
@@carvel8874 if you're not lesbian you have no say. comphet is for lesbians.
@@carvel8874 if you genuinely have attraction towards men it’s not comphet it’s just heteronormativity
@@viv549 I think you're missing the point, compulsive heterosexuality IS comphet... its an abbreviation. You're just saying everyone can gave compulsive heterosexuality but only lesbians can gave compulsive heterosexuality
Comphet ain't exclusively lesbian. If it's for "women who aren't interested in men" then guess what? That's not just lesbians.
so close! that’s actually just heteronormativity! hope this helps!
The two terms are highly related - heteronormativity arose out of compulsory heterosexuality (and aimed to remedy some of the more controversial aspects of it, like Rich's idea that women could choose to be lesbians). I wrote this video as a direct response to my own experience: reading a lot about comp het, relating A LOT, coming out as gay, then months later realising I was actually still bisexual. The author of the lesbian masterdoc came out as bi years later. I get your point to an extent, but the video is intended to help those who strongly connect with the experiences of comp het, but aren't lesbians.
I think it’s often difficult for me to figure out whether I’m experiencing internalized biphobia or comphet. I currently prefer women and fem non binary people, so it can be confusing at times.
It's complex! I'm sure it'll all get clearer :)))
YES this needs to be talked about more ty
I'm so glad you think so!! Thank you for watching ❤️❤️❤️
You aren’t even a lesbian yourself why are you trying to speak on something that has nothing to do with you
Because surprise comphet affects all women
hey! I have personally experienced comp het :) As most people raised as girls have. Non-lesbians and lesbians experience it differently many experience it. Heck, I thought I was a lesbian because of how intensely I related to comp het resources I found. So it does have to do with me and I hope we can respect eachother's journeys and remember we're all just LGBTQ+ folks tryna make sense of the world
@@TallulahGuard says the one making a video on something lesbians experience as someone who is not even a lesbian and giving people misinformation about a topic
I have trichotillomania and your eyebrows are my dream eyebrows
aaaw thank you :))))
Comp het is forcing yourself fo like men, if you like men then you don't experience comp het y'all wanna be lesbians so bad and its tiring. Stop tryna include yourself in lesbian problems
Some lesbians wanna dunk on their sisters of other sexualities so much they push a lot of the same attitudes they accuse the straights of. Also by your definition, it's still not an exclusively lesbian thing.
Just because we like SOME men does not mean we like EVERY man. We can feel forced to be in a relationship with / like a man that we are not attractred to because of comphet. For example feeling like we must like a man who is conventionally attractive even though we actually are more attracted to men who don't fit the masc-stereotypes.
Omg i love that bees are queer culture even more than they are already (Bee is spelled bi in a lot of European languages 🐝 💖💜💙)
So I was sure I was a lesbian until I started reading romance book where the men are perfect and beautiful and emotionally intelligent and I felt so drawn to them and the thing is ugh idk
one of the things in the lesbian masterdox says that even if you are attracted to fake fictional men, men online, men you read about and feel deeply about you can still be lesbian. because you have no chance having a future with them. you have no idea how you’d actually feel if you were with them in real life, what you have is a romanticised version. Also if a woman had written the book it makes a lot of sense too cause you’re seeing a man through the female gaz/lens:) Rely on experience with real men to guide you to your label 💖💖
Comphet is a lesbian only term bc it first appeared on a lesbian essay written by a lesbian for lesbians only :/
I guess the term you are looking for is heteronormavity which includes mlm, nblm and wlw/nblw
Hey!! I get this and I have read the essay ❤️ I choose to use the term more broadly because so many people read "signs of comp het" and assume they can only apply to lesbians when in fact they apply to lots of people! I don't think the term has to be restricted to the lesbian experience because lots of its ramifications are felt by people across the community. Judith Butler uses comp het as a term across the community in their work 🥰
You are soo wrong. comp het has NOTHING to do with Lesbianism or even wlws. It's related to patriarchy and misogyny. That doc completely misrepresented it and is full of misrepresentation
using the essay as an excuse to say that “comphet only affects lesbians” is not good, specially since the person who wrote it was a radical feminist who believed in political lesbianism.
political lesbianism is hurtful to the lesbian community because it says that any woman can identify as a lesbian (even if they’re attracted to men) as long as they prioritize relationships with other women.
that’s why there’s two types of comphet. the radical one (used by radfems/terfs, that say only lesbians can experience it, and is related to political lesbianism) and the queer one (reclaimed by the lgbtq+ community years ago, that says any queer person can experience it)
to sum up: comphet is when someone forces themselves to be straight to fit in a norm (heteronormativity). the concepts are different
@@TallulahGuard Stop taking stuff from lesbians god damn listen to actual lesbians when they say something
Another nonbinary comp het issue I've seen is when you are in a heterosexual-passing relationship and you either suppress or just fear coming out at nonbinary.
