Marriage Isn’t for the People Who Are Married, It Is for the Children
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- Опубликовано: 24 авг 2022
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When my husband decided to become a crack addict and abandoned us after we had our two children after 25 years of marriage, I told my very young children that God PROMISED to be father to the father-less. It was not easy raising them as a single mother, but I also knew to call on the name of God everyday. HE PROMISED NEVER TO FORSAKE US. My children are now grown and I could not be more proud of them. They are loving, honest, hard workers and I feel so blessed everyday.
😊❤️🙌
I am happy for your kids well being. Just something I would like to object to - You don’t ‘decide’ to become an addict. Nobody wants to be an addict. They just want relief from their trauma. Addiction happens.
@@GurjeetSingh-ik7dv that sounds so sweet but the reality is that he had achieved his dreams of making lots of money and went crazy with pride and arrogance.. he chose to “try” crack because his crack”girlfriend” talked him into “trying” crack. That was her job… to get middle aged successful men addicted to crack. It took me years to understand what happened… he seemed so happy and I was very happy. One day, I was listening to James Dobson, from Focus on the Family. He said, sometimes marriages get destroyed from too much money and success…I realized… yes… that was exactly what happened
You mean "when me and my husband"
Get it right
Decided, lol
I tell young people, “don’t believe the screen. Marriage is not a vehicle of personal happiness. It is a foundation of stability for future generations.”
Say it again... the feelies are going to come and go. But the commitment to raise the next generation in a stable and supportive home is the backbone.
So true. I’m a new parent of two in two years (definitely no more). Kids take up too much time and really are a wedge between parents. In the end, it’s always about them not us.
So the answer is don't get married or don't have kids...? Love and life is a constant battle either way, the great fight against oneself's egocentric tendencies.
Then I think people shouldn't get marriage or have kids if they don't have the financial stability, emotional stability since it's only a waste of time and energy getting into a relationship. Don't expect to find personal happiness through marriage.
It’s bad for the kids if the parents don’t like each other and fail to model a loving relationship. The parents are the foundation of the nuclear family - even when they are fully committed to the kids.
I never married or had children. I tell people (I am now 69) that I will die and hope to be buried in my backyard with my dogs. I will soon be forgotten. You will be remembered by the children you left behind and the quality of their lives will be a testament to the job that you have done as a parent.
Every life is impactful, I am sure you made yours as well.
Read "The Denial of Death" by Ernest Becker. It'll give you some extra perspective
I am now 73 and I have been divorced 27 years now… I never dated another man or anyone… way too busy … I do not regret that . I loved my ex-husband and knew I would never love anyone as much… we had 23 out of 25 wonderful years. Crack totally changed him into a person I could not recognize in any way… physically, emotionally or spiritually.
Mary Sisak you sound like a very sweet person. My children got me a dog after they moved away… he’s my shadow. Dogs are great company and he forces me to walk him miles everyday… which is very nice
@@10ftSamsquanchy thank you
What Dr. Peterson says is very true, I had a very good experience in my years as a Boy Scout troop leader in the 80s, I had children who came from single-parent families, and they brought them to me so that I could discipline as if I were their biological father, their mothers called me to complain about them. The most I could do was see them on Saturdays and some days a week, and advise them to follow the right path. Today many of those children are professional men and have families. I am married but I do not have natural children, but I have spiritual children who call me on Father's Day. That is enough for me.
What about all the kids who came from unmarried couples who cared for their kids just as much or more than married couples? Or are you too antiquated at this point?
@@fiddlepants5947 To observe the existence of contrary points is not a refutation of the main point. In other words, the fact that kids who come from non-traditional families can have love and success is true, but it does not change the fact that children are better off in households where both parents are present, caring, and loving.
For the rest, if their parents would just stop being stuck on themselves and just care for the child, and actually care for them, then those children would avoid a tremendous amount of pain and heartache.
But yes, some marriages are not well off. So? How could we possibly expect perfection in this world? We can't, but we can still hold on to the fact that ideals exist, and we can try to move toward the idea, instead of just throwing up our hands, giving up, and calling it all a lose. There is hope, and there is God out there, but way too many people reject all of those ideas to follow some hedonistic idea of what an "enjoyable" life should be like.
@@kenton6804 I'm not making a contrary point. In fact, I'm pointing out the false dilemma logical fallacy in the original comment. The guy is trying to say that kids either have married parents OR a single parent.
@@kenton6804 And to you I say "Well, what about all of those people out there who reject the notion of a god not because they're hedonistic, but because they search for a deeper truth?" Nothing in this world scientifically proves the existence of a god, so therefore there's no reason to believe in such. There's also no reason to NOT believe in such, since we cannot prove the non-existence either!
@@fiddlepants5947 He wasn't saying that they are only in single parent households, or just married households, but he was simply making an observation from his past, namely the 80s, where it was much more common, and possibly the rule in some places, that you were either in a single parent household or a married parent household. There was nothing in his comment that implied that only one or the other exists, only that that's what he saw at the time.
And I could go on and on about whether one can prove the existence of God, but I could point to the stars and their nearly infinite majesty, or the sun in its glory, or the rain in its gentleness, or the plants in their simplicity, or the animals in their yearning, and I will tell you that that alone gives me hope that there is a God. Not proof, but it does give me reason. And there is more than that, the glance of an eye, the warmth of a hand, the connection of two souls, the sounds of life, the yearning in my heart, and the depth of the principles that govern life and all things also give me hope, and are evidence of God's handiwork and creation. Though they are not infallible, definitive proofs, they are proof and evidence to me of him. But to say there is no reason is to assume that if there is a God, that we simply have to follow him. Though I think we should follow him, he gives us the moral agency to choose for ourselves what we'll do with our lives. To think that we have to follow God if he exists is to say that we shouldn't have our own minds and existence. Rather, we can be separate, and we can willingly choose to follow Him, if we want to, and all He does is invite us to. Certainly, there is much reason to follow God, but it doesn't mean that we have to.
"once you have children it's not about you"
And thank God for that! The sheer relief I felt at the birth of my children, that I could just abandon so much emotional baggage because I had to look after them is something I can never fully repay them for. No exaggeration but my children saved my life.
Amen. It used to be I could support myself working three months a year and I'd just mess around the other nine. My children have made me so much better, better for me and better for everyone else.
