Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RUclips. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RUclips. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
Thank you for this enlightening and caring advise. Understanding what is going on inside us in the midst of all the turmoil, is like a silver lining… Bless your heart!
Excellent video, Alan. Thank you for all that you do for the recovery community. Below please find the key points as I transcribed them: What do we need to heal attachment trauma? 1. (11:40) We need corrective experiences of emotional attunement that rewire the brain, lymbic resonance. 2. (13.00) We need to grieve. 3. (14:30) We need to choose a life of connection and a life of letting in emotional nourishment in all areas. 4. (16:40) We need to confront our core beliefs about ourselves. 5. (22:20) We need to strengthen our sense of self. 6. (22:00) We need to no longer accept crumbs of relating. 7. (24:00) We need to check into our body and wake up our body.
This man deserves the Nobel Peace Price. Solid info. Lots of material out there to explain what attachment is, but very very few on what Adults can do to fix it. Again solid info.
The solution to healing attachment injuries is to do our healing work. There is not a simple, quick-fix answer. Emotional, Relational, Developmental Healing Work is dynamic and has many chapters depending on our individual needs. The areas of focus I suggest are exploring Attachment Trauma, Emotional Attunement, Family Patterns, Boundaries and Sense of Self, Shame and Self-Worth, Longing and Loneliness, Reality Distortion, Grieving and Grieving Skills. These are the areas that inform the design of the membership community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating. Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Maybe because his presentation is organized. I've been to several therapists and they seem to be just winging it, no structure in their approach, plus they talk about themselves too much plus I'm not there to see pictures of their pets on their iPads
the first time my 125 an hour therapist interrupted me at a crucial moment to go pee i got up and never returned. When its most serious anf they stray theyre horrible. leave.
Man that sounds like those therapists need more training.. have u got a better therapist? Not all therapists are like this and there are success stories :)
@@taraes.3609 every time you should experience intimacy, you will meet your trauma instead. So intimacy can't fully be enjoyed because it's always tainted by your trauma. That's what I take from this. ...or how I feel.
I appreciate the kind words. Thanks for valuing my work. If you would like more content like this then you may like joining us in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community
I have been confused all my life, trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Primal fear in relationships involving emotional intimacy - nailed it. Thank you!!
Glad this video helped create clarity. You may also want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz We can be proactive around primal fear or anxiety involving emotional intimacy if we know how we show up in those moments. You're welcome.
'We have to change our level of tolerance by practicing intolerance. No more crumbs of emotional relating or non-relating.' Thank you Alan for that at approx. 28:30
Angela, I am glad this material resonate with you. If you would like to deepen your understanding of attachment distress, please consider entering the conversation in the online membership community I started. You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating. Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
So glad for you doll! Same thing here. Alan has helped me so much personally, and with school! I was actually here looking for the FB group, and he replied it here to you! So glad I clicked to reply to you. 🥰
Thank you very much Alan, I need this very much. I kind of know that I need help to heal my past trauma and abuse but I just never wanted to go there and get help. Until I was falling in love with a man who always showed affection and emotional closeness to me and I felt so frightened every time I saw him walking out of the door from me. I was so hurt and I was so afraid to receive his affection and care, the more I experienced the fear, the more I pushed him away from me because I was so afraid of him leaving me. My trauma and abuse wounds were so exposed in the intimate relationship I had with this man.
These are great insights. Glad you like the video. Many of us can relate with struggling with fear or anxiety around emotional closeness or intimacy. We all have different ways we show up to respond to that fear in relationships. By building awareness we can create action-plans on how we'll take care of ourselves next time the relationship trigger happens. If you like this video then you may also want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Here is the link: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Don thanks for the support and for valuing my work. I am glad to hear that you received benefit from my videos. Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution, checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community unity, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
As you suggested sharing our healing process, I found in my own healing that separating and being by myself was very helpful. After being surrounded by individuals with unhealthy behavior for a long time, disconnecting was necessary. It helped me realign with what was real and what was good. I was very lucky to have a couple of solid relationships to help support me during my time of "isolation" though. Additionally, I do believe in soul mates, in the sense that we simply are going to have stronger connections with some people. Your soul mate is that person who, at a base level when not showing attachment issues, understood you the most. That feeling when you don't need words to know what the other is feeling/thinking. No matter how hard you try to recreate that with another, it won't be the same. It is a phenomenon there we don't understand yet. These videos are very helpful and in point. Your insights are very healing! Thank you!!
i want to break up with my boyfriend so many times bc of how toxic our relationship was, but he is my soulmate bc i know that no one ever understands me the way he does, and also leaving him will haunt me with grieve bc i grew up with unavailable parents and he is the first person that cared alot about me. idk what to do now 😭
@@whodafudgeiam8663 I've found that it doesn't matter if a person is your soulmate if the relationship is toxic. What I didn't know, and now do, is that you can find connections with other people that become better than that soul mate connection. I didn't think it was possible, but I'm in a much healthier relationship now and every day my love for my boyfriend grows stronger in a way I wasn't sure was possible when I first started the relationship. I know what you're asking yourself - "Better than the soul mate connection if it were healthy?" Honestly, you'll never know and it doesn't matter because that's not the reality. The reality is you have to stand up for yourself to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself - which is literally the best relationship you can ever have. Point being, you can be happy without your soul mate/boyfriend. You may also be able to work it out - if you both are willing to work on issues, then you might be able to seek counseling separate and together, but if you're not both on board, it won't work. Couple things you can do... 1) Start observing yourself DEEPLY. How do you feel when something happens? What negative feelings do you feel (observe them, don't judge them)? Do you feel any of those feelings are justified? Why or why not? Talk through them as if you were trying to help a friend understand herself better. Or imagine an unconditionally loving mother figure trying to help a teenager or child. 2) Don't place your boyfriend on a pedestal. He may be dysfunctional and there might be good reasons for it (abused as kid, terrible parents, etc) but that doesn't give him the right or make it right for him to treat you wrongly. If he does, you need to 3) Set boundaries. Explain your position, but don't try to convince him it's right. This is how I feel. He can try to gaslight you or tell you you're wrong to feel that way, but you're not. You feel what you feel. It's not wrong or right. It just is. If he's doing something bothersome to you, tell him you won't accept that behavior or there will be consequences. (I will need to go on a break for 2 weeks and think things over, etc) AND FOLLOW THROUGH. Imagine how a non-dysfunctional version of your soul mate would want you to stand up for yourself and behave toward a boyfriend treating you the way he is now. If he is your soul mate, deep down, that is what he will truly want you to be doing. He may not be able to stop his own behavior and needs you to stand up for yourself. This will be an extremely painful process, but what you build from it, no matter the consequences, will be an improvement to where you are now because you will be providing love for yourself, not starving for it from somebody else.
