12 Phrases Emotionally Intelligent People Don't Use
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- Опубликовано: 31 май 2024
- When people lack Emotional Intelligence (EQ) they say things that leave others scratching their heads. "Did I just hear you say that?" Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter lists 12 common phrases you might hear from such a person as he guides you toward a more enlightened way to communicate with others.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars.
Books by Dr. Carter: store.bookbaby.com/book/When-...
www.amazon.com/When-Pleasing-...
www.amazon.com/Anger-Trap-You...
Dr. Carter's online workshops on narcissism, anger management, and overcoming infidelity: drlescarter.com/video-workshops/
While Dr. Carter does not conduct online counseling, he has vetted a group who can assist: betterhelp.com/drcarter
'Your face I may forget, but your kindness, never...' - Old Irish saying.
Six months of no contact AND NO TEARS!!! I've got my life back.
yea!!!
Wonderful!, Marilyn
Marilyn Kaster Good fo r you! I am getting there ..... 9 months on my own and I am finding myself, without him. And I like me again.
Good for you!
Well done
Self-awareness is a beautiful thing.
It's the gift that keeps on giving!
What I hate the most " sorry to make you feel that way" or, don't take it personally " while you know that it is personal
Agree, also:
“No disrespect, but …”
✔
@@Nyx773 ✔
I no longer tolerate people apologizing to me for MY feelings. So narcissistic 🙄🙄🙄
Lol. good one
One of the hardest thing for people to learn is "other people are not me".
Great point. Follow that up with "I do not (and cannot) know everything, and neither do you" and that's a foundation for real communication and seeking objective truth
I agree. One of my favorite reminder is that. Most people don't think like us.
Beth that is one of the most intelligent things I have read on the Internet is a very long time. I wish more people would take this to heart!
@@icecubes9056 because of the existence of anger, confrontations and arguments
100% agree
Emotional abuse can be the worse kind..
Yes because nobody see it! Only the victim.
And it comes in floodsize amounts before physical abuse
Broken bones can mend, skin can heal, but emotional abuse strikes you in your soul, and is much, much harder to heal.
Have you ever experienced real physical torture? Seriously, would you soon have someone say mean things to you or have your leg sawed off slowly? Take your pick. Something tells me that you'd opt for the nasty words.
Sean Evertts we gatekeeping trauma now???
I have mild Asperger's. Most of these, I've always known are hurtful, so I never say them. But I've never known what I SHOULD say. So I just say nothing, and relationships deteriorate.
There is hope for you buddy. :). I'm not a psychologist but I am wondering if you can use the internet to discover a few easy social tactics that you can sort of keep handy. I have a dear nephew with Asperger's. We have found some common interests (like nature and wilderness) For us that has helped. He is such a great person and i am lucky to have him in my life.
I bet there are some tools that would work well for you. I hope that you find a few and enjoy some good relationships. be well. :)
I used to be sensitive towards the feelings of others and people felt safe with me, but I don't want that any more. I've become used to being alone almost all the time and I've come to enjoy being able to do what I want to do, when and how I want to do it. Therefore, I have decided there are a whole lot of people that I'd rather not have to deal with at all, regardless of the consequences.
Yes, Gus has high EQ. He's a keeper. As Mark Twain so wisely said, "The more I get to know people, the better I like my dog."
I have a sign that reads, "The more I know men, the more I like my cat." I have two cats. I haven't dated in 10 years.
@@susancavey3484 hahaha, meow, bark bark!
This was also said in the mid-19th century by a German (Prussian) statesman who stated: "Now that I know mankind, I prefer the company of my dog."
The problem with regards to emotions is that here is western culture they are considered to be a evolutionary mistake and what makes people bad so then people don't want to learn about what they are and before you know it you have a entie culture of people who are at war in denial about what is basically an essential part of the human existence low emotional intelligence is not a human thing its a cultural thing its taught I personally think its what causes duality it also makes people extremely easy to govern emotionally intelligent peoples are not so much
*Love* ♥️ that one !
🐾🐾
My mother always told me I was too sensitive until I finally replied to this no mom I am not too sensitive this family is not sensitive enough.
Same with my mother. Once I told her I was feeling emotionally abused and she said she’d show me “abuse...”🤨
Lauren Miller omg 🤦🏻♀️😔
Yeah, that was one of my family's favorite phrases. That and, "You're an alarmist."
Why do you think that you can effect someone else’s bad behavior? You can only control how you interact.
Lauren Miller , sounds exactly like my mother!
For convenience:
02:22 - why can't you just...
02:33 - you're going to do WHAT?
03:06 - ok, if that's what you want to think
03:45 - I had no other choice
04:43 - how do you think I'm supposed to feel?
05:05 - what's wrong with you?
05:29 - if you can believe THAT
06:13 - everything is great, RIGHT?
07:01 - well, aren't you just being sensitive
07:30 - nobody says THAT to me
08:15 - this would never have happened if you...
08:58 - stop it! Just stop it!
10:08 - that reminds of a time when I...
10:45 - why should I even bother with you?
Thank you!
Thank you 🙏🏼
Thanks, saved 12 min of life
Thank you 🤗
Thank you
You can't change others , this is the hardest life lesson , no matter how much you try and seem to love them ..so change your way of looking at people and stop needing them to be more than they are .
This
It took me 4 months to realize that.
My fucking brothher wont change and its fucking me up but better xontinue with MY life
If he doesnt wanna change and ruins his, ill go to sleep knowing i offered him help more rhab enough times
How about "GET OVER IT!" when someone is dealing with depression? Possibly the worst thing to say.
It's GREAT advice. Just get over it.
@must hang sally See? That's yer problem. Negative attitude. Nobody can help you but you.
@must hang sally Why? Because sometimes depressed people can be overwhelming.
Not just depression, but poverty, not reaching a goal, and health, etc.
Or "This too shall pass" when you're grieving a loss".... "No s***, but I'm right in the middle of it!" is what I told someone.
"Look what you made me do" is a phrase that demonstrates an inability to take responsibility.
Yes Tee. Another one is "You left me no choice" when they could've just chosen not to!
One of the first things I was taught as a teacher was “No child gives you the permission to be upset, only you can do that.” And it taught me so much for my adult experiences. No one can make you do anything , your emotions and actions from those are all your own .
@@leigh8253 Indeed. We may not be able to control what happens to us, but we are totally in control of how we respond to it. Until we acknowledge this fact to ourselves, and make it the core tenet of our personal armory, we are merely progressing through life in a dis-empowered state of being.
taylor swift: 👁️👄👁️
My horrible narc ex boyfriend, used to say that his 7yo son made him go off and lose his temper. Aside from The fact his son was a good little boy, I used to think how does a 7yo make you do anything?
"People dont care how much you know, they want to know how much you care". I dont know who said it, but I live by these words daily!.
In the dating world,* it's how much you have*.
I think it's attributed to Theodore Roosevelt.
@@jimmyfleetwood1118 then I won't be dating you if that is what you believe 🙂 I care about how honest, loving, and genuine someone is. Money is waaaaaaay down my list!
Edit: My apologies as I may have misunderstood you post.
Nowadays it only matters what's in it for them irrespective of what you say!
Wow, you hit the nail on the head, Lynn!
Another phrase is " you can handle it" when you know they mean do what I tell you even if it puts you in harm's way
Sounds like a family gathering at my house
Hahaha! This is the funniest comment section yet on one of Dr. Carter's much appreciated videos.
My father would discuss topics like that; hed start with "oh I dont know about that" then dispute or argue points 🤔...
Throw in some booze, and this was Thanksgiving at my house growing up.
