Why we feel behind in life: from Rory Gilmore to the 'career woman' trope
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- Опубликовано: 13 июн 2024
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I've fallen down the "feeling behind in life"/ "lost in life" / "starting over in your 20s or 30s" rabbit hole and I don't like what I see: an increasing number of millennials and gen z feeling like they work as hard as they can and have nothing to show for it.
In this video, I look at some narrative tropes we grew up with (and when I say we I mean mainly women and afab people), in particular at the "smart girl" Rory Gilmore type and the "plucky career woman". If you're anything like me, these stereotypes might have led you to believe that life is one ongoing academic/career ladder that you can endlessly climb until you magically reach a point of happiness and purpose. You might have learned from girls like Rory Gilmore or Andy Sachs in the Devil Wears Prada or Alex Dunphy in Modern Family, that there's a pre-established order of events that your life should unfold around... only to find out that reality is a little more complicated than that.
timestamps:
00:00 - introduction: my life is not exactly what I thought it would be
00:53 - milestone anxiety explained
02:48 - the bit where I overshare
05:39 - why I'm blaming Rory Gilmore for all my problems
06:39 - career girls and their girlboss ways
08:12 - the hero's journey and life as a series of achievements
10:07 - milestone anxiety is present across demographics, I'm just talking about women cause they're my favourite
12:36 - the pressure to have it all figures out before "settling down"
13:24 - how we romanticise our 20s
15:11 - girlbossing? in this economy?
please like and subscribe love youuuuuu
resources
articles and research about feeling behind in life and milestone anxiety
Relate: www.relate.org.uk/get-help/mi...
www.independent.co.uk/life-st...
graziadaily.co.uk/life/mental...
articles about the smart girl trope (and that one The Take video)
www.avclub.com/tracking-the-e...
• The Smart Girl Trope, ...
article about neuroplasticity
www.washingtonpost.com/wellne...
Not Even Emily video about expectations vs. reality of our 20s
• The Truth About Your T...
series and movies mentioned:
Gilmore Girls
Modern Family
The Devil Wears Prada
Morning Glory
The Ugly Truth
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Lmk in the comments if I forgot anything! 
Развлечения
As a Ukrainian in my mid 20s I feel like content of the self-help creators doesn't align with my reality at all. "Go to parties" - I can't, I have curfew. "Travel more" - I cannot travel safe in my own country. "Don't compare yourself to others" - i would watch them trying not to make comparisons with people in peaceful countries, while your friend is packing their things because of offencive therefore more chances to be killed. "Your life depends on you" - i cannot even control my sleep schedule because of air raids. And the absolute banger is the idea that 20s is the best years of your life. You wanna tell me that THIS is the best period in my lifetime? I'm afraid to continue to live then
Thank you for your video❤
Це все дійсно наче з паралельного життя, в яке нас не пускають)
Sending you so much love and strength ❤️
I'll write my comment in English so more people can understand it, but I'm a Ukrainian too, 20 y.o now and I couldn't agree more. All this lifestyle content with parties, travelling etc feels like parallel world. I also long for a relationship but I am already anxious about my and my family well-being, so having someone you love near you would only add to that anxiety. I live in relatively safe region with only 1-3 air raids per week and was even able to go to uni (which only added more anxiety tbh). I'm anxious about ongoing war, my future career that seems non-existent though on some days I became so tired of uni assignments that I want to die. Best years of my life, yeah
You want to know what helped me? To stop listening to everyone but myself.
I also watched all the self help videos I could find. One after the other, looking for the one that would finally have the answers I was looking for and change everything in my mindset.
As you might have noticed already, your situation is unique, only you know all its circumstances and specificities. Therefore YOU are the best person to guide you. But you will have to silence everything and everyone for a while until you figure out how to actually do it. It takes time, it’s frustrating in the beggining and you will often want to take the easy way out and wish someone would just hand you a map with everything you have to do instead of figuring it out yourself. But trust me, once you learn how to do it, you will ask yourself how could you have spent so much time just looking for answers in all the wrong places.
My suggestion to you is try to silence as much of the noise you can at first. Get rid of the distractions (even though they might be whats keeping you sane for now) and see what comes up. And once you get in contact with that, start sharing what you learn. Dont care who will see it or if it’s perfectly polished before you share it, that completely irrelevant. But just by reading your comment I could see how much potential you have to make a huge contribution to the world. So go find out what it is, regardless of how you think it should start or look like.
free ukraine🇺🇦❤️
I think it is important to remind ourselves that most of these films only portray the experiences of privileged, educated, wealthy, middle-class, straight, white, American women. No wonder people feel they are falling behind in life if thats the comparison.
LITERALLY
Kinda like ‘I’ve been an adult for 5 minutes and I’m already ten years behind.’
The milestones come with an implied message that reaching them is entirely within the control of the individual. As with so many things, the importance of luck and circumstances is ignored and instead replaced with a claim that you aren't working hard enough or don't want it enough. It isn't buying lattes that's keeping young people from buying houses and no one can work 20 hours a day. And I'm not single by choice or because I haven't tried, but it just hasn't worked out yet.
👏👏👏👏👏
Yes, it's so heartbreaking.. I did tried and I wanted a healthy relationship but life is like fuck you silly, we cannot allow you have anything good, get back in line
Love you Paul ❤️
This resonated very strongly with me. I'm in my mid 30s... never married. No kids but frankly I can't have them due to my conditions. I have no career because again my health conditions. I'm struggling to find a way to move out but stuck. At this point all my old classmates and cousins are married with kids. I feel like a failure in life. I've had people secretly say crap about me behind my back... looking down on me where I am. They point the fingers as if I'm entirely to blame. But in reality most of us do have circumstances that make achieving milestones hard if not impossible.
It's easy to judge others and think they are lazy or stupid. But sometimes we just have bad circumstances or bad luck
Spot on!!
The only aspect of my life where I feel behind is my ''career''. Only once I graduated and entered the job market, I realised that I deeply dislike the entire system. Media makes you believe that if you work hard you'll get to work a job you like, but reality is far far from it. I worked a job I liked for a year, got fired and then was convinced that I could get another one in a similar field but the hiring process was soul-crushing. I felt miserable for not being able to have a fulfilling career like all my peers, and had to live with my parents.
