The hard part for my parents was teenagehood. Because while not all children are the same, you can parent them relatively universally. Teenagers are forming their own identity and agency and sense of self and they themselves don’t know what they want. As a Teenager i constantly felt like i wanted a hug from my mom but i also didn’t want one. I had massive mental health issues my parents didn’t understand because i was such an independent, easy kid
That's exactly what my mom and I went through (she was a single mom and my primary parent). She was also raised in a small town, personal insecurities, some & naivete with mental health. So it was a pretty new issue she had troubles navigating initially. I think the things that really helped us were both her and I learning about mental health things individually then sharing them. We both did a lot of individual therapy along with creating environments we could talk more honestly without becoming defensive. I remember her reading a lot of different books and researching different treatments I was comfortable with trying. It got better and worse; I asked & got a week psych ward visit, eventually got the right meds for the most part, started standing up for myself, and I think the main thing was just graduating highschool after all that mental health help& learning. Which is bittersweet cuz it isn't something most students wanna hear but it also means it isn't a forever thing. It's equal parts medical help, personal growth daily, and the right environment. After graduating I was able to practice a lot of these skills I had acquired and really flourished. Still had some scary setbacks here and there but I've never been better mentally and relationship-wise with my mom! She still questions/doubts how well she did during those times but I think she handled it as perfectly as she could. We can all always do better but for what it's worth; if anyone's a doubtful parent just know that showing up, learning differently, actively doing better, and just being patient & forgiving with your teen is one of the best things any parent can do.
So agree with this! I had some early childhood trauma that was unknown to my parents... It really didn't show up as any huge behavioral issue till I was 12. My teenage years were an absolute nightmare for my parents. My parents were good parents, maybe even great parents. They really didn't know how to help me though, the important thing is is that they tried and kept trying and I always knew they loved me even when they messed up and did the wrong thing. I think the hardest part for them was knowing I was suffering so much and not being able to fix it. Also when I was dealing with addiction, I think they were just straight terrified for me, that I was going to die. Another huge thing was that I don't think that they liked me at all when I was a teenager. Frankly I was obstinate and miserable to my parents during this time, so I don't blame them. They never stopped loving me though, even when they didn't like me.
See, I do horribly with kids under 10-11. I want them to shut up, sit down, stop screaming, stop being so slow, shut up, stop fighting, did I mention shut up? I know they are just being kids, but I'm done with them in 5 seconds. Pre teens and teens, they can talk like an intelligent life form, those independence "struggles" lead to conversation and observable change. You can watch real movies, talk about the real world, take them anywhere in the world, explain things to them without it devolving into round 2975330000 of screaming that hour, and they take care of themselves half the time I will never have kids because there's no way I wouldn't mess them up those first ten years, they are just so aweful. But I have a long track record of working well with teens
And they think they know everything and have little sense of danger but you're supposed to be encouraging independence so you just sort of have to hope you're going to get a complete child back every time
You also have to remember that each child is an individual from day 1. My first son started sleeping through the night at 10 weeks old never had cholic no teething issues ( was basically perfect as a baby) my second was difficult right out of the box...choices for 6 months didn't sleep for 2 years temper tantrums out the wazoo but was a very easy teenager while his older brother was pushing boundaries at every moment...so the hardest part of motherhood is basically having to have completely different parenting skills with each and every child😮
I had the same experience with my boys! First one was an easy baby and stubborn toddler, second was a fussy baby and an easy going toddler! It all keeps changing as they get older, but it truly is completely different ways of guiding each child.
Agreed 100%! I would only make a small change to add that every child is different starting with day 1 of pregnancy. My first pregnancy was a fever dream it was so amazing start to finish. The second one I had gestational diabetes, UTI’s, lovely lovely spider/varicose veins and I averaged about 20 dead runs to the toilet to vomit every single day of my pregnancy until the morning we checked in to the hospital for my scheduled C-section. He’s one of the loves of my life and worth every single second of agony and then some. But WOW could not have had two more different pregnancies! 😮😂❤😊 Edit: spelling & clarification
Agreed. My son at five days home came home from the hospital and then at six days old went back. We found out he had the cold sore virus. Official diagnosis was HSV1 encephalitis. He is fortunate to be alive. He was in the hospital till he was 6 weeks old and we were told he might not be able to walk, talk, see, hear etc… that he might have seizures. First 9 months was spent giving him one medication 3 times a day and 2 others twice a day. He had multiple monthly appointments 40 min away till he was 18 months old and therapy 3 times a week from 6-18mo. He slept through the night after all that with a few sleepless nights. Would fall asleep on the car seat and is very social. He is special needs but has perfect eye sight, hearing and can talk and communicate. My daughter is neurotypical and her first year was uneventful compared to her brother. It felt so odd to have a baby with no medical issues. Her thing was, she had to be sitting up in your arms from the beginning. She wanted to see the world and always had amazing head control. Hated the car seat and still does. She is very strong willed, was sitting on her own at 5mo and walking by 10 months. She didn’t ever want to be alone though. Had to be connected to someone (mostly me) or she would scream. Even today she is like that… she loves to cuddle. My two kids couldn’t be anymore different.
I appreciate that someone is out here telling the truth about motherhood. I want kids one day but I don’t want to be delusional, I already don’t handle change very well. I need to hear this stuff!
Yeah but then you also have to understand that there are people that do not have this experience with raising their kids. Personally I feel like this particular Creator obsesses over every little thing and turns it into a mountain of difficulties she has to overcome. Which in turn is making it harder for herself. I had my first kid at 15 and yes having kids at any age is difficult and stressful and strenuous, but I don't think it's anywhere close to what she continuously describes in her videos. And I've had three kids in total raising the first one on my own for 3 years. So this in my opinion is one aspect and experience that should be taken into consideration but it shouldn't be taken as a normal or standard experience. I also personally believe that people who live in worlds like this and not just with parenting are actually self-absorbed and attention seekers bordering on some form of narcissism, they are just smart enough to be able to market it and not give away that it's a form narcissism, because they know that it's not acceptable or well received by people.
@@k_t530that's such a horribly dismissive take. "I had an easier experience, so my experience must be the norm and anyone who says otherwise is just creating their own problems". Be glad that your experience was different, but don't invalidate the experiences of others. So many mothers (including me) have had really challenging experiences and find her content extremely relatable, and honestly so comforting to know we're not alone. We DO need to normalise talking about how hard it is, because it IS hard for many of us and a big part of that is the sense of loneliness and isolation.
@@k_t530 I don’t think the point of her videos is to say anything is “the standard” or something that everyone goes through. I think she’s helping women adjust their expectations so they won’t feel like failures if and when they encounter struggles they didn’t anticipate. I would rather go into motherhood prepared for the worst and then be pleasantly surprised when it’s easier.
The "hardest part" changes over time. Early on it was the sleep deprivation plus hormones. Later it was potty training. Now it's getting my youngest ready for full day Kindergarten after they had such difficulty at full day preschool while helping my stubborn/shy oldest navigate their feelings but still giving them their desired (age-appropriate) space.
@@LouiseMacleayNo. These are exactly the kind of invalidating and fearmongering comments that are not welcome in 2024. Julie shared her personal experience, which you then laughed at and said that’s nothing compared to your experience. Do better.
@@sayhello5377no, you missed the point. Louise was saying that teenagers are hard *too*, “it’s all fun” meaning there’s something at each stage that makes it hard. She didn’t invalidate or laugh at anyone. Stop looking for fights.
Truth!! I had no idea how hard pregnancy was going to be for me. I had all these expectations for how difficult motherhood and postpartum would be without realizing that the difficulty started at pregnancy.
Girl, same!! I'm awful at being pregnant. I'd literally prefer to give actual birth everyday for 9 months than be pregnant for a single week. I also wasn't prepared at all for postpartum depression. Talk about some dark times😳
And, ironically, it was the exact same opposite with me!! I was expecting pregnancy to be hard and it wasn't as hard as I thought. Postpartum hit my like a truck. I felt like I was in postpartum for MONTHS lol very accurate video!
Yeah I didn’t think pregnancy would be as hard as it was. I would love to have another baby but volunteering to be constipated and sick and uncomfortable every day for almost a year followed by a major abdominal surgery is not super motivating
@@abbybrown638right? I was pregnant four times, all pregnancy's were pretty smooth sailing no major issues except some sickness the first two months. But talk about birth, just no. I was not afraid about pain, I know I can handle a lot, but every birth for me was kind of traumatising and extremely overwhelming. Still birth, 37h active labor, 28h active labor, and the last one was kind of a "normal" birth with only 15h. It was finally the birth where I had the say over what happend to me, I was in a different hospital with amazing staff, I was able to have a water birth and expect for some sickness and a pda it went very well and I had finally the feeling of being able to reclaim this experience when all three pervious births were pretty hard on me and I had no control and/or say over what happend to me. Postpartum was rough. The worst with my still birth, having to go through all of the healing while mourning a loss was so hard. Just as she said, for every mom different things are hard. But when our son was finally here it felt like heaven came true for me. Nursing felt natural and while my body went through all the painful horrible things we got to know each other and grew together as a family. Taking care of Baby's always felt easy/natural to me. Not like my life has been put upside down, but like a change that came naturally. For me it started to get difficult when they turned around 4. Right now my kids are 7, 5 & 3 and I could not be happier. Although I wasn't all the time, I struggled on and off with postpartum depression, went to therapy. What I'm trying to say is motherhood is like a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs, it's a wild ride but all in all you wouldn't trade this crazy life or your kids for anything in the world ❤
I had to explain to my best friend that part of why I'm so stressed and tired is because I can't turn off my mom brain I'm forced to be plugged in 24/7 due to my daughter's type 1 diabetes. I haven't had the ability to fully disconnect from motherhood in like 4 years lol.
