For longer videos with more details on this topic, check out my previous videos here: 1. ruclips.net/user/livezI-K93xLW_U?si=LCk3xCLniFHV8w8O 2. ruclips.net/video/xNcROEjGcJk/видео.htmlsi=mf6HfSwS3xhCrWvu
I was raised to accept the family narrative -- what the head narcissist says, goes. Each person has a family role, and better play it. As I developed a self independent of the family narrative, and I expressed myself, I was abused, hated, and scapegoated. I had to face that there was no room for me in my family. Any contact after that time resulted in more abuse, which just made it more clear that no contact is the only way.
Im on the same boat. I went no contact a month ago. I sent a peaceful letter letting everyone know how they’ve made me feel and that I needed the space now to work on my mental health. I’m considering making it permanent because these people never liked me, so what’s the point of going back to this nest of narcissist?!
i have exactly the same experience. and i gave my narc family so many chances again, forgiving them everytime again... and one or two times they 'act' nice, (now i finally understand that that is to hoover me in again) and than they start their dirty game again and bullying, damaging, hurting, etc me to great extents.
No-contact is IMO a last resort you turn to when all other avenues have been maxed out. You can’t make a relationship work when it’s based in abuse, gaslighting, and lies. You wouldn’t tell someone in an abusive relationship to stay so why stay in an abusive family relationship when there is no way to work it out not matter how hard you’ve tried? No contact isn’t just a silly thing you decided on because you want to be free. You decided on it because the alternative was literally ruining your life.
My family has intentionally and purposefully left me out of their lives! I have done nothing to anyone but I am the black sheep! They have their family and I am single and loving it! It’s been hurtful but I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you even if it is your family!!!!!
Allowing yourself to be on the receiving end of decades of systematic, targeted abuse by family members who are dealing with substance abuse and personality disorders has been a life-long recipe for disaster. Wanting healthy relationships with healthy people left me with no choice but to end contact with the folks who are not capable of growth. There is no such thing as "going back" because the core issues don't fix themselves. It's not a snap decision, but years in the making. Thank you for posting all the helpful content and bringing to light the fact that we can make better choices for our lives. We are not stuck with all the crap cards we were delt. ❤
I did a callback Saturday on an unknown phone number. My mother answered, she sounded nice, and I hung up on her. Sunday was my birthday. I blocked that number too. Last birthday, she wished me, Happy Birthday RIP. I'm contemplating on filing a police report for all of the trauma and harassment. Thank you Tamara for another great video.
@@AdamantlyAdams I agree. I have hung up many times. They also use false profiles to stalk me. I block them all. Good idea to consider further steps if they don't stop.
Hello Dr.Tamara and chat. Thank you for sharing your feedback and expertise. I had a heart attack at 34 years old. Stress from dysfunctional family and overbearing. Narc mother I believe played a role for me.
You're welcome and thank you for watching tonight. I'm so very sorry to hear this happened to you. Stress is likely the cause of that for sure. You have to protect your mind and your heart, literally, and it sounds like that's what you had to do. Hopefully you have found some solace on this journey.
Thank YOU. For me, going no contact is for repeat offenders; so it's not something I take lightly. Years ago, I received a distinct warning dream about a relative that proved true. I do NOT regret cutting off those ties, and more will be added. Spiritual therapy is definitely en route.
There was an awful New York Times article ridiculing both a serious therapist who uses the Family System system to teach patients to process trauma and make self-preservation decisions which includes going no-contact, the article cherry-picked arguments and selectively portrayed arguments for the No Contact decision as infantile and absurd. A very tone deaf and victim-blaming, abuse condoning article. From my experience it’s never a sudden decision as older generations like to claim.
