They show a fake personality to co-workers, neighbours, extended family members etc. This is done by them because want those people to perceive them as having positive personality traits eg kindness, empathy. compassion, honesty, loyalty, respectfulness etc. In reality to immediate family members they show their ''true colours'' which includes being very self centred, very jealous, very envious, very unsympathetic, very arrogant, very pessimistic and very manipulative!
Good points made.The narcissist displays a false personality to people outside the family. If you are perceptive you notice kindness and warmth is very superficial.
You hit the nail on the head! I have been married to a narcissist for the past 13 years. The situation was so bad that I separated for 7 months back in 2013! Only to come back to the same thing. We live in a new subdivision and in front of our neighbors its all smiles and giggles but behind closed doors, it is constant my way or the highway, extreme selfishness and no love. I am giving this till the end of the year and if there is no attempt to change I want a divorce
Mine wanted to humiliate me with an issue and make me cry to repent to his level of satisfaction. I told him for every issue of mine we address, we are discussing one he did. Let's just say it took over 2 hours for me to repent to his level of satisfaction over a household item. And I got 5 minutes of excuses as to why he refused to take me to emergency doctor b/c he was upset with me. When you finally realize no matter how high you climb, they move the mark, you are done climbing in bed with a suffocating lying python. Their game is to beat you down in submission. I refused to bow down this time and I stayed a way.
I even admitted I made the mistake of not knowing what to do in the begging of this relationship (2 kids with no care & neglected to the point of Abuse so I let it condone me🤦🏼♀️), not speaking up sooner,& any other mistake I've made trying to get to a mid ground we could meet at to work it all out.
Mine is a sociopath. Google it. He insisted on me going to therapy for me with him their to observe my healing. Liar! He was there to direct the therapist to whatever diagnosis he wanted the therapist to give me. He wanted to have me diagnosed with any random thing so he could have me committed. He was quite the scam artist. I finally saw what was behind the curtain. And the person I once loved never really existed. He is a liar and actor. These people will make you crazy trying to please them and make you question your sanity. When the rules and expectations are constantly changing, you are left beaten down and distraught.
Yes, I've heard that from my mother a lot. It's her way to avoiding discussing the issue. She sometimes says ""If I did say (or do that) I don't remember".
'You're too soft! This family member phoned our Brother's wife the day after he had died with a list of all the wonderful things they had done for him and his family while he was terminally ill!
OMG that’s the first thing I remember my narcissistic parent telling me ( when I was a kid) now I’m 40 and I’m still told that I am sensitive when I raise any questions and get hurt emotionally
jane fenton yep! I've heard every excuse on here. ” I would word that a little better if I were you! You’re not listening! ”I’am not being abusive I talk loud and with emotion. I’m just blunt!
What if narc is always complaining to U on all coworkers or family? What can U say to such a person? Afterwars U become one of those person. I just dont feel like listening to my wifes mumbling.
I have learned to read my body. If I start feeling a tightness in my gut, then I know that I am in the proximity of a narc. Then I end the conversation and walk away. I have learned to listen to my body. It has helped immensely.
wow. That's totally given me an a-ha moment. Wonderful. I have for many years experienced this neck pain, lump, tightness in my right shoulder, it's intense and soooo clearly connected to proximity of narcs.... . Thanks for that leadactor. Knuckles dude.
@@allyousawis It's interesting that some of us get the physical, and some get the "I'm confused, what-in-the-hell" reaction. Looking back (now that I know these creatures have a name) I see I've had phys. reactions too ... amazing
Worse mistake is to show fear. second, I learned to pick on their weakness to take that to my advantage. I deal with a highly liar inlaw who have tried to get me in legal problems so i have to learn so i can scare her too
His favorite excuses, "You are trying to control me.....you will never control a man like me" and "You are the worst one that I've been with....the others never treated me like this"....referring to my expectations of accountability/responsibility/honesty/loyalty.
This is my husbands response to everything.... if i dont like something, im trying to control him, if I want him to build me something in a certain way, im trying to control him, if I dont want the dog and the cat on the bed together so they dont fight, im trying to control him..... 14 years and Im only just realizing who Im married to
@@enchantedwarrior5955 Hello, It is very sobering when one realizes what is and has been going on....you know....I knew that I would figure it out....well, because, I knew this behavior/what I was experiencing was not normal. I would tell him, "who does that/this" & "this not normal"....honestly, it was about a month of solid viewing RUclips videos, when I told him not to come back....tomorrow, it'll be 3 weeks....so...I'm going through the Trauma Bond..ugh...tough...
Mine thought that psychologists, doctors and veterinarians were all BS. Especially veterinarians. He had pet parrot for 23 years. Despite loving the bird (more than me!!) he refused to ever take it to a vet. I was his GF when the bird got sick. He refused to get medical care, and the poor bird suffered and died. Not saying the bird would've definitely survived with professional care, yet the bird did not have a fighting chance. Broke my heart. In the back of my mind I thought, hmmm, what's he gonna do with me if I need medical help and I'm too sick to move?
Lame excuses I’ve gotten: 1. I lie to protect myself from you. 2. It’s how you react to me that is causing the problem. 3. I’m just trying to help you improve yourself.
"I didn't tell you about my new (alcoholic) boyfriend, because I knew you would be angry and blow up at me." I was like 12-13. If you're such a coward that you cannot handle some static from a 12 year old, you're a shit parent.
Hey folks, did you ever hear the excuse " I'm too busy". ? And you do a majority of the work at home and he does 1 maybe 2 chores.. And still hear the BS, that they don't have the time! Anyone? Or. they brag on the one or two items they did get done after you asked them to take care of.something months ago?
"That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did....you deserved it."
NarcSlayer Oh Mylanta, I actually confronted my narc about being able to walk on water!! So funny you said they think they are a diety. Confirms that it is not me.
I had the experience of when arguing with a narcissist I stupidly said 'you think you are infallible' - answer was a very fierce "That's right! I am infallible!" Utterly amazing - .Have to say he knew how to give out shame... but has never admitted to his shameful behaviour.. I don't think he sees it as shameful and it was his right to do just exactily what he wanter despite the destruction it caused...
My narc literally thinks he's immortal because he doesn't get sick or get hurt. When in fact, he does, just very rarely due to a good immune system. But when he does, he's just like any other man-baby acting like he's dying. The problem is, he really believes it, he doesn't say it as a joke, you can see he truly believes himself that special, that god-like. Takes the phrase god-complex to a whole new level.
Yep. My Narc's and I had two; eldest Daughter and ex boyfiend. They had their little Woe boats in which I had to regularly sit in. And if I didn't want to sit in it, then the abuse would start. Blessings.
@@SurvivingNarcissism my former Narc ex crush used to have fantasies about all the Marvel and DC heroes fighting for her affection. Real legend in her own mind
Detach from Narcissists, they cannot and will not change. 1) Need to be superior and recognized as 'right' 2) The keeper of correctness 3) Irresponsible, bad behavior, reversal of blame onto you. Can't be subordinate 4) This is me, deal with it 5) I tell it like it is (I have no filters,I have no empathy, don't care how you feel) 6) "You won't find sympathy here" - sarcastic and harsh, your feelings mean nothing, suck it up 7) " I didn't have these problems until you came along" (a lie) 8) They play the victim - example - domestic abuse, and then says the spouse was asking for it 9) "Stuff happens, deal with it" Narcissists are shame based, from childhood, so they learn to give out shame
@@Ah-ed6ie You need to check out several channels here on RUclips to gain insight and start healing. Some good ones are 1)Meredith McDonald Inner Integration, 2)Lisa Romano, 3)Richard Grannon Spartan Life Coach, 4)From Surviving To Thriving, 5)Joanna Kujath 6) Jerry Wise Systems Check out videos from each of these people. You can break free.
Bang on correct my lovely, I even started to wonder if I was the narcissist as he seemed to enduce me to ask certain things doing rows to make me feel and look the abuser..... I still battle with the worry that I am the narcissist but reading your comment I can relate completely with every word xxxxxxxxxx
@@meghansullivan8698 Thankyou lovely lady, that was so lovely to read, I actually cried when I read your words. Thank you your very very kind xxxxxxxxx
Lorna Maria You’re welcome and I’m sending you a virtual hug. 🤗 These people aren’t conscious of their behavior or considerate of other people’s feelings. They make you look like you’re the evil person for questioning anything and will accuse you and not view your side or validate your feelings. Be strong and I wish you lots of blessings, love and healing. You’re beautiful and you deserve it! 🌹💕💕🙂
@@meghansullivan8698 Thankyou so so much your an angel, your words were very much needed, your so kind, you have restored my faith in the fact that there are lovely kind people left in this world. You have so many lovely things to come in life I promise you, Namast'e lovely lady.🥰🥰🥰🥰 xxxxxxxxx
I will tell my narc how hurt I am by his actions and he will regurgitate what I had said to him and say I do those things to him such as with hold love affection silent treatment and I’m sorry if this comes off offensive but I’d always say I’d rather my narc come home and beat me up and be done than to emotionally abuse me the way he does I’m so sorry Your dealing with physical abuse Too my narc has done it a few times but tells people I’m physically abusive towards him he tells our young kids I hit him which I never hit anyone I’m a lover not a fighter I pray for everyone dealing with this I hope we all get our safe and can live better lives
Debra Helgeson My ex narc (have known him 25 yrs) always plays the victim....blaming the woman in his life. ALWAYS. I can't be bothered with charades!!!
From my experience, narcissists are highly competitive. Mine always has a count in his head of all the projects, etc. that he has done and then refuses to recognize my contributions to our household - he’s the virtual winner in every aspect of our life together.
Holy shit this is my wife. Here I am working 65 to 80 hours a week and she works maybe 35 to 40. I get one day off and do all the housework and she screams at me how she does everything and when I get home after being gone 16 hours I'm lazy if I just want to eat then go to bed.
@@atgalpin still haven't gone back. I'm not religious but I had something happen that gives me great cause to not go back despite being asked. I don't want to go into on here though.
I was thinking there is a number 11: When they find themselves the centre of any upset, part of it, in the middle of it, having said something negative that just demonstrates no understanding of how to respond lovingly - when that gets a reaction - there they are saying: "I can't handle this" and walking off to shut themselves away. For days and days on end after this, they give you the silent treatment. They are indignant that you have done them wrong. - by upsetting them so much they had to walk away. Don't mind, it was them that upset you, and that fact and any reason for it are not even on their radar anymore - irrelevant in fact... you owe them an apology for how you reacted (to their horribleness). It's unbelievable. But that would be number eleven I think Dr Carter.
I swear, your parents and mine have read from the same playbook. AND I am almost 50 years old!! If you are younger than that, THANK your lucky stars you haven't wasted as much time as I have living in a lie for 50 years. I wish it happened sooner so I didn't 75% of my life waiting for them to step up to the plate and become humans.