Very well said. I agree!
They make you grow up, FAST.
Amen!!!
Happy being childfree and married 20 years. I love my husband and our life together. We just didn’t want kids. Never thought it would make us grow up. We like being childlike and have money to do things we like to do.
This man just makes sense.. He explains things so that an simple person could understand..
It can be both simple and complex you choose, it goes a couple layers deep but you can easily just take firts one or two layers of information for yourself.
Why make it complicated?
@@LilithsCosmicLounge I ò>(ki(io(((k>I kkk(kkķjj in on lp
My Dad was an alcoholic and I loved him my whole life. My mother was the worker. I resented her harshness with me, but I sure respect her now. We would have crumbled without her. I still miss my Dad..Life is strange.
I grew up with an absent father and as a woman I looked for men who had the qualities I always wished my father had. I am very grateful that I met my husband who has been an amazing partner as well as a spectacular father.
Same!
Same here !
I unfortunately found the exact replica of my father… and Im unhappy buy already have a child with the guy. He is an amazing father for now(baby is still small), but a terrible partner to me…
My parents divorced when I was five, my bothers eight and ten. We all suffered very much - drug addiction, mental illness, suicide attempts, etc. Thirty years later, there’s been much healing and overcoming and forgiveness, but the lifelong wound is still there.
It's just quite sad that this is not accepted as obvious truth.
A lot of things about life aren't immediately obvious even to very intellectual or experienced people
@@vatonage1599 They aren't obvious till a great tragedy strikes. Afterwards, people behave for a little while until they degenerate again and again. The cycle is endless, till human race goes extinct.
@@vatonage1599 no they are very clear, democrats want to rip the nuclear family apart.
is it not? when did that happen, within last 10 years??
Nor should it be obvious. Established truths, axioms, first principles and so-called commonsense positions should be questioned and interrogated. If they lack logic, concepts can be improved. If they are detrimental, discarded. If reasonable, kept.
Marriage existed for a VARIETY of reasons, most of which being antiquated, and purely theological. That being said, the irreligious such as myself can still acknowledge the utility of marriage as a stabilizing element in society and for the family life.
However, I don't blame people for despising the institution when they see the divorce rates, dysfunction for those who stay, and rates of adultery as evidence of humanity's polygamous nature.
Something we have completely lost sight of in the modern western default family structure is the support of others -- especially Stay-at-home moms. Many new moms don't have any experience caring for babies until they have their own, and historically, they would have grown up helping older moms, and in turn, received help from aunties, cousins, sisters, etc. Instead, what I hear consistently from fellow moms is "I'm lonely, I'm exhausted, and I just want someone to hold the baby for a minute so I can take a shower." Many moms in modern countries today are utterly isolated. PPD is extremely common. In areas where there is more community support (such as the traditions of intense postpartum care, "40 days," etc.) PPD levels are very very low. It is unnatural for women to be thrown into parenting without any consistent support, to be isolated from adult society, and to lose any previous healthy hobbies and social life for years as she raises her children. Playdates do not provide the adult interaction these SAHMs need. It's hard, but we need to re-structure our default to include regular, consistent support for moms.
I keep saying the same thing! I have stayed home since 2014 and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I got severely depressed bc I literally had no support, I lost myself.
Absolutely ❤️ LoveThis. I had a child in the Western world having been born in Africa where i saw a village raising a child. I was so shocked at the exact issues you wrote mothers go through as I had never seen anyone go through such experiences in African communal life.
@@faithsrealtalk2292 I honestly feel like this was done on purpose in the western world. Separate everyone so you have no support.
Well said. It’s hard to express what your existence is limited to as a new mom - in any other context - work, prisons etc - they would say it’s inhumane to be unable to take toilet breaks, or attend to personal hygiene, but many young moms are doing this every day. Now, of course, it’s natural and I’m not calling the baby’s normal demands inhumane it’s just a difficult phase, but support is commonly lacking especially from men who selfishly attend to their own rest needs in entire evenings and weekends, to the detriment of their wife and therefore child. Some dads are truly something else though, I respect those men doing a long weeks work and turning up for the family after hours too.
That’s very true. Thankfully I have a husband who is as much involved in child care as me. But still it was a shock in the beginning when I was left on my own with my first baby. My only thoughts were: I want my life back.
I was raised with married parents until I was 10. I can remember what life was like with mom and dad in the home and what life felt like after. There is no comparison it is so much better for both parents to be in the home. When the divorce happened and dad had to move out it was awful. I can still see the pain in his eyes as he hugged me goodbye. For me the light went out. Home was the same address as before and I was still in the same room I'd always known but home wasn't there anymore. At 10 its pretty dam hard to explain what that means or how I really felt. As when upset at school or church talking to some counselor when I just kept saying "I wanna go home" they'd say something stupid like oh ok well we'll call your mom to come pick you up. They had no idea. The home I'd always known was nothing more than a cold empty house and I was on my own. 13yrs later I was married with a little girl and it all happened again. Somebody just wasn't "Happy" and decided to destroy our home. I will never forget looking into my daughters eyes knowing dam well what was going to happen to her as it had me. I fell to my knees hugged her tightly and sobbed telling her how sorry I was I couldn't stop it. I have pictures of her thru that time I can not look at as you can see her broken spirit. Rips ur guts out. That was 25yrs ago and her mother is so guilt riddled over it and won't forgive herself. There was a 3rd marriage but mental illness took her away from us ending in yet another little one with a broken heart. After all that I am done for there is just a small piece of who I am left and by God I am keeping it all to myself.
I miss my home too bud....
Give that small, however fragmented, left over piece of self to Jesus, He will never forsake you or abandon you but restore you. I honestly hope you find true love and validation in His presence. And thank you for sharing your experience, I don't think I have ever heard anyone describe the loss of a parent to divorce in such a way.
@@therhymeofbadilia3204 It is that way. It is absolutely devastating. That is why Jordan says, 'marriage is not about you' And yes, Jesus / Yeshua is the great Healer when we come to Him. There will also be complete healing for His people some day, when He says the leaves of Tree of Life will be for healing of the multitudes.
If Christ is the center of both parents lives, that is the glue that keeps mom and dad together.
I’m so sorry to hear that. When these women leave their husbands, they do not realize that they are destroying everyone in the family particularly the kids.
