Why Do Men Come Back? 3 Unexpected Reasons Why He Keeps Coming Back
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- Опубликовано: 24 июл 2024
- Why Do Men Come Back? 3 Unexpected Reasons Why He Keeps Coming Back // Are you in a relationship with someone that loves you, then abandons you, and then shows up again? This may leave you wondering, why do men come back? What makes a man come back after a breakup can be a bit of a mystery, if you have been stuck in a confusing, addictive, and toxic relationship pattern. This can be especially frustrating if you have done a significant amount of work to move on, and out of the blue, they send you a text message, or come knocking unannounced. In this video, you will learn more about why do guys come back after you move on, as well as 3 unexpected reasons why he keeps coming back after the break up.
Here are the timestamps if you are in a rush..
00:00 Intro
01:53 Case Study
04:04 Reason #1 - Mindset and Limiting Beliefs
04:24 The Psychology of the Rescuer
05:41 Reason #2 - Attachment Wounding
07:29 Example of a Text Message Breakup
10:45 Alcoholism and the Remorse Contrition Cycle
10:59 “Black and White” Trigger Statements
13:00 Reason #3 - There is a Divine Lesson
13:13 Unconditional Regard
13:33 Conditional Exchanges in a Relationship
16:30 Damaging Core Belief #1
17:23 The Divine Lesson for Belief #1
17:59 Damaging Core Belief #2
19:03 Divine Lesson for Belief #2
20:40 Final Thoughts: Second Chances Aren’t A Bad Thing
22:40 Incurably Incompatible Relationships: How to Know for Sure
23:01 Attachment Styles and Trigger Mapping: Widening the Window of Tolerance
23:08 Take the quiz
#whymenalwayscomeback #whydomencomeback #reasonswhyhecomesbackafterabreakup #brianamacwilliam
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Take the quiz: bit.ly/4LuvStylesYT
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Website: www.brianamacwilliam.com/
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-6 Signs an Avoidant Partner Loves You
• 6 Signs An Avoidant Li...
-Make an Avoidant Partner Love You
• How to Make an Emotion...
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-Incurably Incompatible Relationships: How to Know for Sure
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• Why Do Men Come Back? ...
Dam need a PHD just to date these days !
So sad!!!!!
😂😂😭😭
Right 😆🤣
My friend got a masters and she still got tricked into bull and two kids with a dude with no diploma lol
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m avoidant, it’s sad. I am trying to figure out why and the reasons why are even more sad. Don’t feel sorry for us, we have to notice the problem and want to fix it ourselves
Always the childhood
Unless they are willing to do the work and seek therapy, walk away from them. You will always be the one to blame with things go south (lack of accountability) and this hot and cold behavior will continue for as long as you continue to show them that you don’t respect yourself. It’s crazy making and shows them you are in need of someone like this to validate you with sporadic crumbs whenever they feel “safe” enough to love you. Best believe when they feel engulfed, suffocated, bored, trapped and so on they will pull a disappearance on you or become emotionally distant.
How can anyone be okay with this? It’s exhausting and emotionally crippling. You lose yourself by giving and giving to someone that will never reciprocate the way you do. They will control the entire dynamic for as long as you let them come in and out and yes they are controlling due to their inner core beliefs.
LEAVE! save yourself the heartache and find someone secure and emotionally available.
I agree for the controlling part. As an anxious, I have been protesting about his avoidant behaviors, asserting my needs for connection and closeness (for example, when he was checked out, petting the dog on the sofa instead of me, being closed to emotional discussions, not holding eye contact when intimate, not holding my hand when out, not calling when coming home late), and sometimes he corrected the behaviors, but overall he has had the most control over the dynamic. He is the one deciding when we connect, when we make love, when we can be close. He has asked for his space, so I left his place and went back to my city. But as I feared, it looks like a fade out exit, over less than a week, I can feel the disconnect getting bigger, the video chat feels even more superficial and he says he doesn't know if he wants the relationship. I know I won't be able to stand this waiting situation, where I'm getting the weaker position. We've been together 4 months, I was living with him 2 1/5, and he was very into it in the beginning like it seems avoidant all do. But now that he needs his space, it feels like he can move back to his single life and solo mindset without difficulty. When we slept together he was always snuggled against me, cuddling glued to me, I know he liked it and liked me. He told me it took him 5 days after I left to sleep in the same bed again. But when chatting with him he says he doesn't know and can't make no plans about us. How he represses his feelings amazes me and it's so unhealthy to treat himself like a self-sufficient robot.
Maybe you are right and I should cut out my losses now. So hard though because I am so attached and anxious.