PLEASE MORE OF THESE!! We’re just starting to try to conceive and these types of videos are so insanely helpful and eye-opening. This is amazing. Thank you
I'll be praying for you! Having a child was the best thing! I hope to get married again and have more kids. My son, he's 14, he doesn't like that idea. His father passed away and he just wants it to be us. Lol but she is right on point on this. Just make sure you and your partner talk about everything now! Work out how you want to raise your kid. Even for when they get into elementary, middle school, and high school. Sounds like a long time away, but it happens fast. You don't want a baby here and then BAM! One of you decides you want to go to church, homeschool, or maybe you cuss in the house and decide that's a no no. Maybe you want to keep certain music away and you want wait to give your child screen time. Talk about whether or not you will wait for juice and sweets. Last thing you want is to be excited that your child is finally taking a sippy and you come home and your partner has put juice in the cup! Remember too, babies can't have water! Also, talk about who you think you will be ok with babysitting and if you think you will be ok sleepovers or not. Think about whether or not you will be letting your baby sleep in your room or not or even in your bed. I've seen partners struggle with that big time! Because maybe you want your baby close but it wakes up your working husband. My sister and husband slept in different rooms for a few years. My son slept in my room until he was like 9. For real!
@@Blf23 I’m six months pregnant with my first, and that is such a great list of discussion topics! Thank you!!! Hubby and I have talked about a bunch of those but not all. Now I know what to bring up next!
I’m currently reading “what all parents need to know” and “how not to hate your husband after kids” Despite the intentionally rage inducing titles, they’re both well written and quite well researched. Wish I had have read those before having my first and my marriage falling apart :’( There’s hope though! Hope they help you out ☺️
Adding to the first comment: talk about how you want to handle baby’s firsts. Do you want to keep it from each other until you each see it individually/together so as not to have the other feel like they’re missing out? For example: my partner expressed not liking missing out on everything and not wanting to know she was doing something new until he saw it then he wanted me to be just as excited as he was. I failed that and need to get better at being excited with him for her new things that aren’t new to me. I also asked not to be told if she does something new in front of him, so it is a bit hard to balance although I’m home 24/7 with baby so I see the firsts most of the time. Another thing to discuss: do you want your partner to stay with baby 100% of the time in the hospital? As in when being moved from delivery to recover, is your partner to stay with baby? How do you want to handle delivery? Are you okay with your partner napping? What is your partners role in delivery? I told my partner his job was to make sure my nurses knew my wants because they had been discussed prior, even when they changed he relayed it to my nurses for me, Look into daycare costs and figure out if it’s better for one of you to stay home instead of paying for child care if that hasn’t already been decided. Talk postpartum, what is your partners role then? Do you need your partner to focus on helping you with the baby or cleaning the house so you aren’t stressed over that? If you’re breastfeeding, do you want your partner to be in charge of grabbing you drinks and snacks because you may not be able to move while nursing your baby. Do you intend to split night wakings if you’re using a bottle? Make sure you’re on the same page about your expectations for the hospital and after with visitors. Do you want people coming the day you deliver or do you want that time for yourself? Do you want people at the hospital at all (or your home if you have a home birth) within the first couple of days? Who can hold the baby? Who can’t hold the baby? When will your partner be watching the baby so you can have time for yourself? Because you will need time to yourself even if you feel like no one can take care of your child as well as you can, including your partner, because I felt that with my first and I sent myself into a bad mental space by not asking for help. Read up on signs of postpartum anxiety, depression, and even anger with your partner and do not be afraid to get help and ask for it and even demand it if need be. You HAVE to be in a good headspace to take care of your child properly, if your mental health is suffering, you can’t parent how your child needs you. On that same note, when will your partner get time alone? And, when will you two get time together “alone”? Will it happen during naps? Or when baby is down at night? Will you entrust someone to watch baby for a little if baby is on a bottle? What do each of you need individually to be happy, what do each of you see as quality time together? The first year after a baby is the hardest on a relationship supposedly. For postpartum, padsicles: witch hazel and aloe Vera mixed and put on a panty liner or pad then put in the freezer. Bactin, or another disinfecting/pain relieving spray, it helps for a vaginal delivery, I felt very little pain or itchiness and both my friends that I gifted it too used it after their two pregnancies and say it helped a lot. Adult diapers are much more comfortable than giant pads and less likely to leak. Pre make good and freeze it. Gather gift cards for eating out or even ask for them as baby shower gifts. Get some snacks and drinks you like that you can grab and go with, even consider keeping some in different rooms you frequent and may have baby in, I kept cliff bars in my room and in the office where the bassinet was since we didn’t do a nursery and just kept baby with us. Discuss how you will handle a situation later if you disagree with each other on how to handle something. Like, if your child does something and gets in trouble and you have different ideas on what the discipline should be, will it be who speaks first and the other agrees and backs it and you talk later? Will you have a code word to alert your partner that you’d like to discuss the action to take before telling your child? What information do you want shared online about baby? Nothing? Name, birthday/time and no pictures? Who can pictures be shared with? Just family? Family and friends? What happens if family goes against your wishes about posting? Who can post about baby? Express all of your opinions and wishes on whatever topic you can think of to your partner because you can’t read each others minds and you may think the answer is obvious and universal and it just might not be. For example: obvious to me, not my partner: baby can’t ride in a car seat in the front seat of the car. His parents only have a truck with a bunch seat, under no circumstances was our kid allowed to ride in their vehicle for the LONGEST time, he had to trade vehicles if he wanted them to watch her while he had her or if she wanted to visit them while I had her.
The hardest part is having to adhere to societal standards regardless of what goes on in your life. Doesn't matter what happens, unless your kid is sick, you still have to go to school/work, keep the home tidy, keep the residents of the home clean, keep everyone fed and it doesn't matter how you feel anymore. For the firat 5 years your feelings are invalid. You need to hold down the fort. Doesn't matter if you're sick, tired, angry, overwhelmed or whatever, you still have to do everything.
Im an older parent - my husband and I adopted in our 40s after many years of failed fertility and then years working towards adoption. After facing all of that other stigma and unwelcome advice, I was already primed to give no shits about judgment thrown at parents. I'm sorry for anyone who feels it's not ok to acknowledge that something wonderful is also hard. That something yearned for can also be (at times a literal) shit show. Thank you for this content; it is a balm ❤
Thank you for admitting that- one of my gf eventually had to adopt after years of trying- She told me pretty much the same thing - As MUCH as they wanted it- it was so difficult for them…
This is so true! Sleep deprivation was the issue with my oldest but he was a dream toddler. Then my second slept like a champ and when he hit toddlerhood I couldn’t leave him alone for 10 seconds without him being in something he shouldn’t have been.
I needed this kind of prep before my 1st child. I went into it the 2nd time with zero expectations, just fully ready to go with the flow, figure out things as they come and take it one day at a time. It is hard, but it didn't ruin my world.
I am a new mom, and this video was probably the most helpful in explaining how having a baby really is like. Honestly, most of your stuff, thank you. All the prepping, vlogs, videos, and books - having a newborn hit me like a truck
This is literally the best advice!! Mom of five here and I completely agree! Every kid is different. Every season is different. But it’s always worth it! (Even when it doesn’t feel like it in the moments)
As someone whose struggling with infertility and going through IVF,This is always in the back of my head. My heart and soul is SOOOO READY to be a mom, and even though I've been begging and praying for our blessing to come, I know I'll be over the moon and tears of joy, but I'm also scared of it being so hard that I won't have the joy of being mom that I'm battling so hard to even have the opportunity to experience.
As someone who’s watched family and friends have babies for 10yrs whilst not having any of her own… THIS actually has been my biggest lesson. You don’t know until you’re in the middle of it. I’ve learned a good bit about the basics, and have also learned a lot about what to look for to know when I need help. Kids are unique and each stage is unique to its strengths and challenges (and it compounds once you have more than 1 too.) I hope one day I’ll be able to put this knowledge to good use ❤
As a married single mom, we had all the intentions in dad being more present and a bigger part of our kids' lives. That hasn't been how things worked out. And I HATE it when other parents get the "Well, you should have chosen a better partner then." like we know 100% how we will handle being a parent ourselves let alone our partner! Crap happens!
This is so true. My daughter was a great sleeper. Went to bed well and slept well. Was kind, smart, and teachable. But she had inward health difficulties. She looked healthy but had very bad asthma, eczema, and anaphylactic allergies. It was a lot of nights waking up every 3 hours to do one type of medicine AND every 4 hours for a different medicine breathing treatments. On top of spending on average 30 days of the year in the hospital. She was deathly allergic to milk and peanuts, and lesserly allergic to eggs, tree nuts, and pork. So I had to cook everything while made and read everything we bought. Couldn't keep milk in the house (is was a class 5 allergy, which means airborne also set her off.) It was lucky that I actually enjoyed cooking and I'm really good at it, so I was able to cater to those needs for her. Which someone like my sister who's not very good at cooking that would have been much more of a challenge, but her had trouble with sleeping/being colicky. And they have ADHD, that's a different challenge altogether that I didn't have. We really do all have different struggles, and each child is vastly different from the next. We all make it work though the best that we can. 😊
The hardest part for my parents was the fact one wanted kids while one didn’t, so one parent was stuck doing all the work for the kids since she wanted them, but then constantly complained cause the other parent didn’t change their mind and wasn’t helping any more than what he said he was gonna before they even tried to have kids.
it’s so true…. both me and my brother were perfect sleepers, almost never cried, were really easy entertained, weren’t picky eaters and had no health issues - basically perfect most convenient kids ever. but my mum went through hell to raise us💔
To be fair, in the beginning, for most people the vast majority of the hard parts revolve around sleep deprivation 😂 simply because newborns need to be fed every 2-4 hours. Some couples are lucky and have a set up and system that just works for them, and a baby who sleeps well and when it's convenient. My best friends kid was like that (literally almost a perfect baby, it was very misleading to young me 😂) but i think most babies probably aren't. I think when you're not getting proper sleep, it makes the emotional stuff so much worse. Everything feels escalated. I often think that i wouldn't have been sooo damn anxious and worried if i was actually getting longer than 30-45 minutes of sleep at a time. Who knows though. Parenthood is quite a wild ride.