R we siblings???
You have the loveliest family.
About like mine. Just lovely.
So pleasant to be around.
I'm so looking forward to seeing them again somewhere around 2525.
Number 11: when my mother unexpectedly died, I called a friend and told her my mom died and I was in shock. Her response was "My mom's going to die some day, too." Can you believe that response?
She's part of the reason I am watching this series. We've stayed friends but I'm ready to end the friendship
She’s not your friend.
Everyone dies , it's best just to understand that death isn't necessarily a bad thing. Things need to die so other things can live. This includes people too.
@@jeandarnell1531 hopefully you ditched her.
Also. Sounds like she's afraid of death and can't cope.
Show empathy. Not facts.
I equate a lot of this to what I have learned as a recovering alcoholic. There is physical sobriety, and the development of my emotional sobriety. One of my first sponsors had a simple formula for speaking with others. "Is it true, is it kind, and is it necessary"? In other words, have I paused just long enough to consider those three things, before flapping my lips? Having that awareness is a big part of sobriety. Otherwise, I'm just a dry drunk.
Indeed putting the drink down after hitting my rock bottom was the easy part. Learning to live without any mind alterring substances. Learning to be responsible and accountable I can now see my behaviours using the spiritual tools.
I enjoy Les' down-to-earth approach, as he's very humble yet very informative. He's someone that I implicitly would trust.
Thank you so much for reminding me off to 3 truce in emotional sobriety I heard them before in my own sobriety but it's nice to be really connected with them so have a great day and I wish you kindness and wellness bless you
T-H-I-N-K
True
Helpful
Insightful
Necessary
Kind
The 3 Gates!! Very True! Thanks for reminding Recovering Addict...sometimes I can't hit the pause button...Do I want to be part of the problem or part of the solution?...lol..Day at a time! Thank You My Friend 😎💜🌞☮🙏
1. 02:22 Why can't you just / You're going to do what?!
2. 03:07 Ok, if that's what you want to think.
3. 03:45 I had no other choice.
4. 04:42 How do you think I'm supposed to feel?
5. 05:32 If you can believe that.
6. 06:14 Everything is great, right?
7. 07:03 Well, aren't you just being sensitive?
8. 07:35 Nobody says that to me.
9. 08:16 This would never have happened if you had..
10. 09:00 Stop it! Just Stop it!
11. 10:08 That reminds me of a time when I...
12. 10:49 Why should I even bother with you?
Ironically, posting that kind of crap is a perfect example of why you shouldn't be watching this video. It is all about you isn't it? If we don't want to watch it it's on us. Sheesh.
Thanks for that Beckala67 :)
@Jan Williamson there ya go.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
So if a friends says they are gonna sell everything buy a sailboat and sail around the world, even though they have never been on a sailboat. I’m not to say “your gonna do what? “. Or a fellow says I’m gonna rob a bank, so I’m not supposed to say “why don’t you consider getting a job?”. Thank you for recording the list. I use some of these phrases, so I guess I’m emotionally not intelligent. It seems strange that if I don’t use these phrases that I’m automatically more emotionally intelligent. Doesn’t context play a roll? Don’t we all count on our friends to keep us from bad ideas that would harm us? Like a pretty girl that is drunk walking to a biker bar in a bad neighborhood? Shouldn’t a friend say” your going to do what? God bless.
"Aren't you being sensitive?" is a pretty snarky way of dismissing someone's feelings.
Most of the examples weren't too offensive, unless correcting. Someones mistake is wrong. But you're example is extremely insulting- because, as you said, it invalidates the emotions someone feels, by extension invalidating that persons entire being.
The only exception would be mistaken information leading someone to those emotions. But in that case, you're not dismissing another persons perspective, you're informing it.
“You’re imagining things.” Is another one and “That’s not the way it happened.” Or my very favorite when they are wrong and you confront them, “Why are you living in the past?” I need resolution, that’s how I am. When people hurt my feelings, (whether or not they believe I’m “too sensitive “ because, yes, some of us EMPATHS are more sensitive.) I do expect them to take accountability and APOLOGIZE. If we all lived the a Golden Rule, we would have Paradise on earth. Unfortunately we are not all willing or capable yet.
My parents never actually said that, but I interpreted the phrases that were used as meaning: any feelings, except those we consider to be appropriate, aren't worth talking about/hearing about/dealing with.
My in-laws do this all the time. lol Even when I was pregnant; or they would use my pregnancy as an excuse for my reactions even when I would be as upset if not pregnant. I thought they were "normal" compared to my family so I did feel I was being too sensitive until over time I realised that behavior caused my husband to have a lot of issues (so he told me), and we both have troubled families. I didn't need to hinder my feelings because they were too uncomfortable with them.
I will remember to say that next time that happens.
Instead of offering an apology, the offender will say "I'm sorry you feel that way". That's a way of being both dismissive and NOT apologizing.
Apologies are for correcting negligent actions or comments. If someone doesn't like a righteous action or comment, that is no cause for an apology.
One has to be careful of mind reading. Sometimes people actually mean what they say.
Don't forget the ever-popular "I will pray for you." I know a few religious nuts who believe they hold a special inside track.
You guys are just too sensitive. paying attention to very trivial matters.
Oh gosh, I just broke one of the rules...
But, dang, you can get over it...
Oh shit, I broke another one
Anyway, what was I supposed to do??
My emotional intelligence is so wanting I've mistakenly hurt your feelings.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
@@rr7firefly I hate that one about praying for someone. But if you're an atheist there's thang I know that will surprise you
"You do you" , i heard this response from one nurse to another when asking which room to put me in. I just thought 'wow, this must be a crappy place to work' and felt bad for my nurse.
This is one of my extreme pet peeves too! I get that people want you to be free and are perhaps resisting the urge to be a control freak if not avoid being too persuasively aggressive even in a good way. It just makes me feel dismissed on my intentions to be both free spirited and compassionate to others bravely.
I’ve luckily had an experience with two female dentists that talked to me thoughtfully while my mouth was sealed shut, it was very heartwarming to overhear them have empathy and no judgement for me while I could not speak. And you don’t just want your leaders or romantic partners to be this way either. Always look for the seed of equivalent benefit all through even expecting the best of others, and it will spread encouraging influence like a charm.
Besides I never liked growing up with everyone telling me what mattered or didn’t, and I certainly hated being seen as selfish (even if I was irresponsible). Because the way I see it, I deliberately wish people cared about even the things they don’t realize I love them for trying to.
When someone dies, "He's in a better place".
Ugh - I know. Like grief has ever been about the one who left.
Sure! That’s wonderful for him. Of course that’s great that he’s in a better place. But uhhhh hello! He is not here. Haha 😂 and now this place sucks absolutely! And btw not planning on being in that better place for quite some time! It’s okay to not say anything. It’s okay to listen 👂🏻. It’s imperative!
Believe it or not, there are people out there who are not childishly self-centered. For them reminding themselves that their loved one is in a good place and not suffering anymore, is a deeply comforting thought. They are willing to sacrifice their own selfish needs of still having had that person around to benefit from them in whatever ways they used to, and shift their focus on keeping a spiritual bond with their deceased loved one, who is no in a better place without worries and pains of physical life on earth.
@@thetroopoftruth4820 Really, what if the person wasn't suffering? What if it was a sudden death, a car accident or a murder? You lose your child and someone you barely know thoughtlessly blurts out "he's. In a better place".
@@TheSunUpInTheSky That term is usually given as support for a grieving friend or family member. Kind of like wrapping one's arm around someone else shoulder and patting their hand. They honestly do mean well. They just dont know what else to say at the time.
