CPTSD: How a Lack of BOUNDARIES Makes Your Isolation WORSE
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- Опубликовано: 13 окт 2019
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I do experience isolation and have made great efforts in my life to keep ‘practicing’ being connected and making choices/boundaries. I have practiced so much that I do have times have great social skills. One of my biggest accomplishments is that over the years with practice I have developed in myself the skill to spontaneously joke around in a social conversation! Can you imagine?! You ptsd s out there know what I mean.
I create a social calendar every week. I try and have just enough to do yet not too much. I try to balance just how much social I can handle before I feel trapped and how much isolation is good for me before I feel trapped.
I feel like if I can’t navigate between these to things I get the feeling I will just die. It is a matter of life and death for me. Seriously.
I love this comment. I'm glad you're here.
Good idea to actually plan some thing and put it on the calendar. Thanks.
Aaah, i relate to not being able to spontaneously joke around in social situations. I started thinking it was because I'm "not funny" but what I think it is is a fear of being vulnerable and joking around is quite a vulnerable thing to do. I hope to one day get to where you are, especially with people i don't know very well! After all, humour is one of the best ways to connect to people. Good luck in your journey!
What a great idea a social calendar
same, here
I get tooo down
and tooo mad
passion and ptsd
plus, other
disregulation etc
I'm so open to help..for me
I feel safe around total strangers, but I'm totally isolated from friends, family, and acquaintances. When I'm around total strangers, I know that the slanders and smear campaigns about me haven't poisoned the well, yet. And, I can be my true authentic self around strangers.
I totally get it. It's possible to build up a new kind of safety so that you can move more freely through your life, and grow relationships with people who believe in you, immune to slander. Stick around! Watch some videos, go see more resources on my website crappychildhoodfairy.com
Since you don't see your family anyway, why not tell them how you feel about their judgements? The truth shall set you free.
Vicky Kassar I try but people in my family don’t change🤷🏻♀️
This feels painful real to me. I've worked SO hard to be authentic and a good person. I live in a smaller town with little family. I feel like I'm digging out of 30 years of mud here.
I didn't ask to be beat. I had NO choice. Hospital trips, blood transfusions and bruises constantly on my little body. As I gre my mom said she never applied for foodstamps with pride. I remember digging in dumpsters as little as 4 unsupervised with my then 3 year old brother for FOOD. The painful reality hit me this year, she never went because she knew CPS would be called.(she passed at 50, I was 27) We moved half year in grade school, EVERY year so nobody could catch on to what a beast my biological father was. Horrifying man. Died(@50 too) before I got to ask .... WHY? How did you live with yourself?
I'm unloading right now, sorry. I have been triggered all week. I'm trying. I act with kindness and it's hard at work when my coworkers and boss don't say thank you. Ever. I over compensate when working out of FEAR that I'm not good enough, yet I end up being used to carry more work weight.
Thank you for the upload and sharing information with us 🌻
Your comment about poisoning the well hits home. I am thinking about moving out of area I have lived in 30 years, because I am much different now, but old stories that have been embellished and spread have made it difficult to move on here. People think that the way you were 30 years ago is still true, and of course people only hear one side of every story (not mine). It makes it almost impossible to reconnect with life.
Shame attacks ( "i said something wrong ! I showed them how stupid i am!" ) over the most innoculous conversations made me isolate. Now when shame attacks i say "Go away- you have no power over me". And its true. The shame is only in my head and it will only take up as much space as i give it. I practice over and over & the attacks have shrunk to almost nothing. Toxic shame is like an evil spirit attacking- just tell it to go away. It will. I can make mistakes in conversations and its ok.
Yes, this kind of shame definitely needs removal. The 'Daily Practice' is a free course on my website crappychildhoodfairy.com/ which is a written version of what you are speaking to. Thank you!
I didn't realize that my intense need for isolation was tied to my inability to say no. Thankfully I am now working with a counselor who is helping me to see where I need to set boundaries. As a people pleaser, it's extremely hard. But I'm working on that too. So thank you for sharing.
Because of your videos I’ve decided to push myself socially. I always complain and throw pity parties for myself about lonely I feel, but when people actually reach out I don’t allow it to be good enough, let alone accept invitations to do things. Nor do I try to make things happen. Part of that is from feeling fearful I will be rejected when I try (cause it’s happened). But with your help I realized I’m playing a huge role in my own loneliness. So, a huge thank you for the work you’re doing. I have plans to hang out with a girl from my college next week.
Hi @paperparade! I was wondering, how are you doing now with socializing?
Some people you give an inch and they expect a mile with no gratitude or guilt. I had to say no contact for one week. But after that they began to sneak in again and want to chat for 10 minutes which became half an hour and then longer each time until I really put my foot down. Then they began to look for their emotional opiate elsewhere.
'saying no frees us to stay connected'. Brilliant and very true.
I do have the capacity to say “no”, sometimes politely, sometimes not so much. My problem is a lot of times people’s’ complaining and even simple small talk makes me anxious. I am not interested in most social gatherings. I find it either tiring or boring. I am not sure what my problem is. It feels like I get too involved in other people’s stories even when I don’t want to. It is hard for me to simply relax and be myself. Is this codependency or people-pleasing behavior? How can I feel better? I have started your free course and I felt better for a while. Now, the anxiety, depression and need for isolation are back. I am not sure what triggered it 😢🙁
I totally understand. I wouldn't worry too much about naming the problem (or knowing the trigger). If you'd like to connect more, just focus on the symptoms -- that trigger-y agitation you feel, and see if you might be able to neutralize it, at least some. It's a bit of a dance between the part of you that wants connection and the part that can't handle it. They can work together to get you out there, but with consideration for your sensitivity. Good for you!