Although I'm just 21 and planning to get married in 5-6 years, and I love children so much. You give me a perspective on what the background work is gonna be and it's both frightening and exciting at the same time ❤ Thank you I enjoy your content very much
“Parenting myself while parenting my children at the same time” has been the hardest for me. Learning more about them has made me so much more aware of myself, both the good and the bad. I’ve been scared, frustrated, overwhelmed, and ashamed. I worry that I’ll ruin my kids or give them the same issues my mother gave me. But I’ve learned to forgive myself when I make a mistake, and always try to do better. To apologize to my kids and be genuine with them. And to seek self-improvement so I can be my best for them (and for me, too).
I never wanted children, was more than happy to be an aunt to help out but never wanted my own. However I absolutely love your channel because you talk about the realities of parenthood which I feel isn’t talked about enough. My best friend had a child & she never knew any of this or other difficulties because it’s never talked about. So thank you 💕
A year ago, I was pretty set on not wanting to grow my own kid but, your videos are helping me work though my fear. I think I'm slowly coming around and your videos are helping. Thank you.
So true! And your "hard thing" changes from kid to kid. Our oldest has special needs, and while there were a lot of Hard Things over the years, the Hard Things parenting her were easier for us than for some of our other kids (we have 5 all together).
I started chemo about a month ago and this is exactly how I feel! You prepare as much as you can, but then it gets here and the hard part is actually that you didn’t know what the hard part would be and you maybe can’t even see it until you are deep into the difficulty and then have to figure your way out.
That's the most true thing about motherhood. I had a baby who slept well, but my struggle was breastfeeding. I was completely blindsided. I never thought I would struggle to make enough milk. One of the hardest days of my life was taking him to the pediatrician at a couple of weeks old and they say that he hasn't regained weight quickly enough and needs formula. Just typing it out makes me choke up. My baby starving because my body wouldn't do what all mammals should do made me feel like a complete failure.
The hard part for me is learning how to deal with my daughter’s temperament. She is a good kid, a bit of an old soul and a massive perfectionist. I’ve been working with her to understand everything takes practice and you don’t always get things the first time you try them; since she was a baby doing tummy time, she would get frustrated when learning new things and wouldn’t try things in front of my parents and I until she felt she could do it well. She’s 6 now and is getting better. Another thing that is hard for me to deal with isn’t really her fault, but the fault of adults who think they have a right to stomp on kids’ boundaries. I’ve fought with my mom when locking down a boundary that my daughter has made known (my mom can be obnoxious sometimes where she does some kind of annoying teasing that she insists is funny, and if you are offended, you can’t take a joke. 🙄) My daughter was born with a strong sense of self and with the adept skill of forming and maintaining boundaries to keep from being overwhelmed or excessively uncomfortable. I love that for her. Honestly, I am the opposite in that I’m only just learning how to create and enforce my own boundaries and I’m 35. I learn a lot from her in this regard. She doesn’t care that she’s just 6; she will tell a person her boundaries and why what they are doing is not okay with her. She doesn’t say anything wrong per se, but she is rather blunt like myself, so I’m working on teaching her how to prevent herself from coming across as rude. I also explain in an age-appropriate manner that some adults think strong-willed kids like herself are automatically rude just because they have boundaries at all, so be careful of those types and always tell me if someone tries to bother her about this. I may still be learning how to effectively enforce my own boundaries, but my mama bear side comes out when it’s about my daughter. 😂 I will rock your shxt if you mess with my daughter. Idgaf.
As with most everything, I love the way that you explained things in this video. It is the hardest thing that you will ever do. But it is also the most wonderful, amazing, miraculous (insert all synonyms here) thing at the same time. You will probably never work harder at any one thing than trying to be a good parent. And the reward? The sweet sweet reward is more than you could ever dream it would be and all worth it. ❤😊❤
The hardest thing was other people, not being listened to or believed, facing trying to operate in a world that doesn’t deal openly or honestly, folks that don’t examine their biases or want to be better and do better. Finding out community is really really conditional and having to forge our own.
Hardest thing(s)? KID 1: laundry! My anxiety would kick in every time I tried to fold her laundry and I couldn't shake the thought that she would just die and I'd be broken and just obssessively folding her laundry because it was all I had left of her. It got to where I couldn't fold her laundry anymore and her clothes went from her body to the washer to the dryer then back onto her body. It was really unexpected to have to deal with and all other parenting challenges fell to the level of "Well at least I'm not trying to fold her laundry rn." KID 2: My MIL constantly calling him "her" baby. Her never-ending interference when he was a baby. I still feel like I got cheated out of bonding with him a little. KID 3: has no fear! He's the only one I ever felt the need to put on a leash. He's super adventurous, quick as a cat, and STRONG! I'm in for it when he realizes he's become stronger than me (whenever that happens; he's 5 rn, so I still got some time). He's also entirely too cute and he knows it. He's T-R-O-U-B-L-E. The only common factor was that no matter what I did, someone was there to chime in about how I was doing it wrong.
Rn with a 2 month old, it's definitely the postpartum depression and the overload of responsibility I'm juggling. It makes it hard to simply exist, and as someone who has dealt with clinical depression for as long as I can remember..... it's gotten the worst it's ever been (and that's pretty major)
Yes I have a toddler who has never slept well and when I talk about his sleep issues people are horrified . But on most days I find his sleep, or lack of very manageable because before I had children all I ever heard from parents is that they were tired so I never expected to sleep well after he was born. Meanwhile the battles we’ve had to change his nappy and his clothes since birth and his fussy eating are things I find extremely challenging. And I don’t really hear people talking about these things anywhere near as much as sleep. So I think as well as every baby/ child being different it’s also about our tolerances and how we as parents cope with different factors.
The hardest part for me has been worrying about something happening to my child, that I can't prevent or I'm not there for physically to help. The second part has been their temperament, they have ADHD and ODD, just like me, but we're very different in a lot of how it is expressed.
Just a thought you should absolutely feel free to ignore (maybe treat it as a short memoir? Lol) - ODD is a really curious diagnosis to me. It seems like something an adult could likely find insulting and dismissive, and would reject, but children might just have to live with. I'd be so curious what YOU think about that, as an adult with a similar temperament to your child. I was certain, when I was a teenager and it became a diagnosis, that if it had come out sooner, I would have been given it as a child and it terrified me, the permission it would have given others to mistreat me. But I was an undiagnosed autistic kid with ADHD, with an undiagnosed autistic mother parenting on her own and who was, accidentally, very neglectful and abusive. From my perspective, I was a "difficult" child because I had to decide before 5 years old that almost no adults were trustworthy (almost no humans, really) and certainly none could be relied upon long term. So I would argue about most things and have a lot of questions and criticisms, as well as the occasional autistic meltdown/shutdown, which led to people telling me that I complained a lot (implying I shouldn't, rather than talking me through anything or asking after the big picture) and that I should be a lawyer or politician. I knew from media that both of those professions were supposed to do good but were largely occupied by selfish lying blowhards that most people hated. THAT didn't help, but nobody seemed to even consider what they were saying or that a child could deconstruct it - it was seen as me being sensitive, having ANY objections, to anything. Whereas in that situation, I was taking the implication that they found me loud, argumentative, selfish and a liar. Which, honestly, is pretty much what they meant. Consequently, because people would be unkind and straight up bully me (adults and children alike, though not everyone thank GOD, I wouldn't have survived), I developed a resistance to giving indiscriminate respect to others. I respected bodily autonomy and personal opinions and all the basics, but if an adult who treated me disrespectfully was in charge, I could be pretty stubborn about giving them anything in return. I already lived my life with people behaving however they wanted towards me with little to no consequences - I wasn't going to put up with it from any adult but my mother (survival mechanism, I truly could not take any more cognative dissonance - you're human, and an adult in charge of me, so I give you respect but I'm human, and you're in charge of me, and you treat me like garbage? It had to stop, somehow, or I was going to stop - deeply depressed child, unaliving thoughts from 11 years old, self harm through HS) I didn't get to a scenario that felt better until I finished high school (and that involved two years of burnout where I basically didn't attend, I was so sick). And then it literally evaporated as an issue. Sure, I get real frustrated with how the world is run and how many people can justify appalling beliefs and attitudes rather than learn and grow and do better. But now, because I'm an adult, my opinion about authority figures being untrustworthy or dangerous is given credence and no one dismisses me via a diagnosis and it turns out, I have an AMAZING radar for BS. Truly brilliant. I make mistakes, sure, but usually because people are presenting themselves extremely dishonestly with a manipulative end goal - I thought Elon Musk was a cool dude for a hot second after he first entered the media, a long time ago, because I thought he was trying to help others and I hadn't learned that most "inventors" are just rich bastards who buy other people's work to patent and/or sell under their name. I was being ignorant and middle class, and I learned better. Overwhelmingly, though, the people and pieces of media I have major objections to usually end up under a microscope after a few years and the general opinion shifts to line up roughly with mine. Sorry about the novel, I just felt the urge to share my experiences. Please feel free to disregard any and all of it - you know your child and your life, I don't know a thing about them. But I wanted to share some of my thoughts on the off chance a single bit of it lines up with your or your child's experiences (to be clear, not accusing you of abuse or neglect, that might be the major factor that defines my opinion here and therefore makes the whole this semi-irrelevant for you). I genuinely would have felt awful not saying something just in case it might help someone else, but it's not a hard sell to acknowledge this might all be for me and my crappy childhood experiences more than for you or your child. Disregard as relevant. And please take this as directed more about you than your kiddo - I don't know either of you but, in line with this whole comment, I'm more comfortable talking with reference to another adult's neurotype and temperament than a child's. They get treated with enough disrespect as it is (again, generalised comment, not aimed at you as a parent).
