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The School of Life I’ve said forever to study your family of origin dynamics. You don’t know who u are unless u examine the way we’ve been raised. Over 80 percent of us have been abused and have some level of trauma as a child. Unfortunately our parents have done a horrific job at raising us. I had to go no contact from my family of origin over 20 years ago. Malignant narcissists at the very least. Long story but it’s about time this is brought to the fore. Thank u for this much overdue upload.
It's funny you say that. That we sometimes don't have anything to compare our state with. Because even if we do, what means do we have of escaping it. It's like one of those times at night when you're awake and can see and hear and feel everything but you can't move. And if you're unlucky enough, there's something sitting on the edge of your bed too.
Pregnancy control would have prevented my inconvenient birth to my overburdened mother to 4 children and led to my not being emotionally neglected and left me floundering in the world of human interactions.
@@miguelmr3076 That would be Sun Tzu. No it's the writer of 'Tao te Ching' - man the Chinese had psychological insights 2100 years ago upon we stumble right now... As worried as I might be about the future with China as the new superpower of the world - it might actually be not so bad because they aquired DEFINITELY more cultural wisdom than the USA have. This might transalte into better political decision-making. :)
That’s because the perfect childhood would require the perfect parents, and perfection does not exist. That’s why everyone you meet in life will be broken in some way. It’s only the truly exceptional and wise that conquer themselves, and in my opinion, it’s what everyone should strive for; knowing themselves.
I read a lot as a child, and that's where I found my role models. When I was ten, I decided that there was something wrong with my parents and that it was up to me to bring myself up. It was healthier, I think, than trying to trust them.
Well done! Without literature, my childhood would have been a very dark place. It was like a spark - life can (and will?) be different than this. Joy is possible
living in a different generations, my escape was going outside to play with other broken kids, hanging out with my sister (until she us and dug a deep wound in me, i've never suffered more than then) or playing videogames until morning. i've lived with my mom after my parents broke up when i was 6, and around the age of 10-11 i also noticed my mom was weird and wrong and i unconsciouslly isolated from her a lot, to the point where the only times i talked to her were when i was telling her to make me food, and that was it, i even ate inside my room, and everytime i was around her i felt horrible. then i started seeing all my friens hanging out with their parents and stuff and i wanted to reconnect with her because i was jealous of them, and that was a really bad decision. now i'm 17 and i have a step father which is really annoying, living only with my mom for years. the upside to isolating myself from her is that i developed my own personality, ideas and that i had the freedom to do whatever i want
@@AleXcsGaming your isolation is not for granted. you've become your own person and now you have the ability to change everything you dont find happy. 17 is a tough age and to be so young, you're not alone in your feelings of isolation. once you have more freedom in your actual life (being able to buy a home or a car), you can find people that truly make you happy and care about you and even one day, fix your relationship with your mother. I wish you so much luck, strength, and resilience in your time of darkness. your self awareness is a huge asset and you're so strong for getting to where you are now. you should be proud.
@@AleXcsGaming Gave me goosebumps. I think, you're on the right track. And remember: when you're 18, the freedom will be even greater. Wish you all the best 😊. My brother died at age 17. 😢
"It is always -strangely- preferable for a child to think of themselves as unworthy and deficient than to see their parent as unstable and unfair." Whoa. :(
I think its the wrong thing to think that your parents didnt do everything to make it the best for you.. if you understand their path in life you can forgive.. at least you get family back right...
@Charles Lee Ray you're right i think.. it's not rational to accuse your parents.. if you confront them you should acknowledge their perception analyse and try your best to still give love to your parents..
I've been slowly realising how insane and emotionally void my own mom is, and how manipulative and possibly codependent/narcissistic she's been for many years. It's incredible how we don't even notice the abuse because it's our normal. You believe you're what's wrong in the family and that you're the insane one until you grow up and start reflecting on the many occasions you've felt unloved.
When we are children we can only believe the best in our parents abuse... such as I was bad and deserved abuse. However as children we are protected from that truth because we could not handle the truth at a young age. it's a protection so we as children can survive.. the truth is ours in adult hood where hopefully you have help to resolve the abuse and carry on. I lived it and am recovering
In conclusion you know that people really are vulnerable to chaos, some are able overcome it, some are not. It depends in your wisdom to accept them as they are and anybody else... I think reflecting from our experience as well as others helps us learn and stand our own ground then we become our own man.
grace jaklik again . I will pray for you. I can’t help you anymore. You made your choice raine . You should try to help your mom out. She look sick. And your dad l. They both look sick. Maybe my prayers can help give you some mercy. Good luck. I wish you the best.
My dad was emotionally distant when I was a child, but I realise now it was because his father was the same. He didn’t know how to break the cycle, he didn’t know how to be any different. He made sure I always had books to read and I thank him for that, but I do wish I knew more about him and that he would have opened up. Now I’m the father, and I’m struggling with the same with my son. I’m trying my best to break the cycle but I don’t always succeed. But I’m hoping that because I acknowledge the fact that I’m not perfect, that I do try, that I will do better. I’ve just bought 2 journals, I’m writing my life’s story in them and my ‘wisdom’ to pass on. If I don’t succeed in being a more emotionally available parent, I hope my kids will read the journals one day and understand who I am better. But my plan is that they will not need them in order to do so. I will break the cycle and I will do better. Peace out to you all, my father died a month ago. I don’t know how to grieve properly yet 😢
Take your time and allow yourself to feel all the emotions that come. There is no correct order. Every one experiences grief in their own personal way.
Your efforts mean so much in that you care & want to … so meaningful. I think much of what we beat ourselves up with is good to have awareness but then to forgive yourself. You are on a beautiful journey.. like the night sky sometimes you wouldn’t see the light if it didn’t get dark at times… all experiences are good when we learn to have patience with ourselves & forgiveness. You can’t put the gas mask on others if you can’t breathe yourself…. Never beat yourself up just know awareness & good thoughts mean you are on the right path. Everything is intention, (your own beliefs about how your journey should look) & patience to create things the way we want. Too often it’s easy to beat yourself up I’ve found, try switching beating for boosting yourself up. Emotions often come naturally positive when we just learn to let go & relax… it’s the opposite of complexity, scary but absolutely possible. Many issues just stem from fear & anxiety & the thoughts we have… submerge yourself in kind thoughts & messages xx Love & forgiveness heals. Light, love & hope throughout any darkness
Stay strong & forgive yourself. My father wasn't loved & couldn't show me love ,hugs etc. Took a long time to simply realise they are just fallible human beings. Don't read too much into just learn from it & move on. Took me 40 yrs :)
I used to think I had a perfect childhood growing up in a middle class family...until I learn about attachment theories and after taking a good look at my anxiety issues that’s been affecting my relationships my whole life, I’ve finally realized my parents had been highly critical and emotionally controlling, and my dad actually suffers from anxiety himself. As a child I believed my parents were the best and that they were perfect, and I had to do my best to please them, but so much internal pressure was built up I eventually exploded and later resented them. There’s this period of time where I just wanted to avoid contact with them at all cost because talking to them would trigger my anxieties. Now that I know the root cause of all this, it really isn’t their fault. But self love is the answer, parent yourself, nurture yourself, love yourself. The love is within you.
It feels bad after realising our parents were never perfect as we thought but it feels good that we understand them and it is ok because no human is perfect and happy to help them overcome their issues. ❤️ I had similar experience like yours and i loved how u are dealing with it. ❤️
When I turned 19, I became more aware of a lot of things. I start to notice the traits that I hate about my parents are actually the traits I also acquired from them and apply them to my life. It’s sad how our parents are supposed to be the role models but sometimes they not knowingly teach us their negative traits and later on as we grow up, we tend to not notice it as we become like them.
Yeah, I understand you. Same here. Now that I'm 18, and have gained some understanding of the human psyche, I am realising how fucked up I am and why I'm fucked up. Even though my parents tried their best. It's just like that. We're all born fucked up, some more than the others.
Mine had the opposite effect. All the things that I hated about them, messy, unfaithful, detached, are what I focussed on fixing in me. Basically I do everything they failed at and it makes me a better person for it.
It seems like 19 is the age of awareness because when I turned 19 is when I realized how flawed my mother was and I pulled away from her and saw that my father really was a good person who had tried to tell me all along that my mom wasnt quite right.
im 15 and i can already see my parents flaws, it has been a couple of years actually since i started noticing lol, i don’t quite know if i would still be considered in childhood, but for what i see now, my parents attitudes and their relationship changed quite a lot since i was a little kid, but tbh i don’t really know how all of this will affect me in my adulthood, but well, hopefully as one of u said, ill be able to work on myself from all my parents flaws and become a better person
used to believe my childhood was amazing. it was fun being a kid outside the home but inside the home it was emotionally empty. ugh and it affects you forever...huge anxiety issues
Same. I had a lot of great friends in my neighborhood and school growing up. Really couldn’t ask for better experience on that end, but come from a broken home where my parents were cold and hot headed / working all the time and on top of this I had no siblings, so it was very isolating.
Can’t relate but I can understand. My childhood was so good outside as well as inside, I still remember how cozy and warm it felt to cuddle in that little space between my mom and the couch while we laying there hugging and watching soap operas..... or the excitement of waiting on my mom to roll me a handmade tortilla with butter 😋 definitely had an awesome childhood that I plan on reflecting back to my children ❤️
I'm 15 and I've known these things for years. When you have parents you can't talk to (and for a while, my sister, before we came closer), you grow up fast. I used the internet, logic, critical thinking and self-help books. I've had to overcome a lot of things on my own and formed some bad habits along the way (I don't share/open up, not myself around people, anxiety, fear of doing things/standing out/ making the wrong decisions etc). But it's a work in progress and I know I'm getting better.
Internet is big thing it gives you more options to learn. In past you might make friend but thats about it. But its also true you had much more time to think without it... wonder if famous people of past would ever invented things if they could play some PubG game or watch youtube all the time :-)
@@prolamer7 I've thought about this too. I feel like all this technology and the sort of 'instant' entertainment that human beings are used to has reduced our ability to think, wonder and invent. We have become relatively comfortable so we're no longer as innovative as before. I think there's a quote that says 'necessity is the mother of invention' or something along that line.
"We admired a parent who didn't much care about us. Now we repeatedly, but unconsciously, throw ourselves at distant and indifferent candidates." Hit hard
The very idea that so many kids are Ill prepared even from Wealthier families suggests that the Bigger and disengaged a Society becomes .. more hapless kids fall into the abyss… Smaller Towns , Neighborhoods and Communities have it “Takes a Village” mindset and the Realization is that the Elders realize the Investment in the Next Generation is Critical to the Survival of the Group… our Affluence has been our undoing literally from inception.. How can we regain this Vital Connection?!?! 🙏😞🥲
A close friend of mine was going through depression (with overlaying anxiety). He started therapy a year ago, and from what he tells me about it, the topic they work on the most with his therapist is his childhood. Somehow, most of his current mental problems link back to his childhood and his parents behaviour. He is much better now. I strongly suggest therapy to anyone who is going through a similar experience, it really does work. Good luck 🤞
i recently realized how emotionally neglected i was as a child and how that made me the loner i am today. i have to start teaching myself how to connect with people emotionally.
I'm in the same boat. I believe it's worth it. The only real hope for stability in this life falls with in positive and fulfilling relationships (not just romantic, but all relationships)
Me too. I think I realized it earlier but didn’t know it was so connected to childhood until recently. If you’re interested, I recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It’s been difficult, eye opening, and above all very reliving to realize I’m not alone, crazy, at fault, or hopeless in getting “bettter”.
I suggest you practice reflective listening. You can learn to connect with people more. Also if you work with charities, helping others, you also meet the kind, caring people who like to help others. They are pleasant to be with usually and you can perhaps connect with them more.
Adults are on auto pilot also known as “default mode network” most of their days almost all day. It’s that feeling when you arrive at a destination and you can’t remember the whole drive and you wonder how you didn’t crash. You were in auto pilot. It’s a beneficial state of mind occasionally but we tend to spend almost our entire day in that state. Meditation helps a lot to slow your mind down, take a breath and just be in the moment. And as glowsea said, magic mushrooms definitely can help ground you big time. They’re an amazing tool.
The more i research on how to give my child a proper childhood, the more i realize how broken mine was, and how i spent my whole adult life recovering from it. *cue the waterworks* thanks a lot for this video. hope that i can give my child a better childhood she deserves.
Mommie Gee Don't worry, the cycle of generation after generation will kick in when you're long dead and they reach 70. Every generation finds something wrong with their parents no matter how good the parents think they are or well-meaning.
everytime i look back in my childhood, i remember my papa beating us with either his leather belt or an iron bar from the fridge. i also remember my mama threw a comb on my face, leaving me with a four-dotted scar on my left cheek. the difference is that i also remember my mama rushing to put bandage while saying sorry and why she did it at that time, while i don't remember what papa did after and why he did it. i learned Discipline the HARD way. i know my parents were not perfect and there's no point in blaming them for my broken childhood. it's because i know they had a broken childhood as well. To cut this short, I just don't want my baby girl to inherit my broken childhood. bringing me here, analyzing the life a had back then.
As we prepare to meet our first baby in 3 months I’ve been reflecting on my childhood and how I want to raise our kids differently. It’s amazing how gearing up for being a parent yourself opens your eyes to how backwards and damaged your childhood was. I’m noticing patterns and tendencies (that I don’t like) and realizing they’re stemming from my childhood. Excited to attend counseling before baby arrives in order to give it my best shot at being a caring, patient, supportive and encouraging mom. It’s a huge process to change your programmed way of thinking!
Ashton, I don't know if counseling would actually be a good thing, too much depends on the counsellor. If you know yourself, and realize the tendencies that you don't like, you can most likely work it out yourself. I always told my children to be honest with me about MY behavior, and if they see me doing (insert example of tendencies here____) point it out. Children under school age, before they get indoctrinated by things like school are delightfully (although sometimes brutally) honest. Sidenote- if I had school aged children these days, I either wouldn't send them or very seriously check out different types of schools,if possible. Had a Waldorf School (Rudolf Steiner) been nearby, thats where they would have gone. I was always at loggerheads with the school heads, my childrens AND mine back in the day!
@@thehighpriestess978 those are good points! I more feel as though I need someone to help me identify the roots of some of my actions and help me heal the childhood trauma that’s causing them. The counselor absolutely matters so much though! We plan on homeschooling our babies as my hubby and I were both homeschooled until college. I don’t want my kiddos learning all that crap schools teach now.
Congrats hunni. Rely on God he will get you through everything you could everything need or know. You can never ever be prepared enough. Struggles will come... with God they to shall pass.. God bless you yours and baby
Just thinking like that will do wonders Keep that improving mindset you have and try to develop the most you can with your loved ones, and da baby of course. Never stop growing even if it’s one day at a time
I explain to my parents that’s what I do in therapy. Their response is why can’t I just take those memories and emotions and just toss them away? Because I did and that’s part of why I wound up in therapy, parents.
Ariel Whitsund Yes, once one has finished emotionally processing, successfully adopted healthier emotional and behavioral habits, using that technique as the final step helps.
Don't blame yourself, don't blame your parents, or even their parents. We are all victims of our childhood trama. But with this knowledge I will forgive and grow stronger. Amazing video 👌♥️
However you didn't end up mentally ill so now you know that you have a certain inner strength. That's useful to know. Perhaps you also have insights and skills that your parents didn't have. Perhaps you can even be kind to them despite their problems. You yourself may be capable of some miracles.
That was a shock to learn that most people spent 25,000 hours with their parents by age 18. I know I didn't. An only child, I spent most of my childhood on my own with books for company. Certainly didn't learn anything about relating to other people except in the most superficial way.
I didn't. I went months at a time without ever laying eyes on them. They didn't even necessarily know where I was living when I was in elementary school. As an adult my mother introduced me to one of my cousins that she thought that I didn't know. I told her that I used to live with him and his children. She said that she thought I was living with my grandmother. If she had ever talked to me any at all she would have known.