@@pearlyq3560 I'm not that many years behind you. Hugging you back from Australia. It's good to be out. So much lighter, so much freer. The judgement lifted in every move. Watched, trapped. It's really good to be out. But mentally, emotionally, in every other area of my life still finding ways to recover and move forward. Parents huh? You love what you know, even after you learn how awful they have been, and begin to see just why that is awful - I'm not sure anyone can truly see this while they are young??? It's only after you enter the workforce and leave the nest that you (certainly me/I) begin to more clearly see just how different what you were experiencing was to the experiences of others. It took me years to see.
It was always amazing to me to watch my sister throw a grenade in the room and blame someone else for the damage. I would always shrug off their behavior and spend as little time around them as possible, but I didn't realize how bad it was until they took my mother out. Going from narcissistic sociopaths, to narcissistic Psychopaths. I've not ever been aware of how calloused they are, their lack of empathy, compassion is frightening. I feel for their clueless children who they have turned against me because their parents know I would Spill the Beans about their grandmother. However I have found since I've gone no contact 3 years in May 2019 true freedom. There is tremendous freedom in knowing that it's not something in you, something you did, something you said, something you could do better, and all about them. I've been happier than I've ever been without them in my life! Finding my true self has been an incredible blessing! Healthy boundaries reveal self love and self value the way God intended, and who we were meant to be before 'humans' took hold of us. I have a much healthier group of friends, and it's easier to see why those in the past were my friends and why I needed to remove them from my life. It is a healthy process, and so worth every step. I could not have done it without the Lord, because I would have made the same mistakes over and over again. Asking the Lord into my life was the best thing I ever did!
The only thing to get out of it if they walk away-- help for yourself in the form of self-care, therapy if you can afford it, peace and quiet. I wish the narcissist I had to live with had walked away for days.
Lame excuses. Out and out deceit. Concealment. They are oblivious to your level of frustration with them. To communicate with them in a meaningful, productive , cooperative way is not going to resonate. It’s just wasted effort and energy and makes your cortisol soar. Your time is better spent getting into a life boat and abandoning ship.
Well said. The irony is, only recently (through reading and these videos), I couldn't work out why I was feeling so frustrated and stressed out the whole time. Thenl I noticed that whenever we had a night out together (the narcissist friend and I) then I would feel terrible at the end and be unable to sleep and generally feel really really uncomfortable about myself (my looks, life choices... everything would come under critical and damning scrutiny by the narcissist, especially if I had admitted it was a point I was really vulnerable about). I could go out feeling fairly good about myself and return home frustrated, with my self-esteem in tatters (it wasn't like this when I first met the narcissist and so I couldn't quite see the link). Then I started reading and snooping (my friend is incredibly arrogant and vain and self-entitled so I looked up narcissism and these videos to find out more). The videos describe them to a T (and also how they make someone feel special at the start of a relationship or when they are ingratiating themselves- hence I missed the link at first)
Just Megs....is it the cortisol depletion that makes me fat...I know I’ve been majorly stressed before and ended up in hospital with TGA..trans global amnesia...rare but not uncommon...Will my metabolism be affected to that degree by my cortisol levels...Will stress prevent me from losing weight...Stress gaining I call it...
They make excuses to protect their self image. Hell, they'll throw you to the wall to protect their own image! They will insist that they've not done anything wrong and that you're overreacting. No matter what you say to them they won't understand how you feel at all. No acknowledgment, and the only sorry you'll get is a superficial "sorry for the misunderstanding" (when you understand full well what they did and they do too!), and never a "I made a mistake, I'm so sorry I hurt you."
I confronted him for advertising himself as single on a senior dating site and looking for "his new soulmate and recently out of a relationship with a younger woman who still thinks the world of [him] " ((LOLOLOL)) for 8 months behind my back WHILE I was on year three of caring for his dying alzheimers wife as I waited for our time to come. "oh, I'm sorry you had to find out. You need to know this one fact : I did it because of you. Your anger forced me to do contingency planning so I wouldn't be left without dates to concerts and football games if you leave me. If you want us to last, you will never speak of this again " Deplorable.
So true Dr. Les! Thank you for your wisdom. 1. This is all Your fault. 2. You caused these problems. 3. You are an evil vicious woman. 4 I'm ___ years old and I'm Not changing!
(LAME) EXCUSES are what narcissists live by. Without getting others to buy those excuses, it would become too obvious who's at fault, who's not. Who's the original source of issue, who's the real trouble maker. Excuses are how they get away with being unreasonable and unfair.
Yes! Obfuscating the cause of the disagreement, conflict, discussion is the modus operandi. The issues I bring up are hardly touched on before it is all turned on me and the conversation isn't even about the original topic anymore. By the end of the "discussion" everything I do is wrong and I can't even remember what the initial issue was. It just turns into a monologue of criticism, so I gave up bringing up issues a long time ago
There was a guy who would always claim that he couldn’t remember what he said/did. That was his excuse. Or else he was in victim mode, blaming everything and everyone except himself.
One trait of theirs is that they are never, ever at fault. So yes their magic mixture of shaming and blaming to appear as the most enlightened pearl of life. How sad, they cause suffering because of their early rooted suffering: mixture of sickness and egocentricity. Thank you Dr Carter
They want you to play a freakin' fiddle for THEM all the time. Why do they have ZERO sympathy for everyone else, then ASK for people to GIVE sympathy to them? I'm not giving sympathy to a person who shows zero sympathy for others.
Wow... Omy why do i stay and still love him? He always says he dont wanna be with me cause im not gonna change. I should greet and acknowledge him when he comes home grom wotk. Even if im cleaning or cooking.
You have just described every baby's mama on welfare. I know mine is using the system against me. I watched all your videos and they all described her to the max.
Spent the last 9 years, looking for someone who can actually describe this human condition. Thank you. Subscribed absolute. Knee deep in your work for the last 3 hours. My pain and understanding are healing with every Truth video. Literally. Namaste good Sir.
Yep arm yourself with this ugly knowledge. It’s mind blowing and soul wrenching but it is the light, illuminating the darkness you have been living. You’ll never be the same again, loss of innocence taking people at”face value”. Gone gone gone. A lot of resetting to be done on self. Hard-work but worth it if it means never being vulnerable to these mutants ever again. Blessings
It only took me 21 years to find out what was wrong...I am disgusted with myself for wasting my time with this SOB...He is CLASSIC covert narcissistic..sometimes the traits are mild but all are spot on...
Narcissistic parents - when you repeatedly try to sort out the past - those places where there actions didn't look like love, that have baffled you, when you try to ask them why they did what they did/ said what they said/ when you try to make sense of how they were treating you from your early teens to well into your adulthood - when you ask about why they treated your siblings differently. When just no approach ever gets an answer that helps or soothes the wounds. Neglect, parentification, obsession with control of your life, but never admitting it. Never being good enough. Away from them now, NC, but hurting still - how to move on and keep building shattered self-esteem? Just adding the angle I'd like you to talk about as well here. Thanks.
Dear friend, you said it exactly as I have experienced also. Dead on accurate. You are not alone and the pain is unlike anything, it is just brutal. Try to do some work on over-coming abandonment. I am expecting a book today called, The Journey From Abandonment to Healing: Surviving through and recovering from the five stages of loss of love. We must learn to step up to the plate for ourselves and not self-abandon in these painful times. I am in Canada, but I give you a huge hug and tons of empathy that you never got and never will get from the narc. So if you learn to deal with the grief of abandonment and not self-abandon, you need not worry on self-esteem work because low self-esteem is the symptom, not the cause. Chin up friend, life can only go up from here. Though painful, be thankful you can see!!! BIG HUGS!!!!
@@pearlyq3560 Thank-you so much for responding so beautifully, and with such understanding. Yes, abandonment rings very true. Sadly. It is good to be able to see it, yes, absolutely - still wishing I had somehow spotted it earlier and got to no contact sooner. Not self-abandon. This I will try to master. I haven't heard of the five stages of the loss of love, so will see what a quick google reveals on that. Thanks for also showing a guiding light..
I haven’t seen or spoken to my mother in over 2 decades. Cutting off all contact was the hardest decision I ever made, but it was also the smartest decision I ever made
Imogene bunting..u have described my mother to a t. Im late 50s, been no contact 13 yrs but broke it recently when she tried to rook me into her faux estate planning needs...disaster. shes 92 yrs old she picked up exactly where she left off 13 yrs ago abusing me verbally emotionally, etc., as if the last 13 yrs of no contact had not even occurred...no reflection on her part, no insight on herself, utter failure to accept personal responsibility for the devastation to our family from her DECADES of covert malignant narc abuse...it sounds from ur comment that you and i could swap stories until the cows come home...im the scapegoat daughter , we had total of 10+ kids in the family at any one time, many Golden Children, Lost Children, and other roles, but only one Scapegoat-me. Consistently, over the decades, despite my successes, my life, etc--scapegoat. Bottom line, I only have a few good years left. So, i have cut her out of my life permanently...im disinherited, disowned, smeared, flying monkeyed, whole 9 yards...but i dont care, i ignore., not going to her funeral when she passes, hey! Let the golden children handle that... But i am doing my own disowning of HER, so i can get ME And my life back....no contact, no matter what or whom. It is a lifesaver.
Denying reality: I've been told, "I never said that," in an email. The insults were visible at the bottom of my screen as I read the denial at the top of the screen. I've been told in a text, "I never said that," 10 minutes after receiving a text with a barrage of insults. The insult text was still in my inbox. Amazing.
I went back to the narc before I figured out he was a narc. We went to dinner and to talk things over.. He said he had changed and he wouldn't be doing any of those things he did before. I told him I wouldn't go back unless there were positive changes in his behavior. He told me, no problem. Long story short, about 3 months into the relationship he decided to go back to his old self. I called him out on it and reminded him what he said at dinner that night. His reply was, "I never said that!" Told me I was delusional! From then on I would record everything I could on my micro-cassette. I finally left after about 5 more years of abuse. He hasn't contacted me since. It's been over 1 year now. I told him before leaving that I had all the arguments on tape and told him he had NPD. He just laughed at me, but I am the one who ended up silently getting the last laugh. However, I could care less about that part of it. He's out of my life for good and that is good!.
Same exact experience with name-called, condescending and aggressive emails, texts from my narc older brother. What he means is a version of "how sensitive you are to take it that way." I'm done; 55 years old and finally, finally putting together the insane bullying, cruelty and condescension from my childhood/adolescence. If he thinks you're "putting him down", which has included such offenses as being 5 minutes late to a family gathering, not returning his call immediately, or changing the subject after he's held the floor for 30-45 minutes with stories of his latest triumph over the idiots that surround him at work, etc, he will arrogantly exit the room and pout. What's weird is that he seems to be able to compensate for this when it suits him.
The ones I'm dealing with are usually vague when communicating or exclude vital information and then become angry or annoyed when questioned for clarification., sometimes implying or straight-out blaming me for not being able to comprehend or not listening. Also very indecisive, almost always changing their mind and plans are rescheduled or canceled altogether, exhausting indeed. It's nearly impossible to get a direct answer to a simple yes or no question.