@@MissSarahGM you need to work on your self esteem my love because it sounds to me that you are giving people in your life wayyyyyy to much power. YOU are in control of your life. Also boundaries, you guys moved in tooooo quickly. You need to get to know someone for at least 6 months to 1 year before considering that. Hope this helps 😌
@@MissSarahGM You explain yourself so well. These men are very needy but very unwilling to accept that and commit to a woman who makes them feel good. They keep going back to 'she may hurt me' deep in their mind's s recess. If they do not have a way to fight their own fears with faith, they will keep hurting themselves and the women they think they love.
@@MissSarahGM In the more personal side. I to am an anxious attach vs. avoidant whatever but I know it is because my dad was emotionally unavailable. These issues are deep rooted. I am a Christian and often ask the Lord to keep me focused on the Lord. He tells us in His Word, that there is always trouble in the flesh with male/females even in marriage because you seek to please each other. If one dies not seek to please, it gets very unfulfilling.
@@joyceluppold9159 Thank you. Indeed, he rejected that needy and vulnerable part of himself, because he is traumatised from childhood with neglectful narc parents. All of his avoidance came from fear of engulfment and losing his identity and self. Why? Because he is so enmeshed with his family, and especially narcissistic mother, he confided in and who sabotaged him and me as well (she kept saying it was best to stay single). He has OCD so he struggled to make decisions and avoided commitment.
A year later, after he dumped me, I went no contact but he called me a couple of times, last time was for my birthday. I could sense it was a convenient excuse to show interest and reach out, but he couldn't be vulnerable and say what he wanted, beyond friendly chitchat. So I am back in no contact.
Sometimes I think that the reason you don't have the amount of subscribers that I think you deserve based on value of the videos is because YOUR CONTENT ARE JUST TOO GOOD! I know that's probably not what you want but.... I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU FOR THE INTEGRITY AND VALUE OF YOUR CONTENT! No one else is doing attachment videos that truly discuss the issues with such spiritual and deeply deeply compassionate perspectives!
Thank you for the lovely comment! I’m glad that you find the content helpful 🙏❤️
Ya she is pretty awsome! Thanks 🙏 😊
I agree. I was thinking that if this video was tagged with Law of Attraction it could be found by more people who can understand it at this level.
Still can't stop pursuing, I just wish my wife would watch these things and learn and work on her avoidance style... we have so much good, but when traumatic times come, she panics I cling.. and we end up... idk... thank you for all these videos, I've watched about 80 of them... no lie
Watch one with her
I hope things are getting better my friend, but try working on yourself and learning to not NEED anyone. Eventually if not her you’ll attract a healthy individual.
I totally get it man your not alone
This is exhausting and familiar at the same time. I no longer have a desire to entertain this with a person not willing to compromise or improve.
Please don’t take back avoidant partners. They have habit to escape in difficult times. And life is about east and difficult times.. they will only be there when the sun is shining!!!! Finally letting him go
With my avoidant partner, I have found if I learn how to work with who he is and what he responds best to, he is more capable of being there for me in difficult times.
I've been ghosted 4 times but I see letting go as failure. He's a great guy with avoidance tendencies. This time, I'm learning more about my attatchment style and, while not putting all of the blame on myself, I'm approaching his return from a different perspective this time. Thank you for your teachings.
How's it going? Been ghosted by an avoidant friend (not love relationship) and learned a lot about attachment styles in the almost 2 weeks he ghosts me now. I know the chances he comes back are very slim, but I so wish he would. I did instinctively most things right with him, even before knowing about attachment styles, but understanding him and myself better now feels good, but also kind of wasted if we don't get a second chance.
Hope the journey with your person is going good!
Me too trying it these days ,bcos he is coming back to me after our 2nd break up which he did. He truly loves me, but have trust issues & fear for intimacy (too closeness), to call (except testing) ,meet & marry💔. I love him so much, he believes it so much even he is BPD & Avoidant. I 🙏for his healing to Jesus.. I cannot heal him.
I met him at 16. He’s been back 6 times. I am 62 now. I still love him. Our biggest gap was 20 years. But I’m not unhappy. I needed this time to grow. I’m an Anxious preoccupied…….well not as much as my earlier years. He is Fearful Avoidant. I’ve grown so much I. Terms of self esteem, worth and spirituality. Excellent video. Very informative and comprehensive. Thank you Briana.
😩please do share your story. How did you do 20yrs! 😣I usually am AA but stuff happened & became a Fearful avoidant for 10yrs. I’ve never met anyone as strong as me until I met my Dismissive avoidant & he brought out alllll of my anxious preoccupied & I also have codependency & abandonment issues. But ever allowed myself to get to close until I met my DA we were just friends with benefits for 5yrs and I was fine as I don’t like titles. & somewhere along the line I started sharing more of my life & true self I viewed him as a friend & caught feelings. 😔🥺 he’s been on & off with the fir the past year. I could tell our intimacy & attachment triggered him & he ran. Any tips on what you did that worked for you? & please I’m so curious of your story. Do they ever change even a lil?