This makes sense to me, I'm 25 and was recently rethinking about my childhood, I was born and raised in Mauritius in a low income family. I had an abusive Father, and my parents got divorced when i was 18. The year i dropped out of university was the year my bestfriend died of Cancer. 2 years ago i was a farm labourer, i always had 2 jobs, now i live in Toronto, and will soon graduate. I had to take 2 loans, and work constantly. I still think that one day i will see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am an extrovert, and the pandemic was hard on me plus it’s difficult for me to make friends here cause so many people the same age or older than me, are too immature. I always thought other people went through the same childhood as mine, and was treating everyone as if they had my childhood. Life is complicated, from the stats i am not suppose to be successful, but i’m trying to prove that wrong. It’s not easy. I hope one day i can come back to this comment and say that i’m finally financially stable. For those having a hard time, or never had it easy, i wanna tell you keep going because hard work always pays off.
Update: I graduated from College, and returned to my home country. I am working in my field and don't make as much money as I would (can't be blamed, I have 2 loans to pay back + the income in a developing country is low). However, I have my friends here and people in my neighbourhood kinda live in the same financial situation. We are supportive of each other. I still have a decision to make, either go back to Canada where I can quickly repay my debts, or stay here and pay the loans during the next 15 years and take another loan to buy a car and maybe a house for myself. To the people who are also in a low-income family: do your best to get a diploma/degree/master's if you can. It helps enormously career-wise.
I had a happy childhood. My father had me when he was 63. He had lived a full life and dedicated himself to my brother and me. He even cooked, spoke to us about college, never fought with my mom, never hit us, but was strict. My mom is in a cult, but her religion taught me many things....reading a lot and informing myself about history and so many things kids did not learn at school. I helped people to learn how to read and write. I swam a lot. When dad died, that was my biggest shake up. I was only 14. I learned how to love myself, love spending time alone, thinking, traveling....and left my entire family because of this cult. I married a man like my father. Logical, educated, that supports me, and helps me. I look back at my mother and understand she had a really screwed up childhood. I try to understand her, and I am at peace now.
@@messyadulthood try formally leaving. You lose your family, friends, community. It claims to be The Truth, yet you can't ask hard questions. Don't be fooled into thinking that cults have to have a single leader and make you chant. If it quacks like a duck.....
If you know yourself, others cannot impose their image on you. But beware clinging too tightly to a single version of you. Good people learn to change.
My heart goes out to all of us who simply managed to endure our childhood and survive, only to struggle for the rest of it to try to love ourselves and love others. The power is within you to find you. Love to all.
No one knows how to give love and kindness to a child, than those who had very little of it in their childhood, and has come to be in full awareness of that lack.
And then they end up fulfilling every one of their kids whims (because they never got their way when they were a kid), resulting in a spoiled brat with entitlement.
But most people think, "I was brought up this way and this is the best way to bring up a kid." The excuse you will hear EVERY time for corporal punishment, e.g.
As we grow up, we learn that nobody really knows how to perform the “parent” job, everyone just seems to copy what they see or experienced. That is why it’s important to acknowledge that no one is perfect, everyone is unconsciously innocent, and therefore we should become whom we needed the most.
Rather, that's why it's important to teach how to parent. You don't walk into the ER and go "I'm not a Dr but I've seen it on TV, hire me". Kids still have to do that baby thing in highschool right? Why not make the class a full deal? And elementary needs to cover emotional ignorance (on one's own emotions & others) called Alexithymia that effects 1 in 10 people. It's where my parent's abuse comes from and I wouldn't be surprised if it was for most.
@@halfofakitty that’s pretty ignorant since the first thing you are when you come into this world is a child. You’re always a child, your body just breaks down and with the years comes experience. You’re not born a parent, being a parent is something you slowly become thanks to trial and error. That’s why some grandparents are better parents than when they first became parents.
Imperfect humans, deeply traumatized with lots of baggage trying to raise their offspring, what do you think the results can be? I’m not saying justify your parents mistakes, but at least acknowledge that they are the result of their own parent’s trial and error, most likely you won’t be a perfect parent either, so, forgive them and forgive yourself as well, do your best now that you are free, your life is yours 🙏
yeah I agree at first I was so resentful & angry towards them but then I realized despite them being not so perfect parents they still tried their best to give me everything in life. the only thing we can do now is break the cycle, forgive them & heal ourselves.
Absolutely. It is not about putting the blame on anyone. Rare are the cases that parents maliciously and purposefully seek out to damage and traumatize their children. Most did they best they could based on the circumstances they were under but this is not to say you shouldn't be able to have conversations about the past and your upbringing. Sadly in mn my experience, their defense mechanism kicks in its very hard to conversate with someone who thinks you're blaming them when in reality you are just trying to get a better understanding of a situation. If they themselves haven't done any work on themselves, it's simply ringing on deaf ears.
Recently i connected something about mine. My mom left me with my grandparrents for about a year somewhere around the age of 5 or 4. Now other things happend since then, but most of my relationships with women were short. Now I have this sort of fear of being abandoned by them, and I sortof recreate scenarios on my head of being left by them. took me 20+ years to connect this. Love my mom. She ment no harm. Parrents divorced around the age of 7 or so...gotta work this one out. *Sigh*
Now that you mention this, I remember that my mother was working at a hospital and would sleep during the day so I would be taken care of by other people at the ages from 1-3 years old. My relationships have not been so great either and feel scared when it lasts longer or the person actually "loves" me. Childhood. What a bummer.
Ray Mccrary same here, my mum had to leave me for a couple of years with my nan. This was while her marriage was in turmoil. I was eventually reunited with my mum, but by then I thought my nan was my mum so had to go through a second painful separation. In addition my dad would come in and out of my life and then just leave, I would wait months sometimes a year or two before I would see him. On special occasions I would sit by the window looking down the road waiting for him, sometimes I would get lucky and he would come and visit. Other days I would just give up eventually. So I’m left with scars which affect my emotions now, but I’m working on it. If you have any good tips, words of advice let me know pls : )
Your comment has prompted me to think of my own childhood. My younger sister was sent to China when she was born and I would’ve been 3 years old then. I don’t think I even knew who she was then. 3 years later she returned from China and the whole family dynamic changed. I went from being the youngest to suddenly having a younger sister who I had no memory of ever interacting with. I suddenly had to share all my toys with her and be an older sister. I don’t think I knew how. I treated her really badly back then. I think that’s why I’m so needy for attention but at the same time feel guilty about it and then isolate myself.
@@flyhigh9944 (And for anyone else), I am doing Therapy with a great therapist. Having someone to talk to about all this has helped out greatly. I will say that do the research as well. Go to a bookstore or use a tablet and search for books that deal with your trauma ("Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson is a good start). That way when you speak to the therapist, you have a good idea of being able to look back at certain situations, now as an adult, and say, "Hey, this situation that I thought was normal was actually pretty traumatic". Since last year, I have been healing, uncovering certain wounds I did not even knew I had, and yeah, it can be much at times. But I am starting to feel. Feel more "Me" than ever before. I hope for you all that you are able to continue on your journey of self-recovery and self-worth. This world needs us to be self-aware in order to make a difference.
I used to be beaten when I was child as form of proper way to raise a disciplined child and since then I have issues to communicate with them . At age of 24 I deal with my parents with hurt although they are kinder now but still am hurt because I can’t forgive them but am trying to heal ! I want peace with myself and my family . I want peace not revenge
Show your parents and tell them that they used to hurt you - I didn’t do that to mine, now they are dead and I regret that I didn’t make that clear. It hurts even more now like one unsolved problem
My dad was drinking a lot, was beating my mom and my dog for no reason many times when I was younger, after my dad cheated on my mom this resulted in a divorce when I was 18. I'm 25 now, I still talk with him, I understand that his life was miserable and he regrets everything. He is still my dad, and I acknowledge that his time alive is timed because he is old now. My advice to you would be to talk with him if that is possible to try to understand why he did such things and explain why it was bad.
It's so sad that you experienced all that beating. Your parents didn't really know what they were doing as parents. I hope you deliberately include some happy experiences in your life every week and even every day. By being kind to yourself and being kind to others, you may be able to gather in the warmth and healing that you need. Later you may realize that your parents were emotionally unintelligent and that they, like many parents, had no idea of what you needed. However there are other kindly people in the community. I hope you can spend time with them and also become kindly yourself.
Parenting used to be a responsibility shared with the community with one rule, that babies shouldn’t know loneliness and that the child is NOT the center of attention. And amongst tribal communities, you rarely hear a baby cry! This is not at all what we have been taught child nature is! With time, we labeled tribal people and their practices as uncivilized, left our communities, and created our own bubbles.
Tribal people know how to be real humans. We in "civilized" society are derranged and sick in every sense. We are essentially robots with no understanding of our roots. We must go back to a simpler way of life. Before TV, before 9to5s, before social media, before porn, before junk food, before egocentrism. Nature is the true teacher and we must return to it.
@@marekj1100 Not just that, but we will have major bloodshed if this suddenly changed, perhaps it will be about food, but I get this feeling it will be because they can
My path in life has been so different to that of my siblings. I chose to look at my difficult childhood and come to terms with the reality of its impact on me. My siblings chose to continue with the illusion drawn by our parents that we lived in a perfect family. I grew up in a family of domestic violence and abuse, but to hear my siblings talk it never happened that way, we had perfect loving parents who loved one another and adored us children. For me as a child, it felt as if I were living the story of the Emperor’s New Clothes. Each time I tried to point out the reality, I was punished. So I learned to stay silent whenever I saw abuse. This was a trait I took into adulthood and had to learn to overcome it. I suffered many years of abuse at the hands of others before I learned to stand up for myself. My mother was also highly competitive with me so if I succeeded in something at school, she would find a way to mock it or minimise the achievement. And from this I’ve become highly sensitive whenever my achievements are mocked or put down. I also developed a fear of success and even today, find myself sabotaging my efforts. It’s hard work facing one’s childhood, but now that I’m the age of 57 I can say the efforts have been worth it. I have a better sense of myself and insight into the impact of my childhood on my development.
I admire your determination to rise above the limitations of your family. You have great strength and you have made a much greater success of life than your mother ever could.
We cannot choose our parents and blaming them is futile as they have themselves been subjected to less than ideal parenting. That is why schools are important. To socialize with others, observe better rewarded behaviors and learn from others to smoothen out the edges of our own personalities.
yes there is no point in holding grudges against your parents for not knowing how to parent not to damage you, but that doesn't mean they cannot be the cause for behavioral and emotional trauma in the future. My parents never meant to emotionally abandone me as a child, but they did, and now i am paying the price. I don't hold it against them because their parents did worse to them, and they only did what they thought was best as best as they knew how, but that doesn't take the responsability away.
Until you notice that certain traits are acquired and not possessed. Insecurity, bad socialization skills and so on can be reinforced by the educational section of our society. In fact, your childhood does not only rely on your parents but on all the adults around you. We are talking teachers, parents of your peers, your parents and people that you could interact with as a child. Family and non family I suppose. Everything bad or good revolves around these people in your childhood as you are just a sponge, absorbing your surroundings. I had a shitty childhood, a very, very shitty one. This grew into a bad adolescence and now, horrid adulthood. My parents are actually a small part of it. They were so bad being parents that even through their abuse I never considered them my problem, just the root of it. It was the educational system what failed me and all the other adults, or seemingly adults that failed to form me into an acceptable young man. Now, I am just a young man, and I don't have them to thank for it. What you are saying is basically, ignore trauma and continue your unhappy life as is. I understood you don't mean it in a bad way, but personally, if I were to listen to your advice. I'd be a less happy human, and I already got some depression of some sort.
My parents were great. School is where i learned i was not accepted because of my looks. No matter how smart or job successful, i always carry that "low self esteem" always.
School is also full of damaged adults. You don't believe teachers have their own dysfunctional lives? School is the very place children from dysfunctional backgrounds can be manipulated.
@Mitthenstein You can't unlearn abuse or dysfunction. You a parent? I was very aware of my childhood molestation. Therefore did not molest my child, however made other mistakes. We are human.
My parents convinced me that my anger towards them was just a “phase that teenagers go through”. It wasn’t until recently that I truly confronted my past and realized I wasn’t to blame for my anxieties and unhappiness. The abuse was real. My anger was real and rational. I was made to feel crazy by crazy people. Now that I know that I can grow above and beyond them into a stronger person. One that forgives and smiles instead of blames and scowls. I am better than my parents.
That's not surprising, it's far easier to imagine that other people are being irrational when complaining about abusive behavior than to admit that the rage is a natural reaction to bad behavior. Parents that do that to kids commonly have poor social skills that lead them to be incapable of properly interpreting other's emotional states.
ALT3REDB3AST that’s totally understandable and true. But I’ll make sure to convey to my child that I am flawed. I’m not perfect. And that life is hard. Instead of claiming to be the gate keeper to all things reasonable and justifiable. I won’t be an alcoholic that forgets in the morning. I won’t be obsessed with my 9-5. I’ll try my best to listen. And if I fail to listen then I’ll only have myself to blame. But anyways, love is the answer forward, not resentment and mistrust. Just acceptance and learning from the mistakes of the past. I’ll bridge the gap when I’m ready.
@@AheadOfTomorrow I'm totally fucked in the head from this but holding on to sanity. One thing I heard a long time ago and latched onto was. There needs to be ten good loving things to balance out one bad thing. So I was always mindful of the math and it works
Yep, my mother made me feel like I had to be perfect all the time and if I expressed any "negative" emotions or disobeyed I was made to feel like a bad person. Now I have such low self esteem and always feel like I am a failure for not being "perfect" or for feeling anger or sadness. I try to tell myself I am not to blame, that my mother was actually messed up and not the "perfect" saint she pretended to be
After I grew old and tried to right myself... I realized how unfortunate this world is. Because there are so many people out there who were molded or forced into something else. There is so much anxiety, self doubt, depression and chronicle health issues in our society mostly because of bad upbringing. People have so much potentials... yet barely anyone could tap into that gift.
I am a 21 year old male and this video genuinely made me cry. I still don’t know exactly why I am crying but I assume it is because of my repressed emotions from all these years. Your videos have made me realize that me repressed emotions have unfortunately expressed through anger and isolation. I have always thought that therapy was useless, but here I am being proven otherwise, and maybe subconsciously all this time I was just trying to convince myself that I wasn’t broken. Thank you for this video, it has truly been life changing.
A lot of trauma in my childhood, and I never really realized it until my freshman year of college when it all kind of hit me at once. Idk why but the years of watching my family struggle with alcohol and the constant feeling of uneasiness didn't really register with me until years after it had finally ended.. it just kind of seemed normal because I had no one to talk about it to, but I'm now realizing that my circumstances weren't normal for any child to live through. It's almost made me averse to drinking alcohol, because I've seen first-hand how it can affect people when used in excess.
Same here. It hit me in high school, had to be hospitalized! As I get older I'm proud to say I've been healing my traumas and anxieties from childhood.
It's great that you are averse to drinking alcohol. That's a good start. I suggest that you learn meditation as a self-soothing exercise. Be sure to do even just 10 minutes a day and it will steadily heal you. Same with getting enough sleep, exercise, healthy food and having some fun with friends. All those very ordinary things can have a calming effect. Some work is great if you can find it but finding a meaning in life is even better. I hope you can find the healing you need.
❣ I have complex PTSD... my childhood was absolutely awful too awful to share.. my experience has led me dwn an amazing path of self discovery * awakening my consciousness to love!! through my path of self love I've come to realise that my parents must of experienced a similar childhood for them to behave the way they did!! They neglected our needs as well as their own.. my grandparents must of also had it difficult.. .. I've decided that it ends with me!! If we allow ourselves the love & compassion we ALL need we in turn can stop the cycle !! Be extra kind towards yourself * we all have experienced some kind of truma/loss in our lives ... we all deserve to acknowledge our pain with compassion... I'm holding space for you all 🕉💜... love Reah ❣
Now in my 7th decade I made the choice to deal with my childhood. Better late than never I say. Therapy is teaching me the truth about my childhood experience. The more I learn, the more I realize I suffer from CPTSD. My work now is after recognizing the lie that I believed, leaving it behind and going ahead with the truth about myself. Going forward for me includes letting people chose whether they believe the lie or the truth. This will determine my relationship with them.
