When A Narcissist Confuses Love With Ab*se 💔
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- Опубликовано: 10 сен 2024
- In this video I read a description of how abusers confuse their actions with their own version of love. Book: Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Enjoy 🌈
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Best quote from Bancroft: "YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you-as will happen to any abused woman from time to time-he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are."
This is 100% accurate! I see a lot of myself in this book and I also see many of the men I dated/had relationships with. I wish everyone would read this book, not only for their own safety but to also self reflect on their own behaviors.
Good morning, have a great day, Sarah! I'm always happy to wake up to a new video from you
"I care about you, just do what I say, think what I think."
"I only wish the best for you, that's why I push you to be your best"
Are some examples of abusive love that comes to mind. I guess It's all relative to the reciever, you allow us to treat you how you want to be treated.
Hi Sarah. Lundy is a guy who used to deal with male domestic abusers in group settings. Most were court appointed into the group, but some went because their SO threatened leaving and divorce. Good book, but its focus is the male domestic abuser, so fairly hard-core violent men who are also psychologically and emotionally destructive.
10:20-ish.
I had to put off watching this video for quite some time because I wasn't ready to watch It before, just seeing the title.
Had a boyfriend at 15 that was 18, lived in my building. At one point, I was hog-tied with a vacuum cord for hours because I was dumb enough to break up(or try, anyway) while we were alone at his apartment. That was just before the real assault was gonna happen.
He still reaches out through our one mutual friend every few years just to tell me that he still thinks of me and hopes for a reconciliation 30 years later.
@@lisarodriguez6966 Not to make you uncomfortable but I bet he daydreams about what he did to you and has probably done the same if not worse to others. I’m glad you see through that BS.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE I have is dreams of him too, every decade or so. He's always pursuing me through dark mazes. Not hard to interpret that.
I'm sure he thinks of all the violent, very much Non consensual "loads" I'll call them with fondness. He was so beautiful, like Lou Diamond Phillips in his prime. There's been so many after me and he even had a daughter. That he's court ordered to stay away from, I think. What a monster, but he was so severely abused as a kid there was no real hope, anyway. I just pity him from very far away, when I think of him at all.
Souls drowned out by egos.
So sad.
There's no "light" in their eyes.
Truth?
Seeing none in yours is disturbing my spirit so I'm gonna go.
Im sorry but i can literally FEEL the darkness
But thanks for your point of view, luv.
Thank you Sara. ❤🩹
Omg this is crazy cuz my ex literally thinks that there's such a thing as "toxic love" 😭😭 I think it's bc I took legal action so he's hurt by that . And he literally emailed me the other day after 4 years... He wants "closure" I didn't reply I hope he stops omg !! ? And I think he has a long term gf...
Many people wish they could get hoovered. Lol Just keep blocking new accounts. Having a new partner means NOTHING. You know this.
Im not a narcisist but i think i might have borderline or something cause yes i confuse abuse with love so much is enfuriating
You could also be suffering with C-ptsd. ruclips.net/video/DlMkaMkig8Y/видео.htmlsi=XRM179nd3U2jw5cq
Every man and woman have unique body that not the same of any other, your matbolism is unique to you only, you can’t compare your metabolism with anther person, man or woman, it specific and unique to your ganetic system, every body have unique body that can’t compare with other people,it’s fact, it’s from my experience in life, I start to eating rise with milk every day without vegetables and without fruits, and without meat and I lose weight, because my body can’t handle with all the stuff that I eat before, but it unique to my body only.
Poor little brains :( so sad. So so sad. It’s humanity’s greatest tragedy - generational trauma.
So excited about this topic but with ADHD it is soooo hard to digest long content without timestamps/ a visual map. Requesting timestamps for all the other ADHDers who love your content too!!!❤❤❤
I don't know how to do that! I also have ADHD so I know what you mean. Sometimes I have to pause videos and come back to them later (has 12 tabs open on laptop).
Lundy Bancroft is a male writer not a woman.
Hilarious!!!! I totally read it like the writer is a woman bc the men kept attacking "him" in group like he was below them. So I assumed he was a she.
