Can Violent Men Change? | Domestic Violence Documentary | Absolute Documentaries
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- Опубликовано: 28 авг 2024
- Can violent men change? Is an absolute documentary that takes its audience on a delicate story based around domestic violence. For some fathers, their fists are their weapons. For others, words and manipulation are most potent, used as part of a sustained pattern of intimidation, threats, and abuse intended to isolate, diminish and control the people they love. Now, these men are seeking change. They have come together to talk, share information, challenge, and support each other to be better men, partners, and fathers to their children.
The group’s founder and facilitator David Nugent believes that women and children have the right to live their lives free from violence and that men can change if they have the will and opportunity to do so. He challenges men to take ownership of their abusive and violent behaviors and shows them that they can make different choices, and in doing so, can stop the cycle of violence.
Together the participants in David’s program are reaching for the courage and knowledge they need to be good partners and good fathers. These men have taken the brave and difficult decision to confront their behaviors and histories head-on. These Dads are fighting to change the story for the next generation. Can these men really change?
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Amazing how none of these abusers ever punch a man who is bigger or stronger than them 🤬
And when the pizza arrives at the door they suddenly "regain" control--until the pizza deliverer leaves.
Never
@@stregaliliththat's a dam good point...they just act when nessasery and give in to urges the rest of the time.
So true
Oh, but they do. They fight with anyone and everyone. Get fired from jobs, get thrown in jail, get hospitalized for broken jaws, broken ribs...
A guy I dated once convinced me HE was the VICTIM after 2 charges of DV. He then started to blame me when things were going wrong - "You pushed my buttons," classic last words
Same experience here. He's telling everyone that he's the victim of abuse. That he survived a toxic relationship. That I lied. Both him and I know he was the one standing on my throat choking me unconscious holding our toddler in his arms saying "wave bye bye to Mommy" as I went unconscious. I can't understand the mental gymnastics it takes to justify what he did to me. He went to therapy even and randomly contacted me to tell me that his therapist told him I was the toxic one. That I abused him then proceeded to verbally abuse me, belittle my current accomplishments along with my past accomplishments telling me that I'll never find a 🍆 as good as him and never be anything or accomplish anything in life. 🤔 but he's not the abuser... Right. 🤔
why did it take 2 charges ??
doubt it
We hear this every day in therapist's offices, law offices and in families. "She pushed my buttons". "I lost control". No. Read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. He explains it all from decades of experience treating these men, hearing their side and helping those who really want to, to heal.
You're a victim blamer miss
The rate of abusers who kill is higher than ones who change . Please please leave
This!!!!!!
they wont change it is psychopathy embedded in their brains
Cite your sources…
66% of those in d.i.p.p. Recover
@@AlvinEugene11 no
I'm a domestic violence survior. They might change but I would never take the chance because people, especially women and children, could actually die and what would the abuser say? Sorry means nothing in my book. Please leave him while you love him and wish him well.
No your not
Abusers CAN change. The problem is the vast majority DON'T change.
They don’t want to change,they enjoy what they’re doing. It’s a way for a psychological coward to vent their frustration on somebody who is a weaker target.
@@Ishtanara very true and even more so for those who use 'I was drunk' as an excuse. Truth is, those who abuse when drunk do so because they enjoy it. In the same way that some drink to get rid of inhibitions that stop them dancing or chatting in a group (things they can enjoy if drunk), abusers drink to lower social inhibitions and allow themselves to abuse - because on some level they get a kick out of it.
@@keyfeatures wow I've never heard it explained like this! But this is soooo damn true!!!
@Ardwick-Crome what you are saying implies that abusers have no choice in their behaviour, in that they can't change. That ultimately lets abusers off the hook because it suggests they have no control over who they are and how they behave. The point is they can change, it's just that the vast majority choose not to because the abuse rewards them on some level.
@@keyfeatures Just like a child is incapable of using critical thinking skills. Abuser lack the ability to turn off ego, be humble and be accountable. The bottom line is there is no power on earth strong enough to make an abuser look at their victim as a human being deserving of autonomy with inherent value equal to their own. They abuse because they believe that is their right as the "superior". Telling people they can change give false hope to victims
These guys don't really like women, they should just admit that. They need to stay single and do all women a favor.
They don't like us, but they need us for many reasons. And that makes them resent us even more.
@@djlivvy46life’s unfair as both men and women realise, sometimes when it’s too late
Do not go back to these men THEY DO NOT CHANGE!
"I can change him"
Final last words
If these men loved their families, they would go away and never come back and send money for the kids. It is selfish to want something you don't deserve. It is selfish to stay and waste the womens' lives.
Abusers are selfish. Love is not abuse. They wouldn’t abuse them in the first place. Ie all those that were abused, you love your partner and yet never abused them
But they don't. You don't love someone you don't respect and you don't abuse someone you respect.
😊@@lucyjones9678😊
Listen to the signs. Take them VERY VERY seriously. DO NOT ignore them.
Why are they laughing
They laughing about giving a woman black eyes sick!
My partner, EX, was joking with his brother about his bother punching his girlfriend. I realsied then that I had to stand up tp him and not be petrified o him anymore. these men have no respect for thier women- ever.
My mum would wear her sunglasses in the house.
