AITA for REFUSING to eat my cake? THE LAST CAKE STORY EVER?!? DUSTY REACTS!
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- Опубликовано: 5 фев 2025
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AITA for refusing to eat my cake?
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This is so much deeper…this young man has not been heard by this family for a long time. It’s easy to feel sorry for the family, to think he’s ungrateful, but I think this kid has been feeling “unseen” for many years.
The family sound like the type who say What flavor do you want? OP tells them; they say You’re the only one who likes that flavor, so we’re getting this flavor; that way everybody can enjoy it.
He doesn’t have to be grateful for them not listening
Exactly!!!
@christineheminger7762 i have celiac and it used to be near impossible to get a gluten free cake for my birthday so for several years i kept trying to get my family to do something else but they continously bought a regular cake that i couldn't even eat just so everyone else but me could have cake on my birthday and it drove me nuts
@@bluesey-182that's completely uncool. It would be ok if they got you something you could eat and got a cake but to exclude you on your BD is shitty!
Gifts and celebrations are meaningless if there is no thought behind them. If you are simply buying something or throwing a party for someone out of obligation, you're missing the point entirely. If someone communicates their needs and desires to you, only to have you disregard them, you are the problem not them.
@@leavemealone20 I feel like they are trying and putting thought. He said they got him a cassette tape (which he collects) of his favorite band. That was very thoughtful. They paid attention. They just missed that it’s the one album he doesn’t like. They may have noticed it’s the one album he didn’t have which means they do care and are paying attention.. they just missed why he didn’t have it already. But for his birthday, I agree they didn’t listen.
@@mangi_plans They may have tried to be thoughtful, but they don’t know him. To throw him a party in the way that they think it should be When he literally told them what he doesn’t need is not a gift to the person.
@ oh I 100% agree.. they failed when it came to the party. That was all for them. But I do think the gift shows they care. They just need to learn to listen. And that if he is clearly communicating his desires, he means it.
Clearly OP is only showing us a small section of what life is like with his folks. But with the example that his mom guilt trips him about wearing the clothes she buys, that he doesn't like, clearly she is manipulative in trying to get her way. And now that he is an adult, she can't comprehend that he can make his own choices. Like cake or presents! It honestly sounds like it's more for the parents to feel good about themselves and possibly showoff that they "Care of our child, no matter what age!" Then OP's sister just doesn't seem to real care about his situation and is just like "go with the flow whether you like it or not".
Sister said they respect him more than her.
I think parents lay on the guilt about "everything" they do for him. He probably can't afford to move out and gifts and cake he doesn't want will be weaponized against him in the future.
Agree with Candy, he’s not feeling heard and it feels like he’s a believer in non-over consumption-like if he doesn’t like that cassette, then he’d rather someone else enjoy it. They need better boundaries with each other.
family shoud just make a dinner if they wanna celebrate his birthday. no cake, no gifts, just polite and warm family dinner. and gift money, if they wanna give him something
No, no, no, no, no! When someone tells you that they prefer not to have something happen and you do it anyway, YTA. Example….I live in a 398 sq ft tiny home. I have repeatedly asked friends and family to NOT buy gifts. Gift cards are fine, food gifts are fine, but random “I thought you would like it” gifts….no. Yet, over and over again, I have those who won’t listen. I don’t have the room for random crap, which I have voiced, but it just keeps happening. I finally had to get very stern and threaten to throw the sh*t away before they figured it out. When people won’t hear the words coming out of your mouth, it’s gets very frustrating.
That's so annoying. I wouldn't accept the gifts and would say the same thing.
A simple thank you, X organization will love this donation is the route I would go if they insist on giving gifts. I love stuff but not when I live in a 200sq ft space. Gifts are either donated (or sent to my storage unit if it's a family heirloom.)
I think the point is not about the cake but the fact that hes made his wishes known to his parents, and they dont listen to him. It had probably been going on for sometime and that was probably the last straw. Who cares why he doesnt want it. I think it was considerate of him to say something to them ahead of time. They dont listen to him and hes tired of it.
Narcissistic parents regularly ruin holidays and ignore boundaries. Their children are not taught how to create healthy boundaries. I wonder if this budding adult is struggling with this.
Why ask him though? He said no and they said, okay let's do it anyway.
