Why I Stayed!
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- Опубликовано: 20 июн 2021
- Why I Stayed!
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I cannot imagine why anyone would ever give Couples Academy vids a thumbs down. They are always so good!!! Thank you, Hasani and Danielle.
WOW! So many levels to live with in “Limbo-land”! Everything you said in this video that touched on things I deal with!
1) I’ve never stayed with a betrayer in my past!
2) My present husband was faithful for 29 years, THEN, he decided to have an affair!
3) Our daughter exposed his betrayal to me a week before our 29th wedding anniversary!
4) I still don’t know if I have full discovery yet! I say discovery because he’s never given me a full voluntary disclosure!
5) After 2,000 betrayal videos, 10 books, 14 weeks of marriage class, 14 weeks of individual counseling, a marriage intensive weekend, 14 weeks of betrayed course, 17 weeks of unfaithful course, I’m still in “Limbo-land”!
6) After asking every question I can think of for 2 1/2 years & him swearing on the Blood of Jesus that he’s told me everything, on Father’s Day 2020, he confessed more & threw me right back to the original D-day! So, how was his Father’s Day this year? They don’t make greeting cards for what he’s put me through!
7) Now, we’re into our 33 year of marriage and we’re in individual and couples betrayal trauma therapy and about to go through a professional disclosure process.
8) He’s been an intimacy anorexic/ avoidant personality our whole marriage and still avoids the difficult conversations we need to have & I’m not seeing any real effort to make repairs, amends or genuine remorse or compassion or real understanding of the damage he’s caused. He’s just starting to get in touch with his feelings at 64 years old!
9) I’m almost 69 years old, retired and all of my family has died off and divorce is constantly on my mind. I’ve spent half of my life with him trying to figure him out. I’m not even sure if I still love him or just familiar with him. I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist or just really damaged or if God is just trying to “do a good work” in him/us and help us to have a new healthy marriage.
10) I no longer trust my intuition or judgment, him or any man, or my ability to start over by supporting myself again.
I’m waiting to see what will happen in therapy. We have a lot of history together that really tested us and managed to survive it (until his affair). I want to see if there’s anything left to stay for. That’s why I’ve stayed.
I always thought we would spend our golden years enjoying one another. I never thought I would have to spend them healing like this.
Wish y'all had a payment plan for the broke. Other than you two are exceptional. Caring, compassionate, and deeply know what you talking about.
Ikr😔
My husband has committed adultery but says he wants the marriage. He is an over the road truck driver so what suggestions can you give on how to avoid the temptations and pitfalls
When we are in the world, there really is no avoiding temptation or pitfalls. Whether a person is gone for weeks/days at a time, or simply for 8-10 hours a day. Frankly, a lot of men, for some reason, have been ingrained to fear or avoid mast-bation. Which I think is soooooo ridiculous for a men in general. Sometimes you just have to get "rid" of it. And thus, I would suggest to most young men, get used to mast-bating daily. I know this is so "wicked" in the Judeo-Christian paradigm. But as a man, the difference between having built up frustration, not releasing the contents of your scrotum regularly, is the cause of a great deal of frustration, anger compared to releasing it daily. A man who refuses to mast-bate will be, at some point, incapable of thinking clearly. And I genuinely mean that. The stigma of mast-bation is one of the worst ideas our society has. It's the 2nd or 3rd thing I do after waking up. I couldn't see starting a day without releasing that built up aggression between our legs. And I would imagine, if a man is without his significant other for days or weeks at a time, and not releasing it themselves, they are going to find temptation whether they want to or not. And of course, mast-bation does not mean they have to be "alone". It can be something YOU take part in with your significant other over long distances. We do have cell phones now, facetime etc... So it can be something you both take part in. Consider the difference if the man in question, takes part in such a phone conversation with their significant other before going out. I think they'd be much less inclined to seek it elsewhere. But the second thing I would suggest is that a man needs to know himself. A man needs principles and unfortunately, fidelity is not always a principle men are taught to respect from a young age. Self control is so key. And again, it's difficult for a man to have self control without daily release or at least often release. With step 1 taken care of, a man will think far more clearly when on the road, when making stops at a diner