And once trust is violated ... Finding a thank you note from his coworker in his coat pocket, a single mom who he used to pursue years ago, struggling to make ends meet and thanking him for his giving her a gift if money to help pay her bill for something... Confronting him about this and he gets mad at _you_ for being stingy and selfish. He hadn't been sharing with you about her situation...or even that she still worked where he saw her every day. He never shared that he felt a kind heart to want to help her out or ask you your thoughts if if he should or shouldn't use your mutual money to give away like this. He eventually apologizes but never lets you talk it out over time.... Instead he remains irritated that the event still bothers you. He doesn't acknowledge the trust that is now missing and needs to be restored before you could ever be 100% emotionally present for sexual intimacy... And he is primarily irritated that you are "frigid" rather than addressing the deep emotional violation wayyyy not even close to being resolved for you. It takes a lot of sincere work to "prove" your trustworthiness to a potential mate/life partner...which men are initially enthusiastic about doing to "win" her over. It takes a bit of ongoing work to maintain the veracity if that trust and have it continue over the lifetime of the couple and to grow unimaginably, even stronger. But it takes TREMENDOUS painstaking exponentially more consistency of absolutely not making the slightest misstep, while reinvesting quintuple the amount courtship "proving" of trustworthiness, to hopefully regain the security of trust that was lost. She can forgive you. She can 'go through the motions' for his superficial satisfaction... But until trust is restored she is not 100% "there" ...she can't be. He damaged her ability to be.
Storytime: I’m currently sick in bed, and I expressed to my partner how I feel like our bedroom environment is not helping me get well. My partner prefers to sleep in a cold room with the AC on or windows open, and always with the ceiling fan on. Usually it doesn’t bother me unless I’m sick. I expressed to my partner that I felt like the AC and ceiling fan were pushing dry, cold air down my throat and the open window was aggravating my allergies. This wonderful person closed the windows, turned off the fans, and shut off the AC for me. Then they washed our humidifier and filled it with distilled water for me, tucked me into bed with all my favorite pillows, and left a big bottle of water on my nightstand. 100% I would have jumped their bones if I wasn’t so sick! 😂 The level of care and thoughtfulness, attention to detail, and going above and beyond without my asking, even in little ways, is what does it for me. 😉 Edit: Wow, thank you so much to the many people who liked and responded to my comment! I’m so touched by the sweet comments about my partner. My heart goes out to those who expressed frustration toward their own partner for not showing care or consideration when the other is struggling physically or emotionally. My partner and I both came from previous relationships where each of us weren’t treated as we should have been, so we both have very clear ideas of what we want and don’t want in a relationship. As a result, we have had a lot of conversations about communicating with each other. Our policy as a couple is to say what we want outright; mind-reading is our enemy. My partner doesn’t pick up on nonverbal cues very well, so talking with one another about our needs and wants in a clear and loving manner is important in our communication. We also don’t downplay each other’s feelings, and we take each other seriously. To those who questioned the gender of my partner, yes, I generally prefer to keep things ambiguous. I personally feel that it doesn’t matter. However, it may surprise some of you to know that my partner is a straight cis man, and we are in a heterosexual relationship. I share this so you can understand that there are men out there who are loving and considerate, who would go out of their way to care for and dote on their sick partner without being told precisely what to do. My own father would do the same for my mother, and would involve my sibling and me in caring for her. This is what people who love each other do. In sickness or in heath, we are teammates. Life is hard enough, so we must take care of the precious few who are good to us.
If it was me in that situation, I would have had to explain to my partner every single step that all of that required, or ask for each individual thing separately, like turning off the fan. Turning off the AC. And forget cleaning, filling, and setting up the humidifier! I’d have to do that myself!! Oh, who am I kidding… I’m not even really permitted to rest when I’m sick (because then who else would cook and clean and take care of the kids?! Not them!) so it’s not anything I’d have to worry about anyway 😅
hfjfnf i WISH my partner would let me not die, but if we have no AC they overheat and we both wake up Soggy, so i go hang out on the futon with all our squishmallows lmao
Because we see sex as the closest of emotional/physical intimacy. We're literally letting you "IN". And while we want it. It winds up feeling shallow & cold. We're giving you what you want, but we're not getting what we need.
Maybe a lot of guys haven’t caught on to this, but there’s a BIG difference between a guy being horny because he’s a guy and guys are horny, and a guy being horny for the woman he loves. In that way, that drive for sex is innately connected to the person that hormones is targeted at. Some women will tell their partners to just go jack off to porn when their horny, but when their that kind of horny, they don’t want to jack off, and they don’t want to go do anything with anyone else, they want to make love to the woman of their dreams, and that’s their partner! That’s why guy’s might take it personally when sex is denied, because they also view it as the most intimate vulnerable way to express love for their partner. It’s like all their positive emotions for you well up inside of them and manifest in a boner. A BONER OF LOVE!!! Of course, their are plenty of toxic and selfish guys, and those traits will manifest in other ways. But, a if you’re with a good man, and he ends up in a state where he’s super horny all the time, it just means he’s in a good place with you, so much so that his whole being is telling him to make babies with you lol. He’s like a puppy! Please be nice to the puppies, and screw the selfish lovers and toxic guys that have ruined the idea that men being horny can come from a wholesome place! Idk if I did a good job of explaining ghat, but I’ve definitely felt both kinds of horny, and they are like night and day. I don’t really know if there’s a female equivalent, but I guess it would be like if you were with a guy and you felt so good, safe, loved, etc. in you’re relationship with him that you wanted to express how comfortable you feel with him. Maybe it’s like if there’s something that really exited you, and you couldn’t wait to talk to him about it later because you wanted to share that thing that you were excited about with him. Idk but I want to figure it out because I don’t think it’s talked about enough.
Men see it the same way. The problem is that's usually the only way they know how to be intimate, so while all they want is sex to feel close, women can feel close in many other ways so it seems shallow.
@@askewopal It doesn't "seem shallow," it IS shallow. If you don't know how to have a basic emotional connection with someone without showing your affection with solely sex, you're shallow. That's kind of the definition of the term.
Men on the internet love to make jokes about how their wives won't sleep with them often enough or how they just do it to appease them rather than because they enjoy it too. It's just such an interesting way to insult yourself. Like you're telling me you're bad in bed, emotionally neglect your partner and that you're comfortable with someone having sex with you who doesn't actually want to which is obviously 😬
So many men are fine with people not wanting them- maybe because they don’t want themselves. It’s internalized hatred because what else would you call this self sabotaging behavior 😂
@@number-uz1esNarcissism? These kinds of men want sex and don’t care about their partners because they love themselves too much. Don’t try to turn an obvious misogynistic part of society into “Oh Boohoo, men are so mistreated!”
i would call it thoroughgoing disrespect not self sabotage. misogyny and arrogance so deep the guy can’t imagine himself as the root of her lack of interest in having sex. its actually lack of interest in having sex with HIM.
@@changingmymind You could get the same result the other way, so much self-loathing that he can't imagine her ever genuinely being interested in having sex with him.
There is always the problem that a lot of hetro woman don’t get their physical needs met during sex either, so their wanting of sex is there, just not the appetite for what is being served, great way of making your partner seem irritated all the time
Yes, and the usual advice is to try to show him what you really want, but some men take even the gentlest nudge in the right direction as a personal attack on their abilities to satisfy their partner and things can turn nasty quite quickly.
This is so true. Probably because men think their penis is some sort of magic wand, just insert and she's done😂 I want to be horny first. I want to feel like I'm at the maximum relaxation level but restless at the same time. To feel warm and heavy as if my bones are made out of hot lava. Every skin cell of my body in this sweet alertness so the slightest touch sends heatwaves through my body. Even feeling the sheets beneath me on my skin feels like being caressed, so I move around to feel more of it, just like a cat in heat. And then every kiss and every touch sending a firework through my body that explodes between my legs... That's when I'm ready for the magic wand, that's when I'd beg for it. And that's what I would come back for. But I'm not coming back for some dry spaghetti.
Sounds like trying to get a big juicy burger only to be given a veggie burger that’s the serving size a gourmet chef would think up. Like a quarter sized veggie burger. Yeah. I wouldn’t be happy either. I’d be fucking pissed and I just wouldn’t even want to eat it. Or if I did, I’d go out and help myself to something else instead. Which is probably why she might be paying more attention to her toy than her partner let’s be real
I have had too many real experiences of that, and have had too many women partners not communicating in bed with the same fear. I think the experience that stands out most for me is when I was holding his (man partner) wrist so that his hand was in the right place, this being after my words were not doing anything and he was “not going to stop until I was done” for him to twist out on my hand overly aggressively, stop everything bec I was taking too long and stopping him from getting to the right place. When I explained that I was helping him be in the right place for me, that I was taking forever bec he asked me not to fake it, then proceeded with everything he liked but almost nothing I did, and was ignoring all my suggestions (I said this as kindly as possible bec I did want to get to the finish line with him after all) he huffed and puffed, turned his back and started to ignore me with his phone, when I got up and took a long shower he then proceeded to start a fight bec I went off and finished myself.
@@qwenabellwynfell9778 It might be even worse than that, it’s more like you are told that if you work, if you grind the meat, clean the dishes and prep the kitchen for the chef to make you something and then sit down and be served that small little veg burger while you watch as that chef sits down and eats with you that big juicy burger you were promised. And if you say anything you get “what?! I gave you a burger! Why are you acting like you need more than me?” When you really just want the same
Yeah tried to tell him exactly that but nope. He said the words “Sex is not all I want!” And I responded “then show me something else without trying to have sex with me.” Then he actually grabbed my arm and asked me to have sex with him. I didn’t even have the chance to inhale after my sentence. Done with life right now.
I have tried explaining the same to my husband. I have tried being vulnerable and explaining how I felt unseen and disrespected, and how the only time I even get physical attention from him is when he’s trying to initiate s*x… I told him I felt like that’s all he wants, all the time. The dude literally said, to my face, “That’s not true! Sometimes I want dinner too!” And that’s when I knew my feelings were just a joke…
You don't need to be done with life. Just be done with him. Pack up your stuff and move on with your life. You don't owe anybody your life. We only get one chance at this thing. If your partner doesn't want to contribute love, care, and respect, then you're not even in a relationship. Get gone.
Hugs to you. He sounds like his emotionally stunted. You need counseling for yourself, but if he’d go, couples counseling too. YOU ARE important enough to support and love yourself through this. On a sidenote, it’s amazing how men don’t see how unattractive begging is. Ick.
Sometimes it's also the way they approach having sex. I swear some men think if they've had sex with a person once, then they can skip to the undressing any time they want. It's nice for them that they're in the mood, but if I'm not in the mood (not even in a bad mood or anything, just not thinking of sex right then), feeling me up all of a sudden and telling me I look fuckable is NOT a turn on. Seriously, take my hand, draw me in for a hug, ask what I'm up to, ask if you can kiss me, once, twice, three times, more?. Seriously ASK, being able to express (and if I'm feeling neutral on the subject DECIDE) that I do in fact want a kiss and more is a lot faster than expecting me to just get on board with whatever my partner is feeling. Also do the hug and asking what's up other times too, not just when the mood hits, or it'll stop being sweet and caring, and become clear it's just a tool to get me on board which will break my heart.
Yes, very important: "Ask" entails to be fully accepting of ANY reply you get. And not an invitation to start bargaining and blackmailing when the answer is not what you wanted to hear.
@@lynnebucher6537 Horrifying. That is not love and friendship 100 percent. No wonder the world statistics shows that majority of women don't experience orgasm. Depressing and sad. The world is a really sad place for women. A lot of times pure hell.
I see it as they go to 5/10 and want to rev the engine. But ive not been in your head, I'm not hot. Start me at 1 and work me up to 10. If you start at 5 I'm too sensitive and irritable. Add an extra bit of time and you will get jumped by your partner when you hesitate too long on 8.
Dude! Exactly! If I’m elbows deep in greasy dishes after cooking dinner for hours, reaching behind me and sliding your hand up my shirt for a boob grab is NOT the way to initiate ANYTHING other than my immediate rage and anger towards you! Not only does it make me feel disrespected and unvalued in my work as a stay at home mother and wife, it makes me feel like less than a person, and you want me to have s*x with you after treating me like a fidget toy…? I friggin’ think NOT.
Or morning sex. I like it, but don't wake me out of a dead sleep for it. He hasn't wanted to have sex in three years. Except for the one time, where I got woke out of a dead sleep, for "let's get this over with" sex.
Absolutely this!! Like I've got a pair of rubber gloves on scrubbing the kitchen cupboards whilst the kids are screaming at each other on the other room now is not the time I'm not remotely in the mood for that shit😂
This message is totally on point. Who wants to have sex when all day long you've been ignored or treated unkindly. Good sex comes when there's been love, caring, honesty, consideration, and attention outside of the bedroom. What happens outside of the bedroom determines how things will go inside the bedroom.
Eventually, it got to the point in my marriage that it felt like it didn't matter that it was *me* he was having sex with, it could literally have been anyone with a pulse and it would have been all the same to him. When I would try to explain how I was feeling, it was met with the cold shoulder, being emotionally shut out, or being told I was being 'clingy'. He would constantly criticize every little thing I did, even if I did it to the letter how he said to do it. Nothing I did was ever enough, and nothing he did was ever his fault. And yet, he was always surprised, even indignant that I didn't want to have sex at the drop of a hat. After years of trying to get him to listen, I left. You can't love someone enough to do their healing for them, and you deserve better than to be emotionally neglected and abused while they refuse to take accountability or work on bettering themselves.