I feel like if they hadn't done it, he would have made a scene that they didn't care about him
@@MegTheBearas a person who’s been in situations like this, I guarantee he meant what he meant. Now, the parents are probably thinking like you and that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about when he says he doesn’t want it, but clearly he meant what he said. The parents are probably used to just telling him what to do, and aren’t ready to acknowledge that he may actually be communicating exactly what he wants/don’t want. They need to put more effort into figuring out what he likes as an alternative and actually listen.
Agreed. They asked, and they ignored his answer.
I've lived this. I wouldn't get them a cake and tell them off if they get mad. I have 2 reasons for this 1) I've lived this. I've told people explicitly "No, thank you." I just get, "Nonsense, let's do what I want you to do." 2) I don't play mind games. You say no. That's what I'm going with. Immediate consequences.
The grumpy birthday story reminded me of my dad. He doesn't like his birthday and he doesn't like parties and being a spectacle. He also doesn't like cake. Me and my mom always get him a card and I take them both out to dinner wherever he wants to go, my treat. If we get him cake, it's an ice cream cake.
They shouldn't have asked OP if they weren't going to listen to the response. I'm not completely exonerating OP, there are other ways, but it sounds like it's been more than once he's specifically said he didn't want anything and they've basically plowed right through it.
💯
I don't think he's an AH at all. I feel like he's frustrated with them not listening to him. I would be angry if they didn't listen to me either.
My parents did this to me too. It's not hard to not celebrate someone's birthday if they said they didn't want it.
I get the cake part but then he mentioned the cassette tapes and that makes me think he's not being specific enough when tells his parents what he wants or doesn't want. They got him an album from an artist that he really likes, but it wasn't the right one? That is something that even if he doesn't like the album, he should be happy his parents know he likes cassette tapes and who his favorite artist is. Gifts aren't just about the reciever they are also a language, someone letting you know that they're thinking about you not about the gift itself.
NTA OP said they do this all the time. The parents are forcing their desires on him, forcing him to wear clothes he doesn't like and didn't want is a big red flag. This is parents forcing him to be someone he is not and he is at the end of his patience.
NTA. How long do you have to deal with people who say they care about you totally disregarding your wishes before you are justified in a negative reaction? What is the age cut off for being able to express what you want and it be acknowledged and adhered to? If this were a married couple the party who didn't listen would get crucified. OP age and relationship to the people who don't hear them doesn't change that.
Be grateful for what? Not being listened to? Having something youve expressed you didn't want forced on you? At what point do you stop appeasing other people just to not be rude to them and show how them forcing things on you hurts you? Them doing the party with the cake was for them, not for him at all because he said he didnt want it.
I totally get the OP. I'm a natural minimalist and I'd rather get nothing than a bunch of unwanted things that I'll have to keep or waste my energy on getting rid of them. The same goes for help i didn't ask for: first my mom spends time and health on doing something i totally don't need and even spoils it for me so i have to re-do and compensate for her "help", yet she's frustrated I'm not grateful for the help. Well, if you really wanna be helpful, ask what i need and do exactly this, nothing more, otherwise it's just additional work for me to rewind back what you've screwed up for me with your unwanted help. Why would the parents ask and do the full opposite of what OP asked? I'd say ESH as he could be a bit less sharp but if it's going on for years, i get the frustration. And yes, why should i force feed myself with your cake if i asked for none? This b'day party was made for the family, so enjoy it yourselves. This OP can't get even body autonomy if he's expected to eat against his own will. The parents should accept he isn't a baby and his wishes can be totally opposite of what they expect. B'days are overrated after 18, so what's the fuss he isn't 7 to be waiting for it impatiently.
Edit: I'm almost 40 so no, this isn't just a teenage thing. It's about boundaries and parents' ability to listen and really accept their children as separate adults who have a separate opinion, for some it never comes.
This is not a Kobe Yashi murrao, this is parent who never listened to their children on what they want and get them what they think they will. It's a power play! I have family just like this!
For all of those who say the kid is on grateful.
Think of it from the other point of view if you told somebody what you like for years and years and years and years or told them. I don't like this. I would rather you get what's on my list and you chose to do. Whatever you wanted now, think of this like a partner situation. How would you react then? Same principles apply. The sister even said they respect you more than me. So just get used to it. Why should the children get used to it if the parents keep fucking app!
Just to keep the peace? If so, if some of you in partner relationships why aren't you just keeping the peace? Is it o k when it's a parent child relationship? That's just twisted
Only Candy Thunder stop to see a possibility of a different reason for the sons reaction.