Like depersonalisation/derealisation? When i'm around too many people or I haven't been able to be alone for a time so I can process and reflect on what I think and feel. I get a little sensory overloaded. Either I don't remember most of what's happens or It all feels like some kind of weird daydream I just woke up from. I find looking at myself in a mirror brings me back into my body so I can participate in reality for a bit lol idk if that's the same thing. This is something people don't talk about.
I love your work, sir. It has been a big help to me over the last few weeks as I have been dealing with the break up of my 19 year relationship. Thanks!!!
True ... i never knew that what i was going thru had a name to it. Just got out of a 20 yrs of which last 6 yrs was live in ... he turned out to be a binge drinker n was losing bowel movemnt... and i wasnt sleeping waiting to clean up the mess... n i kept praying 6 yrs of pure hell. Financial and emotionally abused... i come from a childhood which was violent abuse by my mother n after every physical abuse episode she wld cuddle me... i learnt that was how love was supposed to b...translated into this bad relationship. I now pray to have the strength to carry thru my plan to distance myself.
Alan, this is so important, and so overlooked. Thanks for this fantastic information and giving people the information for healing themselves. Yes, it can make you feel crazy for life. In my case my mother was so intellectually present, yet so emotionally absent. Very confusing. We were very animated, like actresses. I always thought my relationship with my mother was GREAT, because I matched her ideas. But I unconsciously showed only the parts of myself I felt she would like. So emotionally I split off, and it wasn’t apparent until I tried to be independent. How can you individuate if you were never attached? You can’t. I didn’t. We need “corrective experiences of emotional attunement that rewires our brain.” To me that is therapy. In that situation the feelings will emerge. Grief but also rage, it seems to me. And for me rage alternates with grief. “Primal panic” great phrase describing the state I live it. It’s utterly exhausting.
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for valuing my efforts. Glad the content offers benefit. We delve into this deeper in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Learn more about the Community: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I can tell you, in my relationship with my significant other, when he says "I love you," he means something different from what I hear, and different from what I mean when I say "I love you."
I have been hurt so deeply that I have a very difficult time believing others are being honest when they even so much as say they care. Inside I say to myself, you don't give a rats ass. Root hurt and deep abandonment issues for sure.
Thank you for watching. I'm glad that this brought you the clarity that you needed. I want to recommend my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses, which is based on the four ways (running, poking, hiding, and submitting) that we respond to fear and anxiety in our relationships. These responses are based on old attachment injuries and traumas. Healing from these can allow us to create healthier, more effective and beneficial ways of relating to ourselves and others. Take the quiz now to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Many of us can relate to your feeling of a need for clarity. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I appreciate the feedback. Glad this video was helpful for you. Thanks for valuing my effort. This topic also comes up in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
This was probably the most important information I have ever received. Could be the greatest thing I’ve come across on my healing journey. I will be forever thankful for this. Your videos have helped me more than you’ll ever know. Thank you so much Alan !
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for sharing my work has been helpful for you. If you get benefit from my work, please consider becoming a sustaining supporter and join our conversations in the community if you haven’t already done so. You're invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan, wow. Amazing video. I was furiously taking notes to the wisdom you were sharing. Thank you so much for creating this video and uploading it. You're doing wonders for those of us who didn't know there was a name and solution to this problem.
Thanks for feedback and for valuing my work. Good you are learning. Glad to hear this content offers words to name what is going on. Thanks for letting me know this is helpful. If you haven't already subscribed please do. Also, please share this video with others who may also benefit. Help me spread the word.
Hey thanks. I'm glad you thought this one was good stuff. Thanks for letting me know. Since you like this video, please tag a friend and/or share it with others. Help me spread the word.
I have followed Alan for about a year now. I wish I had this information decades ago. I am a 50 year old man, very educated, very successful, very attractive and very lonely. Unfortunately, I unknowingly let attachment issues control me and ruin every relationship I ever had. If you think you have attachment trauma, I hope you learn from Alan and address it before the best years of your life passes you by.
Lew, I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
As they say, better late than never. You have many years ahead of you to work on yourself and find love. Don’t lose hope. I’m 45 and I hope to find the same.
Alan Borage, you are brilliant and brave. And, reading the words and feeling the tone of the many posted comments, I can tell you are much loved!!!! Go Alan Borage!!! you brighten up my life!!! P.x
Valuable teaching. No more tollerence of ;the emotionally unavailable and trying to create a relationship where one can't be created. No more crumbs from somebody who is emotionally unavailable. Go out there and make connections and make dates.
What about moving 13 times as a child-not being able to have long time friends. New schools all the time. I hated school-at least after 6th grade. Puberty and new school again. Sucked. My brother was turning 18 and we were moving again and they just left him in the house-his bed and all his stuff-moved out and left him there. I remember the panic I had. Sadness. Connecting-This is where the trouble is now-Thank God for growth and learning-still hard. Alan......Wow! This is is insightful. Thank You. I have done a lot of my work but this helps define and refine some of the "Stuck" spots.