I totally relate to this and was wondering the same thing❤
I think it's a combination of both, possibly a side effect of heightened sensitivity to stimuli...disassociating can be counterproductive but sometimes I think it's good to disassociate a little from being overly attached to our environment and also people pleasing. It helps to detach from overcompensating energetically and also protects us from reacting too sensitively for the given circumstance.
I probably just overstepped my boundaries but I hope it helped💓✌
My mother self isolated for most of her adult life as a result of childhood and further trauma. Her life has been so limited, contained and restricted as a result. Utterly tragic. And I see now that it was fear. Wow! I'm incredibly gregarious as a result, which has served me well but it was a crappy childhood!
Thanks Anna ❤️
Thanks for being here!
bernie barclay I’m sure she had skills also . Today, people fear being alone ! I had a mom who isolated and I grew up with an angry dad that left me looking for a safe place to hide most of the time. But I know how to be alone and don’t fear it! And as “crappy” as I can say my childhood was, it was ALSO BEAUTIFUL and full of good things. Like my parents.
I am binging your video's now. Both our (adoptive) sons 6 and 7 have CPTSD. This is one of the videos i am sending their teachers. I tell the people around us, if you want to be in their world. Do as you say and say as you do or just don't bother at all. If promise them a purple monkey they will get a purple monkey, if i tell them no tablet time, it's no tablet time. In school the oldest went from doing everything on paper to doing everything on a chromebook. Grades went down, didn't play with his friends anymore. So i told them, he has no holding on to. Doesn't know how long something will take, how many questions. And it takes so much toll on him to still be a "good boy" when hè has nothing to hold on to he just can't. He just wants to be alone. So now they tell him how long a task will take. Go through the line up of the morning and afternoon so he knows what is comming. And he is doing so much better.
Thank goodness they have a vigilant mother who educates herself and advocates for them! I'm planning to make some content for kids in 2020, and for parents as well. Glad you are here!
I’m 53 and only this year have I been taking steps to grow which include; starting therapy, going no contact with my grandiose narcissistic mother, I’ve asked my (no intimate) wife for a divorce now (which is going surprisingly amicably) and now I’ve just started a new job as a taxi driver, which is ideal for tackling the social anxiety brought up in the video
My future is very uncertain and I fear some of its probabilities, but I am brave so I go on one step at a time and with slowly growing confidence
How do you deal with a friend (and I'm not talking bf or gf) who won't keep her word, won't behave responsibly and keep to what was agreed on, and yet expects you to reciprocate on her own terms ? In other words, she always has to have her way. I'm sorry but I'm cutting her off, she's no longer my friend as of now. Solitude or no solitude. I've had 'friends' who never seemed to respect my boundaries, I ended up not seeing them anymore. In the end I'd rather have no friends then fake ones who lie, constantly manipulate situations to their advantage, and never accept your ways, nor compromise. Sometimes solitude can be a good opportunity to clean house, then you can make new friends. Maybe. Carefully. Thanks for the warning about becoming crazy, but sometimes you've got to eliminate toxic people who don't respect you. They're just plain poison.
Congratulations on having boundaries! Stepping away from people who don't fit is sometimes the hardest part, and you've demonstrated to yourself you can do it! Sounds like your next step is learning to choose better people. Time for some workarounds! You're inspiring me to make some new videos about this. Stay tuned, and in the meantime, poke around all the videos here, and website, for more support for this amazing job you're doing!
"Sometimes solitude can be a good opportunity to clean house"...
this made me laugh out loud...!!! :´D
maybe this is a common expression "to clean house" (i´m not a native speaker...) but oh gosh it hit home...my flat is so clean right now...so that´s one way to look at loneliness in a positive way.... :´D
Thanks so much @@CrappyChildhoodFairy for your support. I'm never sure if I do things the proper way. It took me a loooong time to see the abuse, then to do something about it. My mother used to say to me "if you're not a nice girl you'll never find a husband". I thought f... the husband. But I do have a tendency to become a doormat. So shake off the dust from the doormat, and welcome new friends to a better, healthier me. You have to have faith and take the plunge. At this point solitude is becoming more a time of reflecting on my journey, rather than feeling like a social failure or missfit (although that uneasy feeling never quite disappears). Cheers !
@@siiiriously3226 HA HA ! Maybe you can come over and clean my flat (just kidding). I hate dusting. But I'm doing it in my life, choosing healthier relationships. Cheers and thanks for the comment
@@borealiswan2363 a trip to montreal to do some dusting? my pleasure! maybe make some art in the process?😊 and yeah, I'm also trying to built better relationships. platonic ones, as I kind of decided to skip dating for.... this year. at least. but know what... I have troubles relating to 'untraumatized' ppl.
maybe I only met boring untraumatized ppl.so far? but more likely I met ppl. who are just unaware of their trauma and therefore not fun to be authentic around when you're so painfully aware about your own shit? idk.
Good luck to you though. with the dusting. as well as with your relationships. I believe in you!
Even just watching this video filled my gut with a pit of anxiety. This fits me waaay to accurately. And I know what you're saying is true. I know It. But it's honestly like I completely lose my voice when I say "no". I have a lot of situations going on right now that boil down to boundary crossing... a controlling ex who does exactly what you were saying in regards to responsibilities and then uses it as a form of that control because I can't manage to find my voice :(. I just keep bending over backyards for no real reason. But how do you put this into place when you don't even know what you want/need?! As a person coming from trauma.... I feel like I don't know who I am at my core. And a lot of the times that's where I get stuck. Do I want to say no? Do I want to say yes? Should I? And do I do what I *should* do or what I *want* to do? And IS that what I want? A lot of the time I shoot myself down before I start. Maybe my initial response is that I don't want to talk to that sales rep. But then I'm countered with "but what if you're wrong? What if you should open the door? No. You're wrong. You don't want to open it out of -insert inflated reason to minimise-. If you weren't -insert reason- you probably would want to. So you should". It's a long process that 95% of the time leaves me like a deer in headlights and then I just default to what someone else wants/would want. Sometimes it feels easier to please others then to work through the spider web in my head...