What about the tapes though? They knew he liked cassette tapes and knew what artist he liked and he STILL wasn't happy because it wasn't the "right" album. Your family is not their family. OP showed he wouldn't be happy no matter what they did so yeah he's ungrateful and rude.
@@Kal93babyI got the impression they were well aware of the circumstances surrounding that particular album. I agree that they're ignoring whatever he actually wants in lieu of whatever they want to give him. He's still young but he's tired of them doing this to him.
@@Kal93baby yeah that was really shitty and entitled.
Why does the family keep getting him gifts they know he won’t like?🤔 sounds like some kind of abuse “just be thankful” knowing it’s not what he asked for. He’s to the point where he doesn’t want anything anymore.
Honestly, we don't have enough information to judge. With his attitude, I feel like he's that person where his parents and others keep trying and trying, but it's never good enough. The other option is that he's done this before where he says, "I don't want it" or "leave me be" but then complains that "they don't love me, they didn't even get me a cake."
Honestly i understand it. My parents will ask me what i would want and get me none of it and get me things i didn’t really need at all. They would get returned or donated and i would end up with nothing. I understand “its the thought that counts”, but doesn’t that mean my thoughts should be accounted for?
The family's the AH. OP is perhaps justified AH imo. The family did ask OP what he wanted but didn't actually listen to his answer. Don't ask if you aren't actually gonna listen??
I also get the feeling that this wasn't the first time OP's family has completely ignored his wants or needs and just plowed right through them. Although from the family's POV I'm sure they're thinking that they're being "nice" or "doing the right thing".
Unfortunately I've seen many families with relatives who just keep giving gifts that the recipient doesn't particularly like nor did they ask for it. In those situations they're just giving to make themselves feel better for giving someone else a gift. They also often feel entitled to a grateful response even though the gift wasn't asked for in the first place.
Yes, one should be grateful for recieving gifts IN GENERAL.
But at a certain point, usually after your boundaries have continuously been ignored, you do have to step up and set clear boundaries. Unfortunately, after being completely stepped on for a long time, speaking out at first can make you very angry and make you (seemingly) "lash out" at people. But that's understandable after being disrespected for so long.
This is a person who will say "my parents didn't even get me a birthday cake for my birthday" leaving out the fact that he didn't want one. Parents are in a no win situation.
No, remember the poster is a man not a woman. He's not going to be playing childish mind games like this. He seems very mature and that he's dealing with a bunch of hens.
@@gracefullycallie Wow I really bothered you! You better go check with your astrological chart for today. Maybe Mercury is in retrograde and causing your fragility.
@gracefullycallie You sound grossly immature, and look around at the channel we are discussing: it's all about making judgments.
Agreed, Shannon. Though, at this point, I think the parents should start taking him at his word. If he's going to be a little snot to them, then they should stop trying to make him feel special.
It sounds like OP still lives with his parents. That's quite the interesting dynamic.
I know when I was growing up my extended family would purchase gifts that didn't match any of my interests. It can create a feeling of disconnection when year after year the gifts feel like they were for someone who isn't me.
Eventually, one year I was adamant that office supplies are all that I want. This helped tremendously as the gifts felt practical and fit better with the kind of person I am. My extended family was happy because they now knew what I like and office supplies are certainly cheaper and not subject to holiday price gauging.
I suspect OP feels unseen which fuels a feeling of disconnection. If he's neurodivergent like I am, this can sting even more because you already feel disconnected from much of humanity anyway.
His way of handling this has all the finesse of a sledgehammer, which makes me think he's neurodivergent not entitled. We tend to be pretty damn blunt and have to work at being more nuanced.
I might be reading too much into this, but I’m wondering if in the past he has given lists (within reasonable costs) of exactly what he wants when they asked him and instead of getting anything off those lists, they have gotten what they think he should want or need. If that’s the case, I can see where he’s coming from.
If not, then it could have been handled better on both sides.
@ That Part !! ^^^^^
Honestly my ex is exactly like this doesn’t like desserts and gets angry if you buy him anything so I opted for useful items socks, underwear, skillet he said he wanted but never got. As for desserts just gave him something he likes like gummy bears. All things he accepted willing without a huge dramatic fuss. I am a gifter and this was one of the most challenging things I ever experienced. Because I am this way and when I’m specific on what I want usually simple new shoes or makeup/skincare (affordable) I’m given something he deems useful and usually goes untouched most of the time.