Just realized why I don't like sitcoms. Every script's foundation is built on these ideas.
Oh thats interesting. I havent noticed it. But...I dont like sitcoms either. Never have.... they all sounds to me like mambo jambo. I cant even concentrate on the dialog...its just super boring for me...even Friends. Thought i was the only one.
I'm realizing now 99% of soap opera characters have the lowest EQ possible. "I had no other choice!" seems to be in every script.
Agreed. We can see straight through this bs.
Its not a scale or quotient at all. Its a conformist measure by the politically correct to attempt to railroad others into behaving and communicating as they wish and see fit.
Fail to conform and you're "low EQ"
Most importantly, EVERYTHING can be excused with "BUT FEELINGS!"
Guess who brought this kind of crap to the forefront? Its no accident the timeline of these developments
Sit coms are the McDonald's of television. Cheap, easy, predictable, but you know it's rubbish.
The sitcom conversations tend to be not much more than an exchange of snarky remarks, I have noticed. Very much the same thing, in that the comments made are (or would be) hurtful and not recognized as such.
"How am I supposed to feel?" is just another way of asking, "how would you feel?" This is important when dealing with self-absorbed people who don't think of how their actions affect others.
Agree. I’ve said this out of total frustration but can’t say it made any difference. The NARS kept on doing and saying hurtful things.
I seriously need to stop talking and just smile and nod my head. 😁🤐
Lucinda...me too 🤐
That's exactly right. This reaction drives one particular family membe of mine nuts and I love it 😆.
Kill em' with a smile or kindness,and walk away when necessary. Works like a charm
Me too! I am always asking God to put a guard on my mouth but sure enough ! have to say something back to my narcissistic husband which does absolutely no good!
Yes, agree with them and then do what you want--if you're in a position where you can get away with that.
Thank you. My parents were abusive. Your examples help me see my own low eq behaviour. It's gonna take a while to unlearn such behaviour.
It is great that you are aware of it now though. Keep trying your best to improve yourself. Each new day is another opportunity.
Wishing you good luck :)
Being self aware is key. That’s the first step to recognize.
Antonni, I realised I behave not well only around them because I still hate them. But in reality to other people I'm very nice. But to them... Whoever would hear me around exactly them would think I'm horrible person and that's just not my real nature. I've been traumatised by them so many times. It's not a wonder they trigger me. The best thing to do : not be around them and let them go from your life completely. Our souls were not created by them, they are just people who got merit to take care of God's gift and failed to do so, instead treating us inhumanely. No place for anything right there.
At least you are honest about your situation. Do not be too hard on yourself, because you were probably "programmed" at a very young age. Learning how to de-program, recognize dysfunctional behaviors, recognize baiting, with the proper counselor/therapist can do wonders ! Good luck !
It took me decades to realize what had happened, and continues to transpire within my own family and elsewhere !
1. "Why can't you just..." or "you're going to do what?"
2. "Ok, if that's what you want to think"
3. "I had no other choice"
4. "How do you think I'm supposed to feel" or "what's wrong with you"
5. "If you can believe that"
6. "Everything is great, right"
7. "Well, arent you just being sensitive"
8. "Nobody says that to me"
9. "This would never have happened if you had..."
10. "Stop it! Just stop it"
11. "That reminds me of a time when I..."
12. "Why should I even bother with you"
LilyOfTheTower thank you! Was looking for this:) 😇🙏🏾
Doing the good work.
Thanks for posting this!
Uh, this is me???.... 😞 damn, guess my parents taught me...well. wow!
@@zoeylatshaparker99 sometimes kids raised by narcissists can adopt narc traits as a coping strategy i believe. Dont beat yourself up!! You cared and had enough insight to admit that you do those things!! Thats a great start to healing 😊 xxx
I once had a boss say, "I don't know what it is, but there's something about you that just isn't right." File that in the Least Helpful Feedback Imaginable folder.
Lol. I'd respond with, "Have you been going through my trash?"
Here's one: "You just don't get it, do you?"
The most over-used buzzphrase in the history of movies lol
But some people don't.
More likely it is vise versa.
Gus makes a good point which is why having pets is the best therapy!
It's funny how being emotionally intelligent intersects with what I'd perceive as common courtesy/base-level empathy.
yes like its the opposite of "hurt people hurt people". When you become even a little more emotionally aware you stop being part of the problem and become part of the solution, no matter how slight, it makes a difference.
Right on, Guy!
Agree. What I thought were poor social skills is more broadly a low EQ problem.
Another one from people who are outrageous, hurtful, mean, “You just have to get over because that is the way I am.”
Jean McCoard oooooohhhhh so good. When someone says that I know immediately what they are and to stay away
Jean McCoard I feel like that expression is very callus because it’s implying that you won’t even try to change the bad things about yourself and that the other person has no choice in the matter.
Yeah.. that hurts reading that
If that's the way they're willing to live, the question is this: is that the way they're willing to die?
Well, we are only human.
What about the statement, “You’re overthinking” when you’re trying to explain your own feelings?
One of the worst ones! Ugh!
Also, when someone insists they understand how you feel better than you do yourself
Is another form of gaslighting
@@danartofficial I would possibly only say that to people with my personality.
Damn my mom uses that on me all the time.
Low EQ comments all seem to be 'closed' comments, while High EQ comments all seem to be 'open' comments.
Well noticed.
That is a really good observation.
"That's just the way I was raised" as if your programming is set in stone and you take no responsibility for your actions.
Yes when people use this as an excuse for their actions rather than dealing with their actions. It is a cop out of accepting responsibility.
This one in particular drives me nuts too
That's how I feel everytime I see a Black LIves Matter protest. If black people would spend the same amount of time, energy, and resources to work on their own dreams and ambitions instead of this continual mantra of having no choices, everyone not black is against them, it's a conspiracy, it's been this way since slavery, and blaming society for anything that goes on in their lives. If I did that as a white person I'd be called a lazy ass narcissist with low EQ.
@@shadowmatrix0101 there are some great resources to help you understand their situation. Are you open to understanding more? Or more deeply?
@@taniarowan9152 blm is a marxist organization that doesn't actually give a crap about black lives. If they cared they'd start with the amount of black babies aborted every year
A lot of these are passive aggression and hostility.
Agree mostly but a few of them are reasonable things to say in the right context.
Just one example: I’ve a brother who never takes responsibility for his actions. This has caused significant problems with his wife who he has a kid with. He also lies about the most inane things. He’s gotten arrested for dui, driving while high on weed, driving while high on meth (all three separate instances), etc. as the oldest of four brothers I decided to get involved and called him to talk about why he’s doing these things. He immediately starts lying about his arrests (which are public record), and deflecting blame, talking over me, playing the victim, etc. it was an onslaught of just narcissistic rage at being called out. I finally interrupted with “STOP! Just STOP Johnnie!” And then we had a somewhat productive conversation, so no, I don’t buy that all these phrases are the result of low EQ.
@@alexblaze8878 he said there are some situations where this would be appropriate and he offered a situation very similar to yours as an example.
Kayte you’re right. I rewatched the video.
My two brothers & my Mom
Sure, but hostilty and aggression has it's place, when dealing with people that behave like they are trying to prove themselves hopeless, more or less. If behave like shit you are going to get shit back, that's nature.
I don’t know about some of these. For example, “that reminds me of the time...”, saying that you had a similar experience, might be a way of interjecting briefly to create a sense of empathy or common bond. Not as a way to highjack a conversation. Unless of course, you then proceed to actually highjack it.
I agree with you on that. You're trying to emulate their experience, relate to them, and stick with a general topic they might enjoy hearing about, instead of just starting an unrelated topic.
