How to Make New Friends As an Adult
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- Опубликовано: 11 сен 2024
- In which we tackle your most popular question: How do you make friends as an adult? These are our strategies and best practices for meeting new people, making buddies, and generally becoming a more happy human.
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"How to Adult" is a new "life skills" edutainment channel executive produced by Hank Green and John Green. Subscribe for new videos every week!
Some possible sites for making friends (not official endorsements or anythin' -- well, except for the Nerdfightaria one):
nerdfighters.n...
www.meetup.com
www.girlfriend...
www.craigslist....
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This episode of How to Adult Directed, Edited, Hosted and Co-written by:
T. Michael (Mike) Martin
/ tmikemartin
(Mike is also a Young Adult novelist. His book, THE END GAMES, is available at all online booksellers, including Amazon: www.amazon.com/...)
Co-written by:
Emma Mills
/ elmify
Executive Produced by:
Hank and John Green
/ vlogbrothers
P.S.: Thank you, Josh Sundquist ( / joshsundquist ) for the awesome quote at the beginning. :D
"Do you like skinning and gutting animals? That's something I like to do in my free time-
where are you going"
All the Thumbs Up.
Literal (and very large) LOL. Thank you, Emily. :D
- Mike
Yes. I do. Let's do some of that together.
Oh absolutely! Skinning and gutting are my favorite! We should hang out sometime!
In this crowd, that will get you a busy busy social life.
I am always under the weird impression that everyone else already has enough friends.
I think we all are. Other people probably think the same about you. Our brains are weird. But, with a little tinkering, they're also pretty wonderful. :]
Thanks so much for the comment!
- Mike
I do have enough friends and really great ones - but when ever I say that I am not going to make any time to hang out with new people, someone awesome and who brings a new perspective into my life comes along and there I go finding time to make a new friend! .. Hoenstly if someone really is too busy or not interested/motivated then you will know.
They have enough friends but not that one damm friend maybe u can become if you try
They have enough friends but not that one damm friend maybe u can become if you try
They have enough friends but not that one damm friend maybe u can become if you try
Joining musical societies, choirs, clubs, sports teams, taking regular classes in something (cooking, dancing, a new language) or anything else that forces you back into a school-like environment (forced repeated interaction) is great for making friends. I've also found that at work, I try to hold out as long as possible between first introducing myself to someone and revealing to them that I make RUclips videos and inviting them over for Doctor Who marathons. In most cases I have found this delay was not required, but it's always safer to bottle up your crazy fan girl until you know them a littler better.
it's easy to burn people with "non standard" hobbies
I'm starting to realize that getting acquaintances is easy but taking it to the let's-hang-out-apart-from-the-common-activity stage is daunting. It turns out, all it takes is asking, hey, want to get coffee sometime? Worst case scenario: they say they're busy. I'm going to try having friend first dates more often.
I second this! I also have trouble making the jump from acquaintance to friend!
I was riding in the car with my sixty-year old mother yesterday and when she encountered a difficult driving situation she chanted to herself, "I'm an adult. I can do this." I found it encouraging that even people who I consider to be the realest of "real adults" still have to reassure themselves that they are, in fact, adults.
The first friend I tried to make in kindergarten was a girl named Marcie. It was the first day of class and we all had name tags and we'd made macaroni necklaces with our favorite color beads in between. I saw her by herself, so I walked up to her and said "Hi, my name is Tori. What's yours?" She looks at me, raises an eyebrow, then points to her name tag and says "It's Marcie, can't you read???" And my poor kindergarten baby self was like "YES" then ran away crying. A few minutes later at recess a girl named Megan came over to me and introduced herself and asked my name. SHE became the first friend I made in school lol.
I'm sorry Marcie was mean like how can a kindergarten kid read yet🥺
I've had a particularly hard time making friends with coworkers.
One once asked me if I drank, smoked, or went to clubs, and when I said no to all 3, she rarely talked to me again. The others had conversations about their parties and things. What do you do when everyone else is into stuff you wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole? I just want someone to go on a nice walk with, or see a movie, or come over and bake things and talk about books we've read. Ya know?
I found that joining clubs which do things that I like is a great way to find new friends. You could join a walking group or book club and you're likely to hit it off with the people there :D
How has it been?
Great job Mike! Thanks for making this video.
By best advice on friendship in general is to be aware that friendships change. I went through a really rough time with my friendships with my guy friends who got married. They stopped always being available and it seemed like they were spending all their time with their spouse and new friends who weren't me.
But now things are WAY better because, through counseling and the help of a life coach, I realize that people change and that's OK. If you care about that friendship you'll be able to find NEW ways to hang out. It may not be the same as how it used to be but if you have a strong friendship it will be able to adapt. :)
Agreed! (BTW, I have also worked with a life coach and think they are A+++++.)
Thanks for watching!
- Mike
I think this is one of the more important lessons in friendship. I've had my best friend since 8th grade (US school system, about 13/14 years old and we're 31 now) and we are still amazingly close. We've gone through quite a lot together, sometimes where I've questioned how strong our friendship is. Turns out,it's always stronger than I think.
Another lesson (or two) to keep in mind is that (a) you get back what you put in. Sometimes you get crazy back, sometimes you get those deeper moments, but if you're looking for those deeper moments right off the bat, don't worry because (b) sometimes things just need a bit of time to grow.
I mean, seriously...let Anna and Hans be a lesson to us all.
I've had this video in my "Watch Later" que since I graduated college (almost 2 years ago now).
I can honestly say... Even after watching it I'm at a total loss. I so deeply crave a strong, open relationship and a group of close friends like I had in college, but talking to people is so hard for a number of reasons.
I've tried co-workers, meet up, dating websites, shoot, even freaking Craigslist (spoiler: Horrible idea.) but nothing seems to work out... Sigh.
Elijah Moore See if you can make online friends on Facebook and LinkedIn, and see if they're near enough to meet up with.
