1. They're not self aware. 2. They don't have respect for your relational boundaries. 3. They are poor listeners. 4. They're not vulnerable. 5. They point out flaws of others but not their own. 6. They talk about flaws of others with harsh criticism. 7. They spend most the conversation talking about themselves. 8. They give quick answers to everything. (Not active listener, lack empathy). 9. There's too much to soon, over praise you without getting to know you. 10. They put unhealthy expectations on you. You want people or at least one person you can be totally yourself with. You can't change others, just yourself.
Geez, this exactly a new friend I'm about to dump and looking for a drama free exit. I can't even count the number of times I thought, "that's not right." Starting with a request for a ride to the airport, the second time I ever spoke to her! Don't know why I let it go on this long.
@@lindamatus4429 recently she asked me to drop everything to meet her daughter with no prior warning. I had other plans and she just kept berating, manipulating, and finally ending the conversation by saying "I'm sorry you're so irritated." I'm so done. This is no friend.
Great Video! I am guilty of 2 of these. I love to tell my story when someone has the same story. I think WOW we are really bonding. Next time i will validate their story before I go into my story. Communication is not easy!
Annie Richards : Same here. Always thought sharing my experiences was empathetic, showing the other person s/he was not alone and we had similar experiences. I personally ENJOY when people share their experiences with me. Now I ask myself “What can I say helpful and stay on topic?”
I’m probably guilty of at least 5+…worst of all is I do this toward my wife of 8 yrs :( I truly want to work on changing and growing but have harmed our relationship from my insecurity, fear, projection, etc
When I was a young women, I got taught in church that we had to be real with everybody, open, telling everybody what was really going on not "wearing masks"That was some really bad advice. This video is good advice. I wish I had heard it years ago to counter the lack of wisdom I heard back then. Wisdom is required in choosing who to open up to, and who to gaurd your heart from. Many thanks
I also heard the same advice, and jumped in with both feet in being vulnerable. BOY was that a mistake. When I got to studying the word more, and specifically proverbs, nowhere did I find the word "vulnerable." What I did read a lot about though was being discreet...just about the opposite of being vulnerable. Unfortunately I had to learn the hard way when it comes to sharing my heart.
They take out their anger on you. Dont tolerate being someone's punching bag Pray to God and Jesus that they are able to see the love God and Jesus have for them so they may be healed of their pain and be enlightened with the love knowing God and Jesus has for them. You just need to have faith
those that dish it out and can't take it.... I move away from them. It seems that if you cross them, they are ready to get into a physical confrontation with you defending their position should you reciprocate in comment only ...
You are so right. I stood up to my husband. He backed up a bit. But now he's doing it again. I don't like arguments. Ugh!😲 Unfortunately 25yrs. Of this. It gets old.
I only had one person in my life who loved me unconditionally and allowed me to be myself, understood me and loved me even flawed and that was my husband. He is gone now and there will never be another him. I miss him immensely. Learning to accept life alone.
@sayerdify me too. That was my husband of 20 years. He passed last year and I miss him terribly. He was the love of my life, my soulmate, father of my children and so kind and sincere. I am still living, but I m only half alive without him.
Lucky you that you had that even though you feel you dont now... Some people never receive this - my hand raises- I hope you find that love in the infinite awareness that this is not the omega.
I have another point. What about the Stingy and Cheap people. They love to borrow from you but Heaven forbid don't you ever ask them to lend you! They go crazy and start lying about their money and you know they are lying to you. I'm a giver and like to help others. These people pick up on that and try to use you. Watch how they handle their money. Thanks for the advice. First time listener.
Rosita Young I agree that a “taker” is an unsafe person, however I do know a person who is extremely generous, but only to everyone outside their own immediate family.
No body is NORMAL IN THIS UPSIDE DOWN SOCIETY WORLD OVER. EVERYBODY IS TRYING TO SAVE THEMSELVES & at the SAME TIME DESTROYING RUINING EACH OTHERS LIVES. Social wars. Domestic wars. Lust wars. Normal? Normal MENTAL WELL-BEING?? May be A RARE FEW are AVERAGE wellness. Mentally. God Almighty is NOT in Control of humanity at this TIME. His adversary is. & MAN is in CONTROL Ruling the earth inhabitants. Chaos is the results. What can we do differently for the GOODNESS & WELLNESS of mankinds NORMALIZATION MENTAL Wellness?
A 'covert' narc: they volunteer to the point of forcing you (breaking you down and doing it anyway, regardless of how many times you ask them to stop) to 'help' you with things which you neither want nor asked for help with, but refuse to help with things that you actually ask them to help you with, claiming a 'bad back' or some other pitiful line of bull.
Same here, just recently I have been having to weed out a clinging vine. It got to where every week and almost every day I would get a messenger post with yet another "drama" that they needed my help with. May I borrow XYZ? Ugh, I had to set up fb messenger so that I cannot be seen as "online" when I'm online. Talk about suffocating. I can't tell how many times I've said No.
Personal policy: if I have it, can spare it, and it’s in my heart to give it, I give with no questions asked and no expectations attached. If I’m in need I’m grateful if others might help me out, but I don’t expect it or feel entitled to it. If I loan someone money or other items, I accept it’s possible s/he may not be able to return it even if s/he has the best intentions. Stuff happens.
Unsafe people will mistreat their service people; wait staff, barbers, cashiers-no good words just criticism. Unsafe people will gossip about everyone and if they do it with you, they will do it to you. Any of their ex's were crazy, bitchy, yada, yada-it is never their fault. Unsafe people are jealous of you, in competition with you, and can't be happy for your prosperity. These are just to name a few.
@@johnk4934 I disagree with that comment. At 54 y.o. and with tons of therapy due to extreme childhood abuse, I am very self aware, compassionate, and question my interpretations of situations at several levels. However, that being said, because of the abuse, my energy has attracted many unsafe people throughout the years. So, until you have actually met and worked with someone, it is destructive and not constructive to make such a comment. Please check yourself, for being in a position of trust, you could do damage to those who are more vulnerable than myself.
@@johnk4934 In other words, I do feel much more safe in the world at this point in my life, even enough to move abroad completely by myself knowing. no-one where I was going. And I consider myself a very safe person for other people.
@Beeblebrox One You missed my point, lectured me, used foul language in your comment: having a bad day, or do you walk this world only to make it "better" by disagreement? Look at her original statement: 'very few safe.' Opinion, which shapes the world she sees. Then you come along, lay into me, to prove your point. Which reinforces hers. But it doesn't: using inappropriately and unnecessarily blunt adjectives to belittle an opinion of someone else... ... let's go with you're having a bad day, and took it out on me, and now you want to do the right thing, as you feel bad, and apologize? No? You're one of the people warned about in the video? Okay. My world is still "safe." Are we done here?
Hey Mark 👋 I had a very serious brain injury when I was a child and I've found that as I've gotten older I have a difficult time concentrating. Sometimes, I find myself cutting people off and changing the subject which is really bad but I don't even know I'm doing it until I've done it 😳 It's like sticking your foot in your mouth 😬 The only thing that has helped, in the past, is reading my Holy Bible. I mean, the more I read it the healthier I am 👍
Carrie Smith - it's so amazing that you're aware of yourself un this way Carrie . Now you can take it to the Lord and practice concentrating better. Don't be hard on yourself either, you'll get better in time 💕
Nothing is more annoying than telling people someone something just to have them tell you they didn’t know it at a later date especially if it was important.
Carrie Smith you might also tell the person you’re talking to what’s happening and once aware it will be easier to deal with you. When people know you’re working on the problem they will probably help you improve
Some people are very GOOD LISTENERS ... they observe listen make you feel they are empathizing...BUT use this information at a later time against you....they will NEVER ever reveal anything about themselves stay very guarded.
@@VivKittie32 yeah that's definitely a clear sign of someone stock piling info.. I had same thing with ex but j had a lot going on so it seemed normal for me to talk about it. He was good at first... Then shit just got ridiculous. I told him I was way better than him and we should've never dated much less married.
found this out the hard way. i thought my husband was safe but he isn't. he's not violent or anything but he's NOT safe. he's the victim of narcissistic abuse from his mother (devout christian too) he will never meet her standards, never. i saw it from the very beginning of our relationship. my mistake was believing i could be the one to take her place. to help HIM feel safe, respected, that he mattered and was not a failure or that his hardships were the result of God punishing him for some mysterious sin (she actually believes this.) i listened to all of his problems and shared my own. instead of helping each other move forward he uses MY flawed past, the abuse I suffered from my own family as ammo to make himself feel less flawed. he truly believes he can fix me (i never said I was broken. I never said I needed a savior. I already have one! I never asked for his help.) the worst part is the relationship has broken down and become toxic. and he runs to mamma with this information because she can fix it. 2019 was the worst year ever. i have never considered divorce until now because I can't stand him and his better than you attitude. he does things to upset me then says its my fault because my family made me too sensitive, that i am projecting, that i cant take a joke, or things would be better if I would just "fill in the blank". for my birthday his mom sent me a book with a title saying something like "its okay to not be okay." which tells me right now he's been running his mouth again. he's even dragged our dirty laundry out in front of my dad which caused a LOT of problems we didn't need. and it hurts because I have NEVER done that to him. I have gone out of my way to avoid talking about the kind of crap he gets up to, how he judges people and thinks he can solve all your problems with his expert advice. I have no problem with forgiveness or moving on but I don't see myself moving on with him. I absolutely do not trust him. I have always been a secretive person. my business is MY business. I only share with people I trust....my mistake was trusting him with too much and with the wrong information. I wish now that I had never spoken about my family or my past. I damn sure know better than to talk about it now. Some times I think about going to counseling because I have no one to talk to. but I still dont believe it will help. the damage is already done. Now I just want to disappear from this life. If I could erase my existence and start over on the other side of the world I would. and I would NOT make these mistakes again. sometimes a listening ear is attached to a running mouth.