Even tho there is no contact, they have an outpost in my head. I look for healing elsewhere, because they don't think they are the problem. They have no thot of me, yet I can't seem to forget about the cruelty they have bestowed onto me. What a horrible way to live my life. How can someone so hateful and deceitful have such a hold on me? They really do not matter to me, still, I can't let their hurtful words go. This is so sick. And if they knew how I am feeling, I know they would love it. Sick. Sick. Sick. This video was so perfect. It's everyone else who is the problem, they never can accept responsibility and say they are the victim. Wow. This is such weird behavior on how deeply it affects the people around them. "... their mind simply is not able to manage that" THEY are the problem.
I can relate I recently had to go no contact with with my neighbor former "friend" and church member. She refuses to be accountable or responsible for her actions. Her favorite thing is to do nice things and say I did this for you now you owe me and God told me how you need to think, feel and act or what direction you need to take; go against me and go against God. She has been verbally and physically abusive in the past when told no, not getting her own way, not being in absolute control and not being the center of attention. This narcissistic abuse is sick and painful. I pray for her daily and have chosen forgiveness to take away the last micro fragments of her control. I chose to go no contact and love her at a far distance. Having the main goal to treat her like Christ would. It's a test of my faith but doing so takes away her power and control. It helps me to be the Victor not the victim! It's the greatest revenge to go live your life freely and happily! Uneffected by their behavior, not shaken by their narcissistic rage and not giving in to them and not backing down. Just appearing calm cool and collected. I will never justify what she did to me but I can empathize with her pain and trauma now without allowing her to suck me back in, I can detach from her and the situation. This has been a very painful, difficult, the depressing, demoralizing and toxic situation. I am using what happened to learn and grow. Now I know what to look for and I will be better prepared in the future. I also think that God will help me use this grotesque hideous situation and the pain for a greater good. I believe it's my sanctified experience with God. Hopefully I can use what happened to help others struggling with the same kind of narcissistic abuse find peace. I hope and pray that you can find peace and healing.
This has been my life for 20+ years. Now I understand why I feel how I feel and I can show myself some sympathy. I didn’t understand why I always left conversations with him feeling low, defeated, and sad. Often I’ve even found myself crying after our conversations. Wow. I’m so proud of myself bc I don’t take any type of medication to cope... I’ve managed to tap into my spirit and make it through. Thank you Dr. Les!! ❤️
Can you impart any of that wisdom on us...How do you turn yourself off of the negative feelings you must have had when the conversations were a dud...Weren’t you left totally empty?
5 or 6 years ago, I once asked my Mother or rather "tried" to explain to her my feelings during a conversation. I had asked her has she ever felt depression, anxiety, or any other emotions that I feel. And, she said that she doesn't feel those emotions. She hates when I cry about anything. I had to kick her out of the hospital while I was giving birth because she told me to be quiet. And, that I should not express the pain verbally. They do feel anger, rage, envy the most. I do know that. I know now what projection is even though it took 30 to find it out. These people are evil to the core.
Carolyn....I relate to that about crying. We weren't allowed to cry . There was screaming..."Quit crying or looking at me like that or you'll keep getting it". I learned to always look down around them .When I was a toddler, I remember being in a bed and in a dark room. I was scared and started crying. My mom said she sent my stepdad in to shut me up. I deserved it...she said. I remember him coming in and then a huge out of my breath feeling. He hit me on my back ,not on my pants in case , she said they were dirty.....three times I gasped for air. He broke my back. I walk with leg braces .I crawled till I was 6. After that experience I learned to never ask for help from them. I never cried again. I laughed at my sister's funeral....I couldn't cry... But I felt sad. My mom slapped my face to shut me up .She said she would never take me to another funeral again.....but I didn't want to go to one ever again.
@@lynncraig6151 I am so sorry you were so badly abused, what a sick human being to do that to a child. I hope your life is better or if not - that it gets better and they get (or got) what they deserve.
@@She_McGee Hi...I miss my sister and brother .He suffered Brain damage. My sister was killed when she was 8...two days short of her 9th Birthday. She was buried on her Birthday. They seemed to like to ruin special days or Holidays. I hope my sister doesn't resent that I survived and she didn't. I have dreams of her. She should of lived instead of me making it. She was smarter , prettier and was a little mama taking care of us siblings. I hope when I die ...I see her and she won't be mad that I managed to make it. People thought we were twins ....we wore the same clothes . People said we were inseparable. I grew up , bought a little house that is my safe house . I garden, paint, and have two dogs ...I love dearly .They are the kids I never had. I'm happy now. Living alone , isolated is a safe feeling. I don't have nightmares anymore. And I have a piano too.
@Nickhead87 I appreciate your comments. It's nice to not be alone in the damage these "creatures" can do to others. My Mother has always called her Mother by her first name. Never Mom or Mother. It's hard to accept her and her narcissist behavior anymore. I am trying to ease her out of my life for good. It's time to let her go forever.
I’ve done eerything I can possibly do to give you the best possible life. If you still aren’t happy there is nothing that could make you happy.no one will ever love you more than me.
I just got cursed out and called awful names for simply asking him a question. I’m so tired and so stuck in this relationship! It’s frustrating to say the least!
my ex narc's excuse for abusing me and putting me down was that he needed to reserve the right to EXPRESS HIMSELF and he didn't care at all how that affected me - that was my problem basically anytime I tried to talk to him about anything he would flip it around and blame me and say that's what I did so it never went anywhere It was just stonewalling and he never took responsibility for anything
That is pretty spot on for my situation "I had to say it like that because you weren't listening" which to him means obeying him or abandoning my position
"I'm the victim" is one of the favorite excuses of most narcissists, IMO. They can't see themselves as wrong, and they can never receive any input that would mark them as guilty.
Life is too short to waste a moment on these people....walk ,don't run, just as far as you can and do not look back....the great gift of watching your videos Dr.Carter, is that you have taught me that I do not have to feel guilty anymore about not making excuses for these people and tolerating more abuse.....bless toy, an thank you.
My bf has used these ones: "Life isn't always rainbows and unicorns." "You're always looking for something to be upset about." "I got crappy because I thought you were being disrespectful."
It's such a waste of life trying to make them see, and trying to learn how to not react...it will turn you into a pile of wasted rubble...wasted life! And will never get better! Even with the ideas of grey rock, and radical acceptance, and only talking about the weather, a sports team, etc...is that what we want in any relationship?
“You’re just too sensitive.” This goes along with the excuse you mention where the narcissist proudly claims “This is who I am, take me or leave me. I tell it like it is.” As if they have a free pass to say what they like, however insensitive. I had a narcissist friend who always said, “I’m only responsible for what I say, not how YOU interpret it.” Which seems wise at first, but it’s just another form of the first statement, which is, I believe I can say what I want, and I have no responsibility for how you receive it, especially if it hurts you. This is SUCH wrong thinking and baloney. If you are in a friendship or relationship then it’s understood that you care for that person and their feelings (ideally). So yes, you ARE indeed responsible for making amends when your words hurt someone. My two kids have heard all their lives that, “We apologize when we hurt people, whether it was an accident or not.” But narcissists don’t want to be accountable for their words or actions, as you say, it makes some of them feel shame they don’t want to own, or they feel like they are losing the superior status they think they have in the relationship. A curious thing happens though, when you hurt a narcissist’s feelings unintentionally. You absolutely must pay for hurting them, and you absolutely must apologize, perhaps several times, and even then, you will be on their black list for awhile! Funny how they have such ludicrously double standards! 😂
My narc always says "Im just telling it like it is", mean spirited, yells, belittles, name calls, causes division and keeps records of wrongs, holding it over my and others heads and uses those 'wrongs' as ammo at some point ...UGH!!!
@@mikekean5902 Sounds like the exact same words I use 🤔. Especially since I have a narc parent who steals my identity . But thank you for those kind words 😊.
Some lame excuses: 1) you are destroying my self confidence: you making me doubt about myself 2) if you had been a loving person, things would never have gone wrong between us 3) you are resentful and unforgiving : why are you bringing up what I did yesterday? What did I do today? 4) you don’t even notice or encourage how much I have improved
@storeeteller1 yes, of course, but that is the standard behaviour of a narcissist, isn't it? what is interesting in the presentation here is that the narcissist reverses the charges and consciously or unconsciously blames the victim for his or her own behaviour.
@storeeteller1 Gotchya, yes. The narc in my life doesn't take me or our relationships nor the issues seriously. He says to me about his lack of empathy, connection, "getting-it" or compassion... That I put him down so he shuts off and I'm the one who made him cold. Whatever. It's the same cycle. I'm working my way out of it!
@storeeteller1 I didn't even put him down. I was opening up about how I feel and needed his love, attention, but... Nothing but a dead cold 🐟 fish that plays dead. But he always takes it as me attacking him, criticising him or putting him down, when I'm not at all and in fact he's the one putting me down. Can't and don't get anywhere. Yet the lack of progression is blamed on me too even though im the one using all my energy to try and work it out. It just ain't never gonna happen.
I figured out in the last months that my mom is a narcissist. That's a horrible feeling, but now I'm grateful for this discover. Now I know that I'm not the problem, now I know I have value and I deserve respect. God bless you and all those who help us to understand things better. Sorry for my bad english. Have a nice day!
It's amazing how much I've learned from watching Dr C. Knowledge truly is power. This knowledge goes a long way as we learn to protect ourselves from the Narcs out there.
Very true Dr. Les. I have heard most of the excuses while dealing with the narc, especially the lack of sympathy and being unconcerned saying stuff happens, deal with it. Thank you for the video🙏. Please make a video for Empaths on how to deal with narcissists.
Yes definitely need that video for The Empath!! Thank you for bringing up this extremely debilitating condition. The Narc's favorite type to pray upon is the Empath. The Narc can truly cause an Empath to become more drained, depressed , emotionally and physically more Ill than what they already and can make them end up with all sorts of health problems especially autoimmune disorders. Anyway love to see more details about this subject. Thanks again Kavita
I dug a hole this past week. After 26 years of marriage my husband pulled a new one.....Three times in one week he made a snide comment in the vehicle when I turned down the heat. He said, "Yeah, don't ask if anyone else is hot." This is as myself and children are taking off coats! After the third time I said, "It's obviously hot in here so you don't need to try to make me look like a selfish jerk" When we got in the house I calmly asked what was going on as he mentioned this three times in one week when never mentioning it before (I've turned off the heat many times as has he). He told me it's bothered him for years. I was like, "Wait, something that small and you couldn't say years ago....Hey babe I'm still cold can you turn it back on or can you adjust it but keep it on?" Obviously I could have asked but the fact that we are all shedding our clothes, it seems like a given doesn't it?? Yet to him, I was only thinking of myself. Why would anyone stew about something so small for all those years instead of addressing it in the moment ???? Now what do I do the next time it's hot in the car??? I should have ignored his snide comment as I did the first two times. Dang it!!!
Being around them you start to lose yourself and you get emulated. Begrudged me to do anything domestically independent. The use anyone and anything as an excuse of you the should or shouldn't do anything. What ever is a chore they want do unless something is to be gained. Nothing is ever done modestly and honest. There is always a catch in there somewhere.