I will be a "legal adult" in less than a month and am looking to learn about the financial aspect of adulthood as well as things like cooking, budgeting, buying a car, etc. I'm definitely looking forward to videos about these things!
I have learned a ton from the radio show Marketplace Money www.marketplace.org/money
Personal Finance for Dummies is a good reference also!
Cooking is probably the easiest on that list (once you get into it anyway!) The internet's a great place for recipes, but I recommend getting some cookbooks as well (either buy them or get some from a library). :)
Fastest way to have a great credit score - is not to have a lot of debt and to pay off any financing/loans quickly. Best Wishes on adulthood.
Tyler x Thanks! I'll definitely have to check that out :)
Actually, I'm much more open now than I was in school, but it's still harder to make new friends. I think its mostly because there are less common reference points for adults. As a student, if you're not talking about common professors or classmates or cafeteria food then "What's your major?" is an easy to get someone to open up about their passions. With adults there's not much in common except traffic routes and financial planning options and "What do you do?" makes people talk about something they'd rather have left at the office.
The dog park will not harm you. Do not make eye contact with the hooded figures.
But seriously, I make new friends by staying active in a college group that centers around all things nerdy, even though I graduated 5 years ago. And I'm not the oldest person still active in this group either, not by far. I also met my fiance' at the con we held when I was senior. And since every year brings new people, I'm always making new friends.
Dogs are not allowed in the dog park. people are not allowed in the dog park. there may be hooded figures in the dog park. do not look at the hooded figures.
Miccella Staiano Glad I am not the only one who thought of that!
+Miccella Staiano HAVE I FOUND A FELLOW MCR FAN
HAVE I FOUND ANOTHER KILLJOY
??
Isabelle Woodhouse
you have, indeed, found another killjoy! *waves hand*
Miccella Staiano *waves back*
WE'LL CARRY ON
Isabelle Woodhouse for a split second I thought G's face was actually G...
I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS AS A TEENAGER.
***** wanna be friends with me ladies? (I'm 16)
Thindorama No, but only because you said "Ladies."
ByTheWayDon'tDoThat and what's wrong with that goddamnit ? I swear you girls will say just about anything to appear classy as fuck and "empowered" please correct me with an explanation of your logic if im wrong
Because you're 16 not 60 but ok
ByTheWayDon'tDoThat sorry what that doesnt even make sense goddamnit
I totally over share early, like I see someone is interested in something I'm interested in and I'm like PAAARAGRAAAAPHS.
Please someone tell me you do the same.
Every time. I care so much that I think it weirds people out.
OMG yes! Every single time!
The way that I make friends is kinda like I always did as a kid. I'm open and honest and I let myself get hurt sometimes but that's ok because I've got plenty of people to pick me up afterward exactly because of that. Every time I see someone, even if I'm in a bad mood or hurting I smile at them and maybe say hello. Most people either ignore me or look at me strangely but I find that a lot of people, especially older people appreciate it and smile and say hello back. This might not make everyone my friend but it seems to brighten people's days, especially my own.
It just seems so fake when you're actively aware of trying to "trick" people into being your friend. When I was a kid I made friends spontaneously because of school, I genuinely didn't think about the meta implications of "making" a friend.
I feel like placing importance on adult friend relationships diminishes the relationships that I had with people that weren't pre-calculated. And also simply that they aren't worth as much, and I'll never care about the relationship as much as my "valid" friendships. But the need to make adult friends is ever present, because my school friends have all but faded away into their own new social groups. And that's depressing.
And honestly, I think that making adult friends (at my age of 21) is solely dependent on a common desire to go out and drink, which is something I'm not interested in. I'm interested in staying in my room watching RUclips videos lol.
I don't think you need to view it as "tricking" anyone - friendships, like all relationships, should be about honesty of intent and good communication! I think as an adult it just becomes a desire like, "Hey, I find myself lonelier than I want to be. Let me hang out doing things I like in the hopes that someone else who likes those same things is also lonelier than they want to be!"
Yes, you are going into the situation with the intent to meet people, which might be different than how you make friends at school. But hopefully, if you pick an activity that you enjoy, it becomes more of a case of doing something fun with other people who happen to share your interests - whether you end up getting closer to them or not. Then you're not tricking anyone: you're doing your thing, and maybe other cool people will want to do their thing in proximity. :)
Bookstores if you like to read. I've made some awesome friends just by talking about and suggesting books. People are way more open to conversation and you already have something in common if they're in your section.
I have a problem with oversharing. I seem to get too attatched too quickly. How do I stop myself from doing that?? It puts people off :(
alltoohuman01 Something that you have to understand is that people love talking about themselves. Next time instead talking about yourself try to get to know the other person by asking them questions about them. They will love that :)
I think there needs to be a distinction between making friends and making acquaintances. There are many people in my life that I would greatly consider acquaintances. I get along well with these people in any social setting we happen to be in, but beyond that, these are not people who will take the time to hang out with me. And in the end, are these the people I want to truly hang out with? If they don't perceive my time as something that's worthwhile, then perhaps it's better that we stay acquaintances. It's not for lack of trying, it's just something that seems to happen quite often.
Also it so happens that I would prefer making friends with people who don't actively try do dismiss who I am. It's much harder trying to find friends if you're afraid that your "new friends" disagree with who you are as a person...
I've found that I kinda lay the socialness on thick when first meeting people, then I scale back as we get to know each other until we've meshed into that natural friendness. Most times, your friends don't remember exactly how you met, and it's good to build a good, strong base to the relationship at the beginning to take pressure off of them. Even if your friends do remember and maybe comment that you were obnoxiously friendly, it makes for a good laugh down the road. :p
Well, shit. The first 22 years of my life I had no friends (I have Asperger's Syndrome. Talking to people is practically impossible. And so is eye contact.). I never knew (until now) that not having friends would shorten my life expectancy. THIS SUCKS.
You could have internet friends. Nerdfighteria.