Rebecca Boyd I get it, Rebecca - I’ve been doing this dance for over 60 years. I’ve been out for 2 years and now working on this. But somehow this time alone to learn, heal and grow has helped me. Sending light and love to you for your continued growth.
Maybe try my Daily Practice? It's very powerful to clear things up gently: courses-crappychildhoodfairy.com
Wow you just described perfectly what I have been going through now with taking a job or not, but it happens in smaller situations too, almost immediately like this as I doubt my first instinct so routinely at times, out of habit. I have OCD and I have found this relates to my needing to make a "just right " choice so that I don't ruin my life, essentially (that's the fear) but it seems, as I read what you wrote, to be tied up with this issue of trauma and talking oneself out of instinct, as well.
Because when we had trauma as kids and our first instinct got us into trouble or pain, why wouldn't we learn to devalue it or bend over backwards? But then, getting older and trying to heal there is the idea that you want to push yourself and get out of your comfort zone, or challenge yourself to do hard things that feel counter-intuitive (like saying no, or making boundaries) and maybe that gets confused and conflated with forcing yourself to have the uncomfortable experience no matter what (ie: talk to the sales rep) because it seems like the "healthy" thing to do. Oh man, it's confusing!
Usually in these cases my initial instinct is right, for the most part. And I have to remind myself that sometimes the flipping and flopping is also a way I might be avoiding disappointment, which has been hard for me to face. (For example, if I have an instinct that this job wasn't exactly what I wanted after talking with the owner of the company, but had super high hopes to feel a part of a team, and make money and be happy and secure...then I might try to bend myself and my instinct around to what the job is, rather than realize that I'm just disappointed that it actually wasn't what I wanted or was hoping for. Maybe it's just a matter of allowing in the dissappointment first and then making a rational choice...not sure. Probably depends on the situation. But, being disappointed feels "not allowed", because - back to childhood - if you were to let that disappointment in with your parents, or whoever caused the trauma, it would mean that you put your feelings first, and that might make you vulnerable to abandonment, because it probably could have ruined you and made it impossible to survive if you really realized that these people you relied on were a mega disappointment.... (Since you are, at that stage, needing to rely on your caretakers). I have no clue if im right, it just really got me thinking! I appreciate you sharing your experience!
@@jamlaw Absolutely! This hits the nail on the head, where every decision you make seems incredibly high stakes, no matter what it is! Being raised in an environment as children where you never knew what next action would lead to an irrational and explosive emotional reaction was the foundation of a lot of this fear, and unfortunately we also repeat these patterns in adulthood and replicate these environments with new emotionally unstable people. In this sense, rather than healing we _validate_ this persistent fear. The only true cure is to face our fears of abandonment.
A cool life coach I once found named Teal Swan had this to say on understanding what we want and our needs: "We have one choice when it comes to our needs, it's to meet them ... If you expressed your needs, wouldn't your life look a little bit different? Wouldn't the people who could meet those needs gravitate towards you, and the people who can't move away?" It really blew my mind the first time I heard it, because it made me face the fact that fear of abandonment is the very thing the keeps the cycle of trauma going. It's only when you fear abandonment, and allow that fear to continue to dictate your choices and your relationships, that you will continue to draw in those who would repeatedly reject and abandon you. Let go.
I know why I am not so stressed over social isolation involved with COVID19 - I have been in training for it -
This is so me!!! ...I'm in the process of trying to buy my first home (huge step!) and I get stuck in situations emotionally where I'm so overwhelmed with anxiety and stress, and I'm trying to please everyone, and I am flooded with advice and my phone and email are blowing up with communication (I literally text two people on occasion, and otherwise totally isolate as a usual habit). I can't drop the ball on any of this stuff, and I'm constantly between panic attacks and/ordisassociating, and on the weekend, I have a whole day to hide. I find myself trying to conceal my weakness and breakdowns, and when I'm vulnerable, I withdraw completely from anyone who actually cares about me. It's awful, and I'm trying so hard to unravel the patterns so that I can be present in my relationships and build a future with some stability and hope. When I get dysregulated, I retreat as quickly as possible until I can reregulate and return to relating and being in the world. It doesn't always work, and retreat isn't always an option. Yeesh.
Exactly perfect description, especially when one is taking a big step up (which is good, and oh well, it's going to get messy inside0. . I'm doubling down on my daily practice these days and it does help. I'm working on some very big things myself and I need that extra capacity within.
I am a 32 year old woman living with the parents who are my biggest triggers. I will often not even be able to bring myself to leave my room for fear of being forced to interact with my parents.
I'll be 30 in a couple of weeks and in the same situation. I hate being around my mom and if she's off from work, I'll stay in my room all day.
This must be hitting home, because I found myself shutting down (detaching) twice! Boundaries have always been a mystery to me. When someone asks me what I want, I draw a total blank, and worse, I feel quite anxious! I was raised by a mother who did not get custody and stole me anyway. My purpose in life was to please her, and if I didn't, it was the fist, belt, or fork. The few times I made the mistake of telling her how I felt, she said, "Oh, what a strange little child you are!" I grew up and moved to another state and ended up marrying an animal torturer/killer/wife beater and had children, who also grew up, some of them hating me even now because Daddy was grandiose so I was the problem. He wouldn't work or watch the kids, so I had to stay overwhelmed to pay the bills. Social Services didn't want me leaving the kids alone with Dad, which reduced my options to working from home. Wanting anything usually caused more trouble than it was worth. My friends tend to be somewhat pushy, not outright bullies, but I don't seem to mind others telling me what to do because I have no idea what I want, anyway! I went to therapy for years, working on self-esteem. I started a notebook and tried the DAILY EXERCISE for about 3 days and it didn't seem to do anything because meditation (going blank) seems totally impossible. Don't worry about my safety, the hubby ended up being sedated in the end and died of multiple brain abnormalities recently. Lots of people come cry on my shoulder because they can sense I won't judge them, but when you've had this strange a life, there aren't many shoulders for you outside of therapy, which costs $$$. Most people think you're either exaggerating or making things up.
