marital conflict
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 30 дек 2020
- A discussion on what makes conflict terrible and how to make it better. This content is a summary of the Gottman’s “four horsemen” research that can be found in their book:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
Outro song “Tides” by Surname
Thank you for making this on RUclips so we don’t have to pay. Some people can’t afford a therapist but that shouldn’t mean they can’t find ways of being a better person for their partner or just being a better person overall. So truly, thank you so so much for all that you do.
Man I am in tears half way through this video. I swear he is talking directly to me!!
I am literally sitting here in tears bc I feel like I’ve finally found something that might help my marriage get better. I love my husband with all my heart but we are complete opposites and we argue about a lot. I just told him thank you for something he did for me today and the look on his face was one I never seen before. Idk why I’ve never thought of these things but I’m so glad I found you! Now if I could just get him to watch these videos with me I believe we could have a much smoother life together. I’m going to start working on is now though regardless. Thank you so much for sharing this with me and everyone!
I came here from tiktok, you're so amazing man and have helped me so much with your content. I am currently struggling with the end of a relationship with a narcissist, can you do a video about narcissism.
I think if you can check all four you are really close to dealing with NPD or ASD. I know I was. I had to end it with mine. The only positive changes she has made has been from court orders and she fought the entire way.
I needed to listen to this... my marriage has been struggling and this is such an eye opener.
These videos really help me understand what went on with my ex. It's helping me become a better person, thank you (:
Same
Me too
As a man , overcoming pride is often difficult but videos like this humble me and call me out on my faults and I couldn’t thank you more !
Agreed
Omg you nailed it. I am high intensity person and my husband stonewalls me...which makes me feel more intense. Thank you for sharing this...it was just what I needed to hear.
Came here from your tiktok, going through this right now and this really really helps put some perspective on what I need to work on. Thank you
I've never felt more seen. Thank you so much.
Bless you for explaining so many things, ways to help and how to actively work on relationships in a healthy way.
💜💕🦋🔥👑🔥🦋💕💜
I stonewall and I hate it cause it really just makes everything worse. Then when I’m alone I have all these things in my head that I plan to say and the moment I see them it’s like i physically can not bring it up. Then they get mad cause I never come forward with the effort to fix the problem, they always have to bring it up and then I end up back in the pattern of stonewall.
Bro same and I don’t know how to fix it.
youre most likely not able to bring them up because somethings making you think it wont solve anything , most likely your emotions. theyre discouraging it because youll be coming out of being comfortable with that pattern and theyre always wrong in situations like that. so you should try to recognize it when it happens and try to stop submitting to them
Thank you so much for this. Much needed at this time. It's literally like you were just in my home and then made this video.Going to rewatch this and take notes.
Thank you for this level of detail. Thank you for sharing!
I hope you know what an impact you've made on SO many lives. Thank you.
This is my favorite video of yours. So helpful and insightful!
This hit every nail on the head. Thank you for this; I hope to apply it to myself and my relationship(s).
THIIIISSSSS this is the information I’ve been looking for!!! I can relate to so many of these examples! Thank you so much!!!❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much. You really know how to explain all kinds of ideas to me, that haven't sounded logical before. I learn something new every time. I'm really grateful for your videos.
Thank you so much! This is very helpful and I’m going to practice these methods. Will also be sharing this with my husband. I think you’re completely right, we fall into patterns. I know that my husband and I are ready to pave a new way and get off of the bumpy road we’ve gotten so accustomed to
this video really helps me understand how to go about things, i never want to offend anyone or come off a certain way but i’ve noticed that by doing that I become dismissive of my own feelings to reassure someone else’s. I really love how this video shows how you can express your emotions and your needs without placing blame or any negative outcome.
Amazing information! Came from Tiktok and your the 1st person I found and followed. Thank you SO much for giving YOUR time and information! THANK YOU! This will be on repeat until I grasp this. SO helpful!!
Thank you so much for your content. Your delivery is so impactful and the information is applicable and effective and I really appreciate that. Thank you so many times over.
I am so incredibly grateful to have found this RUclips page. I am not in a financial state to be able to afford therapy for myself, but these really are helpful. Thank you, from a daughter and a fiancé and a friend, thank you for your words of advice.
I saw your tik tok about this video and it instantly pulled me in. I have been having problems with my parents and dealing with conflict for a very long time so i am definitely taking notes and will try go get them to watch this video so we can all reflect and try to better our furniture conversations. Thank you for the advice
Hey Matthias, I love your videos. I see most of them and most of them hits me. I'm super grateful of your time here.