Omg Dr. Carter you do make me feel a lot better about my situation.. You completely describe my husband to a T.. He isn't physically violent but his words are worse. All these excuses he has used or said to me. Went as far as calling me a narcissist and I am the blinded one. Calls me overly sensitive or I bring on all the drama.
Yes they are never wrong. No responsibility for sure. The flags were there unfortunately I kept giving them one pass after another. Thank you for your videos.
Curiosidades Extrano ....why oh why did I ignore the flags that flew in my face...Was I so desperate to settle down....?? I’ve got some living to do and do it by myself for a change...
I gave passes all my life....& now I don't have any pity or caring for her. I am totally without patience. But am working on controling myself around my 91 aged mother. It has been never ending. How does one that old...never get tired of pressing your buttons or being "the Drama Queen"? When she feels alone she will produce some kind of drama. She has sucked the soul out of me.
Had to stay with my brother for a while. 2 months . Financial. He once said to me , I know you can’t go anywhere so I can say whatever I want . And said nobody wants you not even your kids. He was always in a rage with someone. Almost daily. I knew I had to go and fast ! When I got my first s s check I called Uber and went to a hotel. I blocked him. Smh
I now look back and see positively from my past relationship with a narc. This video is true in all excuses. I was just as wrong for staying as long as I did. Now I see the narc was pushing their ways into me. I became the narc shadow which is scary. I have gained so much strength stepping away entirely. I have more knowledge for red flags and know to walk away sooner rather than later. For now, I'll continue to heal before thinking of a relationship. Thank you for all you do, Doc!
My mother's is "I didn't intend it to be hurtful, you're just sensitive" so I'm the one in the wrong for being offended. My father's is "I'm right I did nothing wrong"
Yep. It's true. One big one that REALLY told me what (who ...a 9-yr-old!) I was dealing with was: " You started it ! " and " How do YOU like it ?! " I also got: (very similar to what you already said!) . . . . " I don't have this problem with ANYone else. "
The one that pissed me off the most was when, after some truly egregious behavior, when I would call him out on it, he would say, “I don’t remember that.” Just ridiculous. Wish 30 years ago I’d told him to not remember my damn number.
Omg no.7 yes !!.. ' you need to see what you can change, I don't need to change anything ' .. And another i once said that if i do one thing, it's never good enough, you don't do the thing, it's still not good enough ( damned if you do, damned if you don't)... Their reply " oh that's your conscience telling you that" ... never taking responsibility for their nasty SICK behaviour . I am so sick and tired of it, draining the life out of me.
“I don’t know” and “I don’t remember....”. I told him he wasn’t allowed to use those phrases or say “sorry” ever again . So he just stayed quiet each time I called him out but his body language was loud and clear.
My told a lame lie in front of me to his mother and I ask why and his response was"to save face" I asked whos face was he trying to save! The lie was about me!
Here's one: When you tell them you don't like something they said or did they respond with, "Yeah, I guess I'm just a piece of shit." Or "Maybe one day I can be perfect just like YOU"
My EX/ NARC only worked a few days a month. Just long enough to have $$ for the moment. Runs off, spends the money on himself then comes back empty handed to ask for resources.
Dr. Carter, This seems to be rampant. Why? Is it from taking Bible studies out of public schools all those years ago? That is the manual for human behavior that we’ve lost as public schools have gone secular. It seems entitlement has taken over both in Europe and now here. My 90 and 96 year old parents act like petulant children! My sister and soon to be ex has narcissism too. My poor brother died from drugs (no doubt trying to cope with the affects of them). We were all raised in secular households. My parents are self-proclaimed atheists. I noticed 20 years ago here in LA when my eldest child started school that there was a serious problem with how the kids treated each other and how the teachers looked the other way. In fact when I was in grade school nothing came up with regards to ethical behavior. Teaching kids to be good and working towards that maybe needs to be a priority with the 3 R’s instead of inculcating little activists. It seems we need to teach our kids not just in the home how to be good, but also in our schools since many kids need to hear it from others too.
You are a light in the darkness. It is a journey, and I am ever grateful for your selfless efforts, your wisdom and eloquence. Your genuine care. Thank you for showing what real love is.
And I remember my ex-husband would publically hind behind that "Would you rather be right or happy?" bullshit. Other people would get behind him no matter what he had done. He pulled so much shit on me. He had me isolated and under his thumb. And he has always known I am easily distracted and gullible and trusted him is completely. And that's where I discovered the one question his sick ass never could answer ..... Why me? He was the perfect man until the day after our wedding. From that first morning it changed so fast that just taking it all in kept me disoriented and afraid. And he used it all against me as viciously as any person could hope. He was so creative with his Gaslighting that at one point, I actually forgotten how to cook. And I don't mean fancy gourmet food. Cube steak....meatloaf, roast. Yeah, everyone else in his life and co workers thought he was being victimized by his hopelessly addled wife who had tricked him by getting pregnant and trapping him. I need to stop talking about this.
They show a fake personality to co-workers, neighbours, extended family members etc. This is done by them because want those people to perceive them as having positive personality traits eg kindness, empathy. compassion, honesty, loyalty, respectfulness etc. In reality to immediate family members they show their ''true colours'' which includes being very self centred, very jealous, very envious, very unsympathetic, very arrogant, very pessimistic and very manipulative!
lol That is so true
Good points made.The narcissist displays a false personality to people outside the family. If you are perceptive you notice kindness and warmth is very superficial.
YES, YES, YES! RIGHT ON THE MONEY. AND SO HARD FOR THEIR FAMILY MEMBERS. I AM MARRIED TO ONE.
You hit the nail on the head! I have been married to a narcissist for the past 13 years. The situation was so bad that I separated for 7 months back in 2013! Only to come back to the same thing. We live in a new subdivision and in front of our neighbors its all smiles and giggles but behind closed doors, it is constant my way or the highway, extreme selfishness and no love. I am giving this till the end of the year and if there is no attempt to change I want a divorce
Dennis Jeter you need to leave now. No change will come, trust me!
They NEVER apologize
ValkerieSilk Nope!!!! They will never see anything they do to need to ... it’s always somebody else’s fault
Mine wanted to humiliate me with an issue and make me cry to repent to his level of satisfaction. I told him for every issue of mine we address, we are discussing one he did. Let's just say it took over 2 hours for me to repent to his level of satisfaction over a household item. And I got 5 minutes of excuses as to why he refused to take me to emergency doctor b/c he was upset with me. When you finally realize no matter how high you climb, they move the mark, you are done climbing in bed with a suffocating lying python. Their game is to beat you down in submission. I refused to bow down this time and I stayed a way.
ValkerieSilk EXACTLY WHAT IM CURRENTLY DEALING WITH BUT INSISTING I NEED TO APOLOGIZE 🤦🏼♀️
I even admitted I made the mistake of not knowing what to do in the begging of this relationship (2 kids with no care & neglected to the point of Abuse so I let it condone me🤦🏼♀️), not speaking up sooner,& any other mistake I've made trying to get to a mid ground we could meet at to work it all out.
Mine is a sociopath. Google it. He insisted on me going to therapy for me with him their to observe my healing. Liar! He was there to direct the therapist to whatever diagnosis he wanted the therapist to give me. He wanted to have me diagnosed with any random thing so he could have me committed. He was quite the scam artist. I finally saw what was behind the curtain. And the person I once loved never really existed. He is a liar and actor. These people will make you crazy trying to please them and make you question your sanity. When the rules and expectations are constantly changing, you are left beaten down and distraught.
My favorite is " I'm really sorry you feel that way...." with a judgy tone implying I shouldn't even have feelings about situation.
Michelle Rosenblum Right. And also when they start their sentence with “Please don’t mind it........blah blah blah”.
Oh yes, I got that one a lot!
Ash M Or, “I’m not beating you up...but...”
“I’m sorry you feel that way...” while deflecting any sort of acknowledgement on their part.
I hate that one.
When you tell them what they did that was so hurtful, they say they don't remember doing that. When you know they did!!
What better way to shut down a conversation and make you doubt yourself than saying it never happened.
Gaslighting is the worst. Evil.
Yes, I've heard that from my mother a lot. It's her way to avoiding discussing the issue. She sometimes says ""If I did say (or do that) I don't remember".
Yep, selective memory is very high and try making you feel like you must be the crazy one
I get the same answer....Or it could be “ why don’t you grow up”
How about “You’re too sensitive!”
'You're too soft!
This family member phoned our Brother's wife the day after he had died with a list of all the wonderful things they had done for him and his family while he was terminally ill!
OMG that’s the first thing I remember my narcissistic parent telling me ( when I was a kid) now I’m 40 and I’m still told that I am sensitive when I raise any questions and get hurt emotionally
jane fenton yep! I've heard every excuse on here.
” I would word that a little better if I were you!
You’re not listening!
”I’am not being abusive I talk loud and with emotion.
I’m just blunt!
Yes that is another one that makes number 11 on the list. I'm sure there's a ton more.
What if narc is always complaining to U on all coworkers or family? What can U say to such a person? Afterwars U become one of those person. I just dont feel like listening to my wifes mumbling.
"If I'm so terrible, why do you want to be with me?"
Good question ! 😂
Oh my goodness.
Classic
Damn! She used that one all of the time. I didn't know about narcissism so I would reply because I Love you. God I was naive.
LOL!
I have learned to read my body. If I start feeling a tightness in my gut, then I know that I am in the proximity of a narc. Then I end the conversation and walk away. I have learned to listen to my body. It has helped immensely.
So true!
@actsfittolead - If I get the "confusion" vibe I realize I'm being narc slimed! Thank you!
wow. That's totally given me an a-ha moment. Wonderful. I have for many years experienced this neck pain, lump, tightness in my right shoulder, it's intense and soooo clearly connected to proximity of narcs.... . Thanks for that leadactor. Knuckles dude.
@@allyousawis It's interesting that some of us get the physical, and some get the "I'm confused, what-in-the-hell" reaction. Looking back (now that I know these creatures have a name) I see I've had phys. reactions too ... amazing
@@allyousawis i CAN FEEL IT MY STOMACH...AMEN,
.
The older the narc gets, the harder it is for them to find their mask to put it on. Best thing to do is run.
🌟
Where should we run when the narcissist is the POTUS?
Worse mistake is to show fear. second, I learned to pick on their weakness to take that to my advantage. I deal with a highly liar inlaw who have tried to get me in legal problems so i have to learn so i can scare her too
Cadet Bonespurs, into your playpen with your pacifier.
I did
My narcissist husband has a problem with me spending time on phone but when he’s on his phone that’s very important. Hypocrites!
You too? Why is that. Drives me crazy. They want our undivided attention I guess. No sharing.
Sherri M Hahahahaha.
So true
Rule makers, not followers.
And they know it.
double standards, as it was exposed in another video.
Yeah. Deny-defend-attack and repeat
Exactly.
twist-attack-deny on the opposite spectrum, when they want to attack you for no reason.