This is really helping understand and heal parts of childhood surrounding my mum. I feel torn between the damage my three siblings and I have gone through because of how my mum handled things (or didn't) in my childhood but at the same time they weren't exactly things that she could've known were to come. Thank you for the insight ❤
The hard part was my own health declining because i didn't know that i would need to get my gallbladder removed, have chronic heart burn, and my teeth became so brittle they break while eating a cereal bar. Nobody told me that i could be physically struggling this much while caring for a newborn.
Some days are easier than others! You go through phases of questioning yourself and if your doing the right thing are you loving enough, are you disciplining enough, are you caring enough etc and some days you feel like you rocked it and others you just can’t! You know love your babies but damn some days they get on your nerves, you want time alone but when you have time alone you miss them and spend your time thinking about them! 😊
Mine is trying to change all my trauma reactions I have when my kids get loud or physical (even playfully) with me. I grew up in abuse so when someone grabs me or yells or my nervous system gets jolted, I instantly go into fight mode and have to calm myself down before reacting so I don't hurt my children the wayy mother hurt me. As an adult, it's something I didn't realize about myself cause I had surrounded myself with well regulated adults who didn't get physical or yell at me.
I think one of the hardest things is as a female to thinking you have to do all by yourself. You have right to be tired, feeling down or have unwished feelings or feel overwhelmed. Is a huge responsability and as in different things is okay to ask for help or someone to talk to
This is right on the point! What’s hard for one may be easy for others! Each child is different and has different levels of needs! Just love and accept them for who they are and accept yourself in the journey! ❤
Yea like my hardest part is having to leave my son to go to work. I don't want to leave him I want him to be the only person around me at times and I always hated letting others hold him. My son is a calm baby and a good sleeper who loves food especially broccoli. Like his so calm that he's brought peace to my life. It's just so hard to leave him.
It can also change! I had a unicorn baby! She was sleeping through the night by 8 weeks old. I called the pediatrician one time worried because she has been asleep for over 3 hours during a second nap. She slept almost 4 hours that nap and STILL was asleep by 8 that night. It was wild! And then she turned about 3. The closer we got to three the more sleep issues we started to encounter. She went from a high sleep needs kid to a low sleep needs kid. And it felt like a flip was switched overnight. It was a lot to transition too and now we are at the natural consequences stage of fighting sleep. Time doesn’t stop and the days schedule will not be moved around because she kept herself up till super late. Nope that is a you issue my love. Gotta get that sleep so we can have energy for tomorrow’s activities. She’ll figure it out.
And it can also be the hardest part of ANYTHING YOU DON'T HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH❤❤❤❤ you risk braving unknown unknowns going into ANY new thing. I love your videos so much, thank you. I am avoiding motherhood for these very considerations, especially since I have ulcerative colitis and a severe TBI. THANK YOU for the realism, thank you for not blindly praising motherhood like we see so often in popular culture and giving a well rounded perspective❤❤❤
So true, you can’t be prepared for motherhood really, cause you just don’t know how you will react to things and how your baby will be. My daughter is amazing but she’s a terrible night sleeper, we had better days and weeks but overall it’s been hard most of the time. And I never knew just how angry and frustrated, out of patience and desperate I’ll feel. I was not prepared to feel the way I do sometimes, that I’ll feel like I hate being a parent sometimes. I feel like I aged several years in this 10 months. I really wanted my baby, we tried for years, and still there were moments when I regretted having her and wanted everything to go back to the way it was. Sleep deprivation is pure torture. Before I had her I heard from people about the special love I’ll feel, the new meaning, etc, but honestly, while I do love her so so much, that love does NOT make it any easier for me, and being a parent did not fill my life with any special meaning, just with a lot of hard work.
It's really different for every mother. Surprisingly motherhood weren't the hard part, that abusive ex was. I was on survival mode all the time in fear so I didn't have the time of even thinking how hard caring for a child.
I love the very first part of this video where she talks about not being able to “complain” about hard things because she chose to have kids. I don’t have kids and probably never will but there are so many choices I’ve made that I’ve gotten this from, like getting a dog, leaving my childhood religion, transitioning, not getting a job during my college semesters so I can focus on school, working in food service during my breaks. Not to say that all or even any of those decisions are as monumental as parenthood, but it’s a frustrating reality that people will use any agency you have in a situation to invalidate your struggles
The partners level of involvement thing usually you have a discussion with your partner before you have a kid and you can tell if they’re lying by how they act. It’s an only very rare occasions where one moment they’re like. Yay let’s have a kid in the next moment they’re like I’m barely gonna be in this kid life.
The good news is that you almost never know what the hard part of anything is until you're stuck in the middle of it! You have a lifetime of experience doing that!
Funny thing , cuz i work with dementia patients as well as work shifts that sometimes had less then 4 hours in between i knew what will be hard for me, i just didn't know HOW hard it is gonna be, cuz your baby ain't leaving, you ain't going home to rest from an 8 hours, somethimes 16 hours shift with your toddler. Sleep deprevation and repeated high pitched noises or non stop screams or repeated "mom" calling are what was hardest for me 😅
Oh gosh. I remember me “complaining” about how difficult it was to be a single mother, out of circumstances out of my control, and there was someone who said “you should’ve just kept your legs closed.” I could not say anything to him. I had been married for 7 years to the father of my first child. As my second child, whom was a new born, I had been engaged to the father. But me “complaining” warrants him to tell me to shut up and should have kept them closed thus it was my fault.
Feeling alone... a shift in temperament for BOTH my kids... Cluster feeding... my daughter not sleeping, and still often having full meltdowns at bed time even though she's almost 5... Not feeling like I actually know my kids cause their dads idea of parenting is excluding me... I've kind of become detached from parenting and that itself is hard...
I think my mom and dad will help me a lot. My brother will be a wonderful uncle. I don't have a husband and no baby yet, but I love my family and my family loves me ❤️
Hardest part for me? I'm an introvert who has two tiny humans that need me to engage with them. A lot. At a higher level than they used to. And I want to, I do! I just also want a week where no one so much as glances at me 😅
For my children youre dead on, both slept through the night by 6 weeks but they both had health problems. My eldest was born prematurely and had health problems which included jaundice, an inability to maintain her own body temperature and needing to be fed through a tube for many weeks. My son was also quite sick as a child too although i carried him to term and delivered naturally, he was born with a hernia and a hole in his heart. Both my childrens health problems were remedied eventually but it was tough and istruggled to handle it all emotionally.
The hard part for my parents was teenagehood. Because while not all children are the same, you can parent them relatively universally. Teenagers are forming their own identity and agency and sense of self and they themselves don’t know what they want. As a Teenager i constantly felt like i wanted a hug from my mom but i also didn’t want one. I had massive mental health issues my parents didn’t understand because i was such an independent, easy kid
This. I think I completely failed with teenagers
That's exactly what my mom and I went through (she was a single mom and my primary parent).
She was also raised in a small town, personal insecurities, some & naivete with mental health. So it was a pretty new issue she had troubles navigating initially.
I think the things that really helped us were both her and I learning about mental health things individually then sharing them. We both did a lot of individual therapy along with creating environments we could talk more honestly without becoming defensive.
I remember her reading a lot of different books and researching different treatments I was comfortable with trying. It got better and worse; I asked & got a week psych ward visit, eventually got the right meds for the most part, started standing up for myself, and I think the main thing was just graduating highschool after all that mental health help& learning. Which is bittersweet cuz it isn't something most students wanna hear but it also means it isn't a forever thing. It's equal parts medical help, personal growth daily, and the right environment. After graduating I was able to practice a lot of these skills I had acquired and really flourished. Still had some scary setbacks here and there but I've never been better mentally and relationship-wise with my mom!
She still questions/doubts how well she did during those times but I think she handled it as perfectly as she could. We can all always do better but for what it's worth; if anyone's a doubtful parent just know that showing up, learning differently, actively doing better, and just being patient & forgiving with your teen is one of the best things any parent can do.
So agree with this! I had some early childhood trauma that was unknown to my parents... It really didn't show up as any huge behavioral issue till I was 12. My teenage years were an absolute nightmare for my parents. My parents were good parents, maybe even great parents. They really didn't know how to help me though, the important thing is is that they tried and kept trying and I always knew they loved me even when they messed up and did the wrong thing. I think the hardest part for them was knowing I was suffering so much and not being able to fix it. Also when I was dealing with addiction, I think they were just straight terrified for me, that I was going to die. Another huge thing was that I don't think that they liked me at all when I was a teenager. Frankly I was obstinate and miserable to my parents during this time, so I don't blame them. They never stopped loving me though, even when they didn't like me.
