I Studied Thousands Of PEOPLE PLEASERS & Learned This...
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- Опубликовано: 8 сен 2024
- 95% of people pleasers care too much about what other people think... Here's the best way to overcome this!
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JULIEN's INSTAGRAM: / julienhimself
Julien Blanc (AKA JulienHimself) is a Swiss-born, U.S.-based self-help speaker, entrepreneur and transformational coach.
Since 2010, he has been traveling around the world and has personally coached tens of thousands of clients face to face... Empowering them to create massive success in their lives!
His record-breaking programs Transformation Mastery, Transformation Mastery Live, Transformation Mastery Live Advanced, Transformation Mastery Academy & Transformation Mastery Mentoring help people around the world achieve the HEALTH, WEALTH, RELATIONSHIPS & HAPPINESS they deserve!
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I Studied Thousands Of PEOPLE PLEASERS & Learned This...
Discover how to be real and how to be authentic!
Stop people pleasing! In this video, Julien Blanc (AKA Julien Himself) reveals how to stop caring about what others think about you... This will allow you to feel confident and be confident in any social situation!
Discover how to be confident in any social situation, how to be confident around people and how to be grounded during social interactions!
#julienblanc #julienhimself
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Comment your biggest takeaway below! (I personally read through EVERY single comment)
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- How I healed from childhood trauma: ruclips.net/video/Wa-PhDMhEVQ/видео.html
- The cause of social anxiety: ruclips.net/video/V6lwwZX7nfw/видео.html
💌 thanks for the content, brother. You deserve all the good coming from sharing your development!
Peach ✌️😂
Thank you for what you’re doing and what doing other coaches! ❤
I’m so glad I found support at many questions which were hunting me - like people all around who fake emotions. AAAAA so painful, like who are you REAL 😫
Thank you so much for this! I resonated so much with this girl and her feelings on people pleasing and i feel i needed this video especially right now in my life. I appreciate all you do and thank you for teaching us one video at a time how to authentically become the person we truly are.
The maintenance, paranoia, and pressure you described, to always police how I act and speak, was such a huge takeaway for me. I always thought that was just a natural part of life that I just had to accept. Thank you for opening my eyes to a different way of doing things.
I'm shook, you are truly an inspiration. You've made me realize how scared I am to be loud. I always labeled myself as quiet; but if I'm entirely alone and have everything locked up tight (so the neighbors don't hear😅) I allow myself to be clumsy and drop things, sing, laugh at the top of my lungs, have full conversations with the pets lol etc. I think I'm quite loud but I've just been so damn scared of making my presence known. Much love 🧡
⁰0000😊😊😊😊😊❤😊
Being an adult literally only means parenting your own self... and most of us are horrendous, abusive, and neglectful parents to ourselves, if we parented actual children the way we treat ourselves - we'd be locked up forever.
Wow . true
This is the best comment i have ever read. It actually changed my perspective😮😢🤯🤯thank you
Perfectly explained!!
This is so true. But let's not forget that society is created in such a way that wants us to feel shitty about ourselves. I mean you can look at it in two ways, you can say that we are being nice and manipulative because we don't have self respect or you can say that we are being too nice because society punished us for being real and authentic. We are not hurting ourselves because we want to, we are being too nice because it is a survival mechanism. We are afraid of the repercussions of being authentic. Unfortunately, our society has a crab in the barrel mentality where if one person tries to be him/herself, others drag them down because of jealousy. And most of us don't want to experience these attacks and sabotages because it hurts and we might get ostracised so we hide ourselves. I know it is not good to do that, and none of us wants this but we are just afraid.
But if were would be locked put, what about our parents? Not the majority sit in a prison I would assume, yet we had to feel it in our own skin to learn it. And most of us, I also presume, so don't hold it over me as I am subjectively speaking based on my experience and all that I have observed, have learnt this bad self-parenting behavior from our parents and how they spoke to themselves in front of us and to us. So if they aren't getting imprisoned for pushing that mindset on us, we won't be either. Which still doesn't mean we are not in a position to break that vicious circle - we should, in fact, for us. First for us and as a result, for everyone who cares for us and for those we care for and will care for (ex. future partners and children). We don't people please just to get things or gain positive feedback but also so we can survive in the survival mindset we have created in our own perceptions. It might not be all our own faults if we were thrown in there, but we play a fault if we never do our best to learn to just live and be authentic.
14:40 “And this is also true for self-esteem. Although, yes it might hurt if you do get rejected for being who you are … but, you know what hurts a lot more? … Only being accepted when you’re being somebody you’re not.”
Julien Blanc
"I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for the person I'm not. " - Kurt Kobain
Look into Julian's past and his partner, they are predators
@@beyondtheillusion333 your comment couldn't be a more irrelevant reply. ok so, predators in the past who now have devoted their lives to helping guys and girls heal and build sefl-esteem, what was your point again exactly ???
@@derekjp6043 is that what they're doing? Or are they Manipulating weak people into giving them money for false, unsustainable, short term confidence boosts? False gurus. Look into them yourself
@@beyondtheillusion333hahaha ok 🫠
seeing her finally open up in the last minute was amazing, saying she tried her cats food is something that I don’t think she would have ever done before that day.
Yes, she crushed it! MASSIVE respect to her! 🙌
@@JulienHimself kewl pants bruh
I like her a lot, she’s so naturally playful
Yes, MASSIVE respect to her for having the courage and willingness to do the work! 🙏
@@JulienHimselfgreat great work
❤
That kind of playfulness is actually a coping mechanism to diffuse or avoid tension or discomfort though.
@@CG-wr4noone of the more fun coping mechanisms then
I used to be a people pleaser growing up and id say for the most part it would feel pretty genuine. After a concoction of self work, traumatic experiences, and self healing in my young adulthood, I decided to be more true to myself and please people less. It was a big wake up call when most of the people in my life (including family) treated and looked at me different in a negative way. Nobody really understands or cares to understand and I feel lonlier than ever but I know that when I do make connections that they will be genuine and that those people will be able to know that every reaction they get from me is real.
100% a better situation. The people that'll want to stick around will for the long run.
I have the same thing with mine. I went crazy once and ended up in hospital but I also became myself I was free of anxiety and its like I didn't know what I was doing because I hadn't been authentic my whole life so I was all over the place... I was 27 at the time. I am 30 now and my god I have learned how to do it properly. Problem is now my family think I am crazy again! I am fine holding down a job got my own flat and good friends loving life following the vibe. Its hard for them because I haven't been myself for so long even they forgot.
As someone who did the same thing, I feel you. But you should know that the high from realizing someone accepts and loves you as your GENUINE self is the greatest high in the world.
I feel you. Once I stopped pleasing everyone, they ended the relationship saying I changed for the worse. In reality I just value myself more. Better to be alone than in the wrong company.
It’s not that you feel lonelier , it’s that your taking that love you put out externally and are giving it back to you internally, which is what you’ve needed all along but sourced it out externally by people pleasing. People are upset you no longer are who THEY want you to be. Your are coming back home to yourself.
Don’t feel lonely, it’s a blessing. You’re shedding that old skin and becoming who you really are, YOU! Now, you will attract those that are in alignment with the new you, and subtract those that aren’t . Glass is half full my friend
This hit the nail on the head for me. I feel like these tendencies come from having someone abusive in your life, often a parent, you're AFRAID of not being perfect and pleasing because it can result negatively for you.
