Why I Thought I Couldn't Be Autistic | Neurodivergent Magic
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- Опубликовано: 27 июн 2022
- So, some of you have noticed that I have some conflicting videos on my channel. One says I'm not autistic, another one says I am...what's going on??
Here's the gist: I am autistic, but for a while there, I thought I couldn't be. This video explains why I was so confused for so long. If you're also exploring whether you might be autistic, I hope this video helps clarify some things for you.
😊 Hi, I'm Megan Griffith, I'm a neurodivergent life coach and content creator on a mission to help neurodivergent folks embrace their strengths, cope with their struggles, and be their true, authentic selves.
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I was depressed for nine years, so a lot of my outward autistic traits were severely repressed because I basically lost touch with myself and had no personality. When I first started looking into autism, I recognized a lot of the inward traits but I felt like an imposter because they didn't "manifest" like they were supposed to, and I had such a strong disconnect between my inward and outward selves. Since the depression ended, it seems like my autistic traits keep getting "worse" because I'm finally becoming myself!
yep I was depressed in part because I couldn't be normal in some very particular ways, despite accepting any degree of weird from everyone else in my life, and hating most norms you could call out to me, despite that I finally just decided not to care and about a month later I realized I probably had ASD, and now I knew why I shouldn't ever care again about living up to any other ideal of what it means to be me except to just do what the hell I want, ie give no f*ck* and be yourself. Truly freeing to learn about the asd!
it would hurt less if you just shot me T^T you put into words how I've felt for my entire life!!
@@IFTALES. It’s a lot easier to accept others being “weird” than to cope with being called, and singled out as, weird and different…no matter how grown-up we are. I can tell you’re definitely another one (like me) who has had to deal with that!
@@IFTALES,wawl
oh god i've been depressed for 8 years and i have no personality either (tho autistic traits of what remains of my human being) man i should get help i need to at least know if i have it 😭
The hardest part is wanting friends but not wanting friends at the same time. I have 0 friends other then my mom dad and sisters 😅
I totally understand
I can't relate to that at all. I only ever have friends by accident, I find it taxing to have to deal with humans.
@@CassandraElkindo you get lonely? As the years go by, sometimes loneliness sets in
I literally have the stereotypical autistic childhood, and my autistic traits have led me to social failure. My parents refused to get a diagnosis despite my teachers insisting that i probably have autism because they thought it would go away. It never did, and now as an adult, i finally had the chance to talk to specialists who actually understand autism. It's actually insane how many mental health professionals are completely oblivious to signs of autism and can not detect it and will insist every issue you have is minor depression or anxiety without helping you figure out what's causing it. Another thing about autism is that when you also have adhd, it can really mess with how your symptoms present themselves, so a lot of diagnostic lists are pretty unhelpful and also when you aren't good at self introspection it's hard to know exactly what issues you have.
On point. Except the childhood you are describing me and my life. Well, being a probably gifted girl in rural Germany in the 70s I give the doctors that one. But throughout my whole adult life with decadelong problems not one doc had a clue … until last year. But still most don‘t get it. Started diagnosis for Autism and ADHD this week.
The autism and ADHD crossover making diagnoses hard is especially frustrating because there is SUCH a high comorbidity rate with the two conditions. (Like 60-80% high.) Definitely something the medical system needs to understand better.
I'm really glad you get that chance 💖
My teachers told me I was lazy, and as far as anyone can tell I still am for not holding down a job. I probably have both, not enough of either to be obvious, but not "normal" enough to function. And not enough money to weasel my way into anywhere with experience enough to make this clear to me or help.
I'm doomed.
well, wish you good luck :/
I went to a psychiatrist, and he asked me about a dozen yes or no questions but wouldn't let me elaborate. The questions he asked had very logical causes that weren't tied to mental illness. He diagnosed me with bipolar 2 and put me on a very dangerous drug that I've been trying to wean off for 2 years now. When I later looked at the DSM 5, the criteria for hypomania is describing ADHD. I was depressed and anxious from 40 years of masking and not resting when I had burnout. There was nothing wrong with me. I'm just neurodivergent. When I brought it up to him, he said "you're not autistic" without even asking me why I thought I was. I'm now waiting for my appointment with someone else to get officially diagnosed. It's shocking to find out so late in life that others don't experience the world the same way I do, and it's not because I'm just not good enough.
For me the number one reason was that I'm very empathetic. You know in that enmeshed way where I have a hard time not feeling other people's emotions, which turns out to be a very neurodiverse way of experiencing empathy. But the stereotype held me back and I just got diagnosed a few weeks short of turning 42. I also have ADHD and the two mask each other.
this is exactly me. I'm 36 and just now discovering I'm on the spectrum... It's such a relief. And it has been immensely helpful to me to read other people's experiences that make more sense to me than just reading the basic symptom lists
Same! I have a lavish amount of empathy and can see things in intricate detail from every side. So my thinking is exhaustingly across every shade of grey rather than black and white.
Yes!! I identify so much with this. I’ve always been highly empathetic to a degree that can be debilitating sometimes. And honestly, realizing that this isn’t typical has made me a little less judgmental of others who DON’T live their lives trying to contribute the least harm in every situation because most people actually aren’t wired to do that and I’m the atypical one…
I am the same with being overly empathetic. Recently got diagnosed with ADHD at 39.
