Agreed. I remember having to skip school to help my mom out at her jobs, sometimes even biking across town to get there with her. Many times we did have to work as one unit just to have a roof over our head. But as an adult now, it breaks my heart that that's the version of our relationship they chose to cling onto instead of discovering or building an even better one with us now.
Oh my gosh. The part about the obligatory phone call to the parents describe something I have dealt with for years. It’s just awful. Especially because all my narcissistic mother does is complain and try to get me to come down in her hole and wallow with her. It is so exhausting. I’ve finally gotten away from that. And of course she is so angry when I don’t call her.
I'm sorry you're going through that. It sucks but is it weird to feel good that I'm not the only one going through this? You've literally described what I've been going through for ever. I pray that you heal and are happy xoxo
My mother has passed on and there is a relief in that. I know she is with The Lord, but I am still dealing with giving myself permission to live my own life w/o feeling guilty. I now understand I was so programmed to be overly concerned & overly responsible for everyone else that I did not even know what I was feeling or thinking. No child should be responsible for a parent. My mother was parentified with helping her parents financially and yet she got married even though my Pop Pop said to her, "I'll have to sell my car now." When she announced her engagement which I don't understand. Perhaps my mom was helping her dad, our Pop Pop, pay for his car or household expenses so he could afford his car? My dad took care of the whole wedding so not sure why our Pop Pop made that comment to her. Definitely a guilt message! It is generational. My mother always said things to make us kids, me & my siblings, feel guilty. Like holding her heart when stressed out, "saying you kids will be the death of me yet!!??" Can you imagine or worse, call us a stream of vulgarities, "you no good...blankety-blank with NO apology, ever!! Like she had amnesia that she said any of it. And of course, we were to afraid to ever confront her for fear of something worse come upon us kids. I think TAPPING on these mom, FOO, issues will help me A LOT!
Now I'm an adult I'm STILL being told I'm not one in certain cases. The guilt, shame and confusion is indescribable. Boundaries I understand, in practice feel painful. How to get through it: it's parentification as a child and infantilisation as an adult. It explains a lot of why I boomerang between own space and childhood home.
If your parents are like mine, they will say anything to make themselves feel justified in treating you poorly. Just the other day one of mine started name calling for fixing things he couldn't and accused me of having no mechanical knowledge. I have a degree and work experience far beyond anything he has ever done 🤷♂️ the only thing I can't fix is my parents
@@pyramidion5911 See, he is projecting onto you his own failings and rejected aspects of himself. This way he doesn't have to reject himself, instead, you become the surrogate for his self-loathing, envy and hate. My mother resents me because I had my school debt forgiven and wiped, instead of being happy for me, she acted like a petulant child tearing me down because I got lucky, and she had to file bankruptcy and quit college to never return. I plan on returning to finish my senior year working on my B.A. in Psychology once my current situation calms down and gets sorted. She couldn't even look me in the eye when she claimed, "Psychology is just a pseudo-science" She knows this is not true because if she really felt that way, she wouldn't have forced me into therapy multiple times growing up. It's pathetic that they get envious/jealous of us for doing better than they did. I was the only one who clawed my way out of my family's house, took 5 times before I got it to stick. It'll be a cold day in hell before I ever stoop to crawl back to my parents. I'll be homeless before that happens.
I used to spend hours per day talking with my mother on the phone, and I’ve come to realize that she used that to bribe me into taking care of my siblings for her, who migrated to another country. It got sour when one of my siblings had a baby and i was adamant that I’m not going to spend my young adult life doing this parenting of her children… and now grand children all over again. At age 30 now, I only call her like once every 2 weeks and I’ve put up more boundaries with her and her children. I love them but I can’t give up my life for them anymore. Thanks for your validating videos, Dr. Kim.
I am confused. My mom tells me to “live my life.” But whenever I do, she has a problem with it. She claims she wants me to be independent but she enables me NOT to be. I can tell her over and over again to not do things for me, but she will still do it. I feel trapped. I am afraid to live my life because I know if I make my own decisions, I will get a ton of criticism and judgment.
I hear that, it's so confusing. It's like bruh wtf do you want from me? One minute mine will be happy and chilled out then after a slight inconvenience or a minor stress she will basically shut down and will just lie there on the sofa for days, just thinking and over analysing things. I'm just happy I found this playlist, it nails many things that I have noticed but never put together properly. It's difficult to recognize enmeshment, I've been through happy/stable periods where I told myself that I'm making it up etc, basically just coping. But now I'm never going back to that mindset, I want out desperately.
@@kellyevans9801I still deal with it, just remember to focus on your own life and don't get bogged down by their emotional back and forth nonsense. They will take up all the time and energy you need to move ahead in life, if you let them.
It sounds like she's trying to enmesh you, violating your boundaries and taking away your autonomy to live your own life as you see fit. She's trying to maintain control over you by infantizing you, enabling you so she takes over control of your own chores and whatnot. Making you feel like you're 5 again and she's still trying to raise you as if you never grew up. This is because she's terrified of not being needed anymore. You need to move out asap and get into therapy so you can work on getting rid of the enmeshment and building up your ability to create firm boundaries that you won't tolerate your mom crossing and follow through on the "negative consequences" i.e. minimizing contact to once a month or something if that. Or completely block her until she can respect your boundaries and wishes. You want to get away from her influence so you can think clearly. This stuff messes with our heads, I'm still working on healing that trauma myself, so I barely talk with my mother because everything always leads to her dragging me into a fight over her belief system I do not share.
I'm done! I'm so glad! I don't care, I don't feel guilty, it's time to break from my mothers sickness. When my father died I didn't cry, when she dies I won't cry. I don't care, they both robbed me of my childhood. I was the parent, protector, therapist. Bye Mom!🙂
Allllll of this! 100% verbatim my life with my mom. I finally set and maintained the boundary, one of the hardest things I’ve done for two reasons: 1. Because of how intense her push back guilt trips were, I never felt more subjugated! 2. I had that child like anxiety that “oh man my mom is gonna be mad, I cannot disappoint her, I cannot have this boundary”. However, being pregnant for with my second child, and remembering how much I suffered due to the enmeshment during and after my 1st pregnancy has been my anchor to stay strong and enforce my de-enmeshment
It's taken me YEARS to figure out what I'm dealing with and you did it in 25 minutes. Thank you. thank you. Thank you. I'm so glad I discovered your channel. I appreciate your soothing and pleasant voice; I hear kindness and compassion when I listen to you.
I was my mom's target as the middle of five kids. She made me her confidante, secrets you should never tell your daughter. I was responsible for her happiness, and after i divorced she tried to nail me down to an agreement not to remarry and that she could follow wherever I go. She managed to manipulate her way into my home and then wanted to buy a house together. She got pretty butt hurt when i said no, but she started getting the message it wasn't working anymore. Now I just cut her off if she starts in, but it doesn't happen often because she knows I will tell it like it is in front of others. If she ever wants to cut me off, cool. The other four don't want her either.
My mom never told me I'm not an adult. I was totally groomed to take care of her. My dad was a narcissist or definitely had narcissistic traits. I slept with them for many years. I was named after her mom, so I thought it made sense to her. I'm an excellent caregiver. I am super in-tuned with my environment. My mom passed away when I was 26. When I moved to LA, she asked me to come back to NY, because she needed me, because the other siblings were not taking proper care of her. I was devastated. I miss her sorely😢I do this now in my life. Constantly involved with narcissists and narcissistic people.
The only way out is through, so it sounds a lot like you may need to learn to identify the red flags so you can nip them in the bud before they get their hooks into you. If your father was a Narcissist, this is going to be the type of person you'll be attracted to, as you noted. We truly do marry those who resemble our parents, sadly.
Its so strange how i need video's like this reminding me that i indeed took a adult role on in childhood. Especially as you say ''emotional'' adult role. My mom, sister, stepfather where fighter a lot with eachother, except me. I never joined, stay silent, avoidant, not trying to contribute to their fighting. And sometimes if i remember correctly trying to give advice, hoping to give them insight into their ridiuclousness. And i was the youngest of the family doing that, wich makes it even more crazy. You think you are a child because ''Well my mom cooks for me and washes my clothes.'' But thats not how it works. I mean when i was 8 yo or something, she already asked me to open the door if a stranger ringed the doorbell. That then become my responsibility, even tho it made me anxious to having to do it. I think the mindf*ck is that my mother rewarded me by being the parent. She would indeed literally say something like ''Oh you are such an old soul''. Or that i'm so smart and wise for my age. I think i still don't get how toxic she actually is.. i don't know. Its as if felt like that ''rewarding'' behaviour of her and confused that with ''connection''. Her emeshment feels like ''intimacy'', but its not. And i had no friends or other connection with other people. So almost the ONLY source of emotional connection and intimacy, was with a borderline mother who did not allow me to be a child. And next to that i have autism. Makes sense how i feel like i'm nobody and have no identity.