This Video gives such a good explanation of attachment trauma, I recognise just how much this has affected my relationships. H ave spent years alone and now am on a path to heal my past and experience a relationship that works. Looking forward to more videos on how to heal this trauma
Fantastic content! Very insightful and well expressed. I was moved by this video. Thank you for caring and expressing a potential healing for this pain
Gladys, glad you like this one. Thank you for your supportive words. I'm glad to hear you're receiving benefit from my videos. You might also be interested in checking out my quiz on The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It dovetails nicely off this video. Check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I cocoon, small dark spaces feel safe and comfortable. It's how I deal with shit. People need to respect that isolation time and space. This guy seems like he would try and push people out. Some people need to be alone and that really is ok. That healing can't be found in the outside world or in someone else. It comes from that time we spend alone with our shit.
That narrative that little girls get brainwashed into believing is reality has really led to a lot of frustration. I felt better about myself and my imperfect marriage when I threw it out.
Glad you like this one. I can tell you were engaged with the content by what you wrote. For more content like this, you may like to get in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I see this video spoke to you. I appreciate the comment. Thanks for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn more about how attachment wounds show up in relationships then you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I was held hostage for 5 HOURS & used as a "bargaining chip" IMO by both the robber AND police. I guess THEY had to but they were still bargaining with him and talking about exchanging money for my release. Then he used me as a human "shield" between himself and police so they wouldn't be able to shoot him without shooting me first, and I was thinking they would shoot me to stop him from leaving. It's not like they show on TV but I didn't know that until AFTERward. I was so upset about this that I started believing they shouldn't be allowed to show movies of hostage situations. All that stuff I'd seen caused more stress than necessary in a situation that had ungodly high stress to begin with.
Oh my. I know my basic behaviour is avoiding. And after too much bombarding i get headaches, migraines. Then i want/need to be alone, in silence, darkness, cold. I also vomit, it’s almost like a purge. I also haven’t had a relationship last over 3 months. I am good alone, i almost need time to be only on my own, with no obligations. Too manu obligations - and boom i have a debilitating migraibe. So i’m also worrying now that i can not have a relationship, since i am avoidant and want/need to be alone also - these two are againts one another. So i have my work cut out for me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the information!
So grateful to come across your channel! Been searching and searching for something that resonates with what’s going on in my life and haven’t quite found that until I saw some videos on this channel. I love the educational value and therapeutic value. I feel like I finally have info to really work on myself. My current therapist doesn’t seem to get what’s really going on with me. I have major issues with my narcissistic mother but I feel like she really just wants me to stop using my kids as “pawns” and help facilitate a relationship between them and my toxic mother and I’m just not ready. I’m so full of anger I can’t even communicate with her via email. I am working through my grief and realize I need to work on myself before deciding what kind of relationship I want (or not have) with her but I feel so pressured to just put my feelings aside so my kids don’t suffer by not having a relationship with their grandma. I have such a long way to go and she’s 75 so I also feel guilty that the time I’m spending on getting better may end up meaning I’m not ready before she dies 🤦🏻♀️ I think I need to check out the community
Thank yoi for this Alan. It's been very helpful in explaining what's going on in my restless sleep disturbances and dissociative seizures. It's the trauma response that keeps getting triggered ans looping as my attachment trauma has not been resolved yet. So my number 1 priority in this would be resting my nervous system and emotional regulation.
Glad to hear this is helpful. Thank you for your reflection and for valuing my efforts to offer explanation. I'm reminded how we need gentleness on ourselves as we move through emotionally challenging times. I feel like we can never have enough conversations about attachment trauma.
I appreciate the kind words. I tap into empathy reading your comment. Wishing you self-compassion. Also, this content evolves out of our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. To learn more about the Community click here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I lost my parents by the age of 4 and my family have never been supportive, I know this is the reason why I get so attached to people, every break up I’ve had has lead me into months or even a year of depression where I can’t think eat or sleep properly, it’s soul destroying and my self esteem is non existent, I wish there was an off switch, I don’t want to not experience love and have relationships but this pain really does make me never want to get close to anyone again
Empathy to you. Thank you for commenting. Many of us can relate with struggling when relationships end. Getting support from others who are also learning is helpful for many people. You may want to check out the Improve Your Relationships Community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community based on Self-Directed Healing. Members are encouraged to pick what they want to focus on and create their own healing plans. Many have reported feeling supported by having a space to share their healing processes with others. Consider joining in the conversation. www.alanrobarge.com/community
You are amazing thank you. Wow! I feel like when I went to therapy a couple years ago, all I would talk about is how (romantic) relationships make no sense and I feel like your emphasis on valuing all relationships really resonated with me. Thank u so much, I feel like this video is an important step in my healing:)
Glad this video made sense. Thanks for letting me know you are finding benefit in my work. Partner relationships and redefining valuing all relationships are recurring discussions in the Improve Your Relationships community www.alanrobarge.com/community The community is based on Self-Directed Healing which means members are encouraged to create their own healing plans that will take them one step closer to their goals. Join us in the conversations.
What a great video! Even though attachment theory isnt new to me, I will have to watch at least three more times to digest that amount of high quality content. Thank you for this.
Glad you see the value in my work and videos. Thank you. If you want to learn more about the learning community, Improve Your Relationships, and 8-week Program, here is the link: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you Alan. I will likely subscribe to the community. I'll consume all your free videos first and then join. I have a good feeling this will really help me ☺
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for letting me know this was helpful for you. Also, since you like this video and you might have already heard about this, but you may find the course helpful, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz It takes a deeper dive into attachment dynamics.
Appreciate the feedback. Glad to hear this content is useful for you. Thanks for valuing my work. If you aren't already aware of it, you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Great presentation. We live in a dysfunctional society which contributes to the problem. Being breastfed is very important when it comes to bonding and in some cultures the baby is carried on the back throughout the day rather than left in a room by itself in a crib it can't escape.