It really decimates your self-esteem and you have to be happy to get any job that'll hire you, even if it's ''below'' your education and skills. You feel like you're not living up to the potential you were told you possess, and you need to make peace with it.
There is an interview of Guillermo del Toro where he says "The time I've felt worst in my life was at my 20's. I've never felt as lost, fall behind, tired, being such a failure as in my 20's. Felt time had passed me, but at your 20's you have nothing but time"
It's so real, whenever I feel sad or disappointed because I feel stuck I think of that interview and all the things ahead of me I have no idea are coming.
Another example is Taylor Swift's documentary, she says that as she approaches 30 the release of this album is one of her last chances to become successful while society still tolerates her being successful.
The album wasn't big, good not a huge hit. Then came the pandemic and she released Folklore breaking many records, Re recorded her old catalogue and broke records, won Grammy's and now people are in awe at her new tour.
It makes me really emotional, similarly, we have no idea what's ahead of us as long as we don't give up
And what happens when your parents are fucking loaded. Her father was a Merrill Lynch stockbroker and her mother was a marketing executive.
Sure hard work helped but so did yacht loads of cash.
@@ahogg5960she was born into a dream team
@@ahogg5960 true she was really privileged growing up but i don't think that has to do with the point they were trying to make. at 29 taylor swift was already super famous and successful, but she was worried her career was coming to an end because of how the entertainment industry treats women who are over 30. so the point here - i believe - is that life for women doesn't have to end when they turn 30.
@@ellevascas much as this is true, an average single to married woman would have the most difficult time to relate to taylor swifts woes.She deserves her fame and fortune, but please, I dont want to try and relate and be on a bandwagon that she should be a top model to look up to for an average modern woman
Taylor Swift was a famous singer as a teenager producing vapid music with daddy's money. Nothing she says about being alienated in her 20s is meaningful except as a forensic account of celebrity narcissism.
I’m feeling so lost because some of those adult milestones don’t apply to me: I don’t want children, I don’t want to get married (the idea of marriage doesn’t convince me), I don’t want to buy a house, I’m not a “girl boss/career woman” and I’m fine with being single.. I have to set my own milestones and that is incredibly hard!
One thing I didn’t touch upon in this video that I wish I’d included is exactly this: even people who don’t want the traditional milestones are made to feel like they have to have something, some achievement, to prove that their existence is worthwhile. And when the entire value system is built on things you don’t want, well, what then?
Would love to hear what milestones you set for yourself to inspire others in their process!
Same. I don't care about any of those things either. I use creative passions as milestones to work towards instead.
I'm 35 now and I've only just barely begun living. This whole idea of 'your 20's are the best' is just toxic. I did feel behind in life but I can't blame myself for that because it was told to me over and over that I was behind in life! People in real life, tv shows and movies, social media,etc.... If I had listened to them I would have a house I can't afford, a husband I don't like and children I don't want.
THIS!!
i love this. i can relate.
good for you!!
20s are the worst in our day and age. It's certainly when I felt the worst because you lose the "white bread world" protection of school and find yourself thrown into adult life without much preparation (let's be honest: even those of us who had good parents were not prepared for this), having to worry about your employment prospects even before you're done studying.
For previous generations surveys did actually find that happiness peaked in people's 20s, began to dip in 30s, fell to its lowest in 40s-50s then regained momentum in the 60s. So the carefree life of the 20s is another thing that's been taken away from our generation.
Rory Gilmore comes from "old money" and nepotism runs through the entire series. That's not relatable for 90% of the people nowadays. We need new and modern milestones for what it means to be an adult instead of graduating, a career, house, marriage etc. Because they're all very hard to obtain. Figuring out your core values could be an "adulting" milestone, and is easier to achieve. It's very helpful to do some questionnaires on the internet, read some books and figure out what you really like and dislike in life. Not many people pay attention to that, even if they hit all the traditional milestones. There's a reason the divorce rate is also high. Marrying in your 20s is not always wise if you don't know yourself at all.
i agree 100%, as a 25F i got into a mediocre relationship because i was feeling left behind watching my friends get married and pregnant but it turned out to the worst relationship and i didn’t even like the person as he was forcing me to compromise too much of my life but thank God i was brave enough to not drag it out and started to get to know myself
I made all of 9,000 dollars the year I turned 25, which is..... not enough to survive in NYC. And all my college classmates seemed to be on rocket ships.
Eventually, I figured it out. But I didn't come close to self-actualizing until I was seriously more like 35. And it took a ton of work. And a lot of degrees, and therapy, etc. It's going very well now, but I'm almost 40.
20s were a really really stressful and painful time.
-One of your five men
I love my five men. Thank you for sharing ❤️
Thank you for making this video. As an almost 30 year old woman, I'm tired of hearing other people's comments about my life, why I haven't gotten married, have kids, have a car, own a house bla bla bla, as if my life would stop at the age of 30 and there wouldn't be any chance for me to get what I want after 30.
I’m black, and I never really saw myself in any of these films, my hair floats, it doesn’t fall. It’s not easy to just walk into a room without judgmental eyes immediately picking you apart. Being in spaces like this as a girl like me would just feel uncomfortable I would constantly be reminded by people who don’t like me that they don’t want me there because they believe I don’t belong there. That’s why I never became class president, or prom queen, or went to an Ivy League or did anything of the sort, I would feel isolated and picked apart down to the atom. I’m glad to know I’m not alone in feeling behind though. The whole point in living is that there are so many different ways to do it. I wish we would just abolish the capitalist greed structure and have a better environment where there was no overconsumption exploitation hierarchy to claw our ways to the top of.
Love your video!
My hair floats. It doesn't fall🖤 this made me appreciate my curly hair more 😭
thank you so much for adding your perspective
as a Romanian who just turned 30, I would like to thank you for this video
😭😭😭lots of love to you
Another reason could be why men don't really have these "I feel left behind" videos and etc. is because it's not as expected from them. You can constantly hear people go "men mature later" etc., so when women reach the point where society tells them that well you are as good as dead, men get the yes your life is just starting.
