This is honestly a little cathartic as a neurodivergent trans synth nerd. Until only two or three years ago, I literally felt like nobody would ever be able to relate to me given my strange (and often aimless) path through life. I used to get a lot of comments from neurotypical people about how I was "so talented" but also comments asking why I hadn't done X, Y or Z thing before a certain age. I can only speak for myself but I think living most of my life undiagnosed with autism (although I had an ADHD diagnosis from a young age), I really didn't have the tools or the courage to figure out who I actually was as a person. And that isn't to say I didn't accomplish anything. I play several instruments and write and record music in a variety of genres from synthpop to powerpop. I also do some computer programming, write parser-based interactive fiction, write poetry... I sometimes hear people talk about us having a singular special interest, but I know so many people on the spectrum who are polymaths, often in the exact same areas (such as music, programming and writing fiction or poetry). I doubt that I'll ever be able to monetize any of what I do, though. I struggle to finish things, I can be pretty stubborn, and honestly I feel like age (I'm 43) really is a barrier, and even if it isn't an impossible barrier, it's still very difficult for me to imagine having any sort of musical success at this point in my life. But I love the music I make, and I love watching folks on here (such as yourself) geeking out about synth and computer stuff, and maybe that's enough.
The thing “before a certain age” thing enrages me 😂, I’ve decided to basically reject Allistic values as being “for them, and them only, don’t put that stuff on me”… I wish I could program! But my technical skills kind of end at programming synths…I just struggle with big walls of text.
You did well to articulate these points. The fact that everyone creates a rationalising story for their experiences can give the impression that other people know what they're doing. They really don't. The stories seem plausible at surface level until you start to notice that people often say and do the opposite. No-one chooses to be born, and evidence for free will is scarce. Success (whatever that is) is arbitrary.
How refreshingly honest. Thanks for telling your story. Also top marks for the synthesiser Patel reference. I’ve still not nailed a synthesized bassoon.
Thank you so much for this. My daughter is autistic, and for years, my wife and I struggled to understand her feelings and how she saw the world. She was diagnosed a few years ago at the age of 15 and it's been a life changer for all of us, as we now communicate so much more, with real understanding of each other. Her love of music with me, as her dad, has been something we share, and have been to concerts together to relish in. Your insights are wonderful, powerful and from the heart... plus you know your synths. Thank you Paulee
Paulee, that was a fascinating video. I've been following what you do in the Amiga community for years. Appreciate your honesty in sharing a view from your side, hope to watch Arcade Dreams with my family when it's out. Good luck !
40's is a wonderfull age where you grow more and more balanced despite your traumas... plus you're still young and beautifull looking. I was thinking of Sting and his song "Moon Over Bourbon Street" ( check the Live In Amhem, 1985 version ) His lyrics are revealing. You're so brave to reveal yourself , just as much your talents and your flaws...
Hi Paulee: thanks for your heartfelt video. I too have autism, and I"m transgender, and I'm an electronic musician. As far as envy/jealousy, I no longer want to be admired by an audience. I'd rather be recognized by other musicians who do what I do. That's why I belong to a synth community (New England Synth Community). It's really important to me, and supports me in my creative work. Because they're like me; they really 'get' me and my music, and I 'get' them. I too had to learn all the music production skills myself, recording, mixing and mastering. I prefer to work on my own rather than with a band. I love your shows and I love watching you on Nick's Sonic Talk show too.
I found out i was autistic 10 years ago. Ive worked with synths since 1978. on the day i was given that news that another synth guy was diagnosed there a hour before me. Gary Numan. I was also told that a band that had a influenced on me were probably Autistic. Kraftwerk.
HEy! John Flattery recommended me to you as I'm autistic as well studying at Leeds Beckett. I'm having to go out for a year or two due to feeling overwhelmed with my workload but what you've said on here is pretty much spot on. Please keep making music and talking about your story mate. It's incredibly good to see some bloody representation!!