@@Hy-Brasil I dated a guy just like this.. I started showing him about narcs and pointing out what his family was doing and he would run his mouth to them or anyone. But he won't mention the fact he's married and has a felony and on probation... Sounds like another guy ruined by his mom. She has his balls and they are together not you two. He won't shut up... You will need to leave. He is gaslighting you also. Manipulative jerk... Ugh too many bitches that should be men. Don't you feel like you have switched rolls?? I did with that mommys boy douche. He lives with her too... Told a friend of mine his parents ruined us... No his lies did. He's clueless.
@@reneenordeen9447 My husband took me like Grant took Richmond! I couldn't fight him off mentally, physically or spiritually or any kind of ally, ha!....should have been a warning sign, but I was the perfect target, 17, young and dumb. I had no brothers, and had never dated much, he got my history, formed my perfect soulmate mask, I didn't know which end was up, til it was too late. I just found out about his sex addiction and cheating (even with my sister, 2 best friends and others, possibly including my oldest daughter) after 46 years of being married to the creep, and he was the best liar I have ever seen. Fooled everyone, he was a minister, by the way.
Damn. I'm so sorry you had to go through such a horrible time. I sure hope you can get counseling and time to heal, time alone to gather yourself and heal your mind and body. It's SO important that you do.
@@reneenordeen9447 I feel like I am a new person, more free now, and in effect being born anew, and the pain of that birth was excruciating. I truly loved his fake mask for a long time. Even though I wasted my youth on him, and the chance to have a real soul mate, that he has stolen, I have more peace now than I have known my whole life long, now that he is gone for good. Wow, have I learned a life lesson. Why doesn't society talk more about how to avoid these people, they say one out of 7 are narcs. Society needs to be shouting the warnings about these monsters. One good thing, my daughter who lives in Atlanta has a degree in psychology, and she has really really helped me a lot. You are right, a person does need someone to talk to about it.
I was a part of a fellowship years ago where the people had a lot of the characteristics you mentioned in this video. There was a lot of insensitivity because everyone was trying to live up to a perfect standard, and there was no room for real problems, and there was very little humility or willingness to listen to others. I am a person who wears my heart on my sleeve and have a tendency to be sensitive, and there were many times that certain people in the fellowship tried to boss me around and invalidate my feelings. Everyone there (with the exception of one or two) was trying to make it seem as though they have "arrived", and as a result, no one was willing to grow in knowledge or question some of their ideas. I had many hurtful interactions there. It was strange because we all tried to act like we were there for each other, but in practice, no one really was. At least not on an emotional level. My husband and I ended up being kicked out because we challenged a fundamental Christian doctrine. Instead of hearing my husband out and finding out why he changed his mind, they just booted us. To this day, I still struggle with the ramifications of that response. It's been very difficult. But I do have to say that if I had not been through all of that, I would not be the person I am today. I have learned to listen and be there for people on a level that I never had been before. There have been many hardships in my life since then, and each one of them has just taught me how to listen to others better and be there for them like I've needed someone to be there for me. My husband and I have grown immensely in humility. What you said about how when a person grows, they realize how much they don't know is so so true. That's exactly how my husband have felt over the last 5 years. It makes us a lot less quick to answer than we used to be. I have still not fully healed from the whole ordeal, but I do like who I am better now than I did back then. Also, I have been lucky enough to find a wonderful friend who has really been there for me. We've known each other for two years now, and no one has listened to me like she has. I don't feel like I have to have a filter up at all. It's a breath of fresh air to find that after what I experienced years ago. This was a great video. Thanks for sharing.
I would also add when someone tells you who you are. The fact is, no one really knows us better than ourselves. So when someone says to you, you are this are you are that or you are this way because etc. no one really wants another person summarizing our very being. Another thing I would add is when someone cannot accept that the best you had to offer today was enough. This is when someone says why don’t you, what you should do is, how come you, if only you would, etc. And finally, people who try to make you their project to fix as if they’ve got themselves on a more important pedestal of sorts. It’s as if they are the only ones who have wisdom as if looking down their high and mighty nose makes them superior to you. I have experienced these three things in my own family of people who were not good at relating to one another and who were tone deaf to how they came across.
I have experienced the first one. Like they assumed they could read my mind. No, actually they argued with me about what I was thinking! Who assumes they know your thoughts? Now that is destructive for sure! Because that gives them authorization to reprimand you for what they assume you are thinking.
LinYouToo I'm confused?! It sounds like you're describing an empath. I wish I had people that cared enough to want to help fix my life. Or maybe, I misunderstood and you're referring to a person who's controlling.
Iris Pedro Thanks for your comment. When I think of an empath, I think of someone who can dial right into someone and share their experience. Sometimes we can actually feel their feelings. Sometimes I can get choked up listening to a friends very sad story or situation. It’s feeling and experiencing at a whole new level. It’s pretty easy for me to give that to another person. I only have a few people in my life who can actually witness my pain and experience without immediately offering solutions. Sometimes all we really want is to be seen and heard and understood. When I say making someone else our project to fix, I am referring to someone who crosses boundaries inappropriately instead of staying on their side of the fence. I used to have a friend who is like this. She did everything she could to get me to become her. She even wanted to convert me to her religion. For Christmas she gave me a Bible and other religious items. Then she told me where her church was in my neighborhood. Then she would text me daily affirmations. Then I got a religious calendar. I’m not anybody’s project to fix and I certainly don’t want to be controlled that way. When I let her know I needed her to step back, she blew a fit. So yes, it can be a control issue. It can also be projection. When someone is projecting who they are and what they believe in onto another person. That’s not healthy. None of that is healthy. Finally, for my friends who need care, consideration, and support, I’m all in. But I first have to know what support looks like to them so I don’t overstep their boundaries or mine. Only then can I support them in a way that is healthy for both of us.
As a Christian, I HATE those Christian cliches. So dismissive and often not even Biblically or contextually accurate. This video was very helpful, not only in identifying relationally unsafe people but also for identifying a couple habits in my own life that I need to fix to be safer for others.
I agree Ashley - praying that God will continue to show me true Christian fellowship. what I thought was home church seems now manmade religious self righteous place = so ready for a real Christian church as in Christ' living church not a building to go to where people are always operating on shallow levels - the 'quick answers' and the 'listening' - I listen actively but often find others cut across when speaking, apart from a few close friends, people mean well they want to find an answer but just listening is so much better than trying to fix everything.
All we can do is be open to have a hearing Mind & Heart Unfortunately, it has become a dumping ground for people to act & do to others... So, It really takes a Heathy Heart, Soul & Mindset to hear these difficult challenges of people@times Great info 👍🏽
I hate to say it, but most Christians are like this. I guess I’m still a Christian if God would still have me, but I had to go get help outside of church and Christian circles it was so bad (2 religious narc parents and a high range covert narc church elder/mentor where I volunteered) and of course, many other narcs and a lot of bullying in my life (because I was groomed for it and it’s a vicious cycle). It’s even tough to find help in the psych profession when you’re dealing with something like malignant narcissists. And esp since a lot of narcs flock to Christianity to have a good cover and to find such loving and giving victims and prey. Like I said. Hate to say it, but it’s true. I trust no one anymore, Christian or not, until they prove themselves to me. Too many Christians prancing about as wolves in sheep’s clothing imo and even more people than that drinking their sick kool aid and either wittingly or unwittingly doing their bidding. There is no start to any healing without true validation tho. That’s when I got a LOT less picky about anyone’s religious beliefs. Beggars can’t be choosers.
Lisa Schofield Yes and No. Some people in my life have these characteristics because they are immature /ignorant but have great potential. God looks beyond our faults to see the needs.
Gaslighters make u think ur crazy in ur opinions and coverts are the victim narcissistic people I would say these folks are just more me centric self centered but yes overall terrible listening skills are often the first big red flag for me
Your video is on point. My mother is “unsafe”. Her personality was traumatizing to me as a child, so much that I became an alcoholic. So grateful that I am sober (10 years) and that I am healing. In order to deal with her and people like her, I set up boundaries which includes limited contact. Thank you for a much needed video.