Turn the birthday into a celebration like Mom pushed out a human day! And get her the cake and presents. And just abide strictly to no cake and no presents for him until he asks for them again.
As a manager, I'm all about celebrating everyone's birthdays on my team. I get that not everyone likes birthdays and isn't as into it as I am but like Dusty said, "You don't have to participate but we're glad you're here so we're going to celebrate you." Also, I feel like if he said he didn't want a cake, they could have asked if he wanted something else like brownies or pie or maybe something just for him that he doesn't have to share.
I relate to this. For me it took YEARS for me to get to this point. I'm the baby of the family (until a few months ago when I had my daughter). I'm 33. I have only gotten about 5 things I have ever asked for/wanted. I would make a list and get nothing from it. Variable in cost because uncle has money and would buy expensive things.
Mostly it was what THEY thought was an acceptable gift. I'm not close with family, even my parents. I only talk to them about 4x a year. I only see them when it's expected. Birthdays & holidays. Yet all of my family live within 30min and are tech savvy.
I suspect he could be a justified asshole where his family are selfish assholes.
My oldest son is autistic. He absolutely hates having attention on him for his birthday. He will let our immediate family (of 4) give him his cake with a candle, but he despises opening presents. We now either hand him cash or put it on his debit card. He just doesn’t enjoy the big to do about it. His younger brother does enjoy it, so he participates but likes to be at the back of the crowd.
A lot of y'all seem to be fine with ignoring a firm NO, a clear boundary, and a direct statement of I do not want that. I find that incredibly problematic.
There is a difference between boundaries and this. This is not a clear boundary, a boundary is “I don’t want to talk about my dating life” or “knock before entering”. This is a grown adult acting like a brat, he’s upset because they got him a gift (that they didn’t have to get him) of a group that he genuinely enjoys but not an album he likes. WTF, dude be grateful that they actually remembered what groups you like and on what media. He’s upset that they got him a cake and instead of being an adult and showing appreciation for remembering his birthday he acts like a brat and throws a temper tantrum. You find that people are calling an ungrateful person an AH problematic means you are the problem.
Also, I come from a place of not celebrating my birthday.I haven’t since my mom passed away but I don’t get mad and throw a temper tantrum when people call, text or send birthday wishes. This dude needs to grow up and it sounds like you do too.
@@Danger_Floof_18They asked if he wanted a cake, he said no, got him a cake anyway and are mad because he's upset that they didn't listen to him AGAIN. At what point do HIS feelings/wishes about his birthday get validated? And, while 20 is technically an adult, the male brain does not fully develop until almost 30, compared to 21-22 for females.
He can dislike the cake. It is the snarky attitude. He should have blown out the candles and walked away.
He did blow out the candles and walk away.
My parents combined my birthday with my brother leaving me no longer willing to celebrate my birthday. One year my family "surprised" me with a party I didn't want and a cake that was my brother's favorite then couldn't understand why I was upset.
I have a nephew that acts this way. He's autistic. ( I'm not saying OP is.) The video of him walking for graduation, you can feel the rage through the screen. He didn't want to go/walk graduation. Obviously, it was very important to his parents and the family. He doesn't have the emotional control to do something he doesn't want to for someone else's joy. Maybe there's still hope for learning.
I hate celebrating my birthday as well. He said “no”, they did anyways. This is probably not the first time he told them “no”, and he’s tired of it.
“But you should have known that I didn’t REALLY mean it when I said no cake!” 🙄
I hate getting gifts that don’t seem like they are meant for me. I have a feeling op is upset that his family doesn’t know him well enough to get him something he actually wants.
He needs to go live alone if he doesn't want to be bothered
Why did they ask his opinion about celebrating his birthday/cake if they weren't going to honor his wishes? He says they've always done this. At what point do HIS feelings get validated?
Love what Candy Thunder said! I do think he was rude about it, especially with the cassette where they were clearly trying to pick something he'd like. That said, I agree that it's probably because they keep pushing this stuff when he doesn't want it. They need to listen and try to find a compromise of something simple and no-fuss like Candy suggested. If he wants absolutely nothing, maybe just make his favorite dinner like another commenter suggested. Don't make it a whole birthday thing if he doesn't want that. I do get that they may have been thinking he doesn't mean it and will be sad if they don't do anything. But he's made it very clear he means it, so they need to respect that. Feeling heard and respected is probably the best "gift" they could give him.