Please keep sharing these videos in this informational format, we're learning and attempting to implement this information in our lives incrementally. I have a question wrt trauma being stored where intimacy is needed, how do you address trauma being activated around the space where vulnerability is needed while in relationship when you want to to state your needs and ask for them to be met? Because I think this is where my trauma is activated in that I don't state my needs, overextend myseld and then end up feeling resentful when loyalty amd trust or boundaries are breached
Thank you for the encouragement. Glad to hear the videos are useful and informational. I hear you about liking more videos. Good for you for valuing learning and applying the ideas that resonate for you.
I tried to do your quiz above and couldn't get past the first question because what I do in conflict didn't match any of the answers. Could you include one option of addressing the situation and trying to understand the other person's perspective and being heard but not enjoying conflict? Not everyone is either avoidant or aggressive, some are able to be honest without being confrontational. . All four answers were dysfunctional.
Thanks for the kind words and thanks for valuing my work. We come together in conversations around this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Learn more about the Community: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I'm sorry I don't understand all those terms that you mention in the first thing that you suggest we do. Can you provide a link to the video (if you made it) that expands on that? Thanks. Number one was just too complicated I don't understand it.
Thank u for this great video that acknowledge me more about my strugglings, Mr. Alan. I hope that i can learn to overcome attachment trauma. I should learn a lot.
This was so informative. I want to love myself but shut down when not opening up. I was instilled as a child not to speak. I want to say something but nothing comes out at times. In my 60's still dealing with. The steps are slow but effective. Thank you so much.
I see you were engaged with this content by what you shared. Glad to hear this content is informative and helpful. Also, empathy to you, it's hard growing up with those dynamics. Good you are learning. Thanks for commenting. If you haven't already heard about it and since this content is helpful you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz The course is one response to changing these dynamics.
Thanks for the kind words. Glad this is helpful. Since you like this video you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I had experienced all of the content in this video. It was a very scary world for most of us when all you experience In the informative years was detachment, adults that were not mentally healthy and insecurity. Even though I acknowledge it I still feel very empty even though I do my work. Any suggestions? Alan I notice you never respond to your comments. Please do thank you
Hello. I do not respond to comments because it would be a full time job as an act of service. There is not enough time to respond thoughtfully. I cannot make the call of who to respond to and then who to not respond. If I can't respond to all, then I decided to not respond. The answer your question of "Any suggestions" is a bit vague. There are many, many factors and personal choices that go into creating a plan of Self-Directed Healing. This is why I created the 8-week Program Improve Your Relationships. It offers a foundational structure for you to define how you are going to go about addressing what you need to address. You have to nurture the skills to define your own path. No one can tell you what that path is but others can offer resources and join you in brainstorming options. The community is a learning-focused community and not a therapy community. If this interests you, you can go to www.alanrobarge.com/community to learn more. Thanks for checking out the video.
I'm glad you liked the video Daniela. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins this week. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow. This makes me feel like crying and shutting down. Am planning to learn more about your program. For now there's a bit too much information to absorb. But thank you.
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RUclips. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RUclips. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
Everything you said here is so thoughtful and caring.
Lk
Thank you for this enlightening and caring advise. Understanding what is going on inside us in the midst of all the turmoil, is like a silver lining… Bless your heart!
I am
That's why I feel great/happy when im single and I feel so depressed when a relationship doesn't work out. Makes perfect sense
Excellent video, Alan. Thank you for all that you do for the recovery community. Below please find the key points as I transcribed them:
What do we need to heal attachment trauma?
1. (11:40) We need corrective experiences of emotional attunement that rewire the brain, lymbic resonance.
2. (13.00) We need to grieve.
3. (14:30) We need to choose a life of connection and a life of letting in emotional nourishment in all areas.
4. (16:40) We need to confront our core beliefs about ourselves.
5. (22:20) We need to strengthen our sense of self.
6. (22:00) We need to no longer accept crumbs of relating.
7. (24:00) We need to check into our body and wake up our body.
Thank you!!!
Thank you for itemizing ..great work he makes some good points about not accepting crumbs in a 5min video declaration video which is really well done.
You are a transcribing angel. Muah!
Thank you for transcribing BWI 🙏♥️😎
Thank you!
This man deserves the Nobel Peace Price. Solid info. Lots of material out there to explain what attachment is, but very very few on what Adults can do to fix it. Again solid info.
The solution to healing attachment injuries is to do our healing work. There is not a simple, quick-fix answer. Emotional, Relational, Developmental Healing Work is dynamic and has many chapters depending on our individual needs.
The areas of focus I suggest are exploring Attachment Trauma, Emotional Attunement, Family Patterns, Boundaries and Sense of Self, Shame and Self-Worth, Longing and Loneliness, Reality Distortion, Grieving and Grieving Skills.
These are the areas that inform the design of the membership community I created, Improve Your Relationships.
You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating.
Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
A grieving process is a healing process
How are you giving me more info. in 30 min than the counseling I had for two years.
Maybe because his presentation is organized. I've been to several therapists and they seem to be just winging it, no structure in their approach, plus they talk about themselves too much plus I'm not there to see pictures of their pets on their iPads
Brick House AMEN!!!
the first time my 125 an hour therapist interrupted me at a crucial moment to go pee i got up and never returned.
When its most serious anf they stray theyre horrible. leave.
Man that sounds like those therapists need more training.. have u got a better therapist? Not all therapists are like this and there are success stories :)
Alan Robarge is Awesome!!
The place of the trauma is stored where you experience intimacy. Cry
Tonya Stutz poignant truth. And painful to live with.
I don't get what you say 🤔 would like to understand it 🤷🏻♀️
@@taraes.3609 every time you should experience intimacy, you will meet your trauma instead. So intimacy can't fully be enjoyed because it's always tainted by your trauma. That's what I take from this. ...or how I feel.
Now I know lol
Me too, it's heavy stuff. I'm so grateful to be able to understand it though
"We're inviting nourishment". He's so good!!