Yes.
Yep.
Andrew F yes. Why do they always making it about them? Like mother like daughter Both from hell.
Everything is always everyone else’s fault and if you say anything or blame them for anything they snap .
His favorite excuses, "You are trying to control me.....you will never control a man like me" and "You are the worst one that I've been with....the others never treated me like this"....referring to my expectations of accountability/responsibility/honesty/loyalty.
This is my husbands response to everything.... if i dont like something, im trying to control him, if I want him to build me something in a certain way, im trying to control him, if I dont want the dog and the cat on the bed together so they dont fight, im trying to control him..... 14 years and Im only just realizing who Im married to
@@enchantedwarrior5955 Hello,
It is very sobering when one realizes what is and has been going on....you know....I knew that I would figure it out....well, because, I knew this behavior/what I was experiencing was not normal. I would tell him, "who does that/this" & "this not normal"....honestly, it was about a month of solid viewing RUclips videos, when I told him not to come back....tomorrow, it'll be 3 weeks....so...I'm going through the Trauma Bond..ugh...tough...
Yes, that's the same response I get. That MUST be typical- nice canned response...
@@kathysanchez5945 I hope you've managed to stay away! Hugs!
Yet I've allowed him to control me 🤥
My ex narcissistic husband would always be right in his mind .he thought he was more knowledgeable than anyone else including doctors, teachers, etc
Mine thought everyone else was rude. Go figure.
Mine thought that psychologists, doctors and veterinarians were all BS. Especially veterinarians. He had pet parrot for 23 years. Despite loving the bird (more than me!!) he refused to ever take it to a vet. I was his GF when the bird got sick. He refused to get medical care, and the poor bird suffered and died. Not saying the bird would've definitely survived with professional care, yet the bird did not have a fighting chance. Broke my heart. In the back of my mind I thought, hmmm, what's he gonna do with me if I need medical help and I'm too sick to move?
Yes they are all know alls
Sounds like my god awful brother doesn't have an education himself but everone that does knows nothing he is the only one with knowledge!
Mine told the therapist what disorders I have😂 while therapist was scratching his head and asked my husband if he was a doctor of psychology
Yes they play victim card while actually be an abuser. Your explanation/reasoning in the end was enlightening.
My "victim" should have been an actor. He could cry on cue!
Exactly. Reminds me of munchousen by proxy. They are the abuser and pretend to be the martyr to others. Very crazy making.
Lame excuses I’ve gotten:
1. I lie to protect myself from you.
2. It’s how you react to me that is causing the problem.
3. I’m just trying to help you improve yourself.
man have I heard number one way too much butalso 2 and 3
I heard everyone of those excuses
Number 3. Classic. I pity the poor narcissistic fool who tries that one on me. I've had enough and now know too much about them. Gloves are off :)
"I didn't tell you about my new (alcoholic) boyfriend, because I knew you would be angry and blow up at me."
I was like 12-13. If you're such a coward that you cannot handle some static from a 12 year old, you're a shit parent.
Your narcissist is creative...give them that much
Hey folks, did you ever hear the excuse " I'm too busy". ? And you do a majority of the work at home and he does 1 maybe 2 chores.. And still hear the BS, that they don't have the time! Anyone? Or. they brag on the one or two items they did get done after you asked them to take care of.something months ago?
Dad does the "I am going to church, helping others, with family" he's a jerk!
"That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did....you deserved it."
That's how they think, and you're onto them! Dr. C
Soooo true!!
“You’re so negative”, “I cant believe how unappreciative you are of all I do for you”, “I wouldn’t have done X if you didn’t do Y first.”
The narcissist thinks they are a deity and can never be wrong.
NarcSlayer Oh Mylanta, I actually confronted my narc about being able to walk on water!! So funny you said they think they are a diety. Confirms that it is not me.
I had the experience of when arguing with a narcissist I stupidly said 'you think you are infallible' - answer was a very fierce "That's right! I am infallible!" Utterly amazing - .Have to say he knew how to give out shame... but has never admitted to his shameful behaviour.. I don't think he sees it as shameful and it was his right to do just exactily what he wanter despite the destruction it caused...
NarcSlayer Agreed /racists tend to function in the same way.
My narc literally thinks he's immortal because he doesn't get sick or get hurt. When in fact, he does, just very rarely due to a good immune system. But when he does, he's just like any other man-baby acting like he's dying. The problem is, he really believes it, he doesn't say it as a joke, you can see he truly believes himself that special, that god-like. Takes the phrase god-complex to a whole new level.
My ex-narc actually believes he is the BEST MAN EVER CREATED BY GOD....he has said this for YEARS.
Narcs are legends in their own mind. All of them have a huge pity pot.
Or legends in their own mind. Dr. C
Yep. My Narc's and I had two; eldest Daughter and ex boyfiend. They had their little Woe boats in which I had to regularly sit in. And if I didn't want to sit in it, then the abuse would start. Blessings.
a legand in their own mind. LOL so true.
@@SurvivingNarcissism my former Narc ex crush used to have fantasies about all the Marvel and DC heroes fighting for her affection. Real legend in her own mind
All Narcissists are legends in their own mind. Hahaha!
Detach from Narcissists, they cannot and will not change.
1) Need to be superior and recognized as 'right'
2) The keeper of correctness
3) Irresponsible, bad behavior, reversal of blame onto you. Can't be subordinate
4) This is me, deal with it
5) I tell it like it is (I have no filters,I have no empathy, don't care how you feel)
6) "You won't find sympathy here" - sarcastic and harsh, your feelings mean nothing, suck it up
7) " I didn't have these problems until you came along" (a lie)
8) They play the victim - example - domestic abuse, and then says the spouse was asking for it
9) "Stuff happens, deal with it"
Narcissists are shame based, from childhood, so they learn to give out shame
Measure Twice truth! You defined my ex GF to a T!
I just feel drained of everything to a point where I give up. This person has me going backwards in life.
@@Ah-ed6ie You need to check out several channels here on RUclips to gain insight and start healing. Some good ones are
1)Meredith McDonald Inner Integration,
2)Lisa Romano,
3)Richard Grannon Spartan Life Coach,
4)From Surviving To Thriving,
5)Joanna Kujath
6) Jerry Wise Systems
Check out videos from each of these people. You can break free.
You are so on point with #7. Staying is the worst thing to do because now everything does turn to your fault even when you no deep down it isn't.
@@texuztweety
Dr David Hawkins on RUclips. He and Dr Carter are the most relatable and spot on and helpful... At least, to me.
The narcissist is judge and jury with anger and fury.
That wasn't my intention.
You heard me wrong.
Your anxiety is playing tricks on you.
You are controlling.
Calls me the narc.
Bang on correct my lovely, I even started to wonder if I was the narcissist as he seemed to enduce me to ask certain things doing rows to make me feel and look the abuser..... I still battle with the worry that I am the narcissist but reading your comment I can relate completely with every word xxxxxxxxxx
Lorna Maria if you’re worried and conscious of your behavior. It’s safe to say that you’re not.
@@meghansullivan8698 Thankyou lovely lady, that was so lovely to read, I actually cried when I read your words. Thank you your very very kind xxxxxxxxx
Lorna Maria You’re welcome and I’m sending you a virtual hug. 🤗 These people aren’t conscious of their behavior or considerate of other people’s feelings. They make you look like you’re the evil person for questioning anything and will accuse you and not view your side or validate your feelings. Be strong and I wish you lots of blessings, love and healing. You’re beautiful and you deserve it! 🌹💕💕🙂
@@meghansullivan8698 Thankyou so so much your an angel, your words were very much needed, your so kind, you have restored my faith in the fact that there are lovely kind people left in this world. You have so many lovely things to come in life I promise you, Namast'e lovely lady.🥰🥰🥰🥰 xxxxxxxxx
So scary! I have heard every single lame excuse from my narc! No empathy, no compassion, and always turning it around and putting the blame on me.
My husband always plays the victim. Tiring
Mine too. When I was told his anger was my fault. When he hit me,.that was also my fault. He always saw himself as the victim.
A man that hits a woman will NEVER stand up to a real man... fact..
I will tell my narc how hurt I am by his actions and he will regurgitate what I had said to him and say I do those things to him such as with hold love affection silent treatment and I’m sorry if this comes off offensive but I’d always say I’d rather my narc come home and beat me up and be done than to emotionally abuse me the way he does I’m so sorry Your dealing with physical abuse Too my narc has done it a few times but tells people I’m physically abusive towards him he tells our young kids I hit him which I never hit anyone I’m a lover not a fighter I pray for everyone dealing with this I hope we all get our safe and can live better lives
A man that hits a woman needs to go to jail.
Debra Helgeson
My ex narc (have known him 25 yrs) always plays the victim....blaming the woman in his life. ALWAYS. I can't be bothered with charades!!!
From my experience, narcissists are highly competitive. Mine always has a count in his head of all the projects, etc. that he has done and then refuses to recognize my contributions to our household - he’s the virtual winner in every aspect of our life together.
Holy shit this is my wife. Here I am working 65 to 80 hours a week and she works maybe 35 to 40. I get one day off and do all the housework and she screams at me how she does everything and when I get home after being gone 16 hours I'm lazy if I just want to eat then go to bed.
@@josephmelnyk9988 unfortunately it doesn't get better. It's probably just going to get worse.
@@atgalpin still haven't gone back. I'm not religious but I had something happen that gives me great cause to not go back despite being asked. I don't want to go into on here though.
I was thinking there is a number 11: When they find themselves the centre of any upset, part of it, in the middle of it, having said something negative that just demonstrates no understanding of how to respond lovingly - when that gets a reaction - there they are saying: "I can't handle this" and walking off to shut themselves away. For days and days on end after this, they give you the silent treatment. They are indignant that you have done them wrong. - by upsetting them so much they had to walk away. Don't mind, it was them that upset you, and that fact and any reason for it are not even on their radar anymore - irrelevant in fact... you owe them an apology for how you reacted (to their horribleness). It's unbelievable.
But that would be number eleven I think Dr Carter.
I swear, your parents and mine have read from the same playbook. AND I am almost 50 years old!! If you are younger than that, THANK your lucky stars you haven't wasted as much time as I have living in a lie for 50 years. I wish it happened sooner so I didn't 75% of my life waiting for them to step up to the plate and become humans.
@@pearlyq3560 I'm not that many years behind you. Hugging you back from Australia. It's good to be out. So much lighter, so much freer. The judgement lifted in every move. Watched, trapped. It's really good to be out. But mentally, emotionally, in every other area of my life still finding ways to recover and move forward. Parents huh? You love what you know, even after you learn how awful they have been, and begin to see just why that is awful - I'm not sure anyone can truly see this while they are young??? It's only after you enter the workforce and leave the nest that you (certainly me/I) begin to more clearly see just how different what you were experiencing was to the experiences of others. It took me years to see.