Oh dear, I grew up with a cousin my age and we used to get in trouble for the same things as kids, except he was “boisterous” while I was “insolent” for doing the silly things we did
I'm 30 and married. People constantly point out the clock is ticking, are we trying for a baby yet? Will we start soon?
We dont even want kids (Maybe later but not how things are right now in the world). They don't ask my husband. They say he's young to be married. (He's one year younger.) Urgh
Men absolutely feel this way. It’s a universal experience.
What??? Men online just do the im ugly and I have no friends videos, what you guys are on about, about been treated different that is true even in today’s world, but the rest are false and saying things like that it only increases the divide between men and women.
Most men feel the need to provide and protect when society persive that isn’t the case you are labeled a “failure”
As a 30 yo daughter of refugees who lives with parents because culture, I've felt behind many times because - well, I am behind in many ways. My only response is the question that kind of came to me before my 30th birthday: so what? If I'm not doing my best to change something, I'm probably not too bothered by it. I still have a job and a family to take care of, so clearly I'm not an absolute failure. Finding comfort in what you've achieved, being grateful for what you have and trying to change what you dislike might be a tired recipe, but it works for me.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts xx
pls this was needed because why do I feel like an utter mess at 22? This is when you're supposed to be messy right??
My 20's were ok but things started to get better for me after 30. Maybe because I stopped giving a f*ck and started living my life for me and making decisions that make me happy.
But yes my older Gen X parents had a completely different 20s/30s compared to me. In 1997 my parents were 28 and 30, 3 kids, each had a car and owned a house, all on my dad's income. That simply is impossible these days.
Not to mention, your parents also are an exception global wise for their generation. Imagine being in a developing country and this is what you aspire to have while watching Hollywood movies. This was an expectation rather than a big achievement a few can only have
This is a great breakdown of the current situation for many in the Gen Z and Millennial groups. I think the economic shifts from the 00s ended up impacting our lives (I'm a millennial) in greater ways than ever to be expected. This is compounded by the older generations not understanding these nuances and projecting that we are 'lazy' and 'need to work harder'. I'm in my late 30s, I'm currently unemployed and live with my parents, this is most definitely not what I thought my life would look like when I was in university in my early 20s. I feel the answer to feeling less behind isn't to compare yourself to others but to LOOK at what other people are doing to live better lives. I've found that consists of doing the unexpected for your age: changing careers, moving country or taking time off to figure things out and most important prioritize your health.
you make a great point here: to look at what others are doing. This is one of the reasons why I hate the "don't compare yourself to others" advice. Comparison is bad if you do it to measure your value against other people. But it can be very useful it you are trying to compare notes. See someone who has the life you want? try to figure out how they got there. And if the answer isn't blind luck or parent's money, then you might find useful information there!
I feel like we forget that Gen Z are currently also going through the same and this is not just a millennial issue. We grew up with similar media but are both overlooked and told we need to do better to not be in the situation that millennials are in.
Very valid point
Met my now husband at 25, started dating at 26, got married at 28. Bought a house at 30. Even though i did 'the things'. I still feel immensy behind and I can't catch up.
There is so much focus on a successful career. It's drilled into me that you shouldn't want to work in a fast food chain, shop or anything else using your hands. We should use our brains! Anything less than a fancy office is just not acceptable. But that's just not reality. We need people in all sorts of lines of work. I failed in University. Probably will never have a fancy job. And for me that still feels like it's unacceptable.
I also think social media and tv plays a huge part in comparing ourselves to others. My parents were very happy in their rental home with 3 kids. They didnt have a higher education. They just worked and lived a normal life. I just remember seeing these huge houses on mtv cribs, disney channel shows with houses 10 times bigger that our normal sized home. I 100% believed we were poor even though we weren't. And now, seeing all these mansions on instagram and youtube. Were are just constantly bombarded with better stuff, better lives, better travels out there.
*plays violin* 🙄
I am 28 years old. This was a very informative video. I'm really glad that you talked about some of the socioeconomic realities that many of us are facing in our societies. I think this perspective soothes my insecurities more than advice that says, "it's okay to feel behind."
Thank you for making this video.
My pleasure, sending you a big big hug ❤️
I’m 32 and gave up on caring about milestones. Instead I’m trying to enjoy my own life in my own space
I always find it baffling that people believe you're the wisest or smartest while you're in your 20s. I started watching old classic movies in 2020 when I just hit 29 and I instantly realized I'd not have the same deep connection with some of these movies had I watched them in my 20s. You can still learn until you're nearing 80!! these trends are very counterproductive in my opinion, seeing people on social media calling 25 year olds as "hags" is so dystopian and scary to be honest!
my only general goal in life as a 19 year old is looking back at my day everyday and feeling satisfied, like yeah I could die in my sleep and it would be alright, i had fun, im fulfilled, i did stuff i liked or i accomplished something today. but like more specifically consuming media that i like, living in a nice space, having a fulfilling career in my way, and overall witnessing stuff. life is not linear and my goal is for it not to be, life is about learning and experimenting until you die and that the great thing, i like routine but year by year the routine completely changes, i could be in the other side of the world, or have kids in in a couple of years or never, i have no idea and im cool with that it keeps me excited about living.
This isn’t a generational thing. I’m gen x and I felt it too. I legit think this is just people in their 20s in every generation slowly waking up to the fact that media doesn’t accurately depict where people are in their lives at any given age. Like, I felt terrible about not having a house and a husband, but I can count on one hand the number of times I was pressured IRL to my face. It comes from media. You just have to realize that 99% of what you see is BS and stuff gets a lot better.
I just stumbled across this video. I'm 35y/o, I was stuck in an abusive relationship from ages 15-25 that decimated most parts of my life, not to mention exacerbated my bipolar disorder. I never thought I would live this long. I was definitely a "smart girl" growing up and dealing with other people's disappointed expectations of that have been almost as difficult as dealing with my own. I currently survive by the grace of my family. I've taken a lot of steps to become more independent, and I have had to seriously reckon with what it means to be an adult, what it looks like when I'm behind even those who feel behind. I really liked this video and I'm glad I found it. I like your sense of humor, thank you for sharing your thoughts
So sorry to hear about your relationship and so happy and proud to hear that you found the strength to move on from it! Sending you love ❤️
It's not a trend. It's just life. It's a feeling that inspires you to re-evaluate your priorities and change your trajectory for the better.