Yeah, it's sick. And they are so pervasively focused on themselves I see little chance for change.
Sickos
I get the feeling that these men cry for themselves, the loss of their children, friends, family and jobs..... but never their wives. Strange that, isn’t it?
They don't see women as people, as equals, with same wants, needs, feelings, vulnerabilities. We are just accessories to them, tools to be used to achieve a result they desire.
They very rarely change. So either stay if youre willing to accept a life of abuse and outbursts, eventually being fatally injured by it, or leave, and make your life your own way.
How can someone live with themselves after terrorizing someone like this?
They justify it to themselves because they believe they have a right to treat women as objects who serve them and they think they have the right to punish women who don't want to be with them or don't give them what they think they're entitled to.
Sounds like incels. No empathy.
They watch all of society blame women for what men do, their entire lives. This is taught from birth, to all of us.
@@harmonyvaneaton4101 we must seize the narrative and tell our truth
They sleep like a baby
Sad that people have to be taught how to be a decent human.
Yes it is.these men that are abusive just don't care about the woman they are supposed to love and be good to.
If they had Life skills classes starting in pre K until graduation I think the world would be a different place. Not every person gets them at home. But, hey let's learn what a+b= Prison
They know how to be decent. They don’t abuse everyone in their lives ie strangers or at work etc. they choose to abuse
@@lucyjones9678 some do have violence outside of the home, and they will find jobs that accept their lack of self regulation control.
Most have enough presence of mind in all other areas of life besides whom they choose to be abusive to, which is who they must use coercion to keep quiet, keep Their secret from everyone else because no matter how much they justify, they know it is wrong to everyone they're hiding from.
@@MajICReiki yes agreed. Especially their family they grew up with. It’s all about charm, manipulation and control.
I left an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship 2 years ago. He moved on and apparently nothing has changed on his end - he is still a blamer and holds no responsibility - it’s always everyone else. Never accountable. The signs were always there, he was the same with work colleagues and even some of his friends. As a victim I have been working on myself to help in my recovery (a work in progress) yet sadly he remains in this ongoing cycle with his next partner unknowingly waiting in the wings.
Can women who always date violent men (often women who date men who are only violent with them HMMM) Ever change?
@@danquaylesitsspeltpotatoe8307 I think the real question is how are Women supposed to know these men are abusive before they first meet them?? especially when nobody warns them about them? WOMEN DON'T DATE ABUSIVE MEN !!!!!!!
@@maryksmith8947
WELL LET ME THINK! DERRRRR THEY CAN FIGURE IT OUT THE FIRST TIME!
Or is that simple reasoning beyond your ability?
Dont come crying to me when its the 3,4,5,6,7,8,9 TIME!
Can you explain the phenomena where a woman always dates abusive men yet those men where never abusive before or after? HMMMM
Men aren't abusive at the start of a relationship.
@@maryksmith8947 Clearly you cant answer simple facts that prove you wrong!
I have been in a DV situation. I was choked out. Kicked in the head. Threatened my family with his “gun in the safe” which was no gun. It was a ruse. Turns out my abuser had extreme mental health issues and neglect from his parents growing up. Still there’s NO excuse for hitting on a man or woman! He almost killed me. I was always covered in bruises to which I made excuses for. My mom had multiple relationships which I witnessed abuse. I thought that was how you show love growing up somehow. Sounds ridiculous but it’s true. I stayed cuz I had an intense feeling that he could be better. But he went to prison after beating me when I was pregnant with his baby and went to jail. Since then I have been so happy. My current partner adopted his baby as his own.
Turns out he was on so many different kinds of drugs which didn’t help the situation
@@Autumnfire087 No, it didn't help but drugs weren't the reason he was violent.
No you weren't
Absolutely NO, they will never change.
For example Cluster B disordered people like narcissists just get better at it when in psychotherapy.
@@EWAMILENAP absolutely, they are master manipulators and accomplished liars
@@EWAMILENAP Good point!!!
wow so dude assaulted his child and its just swept under the rug but its ok cause you "called him out"? as a survivor this sickens me. the man should be in jail. all of them. i dont give two f#$%s if they have a soft side inside somewhere theyve already done the damage. once you become violent its a choice that can never be undone and they should pay the consequences that's why it is illegal
Definitely. And if my husband hit our kid, I'd leave him. That'd be it, no more chances for him. No excuse to hit a child. So I'm not impressed with his wife in that regard.
@@metalhead4Christ im even more upset with the counselors for even giving them hope he will l change that would be like a dream come true in that situation but its a false sense of safety
@@orionshomeproductions Yeah for sure. Idk what happened off screen, but they seem to barely address him slapping his son. Hopefully they did more than talk about it for a few minutes. It's bad enough to abuse your wife, but there's no excuse for abusing a child.
Take it from me. Call outs and urging these dregs of society into therapy, doesn't work. Because I went down this route instead of calling the cops, my abuser is free to abuse other women instead of being jailed and outcast by our peers.
It became apparent to me that my abuser will never change and I'd say that goes for 99% of abusers out there.