Since she already left and you can’t unfortunately go back in time and reverse the divorce, be the best father you can possibly be to your kids. Be the stable rock in their life. Be their foundation and support. Show them what a good father is and teach them well, so someday they can marry a good person and have children and stay married. Then you will be a happy grandfather. You are doing a great job.
I am currently a single mom with a son and a daughter. I am a Christian who sees the importance of church and am praying my son will grow up with good mentors around him that can encourage and uplift him. I believe God has provided and will provide in that area
i wouldnt bet on it. too many studies show kids need dads in some form
@@bradhaines3142 ok. What should I do then?
@@justpeachy4393 where is dad?
@@genesisalvaradomelgoza2628 literally across the ocean from me lol .. and there's a lot more to the story too
Sorry to hear about your story :( I grew up with a single mom also
When this pendulum settles, I wonder if we’ll find the middle ground? The love and enjoyment between husband and wife must be strong. It forms a foundation that the kids can rely on.
And what if there is no love, what if the love was killed by husband's systematic solicitation of street walkers (endangering wife's life and lives of theirs unborn children), obviously behind her back, living a fake, facade life as a loyal family man...what should she do? Should she stay with someone who takes her for granted, doesn't support or encourage her? Should she model that kind of relationship as a blue print for future relationships of her children??
@@DandMProduction that’s very hard. A lot of pain there I’m sure 😢❤️
I can see you love your children dearly and want to do what’s best for them in the long run.
Please take my suggestions with a grain of salt. I am not a therapist. What I have had, is about 10 years experience working on a difficult marriage, and having success.
I believe love is worth fighting for, and saving, if possible. Sometimes it is, sometimes it’s not.
I would say it depends on the husband’s attitude about the infidelity. Has he acknowledged the damage it has caused to you, the children and himself, and is taking the necessary hard steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again?
It would take a lot of forgiveness on the wife’s part for the relationship to be able to recover and flourish again. Also buckets of humility from both husband and wife, and a deep willingness to do what it takes to make the other feel loved and respected. Again, I believe love is worth chasing and fighting for, and recovering, if at all possible. Sometimes there are solutions we are not yet aware of.
I will be praying for you, my friend. I hope for the best for you, your children and your family ❤️
Agreed, people prioritize the children too much and this quite literally leads to the death of their marriage. We need to get out of this child centered model. The children don't exist without the relationship
@@ineedhoez It should be Jesus centered house.
I grew up in a home with a father with anger issues. My parents always said that they did not separate because of us (me and my sisters). But he did far more damage in all those years of living with us, than a separation could have possibly done.
So I'm not sure, marriage is not always for the children. A dysfunctional marriage is so much worse.
Sometimes separation is for the children.
i think marry the right people and stay married is the lesson, not marry any rando and suffer
Im not so sure of that.
@@nandan673 Lot of people do not marry a random and yet they still suffer.
@@JonathanVachon777 why?
well because you wouldnt be you without that experience. We can be a better person by learning from bad person by doing the opposite of what they were doing.
I was bullied at school alot. It was terrible but at the sametime i made friend with broken people and they were rich relationship. i learned to be kind to others because i didnt want to be like the bullies.
and i also learned to defend myself intellectually intead of violence. even if it was "bad" experience, i think something good came out of it
If you are married and choosing to stay so only for your kids, then something is wrong with your marriage. You marry someone because you genuinely love that person NOT to have kids. Because you might not be able to have them.
Love never lasts except for the love of your children. The only real reason to get married is to have children.
@@luvyesmusici4886 If your love for your spouse fades, then you never really loved your spouse. Love is not a feeling but a choice- an action. It’s easier with kids because they need you. They want to be around you as their parent. But, when they grow up, hopefully, they move on and live their life. They aren’t not meant to fulfill you emotionally that is found only in your spouse.
@@luvyesmusici4886 Not. If that were true then barren people should never marry.
@@lonefaolan6042 I wish the entire world understood this fundamental truth…
It would spare the world a lot of suffering
The kids are yours, you made them. They are your responsibility. Having a happy marriage is only a piece of that responsibility. If I didn't love my wife I would still stay for the children, at least until they reached adulthood. Leaving for your "happiness" is selfish and wrong. You don't leave your kids behind, ever. Not "happy"? Tough shit. Do your job.
Marriage is has many positives beyond children. It prevents loneliness. It is economically beneficial. It makes life easier for both if the work involved in running the household and providing for it is divided in a way where both partners play to their strengths.
So many man are not removing themselves from their mother and sister. :( As a late 20s, it’s really tough to find a male who understand how to be independent and also use his strength to protect the female. :(
A father and a mother are all about the nurturing of the child. Without genuine nurturing eff off. This is a genuine single mom writing so, and I thank dearly Jordan for saying it politely, , too politely actually.
Husband and wife is first relationship and it's til death do us part so if we only cherish our children and not each other that is a mistake. Children leave the nest ( as the Bible says to) and then we are left with a love for each other or we are left with a stranger. Marriage is for the man and wife.
The children are our love, joy, responsibility, etc. They are not our marriage.
They will one day have their own marriage.
As a Christian, I would be a bit careful with this statement. The relationship with God comes first. From that, of course, follows the love for the partner and then for the children. And I agree with you that we should in no way think that we should no longer or hardly cherish the partner. I think where the real point is, and you and Dr. Peterson kind of agree on this, is that one should not love oneself, but one should love one's neighbor. And then the children will also be loved and additionally grow up in a healthy marriage, with role models to emulate and become like.
@@4001rh oh yes, God always comes first!!! I should have said that. 😀
Actually malachi 2:15 basically says you were made one so that your children would be Godly, so it does seem like marriage was made mostly for the benefit of children.
@@sarayoung9395 I just reread those scriptures. I mean, I can see where you are coming from but it reads to me as more of a warning against idolatry.
@@loveiskindwalling7352 to me, we should both cherish our children and spouse. Don't neglect either. I don't see it as a competition between the two, but a lot of people do.
Intelligent question.
I had no dad in the home, alcoholic.
We need family-a mom/dad.
Support: churches, church studies, men’s groups, mentors. Many mentors develop from church or work-related friendships.
He’s spot on.