This is true for me. I truly thought I was just being polite, but it was certainly more fear based then I realized.
True for me too!!
yup
Pleasers, in my opinion, are those who grow up in a difficult environment and want to be liked regardless of what happens next, even if it means sacrificing their true happiness to be that person who is adored by everyone except themselves.
Me. To think that I'm the youngest child too. everyone says we get love effortlessly, but hate is gained just as effortlessly. You could be loved by one parent and hated by the other, as well as the siblings. Your personality is too sheltered for other people too. You gotta pretend to survive. because once that one parent isn't there for you, you'll be abused like a dog.
The worst part of being a people pleaser is that people need conflict. Without conflict, we cannot integrate the different experiences and knowledge base of the individuals in a group into the group knowledge base. Either you will need a psychic leader to extract the knowledge or you will need individuals who feel empowered enough to stand up against the group when the group is wrong and that one person is the only one who sees it. People pleasers will just sit back and let the group go down the tubes if they feel they are going to cause trouble or look stupid by speaking up and in many situations this kind of inaction often leads to disaster.
so true
I couldn’t agree more with your comment!
i studied dog vomit for 4 years and you are correct
She is so honest, genuine and articulate from the very beginning. Basically knows a big part of herself. Wonderful convo
“Perfectionism is the opposite of relaxation”.
“Speak YOUR truth”
Yess
I see myself so much in her. There is this strong urge to be liked by you. Its overlaying the whole personality. Making kind of say yes to everything just to keep up this harmony
I was too. Totally relate to her. Its patriarchy. Sorry i know many people cringe at that but think about it.
@@specks_alotit's not patriarchy. i am a boy and have the same traits. we are prob
infjs
@@specks_alot It's not patriarchy. We need that to make the world work. It's a men's world. Feminism destroys it. But that's a completely different topic.
Worst part of being a people pleasure is while all of your actions, speech, existence is about being the "ideal" ,being liked by everyone ,you are not truly liked by anyone.
i resonate with the girl so much. i almost felt emotional when she became so happy on interrupting you on asking what aversion means. it's like i can physically see her knowing or coming true to the fact that interrupting someone won't cause you any harm. like she just realised that "yeah, i can do this, this won't kill me". and i also want to thank you for i thought this video was just about being your authentic self but it really made me feel comfortable in knowing that i can be a bit myself or set up boundaries, and not be overly nice everytime, even when i beat myself up for it later because i realise no one else will do the same for me. loved the video.
I have been a fake my whole life and I'm just now realizing it after seeing some your videos. You may have saved me man. Thank you
What hurts even more is being rejected or criticized for something that is inauthentic
You going to get rejected for being authentic or authentic but being unauthentic takes a lot of effort and you know deep down your being fake to yourself better to be rejected for being your authentic self atleast you have something which is you
I am a therapist, in practice for over 22 years. Although I agree with many of the concepts you present, I also think there is a situational over-simplification. What you are addressing is the reality of the persona--that controlled presentation of Self we offer to the world. The persona functions in much the same way as clothing; it serves to both protect and manage perceptions. We don't take our clothes off with everyone because to do so would be foolish. One could say it is because we are ashamed to reveal our true selves, but that only tells part of the story. The reality is, we only remove our clothes (i.e., reveal ourselves) to select people--and well we should! It may be a harsh reality that we do not live in a world of unfettered self-expression and yet, that is reality. If one accepts your core proposition that a compromised presentation of Self is damaging to one's self-esteem (and, I think more importantly, one's ability to authentically feel) and therefore should be reduced to as close to zero as possible, then it seems to me that central question should not be, "How do I strip away my persona and present myself as real at all times?", but rather, "How do I ensure that I am cultivating relationships with people in whose presence it is safe and appropriate to be authentic?"
The way that you find those people however, is by going first. By dropping the front, you will QUICKLY see who resonates with you and who doesn't... And who to cultivate safe relationships with. 👌
Therapy for 22 years yet you don't identify the people pleasing aspect of your statement? It is THE definition of pleasing people in the last sentence. This approach only protects the group, the institutions you identify with, not the individual. So no, it is basically impossible to be authentic if the first thought you project is to adhere to social norms.
@JulienHimself I appreciate your in-person response. 👍 I agree. I also agree with the general mission to help people learn to express themselves more authentically and honestly. Not only for the benefit this has for the individual, but also its effect on society, as more authentic communication contributes to a high-trust, high-functioning culture. I guess my point of disagreement (and, perhaps, it is not disagreement at all) is that rather than encouraging people to completely discard their persona, I think it is of greater benefit to teach them the true nature, utility, and management of it, and to help them to disentangle themselves from an over-identification of the Self with it. For example, I personally dress in a three-piece suit whenever I see my clients. I enjoy the persona, looking like an old-school psychotherapist at my office. It also puts me in state to do my job. My clients somewhat expect this, and it reassures them that they are paying for the services of someone who is competent. But I am not attached to that persona. To me, it's kind of like an enjoyable costume I put on, and I am well-aware of this. I don't regard myself as fake, however; that persona is, in a sense, a true expression of my love for the history of the study of Man's soul and for my own love of helping others to heal. But I also dress differently with my friends and family. Both are okay, and I personally don't see a contradiction. To me, it is perfectly logical-- and quite sensible --to adapt to different environments and to communicate differently with different people. It makes sense to speak French to someone who is French. It isn't a violation of authenticity, just because your native tongue happens to be English. We adapt and meet people where they are at. So, I guess, for me the key issues are those of being anchored in reality with regard to the persona, having full behavioral and emotional flexibility in its use, and also having an abundance of relationships wherein the persona can be minimized or relaxed.
@@cheetor18 You live in a society, not in the wilderness. Being authentic is a give and take, not some absolute. Jerks and greedy bastards can also be authentic. Doesn't mean it's good to be either because "DUH! THAT'S WHO I AUTHENTICALLY AM". Not to mention a big part of what we consider our "authentic" self is learned behaviors, including learned bad behaviors, conditioning, and imitation, that we just don't bother to identify as such. Not being a "people pleaser" doesn't mean put out any crap behavior you feel is 'yourself' and expect others to tolerate because this is "authentic".
@@Wolf88888I think you are approaching this the wrong way. Sure, following your analogy, you don't go naked into every interaction. Yet you can choose which clothes to wear.
Are you choosing the clothes based on what you want, or are you choosing your clothes based on what you think society wants? There was even mention of this in the video, choosing to be some way vs having to be some way
As someone who's gone/ going through this ive learnt the biggest antidote is humility. To know you don't have to be great or greater than others. I think you touched on this (humility) with the toilet question. A good challenge for sure 🙂
This does not help much when we are in situation like narcissistic abuse.
Julien talks about romantic interest and friendship here.
That is only 30 percent of interaction with other people.
@@ranc1977 People pleasing is usually a result of narcistic parenting... then it is more important to break that "golden" prison. In 4 words: "fuck the narcisist judgement"
@@JoseRRodriguez Now the question is why we are not explained about this golden prison?
Why we are explained as we are defective and we must perform circus tricks and invest emotional and behavioral deposits in order to attain our own approval?
Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics
- struggles with maintaining interpersonal relationships
- struggles with codependency
- impulsive or dangerous behaviors
- anxiety and hypervigilance
- fear of abandonment
- conflict avoidance/fear of conflict
- constantly seeking approval
- struggles with authority figures
- poor communication
- struggles with emotional regulation
- poor self-esteem and self-image, or constantly feeling "different"
Someone who's been mentally abused will:
- constantly apologize
- feeling not enough
- hide feelings
- hypersensitive to criticism
- breakdown during small disagreements
- need a lot of assurance
- struggle to put guard down
At first, the minority group, brown-eyes, resisted. Elliot told them that the blue-eyes children were smarter because of their blue-eyes. Children stopped resisting. Brown-eyes became timid and obedient.
Jane Elliot - Blue/Brown Eye Exercise (1968)
Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
🟨Janet G. Woititz
Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval.
🟨Janet G. Woititz
Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
Adult children of alcoholics over-react to changes which they have no control.
🟨Janet G. Woititz
Codependents in general and Adult children of Alcoholics tend to expect others to make them happy. When I don't get validation, my victim mentality will kick in - because that's what Mum did. She would complain if not validated. Negative thinking is learned behavior
🟥Lisa Romano
10 Common Struggles for Adult Children of Alcoholics
1. Being rigid and inflexible
2. Difficulty trusting or being closed off
3. Shame and loneliness
4. Self-criticism
5. Perfectionism
6. People pleasing
7. Being highly sensitive or reactive
8. Being overly responsible...
Adult children of alcoholics did the best they could do to survive as children. Their behaviors, coping skills and personalities were shaped by chaos and trauma. As adults their inner child is still exiled and terrified lead to compensatory.
🟥Doc Snipes
Sometime ago I studied about eneagram of personality, and I realize that that is a pattern on type 2 enneagram personality... well everybody uses masks to copy with life and relationships, buut the best of this mask (type2) is humility and the the worse is pride.. easy to understand, not so easy to act. But understand that was life changing for me. And I think you got the point .. not a good idea putting tags on people, but at the same time.. that's allow a better self-knowledge, so it has benefits for me. You're doing great job on yourself, God bless you
@@Mateus-gt2iq Finding magical instructions and solutions in random words and numbers is path to schizophrenia.
You know….. today I didn’t wear a baseball cap in public for the first time in roughly 10 years. I have always hidden my true self from people and literally put myself into that golden prison(more ways that just a hat). I got through work and no one had a bad thing to say, In fact people talked and engaged with me MORE today than in the last week. I’m scratching my free head as to why that simple change led to such a change, but I guess it really doesn’t matter.
From personal experience. The fact im not authentic around specific person or types of people and dynamic doesn't mean im compromising my authenticity, i just don't show things some people can't understand. And the truth is being excluded is a very painful thing and you can't really survive in an environment where you're being excluded if you can't yet find that one person who's more like you, willing to open their minds and see all possibilities. Until then, its better to know who not to be authentic with because they themselves are far from being authentic and it can only be used against you. Learned this the hard way, many times again and again and it takes time to know who you can really open up with and until you learn to trust yourself. If you have all these, you owe nothing to no one and you can be "inauthentic" as long as you like until it feels right. And it will feel right when it really is.
you are entirely compromising your true self, by not being yourself in repeating situations. doesn’t matter about the intentions.
I partly disagree. Of course, you can have bad experience being authentic around some people, but regretting it or thinking you are used just means that you expected something in return. Like there should be a reward from others for being authentic. I think complete freedom comes from accepting that sometimes people will react badly and you may be hurt and experience bad emotions, but biggest reward is practicing freedom and getting closer to your worth or success not depending on others at all.
If it is a shitty boss why not risk getting fired if you speak the truth. You will find something better and develop yourself through that process.
@@Lexx0787
I totally agree with you. I know i have some things (issues) to work on and this is definitely one of them. I know i wouldn't have expressed myself this way if things were better with me and the way i see some things.
@@Bar_Bar27 Yes, this process takes years, but with practicing it gets easier. I am also still struggling sometimes. Sometimes I get affected and half of my day I feel shitty and think about what someone said to me. But few years back that would last for a day, two, a week. Good thing about practicing this is that it counts, just like when you practice sport, you can get rusty but your brain will remember all the positive steps you did towards freedom.
@@Lexx0787
Yes i can see this small changes in myself too. Thank you for sharing
Let me be honest.
Fear is of the evil one, Julian is doing great work bringing people out of fear.
Thank you so much Julian 💯
I relate with her about the language thing. I'm also not a native speaker and the fact she just went there without been super fluent in English makes me relief and helps me to realize that it's okay not no be perfect. Amazing work :)
Be proud your learning!! I love ppl w accents I can listen to them all day, even ppl from different parts of america
Her self awareness is amazing! The vulnerability is unmatched!
For me people pleasing comes from fear of rejection
I have a hard time avoiding dark topics - truths - when wanting to make the conversations meaningful.
I relate to this so much.. I have stopped talking about these stuff because it feels like I am a buzzkill but now I feel disconnected from everyone because I dont feel I can have playful, fun interactions with friends/family/people... Its exhausting to feel so isolated and not good enough in any social context...
Okay, so I'm 19 years old.
I've people pleased for as long as I can remember.
My interactions have never been authentic.
Even with my family.
As a result , i don't know who I am.
I live different lives according to who I'm surrounded by.
I haven't developed as an individual.
It's pathetic.
Have you found a way to find out who you are yet?
@@nnglnd Not entirely... But I've become so much more aware of myself and I believe that's a step in the right direction. Still working on it! Not giving up,🤗
Be yourself , everyone else is taken .
Yes! 👌
Interesting
i connect so much with her!! the disconnect/impulsive need to agree in order to be nice and get along...the perfectionism...yep. but so beautiful and quick, sassiness, and also soft and kind. amazing. i was cheering her on the whole way through.
As a former people pleaser, I had no idea this is considered people pleasing. I understand her struggle with saying "yes" because she didn't want to admit she didn't understand and thought if she asked people to repeat or clarify what they had said they would be annoyed by that. Some people are but friends usually aren't. I have many Japanese friends who often tell me "What? Say it again." Americans sometimes ask me to repeat what I said because of my accent, lol. Our Japanese clients often don't understand English and always would nod yes to everything and this can be more annoying that saying I don't understand. I loved this video and her attitude because it was full of fun while teaching big lessons.
Like Julien, you mix up people pleasing with agreeableness, Negative politeness, after-effect of narcissistic abuse, culture of toxic shame. You over generalize and place it all in the same bucket.
That is how bias, prejudice, wrong conclusions and wrong decisions are born - when we overgeneralize and place rigid thinking as some general rule to deal with extremely complex matter.
Omggg, she's so adorable.
I came across this channel last night, and I like the real approach that Julien takes. I've listened to so many Gurus, and at times, it's way too poetic for my taste. We live in a real world, and I like the real approach
She is
Oh wow, I saw myself in this girl. People pleaser have learned to manipulate so well that they even find it easy to deceive themselves.
Thank you so much Julien!!