Hi, Joshua. Thanks so much for the comment.
I won't pretend to know what it's like to have Asperger's, but I do want to let you know that one of my best friends has Asperger's, and I love that guy. We have similar interests, and he's got an awesome and kind spirit, and also he has the most incredible knowledge base of video games this side of Wikipedia.
It's true that he can have a hard time communicating -- he gets overwhelmed, sometimes, and has to close his eyes and hum -- and there have been people who have not "understood" him. But -- and this is the point I'm trying to make -- there are also people who do understand him and who have come to cherish him precisely because of those things. It takes time, and I'm sure some heartache, and he usually becomes friends with people either through introductions from people he already knows, or through message boards and things like that.
I hope I don't sound prescriptive or glib. Like I said, I haven't lived your life.
But as a person with a chronic form of depression, I know (and know well) that it can be easy to believe that the past equals the future, and that if one person (or even many people) rejects us, then everybody will. And that is just not true.
Thanks so much for watching, Joshua. And keep remembering to be awesome.
- Mike
It's also worth noting that when studies look at the effects of things like having a social network, they're looking at averages. Not everyone is going to respond in the same way to the same experiences, and having Asperger's Syndrome is a particularly strong reason to think that your response to different social experiences may be different from the average.
Of course, like the other posters, I'd encourage you to not despair if you want to make more friends. But if you're happy with who you are and what your life is like, that's totally okay to.
I grew up with AS too. I have friends because I went to public school and kind of learned how to do people. But sometimes I'm not sure if it was worth the emotional scarring.
Hello, fellow Aspie. Figuring out social interactions can be difficult. I've found that, if you learn the basics, good friends will be understanding about your quirks and will let you know when you need to make an adjustment to your behavior or something like that. Beyond that, just be your awesome self and DFTBA. You've got this.
I think it's also good to remember that you move somewhere new (be it going to college, transferring, graduating, or finding a new job) you won't know people right away. You'll go from a good network of friends to a brand new place and no friends. It can be jarring, but it's totally normal. As previously stated, friendships take time.
I am definitely one of those people who have trouble making friends. My problem is I usually just want to skip past the awkward stage where we're not comfortable and just be friends. I have trouble being patient and working my way to that point.
Awesome video! Something I had to learn was to take the initiative more often (something I'm still working on). I'd wait around for these cool people to invite me somewhere, then wonder why I had no friends. I had to learn that building a friendship is a mutual effort. Someone has to plan the first activity!
If you're a young adult out of college, without many college friends (because of transfers- I transferred 3 times for my degree) it can be hard to find new friends. Most of the time when you enter a spouses family, or enter a new career, or find a new social hobby, the people there are 15+ years older. That's not a problem for me, but it seems a problem for them as you are just the cute youngster. Because of that my close friends are just my sister, sister-in law, and husband. And we have different friendships than we do other parts of our relationship, and I would stress that to anyone as well. Be friends with your family and find a way to have a different friendship that is not about your family roles to each other.
I really love this channel! Two approaches that have really worked for me are joining clubs/doing activities that I'm interested in and getting to know the people there, and just randomly talking to people. Also, you can now make friends with old people, and they won't seem like your parents! I've had some really awesome conversations with 50 and 60 year olds. It's like secret bonus friendships you never knew you could have.
Unrelatedly, the content of this video was awesome, but I didn't enjoy the zooming in every time the camera switched to a face and torso shot.
I recently decided to cut off a large amount of my friends (for the better) and did most of it by just letting it fade away. One of them (my best friend at the time) I just stopped replying. It was really hard at first but now I feel so much better and more free.
"Want to go get a cup of coffee?" has worked for me.
I've had the same group of friends all through middle school, high school, and college, but now I've moved out of our hometown and across the country. I kind of have trouble making new friends because I already have this amazing support network, and I feel that anyone else couldn't possibly understand me as much as they do because of this 10+ years of shared history. But, even though I still have them for emotional friendship times, being alone in a new city and not having anyone to physically hang out with is becoming a bit of a problem. So thank you for this video! I hope with this advice I can find some new friends.
3:05 DO NOT GO INTO THE DOG PARK
DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT THE DOG PARK
Now, now, that's a bit extreme, don't you think? It's okay to go to the dog park, just don't initiate contact with the hooded figures lurking on the premises.
I tried taking my dog to the dog park once, but when we got within fifty feet of it Sparky's eyes started glowing an unearthly red, and he began to intone, "Are you a god, that you would betray the boundaries set for mortal feet? Your soul weeps loudly as it walks into the lion's den. It is screaming at you, begging for mercy, begging for--" And then Sparky caught on fire.
Amethystic95
wow, dude, you were lucky
"When you least expect it, the album id going to drop" That was amazingly delivered. Well done! I've just subscribed and am watching everything.
I wouldn't recommend the dog park for making friends, because the dog park does not exist, and if it did people would not be allowed in.
Dogs are not allowed in the dog park. People are not allowed in the dog park. You may see hooded figures in the dog park. Do not approach them. DO NOT APPROACH THE DOG PARK.
myexplodingcat omg you didn´t just...
I've always had trouble with the step between meeting the person at the "repeated unplanned interaction" (like university) and being very friendly with each other and perhaps even meeting outside of the school invironment in groups with others...to hanging out with the person alone.
I recently had to move to a brand new city where the only person I really knew was my husband, who had already been there for a few months. I'm introverted, so it felt like an impossible task to make my own new friends. So I met other spouses who'd moved to the area, I made coffee dates with a few of my husband's friends, I went out with people from my new job, and I took a real leap by signing up for a "dinner with strangers" event. Not everything is 100% successful, but I have made some real connections here. Everything in the video is true. Share an experience with someone and see where it goes. Be a good friend and you'll have good friends.