@clovergirl143: They all seem to act the same. They can't handle discussing anything that needs to be addressed by the female. This is the narcissist: She shouldn't have concerns or feelings, only I can because I'm entitled and I'm a covert narcissist and my entitlement was given to me even though I didn't work for it and because im an abuser and a total assh-le. Me: No narc! ! Bad narc! I can't give you anything that wasn't earned, especially that.
YES, this sounds like my ex. Was his name by chance James W? From NY lol. He had issues that he needed to address but no amount of talking or therapy would get him to see some of this was on him too... it was all my fault I needed to be medicated, I needed to get my libido back. He was perfect, he was great, he made no mistakes... Yada Yada yada... I eventually left but now I hate being touched, every touch was a sextual encounter... every hug was a grope, every kiss was a make out with handsiness... i know hate being touched, it just gives me the ick now...
Nurturing your partnership and friendship with your spouse is just as important as sex. Sex isn't a shortcut to create intimacy; it's an expression of the intimacy that already exists within the relationship.
This. I feel like we're gaslit into thinking that this is a only a woman's perspective and men view/experience sex differently but I think that just coddles men. And if it comes down to it, men need to (sincerely) meet us where we're at because we risk so much more in every sexual encounter.
@@DBSSTEELER Nah. Without the RELATIONSHIP there is no relationship. Sex without intimacy isn't a real relationship. Trying to create a emotional intimacy out of a sexual relationship is way more of a gamble than starting a sexual relationship out of emotional intimacy. No one's trying to take away your nut, we're just saying the baseline should be that the nut should be resultant from intimacy and not the other way around.
@DBSSTEELER Then how do your friendships work? Or your relationships with family? They work, even though sex is not part of your relationship with them, correct? Then *why* would you deprive your partner of the same emotional connections you give to your other loved ones? Sex is not a substitute.
Could you do a video on “consent thresholds”. Like, “I only want to cuddle but not more than that” or “I just feel like kissing but I’m not in the mood for s*x”. How to communicate these thresholds and when one partner doesn’t respect them.
Omg, I literally had an ex boyfriend who told me he hated when I asked to cuddle, or make out, but not have sex. He said it was confusing because he didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know how to tell him at the time that I just wanted non penetrative intimacy.
Truth truth truth. I ended my relationship bcos of this and he was just so bewildered. After a whole year of my telling him in explicitly clear language that i was unhappy. There are real consequences for dismissing your partners feelings. Not listening is a real deal breaker. Men really need to understand this.
Smart you are! And it appears you had a healthy upbringing? Hooray! I didn’t so all of my romantic partners turned out to be narcissists. Women who grew up in an abusive household would be begging for “crumbs” in this situation. (I always did.) In fact she would be punished for asking for the fan to be turned off. I know. I was that abused woman who almost died in 2006 with influenza (my husband ignored me because “that’s what I would want Kat”). Well the flu has now disappeared and has became Covid. My ex has moved far far away and now I have become happy.
Speaking with other girl mates and from my own experience on this, i think its because a fair amount of guys only care for their own gratification. They are trying to sprint during a marathon, hardly any foreplay and rushing to put it in and it can be incredibly painful/uncomfortable if your body just isnt ready for the act. Its a real turn off when you repeatedly feel like your needs during dont matter.
100%. It's typically done when the man is done. Dunno if guys just... Forget? That women finish too?? (Specifically talking about a straight relationship. But it's not fair to your partner no matter what if you decide it's done just because you got to the finish line. If you're done help your partner out!!!)
@@WeartheGoodSocks I think men tend to also forget how good sex was at the start of the relationship, when both parties were enthusiastic. They both enjoyed it much more. But when the enthusiasm is gone, they don't want to put in the work to bring it back. They selfish about it.
I just had to put my foot down and say no quickies, were doing right or were not doing it, because I've stopped enjoying it. Like I agree I'd like to have a quickie and have it feel good, because the less time and energy it takes, the more often we can do it. But when I can't feel anything, or it hurts, that's a lonely feeling to push through just for your partner.
I didn't always get it, but I hope I can teach guys that it's worth it to redirect their efforts towards something that really helps the relationship =)
I’m not a man and I’m not married but I watch your videos completely because I think they’re important and in hopes they reach the people they need to reach
Yup yup yup said it better than I ever could. And it gets even worse if he starts acting mopey for not getting sex, but then proceeds to ignore you in other facets of your relationship...
Every woman has two body counts "Number of guys she's slept with" and "Number of guys she's slept with that didn't involve hours or days of argument and guilt tripping" For me the number is like a 5-1 ratio. Because if a woman isn't into you, threatening to beat up her friends or shoot up a building or kill yourself will coerce her but it isn't going to make you more attractive
Yup, my ex pulled this BS after several yrs you just lay there and don't say no. You pretend your into it, because you just don't want to deal with his tantrum because you didn't want to. Deal with him not talking to you, ignoring you, purposely leaving ridiculous messes and having the kids play messenger... it's was just ridiculous.
Guess what mood i am not in after being awake taking care of kids since 530/6am? A sexy one. If one more person touches me i will vomit my skin off and run away because my personal space is non-existent. Maybe give your partner a break, do something nice, have a conversation with them, get up earlier to help with the kids before work, help with housework or KEEP YOUR OWN FUGGIN SCHEDULE and stop putting it all on them to keep organized. Then theyll probably wanna feck you because they actually have the energy for it.
@@DBSSTEELER lmfao 😂😂😂😂 nah I'm the one saving him thousands of dollars in childcare, house cleaning, having a personal assistant to make sure he's on time and aware of his schedule. Because I work 24/7/365, he gets to come home and play video games and relax. He gets vacation time. He gets days off. I promise you the boy is fine with this arrangement. The last one we had, I was at work 18 hours a day and home long enough to get my kids to and from school, so I deserve a " (lmfao) break." If you're mad I can give you his Venmo and you can break him free from the restraints of BEING A FATHER AND PARTNER. Tf? Lolol
Tried multiple times, in multiple ways to explain to my ex: You can't ignore me all week, then expect me to fall into bed with you. If the only time you show me affection, is when you want my body, I feel used.
You are spot on! Hubby and I are in our 50s and having the best sex of our lives. We have the tough talks and now that the kids are on their own way, we are reconnecting and finding ways to refocus on us. Love your channel!
Men become a chore and refuse to see that. Honey... I just spent 18 hours dealing with LIFE. I just want a few hours of sleep BUT, you just got 6 hours of sleep while I dealt with our household chores... NO! I don't want sex.
It is actually very enlightening to hear all of your comments. As a single virgin in her 30s, I often long for marriage, but when I read things like this, reality hits and I am very happy to be single. 😅
My fiancé (now my ex) got extremely angry with me when I didn't want to because I was SICK. And I don't mean herdacht, I mean high fever, puking, barely able to move sick. He told me it was a "female power move" and I was treating our intimacy as a power game in which I always had to win. I could only whisper "look who's talking" before he took what he thought was rightfully his. He refused to talk about it or apologise after. I left and never looked back. He stalked me for a while and still doesn't think he did anything wrong. I have a naturally high libido, by the way. Before I got sick we were at it sometimes three times a day. Nothing was ever good enough for this person. It was toxic.
He sexually assaulted you against your consent when you were sick? Hold cow! I'm so terribly sorry that creep was neither raised right by their parents, nor their peers nor society, to get that sorted out before you had to suffer through this. Congratulations on saving yourself!
I wish guys were listening. There are other reasons and one is “that at the moment, I don’t feel pretty or sexy or attractive” and whether that’s in my head or not, it’s real. Perhaps if he made me feel that way , it wouldn’t be a problem. Hmmm
@@brendanbudniak2261 What do you mean it's not the guys fault? It might not be his "fault" that she doesn't feel appreciated or attractive at the moment, but he could still make the situation better. He has an opportunity to step up and connect with her, express is appreciation for her, hear her our, help her with anything that is in the way of relaxing the mood and so on... If he doesn't take that opportunity to make her feel respected, appreciated and loved, because it's too much of a hassle, then he also doesn't really want sex with her that much. If he really wanted to love her and be intimate with her, then he would have to participate in creating the right preconditions to make it a relaxing experience for both of them.
Spot on. And you can lie there waiting for him to finish so you can attend to the crying toddler he doesn't even hear. And he gets cross when you tell him to hurry up. And he gets so in the moment that he forgets about you. Having to engage his brain to do what youve previously instructed him spoils it for him. Yes ive left him, thx for asking
@@mark9294Even if she was married, she was a single mom. Leaving him just meant one less mouth to feed, one less person to clean up after, and one less baby whining to her.
I’ve only seen a handful of your videos, but you have been 100% on target with every one! I’m a 52 yo woman and sooo appreciative your work. I’ve been married unhappily for 26 years and almost got divorced because my husband didn’t understand/ was taught/ modeled. Keep up the great work. Men need to understand our perspective in order for us(men and women) to have a real PARTNERSHIP. Thank you
For the majority of them is better to pay for hookers. Normal women are not for them. I don't even know why they want to get married or be in a relationship in the first place. Just pay for services such as sex, cooking and cleaning. At least you're living honestly.
I’ve heard it said “foreplay begins outside the bedroom.” Meaning everything you did that day/week leading up to the initiation determines if it’s gonna happen and how well it will go. Did you listen to her? Ask about her day? Comfort her when she was sad? Cekebrate her accomplishments? Take care of what she asked you to? Did you talk to her for ANY reason other than to get some, since coming home? A woman needs to feel emotionally connected to you before she can physically connect. Otherwise it literally feels like you’re having sex with a stranger.
Yup. And my husband was so confused about why I didn't want sex anymore. We talked about it the night before, that we were going to get the babies to bed earlier and spend time together. I was finishing up Xmas shopping for everyone and I come home to him playing video games. It was late and the kids hadn't been fed. I even asked him to cook dinner since it was taking longer than I expected. I couldn't even enjoy my dinner. I had to keep stopping to get the kids cleaned and in bed. I had to. He ate his food and watched a show. And didn't understand why I didn't want sex anymore. Like, wtaf?! Ya know
That’s is me, it starts outside the bedroom. I don’t need flowers or anything major .It is the little things that money cannot buy that get me going,how you treat me or talk to me ,that affection, touch here and there,attention. Sharing household duties, cooking, putting your clothes in the washing basket. My bar is that low but alas no one gets it.
This is so applicable to other relationships too, like a friend or family member who only gets in contact when they need something from you rather than to genuinely check in or invite you to something fun, and you end up feeling used and under appreciated. But I have no idea how to work this out.
After years of being a people pleaser and ending up feeling totally used and depleted the way I work it out is simply to remove the takers from my life (or at least minimise contact)... And focus on learning to love and value myself instead. I feel so much happier for it!
My sweetie will stop the ask or the act just to make sure I'm in the mood and comfortable. The fact that he cares so much about both of us "feeling it" made me actually "feel it" so much more over the years. And there's no faking his commitment to this. My ex would accept a "not now" but would definitely be a bit pouty. I know he was wrestling with his disappointment, but I could still feel it, and it affected my desire for intimacy with him. Maybe this will help dispel part of the mystery.
I knew it got bad when my constant go to excuse was “I’m sick” or “I’m tired” and he wouldn’t take no for a simple answer. Men like that are exhausting and I’ve been happier since dropping that dead weight.
I remember for so long I capitulated and let him have sex with me. I had to calculate how often I could tell him no before I had to say yes again or else he’d pitch a fit. I don’t think I ever once actually wanted sex with him… I justified letting it happen because I wanted him to be happy even if I would be miserable. And then he’d complain that I wasn’t active enough even though when I tried to touch him he just pushed me away… I’m so glad I’m not with him anymore
This is all true, buuuut....sometimes it's the sex. If it isn't fun for her, it becomes a chore... Foreplay starts in the kitchen. Being attentive, helpful, kind, fun is really important. If she goes to bed feeling tired and frustrated night after night, she doesn't feel like having sex with the person who doesn't seem to care, or like or value her.
For most Women romance isn't just foreplay it is being valued, cherished, appreciated, cared for and supported. That happens in different ways. You have to know the love language that addresses a couple of her needs. But- if you are doing things solely to GET BACK SOMETHING- that is a HUGE TURN OFF. For many Women they need to feel contented before they can feel ready for physical intimacy. Where as many Men need physical intimacy to feel contented. Partners need to understand that both sides need their feelings validated. Not necessarily at the same time for the same reasons. But at some point. (And yes, sometimes Women don't understand what they're feeling.😂)
I was starting to realize i was asexual, but stopped looking into it because my boyfriend at the time seemed hurt at the idea. It ended for different reasons, but man, my body was making itself sick to get out of intimacy.
For men, sex is a way of connecting. For women, it’s confirmation of an existing connection. I want my man when I already feel emotionally in sync and when he’s pulling equal weight as a partner.
@@SpecialBlanket Yes, you, my dear, mus learn the difference between "talking about trends and majorities" vs "talking about individuals". Aka your personal experience by no means invalidates what the previous commenter said.