Spot on , this fvcking woke attitude to violence is unbelievable. I let myself be beaten but I would of let my ex kill me if he even touched my kids. Look for the red flags. There right in front of u. Don't be sweet talked by an abuser.there very good at that. Sorry if a man hurt my kids I would of killed them. Dead no regrets
I'm sorry to say this but after years of going through manipulation, gaslighting, slutshaming, sexism and lies from recent partners, I do not believe all men can change. If people want to stop abuse then how about you take control of your actions before you start the abuse at all.
Exactly! And if you do start, why not pull back and get help instead of doing this for years.
Mate those two running the program are unbelievable. The compassion and patience they show is truly special. Incredible people.
i'm kinda disgusted that these people are promoting victims staying with their abusers. they may think its well intended but when someone dies just remember these professionals thought it was a good idea for people that are toxic for eachother get back together and work it out
You have to remember they are British..Americans are so spoiled lmao
@@parkcrashers5922 spoiled? how so in this sense?
@@parkcrashers5922 this is Australia
It's certainly a bad idea for a toxic couple to reunite. It's even a worse idea if one of them gets a psychotherapy and heals from the trauma of their relationship. It's retraumatising and lifethreatening.
@@parkcrashers5922 Saftey is being spoiled? You need so much help.
The problem is once a man hits out - and the woman allows it - he has broken a boundry and knows it will be allowed again.
I was in a violent relationship for a number of years and it was like living with a man with two personalities (terrible moods)- spent most of my time on tender hocks - could not relax- never trusted him. I swear he had pre- menstuaral tension.
I look at all these men in the documentary and I can see through them, they all have the same look of physical tension about them. Folded arms, hands in pockets, frowned brows, fidgeting, defensive and just uncomfortable with themselves.
Good observation and point they are very tense and have a certain frequency about them that is unsettling and makes people uncomfortable.
@@lorrainesmith.4995 I agree these guys look scary.
What gets me about these guys is they are so insistent they want their wife and family, but you would think if their wife and kids irritated them so much they would want to leave.
I wished someone can erase this devastating problem of domestic violence... and what about violent guys blaming the girl? Ughhh
And what about guys blaming girls......remember it takes two to fight. I'm a bloke who suffered family violence..... and you do not get anything like the support women have lavished on them. Let me give you an example I joint custody and my children were supposed to be returning home to me.... At the same time as a man in another state failed to return his child to the mother, it was on the news and they did a man hunt till they found him and the child having a holiday..... Three days my children were missing and the mother did not so much as give me a phone call or anything in fact she did not answer my calls, so I phoned the Police to get a missing children search started. And they would not lift a finger, I got told, your the farther take it up with the family law court.
Yet government statistics clearly indicate most violence against children in the home is carried out by the female.... government numbers not mine! Where is any sort of equality ?
@@apollo8352 You have been the victim of prejudice against fathers that occurs because so many fathers and husbands are abusive. You have also been the victim of bad numbers. FBI statistics clearly show year after year that men commit 90% of the family violence. If you suffer from being tarred with the same brush because your brothers are committing crimes in their families, it would help if you would stand with women and children and control your brothers. They'll listen to another man. They rarely if ever listen to women.
@@apollo8352 Where on earth are you getting these numbers?
@@apollo8352- women are bound to show up as the main perpetrators of child abuse because we do the majority of the raising of children. I'm sure that if you look up actual child murders, the picture would look very different.
@@apollo8352- and it's interesting that men never seem to take any interest in this subject unless women are discussing the violence they suffer at the hands of men.
I have literally never seen it spoken about otherwise. So if you don't care, why should we?
Violence is control.
really? For me it's a form of recreation.
I'd love an update to see where they are now. I am impressed that these men have tried to break the cycle of violence and are working on themselves. Of course, I am proud of the women as well, for taking their stand against these men and setting boundaries.
The way they are defending their behavior and making excuses for themselves is shocking and all too familiar
My ex husband almost killed me.i should have never married him.i am divorced now though and I will never go back to him.i have never forot how bad he hurt me 😢
I left my abusive husband 20 years ago
I was with him 15 years wr had 2 daughters
He wasn't just physically abusive he was psychology abusive too
He had access rights to our daughters as we were married
He used our daughter's to torture me and made a mess of them as a result
We work together to heal to this day
Even after 20 years he still hates me and every opportunity calls me a liar and a crazy
He is an expert manipulater
I can't have relationships because they all go the same way
Maybe it is my fault i do not know
I don't think they can change because they like the power and enjoy torture
Never taking responsibility for their actions
In the UK 1 in 4 men are abusive
Scary numbers
It is NOT your fault. I'm so glad you got away and you and your daughters are healing. He will never be happy. You can.
A 360 degree shift leaves you EXACTLY WHERE YOU STARTED. It is a 180 degree shift which makes it the polar opposite.
I was an emotionally abusive person and lost the love of my life, it hurts till this day but I caused it. I’m here to say I’m a changed man but you have to want to change I will never go back to the man I use to be, I am ashamed embarrassed and disgusted with the person I was, my ex did the right thing by leaving I didn’t deserve her but it took that and me really wanting to change for it to happen.
How did you do it? What happened to make you change? My ex violently attacked me this year. It was going to court. He sadly took his life. I want to train in a program like this to help men as my father was an abusive alcoholic too.
What was it helped you?
God bless you in your recovery. You can make amends by educating the men around you and supporting their recovery from the toxic thinking that keeps them from the love they say they want.