Maybe you should try New Crew. It's an app to help people make new friends as adults. You can sign up at newcrew.co
I think one of the problems about making friends for adults is there are fewer common obvious reference points for adults, and that circles back to adults being more guarded: when we were in school, being open had no potential negative consequences: worst case, we'd just keep going to class and eventually graduate barring illegal stuff. But as an adult, baring your soul can get you fired from your job or at least lose you the promotion or raise you were hoping for simply because we think they won't like what they hear about us. Especially if it gets to the boss, which with coworkers, is way too easy to do.
So unless you're in a very relaxed work environment and your boss has made it obvious that he won't care regardless of what or who you are (or you really don't care about your career there), it's probably best to keep coworkers and work relations as "acquaintances" unless you knew them before joining that workforce and focus on extra-curricular activities for your friend finding needs.
This can also help break the ice: because you and this other person are at this activity, you have something in common to talk about that you both know (or at least highly suspect if either of you are new) that each of you likes a lot. So talking about the activity with the person can easily get a nice conversation rolling that everyone's enjoying. And that's how friendships can be made: fun conversations around fun activities makes people want to come back naturally, and if it's done enough, eventually, you'll probably get familiar with each other, and then you'll want to try hanging around outside the activity sometimes.
The only real problems are time and energy. Extra-work activities take a lot of time and energy, leaving you too exhausted to fake enthusiasm, and people can tell - and usually don't appreciate, in my experience - if you're just there to "meet people" instead of enjoy the activity itself. So you have to find something you actually enjoy doing for its own sake, and *then* go find people to do that thing with. That will help you make genuine friends without killing yourself or putting a lot of other people off.
The one thing I figure out, in fact, is activity choice. If all the stuff someone likes to do are typically "single person" - single-player video games, watching internet videos, reading books - and you can't seem to find a good group thing you enjoy, then where and how do you approach someone? People at the stores for these things (if any exist) are there to shop, not chat, so talking to them there there seems rude. And let's assume the person doesn't drink, doesn't believe in religion, and that work relations suck - so none of the "traditional hangouts" work here. Also, internet is OK, but it does not yet replace a face-to-face friendship. So where does someone like that go to meet people?
wow, that was a long comment but good thing I read it right till the end
it's hard to make friends if you don't trully enjoy actually social activities
and Internet is not really OK, especially if you mainly surf English language sites and are not actually a native speaker (mostly because the native Internet just sucks)
I think if you don't enjoy social activities it can be especially hard however I think it's also entirely possible. The video mentions sources like meetup.com which centers around getting people together over common interests. However, you mentioned you like watching youtube videos and you want to make friends? To use the ever-popular phrase: there's an app for that :D. To be more accurate it's a device called Chromecast. You hook it up to your TV's USB or HDMI connection and now wireless devices can throw their screen on there and one feature in particular is you can have what's referred to as a RUclips party - people with their phones or laptops can queue youtube videos to be played one after the other. Chromecast goes for $35 and is easy to use =). So invite some people over and have fun seeing what videos people queue up =). But then there's the other issue you mentioned...how do you make friends at places like work?
While I agree that you have to be careful and can't really be yourself at work because - well let's face it - it's a kind of delicate situation more or less depending on your job but there are ways to navigate your way across this potential mine field and that is using powers of observation to determine if people might be into what you're into and the ability to strike up a conversation.
While this doesn't work for the meeting room so much if you ever have to visit someone's office this can be a peek into their life. Do they have photos around? Any knickknacks? If you're working on something together on a computer do they have a unique desktop background? All of these things can lead to clues about what they're into. For example, someone might have some comic book character on their screen's background, or maybe horses, or a famous painting. All of these things can be used to get a general sense of what the person enjoys and if you happen to notice something you like as well, I think it's safe to say you can strike up a conversation or ask a question about the object in question in relative safety. The other thing is to ask innocent yet probing questions. Asking "How's it going?" is safe but will reveal little more than an "Alright." or "It goes." response. Asking someone "How was your weekend?" on a Monday will likely yield a response about what they did over the weekend and will provide openings for further inquiry or response - just be careful over more sensitive issues with this one though most of the time it won't be like that =).
Finally, the number one rule that also goes along with the above when it comes to dealing with people is that everyone loves to talk about themselves. A common complaint/lament I'm seeing here is the "well I'm not into what they're talking about so I have to "fake" being interested." - except you don't. Because the interest comes not in the form of the subject at hand but rather an interest in the person so I don't believe that interactions like this are "fake". Sorry this was so long but I hope that helps =).
Ok, so from this video I learnt I've been in a ruminated state for the past 3 years, awesome.
My first friend was a kid named Oliver; he died in a farm accident when I was a kid, I never really understood how much that affected me until much later in life.
I over share lot lol, but because of that I've always found it easier to be friends with females; which is also the reason why why I've been in this ruminated state for the past 3 years, some people are just so selfish that they're unaware of the damage and affects they can cause to others (regardless of whether she intended to do what she did).
I have an incredibly hard time making friends. However, in college (I recently graduated) my writing/poetry classes were always the most closely knit. One day after class me and two other girls were walking back to our cars and talking about a new movie, one we all wanted to see, and half serious / half joking, I was like, "Oh we should go see it tonight! Why not?" It was a Wednesday, but yeah - why not? Me and one of the girls ended up swapping numbers right then and we met up that night for dinner and the movie, and now with school over, she's actually become one of my closest friends. I was so nervous that first time we saw each other outside of school but now we see each other regularly once a week, if not twice, and text all the time. Friendships are super weird! But I'm glad I wound up with at least one good friend from college :) since I usually kept to myself.
conventions can be a great place to make friends because evwryone there already shares a point of interest with you
PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO SAY "NO" TO PEOPLE
***** THANK YOU
"Thanks for the invite, but I'm going to pass.", or
"No, thank you.", or
"I'd rather pull out my finger nails with needle-nosed pliers!", or...