I learned about this only last week, haha. His RUclips lectures are great by the way.
I remember the first time we got intimate in bed, my five-year long relationship with a covert narcissist started when she eerily and lovingly whispered in my ear before we went to sleep, "you're a glutton for punishment."
Man, did I pay dearly for that, for not believing what she said was real or not.
Just to know what you're dealing with, I overheard her say over the years on a couple occasions, that she likes to corrupt others and that she likes to be corrupted. Who says that?
@@sirphil13 She sees others as objects to be used for her pleasure and she doesn’t care about herself so she allows herself to be corrupted/used by others.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE I wanted to add that one day she was showing me her family album, some pages had pictures of her past boyfriends. These guys were the leaders in their rock n roll bands. The beginning pictures, they looked like strong alpha males, vibrant, purposeful, and I thought hell I am in good company with her choices. Towards the end of the picture pages with her past boyfriends, these men lost a lot of weight, looked lifeless next to her, a distraught look in their eyes... she didn't know it at the time, but I was thinking...Holy shit, is that what's going to happen to me one day?
@@sirphil13 Their self loathing is engrained in their brain. It is who they are and that is what they transfer to others after love bomb. Good that we can learn about it now through Cluster B and others. Sam called narc a virus that erodes whoever it attaches, a biological fact in the living world....
@@sirphil13 They put you high in the beginning, to distact your attention that they are actually predators/machines to destroy you. They feed of you and than move to another.
After love bomb, I remember my ex BPD came so strongly at me ( I am very calm and stable person) almost psyhotic to attack me that I am not worth as much as I think???
Since than, there were many more attacks... but I never reacted and he thought I agree with him.
Luckily not, and I discarded him, he did not notice...
So it was 30 years ago, his wife got cancer etc.
I am sooo lucky I sensed that he was actually mad.
Luckilly I did not beleived what he was talking to me and about me.
Pure hatred 1000%
He now looks the same as you discribed those guys in the pictures.
If they don't distroy you they destroy themselves.
Virus do what virus is programed to do.
Unbeliveably, they REALLY don't know what they are actually, they think they are some sort of kings and queens. But they are muggots eating carcases :(((
Sorry, no ofence tp CLuster B. I love your work and you as a person minus narcissism 😘🤩
You do know what you’re talking bout💕luv u
Dear Sara, this is going to be a bit soppy today because I'm feeling things better and clearer than usual just now. The last few days were rough and due to some (legal!) shrooms I was capable to access deep emotions that I couldn't access before. Lion's mane mushroom will do that for you, I've heard that from others as well (I'm not necessarily recommending or promoting that, it's just a personal experience.). It seems to have the ability to tear down emotional walls that I didn't even know I had up and to help me understand and feel things more deeply, albeit not in an exaggerated , but in a realistic way. I'm just not numb anymore.
When I was younger , I was able to feel so strongly and felt so alive. That went more and more away until I felt barely anything anymore. Now, it feels like I'm finding my soul again underneath thousands of layers of cement that calloused over my soul over the years in order to protect it from all the verbal vitriol and paper cuts, the metaphorical machete strikes and the malstroem of secrets and deceit. This is a healthy process (if done responsibly and without overdoing it), but it is draining. I just want to say I fucking love you, girl, and I am SO grateful. The way you're making us all feel stronger, the way you are genuinely rooting us on, with pompoms and a miniskirt as you once said, it all comes across as super dedicated and sincere. You really mean what you say and you mean your support, I'm convinced of it. We're all in this together, making the world a slightly better place, one realisation and one healthy step in the right direction at the time. Have a wonderful day. Namaste.
I appreciate the comment! We are rooting for each other and people like us who want to stop the cycle and find some peace. It's a lot more peaceful when you give up control over other people.