Literally the smartest therapist on youtube
I appreciate the kind words. Thanks for valuing my work.
If you would like more content like this then you may like joining us in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community
I was looking for clarity on the definition of attachment trauma and found it explained very well from 4:09 to 9:30 in this video.
I have been confused all my life, trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Primal fear in relationships involving emotional intimacy - nailed it. Thank you!!
Glad this video helped create clarity. You may also want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz We can be proactive around primal fear or anxiety involving emotional intimacy if we know how we show up in those moments. You're welcome.
'We have to change our level of tolerance by practicing intolerance. No more crumbs of emotional relating or non-relating.' Thank you Alan for that at approx. 28:30
That insight was pure dynamite 🧡
After being betrayed by my husband, I'm finding immeasureable personal healing in these videos. Please keep making more.
Angela, I am glad this material resonate with you. If you would like to deepen your understanding of attachment distress, please consider entering the conversation in the online membership community I started. You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating. Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
So glad for you doll! Same thing here. Alan has helped me so much personally, and with school! I was actually here looking for the FB group, and he replied it here to you! So glad I clicked to reply to you. 🥰
I am so relieved to know that what i have been suffering since so many years is real and so accurately described by Alan . Thanks immensely
Thank you very much Alan, I need this very much. I kind of know that I need help to heal my past trauma and abuse but I just never wanted to go there and get help. Until I was falling in love with a man who always showed affection and emotional closeness to me and I felt so frightened every time I saw him walking out of the door from me. I was so hurt and I was so afraid to receive his affection and care, the more I experienced the fear, the more I pushed him away from me because I was so afraid of him leaving me. My trauma and abuse wounds were so exposed in the intimate relationship I had with this man.
These are great insights. Glad you like the video. Many of us can relate with struggling with fear or anxiety around emotional closeness or intimacy. We all have different ways we show up to respond to that fear in relationships. By building awareness we can create action-plans on how we'll take care of ourselves next time the relationship trigger happens. If you like this video then you may also want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz.
Here is the link:
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Alan your ability to relate the complex in accurate and digestible terms is out-freaking-standing! Thank you for the great content.
Don thanks for the support and for valuing my work. I am glad to hear that you received benefit from my videos. Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution, checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community unity, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
As you suggested sharing our healing process, I found in my own healing that separating and being by myself was very helpful. After being surrounded by individuals with unhealthy behavior for a long time, disconnecting was necessary. It helped me realign with what was real and what was good. I was very lucky to have a couple of solid relationships to help support me during my time of "isolation" though.
Additionally, I do believe in soul mates, in the sense that we simply are going to have stronger connections with some people. Your soul mate is that person who, at a base level when not showing attachment issues, understood you the most. That feeling when you don't need words to know what the other is feeling/thinking. No matter how hard you try to recreate that with another, it won't be the same. It is a phenomenon there we don't understand yet.
These videos are very helpful and in point. Your insights are very healing! Thank you!!
i want to break up with my boyfriend so many times bc of how toxic our relationship was, but he is my soulmate bc i know that no one ever understands me the way he does, and also leaving him will haunt me with grieve bc i grew up with unavailable parents and he is the first person that cared alot about me. idk what to do now 😭
@@whodafudgeiam8663 I've found that it doesn't matter if a person is your soulmate if the relationship is toxic. What I didn't know, and now do, is that you can find connections with other people that become better than that soul mate connection. I didn't think it was possible, but I'm in a much healthier relationship now and every day my love for my boyfriend grows stronger in a way I wasn't sure was possible when I first started the relationship. I know what you're asking yourself - "Better than the soul mate connection if it were healthy?" Honestly, you'll never know and it doesn't matter because that's not the reality. The reality is you have to stand up for yourself to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself - which is literally the best relationship you can ever have.
Point being, you can be happy without your soul mate/boyfriend. You may also be able to work it out - if you both are willing to work on issues, then you might be able to seek counseling separate and together, but if you're not both on board, it won't work.
Couple things you can do... 1) Start observing yourself DEEPLY. How do you feel when something happens? What negative feelings do you feel (observe them, don't judge them)? Do you feel any of those feelings are justified? Why or why not? Talk through them as if you were trying to help a friend understand herself better. Or imagine an unconditionally loving mother figure trying to help a teenager or child. 2) Don't place your boyfriend on a pedestal. He may be dysfunctional and there might be good reasons for it (abused as kid, terrible parents, etc) but that doesn't give him the right or make it right for him to treat you wrongly. If he does, you need to 3) Set boundaries. Explain your position, but don't try to convince him it's right. This is how I feel. He can try to gaslight you or tell you you're wrong to feel that way, but you're not. You feel what you feel. It's not wrong or right. It just is. If he's doing something bothersome to you, tell him you won't accept that behavior or there will be consequences. (I will need to go on a break for 2 weeks and think things over, etc) AND FOLLOW THROUGH. Imagine how a non-dysfunctional version of your soul mate would want you to stand up for yourself and behave toward a boyfriend treating you the way he is now. If he is your soul mate, deep down, that is what he will truly want you to be doing. He may not be able to stop his own behavior and needs you to stand up for yourself.
This will be an extremely painful process, but what you build from it, no matter the consequences, will be an improvement to where you are now because you will be providing love for yourself, not starving for it from somebody else.
Grounding is good. Trauma stuff gets stirred and I forget that I can bring myself back. I want to strengthen my sense of who the hell I am.
Like depersonalisation/derealisation?
When i'm around too many people or I haven't been able to be alone for a time so I can process and reflect on what I think and feel. I get a little sensory overloaded. Either I don't remember most of what's happens or It all feels like some kind of weird daydream I just woke up from.
I find looking at myself in a mirror brings me back into my body so I can participate in reality for a bit lol
idk if that's the same thing. This is something people don't talk about.
“Override, dumb down, check out, ignore…try harder to get connection. “ Eke. Practicing intolerance.’ Great phrase.