Hey Mark!! Don't know if you'll see this or not... but I just wanted to say you've changed my life, thank you so much!! I've been watching all your videos, and I've listened to exposing the rejection mindset 3times now, took me a while to get through it the first time because it was really intense for me, tears all the time!! But now I am able to actually sit down and study it properly. I've written down all the questions, and I answer what I am able to each day, in more and more detail, and I must say, I'm gaining much more clarity and I know myself better now than I ever have before. It's funny, you literally say in this video, unsafe people give compliments too fast before becoming friends!! Haha sorry for that, I feel like I know you as a friend because I have listened to your word speaking God's words, for hours and hours now!! I also have recorded some of your prayers, and listen to them each morning and night. Sorry for how long this comment is, I really just wanted to reach out to you, and just say with all my heart THANK YOU!!!!! Your work helping people is phenomenal, I'm so grateful God has you on his side. I'm also starting to go through some of your courses online as well. I want to help people like you do. Please feel free to contact me, I'd love to talk to you :) thank you for your work, sending you and your AMAZING wife all the love :) blessings to you xoxoxoxo
Nicole this note here made my day! It makes everything I've had to process through so worthwhile...to see how it has impacted your life. It's an honor and I'm so glad to know you are soaking truth into your heart. Amazing! Keep it up!
@@marktdejesus Thank you for replying :) It's so cool to hear from you :D Yes, it hasn't been very long that I've been following you, but it's honestly changed my life already, I can't wait for the future :) thank you so much for being strong and courageous all of the times you were called to be, because now because of you, I have been transformed :) Thank you xoxo and I might add, it's specifically what YOU have been through, and the way God works through YOU that has allowed this understanding for me. I've been to church lots, and read many books, but nothing has transformed my life like your teachings have. I have also been able to use what I have learned from you to help speak God's love to my family members as well in ways that they need it the most, and I'm often quoting exactly the way you explain things, because you have such a gift of getting it to make sense. There are a few cues and things you say that show me you have walked it out. You're my inspiration, and I know once I am completely free from the chains of the past, I will be able to help so many people from what you have done :) the ripple effects from you is going to be bigger than you know :) One day maybe I'll come to a class you actually are teaching!!! That would be so cool :) if you ever do a Mark DeJesus tour of Australia, please let me know!
What a great talk. Thanks so much. A safe friend and I just finished reading and going thru the workbook of Cloud and Townsend’s Safe People. Happy to say my healing and recovery journey these last 10 years finally made me a safe person.
The first 3 of these points are unfortunately also traits of people on the Autism spectrum. Not because Autistic are unsafe, but just because the brain is wired differently and social behaviour is not instinctual.
Chevron Lily I don’t accept what u said all the way lol I have high functioning autism and is a great listener, I have the shoulders of many people, but i understand what ur trying to say to each their own
#resistblueisis Aiken county is corrupt! I have # 2& 10 I also once thought Autism but what you are saying is what actually happened. Makes sense now to me. Thanks!
Very good point! I know a child who has zero empathy and breaks my daughters, who is also on the high functioning spectrum, heart! It’s a part the the spectrum...I often wonder if she is even aware of what she does! Another trait is she will only play with one friend at a time...I think anxiety is a huge factor in that too...so she will single out one person and they will run around and make the other child feel singled out and she will say things like you can’t play with us...it makes me so mad it’s all I can do not to blow up on her!!!
The trick is to find people who earn it. Only through vulnerability can we find connection, and only through connection can we feel whole (if it is to ourselves, to our non-human surroundings, or to other people). Listen or read Brené Brown. Her work is deeply moving and true.
One way relationship that one doesn't realize is one way is the most time taking. Mercy. Really need mercy. I need to form other relationships and this will help me navigate.
It would be a good topic for you. My experience. The lazy narc. Never worked or provided all of what we, me and my daughter needed. The harder I worked the less he did. I hear so many topics of the husband is breadwinner and withheld finances. My marriage was the polar opposite. His sense of entitlement was grossly elevated. And he was jealous of me and my work ethic. He was emotional, verbal, mental and financial abuser. Is there a video you’ve talked about this situation. And I am now divorced. Happiest I’ve ever been!!
Oh lord, being a fixer and problem solver is draining... I admit that I am actually learning and determined to become a wonderful and active listener so I will have a good relationship
I dont tryvto fix other people OR fix other people's problems. But in most cases when it's someone who is having "medical" issues with their health and its directly related to their diet and poor lifestyle habits I will share a youtube link, website link documentary , book title or some other peice of information they can go research on their own and figure it it out themselves. Only problems is the people I have felt with who I have done this (and job I didnt do only this I did also listen to them many times without sharing anything, in between) for, really only wanted me to feel sorry for them, and didnt really care about fixing their own problems because they wanted to feel validated that THEY were right ,and wanted to hear what THEY wanted to hear (oh you poor thing ,your doing nothing wrong ") When in reality they needed to take more responsiblity for the problems they were causignvthemselves. When you have known someone for many years, and they consider you a friend thr two people should be able to be open and honest about kind hearted, tactful replies and criticizing them ,when nessisary in a loving way. You cant always just give hugs and lie to them and tell them everything is okay because they are doing everythignvright,if they are not. And you should also be able to take the same criticism from them as well. As true friends. When people cant do this it shows me they have mental or emotional issues or are,just using me and not a true friend.
Gerri Miller as someone with a top strength as restorative ( the fixer) the best explantion of listening to someone from the school of life explained it all in a way that pointed out I was simply fixing the wrong problem. The actual problem is that “no body can imagine themselves in my life and it feels so lonely”. That problem we can fix by holding space for some one and compassionately listing. Def get learning about EQ for sure.
Loved the description of church folk tossing off sound bits and putting a bow on the package...instead of listening. Experienced that as being shaming as a child in the church trying to get a answers, and help. Gave up asking. Took the abuse that was happening because I didn't want any more catch phrases.
`Guess the key is to have one's own identity secured relationally in Christ; not just "making nice" but really being relational and having our self, secure in Christ as the one who designed & made us, as well as restored to His intention.. For the rest: it's a good checklist/ filter list; but there's also the place not to exclude someone with few or many of these tendencies; -sometimes it can be our place to, perhaps, ask a question that makes them aware of these habits, and perhaps allow them to see, and work on their own journey, while not becoming stuck by them or with them, or become vulnerable to them. When we've got a decent perspective, dropping a hint or two their way can be a gift they'd not expected, and may take time to recognize later. No need to fix them completely, but not eliminate them or use this construct to block / shun or excuse ourselves from loving in ways that we can and should, when & where appropriate
This has opened my eyes and heart to the flaws within myself hard truth but much needed on how I have related to others in the past and now my journey forward is to work on myself so I can have a better relationship with God and who he brings into my life for friendship
Good Points. Many people are Like that when they are Just Born again, i know a lot WHO are still Like that, when they are many years" Christians". Iam The Same, but i can See The Progress GOD blessed me with, and He tells me all The time ,i should have Love with Others, that Most Missing Objekt. If WE all Loved each Other, WE Had more healing. I try to Set my Line and be Kind and honest to Others, with HIS Help. Colossians 3 IS really helpful. God Bless you all
I work with children on the spectrum. So I wonder how this works with them as they become adults. They learn skills to be aware. But catching social skills is difficult. It’s not they don’t care it’s just difficulty. I don’t want them to consider unsafe when there heart is in the right place.
I do some of these things deliberately to get people to not like me because I like being by myself. I’m an empath and I absorb other peoples emotions .so to be around people that are highly emotional really agitates me and I’ve learned that
Wow. Thank you. I love how is Christians are rising and using our gifts and skills to help others. Your book fully describes the journey I am working on right now and I will get your book! God brought my attention to your video. Our God is good! Thank you.
So true, I don't like cliches and I don't like Christian cliches because I'm a disciple of Christ as a Christian and Christ never used cliches, He reasoned, He analyzed, listened with intent, etc.
@@lindaclark5911 Really? You had to correct when Alex was being vulnerable? Maybe you should listen to the video again. Alex, I am so sorry. I have no idea what you have been through, but Jesus loves you, and he is always safe.
@@lindaclark5911 how about you don't tell someone what words to say and not say? They're probably an adult and can say what they want. Not the time or place for micromanaging other people's language
I can relate to this personally being unsafe and also coming across unsafe people. When I was a new believer I was very unsafe God was still working on my heart. but now that I'm mature in my faith and my walk with Jesus, I see the unsafe people in a lot of circumstances. I think churches sometimes are the problem with this. when you get saved or join they invite you down and they treat you like they're your super best friend really fast really hard they want to know all your personal information,where you live where you work. they invite you into their homes and it's like they're your best friend forever within the first 48 to 72 hours. but then you start to realize that a lot of people that are still broken and they're hurting and they have motives. the truth of it relationships they take time like you stated. Now if someone tries to be my best friend real fast or I'm just the best person on Earth real fast 99% of the time that is a short tale sign that someone is relationally unsafe and they're dangerous or they're still being worked on. And lastly when you tell someone hey I think this relationship is moving too fast and they get mad and angry and they try to speed it up, still that is a sure-tale sign that someone is really dangerous. thanks for your RUclips video God bless
Thank you for this. Even having experienced the unsafeness of certain people, I constantly expected myself to handle unsafe behavior in others like a punching bag for horrible abuse.
When they get a glint in their eye, or a particular little lift to their speech when you tell them something unfortunate about yourself. Schadenfreud? I suppose that is what you'd find with anyone who is highly narcissistic.