@@Princess-ef2ux The majority of our relationship was between 16 years of age to 40. He married between that time but kept coming back. the bottom line is that unless he heals himself things will never change. In the meantime I got on with my life and had relationships. I even fell in love with somebody else but that didn’t work out and I would’ve married that person so it’s not like I’m waiting for my fearful avoidant to wake up himself and marry me. Don’t sabotage your life. There was a knowing that he would always come back. But that was stemming from intuition. But again I say don’t wait for him. Get on with your life. In time you will see that your self-esteem is low and you’re putting up with it. Having said that I my self-esteem was low too. Through time and meeting other people and loving my job I began to grow. I did a lot of work for myself and my own self esteem. This occured in the 20 years we weren’t together. He was married but despite that you keep seeing me. The bottom line is you cannot help him wake up himself he’s got to do that on his own. You can’t heal him As for tips get on with your life. Give him space if he needs to run away let him because he’s Got to work it out himself. It’s easy for me because I like my freedom and my space. As for do they have a change even a little, that’s up to the person and how much maturity they they have developed. Heal yourself first and then you will really see that nothing has been your fault. ITS HIM.
My best tip is to ask your self if this behaviour occurred to a couple that you know what would you think and do? You will see it’s not right and then question why you would put up with it. I still love him but I won’t put up with his fearful and roller coaster behaviour.
@@Princess-ef2ux if they really love someone, yes, they can change a little. as an FA/DA I think we only get more cold as life goes on but idk. 🫤❤️🩹
Same story with me. We have an age gap. He is younger than me. He is BPD & Avoidant too. We have a 1 year deep love. He expressed his love from social media ,from his action & eye contact only, I thought he was shy. But he broke up in January aftr I sent him a video which tells abt love & have it for life. Then I was devastated , suffered a lot. He needed me badly in heart & his friends knew it, but he ignored me ,he was cold to my face. Aftr we cudnt meet ,aftr i stopped msgs + social media interact he came back crazily wit genuine love.
But in July end he lost his attraction again (may b bcos we dont meet after august or he had a rebound gf) . But then again he msgd me tru a secret WA number & did chat, but didnt like much to chat abt my life or his life. Only abt othr stuff. I didnt know abt Avoidants that time. Then he was so angry ,upset for something I cudnt tell & for msgn his Insta. So he didnt chat for a month. For a simple thing he was furious in the end of Sep & broke up in a mean way.
So I suffered a bit ,then went NC ,so now he comes back to see me to my work place since last month ,bcos we have an event in Oct & Nov few days. 1 day I ignored ,I saw from his face he was so happy to see me, 2nd day he came & looking , staring at me, I ignored , but then he came behind me to upstair & I smiled & went. 3rd day he was mo happy as we met, he was near me & always looking , so I did too. He always change my heart when I give up on him. He wants me back now it seems. Still he didnt msg me, he might soon. I want to marry him, but he has to agree for it & I want to be anti anxious type (secure) wit him, I did mistakes not knowing he is Avoidant (the things avoidants dislike & get detached) .
Women can be avoidant as well. Not only men.
Today, it seems I am avoidant. But I know I'm not. It's situational. After so many years of being avoided I have had enough.
I am fearful of rejection and I also fear they will abandon me, yet I also will end a relationship before they hurt me.
What can a partner do to change this
same it's crippling. I can't help myself
@@spartansyo734 therapy!
@@spartansyo734 They need to tell their FAs that expressing their emotions is ok and that you are a safe person. That all feelings are valid. FAs don't like it when our feelings are judged or when we are told to stop feeling it or when our feelings don't make sense. It makes the FA think that working on the relationship will lead to more pain and they will run. And I as an FA will and have permablocked people that I really liked. I won't tell at them. I won't ask for reassurance. None of that. I just want to leave. And permablocking gives me a sense of safety and freedom that feels more fulfilling than the relationship.
@@spartansyo734 FAs are tricky. They won't key your car or blow up at you. They will just permablock. And they won't appear FA. They'll appear like people pleasers who are good at reading you. They are so good at people pleasing that the avoid the actions that anxious attachment styles do. So, you really need to tell them that you are a safe person to talk about their feelings with.
I was attached to a guy for 12 years. He was so avoidant that we never had an acknowledged relationship at all--just a mutual attraction that never went anywhere.