One of your videos, about synthesis on the Amiga appeared on my feed. I was watching all the way through, and found some great applications that I did not know exist. I used to live in OctaMED Pro 5... pretty much every single day, but always used pre-made samples. Anyway, this video came up next, and so many things clicked. First, I also now Zach, and helped with a shoot for Arcade Dreams in an arcade in Seattle. The other thing which clicked too, is that I too was diagnosed with autism a couple of years ago. I never knew what the problem was, but I just never found that I belonged anywhere. My whole life was just near 100% adversity. Diagnosis explains so much, and has also made it acceptable in my mind to self-advocate and lessen the "masking", which is exhausting. Good luck with the OST for the documentary. I'll keep watching the odd teasers that are put out.
I've had this in my Watch Later list for a long time, and I'm glad I finally sat down with it. What you say about the feelings of envy really hits home for me. I'm ADHD and it's so hard for me to watch others have a musical idea and just be able to do that idea when they want to, where it takes me months or sometimes even years. Long past the point where anyone besides me cares at all, and it feels so discouraging all the time to seemingly watch myself fail over and over again with seemingly no control. Then it makes me feel awful that I still want to do it, because it often feels like it "doesn't matter", even if it definitely does to me. It's a hard struggle to sit down with and still try to manage to motivate myself in the shade of that. Much love to you. Thanks for this.
We met at synth fest. You were with Uncle Brian. I was languishing on a leatherette settee in the bar. You’d just bought a 2nd hand Blofeld. I’d just sold mine. But our conversation triggered me to buy another. So there.
Thinking... shit.. i feel like this is happening to me too. Just alot of things, but its so hard to find and finance a psychologist... thanks for exposing... p
Thanks for posting this. As a fellow year 1982 musical autist growing up with the C64 and Amiga 500 later it helped me reflect my own journey. Keep unmasking and do your thing!
I'm 50 and not diagnosed. I never used to think I had autism until I came across people like yourself and one or two others on RUclips who I identify with extremely strongly, not 100% obviously but 95+% and hearing things I've always felt but never having heard anyone articulate the same feelings and experiences. I never thought I had it mainly because I'd heard that the main symptom was not being capable of empathy, which isn't something I identify with at all. I also have a cousin with Asperger's, and socially he just talks and talks and doesn't let anyone get a word in edgeways, and I'm the opposite of that and constantly worry that I'm boring people and will find nothing in common. Lost my career in IT now for various reasons, one being the way it was going with AI etc. which I hated. I have started recording music a bit but am far from competent
Thanks for stopping by; the empathy thing is pretty much debunked by now - instead of Autistic people having *no* empathy, there’s instead a “double empathy problem.” - which is a good Google search rabbit hole to go down 😂
@@magicalsynthadventure3216 I'll have a look, I've not heard about it. One thing I will say is I definitely have a lot more empathy for the downtrodden 😂
@@magicalsynthadventure3216 I read about that double empathy problem. I'd say that's definitely true, it's a problem in both directions. I think autistic people can be more open minded and willing to give people a chance though, whereas I've always had the majority of people take an instant dislike to me and ascribe bad intentions to me where none exist, they just imagine what they think is going on in my head but don't have a clue
One of the best discussions on this subject I've seen. Whilst I never suffered quite as much bullying, your checklist rings a lot of bells for me - am I just a big nerd with poor social skills or is it some level of ADHD/Autism I don't know - I think many of us are somewhere on the 'not normal' spectrum and at least need have an outlet to discuss it/strategise how to handle it.
Hey, I didn’t realise that it was you, you built Hyperion right? I think for one person to be able to make something that brilliant, there must be some level of hyperfocus/special interests going on, which could be scene as Autistic “traits”! I need to get a copy of Hyperion it’s amazing!!!
finally got around to watching this video, and all i really want to say is... YOU need to stop making videos (kuz they are so good ), kuz your killing ME! 😁😁(❁´◡`❁). But seriously, you're way stronger and better adjusted than you know. 💪💪💪💪 Keep pushing against the norm ( kuz its not that interesting in the end ), keep freaking me out with your personal style, and keep creating amazing music. Im a fan of pegs that cant fit into any hole without the use of a hammer. Two last things, 1) ** fancy computer graphics ** need i say more? 2) You gotta do the post-mortem videos about your early Fostex tracks you mentioned on Sonicstate today, or whatever else u got. Im on baord for that. Peace Love and Creativity Paulee. Never stop.