We can’t allow the family unit to be destroyed.
we need to give single dads, the one that get rejected by post pregnancy women. My friend had a down syndrome brother that stole the attention, so he found his voice in church, a great musician, a teacher for mentally handicaped people. But his wife hates him, why? She blames him for taking away her freedom.
I helped. I gave him strenght and new tools to evolve, to find order in his chaos. Because his place is a mess. Of his own since he lives alone.
@@onemorefreak good point about post pregnancy. There should be alot more support in the healthcare system for post partum since the husband and whole family are also affected.
❤️💯
@@onemorefreak we l
You made an excellent observation. When our daughter was a toddler she was like a walking baby doll. I could love on her, nurture, feed her, clean her, but my husband had to step in and distract her or tell her to come sit with him when she wouldn’t listen.
It’s cruel that society pushes a mother to discipline when she’s in her loving and nurturing mode.
This is why I'm still in a "non relationship" relationship with the father of my kids. My predicament was either to move back home to a country where I have a big loving family and friends or continue to live where I don't have a strong community but where my children will have a father. Ideally I would love us all to move back to where I feel at home but, the father does not want to move there ever. I only ever want to do what is right and best for my kids but, I am always second guessing myself and wondering if I've made the right choice.
My parents divorced because they felt like marriage should make them happy, but it didn't.
In my darker moments I reflect on how they sacrificed my family to their own happiness. And it was a deal with the devil.
Marriage is not for happiness. It’s for sanctification.
The irony is that you were gonna be f****** miserable regardless. At the end of the day, you had 2 parents who did not love and care for each other. Whether whether they stayed in the marriage or divorced, that's what you had., if they stayed married, you would just have 2 people who did not love and care for each other and who were miserable raising you. What do you think that would have looked like? The narcissism of it all. We liiterally have a generation of children who believe that they are the center of the world. It Is quite crazy because 60 years ago, there would have been 12 kids and 3 or 4 of you would have died. You would have been created to work on the family farm. And you will be expected to take care of your family as you were their retirement plan.
@@ineedhoez all the people talking about the selflessness of their parents never know how selfish our past generation was
..I'm first born of 4 ( 2 girls, then 2 boys)..at 11 father killed in vehicle accident,....mother, UNSELFISHISHLY, SACRIFICIALLY worked 2+ jobs never about HER or what she was attempting to do, she lived/played w/ us, took us to worship our Great Creator God every week, and chance she had, included us in her work; as an 800 student, rural school janitor; delegating us to indiv responsibilities @ the school for ea day, BRILLIANT! (Probably would be outlawed in today's time!) ..she en couraged my bros to be men!, played hard outside when responsibilities were complete, they both work very hard today..NEVER went on Government ( H&W, in US) help...so thankful for my mother!.....
She sounds amazing.
Marriage is about something bigger than you and your feelings, its about the family crest and that lasts long after your gone so its in your best interest to keep that intact
He is exactly right! Thank you for saying that, Jordan!🥰
his reflections and observations are absolutely make sense!! I love to hear him
I am single mother and yes, it’s much better to have 2 parents. I would add 2 GOOD parents. And also ONE good parent is BETTER than 2 bad ones! Or even than a bad and a good one because the bad could really be a problem for the “good” one.
However being a singler mother it’s the hardest thing in the world. And yes marriage should be for the children. I regret not getting married before my pregnancy. Although my son is the biggest blessing in my life and I am so grateful for him.
This man is amazing. One of the last intellectuals.
While I agree with the point that marriage is for the children and that adults should smarten up and realize that and put the effort in to do what it takes to make the marriage work I still have my reservations. My mother always said that her and my dad only are together because of us kids and I’ve always felt a tremendous amount of guilt (I asked her this when I was 13) that it’s because of me they are forced to stay together regardless of the fact that they’re miserable together. I always wanted my parents to get divorced because they weren’t happy and so our household wasn’t happy, in fact it was and is a place of toxicity. The constant fighting and arguing I had to endure to listen to gave me an incredible amount of anxiety and looking back I do think we would have been better off if my parents did separate. Along the lines of what Mr. Peterson said here I do believe they should have just grown up and actually make the commitment to not only stay together but to really work at it and put the effort in because that’s what we truly deserved (my parents and myself included).
Never feel guilty about the decisions you didn't make. Your mom decided to have children 3 times with someone she doesn't want to be with. She shouldn't be commended or chastised for staying together with your Dad. It was her responsibility to stay, since she made the decision to have children.
First off, you shouldn’t feel guilty for your mom’s (and dad’s) choices. They were responsible for making them, not you.
I mean, realistically most humans act in self interest. I often wondered why my mother stayed, but fear of the unknown, fear of repercussions from the toxic partner, and avoidance of social shame are strong motivators to stay. There’s a point at which you cross knowingly into denial (of how bad things are and how irremediable) and after that you go deeper into this false marriage and false self such that you forget you chose to live a lie rather than pursue life (at the risk of financial loss/change/shame etc).
I think these factors are the true reason many of that generation stayed, even if the stated reasons are different.
I don’t get why people idolize Petersen. He is one sided. I have been married for 20 years and no kids. We love our life and chose no kids. We help lots of kids through many avenues. He is just one sided and thinks he has all the answers. Marriage is for two people. If you add kids in the mix hopefully they are planned and you give them your everything.
@@ec1222 👌
As a child I got to choose who to stay with at 4 years old. At four I knew the parent that looked after me the best. I picked my Mum. I made the right decision. Mothers are so selfless when they are good mum's. They go without to provide for their child/children. My Step Dad is a hero.
My daughter's father and I have been together for 22 years. Our bond is our daughter. I don't need a piece of paper for commitment. We both want the best for our daughter. We are not married. But we are more than committed to giving our child the best life. ♥️
It's the permanence, exclusivity, and faithfulness that the commitment of marriage offers that is so much deeper than a legal document. It's a covenant, an exchange of persons rather than possessions.
A friend of mine married her partner and her three kids that they had together expressed so much joy in their legal declaration to each other. The stability that marriage represents is palpable to children.
Still, I applaud your mutual commitment to raising your daughter together.
Marriage is useful for parenting. One person tends to be the disciplinarian and it is helpful to have an opposing force questioning the other. It's good to receive feedback on your parenting from the individual who loves your child as much as you do. Then you can have an opinion on their parenting as well. When the marriage dissolves, negotiations are over and you have no say in the parenting of your child, predators they're exposed to while mom dates, conditions they live in.