So sorry you've been through all this. I really encourage you to just stick with the daily writing of fears and resentments. When and if you do ever want to meditate, don't try to make yourself "go blank" -- just close your eyes and rest. Anyone can do that! That's all there is to it. But just keep writing if that gives you relief.
Your encouragement is very uplifting and so greatly appreciated!!! Thank you, Dear!!!
I am in the process of breaking out of isolation right now... The first 25 years of my life were nothing short of a nightmare. The next 5 were a little better but still a lot of negatives. I am nearly 33 years old now and there are still some difficulties in my life but I am safer now so I am working on healing... and yes, I struggle very much with saying yes and no at the right times. I struggle with self hatred, which I tend to feel I fully deserve and also feel that I deserve to die slowly and painfully. I struggle with setting boundaries. And I sincerely struggle with self control, voice inflection, emotional regulation... I suck... And I don't know how to deal with my husband's angry outbursts and hateful words without being a horrible person myself or otherwise just being a doormat.
Thank you again for parsing out behaviors that I engage in ... it has sabotaged so many job opportunities and even as far as being able to envision what I can acheive. This really hits home.
Haven’t learned how to honor my sacred”Yes” and “No”.
I don't answer the door for anyone who doesn't call first. Ugh
That's a boundary don't feel guilty.
Thank you. I have my bad days where I don't want to socialize. For instance after church gets out and people are standing around talking. I sometimes am not feeling up to small talk and want to leave right away.
I SO know that feeling..
I definitely do this.
💛This is such a huuuge struggle for me. It's overwhelming to just think about tactfully asserting my boundaries.
I get it. It's difficult, but LIFE CHANGING once we learn how to do it. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I still struggle a lot with saying no, or even more precisely, "This doesn't work for me and here's why." A communication problem born of being raised in a community situation where saying no often resulted in a lot of rage and pushback from the people being told no. While after many years of therapy I've finally learned how to say an unambiguous "No" in most social situations, in professional situations-where the life stakes feel so much higher-I still struggle a great deal (I'm a writer).
More often than I'd like to recount I've ghosted people (editors, for example) rather than be honest that I can't write for that low of a rate, or that I can't turn a piece around in that short a time frame (especially for the aforementioned low rate). This has burned several professional relationships-professional isolation, I suppose-which in turn makes me anxious about endeavoring to initiate new ones, even as I have a great deal of talent (and some degree of success already, suggesting there is much further I could go with this).
So I'm really grateful to you for this video, that delineated so clearly where this disappearing/ghosting behavior comes from, that it's not that I'm a failure in an essential sense, only that I grew up in such a way that healthy boundary setting was not an option if I wanted to stay safe. But that I am safe now, and even if I disappoint people that's OK, if it means I keep healthy (in particular, by only doing work that is reflective of my worth, rather than feeling pressured to produce and taking a bad deal as a result).
Oh wow! I was outside in the yard hiding from the garbage man a couple weeks ago, cuz he was so nicely hanging around incase I would run out to bring up the dumpster. I was actually rolling on the ground to stay out of sight as he reluctantly pulled away. 😬😆
You sound like me! Hugs!
I had been thinking for so long that it was part of my nature as I'm an introvert . I had a traumatic childhood its because of that.
Thank u for the video
Yes, introversion is not the same as CPTSD, but many people with CPTSD are also introverts! My husband is an introvert and we balance each other nicely.
Wow. Never put these together. Makes so much sense!
2020 has been such a healing year for me. And now I found you and some practical tools to help he heal. Sending you blessing and much appreciation🙏
The world needs more Crappy Childhood Fairy (Anna Runkle). Your channel is a blessing.
Thank you @dreww1818!
Wow, you have just perfectly described my behaviors. This is the first time I have ever heard it put into words. I've known for quite a long time that I have an avoidant personality - now I have some understanding as to why. Maybe there is hope for me yet.
I don't go to faculty dinners because there are too many toxic people in my department, especially my boss.
Remember the song and video for Who Can It Be Now? by Men At Work...When I avoid answering the door, this seems to come into my mind...
:)
Hi - am brand new. I've been a hermit for 10 years. I use the excuse that I may be "toxic to others" - so I don't join in. In truth - I feel such shame - and guilt - I can't function. Can anyone point me to Anna's vids on ways to deal with shame and guilt? I think I have seen everything posted - but maybe not. I just started working the daily writing. Has anyone been so stuck they thought they'd never make it - and did? How did you make that change? Bless you all!
This is so good. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for listening
I really needed to hear this right now... Gonna watch it again to make sure it sinks in.
Glad you are here!
I moved to the country and have a large garden. For the first three seasons I did a lot of work outside, but now find that I'm so afraid to be seen by my neighbours that I've been neglecting it. This has been getting worse since the Covid lockdowns really got going, so I guess general anxiety was way up.
Great timing! Had lunch with an in law and was so annoyed that I over shared. I don’t hate on myself like I used to but still I surprise myself and thought I was past that.
Boy do I know that feeling!
I can so relate to this video Anna!......and my eyes have been opened😬
Reassuring when we realize we aren't all alone with this :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I wish someone would knock at my door! when they do , they usually want something!
Great video I like and experiencd what you said about taking care of yourself..the route of isolation..the reasons why isolation will increase I was unaware that some of the experiences I had last year was do to what you talked about in this video
Thanks for sharing!