Don’t forget if you have any kind of trauma in that regard, it’s pretty easy to not want to do it as much. It doesn’t have to be something your partner does at all. Sometimes your body could instinctively feel the urge to flee at the mere thought of doing that if it’s a hard emotional day. Communication about that is so important, and having your partner understand and respect that feels so nice, I personally nearly burst into tears, I got so emotional in a good way 🤣
I resonate with every reason you stated. AND I shared those reasons. The response I got was “it’s reciprocal. I can’t be emotionally intimate with you if you’re not sexually intimate with me. I can’t even be around you if you don’t want sex because I’ve been denied it for too long” (2-3 weeks, for reference) This was a year ago and I still feel like I need to fake-want sexual intimacy if I want to receive emotional connection. And I honestly don’t know if that’s wrong or “just the way it is” as I’ve read numerous times that women should just have a go at it with sex, even if not in the mood, for sake of the relationship.
Guys do need physical intimacy for emotional connection. So, yeah, it is reciprocal. The last thing a marriage needs is denial or ransom held on either side to withhold what the other needs. (I know it can't be 100%, all the time, but wanting to be the thing you are in an exclusive covenant about is both your roles) Husbands can't go to others for these physical needs, that'd be cheating. You are the ONE place to get those needs met. If you can't get sex at home from the woman you committed to, married, love, & desire sex from, then what? It is soul-crushing for a man to be denied sex from his wife. Both of you have needs and the desire to meet those needs has to come from both directions.
@@dennisflax you know what people actually *need* ? Food, water, and shelter. And yet people still have to work to pay for access for those things. If men will literally die if they can't have sex with their wives, you'd think they would be more willing to put in the effort required to make their wives want to have sex with them.
@@dennisflax I will never let a man tell me that sex is a need. I was told that was a lie to get you to sleep with men back in health class, and i believe it to this day. It's a want and desire, not something you're entitled too.
Bruh not to mention the number of women in heterosexual relationships who just are not getting their sexual needs met in any way. I've heard absolute horror stories from my friends about lack of foreplay, always the same foreplay, he thinks it's over cuz he's done, he won't try anything new, he doesn't want any scenario where she has more control, partners dismissing it when she say she's not ready (lubricated enough) or that is hurts, ect.
Yup... you just suck it up and deal with it because he truly doesn't care. Even when h you talk afterwards he views 2 hrs of forplay as ridiculous and that kills the mode for him... yeah all about him. Men need to understand sex is an emotional reaction. If we are having issues the 1st thing that goes is the sex...
Absolutely. And one can find so many "courses" online for women on "how to enjoy sex even if your partner has no idea what to do" and "how to make your man happy in sex", but so little programs, which would teach men how to behave in bed. Every first one thinks that if they watched a single pron movie in their life, they are 100% sex experts forever 🤦🤦🤦 More over, sometimes itis just enough to listen to your partner and do what they want! 🤦
One of the most ridiculous bed stories, which happened to me. He, after 2 minutes of sex, indignantly: You haven't come yet! Me: Yes, let's continue He: You want to humiliate me! In movies for adults all actresses already come after such time! Me: They are actresses and these are movies, not reality. He: But you could have played like you're coming out of courtesy, so I would not feel vulnerable! I got absolutely speechless and left that bed forever.
Yep. That's why me and my ex broke up. Got to the point when I felt repulsion from even kissing him. We were long distance and when we met after almost a year of not seeing each other, I wanted to spend time together, go for a walks, etc. And he wanted to touch me all the time. Like, no sir. We need to build back emotional connection and have no idea how much time it'll take. It wasn't the first time we fought about it, but it was last. For him, sexual activities of different kinds is the most important part of relationships, even if he said it's not. He still acted like that. And for me sex is the last. I need a person. So we broke up somewhere around our 2year dating anniversary. It was about half a year ago, but I still feel overprotective and ready to aggressively (verbally) protect my boundaries when it comes to anything even close to the topic.
When I was married, maybe a few years in, I felt that I was having sex with a stranger. Not doing other things together and not having good communication, fights, don’t help at all. I would cry after it, and try to hide it, because what is the point of explaining if he was going to get all defensive and not change… But I believe it’s possible with both are working towards fulfilling each other’s needs and wants!🙏💗
How would a man feel if the wife only spoke to him if she wanted his credit card or wanted him to take out the trash? It's called manipulation and no one likes that. It's about respect. Respect is men's love language. They should get it.
I actually don't feel like this with my partner (he's one of the only ones who sits with my pain), but I do feel like this towards my mom/dad/sister. Same responses of "you're making a big deal out of nothing", "just get over it" and then they later come to me and want closeness (more like emotional labour for their problems). Thanks for pointing out the extra emotional neglect and loneliness after I reach out to them and get those distant responses. I think this applies to all relationships, but it makes sense that it manifests in romantic relationships first. I want to point out that I receive this treatment even from other women and it's more of a low EQ thing. Some women can be high EQ in other areas (like socially navigating) but really low EQ in others (like supporting someone else or listening to them or not dismissing them). Girls can suck a lot too.
Sir with all due respect truly thank you! I believe with every single bit of my heart & soul that me accidentally getting on tiktok &it popping your video up was a gift from God! I'm going through some very trying times & then some more pops up then more then More! Most importantly though is that even though I don't voice things in the eloquent way that you do I've been saying this things for well over 14 years now..& this point in my life I've hit a snag a real crossing so I'm wondering If I seen these to know that I am important & I am worth the effort & that I need to learn to try to love myself mo matter what body dysmorphia, panic disorder, Multiple Sclerosis, Narcolepsy, agoraphobia & can't gain weight issue... but that even though I have all those things I'll be worth the respect that I give! I'm so glad I ran across your page!!!
I love this Lauren! Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing. I’m sorry it’s been a tough road, you’re absolutely worthy of respect and kindness!!! I pray you always know that :) praying for you 🙏
I woukd not have sex with my first husband when he over worked me. By over worked me mesns working 16-20 hours a day on the farm. Those four hours are mine not yours. I know you had a four hour break when your friends came over and i had to have a four course meal cooked from scratch. I also know you went to bed four hours earlier so you have had your rest. I also know i get up two hours earlier before you and you're rested. You never helped out because it is all womens work. No sex. Second husband no better. I would give him no sex if i still have a bruise anywhere on my body because he had beat me. I evenvtold him. His response beat me and then try to rape me. How did that go when i told him not to do it again? He did. I got a restraining order for life. No beatings & no sex. Good enough for me. Been 20+ years. No sex equals no drama & not seeing the ER equals tranquility.
Thank you I thought I was going crazy because he makes me feel like I am wrong when I tell him that he only touches me in certain ways or at all unless he wants some I have explained this to him in the beginning of the relationship and now I just am silent about my feelings and I used to be very vocal about my feelings. We have been together for 20 years.😢
Girl if he’s not even willing to _negotiate_ with you when you are risking being vulnerable with your feelings like this (that’s the bare minimum!), he doesn’t respect you, or your needs. You deserve so much better than that. I’m not sure if I am intruding or not but if you’ve said something more than once or twice, he’s not going to change. Love isn’t going to fix him because he doesn’t feel it in depth the way you do, especially if he still treats you like this 20 years later. I can’t emphasize enough that basic consideration is exactly that, basic, basic communication in a healthy relationship. I hope either he straightens up his ass for your relationship or you find the courage to find something better to spend time on.
When the last time yous had a weekend away together just you and him? Whens the last time yous made an effort to have a romantic or fun night? Maybe something different needs to happen in the relationship, or maybe yous have gotten comfortable with how this scenario is for too long and now he dont see a problem? Maybe both of you need to experience something together that yous havent before. Could be scuba diving, or hiking a beautiful scenery, or even paragliding! Something adventurous? I hope you can find a way to work it out, as 20years with someone is alot of time together.
I had to break up with mine. But I remember when I always hurt after work. The footrubs and backrubs almost always got me there. But sometimes he would do that and let me nap. THEN I was ready. I felt better all the way for all that emotional and physical caring.
Oh my god… that’s me and my ex. He didn’t understand any of this… him being kind to me was finishing quickly, so there was no kiss, no cuddle, but just IT IN while I count numbers and looking at ceiling… Your video brought back me the sad memories…. Thank god we are not together anymore 🎉
Did you tell him you wanted to cuddle? Did you tell him you wanted more kisses? So you counted numbers? So did you show him you were into it or that you just didn't like to be close to him? What would have made it better? Were you just not attracted to him or turned on? Did it not feel good
Non sexual affection all but disappears after the honeymoon phase, but sexual affection is expected to remain the same or grow stronger. Continue to date your partner with honeymoon phase non sexual affection, and the sexual affection can be regained. LEARN THE VALUE OF NON SEXUAL AFFECTION. LEARN IT, PRACTICE IT, GIVE IT THE SAME PRIORITY AS SEX.
I feel the same way except that it is women not wanting affection. Just attention but only for the woman and no physical affection except once in a blue moon when it is necessary for her to feel attention. I hate it.
As a woman I can tell you that sometimes during my marriage I felt that the only reason he wanted me was for the sex. Did I was just an object for him. I wasn't a person I wasn't somebody he loved. He didn't care about my feelings... I've truly felt alone
Make your wife feel emotional safe/ secure is absolutely the key to a healthy relationship which results in a healthy sex life. I don’t care who it bothers a man is the protector and that’s not just physical safety but emotional safety. If you do that your wife will be much happier!
Yes though frankly, as a woman I want that corrected. It bothers me. Because I'm not having it. If my male partner doesn't understand how he needs to protect AND doesn't understand how I'm protective of him, it's just not gonna work out. Men and women are equally tasked with protection. There's just been a lot of misunderstanding on what types of protections they are and how the whole point of partnership is to start inching closer on learning from the other how theirs works.
@@stepintoyourpower I enjoy your spirit! I imagine that someday you probably will meet somebody but not online dating. Avoid anything that comes over the computer and apps. A real man will find you in real life.
I think it helps if men understand that for many women, foreplay starts the moment you wake up and not 10 minutes before the act. Maybe sit down and ask your wife, "I feel rejected when you seem annoyed that I want to have sex. Do you not enjoy having sex with me?" and then be quiet and just listen to her answer. I think that could be really helpful if you really want to know the answer.
This is a super tough one, it requires both parties to peel back the layers and communicate what they need to feel loved. It also requires both parties to be willing to work at it and it requires some grace. You need to be understanding if your needs aren't being met in the short term because of some outside force and the other party needs to be aware of this as well, so it can be acknowledged and appreciated, reciprocated.
this can happen but sometimes its not that deep. for some reason a lot of men these days seem to think "i want to have sex more often"/"we dont have enough sex" is a reasonable substitute for any effort. like, did you flirt with her? when is the last time you went out or did something special? what got her aroused when you first started dating and did you try that? if youre just coming home, hopping in your pjs, and plopping on the couch, you shouldnt be wondering why she isnt all over you
Last night, my husband asked if I wanted a certain seggsual act, and I said "not particularly"...he then chastised me for saying "not particularly" instead of "no" because it hurt his feelings. The end. ☠️
This is why one of my exes laid out two words for the conversation- one for "I'm not into it but if you like that I'm open" and one for "nope. Turn the lights back on, this is absolutely not happening"
Low key wanna send this to my ex because this is exactly how I felt in that relationship, I brought it up numerous times and 6 months after the break up he texted me like “what did i do wrong”
I think some women like myself enjoy sex, but it has to come with a certain level of emotional connection or it just feels like being used and discarded. The use and discard is a pretty common issue with men, unfortunately. They get sex, and then retreat into video games or tv, or just go to sleep or leave the connection altogether. This doesn't fulfill the woman's needs in any way whatsoever. But especially if he is satisfying his own needs sexually and not hers. Then he is just a disappointment... Some men are abusive and sex with them is unsatisfying on so many levels. My ex insulted me one time during sex and I never had sex with him again.
Yes, a lot of the time it has to do with an emotional reason when it comes to a woman. But you can't forget that a lot of times it's also the way wanting sex is being approached. I used to get annoyed when my ex would want sex because he always came at me the wrong way. Did things I didn't like. And in turn, that made me feel unheard as well..
Although it was said in jest, keep in mind the reason why someone would have a dream that their other half was mean to them is because that's the way they feel during their conscious state. They're only expressing these feelings in their dreams because their mind is free to do so without retaliation
Nah I had a dream where a friend stabbed me because when my brain said "there's someone in the doorway with a knife" it just got filled in with the only person who would be in my house at 3am
You're genuinely really helpful for some men out there, in a world where everyone often finds it hard to be sociable it's likely they won't receive this kind of advice from their peers. So thanks for being the stepping stone for improvement for the mens out there
Oof. Yup. My ex would bring up and start fights about sex often, in the last year or two of our relationship. Fghting about it, and feeling pressured around it, made me not even want to HUG him, let alone have sex. My dad had died and i was super depressed.. Also i went no contact with my abusive mom, and my sister got mad and stopped talking to me in retaliation.. so i was NOT in the mood for sex, & bro had zero empathy or understanding.
The irony of being with a guy like that, and asking him for foreplay or to reciprocate the stuff he asks for "Well anytime someone asks me for it, it makes it so I don't want to do it anymore" Zero sense of irony there
Yeah my libido has been shaped by years of "we're having sex because it doesnt last as long as arguing about it" By the time you get to a point where you COULD conceivably be in the mood, you've already had so much obligation sex that you're already worn out on it
Another problem I've noticed is when my partner wants to be intimate he already IS in the mood and I'm usually still cleaning, doing something else or in my mind getting over something that worries me. I'm not mentally checked in. So I first would have to GET IN the mood, yet often it's too much to ask for my partner to help me with that or at least be patient enough for me to get there. He already had his time to get there, but why do I not get this time?