I've unconsciously been looking for ME over the last couple of months. Examining things i say, do and think and my search led me back to my childhood and relationship with my parents. Amazing
Stuck In The 90s I’ve found a very similar thing. I’m only 19 but I’ve been going through some weird self discovery thing, and I’ve realised so many of my behaviours and default reactions to situations are a product of my parents. It’s amazing how much your parents rub off on you. But what’s even more interesting is that their parents rubbed off on them, etc. So there’s a big chance that if someone doesn’t break the chain of some of the negative behaviour, it’ll never change
@@c.l.visions2581 You are absolutely right. It can lead to a cycle but the beautiful thing is you are 19 and have so much time to craft the next 70 years or more on your own terms
Parents are just people. At a certain point we need to learn what was valuable from them but also to quietly discard the other stuff. We can learn to copy other better adults e.g. kind, sensible teachers or other people that we meet who behave better than our parents. WE can practice in our imagination responding to situations in better ways than our parents. e.g. if our parents always got furious when someone offered them some helpful advice, we can practice responding differently e.g. by saying, "Thanks for your ideas. I'll think about those ideas later when I have more time." Or if our parents used too much alcohol or used drugs, we can go to Alcoholics Anonymous or drug rehab and we can adopt a healthier lifestyle which leaves us with much more money (because addictions are so expensive) and means we don't get the muddled brains and dopey behaviour of drunk people.
As a child, I learned that emotions are a nuisance and always overblown and get in the way of important things that need to be dealt with. My whole adulthood, I've felt wrong and even crazy or at best weak for having strong (or any) emotions. It's continual work to negotiate on the inside, trying to parse out when I'm being a naturally feeling human and when I'm indulging unhealthy, ancient patterns. Now I live with my parents again (mom has Alzheimer's) and sometimes I feel so resentful towards my father (the scientist and my primary childhood emotion-squasher) that I can hardly stand to be in the same room as him. I'm happy for the knowledge and understanding the dynamics of my early formation, but it's bringing so much pain to this last leg of the journey with my parents. This is definitely not my favorite time of life :/
Don't feel alone in this. Sending you a long distance hug. I feel and live this too. When I turned 19 I became really sick and it lasted into my late 20s so i was never able to finish college and do what normal young adults do. Now in my 30s I started therapy and I am still trying to find my way but I realize how narcissistic and borderline my mother is, how it ruins her marriage and disturbs my dad and always causes drama and even interrupts my relationships. Sometimes I despise her and pity my dad and even myself but either I have to remind myself she's sick or my dad reminds me but it's just a really hard part of life to deal with right now. I'd never been taught my emotions or feelings were important and now that I am learning but still in an oppressive situation where I can't win it just becomes more draining and complicated.
@@Yunapooluza Thank you for your message. We have similar-ish stories. My mother was mentally ill all my life -- strong meds, hospitalizations.... Yes, she was the real victim, and yes, my dad and she did their best, and yes, we kids had a nice life overall. But the focus was always on mom and her moods and her needs. My next-oldest sister and I were just sort of expected to figure things out on our own (my mom was healthier when the older kids were young). All we got was, "Oh, by the way - mom's sick again and grandma's coming to stay with us." No one ever said, "Does this make you sad? What would make you feel better?" or "Why were you crying at that birthday party?" or "Why are you terrified screaming for the entire first day of kindergarten?" No therapy or any type of intervention. It was either a "rescue" in the form of a treat or letting me get my way on something, or an out and out "Stop crying already, go to your room." It was never about trying to unravel my emotions or helping me manage them or soothe myself. It makes me sad to think about how confused I felt all the time as a kid. It's better now, I've done a lot of work, but those patterns are reaaaally hard to undo. I mostly feel like a freak all the time, like everyone else "gets" how to do life except me. Virtual hug to you as well :) I suppose we can at least say that it could always be worse, that we at least have the awareness to work with this stuff, rather than just mindlessly repeat the patterns with no hope of making repairs.
There are some good videos regarding forgiveness on this channel... I remember one line in one where Alan says something like "being able to forgive ourselves for not haven forgiven already" and that moved somethings forward for me.
I have been through a similar situation; I didn't move back in with them, but that's because I'm married to a woman who I've come to realize in recent years is uncannily like my recently deceased 93 year old mother, as far as NPD/BPD (co-morbid) goes. And my Dad is still alive at 94; once a week I take him to do his shopping and banking, hoping I can get through it without him making some disapproving comment about my weight or some aspect of my appearance. Lately he's toned that down because he knows that I'm one of the reasons why he's not in long term care. I've been in a 12 step programme for the last twenty years and done my share of therapy. One of the most important things I've learned is that if I'm going to save myself, I have to be compassionate with myself. It's not what they did or didn't do in their parenting that matters in my life NOW. What matters is my ability now to recognize the manifestations of that toxicity and use my OWN (higher) power to banish it so that I can be free to do what I truly believe is right for me. Self-doubt and people pleasing self-sacrifice need no longer shackle who I am. And most importantly, I can do this without resentment and anger, because I can accept and love all of me now, the good and the not-so-good. And I can extend that acceptance now to others, too, whether I'm related to them or not. None of this is simple or easy. It is, however, necessary for me to truly live MY life. I hope this can be of some help, and I wish you well.
After speculating my whole childhood i recently was able to do a diagnosis and found out that i am autistic. Yes! Reading our childhood actually gives us a clearer picture about our future. I am 25 ❤️
Oh man, I'm having therapy now. It's hard but its necessary, my happiness is on the other side just got to put in the work. Good luck to everyone else that's owning their s**t ❤
I always worry that I’m going to mess my kids up after being messed up by my parents. From therapy I’ve learnt that it’s best to be open with your kids. I apologise when I’m wrong. I explain that I may not always get things right but I’m trying and I want the best for them. I explain that it’s hard to be an adult and we don’t all have it together. I’ve learnt from my parents some things I definitely don’t/ want to do. But somethings I won’t know. Communication is definitely the key
Lisa Bailey ❤️ my daughters name is Bailey. Your comment made me tear up. I feel like such a bad mom sometimes but for the same reason that I didn’t have such a great childhood. What your saying is so true! All we can do is our best and apologize when we are wrong! Thank you for your comment. It helps tons! I’ll also be in therapy pretty soon!
Lost my mother at age 9 after long illness. My sister and I were bullied by older brothers, taking their grief out on us. We felt unloved and rarely understood by a father who expected only to be a provider. We lost him too in early adulthood. Don't think I ever made sense of that apart from a low self esteem and under achieving. He tried his very best, and was a good man.
I've been sorting through my childhood and reparenting myself. My mum did what she could but our relationship is so not healthy I believe I was infantilized
Reparenting is the act of giving yourself all the things you may feel you were deprived as a child. It could be as simple as jumping in puddles, it's the process of healing that lil person who's still fragile in us makes us trigger happy... Thank you all for your responses. NAMASTE 🔥
Geeesus, it’s taken me a lifetime to sift out my parents and why I am the way I am. The deeper I go the more I find and realize. It’s a goldmine of self truth. I’ve tried having this conversation with my parents and it is always shut down. My mother fears being looked at as a bad mother and makes up her own narrative to the past that makes her have no accountability. I have two narcissistic and emotionally immature parents. All we can do is try and be better. To not be afraid to look into the mirror that shows the ugly uncomfortable sides to ourselves. There is freedom in truth. Life is way to short to live otherwise.
Me: "it's your fault I'm messed up, you dropped me as a kid" Mom: "hold on, I'm neurotic because my mother dropped me" Grandma: "now now, I was also dropped"... Some disappearing monkey or the other: "hold on, it's not my fault, I too was dropped as a child" So where does it end? All I know is, the buck stops with you and me. Now that we all acknowledge we're messed up, we need to take responsibility for our lives or continue being miserable. There really isn't any other option - short of ending one's life and we all know we're not going there, or it would have been done by now.
This is why I once heard that "the issues you have are not yours, they are from your entire family, so when one person can go and heal and improve, he/she is helping the entire family to heal". :)
For everyone thinking they cant remember their childhood and are therefore incapable of seeing the patterns that have shaped them I suggest reading Toxic Parents by Craig Buck and Susasn Forward. I thought Id forgotten a lot, but reading the stories of people in that book made me remembet a LOT and connect the dots
Seriously... Same here! I am a relatively happy person, content with my life, a good mom to my kids, and doing okay in the work-family balance area. My relationship with my parents is also OK... Not too close, nor too distant... Just ok. I don't really blame for the way I am... Or maybe I don't remember. What I do remember is a distant mother and an absent father. Honestly, that's it. They were not abusive or anything, but I do remember emotionally distant parents. In fact, when I got married, I felt much more at home in my husband's home, than my own! But I don't really spend time thinking about how terrible my childhood was. I guess watching a school of life video brings back all those repressed memories... That's why I end up feeling depressed. But honestly, I don't want to feel this way.... To hell with my repressed memories.... If I am happy in the present, the past should not matter.
I'm sorry but i actually find them soothing, i come here everytime I'm facing crisis in life. I hope you find videos that resonates with you and feel better soon :)
I would argue that I led a comfortably good life... until my emotional baggage caught up to me, I went to a counsellor and all of my childhood and trauma broke loose and wreaks havoc in my life. Reopening old wounds will undoubtedly painful, but for me it is important to face my fear and rise. I hope things are going well for you.
Have never seen a more accurate video than this one explaining the importance of childhood experiences in shaping the adult personality and mental health issues in such simple and clear way. Great job!
I have fond childhood memories. My parents were a bit different from normal, as they're something like intellectual bohemian type. We were not rich but not poor. I never had to do any home work or work hard at schools because my parents never demanded or put pressures on me that I had to excel in anything. So I just played around most of the time. Which is perhaps why I don't take life too seriously. I have little ambition, I don't work hard, I'm not super rich but have good income. I'm now 60 with somewhat successful career, family and love life. Guess I'm quite lucky. Thank you mom and dad, miss you always.
If I could give just one 8 minute lesson to all of my patients in my therapy practice, it would be this one. This is so spot on. I argue that we as adults have both a responsibility and indeed an obligation to examine our childhood experiences to understand more fully how those experiences shaped us, both for the better and for the worse, and to then seek to make changes within ourselves so that we can ultimately become the adult that more closely approximates how we would have turned out as adults had we been provided all that we actually needed during our childhood years but did not get.
I always felt my place in the family was to make peace and be funny. I wanted everyone to be happy. I still want everyone to be happy. People do their best. My childhood could have been better, my mom had some family issues which caused problems. I was loved though and taught values. I would give my parents an A for effort. They both had messed up childhoods and tried not to pass it on. Compared to their childhoods mine was perfect.
I recently learned about ACES - Adverse Childhood Experiences - and how they increase the likelihood of a wealth of bad things in someone's life the more they have. There are ten in total. I also read the vast majority of population has one or less. I have seven - and it is really hard for me to believe that most people have not experienced most all of what I have.
Dr Felitti (I think that's his name) deserves a sainthood for his work. On the one hand it is kind of shocking to learn that so many people will never understand the things that happen, but on the other, it is good to learn that some really do! The secrecy, shame and cultural taboos that keep these things out of polite conversation are a major contributing factor in how we are affected. Just knowing that people do survive and that they can go through those things helps us believe that we can too.
I think this analysis is somewhat shortsighted. Parents do mold our early experiences as does the society around us with all its race, gender, age, class, etc. expectations. We are constantly bombarded with these expectations- attempts to mold our self image and take on the larger world. This is why it is good for children to be sent out into the world for a public education. There they will be introduced to an enormous variety of people, attitudes, ideas, perceptions, ideologies, etc. Hopefully, if the education is done right, the child will then be able to select the ideas, perspectives, etc. that best suits who s/he wants to be/is. The hope of education is that it broadens a child’s knowledge of the world and the people in it so that options are more readily available. Teachers, friends, classmates, etc. all presented me with alternative ways of being, responding, and growing. For me, books especially were incredible teachers, showing me different norms, values, etc. In this way, children ARE constantly studying their own childhoods- what is normal, how they measure up, what they accept and reject. While I have great respect for homeschooling, when it is done well, I fear the majority of it is done to encase children in limitations- limit exposure to ideologies, perspectives, practices, etc. In these environments, children get little to no opportunity to see options, to make their own choices, to question what may not seem right to them. This lack of choice and insight can do incredible damage to them and their psyches. Maybe we could do a better job of having children more consciously evaluate their childhood experiences, but again, if the public education they are getting is done right, they are already doing this to a large extent.
I don't fully agree. I meet lots of people that blame their childhood for their present and although it might have an influence, the study of your current mind is more important in my opinion.
Bullcrap, study psychology and then you will realise how much your parents fucked you up. And if they didn't: good for you but not everybody has the luck of an idyllic childhood.
I agree with both. You are completely responsible for your present actions and the study of yourself right now is extremely important but that would also entail studying your childhood to get how and why you are the way you are. I say this from personal experience.
Studying one’s childhood helps in finding the origin of unhealthy emotions and behavior. Analyzing the childhood origins helps in mending ones mindset and behavior expeditiously without subconsciously slipping back into those unhealthy habits.
My Dad's depression rubbed off on me and getting bullied and fighting at school didn't help much. To this day, I've been trying to change and the depression has turned into raging anger. My Mom babied me a little too much and that didn't help either. She was a control freak, resisting to change like spiking up my hair in 5th grade, for example. And I had low self confidence when talking to women cause I saw them as an authority figure, when they're NOT
Anger is a much more energetic emotion than depression so that is a good start. Can I suggest that you use that energy in a creative way? What is something that might make your life happier or healthier? e.g. joining a gym or learning to cook really healthy food or ... Transform your anger into a steady determination to make your life more interesting or enjoyable or satisfying in small but steady ways. Knock down the unhappiness and claim something good for yourself. If the first venture doesn't go very well, just have a go at something else. I wish you well.
Yes it certainly is very useful. I would add that sometimes it is also necessary to delve into our parent's childhood in order to understand how they themselves were raised since it would have influenced our own childhood too. As a child/adolescent I would question my grand parents not only about my parents but also there's. It can take many years to put two and two together. Also I would strongly recommend reading"The road less travelled" by Scott Peck for those who truly seek to understand. It can be a terribly painful process to undergo but a healing one too.
My childhood made me who i am today. At 4 my mom broke me with her abandonment, the following years i suffered physical and emotional abuse from my dad and his new wife. I learnt from this, not ever let someone hurt me again, and most importantly be happy on my own.
I am deeply grateful to Alain ... for trying explain us why are our lives the way the are ... I would honestly confess I am on the right path to understand mine at the age of 68 at least. Switzerland
After 5 years of being married, I’ve learned to know my husband through his parents. unfortunately no one is exempt from some type of childhood trauma and I often reflect on my own to seek ways to heal from it. It’s not an excuse to continue generational “curses” but at the same time it’s not healthy to ignore the root cause of our undesirable behaviors engrained in is from childhood.
I recommend a book called "Homecoming" by John Bradshaw. It gets much deeper into childhood traumas and also has a lot of exercises to help with introspection and most importantly, developing and building a relationship with yourself and your inner children. The work is long and hard but it is very rewarding and has massively changed my life.
OMG, SANITY HE SPEAKS! I've spent my life on this subject: my childhood. (For which, I think I deserve a medal for having survived.) I'm 83 and still puzzled by it, still overwhelmed, and still working on it.