This has open up a big opportunity for communication and a better understanding. My husband and I had a big fight the other day that cross the lines and this video has thought us some great things and now we can analyze what went wrong, and how we can fix it. Thanks for all your knowledge and the way you express helps us understand why we are acting a certain way. This is just wonderful. Please keep going because you just save a 20 year old marriage. ❤️
I found you on TikTok and I was blown away by the 60 seconds I had to come here for more. Thank you for sharing your time and talents...you've helped to make me a better partner, but most of all helped me to become a better friend to myself. Thank you and please keep your content coming. Blessings on you and your family.
I am only 3 minutes in and already I've seen both my husband and myself. And we have just recently had a conflict of emotions. And we both follow you. And we both want to find every possible way to improve. I'm sending it to him now, before I press play. And already, I am saying 'thank you', because I have a feeling we both needed this.
Please make a podcast!! All you’re videos are so helpful. Thank you for doing this 🙏🏼
Damn, I really needed this today after a conflict yesterday. Thank you.
You have truly helped me through my 26 marriage.. almost divorced but your videos are truly helping our marriage, thank you 🙏🏻 you are truly appreciated!
I found your videos on tiktok and I instantly had to follow. This has to be my favorite video so far because I am currently going through issues with my significant other and I am really trying to learn how to communicate better, this helped me get some ideas to try. Thank you so much for your videos. Wish I could have an actual session with you some day.
Please make more of these. So helpful!
Very insightful and helpful. Thanks so much!
I was watching a jay shetty video and I believe he said something like, practice not assuming the worst in your partner. Which I think is similar to what you’re saying here. It’s something I think we’re all susceptible to until we actively think about it. Great advice! Love your videos
Wow, this is phenomenal content and really building!
Thank you for sharing this. I could identify with many parts of it.
Thank you for the video. I think I need to watch this everyday until I build these skills.
I love your videos. Thank you!
I bought this book based off your recommendation in your q&a and it's so spot on for me. I recognize the four horsemen in my marriage and it's so helpful seeing how to make these simple yet effective changes. Thank you, Matthias!!
What’s the name of the book?
@@amandawest1567 Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman
@@laurakillingsworth8418 Thank you!!
This was sooo helpfull.. can't expres how happy I'm that I found your channel through tik tok. Thank you and please don't stop you deserve so much appreciation
Thank you for helping me with my relationship. It’s so hard now a days.
Thank you. I'm always striving to be better. ❤
Good work, Matthias. Thanks for these good reminders.
Gottman was one of the first relationship books I read after getting married. Solid content.
Thanks Dallas!! Yes! So good
Thank you. This was incredibly useful today.
Thanks Matt my husband and I will try to do the exercise it’s something we should be doing but fall short after 10 years
I came here from Tiktok and I’m crying right now because I really really really needed this!!!
You are an awesome communicator👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
This video really helped me understand. Can you go over more about dealing with a marriage that has repeated issues.. where the other person feels that they don't change and the other person feels they're doing everything they can?
Saw him on Tok Tok too, he has great advice, and is spot on with the topics & issues he covers
I wish I could sit down and just talk to you, your tiktok videos have helped me sooo much you don’t even understand you’ve really made me open my eyes
Thank you so much. So much.
What do you do when you take the time and they don't want to finish the conversation? They just wake up and act like nothing happened.
This is my exact situation. Every scenario in the beginning. I want to save my relationship. Thank you.
So helpful! Thank you!
Thank you Matt 🥺
My relationship with my Ex had all four of these issues. Unfortunately she wanted me to make all the changes so she didn't have to. After months of therapy and her behaviors getting worse and lashing out at our therapist I asked for a divorce. But this is really good that these were all identifiable traits. I didn't know there were other sides two these four but since she wasn't willing to work on any of time.... It was for the best since im no longer tied to an abuser and im not enabling her anymore. I just wish I saw the signs sooner.
Thank you @Matthias J Barker for this. I took the notes and when I get into a relationship in the future I will attempt to use these tools if and when they come up. 🤍
Why this resonates so much with me and my ex-husband. Everything that you said I feel like I’m doing it and I don’t want to, I don’t wanna hurt him, I don’t wanna make him feel like he is not worthy, I want him to be happy I want him to be loved. I love him but I know love is not suppose to hurt or make him change the way I want him to be. We are just totally different people and personalities.
I really needed this thankyou!🙏
What do I do when I express my needs like this and my significant other says he hears me and will give me what I need, but sinks right back into his old habits?
Same
Just amazing.
Wow. Thank you so much
This is so amazing 👏
This is my marriage currently and now my husband is deployed for a year and we still can’t have a conversation over the phone. 🤦🏻♀️ I do share these videos with him and this by far explains me and him. My previous therapist sucked and fired! I’m so happy I found you on TikTok❤️absolutely hand down the best explanation. How can you be come my therapist🤞🏼You nailed everything we are going through. Question is, is it to late?
Thank you so much this helped so much!!