See, I do horribly with kids under 10-11. I want them to shut up, sit down, stop screaming, stop being so slow, shut up, stop fighting, did I mention shut up?
I know they are just being kids, but I'm done with them in 5 seconds.
Pre teens and teens, they can talk like an intelligent life form, those independence "struggles" lead to conversation and observable change. You can watch real movies, talk about the real world, take them anywhere in the world, explain things to them without it devolving into round 2975330000 of screaming that hour, and they take care of themselves half the time
I will never have kids because there's no way I wouldn't mess them up those first ten years, they are just so aweful. But I have a long track record of working well with teens
And they think they know everything and have little sense of danger but you're supposed to be encouraging independence so you just sort of have to hope you're going to get a complete child back every time
You also have to remember that each child is an individual from day 1. My first son started sleeping through the night at 10 weeks old never had cholic no teething issues ( was basically perfect as a baby) my second was difficult right out of the box...choices for 6 months didn't sleep for 2 years temper tantrums out the wazoo but was a very easy teenager while his older brother was pushing boundaries at every moment...so the hardest part of motherhood is basically having to have completely different parenting skills with each and every child😮
I had the same experience with my boys! First one was an easy baby and stubborn toddler, second was a fussy baby and an easy going toddler! It all keeps changing as they get older, but it truly is completely different ways of guiding each child.
Agreed 100%! I would only make a small change to add that every child is different starting with day 1 of pregnancy. My first pregnancy was a fever dream it was so amazing start to finish. The second one I had gestational diabetes, UTI’s, lovely lovely spider/varicose veins and I averaged about 20 dead runs to the toilet to vomit every single day of my pregnancy until the morning we checked in to the hospital for my scheduled C-section. He’s one of the loves of my life and worth every single second of agony and then some. But WOW could not have had two more different pregnancies! 😮😂❤😊
Edit: spelling & clarification
Agreed. My son at five days home came home from the hospital and then at six days old went back. We found out he had the cold sore virus. Official diagnosis was HSV1 encephalitis. He is fortunate to be alive. He was in the hospital till he was 6 weeks old and we were told he might not be able to walk, talk, see, hear etc… that he might have seizures. First 9 months was spent giving him one medication 3 times a day and 2 others twice a day. He had multiple monthly appointments 40 min away till he was 18 months old and therapy 3 times a week from 6-18mo. He slept through the night after all that with a few sleepless nights. Would fall asleep on the car seat and is very social. He is special needs but has perfect eye sight, hearing and can talk and communicate.
My daughter is neurotypical and her first year was uneventful compared to her brother. It felt so odd to have a baby with no medical issues. Her thing was, she had to be sitting up in your arms from the beginning. She wanted to see the world and always had amazing head control. Hated the car seat and still does. She is very strong willed, was sitting on her own at 5mo and walking by 10 months. She didn’t ever want to be alone though. Had to be connected to someone (mostly me) or she would scream. Even today she is like that… she loves to cuddle.
My two kids couldn’t be anymore different.
Gotcha ! Have only one 😂
Play uu
I appreciate that someone is out here telling the truth about motherhood. I want kids one day but I don’t want to be delusional, I already don’t handle change very well. I need to hear this stuff!
Yeah but then you also have to understand that there are people that do not have this experience with raising their kids. Personally I feel like this particular Creator obsesses over every little thing and turns it into a mountain of difficulties she has to overcome. Which in turn is making it harder for herself. I had my first kid at 15 and yes having kids at any age is difficult and stressful and strenuous, but I don't think it's anywhere close to what she continuously describes in her videos. And I've had three kids in total raising the first one on my own for 3 years. So this in my opinion is one aspect and experience that should be taken into consideration but it shouldn't be taken as a normal or standard experience. I also personally believe that people who live in worlds like this and not just with parenting are actually self-absorbed and attention seekers bordering on some form of narcissism, they are just smart enough to be able to market it and not give away that it's a form narcissism, because they know that it's not acceptable or well received by people.
And I think the fact that she films every single video as though she just got done having an emotional breakdown speaks to that
@@k_t530that's such a horribly dismissive take. "I had an easier experience, so my experience must be the norm and anyone who says otherwise is just creating their own problems". Be glad that your experience was different, but don't invalidate the experiences of others. So many mothers (including me) have had really challenging experiences and find her content extremely relatable, and honestly so comforting to know we're not alone. We DO need to normalise talking about how hard it is, because it IS hard for many of us and a big part of that is the sense of loneliness and isolation.
@@natk1105 yeah I can't help it if that's how you took it and I stand by what I said
@@k_t530 I don’t think the point of her videos is to say anything is “the standard” or something that everyone goes through. I think she’s helping women adjust their expectations so they won’t feel like failures if and when they encounter struggles they didn’t anticipate. I would rather go into motherhood prepared for the worst and then be pleasantly surprised when it’s easier.
The "hardest part" changes over time. Early on it was the sleep deprivation plus hormones. Later it was potty training. Now it's getting my youngest ready for full day Kindergarten after they had such difficulty at full day preschool while helping my stubborn/shy oldest navigate their feelings but still giving them their desired (age-appropriate) space.
Wait till teenage years. Its all fun 😅
@@LouiseMacleayNo. These are exactly the kind of invalidating and fearmongering comments that are not welcome in 2024. Julie shared her personal experience, which you then laughed at and said that’s nothing compared to your experience. Do better.
@@sayhello5377no, you missed the point. Louise was saying that teenagers are hard *too*, “it’s all fun” meaning there’s something at each stage that makes it hard. She didn’t invalidate or laugh at anyone. Stop looking for fights.
@@LouiseMacleay We're getting close. We're getting a mini preview, and we're attempting to lay groundwork to make it a little better.
Truth!! I had no idea how hard pregnancy was going to be for me. I had all these expectations for how difficult motherhood and postpartum would be without realizing that the difficulty started at pregnancy.
Girl, same!! I'm awful at being pregnant. I'd literally prefer to give actual birth everyday for 9 months than be pregnant for a single week. I also wasn't prepared at all for postpartum depression. Talk about some dark times😳
And, ironically, it was the exact same opposite with me!! I was expecting pregnancy to be hard and it wasn't as hard as I thought. Postpartum hit my like a truck. I felt like I was in postpartum for MONTHS lol very accurate video!
Yeah I didn’t think pregnancy would be as hard as it was. I would love to have another baby but volunteering to be constipated and sick and uncomfortable every day for almost a year followed by a major abdominal surgery is not super motivating
It was so painful and scary. Zero stars. Some people have awesome pregnancies, that just wasn't ment to be for me.
@@abbybrown638right? I was pregnant four times, all pregnancy's were pretty smooth sailing no major issues except some sickness the first two months. But talk about birth, just no. I was not afraid about pain, I know I can handle a lot, but every birth for me was kind of traumatising and extremely overwhelming. Still birth, 37h active labor, 28h active labor, and the last one was kind of a "normal" birth with only 15h. It was finally the birth where I had the say over what happend to me, I was in a different hospital with amazing staff, I was able to have a water birth and expect for some sickness and a pda it went very well and I had finally the feeling of being able to reclaim this experience when all three pervious births were pretty hard on me and I had no control and/or say over what happend to me.
Postpartum was rough. The worst with my still birth, having to go through all of the healing while mourning a loss was so hard.
Just as she said, for every mom different things are hard. But when our son was finally here it felt like heaven came true for me. Nursing felt natural and while my body went through all the painful horrible things we got to know each other and grew together as a family. Taking care of Baby's always felt easy/natural to me. Not like my life has been put upside down, but like a change that came naturally. For me it started to get difficult when they turned around 4. Right now my kids are 7, 5 & 3 and I could not be happier. Although I wasn't all the time, I struggled on and off with postpartum depression, went to therapy.
What I'm trying to say is motherhood is like a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs, it's a wild ride but all in all you wouldn't trade this crazy life or your kids for anything in the world ❤
As a new mom it's amazing to see you talk about this! It's so hard to talk about what's hard!
I had to explain to my best friend that part of why I'm so stressed and tired is because I can't turn off my mom brain
I'm forced to be plugged in 24/7 due to my daughter's type 1 diabetes. I haven't had the ability to fully disconnect from motherhood in like 4 years lol.
PLEASE MORE OF THESE!! We’re just starting to try to conceive and these types of videos are so insanely helpful and eye-opening. This is amazing. Thank you
I'll be praying for you! Having a child was the best thing! I hope to get married again and have more kids. My son, he's 14, he doesn't like that idea. His father passed away and he just wants it to be us. Lol but she is right on point on this. Just make sure you and your partner talk about everything now! Work out how you want to raise your kid. Even for when they get into elementary, middle school, and high school. Sounds like a long time away, but it happens fast. You don't want a baby here and then BAM! One of you decides you want to go to church, homeschool, or maybe you cuss in the house and decide that's a no no. Maybe you want to keep certain music away and you want wait to give your child screen time. Talk about whether or not you will wait for juice and sweets. Last thing you want is to be excited that your child is finally taking a sippy and you come home and your partner has put juice in the cup! Remember too, babies can't have water! Also, talk about who you think you will be ok with babysitting and if you think you will be ok sleepovers or not. Think about whether or not you will be letting your baby sleep in your room or not or even in your bed. I've seen partners struggle with that big time! Because maybe you want your baby close but it wakes up your working husband. My sister and husband slept in different rooms for a few years. My son slept in my room until he was like 9. For real!