It was always amazing to me to watch my sister throw a grenade in the room and blame someone else for the damage. I would always shrug off their behavior and spend as little time around them as possible, but I didn't realize how bad it was until they took my mother out. Going from narcissistic sociopaths, to narcissistic Psychopaths. I've not ever been aware of how calloused they are, their lack of empathy, compassion is frightening. I feel for their clueless children who they have turned against me because their parents know I would Spill the Beans about their grandmother. However I have found since I've gone no contact 3 years in May 2019 true freedom. There is tremendous freedom in knowing that it's not something in you, something you did, something you said, something you could do better, and all about them. I've been happier than I've ever been without them in my life! Finding my true self has been an incredible blessing! Healthy boundaries reveal self love and self value the way God intended, and who we were meant to be before 'humans' took hold of us. I have a much healthier group of friends, and it's easier to see why those in the past were my friends and why I needed to remove them from my life. It is a healthy process, and so worth every step. I could not have done it without the Lord, because I would have made the same mistakes over and over again. Asking the Lord into my life was the best thing I ever did!
Faith M. Amen!Amen! Amen!
The only thing to get out of it if they walk away-- help for yourself in the form of self-care, therapy if you can afford it, peace and quiet. I wish the narcissist I had to live with had walked away for days.
They go straight for the jugular! Sick,sick,sick
Lame excuses. Out and out deceit. Concealment. They are oblivious to your level of frustration with them. To communicate with them in a meaningful, productive , cooperative way is not going to resonate. It’s just wasted effort and energy and makes your cortisol soar. Your time is better spent getting into a life boat and abandoning ship.
Well said. The irony is, only recently (through reading and these videos), I couldn't work out why I was feeling so frustrated and stressed out the whole time. Thenl I noticed that whenever we had a night out together (the narcissist friend and I) then I would feel terrible at the end and be unable to sleep and generally feel really really uncomfortable about myself (my looks, life choices... everything would come under critical and damning scrutiny by the narcissist, especially if I had admitted it was a point I was really vulnerable about). I could go out feeling fairly good about myself and return home frustrated, with my self-esteem in tatters (it wasn't like this when I first met the narcissist and so I couldn't quite see the link). Then I started reading and snooping (my friend is incredibly arrogant and vain and self-entitled so I looked up narcissism and these videos to find out more). The videos describe them to a T (and also how they make someone feel special at the start of a relationship or when they are ingratiating themselves- hence I missed the link at first)
Just Megs....is it the cortisol depletion that makes me fat...I know I’ve been majorly stressed before and ended up in hospital with TGA..trans global amnesia...rare but not uncommon...Will my metabolism be affected to that degree by my cortisol levels...Will stress prevent me from losing weight...Stress gaining I call it...
My mother to a tee
favorite one: "nobody's perfect🤷♂️" instead of owning their bs
He is always telling me, "know one is perfect." Yet i found an email to his co-worker that read, "As you know, you are perfect to me."
They make excuses to protect their self image. Hell, they'll throw you to the wall to protect their own image! They will insist that they've not done anything wrong and that you're overreacting. No matter what you say to them they won't understand how you feel at all. No acknowledgment, and the only sorry you'll get is a superficial "sorry for the misunderstanding" (when you understand full well what they did and they do too!), and never a "I made a mistake, I'm so sorry I hurt you."
I confronted him for advertising himself as single on a senior dating site and looking for "his new soulmate and recently out of a relationship with a younger woman who still thinks the world of [him] " ((LOLOLOL)) for 8 months behind my back WHILE I was on year three of caring for his dying alzheimers wife as I waited for our time to come.
"oh, I'm sorry you had to find out. You need to know this one fact : I did it because of you. Your anger forced me to do contingency planning so I wouldn't be left without dates to concerts and football games if you leave me. If you want us to last, you will never speak of this again "
Deplorable.
So true Dr. Les! Thank you for your wisdom.
1. This is all Your fault.
2. You caused these problems.
3. You are an evil vicious woman.
4 I'm ___ years old and I'm Not changing!
DONT. BE A FIOOL.
IF YOU TRUST A NY ONE. YOU WILL. D I E.
I. KN O W IT. ON MY OWN SKIN
REMEMBER. ANYONE. LAWYER DOXTORS FRIENDS VROTHER SISTER PRIEST. ETC
Gloria Davies .... You're the reason my blood pressure is so high...
Gloria Davies yesssss. I'm Jezebel in his eyes
hugs
Narcissists tend to lower there misstakes.
Like: " At least I didnt throw anything hard at you"
As if that merits a congratulation. Dr. C
Calls the cops at least you dint go to jail!
License to chill...That was kinda funny...If you meant humour , you tickled my funny bone...
Alia Stewart at least I didn’t completely leave the country like so and sos dad.....I just stuck around and tormented you and your brother lol
(LAME) EXCUSES are what narcissists live by.
Without getting others to buy those excuses,
it would become too obvious who's at fault,
who's not.
Who's the original source of issue, who's
the real trouble maker.
Excuses are how they get away with being
unreasonable and unfair.
Yes! Obfuscating the cause of the disagreement, conflict, discussion is the modus operandi. The issues I bring up are hardly touched on before it is all turned on me and the conversation isn't even about the original topic anymore. By the end of the "discussion" everything I do is wrong and I can't even remember what the initial issue was. It just turns into a monologue of criticism, so I gave up bringing up issues a long time ago
There was a guy who would always claim that he couldn’t remember what he said/did. That was his excuse. Or else he was in victim mode, blaming everything and everyone except himself.
My wasband too! I seriously thought he had a low IQ or a brain injury. I believed his lies for 22 years. Who is the stupid one? Not me, anymore!
One trait of theirs is that they are never, ever at fault. So yes their magic mixture of shaming and blaming to appear as the most enlightened pearl of life.
How sad, they cause suffering because of their early rooted suffering: mixture of sickness and egocentricity.
Thank you Dr Carter
"It's just the way i am"
"Stuff happens"
"Sorry you feel that way" 😢💔
"I don't remember"
"You causing problems"
I'm hearing those constantly 💔
So. How long will you stay there. ?
When Is enough
Ditch this person
They don't know how to have an objective, indepth, serious conversation with real solutions. I have been the recipient of all of these excuses.
So true. Dr. C
Walk away or RUN actually, run fast but go quietly. Every single person I introduced the Narc I was involved with said he was arrogant.
BlueAngel Right?! I feel so stupid for not taking a damn survey. Everyone thought he was an arrogant ass from the beginning.
They want you to play a freakin' fiddle for THEM all the time. Why do they have ZERO sympathy for everyone else, then ASK for people to GIVE sympathy to them?
I'm not giving sympathy to a person who shows zero sympathy for others.
I used to hear the famous excuse of either, no i didnt or i dont remember!
How convenient they don’t remember...How bloody selfish of them....
Add: "That wasn't my intention." After 2-3rd time I see the pattern.
MJ Dorris Then he needs to improve his methods. That’ll be my answer!!
MJ Dorris liars
Wow... Omy why do i stay and still love him? He always says he dont wanna be with me cause im not gonna change. I should greet and acknowledge him when he comes home grom wotk. Even if im cleaning or cooking.
@@GoogleIsAPieceOfShit2023 Yup!!
Oh yes, I hear that one, ALOT!
When you finally get some proof of what you suspected they were doing behind your back......."You always thought the worst anyway....".
Completely detached from this unbelievably destructive behavior. 👍🏾👍🏾💪🏾💪🏾
Yay!! ...the Devil is a LIAR ...keep God close
You have just described every baby's mama on welfare. I know mine is using the system against me. I watched all your videos and they all described her to the max.
Spent the last 9 years, looking for someone who can actually describe this human condition. Thank you. Subscribed absolute. Knee deep in your work for the last 3 hours. My pain and understanding are healing with every Truth video. Literally. Namaste good Sir.
THE TRUTH MESSENGER mine has been a similar experience. Many thanks to Dr. Les! 🙏🏽
It's quite a road but happy you are finding answers. It helps!!
He is amazingly gifted and generous with his talent, insight, and teachings. A blessing to us all.
Yep arm yourself with this ugly knowledge. It’s mind blowing and soul wrenching but it is the light, illuminating the darkness you have been living. You’ll never be the same again, loss of innocence taking people at”face value”. Gone gone gone. A lot of resetting to be done on self. Hard-work but worth it if it means never being vulnerable to these mutants ever again. Blessings
It only took me 21 years to find out what was wrong...I am disgusted with myself for wasting my time with this SOB...He is CLASSIC covert narcissistic..sometimes the traits are mild but all are spot on...
When you try to have a 'normall' discussion with them they accuse you of picking on them and walk away, so nothing is ever resolved.
Narcissistic parents - when you repeatedly try to sort out the past - those places where there actions didn't look like love, that have baffled you, when you try to ask them why they did what they did/ said what they said/ when you try to make sense of how they were treating you from your early teens to well into your adulthood - when you ask about why they treated your siblings differently. When just no approach ever gets an answer that helps or soothes the wounds. Neglect, parentification, obsession with control of your life, but never admitting it. Never being good enough. Away from them now, NC, but hurting still - how to move on and keep building shattered self-esteem?
Just adding the angle I'd like you to talk about as well here. Thanks.
Sister, you are Not Alone.
Peace
Dear friend, you said it exactly as I have experienced also. Dead on accurate. You are not alone and the pain is unlike anything, it is just brutal. Try to do some work on over-coming abandonment. I am expecting a book today called, The Journey From Abandonment to Healing: Surviving through and recovering from the five stages of loss of love. We must learn to step up to the plate for ourselves and not self-abandon in these painful times. I am in Canada, but I give you a huge hug and tons of empathy that you never got and never will get from the narc. So if you learn to deal with the grief of abandonment and not self-abandon, you need not worry on self-esteem work because low self-esteem is the symptom, not the cause. Chin up friend, life can only go up from here. Though painful, be thankful you can see!!! BIG HUGS!!!!
@@pearlyq3560 Thank-you so much for responding so beautifully, and with such understanding. Yes, abandonment rings very true. Sadly. It is good to be able to see it, yes, absolutely - still wishing I had somehow spotted it earlier and got to no contact sooner. Not self-abandon. This I will try to master. I haven't heard of the five stages of the loss of love, so will see what a quick google reveals on that. Thanks for also showing a guiding light..
I haven’t seen or spoken to my mother in over 2 decades. Cutting off all contact was the hardest decision I ever made, but it was also the smartest decision I ever made
Imogene bunting..u have described my mother to a t. Im late 50s, been no contact 13 yrs but broke it recently when she tried to rook me into her faux estate planning needs...disaster. shes 92 yrs old she picked up exactly where she left off 13 yrs ago abusing me verbally emotionally, etc., as if the last 13 yrs of no contact had not even occurred...no reflection on her part, no insight on herself, utter failure to accept personal responsibility for the devastation to our family from her DECADES of covert malignant narc abuse...it sounds from ur comment that you and i could swap stories until the cows come home...im the scapegoat daughter , we had total of 10+ kids in the family at any one time, many Golden Children, Lost Children, and other roles, but only one Scapegoat-me. Consistently, over the decades, despite my successes, my life, etc--scapegoat. Bottom line, I only have a few good years left. So, i have cut her out of my life permanently...im disinherited, disowned, smeared, flying monkeyed, whole 9 yards...but i dont care, i ignore., not going to her funeral when she passes, hey! Let the golden children handle that... But i am doing my own disowning of HER, so i can get ME And my life back....no contact, no matter what or whom. It is a lifesaver.