I love your work, sir. It has been a big help to me over the last few weeks as I have been dealing with the break up of my 19 year relationship. Thanks!!!
True ... i never knew that what i was going thru had a name to it. Just got out of a 20 yrs of which last 6 yrs was live in ... he turned out to be a binge drinker n was losing bowel movemnt... and i wasnt sleeping waiting to clean up the mess... n i kept praying 6 yrs of pure hell. Financial and emotionally abused... i come from a childhood which was violent abuse by my mother n after every physical abuse episode she wld cuddle me... i learnt that was how love was supposed to b...translated into this bad relationship. I now pray to have the strength to carry thru my plan to distance myself.
Alan, this is so important, and so overlooked. Thanks for this fantastic information and giving people the information for healing themselves. Yes, it can make you feel crazy for life. In my case my mother was so intellectually present, yet so emotionally absent. Very confusing. We were very animated, like actresses. I always thought my relationship with my mother was GREAT, because I matched her ideas. But I unconsciously showed only the parts of myself I felt she would like. So emotionally I split off, and it wasn’t apparent until I tried to be independent. How can you individuate if you were never attached? You can’t. I didn’t. We need “corrective experiences of emotional attunement that rewires our brain.” To me that is therapy. In that situation the feelings will emerge.
Grief but also rage, it seems to me. And for me rage alternates with grief.
“Primal panic” great phrase describing the state I live it. It’s utterly exhausting.
I'm finally confronting this issue in myself
Precious. I've re-watched this video a number of times and every word hits home. Thank you Alan.
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for valuing my efforts. Glad the content offers benefit.
We delve into this deeper in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Learn more about the Community: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This video is really giving me hope right now. Thank you Alan 💖
I can tell you, in my relationship with my significant other, when he says "I love you," he means something different from what I hear, and different from what I mean when I say "I love you."
Can you elaborate on that?
I have been hurt so deeply that I have a very difficult time believing others are being honest when they even so much as say they care. Inside I say to myself, you don't give a rats ass. Root hurt and deep abandonment issues for sure.
Alan your words are a blessing and even your energy is healing
So true
Thank you. Thank you for bringing me so much clarity. The kind of clarity I haven’t had in 23 years.
Thank you for watching. I'm glad that this brought you the clarity that you needed.
I want to recommend my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses, which is based on the four ways (running, poking, hiding, and submitting) that we respond to fear and anxiety in our relationships. These responses are based on old attachment injuries and traumas. Healing from these can allow us to create healthier, more effective and beneficial ways of relating to ourselves and others. Take the quiz now to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Many of us can relate to your feeling of a need for clarity. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community
This resonates so deep.
Listening to this while playing basketball at night. So much therapeutic knowledge in a meditative environment. Very helpful
I appreciate the feedback. Glad this video was helpful for you. Thanks for valuing my effort.
This topic also comes up in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
This was probably the most important information I have ever received. Could be the greatest thing I’ve come across on my healing journey. I will be forever thankful for this. Your videos have helped me more than you’ll ever know. Thank you so much Alan !
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for sharing my work has been helpful for you.
If you get benefit from my work, please consider becoming a sustaining supporter and join our conversations in the community if you haven’t already done so. You're invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan, wow. Amazing video. I was furiously taking notes to the wisdom you were sharing. Thank you so much for creating this video and uploading it. You're doing wonders for those of us who didn't know there was a name and solution to this problem.
Thanks for feedback and for valuing my work. Good you are learning. Glad to hear this content offers words to name what is going on. Thanks for letting me know this is helpful. If you haven't already subscribed please do. Also, please share this video with others who may also benefit. Help me spread the word.
Mr
Robarge you are very good at distilling complex ideas
How could anyone give this a thumbs down? Good stuff.
Hey thanks. I'm glad you thought this one was good stuff. Thanks for letting me know. Since you like this video, please tag a friend and/or share it with others. Help me spread the word.
I have followed Alan for about a year now. I wish I had this information decades ago. I am a 50 year old man, very educated, very successful, very attractive and very lonely. Unfortunately, I unknowingly let attachment issues control me and ruin every relationship I ever had. If you think you have attachment trauma, I hope you learn from Alan and address it before the best years of your life passes you by.
Lew, I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
As they say, better late than never. You have many years ahead of you to work on yourself and find love. Don’t lose hope. I’m 45 and I hope to find the same.
Alan Borage, you are brilliant and brave. And, reading the words and feeling the tone of the many posted comments, I can tell you are much loved!!!! Go Alan Borage!!! you brighten up my life!!! P.x
This is Jennifer Sinclair. I am in your community membership group. Thank you Alan!
Valuable teaching. No more tollerence of ;the emotionally unavailable and trying to create a relationship where one can't be created. No more crumbs from somebody who is emotionally unavailable. Go out there and make connections and make dates.
I appreciate the feedback. Thanks for valuing my work.
Thank-you. I need help so badly. I wish there were a retreat where this is offered. Relief from my anxiety only comes when I sleep now…
What about moving 13 times as a child-not being able to have long time friends. New schools all the time. I hated school-at least after 6th grade. Puberty and new school again. Sucked. My brother was turning 18 and we were moving again and they just left him in the house-his bed and all his stuff-moved out and left him there. I remember the panic I had. Sadness. Connecting-This is where the trouble is now-Thank God for growth and learning-still hard. Alan......Wow! This is is insightful. Thank You. I have done a lot of my work but this helps define and refine some of the "Stuck" spots.