I came to this from tik tok after my significant other of 2 years and I almost ended things... I watched this before he did and I really hope this helps us, I took a lot of it
Bro I love your vids.... Keep em coming
Thanks for posting this....I hope it helps.
Your the man Matt 💯 you help me all the time our marriage has went from something I don't wanna be apart of too..... oh my gosh how are you guys so good together, I wish I had that in my life lol. Its practice alot of practice and determination also the way u described the tictoc thing I know that was a real fight 🤣 its good to know even the best go through the same thing.. My wife is like we should never fight we been together through so much we shouldn't have too...I know that isn't true if a couple says that they never fight thats a lie right?? I mean that or the other person is dominating their significant other and that isn't real love because they can't express themselves? Anyways tictoc is a great help too those small tools help alot of people make one lil better decision and the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world one little thing at a time are usually the ones that do it. Keep doing you man I see u make a difference everyday
I just love u bro thank you 🙏🙏❤❤
Terry Real is also an awesome relationship therapist. Check out his Fierce Intimacy. It takes it even deeper. Good stuff!
Thank you so much
I came from TikTok and yup I needed to listen to this!
Thank you for making my marriage better.
I stone wall my husband. Once his voice rises, I shut down. I can’t handle the energy.
I didn’t know what that was called until I saw your comment so thank you. Because I do the same thing. And I never knew the term of what it was that I was doing.
I came from tik tok from your tik tok. You totally hit the nail on the head..
Your definition of stonewalling is exactly right. It’s out of fear not that they don’t care. I can relate %100.
Bless you
YAY I’ve been waiting on another video
You’re amazing!
Thank you again for posting Matthias i look forward to your videos every week
I wish you would make another video about child ptsd
Check out my video on childhood trauma!
@@MatthiasJBarker i have love it .....ive watched it probably 1k times
You are helping me.
The stonewalling and my fight mode is the main issue in my marriage. My husband stonewalls and I automatically think he doesn't care. I cried when you explained how the person that is Stonewalling feels. Ugh 😭😭 I will take a break and calm down next time
Could you please go more In depth with how you move on when your still in love with someone else? How do you learn to move on and let go? I caught a clip on TikTok about this situation I’d love to hear more!! Thank you your an ideal to me!
My wife and I are in our 1st few years of marriage and we're in the conflict phase.
We've had so many troubles that we've haven't had time to relax, enjoy, and love on each other without having to worry about emotions, hurt or pain.
Wow I can relate to this
Well said.
Amazing video! I think my partner and I could both benefit from this watching this video. Anyone have any tips on how to approach this without causing and conflict or her feeling attacked? Thanks guys.
How can I have a gentle startup without letting my insecurity get in the way?
I was separated from an abusive husband for a year. He was an alcoholic and very abusive. Well because he was severely depressed i checked on him by text like once a week. We had a daughter together. He didn't respond to my text 3 days in a row. I sent the police for a wellness check. The next phone call was the coroner saying im sorry for your loss. We were together 23 years. Im devastated. I can function. I can't keep food down. I don't know how to get through this. He was surrounded in his recliner by about a hundred empty bottles of scotch, whiskey, bourbon. The coroner said it was natural causes and didn't do an autopsy. I talk to a therapist from the domestic abuse shelter every week. I don't know how to move forward. I have to clean the apartment 😩. Im disabled and my daughter is disabled and I feel so alone
I wish that I saw this before he left me... I really believe that knowing all this before he left would’ve saved our relationship.
I am most definitely the one that blows up. And my husband shuts down. My brain told me that he didn’t care. But once I watched this, 🤯.
This should be podcast
Helpful
Hi Mathias, could you please dive into personalizing and how it relates to boundaries?
I feel like I struggle really hard with conflict in my relationship in a sense of I place a lot of blame. And your video really helped me understand that a bit more. I was wondering though how to get out of deep rooted contempt in a relationship with someone who experiences depression. I feel like when I convey an issue if I'm not angry then it creates a sad environment and he reacts with a sort of hatred for himself for not following through with something or not doing something a certain way. It's difficult to solve issues sometimes because in response I will just put off bringing it up until it's already such a huge problem. So is there any advice for dealing with conflict when you're with a partner who has depression or struggles with something like it? Like when I don't place the blame on him then he does it himself and I'd rather be the bad guy than watch him dig a hole in his head alone, yknow?
Thank u
do you have any videos about men not wanting to put any effort into a relationship?
You’re very insightful! I love your content.
I have a question though... anyone with an answer, feel free to respond. Would love for Matthias to respond 🥺
With the example given of you using TikTok and coming home late- she asks what happened to cause you to be late. Instead of telling the truth, you lie (for whatever reason whether you don’t want to upset her or for personal issues) and she believes those lies because she doesn’t have any evidence to prove that you are lying. How can you get out of those kind of situations?