Schadenfreude is so true for people who are disingenuous, yes they get pleasure during your hardships, so obviously 🙄 fake 😏, wop-wop-womp!😡Don’t tell them anything pretty much🤨
Physically bump into you and run into you by accident, yet dont acknowledge what they did by saying "excuse me". Not physically self-aware of running through my boundaries.
Their behavior is inconsistent - for example: one who is syrupy sweet and always trying to please/engage you but is rude and demanding of wait staff, clerks, etc.. These people are also generally very impatient, disrespectful, and aggressive drivers - prone to road rage
Sarah Bouta I have been there, you might be having some trust issues. Maybe you had some trauma and you need to give yourself time. I have been there. You will heal and try to get back out there. :)
I'm there now Sarah. You talk to the Lord daily. Ask Him to give you a true friend. Maybe He wi maybe He wont. Either way, if you have Jesus you have all you need. It does stink to be alone though on your journey
Those first three signs are true, but understand that some people are in a growth pattern themselves. Give them a chance to repent before you cut them off.
ANYTHING REPETATIVE NEEDS TO GO..IT HAS NO GROWTH IT LOOPS ON NEGATIVE AGENDAS THAT BRING NO JOY OR PEACE..GROWTH OREINTED PEOPLE DONT HAVE TIME TO SPEND ON THOSE WHO CANT ..NO GROWTH IS DEATH...JOHN 3;16 BE VESTED IN THE HOLY SPIRIT TO GUIDE YOUR PATH...
EXACTLY. The Lord has really worked in my husband. He is Mediterranean and his family talks a lot and doesnt listen we!l. He's working on it. And we both had emotional issues but God still loves us and recently brought to kur attention that my mom has narcissistic personality disorder and was the source of a lot of our issues. Im glad we didnt give up on each other.
Bart... It seems like you're hurting. All i can say is that change and growth.takes a long time. Go health patient God is with me, and I think God expects me to try and have that same patients but the people around me
Good news! Narcissists never truly repent so you can cut them off without guilt. They will gladly take all the chances you give them and throw them back in your face.
1. They are not self aware. 2. They don't have a respect for your relational boundaries. 3. They are terrible listeners. 4. They are not vulnerable. 5. They point out the flaws in others, but never reveal their own. 6. They talk about the brokeness and failures of others, with harsh criticism and judgment. 7. They spend most of their conversations talking about themselves. 8. They give quick answers to everything. 9. TOO MUCH TOO SOON. 10. They put unhealthy expectations on you.
It took me a long time to realize it. I became friends with a woman that was a psychopath I wasn't aware of the warning signs until it was too late. Now I am aware of warning signs now and to go with my gut feelings.
Im not relationally safe because I look at most people I meet as temporary because I feel like something is always missing so I prepare myself to only know them a short period of time nothing too deep.
Give your heart to Jesus Start with the repentance you've already stated but say it to God. Believe He hears your prayers and ask Him to come into your life, to actually become a living sacrifice as He sacrificed himself for us. Read your bible and find a good God fearing church
Start slow. With friendship not romance. Choose somebody who is emotionally stable and socially competent. Then don't demand too much of their time. But appreciate whatever they offer you.
The best relationship is? A good relationship with yourself. This took me a long time, because I lost myself in childhood. I never thought; the key was ME.. Don't give up!👍 We are all damaged in a way. Let a lone "perfect".. 😂
I don't know exactly how RUclips recommended this for me but it's cool that it did. I agree with all of these points. If more people were self aware, life would be easier in ways. But, we know where we are. This is a wonderful video!
I found a relationship to be unsafe in that whatever I said was ignored and everything had to be the other person's way. In another relationship the person seemed to always be disappointed in me. I was too late, too happy, too hungry, too willing, too whatever. In other words I wasn't good enough. There were unspoken expectations on the other person's part that I could not live up to. I dropped that one when I realized that no matter what I did or who I was it would never live up to what they wanted. With both these people I might as well had not been at all. That was the end of that, and I'm perfectly ok with this. : )
Hum, ....interesting. I can see myself in a couple of those signs, yet I endeavor to be self aware these days. Also, I talk quite alot: the perception is I am not listening, yet I am. Also, I am open & connect real fast w people I relate to, but I do endeavor to observe, as well as respect personal boundaries. I will reflect on Mr. Dejesus' comments. Hum....perception is another's reality :) mmw54
Kind of related to number 7: if someone has to keep telling you how much of a great person they are, they probably aren’t. At the same time, if someone tells you they’re bad news, believe them.
Okay. Well, I’ve been realizing that I need to seek God’s life and read the word more to gain Him. Only in Him can I/we truly have the discernment how to speak, what to speak, when to speak, and not speak anything but just pray.
Every time I listen to your videos I feel that my heart is being washed. I live in a small town in Finland and found your page by looking for an answer to a question: Why can't I believe God loves me..He really does but I can't receive it. My heart is filled with rejection and hurt..I am really grateful for these videos.
That’s good to hear. Much of the research says that these behaviors can’t be treated. But I believe when you give yourself to Christ old things become new and even the narcissistic can be changed
1. They're not self aware.
2. They don't have respect for your relational boundaries.
3. They are poor listeners.
4. They're not vulnerable.
5. They point out flaws of others but not their own.
6. They talk about flaws of others with harsh criticism.
7. They spend most the conversation talking about themselves.
8. They give quick answers to everything. (Not active listener, lack empathy).
9. There's too much to soon, over praise you without getting to know you.
10. They put unhealthy expectations on you.
You want people or at least one person you can be totally yourself with.
You can't change others, just yourself.
Thank you!
Geez, this exactly a new friend I'm about to dump and looking for a drama free exit. I can't even count the number of times I thought, "that's not right." Starting with a request for a ride to the airport, the second time I ever spoke to her! Don't know why I let it go on this long.
v lanza been there too many times as well. The truth is no matter how delicately you try that exit she will need to demonize you
@@lindamatus4429 recently she asked me to drop everything to meet her daughter with no prior warning. I had other plans and she just kept berating, manipulating, and finally ending the conversation by saying "I'm sorry you're so irritated." I'm so done. This is no friend.
v lanza nope not even close. That’s just NOT normal (or polite). Bulldozer😡
Great Video! I am guilty of 2 of these. I love to tell my story when someone has the same story. I think WOW we are really bonding. Next time i will validate their story before I go into my story. Communication is not easy!
Annie Richards : Same here. Always thought sharing my experiences was empathetic, showing the other person s/he was not alone and we had similar experiences. I personally ENJOY when people share their experiences with me. Now I ask myself “What can I say helpful and stay on topic?”
I know same. I need to be okay with space in conversation.
same
This is sweet that you acknowledge this. Communication is only 'not eady' if we keep making it more about us than about the value of the other person
I’m probably guilty of at least 5+…worst of all is I do this toward my wife of 8 yrs :( I truly want to work on changing and growing but have harmed our relationship from my insecurity, fear, projection, etc
If you feel you are walking on wall to wall eggshell carpet? Run 🏃♀️
I need to hear this thanks very much. for. this video.
what if I can't run haha.
I once felt like I was crash landing an Airbus A380 on eggshells.I just look back and laugh now,they were so ridiculous.Being alone is underrated.
When I was a young women, I got taught in church that we had to be real with everybody, open, telling everybody what was really going on not "wearing masks"That was some really bad advice. This video is good advice. I wish I had heard it years ago to counter the lack of wisdom I heard back then. Wisdom is required in choosing who to open up to, and who to gaurd your heart from.
Many thanks
I also heard the same advice, and jumped in with both feet in being vulnerable. BOY was that a mistake. When I got to studying the word more, and specifically proverbs, nowhere did I find the word "vulnerable." What I did read a lot about though was being discreet...just about the opposite of being vulnerable. Unfortunately I had to learn the hard way when it comes to sharing my heart.
Beautiful!We can’t be a bunch of naive suckers.👊🤠
Yep 👍 spot on..
They take out their anger on you. Dont tolerate being someone's punching bag
Pray to God and Jesus that they are able to see the love God and Jesus have for them so they may be healed of their pain and be enlightened with the love knowing God and Jesus has for them. You just need to have faith
those that dish it out and can't take it.... I move away from them. It seems that if you cross them, they are ready to get into a physical confrontation with you defending their position should you reciprocate in comment only ...
Mic Well k
@@nl5137 sorry to hear that.
You are so right. I stood up to my husband. He backed up a bit. But now he's doing it again. I don't like arguments. Ugh!😲
Unfortunately 25yrs. Of this.
It gets old.
@@Psalm-lb1gz 25 years?
Beat ya if you threatened to leave he will change or at least try to change .
I only had one person in my life who loved me unconditionally and allowed me to be myself, understood me and loved me even flawed and that was my husband. He is gone now and there will never be another him. I miss him immensely. Learning to accept life alone.
@sayerdify me too. That was my husband of 20 years. He passed last year and I miss him terribly. He was the love of my life, my soulmate, father of my children and so kind and sincere. I am still living, but I m only half alive without him.
So sorry for your loss!.. praying for you! God Bless!..❤
Lucky you that you had that even though you feel you dont now...
Some people never receive this
- my hand raises-
I hope you find that love in the infinite awareness that this is not the omega.
Men are like parking spaces ta best ones are taken. That seems to fit ur hubby.Go bless.