The same for me, he keeps coming back, for over 6 years now. We see each other usually 2-3 times a year, and comunicate several days (but verry poor) and the he dissapears and reapeares and the cicle repeats itself. The last time when he came, i was about to not speaking to him and he was so insistent with calls, msj, he told me that he miss me, that he wanna see me, that he was always liked me..., for about 3 months and after finally i gave him attention he dissapeared again, that is when i thought he has narcissistic pd, but i was thinking better and maybe he has apd.
I’ve gone above and beyond and he never appreciated me. He was a bread crumber and a taker. I realized it was friends with benefits
Thank you for commenting and sharing your experience. Big hugs on the journey.
At least you got benefits! I haven’t had a sex life for the 4yrs we were together 😅
Well first it won’t work without both understanding their attachment styles and BOTH willing to work on it for themselves firstly but also for their relationship..
Well you nailed the dynamic in our messed up relationship.
I started off on the more secure side of anxious, but time we get close, he runs off (fearful avoidant) and now I'm certainly insecure anxious, if not also avoidant.
And yes, I started putting in demands/boundaries that surprisingly he agreed to, but now thinks everything he does is wrong and doesn't give enough attention to the relationship. The feelings are there, but omg it is draining and feels impossible. Definitely more videos on this please.
He did go therapy a few times last year but it made him more depressed. I feel totally undervalued and ready to walk. Even though he keeps telling me I am important, he can't seem to work out how to express this in the way i need, and he very much has to do things his own way (his sense of security I guess, but it doesn't make for a healthy partnership)
I can relate to this story, it was the story of me with a narcissist, he never changed, so I followed HG Tudor guidelines of when you know you go!!.... You don't hang around when you see this black flag that begins with red flags...
Same story here! I miss the a hole so much it sucks but I wouldn’t put myself back there ever again!
@@Lauren-vf1ip I completely understand, as time moves on, you will stop missing all narcissist... lol... The more you love you, you won't miss toxic individuals...
What is HG Tudor ?
@@patricial8753 HG Tudor is a youtuber with a youtube channel called 'The Ultra'.. HG is a narcissist and a psychopath that explains narcissism at 100 percent.... HG old youtube channel was called 'Knowing The Narcissist' and his current youtube channel is 'The Ultra'.. I began watching HG old channel called 'Knowing The Narcissist' before I began watching HG yiutube channel called 'The Ultra'...
This resonated with me so much and I literally felt like you were describing my exact experience (me being the anxious and my ex being the avoidant). I would love more videos like this. Particularly what the anxious person should/could have done instead
The best I’ve heard about this! You are brilliant!
You’re very insightful Briana.
I've watched a ton of your videos but this one is so valuable in particular. Thank you for sharing.
This is one of the best videos I have seen in my life. Thank you!
Thank you!!! I thank source for guiding me to you...keep shining
Wow! This is so insightful and accurate!
wow , you were on fire with this one - the language was spot on - really helped me to understand the message intuitively and not just mentally.... gracias!
Amazing video!!!
My therapist recommended your content, and I see why. I recognize my attachment style (avoidant) in your descriptions and examples. My stories and failings in relationships have common elements to examples you give. I look forward to learning more and changing my habits to develop healthy attachments and relationships instead of continuing down the path of unhealthy ones. Thank you very much for sharing your knowledge on this platform.
Thank you so much Briana for all the work you do and for sharing it! Your delivery and content speaks to me much more then other coaches/therapists i have listened to.
It is helping so much in discovering my path :)
Thank you for another wonderful, helpful and insightful video. Every word rings true.
Thank you for the "timestamp" 🥰
Oh, OMGoodness!! This speaks to me, in volumes!! Same thing has been happening to me for almost 3 years...
I had a relationship like this where we both may have been anxious avoidant. The trauma connection was intense and powerful. It upended my life. I learned soooo much about myself. It’s almost funny to observe the internal wounds being layered over the present events. Bizarre. I am very self-aware and I can see the anxious then avoidant feelings wash through me. Then I rebalance to a calm place. 🙏💕
Your information is gold! Thank you for giving us this information for free 😊
@JJ_Smilez Glad you liked this video! Thank you for commenting.
Oh my gosh I married Eddie and I’m Kay and I had a nervous brake down. Trauma-bond broke me wide open.
you're really spot on. I'm glad I found these videos people tried to make me feel crazy before.
P03ticJustice Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
P03ticJustice Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
I definitely recognize these beliefs. Especially the second one. I know we are both good people, I can see we want to love each other...but we have work to do.
Nice work!
Wow this is spot on 😭
This is an excellent series. I am getting more and more insights
Carol Mason Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
This was spot on through and through. I have been searching for answers for a year and this phase provided me with the exact level of insight that I needed. Interestingly enough, my avoidant ex name is also Eddie. Lol.