Same here with feeling extremely empathic, thought no way can I be autistic cos aren’t they out of touch-ish with others and outside world? Still, so many other signs I have always had, and always thought it was my ADD. I have been diagnosed with nearly every mental condition in the book shy of schizophrenia and sociopathy/psychotic (although I’ve had psychotic episodes in high stress/poor phys health moments, like a severe panic attack but completely out of my mind screaming, rocking, hyperventilating, shaking, etc. You know the drill 🙄lol) anyway RUclips keeps sending me “recommended” videos on autism and bipolar. For a long time they’ve been sending these and I have refused to watch any cos I feel like I have enough to deal with. Well today I caved and watched a few autism videos, and they made me cry! 😩. How can anyone stand me? What a mess I am! It’s frustrating too because I am considered highly intelligent, but my symptoms of brain fog and or tornado brain frustrate that intelligence and dampen it. It in there 🧠, (brain), but difficult to express. I think that’s why I prefer writing. It’s easier to organise my thoughts and no one can tell how often I’ve stumbled! 😅
You are SO lucky to have people who give you time when you don’t respond right away! I don’t really have the kind of non-speaking episodes you do, but I have ADHD & listening is very difficult for me, so if someone says something to me, I need time to make sure I “caught” what they just said (unless I flat-out missed it, in which case I ask them to repeat it). Most of the people I know get impatient with me if I don’t answer immediately, & say my name in an annoyed tone, or tell me to “wake up” or something, which puts me on the defensive. Empathy makes communication SO much easier…on both sides!
Yikes, I'm so sorry people don't respond well to you taking your time to respond. Everyone's brain is different, and you're right, empathy makes it all easier. I'm so unbelievably lucky.
Omg I have so much to say just about this. My ex-husband would get so pissed at me for having to repeat himself so often. That’s one of many things he got frustrated with me for. I didn’t suspect or receive a diagnosis until after we divorced…and I’m even a therapist! So it both warms my heart that NDMagic has such a wonderful partner, AND triggers my grief that I didn’t, and have to subsequently he’s from all of the gaslighting and mindfuckery I went through. And you know what’s funny? Our oldest daughter was just diagnosed…thanks to me spotting it and advocating for her when he told me I was projecting.
Or have you ever gotten the mimicked response like they start answering for you in a bad imitation of your voice? GRRRR...
@@NayeliGarciCrespo yes, all the time! I HATE it. It’s so patronizing, & I don’t understand it, because I would NEVER dream of doing that to someone!
That could also be auditory processing disorder. It takes a little extra time for the words to get to your brain and for your brain to process the sounds into words and ideas. I have this and often have to ask people to repeat themselves enough though my ears heard each word my brain hadn't unscrambled the sounds yet. Any of my jobs where I had to take phone messages were a nightmare.
One of my friends studied psychology in university and told me I couldn’t be autistic. We both took an RAADS-R test online, and I scored extremely high (“Very strong evidence for autism” and 4 points short of “Autistic female”). She was genuinely shocked but I wasn’t 🤭 We know our own lived experiences more than others, as as you said, we don’t all fit the narrow view of typical.
I'm thinking that maybe if you took the test again and thought deeper about the questions you might score positive for autism.
I used to think I didn't have nonverbal episodes at all, bc I thought they were just random episodes where you suddenly couldn't talk. But I have nonverbal panic attacks and shut downs. I have times where I'm super anxious and I physically can't talk, aswell as times where im over stimulated and talking just feels like too much, I can talk I just really really don't want to. Sometimes learning what exactly certain terms looks like is incredibly helpful
Munchausens
@@freedyorozco8451 No
I also thought I didn’t have social differences! I actually do. Mine show up as: conversational differences including, but not limited to: interrupting (a LOT), topic changes, also a lot, typically to whatever’s on my mind, even if it’s completely unrelated to the conversation at hand, talking *excessively*, and less interest in non preferred topics that aren’t my special interests.
Yesssss, I should have listed these too!!! Thank you for sharing!
@@TheNeurocuriosityClub also, yes, I have successful relationships with my friends and other people. I’m still suspecting I might be autistic though.
That also sounds like ADHD
Sounds about adhd :P
Aren't topic changes and continuing by saying what's on your mind not completely normal things?
When you mentioned your husband, I smiled at my boyfriend next to me, who is also accommodating like that. I got my autism diagnose about 2 months ago, and he wasn‘t shocked at all - he just said: „now I know a little more of you, and that‘s great because I’m excited about every part of you I meet“
I got obsessed with so many different personality disorders back then, bpd, borderline... I was a depressed teen that time and I felt something was really wrong with me, my mood and brain were a mess and realization started to hit. Now I am obsessed with ADHD (and recently with autism) cause it would explain SO MUCH about my life. I thank youtube and tiktok that took off the wrong stigma that I had about ADD and autism, I had a wrong and hurtful idea about it my whole life. Now I am once again afraid that I am just an attention seeker, like I felt when I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and didn't want to tell anyone. My whole life I was told I was weird, "gifted", then lazy, broken, quiet, with weird cringe mannerisms and hyperfixations that I should change. And when I reached out to my mom that I might have some executive dysfunction and wanted to see a professional she replied "I made you perfect. You just WANT TO HAVE a disorder".... and she is not wrong: I feel like I am craving a diagnosis for so long time, cause I have to live with myself and my thoughts everyday and I know there is something different that makes so hard to me to behave "normal". I want a diagnosis to finally get to know me for who I am. To accept me and learn more and have the right treatment. It should not be shameful to want that, right? I am 20+ already and this question mark keeps haunting me and hurting my social life, my grades, my relationships and dreams.
(Thank you for the video. I just discovered your channel 💜 you're light fot the ones that still feel lost💡)
I'm so with you on this! You don't "want to have a disorder", as your mother puts it, you only want clarity. Fight for your clarity. It's so important to know how oneselfs brain/psyche works and how to handle it, especially if neurodivergent. Neurotypical people sometimes don't get how hard this can be. :/ It can be soooo freeing to surround yourself with neurodivergent people! A lot of my friends are xD With each other, we don't feel "wrong", "weird" or "out of place". It's great. Let's me breathe once in a while. You are not alone!
Are you my twin or something? I used to research those mental disorders obsessively too. (especially personality disorders they’re so fascinating to me.)