You are truly blessed to have that kind of love in your life💖
Explains most people now a days. No wonder it's so hard to make friends.
People who lack self-awareness I cut them out right away
Something I need too practice
I have another point. What about the Stingy and Cheap people. They love to borrow from you but Heaven forbid don't you ever ask them to lend you! They go crazy and start lying about their money and you know they are lying to you. I'm a giver and like to help others. These people pick up on that and try to use you. Watch how they handle their money. Thanks for the advice. First time listener.
Rosita Young I agree that a “taker” is an unsafe person, however I do know a person who is extremely generous, but only to everyone outside their own immediate family.
No body is NORMAL IN THIS UPSIDE DOWN SOCIETY WORLD OVER.
EVERYBODY IS TRYING TO SAVE THEMSELVES & at the SAME TIME DESTROYING RUINING EACH OTHERS LIVES. Social wars. Domestic wars. Lust wars. Normal?
Normal MENTAL WELL-BEING?? May be A RARE FEW are AVERAGE wellness. Mentally. God Almighty is NOT in Control of humanity at this TIME.
His adversary is. & MAN is in CONTROL Ruling the earth inhabitants. Chaos is the results. What can we do differently for the GOODNESS & WELLNESS of mankinds NORMALIZATION MENTAL Wellness?
A 'covert' narc: they volunteer to the point of forcing you (breaking you down and doing it anyway, regardless of how many times you ask them to stop) to 'help' you with things which you neither want nor asked for help with, but refuse to help with things that you actually ask them to help you with, claiming a 'bad back' or some other pitiful line of bull.
Same here, just recently I have been having to weed out a clinging vine. It got to where every week and almost every day I would get a messenger post with yet another "drama" that they needed my help with. May I borrow XYZ? Ugh, I had to set up fb messenger so that I cannot be seen as "online" when I'm online. Talk about suffocating. I can't tell how many times I've said No.
Personal policy: if I have it, can spare it, and it’s in my heart to give it, I give with no questions asked and no expectations attached. If I’m in need I’m grateful if others might help me out, but I don’t expect it or feel entitled to it.
If I loan someone money or other items, I accept it’s possible s/he may not be able to return it even if s/he has the best intentions. Stuff happens.
"They dont WANT to be self-aware. They dont even WANT to know how they come across." YIKES! The world is filled with those kinds of people everywhere!
Unsafe people will mistreat their service people; wait staff, barbers, cashiers-no good words just criticism. Unsafe people will gossip about everyone and if they do it with you, they will do it to you. Any of their ex's were crazy, bitchy, yada, yada-it is never their fault. Unsafe people are jealous of you, in competition with you, and can't be happy for your prosperity. These are just to name a few.
A great rundown on the narcissist!
There are very few safe people out there.
You find the world as you are, not as it is.
@@johnk4934 I disagree with that comment. At 54 y.o. and with tons of therapy due to extreme childhood abuse, I am very self aware, compassionate, and question my interpretations of situations at several levels. However, that being said, because of the abuse, my energy has attracted many unsafe people throughout the years. So, until you have actually met and worked with someone, it is destructive and not constructive to make such a comment. Please check yourself, for being in a position of trust, you could do damage to those who are more vulnerable than myself.
@@johnk4934 In other words, I do feel much more safe in the world at this point in my life, even enough to move abroad completely by myself knowing. no-one where I was going. And I consider myself a very safe person for other people.
@Beeblebrox One You missed my point, lectured me, used foul language in your comment:
having a bad day, or do you walk this world only to make it "better" by disagreement?
Look at her original statement: 'very few safe.' Opinion, which shapes the world she sees. Then you come along, lay into me, to prove your point. Which reinforces hers. But it doesn't: using inappropriately and unnecessarily blunt adjectives to belittle an opinion of someone else...
... let's go with you're having a bad day, and took it out on me, and now you want to do the right thing, as you feel bad, and apologize?
No? You're one of the people warned about in the video?
Okay. My world is still "safe." Are we done here?
I think I am very safe - some people aren't interested in safe.
I need to work on being a better listener 👍
Hey Mark 👋 I had a very serious brain injury when I was a child and I've found that as I've gotten older I have a difficult time concentrating. Sometimes, I find myself cutting people off and changing the subject which is really bad but I don't even know I'm doing it until I've done it 😳 It's like sticking your foot in your mouth 😬 The only thing that has helped, in the past, is reading my Holy Bible. I mean, the more I read it the healthier I am 👍
Carrie Smith - it's so amazing that you're aware of yourself un this way Carrie . Now you can take it to the Lord and practice concentrating better. Don't be hard on yourself either, you'll get better in time 💕
Me too 💗
Nothing is more annoying than telling people someone something just to have them tell you they didn’t know it at a later date especially if it was important.
Carrie Smith you might also tell the person you’re talking to what’s happening and once aware it will be easier to deal with you. When people know you’re working on the problem they will probably help you improve
People who gossip feel massively unsafe; people who shut down emotionally feel unsafe. People who don't hide their vulnerability feel safe.
Want to change a difficult person? Give them 100 units of love. After 50 units you’ll already see >50% improvement.
Thanks for sharing
Some people are very GOOD LISTENERS ... they observe listen make you feel they are empathizing...BUT use this information at a later time against you....they will NEVER ever reveal anything about themselves stay very guarded.
Oh they reveal things... They just have to change story a wee bit... So they are the victim.
I had a “friend” like that. She wanted me to spill everything, but it was like pulling teeth to get her to open up herself.
@@VivKittie32 yeah that's definitely a clear sign of someone stock piling info.. I had same thing with ex but j had a lot going on so it seemed normal for me to talk about it. He was good at first... Then shit just got ridiculous. I told him I was way better than him and we should've never dated much less married.
found this out the hard way. i thought my husband was safe but he isn't. he's not violent or anything but he's NOT safe. he's the victim of narcissistic abuse from his mother (devout christian too) he will never meet her standards, never. i saw it from the very beginning of our relationship. my mistake was believing i could be the one to take her place. to help HIM feel safe, respected, that he mattered and was not a failure or that his hardships were the result of God punishing him for some mysterious sin (she actually believes this.) i listened to all of his problems and shared my own. instead of helping each other move forward he uses MY flawed past, the abuse I suffered from my own family as ammo to make himself feel less flawed. he truly believes he can fix me (i never said I was broken. I never said I needed a savior. I already have one! I never asked for his help.) the worst part is the relationship has broken down and become toxic.
and he runs to mamma with this information because she can fix it. 2019 was the worst year ever. i have never considered divorce until now because I can't stand him and his better than you attitude. he does things to upset me then says its my fault because my family made me too sensitive, that i am projecting, that i cant take a joke, or things would be better if I would just "fill in the blank". for my birthday his mom sent me a book with a title saying something like "its okay to not be okay." which tells me right now he's been running his mouth again.
he's even dragged our dirty laundry out in front of my dad which caused a LOT of problems we didn't need. and it hurts because I have NEVER done that to him. I have gone out of my way to avoid talking about the kind of crap he gets up to, how he judges people and thinks he can solve all your problems with his expert advice.
I have no problem with forgiveness or moving on but I don't see myself moving on with him. I absolutely do not trust him. I have always been a secretive person. my business is MY business. I only share with people I trust....my mistake was trusting him with too much and with the wrong information. I wish now that I had never spoken about my family or my past. I damn sure know better than to talk about it now.
Some times I think about going to counseling because I have no one to talk to. but I still dont believe it will help. the damage is already done. Now I just want to disappear from this life. If I could erase my existence and start over on the other side of the world I would. and I would NOT make these mistakes again. sometimes a listening ear is attached to a running mouth.
@@Hy-Brasil I dated a guy just like this.. I started showing him about narcs and pointing out what his family was doing and he would run his mouth to them or anyone. But he won't mention the fact he's married and has a felony and on probation... Sounds like another guy ruined by his mom. She has his balls and they are together not you two. He won't shut up... You will need to leave. He is gaslighting you also. Manipulative jerk... Ugh too many bitches that should be men. Don't you feel like you have switched rolls?? I did with that mommys boy douche. He lives with her too... Told a friend of mine his parents ruined us... No his lies did. He's clueless.
I pray that God brings me a great friend that I don’t have to be anyone but just feel loved how I am.
Hope he brought you a friend bud!
Me too..need a true friend
They move really fast romantically and they want too many personal details up front.
photoshop girl yup, they come on like a freight train, so you won't see or believe the red flags.
@@reneenordeen9447 My husband took me like Grant took Richmond! I couldn't fight him off mentally, physically or spiritually or any kind of ally, ha!....should have been a warning sign, but I was the perfect target, 17, young and dumb. I had no brothers, and had never dated much, he got my history, formed my perfect soulmate mask, I didn't know which end was up, til it was too late.
I just found out about his sex addiction and cheating (even with my sister, 2 best friends and others, possibly including my oldest daughter) after 46 years of being married to the creep, and he was the best liar I have ever seen. Fooled everyone, he was a minister, by the way.
@@more444store6 ...holy *#×*!
A minister too... Damn.
Damn. I'm so sorry you had to go through such a horrible time. I sure hope you can get counseling and time to heal, time alone to gather yourself and heal your mind and body. It's SO important that you do.