Lol at anyone who actually believes you need a piece of paper from the govt that says "we be married" to be good parents. There is literally no effect at all
Why only mention predators because of mom? Women can be predators and abusive too. They just don’t get caught as often. Not to mention the potential for dad to end up with an abusive narcissist who will drive a wedge between dad and his children.
@Fiddle Pants Lol at anyone who thinks marriage is a piece of paper. The definition of marriage is to be one. One home, one family, one future together. Children seal the deal. If marriage is a ring or piece of paper to you, you'll be divorced soon.
@@FirstNameLastName-wt5to I didn't mention women predators because it isn't common enough to bother including. If it matters to you, imagine I said "parents dating exposes children". I couldn't care less about gender equality when I'm talking about abused kids. Sorry if a woman raped you once.
@@fiddlepants5947 To be good parents raising your child together means by definition that you are married. A courthouse doesn't make family happen with a piece of paper. Those who become divorced were never truly one.
Ideally children need both parents! Yes! But how often is abuse carried on for generations unless it is stopped?
The dad of my children didnt want them, he said they were mine...he began to go crazy and it ended with his arrest and then divorce. I realized the importance of a father figure in my sons life so I asked the fathers of 3 of his friends to help with this. They all did. One family really stepped in to help and my son has become a wonderful man, husband and father...not abusive.
Typically I agree with Dr Peterson but not this time. This is the wrong message, one that made me feel so sick that I almost suicided. I knew I had to leave my marriage and for two years before I left I was a zombie, I became mentally and physically ill because my heart was telling me to leave but my head was going “what about the kids”?! I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t function, I had two breakdowns, and even with medication I had insomnia. This was the most difficult time for me because I was suffocating and dying inside. I did everything I possibly could to stay and it took me years before I left … but once I left all of my symptoms and issues resolved. Sometimes you HAVE to leave. Women (and men of course) have the right to divorce. I still have guilt over leaving- not because of my ex husband but my children but at least I’m not a zombie mum existing in the world but living.
Some men end up having to be dad and mum at the same time when their other half isn't putting any effort in. I was in that position. Those kids chose to live with me when we split. Wonder why?
Anyone with an addict is getting abused, and the non abusive non addict exhausts themselves trying to be everything for those children. And yet, in family court, all too often, the children, getting older now and wanting to experiment with substances and party, desperately wanting a relationship with that absent parent will choose to be with the abuser. Leaving the good parent completely exhausted and heartbroken, all that work for nothing. Those abusers are usually fueled by incurable personality disorders.
@@recoveringsoul755 and that is heart breaking... Unfortunately if you look at the perfect world for example if you read the Christian bible in the Garden of Eden the duality of our existence being this Him / Her relationship can lead to a dichotomy where one side can split and cause a rupture in the perfect world they have been presented with. Sadly if this dichotomy leads to a permanent separation the offspring of that relationship does not get to see one side of the story. They could be with the one that can be influenced or the one that trusts blindly. Both roads have their own perils.
Sadly this world will cause many to seek the change that can be attained by the shortest means known. Drugs. This sadly may not come from the two parents. It usually comes from the people that the child surrounds themselves with. If they choose wisely then usually they find the better paths. But this could happen with either parent as the influence you have is surprisingly little and is partly about the direction you point them down but mostly about the people they meet along the way.
@@imapolemicist2239 I am hoping the Depp trial will shed light on the nature of abusers. To add to the fun, recently learned that the attorney doing the bulk of the damage is mentally ill with body dismorphia. And I thought it was a man. And, they are not the only sibling like that in their family, and they have younger relatives and a bunch of them are that way too. They should not be allowed in family court
@@recoveringsoul755 I've watched people spend massive amounts of money in courts and got everything they wanted but then had the children choose to go the other way... Courts are just a money machine.
@@imapolemicist2239 agree about courts, but they obviously don't care about what is best for the children
This is where one of the Ten Commandments "Honor the Father and Mother" comes into play. Essentially, parents that take care of their offspring, and potentially other children that are not blood related as a family unit, that concept is sacrosanct for a good society. It is for the children and for the parents alike, to support each other, support the children, children hold respect for the honorable parents, etc. When it fails on a broad scale, the earthly authority gains too much power over the spirits and minds of the young, for whom they have no familial feelings for whatsoever and can see them as a means to an end of obtaining their own individual desire.
This is another part of Orwell's 1984, where nepotism is essentially eliminated due to it being a problem where a person would potentially put the advancement of their family over the good of the Party. While nepotism is not particularly a positive thing a lot of the time in various situations, it is seriously what keeps us from sliding completely into complete dystopia. (Perhaps the only thing among the ruling class, which are acting increasingly soulless by the day)
There is no harm in feeling affinity or affection for your fellow, non-familial human. However, there is great harm when one blindly accepts iron-age dogmas without question.
Very educated response, thank you.
The commandment to 'honour thy father and thy mother' also extends to those individuals that are not good parents. Honouring parents that are good parents is easy. Honouring parents that are not good is, for many, extremely difficult.
@@niram6707 amen brother. It’s hard to honour my father when he is getting the jabs to his whole family (step mom, baby half brother and step brother) and I’m warning him of this. He doesn’t care. But I still love him and I pray deeply that he’ll come to God one day. I have to repent for his sins. And I still have no idea what other sins he has committed that he hasn’t talked to me about. He’s going to retire next year from the Army and I question whether he’s going to raise my baby brother and soon-to-be baby sister in a better manner than he raised me and my other brothers. Either way. I do love my father. I cry here and there thinking about it. I truly don’t want him to be in the fire. But he seems so lost and blocked me from his life. I don’t think I’ll be able to ever meet my first ever sister. But I know that God is good and He’ll guide me back to my family when the time comes. I’m still scared for my father’s health. He got two jabs and I think a booster. They “required” him to. It makes me angry knowing he’s among those who might die off soon. I pray for a better outcome. I truly do. God bless and keep you.
Marriage isn't for the people who are married but for the children only? This is nonsense. Is marriage an institution that Jordan Peterson cooked up himself? If your marriage is built around your children only and not a commitment of love to one another, then you're not doing your children any favors. Many marriages fall apart as soon as the kid are out of the house because the contract terms have ended. He is totally wrong on that one.