@@Blf23 I’m six months pregnant with my first, and that is such a great list of discussion topics! Thank you!!! Hubby and I have talked about a bunch of those but not all. Now I know what to bring up next!
Sending you the best energy 🙏🏻 we are going to start trying in the fall
I’m currently reading “what all parents need to know” and “how not to hate your husband after kids”
Despite the intentionally rage inducing titles, they’re both well written and quite well researched. Wish I had have read those before having my first and my marriage falling apart :’(
There’s hope though! Hope they help you out ☺️
Adding to the first comment: talk about how you want to handle baby’s firsts. Do you want to keep it from each other until you each see it individually/together so as not to have the other feel like they’re missing out? For example: my partner expressed not liking missing out on everything and not wanting to know she was doing something new until he saw it then he wanted me to be just as excited as he was. I failed that and need to get better at being excited with him for her new things that aren’t new to me. I also asked not to be told if she does something new in front of him, so it is a bit hard to balance although I’m home 24/7 with baby so I see the firsts most of the time.
Another thing to discuss: do you want your partner to stay with baby 100% of the time in the hospital? As in when being moved from delivery to recover, is your partner to stay with baby? How do you want to handle delivery? Are you okay with your partner napping? What is your partners role in delivery? I told my partner his job was to make sure my nurses knew my wants because they had been discussed prior, even when they changed he relayed it to my nurses for me,
Look into daycare costs and figure out if it’s better for one of you to stay home instead of paying for child care if that hasn’t already been decided.
Talk postpartum, what is your partners role then? Do you need your partner to focus on helping you with the baby or cleaning the house so you aren’t stressed over that? If you’re breastfeeding, do you want your partner to be in charge of grabbing you drinks and snacks because you may not be able to move while nursing your baby. Do you intend to split night wakings if you’re using a bottle?
Make sure you’re on the same page about your expectations for the hospital and after with visitors. Do you want people coming the day you deliver or do you want that time for yourself? Do you want people at the hospital at all (or your home if you have a home birth) within the first couple of days? Who can hold the baby? Who can’t hold the baby? When will your partner be watching the baby so you can have time for yourself? Because you will need time to yourself even if you feel like no one can take care of your child as well as you can, including your partner, because I felt that with my first and I sent myself into a bad mental space by not asking for help. Read up on signs of postpartum anxiety, depression, and even anger with your partner and do not be afraid to get help and ask for it and even demand it if need be. You HAVE to be in a good headspace to take care of your child properly, if your mental health is suffering, you can’t parent how your child needs you. On that same note, when will your partner get time alone? And, when will you two get time together “alone”? Will it happen during naps? Or when baby is down at night? Will you entrust someone to watch baby for a little if baby is on a bottle? What do each of you need individually to be happy, what do each of you see as quality time together? The first year after a baby is the hardest on a relationship supposedly.
For postpartum, padsicles: witch hazel and aloe Vera mixed and put on a panty liner or pad then put in the freezer. Bactin, or another disinfecting/pain relieving spray, it helps for a vaginal delivery, I felt very little pain or itchiness and both my friends that I gifted it too used it after their two pregnancies and say it helped a lot. Adult diapers are much more comfortable than giant pads and less likely to leak.
Pre make good and freeze it. Gather gift cards for eating out or even ask for them as baby shower gifts. Get some snacks and drinks you like that you can grab and go with, even consider keeping some in different rooms you frequent and may have baby in, I kept cliff bars in my room and in the office where the bassinet was since we didn’t do a nursery and just kept baby with us.
Discuss how you will handle a situation later if you disagree with each other on how to handle something. Like, if your child does something and gets in trouble and you have different ideas on what the discipline should be, will it be who speaks first and the other agrees and backs it and you talk later? Will you have a code word to alert your partner that you’d like to discuss the action to take before telling your child?
What information do you want shared online about baby? Nothing? Name, birthday/time and no pictures? Who can pictures be shared with? Just family? Family and friends? What happens if family goes against your wishes about posting? Who can post about baby?
Express all of your opinions and wishes on whatever topic you can think of to your partner because you can’t read each others minds and you may think the answer is obvious and universal and it just might not be. For example: obvious to me, not my partner: baby can’t ride in a car seat in the front seat of the car. His parents only have a truck with a bunch seat, under no circumstances was our kid allowed to ride in their vehicle for the LONGEST time, he had to trade vehicles if he wanted them to watch her while he had her or if she wanted to visit them while I had her.
The hardest part is having to adhere to societal standards regardless of what goes on in your life.
Doesn't matter what happens, unless your kid is sick, you still have to go to school/work, keep the home tidy, keep the residents of the home clean, keep everyone fed and it doesn't matter how you feel anymore.
For the firat 5 years your feelings are invalid. You need to hold down the fort. Doesn't matter if you're sick, tired, angry, overwhelmed or whatever, you still have to do everything.
Yes! I'd have to agree that's the hardest part for me. I'm glad you pointed this out. I rarely hear people talk about this.
@Ark-ys2up 100% yes! Self compassion and letting go of perfectionism. I can't be my best self as a mom when I'm spread too thin
Im an older parent - my husband and I adopted in our 40s after many years of failed fertility and then years working towards adoption. After facing all of that other stigma and unwelcome advice, I was already primed to give no shits about judgment thrown at parents. I'm sorry for anyone who feels it's not ok to acknowledge that something wonderful is also hard. That something yearned for can also be (at times a literal) shit show.
Thank you for this content; it is a balm ❤
Thank you for admitting that- one of my gf eventually had to adopt after years of trying- She told me pretty much the same thing - As MUCH as they wanted it- it was so difficult for them…
WILDLY ACCURATE. The most accurate video about motherhood being hard I’ve ever seen.
As a parent sometimes you'll be worried angry and confused all at the same time about the person you could not live without. That's. Effing. Hard.
As a grandma I love how you put love of babies and the hard work of babies together so well into words👍🏻☺️
This is so true! Sleep deprivation was the issue with my oldest but he was a dream toddler. Then my second slept like a champ and when he hit toddlerhood I couldn’t leave him alone for 10 seconds without him being in something he shouldn’t have been.
I appreciate people like you being honest about things so i didn't have to find out the hard way, i dont want kids. You're a blessing
I needed this kind of prep before my 1st child. I went into it the 2nd time with zero expectations, just fully ready to go with the flow, figure out things as they come and take it one day at a time. It is hard, but it didn't ruin my world.
I am a new mom, and this video was probably the most helpful in explaining how having a baby really is like. Honestly, most of your stuff, thank you. All the prepping, vlogs, videos, and books - having a newborn hit me like a truck
Hammer, meet Nail
This perfectly summed up what I have been feeling about having children in under a minute. Thank you ❤
This is the most accurate answer to this question. Also, each kid is different and so it's like this whether or not you already have kids.
This is literally the best advice!! Mom of five here and I completely agree! Every kid is different. Every season is different. But it’s always worth it! (Even when it doesn’t feel like it in the moments)
that's very well explained
Perfectly explained.
As someone whose struggling with infertility and going through IVF,This is always in the back of my head. My heart and soul is SOOOO READY to be a mom, and even though I've been begging and praying for our blessing to come, I know I'll be over the moon and tears of joy, but I'm also scared of it being so hard that I won't have the joy of being mom that I'm battling so hard to even have the opportunity to experience.
As someone who’s watched family and friends have babies for 10yrs whilst not having any of her own… THIS actually has been my biggest lesson. You don’t know until you’re in the middle of it. I’ve learned a good bit about the basics, and have also learned a lot about what to look for to know when I need help. Kids are unique and each stage is unique to its strengths and challenges (and it compounds once you have more than 1 too.) I hope one day I’ll be able to put this knowledge to good use ❤
As a married single mom, we had all the intentions in dad being more present and a bigger part of our kids' lives. That hasn't been how things worked out. And I HATE it when other parents get the "Well, you should have chosen a better partner then." like we know 100% how we will handle being a parent ourselves let alone our partner! Crap happens!
That is so true!! You only know when you are in it and not a moment sooner.
This is so true. My daughter was a great sleeper. Went to bed well and slept well. Was kind, smart, and teachable.
But she had inward health difficulties. She looked healthy but had very bad asthma, eczema, and anaphylactic allergies. It was a lot of nights waking up every 3 hours to do one type of medicine AND every 4 hours for a different medicine breathing treatments. On top of spending on average 30 days of the year in the hospital.
She was deathly allergic to milk and peanuts, and lesserly allergic to eggs, tree nuts, and pork. So I had to cook everything while made and read everything we bought. Couldn't keep milk in the house (is was a class 5 allergy, which means airborne also set her off.)
It was lucky that I actually enjoyed cooking and I'm really good at it, so I was able to cater to those needs for her.
Which someone like my sister who's not very good at cooking that would have been much more of a challenge, but her had trouble with sleeping/being colicky. And they have ADHD, that's a different challenge altogether that I didn't have.
We really do all have different struggles, and each child is vastly different from the next. We all make it work though the best that we can. 😊
This is so true!
The hardest part for my parents was the fact one wanted kids while one didn’t, so one parent was stuck doing all the work for the kids since she wanted them, but then constantly complained cause the other parent didn’t change their mind and wasn’t helping any more than what he said he was gonna before they even tried to have kids.