I felt this on a spiritual level. I love searching about personality disorders and I go through a short period of time where I think “oh this sounds like me” but after some time, I always come to the realisation that sure, I have some internal struggles that are found in these disorders but they don’t interfere with my life. But autism… is something else. I’m kinda stuck and obsessed on whether or not I have it. I spend too much time watching RUclips vids about it. My childhood screamed autism but now as a young adult, the autistic traits are lessened so I’m not quite sure 😫 tbh I would love to get finally a diagnosis of autism OR SOMETHING because I feel like something’s “wrong” with me without knowing what
i realte to this so so so much..
What a crummy thing for your mom to say.
I notice this is also what many doctors do to many neurodivergent patients even for regular health issues, because we don't "look" or "act" in the ways they assume we should be looking or acting. Case in point: when I had Coxsackie B and myocarditis, and they kept sending me home from ER because "I look(ed) healthy," even though I had pretty bad bloods (especially liver enzymes). Thankfully, I knew I was really sick, and had the presence of mind to stain my skin bright yellow using a chemical dye (2-4 dinitrophenol), which made it look like I had jaundice and artificially raised my body temperature (fever). They admitted me this time, and that same evening I had a severe heart attack (due to the myocarditis/pericarditis). Given how far I live from a hospital, I would almost certainly have died had I not done this. This is only one of many examples I've experienced. I genuinely have so little respect for doctors, psychiatrists, therapists because they all seem to be like this. They seem like textbook sociopaths.
Ugh, sorry you had that experience and had to “fake it to make it,” literally and figuratively!
I'm glad you survived! I've repeatedly had doctors blow me off despite objective test results. Turns out I have a less-common heart condition that can cause acute heart failure when dehydrated (SAM with DLVOTO)! For anyone reading this, I'd be very wary of faking symptoms. The bias in my medical record from my *real* symptoms being misattributed to hypochondria STILL negatively affects my care and credibility. I shudder to think how hard it would be for me to be believed if it was noted that they thought I'd intentionally *faked* symptoms.😨
The Society to Improve Diagnosis in Medicine (SIDM) has some helpful tips on being believed.
I’m an adhd-ER but sometimes I wonder…The diagnosis is less important than finding tools for a life with less spoons.
Social stuff is hard for me, although I am “well liked” I generally stay alone. Ugh.
I’ve tried making ND friends but I get talked over so badly or get annoyed. Or they seem bored with me. I am super self aware and seek the same in others but that’s hard to find in other NDs.
I’m really glad you found a loving hubby! The main thing that matters to me is to find peace, ease, and connection in this world.
I really relate to this, I can make friends if I have to be with people but otherwise I avoid contact, it’s too difficult and any more than one person and I feel left out. I hope you find what you need, it’s tough being a round peg in a square hole.
Curious, what is the reason YOU NEED to have that diagnosis? If you already know you have some symptoms and you are aware, what extra benefits do you get from getting that diagnosis?
I had the exact same thing, thinking stimming was involuntary so whatever I was doing wasn't that. It didn't even seem like a "real" thing to be doing, just a weird quirk I would stop when I noticed I was doing it. Just knowing that stimming is voluntary (but also very helpful) has been such a huge deal.
2:34 this is like reverse introversion, I dread having to leave home to see people (which doesn't happen if I'm going for a walk or something alone) but then I'm glad when I get there most of the time.
Best thing I did was to find a neurodivergent therapist. So much more understanding and can really tune into neurodivergent struggles!
This right here.
this is part of why I'm going to become a mental health worker later in life! I'm queer & ND, and have high emotional intelligence. I have high empathy as well, which makes it easier to open space for healing (I do this with my friends and people I see often enough to care about)
@@mishasimons702 that’s awesome. No one can truly understand what it’s like to be neurodivergent unless they have lived experiences.
I don't think I'm autistic, but I'd love being told that I am. That'd give me a sense of belonging somewhere. I am definitely a sensory seeker, I can have times when the only thing I think about is my interest (october aaaaaa), I stim almost all the time, in various ways, but I don't know if I have any social deficits. Sure, I go partially mute a lot (There are times when can speak, but it's really hard to start doing it). Except that I need to have precise instructions for what I have to do or I can get something wrong. And I exeprience few other stuff. I never belonged anywhere. I was always felt as the weird one despite having many friends. I just, I just feel different. But I think my social skills are too good for an autism diagnosis. I also never felt like "everyone has been given a manual except for me". Sometimes I wish I could belong somewhere. But yeah, that's why I'm probably not autistic. Probably, because there's always this 1% chance that I may be. But I'm probably just searching for a problem where it's absent.
Also off topic, but I absolutely agree with the feeling that you are staring/people are staring into your soul when looking in your eyes, it's a weird feeling and not always a comfortable one!
Edit: turns out I had severe anemia probably caused by a chronic illness (which is still getting diagnosed because it is very hard to identify), and that caused me to go mute and stim so much. I still feel different from everyone else and like I don't belong anywhere, though I still have anemia, just not as severe, so it may be the cause of that, idk. Either way, I am not autistic.
Stay safe out there though, pals. If you feel like you may be autistic, there is definitely something there, even if it is not autism.