Thank you angelic brother ❤ Deeply grateful
This Video gives such a good explanation of attachment trauma, I recognise just how much this has affected my relationships. H ave spent years alone and now am on a path to heal my past and experience a relationship that works. Looking forward to more videos on how to heal this trauma
Fantastic content! Very insightful and well expressed. I was moved by this video. Thank you for caring and expressing a potential healing for this pain
Gladys, glad you like this one. Thank you for your supportive words. I'm glad to hear you're receiving benefit from my videos. You might also be interested in checking out my quiz on The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It dovetails nicely off this video. Check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I feel like taking my anger out on things because I cant stop thinking about this person
but when grieving n healing I want to isolate. I feel safer.
dakine allowing ourselves to experience love and support, or seek that support, is challenge but also a big part of healing. One step at a time :)
@@pratyushadwivedi9270 thanks :)
I cocoon, small dark spaces feel safe and comfortable. It's how I deal with shit.
People need to respect that isolation time and space. This guy seems like he would try and push people out. Some people need to be alone and that really is ok. That healing can't be found in the outside world or in someone else. It comes from that time we spend alone with our shit.
Really good. no more crumbs. Lots of knowledge in this video.
You are divinely sent. Thanks for your clear explanation. 💗
That narrative that little girls get brainwashed into believing is reality has really led to a lot of frustration. I felt better about myself and my imperfect marriage when I threw it out.
Zesty living! I love and appreciate your videos Alan! Thank you truly
Yes, how to heal is what's needed. How to value self What's healthy vs unhealthy behavior in relationships (I.e. friendships, work, and romantic.
Awesome. - Corrective experience/s + Grief work + allow emotional connection ....
Glad you like this one. I can tell you were engaged with the content by what you wrote.
For more content like this, you may like to get in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
This is awesome! Examining core beliefs
I have permission to be intolerant of crumbs and to stop ignoring myself. That's mind blowing! Thankyou
I see this video spoke to you. I appreciate the comment. Thanks for valuing my work.
If you'd like to learn more about how attachment wounds show up in relationships then you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I was held hostage for 5 HOURS & used as a "bargaining chip" IMO by both the robber AND police. I guess THEY had to but they were still bargaining with him and talking about exchanging money for my release. Then he used me as a human "shield" between himself and police so they wouldn't be able to shoot him without shooting me first, and I was thinking they would shoot me to stop him from leaving. It's not like they show on TV but I didn't know that until AFTERward. I was so upset about this that I started believing they shouldn't be allowed to show movies of hostage situations. All that stuff I'd seen caused more stress than necessary in a situation that had ungodly high stress to begin with.
Vicki Bee You are a woman of courage and a survivor don't hesitate to seek help and to recognize your value
Oh my. I know my basic behaviour is avoiding. And after too much bombarding i get headaches, migraines. Then i want/need to be alone, in silence, darkness, cold. I also vomit, it’s almost like a purge. I also haven’t had a relationship last over 3 months. I am good alone, i almost need time to be only on my own, with no obligations. Too manu obligations - and boom i have a debilitating migraibe. So i’m also worrying now that i can not have a relationship, since i am avoidant and want/need to be alone also - these two are againts one another. So i have my work cut out for me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the information!
Thank you Alan. You make sense and bring together all those pieces that have been in limbo for so long.
Thanks for the feedback. Great to hear this content is helpful.
So grateful to come across your channel! Been searching and searching for something that resonates with what’s going on in my life and haven’t quite found that until I saw some videos on this channel. I love the educational value and therapeutic value. I feel like I finally have info to really work on myself. My current therapist doesn’t seem to get what’s really going on with me. I have major issues with my narcissistic mother but I feel like she really just wants me to stop using my kids as “pawns” and help facilitate a relationship between them and my toxic mother and I’m just not ready. I’m so full of anger I can’t even communicate with her via email. I am working through my grief and realize I need to work on myself before deciding what kind of relationship I want (or not have) with her but I feel so pressured to just put my feelings aside so my kids don’t suffer by not having a relationship with their grandma. I have such a long way to go and she’s 75 so I also feel guilty that the time I’m spending on getting better may end up meaning I’m not ready before she dies 🤦🏻♀️ I think I need to check out the community
Thank you very much for making this video . Extremely enlightening.....!
Thank yoi for this Alan. It's been very helpful in explaining what's going on in my restless sleep disturbances and dissociative seizures. It's the trauma response that keeps getting triggered ans looping as my attachment trauma has not been resolved yet. So my number 1 priority in this would be resting my nervous system and emotional regulation.
Glad to hear this is helpful. Thank you for your reflection and for valuing my efforts to offer explanation. I'm reminded how we need gentleness on ourselves as we move through emotionally challenging times. I feel like we can never have enough conversations about attachment trauma.
You're great. Thank you. Been hurting for so long feeling worthless.
I appreciate the kind words. I tap into empathy reading your comment. Wishing you self-compassion.
Also, this content evolves out of our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. To learn more about the Community click here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Man i want to know this kind of info, but listening to this is painful
I've been searching for aswer what is attachment trauma and I finaly found it!
Thank you Alan. :)
I lost my parents by the age of 4 and my family have never been supportive, I know this is the reason why I get so attached to people, every break up I’ve had has lead me into months or even a year of depression where I can’t think eat or sleep properly, it’s soul destroying and my self esteem is non existent, I wish there was an off switch, I don’t want to not experience love and have relationships but this pain really does make me never want to get close to anyone again
Empathy to you. Thank you for commenting. Many of us can relate with struggling when relationships end. Getting support from others who are also learning is helpful for many people. You may want to check out the Improve Your Relationships Community.
It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community based on Self-Directed Healing. Members are encouraged to pick what they want to focus on and create their own healing plans. Many have reported feeling supported by having a space to share their healing processes with others. Consider joining in the conversation. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Yes. This happens to me too. 💕
You are amazing thank you. Wow! I feel like when I went to therapy a couple years ago, all I would talk about is how (romantic) relationships make no sense and I feel like your emphasis on valuing all relationships really resonated with me. Thank u so much, I feel like this video is an important step in my healing:)
Glad this video made sense. Thanks for letting me know you are finding benefit in my work. Partner relationships and redefining valuing all relationships are recurring discussions in the Improve Your Relationships community www.alanrobarge.com/community The community is based on Self-Directed Healing which means members are encouraged to create their own healing plans that will take them one step closer to their goals. Join us in the conversations.