Yeah, does he mean childfree people shouldn't get married? I agree marriage is the best thing for raising children but it is not the only purpose of marriage.
Maybe watch the whole video? You either didn’t or you just didn’t notice what he said…
Tells me you’re close minded and argued without hearing what he had to say. Which means I won’t argue with you after this because I already know it’s gonna be pointless since you missed what he said lol.
Marriage, with or without children, has been and always will be about LOVE. ❤️
That is a very modern and very western idea.
No. It's not. Those feelings, provided what both parties do in the marriage, change.
@@nightwishisthegreatestband6355 Love is forever. 😂
This is pretty much the reason why so many people in the west are absolutely miserable. Love is nice, but duty and commitment are better. I know so many successful, lonely people. It's a shame.
@@wil318466 Love IS nice isn’t it?
Thank you so much Dr. Peterson. I am so grateful for you. You are one of my role models. 🙏
It sucks for kids to be in a household where their parents hate each other. If that's the case, kids really are better off than if their parents separate
idk about that
Can't say it about all cases
It is the same evil. Kids are better off if their parents are together and respect each other and love their kids.
The best for children is for their parents to have a respectful marriage. Where mom and dad treat each other with respect (at least in public) Note that I do not say “loving marriage” as the kids have no clue whether there is love there or not.
If the choice is an unhappy marriage or divorce, the best thing for the children (and quite frankly the whole family + friends) is unhappy marriage. Study after study after study shows children fare best when parents are married, even if the parents hate each other. Try your best to fight behind closed doors and not in front of the children. Easier said than done I know. Sometimes we can’t help but fight in public. Still this is still better for the kids than divorce. Nothing is worse for kids than divorce. Even if there are affairs, whatever it is, it is still better to stay married.
@@bellalerman9359 Agree, people should become adults before having children.
And if they feel the "this isnt working out", they should work to fix it instead of divorce and probably make another family/s.
(I used "/s" because an stupid familiar I know has 3 children of 3 different fathers, living the life sustained by 3 dumb horny males... And a weird, broken, unstable family)
The concentrated, common sense wisdom in each sentence is undeniable and is desperately needed.
I have been married 26 years. 3 kids, raised and independent. My marriage is for me. When I gave my vows, and still to this day. I would trade a thousand kids for my wife. I would burn this world for her.
Why?
Psycho
Because I can't count how many times she was the only light in the darkness life resonates from time to time. There comes a time when you can't determine the difference between yourself and your spouse. When her flaws are no different than you're own. Mostly hard to see. And she is the only one who knows me. The real me. The stories behind the scars I could never speak out loud about. And no one would dare ask. Because she is the only one on this world that would do the same for me.
@@falsedragon33 this is so sweet, my parents marriage has been tough, but I'm 1 of 3 and they have been married for 26 years and this seems like something my dad would say!
have you told your kids this yet? How'd they react?
Gonna disagree with this. Marriage is for the married. However, I will agree that parenthood is about the children, and parenthood takes priority over marriage.
I would disagree. The marriage is what created the children. So that relationship always takes precedence. Without the strong foundational relationship, the children would not exist. I believe that this is ultimately why most relationships fail. If you sacrifice for the children, you create disconnection. When you listen to why men cheat it's always because they get deprioritized in their household, treated like a second class citizen, and they get lonely. Rinse and repeat.
As someone who could not have children and who was then too old to adopt back in the 80s. it breaks my heart to see so many children not nurtured in the family as someone precious. They are totally the responsibility of the parents to guide until they are old and mature enough to find their own way in life. So many people, such as my own father, should never marry and/or have children as they are not cut out for such a role in life. I do not advocate staying within a marriage or partnership as it is now referred to, if violence of any type is present. The children suffer terribly through this, not just the parents. In a generation we will see more of the damage that is occurring now with this new form of family, if not before.
I hope you can find someone to give all that love and nurture (if that's what you want if course). I have a neighbor that had 3 children with a horrible man as the father, unfortunately the mother passed away and another woman (another neighbor that wasn't ever able to conceive) became like a second mom to those beautiful children. I'm so happy she stepped in since they were already close as friends.
Violence destroys marriage. Apparently, most of them cheat. With AIDS and herpes out there- that is like murder if they bring it home. So there is no hope.
Yes… finally🥹🙏🏽 Thank-you!
I respect Jordan sir very much but I cannot get my head around the idea when he says young people should get married and have children
Does your head s t r e t c h?
@@gretelhance no but Grey matters do
It's for the parents and the children. When children see a dangerous monster tenderly love a vulnerable woman, and a weak(physically) woman uphold and respect a weary man, and they stick together, strengthen each other, it teaches children about commitment, about love, about God.
Joseph Moran you have a warped view of men and women I don't care how many people agree with you.
And people say this guy is evil… obviously he has society’s best interest at heart.
never mind absent fathers or mothers. How about spouses that are there (physically), but have 'checked out', leaving the other spouse holding most of the responsibilities including parenting, upkeep of inside and outside the home, helping with schoolwork, driving, cooking, etc?
so pretty much "there for the benefits without being there for others".
Leeches, parasites
But what about couples that reach a point of irreconcilable differences? Do they try to save the marriage for the sake of the kids, or is it better for both parties to break up? Of course that creates a custody nightmare, but seems like it might be better under certain circumstances like if the father is physically abusive or if one parent develops a chronic drug addiction and can no longer feasibly take care of the children.
That's because they focused on their own selfish needs instead of focusing on the kids. Once you have kids then they should be at the centre. People nowadays forget this and feel " neglected" or " unappreciated" by the spouse. Grow the hell up and be with your kids. Their love is enough and cancels out the need for a spouse's " appreciation or validation".
That's why marriage counseling exist
It's better to be from a broken home than in one. Dr Phil
You are absolutely right.
It can be both. Our partners make us better and sharpen us. And marriage must be centered on the spouse otherwise their isn't stability.
This the truest thing that I have heard Jordan say.
Jordan didn't even answer the question. He mentions gangs, comic books as examples of fragmented or misdirected uses of fatherhood, but doesn't offer an actual suggestion. Here's mine: join a religious institution. There are many men in churches, synagogues, etc. who were great influences on me as a child when I had an absent/disconnected father.
Or, you could direct the answer right back to the person asking...big brother/big sister can do that as well! As long as an appropriate big brother can be found.