This sounds like my marriage. I am always left confused. My husband has left atleast 30 plus times we have been married for 6 years. And at times I just want to give up.
Lots of information in there have to listen again. I was in this situation for a long time, me playing the role of open heart but now that I’m dating again I’m the rolling stone. My supposition is that there’s really no difference they’re really the same. What role you play depends on the other person.
I love your videos. I my opinion you are the most intelligent psychologist here on RUclips!Greetings from Switzerland 🥰
Love and Relationships Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
This describes my situation to a T. Thank you for making this video.
Totally relates, thank you
@oonecroaxiomoo3395 Glad you liked this video! Thank you for commenting.
Amazing content, you are a really talented and knowledgeable person. All the way from Brazil, I send you this message. It's fascinating your ability to describe human relations with such precision and accuracy. I wonder how you have been able to acquire all this deep knowledge.
Thank you ma'am. My deepest regards for the freedom and love you are sharing with us, for free, and with all your heart. You are a healing human being.
Messed up thing I s I know that I have value in theory but doesn’t play out in real life..But through these videos I’m starting to learn how to bring the idea into reality..thanks for your content
I would love a partner who has the same core beliefs as I do, but I’ll accept them as they are.
Very good info
Glad it was helpful!
Narcissist do this.. RUN LADIES!!... You should not be found when he comes back!... You may be calling narcissist avoidant partners... No ones life should be a revolving door... Someone that loves you is not in and out.. As I listened more you did mention something about narcissism... Great job Dear Heart... When he breaks up with her, those are discards and disengagements... She needs stability not someone that is in and out of her life.. Interesting and great video...
This drives me nuts because men are narcissists and women are not. 🙄 The women are simply victims. Like there's no pathology there. 😂 Seriously, run ladies, go find some other male to try and make you happy. /sss
The overall Divine Lessons are very beautiful. I am healing my Anxious Attachment experience and would say I am on the other side of this healing. Hallelujah! Really enjoy learning more as I grow more secure in myself. I really like your logic and thought provoking thinking on these contrasting attachments.
Jenessa M. Hernandez Glad you liked this video! Thank you for commenting.
I too.
I fear commitment because I believe my partner will eventually stop loving me, get tired of me and discard me.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Bryan Webb. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
I wish you (and my man) could understand that even if that did happen, you'd be strong enough to carry on, and meantime love anyway.
If you fall for an anxious type, they'll pretty much always be there!
I have friend zoned people I really love bc they could hurt me and then dated (anxiously attached to) people that I don’t align with at all 😭
@@AmandaMG6 Well, stop doing that.
You can see a therapist for that. Whole nothing is ever guaranteed, but you are making things worse by not buying into the relationship (if you want it)
#1 - 4:03 - Mindset & Limiting Beliefs
#2 - 5:44 - Attachment Wounding
#3 - 13:00 - There is a Divine Lesson
Just to let you know the timestamps are in the caption of the video.
I can relate. What a painful life.
WOW u are truely a gift💯💯💖💖💖
Thank you for your work. Do you offer individual coaching?
I’m glad that you find the Content helpful. Yes, thank you for your interest. you can explore private coaching options and a free 30 minute consultation through this link.
onlinecourses.brianamacwilliam.com/private-coaching-packages-2024
At least she got a text of why he left I get nothing nothing no reason at all nothing
I feel tears welling up inside. I did give this person I love dearly the all or nothing ultimatum because I feel like I cannot bear the "other women" ...thing if we are just friends. I'm all f'd up and feel unable to untangle the mess we both have made of what has the potential to be an enduring "ship"... relationship or friendship ...it's beyond me to define which... obviously, I'm the quintessential anxious heart and yep, you guessed it, he is the avoidant
Read insecure in love by Leslie Becker ❤️
@@70Mishi thank you for the suggestion. I appreciate your thoughtful response
you 'r really good
Yes, recognize these core beliefs and flip side way of coping with these beliefs with activating and deactivating strategies between myself (AP) and my avoidant ex.
That's what we are constantly doing and we can't move away from this disaster. We got on well before. 20 years. I fight for it he runs
What do we do? Both miserable.
@Kane Henry I decided that I am ok with not having a partner. I can't change the way I am. I believe that actions speak louder than words. I show my love and respect by giving my all.
It’s better to give than to receive.
Bah. Sounds similar to something I went through recently. He said he knew there were things I wanted to say but wasn't saying and encouraged me to just open up. Except I was the one who ended things and then begged him back twice.
So painfully true
This is 💯my situation. I am FA and he is DA. We have been doing this for 6 years. Right now he is waiting for me to flip out for him disappearing the last two weeks. I want too- but I am trying to heal myself and stay busy and not react. I jsut wish he would not test me!