@@reneenordeen9447 I feel like I am a new person, more free now, and in effect being born anew, and the pain of that birth was excruciating. I truly loved his fake mask for a long time. Even though I wasted my youth on him, and the chance to have a real soul mate, that he has stolen, I have more peace now than I have known my whole life long, now that he is gone for good.
Wow, have I learned a life lesson. Why doesn't society talk more about how to avoid these people, they say one out of 7 are narcs. Society needs to be shouting the warnings about these monsters.
One good thing, my daughter who lives in Atlanta has a degree in psychology, and she has really really helped me a lot. You are right, a person does need someone to talk to about it.
I was a part of a fellowship years ago where the people had a lot of the characteristics you mentioned in this video. There was a lot of insensitivity because everyone was trying to live up to a perfect standard, and there was no room for real problems, and there was very little humility or willingness to listen to others. I am a person who wears my heart on my sleeve and have a tendency to be sensitive, and there were many times that certain people in the fellowship tried to boss me around and invalidate my feelings. Everyone there (with the exception of one or two) was trying to make it seem as though they have "arrived", and as a result, no one was willing to grow in knowledge or question some of their ideas. I had many hurtful interactions there. It was strange because we all tried to act like we were there for each other, but in practice, no one really was. At least not on an emotional level. My husband and I ended up being kicked out because we challenged a fundamental Christian doctrine. Instead of hearing my husband out and finding out why he changed his mind, they just booted us. To this day, I still struggle with the ramifications of that response. It's been very difficult. But I do have to say that if I had not been through all of that, I would not be the person I am today. I have learned to listen and be there for people on a level that I never had been before. There have been many hardships in my life since then, and each one of them has just taught me how to listen to others better and be there for them like I've needed someone to be there for me. My husband and I have grown immensely in humility. What you said about how when a person grows, they realize how much they don't know is so so true. That's exactly how my husband have felt over the last 5 years. It makes us a lot less quick to answer than we used to be. I have still not fully healed from the whole ordeal, but I do like who I am better now than I did back then. Also, I have been lucky enough to find a wonderful friend who has really been there for me. We've known each other for two years now, and no one has listened to me like she has. I don't feel like I have to have a filter up at all. It's a breath of fresh air to find that after what I experienced years ago. This was a great video. Thanks for sharing.
I would also add when someone tells you who you are. The fact is, no one really knows us better than ourselves. So when someone says to you, you are this are you are that or you are this way because etc. no one really wants another person summarizing our very being.
Another thing I would add is when someone cannot accept that the best you had to offer today was enough. This is when someone says why don’t you, what you should do is, how come you, if only you would, etc.
And finally, people who try to make you their project to fix as if they’ve got themselves on a more important pedestal of sorts. It’s as if they are the only ones who have wisdom as if looking down their high and mighty nose makes them superior to you.
I have experienced these three things in my own family of people who were not good at relating to one another and who were tone deaf to how they came across.
I have experienced the first one. Like they assumed they could read my mind. No, actually they argued with me about what I was thinking! Who assumes they know your thoughts? Now that is destructive for sure! Because that gives them authorization to reprimand you for what they assume you are thinking.
Well said!!
LinYouToo
I'm confused?! It sounds like you're describing an empath. I wish I had people that cared enough to want to help fix my life. Or maybe, I misunderstood and you're referring to a person who's controlling.
Iris Pedro Thanks for your comment. When I think of an empath, I think of someone who can dial right into someone and share their experience. Sometimes we can actually feel their feelings. Sometimes I can get choked up listening to a friends very sad story or situation. It’s feeling and experiencing at a whole new level. It’s pretty easy for me to give that to another person. I only have a few people in my life who can actually witness my pain and experience without immediately offering solutions. Sometimes all we really want is to be seen and heard and understood. When I say making someone else our project to fix, I am referring to someone who crosses boundaries inappropriately instead of staying on their side of the fence. I used to have a friend who is like this. She did everything she could to get me to become her. She even wanted to convert me to her religion. For Christmas she gave me a Bible and other religious items. Then she told me where her church was in my neighborhood. Then she would text me daily affirmations. Then I got a religious calendar. I’m not anybody’s project to fix and I certainly don’t want to be controlled that way. When I let her know I needed her to step back, she blew a fit. So yes, it can be a control issue. It can also be projection. When someone is projecting who they are and what they believe in onto another person. That’s not healthy. None of that is healthy. Finally, for my friends who need care, consideration, and support, I’m all in. But I first have to know what support looks like to them so I don’t overstep their boundaries or mine. Only then can I support them in a way that is healthy for both of us.
@@LinYouToo
Oh, I understand now.
Thanks for taking the time to explain it better for me.
I can be slow at getting the point sometimes. 🙃
As a Christian, I HATE those Christian cliches. So dismissive and often not even Biblically or contextually accurate.
This video was very helpful, not only in identifying relationally unsafe people but also for identifying a couple habits in my own life that I need to fix to be safer for others.
Outstanding Ashley!
I agree Ashley - praying that God will continue to show me true Christian fellowship. what I thought was home church seems now manmade religious self righteous place = so ready for a real Christian church as in Christ' living church not a building to go to where people are always operating on shallow levels - the 'quick answers' and the 'listening' - I listen actively but often find others cut across when speaking, apart from a few close friends, people mean well they want to find an answer but just listening is so much better than trying to fix everything.
Agreed! While watching the video, I applied some of the points to others and to myself. I noticed there are a few things I can work on.
All we can do is be open to have a hearing Mind & Heart
Unfortunately, it has become a dumping ground for people to act & do to others...
So, It really takes a Heathy Heart, Soul & Mindset to hear these difficult challenges of people@times
Great info 👍🏽
I hate to say it, but most Christians are like this. I guess I’m still a Christian if God would still have me, but I had to go get help outside of church and Christian circles it was so bad (2 religious narc parents and a high range covert narc church elder/mentor where I volunteered) and of course, many other narcs and a lot of bullying in my life (because I was groomed for it and it’s a vicious cycle). It’s even tough to find help in the psych profession when you’re dealing with something like malignant narcissists. And esp since a lot of narcs flock to Christianity to have a good cover and to find such loving and giving victims and prey. Like I said. Hate to say it, but it’s true. I trust no one anymore, Christian or not, until they prove themselves to me. Too many Christians prancing about as wolves in sheep’s clothing imo and even more people than that drinking their sick kool aid and either wittingly or unwittingly doing their bidding. There is no start to any healing without true validation tho. That’s when I got a LOT less picky about anyone’s religious beliefs. Beggars can’t be choosers.
If the person you are dealing with has all these attributes in one, you may be dealing with a narcissist.
Thanks for this. It's an eye opener for me because I see some of these things in myself. Wow. Time to make some changes.
You are talking about covert pathological narcissists.
Lisa Schofield Yes and No. Some people in my life have these characteristics because they are immature /ignorant but have great potential. God looks beyond our faults to see the needs.
@@melanieevans4143 some people want to stay the same and don't want to mature.
BINGO!!!
well put....I think in today's vernacular it's called gas lighting ....lol..I let those people go too...thanks
Gaslighters make u think ur crazy in ur opinions and coverts are the victim narcissistic people I would say these folks are just more me centric self centered but yes overall terrible listening skills are often the first big red flag for me
They don’t care about your opinions at all or your likes .... it’s all about them.....
When someone uses their posture, tone and volume of voice to make you freeze like a scared bunny? 🐰
Your video is on point. My mother is “unsafe”. Her personality was traumatizing to me as a child, so much that I became an alcoholic. So grateful that I am sober (10 years) and that I am healing. In order to deal with her and people like her, I set up boundaries which includes limited contact. Thank you for a much needed video.
I just learned a lot about myself after watching this
Hey Mark!! Don't know if you'll see this or not... but I just wanted to say you've changed my life, thank you so much!! I've been watching all your videos, and I've listened to exposing the rejection mindset 3times now, took me a while to get through it the first time because it was really intense for me, tears all the time!! But now I am able to actually sit down and study it properly. I've written down all the questions, and I answer what I am able to each day, in more and more detail, and I must say, I'm gaining much more clarity and I know myself better now than I ever have before. It's funny, you literally say in this video, unsafe people give compliments too fast before becoming friends!! Haha sorry for that, I feel like I know you as a friend because I have listened to your word speaking God's words, for hours and hours now!! I also have recorded some of your prayers, and listen to them each morning and night. Sorry for how long this comment is, I really just wanted to reach out to you, and just say with all my heart THANK YOU!!!!! Your work helping people is phenomenal, I'm so grateful God has you on his side. I'm also starting to go through some of your courses online as well. I want to help people like you do. Please feel free to contact me, I'd love to talk to you :) thank you for your work, sending you and your AMAZING wife all the love :) blessings to you xoxoxoxo
Nicole this note here made my day! It makes everything I've had to process through so worthwhile...to see how it has impacted your life. It's an honor and I'm so glad to know you are soaking truth into your heart. Amazing! Keep it up!
@@marktdejesus Thank you for replying :) It's so cool to hear from you :D Yes, it hasn't been very long that I've been following you, but it's honestly changed my life already, I can't wait for the future :) thank you so much for being strong and courageous all of the times you were called to be, because now because of you, I have been transformed :) Thank you xoxo and I might add, it's specifically what YOU have been through, and the way God works through YOU that has allowed this understanding for me. I've been to church lots, and read many books, but nothing has transformed my life like your teachings have.