lol girl get tested that sounds a bit autism’d
I know this is a bit late but I hope you still see this. I am pretty certain that I actually am autistic. From stimming all the time, special interest, problems with eye contact etc. I don‘t know how well you can form relationships but for me atleast it is just a bit different / harder than for most people. I have friends and get along pretty well with everyone around me (school etc.) The part where I notice being different the most is in groups. Even with close friends I‘ll feel left out and isolated as I can‘t always keep up in conversations. It doesn‘t happen all the time but I am much less talkative the more people there are. Not like selective mutism as I can still respond to questions when asked directly I just can‘t partake in a normal conversation all the time. As a child I had the same feeling of being able to speak but it being hard to start. It felt like I had cloth stuffed down my throught and I had trouble breating and speaking. I am not officially diagnosed but about 99% certain that I actually am autistic and not just faking it. Finding out that I likely am autistic made me content with my life for the first time ever. I rarely tell others as it is not an official diagnosis and most people wont accept a self diagnosis but it helped a lot. I don‘t see any problem in believing you‘re autistic if you share the same struggles as others with a diagnosis even if the social deficits don‘t impact you a lot in your daily life as long as you don‘t use it as an excuse. The people I told about being on the spectrum are much more understanding and I can finally be more myself around strangers/ friends. Feeling like everyone has a manual and you don‘t is something pretty individual as far as I know. Some feel like they live on an alien world as everyone is different to them. I‘ve only had this feeling when I am in public while stoned. I have better social skills than some friends that are not autistic but just weird. When talking to someone directly I understand a lot of cues (might be because I love learning about psychology and spent wayyyyyy too much time researching). I understand sarcasm pretty well but my dad who is likely also autistic often doesn‘t know if we are serious or joking. Not every autistic person has the same difficulties and strengths as others. Just by reading your text I‘d say you probably are autistic with feeling like you don‘t belong anywhere and the other behaviours you described.
Hope this rants helps you a bit. Accepting I might be autistic took around 5 months for me. I just started masking less and observing how I‘d naturally behave without altering my behaviours. If you notice that autism would explain a lot of who you are (aside from the social aspect) then I‘d take that knowledge over someone elses opinion. You know yourself better than anyone else don‘t let others define who you are.
I love this comment of wanting to be autistic so you could belong, I spent my whole life running away for it and ashamed of it. I told no one because when they knew they looked down on me like a bug under their shoe so I hid it. I’m still ashamed of it like I failed myself for being this way. Social skills were my biggest indicator, I didn’t have any at all as a child.
I know this comment is very late, but your comment already covers all the diagnostic criteria for autism. Autistic traits can present in different ways for different people.
Here's some examples of how differently they can present in different people:
I was diagnosed as autistic last year when searching for an adhd diagnosis (which I also have). My adhd therapist, bless her, noticed the autistic traits in me even though they didn't fit the stereotype.
Much like the woman in the video, I never really had problems making or keeping friends. I am very conscious of social cues, but I struggle to respond at times, and had to learn many of the appropriate responses through trial and error when young. I was considered shy and quiet, but people tend to like me. I always have friends. I am autistic.
I have a sister who is autistic as well (not officially diagnosed yet due to cost. Her daughter got one, her husband is currently getting one, and they can only afford one at a time). Unlike me, she could never be accused of being accused of being shy. She is very social and talkative. Her autism presents as missing the social cues of when to stop talking or when she might be coming across as rude. People label her with a type-A personality, and she has many friends. She is autistic, but presents differently than me.
Then there is my brother-in-law. He's currently getting a diagnosis. His autism presents as missing the cadence of conversation. His timing and responses are a little off. People are often only cordial with him, and he struggles to make friends with people who aren't neurodivergent themselves. He's also autistic, but presents differently than both of us.
I'm saying all this to explain that the autism criteria can present itself in different ways depending on the individual. Your saying that you feel outcasted and struggle to speak at times meets the criteria for the social part of autism. The same could be said for any other autistic trait: they can present in very different ways to different people.
Anyone or anything who says one of these traits must present a certain way is wrong. That includes specialists who insist an autistic person can't make eye contact or quizzes that list specific presentations of the autistic traits.
I hope you investigate getting a diagnosis. Your comment covered the criteria of every trait listed in the dsm-5 other than it being present jn childhood (which I'm guessing you jist didn't mention.
While there are other things that can mimic many traits of autism (victim of trauma, borderline personality disorder, adhd, bipolar disorder, anxiety, etc), any specialist worth their salt will be able to tell if you are one of those instead and be able to refer you to someone who can help.
You aren't alone, and if nothing else, is the autistic community gives you a sense of belonging, then you are welcome to stay here for as long as you need :)
I know I'm not the original commenter but i relate to them aswell. But thank you so much. Reading that encouraged me to get a diagnosis since I share both symptoms of adhd and autism but I wasn't sure because I felt like I was too "normal" even though I know something was wrong with me. I always wanted an answer for my behavior because when people would get mad at me for it I couldn't explain why, I just do it and it always makes me upset. And example is me not being able to recognize/understand the social cues my friends make, they would always get mad at me for it and I would never see or understand it properly. But I also have other symptoms going on with me I just don't feel like listening all of them 😅 but yeah thank you so much
Out of a lot of other autistic YTs. You're the one I relate to the most in terms of how I reached to the conclusion I am indeed freaking autistic.
Me too regarding the HSP vs ASD topic.
I've been a software developer for 43 years (71, still working).
Software development requires long periods of intensive thought and little human interaction.
Since I tend to either explain too much detail or say nothing at all. It makes many people uncomfortable unless I conform to social norms.
So the less interaction, the better for everyone.
I'm a hair twirler, knee bouncer, former marathon runner, and daily walker.
Not crazy about haircuts or wearing anything but loose soft clothing and running shoes, mostly to eliminate the distraction of itchiness.
I take a 10 minute cool to icy bath to calm my mind and senses morning and evening.
Sleep deficit issues throughout my life eventually led to depression and anxiety.
Prescription medications didn't really help.
Decades ago, I tried pot and alcohol as a sleep aid, but these weren't acceptable solutions for me personally.
Ultimately I adopted yoga, meditation, buddhism, and exercise instead.
With buddhism, I learned to let go of judging myself or others, and past events.
When I felt emotional, it really helped to focus on my breath often every day throughout the day.
In a meditation group I joined, a retired woman manager from IBM told me she had a team of nothing but ASD developers for a performance study., and it was found to be a highly productive team. She told me this out of the blue. I hadn't told her anything about my life except I was a siftware developer.
