#5. Creating Secure Attachment: Emotional Regulation (Video 5 of 8)
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- Опубликовано: 9 фев 2025
- Hello. Thanks for checking out my RUclips channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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#5. Creating Secure Attachment: Emotional Regulation (Video 5 of 8)
In this video, I talk about the dysfunction and strain that emotional dysregulation has created in both our life and our roles in a relationship with a partner. One specific characteristic of a securely attached person is the ability to give and receive the exchange of emotional regulation.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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#5. Creating Secure Attachment: Emotional Regulation (Video 5 of 8)
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RUclips. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RUclips. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
Alan 😉 is such a sweetheart. Who would ever believe he's had the same issues he is educating us on. Alan is the epitome of "treat others like you want to be treated." Many of us treat people unconsciously as we have been treated. What a sad and unfufilling way to be in the world. Thanks Alan for teaching we have choices and we can consciouly become the masters of our ships and determine our own fate. 👌 AWESOME.
Wow....this all explains so much! I wonder though...where do you find these people that can do this??? I grew up with the "if you don't stop crying I'll give you something to cry about" mentality. And it seems that in all of my relationships if I've gotten emotional about something, the partner walks away until I've "gotten over it". Even with friends...well, I don't really have any any more...because if you aren't "happy" they don't want you around.
Abby Koop I pray because understanding people do exist but their are others who don't have empathy, I pray for God to guide me to others with empathy.
Abby I have lived with that expectation and some people are that way. I have met people that can love you while you hurt. It's something you can do.
I feel this.
Noone in my family is emotionally available. No-one! Only ME and they call me mentally ill. I
say YOU ARE RIGHT! YOUR Emotionally SHUT DOWN STATE MAKES ME MENTALLY ILL!
Alan, you are truly gifted in articulating these amazing lessons, I appreciate this so very much! Truly a gift to have this clarity for me after 28 yrs of marriage.Thank you!!!!!
Your description of what it's like for
a child to not receive the support from their caregiver during times of emotional distress was so real and so true that I cried for an hour realizing the source of my problems. Thank you for opening my eyes.
No wonder my nervous system spun out of control..my parents failed miserably.
Thank you Alan for bringing these truths to light. I no longer feel in the dark
Not long ago as an adult I was crying right in front of my mum she just turned her back on me.
So cold. No hug, no acknowledgement.
We no longer have a relationship
Now I know why I have all these issues
Thankyou Alan Robarge. Your capacity to articulate emotion and intensity as relationship is a great service of support and advice. Thankyou in breaking this stuff down and explaining this.
Thanks for watching and for your kind words - I appreciate it. It's important for us to understand emotional regulation and attachment. Without secure attachment, we experience a lot of distress.
When our attachment bonds are compromised, distress shows up as fear and anxiety. Many of us will default to one of the Four Responses to manage this distress, specifically our Fight reaction becomes Poking, Flight becomes Running, Freeze becomes Hiding, and Fawn becomes Submitting.
Here is the link to the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I'm grateful that I m here..finally recovering from my dysfunction mind to proper functioning.It is now three years I'm learning from many RUclips channel about this.you are also one of them.
You're are helping many people.😊
This was immensely helpful. Thank you!
I am getting so much out of these videos. You are beautiful.
I am so glad to hear that you are benefitting from my content! Thank you for your kind words.
Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution, checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know that this content has been helpful for you.
ty again another wonderful helpful video
I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work brings benefit.
If you haven't already heard about it, since you like the videos, you may also like getting in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Helping me to become a better parent with this advice, thank you
im anxious attachment
me too. I don't know why but listening to Alan talk de-escalates my emotional state. I feel a bit more relaxed.
Love this!!!😍
wow great video
resonate
Very good
Glad you like this one. Could you please tag a friend or share this video with others who might also like it? Thanks for the comment Rhonda.
Wow, What a Wonderful Educational heartfelt Video. Thank you and God bless you!
What do you do when someone can join with you But becomes MORE anxious than you when you get upset due to you being upset?