Greetings from Poland
I resonated with this video on so many levels. Listening to the inner voice and projecting it out in any social situation even if it means temporary loss is a huge battle won. With this information, I can learn to just RELAX. Thank you for your work, this information is priceless.
Yes, exactly! You are so welcome! 🙏
Powerful and important message. I think for many people pleasers a good way to heal is to learn to regulate and recognise fear.
This is so scary to me!! I’ve done so much people pleasing. I don’t know when I’m doing it.. I’ll have to watch this over and over!
I feel like I'm already being very authentic towards all my friends and family, without much effort by now, every since Jordan Peterson helped me understand the importance of honesty. The only context in which I still struggle with authenticity is the work environment. I can't unite these two concepts in my head, because I feel like they can't go 100% together almost by definition. You need a persona at work, especially if you have a service related job. I feel like I would lose my job after a day of being authentic.
For people who have a partner that is a people pleaser, there’s always far more fights over them being fake then them being real, it causes so many problems in a relationship. Not only are you lying about who you are to yourself, you are lying to others about who you are and that causes major problems in a relationship when relationships are supposed to be built off of trust. How is the person supposed to trust you and your intentions if you’re trying to please them all the time? Then your partner feels hurt, taken advantage of, lied to, etc. a cycle of pain.
Love her😂 love her personality 💗
She should not be afraid of anything!
Thats not real Her thats exactly Why everyone likes Her shes been doing that for a long time
"NOTHING is worth sacrificing your authenticity for" YESS 👏 👏
I'm a massive people pleaser and it's soo strange when someone does something kind for me so basically, I will constantly say thank you.... I think that might be annoying so then my brain gets confused on whether I should say it again or not 😅😂
If you're a people pleaser, be sure to watch this video as well: ruclips.net/video/bWqTAqxocXQ/видео.html 😉
@@JulienHimself ok!
I found myself prey to a narcissist because I am a people pleaser. That experience made me recognize it for the negative that it is and I did the work as to why I became this way. I am determined to now please myself first and foremost. I’m authentic self focused now! Thank you for this video!
@Lill-writes same! ❤😅
Thank you @JulienHimself for these videos, recently found you and so appreciate you. 🙏💜
That’s common with me as well. A big people pleaser. I put on my public face on and I can achieve temporary results. I get 1-3 dates, no more. It is hard to preform at work as well, keeping meaningfull conversations with friends. You can tell I’m not relaxed and I calculate what and how to say it.
I know how it is when you have to speak in foreign language. This can be oil on already existing fire of social anxiety.
That is called Jung's Mask - and you do not put it. We are taught to build fake mask and to wear it since childhood.
Without this fake mask we would be like Diogenes - we would poop in street, masturbate in public, spit and urinate everywhere and yell at random people.
Think of Fake Mask as a Star Trek translation mechanism - it helps us to communicate with various and different people who come from different backgrounds and have their own micro rules and differences. There are big 5 personality types - which different spectrum inside it. It is inevitable that when various people meet - that there will be personality clash.
In order to handle and minimize personality clash - we need fake mask.
Fake mask can be used in narcissism as a method to cover up vulnerability and toxic shame, and to lure new victims into abuse -
but all of us others we use fake mask as a mean to communicate with other people.
@@ranc1977 where should you draw the line?
@@tothemoon8465 "where should you draw the line?"
Excellent question.
With social anxiety issues such as what colloquially is called "people pleasing" - we are talking here actually is Fawning.
Fawning is trauma response.
This means,
1) people pleasing is based on some shocking event that we never fully processed so we are stuck in repetition mania - so we need to process the blockage that keeps us stuck
and
2) we do not trust ourselves. We depend on other people to explain us what is correct and how we ought to behave , act and what kind of decisions in life we must make - in order not to make mistake, in order to be perfect, in order to make perfect moral and ethical decisions and actions - which all stems from ACoA ACE dysfunction - where we were raised in ambient of control and constant criticism.
So problem here is codependency - we depend on other people to explain us reality. That is called External referencing locus of control, it is trauma bonding.
So - to answer your question - where should we draw the line:
the problem is that we do not trust our own brain. We are conditioned to create false image of superiority and grandiosity, where we are not allowed to make mistakes. Making a mistake means exclusion, punishment - as this was conditioned into us during ACoA childhood.
So unless we are aware of this Operand Conditioning that is propelling us to be perfect and to have unrealistic moral and ethical standards that hamper our lives-
we will be stuck in treating small symptoms as they crop up. Basically we don't have compass to lead us into greater destiny. Instead - we are stuck in reaction, in reactivity mode, where we depend on other people to make any kind of decisions in life.
Breaking the Operand Conditioning, trauma, people pleasing, fawning - means that we start to trust our own brain, even with its conditioning. This is called Validation and total Self Acceptance.
This process is described in Humanistic psychology - and it is a slow process.
Once we start to validate our decisions, no matter how much flawed and errored they are - we will slowly start to trust our decisions, our emotions - and we will be able to build more resilient personality - that takes care of our own well being and not merely reacting to people through people pleasing or not people pleasing.
Once we accept ourselves, as flawed as we are - we will start to make protest and express our needs and wants naturally, without Julien's techniques on stage which will never work in real life when we are faced with predators, skilled brainwashing love-bombing manipulators and discard narcissists of all kinds.
Sinead O'Connor told us when we speak our own truth, it will be like digging our own grave -
because we live in toxic society where narcissists are brainwashing us into people pleasing. When we people please, we are zombies, other people manipulate and control us and we silently obey to their commands.
I like this quote:
Carl Rogers: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change.”
Improving our relationships is improving our mental health.
William Glasser
Interpersonal strife with those close to us leads to rifts and resentments that produce symptoms of mental illness; these problems are, in fact, the logical consequence of troubled relationships.
Glasser emphasizes that lasting psychological problems are usually caused by problems in our personal relationships (rather than signifying a biochemical abnormality in the brain), and distress can be remedied through repairing these relationships without recourse to psych drugs.
WILLIAM GLASSER
Controlling Habits:
Blaming
Criticizing
Complaining
Nagging
Rewarding To Control
Threatening
Punishing
William Glasser
William Glasser "What's my Choice" Connecting Habits:
Listening
Supporting
Encouraging
Negotiating
Respecting
Accepting
Trusting
To say what you feel is to dig your own grave
Album: I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got
Black Boys on Mopeds
Song by Sinéad O'Connor
Someone who's been mentally abused will:
- constantly apologize
- feeling not enough
- hide feelings
- hypersensitive to criticism
- breakdown during small disagreements
- need a lot of assurance
- struggle to put guard down
Thanks for sharing.
@@TheAstrologyVitamin People pleasing is QuietBPD issue.
9 Signs if Quiet BDP
1. You are calm on the outside but suffer on the inside
2. You have a high need for control, and hate uncertainty
3. You withdraw from people and shut down very easily
4. You mentally retreat or dissociate, as coping mechanism
5. You have an unclear sense of self, resulting in low self-esteem
6. You always blame yourself for everything, and self sabotage a lot
7. You avoid conflicts and anger at all cost, and check yourself as not to offend anyone
8. You are extremely fearful of both abandonment and intimacy
9. You look 'perfect' from the outside, but deep down inside you keep on isolating yourself more
-
Quiet BPD subtype
Also known as High-Functioning BPD
One of the subtypes of BPD, people living with "quiet" or "discouraged borderline" live in extreme emotional turmoil because they don't show their distress.