Thank you for sharing this, I just got diagnosed with autism, it's been a wild ride with depression anxiety and burnout.. Your story so powerful and creates hope, thank you!
Fantastic video buddy.. extremely brave and inpiring at the same time.. There were quite a number of elements of your story that I really identifyied with.. I struggled with social interaction for many years through my school life and early adult.. I'm sure if I had been born later, I would have been identified and diagnosed, but instead I became introverted and simply had to develop coping behaviours(not all of them healthy). I have quite bad ADHD(which seems to be getting worse) which is a massive source of frustration for me.. it always seems to stop me finishing/following through with things and that has definitely been helped by colaborating with others.. Thank you for being brave enough to make this video
Another autistic trans synth nerd popping in to say thanks for your vulnerability :) There are actually so many folks like us, these unique wild nerds who defy all categorization, living in the corners and cracks in the social structures where we grow into weird alien flowers. For a long time I felt like there was nobody else on a similar level. Then I realized so many of us are just hiding out in our bubbles of safety/coping, staying out of the bright lights and loud chaos of the world, tinkering away at fixing old computers or synths, staying up way too late obsessing over stuff like the sample rates of the different JV/XV units, taking burnout naps that last most of the day when it all feels like too much. Seeing you reach out like this reminds me to do it too. That means a lot. So thank you.
Bloody adore you, pal! What a ride this was! I'm so thankful to witness your talent, silliness and growth, and for this thoughtful reflection on the gifts and burdens our brainweirds give us. ❤
Thank you, it was very good to hear this. I'm close to 40 and have been struggling my whole life with similar things that you describe, and still haven't been diagnosed yet. So this was sort of eye opening, to go get myself properly diagnosed, to make that call. Thank you for your bravery!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I love your content and what you do! I can really resonate with so much of this. Also the hard feeling of being jealous of other creators and struggling with this. It is absolutely soul crushing, and especially in the art and music world, which requires so much direct socializing to push your works. Keep doing what you do! I'm looking forward seeing more of your work! Thank you.
Even though I love your music! I love how good you are with your videos! How good you are with using your Amiga for modern music production! Even though all this, this is still your most important and best video!
Absolutely awesome content Paulie. I got two teenge kids on the spectrum and listening to you speak about your experiences is amazing. Thanks for your content!
Thank you Paulee for the excellent, articulate video. As an Aspie diagnosed in my mid-20s, some things really resonated. Your honesty is encouraging & inspiring. Cheers, Rob.
Thanks for talking about this, I've only recently found your channel, but find your work very inspirational. I can certainly understand some of your struggles growing up, as I was diagnosed with ADD and ADHD (which may be a form of Autism) when I was in primary school, and I struggled, especially in middle school to deal with other children my own age. I just want to let you know I'm jealous of your ability to play music and create music effortlessly, but at the same time really apricate your talent. I also very much appreciate the retro computer artwork that you mix with you amazing music! I hope you reach the level of success you yearn to obtain!
Paulee, thanks for this heartfelt video. I think I'm undiagnosed, but my 12 yo son is. He gets bullied at school and we are trying to deal with it. He is outgoing and also into music and is taking piano and learning tuba. He is a tall, big kid (5'8 right now) and is really kind, but is getting a bit of a harder edge because of the bullying. I feel you! I've had bouts of depression and PTSD in my life. You need to continue on. You are a great breath of fresh air. You being trans is also important for other people that are trans to see you. So what if we are jealous bitches! Just part of life. My son also is learning social skills. Keep going and again, thank you! Mike
Thank you so much for this. I've never been diagnosed - I often joke that my 'quirks' are "ARTism", but I have always struggled. When you described the feeling of "out of step with reality" my head exploded. I am so grateful that you so bravely and clearly shared so much I feel.
What an amazing personal video with a lot of it sounding familiar. Instead of being jealous, I was more implosive but only recently managing it in a healthy way. Keep up the brilliant videos! I hope it’s not the last we hear from the brain of Paulee! 👍
Autistic, mid-30s, early diagnosis in the "MMR scare" years. Felt a lot of parallels watching this, which is the duality of autistic experience - the ease of finding comparisons, and the difficulties of feeling so far away at the same time. You're a good one, Paulee!