Sounds like a nightmare
So very hard ‼️‼️‼️‼️
Time to put the O in the Ounce & Bounce
I should have kept to my instincts and left my ex the first time. I wasted a year of my life for her, sound like you need to stop playing games.
They literally can't help but to test you because it is on a unconcious level UNLESS he is a actually narcissist either way it goes, you NEED to set boundries if hes an avoidant he will not respect you if you allow him to disappear on you and keep coming back in and out of your life.. it will never stop because hes not being affected and hurt by the behavior like you are, in his mind he probably doesn't even think hes doing anything wrong or damaging even if you have spoken to him before hand, avoidants respond better by actions and boundries, if your not applying either one your just setting yourself up for heartache and failer,it will be the same old story and dance for 6 more years he wont stop this behavior on his own or by you lashing out...and then your accepting behavior from him that isn't acceptable or feels ok with you, you cant win with an avoidant by doing these things, your better off truly giving him his space to think about his actions.. and just do you, spend time on self love and improvement, go out with other people,watch videos and content on avoidants, also learn your own attachment style as well, try to figure out WHY and HOW you attracted avoidants in the first place, it will be easier said then done.. you'll miss him a lot in the beginning..you'll probably go through a few phases, before you start to heal but your doing both of you guys a favor by leaving him and the relationship alone,and choosing your sanity and self value as a priority..treat yourself the way you wish he treated you, be the example to him instead of saying how you want to be treated show him your not a door matt just because you love him, avoidants dont respond well to emotional wants demands and needs they will more then likely tune you out and find a way out the relationship to avoid you,this seems cruel but in reality it's just an unconcious way of deactivating strategies to relive themselves of any unwanted feelings responsibilities or guilt so your best bet is to work on yourself it may take some time but hell come back around it usually takes them longer then the average person to think about their decisions feelings and thoughts that's why they need some much time and space they do not think and respond in real time they have delayed thinking patterns so it can take weeks to months to even years before they come to terms with the truth all you can do until then is shift the focus on you and wish him well have compassion for the both of you guys and realize people can only meet you how far they have come in their lifes themselves....good luck sweetheart I wish you love light and healing.
@@uniquedavenport7232 thank you so much for that. Such amazing timing. We are actually in yet another cycle.. it usually is about every 6 months. It used to be every couple weeks. Than every couple months. I spent a hole year not talking to him. And we were in a good spot-I thought. We had sex. It was awkward and here we are. Strangers all over again. I am exhausted. And I know Ans agree wholeheartedly. 😞
3 months ago I pushed for some answers about our future. Why not after experiencing this type of scenario at least 3 times in the past 3 years. Well it ended when he said "I don't see a future with you" I should note that every month I wanted to end it b/c I felt unloved and undesirable. He would sleep on the sofa a lot. Distance was his go to even when we were sitting in the same room. Needless to say I was in a state of confusion most of the time anxiety through the roof. He said he wanted to remain friends but never initiated a call or text. I gave up on it all yesterday and hope we can stick to it this time. This relationship was the best and the worst all once. But I'm learning a lot.
Sounds avoidant. Decide what your boundaries are and stick to them! People will treat you how you let them treat you : )
Everyone deserves a second chance just don’t squander it.
Yes , I dio, no doubt about it.
This is so on point to my relationship it's scary. Can it ever work? What type of person is compatible with an anxious person
Theoretically no. Unless both partners (anxious) and (avoidant) do the the work to become secure. A good partner for an anxious partner would be a secure partner. I’m a secure and my secondary attachment style is anxious. I don’t do well with DA’s and don’t put up with their unemotional unavailability. I find that they need to do the work themselves and need to be willing to change.
It becomes exhausting dealing with them and it leaves you feeling like you need to bend over backwards like a pretzel to meet their every need. It’s a total waste of time and unsafe to your mental and emotional well being. Quit the push and pull dynamic and find yourself a secure partner.
I recommend that you read the book Insecure in Love by Leslie Becker
This is exactly what I am going through.
They dont love you, they just miss their supply! Block em! Ignore them! Don't entertain their nonsense! Old patterns and old programming die hard, wound attachment.
You think avoidants and narcs are two of the same?
Bingo! Unless they are willing to do the work, walk away from them. You will always be the one blame with things go south (lack of accountability) and this hot and cold behavior will continue for as long as you continue to show them that you don’t respect yourself. It’s crazy making and shows them you are in need of someone like this to validate you with sporadic crumbs whenever they feel “safe” enough to love you. Best believe when they feel engulfed, suffocated, bored, trapped and so on they will pull a disappearance on you. How can anyone be okay with this? It’s exhausting and emotionally crippling. You lose yourself by giving and giving to someone that will never reciprocate the way you do. LEAVE, save yourself the heartache and find someone secure and emotionally available.