"She doesn't even understand all of them." This is very true, and I love the way you said this! People are complicated, and it's important to recognize and accept it. It's okay not to fully understand oneself; understanding ourselves is an ongoing project that all of us are going through for the duration of our lives. Giving our partners space for the times when we're confused and uncertain is I think a huge piece of respect.
I haven't had sex with him in two years and I told him I never will again. I am trying to move out and move on. I refuse to f someone who's thoroughly okay with abusing me in every way a person can be abused. So, celibacy is the life for me. I don't ever want to have sex with a man again. It's sad to say that at 35 but I spent two decades of my life sexually active and in relationships and didn't focus on myself and my life. I'm happy I have my son, that I get to experience motherhood but that's it. I'm just done.
I’m a 33 year old woman and I am sorry that you experienced that. I don’t have children, but I do know the pain of losing time that wasn’t spent focusing on your own goals and self betterment. Just wanted to send a virtual hug 🤗 ❤
Because its not about being with her. She feels like its another chor requirement, because that's all we ever feel like we are seen. Fulfilling someone else's needs.
Right. Exactly. Now what we do with this information is to empathize with others and do our best to communicate our feelings boundaries clearly. Do you feel like your wife cares about your feelings?
@@brendanbudniak2261 I'm sorry you feel so unappreciated. Have you thought about counciling? It is true that because women are humans, women can also be bad at expressing their feelings and saying what they think. Part of it is social programming, but beside the point. You do have the right to set boundaries. Do you feel like you understand her feelings about things?
Are you sure you wouldn't benefit from setting boundaries and sitting down to really talk to your partner about how and why you feel unappreciated? Or are you trying to just get out of your relationship? Which is understandable, if you feel unheard, you have a right to be happy. It seems perhaps I asked the question incorrectly, but does your partner talk about her feelings to you? Do you feel like you understand her?@@brendanbudniak2261
After 25 years of marriage and at age 46 my husband is often amazed anytime he propositions me I say yes. He says other guys complain they never get to have s*x anymore. I say well you treat me like a princess in the bedroom. So thoughtful & giving. You treat me like an equal outside of the bedroom. We have had our ups & downs. There have been real disconnects & issues. Many times he didn’t realize. But as I watch these videos and communicate my feelings more honestly he steps up more and more. Thanks Jimmy.
This can also be a stereotype. It’s often that men withhold sex from their wives, leaving them frustrated and feeling unwanted. How about addressing that?
My husband and I struggled a lot over the last 3-4 years of our relationship. Sex was infrequent and he’d complain that he felt gross because he could tell I wasn’t into it. It was a painfully obvious symptom of our marriage falling apart. The moment we decided to put our egos aside and work on things in earnest, the sex was better. WAY better. And more frequent. I literally can’t leave him alone. We’ve delved into kinks together. I feel safe to be disgusting with him 🥵 You can’t approach fixing things by starting with sex. When the communication and connection is strong, the sex you want will follow naturally.
Lack of emotional connection. Lack of mutual partnership. No romance. No affection during the day. Feeling unheard. Seeing you as another of her children. Feeling like she has outgrown you.
I have been known to "withhold" because after waking up at 5am, Getting kids ready for school, Fighting traffic, Working all day, Grocery shopping, Doing all the chores, Homework and dinner, Is and barely having enough time to take a shower, I am way too tired at the end of the day to put that effort in.. lol Truth be told
I've experienced also two other reasons: 1) the birth of my first child was traumatic, we needed an emergency C-section that left me physically hurt for weeks and emotionally confused. I couldn't trust my body for months after that and this made me feel unable to let someone else manipulate my body, particularly my reproductive system. 2) exhaustion. Having a baby and a toddler as a SAHM meant I never had time off. Doing all the housework, grocery shopping, cooking and looking after our children was so tiring that often I physically didn't have any energy left to even get aroused. All I wanted was sleep and rest and maybe cuddle and being hold, after having to emotionally provide the whole day to our children. I know several women who had phases they were just physically too exhausted for sex and this of course also happens to men. There's also other reasons I can think of: depression, sexual abuse (sometimes victims are fine until something their partner does triggers a memory of the trauma that until then was buried well behind a thick defense wall and after that it becomes impossible to put the memory back behind the wall), emotional pain due to a loss, anxiety disorders, lack of appropriate privacy due to the housing condition, thyroid problems, gynecological issues that cause pain during or after intercourse, hormonal imbalances.
I'm reading all these comments about self-centered sex and how it treats the "partner" like an object without meeting her needs and I'm just thinking, man, somehow I *nailed* this feeling in my fic where Loki's talking with the Hulk about how it feels to be used without any consideration about your own feelings or desires. “And it’s… it’s using someone like a tool. Using their body, without including them. Without caring about their choices or their pleasure, just your own.”
My ex husband was a Gen-X with an old country boy mentality- i.e. it's a woman's job to do all of the house work and raise the kids while the man smokes cigarettes and drinks coffee before hopping on the tractor. Except, he no longer was on gran'papa's farm; instead, we lived in a condo in the city. In his head, it was my job to do all of the "woman's" work after I got home from work, while he sat on the couch smoking, drinking, and playing video games. He was constantly in between jobs but since raising kids was "woman's" work, I dropped our toddler off at daycare before work and picked him back up after I got off of work. I would get home, cook dinner, feed and then play with our son for a little bit before bedtime-meanwhile the husband played his video games and waited for me to get done with my chores. One night, around 1030, I was very tired and just had to finish up the last load of laundry before I could crawl into bed, my husband asked why I never gave him s*x anymore. Furious was not the right word for how I felt. I look back now realizing that I had married a child with a 1950s attitude and a 1990s affinity for electrics whom I lost all physical attraction with and rather disgusted by at the time of our divorce.
Yess! This. It's never like I didn't like sex, but when he started treating me worse and worse, my body just didn't want to get intimate with him anymore. I was kind of even grossed out by his overall behaviour towards me, but I still slept with him regularly (and even at the end, 3-4 rounds per weekend were not enough to him). Needless to say, I left
The whispering 😂 She's annoyed or no longer attracted is my experience ("she" is myself and my female friends). Also, women have the same feelings of not being lusted after as well. Communication and honesty are the only way to "input" the information 😅
I always think the male equivalent to women not liking only feeling valued by sex and their appearance is like how men might feel when they have money. Like yeah sure it's nice that you have money and I'm sure you are happy that you can give that to your wife and you're happy that she goes to YOU for that and relies on YOU for that....But at the same time if she's only going to come to you for that or only show you the love you want if it's for that...then eventually you're going to start to feel like "but damn , I'm much more than just my money. Why do I only feel of value to you when you need that thing from me? Do I not mean anything else to you than money?" If she is only friendly to you and happy with you when you give her money, it's not a nice feeling right? It's the same with sex I feel like🤷🏼♀️
I think a man could understand the terrible feeling of ONLY being wanted for sex. It doesn’t need a comparison with something else. There’s a difference between getting all the sex you want vs being only valued for sex. nobody enjoys that doesn’t matter how much they like sex . no one wants to feel used.
Some years ago i had my first severe depressive episode and my sex drive along with my will to live plummeted. My then partner had all kinds of thoughts and complaints about this. Every time he would talk about how he has needs and how he wants/needs sex it made me feel like he just wanted sex, it had nothing to do with me ir wanting sex with me. all i could think is: does he want me to pretend im a live blow up doll?
Feeling like he doesn't care about my mental, physical, or emotional needs while also insisting I have sex with him feels so awful. Like all I'm good for is my body. I work in a job all day where my boss only cares about how much work I can do and how much money I can make, and come home to a man who only shows a strong emotion - annoyance - when I don't let him have sex with me. The beauty of my heart, the caliber of my soul, it doesn't matter. I might as well be a fleshy robot.
From a woman that was in a 7 yr relationship with my fiance. This is exactly why, we love that you love us, but there is more to me then just sex. I had felt so used that,all he wanted was that. I wanted support, love, appreciation, emotional stuff... he couldn't understand that and gaslite me for yrs. I couldn't take it anymore and left.
This is a fantastic point. But when I tell you (as the wife) I woke up one morning after having a dream that my husband was cheating on me and I was soooo mad. I'd had dreams like that before but always been able to rationalize that it was a dream. That one was so realistic I spent most of the day mad it him/it. I told him I wasn't actually mad at him cause it wasn't actually him but I was still so upset 🤣🤣
My husband thinks I turn in like a light switch. The mere mention should be enough to have me running for the bedroom in the middle of the afternoon, despite the fact I’m supposed to be in a meeting 🤦♀️
ALL OF THE ABOVE! As a married woman of 13 years, DUDE. NAILED IT!!! ❤ “a dream he was mean to me….. “ . THAT is SO REAL! Has totally happened to me, and I woke up totally annoyed 🤣🤣🤣! THANK YOU to all the willing to be honest, vulnerable, integrity seeking, boundary respecting, love strong men out there working through the emotional landscape of marriage 💯👍
Almost every video i watch from you hits me hard and its too true to my reality, im hurting a lot in my relationship but i cant let go of the guilt of the idea of ending things. I truly love and care for this person and im so scared to hurt them by ending it.
Um... they don't seem very concerned about hurting YOU, by keeping you around 🤔 The guilt is valid, but it will pass (if you choose to leave. If you stay, nothing will change) 🙏🏾💕
I linked your channel to my husband. I am hoping he actually falls down your particular rabbit hole. 22 years is a lot to lose because of ego and pride. You have helped me understand him so much better than i did before. My hope is that can also help him understand me.
It’s just another item on a looooong list of her responsibilities. If it ended in a worthwhile reward, which he assumes happens because he gets his and doesn’t really care, that would help, but she’d still have to get on with the next item on her list.
I don't even remember to eat until I've gotten myself mentally settled and stop seeing all the household tasks, you think I'm going to get my head into something that's not necessary for survival?
Definitely that.....and literally exhausted/overwhelmed by the invisible responsibility & cognitive burden. Would LOVE to relax & have fun when THE TEAM finishes all that needs to be done!! 😮💨
Hard to get in the mood for physical intimacy when you don’t feel safe emotionally.
100%
✨💯✨
My mom's story told in a sentence, sadly
Or are physically exhausted.
And once trust is violated ... Finding a thank you note from his coworker in his coat pocket, a single mom who he used to pursue years ago, struggling to make ends meet and thanking him for his giving her a gift if money to help pay her bill for something...
Confronting him about this and he gets mad at _you_ for being stingy and selfish.
He hadn't been sharing with you about her situation...or even that she still worked where he saw her every day.
He never shared that he felt a kind heart to want to help her out or ask you your thoughts if if he should or shouldn't use your mutual money to give away like this.
He eventually apologizes but never lets you talk it out over time.... Instead he remains irritated that the event still bothers you.
He doesn't acknowledge the trust that is now missing and needs to be restored before you could ever be 100% emotionally present for sexual intimacy... And he is primarily irritated that you are "frigid" rather than addressing the deep emotional violation wayyyy not even close to being resolved for you.
It takes a lot of sincere work to "prove" your trustworthiness to a potential mate/life partner...which men are initially enthusiastic about doing to "win" her over.
It takes a bit of ongoing work to maintain the veracity if that trust and have it continue over the lifetime of the couple and to grow unimaginably, even stronger.
But it takes TREMENDOUS painstaking exponentially more consistency of absolutely not making the slightest misstep, while reinvesting quintuple the amount courtship "proving" of trustworthiness, to hopefully regain the security of trust that was lost.
She can forgive you. She can 'go through the motions' for his superficial satisfaction...
But until trust is restored she is not 100% "there" ...she can't be. He damaged her ability to be.
Storytime: I’m currently sick in bed, and I expressed to my partner how I feel like our bedroom environment is not helping me get well. My partner prefers to sleep in a cold room with the AC on or windows open, and always with the ceiling fan on. Usually it doesn’t bother me unless I’m sick. I expressed to my partner that I felt like the AC and ceiling fan were pushing dry, cold air down my throat and the open window was aggravating my allergies. This wonderful person closed the windows, turned off the fans, and shut off the AC for me. Then they washed our humidifier and filled it with distilled water for me, tucked me into bed with all my favorite pillows, and left a big bottle of water on my nightstand. 100% I would have jumped their bones if I wasn’t so sick! 😂 The level of care and thoughtfulness, attention to detail, and going above and beyond without my asking, even in little ways, is what does it for me. 😉
Edit: Wow, thank you so much to the many people who liked and responded to my comment! I’m so touched by the sweet comments about my partner. My heart goes out to those who expressed frustration toward their own partner for not showing care or consideration when the other is struggling physically or emotionally. My partner and I both came from previous relationships where each of us weren’t treated as we should have been, so we both have very clear ideas of what we want and don’t want in a relationship. As a result, we have had a lot of conversations about communicating with each other. Our policy as a couple is to say what we want outright; mind-reading is our enemy. My partner doesn’t pick up on nonverbal cues very well, so talking with one another about our needs and wants in a clear and loving manner is important in our communication. We also don’t downplay each other’s feelings, and we take each other seriously.