Yup. It kind of came to a head today matter of fact, because we had a conversation with a particular person who confirmed our suspicions about another individual, with more evidence of TANTRUMS there was no denying it. We had an adult baby on our hands. And so we were relieved in a sense. In other news we kind of came to the realization that the difficult member, who was SMEARING doesn’t have green grass on her side. So.... 😎🧠🙏💯that was vindicating. Just the idea that others were finding her difficult, disagreeable, even sneaky.” Covert narcissism in my estimation. I’m remaining stoic. I’m just still.” ☺️👍💯
I love them but no longer want to sup w Them The holiday dinners are coming and I’m starting to feel I’ll just thinking of it Enmeshment is real and alive and dangerous in families
I understand that pain. I empathize with you. Hopefully mu upcoming chats will prepare you a bit. Stay tuned. I pray you have strength as you move ahead.
Because I can never get my time back with my son and because everyone sat around and said/did nothing, but have no hesitation telling me what I should do.
@@briand3420 I am going theu this too, and feel the same way. They have not let me see nor talk to my boys at all for over 3 years! They wanted me to die, but I'm still here. It has taken a lot to remain, I am sorry you are suffering also.
I was the family scapegoat. I had to be responsible for my parent's junk and behavior. I was tired of the drama and lack of accountability. I finally went no-contact when they would not take accountability for the negligence of my baby sister, who came to me on the verge of suicide.... My life has been drama free, although it means having to limit contact with all my sisters because they still want a bond of some form with our parents.
I'm sorry you had to experience this. Not an easy place to be in. Sounds like you found some peace on this journey. It's sad when it has to be without family.
Thank you, Dr. Tamara. You are never NOT helpful to any of our personal journeys. I understand that partial engagement a lot better now. It has done MAJOR improvement to my intuition. I watch very closely for patterns of behavior, contradictions, etc...all aspects I was naive/ignorant to for years via my obsession with people-pleasing and trying to fit in.
I'm sure. Sometimes that's the only way to go about this, sadly. No one wants to have to go no-contact and most people certainly do not want to say where they are going or when. So I I understand this mindset! My previous clients have done the same.
Ooooh great topic can’t wait. Mad I missed. Once God told me it’s unhealthy dynamics I pulled away to heal first so I can be better for my children. I had a near perfect upbringing but therapy showed me nope lol. It makes me do my own work and no longer let others define or disrespect me. I am happy in who I am and who God created me to be. I’m not flowing in negativity and evil and I know it won’t be no contact forever. As I do my work and get stronger I am now able to engage and if it is unacceptable I can always exit and I keep my peace. It saddens me at times to know I am in scapegoat mode and I can choose not to participate. I have nephew and nieces stop talking to me out the blue and made me realize my family has been talking about me and all I did was choose not to participate in a lot of family functions that make me feel any type of way. It’s sad but it will be their loss. God has given me peace that whoever comes or goes does not hinder me.
I’ve already done that with the exception of my brother who is almost 80 years old. He’s not the easiest to be around however he needs help moving right now and his own family won’t help him. I feel I’m the youngest and strongest to do this for him. His father died of Alzheimer’s disease and I can tell that he doesn’t think rationally. I understand he has his own life style so at least he’s moving where he feels comfortable and I’m living where I’m comfortable. As for other members of the family I would rather just stay away anyway. My mother was the black sheep and unfortunately for me I was given the title of scapegoat, if you take away what others want to view as the problem then those individuals just have to move in a different direction. That also works when dealing with bullies and narcissists, however the narc will still be curious about what their target is up to as these are very sick people. Eventually they move on to torment and torture someone other innocent person or they turn on their flying monkeys and gang stalkers. From what I’ve experienced these types are never ending because they have to elude responsibility for their actions. I’m happy to be living alone now.