I had the best parents in the world, truly, I was fortunate. Even on reflexion, I can't fault their parenting. They did everything they could to make me a happy child, and a good person. And yet, I can still make some criticisms of some of their choices. They had taught me never to hit anyone no matter what, even in defence (I should just report it to a teacher, or authority). This was terrible, as it made me appear weak to my peers, and my large imposing appearance didn't reflect my soft nature, and was an open invitation for Bullying at school. This was something I eventually had to fix myself much later in my development, when I reached puberty and realised not everything my parents taught me was correct. Not only that, but they also really had trust in the education system, seeing their highly educated peers earning more than them, they believed all they had to do for me to live wealthily would be to go to university and study a technical degree like Engineering. But, (and this isn't directly their fault, just an unfortunate consequence of a new generation in a decaying Capitalism model), having a degree in this day and age is not special, and really I have just been streamlined into the same system as all of my exploited peers have been, where we actually earn comparatively less than our parents, yet are expected to deliver far higher quality and more specialised work. They also taught me to be nice to everybody. Not just to be nice, but to NEVER be "bad" in any way, shape or form. This too, a bit like the bullying, has manifested itself in adulthood as over-agreeableness. When I am being taken advantage of, or exploited, I really do struggle to assert myself, as to disagree with someone is to let them down, to be "mean". Again, working against this is something I have developed later in life (as late as early adulthood), but it still is very difficult to assert myself, and goes against every natural feeling I have. But in this high-speed, selfish and highly competitive world, I have to do that. So I guess the moral of the Story is, there is no "right" way to parent. No matter what is done, your established self will manifest in both good and bad ways. Of course, some parenting methods will be better than others, but even the best method will still have drawbacks.
I grew up with 2 very over controlling parents who never let me venture off on my own. Im now 39 and look back at all the time I have lost letting my parents control me! It sucks sooo bad
Again, The School of Life clearly articulates the primary cause of unhappiness as an adult. I get this, and I've lived it. I have also worked my butt off trying to remove the creases in my childhood fabric that I realize are making life more difficult than it needs to be. For anyone who reads this and has had a similar experience, a few thoughts..... first, if your battles are severe (e.g., prolonged depression) you will almost certainly need help in the form of counseling and/or medication. If you choose therapy, spend some time researching the subject to make sure you select an effective counselor. The importance of this step cannot be overstated. If you and your mental health provider believe that medication would be helpful, know that there's many options and you will almost certainly benefit once you are using an effective medication. I used medication for a few years for depression, but once I was able to use other means for relief I stopped the drugs. That was 10 years ago, and it was meditation that stopped the depression completely. I continue to use meditation, both guided meditation and solo meditation to make further progress in terms of "becoming whole". The progress has been very slow and incremental, but measurable improvements in mood, attitude, and relationships have definitely taken place. I only wish there were a faster way to iron out all the wrinkles and have a more normal life with more ordinary problems. Perhaps intensive therapy would have accelerated the progress, but my track record with counselors is about one good shrink for every 10 I have tried. I feel like the meditation will eventually get me to where I want to be, but again, it's an extremely slow process. Someday, I am sure people will have tools for resolving serious childhood issues, but for now I think it's realistic to believe there's considerable time and effort needed. However, if a person can succeed, they will be rewarded with much more pleasant days and better relationships so it's worth the effort, no doubt. Best wishes to all.
I'm so grateful for your channel! It has helped me a lot and I feel that my feelings and experiences are validated and that's so helpful to me coming from an alcoholic/dysfunctional family. Thank you!
@@karsim83 How can you even begin retrospection without reliving the past? In this particular case, the latter is a prerequisite to the former. You literally cannot begin meditating on the past without reliving the past.
This is so trippy bc it’s like looking at myself deeper than ever before, I can’t really put into words how this makes me feel but its giving me a lot of clarity.
Do take a note of this btw ruclips.net/video/V-UvSKe8jW4/видео.html somehow I'm bit hesitant to just randomly watch this video and forget about it afterwards
No one is smart. Everyone knows different things. The fact that you are watching this means you have curiosity for psychology and possible philosophy, and you are learning, thus gaining knowledge and becoming smarter in those subjects. And imo, those are awesome things to get knowledgeable about
To everyone: Read Alice Miller's work, especially The Drama of the Gifted Child and The Body Never Lies . These books have radically changed how I think about my childhood!
I have watched this video repeatedly now. It is extremely insightful. I will incorporate its basic teachings with my educational experiences with children, in hopes that they can feel more aware as they grow up.
I went through so much trauma as a kid, like one event after another after another, etc. and never processed it, just built up a barrier so I couldn’t be hurt again. For 3-6 years I was a depressed, furious kid, and I took it out on my brother and family. Like not just yelling but like Intense screaming at them like top of my lungs and saying really hurtful stuff just because I was hurt, and didn’t know how to express it. I ruined my relationship with my family because of it. I was hurt again and again and again. Over and over in such a short time period without expressing it, that I bottle it up and slowly let it seep out on them. I couldn’t even tell myself I was hurting, I’d just hurt them and go back to my room and yell at video games. I’m happy this channels here, in a way it helps me process the trauma. Thank you ❤️
My parents weren't exactly perfect, but my home life was fine. Where things came undone for me was school. It was seriously traumatising. Forcing kids to spend most of their childhood in the midst of hundreds of other confused kids competing for attention and acceptance is child abuse. And that is not my parents fault.
@@prickowens9341 meganmeierfoundation.org/Yeah you are thinking in black and white. There is a large difference between light bullying and making you grow stronger, and overwhelming trauma too much for a developing mind. "Youth who are bullied are at increased risk for depression, anxiety, sleep difficulties, lower academic achievement, and dropping out of school" Snowflake, really? Using that word shows a lack of experience in life man.
Going to school while being a bit different from the average child you find yourself encountering a few to many budding sociopaths. My home life was almost perfect but school was a different matter.
school can be a very good place to learn life, with lessons on avoiding baing manipulated, self-control and restraint, abiding rules, dealing with problematic people etc. It also strongly depends on how those problems are interpreted and dealt with. But for it to be a success, a child needs a mentor figure who will help with problems and answer questions properly. And the thing is, many adults who actually provide advice harbor resentments, subconcious fears and hates, and will skew this advice in their favor, not being objective. The most important thing is, that those problems will arise, need to be dealt with, and based on previously gained experiences, will require less and less input from the mentor for the pupil to solve, which is the goal - independence via a healthy rule-set. A child left alone in a hostile environment as many schools represent, will likely not develop properly and gain traits and behaviours that are detrimental.
Ever since I was a young child, I grew up with books and the internet. They taught me more than my parents who were working to get their life fulfilled. I don't think they're honestly bad, especially knowing their parents would've been worse for them, they made all of us grow happier and with support. But I think because of their unavoidable absense made me forget that I have a parental figure, making me grow up on my own, solve things on my own and not relying to anyone. I just turned 16 yesterday, and I think I grew too mature than I should've- than what others have. I'd say it as a good thing, but it's unfortunate that also because of growing up too fast means you don't get to be a child as much.
I always wish my mother would watch these psychology videos especially about childhood, because i think even now she's 55, still very unaware of everything a normal middle aged woman should. she grew up in an environment where beating kids is the right way to discipline, and grew up to be emotionally sacrificial/repressed, maybe that's why she is a short tempered narcissist mother. i also grew up with her beating . at age 25, i learned i had all the symptoms of social anxiety disorder as a teenager - the anxiety that i've been trying to overcome on my own in my early 20s without knowing much about it except just simply having anxiety attacks (sweating and difficulty in breathing) even on eating in front of people or facing 5 people in a group. ... some adults are becoming children beacause of not having the childhood they deserved. as i try to understand my childhood, i get to understand myself, i also get to understand my mother and her childhood as well. i'm doing a reflection of her life why and how she became who she is so i can do better with my own
Growing up being manipulated by my father, he taught me to lie to my mother and fake my cries just so my mom could send him money. I was around 5 or 6 that time. Starting from that day, I had trouble trusting people because my mentality was if I couldn’t trust my father, how could I trust other people? He is clearly not a good father figure, but thank God we got some father figures now in the internet like Jordan Peterson. I know some people don’t like him but he’s kind of grounded and that’s the role I’m looking for. I also started learning about stoicism and start applying its lessons and values to my life. I wrote down what I will tolerate and not tolerate from other people and started speaking up for myself. I’ve forgiven him. I realized that there’s no such thing as moving on, but there is a thing called letting go. For me, moving on is trying to forcefully forget the past or what might have happened. But then I believe that what your resist, persists. So I started doing meditation too and learn the art of letting go. The way I see letting go is embracing what happened in the past, and not letting it dictate who you’re going to be. I keep telling myself that I can’t do anything about it anymore and it’s not my fault that I’m damaged now, and just focus on how can I become a good father to my children soon, a good husband to my beautiful wife, a good man who serves and gives to community, an independent, accountable, and reliable man for myself. I might still be going to school but I draw what kind of future I want already. Let’s get this fellas!!!!!
I used to think that I had a perfect childhood and that my parents were the best, but after watching this video ... ... I still think that! Good job Mom and Dad!
How about providing a means to a solution, a way for us to deal with and transform our childhood experience into a healthy wholesome functioning adult? This was so gloom and doom. Is there a course to take how childhood has shaped us, heal or fix it as adults and turn it all into a healthy success? Especially today, NOT very many people can afford a psychologist, and missing work to go to sessions.
Jerry Wise on RUclips has much more helpful videos than this. Any therapist or coach coming from a Bowen Family Systems Theory approach would. The idea is to resolve your issues in the present, not endlessly examine where they came from. I haven’t read it myself but I hear the book Growing Yourself Up by Jenny Brown is good for that, too. Weirdly enough, the book Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch is excellent for working on your self IMO. Also, wether it necessarily fits your situation or not, Adult Children of Alcoholics materials can be really good.
There are some very good books e.g. Steve Biddulph's books "The New Manhood" and "Raising Boys." Also these days, psychologists don't emphasize childhood so much. They urge people to set up a support system of good habits e.g. healthy food, healthy exercise, some meditation, getting enough sleep, spending time with good-natured friends, finding some satisfying work, choosing a meaning that you want to give to your life, having some time to yourself, having fun, doing something creative. The combination of those things often helps to heal you and calm you so you can live your best life. You can't do all those things well all the time but you can aim in that direction and it really helps.
How many of us learned much of what we didn't want to become from our parents? I learned by 10 years old that both parents were just regular, flawed people doing the best they could do. Because their flaws were much more noticeable to me I vowed to avoid taking on those negative traits. It was later, as I experienced the world as an adult, when I came to understand just how uncommon their positive traits were in the general population.
The sense of normalcy in an parent-child relationship resonates so strongly. I adored my mother and constantly vied for her favour in order for her to demonstrate some form of conditional affection because I thought that was normal. I constantly thought I owed her something to purchase her love but it was never forthcoming. I thought this was normal. But after seeing other mothers, both of friends and even in lived-in accommodation, I realised my own experience was the corrupted one.
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What could you learn by looking at your childhood? Let us know in the comments below and be sure to turn on notifications to ensure you don't miss our next film.
The School of Life I’ve said forever to study your family of origin dynamics. You don’t know who u are unless u examine the way we’ve been raised. Over 80 percent of us have been abused and have some level of trauma as a child. Unfortunately our parents have done a horrific job at raising us. I had to go no contact from my family of origin over 20 years ago. Malignant narcissists at the very least. Long story but it’s about time this is brought to the fore. Thank u for this much overdue upload.
It's funny you say that. That we sometimes don't have anything to compare our state with.
Because even if we do, what means do we have of escaping it. It's like one of those times at night when you're awake and can see and hear and feel everything but you can't move.
And if you're unlucky enough, there's something sitting on the edge of your bed too.
The Child is father of the man💯
Pregnancy control would have prevented my inconvenient birth to my overburdened mother to 4 children and led to my not being emotionally neglected and left me floundering in the world of human interactions.
Get out while you can and don’t have kids yourself
I realized that my parents cared more about what people thought of them as parents rather than how we actually turned out as adults.
You just described the majority of Asian parents.
@@yuansutopia And Romanian parents.
@@yuansutopia and parents who want to be like Asian parents
@@yuansutopia and black parents :’)
Oh how this seems true for my family as well.
"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still." Lao Tzu.
Tao te ching?
007KitKit not sure (haven’t finished that one yet, more like a consultation book for me as of now)
The art of war
@@miguelmr3076 That would be Sun Tzu. No it's the writer of 'Tao te Ching' - man the Chinese had psychological insights 2100 years ago upon we stumble right now...
As worried as I might be about the future with China as the new superpower of the world - it might actually be not so bad because they aquired DEFINITELY more cultural wisdom than the USA have. This might transalte into better political decision-making. :)
Agreed
It's staggering how many people have the same lonely, fragmented, and emotionally stifled childhoods as one another.
Yes, you are not special, or in better words, you are not alone
That’s because the perfect childhood would require the perfect parents, and perfection does not exist. That’s why everyone you meet in life will be broken in some way. It’s only the truly exceptional and wise that conquer themselves, and in my opinion, it’s what everyone should strive for; knowing themselves.
Anton Young I like the way you phrased that
@@Zairow And there's always gonna be someone who's had it worse than you, sadly
It's a cycle, nothing surprising about it, but it's ironic
" the older I get, the more that I see. My parents aren't heroes. They're just like me " older by sasha sloan
I learned they're dumb
Yes I love that song
I love that song too ❤️
*They just hurt me
😭😔
"Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom."
- Aristotle
well if you don't know yourself it is unlikely that you will be able to figure out anything else
Which Self ??? The one projected onto U or the hidden obscured one that Could’ve Been ?!?? 🤔
@@FKOFFable the actual one inside your head
@@scambammer6102 … Good Luck if U can Separate tha Two 🍀
@@FKOFFable that’s the whole point of the quote
I read a lot as a child, and that's where I found my role models. When I was ten, I decided that there was something wrong with my parents and that it was up to me to bring myself up. It was healthier, I think, than trying to trust them.
Well done! Without literature, my childhood would have been a very dark place. It was like a spark - life can (and will?) be different than this. Joy is possible
living in a different generations, my escape was going outside to play with other broken kids, hanging out with my sister (until she us and dug a deep wound in me, i've never suffered more than then) or playing videogames until morning. i've lived with my mom after my parents broke up when i was 6, and around the age of 10-11 i also noticed my mom was weird and wrong and i unconsciouslly isolated from her a lot, to the point where the only times i talked to her were when i was telling her to make me food, and that was it, i even ate inside my room, and everytime i was around her i felt horrible. then i started seeing all my friens hanging out with their parents and stuff and i wanted to reconnect with her because i was jealous of them, and that was a really bad decision. now i'm 17 and i have a step father which is really annoying, living only with my mom for years. the upside to isolating myself from her is that i developed my own personality, ideas and that i had the freedom to do whatever i want
@@AleXcsGaming your isolation is not for granted. you've become your own person and now you have the ability to change everything you dont find happy. 17 is a tough age and to be so young, you're not alone in your feelings of isolation. once you have more freedom in your actual life (being able to buy a home or a car), you can find people that truly make you happy and care about you and even one day, fix your relationship with your mother. I wish you so much luck, strength, and resilience in your time of darkness. your self awareness is a huge asset and you're so strong for getting to where you are now. you should be proud.
@@AleXcsGaming Gave me goosebumps. I think, you're on the right track. And remember: when you're 18, the freedom will be even greater. Wish you all the best 😊.
My brother died at age 17. 😢
saaaaame!
"It is always -strangely- preferable for a child to think of themselves as unworthy and deficient than to see their parent as unstable and unfair." Whoa. :(
A child worships their parents and is reliant on them forever.
So true.
Bojack Horseman perfectly portrayed this in its story line
I think its the wrong thing to think that your parents didnt do everything to make it the best for you.. if you understand their path in life you can forgive.. at least you get family back right...
@Charles Lee Ray you're right i think.. it's not rational to accuse your parents.. if you confront them you should acknowledge their perception analyse and try your best to still give love to your parents..
I've been slowly realising how insane and emotionally void my own mom is, and how manipulative and possibly codependent/narcissistic she's been for many years. It's incredible how we don't even notice the abuse because it's our normal. You believe you're what's wrong in the family and that you're the insane one until you grow up and start reflecting on the many occasions you've felt unloved.
You worded that all so perfectly. That's exactly it.
or maybe it's you who is insane and emotionally void possibly a narc too.