OP had me till the Christmas gifts. Mine got me dry shampoo, a face mask and chip bag clips. At least they got him something in the ballpark of what he is interested in.
I'm with OP. I prefer nothing over things I don't want/like, and I also don't appreciate when my requests are ignored as if what I want (or don't want) is irrelevant. In all fairness, my family stopped overriding my lack of Birthday requests when I was maybe 10. It's been a non-issue for 30 years. OP handled it terribly, though. The rudeness was unnecessary to say the least.
Can you put yourself in his shoes? Think of how you would feel if your family hadn't acknowledged your feelings about your birthday and acquiesced to your wishes all these years?
I hate surprise parties. I don’t like being put on the spot like that. Yet, my mom convinced my husband (and friends) that’s what we should do for an important birthday. I had set up my own bday plans and was excited for it. Of course, the husband and my friends insisted on going to this other restaurant first. When I walked in, I about blew a gasket. Surprise party. My mom was laughing at me because she knew how mad I was but I would “get over it.” It’s not a gift or surprise if the person doesn’t want it. It’s for your weird pleasure.
I wonder how OP would react if his family simply forgot his birthday or didn’t get him anything for Christmas. He seems very entitled to me. If you don’t want people to celebrate you, fine, but don’t be a dick about it. I also think that him being on the spectrum, if that’s the case, isn’t an excuse. My twin brother is on the spectrum and is the same age as OP. Even if he doesn’t like whatever gift he gets on Christmas, he at least pretends to be grateful and then tells me or our mom in private if he doesn’t like it (though it’s usually written on his face whether he likes it or not, regardless of his words). Having a mental disability is also not an excuse to act out, and I’m really sick of people treating it like it is an excuse. Yes, the world has changed and being on the spectrum or having ADHD is more normalized, but that doesn’t mean you should get away with bad behavior because of a diagnosis.
No, you can't do what YOU believe others should like and expect them to act all happy about it. You are making it about you, and clearly, you don't care about them.
NO means NO. I don't want you to do that means I don't want you to do that. If you ignore those statements, you're denying a person autonomy and consent and ignoring their boundaries.
He's the exact opposite of entitled. He's an adult male: birthdays are meaningless. He was asked what he wanted for his birthday, he said he didn't want anything because _he didn't want anything._ instead of honoring his wishes they took it upon themselves to _correct his answer on what he meant by "I don't want anything" and burdened him with playing along with this childish custom._ I know women love to celebrate themselves as much as they like to speak in riddles, but this 20 year old male seems wise beyond his years, gave an actual answer, and was disrespected.
I have pretended that my mother's gifts were not hurtful for 25 years. I would pretend that everything is ok, and the gift is lovely. That it doesn't hurt, that she has no idea what I like, that I am happy and that even though I have hated yellow since I was 3 years old....
Do you know what that got me? A yellow gift that mom likes, every year. I stopped talking to her 2 years ago at the age of 35 after another yellow gift, because when I asked why, she said: "You honestly expect too much from me, yellow is such a beautiful color, i can't comprehend that you don't like it".
Best decision of my life to stop talking to her.
@Marisha0111 It's one thing to pretend to like an unwanted gift when the giver had no reason to know it was inappropriate, but it's a passive aggressive insult to intentionally give someone something you dont want. It would be like preparing a steak dinner for a vegan and then saying "well, you can just eat this small piece here".
If you don't like yellow, and I know that, then it would be rude for me to give you a yellow gift because it knowingly puts you in a bad position.
Personally, I would've compromised with a nice dinner and cash gifts if they insists on some kind of celebration. No cake necessary
Sounds kind of like my daughter. I have started to specifically ask her what she would like for gifts as she is a big thrifter and like to live minimally. She doesn’t want extra stuff. I am trying to respect her boundaries. Candy. I 100% agree with you.
Maybe bake her a dessert she loves? Or if it'll make you feel better, you can bake me a dessert! Haha jk
If it was just the cake I'd think okay OP has a point but listening to ALL the other things he was annoyed with especially the casette tapes (which is a truly thoughtful gift that showed the parents do pay attention to what he likes) proves OP wouldn't be happy no matter what they did.
I agree. The cassette was from an artist he liked, they might not have known that he didn’t like that specific album. If not for that, I’d have told the parents to let it go and just do what he asks.
