"Idk man, murder just doesn't feel the same anymore..." "It's because you're attacking from here *gestures to head*, but you need to be attacking from here *gestures to heart*..."
"How much does the Kobold body weigh?" "10 lbs" "I CAST CATAPULT" Guards: "We're looking for a Stormy" Stormy, emerging from a bag: "STORMY THE GREAT AND POWERFUL!!!" "You're just...giving us a house? Haunted." "N,noooo- yes."
"If your sword needs a therapist that's probably a bad thing. Sentient evil blades can't be fixed." Mine's not evil though, it's just depressed. As for horses, they actually have really good memory.
There was a campaign I played in a while back for a few sessions, and it was... raunchy from the get-go. It was set in the world of Ravnica from the MTG card game, and the first session I joined in on included the phrase "You're dominating Rakdos himself in the middle of his own orgy."
My current DM has a little notebook that he uses to write down all the funny lines our party comes out with. Occasionally, he lets the group have a look and we all get to have a good laugh at lines like "Who said I was going to ask for consent... SHIT, I just realised what I just said!" "This plan is flawless, apart from all the flaws in it." and "I'm not doing anything weird, I'm just trying to save your bunny girl." (In case you were worried, the "consent" line had nothing to do with what you may be thinking it was about. It was just our regular murderhobo wanting to feed prisoners to a monster.)
Oh. Oh no... Well, this comment will get me put on a list, somewhere! "I check Apple Demolisher's health by sticking my finger in its butt." - Rogue "I know female Hyenas are hung. I asked, who's is bigger?" - Barbarian "Wait. WAIT. Could we kill the Azer and have the barbarian carry him on a stick for light?!!" - Life Cleric "How much coffee do we have? ... How much would we need to give the giant an enema?" - Sorcerer "Uh, guys? I think I'm married to a 10k year old dead Elf..." - Artificer "3 Wild Magic surges? Err... I cast Stop Time, turn into a plant for a bit and then cast Finger of Death on myself." - Bard And my all time most cursed quote: "I'm not sure, but either heat metal works or he's got an ass of holding." - Druid This video has made me question so much, but not the quality of the read! Thanks Zyl!
In context, it was a shadowrun game. There was a unicorn breed ranch being used as cover for a secret government lab we needed to infiltrate. During the stealth and investigation we found the refrigerator full of unicorn semen, which made sense sense this was a breeding ranch. Our female player just decided her character needed to breed unicorns when the mission was overand packed a quart of it into her bag. We finally found the entrance to the lab and entered. However, with her on point she accidently set off a monowire and laes trap. Her pack failed and everything in it, including the semen just splatter everywhere. She failed the save against the laes and lost her memory for the last 2 hours. The whole group was laughing uncontrollably as she attempted to RP waking up with no memory of the last 2 hours covered in semen....
Discord and Reddit both like to provide context sometimes, I get the feeling that you need to set the scene a bit sometimes lol. But some quotes are just funnier when you have no clue what's going on
5:42 My first thought was that the bard was going to seduce one of them and convince them to break up. 7:45 I mean, not if they are animated. But otherwise... Yeah...
For the corpse one, that goes for mending too... Raise dead may not restore missing limbs, but you can cast mending to reattach lost limbs and THEN cast raise dead to solve the problem lol
@@twistedpinttavern it didn't pop up at any table I played with, but I get the point of people who suggest making it a medicine check (you need to put it back correctly). From another point of view, mending heals constructs, which probably suggests that this spell can rebuild complex structures on its own.
I mean the tavern brawler feat gives you bonuses with improvised weapons, so you can officially be a tavern brawler with a drunk goblin as your chosen weapon...
This might be one of my most chaotic videos yet...
It was beautiful chaos
Perfection can be found in chaos, my friend. And you certainly found it.
4:28
My Hexblade Warlock: "Actually, my sword was _my_ therapist. It helps that we're both chaotic evil, so we understand each other pretty well."
"Idk man, murder just doesn't feel the same anymore..." "It's because you're attacking from here *gestures to head*, but you need to be attacking from here *gestures to heart*..."
"How much does the Kobold body weigh?"
"10 lbs"
"I CAST CATAPULT"
Guards: "We're looking for a Stormy"
Stormy, emerging from a bag: "STORMY THE GREAT AND POWERFUL!!!"
"You're just...giving us a house? Haunted."
"N,noooo- yes."
Honestly the DM should have known the catapult was coming.
@@twistedpinttavern It will always be chaotic whenever someone asks for clarifications. :D
"If your sword needs a therapist that's probably a bad thing. Sentient evil blades can't be fixed."
Mine's not evil though, it's just depressed.
As for horses, they actually have really good memory.