My dear friend across the pond! What an insightful, informative video this was. I always look forward to new material from you and wish you nothing but the best. The world needs more of Mx Paulee Alex Bow!
Feeling different that’s something I can recognize as Dyslectic, wanting to compensate, by drawing or showing had other skills, looking for things I can be good at, I guess this why got so hocked on programming.
While I'm not sure whether or not I'm on the spectrum, many of the things you experienced remind me of my past (including envy). I am diagnosed with OCD and anxiety, though. Thank you so much for sharing. You're the type of person I could see having a conversation with someday.
Brave of you to put yourself out there like that. And also reassuring to know that there's another 40-something transfeminine autistic person in the West Midlands who's into Amigas and synths. I don't have an ounce of your musical talent though.
If you want to dance-y places where people were well dressed in the 90s you were going to the wrong places lol, I mean that was kinda the point of rave no matter your age, race, sex everybody came together
my musicality was cursed by me choosing my starting instrument badly(guitar, my fingers dont have enough memory for that) and in turn casting selfdoubt on things i probably was more likely to be able to get good at and should have done more(singing and piano, playing piano by ear is not a skill i have been able to transfer to playing my synths) -another autistic person
I know you probably don't mean to, but I always struggle with the expression 'having Autism'. It implies we have some kind of illness we contracted. Do other people 'have normalism'? I also oppose that it is classified as a 'developmental disorder' for the same reasons.. I have a different way of experiencing the world around me (as is apparent to me by the feedback I get from people around me). If there is anything I 'have' is a slightly different way of processing and awareness that is due to the way my brain is 'wired'. I don't 'have' Autism.. I am Autistic...
Of course. I guess I simply want to invite people to think about and maybe change the wording around autism/autistic as a lot of it (even down to the modern day classifications) is detrimental to how autistic people are perceived. I don't see myself as 'having' autism anymore as another person having a brain, or blue coloured eyes or whatever. @@christopherprice3226
This is honestly a little cathartic as a neurodivergent trans synth nerd. Until only two or three years ago, I literally felt like nobody would ever be able to relate to me given my strange (and often aimless) path through life. I used to get a lot of comments from neurotypical people about how I was "so talented" but also comments asking why I hadn't done X, Y or Z thing before a certain age. I can only speak for myself but I think living most of my life undiagnosed with autism (although I had an ADHD diagnosis from a young age), I really didn't have the tools or the courage to figure out who I actually was as a person. And that isn't to say I didn't accomplish anything. I play several instruments and write and record music in a variety of genres from synthpop to powerpop. I also do some computer programming, write parser-based interactive fiction, write poetry... I sometimes hear people talk about us having a singular special interest, but I know so many people on the spectrum who are polymaths, often in the exact same areas (such as music, programming and writing fiction or poetry). I doubt that I'll ever be able to monetize any of what I do, though. I struggle to finish things, I can be pretty stubborn, and honestly I feel like age (I'm 43) really is a barrier, and even if it isn't an impossible barrier, it's still very difficult for me to imagine having any sort of musical success at this point in my life. But I love the music I make, and I love watching folks on here (such as yourself) geeking out about synth and computer stuff, and maybe that's enough.
The thing “before a certain age” thing enrages me 😂, I’ve decided to basically reject Allistic values as being “for them, and them only, don’t put that stuff on me”…
I wish I could program! But my technical skills kind of end at programming synths…I just struggle with big walls of text.
@@magicalsynthadventure3216 you may not be able to program but you make super cool videos and that’s also a skill!
Thanks. Programming wise I’m going to learn AMPLE, it’s a BASIC/FORTH style language that seems just about on my level 😊
You did well to articulate these points. The fact that everyone creates a rationalising story for their experiences can give the impression that other people know what they're doing. They really don't. The stories seem plausible at surface level until you start to notice that people often say and do the opposite. No-one chooses to be born, and evidence for free will is scarce. Success (whatever that is) is arbitrary.
How refreshingly honest. Thanks for telling your story.
Also top marks for the synthesiser Patel reference. I’ve still not nailed a synthesized bassoon.