YOUR VIDEOS ARE SOOOO FREAKING GOOD!!! I am actually such an extrovert and love connecting to people but hate answering the phone because I am scared that people will talk on and on haha and I can't hang up. People pleasing hello...
Yes!
Eye opening. Ty!
:)
Your wonderful, thank you. You are helping many.
Thank you for saying that -- big virtual hugs.
Thank you
trying to forgive myself for reacting to my covert narcissist father today, besides the awful feeling of being hoovered and my boundary ignored and stomped on again, i lost control of my self in front of others and i feel ashamed of that,
I totally understand! You're in the right place!
Sadly people at work who think I am not triggered if they personally did not do it. No awareness that when Hannah Baxter and her three children were immolated before the AVO hearing in March 2020 that it would trigger me. No awareness that I survived and escaped an environment where death was imminent, and I was making life and death decisions from before 5 years old. No idea that 'giving me a lesson' triggers me back into life and death choices. No awareness that I am triggered and traumatised. No awareness that when something like Hannah Baxtar or Rosie Battie happens that "I escaped that" and the trauma like in the movie Daniel that there were heaps of people who could see the signs and did nothing. I am alive. The man who did this is dead. Otherwise this posting would not exist. Thank you for your channel. I have shared your channel with my therapist, and tried to explain via this channel why some of her techniques worked. There are no words to explain the person who shoud have multiple personality disorder because they were literally making life and death decisions at 4 years old, but that their (my) environment was so unsafe they would have died if they could not keep track in the moment. Please do not delete. There is a layer of suffering to be shared, and very few who have survived, and even fewer who are able to share their story.
Thank you for your great teaching! The one thing I don’t understand is why the need to isolate when one suffers from CPTSD? I’m still doing this at age 59 - leaving the work party super early, not going out to work events, being afraid of any get-together.
Perhaps with some of the tools I teach you can better pinpoint what is going on. I understand how frustrating it can be, more courses here: crappychildhoodfairy.com/
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm currently in an ocean of symptoms, kinda isolating, but i managed to draw a strict boundary with my sister, when she controlingly asked what am i going to do, what is my plan after i messed up with my studies. I just said i'm not gonna discuss it with her because it's my bussines. She then asked "oh, so are we keeping secrets now?" And i just replied that if she trully wants to help here's how she can. Well, she couldn't. Then i proceeded with "do you have anything else to comunicate to me? If not, the conversation is over".
Sėkmės!
Thankyou
This is so right on for me...I'm learning better boundaries and this video is so helpful.
Thank you!
Such a good video! I'm glad it came up as recommended, following your video on the topic today of isolation and loneliness. Great point that people who don't show up when they say they will are isolating too. That helps to understand them, even if it might also mean letting them go if it happens often enough, or at important times. I'm still working on setting boundaries. My biggest problems with it are fear of confrontation, and fear of angering or hurting someone. But the closer I get, the more freeing it is to know I can set appropriate boundaries when I need to. I'm a work in progress.
Try the Daily Practice :). bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I'm trying it. So far I don't notice a difference but I'm committed to trying it for 7 days and then see how I feel :)
Isolation behaviour explains some of my behaviours in the past. This was enlightening
I isolate because setting boundaries drains my energy. It hurts at a core level to stand up for myself. I then get angry. I isolate so that i dont have to feel angry or drained. There is no one who can change this but me, i know this. For now i feel that it is bringing me peace until i have the strength to work on it.
You're suggestions are all so helpful and give sparks of hope rhat you really can heal from this childhood trauma stuff.
I have a colleague who would really benefit from daily writing but due to hand injuries is unable to write for more than a minute or so. Any suggestions?
OK to type or do voice in that situation, or do voice dictation while dragging fingers on a surface, just to feel the friction.
I want to hug this lady. 🤗
I definitely struggle with setting boundaries .l also struggle with knowing other people's boundaries if they don't clearly communicate them
Hi Yes I have a doozy today. I have a 30 year old friendship who I distanced from when I expressed a political choice and she forbad me to say his name. I was perfectly happy for many months, felt that the friendship had reached an end anyway until my birthday when she sent me a card and small present. Hmmmm. Now this has brought up complicated feelings. I have decided just to politely acknowledge and thank her for the gift but not go all pally again. However, my guilt then kicks in and she is now 'living in my mind rent free'. Well I analysed this and would like your opinion. This guilt is unresolved anger the 'how dare you' part of my withdrawing from the situation. So the solution is not to apologise, although I am ready for a third party to get involved and explain the dynamics that other inappropriate behaviours happened around the time of her throwing the fit, and that they need to be addressed. But not in lockdown. However, I have to work on forgiveness and I obviously have not forgiven her for not allowing me to express my feelings, or for the blocking my phone calls after. All Woke stuff. My conclusion then is to be polite, not get drawn back into the relationship, work on healing the wound and forgiving her and letting it go and being thankful for the good times we had - quite a long time ago. I was hoovered back into a relationship with my mother so many times by bunches of flowers and regret it very much. When I finally did make the break, she apologised and we had a genuine reconciliation. So prayers for forgiveness, if ever an equal playing field is offered I am happy to reconcile, but the ghosting phone calls afterwards were very painful - this was in lockdown and she is aware of my depression. Forgiveness is getting easier and easier as I realise how often I have offended. Thank you I feel clearer already and will be able to work today. third week on your channel.
I would suggest you try the Daily Practice course I created which is free...this is an excellent tool for examining what we are really upset and hurt about. crappychildhoodfairy.com/ Good luck, thanks for commenting!
I thought I had good boundaries because I don't agree to things I don't want to do, but I generally... just don't agree. Anything with responsibilities, chance of success, just most things.