I have felt behind in life, and I haven't managed to work through any of it, but I absolutely love this content because I think it elucidates exactly what some of the traps of thinking are for our generations and I really appreciate that you took the time to so thoughtfully put it together. "Priced out of hedonism" really resonates with me -- I literally don't have the time or mental energy to put towards drinking and kicking back. Thank you! Subscribed and shared!
I’m turning 21 in a couple of months, so I don’t really fit in the age range that’s depicted here and yet I feel behind in life.
I appreciate so much hearing other people say that they’ve been here and that it gets better.
I’m starting to feel hope in the fact that life can actually get better as you age, and it doesn’t crumble on you when you turn 30.
Loved this btw!
I just turned 22 and i think i feel the same as you. I'm currently retaking high school to get into university which has made me feel behind. I heard for many people it does get better at 30's and I do think that's true however it doesn't make my present feel better cause all my life I was always told "keep waiting cause it will get better" when that's not true I learned. it can only get better when you make changes to your life and when you have supports that match at your stage in life.
@@TravellerZasha you’re right it doesn’t get better if you wait! I had this same realisation some time ago and it was shocking bcs I felt the weight of the responsibility: “ I have to do something or I’ll waist my life” .
But I think looking at it the other way we actually have the possibility to improve, to change things, to change ourselves and that’s the only thing that matters at the end of the day. And every time I feel lacking looking at someone I try to remember that in the end the only person I need to impress and make happy is myself.
Thanks for sharing btw :)
in my experience, it really does get better! just mustering up the confidence to make this channel and the discipline to let negative comments go in one ear and out the other, would not have been possible for me 10 or even 5 years ago. And this is just one example of things that have become better and easier with age. You got this x
@@accordingtoalinalove this thank you so much!! it’s so reassuring to hear, and it def makes me want to continue on this path of self-improvement!
When I graduated from college in my mid 20's I pretty much accomplished everything I wanted in life already. I never wanted to work. I just knew it was something I had to do. My first job was awful, and then I bumped around for a while in the dark, about seven months, not knowing what to do, until I ended up in a job I was finally able to stick with. Once I finally got used to the job, I did feel like I was kind of going nowhere, but I just read books and made youtube videos during that time. I was making decent money and trying to save it up as best I could. I enjoyed life, but felt like I was going nowhere. Then all of a sudden I met someone, got married, and went to grad school. Finished that too. But now in my 40's I feel like I'm going downhill instead of going nowhere, with my declining health in particular. But I'm still happily married and my career still seems stable enough for now, so I can't complain. I accomplished all my goals. Just accomplished them too early. Life is short, but still good.
I think what helped me not to care about being behind is just focusing on myself and my own achievement and also actually telling myself that my path is different from so many people as I am an immigrant from east Europe, and definitely did not start “on the same level” as others.
We all have individual journeys and it’s just incomparable to compare, and yes very often it’s also feels unfair but that’s life I guess 😅
As someone in my late twenties I can relate to this video sooo much! Thank you ❤
as an Albanian girl i can totally relate. I come from a poor family who tried their best to provide for my college and now i’m in Europe but after graduation life has been a living hell for me, that’s why i moved back in with my family since living alone is too damn expensive especially as a single person.
this video came at the right time for me. I was recently fired from my job (i managed to get another two jobs at the same line - i'm a child psycologyst for children with autism and other neurodiversities in Brazil) and this created a huge gape in my brain. Like, im 23 and i was already fired. I still live with my parents, my friends are already doing masters and traveling the world. Meanwhile i'm here, reading book (or trying to) and working 50 hours per week.
Today i've made a realisation that is simple: my life is my life only and i cant compare myself to them. Of course, this thought will variate because our mental health can be really uneasy so i will probably have day where i will be second guessing myself but i really did put things in perspective.
It also helps to write down all the things i accomplished. For exemple, at 23 i alredy have a degree and i'm doing two post graduation courses and also working. So write this down made me realise that im moving at my own time while not being behide anyone because life its not a straight line.
I adore your videos and this one came at the right time.
(english is not my first language so im sorry if grammar/english is not good)
Being proud of your accomplishments is the best thing you can do! Gratitude and self-love (as cheesy as some people might see it) is the way! You're doing amazing 😊🥹🥰
this video, as my fellow gen-z people would say; is *so real.* i have literally always felt "behind in life" even when i was like 12 years old i remember thinking like "i really need to start thinking about my future..."
i think a potential reason for that is seeing all the child stars on television, and seeing in magazines that they "bought a house for themselves and their parents at 16" etc.
i never struggled financially, which i am so grateful for, but it was never lost on me that eventually i wouldn't be a kid, and my parents wouldn't be there paying for my new school outfits and buying me food.
oh the child star thing is ~so real~ for me. Coming from the same generation as Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, I really grew up thinking that you were to old to have a creative career literally after the age of 20 :|
@@accordingtoalina " I really grew up thinking that you were to old to have a creative career literally after the age of 20 :|
I'm 23. Literally feel this exact same thing ever since I have access to the internet which was when I was 19.
I'm mid 20s (older gen z) but I really feel this on so many levels. I had loads of different jobs that never lasted before going back to university, travelled but not for fun, now I'm late and "behind" and can't even relate to anyone at a "prestige" place. It doesn't help that I'm trans and feel behind for that anyway, navigating everything else is difficult enough. The worst thing is when others older than you expect things like learning to drive, as if it everything doesn't take money that younger generations just have no way of attaining yet. Thank you for this video! Idk why the this got recommended but subscribed.
I think a lot of my feelings regarding being left behind is due to being a closeted lesbian. I don't plan to be closeted forever but feel too unstable right now to deal with the consequences of coming out. But at the same time, I feel like I am losing my youth and prime dating years to isolation and depression and lying my way through a lot of social interactions.
sending you so much love. If it's any consolation, my first healthy and fulfilling relationship started at 29. I spent my 20s in and out of terrible relationships and then in the space of 3 months I met and fell in love with the best person I've ever met - 2 years down the line and he feels like the home I've always looked for.