About 15 years ago I found I had sleep apnea and was sleep deprived without knowing it. This helped me in many ways. Even with that I'm "still autistic," but getting restful sleep helped me be less prone to feeling anxious/depressed etc. The anxiety has always been there but learning meditation yoga, etc. has helped me regulate it, too. I'm not a software developer but have incidentally learned five programming languages which were fun at the time, plus repaired partially rebuilt computers. I'm now an artist, so these things seem far removed to many, but I think both things are focused and done individually most of the time and calming for some.
"So we're always going to need textbooks, and diagnostic criteria, and studies on these things. You know what we also need? We need lived experiences."
Oof. This whole video hit me right in the feels.
My psych, who also has ADHD, and whom I actually like, told me that it’s rare for ADHDers to also be autistic when I told her I’m exploring that possibility. And then used her autistic brother as a litmus. I’m like….seriously? Sigh.
I recently read that 30% of those that are autistic also have adhd … so that’s odd what your psych told you !!
Oh wow. It's actually often comorbid. She needs to update her knowledge...
Might not be relevant, but I’m starting to suspect I have some form of ADHD and I was diagnosed as on the spectrum at 17 (though I want a second opinion/reassessment as I’m not sure if I “only” have C-PTSD or if that’s another comorbid I have with autism 🙄. Also, my current counsellor has been excellent in other ways, and I’ve made a lot of progress, but she’s basically done the same thing, using younger male relatives as a litmus test against my own diagnosis.
Women and men present differently in *so many* conditions, even when they’re having heart attacks (I only learned that recently, thankfully not “the hard way”), that such comparisons are blatantly useless as a diagnostic “tool”.
When I started to look up autism, my first thought was that I couldn't be autistic, because it happened the same as you. I asked the mother of one of my best friends (who has an autistic son -child-) if she knew something about professional that could help me. She told me straight away that I couldn't possibly be autistic. That made me feel bad, because I felt like an imposter. Then, the months passed and I still wanted to look up for the autistic traits. Turns out that I am, actually, autistic. I accommodated myself since then and I really appreciate that. I was falling apart, feeling excluded my whole life, even if I was around people. I didn't know what was "wrong" with me. Turns out that there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just different.
I've been a bit back and forth about the possibility that I'm autistic. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 14, but my family didn't help me look any further into it, and skipping the weird story, I didn't know or remember that I was diagnosed until I was 20.
I have most of the classic ADHD symptoms, but I actually have more issues in the sensory department than I do with attention.
I relate to just about everything I've been hearing autistic people describe, except the social confusion. I have very extreme social anxiety, I monitor my conversations with people, and mask myself heavily, BUT, social cues come pretty naturally to me. I'm constantly noticing people's state and adjusting, but for the most part, I do it with little issue aside from the anxiety and persistent feeling that I'm coming across "weird."
I also have a lot of relational trauma from childhood and beyond, so I'm not sure I could ever really rule that out when it comes to the self-consciousness.
Ah, who knows lol
Honestly, I think I read social cues pretty well, too. In person. Take away the body language (like when I'm on the phone) and I'm completely lost. But even if I'm reading the cues correctly, my body language, or facial expressions, or tone of voice, or eye contact are often gonna seem a bit off to them, and probably not line up with what I think I'm expressing. Also known as "[this] persistent feeling that I'm coming across "weird."". But it's fine, embrace the weird. And based on how you've described yourself, I imagine most people just think you come across as shy more than anything else. And probably wish you spoke up more often and expressed your opinion more.
@@Athari8178 Thanks for your perspective!
I was officially diagnosed autistic earlier this month (I was also diagnosed ADHD in 2020) after suspecting it since 2019.
Looking back there were so many signs but I suppressed so much because I knew I wouldn't be accepted by those around me, and when I couldn't suppress I was made to feel like I was making life difficult for people. Examples would be my ex-husband constantly telling me to keep my legs still because I would bounce/rock them all the time, or if we were going out to dinner with a group of friends I would need to sit in a specific place and get really stressed and start making a scene if I couldn't and he would have a go at me for making things difficult etc.
My discovery of my autism came a year into my relationship with my now-partner and he has always been so accommodating, it still takes me by surprise. Sure, he gets frustrated sometimes and is still learning, but he helped me with both assessments and asks if I'm OK when we're in social situations and helps me as much as he can, without taking my independence away when I need it. He doesn't make me feel like I'm broken, and calls me out when I'm the one saying I "should" be able to do something. Having someone on your side makes such a difference.
Yes!!, it does make such a difference..AWWW, CONGRATULATIONS 🎊 🎉🎉
I've found my understanding person , aka love, 🥰 too!!
Its such a calm, comfort feeling!!
I’ve suspected I’m on the spectrum because I’m a highly sensitive person, have an aversion to negativity, prefer to be alone in my own company doing activities that I enjoy, plus I relate to a lot of other autistic traits. I also have ADHD and you just made a light bulb go off for me when you mentioned you get excited to see people come over and then when they get there you want to be alone! This describes how I feel exactly!!! I always wondered why I feel that way! I also twirl my hair and bite the inside of my cheek and tongue. I need to move my fingers on something (like a pen) when I’m listening to someone because it helps me focus. Never realized those were stimming behaviors but I do it all the time because it makes me feel calm and helps me pay attention!