Wow! Spot on.
What if the man and woman being together makes things a lot worse for the child, then what?
I get the point, I just don't like the phrase and title.
What about those that are together who also don't want to have children? Marriage has other purposes as well
I met my now deceased husband when I was 17, he was 20. We dated and we're committed to each for 4 years or more. Then I had a strong desire for a baby So that's when we decided to get married,I didn't leave the man until my kids were grown
Dr. Peterson do you know who Katy Faust is? Her book is called "Them Before Us" and she has started the greatest children's movement. It would be so awesome if you could interview her.
Good for him, he spoke directly without degrading the single parent or adding to their burden! Yet, at the same time covered very, very briefly spectrums of truth in this. Previous generations understood this, but over the past few decades individuals have become so narcissistic that it has not been the case. Thankfully I was raised by a parent born during the great depression. A single parent home was difficult, but the one thing I innately understood as an adult (maybe from this experience, or more likely the grace of God) when I had children, was forever, it's not about me anymore. Be careful, because with or without adversity, it is SO easy to become absorbed in surviving and fall into a narcissistic mode, with music and media completely undergirding it. Look to Christ. Seek Him with all of your heart and He says, you will find Him. In doing this, look to the Bible.
i learn something life changing each time i listen to JP
Question: so if a husband is a serial cheater and triggers mother into becoming a neurotic, resentful person, should she still stay with him and show her children that kind of blueprint for their future relationships? Or should they separate and parent children the best they can, without staying in that kind of marriage and living together?? Because, she is actually quite pleasant without that man as her husband...
Good point and I know what you mean. I think the couple needs some kind of support to teach them how to be better as a couple and parents. Unfortunately, Western society usually does not encourage such support. Divorce is big business after all.
In my case I finally cut the cord when I realized that I would have to get regularly tested for STDs for the rest of my life if I stayed with this man.
I believe only (real) abuse or cheating justify separation. And only demonstrable lack of appropriate responses to the right kind of marital and social pressure (not being willing to get counseling and address any addictions, behaviors don't change, etc etc) should turn that separation into divorce. In my case, I made sure all those boxes were checked many times over, and that I consulted with wise and stable ppl to make sure I wasn't treating the issue in a self-serving way, before I pulled the trigger. Because I was honestly sick of the sight of him by that point, but on behalf of my kids I will always be devastated by how this ended.
Well they should go into marriage counseling together and the husband should apologize, stop cheating and focus on his family. If the husband is completely unwilling to do that, despite giving him all these chances, then it’s reasonable to walk away from that.
~I rarely disagree with Jordan Peterson, but i think it is really important for children to see their parents having a life, and for them to be a good model of how to have a good relationship, how to be a good husband, and how to be a good wife~Kids thinking of their parents as only servants doesnt seem healthy to me?~
4:19 is all that needs to be said … 🙏🏼🙌🏻💪🏼
About guys finding other friends to form gangs. He’s so on point with that. I felt like he was explaining my life story
I agree to some extent with this. But without a firm foundation of two people who love each other the children will not flourish. I can say that because I have seen what happens first hand in a living relationship and relationship where love isn't reciprocated.
Arranged marriages’ divorce rates are something like 4-5% and have little to do with love on the outset and potentially throughout the relationship. Values and culture have much more of a weight than love because of how subjective love as an emotion and as actions can be.
@@misterllemos try getting married and see if values and culture sustain you in the relationship. It takes genuine love to stay married in a healthy way, which I think is a rare thing to find.
@@misterllemos I think you are right in many ways - it is the cultures attitude toward marriage that keeps the divorce rates down. My husband is from Palestine, a place where divorce is extremely rare, and most of the families are happy as can be expected. I hate where western society is headed.
@@misterllemos you’re assuming people that are in an arranged marriage don’t love each other. Love isn’t merely feelings, it’s something that you work at daily. When you see your spouse doing their part, treating you well, that is love! People usually in an arranged marriage tend to know what they are supposed to do and therefor one can say have an even stronger love than those that are basing everything on their own frivolous and selfish feelings.
@@misterllemos to be fair those cultures look down on divorces. That’s why divorce is low. People don’t want to be looked down up on or get talked about. In those countries when you marry someone you marry the whole family. If the family is against divorce then you can’t get one. Some of these countries don’t have women rights, so if a woman gets a divorce in those countries how can she take care of herself after? Lot of these countries in the Middle East and North Africa don’t let women work, drive, vote, etc. so women have no choice to stay. And men can marry multiple women if he chose to, without divorcing the others. 3 of my sisters and 1 of my brothers have gotten an arranged marriage and they all are unhappy, but they have kids, so they stayed. My sisters said they don’t feel like wives, but business partners. They feel like There job is just to carry children and raise them, that’s it. No romance no love never even celebrated anniversaries. They barely communicate. My parents regret letting them marry fast. They wished to give them more time. They promised not to do that to me. If it wasn’t hard to get a divorce in those religious countries the divorce rate will be high. These cultures think that divorce dishonor the family. And no one wants to dishonor the family so they stay.
There are so few public figures I can sincerely say I have love and respect work. But Lord is Peterson one of them! The murder such a treasure just to listen to he’s so real!
excellent worded question, excellent answer .
so you will stay married with a man that u dont love just because u have childrens with him?
I have been listening to JBP for the last 3 years. His insights have allowed me to rethink my perspectives across many topics. In this video, I disagree with what he says. Marriage does not exist within a vacuum, but within complex systems. In the real world, these matters cannot be talked about in simplistic ways. Marriage is just too complex.
This is very obvious, but I think the romanticism of the last hundred years or so especially from Hollywood, has painted the picture of that marriage is about your own happiness.
Every time that there is a historical movie or TV series, one of the common tropes is the sassy young girl that dashing young guy that doesn't want to commit to getting married because they want to find a love match instead of marrying because its a religious and societal duty.
Absolutely agree!
Ohh interesting! Thank youuu
Whoever's reading this, i pray that whatever you're going through gets better and whatever you're struggling with or worrying about is going to be fine and that everyone has a fantastic day! Amen
For everybody reading this : stop finaly praying and do something for yourself and the world instead of waiting for miracle.