Thank you for this. Feel this affects me so much on a subconscious level even at age 25 and like all my time is literally already gone
i’m 22 and feel so behind in life bc i’m not graduating college until next year
bestie nooooo! I started my undergrad at 24 and finished my masters at 28 - you're light years ahead of me!
At this stage “normal” means nothing. I am in my late 30’s and I have just as many friends married with kids as I have friends who are still single, some of them living with parents and family still. And I’m in the US where living at home after your early 20’s has historically been frowned upon. There is already a new normal where large numbers of us aren’t hitting traditional
milestones, and those numbers will only increase. Time to embrace the new normal without shame.
This video got me thinking things😌thanks for the interesting take on Rory Gilmore affect and how we basically see our life as study plan when all you have to do is study and amount of work you’ve put in your studying always rewards in form of A+ grades
I personally think it’s insane to expect people to make all their highest stake life decisions regarding careers, life partners, and families in the very first decade of adulthood. Like, your prefrontal cortex isn’t even finished baking until 25! This kind of expectation is designed to make anyone with any sort of disadvantage feel like shit, because those disadvantages will naturally get in the way of most of these achievements at an early age.
Wasn't The Devil's Wears Prada more a serious warning _against_ being so obsessed with career? Rather than 'girlboss achieving her dreams' sort of thing. Like didn't she reject the promotion in the end? Yeah she was succeeding in the company but the movie made it clear that she was being favoured by the boss over another employee who had been there for years. As far as I can remember anyway. Her life wasn't exactly a clean linear path (although yes more linear than others, if she was real, she comes across as really lucky) but I don't think it 100% fits into that smart girl trope. So while imo that may not have been the best example, I do think your main point still stands about the general influence we were under of life having a linear path and media *does* reinforce it as well as boomers who had it that straightforward. As one of the 5 guys that watches your vids from time to time, we're under the same spell as well from media. Get the degree/good job, get the house, get married, have kids, happily ever after. Sounds like go on a journey, kill the dragon, save the princess, fall in love, get married, have kids, happily ever after. It's all the same stuff. Lol. 😅
Not saying the spell is necessarily bad by the way. Also, there IS a film of a small town boy making it big in the city, it's called "The Secret of My Success" with the Legend himself, Micheal J Fox. Good movie. Loved it as a teen.
Great video - I think you're really on the money with the expectations vs. reality of adulthood in modernity.
I just turned 19 and I seriously feel behind in every single way, and even knowing that young adulthood is not the same for me as it was for my parents does not make it any better, especially when you have grandparents (baby boomers) who act as if you're behind in everything, when in reality, most people can't accomplish the same things in the same amount of time.
You put my thoughts into words ❤
I'm 23 y/o Russian from a less than average financially well-off family. My soviet boomer grandparents were the last people to afford a property. They did it before 30 with 2 kids too. My grandpa had a typical boomer career story as in he walked into a printshop once, asked to become an apprentice and just worked there until retirement. Grandma's education was actually useful unlike anything you can get today. Education I tried after school was a joke where you could only be successful with connections. I only had 1 job and total year of active job search has given me PTSD. My parents didn't secure any job position or make a savings account for me, they just expected me to figure everything out on my own and that the only way I live separately from them is if I find a man with his own property. Heck, they never even gave me pocket money, I learned to manage my money properly only recently. There was never a hope for me. And now that I have a husband that takes care of me, everyone everywhere says "just get a job and become successful and never be financially dependent on a man!", even my mom who contributed nothing to me becoming successful. While my husband is looking forward to support me in doing anything with my life.
Ughhh that sounds rough. So happy to hear you met someone who loves and supports you ❤️
@@accordingtoalina thank you for bringing up this topic that a lot of us can relate to🙏
I know its annoying depending on how it is said, but not being financially dependent on man or anyone is still good advice, and heck, could even add spice life if youre already content. Think of it also as a form to express love for your man if not for yourself because sometimes you just dont know what life throws at you and it would be a great blessing if you have that back up to support each other. Of course this is at moderation if you’re especially doing child rearing roles
@@mau345 here's the catch - *if youre already content*. But people who force this girl boss thing act like all women have harvard tuition or inherit family business and think everyone has equal opportunities in life.
I feel the same way regarding those 'feeling behind in life' videos. I don't compare myself to others, I don't follow celebrities in social media, I don't seek a luxurious life. I just want a job that allows me to leave my parents house and pay for groceries at 33yo. It's that too much to ask?
You truly hit the ball out of the park with this much needed and authentic video.
so sorry you can relate but hopefully you found some comfort in the discussion
From childhood to now in my 20's I had a traumatic and neglected but sheltered childhood that watching these movies was a cope more me, that as long as I keep living and waiting I'll one day be able to experience these things and yes these thoughts did help me from committing s*icide as a kid, I missed out being a normal child or teen experiences and lack any experience in life and only just this year was able to start over which does bring me daily shamed especially when I'm often compared by everyone more successful and younger than me or told I'm expired or too old to do certain things. However I wonder if anyone else feels that when you finally achieve these milestones later in life you feel disappointment than fulfilled. That you feel angry you could've had this sooner or a sense of regret or loneliness cause you took too long that no one cares cause I do which makes me feel depressed and s*icidal often and make me wish to die before it could get better in my 30's.
This is so good. You've really added interesting points to this conversation. Thank you!
thank you so much for watching xx
Those milestones depend on a society much more stable and competently managed than the one we grew up in. Our parents benefitted from that stability and then sold it off piece by piece. Millennials and Zers are more educated than they ever were, work harder, and make more money, but still get half of what they got for just showing up. These were policy decisions and avoidable problems.
exactly!