or bar or wherever they spend their time. Avoidance of the issue generally will not help. So the man in question needs to be sure they a) believe in fidelity to begin with and b) understand what that infidelity means about them and their relationship. Without A, I am afraid there is little hope. And unfortunately, there are many men who do not believe in fidelity for various reasons, some cultural, some personal, some familial. But if A is not a problem, then on to B. Why do they need this companionship just to release themselves? Is it a matter of their pride, their insecurity as a man? Their need to "feel" like " a man"? Such things are directly tied to a mans confidence surely. Which is why, once you have had your daily release, it's much easier to simply socialize without feeling the need to copulate. A man needs to believe in himself and have confidence that is not attached to the number of women or general companionship. And many men do not have that. It's something that can be achieved later in life, but far more difficult than early in life. But a man needs to ask himself, where does that temptation really come from? Is it a matter of insecurity and self worth they are seeking? And why is that self worth so attached to sexuality? I think a man's confidence and sense of worth IS directly tied to their sexual masculinity. I do not think it can be detached. But for men who constantly seek affairs and constantly seek attention, it's often a lack of inner self worth and confidence. They are proving their prowess as much to themselves as to the rest of the world. And that is an inner struggle that only the man can resolve, but he can certainly do it with the help of his significant other. Which is why I would suggest a regular playfull phone relationship in such a situation. Now, there is the problem of variety. And I will say as a man, this is very difficult to overcome. Men seek "new" and seek "variety" fairly naturally and there are biological reasons for that. We can't simply erase millions of years of psyche evolution in 2,000 years of moral and ethical evolution. Unfortunately the most ingrained parts of our psyche are generally the oldest and most archaic and thus the most difficult to overcome. Which is why I, as a man, still constantly flirt. But I try to flirt without the pressure built up within my bits. And I am conscious of WHY I am flirting. Often it is enough to know you can do something without actually doing it. And I would say this is something a woman can understand as women too need their beauty and attractiveness reinforced time to time. And flirtation without temptation is certainly achievable for both. Alcohol of course can make this more difficult and make it far easier to fall into such lack of self control. Well, it's one of the reasons I prefer weed honestly lol. But if that is not an option and the person in question is going to drink, they will also need to build a strong sense of self control. If they can't, maybe they shouldn't be drinking as often. But obviously that is more difficult for some than others. Generally, when I don't want to cheat on my significant other, and I am in a situation where I could, the first thing I think of is "how will this effect my partner and my relationship?" As adults we are often ready, willing and able to always consider our children, their safety and their psychological needs. But not always so for our adult partners. He can help this himself, by being in those situations and consciously thinking of you and how this action would effect you. But not only you, how it would effect him in relation to you, the guilt, the shame, the "why did i do that" etc.. It's not easy. But these processes can help. I still say the biggest one though, as a man, is don't walk around fully loaded all day. Get rid of that "poison" on a daily basis this way you are more likely to listen to your big brain instead of your little one. I hope everything works out for you. Life is not an easy or clear journey.
What time is the live?
Hello. I'm from Philippines. Are you also available for counselling even off shore? If so, how?
How do you re assure your partner if the is a child involved and you can't sever all ties.
You can't "assure" your partner if you can't assure yourself. I would say first and foremost, you need to know if you mean it or not. And if you don't, consider that in what you promise to others. However, if you have assured yourself, if you know yourself well enough, then you might need to show them rather than telling them. Think back to when you were 18, 19 or so. What lengths did you go to to gain a woman's trust and involvement? Whatever that "romance" was, or is, make sure it is genuine first internally and then externally. There is only so much you can actually do to assure someone else of anything really. So, you know your partner probably better than anyone. What would gain your partners trust and affection again? What would give them the confidence to feel wanted and beautiful? And mean it. Whatever it is, the most important part is to mean it.