I have also been able to use what I have learned from you to help speak God's love to my family members as well in ways that they need it the most, and I'm often quoting exactly the way you explain things, because you have such a gift of getting it to make sense. There are a few cues and things you say that show me you have walked it out. You're my inspiration, and I know once I am completely free from the chains of the past, I will be able to help so many people from what you have done :) the ripple effects from you is going to be bigger than you know :)
One day maybe I'll come to a class you actually are teaching!!! That would be so cool :) if you ever do a Mark DeJesus tour of Australia, please let me know!
What a great talk. Thanks so much. A safe friend and I just finished reading and going thru the workbook of Cloud and Townsend’s Safe People. Happy to say my healing and recovery journey these last 10 years finally made me a safe person.
The first 3 of these points are unfortunately also traits of people on the Autism spectrum. Not because Autistic are unsafe, but just because the brain is wired differently and social behaviour is not instinctual.
Chevron Lily I don’t accept what u said all the way lol I have high functioning autism and is a great listener, I have the shoulders of many people, but i understand what ur trying to say to each their own
#resistblueisis Aiken county is corrupt!
I have # 2& 10 I also once thought Autism but what you are saying is what actually happened. Makes sense now to me. Thanks!
Also intent...and it’s true Narcissistic Personality Disorder a spectrum.
Sapphire Sky exactly! Intent is a huge piece.
Very good point! I know a child who has zero empathy and breaks my daughters, who is also on the high functioning spectrum, heart! It’s a part the the spectrum...I often wonder if she is even aware of what she does!
Another trait is she will only play with one friend at a time...I think anxiety is a huge factor in that too...so she will single out one person and they will run around and make the other child feel singled out and she will say things like you can’t play with us...it makes me so mad it’s all I can do not to blow up on her!!!
I never show my vulnerability. Life has taught me it’s how people decide to manipulate.
The trick is to find people who earn it. Only through vulnerability can we find connection, and only through connection can we feel whole (if it is to ourselves, to our non-human surroundings, or to other people). Listen or read Brené Brown. Her work is deeply moving and true.
yup
One-way relationships is unhealthy. Will they ever get it right?
One way relationship that one doesn't realize is one way is the most time taking. Mercy. Really need mercy. I need to form other relationships and this will help me navigate.
No!
It would be a good topic for you. My experience. The lazy narc. Never worked or provided all of what we, me and my daughter needed. The harder I worked the less he did. I hear so many topics of the husband is breadwinner and withheld finances. My marriage was the polar opposite. His sense of entitlement was grossly elevated. And he was jealous of me and my work ethic. He was emotional, verbal, mental and financial abuser. Is there a video you’ve talked about this situation. And I am now divorced. Happiest I’ve ever been!!
I had a senior pastor like this. I pray and hope for deliverance upon her.
The fact that your pastor is a "her" is the first problem....
@@kwpp7 yeet
Women should never be pastors...
Wow. Hope you looked for another church?
Safe people don’t push their beliefs on others, especially when they’re vulnerable.
Oh lord, being a fixer and problem solver is draining... I admit that I am actually learning and determined to become a wonderful and active listener so I will have a good relationship
Gerri Miller sounds positive
I dont tryvto fix other people OR fix other people's problems. But in most cases when it's someone who is having "medical" issues with their health and its directly related to their diet and poor lifestyle habits I will share a youtube link, website link documentary , book title or some other peice of information they can go research on their own and figure it it out themselves. Only problems is the people I have felt with who I have done this (and job I didnt do only this I did also listen to them many times without sharing anything, in between) for, really only wanted me to feel sorry for them, and didnt really care about fixing their own problems because they wanted to feel validated that THEY were right ,and wanted to hear what THEY wanted to hear (oh you poor thing ,your doing nothing wrong ") When in reality they needed to take more responsiblity for the problems they were causignvthemselves. When you have known someone for many years, and they consider you a friend thr two people should be able to be open and honest about kind hearted, tactful replies and criticizing them ,when nessisary in a loving way. You cant always just give hugs and lie to them and tell them everything is okay because they are doing everythignvright,if they are not. And you should also be able to take the same criticism from them as well. As true friends. When people cant do this it shows me they have mental or emotional issues or are,just using me and not a true friend.
Gerri Miller as someone with a top strength as restorative ( the fixer) the best explantion of listening to someone from the school of life explained it all in a way that pointed out I was simply fixing the wrong problem. The actual problem is that “no body can imagine themselves in my life and it feels so lonely”. That problem we can fix by holding space for some one and compassionately listing. Def get learning about EQ for sure.
Amen!A
greeable with this statement!this is a plus!
All lovely responses🧚🏼♀️we are learning things every day to be manipulated or a door mat 🧘♂️
Loved the description of church folk tossing off sound bits and putting a bow on the package...instead of listening. Experienced that as being shaming as a child in the church trying to get a answers, and help. Gave up asking. Took the abuse that was happening because I didn't want any more catch phrases.
7:04...cliches
Wow, there is a huge need out there for this type of advice!!! Lifeadvice101
`Guess the key is to have one's own identity secured relationally in Christ; not just "making nice" but really being relational and having our self, secure in Christ as the one who designed & made us, as well as restored to His intention..
For the rest: it's a good checklist/ filter list; but there's also the place not to exclude someone with few or many of these tendencies; -sometimes it can be our place to, perhaps, ask a question that makes them aware of these habits, and perhaps allow them to see, and work on their own journey, while not becoming stuck by them or with them, or become vulnerable to them. When we've got a decent perspective, dropping a hint or two their way can be a gift they'd not expected, and may take time to recognize later. No need to fix them completely, but not eliminate them or use this construct to block / shun or excuse ourselves from loving in ways that we can and should, when & where appropriate
This has opened my eyes and heart to the flaws within myself hard truth but much needed on how I have related to others in the past and now my journey forward is to work on myself so I can have a better relationship with God and who he brings into my life for friendship
9 and 10 narc qualities. Not always a narc behind them. But red flags need to be observed.
They love you too fast without knowing you
It’s calked strategic humility. But if you do this then someone uses that to cut you down. That’s a huge sign. Get away.
Yes very true re not self aware or wanting to be self aware. Dangerous
Agreed
This opened my eyes to some areas of weakness in myself. This is so good!
Good Points. Many people are Like that when they are Just Born again, i know a lot WHO are still Like that, when they are many years" Christians". Iam The Same, but i can See The Progress GOD blessed me with, and He tells me all The time ,i should have Love with Others, that Most Missing Objekt. If WE all Loved each Other, WE Had more healing. I try to Set my Line and be Kind and honest to Others, with HIS Help. Colossians 3 IS really helpful. God Bless you all
*People who do not acknowledge the wrong they’ve done, and don’t work to change. Apologizing with no change is pointless.
So this is like 50% of people.
I work with children on the spectrum. So I wonder how this works with them as they become adults. They learn skills to be aware. But catching social skills is difficult. It’s not they don’t care it’s just difficulty. I don’t want them to consider unsafe when there heart is in the right place.
I do some of these things deliberately to get people to not like me because I like being by myself. I’m an empath and I absorb other peoples emotions .so to be around people that are highly emotional really agitates me and I’ve learned that
Wow! I I realize that I'm not safe. Gotta fix me.
Wow. Thank you. I love how is Christians are rising and using our gifts and skills to help others. Your book fully describes the journey I am working on right now and I will get your book! God brought my attention to your video. Our God is good! Thank you.
That's so great Tiffany! Thanks for the encouraging words.
I look at these videos to see if I have any of these traits in order to keep myself in check. Worth more than all the self help books out there.
Thats amazing David, great to see!
So true, I don't like cliches and I don't like Christian cliches because I'm a disciple of Christ as a Christian and Christ never used cliches, He reasoned, He analyzed, listened with intent, etc.
👏👏 Good point.
I've never found a safe person. I don't know how 😭
Alex LG geesh that is really sad. Check out WimHof. Try not saying never/always.
God bless you Alex. Just seek after Him and He will make a way for you.
Right there with you, or if I did find one years ago, I messed up the relationship with my own pain.
@@lindaclark5911 Really? You had to correct when Alex was being vulnerable? Maybe you should listen to the video again. Alex, I am so sorry. I have no idea what you have been through, but Jesus loves you, and he is always safe.
@@lindaclark5911 how about you don't tell someone what words to say and not say? They're probably an adult and can say what they want. Not the time or place for micromanaging other people's language
I can relate to this personally being unsafe and also coming across unsafe people. When I was a new believer I was very unsafe God was still working on my heart. but now that I'm mature in my faith and my walk with Jesus, I see the unsafe people in a lot of circumstances. I think churches sometimes are the problem with this. when you get saved or join they invite you down and they treat you like they're your super best friend really fast really hard they want to know all your personal information,where you live where you work. they invite you into their homes and it's like they're your best friend forever within the first 48 to 72 hours. but then you start to realize that a lot of people that are still broken and they're hurting and they have motives. the truth of it relationships they take time like you stated. Now if someone tries to be my best friend real fast or I'm just the best person on Earth real fast 99% of the time that is a short tale sign that someone is relationally unsafe and they're dangerous or they're still being worked on. And lastly when you tell someone hey I think this relationship is moving too fast and they get mad and angry and they try to speed it up, still that is a sure-tale sign that someone is really dangerous. thanks for your RUclips video God bless
This is an EXCELLENT video. Such important work, keep up this valuable sharing of information.