Liar.
Thankyou for sharing your experience
They minimize n gaslight that’s what they do
Yes narcissists
And many make promises they intend to keep at the time but they fall back unless they've gone through a real abusers program and NOT marriage counseling or family therapy.
Narcisstic triangulation.
Beware the pentagram they form around you.
Men and women can be narcissitic.
I finally had the courage to put my abuser in jail, but now I feel like I'm grieving, and he says he is getting help, and when he gets out, he will continue to get help I have read and watched many different things on abusers and alot of people say they don't change.
😮He will come only to finish you off! Use you up & throw you away!!!
Did you go back to him? I hope you’re staying safe.
There is a grieving process,I went through it as well🖤I'm glad you got out give it time🦋
Remember that these are sociopaths. They will literally say and do anything to manipulate people into doing what they want.
These people are not normal.
You are still in contact. You are not doing everything that you need to heal.
His words are what you want to hear, but why do you need to hear them?
If you're considering his words and intentions of continuing your relationship, more than questioning why you're still in contact, chances are that You haven't broken tbe trauma bond to form any new form of bond/ attachment.
Reading and watching educational videos is great, but what you are missing is another persons insight with your personal circumstances, somatic and talk therapy, and rebuilding self esteem and self worth and end of normalizing what is not positive for your best good.
4 these of yall who think abusers can change how bout telling their partners and all the family of the partners they killed!
They could change, they just chose not to.
Choice means the potential is there, not that it's a guarantee. Not sure why this is a "gotcha" point.
I believe less than 1% will. The remaining will never change no matter what they say. That’s why I believe it’s important that domestic abusers after being found guilty must be chipped and become government property. Because once they either get out of jail or their victim leaves, they will find another victim. These people find pleasure making others suffer, it’s what they live for. They are truly sick and evil people and deserve to be treated as scum
Chipping! Never thought of it. What a great idea!
There should be a law that abusers get a permanent tattoo on there foreheads saying " Abuser " ln order to keep others safe ...Just like pedophiles. God if l was only a judge 👩⚖️
This is a brilliant idea. More victims would have avoided the victimisation.
Even if they are not tattooed they should be listed as violent offenders just like pedophiles and sexual offenders are listed
Or lock them up forever
There is a law similar to this in the UK, I think it’s called Claire’s law.
@@dhritikapoor2897 Agreed 💯
The question is how many of them are willing to change?
A man will kill his wife and children and blame the wife !!! It’s disgusting!
My cousin was killed by her husband. The defence tried putting the blame on her saying she gave as good as she got .
My friend killed by her ex , court wrongfully let him go
@@Taylor23890 Wow. So sorry to hear. That’s tragic 😰😰
@@gabrielamartiniuc6322 Thank you . Both cases absolutely horrific
@@Taylor23890 I’m a survivor of 15 years of Domestic Violence. The violence escalated towards the end when he actually threatened my life with a shotgun. I had already filed for divorce 4 times by then; he wouldn’t cooperate. It’s Control. I’d rather him LEAVE, if he isn’t going to do do right by us. But no, he had to stay to torture and abuse me. It’s been 10 yrs and he has been a nightmare still. These men are emotionally unstable and evil.
@@Taylor23890 My oldest daughters name is Mia. I adore her name 😍
Wow what an awesome documentary. It maade me cry as i know what it is like to be the victim of Domestic violence. Those words stay with us for life
Seems like the therapy becomes part of the cycle. When the therapist says that they can't just give up on these men, it sounds very much like the echo of the victim. Men abuse because they can and because ultimately they get reward from it by coercing the victim to stay with them and continue to be used as a target for abuse and to give them a veneer of being a decent person.
Promises, promises...
What you say is true. Encouraging false hope can be a death sentence for a woman and her children. An abuser must go through at least a year of real therapy directed at his sense of entitlement to abuse and the women he has abused must be supported in establishing and defending her boundaries and those of her children. If he can't accept her bodily integrity, the sacredness of their bond, the extreme privilege and responsibility parents have to cherish and protect their children--from himself if necessary--he isn't changed. And very few abusers really change. "I'm the head of my family, she's my wife, they're MY children and I can do whatever I want..." They need to dump that thinking FOREVER!
Lundy Bancroft has a much better description of perpertrators and has worked with them for many years. The 'therapists' in this case still seem stuck on the idea that these men are somehow responding to their own past traumas or somesuch.
Bancroft understands what makes these guys tick better than anyone on earth! These people are well intentioned but I agree, reunification isn't often the best way. It is rare for an abuser to recover to the degree where he can rejoin the family he abused.
Then it's about time that men submitted themselves to therapy at a much earlier age instead of continuing the cycle and wreaking all this havoc on women and children.
@@stregalilithAbsolutely. They seem naive.
Proud and free survivor ❤😊
❤❤❤
95% of such men the answer is no!
I have an abuser living in my home I’m afraid of him. He won’t leave. I tried to tell him I don’t love him and I nearly got myself killed. I saw red flags when I met him. Thank God I didnt have kids. My life is ruined. I’m going to figure out a plan to escape
Oh I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I really hope your able to get away, and have an amazing future. I'll be praying for you hun.