Denying reality: I've been told, "I never said that," in an email. The insults were visible at the bottom of my screen as I read the denial at the top of the screen.
I've been told in a text, "I never said that," 10 minutes after receiving a text with a barrage of insults. The insult text was still in my inbox.
Amazing.
You have proof, you could screen shot it and send it to them if they do that.
JB a counselor recommended we text!!
@@mlou7432 Thank you, but I'd prefer to continue just commenting online.
I went back to the narc before I figured out he was a narc. We went to dinner and to talk things over.. He said he had changed and he wouldn't be doing any of those things he did before. I told him I wouldn't go back unless there were positive changes in his behavior. He told me, no problem. Long story short, about 3 months into the relationship he decided to go back to his old self. I called him out on it and reminded him what he said at dinner that night. His reply was, "I never said that!" Told me I was delusional! From then on I would record everything I could on my micro-cassette. I finally left after about 5 more years of abuse. He hasn't contacted me since. It's been over 1 year now. I told him before leaving that I had all the arguments on tape and told him he had NPD. He just laughed at me, but I am the one who ended up silently getting the last laugh. However, I could care less about that part of it. He's out of my life for good and that is good!.
Same exact experience with name-called, condescending and aggressive emails, texts from my narc older brother. What he means is a version of "how sensitive you are to take it that way." I'm done; 55 years old and finally, finally putting together the insane bullying, cruelty and condescension from my childhood/adolescence. If he thinks you're "putting him down", which has included such offenses as being 5 minutes late to a family gathering, not returning his call immediately, or changing the subject after he's held the floor for 30-45 minutes with stories of his latest triumph over the idiots that surround him at work, etc, he will arrogantly exit the room and pout. What's weird is that he seems to be able to compensate for this when it suits him.
Yep the relationship is very unhealthy. They are poor communicators, and they are exhausting to deal with.
Exhausting is the right word. Well said
The ones I'm dealing with are usually vague when communicating or exclude vital information and then become angry or annoyed when questioned for clarification., sometimes implying or straight-out blaming me for not being able to comprehend or not listening. Also very indecisive, almost always changing their mind and plans are rescheduled or canceled altogether, exhausting indeed. It's nearly impossible to get a direct answer to a simple yes or no question.
Even tho there is no contact, they have an outpost in my head. I look for healing elsewhere, because they don't think they are the problem. They have no thot of me, yet I can't seem to forget about the cruelty they have bestowed onto me. What a horrible way to live my life. How can someone so hateful and deceitful have such a hold on me? They really do not matter to me, still, I can't let their hurtful words go. This is so sick. And if they knew how I am feeling, I know they would love it. Sick. Sick. Sick. This video was so perfect. It's everyone else who is the problem, they never can accept responsibility and say they are the victim. Wow. This is such weird behavior on how deeply it affects the people around them. "... their mind simply is not able to manage that" THEY are the problem.
I can relate to how you are feel. xxx
Yup. Bet he has nasty addictions to and his parents were boring ! Derogatory
I know how you feel 💙
I can relate I recently had to go no contact with with my neighbor former "friend" and church member. She refuses to be accountable or responsible for her actions.
Her favorite thing is to do nice things and say I did this for you now you owe me and God told me how you need to think, feel and act or what direction you need to take; go against me and go against God.
She has been verbally and physically abusive in the past when told no, not getting her own way, not being in absolute control and not being the center of attention.
This narcissistic abuse is sick and painful.
I pray for her daily and have chosen forgiveness to take away the last micro fragments of her control. I chose to go no contact and love her at a far distance. Having the main goal to treat her like Christ would. It's a test of my faith but doing so takes away her power and control. It helps me to be the Victor not the victim! It's the greatest revenge to go live your life freely and happily! Uneffected by their behavior, not shaken by their narcissistic rage and not giving in to them and not backing down. Just appearing calm cool and collected.
I will never justify what she did to me but I can empathize with her pain and trauma now without allowing her to suck me back in, I can detach from her and the situation.
This has been a very painful, difficult, the depressing, demoralizing and toxic situation.
I am using what happened to learn and grow. Now I know what to look for and I will be better prepared in the future. I also think that God will help me use this grotesque hideous situation and the pain for a greater good.
I believe it's my sanctified experience with God. Hopefully I can use what happened to help others struggling with the same kind of narcissistic abuse find peace.
I hope and pray that you can find peace and healing.
This has been my life for 20+ years. Now I understand why I feel how I feel and I can show myself some sympathy. I didn’t understand why I always left conversations with him feeling low, defeated, and sad. Often I’ve even found myself crying after our conversations. Wow. I’m so proud of myself bc I don’t take any type of medication to cope... I’ve managed to tap into my spirit and make it through. Thank you Dr. Les!! ❤️
Can you impart any of that wisdom on us...How do you turn yourself off of the negative feelings you must have had when the conversations were a dud...Weren’t you left totally empty?
Need a strong peer support system. SMART recovery has good meetings and tools
Walk away from this person
5 or 6 years ago, I once asked my Mother or rather "tried" to explain to her my feelings during a conversation. I had asked her has she ever felt depression, anxiety, or any other emotions that I feel. And, she said that she doesn't feel those emotions. She hates when I cry about anything. I had to kick her out of the hospital while I was giving birth because she told me to be quiet. And, that I should not express the pain verbally. They do feel anger, rage, envy the most. I do know that. I know now what projection is even though it took 30 to find it out. These people are evil to the core.
Carolyn....I relate to that about crying. We weren't allowed to cry . There was screaming..."Quit crying or looking at me like that or you'll keep getting it". I learned to always look down around them .When I was a toddler, I remember being in a bed and in a dark room. I was scared and started crying. My mom said she sent my stepdad in to shut me up. I deserved it...she said. I remember him coming in and then a huge out of my breath feeling. He hit me on my back ,not on my pants in case , she said they were dirty.....three times I gasped for air. He broke my back. I walk with leg braces .I crawled till I was 6. After that experience I learned to never ask for help from them. I never cried again. I laughed at my sister's funeral....I couldn't cry... But I felt sad. My mom slapped my face to shut me up .She said she would never take me to another funeral again.....but I didn't want to go to one ever again.
I had an ectopic pregnancy and was in agony screaming. My ex told me to be quiet and not to disturb the neighbours.
@@lynncraig6151 I am so sorry you were so badly abused, what a sick human being to do that to a child. I hope your life is better or if not - that it gets better and they get (or got) what they deserve.
@@She_McGee Hi...I miss my sister and brother .He suffered Brain damage. My sister was killed when she was 8...two days short of her 9th Birthday. She was buried on her Birthday. They seemed to like to ruin special days or Holidays. I hope my sister doesn't resent that I survived and she didn't. I have dreams of her. She should of lived instead of me making it. She was smarter , prettier and was a little mama taking care of us siblings. I hope when I die ...I see her and she won't be mad that I managed to make it. People thought we were twins ....we wore the same clothes . People said we were inseparable. I grew up , bought a little house that is my safe house . I garden, paint, and have two dogs ...I love dearly .They are the kids I never had. I'm happy now. Living alone , isolated is a safe feeling. I don't have nightmares anymore. And I have a piano too.
@Nickhead87 I appreciate your comments. It's nice to not be alone in the damage these "creatures" can do to others. My Mother has always called her Mother by her first name. Never Mom or Mother. It's hard to accept her and her narcissist behavior anymore. I am trying to ease her out of my life for good. It's time to let her go forever.
the worst fake apology is the kind when they say something like “i’m sorry i’m a horrible person” that’s so manipulative!
I’ve done eerything I can possibly do to give you the best possible life. If you still aren’t happy there is nothing that could make you happy.no one will ever love you more than me.
I just got cursed out and called awful names for simply asking him a question. I’m so tired and so stuck in this relationship! It’s frustrating to say the least!
Happens to me also..when they don't want to give validation..mine told me why do you always want validation he also told me he was Satan.
Sha Rocks it’s a horrible way to live! They break us down to make themselves feel better!! Stay strong love ❤️
Dawn Hart k
I get cursed out when I ask for help.
litteacher135 stay strong!❤️
my ex narc's excuse for abusing me and putting me down was that he needed to reserve the right to EXPRESS HIMSELF and he didn't care at all how that affected me - that was my problem
basically anytime I tried to talk to him about anything he would flip it around and blame me and say that's what I did so it never went anywhere It was just stonewalling and he never took responsibility for anything
That is pretty spot on for my situation
"I had to say it like that because you weren't listening" which to him means obeying him or abandoning my position
"I'm the victim" is one of the favorite excuses of most narcissists, IMO. They can't see themselves as wrong, and they can never receive any input that would mark them as guilty.
I love tuning into your videos because it gives me comfort that I’m not making it up...
Life is too short to waste a moment on these people....walk ,don't run, just as far as you can and do not look back....the great gift of watching your videos Dr.Carter, is that you have taught me that I do not have to feel guilty anymore about not making excuses for these people and tolerating more abuse.....bless toy, an thank you.
My bf has used these ones:
"Life isn't always rainbows and unicorns."
"You're always looking for something to be upset about."
"I got crappy because I thought you were being disrespectful."
It's such a waste of life trying to make them see, and trying to learn how to not react...it will turn you into a pile of wasted rubble...wasted life! And will never get better! Even with the ideas of grey rock, and radical acceptance, and only talking about the weather, a sports team, etc...is that what we want in any relationship?
They love trying to convince us that WE'RE the disrespectful one for reacting to THEIR disrespect. Total manipulation.
It is what it is. 😐
“You’re just too sensitive.”
This goes along with the excuse you mention where the narcissist proudly claims “This is who I am, take me or leave me. I tell it like it is.” As if they have a free pass to say what they like, however insensitive.
I had a narcissist friend who always said, “I’m only responsible for what I say, not how YOU interpret it.”
Which seems wise at first, but it’s just another form of the first statement, which is, I believe I can say what I want, and I have no responsibility for how you receive it, especially if it hurts you. This is SUCH wrong thinking and baloney. If you are in a friendship or relationship then it’s understood that you care for that person and their feelings (ideally). So yes, you ARE indeed responsible for making amends when your words hurt someone.
My two kids have heard all their lives that, “We apologize when we hurt people, whether it was an accident or not.”
But narcissists don’t want to be accountable for their words or actions, as you say, it makes some of them feel shame they don’t want to own, or they feel like they are losing the superior status they think they have in the relationship.
A curious thing happens though, when you hurt a narcissist’s feelings unintentionally. You absolutely must pay for hurting them, and you absolutely must apologize, perhaps several times, and even then, you will be on their black list for awhile! Funny how they have such ludicrously double standards! 😂
I just love how "even keeled " Dr. Clark is. his demeanor and delivery ALWAYS help calm me down ( not an easy task.) thank you!