Yes!! Also the knowledge that you're likely being perceived as a straight couple even though you're not
thank you
Finally someone who says this!!
Also omg "we exist in a language prison", yesss
Also YES to the academic insight from your uni course
I'm so glad you liked the video!!! Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
What if the thought of being a lesbian and being with a woman is repulsive? What if you’d rather be alone than be with a woman? What if you keep looking for reassurances that you are not attracted to women? The thought of being attracted to women is majorly depressive and makes me spiral into major panic attacks.
Hey! Firstly, I hope you're ok. If you're experiencing frequent panic attacks (I do too!) I would advise talking to someone about it if you can and maybe trying some coping mechanisms like breathing exercises, mindfulness and exercise. If this is all related to your sexuality, that is understandable. I can't know or tell you what this means for you and who you love. It could be that a potential attraction to women distresses you because you've been taught it's wrong. Just know that it's not wrong, it's ok and normal. If under the fear it could be something you want, that's ok. If not, that's ok too! You are normal and valid and loved. It's ok to be confused and to question and the fear is so understandable but over time it will all get less scary ❤️
@@TallulahGuard if I’m a lesbian can I still date men?
Lesbians are not attracted to men, so that label wouldn't fit if you still wanted to date men :)
you tryna be lesbian so bad 💀
@@ishamahmood2774 you aren’t a lesbian then
I love your hair an immense amount
thank you!!!!
@@TallulahGuard XD
I really need more discussion and info about non binary people+ their experience with comphet bc🌝I can’t seem to find much! guess I’ll check out Judith butler and just try to not think too much about comphet😭🌝too many complicated things =_________=
I would love a deep dive! I could listen to it even up to 2hours so don't worry about it being too long
Great video. I'm a asexual women who has been struggling to understand my romantic attraction For a long time now. When I first heard about comp het I was like that's a exactly me. I started to wonder if I was homo romantic or if I was not asexual at all maybe I was a lesbian. I still don't know. I find it so hard to tell the difference between thinking you have to be in a relationship because that's what you do or if l genuinely have feelings for women and effeminate presenting people.
PLEASE READ Re: the difference between comp het and heteronormativity and my choice of words:
I have read all the comments recently expressing frustration that I've used the word comp het to describe the experience of non-lesbians. While I'm sad the discussions have gotten heated at times, I want to say that it would have been better for me to use 'heteronormativity'. I fully appreciate and understand that lesbians have a unique experience and I don't want to undermine that or have it seem like I'm speaking over you all. What is most useful and accurate and what really explains what I mean in this video is that: the experience of heteronormativity for non-lesbians can often be mistaken for comp het, which can lead to a lot of confusion for non-lesbians. There is overlap between the experiences, but comp het includes genuinely not being attracted to men, which I didn't make clear in this video. I know this video has been useful for non-lesbians, but I don't want my choice of words to invalidate the experience of lesbians, and I'm sorry to anyone I've upset. Tallulah xx
the aromantic version is having platonic and sexual attraction to someone and then suffering from severe imposter syndrome because you have no lense with which to understand what "romantic attraction" is and you've just assumed your whole life that its just platonic + sexual attraction, and now you think you're faking your identity for attention. call that romcom...p
i’m scared now 😅 this is so complicated
Haha no need to be scared!! It is complicated, but most aspects of being a person are a bit complicated!
I’d love to discuss that with you
I’m thinking about this kind of stuff for while now, and this video kinda is a way for things that I think...
Thank you for this!
Thank YOU for watching!! ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for sharing! l really enjoyed your other comp het videos too :). I’m very much trying to wrap my head around this all at the minute. Am I bi and being fucked over by internalised biphobia, or gay and being fucked by comp-het? Or some horrible combination of all of the above?? My brain is a great place to be right now 🙃🙃🙃
I feel this So Hard. I've publicly come out but guess what? I'm still questioning!! Labels can be the best and also the worse! There is no quick fix and sometimes the best thing to accept is that you can't always pin it down all the time and that as long as you respect yourself and the people in your life, it's hard to go wrong ❤️ sending love! 🌠
Awesome!💖 Luv Ya Lotz!💖
I heard people saying comphet was only directed at lesbians and I was so confused because there are absolutely gay men who feel like they need to be in straight relationships??? Is there supposed to be another word for that or do we just ignore that??
What gay men experience (coming from a gay men!!) Is internalised homophobia, heteronortivity. Please don't believe what the person in the video says, they don't know what they are saying, no one but lesbians experience comphet.
@@kimmy9464 Thank you so much ❤ its so annoying having these people taking our term and changing its meaning so they can be included
@@kimmy9464 Thanks for defending us this is so tiring and the amount of likes is sad too
@@poop-lw9qw no problem ofc anything to defend you guys! I have lesbians as moms not defending you guys would feel wrong 🙂💜
@@huggletonthesecond761 no problem!