This is SO hard, I turn stuff down a lot but I always feel really guilty afterwards and like I've burnt all the bridges even if my 'no' was a genuine excuse :(
LizTiddington Well, what I usually do is if I have to decline an invitation, even if it's for a real cause, I try and find a way to invite that person to something else as soon as possible
Step 1: Pull out calendar/ open calendar app
Step 2: Cover eyes with hands or other object that will prevent you from seeing said calendar without putting it away
Step 3: Say "I'm sorry, but I don't see time on my calendar to do [thing]."
Join a few book study groups. Suggestion: If you live in a rural area it is harder , but more affordable and lovely to live there, so join a few (find postings at your local library). Wow - I love the talking at the end. You two are so sweet. :)
I surprised myself by actually making friends when I traveled recently. Meeting up with the local nerdfighters helped a great deal, but so did a tip I got from one of my cousins who had previously gone abroad: "say yes to things, even if you're really tired/don't really feel like it!" Not that you should ignore how you feel, obviously, but as a shy person my automatic reaction to being invited to something might be no... so I practiced saying yes, even if I was scared about it or didn't really feel up to it, and almost always, I ended up having a great time :)
thank you for making this video, you are awesome! I joined a martial arts club (as I was interested in this as a child) and I found a new group of people who all shared the same interest. It's so embarassing to admit that I don't know how to make friends as an adult, but your video made me feel so much better as I realised i'm not alone. thanks again, you are wonderful human beings.
I've found several issues with myself that will make your method utterly useless on my particular case:
1. I've had little to no relationship with humanity since ever, mostly because I was the typical bullied kid that nobody dared to be around and I don't want to risk making people that currently ignore me to turn against me
2. Because of this social isolation, my hobbies are extremely unique, my viewpoints on usual talking topics are severely deviated from the norm, and thus finding people that share them would basically require me to travel to another continent
3. My job allows very little in-site social interaction and leaves me very little free time
4. The only constant non-professional social interaction I have is from my overdemanding family that sees me as a maladapted, egocentric and lazy load to society, and they may be probably right
Wanna be friends?
:)
People like interesting people, try opening up, but don't make your opinions sound like the only correct opinions. I was home-schooled til college and I was able to make friends simply by being odd and simultaneously pleasant to be around. Also, don't push your uniqueness on people, nobody likes to be told they are average, and contrast is the easiest way to say that.
Quinn Potterf
Well, that's a good part of my problem: I feel the need to correct people when I think they're wrong. Very especially when they're being hopeful when evidence points otherwise, or when they consider mandatory something that I find as unneeded.
Dude, me too totally. My new years resolution is to correct people less, but I've realized that all I can do is simply do it more kindly, and if what they are saying has anything to do with their opinion, simply state my counter opinion, and try as hard as I can not to judge their opinion into the ground.
You sound a lot like my boyfriend. He is awesome and I'm sure you are too. I advise you to join some manner of geek-driven club (ever considered tabletop gaming?) everyone in those clubs are the interesting ones :)
The visual gags on these videos are awesome!
The summer camp I attended as a kid and worked at a few years ago has a really strong community of people who stay involved with it and that means I have friends from there in a bunch of different places. So there are several cities I could end up in next year where I'll have built-in groups of people to talk to or hang out with, which is awesome!
My best friend in college and I met because we liked the same TV show. We've now roomed together for 3 years.
Thank you so much for the kind words! And that's so great that you've got friends at your different prospective cities. What a difference that can make!
- Mike
As an adult, I find it just as difficult to make friends as it was when I was younger. I have always been untrusting. It's that the friends I've make overall have been a negative experience. Sometimes people become my friend just to take advantage of something that I have that they don't. Once I provide them with whatever that is, they stop talking to me.
But none of that matters when I don't have time for friends because I have an evening work shift. When I go to work, everyone else is coming home. When I go home, everyone is sleeping. And when I'm sleeping, everyone is at work.
As an adult, I now see why adults can be so bitter.
Wait, why are you at the dog park? Get out of there, before you get caught.
I had a terrible experience with making friends in university, I'm a terribly shy person and I have no idea how to start a conversation with a stranger, plus up until I was 18 I went to the same school, I lived in a small town and I had the same friends since I was six years old so I had no problem then. We remained best friends till high school so the problem happened when I got to university. At first I was soooo shy and it was horrible, I had no idea how to make new friends with people I've just met and messed my school... Anyways, it took me almost a year to find out who I really wanted to spend my time with and she became my best friend ever since...
My point is that the real advice I want to give is it takes time, you don't need to rush to be friends with someone just to find someone to hang out with, it takes a while to find someone you can be comfortable enough with to share and it's totally worth it!
(Btw, all the above is just my personal experiment, maybe it took me longer time because I'm a really shy person who prefers spending her time reading a book than talking with strangers; my sister recently got into the same university and she doesn't seem to have a problem in making friends, it took her about a couple of months to adjust...)
The first 13 years of my life were the worst, I had no friends at all, I couldn't even talk, I was silent in class and nervous whenever someone tried to talk to me (I have Aspergers Syndrome) Silence is all I can really do, I hardly even talk to my family, I just feel unsociable all the time, doesn't help when you're in year 9 and being called a silent unsociable nub, I just always worry about adult life, how will I make friends? At least I found this channel, it kind of helps to hear that it's hard for many adults as well, it makes me feel not so lonely.
I am so sorry that you feel this way, but if I could maybe encourage you? I felt like this as a child and teenager, I felt like I never had anything to contribute towards conversations and I much preferred to sit and listen. My parents thought I might have Asperger's, but I have never been assessed, so I don't actually know whether I do. I still find social situations incredibly awkward and confusing, and sometimes I have to just turn around and walk out, even with people I know really well. I remember year 9 vividly and it wasn't pleasant. I am now just about to turn 24 and it really, really does get better. *So much better*.