Thank you for making these videos about the amazing autistic and neurodivergent brain! I know you’re helping validate a lot of people🥰
Me as well (cept I dont have ADHD, well, most likely do not). But this psychiatrist I saw the other day said she dont see the proper traits in me and Im here like.. almost anything I read online fits me and I dont see what traits Im missing that makes her think that. I fit perfectly into the lvl 1 'mild' autism spectrum, maybe with some atypical stuff going on, but she says theres no such thing as 'mild' autism. Its very infuriating when you feel so connected to something but the 'expert' says no
Thank you for this. I really needed this. I've been so tired of being constantly misunderstood by neurotypical folks and neurodivergent folks alike. My closest friends are neurodivergent (usually on the autism spectrum or diagnosed with ADHD or an anxiety disorder), but I can still feel incredibly lonely around other neurodivergent individuals. I thought that not relating to every single experience of my autistic friends meant that I can't possibly be autistic, which resulted in me not being able to provide anyone with good explanations for my behaviors and those people then assuming the worst of me. For example, I accidentally interrupt people because I can struggle to read social cues and understand timing in conversations so people assume I'm just self-centered. I also jump from topic to topic and ramble at times because I struggle to organize my thoughts, which makes people think I don't value their time or their thoughts and just want to hear myself talk. After years of being misunderstood like this, I really believed I was all the bad things people accussed me of being. Videos like yours have helped me immensely to understand myself better and to realize that I'm not what people assume. Thank you so much for your help. ❤
"My husband doesn't watch these videos so I'm just going to talk nicely about him behind his back."
OMG, you're such a beautiful person!!! This is like the best thing I've heard in a video, and overall your video is so bright and positive (but not naive) that it is very refreshing. Please, keep doing what you're doing because you're brilliant.
I swear doctor's are my nemesis', I've only found 1 doctor that I actually could connect with and speak with candidly without being told I have anxiety or psychosomatic issues (I'm an HSP and most likely on the spectrum, certain I have inattentive ADHD). I have refused the vast majority of meds or been found that I am not open with doctors about how I actually feel (unless I'm in severe physical pain) if I feel that they are not open minded to the fact that I'm neurodivergent. And unfortunately, lots of doctors are neurotypical or are so rigid because they have only ever been a doctor (and likely lack personal skills to have a more rounded life) and "know what they know", give you maybe 5 minutes of their time and prescribe bullshit for you to take. So, I lie a lot to doctors or find a new one unless I can trust they will take my word seriously and consider my issue to be valid. Needless to say, they do not like me 🤣.
I didn't know I had social issues until about 10 years ago in my mid 30's. It was a slow realization. We moved a lot as a kid, and I moved jobs quite a bit in my early adulthood. But then I had a long term job with a steady group of people. I would answer a question or comment on a situation and they would say 'I was joking' or 'that was a joke'. I would think they were really bad at jokes because I didn't get it at all, but then they would say it to other people and everyone would crack up and I still didn't get it. I started noticing that people would glance over their shoulder when I was talking to them face on, and it was then that I realized I wasn't actually looking them in the eyes, I was looking just past their face. I started realizing that I would repeat myself, but then I was helpless to stop even when I realized I was doing it. I didn't know I was mimicking people's facial expressions or speech patterns until a coworker asked me if I did it on purpose. I often don't really understand movies, but I really thought I did until a coworker described me telling him about movies I watched as 'like an alien describing humans for the first time'.
Thank you so much for this content! I am 60 and have been trying to put all these “clues” together for a lifetime( no formal diagnosis)! It’s so frustrating to never be heard, especially by “professionals”. I am finding that I get more applicable information from those who live this daily. So thank you for all your precious time and effort. So appreciated!
I’m kind of in the same boat. I’m 57, severely hearing impaired, with an abusive narcissistic mother.
Some days--most days--I don’t even know where to start. I just had someone gently suggest to me tonight that I may be neurodivergent. That made so much make sense. 🫶🏼
Curious, what is the reason YOU NEED to have that diagnosis? If you already know you have some symptoms and you are aware, what extra benefits do you get from getting that diagnosis?
I'm 25 and I was recently diagnosed with Autism and I relate to everything you said exactly!
I actually keep looking for things to prove I couldn't be autistic because I'm so well socialized, etc.
This was for me.
ur husband is so great!!! my ex never understood what was happening, he tried to push my boundaries and demand me when i was recharging, i had to say to him that i never was taught how to show affection for example and ofc the relationship didnt worked bc we were so different (i had a lot of faults too, being bipolar untreated and recovering addict)
when i was a child my family was awful too, mom saying the r slur to me (i am still undiagnosed but still), she slapped me when i stimmed, made me feel horrible when i had meltdowns, and told me "only psychos have no friends", forced me to eat textures i didnt like, i had to mask all my symptoms, really traumatic experience
I actually just want to cry listening to this video. The more i learn about my autistic 6 yr old daughter, the more i feel i am Autistic also. But i dont have any supportive people. They are treating me like i am attentions seeking.
I'm so sorry you don't have anyone supportive in real life, but I'm so glad you commented here. Hopefully this can be a safe space for you to explore your brain and accept yourself for who you are, no matter what that looks like
Hopefully by now you’ve been able to work through this a bit more, but just saying in case you didn’t already know, there are lots of cases where the child gets diagnosed, parent goes “hmm that sounds kinda like me”, and then it turns out they’re also asd/ adhd/ect. So it definitely might be worth looking into. I’m not a parent myself, but if my parent knew about a condition we both share, it would prolly help a lot with working through the weird hiccups it can bring since we can both relate to each other.
Also, people wanting to shame you for looking into these things, personally I wouldn’t pay them too much mind (if possible). I have a lot of self doubt so keeping people who don’t have my best interests in mind have to be at a distance so I can do what resonates with me. Obviously do what feels best to you and whatnot.
I wish you the best, friend, and good luck with all this stuff 😊
❤
My family doesn’t give a f-k what I was going through, which is why I don’t speak with them now. My husband is my Angel.
Lightbulb!!! My son was finally diagnosed with ADHD last year at 23. I was dismissed out of hand by all the psychiatrists despite him basically being diagnosed by his educational psychologist when he was 8 years old. He went on medication a year ago and it has not helped at all. He is now being tested for autism which I think will be the final diagnosis. I never thought he was autistic as he was very verbal and could make eye contact, but now with so much more information available, the stimming, the lack of regulation, the lack of social cues (why didn't we realise when we have been telling him since he was 4 to "read the scene" but he never could). He has been in therapy and group therapy from 4 to 18 and I was always told that it was bad parenting or that he was a difficult child. He experienced some terrible times in childhood due to this. Plus I also did soooo many parenting classes. I hope that this does not continue to happen to other families and individuals.