Your videos are very hard for me to watch because they hit my heart. I almost disassociate while watching. But that tells me I need to stay the course. Thank you for posting your videos. After $$$$ and many years, you have hit the nail on the head that other therapists have not been able to express to me.
Thank you Dr. Sage! So many questions and unknowns were answered for me in your video! At 18 I went on an extended stay in Florida to see my brother and made friends with my brother and sister in law. Went home to get my things and go back to live. My parents forbid it. I was too scared to argue with them so I gave up that dream. Five months later I moved in with my boyfriend. They disowned me! They never told their friends where I really was. My mother had Borderline and my father was rageful. Thus began the adult phase of the enmeshment. I lived my life. They disowned me. When I was a teenager, my mother gave me the silent treatment for weeks at a time. Until I was completely lost in guilt and anxiety.
Omg! Thank you! I feel validated and relieved. Every psychiatrist/ psychologist I’ve gone through I’ve used the word Enmeshment. Not one, not ONE has explained it to me like this. I’ve waisted tons of money, time, and thought I was crazy. Thank you so much!!!
As the mom of a family who honestly loves her children but inadvertently helped create an enmeshed family system, I’m sad and regretful. I wish I could go back and redo things but I wouldn’t know how. I want to do better now with my grown children. Is it ever too late? And how can I begin to create a safe space for my family when we come together?
It’s so helpful to hear you talk about enmeshment. Since it’s crazy making (acting as an adult, then being made like a child again), it’s validating to hear that it’s not only in my head.
When I went to college, my mom made me promise to call her every single day, which I actually did for 4 years but I was highly resentful the entire time. I even communicated to her that I did not want to do this repeatedly. She would always tell me it's just a small ask of me and it's because she cares and wants to know I'm okay. Now I am married and have moved out. She'll ask for a phone call once a week. It's only once a week but I feel like I'm getting flashbacks to the college phone calls.
Thank you Dr Sage🙏🏻The video is a great summary of Enmeshment and the enormous challenge to separate out from those relationships. I came from an enmeshed family system. Both my patents have passed away and it was not until this happened that I could really feel safe enough to see the full extent of my own trauma from the enmeshment. I am still working through all the growth phases. I find that coping with other people's reaction of displeasure to a boundary is the hardest. My reaction to their displeasure is so embodied. Like it is triggering that inner child who realised that if I don't please or merge, I will not survive. It is the inner child lost in the distant past but the Amygdala is firing and telling my body I am in danger right now. As you say, PolyVagal work and being mindful is helpful in the moment when you just want to protect and calm that inner child to feel safe again by following the old wiring of merging and pleasing. It takes time and patience and constant self compassion for this work of healing. Your videos are a great companion for this. Many thanks 🙏🏻
We are all, everyone of us, wounded children. Just on varying degrees. Finding the way back to loving and accepting self takes so much work. We owe it to ourselves though to do it.
Feel horribly responsible and like I have to give up so much for my mom. I know exactly how it would be without her. Free! If there was no guilt. The guilt is all that keeps me hear. I would be fine without her other than not being able to live with myself.
Yes, this is so helpful! Thank you for clarifying what enmeshment is which is still sometimes confusing for me! The thought of repercussions by even cutting phone conversations short strikes fear in my heart. It's a good point that learning how to tolerate the guilt and the displeasure coming your way when you set boundaries is key, because we all know it's coming.
My female partner (32) is enmeshed w her mom. I know and see her texting her over and over every single day and up until they say goodnight. And she does this choosingly and I have brought it up as abnormal and she'd get angry in defense of that dynamic. Plus she drives an hour away to see them every week and her mother doesnt have a license and my partner drives her around for errands as if she is somehow obligated to. But she does that so willingly even though she is enabling her mom's bad and odd behavior. My partner acts like what she is doing is totally normally, but I feel she hasn't had a chance to develop a sense of self.
Yeah me too. Since my parents marriage went sour and mom & I moved out when I was 16. Its like she owns me, and gets a say in all my choices. Gotta see that documentary. Brook's book on postpartum was a big help. How I really feel? I don't like my mom, and I resent the pressures she's placed on me, and the manipulation she has silently worked on me for her own gain, her own selfish needs, and then turned around and called me selfish. I don't like her as a person. I used to think I could or would never separate from my mother. She was my best friend and that nothing could ever separate us, but her husband managed to do it, pry the two of us apart. And when my dad died, my entire thinking turned on its head. Mom was surprised too cuz she never thought anything could damage our relationship. I used to talk to her every day and shared almost everything with her, and now I am at the cusp of going virtually non-contact. I'm not going to send her a birthday card for the first time ever. That will show her that I am serious about this particular boundary. That she has indeed done something wrong. And I think she subconsciously did this because she wanted to break free. I think our relationship has put strain on both of us. I know I used her, knowing she could never say no to me. I forced her to be BFFs with me. She was my easy ticket, but she used it as a get in free card, a backstage pass behind my boundaries. And now she's done the one thing I can never forgive.
Not sure too, however it is much easier for you to go no contact and openly despise them. For us , whose parents loved them sometimes conditionally, only if they did things they liked, they wanted, never asking child or caring, its very hard to understand what to feel. Did they even love them? Or they were used to fulfil their dreams? Very very hard
Thank you dr Sage🌸 This enmeshment can go on until one of two die. I knew of three women in their 50s, emotionally hijacked by their narcissistic/borderline mothers their entire life. They never had a chance to separate and individuate, have their own life, children. Those mothers create crazy making situations, and require all focus on tending to their needs. Sadly, once I knew what this grip was, I removed myself from their stories. Do not wish to be part of the triangulation game. Wish you well in all you do🍀 🌸💜🌟💎
Hard to describe isn't it, as to being wired. In my thirties just years before she passed, told me this but, in just so many words .... Thank-you for your comment 💐🌸🌿🌹🌺🌾
Thank you for once again, for validating and giving me language for what has been indescribable and dismissed experiences with profound, lifelong consequences. Thank you For tools, compassion and encouragement ❤
Thank you Dr. Sage. I had all this, and then my Enmeshed/narcissistic mother told me I was adopted at 12(only to head off an older jealous sibling who hated me was going to) but said this is our secret, and no one must ever know(as she was crying). Needless to say Thats when I snapped,basically dissociated. Started having anxiety and panic attacks, etc...Ive never let myself have real happiness or be successful(sabotage when it gets good)since then. My thought process at the time was, "If Im happy, my mom will die". I think also, it was "if I accept this reality then my whole world will crumble, or if I accept the truth then it will hurt mom". So I had to shove down the whole truth of who I was. I guess, Im writing this, because I would love if you could touch on the subject of adoption and the narcissistic/enmeshed mother if you could. I know I have CPTSD from this and more, and keep peeling layers away it seems everyday. Thank you again for your important work.
Love all your videos! Very calming and informative. I would love it if you would make a video series about how to handle borderline or narcissistic parents who are disabled and/or elderly. I feel like being a caretaker for a parent who is like this adds another confusing layer. I can't find many videos on how to handle bpd or npd, difficult parents when you're in a caregiving role. I feel like it's harder to have boundaries. My mom is severely disabled and demands that us, her family, do everything to take care of her, even though we are struggling so much. She needs much greater care than we can give her. But she doesn't care how hard it is on us. She says basically it's our duty to take care of her, but her definition of us taking care of her is very narrow. It's killing our family.
Can you do a video about father/daughter enmeshment? This is very common with disordered fathers using eldest daughters as surrogate wife & mother. Particularly after divorce when daughter is groomed to hate her mother as father does. So much shame, guilt & loss.
