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What does marriage and a long term relationship look like with a love avoidant! | Coach Court
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- Опубликовано: 14 авг 2024
- In this video, Coach Courtney Gatlin talks about what you'll see from an avoidant in marriage and a long term relationship.
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On my journey of healing, I came across 5 books that changed my life and I want to share them.
You can get them here:
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment - Amil Levine: amzn.to/3L1BERs
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Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Inner Child - John Bradshaw: amzn.to/3L6K2iA
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Learn more about the Dismissive Avoidant Attachment with this PLAYLIST:
• The Dismissive Avoidan...
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#dismissiveavoidant #coachcourt #breakups #healing #anxiouspreoccupied
I dont see how they make it to the point of marriage in the 1st place tbh.
I agree. How does a true avoidant even get to the place of enough consistency and peace to actually even propose and follow through? Deal
the partner’s family, wedding plans, moving in together, etc. @coachcourt can you maybe make a video that answers this? I rarely hear stories about avoidants and how they got that far and what that process was like leading up to proposal and a wedding
When they find an anxious enough partner with no self awareness, they get the attention they really want and someone they can control.
Family pressure to get married
"Moves and counter moves". They are liars.
I did this. I married a DA. He left within a year. He said he married me to make me less needy and more secure........I wasn't aware of this reason.
Thank you for this video, it’s needed. I’ve been in this on and off relationship with my DA for years, this last time span has been 5 years. I am emotionally depleted. I’m grateful that I have my own home and I very independent. I am almost at 2 month no contact (this round) with him and mentally don’t feel I could handle another round of everything you said and more. Plus my DA has a mild brain injury and I think he is even more a DA than ever before. My struggle is I keep thinking about all the cruel things he has said and how he turns things around and constantly blame. I didn’t even respond to his last text because. . . . why? I’m done with it. I love him, I pray for him but I want something better for my life. I’m in therapy. I plan to be single for as long as it takes. Emotionally I’m broken and empty. I wish I would of stayed away like I had at one point. This all gets to be old and tomorrow is not promised to us. Thank you again.
Yup. As soon as we got married, he immediately seemed to change. Feel duped. Completely devastating. He now says that he isn’t that attracted to me and is addicted to porn. Zero intimacy. Soul crushing and draining. i feel like this has made me the anxious and crazy.
Update: Turns out he’s a sex addict. He Was messaging sex workers and other women daily. Buying things from sex workers. In sex chat rooms. Lied to me constantly about early work meetings or working overtime. I didn’t think I could be hurt more, but he managed it.
😞😞😞
I’m sorry you experienced this. My DA has told me he wasn’t attracted to me as well. It’s very emotionally abusive and I’m working on building my self esteem back up now. Thank you for sharing.
I think they do get addicted to porn. My partner always has been. They can’t deal with real life.
As Coach says... be aware!
My ex-husband and I have known each other since birth; our families were very close and we grew up together.
We had a 25 year long relationship/marriage with 4 kids, with several break-ups mainly due to my reluctance to tie myself permanently to a man-child until he agreed to give up his extremely toxic habits (regular binge-drinking etc, refused to get a job) and invest more in our relationship!
Like an idiot, I kept going back to him.
He promised to change and seemed to be making the effort, and so eventually we got married.
But then he stopped trying and did ALL the things Coach says in his video. Kept his money to himself, so I had to pay all the bills etc. Didn't help around the house. Spent all his spare time playing video games. Tried to put me down constantly, gas-lighting me etc to make himself look good. He even stopped taking care of his personal hygiene, and wouldn't let me get into bed to go to sleep after my night shifts (according to him, I was being selfish to ask him to stop playing games, and watching videos, and get off the bed so I could sleep).
He wasn't avoidant. He was just an asshole. Now he's my ex-husband.
I haven't missed him once since the day I told him our marriage was over.
On the other hand, my extremely avoidant ex-BF didn't do any of these things.