When we are children we can only believe the best in our parents abuse... such as I was bad and deserved abuse. However as children we are protected from that truth because we could not handle the truth at a young age. it's a protection so we as children can survive.. the truth is ours in adult hood where hopefully you have help to resolve the abuse and carry on. I lived it and am recovering
In conclusion you know that people really are vulnerable to chaos, some are able overcome it, some are not. It depends in your wisdom to accept them as they are and anybody else... I think reflecting from our experience as well as others helps us learn and stand our own ground then we become our own man.
grace jaklik again . I will pray for you. I can’t help you anymore. You made your choice raine . You should try to help your mom out. She look sick. And your dad l. They both look sick. Maybe my prayers can help give you some mercy. Good luck. I wish you the best.
My dad was emotionally distant when I was a child, but I realise now it was because his father was the same. He didn’t know how to break the cycle, he didn’t know how to be any different. He made sure I always had books to read and I thank him for that, but I do wish I knew more about him and that he would have opened up. Now I’m the father, and I’m struggling with the same with my son. I’m trying my best to break the cycle but I don’t always succeed. But I’m hoping that because I acknowledge the fact that I’m not perfect, that I do try, that I will do better. I’ve just bought 2 journals, I’m writing my life’s story in them and my ‘wisdom’ to pass on. If I don’t succeed in being a more emotionally available parent, I hope my kids will read the journals one day and understand who I am better. But my plan is that they will not need them in order to do so. I will break the cycle and I will do better. Peace out to you all, my father died a month ago. I don’t know how to grieve properly yet 😢
Take your time and allow yourself to feel all the emotions that come. There is no correct order. Every one experiences grief in their own personal way.
A hug for you bro 🫂
Your efforts mean so much in that you care & want to … so meaningful. I think much of what we beat ourselves up with is good to have awareness but then to forgive yourself. You are on a beautiful journey.. like the night sky sometimes you wouldn’t see the light if it didn’t get dark at times… all experiences are good when we learn to have patience with ourselves & forgiveness. You can’t put the gas mask on others if you can’t breathe yourself…. Never beat yourself up just know awareness & good thoughts mean you are on the right path. Everything is intention, (your own beliefs about how your journey should look) & patience to create things the way we want. Too often it’s easy to beat yourself up I’ve found, try switching beating for boosting yourself up. Emotions often come naturally positive when we just learn to let go & relax… it’s the opposite of complexity, scary but absolutely possible. Many issues just stem from fear & anxiety & the thoughts we have… submerge yourself in kind thoughts & messages xx Love & forgiveness heals. Light, love & hope throughout any darkness
I feel you bro when you say you dont know how to grieve properly. Same story here with the father, youre doing a good job
Stay strong & forgive yourself. My father wasn't loved & couldn't show me love ,hugs etc. Took a long time to simply realise they are just fallible human beings. Don't read too much into just learn from it & move on. Took me 40 yrs :)
I used to think I had a perfect childhood growing up in a middle class family...until I learn about attachment theories and after taking a good look at my anxiety issues that’s been affecting my relationships my whole life, I’ve finally realized my parents had been highly critical and emotionally controlling, and my dad actually suffers from anxiety himself.
As a child I believed my parents were the best and that they were perfect, and I had to do my best to please them, but so much internal pressure was built up I eventually exploded and later resented them. There’s this period of time where I just wanted to avoid contact with them at all cost because talking to them would trigger my anxieties. Now that I know the root cause of all this, it really isn’t their fault.
But self love is the answer, parent yourself, nurture yourself, love yourself. The love is within you.
Same story I feel you man but I didnt figure it out yet
hichem benmeziane go watch some youtube videos, and read articles, etc. about self love, they help a lot!
@@mochiwaffles I will try that actually thanks for the advice🙏 .
The lights gets only throw people who cracked 😇.
Wow. You hit the nail on the head. Here’s to healing
It feels bad after realising our parents were never perfect as we thought but it feels good that we understand them and it is ok because no human is perfect and happy to help them overcome their issues. ❤️ I had similar experience like yours and i loved how u are dealing with it. ❤️
When I turned 19, I became more aware of a lot of things. I start to notice the traits that I hate about my parents are actually the traits I also acquired from them and apply them to my life. It’s sad how our parents are supposed to be the role models but sometimes they not knowingly teach us their negative traits and later on as we grow up, we tend to not notice it as we become like them.
Yeah, I understand you. Same here. Now that I'm 18, and have gained some understanding of the human psyche, I am realising how fucked up I am and why I'm fucked up. Even though my parents tried their best. It's just like that. We're all born fucked up, some more than the others.
Mine had the opposite effect. All the things that I hated about them, messy, unfaithful, detached, are what I focussed on fixing in me. Basically I do everything they failed at and it makes me a better person for it.
It seems like 19 is the age of awareness because when I turned 19 is when I realized how flawed my mother was and I pulled away from her and saw that my father really was a good person who had tried to tell me all along that my mom wasnt quite right.
im 15 and i can already see my parents flaws, it has been a couple of years actually since i started noticing lol, i don’t quite know if i would still be considered in childhood, but for what i see now, my parents attitudes and their relationship changed quite a lot since i was a little kid, but tbh i don’t really know how all of this will affect me in my adulthood, but well, hopefully as one of u said, ill be able to work on myself from all my parents flaws and become a better person
@@Yunapooluza
What if you realize your mother is inadequate at mothering at 6?
used to believe my childhood was amazing. it was fun being a kid outside the home but inside the home it was emotionally empty. ugh and it affects you forever...huge anxiety issues
Snap...
Best solution is to brush it under the carpet and hope nothing triggers it...doesn't work for me though, might work for someone else.
At least you had fun outside
Same. I had a lot of great friends in my neighborhood and school growing up. Really couldn’t ask for better experience on that end, but come from a broken home where my parents were cold and hot headed / working all the time and on top of this I had no siblings, so it was very isolating.
Can’t relate but I can understand. My childhood was so good outside as well as inside, I still remember how cozy and warm it felt to cuddle in that little space between my mom and the couch while we laying there hugging and watching soap operas..... or the excitement of waiting on my mom to roll me a handmade tortilla with butter 😋 definitely had an awesome childhood that I plan on reflecting back to my children ❤️
I'm 15 and I've known these things for years. When you have parents you can't talk to (and for a while, my sister, before we came closer), you grow up fast. I used the internet, logic, critical thinking and self-help books. I've had to overcome a lot of things on my own and formed some bad habits along the way (I don't share/open up, not myself around people, anxiety, fear of doing things/standing out/ making the wrong decisions etc). But it's a work in progress and I know I'm getting better.
Oge O. You are young with great self awareness and I’m surrounded are gazing great navigational skills in life. Keep pushing
Same here. I started doing that when I was 17. I just turned 20 a month ago 💕. Cheers to you!
Internet is big thing it gives you more options to learn. In past you might make friend but thats about it. But its also true you had much more time to think without it... wonder if famous people of past would ever invented things if they could play some PubG game or watch youtube all the time :-)
And well uhm one more advice... watch some TNG era Star Trek... I know odd advice, but trust me on this one.
@@prolamer7 I've thought about this too. I feel like all this technology and the sort of 'instant' entertainment that human beings are used to has reduced our ability to think, wonder and invent. We have become relatively comfortable so we're no longer as innovative as before. I think there's a quote that says 'necessity is the mother of invention' or something along that line.
"We admired a parent who didn't much care about us. Now we repeatedly, but unconsciously, throw ourselves at distant and indifferent candidates." Hit hard
😢 🤗
yep.
Damn
Our childhood years are so important. It's too bad that many of us spend so much time recovering from it.
Exactly! If childhood is so incredibly important....why can't people do better at it??!! Everyone seems to suck it at - generation after generation.
The very idea that so many kids are Ill prepared even from Wealthier families suggests that the Bigger and disengaged a Society becomes .. more hapless kids fall into the abyss… Smaller Towns , Neighborhoods and Communities have it “Takes a Village” mindset and the Realization is that the Elders realize the Investment in the Next Generation is Critical to the Survival of the Group… our Affluence has been our undoing literally from inception.. How can we regain this Vital Connection?!?! 🙏😞🥲
A close friend of mine was going through depression (with overlaying anxiety). He started therapy a year ago, and from what he tells me about it, the topic they work on the most with his therapist is his childhood. Somehow, most of his current mental problems link back to his childhood and his parents behaviour. He is much better now. I strongly suggest therapy to anyone who is going through a similar experience, it really does work. Good luck 🤞
Ya its true school of life has another video about relationship, the partner you pick based upon your parents traits.
I can't afford therapy and college wallah
@@void9231 Get a good friend to just be your "physicologist". Tell him to pry into your life and answer his questions honestly
Got my first appointment on Valentine's day, hope it works for me
@@kdp2575 I'll pray for you. Don't worry, it'd be okay
i recently realized how emotionally neglected i was as a child and how that made me the loner i am today. i have to start teaching myself how to connect with people emotionally.
I'm in the same boat. I believe it's worth it. The only real hope for stability in this life falls with in positive and fulfilling relationships (not just romantic, but all relationships)
Me too. I think I realized it earlier but didn’t know it was so connected to childhood until recently.
If you’re interested, I recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It’s been difficult, eye opening, and above all very reliving to realize I’m not alone, crazy, at fault, or hopeless in getting “bettter”.
I suggest you practice reflective listening. You can learn to connect with people more. Also if you work with charities, helping others, you also meet the kind, caring people who like to help others. They are pleasant to be with usually and you can perhaps connect with them more.
me too but I love being a loner
Same! I’m having a hard time trusting another human!
So adults are just big children who are afraid of exploring their subconscious
Most are not _just_ big children. However, there’s a little child inside every one of us, I believe.
Yeah
Exactly
Kool Tony
Please don’t insult the beautiful kids.
Adults are on auto pilot also known as “default mode network” most of their days almost all day. It’s that feeling when you arrive at a destination and you can’t remember the whole drive and you wonder how you didn’t crash. You were in auto pilot. It’s a beneficial state of mind occasionally but we tend to spend almost our entire day in that state. Meditation helps a lot to slow your mind down, take a breath and just be in the moment. And as glowsea said, magic mushrooms definitely can help ground you big time. They’re an amazing tool.
The more i research on how to give my child a proper childhood, the more i realize how broken mine was, and how i spent my whole adult life recovering from it. *cue the waterworks*
thanks a lot for this video. hope that i can give my child a better childhood she deserves.
Good for you for putting in the work. Your child is lucky to have you.
Mommie Gee Don't worry, the cycle of generation after generation will kick in when you're long dead and they reach 70. Every generation finds something wrong with their parents no matter how good the parents think they are or well-meaning.
@@riteasrain you are not helpful.
@@MsBettyRubble Sorry? You know me? I'm having a discussion with the OP not with you.
everytime i look back in my childhood, i remember my papa beating us with either his leather belt or an iron bar from the fridge. i also remember my mama threw a comb on my face, leaving me with a four-dotted scar on my left cheek. the difference is that i also remember my mama rushing to put bandage while saying sorry and why she did it at that time, while i don't remember what papa did after and why he did it. i learned Discipline the HARD way. i know my parents were not perfect and there's no point in blaming them for my broken childhood. it's because i know they had a broken childhood as well.
To cut this short, I just don't want my baby girl to inherit my broken childhood. bringing me here, analyzing the life a had back then.
As we prepare to meet our first baby in 3 months I’ve been reflecting on my childhood and how I want to raise our kids differently. It’s amazing how gearing up for being a parent yourself opens your eyes to how backwards and damaged your childhood was. I’m noticing patterns and tendencies (that I don’t like) and realizing they’re stemming from my childhood. Excited to attend counseling before baby arrives in order to give it my best shot at being a caring, patient, supportive and encouraging mom. It’s a huge process to change your programmed way of thinking!
Ashton, I don't know if counseling would actually be a good thing, too much depends on the counsellor. If you know yourself, and realize the tendencies that you don't like, you can most likely work it out yourself. I always told my children to be honest with me about MY behavior, and if they see me doing (insert example of tendencies here____) point it out. Children under school age, before they get indoctrinated by things like school are delightfully (although sometimes brutally) honest. Sidenote- if I had school aged children these days, I either wouldn't send them or very seriously check out different types of schools,if possible. Had a Waldorf School (Rudolf Steiner) been nearby, thats where they would have gone. I was always at loggerheads with the school heads, my childrens AND mine back in the day!
W mom,ur gonna do great!
@@thehighpriestess978 those are good points! I more feel as though I need someone to help me identify the roots of some of my actions and help me heal the childhood trauma that’s causing them. The counselor absolutely matters so much though! We plan on homeschooling our babies as my hubby and I were both homeschooled until college. I don’t want my kiddos learning all that crap schools teach now.
Congrats hunni. Rely on God he will get you through everything you could everything need or know. You can never ever be prepared enough. Struggles will come... with God they to shall pass.. God bless you yours and baby
Just thinking like that will do wonders
Keep that improving mindset you have and try to develop the most you can with your loved ones, and da baby of course. Never stop growing even if it’s one day at a time
I explain to my parents that’s what I do in therapy. Their response is why can’t I just take those memories and emotions and just toss them away?
Because I did and that’s part of why I wound up in therapy, parents.
My mother: Why are you going to therapy for depression? Why don't you just GET OVER IT!
Me: and THAT is why I'm in therapy!
Emotional Freedom Technique can help (you put it away).
Keep going.
Ariel Whitsund Yes, once one has finished emotionally processing, successfully adopted healthier emotional and behavioral habits, using that technique as the final step helps.
67 people in counting have experienced similar abuse, including me. We want you to be the best and healthiest you 🙂 we believe in you!
Boomers...
Don't blame yourself, don't blame your parents, or even their parents. We are all victims of our childhood trama. But with this knowledge I will forgive and grow stronger. Amazing video 👌♥️
Thank you 😊
So we spend 25K hrs with our parents by age 18 ...It's a miracle I didn't end up in a mental institution.
I love this. Thank you.
However you didn't end up mentally ill so now you know that you have a certain inner strength. That's useful to know. Perhaps you also have insights and skills that your parents didn't have. Perhaps you can even be kind to them despite their problems. You yourself may be capable of some miracles.
I did😟
That was a shock to learn that most people spent 25,000 hours with their parents by age 18. I know I didn't. An only child, I spent most of my childhood on my own with books for company. Certainly didn't learn anything about relating to other people except in the most superficial way.
I didn't. I went months at a time without ever laying eyes on them. They didn't even necessarily know where I was living when I was in elementary school. As an adult my mother introduced me to one of my cousins that she thought that I didn't know. I told her that I used to live with him and his children. She said that she thought I was living with my grandmother. If she had ever talked to me any at all she would have known.
My entire childhood was spent trying to fix my mother's fights with my dad and emotionally supporting her without getting anything in return
Exactly me compensating for my mothers fights
a summarization of my whole entire effin life in one single sentence is this RUclips comment
Same 😅😅😅
This makes sense to me, I'm 25 and was recently rethinking about my childhood, I was born and raised in Mauritius in a low income family. I had an abusive Father, and my parents got divorced when i was 18. The year i dropped out of university was the year my bestfriend died of Cancer. 2 years ago i was a farm labourer, i always had 2 jobs, now i live in Toronto, and will soon graduate. I had to take 2 loans, and work constantly. I still think that one day i will see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am an extrovert, and the pandemic was hard on me plus it’s difficult for me to make friends here cause so many people the same age or older than me, are too immature. I always thought other people went through the same childhood as mine, and was treating everyone as if they had my childhood. Life is complicated, from the stats i am not suppose to be successful, but i’m trying to prove that wrong. It’s not easy. I hope one day i can come back to this comment and say that i’m finally financially stable. For those having a hard time, or never had it easy, i wanna tell you keep going because hard work always pays off.
Hope you succeed soon my friend.
I hope you’ll come back to this comment and sigh in relief because you made it. Good luck in life
Update: I graduated from College, and returned to my home country. I am working in my field and don't make as much money as I would (can't be blamed, I have 2 loans to pay back + the income in a developing country is low). However, I have my friends here and people in my neighbourhood kinda live in the same financial situation. We are supportive of each other. I still have a decision to make, either go back to Canada where I can quickly repay my debts, or stay here and pay the loans during the next 15 years and take another loan to buy a car and maybe a house for myself.