Very true! ❤️
Great vIdeo Sara can i possibly ask your advice on this please ? Me and my ex girl friend Covert Narc PTSD of 3 half years got engaged 6 weeks agobthen we had a blazing row and split up she used the row as an excuse for final disgard...The realtionship was very push/pull over the years wuth her cutting me off and me doing the chasing esp after love bomb stage. ..Anyway i chased her for 2 weeks, she blocked me then unblocked me , i reached out she read it but ghosted me do i had a go at her later , she said, 'just because i unblocked uou doesnt mean i want to talk to you now leave me alone , then 3 days later she blocked me again...I gave up chasing and dated a new woman i posted it a few times on facebook , despite being blocked we have mutusl frirnds in facebook , all of a sudden shes posting quotes on her wall about , ' its great to be free. ' ' And theres no lasting peace like inner peace..' And , 'theres nothing more awedome than a woman about to rise up again' is this based at me ? Why post it for ? What are your thoughts please Sara ?
Why are you posting your REBOUND on social media? You wanted the information to get back to her (I understand). Her posts are to make you also believe that she has moved on like you have. The problem with these types of relationships is that you can be angry at your person one minute then want them back the next. But the cycle doesn't stop. YOU have to stop it. So get rid of your mutuals, stop stalking her or letting others stalk her for you, and focus on healing your core wounds or you're going to hurt this new girl too (You're just using her anyway).
It is soooo clear that it was a burden to him to shows me some interest or caring manner when he came back and wanted to have sex...so so clear to me, most of the time. And I felt ashamed to see that, but stay anyway.
He kept me secret because I am ( from his point of view/ fantasy dream) above him on physical appearence or I have to say, his capacity to have much more beautiful women.
When he was pondering to take me in to share his apartment, he overtly said that it was good to split the bills but then asked me if I was ok to ear him fu*** other women in his bedroom 😱
A bit off topic Sara...but...how can I tell if he is a narc/border man or just a narc? What are the big differences?
Tks.
He kept you a secret so he can look single. He wants you to pay half the bills and f*kc other women? LOL No, ma'am. That's a no. He only cares about lying to you to get his needs met. He also sounds sadistic, knowing that sex with other women would hurt you. Stop making excuses to keep this garbage human in your life. He doesn't respect you.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE
Unfortunately, trough him I've discovered that I am also toxic, but not at his level of perversion.
I recently saw a lecture of a national famous psychiatrist about perversion.
He said a perverted mind want to be above the humans laws but more important he want to reduce the law to his personal will of lust. He makes his own laws. He is complete, anti communal, hates the desire because desire means lack. Hates love because it means to relate to another human being. He is a master, a ruler and with his patronizing tone he shows you how to live. ( In fact perverted people have great appeal to nevrotics such as borderline people who la lacks identity). He pushes sexuality to the limit ( sometimes to death ) and wants to generate anguish on the other.
It seems a well painted picture of him.
I've blocked him 1 month ago after caught him cheating. But I am not completely free in my mind.
More from the book and your perpective
For sure. Now I understand why people call narcissists "covert", like they're purposely sneaky with their manipulations. Sh*t, I didn't even know I was doing half the stuff I was reading about. It's a real eye opener for me and I know it would be an awakening for others to self reflect on their own behaviors.
You are awesome and your videos are so insightful. I hope you don't get offended but for accuracy, Lundy Bancroft is male...
I found this out through another commenter....oops. Lol
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE you're still amazing 💕
Lundy Bancroft does not understand what it is like to loose control, when I loose control then I either, throw something, spit, yell, raise my fist, hurt myself or punch thing or my dad but even when I loose control then I have never punched a woman because I would not do that to a woman, but I am still obviously loosing control so when she said that if he does not loose control becuase he does not unalive himself then she is worng since you can loose control without loosing control completely
@@jwilleseries7764 He’s saying that if you can control yourself from doing the extreme, then you can control yourself over everything. He does speak about those with personality disorders and other mental health issues as well; when it comes to psychological abuse being unconsciously inflicted at times.
CBT helps. If you’re not getting triggered, you’re not getting angry.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE I suppose that make sense as I get out of control due mental health issue So If he is not talking about people with mental health issues going out of control then It kind of make sense. When I get out of control then I really get out of control even though I am not completely out of control