My daughter's father is a DA which i didn't know despite the signs, but i didn't know them before either. We have been together for 8 years and have a 5 year old daughter. When she was 3 he wanted to live on his own but still have a family life, which was fine with me as he was too difficult to live with him anyway. Last year after funding out about his dismissive avoidant type I took "a year off him" to find myself and be a secure person again. I was a secure type before I met him but I became an anxious person due to his actions. We have a good relationship now due to my boundaries and my new life changes. I told him last week that I didn't want to be friend with him but a connected family unit. He hasn't replied to me yet but i won't compromise on that, i know now how to manage him and his emotions. Thank you for the video
Being left by an Avoidant 2 weeks ago has been incredibly painful and has thrown me for a loop! Thank you for what you do!
Thank you, you truly described my love avoidant husband. but he was the one doing the chasing at the very start and after life came in, he stopped working on our relationship at all. he refused all mediation and couple councelling. he refused to do any work.
Being married to my avoidant wife has left me completely void in my heart every day. I would not wish these feelings on anyone.
That’s crazy. I never thought he is a DA, since he tried near the end to work on things and go to a therapy and he love bombed me in our first months, but 6 months into our relationship he got addicted to playstation till our breakup 2 years later. He never planned dates, only in special occasions or after a fight, our quality time was watching TV for 2 hours and then playing till he falls asleep. Hated kissing or showing affection, if he had trouble hated sharing it or asking for help.
Are we the same person?😂 I swear u just explained my situation to the T he does the exact same things u stated 🤦🏾♀️
That is exactly what happened to me. 😅
It is a strange, weird hell to live with these people. My deepest sympathies to you.
My dismissive gf of 7 years.. will say "words of confirmation".. but actions speak louder than words. Shits truly killing me bro.. its rough
I'm still married to my avoidant. I really love him. We have been separated for 2 years. We got back together after 10 months but living in separated places. We decided we were going to take it slow. For 8 months it was awesome but after one day he said he doesn't know what he wants for his future. Just went silent. I would still text him n he would respond sometimes. Today is 7 months and he's still gone. Today I found a video of him at a club dancing with some lady n he kissed her. I text n called him n no response. I talk to him the next day n he said he that we're not together any more. I told him if he doesn't want to be married anymore just tell me. I'm heartbroken. I'm going no contact because I cannot control him.Hopefully he come back after I know he hasn't healed from our break up. We've been together 9 yrs n lived together for 7 yrs. Married for 5 years. I I'm currently working on myself with a therapist but it really hurt. 🙏🙏
So sorry for you. It's really hard being married to an avoidant. I've been married to a DA for over a decade, but didn't know until recently what attachment styles were.
What really sucks is that things tend to get worse over time with avoidant partners, not better. Unless the avoidant is actively working on themselves to correct their relationship destroying behavior, the relationship will leave you an unhappy shell of the person you once were.
Girl, after he did you like that, I recommend you watch Mindfulattraction with Father Alex and get some self respect back. Your "husband" has gone too far. It's time to choose you and put yourself and your happiness first. These videos are good and very healing for those that have DAs that have not crossed the line your husband did. But for those that have been cheated on and ghosted, Mindfulattraction is the way to go. You have to be willing to lose him sis.
I'm a DA woman and I need my man cave. Even as single!
The key points he makes are all so accurate 👏🏼
Great video, what’s the solution to this? Can you make a video about that?
It's not a problem you fix. You can't change someone. Either your accept them as they are or you don't. One thing you can do is make a request and explain why it's important, and then if they can't meet it and you can't handle it, leave.
The solution is realizing how tolerant you are at this point in your journey and consider the pros and cons of staying around.
4 years of this shit bro idk what to do.
Whoa bro. Idk
You nailed my husband
Love your T-shirt!!
Thanks Renee!!
They're now 20% off
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@@IamCoachCourt that would make a great hat and or mask too!
I'm very interested in the content of your video, but I am hard of hearing, and the closed captions button is not showing active on this video. It will help me, (and others like me) if you include captions. Thank you
if he do but explain it to you that he loves you and he is doing the more work for future family ... that sucks but ye i learned something today
How to marry an avoidant? Pls make a video
Thank you for the video
Thanks for watching Shubik!
Not quite sure how he feels it’s okay that a woman should be intimate with her husband if she doesn’t feel comfortable with it. That is not an enthusiastic yes.