This is all so very familiar. Is there away both myself and my partner can work with you?
That last one thooo. whew.
Thank you
@ma.cristinasantos1263 Thank you! Much appreciated.
I come from a family of 9 . My mother was a alcolic and my father was the same only he came and went until one day he didnt come back at all . My mother showed no love and never said she loved us . We looked after her and were sent out to buy her booze with notes to the retailer . She kept us home from school most of the time . Im afraid of relationships and have had many . I normally forse the relationship to fall apart . After watching this i think i know why now .
Oh yes, this was the story of my life
I can relate to this.
I've been anxious for a long time, but then I because the avoidant one. So I guess i'm fearful avoidant. I can recognise both of the partner in this situation. Being the avoidant one made me be more compassionate to my past avoidant partner. Now I understand. But it doesn't mean it's more easy now tho 😅
Brianna, you are God's gift to the world, brilliant and beautiful
Can you relate to this couple? Do you recognize the limiting beliefs that can keep you caught in cyclical patterns in love? Let me know in the comments below!
Yes been caught in back together abandon together abandon so many times now... the difference is he only came back after several months...and it’s torturing for me, he’s very afraid of taking a step forward whenever there’s unpleasant moments..and yet I’m still hoping for a possibility he’d come back...
Your insights and way of explaining attachment injuries are remarkable. I love this new format. Thank you! One question that came up for me while listening to this story is what about if due to the instability and inconsistency of this dynamic continuing contact or staying friends with him was too painful for kay and an impediment for her moving on process? Will her decision of saying she didnt want to be friends (because her interest was romantic and it would be painful) and ceasing contact be a form of not having unconditional regard or be a form cutting the other off? I believe staying connected or having a friendship when is painful is inauthentic and not loving towards yourself and the other as well. And many times another form of unhealthy attachment. Thoughts?
Wow. K's story is my story unfolding right now. So I'll try to answer. I'm a monogamic, sapiosexual empath.. 6 months ago, reached by a fearful avoidant. After a weekend together, she's cancelled dates, ghosted me, and returned today again. So this video comes at the right time. And what you say is along the lines of what I was thinking. I won't sleep with her or marry her now, nor do I want to remain friends but I will not disconnect. I will explain again to her, but not set rules or boundaries, as she seems to have completely forgotten all details, which is hurtful. I'll give her another 6 months, as maybe Covid trauma or maybe something beautiful. I'm learning who I am by being with her, and my spiritual journey will be my reward, whether she finally accepts my proposal or moves on. I feel liberated and what more can anyone ask for?
@@realmext2241 how do you know she doesn’t have other issues? People with BPD do this as well... devalue/idealize. Come and go because they have the approach avoidance conflict inside. They want connection but also fear abandonment and rejection (they self sabotage and reject themselves)
@@SK-no2pp thanks, and the answer is I don't My focus has shifted from everything being about my relationship to her, and it's now my life journey and I learn a lot about my self in the way I handled each disappearance. First time was hyperanxiety, this time it's quiet acceptance. So I'm growing. Hope this makes sense.
@@realmext2241 of course, I do the same. I ask what is it about myself that keeps me hooked and engaged in this dynamic which essentially makes me sad?
@@SK-no2pp Thanks. Great to hear from you. I used to believe I'm cursed - 3 relationships, all grew deep and then failed. Now I think I'm lucky to have experiences that help me reflect, grow. I don't have to hurt someone to feel happy..
As a friend, we can take it as our space
Brianna, do you have any social media to follow you or are your website and RUclips your main platforms?
Please do some commentary on CG Jung!!
Great video. Maybe Eddie also has Asperger’s...I’m pretty sure I dated Eddie.
I'm 67 married 3 1/2 years to my 74 yr old man. He has left me 9 times for no good reason. We have lived 5 months only then leaves me. I'm s deep empathetic. This is my life he just left again 6 weeks ago. No contact at all makes me sick
How do you deal with it !? 😳🥺
Does he have his own place?
OMG. This is sickeningly familiar.
Its really quite simple
Even though eloquently communicated.
Suspend all judgment n emotion n love grow flow comunicate n respond with kindness n respect
you cant suspend all emotion in a relationship...