- not easily detectable
- those with the disorder often struggle alone because they feel like a burden
- common people-pleasing behavior
- withdraw when upset
- feel detached from the world to cope
- fear of rejection and abandonment
- fear of being alone
- social anxiety and self isolation
(Healthline, 2020) ; thebrightbabe
-
QuietBPD
A person living with quiet BPD will typically internalize their emotions, which creates invisible feelings of turmoil that can make life extremely difficult. While quiet BPD is not an official diagnosis, the use of this term denotes a subtype of BPD that tends to turn symptoms inward rather than outward (which makes it less obivious).
As a result of this, quiet BPD often tends to go undiagnosed, misdiagnosed as something else (eg depression, social anxiety, autism), or takes longer to diagnose because of the lack of classic symptoms.
I loved this. Made me more relaxed myself when I also answered these questions about me. I once fell in love with a guy named Marco in sixth grade of elementary school, never told anyone about this. Something nerdy about me: I really like to work with analytics of any kind and Excel sheets, love to go very deep into a subject that I like until I get it, and contemplate all kinds of possible correlations between random things in life.
lol anybody know a Marco?
She is so adorable, its crazy
I'm a people pleaser but just to avoid drama, not to get anything out of it. I work in an office environment, if the real me was to come out the rest of my coworkers would see me as an outsider since I don't complain 10 times a day on a daily basis, so I have to pretend that the world sucks. I don't know how to set boundaries, I have tried but it's like in one ear and out the other. It's really difficult to be myself and really difficult to be a hypocrite. I just want everyone to be happy so I don't hear the complaining, I complain to others from others complaining to me, vicious circle. It's getting easier though since I'll be getting out of the office environment soon, given my personality I found out more than a year ago that the only thing I could do for a job is to be my own boss/have my own business, it's not something big but it's all that I need. I wish everyone the best of luck in your journey!
Be relaxed enough to smooth thing over, but real enough to establish boundaries.
"Although, yes, it might hurt if you do get rejected for being who you are; but you know what hurts a lot more? Only being accepted when you’re being someone that you’re not. What a terrible life is that? Forever a mask!" - Julien Himself
You hit the nail on the head about people pleasers having toxic relationships. I know one who just cannot seem to keep friends. I listen as she tells me the reason for the falling outs and find that the common denominator is her. I don't tell her this, but. People pleasers are good manipulators, too, i've noticed.
(Edit)
Wow! Commented the above before getting to the end of the video and it's speaking on manipulation! I was right, lol.
I find this awkward and not helpful (lots of superficial platitudes) but I do hope it helps others
She will always tell people what she thinks they want to hear
Whats interesting to me is how PARENTS will actually make you lie about silly stuff just to guard the good image they want to preserv amongst their peers. This struck me greatly as a child, and felt as if it was corrupting myself just to please others who need not to be pleased, and to keep and imaginary idea of a father/mother figure that would not exist and furthermore be ashamed of the actual parent. It also breaks into conflict of the idea of noble and strong parenting figure one can have as a child, that will collide with reality at some point in the future. No need to tell how all these possibly translate to your actual attitud in life
I agree with the woman in the audience. I know i can be too agreeable and it doesn't always serve me well. But i also have come to view it as a skill that no everyone has, i am a self employed contractor and my ability to befriend anyone has carried me far in life.
Yes, when you have to work hard to secure sales, people pleasing is a valuable skill. Julien should remind his audience that their skills have value in certain situations.
For me, the moments when she was serious and contemplating were more relaxing to watch than when she was giggling. When she was giggling and it was out of insecurity or embarrasment it was harder to watch from outside. the more real moments, when she was serious or quiet, not laughing were a bit of a relief - very subtle - and I could only feel that in comparison. This is strangely anti-intuitive. Normally you would assume it's more relaxing to be around a laughing person than a serious person, but it all depends where it comes from and when laughing is the front and seriousness is real, it's actually nicer to be around the serious version. So yeah, real beats "nice".
I’ve watched a few Julien videos now, and observing his body language and facial expressions in this one, I interpreted it as he’s attracted to this lady and he’s blushing. The way he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, his face turning red, his smiling and blushing and he’s not so “in your face” in this video, but rather a little bit people pleasing himself, to her. I could be totally wrong on all of this, but even if it were true I’d say it’s totally okay! He’s a human being who is doing the real spiritual work to free himself and helping others, and this is the work I’m doing on myself too! We’re all going to get attracted to people etc.. I dunno I thought to share my thoughts out there but also just to say no judgment and it’s okay for us to feel however we feel! Then again I could be totally wrong here but that’s okay too
İ thought the same thing
She's a very smart girl that loves cats and awful movies, her French artistic side came up a little bit in this interaction, she's also really good at improvisation.
Wow she really was the perfect subject to call up on stage! Well done both!
Removed people pleasing, especially delusion that I "know" what other may feel and I "predicted" and pleasing people according to that. xD
So big thanks Julien, appreciate that work you doing. Also doing letting go around 1 and half years and experiencing immence results!
For that people who only new in the self-acceptance world just remember: it's only 1 step a day and you will be another person after only year.
Nice! Congrats on your progress with letting go!! 🙌
@@JulienHimself I've received benefit, enjoyment and progress from your work. Thank You
"Removed people pleasing, "
And now you are a narcissist?
Low agreeableness is equal to narcissism and being a psychopath.
People pleasing is not sickness. Without agreeableness we won't be able to connect with people- instead you will only base any contact on scaring the other person into submission and tyranny over them. The only way to make any interdependence and true connection is that sometimes we listen to other people - which is people pleasing. Sometimes we need to assume that we get wrong conclusions and we need to give other people a benefit of doubt - which is people pleasing. Sometimes the other person is sick and we may think that they are lazy and pretending to be sick - and we need to over-ride our wrong conclusions and take care of our friends, sibling, family member - and that is people pleasing.
What Julien is confusing is toxic shame and toxic guilty, over-responsibility and Negative politeness with People pleasing. He lumps it all together - and this is done by CBT (official therapy for social anxiety), this quick lumping and over generalization of human behavior.
We will resort to people pleasing as a mechanism to survive narcissistic abuse. Without it, we would get punished or even worse.
In toxic job, without getting fired - we need to resort to people pleasing. It is great if we live in NY or LA where we can easily find similar job - but in the rest of the world, we may actually chug on toxic job for a while with people pleasing to survive there - unless we want to become homeless or codependent victim parasiting in someone's home.
So what Julien is trying to tell us - that we have neurotic beliefs which we learned in toxic childhood and exposure to narcissistic abuse over long period of time.
IT is programming and hypnosis that we must fix other people's emotions and belief that we are responsible for someone's anger - and that we must do everything to make them happy - and going overboard in fixing their problems. This is not people pleasing. This is Operand Conditioning hypnosis and programming. And this cannot be removed by logic - since we will feel intense toxic guilt and toxic shame when we do not fix other people.
Julien's decision to over-generalize agreeableness as people pleasing and as a sickness to destroy - will lead to punishment. Toxic people in power position will punish us when we stand up for ourselves. He does not talk about that.