To the people who are also in a low-income family: do your best to get a diploma/degree/master's if you can. It helps enormously career-wise.
Do whatever makes you happy. We're getting older and the only thing wha matters is inner peace
It's a strange world when you treat everyone equally.
I had a happy childhood. My father had me when he was 63. He had lived a full life and dedicated himself to my brother and me. He even cooked, spoke to us about college, never fought with my mom, never hit us, but was strict. My mom is in a cult, but her religion taught me many things....reading a lot and informing myself about history and so many things kids did not learn at school. I helped people to learn how to read and write. I swam a lot. When dad died, that was my biggest shake up. I was only 14. I learned how to love myself, love spending time alone, thinking, traveling....and left my entire family because of this cult. I married a man like my father. Logical, educated, that supports me, and helps me. I look back at my mother and understand she had a really screwed up childhood. I try to understand her, and I am at peace now.
Bless you.
Was the cult JW, perchance?
@@messyadulthood try formally leaving. You lose your family, friends, community. It claims to be The Truth, yet you can't ask hard questions. Don't be fooled into thinking that cults have to have a single leader and make you chant. If it quacks like a duck.....
Yes
What a wonderful life you're living! Good on you!
The taboo against knowing who you are.
praise Alan!
Watts
Yes!
If you know yourself, others cannot impose their image on you. But beware clinging too tightly to a single version of you. Good people learn to change.
My heart goes out to all of us who simply managed to endure our childhood and survive, only to struggle for the rest of it to try to love ourselves and love others. The power is within you to find you. Love to all.
No one knows how to give love and kindness to a child, than those who had very little of it in their childhood, and has come to be in full awareness of that lack.
You made me cry. So beautiful.
@@bettylong6331 Then let those tears be most healing and affirming of the awareness that you are blessed to have.
And then they end up fulfilling every one of their kids whims (because they never got their way when they were a kid), resulting in a spoiled brat with entitlement.
But most people think, "I was brought up this way and this is the best way to bring up a kid." The excuse you will hear EVERY time for corporal punishment, e.g.
I do and I'm someone
As we grow up, we learn that nobody really knows how to perform the “parent” job, everyone just seems to copy what they see or experienced. That is why it’s important to acknowledge that no one is perfect, everyone is unconsciously innocent, and therefore we should become whom we needed the most.
I really agree with this.
"We should become who we needed the most" Very wise and I agree with that totally.
“Nobody really knows how to perform the parent job…” that’s pretty stupid. Lots of amazing parents out there. I’m one of them
Rather, that's why it's important to teach how to parent. You don't walk into the ER and go "I'm not a Dr but I've seen it on TV, hire me". Kids still have to do that baby thing in highschool right? Why not make the class a full deal? And elementary needs to cover emotional ignorance (on one's own emotions & others) called Alexithymia that effects 1 in 10 people. It's where my parent's abuse comes from and I wouldn't be surprised if it was for most.
@@halfofakitty that’s pretty ignorant since the first thing you are when you come into this world is a child. You’re always a child, your body just breaks down and with the years comes experience. You’re not born a parent, being a parent is something you slowly become thanks to trial and error. That’s why some grandparents are better parents than when they first became parents.
Imperfect humans, deeply traumatized with lots of baggage trying to raise their offspring, what do you think the results can be? I’m not saying justify your parents mistakes, but at least acknowledge that they are the result of their own parent’s trial and error, most likely you won’t be a perfect parent either, so, forgive them and forgive yourself as well, do your best now that you are free, your life is yours 🙏
Keryn L. Sánchez thats why i believe in breaking the cycle
I need to hear this.
Yeah let's heal ourselves before becoming a parent
yeah I agree at first I was so resentful & angry towards them but then I realized despite them being not so perfect parents they still tried their best to give me everything in life. the only thing we can do now is break the cycle, forgive them & heal ourselves.
Absolutely. It is not about putting the blame on anyone. Rare are the cases that parents maliciously and purposefully seek out to damage and traumatize their children. Most did they best they could based on the circumstances they were under but this is not to say you shouldn't be able to have conversations about the past and your upbringing. Sadly in mn my experience, their defense mechanism kicks in its very hard to conversate with someone who thinks you're blaming them when in reality you are just trying to get a better understanding of a situation. If they themselves haven't done any work on themselves, it's simply ringing on deaf ears.
Recently i connected something about mine. My mom left me with my grandparrents for about a year somewhere around the age of 5 or 4. Now other things happend since then, but most of my relationships with women were short. Now I have this sort of fear of being abandoned by them, and I sortof recreate scenarios on my head of being left by them. took me 20+ years to connect this. Love my mom. She ment no harm. Parrents divorced around the age of 7 or so...gotta work this one out. *Sigh*
Now that you mention this, I remember that my mother was working at a hospital and would sleep during the day so I would be taken care of by other people at the ages from 1-3 years old. My relationships have not been so great either and feel scared when it lasts longer or the person actually "loves" me.
Childhood. What a bummer.
Ray Mccrary same here, my mum had to leave me for a couple of years with my nan. This was while her marriage was in turmoil. I was eventually reunited with my mum, but by then I thought my nan was my mum so had to go through a second painful separation.
In addition my dad would come in and out of my life and then just leave, I would wait months sometimes a year or two before I would see him. On special occasions I would sit by the window looking down the road waiting for him, sometimes I would get lucky and he would come and visit. Other days I would just give up eventually.
So I’m left with scars which affect my emotions now, but I’m working on it. If you have any good tips, words of advice let me know pls : )
Your comment has prompted me to think of my own childhood. My younger sister was sent to China when she was born and I would’ve been 3 years old then. I don’t think I even knew who she was then. 3 years later she returned from China and the whole family dynamic changed. I went from being the youngest to suddenly having a younger sister who I had no memory of ever interacting with. I suddenly had to share all my toys with her and be an older sister. I don’t think I knew how. I treated her really badly back then. I think that’s why I’m so needy for attention but at the same time feel guilty about it and then isolate myself.
being self aware is the first step 💓 I'm glad you can recognize this about yourself so you can move on and find happiness. good luck to you.
@@flyhigh9944 (And for anyone else), I am doing Therapy with a great therapist. Having someone to talk to about all this has helped out greatly.
I will say that do the research as well. Go to a bookstore or use a tablet and search for books that deal with your trauma ("Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson is a good start). That way when you speak to the therapist, you have a good idea of being able to look back at certain situations, now as an adult, and say, "Hey, this situation that I thought was normal was actually pretty traumatic".
Since last year, I have been healing, uncovering certain wounds I did not even knew I had, and yeah, it can be much at times. But I am starting to feel. Feel more "Me" than ever before.
I hope for you all that you are able to continue on your journey of self-recovery and self-worth. This world needs us to be self-aware in order to make a difference.
I used to be beaten when I was child as form of proper way to raise a disciplined child and since then I have issues to communicate with them . At age of 24 I deal with my parents with hurt although they are kinder now but still am hurt because I can’t forgive them but am trying to heal ! I want peace with myself and my family . I want peace not revenge
Hand the pain to god in your prayers. It will help you heal
Be honest and emotionally open, to yourself and those around you. These kind of videos can help you, as can spiritual teachers like Osho.
Show your parents and tell them that they used to hurt you - I didn’t do that to mine, now they are dead and I regret that I didn’t make that clear. It hurts even more now like one unsolved problem
My dad was drinking a lot, was beating my mom and my dog for no reason many times when I was younger, after my dad cheated on my mom this resulted in a divorce when I was 18. I'm 25 now, I still talk with him, I understand that his life was miserable and he regrets everything. He is still my dad, and I acknowledge that his time alive is timed because he is old now. My advice to you would be to talk with him if that is possible to try to understand why he did such things and explain why it was bad.
It's so sad that you experienced all that beating. Your parents didn't really know what they were doing as parents. I hope you deliberately include some happy experiences in your life every week and even every day. By being kind to yourself and being kind to others, you may be able to gather in the warmth and healing that you need. Later you may realize that your parents were emotionally unintelligent and that they, like many parents, had no idea of what you needed. However there are other kindly people in the community. I hope you can spend time with them and also become kindly yourself.
Parenting used to be a responsibility shared with the community with one rule, that babies shouldn’t know loneliness and that the child is NOT the center of attention. And amongst tribal communities, you rarely hear a baby cry! This is not at all what we have been taught child nature is! With time, we labeled tribal people and their practices as uncivilized, left our communities, and created our own bubbles.
Tribal people know how to be real humans. We in "civilized" society are derranged and sick in every sense. We are essentially robots with no understanding of our roots. We must go back to a simpler way of life. Before TV, before 9to5s, before social media, before porn, before junk food, before egocentrism. Nature is the true teacher and we must return to it.
@@DivineHeart734,
There’s a little problem with that… The Earth cannot feed eight billion tribal people being one with nature. Hence we’re screwed.
@@marekj1100 Not just that, but we will have major bloodshed if this suddenly changed, perhaps it will be about food, but I get this feeling it will be because they can
Unabomber tried to advise us
My path in life has been so different to that of my siblings. I chose to look at my difficult childhood and come to terms with the reality of its impact on me. My siblings chose to continue with the illusion drawn by our parents that we lived in a perfect family. I grew up in a family of domestic violence and abuse, but to hear my siblings talk it never happened that way, we had perfect loving parents who loved one another and adored us children.
For me as a child, it felt as if I were living the story of the Emperor’s New Clothes. Each time I tried to point out the reality, I was punished. So I learned to stay silent whenever I saw abuse. This was a trait I took into adulthood and had to learn to overcome it. I suffered many years of abuse at the hands of others before I learned to stand up for myself.
My mother was also highly competitive with me so if I succeeded in something at school, she would find a way to mock it or minimise the achievement. And from this I’ve become highly sensitive whenever my achievements are mocked or put down. I also developed a fear of success and even today, find myself sabotaging my efforts.
It’s hard work facing one’s childhood, but now that I’m the age of 57 I can say the efforts have been worth it. I have a better sense of myself and insight into the impact of my childhood on my development.
I admire your determination to rise above the limitations of your family. You have great strength and you have made a much greater success of life than your mother ever could.
thanks for sharing this
We cannot choose our parents and blaming them is futile as they have themselves been subjected to less than ideal parenting. That is why schools are important. To socialize with others, observe better rewarded behaviors and learn from others to smoothen out the edges of our own personalities.
yes there is no point in holding grudges against your parents for not knowing how to parent not to damage you, but that doesn't mean they cannot be the cause for behavioral and emotional trauma in the future.
My parents never meant to emotionally abandone me as a child, but they did, and now i am paying the price. I don't hold it against them because their parents did worse to them, and they only did what they thought was best as best as they knew how, but that doesn't take the responsability away.
Until you notice that certain traits are acquired and not possessed. Insecurity, bad socialization skills and so on can be reinforced by the educational section of our society. In fact, your childhood does not only rely on your parents but on all the adults around you. We are talking teachers, parents of your peers, your parents and people that you could interact with as a child. Family and non family I suppose. Everything bad or good revolves around these people in your childhood as you are just a sponge, absorbing your surroundings. I had a shitty childhood, a very, very shitty one. This grew into a bad adolescence and now, horrid adulthood. My parents are actually a small part of it. They were so bad being parents that even through their abuse I never considered them my problem, just the root of it. It was the educational system what failed me and all the other adults, or seemingly adults that failed to form me into an acceptable young man. Now, I am just a young man, and I don't have them to thank for it. What you are saying is basically, ignore trauma and continue your unhappy life as is. I understood you don't mean it in a bad way, but personally, if I were to listen to your advice. I'd be a less happy human, and I already got some depression of some sort.
My parents were great. School is where i learned i was not accepted because of my looks. No matter how smart or job successful, i always carry that "low self esteem" always.
School is also full of damaged adults. You don't believe teachers have their own dysfunctional lives? School is the very place children from dysfunctional backgrounds can be manipulated.
@Mitthenstein You can't unlearn abuse or dysfunction. You a parent? I was very aware of my childhood molestation. Therefore did not molest my child, however made other mistakes. We are human.
My parents convinced me that my anger towards them was just a “phase that teenagers go through”. It wasn’t until recently that I truly confronted my past and realized I wasn’t to blame for my anxieties and unhappiness. The abuse was real. My anger was real and rational. I was made to feel crazy by crazy people. Now that I know that I can grow above and beyond them into a stronger person. One that forgives and smiles instead of blames and scowls.
I am better than my parents.
That's not surprising, it's far easier to imagine that other people are being irrational when complaining about abusive behavior than to admit that the rage is a natural reaction to bad behavior. Parents that do that to kids commonly have poor social skills that lead them to be incapable of properly interpreting other's emotional states.
So easy to blame parents until you become one and your kids blame you! Good luck!
ALT3REDB3AST that’s totally understandable and true. But I’ll make sure to convey to my child that I am flawed. I’m not perfect. And that life is hard. Instead of claiming to be the gate keeper to all things reasonable and justifiable. I won’t be an alcoholic that forgets in the morning. I won’t be obsessed with my 9-5.
I’ll try my best to listen. And if I fail to listen then I’ll only have myself to blame.
But anyways, love is the answer forward, not resentment and mistrust. Just acceptance and learning from the mistakes of the past. I’ll bridge the gap when I’m ready.
@@AheadOfTomorrow I'm totally fucked in the head from this but holding on to sanity. One thing I heard a long time ago and latched onto was. There needs to be ten good loving things to balance out one bad thing. So I was always mindful of the math and it works
Yep, my mother made me feel like I had to be perfect all the time and if I expressed any "negative" emotions or disobeyed I was made to feel like a bad person.
Now I have such low self esteem and always feel like I am a failure for not being "perfect" or for feeling anger or sadness. I try to tell myself I am not to blame, that my mother was actually messed up and not the "perfect" saint she pretended to be
After I grew old and tried to right myself... I realized how unfortunate this world is. Because there are so many people out there who were molded or forced into something else. There is so much anxiety, self doubt, depression and chronicle health issues in our society mostly because of bad upbringing. People have so much potentials... yet barely anyone could tap into that gift.
:0
I feel exactly the same :(
For one school system is designed for 19th century... most time of most important years are uterly wasted...
I am a 21 year old male and this video genuinely made me cry. I still don’t know exactly why I am crying but I assume it is because of my repressed emotions from all these years. Your videos have made me realize that me repressed emotions have unfortunately expressed through anger and isolation. I have always thought that therapy was useless, but here I am being proven otherwise, and maybe subconsciously all this time I was just trying to convince myself that I wasn’t broken. Thank you for this video, it has truly been life changing.
My childhood which I vaguely remember fills me with sadness and rage. Just thinking about it spirals me down into this hole of pain...
sad that my brain blocked my childhood basically
wael ag •Same😩
something went wrong then
Prolonged high levels of stress affect your brain's ability to store memories.
Me too and of course barely any photos either
Aei Lorux Is that permanent?
A lot of trauma in my childhood, and I never really realized it until my freshman year of college when it all kind of hit me at once. Idk why but the years of watching my family struggle with alcohol and the constant feeling of uneasiness didn't really register with me until years after it had finally ended.. it just kind of seemed normal because I had no one to talk about it to, but I'm now realizing that my circumstances weren't normal for any child to live through. It's almost made me averse to drinking alcohol, because I've seen first-hand how it can affect people when used in excess.
I wish someone would have told me THIS as a child; this isn't your fault & you don't deserve it. Hold that near your heart. Better late than never.
Same here. It hit me in high school, had to be hospitalized! As I get older I'm proud to say I've been healing my traumas and anxieties from childhood.
Same, I can't drink either, but since I started smoking at 17 my vice is weed.
It's great that you are averse to drinking alcohol. That's a good start. I suggest that you learn meditation as a self-soothing exercise. Be sure to do even just 10 minutes a day and it will steadily heal you. Same with getting enough sleep, exercise, healthy food and having some fun with friends. All those very ordinary things can have a calming effect. Some work is great if you can find it but finding a meaning in life is even better. I hope you can find the healing you need.