abuse. no respect and feeling only bad when meeting her. tried to talk to mom she refused to se anything wrong. but as mom relied on me as her psychologist she spiraled in to depression and took her own life 2 years after
Hi Tamara Thanks again i can relate to what your saying on this work your sharing. Yeah i prefer no contact with the narcissistic collective trolling the network. Thanks to my late Mom always for setting the path back to ancestral land etc. My immediate family are buzzing on me being the oldest i witnessed many things comin’ up as a child & experienced abuse that were just flash backs in my memory, colonialism being the main boss of all the troubles in this urban journey. 👁️🕳️⚫️🌍🌎🌏👽☠️✨🐰
For longer videos with more details on this topic, check out my previous videos here:
1. ruclips.net/user/livezI-K93xLW_U?si=LCk3xCLniFHV8w8O
2. ruclips.net/video/xNcROEjGcJk/видео.htmlsi=mf6HfSwS3xhCrWvu
Here's To Being Authentically Safer
I absolutely LOVE this!
If someone is malevolent, mommy, aunty, men, co-workers, I’m out. Took me more than 50 years to learn the lesson.
💯
That's right...don't waste another second or shell out any benefit of the doubt vouchers.
Took me about 30+, I feel you. Happy you got there👏👏👏
Exactly.
I was raised to accept the family narrative -- what the head narcissist says, goes. Each person has a family role, and better play it. As I developed a self independent of the family narrative, and I expressed myself, I was abused, hated, and scapegoated. I had to face that there was no room for me in my family. Any contact after that time resulted in more abuse, which just made it more clear that no contact is the only way.
I hate that you went through that.
Hugs💚💚💚 I hope your personal world is bliss now.
Im on the same boat. I went no contact a month ago. I sent a peaceful letter letting everyone know how they’ve made me feel and that I needed the space now to work on my mental health. I’m considering making it permanent because these people never liked me, so what’s the point of going back to this nest of narcissist?!
i have exactly the same experience. and i gave my narc family so many chances again, forgiving them everytime again... and one or two times they 'act' nice, (now i finally understand that that is to hoover me in again) and than they start their dirty game again and bullying, damaging, hurting, etc me to great extents.
You don’t break off contact to teach a lesson; you break off contact because you’ve learned yours.
THIS!!!!!!👏👏👏👏👏
🎉so goood
💥💥💥💥
Spot on! 💯
💯 I appreciate you for me mentioning this.
No-contact is IMO a last resort you turn to when all other avenues have been maxed out. You can’t make a relationship work when it’s based in abuse, gaslighting, and lies. You wouldn’t tell someone in an abusive relationship to stay so why stay in an abusive family relationship when there is no way to work it out not matter how hard you’ve tried? No contact isn’t just a silly thing you decided on because you want to be free. You decided on it because the alternative was literally ruining your life.
Well said!
❤
My family has intentionally and purposefully left me out of their lives!
I have done nothing to anyone but I am the black sheep! They have their family and I am single and loving it! It’s been hurtful but I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you even if it is your family!!!!!
I'm sorry 😞 No one wants to separate from family but it's sometimes best for everyone.
@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you Tamara! I don’t like it! I love love and family! I feel that I am dead to them!
@@tamarajordan485 I totally get that. That's difficult.
Allowing yourself to be on the receiving end of decades of systematic, targeted abuse by family members who are dealing with substance abuse and personality disorders has been a life-long recipe for disaster. Wanting healthy relationships with healthy people left me with no choice but to end contact with the folks who are not capable of growth. There is no such thing as "going back" because the core issues don't fix themselves. It's not a snap decision, but years in the making. Thank you for posting all the helpful content and bringing to light the fact that we can make better choices for our lives. We are not stuck with all the crap cards we were delt. ❤
To be free to be myself. To break the cycle for my daughter and future children
@@jadeshaw3621 *Respect
@@fairygurl9269 not an easy task or action taken lightly. But… if the outcome of daughters depends on happiness of mother’s. I had to move x
This!
I did a callback Saturday on an unknown phone number. My mother answered, she sounded nice, and I hung up on her. Sunday was my birthday. I blocked that number too. Last birthday, she wished me, Happy Birthday RIP. I'm contemplating on filing a police report for all of the trauma and harassment. Thank you Tamara for another great video.