Anna.. I feel so behind/bad at boundaries.. or really just having a sense of self.. It's not just about saying no. I have actually gotten better at that. It's about my mind and body feeling like they jump out of my body and into others.. It's not just that I struggle with boundaries. I struggle to stay in my own body/sense of self, to know what I want, to not feel badly for what I think and feel.. let alone know how to assert that around others, or just express myself freely and flowingly. Let alone enjoy others and their expression. And kind of even crappier than that.. is you probably wouldn't think that about me.. I have done a lot of work and many times can come off as having boundaries. But it's a constant battle in my mind and body. And many times it's just too much energy to be around people. It takes too much out of me. I love people and they are my biggest struggle. I really appreciate your videos. Sometimes I feel like.. there is a piece missing in CPTSD/trauma healing info in general.. For people like me that have such little foundation for sense of self in their bodies/minds/emotions. Healthy sense of self. I feel like the trauma info out there assumes you have this basis of functioning and that the struggle is just setting boundaries. What about battling just to convince your nervous system and brain that you are allowed to be a separate self? What that feels like? Looks like? How to do that around others? .. Rambling now.. I think a big part of my coping skills were such extreme passivity, acquiescence, appeasement, dissociation, freezing.. that my sense of self is so crippled. There is also a part of me that is furious about it all.
I think I under-react a lot.. I think that's something I'd appreciate understanding more about.
I went through serious brainwashing from the age of 9, while already growing up in a violent alcoholic family. I get what you're saying. After 15 years I was able to break free, took 4 therapists 6 months to get through to me. But once I was free I realized I didn't know who I was. Did I like this because my abuser did, or because I did?
My advice to you is this, start small. Like with movies or music. Pick a category like movies and say what kind of movies interest me? How do they make me feel? Why? Do I like those feelings? What do those feelings do to or for me? Like maybe thrillers are too intense and make you anxious, and that is okay. So maybe you prefer comedies, and that is okay. Give yourself permission to feel how you want. Own those feelings, then if you don't like them you can identify why and work on them, becoming the person you want to be.
Maybe find characteristics in others you admire, and begin to adapt those yourself. This way you are creating who you want to be. And the beauty is you can always change something you don't like about yourself. In a way it's not a bad place to be where you are, because it's like a clean slate. And you can become whomever you want to be. 🤗🌷
@@justseekingtruth3998 Really good suggestions!!
@@justseekingtruth3998 I appreciate you comment. You mentioned "brainwashing" errasing our sense of self. I am still on a hunt for such information. I did it all, willingly and unwillingly: the iron curtain regime, then a strict protestantism, gross type of family alcoholism, then was married to a narcissist. Now, divorced, no longer with the religious group, I take baby steps to find who I am really am without all that noices and storms around my head. Do my music (previously was brainwashingly forbidden), knowing many excellent speakers on youtube and spent whole Ozzie summer studying these topics.
its funny in a way how its easier for me to calmly and confidently say no or set boundaries with strangers but it's so much harder for me to do that with close family and friends
We may have more fears about how people close to us perceive us- more entanglement and history there.
i feel safe listening to your vids
Makes my heart so happy to hear this. You're always safe here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Thanks for your amazing videos. They really hit home. I have a Bachelors in Psychology and have noticed a few new disorders and treatments since I was in college. I always thought depression and anxiety was really OCD caused by a fear of failure and need to be perfect. The black and white thinking we used to call it, and always associated my problems with having a mother who was very critical of me. My dad put a lot of pressure on me too but passed away suddenly when I was in college. In your experience, is it usually a toxic mom or absent dad that affects the psyche of a young child more? And curious if age of a child makes a difference. Thanks!
Thanks for your kind words. I think there is probably research that supports either conclusion on what hurts kids most, and I doubt there is a definitive answer. Each person is different in how they cope. Some of us are protected from a bad event because there was a grandparent or teacher or family friend who helped us through it with our spirits intact. I try not to think of "parents" and "us" as two tribes. That may be true when we are children, but now that we're grown ups, we will get the absolute best bang for the buck focusing on healing ourselves -- our won dysregulation partterns, our own self-defeating behaviors. A lot of my trauma was caused by me in my teens and young adulthood, and a lot of my healing has come from repairing that!
Hi CCF, I love this video. Please could you make a video about discernment and how to know whether or not you should mend broken family relationships or not. Crappy stuff that happens in your childhood is one thing, but a co-dependent relationship with a family member in adulthood is another. Is it okay to distance yourself from them?
To request a live response from Anna, please be as specific as possible and email your question to hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com. Type 'Ask the Fairy' in the subject line to indicate you are interested in the question being made into a video.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you ❤
Oh man, I do worse that not answer! When I’m not feeling up to it, I have looked they the window to determine who was knocking, them seeing me and knowing that I know they’re at my door, and then NOT answering the door! I then tell myself it’s the same as not answering a telemarketer calling my phone. 😮😢
Thank you for this film Anna grace ranckel. Its like having an american tutor/kind mother. I have strong boundaries, but i hold to them in a diplomatic manner.
I feel so sorry for your traumatic past. I feel your pain. My mind mirror you.
What do you mean you were physically attacked and held at a gun point?
You survived so many hardships/adversities, yet, you are all so nice/kind a person.
My best friend is a lot like you.
Do you have superhuman powers?
Are you a psychic?
Do you have mind reach?
Saying no has to do with personal preferences, not just added responsibilities. This is an AHA moment!
The only thing that I want to see and bond with is my pajamas! Ha
I am also still struggling with isolation, in a new way, as an adult.... I get hopeless at the compounded abuse, and my attempts in therapy and 12 step groups resulting in being afraid to seek help again. Therapist leaves after two years without any closure. Lots of things. I have been another unescapable situations as an adult, including being sent and stuck in a rehab facility which was a cult cover group. Scientology. I was lied to and manipulated and for the first time ever in my life, allowed another family member to convince me that I should trust my parents and tell them that I want to go to rehab.... They go by a different name, lie about the program.
Lots of fear based isolation. I shared a couple of experiences... Also know that what you say is true.