I used to be selfish like this. “I don’t want to be bothered.” “Respect my boundaries.” I now realize people are trying to show me love, even if I’d rather be alone, even if I think they’re going over the top-I now appreciate EVERYTHING. After having a child, and becoming an oncology nurse-I don’t know, I feel more grateful, and more appreciative of the small considerations people give. Sadly a lot of wisdom just comes with age, and loss.
I’m on OP’s side. I have a friend who has this same thought process. It’s like they don’t like to have more things to manage and they don’t feel good pretending to like things they don’t…so why would they want to on their birthday???
I always get her extremely thoughtful gifts and she lets me. She doesn’t let other people.
He’s not entitled he just doesn’t want thoughtless garbage in his life. You and the parents aren’t listening to him.
The statement “it’s hard to not celebrate” is not reasonable. It’s not hard to do nothing.
They’re doing it for them not him. He knows the gifts are selfish. Why should he validate that.
ESH, but OP sucks more. Especially about the cassette thing. How were they supposed to know he didn’t like that specific albums from the artist he likes? But his parents should generally listen to what he’s saying more.
It's just me, but if someone says "no gifts" I will get them "no gifts"
I don't care if people accept or like the gifts I give. I'll put thought into them, but they don't have to keep them, break it, sell it, give it away. As soon as I give it to them it's no longer my concern.
On the other side as someone who doesn't like clutter, I don't have to keep what someone gives me. Id rather not get something than something I won't use. Like use elfster for Christmas or something
What they need to do is leave him alone and let him stew in his own nastiness. I have a daughter who hates getting gifts but i hate not getting her something when everyone else in the family us getting something. It feels rude. We came to a compromise because she communicated well.
I have a son who is the same age as Op, & acts the same way . He is on the spectrum.
I have several family members on the spectrum and that is the exact vibe I'm getting as well.
I tend to agree with your thoughts. It’s a little bit ESH. I feel like they need to sit down and have a big talk about expectations and boundaries. I think it’s reasonable for him to want well-thought out presents, since it can make people feel seen. But at the same time, he needs to meet them in the middle if he can see they’ve tried, and maybe missed the mark a little. I wonder if giving thoughtless gifts is a habit of his family.
And I say this as an autistic, there’s no excuse to be rude. I never would have gotten away with this sort of behaviour when I was younger. Maybe he needs to think of it as greasing the wheels of how relationships work. Hopefully they’ll get there. 🤞🏼
I’m sure if they did nothing he’d be resentful and “didn’t care” about him
esh.... he could have gone about that different... they could have been like "Hey we feel like we have to do this so work with me a bit what can we do that you DO want"
Parents were overthinking a specific and simple task. Is it really hard to believe that someone fully understands what they want or don’t want for their birthday. Imagine, offering someone A drink and listing off dairy options, and they say, oh, I don’t need anything to drink. I’m actually lactose intolerant. and you say, but I feel like you’re gonna be mad at me if I don’t bring you something to drink so I brought you milk anyways. It really takes a visceral and strong reaction for people to break out of this, and I’m not mad at OP. NTA.
Maybe he needs to move out. Then they wouldn't do all that.
OP is NTA, rude maybe though still NTA
Nope. NTA. The family didn't listen. If OP don't want a cake, don't buy a cake for him and expect him to be grateful. The family is the AH.
I'm on a spectrum. I can't "pretend". I can't play poker neither I can't be able to have a "pokerface". Even I said nothing you can read it. For me, pretend is lying. The family did this for them, not for him. It's hypocrit.
I’ve been through this and it’s frustrating especially at that age. It’s seems trivial but he’s probably trying to get three family to stop seeing him as a child and understand that he means what he says. Parents that do this when they ASKED him what he wants act like their grown child doesn’t know better and ignore their wishes. I’m with op on this. It’s crass and could be handled better but the parents need the wake up call. Even if this logic is flawed.
This sounds like fake ragebait to criticize ppl that have boundaries...
If I didn't get my son a cake at his age twentyfive,,, first thing he would say where's my cake
If you asked your son " Do you want a cake?" and his response was "No, don't get me a cake. I do not want a cake!" He would get mad at you for following his wishes?
I'll be honest, his grumpy entitlement is giving undiagnosed neuro-spiciness...since that is not a fact in the story and we stick to the story: ESH
YTA. I guarantee that if they got him nothing he would also be unhappy. He is being entitled and rude.