Do not confront him they do not think logically and don’t take responsibility. Be careful make a plan and leave when he doesn’t know. Nothing is more important than your freedom and health. And your life is not ruined, get free and take the lesson from it and then enjoy your freedom and life
Please leave as soon as it is safe too.leave when he is gone and never go back to him again.your life is at stake.i did it so can you leave and be free and happy too.😊
@@paula3406 thank you
Call your local abuse hotline from a phone thats safe to use; make a plan; confide in someone he doesn't know that you can trust; leave everything if you have to, you can rebuild your life if you can save it. I did it, built a new life, went to law school and helped others. You can do it. Meantimes, stay safe and don't believe his promises. The police and a restraining order can get him out of your house but if he's threatened to kill you and wont leave, get OUT! Don't look back! Stay safe. All our prayers are with you! If we can do it so can you! ❤❤🩹💖
Short answer….NO!
Look at the size of these guys? When are they going to grow up and even see that they are much much bigger than these woman they have no problem beating up.
Yes, you don't see them beating up men bigger than they are, do you?
Yea but then they say but you hit me too! Your the one that started it. You brought the abuse into the relationship. When I was just protecting myself because he wouldn't give me space and I felt cornered
You don’t have to watch a documentary to know the answer is NO.
Wonderful...when you Know better you Do better..when people grow up and don't know anything different they will repeat what they saw...these men and women are truly wonderful for working on themselves to make this world a better place...God knows we all need to work on making this a safer, better, place for everyone..God bless us and help us all daily..thanks to all and best of luck...~!
The answer is NO.
Yes they can change. But, only 1% of them that dare to look in the mirror and be honest.
Statistics say 3 %... the ones who would otherwise lose everything
@@MarionFiedlerMusic Yes those are the real numbers, not those of the trolls who make numbers up in their heads and say, "What about women abusing men..." Dream on, trolls...
No ..they can't!..they learn to hide it but it's there!!
@@justalittleyoutuber ..personally I call it white knucking it...somewhere sometime it'll show back up!!
@@justalittleyoutuber ..bingo
@@justalittleyoutuber ..I'm going by experience!.. Unfortunately.. They can only maintain for a while. My ex released it on cats and his brother did the same and they would laugh about the torture!!..And believe me I was also tortured mentally, physically, and emotionally!!. He may not show it directly to his mate but it come our reguardless
@@justalittleyoutuber ..no worries about me .God Almighty Yah takes care of me now!. Xx..but thank you for your concern❤
@@justalittleyoutuber Controlling is simply trying not to react. But ultimately, they still believe the same problematic thoughts that lead to the action in the first place. Without removing those problematic thoughts, they will always have victims of some sort.
I wish my ex husband realised all this he blamed everyone, especially me. I gave him 3 wonderful children...but it was not enough for him, he has a lovely son from a previous relationship who now has a daughter....If my ex husband could have realised how abusive he was...he would not have lost his family...or drove them away, I pity his new wife with her baggage. I know deep down from what my children have said...that he has so many regrets, and on eve on his new marriage had voiced to my children he was unsure...but someone has to take care of him! A rescuer!! He was violent and physically and financially abusive towards me right from the start. I still get anxiety when he wants to see our youngest son...who has never contributed towards and sees his step dad as his father. However I wish him well on his journey, glad I am out of that chaotic violent life. I am very happily married now to my 2nd husband, kind man. Grateful. x
Wonderful work Dave and Jackie
Proud Survivor.❤
❤❤❤
They don't change, period!
Interesesting, but such a difficult issue. I wish people would talk more about this
There's lots more dialogue online now than ever. Some of it is even getting through to some people. Not enough but it's a start. No one can do everything but everyone can do something. Find out what you can do to help, even if it's only to listen.
I would. Love to talk more about it to understand it more and understand both sides to get different perspectives on the matter because I feel like his anger and rage is partly my problem too.
@@expressyourvocals There is a great book that explains it all from both sides. It’s “Why Does He Do That?” By a Dr. Bancroft who worked with men who batter their wives and girlfriends. I forgot his first name but there are a couple of his videos on RUclips. It’s a real eye opener!
No they never change
Some people see change as no abuse for a period of time. Or being nice, buying gifts, but that isn't change. It's just a temporary respite. My abusive father, who seemed to change, in reality, was resentful and was biding his time. He invited me for Christmas dinner, then threatened me with a letter opener to scare me, then later denied that he did it. After that, I could never feel safe again because he told me through his actions that he'd never stop and that he planned to gas light me. I went no contact.
My aunt said, "That's too bad" about my no contact. Another relative said she was "cool" with my father's violent abuse.
Bye.
My opinions, peace.
BPD women are attracted to violent men. His unpredictability and outbursts satisfies her need for chaos. Her emotional dis-regulation satisfies his need for an externalized locus of control. A lot of women who enter these relationships have been abused by caregivers. It’s that simple. Forgive me but if you remain in, or go back to someone who has shown violence, you are part of the cycle and need help/support. Abusive men do not change and usually women who are abused go back to it or find other abusive men.
I wouldnt leave my kids with an abusive man crazy I cant watch this.
The problem is that none of them are truly remorseful, they have no ability to empathize and are so self involved that they just don't care about the pain they cause. Not one of them care about the pain they've caused others outside of the implication it has on them.