A depressed sword is at least better than an evil one
In my defense, the sword is so traumatized it can't attack its previous master out of fear
Okay that's fair, I assumed it was a "he's evil but he's cute" scenario lol
There was a campaign I played in a while back for a few sessions, and it was... raunchy from the get-go. It was set in the world of Ravnica from the MTG card game, and the first session I joined in on included the phrase "You're dominating Rakdos himself in the middle of his own orgy."
That is quite the welcome to a game lol
“I’ll just stand in the safety of the hag’s hut”
"Safety"
"I can take that many"
in a fight, right?
...right?
My current DM has a little notebook that he uses to write down all the funny lines our party comes out with. Occasionally, he lets the group have a look and we all get to have a good laugh at lines like "Who said I was going to ask for consent... SHIT, I just realised what I just said!" "This plan is flawless, apart from all the flaws in it." and "I'm not doing anything weird, I'm just trying to save your bunny girl."
(In case you were worried, the "consent" line had nothing to do with what you may be thinking it was about. It was just our regular murderhobo wanting to feed prisoners to a monster.)
"THAT TEA WAS LACED WITH LSD!"
*casually* "That explains the spiders." *takes another sip*
I mean, if you're already seeing the spiders you might as well see it through.
@@twistedpinttavern LOL! I think that was his motivation. 😆
7:09 tbf, they are explicitly carefully removing the chicken from the canon
Oh. Oh no... Well, this comment will get me put on a list, somewhere!
"I check Apple Demolisher's health by sticking my finger in its butt." - Rogue
"I know female Hyenas are hung. I asked, who's is bigger?" - Barbarian
"Wait. WAIT. Could we kill the Azer and have the barbarian carry him on a stick for light?!!" - Life Cleric
"How much coffee do we have? ... How much would we need to give the giant an enema?" - Sorcerer
"Uh, guys? I think I'm married to a 10k year old dead Elf..." - Artificer
"3 Wild Magic surges? Err... I cast Stop Time, turn into a plant for a bit and then cast Finger of Death on myself." - Bard
And my all time most cursed quote:
"I'm not sure, but either heat metal works or he's got an ass of holding." - Druid
This video has made me question so much, but not the quality of the read! Thanks Zyl!
"Ass of holding" was not on the list of things I expected to read today lmao
My no context ones
"Why am i covered in unicorn semen?"
"I ride the spider trex out of the hole to stab the lich"
Unicorn... what now?...
In context, it was a shadowrun game. There was a unicorn breed ranch being used as cover for a secret government lab we needed to infiltrate. During the stealth and investigation we found the refrigerator full of unicorn semen, which made sense sense this was a breeding ranch. Our female player just decided her character needed to breed unicorns when the mission was overand packed a quart of it into her bag. We finally found the entrance to the lab and entered. However, with her on point she accidently set off a monowire and laes trap. Her pack failed and everything in it, including the semen just splatter everywhere. She failed the save against the laes and lost her memory for the last 2 hours. The whole group was laughing uncontrollably as she attempted to RP waking up with no memory of the last 2 hours covered in semen....
i asked my DM once: "Can i use my Bonus action to insult the Hobgoblins Mother?"
The answer better have been yes.
@@twistedpinttavern Well the answer was "roll intimidation"
the amount of people on the discord who don't seem to understand what "no context" means is really upsetting to me.
Discord and Reddit both like to provide context sometimes, I get the feeling that you need to set the scene a bit sometimes lol. But some quotes are just funnier when you have no clue what's going on
Also look I will simp for my trauma dumping sword husband and no amount of logic can persuade me
I admire your commitment to him lol
"We're gonna Hasselhoff it"
Could mean SO many things lmao
@@twistedpinttavern I dunno, could be anything
I was fighting my great great grandniece in a PvP for the grandniece one
Ahhh makes sense
5:42 My first thought was that the bard was going to seduce one of them and convince them to break up.
7:45 I mean, not if they are animated. But otherwise... Yeah...
For the corpse one, that goes for mending too... Raise dead may not restore missing limbs, but you can cast mending to reattach lost limbs and THEN cast raise dead to solve the problem lol
@@twistedpinttavern it didn't pop up at any table I played with, but I get the point of people who suggest making it a medicine check (you need to put it back correctly). From another point of view, mending heals constructs, which probably suggests that this spell can rebuild complex structures on its own.
Is there an official ruling on if I can gain proficiency with corpses using the weapon master feat?
I mean the tavern brawler feat gives you bonuses with improvised weapons, so you can officially be a tavern brawler with a drunk goblin as your chosen weapon...
Would like to hear some of the wilder ones
I'll definitely get a part 2 going at some point lol
I know I have a pretty wild quote