Im torn cause i really find it uncomfortable to receive gifts and have told ppl plenty of times i dont want gifts and they still get them my hubby doesn't and 2 of my kids dont as i truly dont want them but my other 2 kids will always get me gifts and some friends but i wouldnt be rude about it to them he went about it wrong
What a spoiled brat. I wish my family would pay attention to me on my birthday. My sister and my children do but that's about it.
How can OP turn this into a problem?
Just don't eat the cake. Just leave the gifts in their house or sell it since these are his now. OP needs to learn how to be diplomatic because majority of things in life won't happen how he wants it to. This is a good place to start.
Pretending to be grateful for the effort is a lot of adult life. That's why we work so we can afford exactly what we want. You don't insult family or friends or colleagues if he's working for not giving you exactly what you prefer.
He needs to adjust because the adult world, the real world is not fair most of the time. Also, move out so OP can gain the independence and control he wants in his daily life.
I get the vibe from this story that he's on the spectrum. I have several family members that are just like him. They need things a certain way. There may be a reason he's still living at home at 20.
The biggest thing for me is him saying that his family has always done this to him. At what point do HIS feelings get validation?
If this were a romantic relationship, everyone would be screaming down the house about the partner routinely disregarding OP's feelings. Everyone has a right to set boundaries in their life. He set his and his family walked all over them at both Christmas (he said he didn't want presents) and his birthday when he said he didn't want cake but they got one anyway.
I commiserate with this guy. Been there...had that happen to me. Ex. If you said I hate pineapple and on your birthday, they not only only bring fresh pineapple on top of a pineapple cake with pineapple juice to drink. You would be like. Why wouldn't they listen to you?
But here we have cake and you must have cake because we say so. You've said it numerous times. Dusty you are just like the parents who aren't listening.
I'll turn this around. You ask me, do I want cake for my birthday and I said yes. You know my likes and my dislikes. And more importantly, you know my HATES. The moment comes you bring out the cake.You see me gag. Why? Because you bought a cake that you like that makes me gag. It is beyond hate smelling.It makes me literally want to puke. You're angry because you bought the flavor that you like not the one I like or can even eat. You wanted cake, so you bought it using me as an excuse. Not for me but for yourself. And then you have the audacity to say I am bitching when you were trying to do something nice. I know when I don't matter, just like he figured it out.
And yesn they did this to me. This happened to me. My 22 birthday, and they just couldn't understand why I was gagging when you shoved carrot cake down my throat when you know it makes me puke. But how dare I not like something you like or that you want.
If after this, you still can't understand why he's upset that they crossed his boundary of understanding.Then you're gonna have a problem with your adult children.
Nah even if he was on the spectrum that’s not an excuse. I have multiple friends on the spectrum and they wouldn’t ever dream of pulling this BS. This guy is just an entitled A1 lister. I can see being irritated by the party after he said no party but at 20 he’s WAY too old to be having a full on toddler tantrum at this point. The gifts he mentioned were obviously purchased with love and with his interests in mind. From now on he gets $5 in a card shoved through his mail slot so they can leave before he goes off about that too. Buy yourself a candy bar or something. Parents maybe a 4 just because they were probably just desperate to try to show him ANY amount of love and now have it blow up in their face which I do think it shouldn’t have been this way because he said he didn’t want cake.
This sounds like my younger brother.
OP is insufferable. If he does not want to a birthday party because he has sensory issues or social anxiety then he needs to properly explain it to them, and then they all can come up with something else they would all be comfortable to do. It seems like they are trying to show him that they love him, and it is just bouncing off of him. It really makes me wonder if they did something to him before the start of the story that makes him hate them.
I would never do anything for him ever again. "Let us know if you want something."
I'm sure he would still complain, but I'd be like 🤷.
🤍
Crazy Crazy ok but to refuse CAKE. Ok, I can't resist cake....ungrateful.
No he was not an astronaut. He was just being an adult and recognizing that birthdays are for children.
@gracefullycallie lemme guess: you're a grown adult and you celebrate your birthday like a 12 year old girl.
@gracefullycallie For someone so opposed to being judgmental, you sure do like to practice it often. Maybe one of these days you'll even be good at it!
I think as a parent, if feels as if OP is an AH. Then again my perspective is different. My daughter (15) is on the spectrum, and she has her own thoughts and feelings on gift giving and spending time with family. She is in therapy to help her express her feeling better, but she can still come across to people as an AH, as she can be very blunt and harsh in her words. I don't know if OP is on the spectrum, but from what I've heard from my daughter, they have similar words. She isn't entitled by any means. She is grateful for the things she has and tells me she appreciates me. But if I get her something she doesn't like or care for, she informs me so. I use it as a learning moment- a moment to learn about what she likes and dislikes. I think that is the major problem for OP. His family doesn't listen to him, and it may cause him some bitterness.