Even when they break down in tears and they're berating themselves and condemning their actions, even when they're at their most repentant and sincere, the only person they're actually feeling bad for is themselves. They're lamenting over what THEY have lost and the consequences THEY are experiencing. All the remorse they feel is for the damage they've caused to their own self concept. They hate having to conceive of themselves as an abuser, they hate having to assume the role of the "bad guy". None of them ever hold any space for their victim's experience or pain, just their own.
Many woman dont want to report in fear even if neighbours call or members of the public verbal abuse phycological physical financial emotional it makes w person really unwell 😢
Leave and never look back 😊❤😅
The system is often confusing and if you're not white or a native speaker or undocumented it can be scary but there is help. There are abuse hotlines in almost every community and one national one we well. You can get help.
I just want to thank these men for opening up the doors to their lives. My hope is my loved one decides now is time for change too.
I absolutely believe that abusive people can change IF they want to. This episode focuses on Men specifically but both genders can be abusive & violent. With that said, the Abuser *can* change in many cases if they are willing to put in the effort and resolve the issues that caused the problems to begin with otherwise you are putting a Band-Aid on a gaping injury.. it won't change forever. I speak from experience as the Partner of a violent & abusive alcoholic man. I see a lot of the traits he carries in these men and it amazes me at how similar Abusers are to each other. Mine is a really good guy when he is sober but as the day goes on it's like he becomes 10 different people by the time he goes to bed, according to how much he drinks. He stopped putting his hands on me about 6 years ago but the verbal/mental/emotional abuse intensified tenfold since and I honestly feel that mental abuse is much worse than physical. Everyone who knows him thinks he's a great guy but they don't know the Monster that lives behind my closed doors. The point of my story is that change is possible but if they aren't willing to fix their issues there comes a point where you need to just give up for your own health & wellbeing.. like I am in the process of.
Abusers cannot and will not ever change because anger and triggers are at the core of it through both nature and nurture. Just like child molesters will never change. They are not able to be fixed.
@@MissouriCrookedBarnHomestead so...they shouldn't feel bad about anything they do?
@@mrjackelbox4418 No, that would be putting words into what I wrote. The punishment they are given does not match the crime because they will never change. As soon as it is possible, they will again re-offend.
@@MissouriCrookedBarnHomestead so are you saying nothing works? Or will they get better as long as the punishment fits?
0.05% can change. The rest no
They never change 😭
Awesome documentary
The answer is no
controlling violent men never change
I noticed no one called the police 😢
Some did.
Domestic violence is part of the curse. And I’m not under the curse.
Curse?
Self hatred looking for a place to land.
Disappear walk out without ever mentioning & never return. If need be change names. Some grow up like this others ( R Possessed- Monitoring Spirits).
Very good documentary about my beautiful Mozambique -Maputo.We face our daily challenges with happiness in our face and hope for the best as the madala said.Big up to your translator too.
Why are these documentaries always Australian and from England?
maybe they have the money to invest in these kind of programs
@@nicoleb6063 Or the commitment. If they are really committed to healing this issue, they'll find the $$
There are so many books on this, and most therapists will tell you out right, if the person abused you, the the line was crossed, and they will never ever change and continue to hurt you. Stop trying to empathize with these sociopaths, they don't care for anyone but themselves.
Constantly have flashback and I'm in terror and feel. Unsafe. I know he could snap. At any time. He tries to get me to ratio alize his behavior by saying g things like" if you weren't so difficult and you went with the flow then I wouldn't have strangled you.
💖👍👍Very nice video !
These fella is court ordered they are not remorseful one bit
NO THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE
ABUSIVE MEN DO NOT & WILL NOT CHANGE,EVER
IF YOU DECIDE TO LEAVE,WHICH YOU SHOULD ,DO NOT TELL HIM OR ANYONE WHERE YOU'RE GOING,JUST LEAVE WHILE HE'S GONE & YOU KNOW FOR A FACT HE WILL BE GONE A FEW HOURS.
IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, ONLY MET HIM WHEN IT'S TO SEE HIM IN COURT,NO PLACE ELSE,NOT EVEN IN PUBLIC.
AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE AND NO MATTER WHAT HE TELLS YOU,DO NOT BELIEVE HIM,DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM.
Around 25 to 26 min of that video, those languages should never be used on the wife
To be honest, I would never feel truly safe with a person that had already abused me. You would never know whether something would cause them to snap again.
And I would be getting constant flasbacks too. I just couldn't do it.
Yes I'm. Currently going through this right now and I start trying to rationalize and think about he will change and get better. I'm. So confused and lost. He has made me believe that I'm the problem and the reason why I get strangled is because I'm. Difficult and If I went with the flow that it wouldn't of happened.
@@expressyourvocals - that's such a classic narcissistic tactic. If you were in fact being 'difficult', then the normal method of dealing with that would be to discuss where that behaviour was coming from and ways to resolve it. Strangling someone or subjecting them to any other kind of abuse is not a normal way of dealing with any issues.
@@expressyourvocals - you can"t change other people, you can only change yourself.
Start making a plan to get out before he kills you, and always move in silence.
If anything it gets worse. They see what they can get away with and the violence abuse gets worse
Excellent point!