To those who questioned the gender of my partner, yes, I generally prefer to keep things ambiguous. I personally feel that it doesn’t matter. However, it may surprise some of you to know that my partner is a straight cis man, and we are in a heterosexual relationship. I share this so you can understand that there are men out there who are loving and considerate, who would go out of their way to care for and dote on their sick partner without being told precisely what to do. My own father would do the same for my mother, and would involve my sibling and me in caring for her. This is what people who love each other do. In sickness or in heath, we are teammates. Life is hard enough, so we must take care of the precious few who are good to us.
Nice fairytale
Lol
Being loved is lovely.
You have a keeper!!❤❤❤
If it was me in that situation, I would have had to explain to my partner every single step that all of that required, or ask for each individual thing separately, like turning off the fan. Turning off the AC. And forget cleaning, filling, and setting up the humidifier! I’d have to do that myself!!
Oh, who am I kidding… I’m not even really permitted to rest when I’m sick (because then who else would cook and clean and take care of the kids?! Not them!) so it’s not anything I’d have to worry about anyway 😅
hfjfnf i WISH my partner would let me not die, but if we have no AC they overheat and we both wake up Soggy, so i go hang out on the futon with all our squishmallows lmao
Because we see sex as the closest of emotional/physical intimacy. We're literally letting you "IN". And while we want it. It winds up feeling shallow & cold. We're giving you what you want, but we're not getting what we need.
This is so true. I wish both partners understood this :(
The male or female views it this way? Are you a woman or man?
Maybe a lot of guys haven’t caught on to this, but there’s a BIG difference between a guy being horny because he’s a guy and guys are horny, and a guy being horny for the woman he loves. In that way, that drive for sex is innately connected to the person that hormones is targeted at. Some women will tell their partners to just go jack off to porn when their horny, but when their that kind of horny, they don’t want to jack off, and they don’t want to go do anything with anyone else, they want to make love to the woman of their dreams, and that’s their partner! That’s why guy’s might take it personally when sex is denied, because they also view it as the most intimate vulnerable way to express love for their partner. It’s like all their positive emotions for you well up inside of them and manifest in a boner. A BONER OF LOVE!!! Of course, their are plenty of toxic and selfish guys, and those traits will manifest in other ways. But, a if you’re with a good man, and he ends up in a state where he’s super horny all the time, it just means he’s in a good place with you, so much so that his whole being is telling him to make babies with you lol. He’s like a puppy! Please be nice to the puppies, and screw the selfish lovers and toxic guys that have ruined the idea that men being horny can come from a wholesome place! Idk if I did a good job of explaining ghat, but I’ve definitely felt both kinds of horny, and they are like night and day. I don’t really know if there’s a female equivalent, but I guess it would be like if you were with a guy and you felt so good, safe, loved, etc. in you’re relationship with him that you wanted to express how comfortable you feel with him. Maybe it’s like if there’s something that really exited you, and you couldn’t wait to talk to him about it later because you wanted to share that thing that you were excited about with him. Idk but I want to figure it out because I don’t think it’s talked about enough.
Men see it the same way. The problem is that's usually the only way they know how to be intimate, so while all they want is sex to feel close, women can feel close in many other ways so it seems shallow.
@@askewopal It doesn't "seem shallow," it IS shallow. If you don't know how to have a basic emotional connection with someone without showing your affection with solely sex, you're shallow. That's kind of the definition of the term.
Feeling like your partner values sex more than you is a really lonely feeling...
Indeed it is!! Been there.
Hope you find a good, healthy partner one day! 🫂
So true. Been there.
Yes it is. I feel like nothing more than a sperm receptacle.
That was my entire 7 yr relationship with my ex fiance. No amount of talking or therapy would make it thru his thick stubborn head.
Oh my yes ! That’s absolutely correct!!!!!!!!
Men on the internet love to make jokes about how their wives won't sleep with them often enough or how they just do it to appease them rather than because they enjoy it too. It's just such an interesting way to insult yourself. Like you're telling me you're bad in bed, emotionally neglect your partner and that you're comfortable with someone having sex with you who doesn't actually want to which is obviously 😬
So many men are fine with people not wanting them- maybe because they don’t want themselves. It’s internalized hatred because what else would you call this self sabotaging behavior 😂
@@number-uz1es Slave owner mentality
@@number-uz1esNarcissism? These kinds of men want sex and don’t care about their partners because they love themselves too much. Don’t try to turn an obvious misogynistic part of society into “Oh Boohoo, men are so mistreated!”
i would call it thoroughgoing disrespect not self sabotage. misogyny and arrogance so deep the guy can’t imagine himself as the root of her lack of interest in having sex. its actually lack of interest in having sex with HIM.
@@changingmymind You could get the same result the other way, so much self-loathing that he can't imagine her ever genuinely being interested in having sex with him.
There is always the problem that a lot of hetro woman don’t get their physical needs met during sex either, so their wanting of sex is there, just not the appetite for what is being served, great way of making your partner seem irritated all the time
Yes, and the usual advice is to try to show him what you really want, but some men take even the gentlest nudge in the right direction as a personal attack on their abilities to satisfy their partner and things can turn nasty quite quickly.
This is so true. Probably because men think their penis is some sort of magic wand, just insert and she's done😂
I want to be horny first. I want to feel like I'm at the maximum relaxation level but restless at the same time. To feel warm and heavy as if my bones are made out of hot lava. Every skin cell of my body in this sweet alertness so the slightest touch sends heatwaves through my body. Even feeling the sheets beneath me on my skin feels like being caressed, so I move around to feel more of it, just like a cat in heat. And then every kiss and every touch sending a firework through my body that explodes between my legs... That's when I'm ready for the magic wand, that's when I'd beg for it. And that's what I would come back for.
But I'm not coming back for some dry spaghetti.
Sounds like trying to get a big juicy burger only to be given a veggie burger that’s the serving size a gourmet chef would think up. Like a quarter sized veggie burger.
Yeah. I wouldn’t be happy either. I’d be fucking pissed and I just wouldn’t even want to eat it. Or if I did, I’d go out and help myself to something else instead. Which is probably why she might be paying more attention to her toy than her partner let’s be real
I have had too many real experiences of that, and have had too many women partners not communicating in bed with the same fear. I think the experience that stands out most for me is when I was holding his (man partner) wrist so that his hand was in the right place, this being after my words were not doing anything and he was “not going to stop until I was done” for him to twist out on my hand overly aggressively, stop everything bec I was taking too long and stopping him from getting to the right place. When I explained that I was helping him be in the right place for me, that I was taking forever bec he asked me not to fake it, then proceeded with everything he liked but almost nothing I did, and was ignoring all my suggestions (I said this as kindly as possible bec I did want to get to the finish line with him after all) he huffed and puffed, turned his back and started to ignore me with his phone, when I got up and took a long shower he then proceeded to start a fight bec I went off and finished myself.
@@qwenabellwynfell9778 It might be even worse than that, it’s more like you are told that if you work, if you grind the meat, clean the dishes and prep the kitchen for the chef to make you something and then sit down and be served that small little veg burger while you watch as that chef sits down and eats with you that big juicy burger you were promised. And if you say anything you get “what?! I gave you a burger! Why are you acting like you need more than me?” When you really just want the same
Yeah tried to tell him exactly that but nope. He said the words “Sex is not all I want!”
And I responded “then show me something else without trying to have sex with me.”
Then he actually grabbed my arm and asked me to have sex with him. I didn’t even have the chance to inhale after my sentence.
Done with life right now.
Oh no :(
I have tried explaining the same to my husband. I have tried being vulnerable and explaining how I felt unseen and disrespected, and how the only time I even get physical attention from him is when he’s trying to initiate s*x… I told him I felt like that’s all he wants, all the time.
The dude literally said, to my face, “That’s not true! Sometimes I want dinner too!”
And that’s when I knew my feelings were just a joke…
You don't need to be done with life. Just be done with him. Pack up your stuff and move on with your life. You don't owe anybody your life. We only get one chance at this thing. If your partner doesn't want to contribute love, care, and respect, then you're not even in a relationship. Get gone.
Hugs to you. He sounds like his emotionally stunted. You need counseling for yourself, but if he’d go, couples counseling too. YOU ARE important enough to support and love yourself through this.
On a sidenote, it’s amazing how men don’t see how unattractive begging is. Ick.
@@whiterabbit6148 why I am single right there.
Sometimes it's also the way they approach having sex. I swear some men think if they've had sex with a person once, then they can skip to the undressing any time they want. It's nice for them that they're in the mood, but if I'm not in the mood (not even in a bad mood or anything, just not thinking of sex right then), feeling me up all of a sudden and telling me I look fuckable is NOT a turn on. Seriously, take my hand, draw me in for a hug, ask what I'm up to, ask if you can kiss me, once, twice, three times, more?. Seriously ASK, being able to express (and if I'm feeling neutral on the subject DECIDE) that I do in fact want a kiss and more is a lot faster than expecting me to just get on board with whatever my partner is feeling. Also do the hug and asking what's up other times too, not just when the mood hits, or it'll stop being sweet and caring, and become clear it's just a tool to get me on board which will break my heart.
Yes, very important: "Ask" entails to be fully accepting of ANY reply you get. And not an invitation to start bargaining and blackmailing when the answer is not what you wanted to hear.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Perfectly describes how my marriage turned out. Plus he decided that my enjoyment didn't matter, and finished in 2-5 seconds max.
@@lynnebucher6537 Horrifying. That is not love and friendship 100 percent. No wonder the world statistics shows that majority of women don't experience orgasm. Depressing and sad. The world is a really sad place for women. A lot of times pure hell.
I see it as they go to 5/10 and want to rev the engine. But ive not been in your head, I'm not hot. Start me at 1 and work me up to 10. If you start at 5 I'm too sensitive and irritable. Add an extra bit of time and you will get jumped by your partner when you hesitate too long on 8.
Sometimes its also how its initiated. For example if i am hand deep in chores, that is NOT the time to get grabby.
Dude! Exactly!
If I’m elbows deep in greasy dishes after cooking dinner for hours, reaching behind me and sliding your hand up my shirt for a boob grab is NOT the way to initiate ANYTHING other than my immediate rage and anger towards you!
Not only does it make me feel disrespected and unvalued in my work as a stay at home mother and wife, it makes me feel like less than a person, and you want me to have s*x with you after treating me like a fidget toy…?
I friggin’ think NOT.
Omg yes! this!
Or morning sex. I like it, but don't wake me out of a dead sleep for it. He hasn't wanted to have sex in three years. Except for the one time, where I got woke out of a dead sleep, for "let's get this over with" sex.
Absolutely this!! Like I've got a pair of rubber gloves on scrubbing the kitchen cupboards whilst the kids are screaming at each other on the other room now is not the time I'm not remotely in the mood for that shit😂
👏🏻 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
This message is totally on point. Who wants to have sex when all day long you've been ignored or treated unkindly. Good sex comes when there's been love, caring, honesty, consideration, and attention outside of the bedroom. What happens outside of the bedroom determines how things will go inside the bedroom.
Eventually, it got to the point in my marriage that it felt like it didn't matter that it was *me* he was having sex with, it could literally have been anyone with a pulse and it would have been all the same to him. When I would try to explain how I was feeling, it was met with the cold shoulder, being emotionally shut out, or being told I was being 'clingy'. He would constantly criticize every little thing I did, even if I did it to the letter how he said to do it. Nothing I did was ever enough, and nothing he did was ever his fault. And yet, he was always surprised, even indignant that I didn't want to have sex at the drop of a hat. After years of trying to get him to listen, I left. You can't love someone enough to do their healing for them, and you deserve better than to be emotionally neglected and abused while they refuse to take accountability or work on bettering themselves.
💯
Well said. So sorry you went through that pain and abuse.
@clovergirl143:
They all seem to act the same. They can't handle discussing anything that needs to be addressed by the female.
This is the narcissist:
She shouldn't have concerns or feelings, only I can because I'm entitled and I'm a covert narcissist and my entitlement was given to me even though I didn't work for it and because im an abuser and a total assh-le.
Me: No narc! ! Bad narc!
I can't give you anything that wasn't earned, especially that.
Agreed a hundred percent. Hugs and love.
YES, this sounds like my ex. Was his name by chance James W? From NY lol. He had issues that he needed to address but no amount of talking or therapy would get him to see some of this was on him too... it was all my fault I needed to be medicated, I needed to get my libido back. He was perfect, he was great, he made no mistakes... Yada Yada yada... I eventually left but now I hate being touched, every touch was a sextual encounter... every hug was a grope, every kiss was a make out with handsiness... i know hate being touched, it just gives me the ick now...
Nurturing your partnership and friendship with your spouse is just as important as sex.
Sex isn't a shortcut to create intimacy; it's an expression of the intimacy that already exists within the relationship.
This. I feel like we're gaslit into thinking that this is a only a woman's perspective and men view/experience sex differently but I think that just coddles men. And if it comes down to it, men need to (sincerely) meet us where we're at because we risk so much more in every sexual encounter.
Yeah no.
Without sex there is no relationship.
@@DBSSTEELER
Nah.
Without the RELATIONSHIP there is no relationship. Sex without intimacy isn't a real relationship. Trying to create a emotional intimacy out of a sexual relationship is way more of a gamble than starting a sexual relationship out of emotional intimacy. No one's trying to take away your nut, we're just saying the baseline should be that the nut should be resultant from intimacy and not the other way around.
@DBSSTEELER Then how do your friendships work? Or your relationships with family? They work, even though sex is not part of your relationship with them, correct?