@@AdamantlyAdams I agree. I have hung up many times. They also use false profiles to stalk me. I block them all. Good idea to consider further steps if they don't stop.
Hello Dr.Tamara and chat. Thank you for sharing your feedback and expertise. I had a heart attack at 34 years old. Stress from dysfunctional family and overbearing. Narc mother I believe played a role for me.
You're welcome and thank you for watching tonight.
I'm so very sorry to hear this happened to you. Stress is likely the cause of that for sure. You have to protect your mind and your heart, literally, and it sounds like that's what you had to do. Hopefully you have found some solace on this journey.
This message is so timely… Thank you so much for your insight & advice.
You're welcome!! Good to know. Glad this was personally helpful.
Thank YOU. For me, going no contact is for repeat offenders; so it's not something I take lightly. Years ago, I received a distinct warning dream about a relative that proved true. I do NOT regret cutting off those ties, and more will be added. Spiritual therapy is definitely en route.
Meanwhile Gen X was taught to allow severe abuse and put up with it because we are "Family"...
Good point. I agree!
That’s why they are confused as to why I had the courage to leave. It’s been four years. I broke that cycle
Be careful with those safety pins WE NEED YOU AROUND 💯💯🌈
🤭🤗🤣 I really need to pay better attention!
You are So cute and real. ❤
Self preservation
Yes. Absolutely.
Bingo
Always a good listen. Thank you for raising human consciousness & awareness. The little ones need to know asap.
Thank you! And I'm so glad this is helpful. You're welcome!
Because I love myself to the utmost. And I won’t be around anyone who wants to harm me in any way, form or fashion. That includes relatives. 💯
Safety
yes, so very true.
Happy Monday!
Monday's are rough! Thank you for the positivity. Happy Monday to you too.
I am 68.In my time child abuse was barely recognized.Now it turns out what we experienced was horrid.Bye bye Monsters.Hello gentle friends.
Good evening, I would say toxicity is the main reason for going no contact for me.
Absolutely. Agree. The article and research links in the description box conclude the same thing.
And we don't need anyone's stamp of approval or permission to protect our hearts.
😊♥️❤️🙏
Great advice. Thank you
Glad it was helpful! You're welcome!
There was an awful New York Times article ridiculing both a serious therapist who uses the Family System system to teach patients to process trauma and make self-preservation decisions which includes going no-contact, the article cherry-picked arguments and selectively portrayed arguments for the No Contact decision as infantile and absurd. A very tone deaf and victim-blaming, abuse condoning article.
From my experience it’s never a sudden decision as older generations like to claim.
Yup. It kind of came to a head today matter of fact, because we had a conversation with a particular person who confirmed our suspicions about another individual, with more evidence of TANTRUMS there was no denying it. We had an adult baby on our hands. And so we were relieved in a sense. In other news we kind of came to the realization that the difficult member, who was SMEARING doesn’t have green grass on her side. So.... 😎🧠🙏💯that was vindicating. Just the idea that others were finding her difficult, disagreeable, even sneaky.” Covert narcissism in my estimation. I’m remaining stoic. I’m just still.” ☺️👍💯
Sounds like a stressful situation that is being revealed a little at a time.
@@TherapistTamaraHill my partner is being scapegoated, and smeared covertly. 💯
I love them but no longer want to sup w Them
The holiday dinners are coming and I’m starting to feel I’ll just thinking of it
Enmeshment is real and alive and dangerous in families
I understand that pain. I empathize with you. Hopefully mu upcoming chats will prepare you a bit. Stay tuned. I pray you have strength as you move ahead.
Why is it one extreme to the next with these situations?
Because I can never get my time back with my son and because everyone sat around and said/did nothing, but have no hesitation telling me what I should do.
@@briand3420 I am going theu this too, and feel the same way. They have not let me see nor talk to my boys at all for over 3 years! They wanted me to die, but I'm still here. It has taken a lot to remain, I am sorry you are suffering also.