What a great video! Even though attachment theory isnt new to me, I will have to watch at least three more times to digest that amount of high quality content. Thank you for this.
Glad you see the value in my work and videos. Thank you. If you want to learn more about the learning community, Improve Your Relationships, and 8-week Program, here is the link: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks alan, the information your sharing has been really beneficial. Much appreciated.
This was so amazing, literally made so much sense and insightful, you explained and described it so well! x
Thank you so much Alan. This is so straight forward and tough love i need right now to heal. :) Bless you in everything you do.
This video covers a lot of ground. It’s like a condensed course! Thanks Alan.
Brilliant always . Thank you for your help 🙏
Mr. Robarge gets it.
Thank you for valuing my efforts.
This is the best video on RUclips.
Thank you Alan. I will likely subscribe to the community. I'll consume all your free videos first and then join. I have a good feeling this will really help me ☺
Thank you for helping me today. You have a gift.
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for letting me know this was helpful for you.
Also, since you like this video and you might have already heard about this, but you may find the course helpful, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz It takes a deeper dive into attachment dynamics.
Wow this video definitely helped me by seeing through my own delusions
Me too
Thank you. It is very helpful.
Thank you so much. Ive learned allot about myself
"The place of the trauma is stored where you experience intimacy." Wow. Is that the limbic system?
Yes but I think he also meant the spaces where you experience intimacy like familial relationships and romantic ones, maybe friendships too
Fantastic video Alan, thanks
Very helpful, thank you very much ☺️☺️💐💐
So useful. Very grateful to you for doing this.
Appreciate the feedback. Glad to hear this content is useful for you. Thanks for valuing my work.
If you aren't already aware of it, you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Well done. Thank you for this content. Really eye-opening!!
Great presentation.
We live in a dysfunctional society which contributes to the problem. Being breastfed is very important when it comes to bonding and in some cultures the baby is carried on the back throughout the day rather than left in a room by itself in a crib it can't escape.
Thanks for the kind words and for the reflection. Good insight.
Amazing video Alan thank you so much!! Literally everyone needs to watch this.
Very helpful!
Glad to hear that. Thanks for valuing my effort.
Please keep sharing these videos in this informational format, we're learning and attempting to implement this information in our lives incrementally. I have a question wrt trauma being stored where intimacy is needed, how do you address trauma being activated around the space where vulnerability is needed while in relationship when you want to to state your needs and ask for them to be met? Because I think this is where my trauma is activated in that I don't state my needs, overextend myseld and then end up feeling resentful when loyalty amd trust or boundaries are breached
Thank you for the encouragement. Glad to hear the videos are useful and informational. I hear you about liking more videos. Good for you for valuing learning and applying the ideas that resonate for you.
This series is super informative and helpful, thanks for this 🙏🏻
Omg just subscribed. You are amazing. Keep up the good work. You have helped me so much just from this video xant wait fo watch more from u
I tried to do your quiz above and couldn't get past the first question because what I do in conflict didn't match any of the answers. Could you include one option of addressing the situation and trying to understand the other person's perspective and being heard but not enjoying conflict? Not everyone is either avoidant or aggressive, some are able to be honest without being confrontational. . All four answers were dysfunctional.
You’re the best
Thanks for the kind words and thanks for valuing my work.
We come together in conversations around this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Learn more about the Community: www.alanrobarge.com/community
You’re a healer.
I'm sorry I don't understand all those terms that you mention in the first thing that you suggest we do. Can you provide a link to the video (if you made it) that expands on that? Thanks. Number one was just too complicated I don't understand it.
Thank u for this great video that acknowledge me more about my strugglings, Mr. Alan. I hope that i can learn to overcome attachment trauma. I should learn a lot.
This was so informative. I want to love myself but shut down when not opening up. I was instilled as a child not to speak. I want to say something but nothing comes out at times. In my 60's still dealing with. The steps are slow but effective. Thank you so much.
I see you were engaged with this content by what you shared. Glad to hear this content is informative and helpful. Also, empathy to you, it's hard growing up with those dynamics. Good you are learning. Thanks for commenting.
If you haven't already heard about it and since this content is helpful you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz The course is one response to changing these dynamics.
This was great info.
Thanks for the kind words. Glad this is helpful.
Since you like this video you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I had experienced all of the content in this video. It was a very scary world for most of us when all you experience In the informative years was detachment, adults that were not mentally healthy and insecurity. Even though I acknowledge it I still feel very empty even though I do my work. Any suggestions? Alan I notice you never respond to your comments. Please do thank you
Hello. I do not respond to comments because it would be a full time job as an act of service. There is not enough time to respond thoughtfully. I cannot make the call of who to respond to and then who to not respond. If I can't respond to all, then I decided to not respond. The answer your question of "Any suggestions" is a bit vague. There are many, many factors and personal choices that go into creating a plan of Self-Directed Healing. This is why I created the 8-week Program Improve Your Relationships. It offers a foundational structure for you to define how you are going to go about addressing what you need to address. You have to nurture the skills to define your own path. No one can tell you what that path is but others can offer resources and join you in brainstorming options. The community is a learning-focused community and not a therapy community. If this interests you, you can go to www.alanrobarge.com/community to learn more. Thanks for checking out the video.
This is GREAT information. Wished I learned and knew about it sooner.
I'm glad you liked the video Daniela. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins this week. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
This video has really great information, thank you
Love this video. Thank you so very much. It is so relevant to what I am going through. Very valuable and supportive thoughts. Thanks.
Wow. This makes me feel like crying and shutting down. Am planning to learn more about your program. For now there's a bit too much information to absorb. But thank you.
I hear you. Good you are pacing it out. Glad this content resonates for you. Thanks for commenting.
Pick some people? What if you dont have any friends or family where to pick? #foreveralone
Maybe start with the regular person who sells you milk, or a coffee, etc.