Trying to learn from experiences, and I have just gotten very disillusioned. Compounding buy a sibling's death, narcissistic parents who blamed their children for everything.
So much that I have experience, that it can sound like I am living in blame and excuses when these are very real experiences.
I guess I know that I can go somewhere, and like you say, I can leave... Going to a meeting for example and feeling uncomfortable, making a decision to leave early....
.... This inherent believe that relationships and good lives, even positive transformation, is meant for other people. Simply can't be true for me. I guess realizing that this some sort of foundation.
Since I got out of the psychotic home I grew up in, on my own accord, fiercely Independent, when I was 18... I didn't even have the idea of the abuse or trauma in my vocabulary. Adult relationship where my life was absolutely in danger.
So how can I get rid of this idea that I am magnetized to narcissists
.... Fighting a battle on my soul and my life, that feeling, ..
It feels impossible. Improbable.
Hi E. Rock, forgive me for being a broken record, but the thing that is the MOST POWERFUL tool I've ever found for getting free is the Daily Practice. There's a free course you can access on my website. Nothing else has worked for me, and now thousands of Fairy fans are using it too. Nothing to lose, right? crappychildhoodfairy.com
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Yes ya know what? What do I have to lose ? Thank you, thank you so much. Let me just click on that link and see where it takes me
My mother punished me (read publicly humiliated) for trying to have boundaries - it was very bad manners and selfish!
Makes good sense.
I prefer not to know people personally because the more you get to know them the more they open up to you.
Then you get to hear how they really feel about other people which is really disappointing to realize. That they don't like others a whole lot including you .Very pessimistic people now a days..
What if you have reached the stage where no one even bothers you so you don't get the opportunity to say no or practice setting boundaries?
If you are truly not bothered, I suppose you wouldn't need to.
-Cara@TeamFairy
that's partly why I am alone in Thanksgiving and it's depressing
One question that I want you to ask.
Can complex trauma cause social anxiety and depersonalization?
Yes, I have read that this is the case.
When children are raised in a hostile environment their mind is wired to survive that environment that person has no say so in the matter it's how humans evolved over millions of years the family the village protected one another tight bonding was crucial for their survival. Today modern conveniences do not require that we bond to the village in order to survive the social safety net provides that safety but does little to help the individual adjust to its environment. Children who come from traumatic environments miss the whole point of what it is to be alive to be a human being with freedom of thought traumatized children operate on a negative level that prevents them from seeing the beauty of life or even taking advantages of opportunities that come their way throughout life. A survival style mind that was frozen in a brutalizing environment struggles with social economic opportunities that life presents every day they see it as overwhelming stress. Survival style children cling to the for sure things that are not necessarily the best choices for them because their choices have been minimized due to trauma those dramatic events have been compartmentalized but never integrated in the mind like a non-traumatized mind does's like a big ball of twine the has to be unwound layer by layer. Trauma causes a tunnel vision like existence unable to function in a world that requires full integration of the mind a real-time existence dealing with all the emotional mental processes that go on in a normal every day experience making it impossible for traumatized mines to function at high levels of stress drives them crazy. Consequently taking that lesser job willing to sacrifice their own needs to what appears to be safe harbor but in actuality becomes a trap. Because there minds have been hardwire to survive in an environment that no longer exists the neural pathways were never developed causing the mind to see everything in a distorted manner becoming a social outcast or a good chameleon a master of hiding your true feelings and that causes addictions. Then if you're lucky enough perhaps you develop enough to see those things usually at great loss and great emotional pain that possibly wakes a person up they are easily triggered because of the un-damning of the compartmentalized mind overwhelming them emotionally giving them the appearance of mental illness but in actuality it's their mind adjusting to new neural pathways that were never developed. The injustice they received growing up by people who brutalized them categorize them as if it was their fault they were traumatized making them believe they were crazy but in reality it was the abusers who were the perpetrators. Consequently then their minds were hardwired to a survival style. That's how you wake up its a long long road.
The only thing that I can say that's helped me over the years is mindfulness forcing myself to stay present when my mind is triggered by ass holes watching my mind feed on negative emotions an abyss that begs you to fall in a cesspool of insanity with all your strength standstill and become the witness to your own craziness. Just my opinion have a wonderful day
The effed up thing if you are an isolator and someone reaches out if you read the context about the offer the benefit is ALL about them; to give them advice, help them move, all at their convenience. Not to make you feel better and get you out of the house - not that it always should be but 9/10 for an isolator someone coming to you wants something that's all. Heres the issue for the isolator, the lack of trust, doubting ones self, yet desperate to not be lonely and get rid of cabin fever we typically give in all the while the event in question is DRAINING on so many levels and you don't feel uplifted whether that's because you could barely get a word in, and the experience was less enjoyable than home surroundings. Horrible! I can't figure out how to make friends yet I'm dying of loneliness. My parents can rot in hell for doing this to me. Also what's horrid for most cptsd sufferers is that they have no family so the friends around them are their family yet the friends don't hold that cptsd sufferer at the same calliber. I wouldn't wish this hell on my worst enemy.
In the past 2 years I've noticed isolation has accelerated to the point that I have only 1 friend I see left now. And that too is affected with dysregulation and occasional arguments. I don't feel "depressed" about it, but I do notice that my social life has ground to a total halt. Strangely, and this is what I can't work out, when I do try to connect with people, and people I've always been friendly with and had no problem with, they never seem to have time for me or make an effort. I've noticed it's even that when I try and make appointments with people for things I even wish to buy: they're not available or don't take my calls! So weird! It's making me think that there is something "wrong" with my "energy" - I see it as energetic and psychic - even when I am so open and nice to people? How? Why? It's so weird! It's very confusing. I agree with many of the comments on here where people say they can't tolerate small talk or people whining. I feel the same. People who are complaining or those who only talk about themselves have become impossible for me to connect with and because I find so many people these days who are like that, I have isolated myself in order to find some kind of peace and not to be triggered by what feels to me like a widespread Societal narcissism. How much of it is me and how much of it is societal? I would rather be alone than around whiners, the self-obsessed or the obsessively needy. I just want peace and calm. Too much noise or having to be centre-stage also dysregulates me. It's as if the meaninglessness of the world has been revealed to me in a Sudden swoop! What is confusing is that I don't feel upset or depressed about this seeming isolation. I quite enjoy my solitude most of the time (but not all of the time). So it's not as simple as EITHER isolation OR socialising. Or it being ME or OTHERS! It's not black and white. But yes, because it is varying shades of grey, it's very confusing.