I have close friends now, but I would say that that's something that only started at around 18 or 19. Partly, that's from going to university and meeting people who had the same interests as me (I listened to so much Radio 4 with my housemates, and previously I'd thought I was the only teenager in the world who liked it!), but mostly it's from the fact that when you are an adult, you begin to realise that pretty well *everyone* feels unsociable and awkward and uncomfortable, just some people are better at faking it than others.
Because you are a bit more inside your head than some people, you probably have a really interesting personality. You have a lot of things that you think about and turn over and over in your head; when you watch stuff or observe stuff in the world, you wonder what you think about it. A lot of people get to adulthood and are really boring because they've never bothered to think deeply or critically about things--but even just judging by your short comment, I know that you are not one of those boring people. I know that, at the moment, it feels rubbish to be the quiet uncomfortable one, but as you get older it will get better. You have so much to contribute to a friendship. My closest friendships are all with people who hated school and felt incredibly lonely, and they are all amazing people. You will probably grow to feel more comfortable to be able to share your lovely interesting self with people, as you begin to realise that other people feel uncomfortable too, and as they grow up, they will realise how valuable different opinions and personalities and perspectives are.
tl;dr: It gets better and quiet people are normally the interesting ones in the end! I hope this helps at least a little bit.
I find it so ridiculously hard to make friends, so this video really helps. This channel is brilliant, thank you so much for starting it!
I broke up with my "best" friend of 7 years a few years back, and it's nice. I essentially have one friend now, but I'd rather have none than someone as awful as she was.
I still am bff's with my two besties but they are states away. I have friends here but none close that really get me and who have time to be a great friend. this is important
i'm still in high school, but i do have the most wonderful best friend ever. i met her my freshmen year which was her sophomore year and i don't know what it was but we definitely had an instant connection and have grown as friends over time. i have friends outside of school and find it relatively easy to make friends. i genuinely care for people and do engage in conversations so perhaps that's the key to it.
School/ university always worked for me. Also getting to know people through mutual friends. I like planning trips for my friends and they sometimes bring another friend who somehow automatically becomes a part of the group. Good job with the videos, keep them coming! :)
Thank you! We will! :]
- Mike
The earliest friend I can remember, I met in daycare when we were little. I lost contact with him when we got too old for it, but we met up again in high school and he's my best friend now even after we graduated.
So don't assume all your old friendships are gone forever just because they're gone for now. Keep an eye out. You might get lucky.
I lived in Cairo for a year, and my roommates are how I made a LOT of friends. One of them invited me to a couple of parties of his friends, and from there I made friends of my own through his friends. So, if you live with roommates (who seem like cool people you would want to talk to in a social manner), ask them if you can tag along on something (use your best judgment here: them going to the movies with a group of people yes, them going to an intimate dinner with one other person, no).
You are NOT supposed to talk about the dog park! Don't even THINK about the dog park! Heed Cecil's sage advice!
***** Grazie :)
Nice dog park we've got here.
Be a shame if anything were to happen to it.
NickGreyden i'm glad i'm not the only one who thought about welcome to night vale
As a midway adult- (undergraduate!) what's I'm most concerned about are things that shouldn't be a problem in a few years, but are really confusing for me now. Like- how to rent an apartment when you don't have a credit score? Or, how to file taxes? Or, how to budget when you have no money (eek!).
Taxes video next week!
- Mike
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Some issues that I deal with makes this harder for me. I have executive dysfunction problems (not specifically ADHD but something similar) and autism. I have regular online contact with folks from a number of different social groups. But out here in the offline world I'm pretty much a loner beyond spending time with my wife. In many ways I fundamentally don't get humans. I tend to spend a lot of time online poking around or in my workshop. I miss hanging out with people. But it isn't something I've really done since I was in my twenties. I'm 59 now. My wife is better at that and has quite a few friends and acquaintances. I tend to stay home while she socializes. Covid hasn't helped as I really don't like crowds any more. I'm not happy about the situation but I've pretty much reconciled myself with being mostly alone.
This makes me think of a quote that's been consuming my life as of yet and honestly, this video couldn't have come at a better time for me!! I AM TERRIBLE AT MAKING FRIENDS! And, I'm moving, so making friends is something I'm going to have to start doing. This video will probably be watched a million more times before I end up making friends, and the steps are great! Though I have to admit, when you got to step 3 I heard "propose" and I was like WAIT I'M NOT READY FOR THAT KIND OF COMMITMENT. XD Great video!
And even though I am terrible at making friends I have still somehow managed to make a couple and what I've found helpful is talking to people in places that you would normally hangout. If you have that place in common, chances are you have other things - like why you hang out there - in common as well, and that makes it a little easier to talk to/get along with people.
I've asked 1000s of people "do you want to be friends?" I get the same response every time, "hell no." At what point should I give up at this extremely arduous task.
If you break up friendships, tell them why the friendship isnt working for you anymore. they have a right to know that. they have the right to have a chance to improve.
I usually end up in a one-way relationship. It's either where I initiate and they always have something else--until other people cancel on them. Other times they have so many other people in their lives--large families, church, sports team--that I'm just a person they small talk to once in a while. It's also hard to find people you have solid, non-small talk things in common. Even when I do, we don't click. Not sure what is required to click with someone, but I've been a failure at it since everyone hit puberty. I don't think my mindset changed in the same ways as most do in their teens. It was nice as kids when we could just love animals and go on all day reading, drawing, and sitting animals. Or write our own nature magazine. Lobby together. I find the interest-based relationship is more committed in children compared to adults. Lol, how odd I see kids as focused and adults as scatter-brained!
The youtube app doesn't let me reply to comments but here we go.
I am an Aspie w social anxiety, so this obviously results in me not easily gaining friends. I joined a meetup group for socially anxious people about 9 months ago and now have a ton of awesome friends. Meetup is a great way to have a structured activity but allows for free form talk etc after.
Just the other day I was thinking that there need to be pick-up lines, but for people you want to befriend because of how hard it is to start talking to someone you want to be friends with. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one having trouble making friends, thanks for the video!