I have to believe that most of these are meant as context-based examples. Most of these are not inherently unhealthy or abusive but can easily be if used inappropriately.
Abraham Lincoln used this phrase throughout his life.
Exactly
I agree. I am generally perceived to be a helpful and sympathetic person, but in all the examples given except for number 12 which is just plain rudeness, I would be inclined to go straight to what this guy calls the covert message and say clearly what I think. Why not? I would only use the less direct phrase (implying what I really think) if the person looks like they might be hyper-sensitive, in obvious distress, or have an anger management problem.
You could've just as easily renamed the title to say: "12 Phrases that Passive Aggressive people say"
Amen. That's my mom
I wouldn't have watched it then lol. I would have gotten triggered just from thetitle
So basically people with low EQ are narcissists
Or simply, 12 ways to be rude.
@@maddie9185
So people with little understanding speak in absolutes...
We all deal with narcissistic, manipulative, tendencies. Some of us overcome them better than others. I've made it a habit to reflect on myself when I perceive a flaw in someone else. Not only does it help me not judge them unduly, but it gives me the right frame of mind to approach the problem humbly, if it's warranted.
My mother always said “ If you don’t have something good to say, don’t say anything at all.” So I don’t talk much:S
My momma always said this and she didn't say much but when she did I listened! Smart, loving woman
My personal trigger phrases: "You're being too sensitive" and the ultimate in passive aggressiveness "Oh, you're smarter than that" which sounds like a compliment, but basically is a sneaky way of insulting someone by calling them stupid unless you agree with them. I had a guy I just met in college that I thought was highly intelligent and possibly a good catch, but during a minor debate we had, he dropped the "Oh you're smarter than that" like omg did you just assume I was stupid unless I agreed with everything you just said? Aaaand I dropped him. lol
I hate "you're being too sensitive." My mom would tell this to me when my cousin would say really nasty things to me and belittle me in front of my uncles and other family members (she usually wasn't there). I just hate how she refused to acknowledge the problem and basically told to deal with it but if I ever came close to talking to her like that, even if it was somewhat justified that, she would lose it.
Good for you for dropping that guy btw. He sounds like he's fools gold.
When I'm talking to a friend that I know is very intelligent that is believing in an obvious conspiracy theory I have said: "I thought you were smarter than that".
Backhanded compliments! My favorite one is: “Help me understand...”
@@joeblow9657 When one of his brothers told my favorite, calmest, smartest nephew "You're so SENSITIVE!" ... Mr. 'Sensitive' hurled a mug across the room, shouting: "I'll show you 'sensitive'!" [This nephew, decades older and a father, is now leading an Artificial Intelligence group. He is a great father, and is both sensitive and a terrific listener. We in his family all threaten to throw something, yelling: "I'll show you 'sensitive'!" whenever anyone points out the other as "too sensitive" instead of addressing an argument or problem directly. Arguments ad hominem attack character, when the real problem is a disagreement over an issue that should get hashed out, maybe with compromise or better explanations of needs and desires and fears.]
@@joeblow9657
That said, there is a difference between being overly sensitive and losing control. They can't make me embarrassed, they can't make me humiliated, Only I can do that. It's a bit like stage fright; just go out there and OWN that stage.
I'm guilty of the "that reminds me of...!" thing 😬 I actually like to relate to people and sometimes I'll do this if someone is having a hard time and I've been through something similar. I'm going to try and just listen and hang in their space!
I do it too because some people tend to feel alone in their problems and in a society where we have support groups, we do this to remind them they do have support from people of similar experience and we are there for them if they need us. Again, this reflects on the It Takes a Village to raise not just a child, but also adults with recoccuring childhood traumas.
For years, I've done it too for the same reasons, trying to relate. But I can see how people might think I'm redirecting the conversation back to myself so I just let them talk now.
Guilty as well. Until a few years ago I thought what I was doing was letting them know that I was in a similar situation as well and I didn’t want to think of themselves as being alone. I realize now that they mostly just need someone to listen and let them know your there, and I was just lessening their experience😔. I wish we were taught these things in school….a class on how to get along, awareness of others different family/ethnic backgrounds can make their reality different than yours, how to show/give respect, set healthy boundaries and conflict resolution to be a productive member of society.
Me too. My children point it out to me and say that I always draw back to me.
I'm very late to the conversation, but I've had a lot of experience with No. 11 "that reminds me..."
In fact, just yesterday I was having lunch with someone, who used almost that same line while I was telling him a story.
But I think there is a difference in HOW you use it. In the examples before my comment, you people seem to be using the line as a way to relate to someone who is feeling down, as you don't want them to think they are alone in their burden.
Now it is just my opinion, but I think that actually shows high EQ, as it demonstrates you are able to predict what someone might be feeling (in this case loneliness, shame or guilt), and are attempting to alleviate their pain. That said, it is important to let the other person fully express themselves, without interruption, before adding your own story.
In the case of my friend, he had asked me a question, and before I had fully finished giving my answer and expressing myself, he interrupted, made a joke, then went on to say "that reminds me of my childhood, when....". I think that is the difference, and a situation where the "that reminds me of...." is a sign of someone not really listening or interested in what the other person has to say.
Why do people say "must be nice" when something good happens for someone else? It sounds like they're trying to shame that person for having something they don't.
It’s an outgrowth of a heavy victim mindset
Petty tyrants express petty jealousy for your one small victory.
Some people live their lives in a race or feel they have to meet goals, success in order to feel something, get some place. They will be unhappy or emotionally detached irregardless of their circumstances.
I cant say for certain, especially as a layperson completely ignorant of psychology. But i recall seeing a christmas photo of a big family where i commented 'must be nice'. I think it was a mixture of things. Jealousy because ive never had that (potential victim complex as previously mentioned) but i dont think it was vindictive jealousy, probs more envy than jealousy? I dunno how much of a difference there is between the two though. Also kinda felt jaded, as it was (undeliberately) another reminder of what others have and what i dont. And the pattern of being a 'have not person'. Or at least percieved pattern. I dunno. It wouldnt surprise me if it were either depending on the context
Yes, can you believe Kobe Bryant has his own private helicopter & pilot? Must be nice depends on your perspective in life.
One that I heard all of the time growing up is, “Oh, you don’t really feel that way.” Any kind of “negative” emotion (sadness, anger, dissatisfaction, being upset because we had no say in family rules and activities, disappointment, frustration, etc.) was dismissed immediately and my sibs and I had to swallow our feelings and fake being cheerful and positive. This took a big toll on all of us as adults, and it took quite a while for us to learn how to own ALL of our emotions and deal with them in a healthy way rather than stuff them down deep inside or pretend that they didn’t exist. Perhaps that was the way children were raised back in the 40’s and 50’s because several other friends have shared with me that their parents wouldn’t allow them to express “negative” emotions while growing up either. It’s a terrible and damaging way to raise kids.
Monica, thank you for that post. Perhaps EQ is discerning and engaging, rather than isolation and smothering. May cure half of the mental illness out there. Let me go declutter some barriers.
Its called Toxic Positivity, and the reason why all my parents/adult siblings have no relationships with each other.
Yes that really stinx, like they had NO respect for your feelings, BUT u and sibs I am
sure had to respect ur parents feelings. This sh*% goes on. . . I lost a wonderful lady
friend of 6 yrs who passed away and my sister told me it was satan making me sad.
like what planet did she just come from? Her and the other sister are very much into
religion and from what I have seen, there is a fair bit of hypocrisy there.. . It is said
that when religion comes into some lives, it pushes compassion out . . .that is sad.