If a married man (or woman) has a moral imperative to remain married to his wife (or husband) in the event of children, is there still a moral obligation to remain faithful to his (her) spouse? In other words, what is worse - getting divorced when children are involved or staying married, but engaging in sexual affairs with other partners?
You commit for life and work through all imaginable difficulties. Sex outside of marriage results in misery, on every level
@@Tova-Barin This is conventional wisdom and makes sense. When I read it, you are saying that it is better to be miserable in a monogamous marriage (remember divorce would break a moral imperative) than to be miserable through an affair. In both courses there is misery. And because I have listened to Jordan Peterson more than once, I know that suffering is central to the meaning of life. In this context, to what end? If I was building the pyramids, I could compartmentalize that my suffering is creating something that will stand the test of time. But, what meaning is there behind the misery of a bad marriage?
@@e.goldstein1972 marriage takes work, and, although most of the time it’s challenging, it doesn’t have to be miserable. In general, life is test. If you’d like to lear more, look up the teaching of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
"The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life, is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring..." - CCC 1601
So it's a classic "both and".
Marriage that becomes a war zone is not good for children, and neither is it good for the adults. Those who stay too long in marriages that are volatile, often end up with blood on their hands, and one of them in prison for life. Marriage was a man-made pact, which at one time allowed men to OWN the women and children as their own property.
If the parents can work through their inevitable disagreements amicably ... then, and only then, is marriage good for children.
I know that my parents would have split apart a long time ago if it had not been for the fact that they have two children. I think having children made their lifes, especially that of my mom, much worse than it could have been. She was a woman with a very good job, she was totally free, and then she married my father. A year later she gave up her job, had her first child, and quite honestly, I don't think she was ever truly happy in that life. Now she is 72, my brother and I have long moved out, we're 42 and 38, and now my mom said that she would like her own place, because she and my father never were a good match. Now look at that. I already told her this as a 12 year old, when one of my greatest wishes was that my parents would just get divorced. This whole idea of having children and then staying together for the children -NO. You might get lucky, but you might also cripple yourself and waste your life. You have to live for you, first of all, and secondly, if you force yourself to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy, you will not be a very good parent anyway.
I am married, have been so for 9 years now, and I chose to never have children. I think human babies are pretty ugly, I think pregnancy is gross, I do not want to share my money and time, lose my freedom, and a thousand other reasons. I married to be with my husband, and I am happy to be married and would always make that choice again. This is our marriage, and it will never be for or about someone else.
I disagree if your in a bad or loveless or abusive marriage that can be bad for your kids....don't stay married in a bad marriage just for your kids or just stay married for the kids .
has anyone pointed out yet that he never actually answered her question of what a daughter is supposed to do to find what she should have had if she's missing a father figure? I usually agree with JP and respect his answers and views of things but I feel like his reply wasn't clear and seemed to be more about other issues.
Nor did he answer her original question. "How can I help kids who come from a broken home?"
"The parents should stay together!"
Well, but she's not magic. What about if they didn't and now what can the kid do?
Then why is it a statistical fact that married people with no kids are happier
What about married couples who dont have children
There is some truth, but the point is that parents should take care of their children, regardless of their status. My mother did a great job, and I will forever be thankful to God for having such a wonderful mother.
Thier are so brave man who look after the next man child well. Hat's off to those men
Well its like for everybody too i feel like. People today are just like (ofcourse exaggerating but it has that course) : the other doesnt entertain me anymore so lets find someone else. No appraciaton of long term relationships at all.
My parents were 100 % about each other. I always thought when I was younger that my mom would gladly off the kids if my dad asked. Honestly if he wasnt so still starved for attention from his own parents and siblings I think she wouldve. I believe fully that 2 grown, good parents are best, but sometimes there is no love, safety or guidance.
Fair point. And imagine how worse it'd be if you were raised by just 1 of those two broken people. That kind of step dad figure your mother brought in would likely have been even more abusive/neglectful as you weren't even of his blood.
that's great. if thats the case let them be "100% about each other" without your help when they grow old. Be as much % about them as they are of you
If only they knew, Pescador de Hombres. Yes. Correct. What you say, is indeed, TRUE. Gracias! Te amo!
Exactly! This thing of do what’s right for you. Leave your spouse if you’re not happy is utter nonsense. I stayed for my kids. It’s call personal sacrifice.
Absolutely
I TOTALLY disagree. NOT that you have to be those selfish-type parents who regularly holiday without their children and generally treat them like pets... But you ABSOLUTELY have to nurture your relationship so that you still have "IT" after your children have flocked hurriedly out of the nest. Plus YES, TWO-parent families are CRUCIAL. A couple CHOSE each other. Children are at their mercy, and are owed the VERY BEST from EACH parent, and a loved and loving parent is the VERY BEST.
Why not both?
Sorry I don't see what this has to do with being married? Yes both parents stay together and raise a child simple, doesn't mean being married though.
This is why I want an ltr. When children are in the picture, it's just the best strategy we have in the west.
Meanwhile all the media and entertainment industry are pumping out the opposite message. And most people are internalizing that message.
Marriage should be thought of as being in stages. With young children, the marriage should provide love, role modeling, and security. But after the children grow up, you have 2 middle-aged people who are responsible for protecting, loving, and supporting one another into old age. If you turn away from your spouse to focus 100% on children, you will wish you had invested more in your spouse when the children grow up and leave you alone together. It's all a fragile balancing act, which is why we should have compassion and forgiveness for our parents and ourselves when we fail to achieve the optimum mix.
Divorce shortens men's life expectancy and causes older women to live in poverty. Marriage is just as much about looking out for one another as it is for creating happy, healthy children.
3:00 “Who those parents are is a whole different issue.” …?? What does that imply!? Jordan is clearly talking about a _mother_ and a _father._
" You call that over there. And this here FAMILY?!"
-Casey Jones
We are fortunate in America to have some assistance and legalities for single moms. (And hopefully for single dads). I would think marriage could help childless long term couples too. It helps to get care/finances completed in time of need.
I still support people who want to be a single parent make that choice. They know their own personal circumstances and sometimes a very bad partner is worse than going it alone.
Interesting thought when he brought up how mother and child can become too tight. You need another voice to keep that from becoming an issue. I think that's how to interpret it.
Next time someone asks why I don't want kids after being married almost a decade I should just send this video to them lmao
May the lord have mercy on your soul lmao