Is that a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself having a mutually beneficial nonsexual relationship with you where we go bowling and stuff.
Girl, are you Jamaican 'cause Jamaican me wanna have lunch with you sometime and complain about our bosses.
Darling, I want to rearrange the alphabet so that U and I play Settlers of Catan together
Future topic: (please?) How to deal with living alone / moving away. For example, to university or to a new work place. Alone. Or even to a new country. Without a support system. Is that a good option? How to prepare...etc. Thank you.
My new group of friends come from a young adult group through the diocese of Gary in northwest Indiana. I love it because we are a diverse group of people who support each other. I don't know where I would be without them.
I'm a visible minority in my community (and the ONLY non native speaker in my workplace). I find it hard to make friends because people assume that I'm too different or that I don't want to stay here long term and that I will "go back home" in a few years when in reality I have no plans to do so. It's hard to make friends who are genuine and aren't just collecting "foreign friends" to boost their self images or simply want someone to practice a foreign language with for free.
I've used babysitting as a way in toward friendship. Maybe it's not so much a way to make new friends, but for me it has been a way to maintain friendships that might have otherwise faded away. I'm the last single one among my group of friends, many of whom have young children. I've become an honorary auntie to my friends' kids. When I babysit, then I get to see my friends before/after, the babysitting, and it gives us an excuse to see one another more often than we otherwise would, in their hectic lives of parenthood.
I don't remember not being friends with my friend, and apparently when we met I was 3 and he was 2...he is like a brother to me now...being an adult I find that I have to do my interests with groups of people I don't know to get more/new friends...
You put him in the Friend Zone!!
Ryan McKinstry Well...he put me in the friend zone as well...
Ryan McKinstry guys that think they get 'put' in the friend zone are pathetic.
Moving to a new city and state in a few months and a little scared of loosing the friends I have now but this video helped me feel a lot better about the new adventures and new friends I'll meet there. Thanks for the advice! Hope all is well. Love and hugs
I’d never watched any of your videos before until now. But I just wanted to say that I’ve been watching videos on how to make friends all day today and yours was the only one that actually make me smile and laugh. All the others just gave me more anxiety about it. So thanks for making a great video on how to make friends that didn’t make me feel even worse about it! :)
What about making friends in a situation where you don't have anything in common that you know of, or at least are very different? I always find it very hard to carry on a conversation.
Heads up, a big part of this equation is to be yourself and be nice! I know, people say this all of the time, but its important. people know when you're trying too hard and if you're a jerk, people won't want to be around you, so lighten it up! you'll be much happier. So just let it happen, don't force it, and don't go into it expecting anything huge, that way when things happen and friendships work, its a wonderfully pleasant surprise, and when they don't, you can take solace in the fact that you're honest and kind/polite to people :)
Hey, this is great! As of June I'm leaving college for the "adult world" and have definitely been worried about making friends, and having my best friends now scattered around the US instead of right next door.
A surprisingly effective method of making friends is insisting that someone be your friend, though tacitly. More than just a few times, I've decided I like someone and want to be their friend, and so I behaved in a way friends would behave, and sooner or late, people come around to you. Laugh a lot, share stories, be interested, and people will want to know you.
(Just skip to the last paragraph if you don't want back story tldr)
I randomly clicked this video from the sidebar and it had exactly what I needed to hear right now. I recently moved back from a year long volunteer mission in Mexico and felt I had finally found my calling that I never realized in college. I wanted to be an elementary school teacher! But I unexpectedly got into my first serious romantic relationship. He told me he would never do long distance , however, and that I needed to move up to MN with him AND his parents (he lives at home) to make it work. I decided to try it.
Fast forward six months and I realized my relationship with his parents was extremely unhealthy, controlling and negative and so was the relationship with my boyfriend. I started to spiral downward into depression. However, my boyfriend wasn't just my romantic partner, he was now my only friend. I had no idea how to make friends outside of college as right after college I had gone to Mexico. Now everyone I knew in college is settled somewhere else, I only have one friendship that's also become emotionally abusive and guilt ridden, and I was really scared to leave that.
So I left. Not him, per say, but that negative environment I was in, to be with my family and go back to school. To do what I've been dreaming of for the past two years: become a teacher. I'm doing so much better down here: I'm no longer depressed, I'm applying for school, applying for part time jobs that work with kids, reconnecting with my family in a way I haven't felt in years, and feeling like I want to get out there socially again (something that never would have happened with my bf who wanted me around twenty four seven). I'm doing great. My boyfriend is not. He keeps calling me saying how selfish I've been to put my own happiness before his, how I refuse to ever compromise (I should have waited a few years to get my teaching degree, if ever), and that now he sees what's really important in my life is myself, not anyone else. No matter how much I try to tell him I was drowning up there and I'm becoming the person I want to be down here, he still believes it's wrong. After six months of knowing each other, I'm just not ready to change my life for him, or any friendship for that matter. And yet, I still feel enormously guilty for putting my own feelings before someone else's.
Then I saw your video and the words you said at the end spoke to me: "Never let anyone make you feel guilty for wanting to become more awesome." I want to spread awesomeness and decrease worldsuck by teaching the next generation how to do so! My playing small because I'm afraid of losing my friend doesn't help me, him, or the world! I still feel bad that he's hurting from this long distance, but I don't think I deserve to be berated for choosing to get out of a bad situation and trying to make myself better. Thank you for this video.
I swear Mike is the third Green brother.
He is so alike to them both :o
1:41 Get a good friends network and you won't have to quit smoking :p
Making friends in DC was difficult when I first moved here. So many people live here for a couple of years and then move away. Most of the friends I've made - the ones who have stayed - have had nothing to do with my work. I met some at a giant, city-wide game of tag, and a bunch through the local pirate bar and by joining a pirate band (OK, two pirate bands!).
Pirates are clearly the best way to make friends in DC...
well DC was the murder capital of the country for a while so maybe they didn't want to die. on a lighter note city-wide game of tag tell me about that, that sounds both awesome & terrible. And whats a pirate bar?