@@raymondgarafano8604 Yes, my family is fundamentalist christian. You hit the nail on the head and I didnt even mention religion. Religion ruins family relationships if you dont tow the line..then they seperate and blame Satan...but shunning is just a form of Social Control and too bad Christian Culture never recognizing that Shunning never works for the 99.9% of us that leave religion for other reasons than Satan.
@@pcb8059 YUP some have no issues saying, "You don't know what ur talking
about. Or being told, you don't call it that you call it this, I'm half-way thru
my 60's and she is telling me what word/s to use. Yes I resent it. It isn't
trying to educate me, it's trying to control me. I don't tell anyone what
word/s to use or not use. I don't tell anyone they don't know what they are
talking about if it is about anything but volts and amps, even then I can
say ,"I've seen a lot in the electrical world but nothing like what you say, Is a
nicer way to put it and still has the meaning that what they are saying so
does not jive electrically.
Worst one I ever heard was my ex:
"If I don't think I did anything wrong, then I don't have to apologize."
Woah! 😳
OMG that's dreadful.
I'd consider myself much more logically oriented than emotional. So I can explain that kind of sentiment. There is certainly times that things could of been done better, but what is the worth of an apology if you don't even believe you did anything wrong? It is a hollow statement. Only made to satisfy others. I often find that people who take offense without someone acting to agitate usually have an issue of their own self security that creates the issue in the first place. I have a friend that tells me that the least I can do is say sorry a lot. I explain the above and they still want to hear it. I could say, "I meant no offense, I'm only pursuing productive outcomes, and I'll try to be more mindful of what you're saying." That doesn't even matter to him. It's much better than "I'm sorry" because it actually shows that there is a positive motivation behind the interaction and an acknowledgment that you take their perspective seriously. However, IT IS NOT an admission of guilt and I think that's ultimately what people want when they demand an apology.
How could he be your ex?
@@grandosprey6450 Well I understand what you mean bro but I'm pretty high in emotional intelligence. And I don't have this problem anymore because I know what offended them. So I just won't do it again. But anyway overly sensitive people aren't my friends so stuff like that wouldn't happen. By apologizing saying "I meant no offense.." you are sincere but for them it's like you don't admit ; not your mistake - but the fact that you offended them and it will piss them off. That's how they work..
In the South we say, "Well, bless your little heart."
I used to have an elderly neighbour who would say, 'bless your little black heart' if you helped him with his groceries or opened a door for him and such, but I don't think he was a narcissist. He was just a sweet old man with a lovely wife and a spoiled dog, lol.
I was thinking of the same phrase as I listened - but just "bless your heart". What does that mean????
@@connieeash7935 lol. Well it has several meanings; depending on how u wanna use it. For instance, u can say that when someone is having a tuff time, and you want to show empathy towards them. Or if someone is on a pity party, saying that would mean , you were being sarcastic, and not really giving them sympathy or empathy. 😫
I LOVED that phrase.
According to Mike Huckabee & several various personal southern friends of mine.
"Haven't I gone through enough?" My dad's reaction when I asked him for the first time in his life to help me (a grade A student who never took drugs or did alcohol or ran around).
ArizonaWillful that's sad - it can be really hard to fathom some reactions from family members. It is very hard to really ever know another human being, and why they do and say things that we wouldn't dream of doing or saying to someone who matters to us...
Sounds like my father. Sorry, I know it hurts and I can't offer any advice other than to encourage you to continue on your journey sans his help.
How about a flat out “No.” from a first lifetime ask for help. And the last.
My parents were never satisfied with me, either. I was exceptionally well-behaved, yet I was always getting yelled at. 😬
And this is why I would rather spend time with dogs and cats.
Hey, there are some awesome people out there. Meet a LOT of people and decide what are things that you value! Boldly be yourself and you will attract people who are similar to you! Keep it up!
Me too
@@georgehiggins1320 You sound like you spend a lot of time around children.
@@bentnickel7487 I have three nieces and a nephew and I love them to the moon!
Amen, sister!
Your point #11 - 'that reminds me of a time when I...' can be quite disrespectful to the other person especially if one completely monopolises the conversation. Actively listening to someone can make such a difference especially if the person sharing something distressing. Thanks for the insight Dr. Les
I disagree with #11 though. When someone says "oh, that reminds me of something that happened to me". I quite accidentally hijack conversations, but not because I want to talk about myself, and not because I don't care. I am trying to connect with someone and show them I understand because I've had similar experiences. Im not saying that it's a great way to connect, but its not because I have low emotional intelligence. I am trying to change that, because I know it can seem like I'm cutting people off and not listening, but whats behind it is an attempt to connect.
I agree with you on that one. I think there's a difference between cutting someone off to tell a similar story about you just to make it about you, and trying to connect with the emotion of a similar experience. Especially if you wait until they're done telling the story and how they felt about it.
I agree with you Jennifer. While I can see how HE may believe it to be inappropriate to make comparisons or share a similar story but he is a therapist and it is a very different situation in his case as compared to having a conversation with someone in a casual situation. I used to hijack the conversation in this way and looking back I can see how it could be perceived as insensitive and possibly even construed as intending to one-up the person your speaking with. As I've aged I've come to realize that it was just a simple matter of tact and that my intent was never to one-up, hijack or be insensitive..my intention was simply to relate and empathize but my tact was lacking. When these situations arise now I make sure to listen to the conclusion and I make sure not to be thinking of what I'm going to say while the person is speaking. I think that was a big problem that I had also was while a person was speaking to me... I would be thinking about what I was going to say next rather than listening. Which by the way is a great way to pick up on the character traits of a person. A person that looks like they are not listening to you and is very quick to respond to something you have said ...it's because they were not listening to you because they were busy thinking about what they would say to you next. Usually a sign of a narcissist or someone with passive aggressive tendencies. Admittedly, I used to be both. A near death experience along with some hard life lessons, some suffering and some humility cured me of both and I'm a much better person for it.
I used to do that and then I found a better way. I think of what the person is saying and ask myself what I can say to enrich their feelings about that experience. Usually, I find a proverb or a funny saying does the trick. I did this once with a friend who I met for coffee. They spent most of the time talking and I would sometimes add little comments like this when it was appropriate. I think I spoke for about 1% of the time. Later, my friend told me, "I so enjoyed our coffee outing the other day! We have to do it again!" That's when I realised, people have the most fun when getting to talk about themselves and being listened to - appreciated and even celebrated. This was the beginning of my new life as an active listener.
I remember reading somewhere that neurodivergent individuals often try and identify with others by bringing up similar experiences in a conversation, not to intentionally hijack the conversation, but to try and show that they understand how the other person feels. Whereas neurotypical individuals will see that as trying to make the conversation about themselves or even worse trying to one up them.
Hi Jennifer. You are showing empathy but keep it brief (my experience.)
Whenever he would ask me, "how is that suppose to make me feel" I would say " it's up to you"
Brilliant!
Or you could say something like "well you've never felt anything in your life. How the hell would I know." But that would be rude crude and socially unacceptable. Ha ha. But don't worry one of the other readers will probably come along and tell you you're a shit. So don't worry about it....😎
Good one
Great comeback!
I did a workshop once about not allowing people to make you think YOU made them feel some way. He said you can feel that way, you can feel another way, you can have a hamburger. Its all up to you! I loved it and never forgot it even though current jargon these days is "How did that make you feel"?
I've been guilty of saying some of the 12 phrases indicating low E.Q . Yet I've never meant it the way he interpret it to be but as I listened to him, it made me realize that perhaps that's why other individuals misunderstand how I mean something. Now I'll try and be more aware of how i communicate what it is that I really mean.