I find it amazing that I've watched close to 7 of these videos and there's always new relevant information that isn't repeating.
My narc always says "Im just telling it like it is", mean spirited, yells, belittles, name calls, causes division and keeps records of wrongs, holding it over my and others heads and uses those 'wrongs' as ammo at some point ...UGH!!!
My father does the same thing he loves belittling me all the time .
@@Mike-xt2lh I'm sorry brotha. Stay strong and know that God has a very different opinion about you. 👍
@@mikekean5902 Sounds like the exact same words I use 🤔. Especially since I have a narc parent who steals my identity . But thank you for those kind words 😊.
"Don't let my actions affect you"
Some lame excuses:
1) you are destroying my self confidence: you making me doubt about myself
2) if you had been a loving person, things would never have gone wrong between us
3) you are resentful and unforgiving : why are you bringing up what I did yesterday? What did I do today?
4) you don’t even notice or encourage how much I have improved
@storeeteller1 yes, of course, but that is the standard behaviour of a narcissist, isn't it? what is interesting in the presentation here is that the narcissist reverses the charges and consciously or unconsciously blames the victim for his or her own behaviour.
Verbatim. These people are eerily similar.
@Farhan Yazdani
Latest ones:
"If you can't see how much I've improved and 'changed' then You are Blind!"
@storeeteller1
Gotchya, yes. The narc in my life doesn't take me or our relationships nor the issues seriously.
He says to me about his lack of empathy, connection, "getting-it" or compassion... That I put him down so he shuts off and I'm the one who made him cold.
Whatever. It's the same cycle.
I'm working my way out of it!
@storeeteller1
I didn't even put him down. I was opening up about how I feel and needed his love, attention, but...
Nothing but a dead cold 🐟 fish that plays dead. But he always takes it as me attacking him, criticising him or putting him down, when I'm not at all and in fact he's the one putting me down. Can't and don't get anywhere. Yet the lack of progression is blamed on me too even though im the one using all my energy to try and work it out. It just ain't never gonna happen.
Your videos are a narcissistic abuse goldmine! I feel rich beyond my means!!!
So pleased! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks so much for all that you do! ❤
I figured out in the last months that my mom is a narcissist. That's a horrible feeling, but now I'm grateful for this discover. Now I know that I'm not the problem, now I know I have value and I deserve respect. God bless you and all those who help us to understand things better. Sorry for my bad english. Have a nice day!
We are not determined by our mistakes.. but how grow and learn from them... or not. we all have a choice... 🌱
It's amazing how much I've learned from watching Dr C. Knowledge truly is power. This knowledge goes a long way as we learn to protect ourselves from the Narcs out there.
Very true Dr. Les. I have heard most of the excuses while dealing with the narc, especially the lack of sympathy and being unconcerned saying stuff happens, deal with it. Thank you for the video🙏. Please make a video for Empaths on how to deal with narcissists.
Yes definitely need that video for The Empath!! Thank you for bringing up this extremely debilitating condition. The Narc's favorite type to pray upon is the Empath. The Narc can truly cause an Empath to become more drained, depressed , emotionally and physically more Ill than what they already and can make them end up with all sorts of health problems especially autoimmune disorders. Anyway love to see more details about this subject. Thanks again Kavita
Dead on accurate as usual. Your wisdom is valueable, thank you.
Amazing that he is citing the Democrat excuses of the past 2 1/2 years. Wow!
I dug a hole this past week. After 26 years of marriage my husband pulled a new one.....Three times in one week he made a snide comment in the vehicle when I turned down the heat. He said,
"Yeah, don't ask if anyone else is hot." This is as myself and children are taking off coats!
After the third time I said, "It's obviously hot in here so you don't need to try to make me look like a selfish jerk"
When we got in the house I calmly asked what was going on as he mentioned this three times in one week when never mentioning it before (I've turned off the heat many times as has he). He told me it's bothered him for years.
I was like, "Wait, something that small and you couldn't say years ago....Hey babe I'm still cold can you turn it back on or can you adjust it but keep it on?" Obviously I could have asked but the fact that we are all shedding our clothes, it seems like a given doesn't it?? Yet to him, I was only thinking of myself.
Why would anyone stew about something so small for all those years instead of addressing it in the moment ????
Now what do I do the next time it's hot in the car??? I should have ignored his snide comment as I did the first two times. Dang it!!!
Being around them you start to lose yourself and you get emulated. Begrudged me to do anything domestically independent. The use anyone and anything as an excuse of you the should or shouldn't do anything. What ever is a chore they want do unless something is to be gained. Nothing is ever done modestly and honest. There is always a catch in there somewhere.
Omg Dr. Carter you do make me feel a lot better about my situation.. You completely describe my husband to a T..
He isn't physically violent but his words are worse. All these excuses he has used or said to me. Went as far as calling me a narcissist and I am the blinded one. Calls me overly sensitive or I bring on all the drama.
Yes they are never wrong. No responsibility for sure. The flags were there unfortunately I kept giving them one pass after another. Thank you for your videos.
Curiosidades Extrano ....why oh why did I ignore the flags that flew in my face...Was I so desperate to settle down....?? I’ve got some living to do and do it by myself for a change...
I gave passes all my life....& now I don't have any pity or caring for her. I am totally without patience. But am working on controling myself around my 91 aged mother. It has been never ending. How does one that old...never get tired of pressing your buttons or being "the Drama Queen"? When she feels alone she will produce some kind of drama.
She has sucked the soul out of me.
"You never appreciate anything that I do", when he does very little. Add to your list. Might as well talk to a wall.
His yelling "that's not what I said!!!" When it's certainly what I heard! His nonsense makes my head spin!
Had to stay with my brother for a while. 2 months . Financial. He once said to me , I know you can’t go anywhere so I can say whatever I want . And said nobody wants you not even your kids. He was always in a rage with someone. Almost daily. I knew I had to go and fast ! When I got my first s s check I called Uber and went to a hotel. I blocked him. Smh
“ the keeper of correctness “, I love it! So true.
I now look back and see positively from my past relationship with a narc. This video is true in all excuses. I was just as wrong for staying as long as I did.
Now I see the narc was pushing their ways into me. I became the narc shadow which is scary. I have gained so much strength stepping away entirely. I have more knowledge for red flags and know to walk away sooner rather than later. For now, I'll continue to heal before thinking of a relationship.
Thank you for all you do, Doc!
My mother's is "I didn't intend it to be hurtful, you're just sensitive" so I'm the one in the wrong for being offended. My father's is "I'm right I did nothing wrong"
Oh boy, you have both parents that way? I thought I was the only one.
I always get the excuses..."we are all imperfect". Or "you do the same thing".
Ppl are imperfect
Whilst stabbing you
Mine always uses his childhood to make excuses for present bad behavior. He's almost seventy. Hello? Great video, Dr. C!!!!
Thanks, Nancy! Dr. C
"Anyone who has a problem with me just has a problem with themself. I don't do anything for anyone to get upset about."
Yep. It's true. One big one that REALLY told me what (who ...a 9-yr-old!) I was dealing with was:
" You started it ! " and " How do YOU like it ?! "
I also got: (very similar to what you already said!) . . . . " I don't have this problem with ANYone else. "
Insinuating that it MUST be YOU!
Ugh!
The one that pissed me off the most was when, after some truly egregious behavior, when I would call him out on it, he would say, “I don’t remember that.” Just ridiculous. Wish 30 years ago I’d told him to not remember my damn number.
That's a convenient out they use commonly. Dr. C
Omg no.7 yes !!.. ' you need to see what you can change, I don't need to change anything ' ..
And another i once said that if i do one thing, it's never good enough, you don't do the thing, it's still not good enough ( damned if you do, damned if you don't)...
Their reply " oh that's your conscience telling you that" ... never taking responsibility for their nasty SICK behaviour .
I am so sick and tired of it, draining the life out of me.
Every mean thing they say is always a joke, at your expense. If you interpret something they say correctly, they "never meant it like that".
“I don’t know” and “I don’t remember....”. I told him he wasn’t allowed to use those phrases or say “sorry” ever again . So he just stayed quiet each time I called him out but his body language was loud and clear.
My told a lame lie in front of me to his mother and I ask why and his response was"to save face" I asked whos face was he trying to save!
The lie was about me!
An excuse "I forgot"
Triple L I FORGOT!!!!! One of my favorites.
My birthday, christmas, our anniversary. I forgot. Really?! The tree on Dec 1st wasn't a big indicator. Lol.. oh man.
And try using that one on the narcissist. Just watch the fireworks then! LOL!
How about the one "I don't know what you're talking about"
That’s my mom and brother favorite
Here's one: When you tell them you don't like something they said or did they respond with, "Yeah, I guess I'm just a piece of shit." Or "Maybe one day I can be perfect just like YOU"
My EX/ NARC only worked a few days a month. Just long enough to have $$ for the moment. Runs off, spends the money on himself then comes back empty handed to ask for resources.
Dr. Carter, This seems to be rampant. Why? Is it from taking Bible studies out of public schools all those years ago? That is the manual for human behavior that we’ve lost as public schools have gone secular. It seems entitlement has taken over both in Europe and now here. My 90 and 96 year old parents act like petulant children! My sister and soon to be ex has narcissism too. My poor brother died from drugs (no doubt trying to cope with the affects of them). We were all raised in secular households. My parents are self-proclaimed atheists. I noticed 20 years ago here in LA when my eldest child started school that there was a serious problem with how the kids treated each other and how the teachers looked the other way. In fact when I was in grade school nothing came up with regards to ethical behavior. Teaching kids to be good and working towards that maybe needs to be a priority with the 3 R’s instead of inculcating little activists. It seems we need to teach our kids not just in the home how to be good, but also in our schools since many kids need to hear it from others too.
“I didn’t even think about it” - in response to not doing any one of the dozens of routine tasks that occur on a regular basis.
You are a light in the darkness. It is a journey, and I am ever grateful for your selfless efforts, your wisdom and eloquence. Your genuine care. Thank you for showing what real love is.
their excuses are to blame others and also to divert the conversation to get the heat off of them
exactly. Dr. C
And I remember my ex-husband would publically hind behind that "Would you rather be right or happy?" bullshit. Other people would get behind him no matter what he had done. He pulled so much shit on me. He had me isolated and under his thumb. And he has always known I am easily distracted and gullible and trusted him is completely. And that's where I discovered the one question his sick ass never could answer ..... Why me? He was the perfect man until the day after our wedding. From that first morning it changed so fast that just taking it all in kept me disoriented and afraid. And he used it all against me as viciously as any person could hope. He was so creative with his Gaslighting that at one point, I actually forgotten how to cook. And I don't mean fancy gourmet food. Cube steak....meatloaf, roast. Yeah, everyone else in his life and co workers thought he was being victimized by his hopelessly addled wife who had tricked him by getting pregnant and trapping him. I need to stop talking about this.