There’s a difference to just not being in the mood but still saying yes because you love your husband and you enjoy that time together, but never should anyone have intimacy with anyone if they are not feeling comfortable with it. Her body IS her body.
But the wife *does* need to continually work on her own personal desire to be intimate with her husband.
Emotional safety is the number one thing to help the wife. And she needs to also make sure all intimate interactions are positive in her mind as she participates so it doesn’t negatively affect future intimate time together.
If a woman feels uncomfortable with being intimate with her husband physically, then the answer is no. She needs to go to the doctor or therapy to discover why.
If she’s uncomfortable emotionally, then there is something in her past or in her marriage that is broken and needs marriage counseling and personal therapy to heal.
The optimal desire is that both spouses enjoy being intimate together whether they’re in the mood or not. That way it is still always a positive experience that brings both closer together.
Why would you marry a guy you don't want to have sex with? You don't need to "feel comfortable" with a random dude you just fucked at the bar or in college. But now that the husband has been locked into a lifelong monogamous contract he's gotta make you feel safe? You already felt safe enough to marry him and live with him! Why all these fucking hoops to jump through? You're creating your own barriers
I'm not an avoidant... But i will be dog on before i last up under a man just to meet his "needs". That's sick and abusive. Shut that mess up immediately! 🤢
Then he doesnt have to meet yours
Not sure why this is assuming the DA is male. My situation and one that I am in the later stages of ending is with my DA female partner. She's great on many levels but it finally became so clear that she treats us as a sort of advanced casual relationship that falls well short of life together. I'd accept that scenario if she wasn't so often exhausted and has forgotten the rules of attraction that we all do when we are courting. I can't get past this and everytime I see her made up and dressed up for business events, I just can'rt reconcile the zero attention she puts forth for me. I've tried everything and am trying to set my life up again as single..Eight years and I feel like an idiot to be honest..Nothing personal about my DA partner, she's had it hard her whole life but this hill is not worth dying for.
This sounds suspicious
cool specs!
Thanks Ryan!
I wish u hv a substitle
Women should always have the freedom of choice no matter what attachment style they have. Essentially saying that women should have sex even when they don’t want to “meet his needs” is rape.
Everything is rape to you. Accountability is rape. Being responsible is rape. You're always a victim
Married how sway??😂
I'm DA who hates emotional intimacy but like very, very, very and very much, sex. ;)
hahaha, that winky face
@Sara Stuart dismissive avoidant
@It ́s not what you think Wow, LOL...You're waaay too ahead in your conclusions. Maybe it hits a nerve there? Sorry. Well, my sweet nor is very avoidant also... But extremely sexy. Really hard not to get horny when he is around (yes, he's back!!!).
@It ́s not what you think People who are avoidant find it almost impossible to talk about their emotions with other people, including themselves. It's been drummed into them from an early age that to do so is a sign of weakness, and that nobody will be there to help sooth them. Even if they want to talk about something, they don't tend to have the relevant vocabulary.
You're referring to sex as a selfish means of physical pleasure, which it is. But it is far more than that and most people don't realise how much of a role sex and sexuality plays in our personality and behaviours, our likes and dislikes, attitude to risk, security and insecurity, and our feeling of placement. Many people kill themselves over issues regarding their sexuality, so don't devalue the importance of sex.
Avoidant people often enjoy and have regular sex, and often with more than one partner. Imagine you were a mute, and for some impossible reason your voice came back every time you went shoe shopping. Crazy example, but if that were true you'd be living in shoe city. Sex is a form of expression and a safe environment for the avoidant where they can express their feelings much more easily than they can by talking. Plus for the brief moment they can feel secure from the feelings of fear and rejection that they feel every day. Things like constructive criticism can be emotionally paralysing to them, so your comments about the other commenter's love of sex are likely to have a destructive effect. You may have meant it innocently, but read it again and it's actually very judgemental. They're replenishing their ego, not fuelling it, because deep down they generally have a lower self esteem and find it very hard not to internalise everything.
Unfortunately you are right in that the unchanged DA will go through life without enjoying close emotional connections and could feel very isolated and alone.
So you like to use people? ... That's nothing to brag about.