I’m undiagnosed just coming to terms with these new things I’m learning about my behaviour. This just helped me in so many ways I’m quite overwhelmed as so many things that relate and confirm what those around me have clearly know for a long time. Thank you for sharing your lived experience.
Munchausens
Awww. Similar to you my husband is accommodating. Funny thing is how accepting he is of my diagnosis. To the point where when he mentioned my diagnosis to someone once he also got angry because of their reaction. It was during a school meeting for our daughter and he mentioned thinking she might be on the spectrum too because I was. Really sweet and understanding person. Glad to see someone else find a good person too. I see too many lonely people on the spectrum and I feel bad for them.
I'm so happy to have just discovered your channel. I was diagnosed with "asperger's syndrome" (ASD) at age 43. I'm now 72. Looking forward to viewing your content.
Thank you meg for all you do, I love watching you're vids and bring part of your tt lives
Thank you for your video and sharing about the chapters you've travelled through. I'm brand new to your channel and relate so much to what you say. Yet to seek a diagnosis, so this is really useful in case I need to advocate for what I know to be true about myself
This is the video I have been looking for!!! Thank you so so much for sharing, Megan!!
When you talked about going non verbal, it was like a light came on. I remember being in school and I was with this women who was supposed to help me with my autism and she was a nightmare she kept trying to force me into things I couldn’t do. I remember so strongly sitting there and her telling me to do something and I just couldn’t, for whatever reason I couldn’t bring myself to say anything at all. I thought that was a problem with me but you’ve had it too
I had a similar experience with a psychologist, ironically the person who diagnosed me. Luckily, I was meant to see him for maybe 6 to 12 weeks (don’t remember, it was in 2000 and I didn’t know why I was there so wasn’t paying attention even though I was 17…) but he could tell his therapy wasn’t working for me so we mutually agreed to end the sessions early.
I cannot tell you just how much you’ve already helped me, and I just stumbled across a few of your videos today! Thank you, thank you for sharing yourself and all this information about forms of neurodiversity! I’m blown away but what I’ve learned in about 30 minutes and you’ve helped me recognize what’s going on in my brain. I’m almost 65 and had no idea I am in this family of “different thinkers.”
You are amazing and I can’t express my gratitude for what you’re doing on YT!!! ❤
Thank you, Megan. This resonates for me so much. ☀️
Your genius of sharing and ability to make understanding so clear thank you!
This video is so so beautiful! That’s wonderful to have friends and people around us that can make us happy and help us through our own experiences with love and understanding 💙💙💙
😭 thank you for the video, for your truth, your kind words, I for one appreciate. 💕
Damn, okay. You are so right about lived experiances because even though I've been research autism for two years now and I just bought my first book on it, I still uncover a lot of new explanations as to why I do stuff. The eyes watering when talking with your thesis director shook me to my core. I've always been very emotional and from as early as I remember I've always been crying when put in intimate conversation settings. I thought it was trauma for my whole life but it never made any sense, but hearing this, it just makes so much more sense. Thank you for opening up online so more people can understand themselves, you're doing amazing work!
Thank you so much! You made me feel seen. All you say about your husband is wonderful. My best friend does the same things for me, and a really appreciate that. My life would be a hundred times worse without him. Having someone in your life who listens, understands and cares about you makes all the difference in the world ❤
Very helpful, and I'm so sorry the professionals failed you so badly. I'm so glad videos like yours are around. The standard diagnostic criteria are only half a fit for me, but watching other autistic women talk about their experiences I recognise so much of myself. Thank you and keep up the good work.
Thank you so much for sharing this video and your knowledge!
I feel so seen. It is so much relatable. Thank you for making this video..
you're so sweet. this has been a very important video for me. good luck! :)
Thanks for making your videos. I have watched parts of a lot of different videos about this topic over the years. Sometimes there is conflicting information that doesn't fit for me and that makes it confusing. I relate to your content. It feels validating, and your voice and videos are soothing. I am a middle aged elementary school teacher, married mother of 2. My son was diagnosed at 17 months aspergers, now called ASD. Recently, I have wondered if my daughter is ADHD making some things hard for her. She really struggles with executive functioning. I am seemingly functional so I feel like you said. No one can see what it feels like on the inside and its difficult to understand when life deals a bad hand and I have a meltdown once in a while. It makes me so ashamed inside but then some people are more accommodating than others through stressful life events. I also relate to the listless something is wrong feeling of being understimulated and the constant internal battle between inner child and parent. That is such a intuitive way to describe it. I have always thought it was the angel and devil on my shoulders but its not always easy to know who's who. Just really wanted to say thanks for being you and sharing with the world so I could see I am not alone.
Thank you so much for this video. You are wonderful. ❤
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It's not easy, but it's real.
Thanks for the video. I've started suspecting I may be autistic a few months ago, I always just thought I was a high-functionning depressive, but the last few years took a turn and I now see so many of my neurodivergence traits that I had been completely unaware of. Thanks for helping me feel understood. ❤️
THANK YOU for this!
Awe! Thank you! ❤❤
Im so thankful to of found you!! I am 98 percent sure my daughter is autistic and watching your videos helped so much.
Thank you, for the great authentic insight
I feel seen and, yet, still confused about whether or not I am autistic.For reasons you’ve mentioned; how could I be? But I cannot deny that I experience many of the things people are talking about, to some degree. It just seems like it should be so much more, or more obvious. I know I should seek professional diagnosis but I am very bad at talking about myself 🤭.
Very informative, thanks!