Wow so well put.I felt this in my core how you said this perfect idk om amazed!Im Takeing steps to Stop this cycle with my parents its so intense but its worth it.holy moly the most validation ever !! This is how I feel! I've never heard it put like this..thank you with everything in me.I feel so seen felt like you were talking to me
I was always very enmeshed with my mum. I have a disorganized attachment style and am currently trying to heal. My parents had a toxic relationship with infidelity and fighting but stayed together. My dad has always been very emotionally immature/emotionally unavailable. I remember when i was little maybe 6, he came into my room before bed and told me mum doesnt love him anymore. He would drive is to school and rag on her the whole way when they still lived together. I finally live without either of them but sometimes i feel like id be relieved when they die so i never have to listen to either of them again about their shitty relationship.
I can't tell you how much it makes my day to have your videos pop through so often Dr Sage! ❤ I just love your passion and authenticity. This series reaonates so much. The sad realisation for me is that over 2 decades after my dads death, I'm still living out the patterns and his imagined responses from above. I love the tips towards goals, I need to let go of being the agreeable, considerate caretaker and learning to be ok when people aren't happy with me or my own choices. I'm so concious of not passing this on to my teens.🙏
Just listening to your honesty in describing the symptons and causes of enmeshment is healing in itself. l was lucky in that my mother was really loving and caring and brought me up as her child and really enjoyed her role as a mother However, she came trom a large family and one particular sister was very jealous and damaged and tried to guilt trip and enmesh my mother. Just to point out that enmeshment can come from other family members I think you are doing a great job in helping people change qnd grow. Very diwn to earth Keep up the good work Dr Sage. ❤
Dr. Sage - I'll admit that I had my doubts when I happened upon this video. But it is excellent! In language that is easy to understand, you explain enmeshment so that it is clear. You come across as an approachable, humble person. And you give realistic advice on how to heal from the trauma. Well done Kim!!
My mom was just neglectful and still is, like I don’t exist She let her dad verbally abuse me since I was 5 until he died and then trained my older son to hate me. Now she has left me in an apartment after I left an abusive exremely abusive relationship and have nothing and she enables my older son and he is going down a bath path he lives with her and acts like he hate me: I raised ky 2 boys all on my own/ worked and went to college. I’ve been my moms parent. I have no support and she doesn’t care if my son beats me she rewards him
My case isn't as intense as a lot of others seem to be, but I definitely recognize some signs of that in my mom. She's one of the most important people in my life and she's a lovely person. But I am realizing she has a fairly anxious attachment style. She's expressed multiple times that I'm her best friend and she thinks about me and worries about me all the time. She does call me nearly every day (and I always feel guilty ending the conversation). Every time I came back from some kind of overnight school trip, I could feel this intense relief from her and a desperation for my presence. I felt so deeply ashamed for following my own goals and moving out for college. I kept having to remind myself that I'm not "making her" feel bad and being selfish. She's pretty good about not giving me too hard of a time when I make decisions for myself, but I still just *feel* the pressure from her
Thanks you Dr, Sage. I just understand this. It's the most suffering I still go through after go no contact with my family. I've never really understand this. When you talk about this and I watch Pretty Baby with Brooke interviews I gotbit now
This happens a lot in families in NYC in my community where resources are scarce, immediate and often extended family have to share cramped space. It's hard to self-differentiate and very mentally taxing.
I was infantilised and treated as I was useless. I had no energy to build a life outside the family, and so...I was not allowed to help but always felt guilty about that. I know understand that it was very controlling, because in general I am happy to help and very curious. Now I live in another country. My mother's caregivers are my father and brother, and soon they will have to get help from a professional. I suffer with depression and general anxiety...I was thinking about going and visiting my mom, staying for a month ( doing Home office) . I don't think it's a good idea ...I would have no role, I would feel useless ... just triggers. I will visit her in a couple of months...
Wow. I’m in a relationship with someone who has this across the board in his relationships - aunt, daughter, work and I just found out a past partner who he seems to have strong feelings of obligation to and that has thrown me. And unknowingly a few weeks ago - I pointed out he’s got to care for himself and he was defensive about how he and why he cares for them. Thank you for what you do- there is so much to this and your passion to provide knowledge and support is invaluable. And of course the compassion is moving. It breaks my heart to know what so many people have been through. I said the other day - Unreal yet Real. 🙏❤️
I could us a therapist like yourself. I have been emotionally enmeshed, then was in a ten year relationship with a narcissist. I am currently living with a narcissist, and this individual is spinning the story to blame me. I already grew from this behavior. What you said above about we tend to do what we learned from them, that's how I know. I realized at the end of that 10 year abusive relationship that I was starting to act like my mother and the not good side of my then girlfriend. The same thing happened with this roommate. I allowed there behavior to gaslight me, but instantly knew I should talk it out, figure out why I was angry with him, and move on. My boyfriend does not believe me, even though my godmother who is a licensed therapist is telling him the same things I am. I recognize it because I've lived this abuse, and I've exhibed these same behaviors until I learned it was wrong. A good therapist is all I'm looking for. If not you specifically, a reaurce/recommendation for a personal therapist would be great. If you read through all of this much love and thanks! ❤
My mom wanted to play as the dependent/child, lean on me like her closest friend, closer than her husband (my father) who she would run to complain about to me but would happily wield her authority when she felt like it. If I gave advice on resolving conflict I was told I didn't understand and was just a kid... Funny how I wasn't just a kid when she needed a free therapist and comfort.
I remember this. I remember my #1 fear being my parents dying-as a married adult. I would dream of my mom dying and the whole day after I woke up would be completely hijacked by it.
This is very good insightful information. So right in our current family situation I'm the mom needing to do this work and my kids are 11 and 16. I can see some of these cycles mentioned here running in our family/ their family of origin that have come from my experience as a child. So I'm questioning how the move forward in our situation. Do I do the work suggested here on identity development and present this to them maybe as preventative care to do the same work. Or is this geared more to adult children. I would rather get to it now when it's not so established as it would for them when they are adults. More preventative care measures for them. Thank you for this vital information not only for me and my family but for my clients as well. I'm a therapist. Thank you again ❤
My bf is enmeshed with his aged mom & dad. She is extremely protective of him. She inteterferes in our relationship so much. I have had to step back from both of them. They have realized it is too much. She is 92 yrs old and has a lot of PTSD and talks about it incessantly. She tires me. I am trying to continue with my bf. It is very complicated....
Great listening, here! I understand so much “More.” It’s apparent that you have alot of professional experience..& Much life experience w/Your own Mom & Your child/children..🏅
Omg I didn't realise that I had this until watching your video my so called mother got me to sleep in her bed with my younger sister and she had some sort of hold over me she hated me when I was younger I latter worked out she wasn't my real mother I have cptsd neglected as a child and suffered so much trauma I had kids I always treated them as adults when they were younger because I wanted them to be grown up before they were but I think it was because I was so lonely as a child but they all have there own lives now I don't expect them to do anything for me and have always told them I'm here if you need me
I was made to feel it was my fault. They cry they mope they become extremely depressed. I cannot keep taking care of them. They threaten they guilt trip. In particular my Mom. I am so tired of solving their problems.
I always have mixed feelings about your videos because they seem to talk about my situation with my parents but sometimes they are the opposite. I am in an enmeshed situation with my parents and I've been my mother's therapist since I learned how to talk. But since I was little, I was very oppositional and I ended up doing most of what they told me to do, but putting up a fight. That labeled me as the difficult child and gave me a huge sense of guilt and shame. So I am very enmeshed with them, but I always tried to separate from that and fight back, which only made me end up with health problems, no money, anxiety issues and depending economically on them. I am also half deaf now, what makes things even more difficult. So I was really parentified and enmeshed by my needy parents? They provided with everything but emotional support. How can I improve my situation if I cannot even have a job and I am completely broken inside?
I actually worked this out for myself. I still working on it some things are harder so you can do it people !! I have always even when I was a kid I would tell my mom well I not you I’m me and I’m raising my daughter to know it’s ok if she doesn’t like things I like or want to be her own person she not my right arm .!! But some things I wouldn’t like if she wanted to move to England, Scotland or Spain too far away for me. If I couldn’t see her I don’t think I would really be happy with that.