Hmm. The last couple of years have escalated the negativity among people, it does seem like. Maybe you're outgrowing the people you'd normally hang around?
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy spot on!
I hide all the time. I stopped answering the phone. Even getting a text message gives me severe anxiety. I hate WhatsApp.
@@rubytuesday7653
Because when I use it to answer my daughter or mother or someone when I have to, other people can see that I’m “online” & start bombarding me with messages asking why I’m not answering them. Even on invisible mode, they still see 2 (grey) check marks & everyone assumes/knows that you’ve read their message or at least you’ve seen that they sent you a message. There’s no “invisible” mode like with Skype & it’s very intrusive.
I prefer old fashioned sms messages & are actually more likely to respond to them. I feel less pressure. Someone needs to make a messaging app for introverts.
@@rubytuesday7653 🙂
I get that I’m not physically trapped, but I’ve stupidly gotten myself financially trapped…again. My business partner is pressuring me for a relationship and I’m only separated and financially free from my SO.
This is hard af for me I feel like something is wrong with me I have always been around garbage ass people fake friends and have nobody so the choices I have made has been work and I’m really not trying to victimize myself … it’s hard to maintain work because of it and just relationships in general. I just contacted a therapist hoping it will help if not I’m going to get a life coach…
I do not see myself as a people Pleaser, but im definitely an isolationist as you said to the point where it has gotten bad..
I do have this problem with saying yes and no though and i always would get myself in trouble ..because i would always say yes to to many things and then always fail and be late or mess it up somehow..(so ending up pissing people off when not saying no was me trying to avoid that) does this sound familiar?does this fall in this category? Or for example a freind asked me to come over and help her with cooking..and another friend of hers was there ,talking to me ..non stop .. I didnt want to be rude to her and make her feel bad..so i stayed and listened .. Meanwhile feeling bad that i wasnt helping my friend .. Once the woman finally stopped talking i went in and my friend told me ..thanks for coming ,you can go now.. !!
(in a very calm normal voice.. )
I was like huh!!!what?? Oh my gosh! I said im so sorry i just honestly didnt know how to walk away ..it seemed so easy in retrospect..i should have just said ,sorry i have to go help my friend .. But no..i did not do that..and ended up upsetting my friend :( (i feel pretty hopeless ,,but finding you has givin me some hope back..thank you Anna)
I have this problem big time and I don’t know how to change this
Hello do you have any advice for PTSD supporter when someone with PTSD push supporter away and not much contact in few months?
Hi, sorry you're going through that. If someone doesn't want you around, I'd encourage you to respect that and move on, as sad as that may be.
makes, sense
its ok..to say No
spouse, conflicts with me to no End
spouse says yes to anything
drives me insane!!!! anger
then further abuses occur
night mare !!! relationship!!!!!
Your poems are so sweet :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
AYUP!! I'm a people pleaser!!
:)
Also, a knife to my throat too. That situation I couldn't get out of.
i make music,, jimmy giant. ive no problems conversing with people,, i love them ...i dont avoid them at all, because i feel people deeply,, i know them,,,,
good advice, glad to hear affirmation, I never hid so I did not fall into the isolation trap and at my age I know myself well enough to say YES or NO or 'ain't none of your damn concern'. Thanks Crappy Childhood Fairy!
Yay! You got it.
Anna I’m going through a very severe time. Would it be possible to speak to you at all?! X
Hi @Gavin_Mumby -- sorry for delay getting back to you, right when you're going through a hard time! I wish I could do one-on-ones but right now my time is just too full (hence the late replies). I welcome e-mails. And as you may know, people who take my free course are invited to regular Zoom calls with me, where I take questions. I also have paid courses and an extended coaching program coming out soon. I hope to meet you soon, and I hope
Wow, I had a gun pointed at my head once too
I hide from children wanting to cut my grass
Those interactions can be tedious, especially with unhealed CPTSD
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow. This is me. :/
I think it's all of us, if that's any comfort!
WTF? You were held at gunpoint!? Who are you hanging with?! I spent my childhood in a very rough part of town, the 1st thing I did was get the hell outta there. Stand up for yourself, YOU are the most important person in this WHOLE WORLD!
Oh dear, I scared people! I just answered a similar concern from another poster... I live in one of the nicest neighborhoods ever, but I live in the SF Bay Area, and sh*t happens. I got mugged at gunpoint once in the early 90s.It was in Oakland, and it's a rough town! I was just getting out my car and going in the house and got mugged. The other event, an attack on the street, didn't involve guns. My point was, these are two incidents in my WHOLE adulthood where I didn't have a choice about what was happening! All the rest of my adulthood, I've been free to make choices. I've made plenty of bad ones, but no one "did" that to me.
Twice at gunpoint !?
You have some bad JuJu following you. 😲
I have pretty good Juju overall, and it was "only" once at gunpoint. Another time, attacked on the street. I live in the SF Bay Area and if you get out there and live, sh*t happens sometimes. My point was that these are the only two times I didn't have a choice about what I was doing, what was happening.
Why are you in my head
Don't worry, I'm not!
True @ lorraineamicothemakeupartist