Could someone explain to me which people are meant by non-binary lesbians? Is it non-binary people who are exclusively attracted to women? Is it feminine presenting non-binary people who are exclusively attracted to women? Is it afab non-binary people who are exclusively attracted to women? Cause I've heard the term a few times but I never heard a definition of some kind
Hey! There is no definition beyond: a person who vibes with both labels! It could be any or all of your suggestions. Or another situation! I like to think of labels as for community and communication, not rigid boxes or rules. Hope that makes sense!
@@TallulahGuard thx for the quick reply. Yes, this makes sense and I agree that labels should not be these rigid boxes and thid amount of gatekeeping is definitely a problem in the community we should fix. I am just wondering why calling a nb person a lesbian isn't invalidating their gender identity. Cause I'd say the general public would define a lesbian as a women who is exclusively attracted to women. But well, I'm neither non-binary, nor a woman, nor attracted to women (= a gay man), so I guess I don't really have a say who should feel invalidated by the term nb lesbian XD
But still, it would feel kinda wrong and invalidating to call my afab nb friend (who is exclusively attracted to women) a lesbian. Idk
i am SO TIRED of being told by the lesbian community that bisexual, pansexual, queer, and other sapphic women cannot experience comphet. we can, and it's real.
But this person is wrong and sapphic people are wlw so they can experience comphet is something only lesbians can experience this video is not even a good resource
no its not y'all wanna be included in lesbian issues so bad its annoying
Obsessed with lesbians 💀you are experiencing heteronormativity not comp het stay outta lesbian buisness
I'm sorry that the Twitter/Tiktoker users are here ✋😭
you can't experience comphet if you're not a lesbian. get over it.
Very happy to stumble upon this video! thank you!
I really liked this video. I would love to hear more. Also, any book recommendations?
I will defo make more on these topics!! So much to cover! I would recommend having a look into Judith Butler's ideas on gender performativity (their academic writing is v dense but you can find their ideas summarised online!)
that last part hits
This video is so helpful and informative!!
Thank you so much!! I'm so so glad ❤️❤️❤️
Tallulah Guard 😊💖
I’m so glad I found this video. Bisexual here! And yeah the whole, “am I sure I’m not lesbian” came out. But also, I’m especially struggling with the, “I should be in a relationship” part. Anyway this was very validating and I appreciate it so much!
I'm so so glad!!!!
No I'm so happy I found their video too ✋😭 like I'm hetero but I was bullied so much growing up and I had some personal stuff happened last year. Ofc all that ruined me and I developed severe anxiety about relationships and I didn't even relate to any of the "interest in women" parts in the doc. So, idk why I freaked out so much. It's literally my anxiety and overthinking too.
I love you
THANKYOU
ofc!!!
You’re very articulate and smart. Loved it.
thank you!!
Hi. Recently, I got told by someone online that I can't experience comphet because I'm bi. Which baffled me and made me feel kind of shit because I have *definitely* felt pressure to be straight. What this person said, even though I know they were likely just being biphobic (they seemed... hostile to bisexuals) has been playing on my mind a lot since it happened. I feel invalidated by what they said, even though I know I shouldn't let it get to me. But that's the story of my life, I do let things get to me. All the time.
Anyway, I came across this video when I was looking up if bisexuals can experience comphet bc I was worried I had been accidentally co-opting a lesbian thing without knowing it now. I want to thank you for this video, it made me feel more valid again. I have genuine attraction to men; I LOVE men. I personally am very hypersexual and I often have sexual fantasies abt men I like, honestly more than I do women most of the time (altho I do still think that way abt women too). I love tall, older, bearded, hairy men, like I am def into men and masculine presentation. But I also love women and my type in women is hyperfeminine. Sometimes, my lean will flip for a few weeks and I'll be fantasising abt women instead. I've had both boyfriends and girlfriends and I loved all my partners. So I know I am def bi, but I also know I've experienced comphet. Growing up, I never really questioned my sexuality until I was like 14 bc I was into men so of course I was straight, y'know? I didn't know bi was a thing until I was 12 and I knew I wasn't gay so. I still remember the first time I found out abt bi and read the definition. It was strange, it was half like I immediately knew that, that was me, but also half of me pushed it to the back of my head like "no, that's not me, I can't be LGBT+, I like boys" 😅 And when I was 14, my friend at the time told me she thought she was bi bc she thought she fancied Demi Lovato (I know Demi is non-binary now and uses they/them pronouns but at this time, we thought they were a cis woman so we used she/her in our messages abt them, I apologise but that's how the messages were written, if you think I should edit this comment, please let me know and I will!). I still have the messages, and I replied to my friend, and I quote "it could just be you think she looks pretty! I've thought that before, thinking I was bi, when really I just thought they were pretty!" 😭😂🤦🏻♀️ Anyway, my friend asked me to come over then to talk to her abt it all bc she was feeling quite alone and scared of the possibility of her being bi so I went over her house and we talked abt Demi and watched their documentary that was out at the time and afterwards, I was walking back to my house and thinking "I feel the exact same way abt Demi, am I bi? Is it not 'normal' for straight girls to feel this way?" and then, a few weeks later, I was in town with my mum and my mum went in this shop and I waited outside and I saw these girls walk past who I thought were attractive and caught myself staring at their bums and the penny finally properly dropped lol. I went into a panic and first thing I did was text my best friend who, still to this day, I would trust with my life, and I told her I thought I was bi. Really, I knew I was bi but I was only beginning to reckon with it so I said thought instead. She was super lovely and accepting and soon, I began to come out to everyone.