Do you have any videos on the opposite occurring? My daughter is 21 and she emotionally dumps everything on me . She also doesn’t drive ( she has anxiety and bipolar ) . She’ll leave me alone and let me live my life until she fights with her boyfriend . Then suddenly I’m expected to stop all my plans and routines to be her emotional support human. I’m sick and tired of it . She still lives with me . She gets very upset and makes me text her boyfriend from her phone because “ you always have the right words” and of course being that I’m 39 the boy comes around again and doesn’t dump her and gives her another chance . I’m afraid to not be with her during these times because she starts hinting at being in a dark place and she just needs someone and starts crying and shouting if I won’t lay in the bed with her and watch the Barbie movie with her while she cries about her fight or breakup. If I leave she starts shouting and crying and causes a lot of friction between me and my live in boyfriend saying “ ever since he moves back in you never spend time with me anymore like old times “ she’s talking about when she was 15 and we would go to the dollar store and grab a bunch of candy and watch movies together🙄. I’m sick of her. I’m sick of her face. I’m sick of her voice. I’m sick of her smell( she smells like a bag of marajuana and coconut hair gel ). Im finding myself more and more depressed during the times she’s spiraling becaue that means I must spiral too. That means I can’t go to Zumba , I can’t play my video games, I can’t go for walks , I can’t cook and meal prep unless she’s involved somehow because the girl doesn’t know how the heck to handle her own challenges , her own obstacles, her own relationships with out my hand up her butt making her a sock puppet . Im really torn over this and I don’t know if maybe when she was little I caused this by being so close with her then she met boys and friends and I moved on during these 4-5 years that she ignored me and that was okay. Now she has no friends. Doesn’t know how to drive . Is in a toxic relationship . And expects me to drop my life for hers. I did my job . I know parenting doesn’t end at 18 or 21 or ever but the dynamics naturally should change . I shouldn’t be physically, emotionally and financially responsible anymore but I’m all 3 . Yes , I still walk and sit beside her at the dentist office becaue she’s scared . The assistance are sometimes younger than her and it’s just altogether embarrassing and I hate my life more and more because she won’t launch . At least emotionally launch would be great. Thank you for listening
K. Please send your address. You can take care of my dementia ridden Mom. I was told I don't deserve or need help. Lost my marriage and was blamed for everything. So, again...send me your address. Let me know when to plan funeral arrangements. She won't remember me in the end anyway right? Thanks.
I would love to hear THE OPPOSITE SIDE of this situation. When you provided a "fairytale" childhood, THEY SAY TO THEIR THERAPIST, but they have almost zero up to zero depending on which child, concern, nor feel a lick of responsibility to the parent. Boom, all needs were met, great childhood, goodbye. AS an only child of a very alcoholic single mother, who yes, held a little job, but had good reason, from childhood to husbands to be destroyed, destroyed my childhood, like a maniac, after leaving me with nannies, at 6 up kept me apparently as her caregiver and target, although I WAS damaged, at 21 I read maybe 50 or more self help books, got my brain straight, raised 4 kids and a nice narcissist French guy, worked 16 hours a day, had a live in nanny, took my mother in for 13 years until she died, taught kids to work, had a barn yard, horses, 4'H, helped at the fair, gave then lessons, and apparently made them so independent that they feel none of the GUILT or NEED to even know me, let alone help AND WORSE, none of them has ever allowed me to have visits with 13 grandchildren based on WRONG RELIGION, TRUMP CULT, WRONG POLITICS, whatever. 13 grandchildren, 1 dead, so 12 and I was divorced/ alone, had funds to take kids traveling, but I WAS AM SHUNNED. The INJUSTICE is beyond any logic. And THEY FEEL NO GUILT SHAME REMORSE COMPASSION EMPATHY. Hummmm, seems I was too much about them, and of course my mother until her last breath, and other elderly I helped, took in a mental cousin, still taking care of his life, and my children literally can't compliment my music, my poetry, painting, all things I do to NOT BE THE MOTHER YOU DESCRIBE HEREIN, rarely help, very rarely, albeit only one lives near. They just TOOK IT ALL, and when they didn't need me to help for weeks with a new baby, when they didn't need to USE ME OR MY MONEY, poof, they evaporated. Seems to me if a mother puts herself at the bottom of her own totem pole, she sets herself up as a VENDING machine, that is what she is in this very new narcissist sociopath psychopath Anerican Dream. It's Mother's Day yet again! If only I could erase that daddy of the year, maybe it wouldn't hurt so damn bad! I ask for nothing. Apparently "you reap what you sow" is a lie. If you never ask, you'll never get. If you do ask, you're shunned. My only solace is to know I DO have empathy, compassion, etc. I created www.worldwideorphanages.com To match volunteers and donors with orphans and orphanages around the world. I took the advice of my shrink and did what I always wanted to do, travel. 64 countries and counting, even on my last legs. I didn't sit around and remain suicidal. I published THE LAST SNAPSHOT on Amazon, I have a RUclips channel where I post my music videos, I have a cabin, a house at the sea, and I was once financially secure, but what won't ever happen, since ya can't put the genie back in the bottle, I will never be that grandmother who was allowed to have visits or go travelling with a grandchild. In my late 70s, I suspect this upcoming trip WITH A FRIEND, young friend of my youngest son, will be my last big trip. I will just be in my house alone, like today, for all future Mothers Days to come. Certainly. Everything must be my fault somehow. How is it possible that not one of them could have been a decent adult child. They are all successful or able to hold their own. Wish I could conger up some excuse, but there is no excuse for able mind and able body adult children to shun a parent, especially when they claim I created a lovely childhood for them. I can only guess that I did too much, gave too much, lent too much, and asked nothing for myself. RECIPROCITY doesn't seem to be a "thing" in this narcissist sociopath psychopath climate of almost inhuman humans. FOR THOSE MOTHERS WHO ARE ALONE TODAY....I CARE ABOUT YOU AND WISH YOU JOY. I almost started a blog once called Mothers Speak or something like that. I feel we live alone in our undeserved misery. Post a heart for me if you have a similar tale to tell! If I get enough Mothers with tales I promise, if I an still alive, to complete and publish our horror stories. HAPPY HAPPINESS TO ALL LONELY MOTHERS TODAY!❤
God can I relate to so many things you said in this video. I feel such a connection with you. I would love to connect with you in person one day if that’s ever some thing that can happen. We have a lot in common 🫶🏻 Thank you so much for these incredibly helpful and informative videos that you’re helping millions of people with.
Here’s another causation for enmeshment that often isn’t recognized, poverty. Poverty was the causation for me. 🙏🏾
Agreed. I remember having to skip school to help my mom out at her jobs, sometimes even biking across town to get there with her. Many times we did have to work as one unit just to have a roof over our head. But as an adult now, it breaks my heart that that's the version of our relationship they chose to cling onto instead of discovering or building an even better one with us now.
Biiiiig time 😮💨😞
Same here but we can’t let that stop us if at all possible. Nothing is guaranteed in life.
Oh my gosh. The part about the obligatory phone call to the parents describe something I have dealt with for years. It’s just awful. Especially because all my narcissistic mother does is complain and try to get me to come down in her hole and wallow with her. It is so exhausting. I’ve finally gotten away from that. And of course she is so angry when I don’t call her.
I'm sorry you're going through that. It sucks but is it weird to feel good that I'm not the only one going through this? You've literally described what I've been going through for ever. I pray that you heal and are happy xoxo
My mother has passed on and there is a relief in that. I know she is with The Lord, but I am still dealing with giving myself permission to live my own life w/o feeling guilty. I now understand I was so programmed to be overly concerned & overly responsible for everyone else that I did not even know what I was feeling or thinking. No child should be responsible for a parent. My mother was parentified with helping her parents financially and yet she got married even though my Pop Pop said to her, "I'll have to sell my car now." When she announced her engagement which I don't understand. Perhaps my mom was helping her dad, our Pop Pop, pay for his car or household expenses so he could afford his car? My dad took care of the whole wedding so not sure why our Pop Pop made that comment to her. Definitely a guilt message! It is generational. My mother always said things to make us kids, me & my siblings, feel guilty. Like holding her heart when stressed out, "saying you kids will be the death of me yet!!??" Can you imagine or worse, call us a stream of vulgarities, "you no good...blankety-blank
with NO apology, ever!! Like she had amnesia that she said any of it. And of course, we were to afraid to ever confront her for fear of something worse come upon us kids.
I think TAPPING on these mom, FOO, issues will help me A LOT!
Compulsive caretaker. Yep, that was me. I was programmed to do this and the messages at church reinforced these beliefs!!