An abuser can be either man or woman..
Let's clear that up first & foremost..
Abuse isn't always clear cut, so to speak..
It can be verbal, physical, mental, etc...
Of course abuse can be amplified if there are any substance abuse involved in the situation.
I'd also like to add that I firmly believe people can change, for the most part.
Some people, unfortunately, are far too "gone"...
From what I've witnessed, lived through & have researched over the years -- much of it seems to derive from lack of mental health assistance.
Or even the proper intervention when the law enforcement has to get involved on numerous occasions.
People just don't possess much coping skills..
Instead -- People just wait to "go off"; which is repression.
It's also one of *THE WORST* thing that a person can do -- psychologically speaking..
Some just lack awareness.
At times it's something they grew up with, therefore it's "normal" in their eyes.
Many of these aspects apply to both the abuser & the abused.
Domestic abuse varies in so many ways..
People who aren't prone to violence can turn violent; whether from jealousy, obsession, over possessiveness, etc...
Ex: my children's father -- in his entire life, he's *NEVER* laid a hand on woman until me. I was trying to leave him.. it became too much to bear (besides his over controlling tendencies, he was also constantly cheating me too). His abundance in insecurities made it impossible to stay with him. But when I did let him know I was leaving him, he basically tried to take my life. I laughed in his face though... That shocked him & made him let me go. Shortly after, I found out that he's *NEVER EVER* done anything of that nature to anyone.
Just to show how non-violent person can turn violent in blink of an eye.
Another example:
I am what my psychiatrists have referred to as "controlled" insanity. 🤣🤣
I am violent by nature with TONS of anger issues. *HOWEVER,* I do not believe in violence. It took *YEARS & DECADES* in order to make these improvements.... having children at a young age was the primary reason for changing my ways.
Unless it's out of life threatening matter or self defense, I could never see myself hurting someone.
I grew up with physical, mental, sexual & verbal abuse all of my life.
I couldn't do to another person, what's been done to me.. especially fully knowing & understanding the damages that my actions can cause.
Most importantly -- I firmly believe in leading by example. So what kind of mother would I be if I didn't make the necessary changes...?!?! #Ijs
Many people lash out due to spite, selfishness, hurt, etc....
Bottom line...
How much a person wants to change, solely relies on that person.
Even a f'd up person can see & understand the differences of right & wrong.
Sympathy & empathy goes a long way too...
It never hurts to put yourself in the shoes of another...
If you want the "madness" to stop & not repeat history, then the change *MUST* happen.
If you cannot accept criticism, then you need to really really look at yourself... Self reflection is quite imperative...
Sometimes, people expect change in an unreasonable time frame; which you'd be setting yourself up for failure.
Lastly -- if the problem is with the abuser, then where the change must occur is pretty obvious. However, in certain cases -- change must happen throughout the family in order for them to recover. At times, one person can't make the change alone.
Regaining trust is time consuming..
Please remember -- no matter the situation, you *ALWAYS* have a choice.
You may not like the choices, but nonetheless it's a choice for you to make.
Good documentary 👏🏻💯
Stay safe everyone & have a fantastic night! 💕
Awesome comment. I am probably like you. I get angry easily, but I am against violence. And God has helped keep that in check.
I get easily angry too (my dad dose too and I never learned too control it thanks too him (I want too leave because of him)).
But I would never lay a finger on a child, niether an animal. Both are like sponges who absorb their environment and what they learned. If I hit them, that'll cause them trauma. With kids, that trauma will effect them when they get older, and would also make the world an even darker place
Enlighten us with something we don't already know
@@nicknation9114 ?
@@veronicalagor4771 Really.
Wouldn't these woman see signs of this before getting involved with them? I've known young boys I my youth, that were " suspect" if this future behaviors....very angry, physically aggressive to other guys, and girls.. Stayed very far away from them unless I had a gun.
No, a lot of them are well educated, charming, pillars of the community. The most common time for abuse to start is halfway through pregnancy. It's shocking and unbelievable and it escalates.
@@harmonyvaneaton4101 I C..
If only
NO. THEY. CAN'T.
it takes all day to do what you have to do all day just to maintain yourself your surroundings ... which is the reason everyone is dying of exhaustion PTSD
Changement can come if you understand by yourself what you are doing are wrong, this is my believed
No
The great what are you talking about
well can violent females change? i say no to that. my ex wife who abused me and our daughter continues that same pattern with every man she is with.
All she ever wanted was for you to hit her back you insensitive fool
Well would it be any different? It’s a pattern of behaviour…but most DV a is male on female hence this doc asking from the female perspective.
Well then men need to speak up more don’t they? It took centuries before women were heard…violence towards anyone is to be condemned
@@jane4726 AMEN TO THAT
@@jane4726 Except that when they do, even with clear evidence in their favor, they are the ones who get dragged out in cuffs while the woman gets to stay and potentially wreck all of their stuff. Not saying that violence against women is not a problem because it certainly is, but what I said previously is the reality of a man with an abusive wife/gf.
So being moody is violent? Withdrawing is violent? So let's keep the angry, abusive person from trying to control themselves by withdrawing and tell them they are violent for that as well. Seriously?
It doesn’t mean withdrawing as in taking time out. It’s like withdrawing from the relationship while pretending everything is fine. It’s part of an abusers arsenal of weapons.