HE does not mention unfavorable power dynamics at all. Instead he uses toxic shame to fight general empathy and care for other people. Totally wrong approach.
IT is like he tries to kill the small dangerous wasp with an explosive - he will shoot himself in the foot or someone in the background who is standing next to him.
That is masculine approach - that we push our emotions down, all our emotions, good or bad.
However human mind is not aligned with social conformism and social constructs of masculinity that West has groomed for 2000 years due to organized religion.
In real life, when we dump our emotions - we will develop mental illness.
@@josephprice6617 What is agreeableness?
Agreeableness is a personality trait that describes a person's ability to put others needs before their own. Those who are more agreeable are more likely to be empathetic and find pleasure in helping others and working with people who need more help.
(thomas)
Agreeableness is considered counterweight to narcissism. Narcissism personality style is disagreeableness or antagonism. Agreeableness: empathic, warm, flexible, make accommodation for other people, follow the rules, highly ethical. Opposite of narcissism.
(Mel Robbins/Dr. Ramani "You're not crazy, you're just dealing with narcissist")
@@JulienHimself You're building up a nation of Trumps inadvertently.
Guy is on point.
He hits right where the problem is and explains how to deal with it.
Thats the right way to do it.
9:13
This made me realize the 2 friends I had growing up until I was 13 and are the very few that knew my authentic self and super connected to each other even after years of absence.
I’m 32 and I rarely speak to them but each time we talk or hang out it feels strangely comfortable and genuine. As if we’re a close happy family. Honestly they give me the relief that I didn’t know I needed… everyone else feels dull, numbing and forced.
I’ve been lonely and because I know people aren’t the love I’m seeking. I’m seeking it in myself. I get to have good times with limiting human interaction to be alone, and being care free to where I’m purely authentic to my animals. That’s the only way I found to get my authenticity out on center stage. I LOVE that version of me but she only comes out when I’m alone, which is t often enough.
I believe if I get the real me that I barely recognize out to show others that I’m genuine and have no shame in that. Then the right people will love me.
i can only speak for myself. i always was a loner. i was very social indeed and many people liked me for how i was. but the older i get (i'm a 45 f) the more i realise, that i don't care what people think and i don't want to act like they want to have me to act. i lost a few jobs, bc i was not the norm. but i don't care. i'm more real than ever and i will never change that again.
I was so in tune with that when he said to the woman, no Nothing is worth undermining his authenticity. nothing! He is so good! ♥️
Seeing this woman reminds me of how authentic I am. It's sad people live a lie
It's sad people become people pleasers due to fear of rejection
I agree with most of this except when the environment you are in isn't safe to be authentic and being authentic could compromise your job, financial well being, relationships, connection to your community. I think most places it will be a benefit to be yourself but some places it could cause you your life or health. And also it depends on your personality and what privilege's you have. You could authentically be an awful person that wouldn't be excepted by others easily but have money, pretty privilege, ...etc that provides an allowance for you to be more easily excepted. I feel like being authentic is often synonymous with being your "best true self", when some people are naturally terrible people and put on masks knowingly to fit into societies standards better for themselves or for others. I think being aware that you can be authentic and practicing it is good, but it is not the end goal.
What I don't understand about being authentic is when should I be authentic? I almost exclusively talk to people when I'm feeling "good" rather than when I'm feeling like "sh*t". I even asked someone from your FB group if I should be authentic when I'm feeling negative. And he asked me if I accepted myself that way, I said no, and he said nothing afterwards. I've lived the last 17 years as a hermit because I don't want people seeing me when I'm feeling like crap, and when I'm around people when I'm feeling crappy, I act like I'm feeling good. I put on that front because it's so unacceptable to feel bad and express it. People get really sick of it, almost everyone leaves. And I keep watching your videos and trying to decipher whether to be real or not when I'm not feeling good, but I just feel like I'm not getting a clear answer. I have no idea what to do.
Edit: When he went silent after I said no, it basically confirmed to me that I'm right, I'm not good enough until I'm feeling "good" the majority of the time.
I deal with similar feelings, and recently I realized that the first step is accepting yourself even for the negative feelings. It is okay to feel sad, and it's okay to feel like shit sometimes. Your feelings are valid, and trying to suppress them will only make it worse. You have to acknowledge them and allow yourself to feel that way and express it. Most of the time it is not the feeling itself, that is problematic. It is us not being able to accept the feeling and trying to suppress it, which is basically not being authentic. So you should be authentic even when you are feeling sad, but you should also be authentic or real enough to also allow yourself to feel good in such situations. For me, I sometimes have the feeling that because something terrible happened in my life that saddens me, I should not experience happy moments during that period. This is also just wrong and again not authentic. You should love yourself regardless of your feelings, accept them, and then let them go. It is hard to do, but it is really worth it :)
@@limonemo7154 For me, I grew up, when I'd cry, or get angry, or have any emotion, happy or sad, I was beaten for it, screamed at, or worse. So, I still feel like, if I cry and let it go, I'm letting them win, even if they never see me cry. I'm beginning to recognize that that is so far from the truth. Letting it go means I win, and the abusers lose, which is what I want, my form of revenge. And I fear having anyone see me emotional because I fear the abuse or screaming is going to happen again. Rationally, I know that won't happen, or if someone puts their hands on me, I could have them arrested, but emotionally ... And it's the emotional knowledge or feeling that will change it all. The rational knowledge does little.
@@extreme-cm8hbYes! You're right! Do no let them win! You are better than them.
@@emycharaa Thanks so much!!
Julien i really like the thing that you re trying to say to not be afraid of interrupting and express yourself and what you are thinking but we live in a hard world that is not utopian and you need to survive among creatures that wont be your friends, so how all these can be applied in the working environment? I would really appreciate if you could do a video about behavior at work and how you can keep feeling well while there is a mask that your reality forces you to put on. Thank you Julien!!!
That's the result of too much social media influence. Be natural and authentic is one of the most beautiful things in the world.
I have anger issues because I have been silent for almost 30 years. Now when I speak my truth I become aggressive. I have lost control so many times, have insulted and told horrible things to my parents and my partner. I am lucky they have forgiven me. I have felt much better after spilling it all out but I have hurt people very much and had to apologize after. Haven't found that perfect balance yet.