Absolutely so HELP FULL to me!!!💓💓💓🕉
Thank you for all the kind comments. Glad you see value in my work. Please consider becoming a sustaining supporter. You can submit a donation and/or also join us in the community. Here are the links: www.alanrobarge.com/donate and also www.alanrobarge.com/community thanks for letting me know you benefit from the videos.
So helpful thank you!
I'm glad you liked the video Erica. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins this week. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
It is hard to find true friends like you mention here Alan. I often speak with my sister, but alas she is dysregulated also because of the family dynamics. My other sister I barely speak to.
Great video. Thanks immensely ♡
So helpful thankyou so much xx
thank you for this
you're welcome
I appreciate the time, effort and intent of your videos, but am confused by the title compared to the content.
I am interested in learning specifically about "earned secure attachment" and how one goes about doing this. Your videos in this series appear to be a well articulated explanation of attachment styles and what a positive co-regulated secure relationship looks like, but nothing about being insecurely attached and moving toward security.
What does this look like especially if you have two insecures? What does it look like with complex PTSD in the mix versus garden variety insecure attachment? It feels quite isolating to have these issues and be an older white guy at this time in history which equates to a universal rejection or at least lack of tolerance of vulnerability.
Wish I could get a transcript of these videos. There is gold here. What is the chance of either a transcript or summary (similar to what you did for the Dysfunctional Cycle of insecure attachment?
But I’m just so, so grateful to have come across this great man and his teachings...
Linda Chandler hes wonderful, isn’t he!
Funny, the thing that anxious partners aren't supposed to expect out of a relationship is the very thing that creates a secure attachment.
I see this video sparked some reflection for you regarding creating secure attachment. If understanding more about attachment behavior is interesting for you then you may want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. By increasing our understanding on how people show up when there's anxiety in a relationship we can learn new skills in secure relating.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz.
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
What about when both partners have Aspergers traits?
Is it possible if only one person is working on themselves and addressing their issues and the other person is shut down emotionally and a love avoidant? Can the relationship still work if only one person is growing?
Good question. One-sided relationships is a topic sometimes explored in the community. Through a Self-Directed Healing approach members are encouraged to explore their challenges like this one. I value your exploration.
I feel like my partner and I can do this for each other when our emotional upheaval is related to other things outside of the relationship. If the upheaval is due to something between us, we aren't great at doing this for each other. In that case, do you think that self compassion and becoming our own secure caregiver in our minds in those moments is the key?
Sara, thanks for the question on how to work with challenges in relationships. While I cannot always answer questions directly due to the range of conditions and history unique to each situation, I do value your exploration and curiosity. We grow by asking questions.
I created a system of submitting questions as ideas that I might explore on future videos. If you would like your question to be considered, please submit it via my website by going to www.alanrobarge.com/questions
Also due to the nature of your question, you might be interested in taking the quiz about The Four Attachment Distress Responses. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Alan you always speak about relating to a partner, emotionally. is it inappropriate to do it to a friend? :/
Interdependent universe 😎 it’s the only way to relate to a friend, we relate the same way to all humans at different degrees. For example, I’d react concerned if a coworker shows up frazzled to work, but I wouldn’t call him if I’m mad about something personal, I’d call a closer friend. Or even a partner, if the partner is not the anger reason lol 😂🙏🕉
Alan, can you create a PayPal link for donations??
CChristina, I have one! Thank you so much for asking and thank you for valuing my content. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Also, Please consider joining us in the membership community. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist
Just made a donation :)
you’re a hero. I had no idea my attachment injuries were as bad as they are, and it feels so good to finally get some clarity.. it’s really freeing. Truly. Your work is so needed and so very much appreciated. God bless you, Alan!!
It is luck I find healthy husband, he regulate my emotions.
Can a codependent become abusive?
Thanks for the question. That's a challenging question because it would depend on many personal factors and I don't think social media is the best place to explore this. But I understand why this is important to explore.
It does make me think about identifying and communicating boundaries in relationships.
Also, based on your question, and you may already be aware, you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz It can help clarify attachment dynamics in relationships.
So, mum failed.
Whats this mother you speak of
Lol