I was unsure if anyone else had seen Synthesizer Patel 😂
Thank you so much for this. My daughter is autistic, and for years, my wife and I struggled to understand her feelings and how she saw the world. She was diagnosed a few years ago at the age of 15 and it's been a life changer for all of us, as we now communicate so much more, with real understanding of each other. Her love of music with me, as her dad, has been something we share, and have been to concerts together to relish in. Your insights are wonderful, powerful and from the heart... plus you know your synths. Thank you Paulee
Paulee, that was a fascinating video. I've been following what you do in the Amiga community for years. Appreciate your honesty in sharing a view from your side, hope to watch Arcade Dreams with my family when it's out. Good luck !
40's is a wonderfull age where you grow more and more balanced despite your traumas... plus you're still young and beautifull looking. I was thinking of Sting and his song "Moon Over Bourbon Street" ( check the Live In Amhem, 1985 version ) His lyrics are revealing. You're so brave to reveal yourself , just as much your talents and your flaws...
Hi Paulee: thanks for your heartfelt video. I too have autism, and I"m transgender, and I'm an electronic musician. As far as envy/jealousy, I no longer want to be admired by an audience. I'd rather be recognized by other musicians who do what I do. That's why I belong to a synth community (New England Synth Community). It's really important to me, and supports me in my creative work. Because they're like me; they really 'get' me and my music, and I 'get' them. I too had to learn all the music production skills myself, recording, mixing and mastering. I prefer to work on my own rather than with a band. I love your shows and I love watching you on Nick's Sonic Talk show too.
I found out i was autistic 10 years ago. Ive worked with synths since 1978. on the day i was given that news that another synth guy was diagnosed there a hour before me. Gary Numan. I was also told that a band that had a influenced on me were probably Autistic. Kraftwerk.
Fascinating story 👌🏻
I had Pleasure Principle on cassette, and spent my youth listening to my dad's Kraftwerk LPs [I have them all now ] @@magicalsynthadventure3216
HEy! John Flattery recommended me to you as I'm autistic as well studying at Leeds Beckett. I'm having to go out for a year or two due to feeling overwhelmed with my workload but what you've said on here is pretty much spot on. Please keep making music and talking about your story mate. It's incredibly good to see some bloody representation!!
One of your videos, about synthesis on the Amiga appeared on my feed. I was watching all the way through, and found some great applications that I did not know exist. I used to live in OctaMED Pro 5... pretty much every single day, but always used pre-made samples.
Anyway, this video came up next, and so many things clicked.
First, I also now Zach, and helped with a shoot for Arcade Dreams in an arcade in Seattle. The other thing which clicked too, is that I too was diagnosed with autism a couple of years ago. I never knew what the problem was, but I just never found that I belonged anywhere. My whole life was just near 100% adversity. Diagnosis explains so much, and has also made it acceptable in my mind to self-advocate and lessen the "masking", which is exhausting.
Good luck with the OST for the documentary. I'll keep watching the odd teasers that are put out.
I've had this in my Watch Later list for a long time, and I'm glad I finally sat down with it. What you say about the feelings of envy really hits home for me. I'm ADHD and it's so hard for me to watch others have a musical idea and just be able to do that idea when they want to, where it takes me months or sometimes even years. Long past the point where anyone besides me cares at all, and it feels so discouraging all the time to seemingly watch myself fail over and over again with seemingly no control. Then it makes me feel awful that I still want to do it, because it often feels like it "doesn't matter", even if it definitely does to me. It's a hard struggle to sit down with and still try to manage to motivate myself in the shade of that. Much love to you. Thanks for this.
Relatable, as another ADHD person.
I identify so much with this pal... ❤
Thanks for sharing.
We met at synth fest. You were with Uncle Brian. I was languishing on a leatherette settee in the bar. You’d just bought a 2nd hand Blofeld. I’d just sold mine. But our conversation triggered me to buy another. So there.
Thinking... shit.. i feel like this is happening to me too. Just alot of things, but its so hard to find and finance a psychologist... thanks for exposing... p
It really is hard, I've spent about £10,000 and though better, still struggle.