I'm 27, dropped engineering after 2 years 6 years ago never went to college again for studying any course. College is not meant for me. I feel so behind with no carrer , right now for me there's nothing scarier than my own future life
Im one of those 5 men who watch your channel, and i just want to say that everytime i see a former classmate posting photos about their weddings or their children i just feel the extreme desire of taking my eyes out with a spoon and unfollow every single one of them on Instagram (the last one maybe a good thing to not feel milestone anxiety which is something that i have been feeling since i entered my 20's)
Aaaah so sorry to hear ☹️
I just lost it. 😅 “Where is this complicated feeling coming from? And, can I blame it on Rory Gilmore?” Continuing on …
So, legitimately, thanks for an intelligent voice in this conversation. This is the good side of social media.
happy to see I'm not just amusing myself lol
I am 32 without a child. Most of my friends have at least one and I try really hard not seeing this as a competition. But when my own mother tells me "wow I am the only one without a child in my friend group' - it is hard not to crack. Or when my friend, who I did not see for 5 years, turns suddenly up just telling that she finally "caught up" with us by getting married in a month and being pregnant. Or when enjoying a grill party at a friends freshly built family house (which I could never afford) and really having a good time playing with her 2 kids, but then the third woman speaks that "wow you are sooo lucky you are turning 30 with 2 kids already" when she herself is 29 with one kid. And then all the eyes turn to me and they say "what bad position you are in"...thanks for reminding, it is not like on my mind every day because there is no other topic now within girls only childbirth and parenthood.
And the top of it, I had to promise to give birth in 5 years (hungarian politics are crazy) otherwise I could not afford our own tiny apartmant with my husband.
So yeah I feel like I am the delusional one trying hard not to think that this as a competition.
I've been struggling a lot recently. Feeling behind in life, contemplating whether I want to get married and have kids, fearing that I'll be manipulated by societies expectations and get married/have kids cause I'll convince myself that I want those things when in reality I don't. It is very complicated, especially when everyone around you is married. Not to even mention how older generation wont leave you alone with "when are you getting married" questions. send help.
Sending hugs
I turned 20 in December and already getting these questions from some members of my family. I currently study at uni, live with my parents and have no partner, which fucking kids do you want from me? I'm basically a child myself. Sending lots of love to you
@@user-rj1lc3lq2d thanks for sharing. sending lots of love to you too
@@user-rj1lc3lq2d thanks for sharing. sending lots of love to you too
I blame it on instant gratification bs: I can see some of my friends feeling like some milestones are taking forever to achieve but it is because life is not a movie lol and everything worth it takes time! I also see some of them thinking that they’re gonna live forever and do not start prioritizing what they need to do to achieve long term goals ..
I can relate so much to this video. Thank you for speaking on this and putting more words on this issue. Im also from Romania, also left my country at a young age and I have been struggling with these thoughts of being behind for the last couple of years, really hit me in my mid 20s. What I have found useful is stopping and thinking about this rationally. Not letting emotions take over my mental space so there is no catastrophizing and looking at everything at face value. Looking at what I accomplished and feeling happy about it. Everything else will fall into place, I am in momentum and it will come in its time :)
it's so hard to stop yourself from comparison with non-immigrants isn't it? Being the first person in your family to be able to do/ afford certain things is so hard.
@@accordingtoalina oh yeah, done that too, comparison with locals, their lives make me think I've missed out on so many experiences 😱 and being able to buy stuff for the first time before ny family kinda makes me feel bad cuz I cannot share it with them, most of the time they don't get it or have no interest in it
My personal experience is similar, I had a plan but life took me too fast and I have so much done before my initial plan by mid thirties. Personally buying a house was my priority bc my parents don’t own one and the anxiety of being old and not having enough money to pay rent was killing me, now that it’s done, I don’t know what else to do 😅
I think we should start applying pressure on men about their biological clock.
Read a study that said there's a strong correlation between advanced paternal age and autism in children. To be clear, I'm autistic, I'm fine acknowledging that a lot of parents would like to avoid that if possible. I just think it would be really funny if we started doing that. Morally good? No. But funny.
lmao
Sorry, you are going insane or projecting 😂 most men can procreate until they drop d3@d, the pressure for men is usually having a girlfriend not babies.
The internet sometimes is too much
Sorry, you are going insane or projecting 😂 most men can procreate until they drop d3@d, the pressure for men is usually having a girlfriend not babies.
The internet sometimes is too much
It's really important to point out that European socialist countires weren't struggling economically because of its socialst system (i'm not saying that the politicians weren't corrupt). They were struggling primarily because of the western capitalist superpowers, which were placing huge political pressure on these countires and were economically sanctioning them. The problem isn't socialism, but the current system which actively tries to undermine alternative ways of living. (I come from Slovenia, a former Yugoslav republic).
I know that this wasn't the point of the video, but I just wanted to add the comment because I think that this is a really important topic.
I live in Ukraine and the way socialists will blame planned economy not being able to compete with free markets on evil capitalists in high top hats will never not be amusing. She barely mentioned a very real terrible situation in which a promise of "bright communist future" left a huge part of Europe and you're already triggered. Yes, the problem was socialism. Get over it already.
P.S. also, Nicolae Ceausescu wasn't just "corrupt", he was a literal dictator, but of course you'll ignore that.
I’m referring to the fact that after the fall of communism (1989) Romania was left at the mercy of western capitalist superpowers AND that in order to pay Romania’s international debt Ceausescu ran an insane economy
it's so true about just not having enough money for adult things. i can't have a car or even drivers license. i can't have a nice house. would have enough for kids. i am literally too poor to live an "adult life" but it is interesting how these specific markers are the things that make us feel adult and behind or not behind in life.
I started off college with my parents divorcing and going bankrupt. I'm barely educated but have some 2 year degree. Good thing I'm someone good at self teaching but job wise I'm all over the place. Things haven't gotten all that much better, but at least I never focused on having a career just learned to be flexible. I'm in my 30's now and hope i can manage to get married and have kids but with my debts I don't know how I will manage. 😞 I'm in school again at a very cheap rate but I'm not sure if the effort is worth it with the job market. It's a tough world out there. I feel bad living at home but with one parent gone and the cost of living it is what it is. Between my health issues and my debt i often feel pretty down.
I feel bad for people who take life seriously. I gave up in high school and have been just enjoying my life since then. I don’t give a single fuck about a career, success, wealth, etc. I just let whatever happens happen and enjoy it as I go along
I honestly aspire to live like this, good for you!