Then *why* would you deprive your partner of the same emotional connections you give to your other loved ones? Sex is not a substitute.
Being married to a narcissist isn't worth your time or effort. I tried for years... I finally realized what I was dealing with.
Could you do a video on “consent thresholds”. Like, “I only want to cuddle but not more than that” or “I just feel like kissing but I’m not in the mood for s*x”.
How to communicate these thresholds and when one partner doesn’t respect them.
❤
Leave. Because that is s-assault
@@ineedhoez I did. 15 years ago.
@@Rainalotgood for you, you should be proud of yourself. Those relationships can be manipulative and hard to leave. ❤
Omg, I literally had an ex boyfriend who told me he hated when I asked to cuddle, or make out, but not have sex. He said it was confusing because he didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know how to tell him at the time that I just wanted non penetrative intimacy.
Truth truth truth. I ended my relationship bcos of this and he was just so bewildered. After a whole year of my telling him in explicitly clear language that i was unhappy. There are real consequences for dismissing your partners feelings. Not listening is a real deal breaker. Men really need to understand this.
Smart you are! And it appears you had a healthy upbringing? Hooray! I didn’t so all of my romantic partners turned out to be narcissists.
Women who grew up in an abusive household would be begging for “crumbs” in this situation. (I always did.) In fact she would be punished for asking for the fan to be turned off. I know. I was that abused woman who almost died in 2006 with influenza (my husband ignored me because “that’s what I would want Kat”). Well the flu has now disappeared and has became Covid. My ex has moved far far away and now I have become happy.
You did him a favor.
Speaking with other girl mates and from my own experience on this, i think its because a fair amount of guys only care for their own gratification. They are trying to sprint during a marathon, hardly any foreplay and rushing to put it in and it can be incredibly painful/uncomfortable if your body just isnt ready for the act. Its a real turn off when you repeatedly feel like your needs during dont matter.
100%. It's typically done when the man is done. Dunno if guys just... Forget? That women finish too?? (Specifically talking about a straight relationship. But it's not fair to your partner no matter what if you decide it's done just because you got to the finish line. If you're done help your partner out!!!)
Those men are really missing out, too. They don't realize how much better the experience is for both people when the woman is really enjoying herself.
Yes how do you stick a dry popsicle into a dry hole?? That's fun. Why does anyone watch porn? Don't you want to get better? Be good?
@@WeartheGoodSocks I think men tend to also forget how good sex was at the start of the relationship, when both parties were enthusiastic. They both enjoyed it much more. But when the enthusiasm is gone, they don't want to put in the work to bring it back. They selfish about it.
I just had to put my foot down and say no quickies, were doing right or were not doing it, because I've stopped enjoying it.
Like I agree I'd like to have a quickie and have it feel good, because the less time and energy it takes, the more often we can do it. But when I can't feel anything, or it hurts, that's a lonely feeling to push through just for your partner.
Thank you for trying to explain this to other guys. I’m glad someone gets it. Your wife probably feels very loved.
I didn't always get it, but I hope I can teach guys that it's worth it to redirect their efforts towards something that really helps the relationship =)
I’m not a man and I’m not married but I watch your videos completely because I think they’re important and in hopes they reach the people they need to reach
Yup yup yup said it better than I ever could. And it gets even worse if he starts acting mopey for not getting sex, but then proceeds to ignore you in other facets of your relationship...
Not just mopey, but like a spoiled kid that didn't get his way.
Every woman has two body counts
"Number of guys she's slept with"
and
"Number of guys she's slept with that didn't involve hours or days of argument and guilt tripping"
For me the number is like a 5-1 ratio. Because if a woman isn't into you, threatening to beat up her friends or shoot up a building or kill yourself will coerce her but it isn't going to make you more attractive
Yup, my ex pulled this BS after several yrs you just lay there and don't say no. You pretend your into it, because you just don't want to deal with his tantrum because you didn't want to. Deal with him not talking to you, ignoring you, purposely leaving ridiculous messes and having the kids play messenger... it's was just ridiculous.
Or runs out and finds a bimbo.....my wife just doesn't understand me and my neeeeeds!
Guess what mood i am not in after being awake taking care of kids since 530/6am? A sexy one. If one more person touches me i will vomit my skin off and run away because my personal space is non-existent.
Maybe give your partner a break, do something nice, have a conversation with them, get up earlier to help with the kids before work, help with housework or KEEP YOUR OWN FUGGIN SCHEDULE and stop putting it all on them to keep organized. Then theyll probably wanna feck you because they actually have the energy for it.
In other words you don’t love or desire your husband, he’s a pack animal you have working for you to pay your bills.
@@DBSSTEELER lmfao 😂😂😂😂 nah I'm the one saving him thousands of dollars in childcare, house cleaning, having a personal assistant to make sure he's on time and aware of his schedule. Because I work 24/7/365, he gets to come home and play video games and relax. He gets vacation time. He gets days off. I promise you the boy is fine with this arrangement. The last one we had, I was at work 18 hours a day and home long enough to get my kids to and from school, so I deserve a " (lmfao) break."
If you're mad I can give you his Venmo and you can break him free from the restraints of BEING A FATHER AND PARTNER. Tf? Lolol
And in the morning at 5:30, when you're just out of the shower and going to a 12 hour shift....
Tried multiple times, in multiple ways to explain to my ex: You can't ignore me all week, then expect me to fall into bed with you. If the only time you show me affection, is when you want my body, I feel used.
You ARE being used. That is not a good person to be around.
@@ivanastankovic275 That's o e of the reasons we're divorced. He couldn't stop focusing on himself.
You are spot on! Hubby and I are in our 50s and having the best sex of our lives. We have the tough talks and now that the kids are on their own way, we are reconnecting and finding ways to refocus on us. Love your channel!
Oh my gosh! Love this!!
Maybe she feels like it’s a purely physical act because you can engage with her body but you run from her heart and soul.
Sometimes it’s all about the approach. I want to feel wooed and desired and not feel like I’m doing a chore or a favor.
Men become a chore and refuse to see that. Honey... I just spent 18 hours dealing with LIFE. I just want a few hours of sleep BUT, you just got 6 hours of sleep while I dealt with our household chores... NO! I don't want sex.
Where have I heard I’m not a Little Caesar’s pizza all hot and ready 😂
It is actually very enlightening to hear all of your comments. As a single virgin in her 30s, I often long for marriage, but when I read things like this, reality hits and I am very happy to be single. 😅
Same here!!
My fiancé (now my ex) got extremely angry with me when I didn't want to because I was SICK. And I don't mean herdacht, I mean high fever, puking, barely able to move sick. He told me it was a "female power move" and I was treating our intimacy as a power game in which I always had to win. I could only whisper "look who's talking" before he took what he thought was rightfully his. He refused to talk about it or apologise after. I left and never looked back. He stalked me for a while and still doesn't think he did anything wrong.
I have a naturally high libido, by the way. Before I got sick we were at it sometimes three times a day. Nothing was ever good enough for this person. It was toxic.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I'm very sorry, hope he removes himself from your life and stays there
Omg sweetheart he should be in jail
I'm so happy you got a chance to be sick. Sometimes, things we hate lead us to info we wouldn't have found out in any other way
He sexually assaulted you against your consent when you were sick? Hold cow! I'm so terribly sorry that creep was neither raised right by their parents, nor their peers nor society, to get that sorted out before you had to suffer through this. Congratulations on saving yourself!
I wish guys were listening. There are other reasons and one is “that at the moment, I don’t feel pretty or sexy or attractive” and whether that’s in my head or not, it’s real. Perhaps if he made me feel that way , it wouldn’t be a problem. Hmmm
This is spot on!
Nah it's not guys fault at all. Maybe he wants sex more than you do
@@brendanbudniak2261 What do you mean it's not the guys fault?
It might not be his "fault" that she doesn't feel appreciated or attractive at the moment, but he could still make the situation better.
He has an opportunity to step up and connect with her, express is appreciation for her, hear her our, help her with anything that is in the way of relaxing the mood and so on... If he doesn't take that opportunity to make her feel respected, appreciated and loved, because it's too much of a hassle, then he also doesn't really want sex with her that much. If he really wanted to love her and be intimate with her, then he would have to participate in creating the right preconditions to make it a relaxing experience for both of them.
@@brendanbudniak2261not a good look that you’re in here trying to argue with a bunch of women sharing their experiences. Incel ahh behavior
@@brendanbudniak2261then maybe he shouldnt be in a relationship with someone whose love language is completely different to yours.
Spot on. And you can lie there waiting for him to finish so you can attend to the crying toddler he doesn't even hear. And he gets cross when you tell him to hurry up. And he gets so in the moment that he forgets about you. Having to engage his brain to do what youve previously instructed him spoils it for him. Yes ive left him, thx for asking
Poor guy lol. You seem so sweet and fun
Was that the right choice considering you got a child?
@@mark9294yes I guess, considering that she was raising the kid by herself anyways
Yes. No child should have to see that kind of relationship modeled for them and no one should have to put up with a partner like that. @@mark9294
@@mark9294Even if she was married, she was a single mom. Leaving him just meant one less mouth to feed, one less person to clean up after, and one less baby whining to her.
I’ve only seen a handful of your videos, but you have been 100% on target with every one! I’m a 52 yo woman and sooo appreciative your work. I’ve been married unhappily for 26 years and almost got divorced because my husband didn’t understand/ was taught/ modeled.
Keep up the great work. Men need to understand our perspective in order for us(men and women) to have a real PARTNERSHIP. Thank you
For the majority of them is better to pay for hookers. Normal women are not for them. I don't even know why they want to get married or be in a relationship in the first place. Just pay for services such as sex, cooking and cleaning. At least you're living honestly.
I’ve heard it said “foreplay begins outside the bedroom.” Meaning everything you did that day/week leading up to the initiation determines if it’s gonna happen and how well it will go. Did you listen to her? Ask about her day? Comfort her when she was sad? Cekebrate her accomplishments? Take care of what she asked you to? Did you talk to her for ANY reason other than to get some, since coming home?
A woman needs to feel emotionally connected to you before she can physically connect. Otherwise it literally feels like you’re having sex with a stranger.
Yup. And my husband was so confused about why I didn't want sex anymore. We talked about it the night before, that we were going to get the babies to bed earlier and spend time together. I was finishing up Xmas shopping for everyone and I come home to him playing video games. It was late and the kids hadn't been fed. I even asked him to cook dinner since it was taking longer than I expected. I couldn't even enjoy my dinner. I had to keep stopping to get the kids cleaned and in bed. I had to. He ate his food and watched a show. And didn't understand why I didn't want sex anymore. Like, wtaf?! Ya know
How did you treat the kids......
@@jennidesilva5995 referring to me or to hubby...?
That’s is me, it starts outside the bedroom. I don’t need flowers or anything major .It is the little things that money cannot buy that get me going,how you treat me or talk to me ,that affection, touch here and there,attention. Sharing household duties, cooking, putting your clothes in the washing basket. My bar is that low but alas no one gets it.
this! for me it’s also about safety. i need to know that you actually value me before im willing to give parts of myself away to you
This is so applicable to other relationships too, like a friend or family member who only gets in contact when they need something from you rather than to genuinely check in or invite you to something fun, and you end up feeling used and under appreciated. But I have no idea how to work this out.
After years of being a people pleaser and ending up feeling totally used and depleted the way I work it out is simply to remove the takers from my life (or at least minimise contact)... And focus on learning to love and value myself instead. I feel so much happier for it!
My sweetie will stop the ask or the act just to make sure I'm in the mood and comfortable. The fact that he cares so much about both of us "feeling it" made me actually "feel it" so much more over the years. And there's no faking his commitment to this.
My ex would accept a "not now" but would definitely be a bit pouty. I know he was wrestling with his disappointment, but I could still feel it, and it affected my desire for intimacy with him.
Maybe this will help dispel part of the mystery.
I knew it got bad when my constant go to excuse was “I’m sick” or “I’m tired” and he wouldn’t take no for a simple answer. Men like that are exhausting and I’ve been happier since dropping that dead weight.
I remember for so long I capitulated and let him have sex with me. I had to calculate how often I could tell him no before I had to say yes again or else he’d pitch a fit. I don’t think I ever once actually wanted sex with him… I justified letting it happen because I wanted him to be happy even if I would be miserable. And then he’d complain that I wasn’t active enough even though when I tried to touch him he just pushed me away… I’m so glad I’m not with him anymore
This is all true, buuuut....sometimes it's the sex. If it isn't fun for her, it becomes a chore... Foreplay starts in the kitchen. Being attentive, helpful, kind, fun is really important. If she goes to bed feeling tired and frustrated night after night, she doesn't feel like having sex with the person who doesn't seem to care, or like or value her.
For most Women romance isn't just foreplay it is being valued, cherished, appreciated, cared for and supported. That happens in different ways. You have to know the love language that addresses a couple of her needs. But- if you are doing things solely to GET BACK SOMETHING- that is a HUGE TURN OFF. For many Women they need to feel contented before they can feel ready for physical intimacy. Where as many Men need physical intimacy to feel contented. Partners need to understand that both sides need their feelings validated. Not necessarily at the same time for the same reasons. But at some point. (And yes, sometimes Women don't understand what they're feeling.😂)
I was starting to realize i was asexual, but stopped looking into it because my boyfriend at the time seemed hurt at the idea. It ended for different reasons, but man, my body was making itself sick to get out of intimacy.