1. They gossip about others
2. They are envious of you and do not share your happiness when good things come your way.
Thank you for this. Even having experienced the unsafeness of certain people, I constantly expected myself to handle unsafe behavior in others like a punching bag for horrible abuse.
So glad it was helpful!
My daughter is always trying to fix me. I am a selfish mother and I don't think of others feelings. So she says!!
When they get a glint in their eye, or a particular little lift to their speech when you tell them something unfortunate about yourself. Schadenfreud? I suppose that is what you'd find with anyone who is highly narcissistic.
Schadenfreude is so true for people who are disingenuous, yes they get pleasure during your hardships, so obviously 🙄 fake 😏, wop-wop-womp!😡Don’t tell them anything pretty much🤨
Loving is good recommendation 💕
Thank you for this video. It was a blessing. May God transform us all to be more like Christ. God bless you
Thanks so much Riya!
OH my. I'm a fixer. :(
You are describing a narcissist.
Physically bump into you and run into you by accident, yet dont acknowledge what they did by saying "excuse me". Not physically self-aware of running through my boundaries.
Their behavior is inconsistent - for example: one who is syrupy sweet and always trying to please/engage you but is rude and demanding of wait staff, clerks, etc.. These people are also generally very impatient, disrespectful, and aggressive drivers - prone to road rage
What happens if you cant find anyone safe to be around.
Sarah Bouta I have been there, you might be having some trust issues. Maybe you had some trauma and you need to give yourself time. I have been there. You will heal and try to get back out there. :)
Good question . . .
And good luck to you. 💐💛
The Lord is the safest. Lol just saying! He's all I need.
I'm there now Sarah. You talk to the Lord daily. Ask Him to give you a true friend. Maybe He wi maybe He wont. Either way, if you have Jesus you have all you need. It does stink to be alone though on your journey
@@adoptada12 Better to be alone than with evil, manipulative users.
On point!
Blamers. Ridiculing everybody. Critical. Criticism about everybody else.
Really excellent.
I think one is a overall “ feeling” of confusion uneasiness not believing them.
That they exaggerate
GREAT VIDEO
Great video. When someone intentionally invalidates you or your feelings. Red flag
Those first three signs are true, but understand that some people are in a growth pattern themselves. Give them a chance to repent before you cut them off.
ANYTHING REPETATIVE NEEDS TO GO..IT HAS NO GROWTH IT LOOPS ON NEGATIVE AGENDAS THAT BRING NO JOY OR PEACE..GROWTH OREINTED PEOPLE DONT HAVE TIME TO SPEND ON THOSE WHO CANT ..NO GROWTH IS DEATH...JOHN 3;16 BE VESTED IN THE HOLY SPIRIT TO GUIDE YOUR PATH...
EXACTLY. The Lord has really worked in my husband. He is Mediterranean and his family talks a lot and doesnt listen we!l. He's working on it. And we both had emotional issues but God still loves us and recently brought to kur attention that my mom has narcissistic personality disorder and was the source of a lot of our issues. Im glad we didnt give up on each other.
Bart...
It seems like you're hurting. All i can say is that change and growth.takes a long time. Go health patient God is with me, and I think God expects me to try and have that same patients but the people around me
Good news! Narcissists never truly repent so you can cut them off without guilt. They will gladly take all the chances you give them and throw them back in your face.
@@bartakin well said and so VERY VERY true
1. They are not self aware.
2. They don't have a respect for your relational boundaries.
3. They are terrible listeners.
4. They are not vulnerable.
5. They point out the flaws in others, but never reveal their own.
6. They talk about the brokeness and failures of others, with harsh criticism and judgment.
7. They spend most of their conversations talking about themselves.
8. They give quick answers to everything.
9. TOO MUCH TOO SOON.
10. They put unhealthy expectations on you.
It took me a long time to realize it. I became friends with a woman that was a psychopath I wasn't aware of the warning signs until it was too late. Now I am aware of warning signs now and to go with my gut feelings.
Wow! Psychopath! Scary!
@@miragepeter8412 believe me you don't want to deal with those types of women they are EXTREMELY dangerous
@@ranmasaotome5162
I hear you. Sorry you had to experience it.
@@miragepeter8412 thank you that means a lot
Im not relationally safe because I look at most people I meet as temporary because I feel like something is always missing so I prepare myself to only know them a short period of time nothing too deep.
Not even the people who are family fulfill the list let alone strangers. Just psychos are out there apparently.
Your video is great. I enjoyed it very much, and it's a wonderful tool for relationships and getting to know others. Many thanks.
Thank you so much Nicholas!
THIS IS 75 PERCENT OF PEOPLE.
You are a very wise, self aware individual with a strong heart and mind connection. Good bless!
Very kind of you, thanks Shannon!
Your welcome.
Man. My parents are all of these. ALL. Yet they want to demand relationship and wonder why we’re not “close” ugh.
I thought according to Corinthians, wherein we have been comforted, we can comfort others, going thru the same thing.
I relistened, you weren’t referring to ppl who after listening attentively, then you can give your experience.
Yes, powerful Scripture. We do need to learn how to do that in an effective way.
freetobeme I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.
Totally agree. I had to learn the hard way. 😖
Uplifting building UP BANDAIDS work for complainers & Ridiculers. THey Need loving words!
I'm not healthy mentally enough for a relationship. I'm not sure how I'm perceived by others. Ugh!
@@yourbore your kindness and thoughtfulness of others is noted.
Give your heart to Jesus
Start with the repentance you've already stated but say it to God. Believe He hears your prayers and ask Him to come into your life, to actually become a living sacrifice as He sacrificed himself for us. Read your bible and find a good God fearing church
Start slow. With friendship not romance. Choose somebody who is emotionally stable and socially competent. Then don't demand too much of their time. But appreciate whatever they offer you.
Carla Austin I care too Carla, we all go through stuff and we all want to be understood. Be true to yourself and as always don't feed the trolls
The best relationship is? A good relationship with yourself. This took me a long time, because I lost myself in childhood. I never thought; the key was ME.. Don't give up!👍
We are all damaged in a way. Let a lone "perfect".. 😂
I don't know exactly how RUclips recommended this for me but it's cool that it did. I agree with all of these points. If more people were self aware, life would be easier in ways. But, we know where we are. This is a wonderful video!
I found a relationship to be unsafe in that whatever I said was ignored and everything had to be the other person's way. In another relationship the person seemed to always be disappointed in me. I was too late, too happy, too hungry, too willing, too whatever. In other words I wasn't good enough. There were unspoken expectations on the other person's part that I could not live up to. I dropped that one when I realized that no matter what I did or who I was it would never live up to what they wanted. With both these people I might as well had not been at all. That was the end of that, and I'm perfectly ok with this. : )
Yes, how dare we have needs or opinions
Hum, ....interesting. I can see myself in a couple of those signs, yet I endeavor to be self aware these days.
Also, I talk quite alot: the perception is I am not listening, yet I am. Also, I am open & connect real fast w people I relate to, but I do endeavor to observe, as well as respect personal boundaries. I will reflect on Mr. Dejesus' comments. Hum....perception is another's reality :) mmw54
Mildred you are a beautiful person, and I can totally relate to everything you say! 🤣 😘 👌
Awww so sweet the narcissists are soothing each other’s egos
Kind of related to number 7: if someone has to keep telling you how much of a great person they are, they probably aren’t. At the same time, if someone tells you they’re bad news, believe them.
We have to really purpose in our heart to be a good listener and it takes practice. Love always thinks more highly of others than self.
not in a co dependency way.
Yes, agreed!
Okay. Well, I’ve been realizing that I need to seek God’s life and read the word more to gain Him. Only in Him can I/we truly have the discernment how to speak, what to speak, when to speak, and not speak anything but just pray.
Aww, Amen! I commented and prayed for you after seeing one of your earlier post. This post is such a praise report! Thank you for sharing!
Thanks!
Great information! This sounds like a lot of "devout" Christians" I grew up with...I got away....but thanks for identifying them as "unsafe"! Lol
11) they quote scripture (out of context) to "fix" your problem, 12) they tell you that you're "needy" when you communicate your struggles.
Every time I listen to your videos I feel that my heart is being washed. I live in a small town in Finland and found your page by looking for an answer to a question: Why can't I believe God loves me..He really does but I can't receive it. My heart is filled with rejection and hurt..I am really grateful for these videos.
I'm so encouraged in reading your comment
They are either narcissists or have a personality disorder. Run...don't walk.
Every person healing from any type of trauma, NEEDS TO HEAR THIS!
Don’t get involved with emotionally unstable people
God can change these behaviors he did for me!
That’s good to hear. Much of the research says that these behaviors can’t be treated. But I believe when you give yourself to Christ old things become new and even the narcissistic can be changed
@@SA-tx2kl 100%