Now I'm an adult I'm STILL being told I'm not one in certain cases. The guilt, shame and confusion is indescribable. Boundaries I understand, in practice feel painful. How to get through it: it's parentification as a child and infantilisation as an adult. It explains a lot of why I boomerang between own space and childhood home.
I can really relate to this, thank you
Wow, you worded that so consisely, thank you. "Parentification as a child and infantilisation as an adult."
I feel this deep in my soul. My mother did this too. And she wonders why I grey rock her.
If your parents are like mine, they will say anything to make themselves feel justified in treating you poorly. Just the other day one of mine started name calling for fixing things he couldn't and accused me of having no mechanical knowledge. I have a degree and work experience far beyond anything he has ever done 🤷♂️ the only thing I can't fix is my parents
@@pyramidion5911 See, he is projecting onto you his own failings and rejected aspects of himself. This way he doesn't have to reject himself, instead, you become the surrogate for his self-loathing, envy and hate. My mother resents me because I had my school debt forgiven and wiped, instead of being happy for me, she acted like a petulant child tearing me down because I got lucky, and she had to file bankruptcy and quit college to never return. I plan on returning to finish my senior year working on my B.A. in Psychology once my current situation calms down and gets sorted. She couldn't even look me in the eye when she claimed, "Psychology is just a pseudo-science" She knows this is not true because if she really felt that way, she wouldn't have forced me into therapy multiple times growing up. It's pathetic that they get envious/jealous of us for doing better than they did. I was the only one who clawed my way out of my family's house, took 5 times before I got it to stick. It'll be a cold day in hell before I ever stoop to crawl back to my parents. I'll be homeless before that happens.
"You've been wired to hold all of the guilt." Thank you for understanding us and helping us to heal!
I used to spend hours per day talking with my mother on the phone, and I’ve come to realize that she used that to bribe me into taking care of my siblings for her, who migrated to another country. It got sour when one of my siblings had a baby and i was adamant that I’m not going to spend my young adult life doing this parenting of her children… and now grand children all over again. At age 30 now, I only call her like once every 2 weeks and I’ve put up more boundaries with her and her children. I love them but I can’t give up my life for them anymore.
Thanks for your validating videos, Dr. Kim.
I am confused. My mom tells me to “live my life.” But whenever I do, she has a problem with it. She claims she wants me to be independent but she enables me NOT to be. I can tell her over and over again to not do things for me, but she will still do it. I feel trapped. I am afraid to live my life because I know if I make my own decisions, I will get a ton of criticism and judgment.
I hear that, it's so confusing. It's like bruh wtf do you want from me? One minute mine will be happy and chilled out then after a slight inconvenience or a minor stress she will basically shut down and will just lie there on the sofa for days, just thinking and over analysing things. I'm just happy I found this playlist, it nails many things that I have noticed but never put together properly.
It's difficult to recognize enmeshment, I've been through happy/stable periods where I told myself that I'm making it up etc, basically just coping. But now I'm never going back to that mindset, I want out desperately.
Dealing with this EXACT thing!
@@banditmain6401wow you hit it right on point!!!! I’m Dealing with this! I’m sorry you’re also dealing with this too 😢
@@kellyevans9801I still deal with it, just remember to focus on your own life and don't get bogged down by their emotional back and forth nonsense. They will take up all the time and energy you need to move ahead in life, if you let them.
It sounds like she's trying to enmesh you, violating your boundaries and taking away your autonomy to live your own life as you see fit. She's trying to maintain control over you by infantizing you, enabling you so she takes over control of your own chores and whatnot. Making you feel like you're 5 again and she's still trying to raise you as if you never grew up. This is because she's terrified of not being needed anymore. You need to move out asap and get into therapy so you can work on getting rid of the enmeshment and building up your ability to create firm boundaries that you won't tolerate your mom crossing and follow through on the "negative consequences" i.e. minimizing contact to once a month or something if that. Or completely block her until she can respect your boundaries and wishes. You want to get away from her influence so you can think clearly. This stuff messes with our heads, I'm still working on healing that trauma myself, so I barely talk with my mother because everything always leads to her dragging me into a fight over her belief system I do not share.
"Give yourself permission to say how you really feel." Appreciate this comment!
Yes I appreciate this comment. Gently, honestly say to others how they make you feel ❤
I'm done! I'm so glad! I don't care, I don't feel guilty, it's time to break from my mothers sickness. When my father died I didn't cry, when she dies I won't cry. I don't care, they both robbed me of my childhood. I was the parent, protector, therapist. Bye Mom!🙂
Allllll of this! 100% verbatim my life with my mom. I finally set and maintained the boundary, one of the hardest things I’ve done for two reasons: 1. Because of how intense her push back guilt trips were, I never felt more subjugated! 2. I had that child like anxiety that “oh man my mom is gonna be mad, I cannot disappoint her, I cannot have this boundary”. However, being pregnant for with my second child, and remembering how much I suffered due to the enmeshment during and after my 1st pregnancy has been my anchor to stay strong and enforce my de-enmeshment
It's taken me YEARS to figure out what I'm dealing with and you did it in 25 minutes. Thank you. thank you. Thank you.
I'm so glad I discovered your channel. I appreciate your soothing and pleasant voice; I hear kindness and compassion when I listen to you.
I was my mom's target as the middle of five kids. She made me her confidante, secrets you should never tell your daughter. I was responsible for her happiness, and after i divorced she tried to nail me down to an agreement not to remarry and that she could follow wherever I go.
She managed to manipulate her way into my home and then wanted to buy a house together. She got pretty butt hurt when i said no, but she started getting the message it wasn't working anymore.
Now I just cut her off if she starts in, but it doesn't happen often because she knows I will tell it like it is in front of others. If she ever wants to cut me off, cool.
The other four don't want her either.
My mom never told me I'm not an adult. I was totally groomed to take care of her. My dad was a narcissist or definitely had narcissistic traits. I slept with them for many years. I was named after her mom, so
I thought it made sense to her. I'm an excellent caregiver. I am super in-tuned with my environment. My mom passed away when I was 26. When I moved to LA, she asked me to come back to NY, because she needed me, because the other siblings were not taking proper care of her. I was devastated. I miss her sorely😢I do this now in my life. Constantly involved with narcissists and narcissistic people.
The only way out is through, so it sounds a lot like you may need to learn to identify the red flags so you can nip them in the bud before they get their hooks into you. If your father was a Narcissist, this is going to be the type of person you'll be attracted to, as you noted. We truly do marry those who resemble our parents, sadly.
The phone calls are definitely something 😪 it's like you have to do it in order to keep the peace...
Its so strange how i need video's like this reminding me that i indeed took a adult role on in childhood. Especially as you say ''emotional'' adult role. My mom, sister, stepfather where fighter a lot with eachother, except me. I never joined, stay silent, avoidant, not trying to contribute to their fighting. And sometimes if i remember correctly trying to give advice, hoping to give them insight into their ridiuclousness. And i was the youngest of the family doing that, wich makes it even more crazy.
You think you are a child because ''Well my mom cooks for me and washes my clothes.'' But thats not how it works. I mean when i was 8 yo or something, she already asked me to open the door if a stranger ringed the doorbell. That then become my responsibility, even tho it made me anxious to having to do it. I think the mindf*ck is that my mother rewarded me by being the parent. She would indeed literally say something like ''Oh you are such an old soul''. Or that i'm so smart and wise for my age. I think i still don't get how toxic she actually is.. i don't know.
Its as if felt like that ''rewarding'' behaviour of her and confused that with ''connection''. Her emeshment feels like ''intimacy'', but its not. And i had no friends or other connection with other people. So almost the ONLY source of emotional connection and intimacy, was with a borderline mother who did not allow me to be a child. And next to that i have autism. Makes sense how i feel like i'm nobody and have no identity.
Your videos are very hard for me to watch because they hit my heart. I almost disassociate while watching. But that tells me I need to stay the course. Thank you for posting your videos. After $$$$ and many years, you have hit the nail on the head that other therapists have not been able to express to me.
This person is being groomed to be a rescuer, a scapegoat, and a substitute parent. The real parent is immature and needy.
🎯
Thank you Dr. Sage! So many questions and unknowns were answered for me in your video! At 18 I went on an extended stay in Florida to see my brother and made friends with my brother and sister in law. Went home to get my things and go back to live. My parents forbid it. I was too scared to argue with them so I gave up that dream. Five months later I moved in with my boyfriend. They disowned me! They never told their friends where I really was. My mother had Borderline and my father was rageful. Thus began the adult phase of the enmeshment.