Been enjoying your material for a while now and love your music and covers, enjoyed the Geosynths with Jamie
Thanks for posting this. As a fellow year 1982 musical autist growing up with the C64 and Amiga 500 later it helped me reflect my own journey. Keep unmasking and do your thing!
Oh if I *really* unmasked I wouldn’t be able to hold a conversation 😂
@@magicalsynthadventure3216 🤪
🤪😐😶🌫️
❤❤❤❤❤ thank you so much! Made me cry a little 😊
Thanks, I hope it was a good, releasing kind of cry 😊
Saw you live at Kickstart earlier in the year and thought you were fantastic! ❤
I'm 50 and not diagnosed. I never used to think I had autism until I came across people like yourself and one or two others on RUclips who I identify with extremely strongly, not 100% obviously but 95+% and hearing things I've always felt but never having heard anyone articulate the same feelings and experiences.
I never thought I had it mainly because I'd heard that the main symptom was not being capable of empathy, which isn't something I identify with at all. I also have a cousin with Asperger's, and socially he just talks and talks and doesn't let anyone get a word in edgeways, and I'm the opposite of that and constantly worry that I'm boring people and will find nothing in common.
Lost my career in IT now for various reasons, one being the way it was going with AI etc. which I hated. I have started recording music a bit but am far from competent
Thanks for stopping by; the empathy thing is pretty much debunked by now - instead of Autistic people having *no* empathy, there’s instead a “double empathy problem.” - which is a good Google search rabbit hole to go down 😂
@@magicalsynthadventure3216 I'll have a look, I've not heard about it. One thing I will say is I definitely have a lot more empathy for the downtrodden 😂
Yes, me too 🫠
@@magicalsynthadventure3216 I read about that double empathy problem. I'd say that's definitely true, it's a problem in both directions. I think autistic people can be more open minded and willing to give people a chance though, whereas I've always had the majority of people take an instant dislike to me and ascribe bad intentions to me where none exist, they just imagine what they think is going on in my head but don't have a clue
One of the best discussions on this subject I've seen. Whilst I never suffered quite as much bullying, your checklist rings a lot of bells for me - am I just a big nerd with poor social skills or is it some level of ADHD/Autism I don't know - I think many of us are somewhere on the 'not normal' spectrum and at least need have an outlet to discuss it/strategise how to handle it.
Hey, I didn’t realise that it was you, you built Hyperion right? I think for one person to be able to make something that brilliant, there must be some level of hyperfocus/special interests going on, which could be scene as Autistic “traits”! I need to get a copy of Hyperion it’s amazing!!!
Thanks Paulee. Appreciate your kind words.
finally got around to watching this video, and all i really want to say is... YOU need to stop making videos (kuz they are so good ), kuz your killing ME! 😁😁(❁´◡`❁). But seriously, you're way stronger and better adjusted than you know. 💪💪💪💪 Keep pushing against the norm ( kuz its not that interesting in the end ), keep freaking me out with your personal style, and keep creating amazing music. Im a fan of pegs that cant fit into any hole without the use of a hammer. Two last things, 1) ** fancy computer graphics ** need i say more? 2) You gotta do the post-mortem videos about your early Fostex tracks you mentioned on Sonicstate today, or whatever else u got. Im on baord for that. Peace Love and Creativity Paulee. Never stop.
Hi, I'm a fellow Brummie with autism/ADHD. I wrote major hits for Duran Duran and was paid peanuts.
It sounds like you and I need to chat! 😊
@@magicalsynthadventure3216 Duz r👍
@@magicalsynthadventure3216
@@magicalsynthadventure3216 Can I private message you one here?
Thank you for sharing this, I just got diagnosed with autism, it's been a wild ride with depression anxiety and burnout.. Your story so powerful and creates hope, thank you!
Thanks, diagnosis is definitely a big adjustment to get used to.
Thanks for talking about this, It means a lot hearing from fellow autistic musicians. It feels a little less lonely thanks to you.
That was my goal 100%, thanks 😊
Fantastic video buddy.. extremely brave and inpiring at the same time..