Hi Julien. I liked the way you were interacting with her. My takeaway..I found myself in the person who cannot interrupt others during they speak. Especially in the work and when I hear my inner voice (as you mentioned intuition) I make it silent and just pretend I understood everything ( also I am speaking in second language). I also laughed many times. :D
Ive always been a people pleaser. I am naturally quite critical of ideas, headstrong about my opinions and analytical and I know that being too much that way will often result in arguments. Majority of my people pleasing comes from relenting my opinion to be in harmony even if internally I disagree, and it comes off fake. In BIG 5 I score as dusagreeable, and I am disagreeable, but I fake agreeableness and it is just off putting and I know people feel it. I’ve been learning how to more confidently and more charmingly communicate my disagreements. Asking questions has also been a game changer for me because it allows me to be critical without being rudely or callously disagreeable. Someone could say something and I’ll just be like “okay I understand you”, when in reality I don’t, in reality I could think your opinion makes zero sense to me but I just didnt know how to get to a place to explain myself without being so seemingly so dismissive. So asking more questions like “why di you think that way?” Or “what do you mean when you say this?”, those questions really help me understand the person more so that I wont come off as so dismissive when I eventually do disagree and offer a different perspective. Also clarifying that something is simply my opinion and having the humility to say that really helps, because then you dont come off as arrogant like “my ideas are always right”. Still working on it. Also smiling is a big one. That just helps to defuse the situation so so much better.
true healing is tripart:
healing begins with your body. become comfortable in your vehicle, honoring it. loving it. stretching, practicing jin shin jyutsu. healing your body. whatever that means to you. run, stretch, eat healthier. all that jazz
then others. you heal relationships. offering apologies where necessary. connecting in a way with them that makes sense to them. find commonalities and build bridges to and toward others. they will respond
then your self. DO NOT ABANDON OR FORFEIT YOUR SOUL. to not people please you must first find there is a person within you worth sharing. you must feel good about the person you present. ppl people please because they dont feel good enough about themselves and there is no person worth defending or standing up for. one feels void of selfhood. ego strength is dead low.
people only please others because they forgot themselves. yet, first there must first be a person worth loving (yourself) in order to defend. one must develop a idgaf attitude truly to be a self. all our favorite ppl have this. they were brave enough to stand out. all our artists and greatest film makers said fuck it, this is me. ppl are truly a bore bc they lost contact with the sexual sensuality of creativity. living a proper life is an artform. listening to your interests from our past lives is a skill. ppl only please othersbc they have nothing to even offer of themselves. such a bore. yet, if they opened up to what pulls them and calls out to them, they would become free. to be a person. it isnt easy. so we please others bc it makes us forget our dullness when validation is external while left alone without said validation most of us would crumble under the weight of our abandoned self. such a shame
essential
I strive to be as genuine and "You're either with me or you're not." as you. I'm at the beginning of my journey, and I hope to improve my self image for me.
Also, I found her very charming after she dropped that mask! I need to see more of that in me.
the more il have learned to open up and say own opinion, and act and wear clothing il like, the more happier i am, yes people have get hurt for my saying, i have got a lot of people complaining about my clothes or anything that is not "mainstream" or for opinions on conversations, and had trown shallow people out of my life, only some really good friends and other people who are brawe enought to open their mouth and have something to say, other than fake pleasing and acting
Julien please keep doing what you do and keep uploading. You are doing wonders to my life. I watch every video as soon as I get the notification and your channel is THE ONLY channel for which I've enabled notifications. I would love for you to experiment with content a bit more.
i think she is genuine if you agree. Don't overthink
THUMBS UP
The reason she went on that scene was to outshine you so naturally she won’t be talking about gross stuff that you are into. She went to win audience attention and not to cause controversy and disguist
If I were in her place, I would say yes, you are right, sir, to make him happy and not to tire him out any further. My people pleaser side is more than worst that everyone can imagine
Realized this has been my biggest weakness in life, but I literally have no idea who I am, though I never intended to lie to anyone. Part of it has been living with Schizoaffective disorder, being polite and believing in a fairness for everyone to speak their piece and feeling literally unconscious of my actions. I've been learning about politics and real world issues and realize now that I've essentially been manipulating people without directly knowing it. I wanted to believe that everyone could get along, but I'm starting to see how it's not really possible. AI is the only thing that I think could possible bring us together and that's a hot topic issue that could swing either way. Even there I'm actively trying to not make a decision and be careful about what I say because I don't know what is right (observation of the self).
I like the way she talks.
Love it! I'm "teaching" this too bc it is so beautiful, so powerful, so honest and what the world really needs to be able to live and feel healthy community and role models again ❤️ thank you, Julien!
Did she have an alcoholic parent or grow up in a chaotic household? This is very common among those who did. My dads an angry alcoholic and my mom was extremely volatile growing up, pair that with having an older sister who’s physically abusive, I’ve always had to be hyper vigilant to the emotions / moods of those around me. It was necessary for survival. It’s so exhausting. I feel for this girl. On with the video…
Tô procurando os brasileiros, sempre adorei esse tipo de conteúdo do julien e sempre me identifiquei muito
mas infelizmente, nunca tive ninguém pra compartilhar, sinta se livre pra saber que tem mais gente como vc por aqui...
Sigo o trabalho dele há anos e já me arrisquei em alguns dos programas dele... seria legal ter alguem aqui no Br como ele
@@MrcL91 concordo mano , so tenho medo de não ser tão bom quanto ele..
se bem que isso tbm faz parte do processo.
Muito bom, acompanho todos os vídeos...
tamo junto!!! bora compartilhar!!
Interestingly the origin of the word weird (wyrd) is about following your path of destiny or "authenticity" as you say. The greatest friend I have told me that just yesterday
i love this guy, i thankfully am grateful for myself and am as true as i can to me and even though
i'm fine, i love just randomly taking good advice from these videos, it's awesome mate, keep up your lovely work!
He has gone into wrong direction.
He turned social anxiety issue into Fight response to deal with trauma. Fight response ("screw being nice, screw being polite, be real instead otherwise it is manipulation, why you manipulate me now at 23:00).
Well, news flash - fight response is also manipulation.
If we have inner goal to manipulate people - we will manipulate them as our ultimate goal.
Nice people ,empathic people do not have ultimate goal to control other people. Narcissists use that.
In general - people cannot handle truth - not even Julien - since he obviously never replies to my comment - so he does not follow his own advice.
Feedback hurts, cognitive dissonance is painful. And we can only package our message in people pleasing wrap to deliver the truth. Being "honest" will annoy other people - and it is great when we remove people who hate honesty - however in real life - we are stuck in toxic jobs we cannot quit and must stay in contact with other people, we have family members who are difficult -
when we follow Julien advice - we would all be isolated and alone - since we would label any person around us as dishonest and we would feel entitled that other people must tolerate our BO and BS - and feel attacked if they do not like it. That is narcissism.
He is basically now teaching how to become narcissist. That is totally wrong direction.
the marketing for this video is perfect!
I’m so in love with her.
Babe’s I hope you see this, you are genuinely THE funniest, brightest prettiest girl I’ve ever seen! Everything about you is so light. Gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous energy
I have drowned myself so deep that I can't tell who I actually am anymore
I'm someone who discovered your channel recently and resonated with multiple ideas of yours, including the majority of the ones you presented in this video (btw great job, keep going);
But, as a person who has been practicing being 'the authentic me', I have to point out some statements I consider to be flawed:
What triggered me was the sentence "don't be polite if you don't mean it". This type of thinking is very individualistic and favors impulsive behaviors, for the sake of being true to yourself.
Let's take me as an example: sometimes I'm really pissed for no actual reason. Imagine if I went around mistreating people just because it would be 'the real me'.
What about the feelings of my loved ones? Don't they matter as well? If I care about them, can't I choose not to mistreat them, even though I'd be expressing my current emotions doing so?
That is not manipulation, that is consideration: by considering the feelings of others, I choose to be polite.
Now that doesn't mean I don't agree with you on the other parts: if its main purpose is to be liked, it's manipulation.
I have been this impulsive 'authentic' me many times, and I've RUINED multiple relationships (non-romantic), because, while I was people pleasing or not, I almost NEVER considered the other person's feelings.
