2023 Adult Championships - Adult Gold Emotional Performance I - “Brother”

2023 Adult Championships - Adult Gold Emotional Performance I - “Brother” (5th place - 18.52)
On the second day of the 2023 Adult Champs, I was asked about my most memorable skating moment. What I didn’t know was that less than 24 hours later, my answer would change.
Jeremy was my only sibling. He couldn’t walk, stand, or speak words. I became his legal guardian when I turned 21. There were many things he couldn’t do, but there were 2 things he could always do: he could love and he could understand.
On February 25, 2013, my dad called and said, “Jeremy is dying.” I collapsed in the stairwell of my office. I was unable to breathe, think, or feel. My supervisor Amie Bressers Hoag looked after me until it was time to go to the airport. 10 years later, I felt ready to revisit that day.
The scarf belonged to Jeremy (I made it for him). I wore the blue velvet dress in one of our final photos together. At the beginning of the program, I hold out my right hand. On my right ring finger is an amethyst “Jeremy ring.” I’ve worn it every day for the past decade as a symbol of my love and my pain.
The night before this performance, I slept for 3 hours. While stretching in the locker room, I felt an overwhelming feeling of nausea and couldn’t bring myself to consume lunch (anyone who knows me knows that I never, ever miss a meal). On the 5-minute warmup, I felt like I was on autopilot. I was the final skater, so after warming up, I had to wait about 6 minutes. During that time, I contemplated withdrawing. Instead, I turned to Dianna-lynne and said, “I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.” I repeated this mantra over and over again until it was my turn, and she kept reassuring me that I could in fact do it.
My name was called and I returned to the darkest day of my life. Figuratively, I collapsed in the stairwell. I went to my starting spot and teleported to another planet. The music started and 10 years of pain poured out of me. I followed the planned choreography up until the salchow+mazurka. After the mazurka, I just did whatever I could to stay vertical and complete the program even if it meant leaving out several planned movements. I did the final jump, I realized that my hands couldn’t stop shaking. Just like in 2013, I was unable to breathe, think, or feel. As I heard the audience applaud, I returned to Earth.
Thank you to Wendy Bauer, Dianna-lynne Wells, Gloria Leous, Castella Copeland, and Cheryl Morrison for immediately appearing rinkside and supporting me after I skated. I could barely stand and these people kept me afloat until I could breathe again. Then, I looked up to the balcony and saw my friend Stephanie Hao crying. I later learned that many other audience members were crying, too. They understood my pain. Just like Jeremy, they could love and they could understand.
In a group of 8 skaters, I placed 5th and missed the podium by .56 points. Regardless of my score or placement, I achieved the ultimate goal. Instead of collapsing at the bottom of a stairwell, I was brave enough to climb to the top.
To every single person who took the time to be physically present in the arena or watched this moment on the livestream: thank you for your support. It means everything.