But yeah, looking back, there were so many signs. As a kid, I would play house with my female friend and we would be in the same bed together, pretending to be husband and wife. I would also "compare pubic hair" with the same friend when we first began developing. 😅 I was a weird child lol. I would make my dolls kiss and I begged my mum to let me watch The L Word with her (she's gay herself) but obviously, she said no bc of the sex scenes lol. She would wait till night and send me to bed before she watched it lmao. I had a crush on one of my best friends when I was like 11, I let her "share" my boyfriend lmao and once, during a game of truth or dare, I dared her to kiss me on the cheek and when she did, I was BEAMING lol. Poor girl was so freaked out by my reaction. 😅 I was obsessed with HSM and when Vanessa Hudgens' nudes leaked, I kept searching for an uncensored version that wouldn't get caught up in the nanny filter my parents installed on my computer lol. I desperately wanted to see them and I was only like 9 rip. 😅😅😅 When I was 13, me and the friend I had a crush on slept in the same bed in our bras and pyjamas and I couldn't stop staring at her boobs when she wasn't looking. And I had this friend at school that I clearly fancied and after I came out and realised I fancied her, she became my first girlfriend and we dated for like 8 months. Also before I came out, I would heart pictures of girls kissing on WeHeartIt and I also wrote a girl x girl love story called You Belong With Me (yes, after the Taylor Swift song). Back then, I brushed it all off as just "girl crushes", "experimentation", "being an ally" but now I'm screaming at my past self like HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW lol. I feel like comphet made me feel like bc I liked boys, how could I be anything but straight, y'know?? I adore men, but I also adore women. Adoring men doesn't mean that I haven't felt the pressure to be straight bc I have. I've been threatened with physical violence for being bi, I've lost friends for it. Of course there was a pressure to be straight, there is for everyone. And I think all queer people can experience comphet bc of this pressure. Thank you for making me feel validated and helping me confirm what I've always known: that I did experience comphet growing up. I really need to stop giving biphobes the attention they want, honestly. But they just upset me so much, it's hard. 😔 Anyway, thank you again. ♥️♥️♥️ This was great.
bi folks are SO impacted by comp het!! In fact the author of the lesbian masterdoc just came out as bi herself! I relate to lots of what you've said :))) I'm so so glad you got something from the video and I'm sorry you've been made to feel invalid. You are so valid!!!
omg same here! people keep telling me that only lesbians can experience comp het, and it's really damaging!
@@TallulahGuard ooh could you let me know the source for where she came out as bi! thats awesome!
@@katespaulding4563 only lesbians experience comphet whats wrong with you guys
You're just in denial. The person in the video doesn't know what they're talking about either. Comphet is a lesbian thing only wtf.
Yes make more academic videos:)
For sure!! So glad you're interested! Do subscribe so you don't miss them :)))
This is good
Thank you so much!!;
Thank you for this, i’ve experienced comphet as a bi/pan/queer(idek) and demisexual woman, and i keep having panics where i think i’m lesbian (while still having panic where i think i’m straight), but i’ve experienced genuine attraction and i think i was in love with my ex(man)(i say think bc love is a strong word). But at the same time i’ve chosen boys to have crushes on, when i didn’t have crushes on actual boys.
And it gets more complex with being demi, bc it takes a while for me to get romantically/sexually attracted to people.
A lesbian person on tiktok blocked me for asking them (don’t remember pronouns) to not invalidate my experiences, bc they were telling me that i can’t have experienced comphet as a bisexual, and that the master doc is for only lesbians so i can’t criticize it bc it wasn’t made for me (they made vid mocking bi people for finding the master doc biphobic with biphobia as a hashtag, and while i don’t think it is, the vibe can get off a little bit in it) Idk i
I'm so glad this vid was helpful!!!
3:06
What’s a “turfy lesbian”? Is that what they said?? Haha
They! TERFy is what I said! A TERF being a Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist. Usually used to describe a feminist who excludes trans people
so good! def interested in academic perspective
Yay!! Thank you 🥰🥰🥰