I lived my life. They disowned me. When I was a teenager, my mother gave me the silent treatment for weeks at a time. Until I was completely lost in guilt and anxiety.
Omg! Thank you! I feel validated and relieved. Every psychiatrist/ psychologist I’ve gone through I’ve used the word Enmeshment. Not one, not ONE has explained it to me like this.
I’ve waisted tons of money, time, and thought I was crazy.
Thank you so much!!!
Yes, I agree that having the language is so important.
It's a life changing word!!!! I bless your healing journey! 🤝
Same here! After 5 years on therapy no one explained it!
As the mom of a family who honestly loves her children but inadvertently helped create an enmeshed family system, I’m sad and regretful. I wish I could go back and redo things but I wouldn’t know how. I want to do better now with my grown children. Is it ever too late? And how can I begin to create a safe space for my family when we come together?
It’s so helpful to hear you talk about enmeshment. Since it’s crazy making (acting as an adult, then being made like a child again), it’s validating to hear that it’s not only in my head.
When I went to college, my mom made me promise to call her every single day, which I actually did for 4 years but I was highly resentful the entire time. I even communicated to her that I did not want to do this repeatedly. She would always tell me it's just a small ask of me and it's because she cares and wants to know I'm okay. Now I am married and have moved out. She'll ask for a phone call once a week. It's only once a week but I feel like I'm getting flashbacks to the college phone calls.
Thank you Dr Sage🙏🏻The video is a great summary of Enmeshment and the enormous challenge to separate out from those relationships.
I came from an enmeshed family system. Both my patents have passed away and it was not until this happened that I could really feel safe enough to see the full extent of my own trauma from the enmeshment.
I am still working through all the growth phases.
I find that coping with other people's reaction of displeasure to a boundary is the hardest.
My reaction to their displeasure is so embodied.
Like it is triggering that inner child who realised that if I don't please or merge, I will not survive.
It is the inner child lost in the distant past but the Amygdala is firing and telling my body I am in danger right now.
As you say, PolyVagal work and being mindful is helpful in the moment when you just want to protect and calm that inner child to feel safe again by following the old wiring of merging and pleasing.
It takes time and patience and constant self compassion for this work of healing.
Your videos are a great companion for this.
Many thanks 🙏🏻
😊
We are all, everyone of us, wounded children. Just on varying degrees.
Finding the way back to loving and accepting self takes so much work.
We owe it to ourselves though to do it.
Feel horribly responsible and like I have to give up so much for my mom. I know exactly how it would be without her. Free! If there was no guilt. The guilt is all that keeps me hear. I would be fine without her other than not being able to live with myself.
Yes, this is so helpful! Thank you for clarifying what enmeshment is which is still sometimes confusing for me! The thought of repercussions by even cutting phone conversations short strikes fear in my heart. It's a good point that learning how to tolerate the guilt and the displeasure coming your way when you set boundaries is key, because we all know it's coming.
My female partner (32) is enmeshed w her mom. I know and see her texting her over and over every single day and up until they say goodnight. And she does this choosingly and I have brought it up as abnormal and she'd get angry in defense of that dynamic. Plus she drives an hour away to see them every week and her mother doesnt have a license and my partner drives her around for errands as if she is somehow obligated to. But she does that so willingly even though she is enabling her mom's bad and odd behavior. My partner acts like what she is doing is totally normally, but I feel she hasn't had a chance to develop a sense of self.
They really sacrifice your child hood for their life.
Yeah me too. Since my parents marriage went sour and mom & I moved out when I was 16. Its like she owns me, and gets a say in all my choices. Gotta see that documentary. Brook's book on postpartum was a big help.
How I really feel? I don't like my mom, and I resent the pressures she's placed on me, and the manipulation she has silently worked on me for her own gain, her own selfish needs, and then turned around and called me selfish. I don't like her as a person.
I used to think I could or would never separate from my mother. She was my best friend and that nothing could ever separate us, but her husband managed to do it, pry the two of us apart. And when my dad died, my entire thinking turned on its head. Mom was surprised too cuz she never thought anything could damage our relationship. I used to talk to her every day and shared almost everything with her, and now I am at the cusp of going virtually non-contact. I'm not going to send her a birthday card for the first time ever. That will show her that I am serious about this particular boundary. That she has indeed done something wrong. And I think she subconsciously did this because she wanted to break free. I think our relationship has put strain on both of us. I know I used her, knowing she could never say no to me. I forced her to be BFFs with me. She was my easy ticket, but she used it as a get in free card, a backstage pass behind my boundaries. And now she's done the one thing I can never forgive.
My narc mom had almost zero enmeshment - I was always an enemy. I'm not sure what type is better.
Yes. Open disdain & indifference. A level of cruelty even. There's no boundaries. Because they don't care.
Not sure too, however it is much easier for you to go no contact and openly despise them. For us , whose parents loved them sometimes conditionally, only if they did things they liked, they wanted, never asking child or caring, its very hard to understand what to feel. Did they even love them? Or they were used to fulfil their dreams? Very very hard
Wow, I did not know this was a thing and had a name. I just thought it was something that happened to me.
Thank you dr Sage🌸 This enmeshment can go on until one of two die. I knew of three women in their 50s, emotionally hijacked by their narcissistic/borderline mothers their entire life. They never had a chance to separate and individuate, have their own life, children. Those mothers create crazy making situations, and require all focus on tending to their needs. Sadly, once I knew what this grip was, I removed myself from their stories. Do not wish to be part of the triangulation game. Wish you well in all you do🍀 🌸💜🌟💎
Hard to describe isn't it, as to being wired. In my thirties just years before she passed, told me this but, in just so many words .... Thank-you for your comment 💐🌸🌿🌹🌺🌾
Thank you for once again, for validating and giving me language for what has been indescribable and dismissed experiences with profound, lifelong consequences. Thank you For tools, compassion and encouragement ❤
Thank you Dr. Sage. I had all this, and then my Enmeshed/narcissistic mother told me I was adopted at 12(only to head off an older jealous sibling who hated me was going to) but said this is our secret, and no one must ever know(as she was crying). Needless to say Thats when I snapped,basically dissociated. Started having anxiety and panic attacks, etc...Ive never let myself have real happiness or be successful(sabotage when it gets good)since then. My thought process at the time was, "If Im happy, my mom will die". I think also, it was "if I accept this reality then my whole world will crumble, or if I accept the truth then it will hurt mom". So I had to shove down the whole truth of who I was. I guess, Im writing this, because I would love if you could touch on the subject of adoption and the narcissistic/enmeshed mother if you could. I know I have CPTSD from this and more, and keep peeling layers away it seems everyday. Thank you again for your important work.
Off topic here (sorry) but u so resemble Jessica Lange . 👍😀😃
Love all your videos! Very calming and informative. I would love it if you would make a video series about how to handle borderline or narcissistic parents who are disabled and/or elderly. I feel like being a caretaker for a parent who is like this adds another confusing layer. I can't find many videos on how to handle bpd or npd, difficult parents when you're in a caregiving role. I feel like it's harder to have boundaries. My mom is severely disabled and demands that us, her family, do everything to take care of her, even though we are struggling so much. She needs much greater care than we can give her. But she doesn't care how hard it is on us. She says basically it's our duty to take care of her, but her definition of us taking care of her is very narrow. It's killing our family.
😢 same here
Same with me
Can you do a video about father/daughter enmeshment? This is very common with disordered fathers using eldest daughters as surrogate wife & mother. Particularly after divorce when daughter is groomed to hate her mother as father does. So much shame, guilt & loss.
Wow so well put.I felt this in my core how you said this perfect idk om amazed!Im Takeing steps to Stop this cycle with my parents its so intense but its worth it.holy moly the most validation ever !! This is how I feel! I've never heard it put like this..thank you with everything in me.I feel so seen felt like you were talking to me
I was always very enmeshed with my mum. I have a disorganized attachment style and am currently trying to heal. My parents had a toxic relationship with infidelity and fighting but stayed together. My dad has always been very emotionally immature/emotionally unavailable. I remember when i was little maybe 6, he came into my room before bed and told me mum doesnt love him anymore. He would drive is to school and rag on her the whole way when they still lived together. I finally live without either of them but sometimes i feel like id be relieved when they die so i never have to listen to either of them again about their shitty relationship.