I've been guilty too. Maybe we all have.
Jenny Hellstrom i get where he’s going with this because most of the time when people say these things it’s coming from a point of negativity. However, two people could say the literal exact same words but it can come off as positive or negative. It always depends on the context of the situation. Social interactions are never black and white where you can just memorize a list like this
Same here
Don't bother. Its propaganda. Don't listen to this rubbish.
Do you, the best way you can and the way you want. This crap will get you nowhere
Everyone uses some of these phrases sometimes. If you use them habitually, it's a problem.
OMG! The very first thing stated was what mah hubby said to me recently, “Why can’t you just react the right way,” i.e. “not be hurt by the hurtful things I say...”
Sister Alice-I MIGHT be able to top that one. My Narc father actually asked me if I couldn't be hypnotized so I wouldn't be hurt by his hurtful ways. Hypnotized so I wouldn't object to his hurting me? What do you think I was doing for the last 40 years?
The thing about "That reminds me of a time when I...." is that for some people, it's how they show that they can relate to what the other person is saying. They don't intend to highjack the conversation, they're trying to show empathy in the way that feels most natural to them. I've been told that this is very common for many people on the ADHD spectrum.
Idk if I have ADHD or not, but this is how I communicate even though I try not to. Idk how else to relate to others
I have a high functioning ASD but I’ve never said and of these phrases and I think I do have a lower EQ but the difference is I got behavior therapy and was taught clear concise communication.
I think the problem is most people aren’t taught to clearly communicate. It’s something you learn as you live in the world but I think maybe it should be taught in elementary school when kids are young
THIS. Someone with authority please adopt and carry on this idea already.
You "never" say any of these? You sound like a robot.
MillieT that’s what I often get compared to. It’s fine though, I’d rather concisely communicate 🙌🏻
Probably I am ASD too (never diagnosed), and I never use this phrases too.
@@jazon85k my former therapist said I might have ASD because of the way I talk and think. I don't think I've said these. Normally I'm more straightforward when I think or know someone is wrong (which happens a lot lately when talking to uncompassionate or anti-science people about any current events going on).
This just confirmed why I don't talk to people
This is why I like animals better than people. They love unconditionally.
@@deb310red No they don't, you feed them and give them shelter and protection, that is conditional. However, they are endearing and fascinating!
@Paco Castellanos Exactly! Agree!
@@mtuz8356 But I wouldn't know who you are if it wasn't for YT.
Good luck getting anywhere in life doing that
Oh my gosh, this is like the script from pretty much every interaction with my mother, my oldest sister and numerous other family members. I've even been guilty of some of it myself because it was the world I was raised in and I am still figuring out how to shake some of these ingrained practices that are so frustrating.
Keep working at breaking the cycle! :) Good for you!!
Hello twin! I’ve found that sarcasm is the poker tell, and I’ll not play their game 💋
#11, "That reminds me of the time I...", I am guilty of. To be fair, I am an Introvert, and I remember being told early on that this was a way for people to feel like you're actively listening to them, by relating to their experience. I do it reflexively now, but I'm happy to drop this behavior... :)
I think that one was a confusing one... You can still use it as long as you actually LISTEN to the other person... and you don't interrupt them to run off with your story in the middle of it.... You can definitely still use it to connect. Even build a connector like "I love that story... it reminds me of the time..." -- that shows you listened and connected.... so no need to drop it...
People also adjust their "EQ" to the person they are dealing with at the moment.
Now this is the truth
True, to a point.
Yeah I’ll ask someone what’s wrong with them if they are acting incredibly nuts 🥜
Nah, I just either compensate for their lack of (for example dealing with children) or don't bother if they don't react well to "easy" tests I give.
I feel like adjusting how much care a d effort you put into another person's emotions is a SKILL. One I struggle with lol.
In the latter years of her life, the person who I loved most in this world began to use similar words and phrases, making me feel guilty and angry. Then I came to realized that she spoke that way because she was in physical and emotional pain. Not her fault. I treasure every moment of kindness I was able to show her.
Now THAT is emotional intelligence.
You are a rare breed. I believe my husband has gotten to the point of realizing I, too, was in emotional and physical pain, and I want to commend you and encourage you to keep at it, because hurting people need people like you to understand and have compassion (yet firm boundaries) for them to heal.
You have very high EQ
It basically comes down to judging people , and letting them know it.
There's nothing worse than someone saying 'Pull yourself together' when you're going through a tough time.
My big sister (she is 71, I'm 63) is brilliant but she is the most manipulative person I have ever known in my life. After watching this I now know she has a very low EQ. I got her out of my life when I turned 55 and my Mom passed. With Mom gone I no longer felt I needed to 'not make waves'. I still do not regret cutting my sister out of my life. I love her though I finally had realized that her gaslighting me to get what she wanted out of any situation came at a terrible cost to me. This video was very interesting.
Exactly what happened to me!!! 2 years and still feeling good about cutting her off. This is from a book by Dr. Sherrie Campbell ‘But it’s your Family’: Loving someone doesn’t always mean having a relationship with them, just like forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. Reconciling, in many cases, only sets people up for more abuse. It’s a wonderful book. @Dee Matt
@@canadiangirrrrl It's a hard step to take but worth it. I weirdly find I miss her at odd times and then I immediately remind myself why I made the decision to keep her out of my life. Thank you for the author/title. I will look in to it. Fingers crossed I can get it at my library or from their library loan program.
@@Fernaleaha if you can’t find it, let me know...
Wow. Thank you for sharing. I'm having a tough time with some of my family; mainly my mother whom is a narcissist. I'm almost 40 and she's brought a lot of grief to my life through her selfishness and put-downs. She gets upset when she repeatedly makes poor decisions even when given guidance to make better decisions. She just wants to have fun and when the cost is too great (her job, her home, more debt etc) she blames ANYONE who doesn't agree that she is 100% a victim. I have a family of my own to take care of and she doesn't respect me, her grandchildren, my spouse....This year her mother is dying and she is behaving atrociously. I'm trying my best to stay in contact in a positive way but it's so taxing I might end up having to cut her out of our lives. I was finally very honest about how I have felt for a long time and gave examples of her poor behavior and she acts as if she never heard me and just blame shifts. I feel so so sad and a little guilty thinking of completely shutting her out but even talking to her less thus far and not stepping on egg-shells as much with her has already made me feel less anxious and depressed.
@@mikestarkly9226 Unfortunately, your mom is toxic. Focus on your family. Don't waste energy on a narcissist. She isn't going to change, no matter how much you reason with her. It's tough to break off ties, especially if a person is manipulative and makes you feel guilty. Keep up the good work and try not to feel guilty. You're doing yourself, your spouse, and your kids proud!
I've been guilty of #11. When I say, 'that reminds me'...I didn't realize that I'm hijacking the conversation, but you're right. Thanks for the insight.
Kathleen Miess I usually catch my impulse to want to do that, but I’m amazed at how often the desire to tell my own experience pops up. I think this one is a very natural human tendency that comes from an innocent place, however, if not governed can seem like a conversation hijack.
Instead of staying mute, let the other person tell their story. At the end maybe you can share yours, or just agree and say your experiences are similar.
@@davidkepke1435 yep, and the longer I live, the more things I get reminded of! But I can wait to tell my story 🙂
Me too. I have need to be more aware and considerate.
I’m sad to say I have done that to and now I know I was hijacking as well
Same for me
How about this scenario? I discover that a parent made a decision that affects me, and disappoints me, or takes me by surprise. So I honestly ask: "Why didn't you tell me?" The response, a shouted one: "YOU DIDN'T ASK ME!" It was a phrase I heard quite a bit and it felt like an assault.