Very insightful. I have something to think about. Thank you
we need a part 2 ❤
In which I just cry bc I don’t know what to do 💀
What helps me. (Although I can still fall back into feeling behind and not likening where I’m at) but what helps me sometimes is to focus on what good is in my life and what “milestones” or rather goals or bucket list items I can check off. Basically as cheesy as it sounds focusing on what is going right in life rather than what is going wrong. Focusing on being grateful for the things that are good in my life. Instead of focusing on what’s going wrong in life. Again easier said than done and I still do fall into feeling behind so it’s not a end all cure for it. But it helps. And they can be small goals too. Like maybe “I really wanted to try sushi and I did” or “I really wanted to finish this specific book or book series and I did” or I wanted to go to this one specific concert and see this one music artist live and I did. Etc… and it’s really going to depend on your own personal life goals. and what you yourself have accomplished and what you value and what you feel is good in your life but looking back on your life and really thinking about all the amazing things you have accomplished and have gotten to do and do have in your life is something that helps. Doesn’t fully take away permanently the feeling but it helps. Seeing the glass half full instead of half empty and again I know very cliche…. I’m not claiming to be a professional. But it’s just what’s helps me.
I'm one of the 5 guys watching!
I’m 31. I had difficult time in my 20s but I feel like I didn’t give such a damn about those times as compared to my 30s where everything has a “last chance saloon” kind of energy and I have way more worries about taking action before it’s “too late”.
I started a lot of the adult milestones rather “late” - I finished college at 24, started grad school @ 25 (finished @ 30), and went to concerts, rode roller coasters, and dated for the very first time @ 29. I recently restarted driving since I got my license when I was 16 (the one “on time” thing besides my HS graduation). I’ve been in school for so long that I’m still trying to figure out who I am outside of it. It wasn’t until I recently got a card reading that I remembered that your 30s is still young in the grand scheme of things and I can still figure out where I want to go next. I also need to give more leeway with making mistakes because I’m tired of the stress of being more perfect the older I get. I’m trying to adopt more of the “better than never” attitude whenever I try to do something new.
I relate more to the animated version of the smart girl trope (think Ami Mizuno or Lisa Simpson) rather than the live action versions (never watched Gilmore Girls and based on the analysis videos, I wouldn’t be a fan) so it’s interesting to see the breakdown of these characters. Intersectionality was not at the forefront of a lot of 90s-00s media so those who don’t fall under the demographics of the main characters really made those lifestyles feel impossible. That’s probably why I leaned more towards fantasy, sci-fi, and animation.
I can relate to so much of this, except ai still can’t drive lmaooo
Seems like the algorithm knows I’m turning 30 soon too lol.
Been loving your work in these videos, I’m planning on making a video about Gilmore Girls soon too so it’s been cool to hear your thoughts.
Also, on a random note, I came across and watched one of your videos because you look EXACTLY like one of my friends. But also stayed for the quality vid essays :)
"And can I blame it on Rory Gilmore?" This made me laugh so loud! 👍👍👍👍😂😂😂😂
All I know is it’s not my fault 💀
Having survived SA and DV, the impact trauma had on me made me feel behind. When I graduated from college before even turning 21, unemployed and still being abused at home I was constantly reminded by peers and family that compared to others I should have a job, money, my own place. When I kept pushing myself to study harder, learn more, advocate for myself on paper to get the interviews and finally (after so many applications) the job offers- I realized that to get "ahead" you had to be steadfast in where you wanted to go and what you would do to get there. For me that looked like sleepless nights, starving just to afford bills, and deteriorating mental health that I attempted to fix with self help books and countless information on healing following trauma. For some life in the early 20's is a endless joyride and for others its not, we may not all have the same experiences or even opportunities but we owe it to ourselves to make our journey one that works for us.
so sorry you went through all of that and I have to commend you for pushing through it. I can't imagine what it felt like. I hope you get the peace and ease you deserve in life
I wonder who the other four guys are 😂. Anyway, most of the "milestone" media for guys seems to center around losing virginity. However, there have been some media that have addressed milestones, such as New Girl and Harold and Kumar. And as a guy in his late 40s who has hit very few traditional milestones, I can definitely relate (though I am far from your target audience).
As a millennial born in Latvia a few years before the soviet union finally collapsed and we were free again from the occupation, I couldn't relate more. All these milestones and other things these creators address are so far from the reality we had to go through. Economic turmoil, parents that are never home because they are trying to earn money, you growing up on your own and raising your siblings, university that I fought for, so I couldn't afford to party, working at the same time because asking parents for money while studying was something I could never do, finally finding a good job when I was around 25, etc. It's like many of these folks from the privileged countries who create such videos are so detached from other realities. What milestones? We create our own milestones. Now, being 37, I'm actually happy that I didn’t have time to compare myself to other 20 y.o. because I had to learn how to survive and stand on my own feet, which actually made me stronger and less dependent on this constant 'milestone comparison' idiocy (now, in my 30s, I just stopped caring). Thank you for the video! ❤
so grateful for this discussion, especially as an immigrant who keeps comparing themselves to people who live in the same country as their parents and get free accommodation through their early graduate years. I realise that sometimes living with your family means you're paying rent with your mental health, but it sure would be nice not to pay half your salary for a single bedroom
Turning 22 in 3 days and for some reason i thought i would have it all figured out by now. Nothing is figured out btw.
You’re doing amazing sweetie ♥️
As someone whose Gen Z, I will honestly be happy if I'm not living with my parents any more by like 25. I'm not stressing about my career right now because I'm still in school and even though I don't know, I'm not exactly feeling hopeless about what my career will be like. The problem for me is probably my social network. My group of friends changes every single year except for one person, and I'm scared that it'll get harder to make connections with people. With dating apps and everything I can at least sort of hope that dating might be fine, but my overall social life is something I worry about more than anything else.