Go full no contact. Admit verbally that you wish they were [redacted]. Begin to individuate and heal.
I can't tell you how much it makes my day to have your videos pop through so often Dr Sage! ❤ I just love your passion and authenticity. This series reaonates so much. The sad realisation for me is that over 2 decades after my dads death, I'm still living out the patterns and his imagined responses from above. I love the tips towards goals, I need to let go of being the agreeable, considerate caretaker and learning to be ok when people aren't happy with me or my own choices. I'm so concious of not passing this on to my teens.🙏
Just listening to your honesty in describing the symptons and causes of enmeshment is healing in itself.
l was lucky in that my mother was really loving and caring and brought me up as her child and really enjoyed her role as a mother
However, she came trom a large family and one particular sister was very jealous and damaged and tried to guilt trip and enmesh my mother.
Just to point out that enmeshment can come from other family members
I think you are doing a great job in helping people change qnd grow. Very diwn to earth Keep up the good work Dr Sage.
❤
Dr. Sage - I'll admit that I had my doubts when I happened upon this video.
But it is excellent!
In language that is easy to understand, you explain enmeshment so that it is clear.
You come across as an approachable, humble person.
And you give realistic advice on how to heal from the trauma.
Well done Kim!!
My mom was just neglectful and still is, like I don’t exist
She let her dad verbally abuse me since I was 5 until he died and then trained my older son to hate me. Now she has left me in an apartment after I left an abusive exremely abusive relationship and have nothing and she enables my older son and he is going down a bath path he lives with her and acts like he hate me: I raised ky 2 boys all on my own/ worked and went to college. I’ve been my moms parent. I have no support and she doesn’t care if my son beats me she rewards him
My case isn't as intense as a lot of others seem to be, but I definitely recognize some signs of that in my mom. She's one of the most important people in my life and she's a lovely person. But I am realizing she has a fairly anxious attachment style. She's expressed multiple times that I'm her best friend and she thinks about me and worries about me all the time. She does call me nearly every day (and I always feel guilty ending the conversation). Every time I came back from some kind of overnight school trip, I could feel this intense relief from her and a desperation for my presence. I felt so deeply ashamed for following my own goals and moving out for college. I kept having to remind myself that I'm not "making her" feel bad and being selfish. She's pretty good about not giving me too hard of a time when I make decisions for myself, but I still just *feel* the pressure from her
Thanks you Dr, Sage. I just understand this. It's the most suffering I still go through after go no contact with my family. I've never really understand this. When you talk about this and I watch Pretty Baby with Brooke interviews I gotbit now
this was validating in so many new and interesting ways!!! Thank you so much
6:43 yes, it's very damaging
This happens a lot in families in NYC in my community where resources are scarce, immediate and often extended family have to share cramped space. It's hard to self-differentiate and very mentally taxing.
I was infantilised and treated as I was useless.
I had no energy to build a life outside the family, and so...I was not allowed to help but always felt guilty about that. I know understand that it was very controlling, because in general I am happy to help and very curious.
Now I live in another country. My mother's caregivers are my father and brother, and soon they will have to get help from a professional.
I suffer with depression and general anxiety...I was thinking about going and visiting my mom, staying for a month ( doing
Home office) . I don't think it's a good idea ...I would have no role, I would feel useless ... just triggers. I will visit her in a couple of months...
Wow. I’m in a relationship with someone who has this across the board in his relationships - aunt, daughter, work and I just found out a past partner who he seems to have strong feelings of obligation to and that has thrown me. And unknowingly a few weeks ago - I pointed out he’s got to care for himself and he was defensive about how he and why he cares for them. Thank you for what you do- there is so much to this and your passion to provide knowledge and support is invaluable. And of course the compassion is moving. It breaks my heart to know what so many people have been through. I said the other day - Unreal yet Real. 🙏❤️
Your talking my language yeah!
I could us a therapist like yourself. I have been emotionally enmeshed, then was in a ten year relationship with a narcissist. I am currently living with a narcissist, and this individual is spinning the story to blame me. I already grew from this behavior. What you said above about we tend to do what we learned from them, that's how I know. I realized at the end of that 10 year abusive relationship that I was starting to act like my mother and the not good side of my then girlfriend. The same thing happened with this roommate. I allowed there behavior to gaslight me, but instantly knew I should talk it out, figure out why I was angry with him, and move on. My boyfriend does not believe me, even though my godmother who is a licensed therapist is telling him the same things I am. I recognize it because I've lived this abuse, and I've exhibed these same behaviors until I learned it was wrong. A good therapist is all I'm looking for. If not you specifically, a reaurce/recommendation for a personal therapist would be great. If you read through all of this much love and thanks! ❤
There are no words. 💔
Thank you for this life changing video!! 🧡🍁🧡
Happy peaceful and healthy Chrismas for you and your family Dr SAGE❤❤❤❤ thank youuuu for saving our minds!! ❤❤
My mom wanted to play as the dependent/child, lean on me like her closest friend, closer than her husband (my father) who she would run to complain about to me but would happily wield her authority when she felt like it. If I gave advice on resolving conflict I was told I didn't understand and was just a kid... Funny how I wasn't just a kid when she needed a free therapist and comfort.
I remember this. I remember my #1 fear being my parents dying-as a married adult. I would dream of my mom dying and the whole day after I woke up would be completely hijacked by it.
OMG you are really empowering me. I spent the entire day listening to you. How to get in touch with you?
❤❤❤
You are helping so much
Thank you, Dr. Kim
This is very good insightful information. So right in our current family situation I'm the mom needing to do this work and my kids are 11 and 16. I can see some of these cycles mentioned here running in our family/ their family of origin that have come from my experience as a child. So I'm questioning how the move forward in our situation. Do I do the work suggested here on identity development and present this to them maybe as preventative care to do the same work. Or is this geared more to adult children. I would rather get to it now when it's not so established as it would for them when they are adults. More preventative care measures for them. Thank you for this vital information not only for me and my family but for my clients as well. I'm a therapist. Thank you again ❤
Hey, i like your videos. Can you talk about maladaptive daydreaming?
Yes this!
Dealing with this now don’t now how to get out of this without feeling guilty
Thank you thank you .. wonderful video
Ahh. This explains so much of my experience. Thank you for such a good explanation.
Thank you, this is my struggle right now in both ways … I am listening and thank you for your help 💕🌷🌷🌷
The Pandora Box has been opened and there is no way back.
I identify with that statement. That was how I felt once I realized just how bad it really was. Emotions came out of me like water out of a fire hose.
I'm just called crazy
Thank you so much, your content is so well explained. You seem to be a very kind person.
Thank you Ma'am. ❤️🌼
I'm just amazed how much this resonated with my situation. 😮
Thanks for the instructive words about enmeshment. Now I sit and wonder about a question: How is the fawn response related - or not - to enmeshment?
My bf is enmeshed with his aged mom & dad. She is extremely protective of him. She inteterferes in our relationship so much. I have had to step back from both of them. They have realized it is too much. She is 92 yrs old and has a lot of PTSD and talks about it incessantly. She tires me. I am trying to continue with my bf. It is very complicated....
I'm so grateful to and for you Dr. Sage 💜💜💜 thank you
Great listening, here! I understand so much “More.” It’s apparent that you have alot of professional experience..& Much life experience w/Your own Mom & Your child/children..🏅
It outlined what happened. Thanks.
Thank you, so helpful ❤
Omg I didn't realise that I had this until watching your video my so called mother got me to sleep in her bed with my younger sister and she had some sort of hold over me she hated me when I was younger I latter worked out she wasn't my real mother I have cptsd neglected as a child and suffered so much trauma I had kids I always treated them as adults when they were younger because I wanted them to be grown up before they were but I think it was because I was so lonely as a child but they all have there own lives now I don't expect them to do anything for me and have always told them I'm here if you need me
Should we share with our parents how we feel? Or let them know why we placing new boundaries?
I don't know what to do, how to separate from my mum. I haven't moved out yet from her house. And I desperately want to.
Thank you
I like the Seinfeld music at the end
I was made to feel it was my fault. They cry they mope they become extremely depressed. I cannot keep taking care of them. They threaten they guilt trip. In particular my Mom. I am so tired of solving their problems.
Hi, I’m in South Carolina. Are you taking new patients?? I’m super interested. I could use some help with this very issue.