Yes 🙌🏻
What do you mean by “power being taken away” when discussing the avoidant? my girlfriend broke up with me. I’m anxious preoccupied and she’s a fearful avoidant. She left because she felt smothered and didn’t like my constant need for reassurance. Since then I’ve been working on myself and realizing my value, it’s been six weeks since she left. I don’t know if she ever plans on talking to me, she blocked me on everything after I had sent her flowers apologizing for whatever I did to get us to that point. That was her final straw. After that I wrote her a letter that I felt I needed to send to have closure. It was nothing but a thank you for the time and memories type letter. I’ve seen her on tinder a couple times so I know she isn’t coming back but I’m still so baffled because she told me all these things like I was the best boyfriend she had and she loved how much I cared but obviously not. She came on so warm and loving and like the flip of a switch was cold and careless. I only ever wanted her happiness and to share our time together. I didn’t wanna control her but I feel like that’s the way she interpreted it. I just wish I could talk to her knowing what I know now and try figuring this out. I know I can’t wait and I haven’t been, I go out and party and have met new people and made new friends however she hasn’t slipped my mind. Even if we don’t get back I want her to realize her attachment style because she doesn’t know how much it’s affecting her relationships with people. If you respond that would be awesome!
I know time has passed since your comment but your last sentence struck with me that you want her to realise her attachment style because it's affecting all her relationships. That is such an AP thought. So caring and thinking of others before themselves. We just cannot help others because that only happens through self realization and you can tell her a hundred times about it, it will not resonate with her until she's ready for change herself and make the realisations she need to make herself. Ofc when we see clearly through someone else we think if I tell them maybe they will come to realise it but unfortunately it's not like that. Our emotions, perceptions, self dialogues, the way we feel about ourselves and the world, the way we view ourselves ans the world are so complex and unique, words are not enough to make someone change internally.
She doesn't need to get helped she doesn't need to get saved, she is already doing what she's supposed to do, making the mistakes she's supposed to make and experiencing what she's supposed to experience. All is fine.
Anyway hope you're well and thriving x
So how do we stop the pattern?
Spoke to me my issue was control. I need to let that part a little loose so he can feel free in some aspects. I need to stop being controlling.
What did he define controlling? Because I was called this - however I am not controlling. So it was odd
I see I see. Don’t want this to be the way it is.
You have some valid points, however are we led to believe that if say 30% couples have these traits and dynamics within their relationship that the other 70% are across things ? No, not at all, many within that 70% are living in those relationships not speaking up or making waves, probably internally unhappy but not saying anything....both men and women.
Can someone explain the Conditional exchange for me? i didn't understand what she meant at all :( went to fast and over my head.- also taking notes on the damaging core beliefs and not wanting to affirm those was a pain in my ass lol :')
The idea that the anxious avoidant one I love and I have the same wounds, but different coping mechanisms, spoke loudly to me.
It's true, we are rather similar in a lot of ways. Probably one of the things that intrigues me so much, since I've never felt like I fit anywhere and never felt really understood by others, even close ones.
But where I became rather aggressively my very authentic self - anticipating not fitting in but also learning to be okay with that - he became completely private, not sharing anything of himself at all if he doesn't already feel safe and even then second guessing himself constantly.
And I feel his pain, because I know it so well. I want to make him feel safe to be himself unconditionally. As a lover or as a friend, I just want to see him happy. Maybe so I know I can be happy as well.
I may be projecting to a degree, but I don't think it's a lot. Like recognises like.
Now that was an interesting insight.
Fascinating how some things seem to fall into place with one sentence.
God I needed this.
It’s like you’ve been in the room while this was happening.
I got clouser text from my ex girlfriend.
After 3 month's of no contact
It's like..
Hey.. hope you are doing good..Just meant to say sorry, I mean it.
You are a good soul,it's just me who can't love someone,I tried to love u,you are really a good friend (and some more txts).
After she added I cared about you,maybe I still care, we can't unlove people,but I can hate someone more than I loved,
If I try to be with you again I would destroy you in every possible way.
Lastly she added
I just gave you enough time to realise I'm not important as you thought in your life,but you deserve a closure and here it is......
Don't reply she told...
What I have to do please help?
So weird! Clearly she doesn’t want to get together. Find someone new and keep busy. You have your own life and shouldn’t have to wait three months for her to tell you you’re ok. You should be in control of how you feel.. wow. Just talk to other people
Research fearful avoidant attachment styles , trust me
It seems like she don't respect you and give some bullshit excuses to feel less guilty by abandoned you. If she ghosting you wasn't that terrible, well, let's see how she will react if somebody her loved one do the same 🍿
But for now, maybe you should not respond to her and continue to heal to forgive what she did and next, move on . She don't deserve your words but You deserve peace,love and respect so start with yourself.
@@anniebutler5761 GREAT reply ! You're helping this man immensely ! FA in every word from that text
These people have ANGER issues that have not been resolved. Here is a proverb from the Word of God. Make not friends with an angry man, lest thou learn his/her ways and gain a snare unto your soul. Think on that may bring some understanding.
We don’t always get what we want.