Thank you for these videos, it puts everything my heart feels about motherhood into words.
Kids deserve perfect parents.
I love how you explain everything!
it’s so true…. both me and my brother were perfect sleepers, almost never cried, were really easy entertained, weren’t picky eaters and had no health issues - basically perfect most convenient kids ever. but my mum went through hell to raise us💔
To be fair, in the beginning, for most people the vast majority of the hard parts revolve around sleep deprivation 😂 simply because newborns need to be fed every 2-4 hours. Some couples are lucky and have a set up and system that just works for them, and a baby who sleeps well and when it's convenient. My best friends kid was like that (literally almost a perfect baby, it was very misleading to young me 😂) but i think most babies probably aren't. I think when you're not getting proper sleep, it makes the emotional stuff so much worse. Everything feels escalated. I often think that i wouldn't have been sooo damn anxious and worried if i was actually getting longer than 30-45 minutes of sleep at a time. Who knows though. Parenthood is quite a wild ride.
Although I'm just 21 and planning to get married in 5-6 years, and I love children so much. You give me a perspective on what the background work is gonna be and it's both frightening and exciting at the same time ❤ Thank you I enjoy your content very much
So well put!
Trying to get pregnant right now and I think your videos are very helpful in setting more realistic expectations for myself :)
“Parenting myself while parenting my children at the same time” has been the hardest for me. Learning more about them has made me so much more aware of myself, both the good and the bad. I’ve been scared, frustrated, overwhelmed, and ashamed. I worry that I’ll ruin my kids or give them the same issues my mother gave me. But I’ve learned to forgive myself when I make a mistake, and always try to do better. To apologize to my kids and be genuine with them. And to seek self-improvement so I can be my best for them (and for me, too).
I never wanted children, was more than happy to be an aunt to help out but never wanted my own.
However I absolutely love your channel because you talk about the realities of parenthood which I feel isn’t talked about enough.
My best friend had a child & she never knew any of this or other difficulties because it’s never talked about. So thank you 💕
Thank you for helping educate! You’re not scared to say the things that are scary to say. It’s a blessing & so helpful!
A year ago, I was pretty set on not wanting to grow my own kid but, your videos are helping me work though my fear. I think I'm slowly coming around and your videos are helping. Thank you.
Perfectly answered and so truthful. ❤
So true! And your "hard thing" changes from kid to kid. Our oldest has special needs, and while there were a lot of Hard Things over the years, the Hard Things parenting her were easier for us than for some of our other kids (we have 5 all together).
this is the most accurate thing i've seen and smt i've never rly considered
The hardest part of motherhood is motherhood! 😂😭
I started chemo about a month ago and this is exactly how I feel! You prepare as much as you can, but then it gets here and the hard part is actually that you didn’t know what the hard part would be and you maybe can’t even see it until you are deep into the difficulty and then have to figure your way out.
That's the most true thing about motherhood. I had a baby who slept well, but my struggle was breastfeeding. I was completely blindsided. I never thought I would struggle to make enough milk. One of the hardest days of my life was taking him to the pediatrician at a couple of weeks old and they say that he hasn't regained weight quickly enough and needs formula. Just typing it out makes me choke up. My baby starving because my body wouldn't do what all mammals should do made me feel like a complete failure.
The hardest part is realizing no matter how much you prepare. It’s still going to be hard.
The hard part for me is learning how to deal with my daughter’s temperament. She is a good kid, a bit of an old soul and a massive perfectionist. I’ve been working with her to understand everything takes practice and you don’t always get things the first time you try them; since she was a baby doing tummy time, she would get frustrated when learning new things and wouldn’t try things in front of my parents and I until she felt she could do it well. She’s 6 now and is getting better.
Another thing that is hard for me to deal with isn’t really her fault, but the fault of adults who think they have a right to stomp on kids’ boundaries. I’ve fought with my mom when locking down a boundary that my daughter has made known (my mom can be obnoxious sometimes where she does some kind of annoying teasing that she insists is funny, and if you are offended, you can’t take a joke. 🙄)
My daughter was born with a strong sense of self and with the adept skill of forming and maintaining boundaries to keep from being overwhelmed or excessively uncomfortable.
I love that for her. Honestly, I am the opposite in that I’m only just learning how to create and enforce my own boundaries and I’m 35. I learn a lot from her in this regard. She doesn’t care that she’s just 6; she will tell a person her boundaries and why what they are doing is not okay with her.
She doesn’t say anything wrong per se, but she is rather blunt like myself, so I’m working on teaching her how to prevent herself from coming across as rude. I also explain in an age-appropriate manner that some adults think strong-willed kids like herself are automatically rude just because they have boundaries at all, so be careful of those types and always tell me if someone tries to bother her about this.
I may still be learning how to effectively enforce my own boundaries, but my mama bear side comes out when it’s about my daughter. 😂 I will rock your shxt if you mess with my daughter. Idgaf.
I cry at almost all your videos. I don't know why but I really like them.
You are the realest, most relatable content here❤❤
As with most everything, I love the way that you explained things in this video. It is the hardest thing that you will ever do. But it is also the most wonderful, amazing, miraculous (insert all synonyms here) thing at the same time. You will probably never work harder at any one thing than trying to be a good parent. And the reward? The sweet sweet reward is more than you could ever dream it would be and all worth it. ❤😊❤
This is very DEEP 😢 And so accurate!
The hardest thing was other people, not being listened to or believed, facing trying to operate in a world that doesn’t deal openly or honestly, folks that don’t examine their biases or want to be better and do better. Finding out community is really really conditional and having to forge our own.
To be fair, you are definitely capable! Sometimes you need that reminder to get through the hard parts ❤
The realest thing I have ever heard. 😅 💯
Most accurate video u have ever made. Sooooo relatable. I had to learn this the hard way
Hardest thing(s)?
KID 1: laundry! My anxiety would kick in every time I tried to fold her laundry and I couldn't shake the thought that she would just die and I'd be broken and just obssessively folding her laundry because it was all I had left of her. It got to where I couldn't fold her laundry anymore and her clothes went from her body to the washer to the dryer then back onto her body. It was really unexpected to have to deal with and all other parenting challenges fell to the level of "Well at least I'm not trying to fold her laundry rn."
KID 2: My MIL constantly calling him "her" baby. Her never-ending interference when he was a baby. I still feel like I got cheated out of bonding with him a little.
KID 3: has no fear! He's the only one I ever felt the need to put on a leash. He's super adventurous, quick as a cat, and STRONG! I'm in for it when he realizes he's become stronger than me (whenever that happens; he's 5 rn, so I still got some time). He's also entirely too cute and he knows it. He's T-R-O-U-B-L-E.
The only common factor was that no matter what I did, someone was there to chime in about how I was doing it wrong.
What a brilliant answer! This is so true❤
Rn with a 2 month old, it's definitely the postpartum depression and the overload of responsibility I'm juggling. It makes it hard to simply exist, and as someone who has dealt with clinical depression for as long as I can remember..... it's gotten the worst it's ever been (and that's pretty major)
Yes I have a toddler who has never slept well and when I talk about his sleep issues people are horrified . But on most days I find his sleep, or lack of very manageable because before I had children all I ever heard from parents is that they were tired so I never expected to sleep well after he was born.
Meanwhile the battles we’ve had to change his nappy and his clothes since birth and his fussy eating are things I find extremely challenging. And I don’t really hear people talking about these things anywhere near as much as sleep.
So I think as well as every baby/ child being different it’s also about our tolerances and how we as parents cope with different factors.
Thank you so much for this. You are amazing ❤️
The hardest part for me has been worrying about something happening to my child, that I can't prevent or I'm not there for physically to help.
The second part has been their temperament, they have ADHD and ODD, just like me, but we're very different in a lot of how it is expressed.
Just a thought you should absolutely feel free to ignore (maybe treat it as a short memoir? Lol) - ODD is a really curious diagnosis to me. It seems like something an adult could likely find insulting and dismissive, and would reject, but children might just have to live with. I'd be so curious what YOU think about that, as an adult with a similar temperament to your child. I was certain, when I was a teenager and it became a diagnosis, that if it had come out sooner, I would have been given it as a child and it terrified me, the permission it would have given others to mistreat me. But I was an undiagnosed autistic kid with ADHD, with an undiagnosed autistic mother parenting on her own and who was, accidentally, very neglectful and abusive. From my perspective, I was a "difficult" child because I had to decide before 5 years old that almost no adults were trustworthy (almost no humans, really) and certainly none could be relied upon long term.
So I would argue about most things and have a lot of questions and criticisms, as well as the occasional autistic meltdown/shutdown, which led to people telling me that I complained a lot (implying I shouldn't, rather than talking me through anything or asking after the big picture) and that I should be a lawyer or politician. I knew from media that both of those professions were supposed to do good but were largely occupied by selfish lying blowhards that most people hated. THAT didn't help, but nobody seemed to even consider what they were saying or that a child could deconstruct it - it was seen as me being sensitive, having ANY objections, to anything. Whereas in that situation, I was taking the implication that they found me loud, argumentative, selfish and a liar. Which, honestly, is pretty much what they meant.