In “Diary of Anne Frank”, her mother kept saying to her, “Why can’t you just be like Margot?” And I thought, “I think that’s an awful thing to say”.
My dad frequently asked, "Why can't you be like [your brother]?"
My mother used to say, Why can’t you be like the others. Two sisters one brother. No thanks.
Knowing what we know now proves mothers aren't always right.
@@TheSunUpInTheSky but they are also damaged or they would have the sensitivity to not continue it. Dory Previn wrote a song once about taking it back to blame the Empress of China because this stuff goes waaaay back.
The problem isn't the question; it's that Mother didn't try to answer it for herself.
If somebody always thinks and does stupid things, maybe you don't want to have a relationship with them anyway.
I guess I am that person and I am agreeing with you.
Christine... but on the other hand maybe u do? it wont be a boring relationship and a little pain never hurt anybody :)
bingo
@@fredworthmn ooof, how am I supposed to interpret that?
I think I will tell my husband this the next time he blows up on .e
"Well, aren't YOU just being sensitive?"
Well, *one* of us obviously has to......
Good one! LOL
I love it 😉. So profound 😂
Yes but some times buttholes are too sensitive not saying u are......but my spouse sometimes is WAY TO SENSITIVE
yes sir.
"There's NOTHING wrong with me, what's wrong with you"?
"I do it for you!"---Even when it's something you don't want.
Or I was just helping, when clearly they are not.
14. "It must be nice" which really means I'm angry/jealous of this thing you have/get to do because I don't or can't.
I can honestly say that I have never used any of these phrases. I now realise that when others have used them in relation to me; friends and acquaintances, that I have withdrawn from them slowly but surely and now do not speak with them. I invested my EQ in my job as a nurse. Even when I became an ITU nurse I still spoke with my patients as if they were awake. Thank you sir for reinforcing my sensitivity that I now know is not a handicap but a strength, if only for my own mental health.
"Well, aren't you just being sensitive" is in the same ballpark as "Can't you take a joke?" People who like to pull pranks and/or say things that would make reasonable people wince, _knowingly and unashamedly do so at others expense._ Those are definitely people to avoid.
I agree with this as well...they are just saying what they really mean and trying to make you feel foolish for bein
A "friend" of mine told me I was too picky because I have food allergies and have to avoid certain items. When I defended myself, she replied, "yes you are, picky, picky, picky." In reality, I was an adventurous eater until I developed this problem and am saddened by what I can no longer eat.
And then there was a woman who said to a grieving Mother who just lost her 1 year old, “Well, at least you won’t have to go though all that potty training.”
Sometimes, silence is golden.
Oh my goodness! 😣 Can you have a negative number for an EQ?
Must be a myth, right?
Or a relative who says to you at your mothers funeral "Congradulations, you are now officially an orphan!"
That reminds me of a woman who, a month after my 16 yr old brother had died (he was a lot younger than me), asked me in a nasty tone, "Aren't you done grieving him YET?" I will never be finished with grieving him. I always disliked that woman, but that set it in concrete! Who would say such a thing? And I wasn't being obvious in my grief or anything--so why? Do these people ever think after they say things like this, feel any remorse?
@@loraliema3017
Unfortunately, some "humans" don't feel empathy or remorse.
Their brains are defective.
My husband always says “I can tell you just don’t understand” when I or one of the kids disagrees with something he believes. It feels very condescending to us.
You might try saying, "I understand, but I don't agree with you."
That is very condescending....
@@jeanetteh.9240 oh I definitely say it. I think he takes it very personally if you don’t like something he likes or have a different opinion. If someone doesn’t like the same thing I like or doesn’t have the same opinion as me, it doesn’t feel like a personal attack even remotely. To him, it does, and the only way he can cope is by thinking that perhaps that person just doesn’t get it.
But he has no other choice.
It seems very condescending to me. My brother who is a text book narcissist often says that to me. My response usually goes one of 2 ways. ” you're absolutely right, I do not understand why you feel that way so you've obviously done a really lousy job of presenting your case so, wanna try it again?” or "well if you can tell I don't understand then you should be able to discern that I'm not of your superior intellect therefore incapable of understanding. Could you please dumb it down for us intellectually inferior and try it again" Both comments usually achieve the same desired results...he shuts his mouth and we change the subject. Lol
Alternative Title: Top 12 quotes from my mother
I literally spit out my tea. As soon as it started this was my first thought.
Or in my case my mother in law
LOL. My oldest, adult son has often said to me, 'it must be nice', when his stepdad and I would go on a trip, or got a new car, etc. The first few times I let it go, but it hit me the wrong way one time and he's never said it again. I told him, 'well, if you managed your money better, you might be able to do some things too.' I also told him 'that we've worked hard for our money and we intend to spend it the way we want to!' LOL. I don't think he even realized how it came across when he said it, until I pointed it out to him. He said was sorry.
I can relate. I'm sorry for you. No one should have to listen to this subtle (or blatant) form of abuse because that is exactly what it is even though you could never convince them it is anything derogatory. These people are much too smart, sophisticated, etc to be abusers. I mean, really, what's your problem anyway.
🙋🏽
I have a psychology degree too but I spent 20 years in the US Army. Part of social intelligence that needs to be remembered is that communicating effectively depends on awareness of the particular situation. There are times we can afford to spend time discussing situations in a socially intelligent fashion but we can't get touchy feely with everybody in all situations since it just requires spending too much damn time. Let's stay in touch with reality.
To the list I would add, "Calm down!". It is insulting and dismissive. Simply speak in a calm fashion and make it clear that you take that person's anger seriously.
ESPECIALLY when one is agitated and just needs to be heard and validated and heard. Maybe a hug. I began to respond, "Speed up!" Narc says, "Calm down." I say, "speed up! etc)...Naturally this is not a healthy conversation.
Agree. Definitely the worst for me.
Don't Worry, always makes me WORRY !!
I think we can all agree that pretty much no one has ever calmed down by being told to calm down.
"Simply speak in a calm fashion and make it clear that you take that person's anger seriously." Or, in other words, "Calm down."
I know someone who used to constantly do the, "That reminds me of when I..." bit and would hijack an entire conversation. When she does it to me these days I simply say, "And I'm sure we'll hear all about it when I've finished my thought." Then go on as if I hadn't been interrupted. This works like a charm. They realize they can't interrupt and even if they try, I have no issue with bringing the conversation to what I was already halfway through talking about.
LOVE THIS!!!
I get what you’re saying, though there’s a big difference between someone interrupting you to tell their story vs someone listening to you and then making a connection to your story. That is what conversations are, especially between friends, family and familiar folks. You’re not just sharing ideas (robotic your turn, my turn, your turn, my turn) but you’re also synchronously building upon each other’s ideas.
We have one of those people in our extended family. Any time someone relates an experience, she has to jump in and tell you how she went through something that was even more interesting/successful/difficult/funny/sad/challenging/unique... and she does this with a fixed gaze like a dear in headlights. The reality is that she is desperately insecure and needs to be able to connect with the family, but her strategy has the opposite effect.
I cringe inwardly when, for example, she tries to describe something that she found funny and then chuckles (alone) at her story. Thankfully most of the family are sympathetic and don’t treat her harshly.
I do that. I'm working on it.
Best not do this when the person can terminate your employment, however.
"I'm sorry you feel that way!"
makes it sound like my reaction to an outrage is overwrought!
Hate that one
I must stop saying this too.
Depends on context
I cannot stand when she says this. It sounds so innocent, it sounds like shes sympathizing with me
Better to say:
"That must feel awful."