Dear Megan, I have had much the same experience as you have. I too have ADHD and autism but wasn't listened to or believed for YEARS. Also being female, it's so much more difficult obtaining a proper diagnosis. On the face of it, I'm an extrovert yet ordinary communication is really difficult for me. You are blessed to have found such a husband who understands and even some friends who aren't 100% on board, even when I've tried to explain to them. Thanx so much for your channel.
Good to have joined the neurodivergent team❤
Both of my therapist that I have had for many years, brushed it off. When I mentioned that might be a possibility. I’ve still not had an official diagnosis but I need to go seek that out. At first I just listened to them because I thought they really knew what they were talking about, even without having to test. But years go by and I think it’s time. This is a really great channel by the way. I don’t know why it’s not much bigger with a lot more subscribers. I think you do a great job.
Such an important video!! Thanks
This video!! Thank you!! 🙌🙌🙌
You've helped me and I do feel seen, Thank you so much
So interesting and open and helpful, thank you
🥺😍😭😭😭😭 thank you so much for your videos!! 🥺🥺
I'm so glad you shared this, I have been told I have GAD, and Depression. The more I look into autism (especially for women) I realize that I have a lot of the same traits. I would try to talk to my pych about it but she would just dismiss it or tell me she doesn't think that I am. I want to get tested, at least to see if I am, but I can't get a referral. So I'm glad you come on and share your experiences, I can write down what traits I might have and just give my psych that, maybe that would get the ball rolling.
Thanks so much for this video!
Love the shout out to him.
Oh man, I've been wondering but I don't fit a lot of the things I have read, but I identified with a lot in your video. Time for me to watch more of your videos!
Excellent, thank you.
your last words... thank you
Thank you!
Ohhh, you've got Seamus Heaney's Beowulf on your shelf there!! I got to hear him read from it when I was in college and it was incredible.
Awesome insights which transformed inner experiences into words to share.
So many years listening to you! Thank you so much for sharing. I am not diagnosed officially but ever since my oldest child was diagnosed I realized I also was neurodiverse and this was healing to hear
I'm so glad I could help
I wish I met your channel earlier. You are Right, I felt seen. Thank u very much
Thank you ❤
Thank you so much
I had my specialist psychiatrist telling me "you can't be autistic if you desire social interactions. Autistic people like to be alone", telling me that if I were autistic I wouldn't understand my isolation, and worst of all he said "even if you were autistic there's no cure for it, so your diagnosis would be just a pointless cost for the National Health Services". It costed me 7 years of my life to pursue diagnosis without his support... and guess what: I AM autistic.
Because of him and because of some coping strategies I do have sometimes some 'imposter syndrome' episodes, but then I think back how my functioning affected me, the challenges, the difficulties, and the difference between something behavioural (as an introvert would be, for example) and something structural as a neurodiversity is
That thing about not responding while thinking of what to respond is me 100%
I'm a musician so I don't know about the stim part. However, I play drums on my knees and every possible surface all the time and it drives people nuts.
I seek eye contact but I have a hard time maintaining it. I have to look away and reset.
Thank you.
2:55 omg YES. no one ever talks about that symptom and it's one of my biggest. I'll respond in my head but forget to respond out loud.
This is so relatable. I am very temperature sensitive, which I put down to my chronic illness, Muckle-well syndrome. I put a lot of my social issues down to my hearing impairment and the fact that I'm an introvert and shy. I was told my lack of focus, inability to follow instructions and so forth was ADHD. While while true wasn't the only reason. The thing that annoys me is that even though I now have an Autism diagnosis, the phycologists who tested me made no mention of my obsession was mythology and magic.
In fact she was very dismissive right for the moment I mentioned it and completely failed to ask questions or find out more. She completely robbed me of the chance to explain that as a teenager I could name all the Egyptian gods, Greek gods, talk about Irish mythology, Ancient druids, witchcraft, African witch doctors, Native American beliefs, Aztecs, Mayans, Polynesian... you get the idea. I owned over a thousand books by the time I was in my 20's and what do I get? An obsession with scissors. She couldn't even get that right since I was obsessed with cutting things up, my walls were covered with pictures as a kid.
So I'm grateful for these videos. One thing I've struggled with: my professional service providers think I can't be autistic because I have a strong sense of empathy. I take exception to that because my best friend in highschool and now my son are very empathetic people but show it in different ways. I've always had sensory issues and I can be strongly asocial at times. I definitely stim quite frequently. I'm wondering if I just learned to mask so well that I can't get my health provider to take it seriously. however, I am diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety, so maybe they're attributing a lot of things to that?
I can relate to the strong sense of empathy thing, though it does show up differently for me than it does for most other people. For example, my younger sister came home after a date (she and her boyfriend broke up), super upset. Obviously I could tell she was upset and I felt angry and sad too, but instead of asking her what was wrong and if she wanted to sit next to me and cry, I was like "here's a sandwich, here's coffee, I'm going to go clean the bathroom now" because, had I been in her situation, that is what I would have wanted.
Thank you for this, from my heart I say.
This is a fantastic video. Thank you.
I just found out 4 minutes ago that I am not the only autistic person who has non-speaking episodes. I'm shook but so grateful. Here I go to watch a bunch more of your videos.
Thanks so much!
This was so good!!
Thank you, I relate to you a lot.
Just discovered your channel-very nice. I wish I wold get my NT wife to really understand what it is like to have both ADHD & Autism in my day to day.
This makes me feel so seen. I'm 51 and have a history of repeat 'issues' or problems, many of them people based. I have been wondering for a few years now if I may be on the spectrum even though my social problems are not what we think of as the 'usual' autism indicators. TFS 🙂
"Staring into his soul"
I'M LITERALLY YOU, YOU ARE ME, WE ARE EACH OTHER. Thank you so so much for this video
Same especially the nonverbal episodes! From the outside my past relationships think I'm giving the silent treatment or being spiteful or throwing a tantrum. I just can't speak or express how I feel sometimes and it's frustrating but I'm usually very calm when I'm dissociating
You are amazing !