There were quite a number of elements of your story that I really identifyied with.. I struggled with social interaction for many years through my school life and early adult.. I'm sure if I had been born later, I would have been identified and diagnosed, but instead I became introverted and simply had to develop coping behaviours(not all of them healthy).
I have quite bad ADHD(which seems to be getting worse) which is a massive source of frustration for me.. it always seems to stop me finishing/following through with things and that has definitely been helped by colaborating with others..
Thank you for being brave enough to make this video
It felt good to get it all out.
Another autistic trans synth nerd popping in to say thanks for your vulnerability :) There are actually so many folks like us, these unique wild nerds who defy all categorization, living in the corners and cracks in the social structures where we grow into weird alien flowers. For a long time I felt like there was nobody else on a similar level. Then I realized so many of us are just hiding out in our bubbles of safety/coping, staying out of the bright lights and loud chaos of the world, tinkering away at fixing old computers or synths, staying up way too late obsessing over stuff like the sample rates of the different JV/XV units, taking burnout naps that last most of the day when it all feels like too much. Seeing you reach out like this reminds me to do it too. That means a lot. So thank you.
Such a heart warming and amazing life share. You’re so talented and kind. Thank yoy for this!
NP 😊
RUclips doesn't get better than this! Thanks Paulie!
Bloody adore you, pal! What a ride this was! I'm so thankful to witness your talent, silliness and growth, and for this thoughtful reflection on the gifts and burdens our brainweirds give us. ❤
Brainweirds 👌🏻
Thank you for talking about ,and sharing, your experiences. I got quite emotional watching. 💙🌟🎶
Yeah it was a rollercoaster to make 😅
Thank you, it was very good to hear this. I'm close to 40 and have been struggling my whole life with similar things that you describe, and still haven't been diagnosed yet. So this was sort of eye opening, to go get myself properly diagnosed, to make that call. Thank you for your bravery!
Oh wow, I’m glad that it helped. Good luck with the diagnosis 🖤
Thank you so much for sharing this. I love your content and what you do! I can really resonate with so much of this. Also the hard feeling of being jealous of other creators and struggling with this. It is absolutely soul crushing, and especially in the art and music world, which requires so much direct socializing to push your works. Keep doing what you do! I'm looking forward seeing more of your work! Thank you.
Thanks, this means so much. I was so scared that no one would *get* the jealousy thing.
@@magicalsynthadventure3216 Much appreciated! I am really glad to hear that we're not alone in this :)
Even though I love your music! I love how good you are with your videos! How good you are with using your Amiga for modern music production! Even though all this, this is still your most important and best video!
Thanks, I felt so too 😊
Lot of humility in this video
Absolutely awesome content Paulie. I got two teenge kids on the spectrum and listening to you speak about your experiences is amazing. Thanks for your content!
Thanks for watching 😊
Thank you Paulee for the excellent, articulate video. As an Aspie diagnosed in my mid-20s, some things really resonated. Your honesty is encouraging & inspiring. Cheers, Rob.
I was mid-20’s too. Thanks for the kind words 🖤
Thanks for talking about this, I've only recently found your channel, but find your work very inspirational. I can certainly understand some of your struggles growing up, as I was diagnosed with ADD and ADHD (which may be a form of Autism) when I was in primary school, and I struggled, especially in middle school to deal with other children my own age. I just want to let you know I'm jealous of your ability to play music and create music effortlessly, but at the same time really apricate your talent. I also very much appreciate the retro computer artwork that you mix with you amazing music! I hope you reach the level of success you yearn to obtain!
Thanks so much. Other kids were so difficult to understand for me, too.
Finally got around to watching this and loved it, really well put together and heartfelt ❤
Not a bad effort for a jealous little bitch 😂
All power to you from another autistic person with special interest vintage computers and synthesizers.
Paulee, thanks for this heartfelt video. I think I'm undiagnosed, but my 12 yo son is. He gets bullied at school and we are trying to deal with it. He is outgoing and also into music and is taking piano and learning tuba. He is a tall, big kid (5'8 right now) and is really kind, but is getting a bit of a harder edge because of the bullying.
I feel you! I've had bouts of depression and PTSD in my life. You need to continue on. You are a great breath of fresh air. You being trans is also important for other people that are trans to see you. So what if we are jealous bitches! Just part of life. My son also is learning social skills. Keep going and again, thank you! Mike
Thanks for sharing 🖤
Respect!