I alternated between one of the extremes: either I faked a personality to be liked, or I let it all out in the wrong moment and hurt people who really cared about me.
My advice to whoever is reading this is: be yourself 100% with everything that doesn't directly affect others (your style, your personality, your likes and so on).
But when it comes to social interactions, think about WHO you wanna be with and around.
And once you find those people, actually think, and think HARD about how you affect them.
And when I say "think hard" I don't mean that you should plan your interactions or something like that.
I just mean that you should know what you want from them (to be around them, learn from them, their love, etc), and be real about that.
And, after expressing your true intent, you should treat them accordingly.
So if you love someone, you shouldn't mistreat them if you're feeling bad, for example.
I hurt myself being real since then I've pleased everyone I met and overtime I forgot myself went through a depression phase but thanks to this videos I'm getting back to me thanks Julien❤️
Teaching people to love, appreciate and have mercy on self. Value yourself.
In a lot of cases people pleasers were invalidated by their parents growing up and as an adult they just want people to accepted or be validated.. I lived this life so I know this first hand
I have an anxious attachment style when it comes to people I really love. My wife has an avoidant style. I'm the pleaser/pursuer, she is the one who outruns my advances. Which makes me want to please and chase harder. I hate giving without receiving. I hate pleasing when I don't get anything back.
Great vid! The saying your truth lesson really came trough to me!
Thank you! Glad this was impactful for you!
i like that she got the guts to say "ii'll have no friends if i do that" while i might answer the question with tears lol
I really want to change. I have been people pleasing since I was a child. I grew up with a father who was abusive towards my mother and I learned to behave the way he wanted to so I dont get on his bad side. As I got older I more and more realised enough is enough, thing is... when i stand up for myself and stop taking shit from others I have this gnawing feeling inside of me like eating away at me. My whole existence is screaming at me to just give up and revert to my older behaviour.
Becoming abuser ourselves and passing generational trauma curse onto new generation is also not the solution for ACoA.
@@mjey1 "Sounds like a Fawning Response to the abuse."
Yes.
And we did not come up with Fawning because we had nothing else to do in life.
Fawning happens when there is Coercive control. There is narcissists, psychopath, some kind of borderline, controlling person on the other side, someone who uses cleverly disguised web of deceit, brainwashing, coercion into frightening the target to modulate his or her behavior.
Unless we understand that - we will tend to blame ourselves and be trapped into thinking that something is wrong with our brain - that is due to gaslighting.
Society will also join into abuse and explain away fawning as sickness and abnormality, as Julien is saying in his videos.
This way he is not helping us at all.
We got to realize that people who use control to manipulate other people - are extremely sick and they project their mental illness and evil onto others. We really must become aware of this - because otherwise we will be stuck in victim mentality. The very first thing which predators do is to destroy our ability to trust our brain, our calculations, our explanations, our perceptions - so the very first thing which they will yell and scream about will be how we are errored, they will nitpick our errors and present them as catastrophe, they will blame us and cause feeling shame for "bad" things we done.
It is super easy to find faults and errors in anyone. Predators take advantage of human condition - that we cannot be gods nor superhumans, errors are normal and integral part of life.
Also, predators love empaths and highly morally and ethical standards individuals who really try hard in life not to harm anyone with their mistakes - that is the string that they pull on us. They use and take advantage of our own goodness and humanity and play us like circus animal.
All serial killers are obsessed with control, for them this gives them even sexual pleasure.
Narcissists, predators, psychopaths - they are lukewarm version of a serial killer. Instead of blaming and shaming our "people-pleasing" and our errors - we really need to keep this fact in mind and contemplate immediate and permanent break up of any contact with such monsters.
People-pleasing is not abnormality. It works in normal healthy and loving contact with mentally healthy people who do not take advantage of other people goodness.
It was a defense mechanism you had to learn to survive but now it is not serving you or your situation. My friend is a ppl pleaser. Her mom moved her to stay with different family members that did not really want her there. So being pleasing to them gave her a roof over her head.
@@beewest5704 It is more than survival mechanism.
Agreeableness and Openness as personality traits. Google Big 5 personality traits test.
If we want romantic contact with someone - we need to be people pleaser at some extent.
If we want normal relationships with anyone - we need to be a little bit people pleaser. If we always want it our way, that is abnormality, mental illness, personality disorder, narcissism really.
I am shy, socially anxious and introverted. My Mum is the opposite, the type who will literally just speak to anyone, anywhere at anytime. I live with my parents and I'm mid 30s, and we live in a goldfishbowl, basically (I mean you can see into our house, and hear stuff without effort). I hate that lack of privacy, I cannot make eye contact with anyone who passes our house or drives up and parks outside our house, so I'll pretend to be absorbed in something like the TV. It is exhausting, and when I'm with my Mum outside, I feel the need to fake a smile (which I think people probably know) and try to pretend interest in the conversation while saying as little as possible, my Mum adores babies and children and will coo at them and draw my attention to them and I literally do not care (she knows), I'm not a fan of children at all, I would never see one harmed but I don't have any desire to be around them. People tend to think you are a weirdo if you don't love kids. I genuinely do not want to be rude to people so I will fake friendliness to avoid "awkwardness"
I was also like her. Now I'm willing to learn it.. I talk like her like casually little funny way.. Some people think I'm very confident.. But this is not the actual truth..unknowingly Always trying to be perfect nd to be high levels .. Made me belv that my partner gonna be prince charm or im a green fairy from nature..! But it never works like this. It's causes unrealistic expectations for myself to myself nd frm others as well.. Nd most toxic pattern is that being perfect leads you towards always feeling not good enough. Nd thn procrastination after procrastination. Because of procrastination you settle only for just good rather then being your authentic self.. Nd the loop is going on!
also, we integrate all we love by copying someone else and being a fake until it feels right for us. all our favorite shows, thoughts, idioms, all of it was said before and borrowed subconsciously from the collective unconscious. accepting yourself as you are, whatever it may be, is the first step to authenticity. if you aint shit, there aint nothing wrng with it. if you are the shit, the pawn and king go back in the same box. aint no shame in a wasted life. we are in the image of God. whatever god you believe in, we come OUT of this world, not into it. we are apart of it all. knowing this truth is the only way to know the genuine self. who are YOU, the SELF. you are nothing. nothing important, you are also everything. nothing worse than an ego thinking its god. but knowing this gives you a safety and confidence that is permeable to those all around you. if you know you know...
people there have guts...knowing that anyone can come accross them in one of his videos, but, trough their vulnerability, im here learning from them, hiding behind my screen..lol. just discovered the channel today but at a crucial time where I need it a lot.
She’s charming! I share some of her feelings 💯 the important thing is we’re here! Hello Julien and thank you ☺️
I think its pretty good that people are uncomfortable telling each other when was the last time they had a massive sh*t.
Though I love her charm and smartness I am kinda disappointed, it did not get in depth like in other videos. Maybe because she was already outgoing and authentic (most of the times) by default. Yet, there was potential left.
It is not “I’m gonna relax”, it is “I’m gonna be loved and not left”
This is the first time I am ever commenting on a YT video.
Gave an insight about me . And surely will put out real me more because pleasing people didn’t take me anywhere except for disrespecting me on my face.