For men, sex is a way of connecting. For women, it’s confirmation of an existing connection. I want my man when I already feel emotionally in sync and when he’s pulling equal weight as a partner.
To me it's a way of connecting and I'm a female.
@@SpecialBlanket Yes, you, my dear, mus learn the difference between "talking about trends and majorities" vs "talking about individuals". Aka your personal experience by no means invalidates what the previous commenter said.
Don’t forget if you have any kind of trauma in that regard, it’s pretty easy to not want to do it as much. It doesn’t have to be something your partner does at all. Sometimes your body could instinctively feel the urge to flee at the mere thought of doing that if it’s a hard emotional day. Communication about that is so important, and having your partner understand and respect that feels so nice, I personally nearly burst into tears, I got so emotional in a good way 🤣
I resonate with every reason you stated. AND I shared those reasons. The response I got was “it’s reciprocal. I can’t be emotionally intimate with you if you’re not sexually intimate with me. I can’t even be around you if you don’t want sex because I’ve been denied it for too long”
(2-3 weeks, for reference)
This was a year ago and I still feel like I need to fake-want sexual intimacy if I want to receive emotional connection.
And I honestly don’t know if that’s wrong or “just the way it is” as I’ve read numerous times that women should just have a go at it with sex, even if not in the mood, for sake of the relationship.
That's straight up manipulation and abuse. You deserve better.
Guys do need physical intimacy for emotional connection. So, yeah, it is reciprocal. The last thing a marriage needs is denial or ransom held on either side to withhold what the other needs. (I know it can't be 100%, all the time, but wanting to be the thing you are in an exclusive covenant about is both your roles) Husbands can't go to others for these physical needs, that'd be cheating. You are the ONE place to get those needs met. If you can't get sex at home from the woman you committed to, married, love, & desire sex from, then what? It is soul-crushing for a man to be denied sex from his wife. Both of you have needs and the desire to meet those needs has to come from both directions.
@@dennisflax you know what people actually *need* ? Food, water, and shelter. And yet people still have to work to pay for access for those things. If men will literally die if they can't have sex with their wives, you'd think they would be more willing to put in the effort required to make their wives want to have sex with them.
@@dennisflax I will never let a man tell me that sex is a need. I was told that was a lie to get you to sleep with men back in health class, and i believe it to this day. It's a want and desire, not something you're entitled too.
Bruh not to mention the number of women in heterosexual relationships who just are not getting their sexual needs met in any way. I've heard absolute horror stories from my friends about lack of foreplay, always the same foreplay, he thinks it's over cuz he's done, he won't try anything new, he doesn't want any scenario where she has more control, partners dismissing it when she say she's not ready (lubricated enough) or that is hurts, ect.
Yup... you just suck it up and deal with it because he truly doesn't care. Even when h you talk afterwards he views 2 hrs of forplay as ridiculous and that kills the mode for him... yeah all about him. Men need to understand sex is an emotional reaction. If we are having issues the 1st thing that goes is the sex...
Absolutely. And one can find so many "courses" online for women on "how to enjoy sex even if your partner has no idea what to do" and "how to make your man happy in sex", but so little programs, which would teach men how to behave in bed. Every first one thinks that if they watched a single pron movie in their life, they are 100% sex experts forever 🤦🤦🤦 More over, sometimes itis just enough to listen to your partner and do what they want! 🤦
One of the most ridiculous bed stories, which happened to me.
He, after 2 minutes of sex, indignantly: You haven't come yet!
Me: Yes, let's continue
He: You want to humiliate me! In movies for adults all actresses already come after such time!
Me: They are actresses and these are movies, not reality.
He: But you could have played like you're coming out of courtesy, so I would not feel vulnerable!
I got absolutely speechless and left that bed forever.
With my ex husband, sex became my job. I felt less and less human.
Yep. That's why me and my ex broke up. Got to the point when I felt repulsion from even kissing him.
We were long distance and when we met after almost a year of not seeing each other, I wanted to spend time together, go for a walks, etc. And he wanted to touch me all the time. Like, no sir. We need to build back emotional connection and have no idea how much time it'll take.
It wasn't the first time we fought about it, but it was last. For him, sexual activities of different kinds is the most important part of relationships, even if he said it's not. He still acted like that. And for me sex is the last. I need a person.
So we broke up somewhere around our 2year dating anniversary. It was about half a year ago, but I still feel overprotective and ready to aggressively (verbally) protect my boundaries when it comes to anything even close to the topic.
When I was married, maybe a few years in, I felt that I was having sex with a stranger.
Not doing other things together and not having good communication, fights, don’t help at all.
I would cry after it, and try to hide it, because what is the point of explaining if he was going to get all defensive and not change…
But I believe it’s possible with both are working towards fulfilling each other’s needs and wants!🙏💗
How would a man feel if the wife only spoke to him if she wanted his credit card or wanted him to take out the trash? It's called manipulation and no one likes that. It's about respect. Respect is men's love language. They should get it.
I actually don't feel like this with my partner (he's one of the only ones who sits with my pain), but I do feel like this towards my mom/dad/sister. Same responses of "you're making a big deal out of nothing", "just get over it" and then they later come to me and want closeness (more like emotional labour for their problems).
Thanks for pointing out the extra emotional neglect and loneliness after I reach out to them and get those distant responses. I think this applies to all relationships, but it makes sense that it manifests in romantic relationships first.
I want to point out that I receive this treatment even from other women and it's more of a low EQ thing. Some women can be high EQ in other areas (like socially navigating) but really low EQ in others (like supporting someone else or listening to them or not dismissing them). Girls can suck a lot too.
Sir with all due respect truly thank you! I believe with every single bit of my heart & soul that me accidentally getting on tiktok &it popping your video up was a gift from God!
I'm going through some very trying times & then some more pops up then more then More! Most importantly though is that even though I don't voice things in the eloquent way that you do I've been saying this things for well over 14 years now..& this point in my life I've hit a snag a real crossing so I'm wondering If I seen these to know that I am important & I am worth the effort & that I need to learn to try to love myself mo matter what body dysmorphia, panic disorder, Multiple Sclerosis, Narcolepsy, agoraphobia & can't gain weight issue... but that even though I have all those things I'll be worth the respect that I give! I'm so glad I ran across your page!!!
I love this Lauren! Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing. I’m sorry it’s been a tough road, you’re absolutely worthy of respect and kindness!!! I pray you always know that :) praying for you 🙏
I woukd not have sex with my first husband when he over worked me. By over worked me mesns working 16-20 hours a day on the farm. Those four hours are mine not yours. I know you had a four hour break when your friends came over and i had to have a four course meal cooked from scratch. I also know you went to bed four hours earlier so you have had your rest. I also know i get up two hours earlier before you and you're rested. You never helped out because it is all womens work. No sex.
Second husband no better. I would give him no sex if i still have a bruise anywhere on my body because he had beat me. I evenvtold him. His response beat me and then try to rape me. How did that go when i told him not to do it again? He did. I got a restraining order for life. No beatings & no sex. Good enough for me. Been 20+ years. No sex equals no drama & not seeing the ER equals tranquility.
I'm so sorry you went through that... :(
Thank you I thought I was going crazy because he makes me feel like I am wrong when I tell him that he only touches me in certain ways or at all unless he wants some I have explained this to him in the beginning of the relationship and now I just am silent about my feelings and I used to be very vocal about my feelings. We have been together for 20 years.😢
I don't mean to input ofc but it doesn't sound like he deserves you if you tried multiple times to communicate that with him. :c
@@emmawood9219 Thank you. I am starting to understand that now.
Girl if he’s not even willing to _negotiate_ with you when you are risking being vulnerable with your feelings like this (that’s the bare minimum!), he doesn’t respect you, or your needs. You deserve so much better than that. I’m not sure if I am intruding or not but if you’ve said something more than once or twice, he’s not going to change. Love isn’t going to fix him because he doesn’t feel it in depth the way you do, especially if he still treats you like this 20 years later. I can’t emphasize enough that basic consideration is exactly that, basic, basic communication in a healthy relationship. I hope either he straightens up his ass for your relationship or you find the courage to find something better to spend time on.
@@Sierra-ft9xv good for you.
When the last time yous had a weekend away together just you and him? Whens the last time yous made an effort to have a romantic or fun night? Maybe something different needs to happen in the relationship, or maybe yous have gotten comfortable with how this scenario is for too long and now he dont see a problem? Maybe both of you need to experience something together that yous havent before. Could be scuba diving, or hiking a beautiful scenery, or even paragliding! Something adventurous? I hope you can find a way to work it out, as 20years with someone is alot of time together.
I had to break up with mine. But I remember when I always hurt after work. The footrubs and backrubs almost always got me there. But sometimes he would do that and let me nap. THEN I was ready. I felt better all the way for all that emotional and physical caring.
Oh my god… that’s me and my ex.
He didn’t understand any of this… him being kind to me was finishing quickly, so there was no kiss, no cuddle, but just IT IN while I count numbers and looking at ceiling…
Your video brought back me the sad memories….
Thank god we are not together anymore 🎉
Did you tell him you wanted to cuddle? Did you tell him you wanted more kisses? So you counted numbers? So did you show him you were into it or that you just didn't like to be close to him? What would have made it better? Were you just not attracted to him or turned on? Did it not feel good
Non sexual affection all but disappears after the honeymoon phase, but sexual affection is expected to remain the same or grow stronger. Continue to date your partner with honeymoon phase non sexual affection, and the sexual affection can be regained. LEARN THE VALUE OF NON SEXUAL AFFECTION. LEARN IT, PRACTICE IT, GIVE IT THE SAME PRIORITY AS SEX.
I feel the same way except that it is women not wanting affection. Just attention but only for the woman and no physical affection except once in a blue moon when it is necessary for her to feel attention.
I hate it.
@@zs9652yeah but I’m a girl and I literally just want attention from my husband and it feels like he doesn’t care anymore 😢
As a woman I can tell you that sometimes during my marriage I felt that the only reason he wanted me was for the sex. Did I was just an object for him. I wasn't a person I wasn't somebody he loved. He didn't care about my feelings... I've truly felt alone
Make your wife feel emotional safe/ secure is absolutely the key to a healthy relationship which results in a healthy sex life. I don’t care who it bothers a man is the protector and that’s not just physical safety but emotional safety. If you do that your wife will be much happier!
You are very wise :) It's quite simple really, isn't it? If only more men knew this
Yes though frankly, as a woman I want that corrected. It bothers me. Because I'm not having it. If my male partner doesn't understand how he needs to protect AND doesn't understand how I'm protective of him, it's just not gonna work out. Men and women are equally tasked with protection. There's just been a lot of misunderstanding on what types of protections they are and how the whole point of partnership is to start inching closer on learning from the other how theirs works.
Nice to see there a men who treat women with emotional intelligence.
Know this:
There are more men who abuse women then men who don’t.
@@KatWoodland You're probably right about that! I'm single and the longer I'm single for the happier I feel!
@@stepintoyourpower I enjoy your spirit! I imagine that someday you probably will meet somebody but not online dating. Avoid anything that comes over the computer and apps. A real man will find you in real life.
Amen and amen. Got to the point that I was so neglected that I would initiate just to feel something like love.
I’m so sorry :(
Or initiate just to avoid the reoccurring argument.
I think it helps if men understand that for many women, foreplay starts the moment you wake up and not 10 minutes before the act.
Maybe sit down and ask your wife, "I feel rejected when you seem annoyed that I want to have sex. Do you not enjoy having sex with me?" and then be quiet and just listen to her answer.
I think that could be really helpful if you really want to know the answer.
I heard a long time ago that when it comes to sex, men just need a place, but women need a reason.
So true.
I’m praying for every marriage to be healthy, genuine and thriving 🙏🙏🙏
This is a super tough one, it requires both parties to peel back the layers and communicate what they need to feel loved. It also requires both parties to be willing to work at it and it requires some grace. You need to be understanding if your needs aren't being met in the short term because of some outside force and the other party needs to be aware of this as well, so it can be acknowledged and appreciated, reciprocated.
this can happen but sometimes its not that deep. for some reason a lot of men these days seem to think "i want to have sex more often"/"we dont have enough sex" is a reasonable substitute for any effort. like, did you flirt with her? when is the last time you went out or did something special? what got her aroused when you first started dating and did you try that? if youre just coming home, hopping in your pjs, and plopping on the couch, you shouldnt be wondering why she isnt all over you
Last night, my husband asked if I wanted a certain seggsual act, and I said "not particularly"...he then chastised me for saying "not particularly" instead of "no" because it hurt his feelings. The end. ☠️
This is why one of my exes laid out two words for the conversation- one for "I'm not into it but if you like that I'm open" and one for "nope. Turn the lights back on, this is absolutely not happening"
@@PrincessNinja007😂what we’re the two words?
@@myacrylicjourney624 I like using green, yellow and red. Green is good to go. Yellow is convince me. Red is hell no, don't ever ask again.
@PrincessNinja007 The act was not the issue.
ok, the video talked about validating your partner's emotions, listening to them and that but, pff hahaha 🤣
I burst out laughing right there
Low key wanna send this to my ex because this is exactly how I felt in that relationship, I brought it up numerous times and 6 months after the break up he texted me like “what did i do wrong”
I think some women like myself enjoy sex, but it has to come with a certain level of emotional connection or it just feels like being used and discarded. The use and discard is a pretty common issue with men, unfortunately. They get sex, and then retreat into video games or tv, or just go to sleep or leave the connection altogether. This doesn't fulfill the woman's needs in any way whatsoever. But especially if he is satisfying his own needs sexually and not hers. Then he is just a disappointment...