Moody - sure we are get moody - but when my son comes home with an award from school, or wife has just accomplished something she’s always dreamed of, or when entire family being happy makes the person ‘moody and usually mean with it’ it isn’t a coincidence.
I'd be interested in understanding how you got ^that^ out of this documentary.....??
@@maburg713 Because I listened to them say tese things at the begining.
@@maburg713 Sorry, that was on the pamphlet at the begining.
Yes it is if it’s used as a weapon…it’s called coercive control. Behaving like this when the attention isn’t on them, deliberately withholding affection. We all have bad days, moody times…but using that to control others is abusive. Think moody without a reason…like on Christmas Day because the lunch is late, veg overcooked/undercooked/not what they wanted…
Hey! Your cover photo is my book cover.. Titled “I Once Loved A Sick Man”.. Seeing this literally made my heart race and my eyes bulge…. Thanks😉
TRUST TRUTH in Grandma Grandpa their will be peace Harmony equanimity comfortness and joyfulness so all children can pursue happiness it's free just like God intended it to be.
No they cant. Whoever told you that was lying
Even after they ruin there family’s and there kids and generations if they learn from Rabbis and the Torah it’s possible
They can change if substance abuse was the key to their aggressiveness.
How can you be sure? I am dating an ex abuser, ex meth head. He tried to kill his ex gf and swears it was bc of drugs but not everyone on drugs becomes violent. How would I know if they have changed?
@@mariana8879 from my perspective i grew up with two alcoholic parents. My father a good man but alcohol made him a Jekyl and Hyde type. Some people just fall asleep when intoxicated but he became a literal walking nightmare.
Im unsure about your situation. Some people are not themselves AT ALL when abusing poisons. I cant comment on meth...
Please be safe.
I see what you're saying. And I wouldn't recommend staying in your situation.
Your choice.
@@bearclaus2676 thank you so much!!!
Some people desperately want to blame the substance, but that isn't the only cause of abusive behavior.
certainly not those who have progressed to mental and physical violence in my country 60+ women were murdered by their partners in 2023 averaging one woman murdered every week we abolished the death penalty for murder in the 1970s replaced it with life in jail no parole leave jail in a body bag these are for so called extreme cases of murder - otherwise a murderer is entitled to a plead deal, time served, parole and appeals and can use the mental health loopholes - we have 8 states 1 state jailed its 1st DV mass murderer for life no parole he killed 5 of his family members his wife grandmother and 3 young daughters - yes men suffer DV too but certainly not at the same rate or extreme that women and children do with 60+ women killed in 2023 no men were murdered by their partners in that same year - it's not about us and them it's about DV which will always be the enemy
But these men that I see here they all look like they have some mental problem , am I wrong? Just the way they speak, maybe from childhood I don't know, and THAT makes me wonder why so many women pick these type of men for husbands and fathers??????? I'd run away far as I can , I don't know, it's me, but would like to know more opinions...look how different the teacher carries himself and speaks and looks how different from all these abusive men..
The types of women who choose these men have usually come from abusive pasts. Their father was abusive to their mother, so it is what they grew up with, what they are used to, what they feel "safe" with. The cycle of abuse.
The women have low self-esteem, they feel like they don't deserve any better, or they can't attract any better. Every guy they choose is similar, because it's what they are attracted to. They are looking for the traits of their own "father", once again, because it's all they know.
This cycle continues until she gets therapy to understand why she always chooses the "wrong type of guy".
By then she already has 3 kids with 3 different dad's.
It's very sad, and why abuse is so bad. It really affects kids in ways people don't realize or understand until it's too late, and all they can do is pick up the pieces, and teach their kids to do better.
A lot of these men speak this way because their substance abuse problems have affected their oral health. Some will have speech issues that are unrelated to intellectual disability, but are tied to certain ways they were raised (parents neglected to get them speech therapy or fix oral health issues and could indicate general neglect and abuse. They might have developed a speech impediment as a coping strategy). I'd say few actually have intellectual disabilities.
Not all of us can see if their good partners or not untill after the marriage. Narcissists are good at hiding their intentions once they get a hold of someone or something they want.
They probably all have FASD 🤷🏻♀️
@@ms.pirate They know better than to show who they are up front; they cultivate charm and go through the motions of courtship--then they reveal themselves when they've trapped a woman.
Of course they can they can become a corpse
Well they are obviously acting out their pain which they are afraid to confront within themselves. Doing that is were the healing is, not in just changing behaviour. Otherwise: the treathened partner can take a protective agressive dog. I know cases were that helped for real
What about Men that don't agree with violence but in some form always getting sucked into a partner repeative behavior of provoking that Man to anger what about that I don't believe a man wants to see his woman hurt because inwardly that hurts to see a mistake on a person you love
@@narrowroadtraveler4167 just leave
@@maritaz7577 does the truth hurt
@@jackjohnson6230 no, never
Hi I think most people if they are honest with themselves, know when a relationship is ended and staying in the hope it gets better is wrong. When you make up your mind things are not getting better that is the time to leave, Who knows after you leave you might miss each other so much you both want to do whatever it takes to get back together..... but it ofte takes the act of leaving to set those improvements in motion. Good luck