I was the family scapegoat. I had to be responsible for my parent's junk and behavior. I was tired of the drama and lack of accountability. I finally went no-contact when they would not take accountability for the negligence of my baby sister, who came to me on the verge of suicide.... My life has been drama free, although it means having to limit contact with all my sisters because they still want a bond of some form with our parents.
I'm sorry you had to experience this. Not an easy place to be in. Sounds like you found some peace on this journey. It's sad when it has to be without family.
They will never let it go…
Thank you for this message.🌹. It resonates. 💯
You are so welcome!
Much needed. Thank you Tam.
You're welcome!
Great video! ❤
Thank you!!
Thank you, Dr. Tamara. You are never NOT helpful to any of our personal journeys.
I understand that partial engagement a lot better now. It has done MAJOR improvement to my intuition. I watch very closely for patterns of behavior, contradictions, etc...all aspects I was naive/ignorant to for years via my obsession with people-pleasing and trying to fit in.
You're welcome! And thank you for that.
I'm glad this is working for you. Sometimes it does and that's a wonderful thing!
When I went no contact, I did not tell anybody and they were the best years of my life
I'm sure. Sometimes that's the only way to go about this, sadly. No one wants to have to go no-contact and most people certainly do not want to say where they are going or when. So I I understand this mindset! My previous clients have done the same.
Ooooh great topic can’t wait. Mad I missed. Once God told me it’s unhealthy dynamics I pulled away to heal first so I can be better for my children. I had a near perfect upbringing but therapy showed me nope lol. It makes me do my own work and no longer let others define or disrespect me. I am happy in who I am and who God created me to be. I’m not flowing in negativity and evil and I know it won’t be no contact forever. As I do my work and get stronger I am now able to engage and if it is unacceptable I can always exit and I keep my peace. It saddens me at times to know I am in scapegoat mode and I can choose not to participate. I have nephew and nieces stop talking to me out the blue and made me realize my family has been talking about me and all I did was choose not to participate in a lot of family functions that make me feel any type of way. It’s sad but it will be their loss. God has given me peace that whoever comes or goes does not hinder me.
I’ve already done that with the exception of my brother who is almost 80 years old. He’s not the easiest to be around however he needs help moving right now and his own family won’t help him. I feel I’m the youngest and strongest to do this for him. His father died of Alzheimer’s disease and I can tell that he doesn’t think rationally. I understand he has his own life style so at least he’s moving where he feels comfortable and I’m living where I’m comfortable. As for other members of the family I would rather just stay away anyway. My mother was the black sheep and unfortunately for me I was given the title of scapegoat, if you take away what others want to view as the problem then those individuals just have to move in a different direction. That also works when dealing with bullies and narcissists, however the narc will still be curious about what their target is up to as these are very sick people. Eventually they move on to torment and torture someone other innocent person or they turn on their flying monkeys and gang stalkers. From what I’ve experienced these types are never ending because they have to elude responsibility for their actions. I’m happy to be living alone now.
abuse. no respect and feeling only bad when meeting her. tried to talk to mom she refused to se anything wrong. but as mom relied on me as her psychologist she spiraled in to depression and took her own life 2 years after
Thank you🙏🙏
You're welcome 😊
Thank you🙏🙏
You're welcome 😊
Abuse/drama
Thank you 🙏
You’re welcome 😊
Hi Tamara
Thanks again i can relate to what your saying on this work your sharing.
Yeah i prefer no contact with the narcissistic collective trolling the network.
Thanks to my late Mom always for setting the path back to ancestral land etc.
My immediate family are buzzing on me being the oldest i witnessed many things comin’ up as a child & experienced abuse that were just flash backs in my memory, colonialism being the main boss of all the troubles in this urban journey.
👁️🕳️⚫️🌍🌎🌏👽☠️✨🐰
You're welcome!!
It sounds like you are on a journey toward more peace. This life is hard and family should not be where we experience the hardships.