Some men are abusive and sex with them is unsatisfying on so many levels. My ex insulted me one time during sex and I never had sex with him again.
Yes, a lot of the time it has to do with an emotional reason when it comes to a woman. But you can't forget that a lot of times it's also the way wanting sex is being approached. I used to get annoyed when my ex would want sex because he always came at me the wrong way. Did things I didn't like. And in turn, that made me feel unheard as well..
Although it was said in jest, keep in mind the reason why someone would have a dream that their other half was mean to them is because that's the way they feel during their conscious state. They're only expressing these feelings in their dreams because their mind is free to do so without retaliation
Nah I had a dream where a friend stabbed me because when my brain said "there's someone in the doorway with a knife" it just got filled in with the only person who would be in my house at 3am
You're genuinely really helpful for some men out there, in a world where everyone often finds it hard to be sociable it's likely they won't receive this kind of advice from their peers. So thanks for being the stepping stone for improvement for the mens out there
Oof. Yup. My ex would bring up and start fights about sex often, in the last year or two of our relationship.
Fghting about it, and feeling pressured around it, made me not even want to HUG him, let alone have sex.
My dad had died and i was super depressed.. Also i went no contact with my abusive mom, and my sister got mad and stopped talking to me in retaliation.. so i was NOT in the mood for sex, & bro had zero empathy or understanding.
The irony of being with a guy like that, and asking him for foreplay or to reciprocate the stuff he asks for
"Well anytime someone asks me for it, it makes it so I don't want to do it anymore"
Zero sense of irony there
And yeah, you start getting really non-touchy because anything you give them becomes sex
Yeah my libido has been shaped by years of "we're having sex because it doesnt last as long as arguing about it"
By the time you get to a point where you COULD conceivably be in the mood, you've already had so much obligation sex that you're already worn out on it
🎯 "...maybe she feels alone..."
if you feel MORE ALONE when he’s home than when he’s gone - IT ain’t gonna happen!
Another problem I've noticed is when my partner wants to be intimate he already IS in the mood and I'm usually still cleaning, doing something else or in my mind getting over something that worries me. I'm not mentally checked in. So I first would have to GET IN the mood, yet often it's too much to ask for my partner to help me with that or at least be patient enough for me to get there. He already had his time to get there, but why do I not get this time?
This is an extremely valid point.
"She doesn't even understand all of them." This is very true, and I love the way you said this! People are complicated, and it's important to recognize and accept it. It's okay not to fully understand oneself; understanding ourselves is an ongoing project that all of us are going through for the duration of our lives. Giving our partners space for the times when we're confused and uncertain is I think a huge piece of respect.
These videos are all lightbulb moments for me! Thank you for them, they have helped me sooo much to leave my emotionally avoidant and abusive partner.
I haven't had sex with him in two years and I told him I never will again. I am trying to move out and move on. I refuse to f someone who's thoroughly okay with abusing me in every way a person can be abused. So, celibacy is the life for me. I don't ever want to have sex with a man again. It's sad to say that at 35 but I spent two decades of my life sexually active and in relationships and didn't focus on myself and my life. I'm happy I have my son, that I get to experience motherhood but that's it. I'm just done.
I’m a 33 year old woman and I am sorry that you experienced that. I don’t have children, but I do know the pain of losing time that wasn’t spent focusing on your own goals and self betterment. Just wanted to send a virtual hug 🤗 ❤
Because its not about being with her. She feels like its another chor requirement, because that's all we ever feel like we are seen. Fulfilling someone else's needs.
It's like if your wife was only nice to you when she wanted money.
Right. Exactly. Now what we do with this information is to empathize with others and do our best to communicate our feelings boundaries clearly. Do you feel like your wife cares about your feelings?
Nah. At least with money you actually know what the problem is meanwhile you can ask her 100 times what's wrong and she'll still be like 'I'm fine'
@@brendanbudniak2261 I'm sorry you feel so unappreciated. Have you thought about counciling? It is true that because women are humans, women can also be bad at expressing their feelings and saying what they think. Part of it is social programming, but beside the point. You do have the right to set boundaries. Do you feel like you understand her feelings about things?
@@rakashael I don't feel appreciated lol.
And that has nothing to do with setting boundaries
Are you sure you wouldn't benefit from setting boundaries and sitting down to really talk to your partner about how and why you feel unappreciated? Or are you trying to just get out of your relationship? Which is understandable, if you feel unheard, you have a right to be happy. It seems perhaps I asked the question incorrectly, but does your partner talk about her feelings to you? Do you feel like you understand her?@@brendanbudniak2261
Some time’s perimenopause can play a role as well. HRT changed my life in this area and things are normal again ☺️
After 25 years of marriage and at age 46 my husband is often amazed anytime he propositions me I say yes. He says other guys complain they never get to have s*x anymore. I say well you treat me like a princess in the bedroom. So thoughtful & giving. You treat me like an equal outside of the bedroom. We have had our ups & downs. There have been real disconnects & issues. Many times he didn’t realize. But as I watch these videos and communicate my feelings more honestly he steps up more and more. Thanks Jimmy.
This can also be a stereotype. It’s often that men withhold sex from their wives, leaving them frustrated and feeling unwanted. How about addressing that?
My husband and I struggled a lot over the last 3-4 years of our relationship. Sex was infrequent and he’d complain that he felt gross because he could tell I wasn’t into it. It was a painfully obvious symptom of our marriage falling apart.
The moment we decided to put our egos aside and work on things in earnest, the sex was better. WAY better. And more frequent. I literally can’t leave him alone. We’ve delved into kinks together. I feel safe to be disgusting with him 🥵
You can’t approach fixing things by starting with sex. When the communication and connection is strong, the sex you want will follow naturally.
Lack of emotional connection. Lack of mutual partnership. No romance. No affection during the day. Feeling unheard. Seeing you as another of her children. Feeling like she has outgrown you.
I have been known to "withhold" because after waking up at 5am, Getting kids ready for school, Fighting traffic, Working all day, Grocery shopping, Doing all the chores, Homework and dinner, Is and barely having enough time to take a shower, I am way too tired at the end of the day to put that effort in.. lol Truth be told
That ending had me chuckling!
I've experienced also two other reasons:
1) the birth of my first child was traumatic, we needed an emergency C-section that left me physically hurt for weeks and emotionally confused. I couldn't trust my body for months after that and this made me feel unable to let someone else manipulate my body, particularly my reproductive system.
2) exhaustion. Having a baby and a toddler as a SAHM meant I never had time off. Doing all the housework, grocery shopping, cooking and looking after our children was so tiring that often I physically didn't have any energy left to even get aroused. All I wanted was sleep and rest and maybe cuddle and being hold, after having to emotionally provide the whole day to our children. I know several women who had phases they were just physically too exhausted for sex and this of course also happens to men.
There's also other reasons I can think of: depression, sexual abuse (sometimes victims are fine until something their partner does triggers a memory of the trauma that until then was buried well behind a thick defense wall and after that it becomes impossible to put the memory back behind the wall), emotional pain due to a loss, anxiety disorders, lack of appropriate privacy due to the housing condition, thyroid problems, gynecological issues that cause pain during or after intercourse, hormonal imbalances.
I'm reading all these comments about self-centered sex and how it treats the "partner" like an object without meeting her needs and I'm just thinking, man, somehow I *nailed* this feeling in my fic where Loki's talking with the Hulk about how it feels to be used without any consideration about your own feelings or desires.
“And it’s… it’s using someone like a tool. Using their body, without including them. Without caring about their choices or their pleasure, just your own.”
hit the nail on the head! when you don't feel your partner emotionally anymore, libido is quick to die down
My ex husband was a Gen-X with an old country boy mentality- i.e. it's a woman's job to do all of the house work and raise the kids while the man smokes cigarettes and drinks coffee before hopping on the tractor. Except, he no longer was on gran'papa's farm; instead, we lived in a condo in the city. In his head, it was my job to do all of the "woman's" work after I got home from work, while he sat on the couch smoking, drinking, and playing video games. He was constantly in between jobs but since raising kids was "woman's" work, I dropped our toddler off at daycare before work and picked him back up after I got off of work. I would get home, cook dinner, feed and then play with our son for a little bit before bedtime-meanwhile the husband played his video games and waited for me to get done with my chores. One night, around 1030, I was very tired and just had to finish up the last load of laundry before I could crawl into bed, my husband asked why I never gave him s*x anymore. Furious was not the right word for how I felt. I look back now realizing that I had married a child with a 1950s attitude and a 1990s affinity for electrics whom I lost all physical attraction with and rather disgusted by at the time of our divorce.
Yess! This. It's never like I didn't like sex, but when he started treating me worse and worse, my body just didn't want to get intimate with him anymore. I was kind of even grossed out by his overall behaviour towards me, but I still slept with him regularly (and even at the end, 3-4 rounds per weekend were not enough to him). Needless to say, I left
Yup the basis for good intimacy is creating one that’s non sexual first and making sure her needs are met then the rest comes on its own
The whispering 😂
She's annoyed or no longer attracted is my experience ("she" is myself and my female friends). Also, women have the same feelings of not being lusted after as well. Communication and honesty are the only way to "input" the information 😅
I always think the male equivalent to women not liking only feeling valued by sex and their appearance is like how men might feel when they have money.
Like yeah sure it's nice that you have money and I'm sure you are happy that you can give that to your wife and you're happy that she goes to YOU for that and relies on YOU for that....But at the same time if she's only going to come to you for that or only show you the love you want if it's for that...then eventually you're going to start to feel like "but damn , I'm much more than just my money. Why do I only feel of value to you when you need that thing from me? Do I not mean anything else to you than money?"
If she is only friendly to you and happy with you when you give her money, it's not a nice feeling right? It's the same with sex I feel like🤷🏼♀️
I think a man could understand the terrible feeling of ONLY being wanted for sex. It doesn’t need a comparison with something else. There’s a difference between getting all the sex you want vs being only valued for sex. nobody enjoys that doesn’t matter how much they like sex . no one wants to feel used.
Some years ago i had my first severe depressive episode and my sex drive along with my will to live plummeted. My then partner had all kinds of thoughts and complaints about this. Every time he would talk about how he has needs and how he wants/needs sex it made me feel like he just wanted sex, it had nothing to do with me ir wanting sex with me. all i could think is: does he want me to pretend im a live blow up doll?
Feeling like he doesn't care about my mental, physical, or emotional needs while also insisting I have sex with him feels so awful. Like all I'm good for is my body. I work in a job all day where my boss only cares about how much work I can do and how much money I can make, and come home to a man who only shows a strong emotion - annoyance - when I don't let him have sex with me. The beauty of my heart, the caliber of my soul, it doesn't matter. I might as well be a fleshy robot.
From a woman that was in a 7 yr relationship with my fiance. This is exactly why, we love that you love us, but there is more to me then just sex. I had felt so used that,all he wanted was that. I wanted support, love, appreciation, emotional stuff... he couldn't understand that and gaslite me for yrs. I couldn't take it anymore and left.
This is a fantastic point. But when I tell you (as the wife) I woke up one morning after having a dream that my husband was cheating on me and I was soooo mad. I'd had dreams like that before but always been able to rationalize that it was a dream. That one was so realistic I spent most of the day mad it him/it. I told him I wasn't actually mad at him cause it wasn't actually him but I was still so upset 🤣🤣
My husband thinks I turn in like a light switch. The mere mention should be enough to have me running for the bedroom in the middle of the afternoon, despite the fact I’m supposed to be in a meeting 🤦♀️
Spot on! And that bit about the dream....that's legit. I've had dreams that make me wake up angry with my husband. 😂
ALL OF THE ABOVE! As a married woman of 13 years, DUDE. NAILED IT!!! ❤ “a dream he was mean to me….. “ . THAT is SO REAL! Has totally happened to me, and I woke up totally annoyed 🤣🤣🤣! THANK YOU to all the willing to be honest, vulnerable, integrity seeking, boundary respecting, love strong men out there working through the emotional landscape of marriage 💯👍
Almost every video i watch from you hits me hard and its too true to my reality, im hurting a lot in my relationship but i cant let go of the guilt of the idea of ending things. I truly love and care for this person and im so scared to hurt them by ending it.
Um... they don't seem very concerned about hurting YOU, by keeping you around 🤔
The guilt is valid, but it will pass (if you choose to leave. If you stay, nothing will change) 🙏🏾💕
I linked your channel to my husband. I am hoping he actually falls down your particular rabbit hole. 22 years is a lot to lose because of ego and pride. You have helped me understand him so much better than i did before. My hope is that can also help him understand me.
It’s just another item on a looooong list of her responsibilities. If it ended in a worthwhile reward, which he assumes happens because he gets his and doesn’t really care, that would help, but she’d still have to get on with the next item on her list.
I don't even remember to eat until I've gotten myself mentally settled and stop seeing all the household tasks, you think I'm going to get my head into something that's not necessary for survival?
Definitely that.....and literally exhausted/overwhelmed by the invisible responsibility & cognitive burden. Would LOVE to relax & have fun when THE TEAM finishes all that needs to be done!! 😮💨