This was my thought about OP. However, I don't believe that makes him an AH. I think that he's fed up with his family disregarding his wishes/boundaries & maybe not having the emotional maturity to express it better. Male brains don't fully develop until almost 30. At 15, your daughter's brain is more developed than his!
He sounds like a brat.
The vibe I got from the way he wrote this is that if his parents had ignored his birthday the way he told them to, he would have complained about that, too. Kobyashi Maru for the parents, indeed.
I don’t really agree with you dusty. His family doesn’t actually know op because Ii they knew him they’d know what to get him. And if he pretended to like a gift, then the gift giver will go “oh good he likes this thing I can get him more things like it.” It’s a waste of time and money for everyone. He should have at least given them a list! He is the asshole for not eating the cake though
Sounds like he's given them lists in the past and they've gotten him things close to what was on the list, like the cassette from Christmas.
And he is NOT an asshole for not eating a cake that he never wanted in the first place! Why bother asking him the question at all if they were just going to ignore his answer?
I think the parents should spoil the sister with gifts and cakes instead of op since she would actually appreciate it.
Maybe the parents should actually listen to the answers their children give when they ask questions of them? He said no when they asked if he wanted cake. He said he didn't want Christmas presents. Maybe he would appreciate being listened to for a change?
YTA! You are incredibly ungrateful and more than a bit rude. If you're getting gifts you don't want, well have you ever told them the kind of things you do want, being very specific???
ESH for sure. While everyone's thoughts are valid there is missing a whole lot of communication. I personally dislike receiving random gifts that I'll have to tuck away and eventually throw out/donate. However, if someone does take the time and effort to give me a gift, I will still appreciate it and say thank you. It is really the thought that counts.
The end of an era with no more TikTok 😢
Have you considered streaming on Twitch?
I don't think they should do anything for him ever again. Tell him to let them know if he wants something.
He should be thankful his parents are alive . Mine have both passed away . I miss them terribly.
They got him a cassette of the artist he liked, it was thoughtful of them, but he still found something to moan about. People on the spectrum are not intentionally rude. He seems to be a jerk on purpose
People on the spectrum can appear rude without meaning to all the time and not even realize it! I live with two of them. He said they've always done things like this. If he asked for a specific album, but they got him a different album thinking the difference wouldn't matter, that's just another indication they don't listen to him. They asked if he wanted cake, he said no. But they got one anyway! When do HIS feelings matter? Flip this as if it were a romantic relationship instead of parents/ child. If OP was a woman, whose husband constantly bought her bs presents instead of what she asked for, got her a cake she didn't want. Would you react the same way?
@chellepeterson9719 Nowhere in this story he says he asked for a specific album - that's one thing. They bought him album he didn't have cause they tried. I am on a spectrum, so I know I can come across rude, been told half of my life that I made faces and was argumentative, when, really, I only tried to express with words what was in my head. But I've never been ungrateful when someone clearly tried to give me something nice Example: my sister gave me Captain Marvel Funko Pop for Xmas once, because she knew I liked Marvel and Funko Pops, however I didn't really care for this character which she didn't know. I still thanked her, because she tried. This guy sounds like Dudley Dursley
Had me on his side till the christmas comment.
It's clear his parents LISTEN at least to some degree about his interests and wants.
They at least got him a t-ball for the ballpark ... not a sockerball to kick between home and first ...
(had right artist and media form ... that's better than MOST get when it comes to their hobbies/wants))
The cake ... Yes parents should have done something different. Or at least not expect him to eat any of it.
the comment about the cake being for the family to celebrate, and get him something else, spot on.
ESH
at least till more information is given.
I’m glad I do t have to deal with him on the regular. He has a point but so totally rude. Just say thank you and leave it alone. He has no tact.
Wow YTA😮
ESH... but hey the family should celebrate his bday, but ignore him🤷🏼♀️
I might be reading too much into this, but I’m wondering if in the past he has given lists (within reasonable costs) of exactly what he wants when they asked him and instead of getting anything off those lists, they have gotten what they think he should want or need. If that’s the case, I can see where he’s coming from.
If not, then it could have been handled better on both sides.