Pirate bands?! Tell me MORE! (please. if you feel like it.)
The pirate bar is a place called Piratz Tavern in Silver Spring, Maryland. It's awesome. The staff wear pirate garb, they serve Caribbean food and have a great rum selection.
The pirate bands I'm in both perform there (and other places). They're www.piratesforsail.com and facebook.com/misbehavinmaidens :)
Annie Lynsen Omg pirates! I obviously live in the wrong country :(
My best friend and I met because we were both interested in the same girl. We both went out with her at different times, and it didn't work out for either of us. Though I lost a couple "friends" in the break up, him and I have been best buds ever since!
He's like Hank Green and Alton Brown combined!
I'm 30 and I'm still close with my best friend from childhood. I was the best man at his wedding, and I'm his first born's godfather. Amusingly enough we became friends after getting into a fight over a Tonka 🚚 in preschool.
Query: How do you maintain a friendship as an adult? In school, you could rely on repeated interactions with the same people on a regular basis. Now, it takes much more effort to see people you enjoy hanging out with.
Make the effort. Find the way that you naturally communicate with people and make sure you use it frequently. Try to plan group trips or visits for people farther away. Make weekly coffee dates or regular movie nights or whatever your interests are for local friends. It requires effort, but it is well worth it.
I recently had to break up with a friend. It was so awkward. But he was such a strong, negative energy that it was becoming mentally and emotionally exhausting to have him in my life. I don't mind being supportive, but he would become hostile so quickly and it would just be directed at me because I was there to listen. I couldn't handle him. Gotta do what's best for you sometimes. o_o
Thanks for mentioning church friends! Even a lot of young people who consider themselves a part of a certain religion will shy away from church, temple, etc., but it can be a great place to meet people with similar values!
My issue is something that I don't think I've ever been given a good answer for. I could be having a pleasant conversation with someone, then either of us have to go. It seems like it would be creepy to go "Oh, hey, We've been talking for 5, 10 mins, can I have your number to keep up contact? (or other sort of contact info). I've felt like that makes me seem creepy if I ask so I've never actually been able to do that.
I think the number one rules of making new friends is just be nice! Even if it feels awkward trying to make friends with a stranger if you're kind and you don't become friends then you'll at least have made their day better :)
"I like to plan the perfect murder, would you like to plan something with me? We can be best friends in the whole world. I've succeeded 6 out of 6 times already. Wait, where are you going?"
Death Spiral T-shirts need to be a thing. I would Totally buy one, now my head is full of graphic design ideas for the shirt !
yes please
Russell Richard I might have drawn up some graphic design ideas already ... I will post them on my tumblr over the weekend. I wonder if DFTBA would sell them?
I disagree with the generalisations about children. Children will sometimes reject a kid because they're a nerd or they look different or any other random reason, and in that case it will be hard to impossible for a kid to become friend with another kid on the playground. I actually find it easier to make friends as an adult than I did as a kid.
Kids aren't as simple as adults think they are, which is actually a mental note I left myself at the age of five. Seriously, it is.
You were quite wise for a five year old! Life is never simple while you are living it.
Awesome video! Can't overemphasize enough how important being genuine is in the first minutes of a conversation.
I had to make new friends this year, i went to a whole new school after being at the same one for 10 years, and a particularly small school at that (new school:4000 something kids Old school: 1000 maybe). I made myself actually put forth effort into making new friends, i know that a friendship consists of two people and if I don't put any effort into my part of the equation, it will go nowhere. One of my friends also went to a new school, but she didn't try to make new friends, so she doesn't have many (except a snake that is a class pet). I know its hard being the new kid in school, but it is also hard to approach the new kid sometimes. If someone gives off the i-will-shank-you-if-you-come-near-me sort of aura, chances are that you won't go near them. So i always try to be as confidant as i can in new situations, because i know being the new kid is hard, but sometimes starting conversations with the new kid is hard too.
It's so nice that you guys added the part about it being okay to let go of the negative people in your life. Sometimes, that's just as important as gaining positive people!
Continuing to love this channel, keep it up Mike and Emma!
While everyone says it's good to break up with friends because you and your health are more important, I didn't see anyone address the question of how to recognize and deal with you being the friend that is getting the break up, since there are two sides in every break up.
I actually love people who overshare, because it let's me know they're comfortable being around me! And it makes me feel more comfortable being real with them because I know they'll be appreciative of that, too.
Oh, another great thing to try is to see if you have any connections in the area. If you've moved to a new town, see if through friends of friends of friends if there is someone you can connect with. Blind friend date! It could be awkward, or it could not be (because hey, if they are friends with your friend, then they mustn't be all bad, right?)
A friend of mine just moved to Chicago. She only knew one other person there, but a friend of mine from high school (who I hadn't seen in 6 years, but still friends with on FB) lives there. I group messaged them on FB (this kinda forces them to at least say hi to each other, because I am the commonality at first), and they have since hung out (and gotten drunk together) many times since then. Friend +1
for that to work, you need to already have a rather extensive network
There's also something to be said, in the defense of technology, that since I've graduated college and moved back to my hometown, I've been connecting with old high school friends through Facebook. I've already had a baking day and a lesbian-karaoke-bar night!
If there's someone from your memories that you're like 'I wish we didn't fade apart' especially if the reason you did is strictly proximity, and that problem has lessened now, I'd recommend doing that!
For me the single biggest point of friendship has been a sub-culture, Steampunk. a huge community that is as varied as it is large, i find friends i can talk international with, or politics, or creativity, anything! Also, my own past-time of circus-ing has lead to many awesome friendships as well :D
HOW DO YOU MAKE WORDS DO THAT? Well scripted, Michael. I'm so excited that we get to finally see your face!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SAYING SO! (I was super-crazy-incredibly nervous about this. So glad you enjoyed!)
- Mike