I don't even remember that much about my childhood and I'm only 23😶
That’s a red flag.
I'm 19 and honestly my childhood is pretty vague, especially when compared to others.
Appreciate you guys mentioning that, I'm much older than you and don't feel as bad now
Didact The mind either suppressing traumatic memories or protecting itself by blocking traumatic events from being stored into long term memory.
Same
❣ I have complex PTSD... my childhood was absolutely awful too awful to share.. my experience has led me dwn an amazing path of self discovery * awakening my consciousness to love!! through my path of self love I've come to realise that my parents must of experienced a similar childhood for them to behave the way they did!! They neglected our needs as well as their own.. my grandparents must of also had it difficult.. .. I've decided that it ends with me!! If we allow ourselves the love & compassion we ALL need we in turn can stop the cycle !! Be extra kind towards yourself * we all have experienced some kind of truma/loss in our lives ... we all deserve to acknowledge our pain with compassion... I'm holding space for you all 🕉💜... love Reah ❣
Now in my 7th decade I made the choice to deal with my childhood. Better late than never I say. Therapy is teaching me the truth about my childhood experience. The more I learn, the more I realize I suffer from CPTSD. My work now is after recognizing the lie that I believed, leaving it behind and going ahead with the truth about myself. Going forward for me includes letting people chose whether they believe the lie or the truth. This will determine my relationship with them.
I've unconsciously been looking for ME over the last couple of months. Examining things i say, do and think and my search led me back to my childhood and relationship with my parents. Amazing
Stuck In The 90s I’ve found a very similar thing. I’m only 19 but I’ve been going through some weird self discovery thing, and I’ve realised so many of my behaviours and default reactions to situations are a product of my parents. It’s amazing how much your parents rub off on you. But what’s even more interesting is that their parents rubbed off on them, etc. So there’s a big chance that if someone doesn’t break the chain of some of the negative behaviour, it’ll never change
@@c.l.visions2581 You are absolutely right. It can lead to a cycle but the beautiful thing is you are 19 and have so much time to craft the next 70 years or more on your own terms
No one:
This channel: your childhood was shit, but don't worry so was everyone else's
to very different degrees though, and as the ACEs studies have shown, the severity of the consequences depends on that (and genes too of course)
Imperfect adults trying to raise a functional family. We all will succeed and fail at various points. It's what we do.
@@AntoDesormeaux Oui, c'est ça. 🙂
Parents are just people. At a certain point we need to learn what was valuable from them but also to quietly discard the other stuff. We can learn to copy other better adults e.g. kind, sensible teachers or other people that we meet who behave better than our parents. WE can practice in our imagination responding to situations in better ways than our parents. e.g. if our parents always got furious when someone offered them some helpful advice, we can practice responding differently e.g. by saying, "Thanks for your ideas. I'll think about those ideas later when I have more time." Or if our parents used too much alcohol or used drugs, we can go to Alcoholics Anonymous or drug rehab and we can adopt a healthier lifestyle which leaves us with much more money (because addictions are so expensive) and means we don't get the muddled brains and dopey behaviour of drunk people.
As a child, I learned that emotions are a nuisance and always overblown and get in the way of important things that need to be dealt with. My whole adulthood, I've felt wrong and even crazy or at best weak for having strong (or any) emotions. It's continual work to negotiate on the inside, trying to parse out when I'm being a naturally feeling human and when I'm indulging unhealthy, ancient patterns. Now I live with my parents again (mom has Alzheimer's) and sometimes I feel so resentful towards my father (the scientist and my primary childhood emotion-squasher) that I can hardly stand to be in the same room as him. I'm happy for the knowledge and understanding the dynamics of my early formation, but it's bringing so much pain to this last leg of the journey with my parents. This is definitely not my favorite time of life :/
Don't feel alone in this. Sending you a long distance hug. I feel and live this too. When I turned 19 I became really sick and it lasted into my late 20s so i was never able to finish college and do what normal young adults do. Now in my 30s I started therapy and I am still trying to find my way but I realize how narcissistic and borderline my mother is, how it ruins her marriage and disturbs my dad and always causes drama and even interrupts my relationships. Sometimes I despise her and pity my dad and even myself but either I have to remind myself she's sick or my dad reminds me but it's just a really hard part of life to deal with right now. I'd never been taught my emotions or feelings were important and now that I am learning but still in an oppressive situation where I can't win it just becomes more draining and complicated.
@@Yunapooluza Thank you for your message. We have similar-ish stories. My mother was mentally ill all my life -- strong meds, hospitalizations.... Yes, she was the real victim, and yes, my dad and she did their best, and yes, we kids had a nice life overall. But the focus was always on mom and her moods and her needs. My next-oldest sister and I were just sort of expected to figure things out on our own (my mom was healthier when the older kids were young). All we got was, "Oh, by the way - mom's sick again and grandma's coming to stay with us." No one ever said, "Does this make you sad? What would make you feel better?" or "Why were you crying at that birthday party?" or "Why are you terrified screaming for the entire first day of kindergarten?" No therapy or any type of intervention. It was either a "rescue" in the form of a treat or letting me get my way on something, or an out and out "Stop crying already, go to your room." It was never about trying to unravel my emotions or helping me manage them or soothe myself. It makes me sad to think about how confused I felt all the time as a kid. It's better now, I've done a lot of work, but those patterns are reaaaally hard to undo. I mostly feel like a freak all the time, like everyone else "gets" how to do life except me.
Virtual hug to you as well :) I suppose we can at least say that it could always be worse, that we at least have the awareness to work with this stuff, rather than just mindlessly repeat the patterns with no hope of making repairs.
ca mez I’m sorry your father was not emotionally there for you.
There are some good videos regarding forgiveness on this channel... I remember one line in one where Alan says something like "being able to forgive ourselves for not haven forgiven already" and that moved somethings forward for me.
I have been through a similar situation; I didn't move back in with them, but that's because I'm married to a woman who I've come to realize in recent years is uncannily like my recently deceased 93 year old mother, as far as NPD/BPD (co-morbid) goes. And my Dad is still alive at 94; once a week I take him to do his shopping and banking, hoping I can get through it without him making some disapproving comment about my weight or some aspect of my appearance. Lately he's toned that down because he knows that I'm one of the reasons why he's not in long term care. I've been in a 12 step programme for the last twenty years and done my share of therapy. One of the most important things I've learned is that if I'm going to save myself, I have to be compassionate with myself. It's not what they did or didn't do in their parenting that matters in my life NOW. What matters is my ability now to recognize the manifestations of that toxicity and use my OWN (higher) power to banish it so that I can be free to do what I truly believe is right for me. Self-doubt and people pleasing self-sacrifice need no longer shackle who I am. And most importantly, I can do this without resentment and anger, because I can accept and love all of me now, the good and the not-so-good. And I can extend that acceptance now to others, too, whether I'm related to them or not. None of this is simple or easy. It is, however, necessary for me to truly live MY life. I hope this can be of some help, and I wish you well.
After speculating my whole childhood i recently was able to do a diagnosis and found out that i am autistic. Yes! Reading our childhood actually gives us a clearer picture about our future. I am 25 ❤️
You can really tell when someone was raised by love from their thoughts and perceptions about themselves and others and life.
That’s actually not true. Some people go through a lot of therapy and self development to get to where they are as a person.
Error 404 : Childhood not found
Same bhaiya same😂
@@robertcliveattheback *Please contact customer service*
Hello Mr. Zuckerberg
Ok Michael jackson
😋👌
Oh man, I'm having therapy now. It's hard but its necessary, my happiness is on the other side just got to put in the work. Good luck to everyone else that's owning their s**t ❤
As a parent this give me anxiety.
Wayne Thompson MAJOR anxiety!!!
I always worry that I’m going to mess my kids up after being messed up by my parents. From therapy I’ve learnt that it’s best to be open with your kids. I apologise when I’m wrong. I explain that I may not always get things right but I’m trying and I want the best for them. I explain that it’s hard to be an adult and we don’t all have it together. I’ve learnt from my parents some things I definitely don’t/ want to do. But somethings I won’t know. Communication is definitely the key
Lisa Bailey ❤️ my daughters name is Bailey.
Your comment made me tear up. I feel like such a bad mom sometimes but for the same reason that I didn’t have such a great childhood. What your saying is so true! All we can do is our best and apologize when we are wrong!
Thank you for your comment. It helps tons! I’ll also be in therapy pretty soon!
Wayne Thompson unfortunately, it should
It’s silly to think life is easy....... even the simple things become complicated at one point in life
When you have parents who don't think that your childhood affects you adulthood :-/
Ify
Oblivious
Oof.
Even someone who was abused in childhood himself may not have known that his childhood affects his adulthood
Lost my mother at age 9 after long illness. My sister and I were bullied by older brothers, taking their grief out on us. We felt unloved and rarely understood by a father who expected only to be a provider. We lost him too in early adulthood. Don't think I ever made sense of that apart from a low self esteem and under achieving. He tried his very best, and was a good man.
I've been sorting through my childhood and reparenting myself. My mum did what she could but our relationship is so not healthy I believe I was infantilized
Reparenting is such a strong skill! Thanks for sharing.
How do you do it? Any resources you would recommend? Thank you
@@0000song0000 Gabor Maté, Brené Brown and Silvy Khoucasian (not sure on spelling) are excellent resources for me.
Try looking into narcissistic abuse. Your mum could have been a narc / psychopath.
Reparenting is the act of giving yourself all the things you may feel you were deprived as a child. It could be as simple as jumping in puddles, it's the process of healing that lil person who's still fragile in us makes us trigger happy...
Thank you all for your responses. NAMASTE 🔥
Me: I think I'd like to be a happy, well rounded, human being with healthy relationships.
My childhood: OK Boomer.
Here before 5k likes😂😂😂
😂
Good luck with that. Are you succeeding so far? Lol
Excellent goals!
Watch this blow up.
Geeesus, it’s taken me a lifetime to sift out my parents and why I am the way I am. The deeper I go the more I find and realize. It’s a goldmine of self truth. I’ve tried having this conversation with my parents and it is always shut down. My mother fears being looked at as a bad mother and makes up her own narrative to the past that makes her have no accountability. I have two narcissistic and emotionally immature parents. All we can do is try and be better. To not be afraid to look into the mirror that shows the ugly uncomfortable sides to ourselves. There is freedom in truth. Life is way to short to live otherwise.
Me: "it's your fault I'm messed up, you dropped me as a kid"
Mom: "hold on, I'm neurotic because my mother dropped me"
Grandma: "now now, I was also dropped"...
Some disappearing monkey or the other: "hold on, it's not my fault, I too was dropped as a child"
So where does it end? All I know is, the buck stops with you and me. Now that we all acknowledge we're messed up, we need to take responsibility for our lives or continue being miserable. There really isn't any other option - short of ending one's life and we all know we're not going there, or it would have been done by now.
TatTvamAsi nice meeting. Watts, the biggest ego trip is to get rid of your ego
"it's not your fault that you're fucked up. It's your fault if you stay fucked up." ~Jen Sincero
Your self-awareness gives you the chance to break the cycle. :)
This is why I once heard that "the issues you have are not yours, they are from your entire family, so when one person can go and heal and improve, he/she is helping the entire family to heal". :)
Make sure when you drop a child it stays dropped
-Michael Jackson
For everyone thinking they cant remember their childhood and are therefore incapable of seeing the patterns that have shaped them I suggest reading Toxic Parents by Craig Buck and Susasn Forward. I thought Id forgotten a lot, but reading the stories of people in that book made me remembet a LOT and connect the dots
Thank you for that.
i get depressed after every school of life video i watch
Seriously... Same here!
I am a relatively happy person, content with my life, a good mom to my kids, and doing okay in the work-family balance area.
My relationship with my parents is also OK... Not too close, nor too distant... Just ok.
I don't really blame for the way I am... Or maybe I don't remember.
What I do remember is a distant mother and an absent father. Honestly, that's it.
They were not abusive or anything, but I do remember emotionally distant parents.
In fact, when I got married, I felt much more at home in my husband's home, than my own!
But I don't really spend time thinking about how terrible my childhood was.
I guess watching a school of life video brings back all those repressed memories... That's why I end up feeling depressed.
But honestly, I don't want to feel this way.... To hell with my repressed memories.... If I am happy in the present, the past should not matter.
@@relentless3727 I face this question everyday: do I need to rewind those memories and sort them out or toss them and stay in the moment
That's life unfortunately
I'm sorry but i actually find them soothing, i come here everytime I'm facing crisis in life. I hope you find videos that resonates with you and feel better soon :)
I would argue that I led a comfortably good life... until my emotional baggage caught up to me, I went to a counsellor and all of my childhood and trauma broke loose and wreaks havoc in my life. Reopening old wounds will undoubtedly painful, but for me it is important to face my fear and rise. I hope things are going well for you.
This is so real because all my childhood I was always the one to pick myself back up. I teach myself more than school teach me.
Have never seen a more accurate video than this one explaining the importance of childhood experiences in shaping the adult personality and mental health issues in such simple and clear way. Great job!
I have fond childhood memories. My parents were a bit different from normal, as they're something like intellectual bohemian type. We were not rich but not poor. I never had to do any home work or work hard at schools because my parents never demanded or put pressures on me that I had to excel in anything. So I just played around most of the time. Which is perhaps why I don't take life too seriously. I have little ambition, I don't work hard, I'm not super rich but have good income. I'm now 60 with somewhat successful career, family and love life. Guess I'm quite lucky. Thank you mom and dad, miss you always.
If I could give just one 8 minute lesson to all of my patients in my therapy practice, it would be this one. This is so spot on. I argue that we as adults have both a responsibility and indeed an obligation to examine our childhood experiences to understand more fully how those experiences shaped us, both for the better and for the worse, and to then seek to make changes within ourselves so that we can ultimately become the adult that more closely approximates how we would have turned out as adults had we been provided all that we actually needed during our childhood years but did not get.
I always felt my place in the family was to make peace and be funny. I wanted everyone to be happy. I still want everyone to be happy.
People do their best. My childhood could have been better, my mom had some family issues which caused problems. I was loved though and taught values. I would give my parents an A for effort. They both had messed up childhoods and tried not to pass it on. Compared to their childhoods mine was perfect.
I recently learned about ACES - Adverse Childhood Experiences - and how they increase the likelihood of a wealth of bad things in someone's life the more they have. There are ten in total.
I also read the vast majority of population has one or less.
I have seven - and it is really hard for me to believe that most people have not experienced most all of what I have.
Dr Felitti (I think that's his name) deserves a sainthood for his work. On the one hand it is kind of shocking to learn that so many people will never understand the things that happen, but on the other, it is good to learn that some really do! The secrecy, shame and cultural taboos that keep these things out of polite conversation are a major contributing factor in how we are affected. Just knowing that people do survive and that they can go through those things helps us believe that we can too.
Is there a particular source you'd like to recommend?
Also, love you soooo much. From the other side of the world.
Just found out about it from you, so thanks ! I got a 7 too.
@@alexandrugheorghe5610 very long book, I started it a while ago and haven't finished it yet but it is good!
@@Super_BeastGirl it's 45 mins past midnight where I live. So i think i have a lot of time hehe lol
I think this analysis is somewhat shortsighted. Parents do mold our early experiences as does the society around us with all its race, gender, age, class, etc. expectations. We are constantly bombarded with these expectations- attempts to mold our self image and take on the larger world. This is why it is good for children to be sent out into the world for a public education. There they will be introduced to an enormous variety of people, attitudes, ideas, perceptions, ideologies, etc. Hopefully, if the education is done right, the child will then be able to select the ideas, perspectives, etc. that best suits who s/he wants to be/is. The hope of education is that it broadens a child’s knowledge of the world and the people in it so that options are more readily available. Teachers, friends, classmates, etc. all presented me with alternative ways of being, responding, and growing. For me, books especially were incredible teachers, showing me different norms, values, etc. In this way, children ARE constantly studying their own childhoods- what is normal, how they measure up, what they accept and reject. While I have great respect for homeschooling, when it is done well, I fear the majority of it is done to encase children in limitations- limit exposure to ideologies, perspectives, practices, etc. In these environments, children get little to no opportunity to see options, to make their own choices, to question what may not seem right to them. This lack of choice and insight can do incredible damage to them and their psyches. Maybe we could do a better job of having children more consciously evaluate their childhood experiences, but again, if the public education they are getting is done right, they are already doing this to a large extent.