Thanks!
Thank you so much for this. I've never been diagnosed - I often joke that my 'quirks' are "ARTism", but I have always struggled. When you described the feeling of "out of step with reality" my head exploded. I am so grateful that you so bravely and clearly shared so much I feel.
I’m glad that it resonated with you :) I’m happy to chat more.
What an amazing personal video with a lot of it sounding familiar. Instead of being jealous, I was more implosive but only recently managing it in a healthy way. Keep up the brilliant videos! I hope it’s not the last we hear from the brain of Paulee! 👍
Thanks Mike 👍🏻
Autistic, mid-30s, early diagnosis in the "MMR scare" years. Felt a lot of parallels watching this, which is the duality of autistic experience - the ease of finding comparisons, and the difficulties of feeling so far away at the same time.
You're a good one, Paulee!
You are too 😊
My dear friend across the pond! What an insightful, informative video this was. I always look forward to new material from you and wish you nothing but the best. The world needs more of Mx Paulee Alex Bow!
The world will be getting more of me whether it wants to or not 😂
Feeling different that’s something I can recognize as Dyslectic, wanting to compensate, by drawing or showing had other skills, looking for things I can be good at, I guess this why got so hocked on programming.
Thanks for sharing your experiences as an autistic person adapting to this crazy work of ours!
I’m not crazy, it’s everybody else! 😂
While I'm not sure whether or not I'm on the spectrum, many of the things you experienced remind me of my past (including envy). I am diagnosed with OCD and anxiety, though. Thank you so much for sharing. You're the type of person I could see having a conversation with someday.
Sure, yes 👌🏻
Hugs!!!!❤❤❤
🫶
great video, thank you for sharing.
Thanks for watching! 😊
Brave of you to put yourself out there like that. And also reassuring to know that there's another 40-something transfeminine autistic person in the West Midlands who's into Amigas and synths. I don't have an ounce of your musical talent though.
Thanks. Are you going to come along to the Midlands Amiga Group? Could be strength in numbers 😊
I didn't know there was a Midlands Amiga group. Sadly I don't own any original hardware anymore.
You are very inspiring 😄
Great stuff. Keep it up 👍 ✌️
If you want to dance-y places where people were well dressed in the 90s you were going to the wrong places lol, I mean that was kinda the point of rave no matter your age, race, sex everybody came together
Didn’t meet the right people until late in life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
You'd be fun to just hang out for a Tuesday afternoon programming old digital synths together. 😺👍
Lol K2000? Ensoniq’s? Kawai K5? 😂
@@magicalsynthadventure3216
Yep, and Wavestation, Yamaha V50 ( alternate assign mode💪), V-Synth.... .... ... .. .
my musicality was cursed by me choosing my starting instrument badly(guitar, my fingers dont have enough memory for that) and in turn casting selfdoubt on things i probably was more likely to be able to get good at and should have done more(singing and piano, playing piano by ear is not a skill i have been able to transfer to playing my synths)
-another autistic person
Self-doubt sucks 😔
My 26 year old son has Autism he only likes video games. No love for synths or guitars. Makes me sad. He is not musical in anyway.
Kids can make a fortune from streaming videogames these days!
all video games contain synth sounds, there may be something there
I know you probably don't mean to, but I always struggle with the expression 'having Autism'. It implies we have some kind of illness we contracted. Do other people 'have normalism'? I also oppose that it is classified as a 'developmental disorder' for the same reasons.. I have a different way of experiencing the world around me (as is apparent to me by the feedback I get from people around me). If there is anything I 'have' is a slightly different way of processing and awareness that is due to the way my brain is 'wired'. I don't 'have' Autism.. I am Autistic...
I still love him no anger. Just sad he misses the joy of playing music with his hands.
Of course. I guess I simply want to invite people to think about and maybe change the wording around autism/autistic as a lot of it (even down to the modern day classifications) is detrimental to how autistic people are perceived. I don't see myself as 'having' autism anymore as another person having a brain, or blue coloured eyes or whatever. @@christopherprice3226