Yeah, there’s a lot being said about the so-called loneliness epidemic/ catch-up friendships - I recommend videos by Mina Le and Rowan Ellis on these topics
YOU ARE 31? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE 21
That’s kind of you to say ❤️
i started to feel behind ever since i graduated high school and some of my colleagues were already getting engaged or having kids at 19-20 years old. meanwhile, i was struggling to pass my exams at uni and couldn't even get a text back 🤣🤷🏻♀️
I’m not in the habit of judging other people’s life choices but… a child at 20 is teen pregnancy I’m sorry. You’re doing just fine 😭😭
@@accordingtoalina yeah, this is what i was talking with my friends and colleagues at uni back then. but still, there were a lot of people that got married or had kids also after they graduated uni at 23 or 24. i guess each one of us has a different life journey
Really going through this right now. I've recently had news that I won't be able to have children because of a chronic health condition. The news was somewhat expected, I had always been told since I was diagnosed in childhood that this might be an outcome. I've always been on the fence about it as well, so I'm not that broken up about it really. But...maybe its because the choice has been made for me? Maybe its because everyone around me are having kids and I'm scared of being left behind. Maybe its one more thing, one more milestone that I have failed at? Or that I will be a disappointment to my husband.
So many harsh, horrible thoughts towards myself, as always holding myself to impossible standards that I would never expect of anyone else. I know I will get through it, but its hard sometimes.
This is so relatable
Personally I relate more to Bridget Jones than Rory Gilmore 😂
I’m Romanian. I live in the UK though. It’s odd that now that I’m married and have a child (all in the last 12 months), the Romanian society (when I visit) somehow is more accepting of me. Sunt “in randul lumii”. I can’t even pretend to “digest” their newly found appreciation of me. I was worthless before these two milestones, now I’m ok 😅 I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve told my relatives to let it go and of course, they never did. Respecting boundaries in Romania is a foreign concept. I was a straight A/10 student too. I do not work in the field I studied, though I paid my loan off so I guess that’s cool. To quote Emily Gilmore, my degree is somewhere “in a box, gathering dust, with the rest of my potential”. School killed any sort of creativity I ever had and 90% of what I learned was useless in real life. So yeah, I felt cheated for a long while, still do, to some degree. And you’re right, how we grew up in Romania, East Europe really, after ‘89 is not the same experience as those who grew up in the West. And yet somehow, we kind of ended up in the same place.
"Respecting boundaries in Romania is a foreign concept" this is so funny cause I just got back from taking my boyfriend to meet the Romanian side of my family anddddd
Hi, I’m the fourth of the five. Like your videos, good work!
Actually we can see a 30 yo Rory in "A year in a life" and she is a definition of a straight A student who after uni couldn't figure out her life. She has fallen behind as she is not comfortable with how her life is progressing, has no job and basically went from a New Yorker journalist to someone who is begging for a job that earlier she would consider beneath her, she is pinning after her uni boyfriend who is engaged and treats her like shit while cheating on his fiancee and she ends up getting pregnant with him unexpectedly. It's litteraly shown like she is a 30 yo teen mom and at Lorelai's stage of life when she ended up pregnant with Rory.
You say traumatic, I hit subscribe 😅 can relate
Sorry to hear but happy to have you
Being gay, due to delayed adolescence in a lot LOT of cases, also means that aside of the financial roadblocks to feeling “adult enough”, feeling behind has a lot to do with how our relationships have developed - not only romantic but platonic and even familial as well (when you came out, if you ever did, if you were accepted or you were ostracized, etc)
But as you pointed out, we didn’t have enough representation either so the benchmarks are way up in “straightland” so, yes… gay female millennial feels much at the back of the pack.
Yes, I grew up hearing a lot of these stories from my queer friends over the years.. sending you love
there was a tumblr post that i saw the other day that you just have to rethink what your "adulthood milestones" should be
I study at uni and I (hopefully) will be a translator, which is quite a prestigious profession in my country. Guess what. I have nowhere to practice. Next year (my 4th out of 5 uni years) I will be sent to public school as an English teacher for 2 months (in Russian universities the so-called "professional practice" is obligatory but I won't be able to offer it as my job experience to my future employer). What I am going to tell kids? Linguistic analysis or socio-political phraseology? I have 0 classes connected with teaching at uni. Not to mention that I have 0 job opportunities in my hometown and eventually will have to leave my family and friends behind in order to find some jobs. Oh, and salaries for translators are only 160-200 dollars now, then in my country at least 500 dollars are needed to live comfortably (without travelling or saving money to buy a house or a car). There are even more nuances but all of the above + 10:00-18:00 classes schedule and inadequate amount of home assignments already make me want to quit. The question is if I'll have so many problems with employment, having a higher education, then what will I do without it?
“And I think the algorithm knows this”
Me rn watching a video that was recommended by RUclips of someone going through the exact same situation as me :🤡 i know watchu mean
They’re watching 👽
Small town guy making it big trope...
The Secret of my Success starring Michael J. Fox.
I'm a first generation German. My father is from the Balkans and I am the first one to have proper education. Still feel behind.
It's crucial to recognize that life is not a race and that personal timelines can vary greatly-emphasizing flexibility and self-compassion can help counteract social pressures and redefine success on our own terms.
I accidentaly followed your life plan, lol...
Good for you bestie xx
Yes, we are priced out of adulthood. If we could claw some of the wealth being hoarded by the older/wealthier generation, the opportunities would grow for us. We can make it happen!
😢😢😢😢😢 tranquilas, vamos a salir de esta situación de bloqueo y fracaso. Somos fuertes, inteligentes y bellas. El mundo no está preparada para nosotras ni para dejarnos brillar.
As a 29 year old lesbian living in a small eastern european country i feel behind in so many ways but mostly cause there are like maybe 5 more gay ppl here and there is no way i can have the same life especially romantic life as my straight friends do. and im not even sure i want it to be the same but thats all i have ever known or seen around me.
Omg I love to see a Romanian here 😔❤️❤️❤️
Genuine question because I’m going to create a RUclips video myself on a similar topic that as a woman in my 30s makes me nervous- how many horrible comments from the toxic side of the manosphere did you have to delete on this video?
I don’t delete comments, so none! Good luck with your vid xx
@@accordingtoalina that’s encouraging! Thank you and keep up the good work! xx
I’m one of the 5 guys. 👍
I've passed just about every milestone I'm going to except the very last one but my only goal now is to see how the next election here turns out⚛😀
So this IS an epidemic
this is an interesting question - it's hard to determine if so much of this content exists because a huge number of people are struggling or it's just the type of content that gets lots of views so content creators just churn it out. but judging by this comment section, it would seem that the former is more likely
❤