I don't think I'm crazy I'm misunderstood even by my own self
I can not believe how infantile some parents can act
I always have mixed feelings about your videos because they seem to talk about my situation with my parents but sometimes they are the opposite.
I am in an enmeshed situation with my parents and I've been my mother's therapist since I learned how to talk.
But since I was little, I was very oppositional and I ended up doing most of what they told me to do, but putting up a fight.
That labeled me as the difficult child and gave me a huge sense of guilt and shame.
So I am very enmeshed with them, but I always tried to separate from that and fight back, which only made me end up with health problems, no money, anxiety issues and depending economically on them.
I am also half deaf now, what makes things even more difficult.
So I was really parentified and enmeshed by my needy parents?
They provided with everything but emotional support.
How can I improve my situation if I cannot even have a job and I am completely broken inside?
I actually worked this out for myself. I still working on it some things are harder so you can do it people !! I have always even when I was a kid I would tell my mom well I not you I’m me and I’m raising my daughter to know it’s ok if she doesn’t like things I like or want to be her own person she not my right arm .!! But some things I wouldn’t like if she wanted to move to England, Scotland or Spain too far away for me. If I couldn’t see her I don’t think I would really be happy with that.
But I can't make happy to all of them, you can say no one make sure that
Brooke didn't have a dad
❤❤❤❤.
Please make to long story to short now
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🍃💜🌷💜🍃
I had permanent HPA axis dysregulation until finally getting diagnosed at 40. Then my asshole abusive family call me retarded. I hate this world
your not retarded you sound nice. take it easy there's good people in the world i hope life gets better for you.
@@umm2656 I know they have autism and think a Goddamned genius is stupid. It’s hurtful y know. Well there’re sex slaves now. Fuxk em. I won
I feel so sick
Do you have any videos on the opposite occurring? My daughter is 21 and she emotionally dumps everything on me . She also doesn’t drive ( she has anxiety and bipolar ) . She’ll leave me alone and let me live my life until she fights with her boyfriend . Then suddenly I’m expected to stop all my plans and routines to be her emotional support human. I’m sick and tired of it . She still lives with me . She gets very upset and makes me text her boyfriend from her phone because “ you always have the right words” and of course being that I’m 39 the boy comes around again and doesn’t dump her and gives her another chance . I’m afraid to not be with her during these times because she starts hinting at being in a dark place and she just needs someone and starts crying and shouting if I won’t lay in the bed with her and watch the Barbie movie with her while she cries about her fight or breakup. If I leave she starts shouting and crying and causes a lot of friction between me and my live in boyfriend saying “ ever since he moves back in you never spend time with me anymore like old times “ she’s talking about when she was 15 and we would go to the dollar store and grab a bunch of candy and watch movies together🙄. I’m sick of her. I’m sick of her face. I’m sick of her voice. I’m sick of her smell( she smells like a bag of marajuana and coconut hair gel ). Im finding myself more and more depressed during the times she’s spiraling becaue that means I must spiral too. That means I can’t go to Zumba , I can’t play my video games, I can’t go for walks , I can’t cook and meal prep unless she’s involved somehow because the girl doesn’t know how the heck to handle her own challenges , her own obstacles, her own relationships with out my hand up her butt making her a sock puppet . Im really torn over this and I don’t know if maybe when she was little I caused this by being so close with her then she met boys and friends and I moved on during these 4-5 years that she ignored me and that was okay. Now she has no friends. Doesn’t know how to drive . Is in a toxic relationship . And expects me to drop my life for hers. I did my job . I know parenting doesn’t end at 18 or 21 or ever but the dynamics naturally should change . I shouldn’t be physically, emotionally and financially responsible anymore but I’m all 3 . Yes , I still walk and sit beside her at the dentist office becaue she’s scared . The assistance are sometimes younger than her and it’s just altogether embarrassing and I hate my life more and more because she won’t launch . At least emotionally launch would be great. Thank you for listening
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K. Please send your address. You can take care of my dementia ridden Mom. I was told I don't deserve or need help. Lost my marriage and was blamed for everything. So, again...send me your address. Let me know when to plan funeral arrangements. She won't remember me in the end anyway right? Thanks.
If ya still co sleep with ya mam at 19 something weird
I would love to hear THE OPPOSITE SIDE of this situation. When you provided a "fairytale" childhood, THEY SAY TO THEIR THERAPIST, but they have almost zero up to zero depending on which child, concern, nor feel a lick of responsibility to the parent. Boom, all needs were met, great childhood, goodbye. AS an only child of a very alcoholic single mother, who yes, held a little job, but had good reason, from childhood to husbands to be destroyed, destroyed my childhood, like a maniac, after leaving me with nannies, at 6 up kept me apparently as her caregiver and target, although I WAS damaged, at 21 I read maybe 50 or more self help books, got my brain straight, raised 4 kids and a nice narcissist French guy, worked 16 hours a day, had a live in nanny, took my mother in for 13 years until she died, taught kids to work, had a barn yard, horses, 4'H, helped at the fair, gave then lessons, and apparently made them so independent that they feel none of the GUILT or NEED to even know me, let alone help AND WORSE, none of them has ever allowed me to have visits with 13 grandchildren based on WRONG RELIGION, TRUMP CULT, WRONG POLITICS, whatever. 13 grandchildren, 1 dead, so 12 and I was divorced/ alone, had funds to take kids traveling, but I WAS AM SHUNNED. The INJUSTICE is beyond any logic. And THEY FEEL NO GUILT SHAME REMORSE COMPASSION EMPATHY. Hummmm, seems I was too much about them, and of course my mother until her last breath, and other elderly I helped, took in a mental cousin, still taking care of his life, and my children literally can't compliment my music, my poetry, painting, all things I do to NOT BE THE MOTHER YOU DESCRIBE HEREIN, rarely help, very rarely, albeit only one lives near. They just TOOK IT ALL, and when they didn't need me to help for weeks with a new baby, when they didn't need to USE ME OR MY MONEY, poof, they evaporated. Seems to me if a mother puts herself at the bottom of her own totem pole, she sets herself up as a VENDING machine, that is what she is in this very new narcissist sociopath psychopath Anerican Dream. It's Mother's Day yet again! If only I could erase that daddy of the year, maybe it wouldn't hurt so damn bad! I ask for nothing. Apparently "you reap what you sow" is a lie. If you never ask, you'll never get. If you do ask, you're shunned. My only solace is to know I DO have empathy, compassion, etc. I created www.worldwideorphanages.com
To match volunteers and donors with orphans and orphanages around the world. I took the advice of my shrink and did what I always wanted to do, travel. 64 countries and counting, even on my last legs. I didn't sit around and remain suicidal. I published THE LAST SNAPSHOT on Amazon, I have a RUclips channel where I post my music videos, I have a cabin, a house at the sea, and I was once financially secure, but what won't ever happen, since ya can't put the genie back in the bottle, I will never be that grandmother who was allowed to have visits or go travelling with a grandchild. In my late 70s, I suspect this upcoming trip WITH A FRIEND, young friend of my youngest son, will be my last big trip. I will just be in my house alone, like today, for all future Mothers Days to come. Certainly. Everything must be my fault somehow. How is it possible that not one of them could have been a decent adult child. They are all successful or able to hold their own. Wish I could conger up some excuse, but there is no excuse for able mind and able body adult children to shun a parent, especially when they claim I created a lovely childhood for them. I can only guess that I did too much, gave too much, lent too much, and asked nothing for myself. RECIPROCITY doesn't seem to be a "thing" in this narcissist sociopath psychopath climate of almost inhuman humans. FOR THOSE MOTHERS WHO ARE ALONE TODAY....I CARE ABOUT YOU AND WISH YOU JOY. I almost started a blog once called Mothers Speak or something like that. I feel we live alone in our undeserved misery. Post a heart for me if you have a similar tale to tell! If I get enough Mothers with tales I promise, if I an still alive, to complete and publish our horror stories. HAPPY HAPPINESS TO ALL LONELY MOTHERS TODAY!❤
You sound like a narcissist
Exhausting and me me me. I think I see a few pieces of the puzzle. 👀🃏
God can I relate to so many things you said in this video. I feel such a connection with you. I would love to connect with you in person one day if that’s ever some thing that can happen. We have a lot in common 🫶🏻 Thank you so much for these incredibly helpful and informative videos that you’re helping millions of people with.