Consequently, because people would be unkind and straight up bully me (adults and children alike, though not everyone thank GOD, I wouldn't have survived), I developed a resistance to giving indiscriminate respect to others. I respected bodily autonomy and personal opinions and all the basics, but if an adult who treated me disrespectfully was in charge, I could be pretty stubborn about giving them anything in return. I already lived my life with people behaving however they wanted towards me with little to no consequences - I wasn't going to put up with it from any adult but my mother (survival mechanism, I truly could not take any more cognative dissonance - you're human, and an adult in charge of me, so I give you respect but I'm human, and you're in charge of me, and you treat me like garbage? It had to stop, somehow, or I was going to stop - deeply depressed child, unaliving thoughts from 11 years old, self harm through HS)
I didn't get to a scenario that felt better until I finished high school (and that involved two years of burnout where I basically didn't attend, I was so sick). And then it literally evaporated as an issue. Sure, I get real frustrated with how the world is run and how many people can justify appalling beliefs and attitudes rather than learn and grow and do better. But now, because I'm an adult, my opinion about authority figures being untrustworthy or dangerous is given credence and no one dismisses me via a diagnosis and it turns out, I have an AMAZING radar for BS. Truly brilliant. I make mistakes, sure, but usually because people are presenting themselves extremely dishonestly with a manipulative end goal - I thought Elon Musk was a cool dude for a hot second after he first entered the media, a long time ago, because I thought he was trying to help others and I hadn't learned that most "inventors" are just rich bastards who buy other people's work to patent and/or sell under their name. I was being ignorant and middle class, and I learned better. Overwhelmingly, though, the people and pieces of media I have major objections to usually end up under a microscope after a few years and the general opinion shifts to line up roughly with mine.
Sorry about the novel, I just felt the urge to share my experiences. Please feel free to disregard any and all of it - you know your child and your life, I don't know a thing about them. But I wanted to share some of my thoughts on the off chance a single bit of it lines up with your or your child's experiences (to be clear, not accusing you of abuse or neglect, that might be the major factor that defines my opinion here and therefore makes the whole this semi-irrelevant for you). I genuinely would have felt awful not saying something just in case it might help someone else, but it's not a hard sell to acknowledge this might all be for me and my crappy childhood experiences more than for you or your child. Disregard as relevant. And please take this as directed more about you than your kiddo - I don't know either of you but, in line with this whole comment, I'm more comfortable talking with reference to another adult's neurotype and temperament than a child's. They get treated with enough disrespect as it is (again, generalised comment, not aimed at you as a parent).
This is really helping understand and heal parts of childhood surrounding my mum. I feel torn between the damage my three siblings and I have gone through because of how my mum handled things (or didn't) in my childhood but at the same time they weren't exactly things that she could've known were to come. Thank you for the insight ❤
As a first-time mom at 23 and only 17 weeks along, I'm still afraid of a plethora of things, and you nailed some of the biggest things I'm afraid of.
i love your content and channel
Gosh i love you! Thank you for your honesty
Absolutely EXCELLENT advice!!!! So true.
For me it was figuring out how to feel human again
The hard part was my own health declining because i didn't know that i would need to get my gallbladder removed, have chronic heart burn, and my teeth became so brittle they break while eating a cereal bar. Nobody told me that i could be physically struggling this much while caring for a newborn.
Some days are easier than others! You go through phases of questioning yourself and if your doing the right thing are you loving enough, are you disciplining enough, are you caring enough etc and some days you feel like you rocked it and others you just can’t! You know love your babies but damn some days they get on your nerves, you want time alone but when you have time alone you miss them and spend your time thinking about them! 😊
Mine is trying to change all my trauma reactions I have when my kids get loud or physical (even playfully) with me. I grew up in abuse so when someone grabs me or yells or my nervous system gets jolted, I instantly go into fight mode and have to calm myself down before reacting so I don't hurt my children the wayy mother hurt me. As an adult, it's something I didn't realize about myself cause I had surrounded myself with well regulated adults who didn't get physical or yell at me.
The best advice i can give is stop trying to control and go with the flow.
I love these skits, idk if it's the lighting but my girl always looks like she's either about to cry or has just stopped 😭 do you need a hug?
Exactly. Couldn't have said it better!
I think one of the hardest things is as a female to thinking you have to do all by yourself. You have right to be tired, feeling down or have unwished feelings or feel overwhelmed. Is a huge responsability and as in different things is okay to ask for help or someone to talk to
I laughed so hard at the "i want one of those"
This, right here: IS GOLD! So, so true!
This is right on the point! What’s hard for one may be easy for others! Each child is different and has different levels of needs! Just love and accept them for who they are and accept yourself in the journey! ❤
Yea like my hardest part is having to leave my son to go to work. I don't want to leave him I want him to be the only person around me at times and I always hated letting others hold him. My son is a calm baby and a good sleeper who loves food especially broccoli. Like his so calm that he's brought peace to my life. It's just so hard to leave him.
It can also change! I had a unicorn baby! She was sleeping through the night by 8 weeks old. I called the pediatrician one time worried because she has been asleep for over 3 hours during a second nap. She slept almost 4 hours that nap and STILL was asleep by 8 that night. It was wild! And then she turned about 3. The closer we got to three the more sleep issues we started to encounter. She went from a high sleep needs kid to a low sleep needs kid. And it felt like a flip was switched overnight. It was a lot to transition too and now we are at the natural consequences stage of fighting sleep. Time doesn’t stop and the days schedule will not be moved around because she kept herself up till super late. Nope that is a you issue my love. Gotta get that sleep so we can have energy for tomorrow’s activities. She’ll figure it out.
And it can also be the hardest part of ANYTHING YOU DON'T HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH❤❤❤❤ you risk braving unknown unknowns going into ANY new thing. I love your videos so much, thank you. I am avoiding motherhood for these very considerations, especially since I have ulcerative colitis and a severe TBI. THANK YOU for the realism, thank you for not blindly praising motherhood like we see so often in popular culture and giving a well rounded perspective❤❤❤
So true, you can’t be prepared for motherhood really, cause you just don’t know how you will react to things and how your baby will be. My daughter is amazing but she’s a terrible night sleeper, we had better days and weeks but overall it’s been hard most of the time. And I never knew just how angry and frustrated, out of patience and desperate I’ll feel. I was not prepared to feel the way I do sometimes, that I’ll feel like I hate being a parent sometimes. I feel like I aged several years in this 10 months. I really wanted my baby, we tried for years, and still there were moments when I regretted having her and wanted everything to go back to the way it was. Sleep deprivation is pure torture.
Before I had her I heard from people about the special love I’ll feel, the new meaning, etc, but honestly, while I do love her so so much, that love does NOT make it any easier for me, and being a parent did not fill my life with any special meaning, just with a lot of hard work.
Your partners level of involvement is 100% something you can guage and prepare for.
It's really different for every mother. Surprisingly motherhood weren't the hard part, that abusive ex was. I was on survival mode all the time in fear so I didn't have the time of even thinking how hard caring for a child.
I love the very first part of this video where she talks about not being able to “complain” about hard things because she chose to have kids. I don’t have kids and probably never will but there are so many choices I’ve made that I’ve gotten this from, like getting a dog, leaving my childhood religion, transitioning, not getting a job during my college semesters so I can focus on school, working in food service during my breaks. Not to say that all or even any of those decisions are as monumental as parenthood, but it’s a frustrating reality that people will use any agency you have in a situation to invalidate your struggles
Everything u say about being a mom is so real
The partners level of involvement thing usually you have a discussion with your partner before you have a kid and you can tell if they’re lying by how they act. It’s an only very rare occasions where one moment they’re like. Yay let’s have a kid in the next moment they’re like I’m barely gonna be in this kid life.
Love this explanation! My baby is turning 3 years soon and omg you are so right!!
The good news is that you almost never know what the hard part of anything is until you're stuck in the middle of it! You have a lifetime of experience doing that!
It's all so true! And it's okay.
Omg this is a great point!!! So good!
So true, so true. But I was also oblivious of all the possibilities 😅
Funny thing , cuz i work with dementia patients as well as work shifts that sometimes had less then 4 hours in between i knew what will be hard for me, i just didn't know HOW hard it is gonna be, cuz your baby ain't leaving, you ain't going home to rest from an 8 hours, somethimes 16 hours shift with your toddler.
Sleep deprevation and repeated high pitched noises or non stop screams or repeated "mom" calling are what was hardest for me 😅
100%! You really don't know until you're in the thick of it. ❤
Oh gosh. I remember me “complaining” about how difficult it was to be a single mother, out of circumstances out of my control, and there was someone who said “you should’ve just kept your legs closed.” I could not say anything to him. I had been married for 7 years to the father of my first child. As my second child, whom was a new born, I had been engaged to the father. But me “complaining” warrants him to tell me to shut up and should have kept them closed thus it was my fault.
not me thinking "excuse me?!?!" the same time she said it😅😅
Feeling alone... a shift in temperament for BOTH my kids... Cluster feeding... my daughter not sleeping, and still often having full meltdowns at bed time even though she's almost 5... Not feeling like I actually know my kids cause their dads idea of parenting is excluding me... I've kind of become detached from parenting and that itself is hard...
I think my mom and dad will help me a lot. My brother will be a wonderful uncle. I don't have a husband and no baby yet, but I love my family and my family loves me ❤️
Hardest part for me? I'm an introvert who has two tiny humans that need me to engage with them. A lot. At a higher level than they used to. And I want to, I do! I just also want a week where no one so much as glances at me 😅
For my children youre dead on, both slept through the night by 6 weeks but they both had health problems. My eldest was born prematurely and had health problems which included jaundice, an inability to maintain her own body temperature and needing to be fed through a tube for many weeks. My son was also quite sick as a child too although i carried him to term and delivered naturally, he was born with a hernia and a hole in his heart. Both my childrens health problems were remedied eventually but it was tough and istruggled to handle it all emotionally.