"Oh, what a terrible loss."
"You have a lot of hurt in your life -- I am so sorry."
But you have to mean it... and then listen. Some stories are painful to listen to, but we honor and acknowledge pain and unfairness when we listen.
I don't know if anyone will read this as there's so many comments. But in case someone does, what I think needs to be said is these phrases are tools used to manipulate others, and are absolutely toxic to healthy relationships. But if you're dealing with a malignant person who has a monopoly on necessities, has you cornered and can't be reasoned with, they can also be used to fight back.
"What's your problem" is always a good way to start a conversation.
Only if you call the other out with “History has repeatedly that no one can deal with close-minded people.”
And my personal favorite "Whatever," the implication being "You're not worth talking to."
That one is used under duress. Dealing with a narcissistic, raging person...it comes out. I have to let them know I'm not willing to discuss something any further because they are screaming into my face.
A lot of people do #11.
Most of the time, hopefully, I'm showing the other person that I can relate or understand what they are saying. My intentions aren't to bring the conversation around me. After, I've spoken I bring the attention back to the original person.
Also, if you have social anxiety and find it difficult to converse, let alone connect with people, it's easier to verbalize that you understand or are attempting to understand the other person rather than internalizing it.
Most of these things are blatantly rude and obvious, # 11 can be misinterpreted.
Roy R I had a friend that did that.
“Uh huh, yeah. Uh huh. Yup. Yeah, uh huh.”
Felt weird.
Quinn Rouse
Yes i can see what you are saying. we often use this one in positive way.
Quinn Rouse thank you for noting that. I have noticed that some people appreciate #11 if it helps the other gain perspective. I find when my friends share similar experiences that it helps me to distance from my own. Guess it is how it is used and perceived.
I used to be BAD about that one. I meant it well but it can put people off or make them feel dismissed. My tricks to making bringing up my experience a positive and not a negative part of empathizing are:
1) let them finish first. Never ever interrupt to interject your story.
2) Keep it relevant. Make sure you're narrowly tailoring your story to theirs.
3) Keep it short and sweet. Sometimes I just say "I've been through some similar stuff. I hear you." and leave it at that.
11 is obnoxious, let the person finish their story before you try to make it about you with a story no one asked for
13. "It's not fair!" --indicates a disregard for any personal responsibility or unwillingness to consider a valid reason for the situation.
There are only two kinds of fair..my mom said ..the county fair and the state fair.. now get over it !!!!!
@@futonfave LoL 🤣 good one I'd never heard before!
@@futonfave )))) +++
The problem is some people won't want to hear the more "appropiate response", they won't answer those responses. You can have a pretty good EQ and still say those things. The good EQ tells you that is the only response their low EQ is capable of dealing with.
It's more important to go forward and learn awareness and teach emotional intelligence to our youth and loved ones, instead of pointing fingers and judging everyone saying we are all bad. We as humans can be very ignorant but we can also grow.
Sounds like a perfect class for high school kids. It's about time a curriculum teaches something useful.
Someone can be intelligent and insensitive. Pay attention to how the person makes you feel or if they are belittling you.
And then avoid them like they had leprosy.
Just to point out- no one has the ability to "make" anyone feel anything. However, we can check in with ourselves to see how we feel when we are around certain people. Those are two different things. 🙂
I would rather someone be honest with me than tell me what i want to hear.
Because fact's don't give a damn about my feeling's or anyone's feeling's.
Even if it hurt's my feeling's as long as they are right i will respect them for not being a kiss ass.
But that's just me though.
I respect honestly over being touchy and feely.
@@shanestrickland5006 Well, then maybe you won't mind if your grammatical errors are pointed out. LOL. There's no need for apostrophes on plural words. 😁
@@VioletJoy No i don't mind at all.
I know i have problem's with written grammer.
Because i have disorder of written expression.
But you had no way of knowing this.
Since RUclips made it harder to leave link's just Google what that is.
2:20 actually starts to list the 12 things
Edit: I would like to add that some of these phrases can also be used by high EQ people when thoughtfully placed, keep in mind that tone of voice is just as important as the words themselves
Yes! Like I had used the second phrase with people who were throwing insults at me with different meaning. They said something very bad so I told them that it’s your choice if you want to think that way. They are their thoughts about me, not mine.
Words, words, words... it's not what you said but how you said it. People are sensitive and read beyond the words. We have to learn how to Express our emotions gently.
It is sad when my 40 year old daughter tells me who can have as friends. My response was I don't choose your friends so what makes you think you can rell me who I can have as a friend. I felt bad about my response. But I still feel I did right.
Wow. My mother tried to tell me that I couldn't friend a certain person when I was still on FB. I laughed at her and asked her how it was any of her business. She's got NPD. She didn't like that, but it had to be said. You did right. Your daughter has her own life, right, and you have yours.
"Nobody says THAT to me!" My response, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe I just DID!"
Maybe you are nobody.
You're nobody till somebody loves you.....been there, done that
that reminded me of this guy who stalked me years ago, he followed me around downtown and in the library and he wanted to go for coffee i said no, and he kept it up, and said to me no one refuses my offer for coffee, I said well I just did. I am not inerested. he finally left me alone thank goodness he wasnt one of those psychotypes who murder your when you dont do as they feel you should.
I gotta say that in my opinion this sentence has it's uses. Like when establishing a hard limit on someone that has been shitting on you. It may not be the best, but some things are out of line to say
That's an ALPHA vs ALPHA. We are all different yet special. To get along all it takes is love and respect for each other. Strong minds are rare these days, so we must help and give respect to those who aren't.
#9 - This would never have happened if you had...- "Just go back in time and do it the way I'm telling you it should have been done." Pretty simple.
#11 - That reminds me of a time when I... - A wise person once told me, "Don't tell 'like' stories." It's true. It's competitive (my story or experience is better or more interesting than yours) and it comes off as an attempt to diminish what the other person just said.
“Why don’t you just”. Is a common one…Lol Because, I can think for myself and everyone doesn’t do everything the same way. People want their own autonomy and to experience their own agency!
I live with #9 on a daily basis but in this form..."Its your fault that I____". I find that people who can't accept responsibility for their actions deflect their guilt for those actions
That's Trump.
It sounds to me that a person with a high EQ is humble (putting others feelings before their own), without being a doormat. So even if they think another is stupid they have enough sense to keep their mouth's shut.
Stupid and smart are not binary in a single person. And that goes for EQ as well.
Yep exactly
Interesting material. I’m in a pickle. I’m not sure how to open up conversation, with my in-laws. My tendency, is to avoid conflict. And my mainland Chinese relations, including my wife. Are very defensive. The kind of criticism, that a good friend would offer. Is taken, as an attack on the whole culture. It’s a different way of seeing things. “If someone steals from you, they were smarter” so, always be on the defensive, because “they” will.
Personally, I believe a person with a high EQ has realized that you "choose" to be effected by other's emotions. You can be an observer, or listener, and not be drawn into their drama. It's ultimately a choice so many people don't know they can make.
cbcbb ;
Excellent observation. I’m going to put this to a trial test, and mindfully just observe & listen. I wonder if people will even notice.
I heard all of these time and time again from my mom when I was growing up... Explains so much.
"That reminds me of a time when I..." makes me think on how I interact.
Most of my parents' language growing up consisted of these phrases
Mine too.
devaski same with me, and probably a huge reasons why we stumbled on this channel
I think mine too because I am saying a lot of things to my daughter and now I see how important this is going to be to raise my eq...
Same.
I hear you on constantly hearing those phrases from my mother.