Grow through your pain don't focus on it and let it eat you up be the opposite of what you don't like
I don't fully agree. I meet lots of people that blame their childhood for their present and although it might have an influence, the study of your current mind is more important in my opinion.
You cant have a solid roof ,if the foundation is rotten.
and I agree with you ,you cant blame everything on your childhood , but this should be your starting point
Bullcrap, study psychology and then you will realise how much your parents fucked you up. And if they didn't: good for you but not everybody has the luck of an idyllic childhood.
I agree with both. You are completely responsible for your present actions and the study of yourself right now is extremely important but that would also entail studying your childhood to get how and why you are the way you are. I say this from personal experience.
Studying one’s childhood helps in finding the origin of unhealthy emotions and behavior. Analyzing the childhood origins helps in mending ones mindset and behavior expeditiously without subconsciously slipping back into those unhealthy habits.
My Dad's depression rubbed off on me and getting bullied and fighting at school didn't help much. To this day, I've been trying to change and the depression has turned into raging anger.
My Mom babied me a little too much and that didn't help either. She was a control freak, resisting to change like spiking up my hair in 5th grade, for example. And I had low self confidence when talking to women cause I saw them as an authority figure, when they're NOT
Anger is a much more energetic emotion than depression so that is a good start. Can I suggest that you use that energy in a creative way? What is something that might make your life happier or healthier? e.g. joining a gym or learning to cook really healthy food or ... Transform your anger into a steady determination to make your life more interesting or enjoyable or satisfying in small but steady ways. Knock down the unhappiness and claim something good for yourself. If the first venture doesn't go very well, just have a go at something else. I wish you well.
@@tracesprite6078 yes
Yes it certainly is very useful. I would add that sometimes it is also necessary to delve into our parent's childhood in order to understand how they themselves were raised since it would have influenced our own childhood too. As a child/adolescent I would question my grand parents not only about my parents but also there's. It can take many years to put two and two together. Also I would strongly recommend reading"The road less travelled" by Scott Peck for those who truly seek to understand. It can be a terribly painful process to undergo but a healing one too.
So true
My childhood made me who i am today. At 4 my mom broke me with her abandonment, the following years i suffered physical and emotional abuse from my dad and his new wife. I learnt from this, not ever let someone hurt me again, and most importantly be happy on my own.
I am deeply grateful to Alain ... for trying explain us why are our lives the way the are ... I would honestly confess I am on the right path to understand mine at the age of 68 at least. Switzerland
After 5 years of being married, I’ve learned to know my husband through his parents. unfortunately no one is exempt from some type of childhood trauma and I often reflect on my own to seek ways to heal from it. It’s not an excuse to continue generational “curses” but at the same time it’s not healthy to ignore the root cause of our undesirable behaviors engrained in is from childhood.
I recommend a book called "Homecoming" by John Bradshaw. It gets much deeper into childhood traumas and also has a lot of exercises to help with introspection and most importantly, developing and building a relationship with yourself and your inner children. The work is long and hard but it is very rewarding and has massively changed my life.
Thank u
OMG, SANITY HE SPEAKS! I've spent my life on this subject: my childhood. (For which, I think I deserve a medal for having survived.) I'm 83 and still puzzled by it, still overwhelmed, and still working on it.
❤
I had the best parents in the world, truly, I was fortunate. Even on reflexion, I can't fault their parenting. They did everything they could to make me a happy child, and a good person.
And yet, I can still make some criticisms of some of their choices.
They had taught me never to hit anyone no matter what, even in defence (I should just report it to a teacher, or authority). This was terrible, as it made me appear weak to my peers, and my large imposing appearance didn't reflect my soft nature, and was an open invitation for Bullying at school. This was something I eventually had to fix myself much later in my development, when I reached puberty and realised not everything my parents taught me was correct.
Not only that, but they also really had trust in the education system, seeing their highly educated peers earning more than them, they believed all they had to do for me to live wealthily would be to go to university and study a technical degree like Engineering. But, (and this isn't directly their fault, just an unfortunate consequence of a new generation in a decaying Capitalism model), having a degree in this day and age is not special, and really I have just been streamlined into the same system as all of my exploited peers have been, where we actually earn comparatively less than our parents, yet are expected to deliver far higher quality and more specialised work.
They also taught me to be nice to everybody. Not just to be nice, but to NEVER be "bad" in any way, shape or form. This too, a bit like the bullying, has manifested itself in adulthood as over-agreeableness. When I am being taken advantage of, or exploited, I really do struggle to assert myself, as to disagree with someone is to let them down, to be "mean". Again, working against this is something I have developed later in life (as late as early adulthood), but it still is very difficult to assert myself, and goes against every natural feeling I have. But in this high-speed, selfish and highly competitive world, I have to do that.
So I guess the moral of the Story is, there is no "right" way to parent. No matter what is done, your established self will manifest in both good and bad ways. Of course, some parenting methods will be better than others, but even the best method will still have drawbacks.
I grew up with 2 very over controlling parents who never let me venture off on my own. Im now 39 and look back at all the time I have lost letting my parents control me! It sucks sooo bad
Again, The School of Life clearly articulates the primary cause of unhappiness as an adult. I get this, and I've lived it. I have also worked my butt off trying to remove the creases in my childhood fabric that I realize are making life more difficult than it needs to be. For anyone who reads this and has had a similar experience, a few thoughts..... first, if your battles are severe (e.g., prolonged depression) you will almost certainly need help in the form of counseling and/or medication. If you choose therapy, spend some time researching the subject to make sure you select an effective counselor. The importance of this step cannot be overstated. If you and your mental health provider believe that medication would be helpful, know that there's many options and you will almost certainly benefit once you are using an effective medication. I used medication for a few years for depression, but once I was able to use other means for relief I stopped the drugs. That was 10 years ago, and it was meditation that stopped the depression completely. I continue to use meditation, both guided meditation and solo meditation to make further progress in terms of "becoming whole". The progress has been very slow and incremental, but measurable improvements in mood, attitude, and relationships have definitely taken place. I only wish there were a faster way to iron out all the wrinkles and have a more normal life with more ordinary problems. Perhaps intensive therapy would have accelerated the progress, but my track record with counselors is about one good shrink for every 10 I have tried. I feel like the meditation will eventually get me to where I want to be, but again, it's an extremely slow process. Someday, I am sure people will have tools for resolving serious childhood issues, but for now I think it's realistic to believe there's considerable time and effort needed. However, if a person can succeed, they will be rewarded with much more pleasant days and better relationships so it's worth the effort, no doubt. Best wishes to all.
I'm so grateful for your channel! It has helped me a lot and I feel that my feelings and experiences are validated and that's so helpful to me coming from an alcoholic/dysfunctional family. Thank you!
Check out Academy of Ideas for even more depth.
@@vibes3626 I was just about to say the same!
Coleen gurl, I'm grateful for you.
My childhood was shit and you want me to relive it? I guess it's big brain time.
Youre not suppose to relive it , he wants you to retrospect everything that went wrong and not repeat them.
It's the only way to move forward tbh. Better than being in denial.
@roma kitchen well... I did say it's big brain time.
@@karsim83 How can you even begin retrospection without reliving the past? In this particular case, the latter is a prerequisite to the former. You literally cannot begin meditating on the past without reliving the past.
@@bulletfastspeed hey, don't knock it til you try it.
This is so trippy bc it’s like looking at myself deeper than ever before, I can’t really put into words how this makes me feel but its giving me a lot of clarity.
This is one of endless reasons we need something greater than ourselves.
IDK why but watching the school of life makes me feel smart. (although I am not)
Self knowledge is a sign youre smart ;)
@@cassac250 thanks mate, that makes me feel a lot better about myself
Do take a note of this btw ruclips.net/video/V-UvSKe8jW4/видео.html somehow I'm bit hesitant to just randomly watch this video and forget about it afterwards
The very fact you're here indicates higher intelligence.
No one is smart. Everyone knows different things. The fact that you are watching this means you have curiosity for psychology and possible philosophy, and you are learning, thus gaining knowledge and becoming smarter in those subjects. And imo, those are awesome things to get knowledgeable about
To everyone: Read Alice Miller's work, especially The Drama of the Gifted Child and The Body Never Lies
. These books have radically changed how I think about my childhood!
Hi Dan I have all of Alice Miller's books for a few years now someday I will finish reading them they are slow going they send me off into reveries
Yes, great stuff ,my shrink directed me to the Drama of the Gifted child , gave me some painful insight
I have watched this video repeatedly now. It is extremely insightful. I will incorporate its basic teachings with my educational experiences with children, in hopes that they can feel more aware as they grow up.
I went through so much trauma as a kid, like one event after another after another, etc. and never processed it, just built up a barrier so I couldn’t be hurt again. For 3-6 years I was a depressed, furious kid, and I took it out on my brother and family. Like not just yelling but like Intense screaming at them like top of my lungs and saying really hurtful stuff just because I was hurt, and didn’t know how to express it. I ruined my relationship with my family because of it. I was hurt again and again and again. Over and over in such a short time period without expressing it, that I bottle it up and slowly let it seep out on them. I couldn’t even tell myself I was hurting, I’d just hurt them and go back to my room and yell at video games. I’m happy this channels here, in a way it helps me process the trauma. Thank you ❤️
My parents weren't exactly perfect, but my home life was fine. Where things came undone for me was school. It was seriously traumatising. Forcing kids to spend most of their childhood in the midst of hundreds of other confused kids competing for attention and acceptance is child abuse. And that is not my parents fault.
This is exactly what I think of schools too. Emotional abuse at best.
Naw buddy school is good for kids you are just a snowflake that couldnt handle life
@@prickowens9341 meganmeierfoundation.org/Yeah you are thinking in black and white. There is a large difference between light bullying and making you grow stronger, and overwhelming trauma too much for a developing mind. "Youth who are bullied are at increased risk for depression, anxiety, sleep difficulties, lower academic achievement, and dropping out of school" Snowflake, really? Using that word shows a lack of experience in life man.
Going to school while being a bit different from the average child you find yourself encountering a few to many budding sociopaths. My home life was almost perfect but school was a different matter.
school can be a very good place to learn life, with lessons on avoiding baing manipulated, self-control and restraint, abiding rules, dealing with problematic people etc. It also strongly depends on how those problems are interpreted and dealt with.
But for it to be a success, a child needs a mentor figure who will help with problems and answer questions properly.
And the thing is, many adults who actually provide advice harbor resentments, subconcious fears and hates, and will skew this advice in their favor, not being objective.
The most important thing is, that those problems will arise, need to be dealt with, and based on previously gained experiences, will require less and less input from the mentor for the pupil to solve, which is the goal - independence via a healthy rule-set.
A child left alone in a hostile environment as many schools represent, will likely not develop properly and gain traits and behaviours that are detrimental.
in a sortof reverse cycle: i think it can also help if we try to understand the childhoods that our parents themselves had.
From my experience, it really helps to study a childhood to grow mentally. Watching this for me is like reading the book I know.
Ever since I was a young child, I grew up with books and the internet. They taught me more than my parents who were working to get their life fulfilled. I don't think they're honestly bad, especially knowing their parents would've been worse for them, they made all of us grow happier and with support. But I think because of their unavoidable absense made me forget that I have a parental figure, making me grow up on my own, solve things on my own and not relying to anyone. I just turned 16 yesterday, and I think I grew too mature than I should've- than what others have. I'd say it as a good thing, but it's unfortunate that also because of growing up too fast means you don't get to be a child as much.
I always wish my mother would watch these psychology videos especially about childhood, because i think even now she's 55, still very unaware of everything a normal middle aged woman should. she grew up in an environment where beating kids is the right way to discipline, and grew up to be emotionally sacrificial/repressed, maybe that's why she is a short tempered narcissist mother. i also grew up with her beating . at age 25, i learned i had all the symptoms of social anxiety disorder as a teenager - the anxiety that i've been trying to overcome on my own in my early 20s without knowing much about it except just simply having anxiety attacks (sweating and difficulty in breathing) even on eating in front of people or facing 5 people in a group.
... some adults are becoming children beacause of not having the childhood they deserved. as i try to understand my childhood, i get to understand myself, i also get to understand my mother and her childhood as well. i'm doing a reflection of her life why and how she became who she is so i can do better with my own
Growing up being manipulated by my father, he taught me to lie to my mother and fake my cries just so my mom could send him money. I was around 5 or 6 that time. Starting from that day, I had trouble trusting people because my mentality was if I couldn’t trust my father, how could I trust other people? He is clearly not a good father figure, but thank God we got some father figures now in the internet like Jordan Peterson. I know some people don’t like him but he’s kind of grounded and that’s the role I’m looking for. I also started learning about stoicism and start applying its lessons and values to my life. I wrote down what I will tolerate and not tolerate from other people and started speaking up for myself. I’ve forgiven him. I realized that there’s no such thing as moving on, but there is a thing called letting go. For me, moving on is trying to forcefully forget the past or what might have happened. But then I believe that what your resist, persists. So I started doing meditation too and learn the art of letting go. The way I see letting go is embracing what happened in the past, and not letting it dictate who you’re going to be. I keep telling myself that I can’t do anything about it anymore and it’s not my fault that I’m damaged now, and just focus on how can I become a good father to my children soon, a good husband to my beautiful wife, a good man who serves and gives to community, an independent, accountable, and reliable man for myself.
I might still be going to school but I draw what kind of future I want already. Let’s get this fellas!!!!!
For a better understanding of yourself please visit: ruclips.net/user/results?search_query=alba+weinman
I used to think that I had a perfect childhood and that my parents were the best, but after watching this video ...
... I still think that! Good job Mom and Dad!
How about providing a means to a solution, a way for us to deal with and transform our childhood experience into a healthy wholesome functioning adult? This was so gloom and doom. Is there a course to take how childhood has shaped us, heal or fix it as adults and turn it all into a healthy success? Especially today, NOT very many people can afford a psychologist, and missing work to go to sessions.
Jerry Wise on RUclips has much more helpful videos than this. Any therapist or coach coming from a Bowen Family Systems Theory approach would. The idea is to resolve your issues in the present, not endlessly examine where they came from. I haven’t read it myself but I hear the book Growing Yourself Up by Jenny Brown is good for that, too. Weirdly enough, the book Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch is excellent for working on your self IMO. Also, wether it necessarily fits your situation or not, Adult Children of Alcoholics materials can be really good.
There are some very good books e.g. Steve Biddulph's books "The New Manhood" and "Raising Boys." Also these days, psychologists don't emphasize childhood so much. They urge people to set up a support system of good habits e.g. healthy food, healthy exercise, some meditation, getting enough sleep, spending time with good-natured friends, finding some satisfying work, choosing a meaning that you want to give to your life, having some time to yourself, having fun, doing something creative. The combination of those things often helps to heal you and calm you so you can live your best life. You can't do all those things well all the time but you can aim in that direction and it really helps.
How many of us learned much of what we didn't want to become from our parents? I learned by 10 years old that both parents were just regular, flawed people doing the best they could do. Because their flaws were much more noticeable to me I vowed to avoid taking on those negative traits. It was later, as I experienced the world as an adult, when I came to understand just how uncommon their positive traits were in the general population.
The sense of normalcy in an parent-child relationship resonates so strongly. I adored my mother and constantly vied for her favour in order for her to demonstrate some form of conditional affection because I thought that was normal. I constantly thought I owed her something to purchase her love but it was never forthcoming. I thought this was normal. But after seeing other mothers, both of friends and even in lived-in accommodation, I realised my own experience was the corrupted one.
Understand and move on. Don’t get stuck with self pitying.