Out of Nowhere, I'm Devastated.
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- Опубликовано: 11 янв 2022
- I'm having a particularly difficult day, and I wanted to share some of the aspects of depressive episodes that go with the bipolar component of schizoaffective disorder.
I went through periods today of devastation and just a general feeling of heaviness and despondency, but hoping that it is not the start of a prolonged episode.
If you are also struggling right now, know that you are not alone. And if you need extra support, please don't be afraid to ask for it. If you are in immediate danger, please call a local crisis line, or go to your nearest emergency room.
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I know the feeling, its like a sudden shift in consciousness where everything looks different.. like you passed through a barrier into another version of reality.
Yeah man
I feel similarly, it's hard to describe! It's almost like depersonalization where you feel disconnected from everything
Explaining spiritual happenings in the context of mental illness labels is not of much benefit to me it seems.
I'd love to just claim myself schizophrenic because they have said this about my mother also.
I've over thought and analyzed and over analyzed things for years and it just leaves too many gaps for me to try and explain any of what my life experience entails as this label or that label. I would even be too scared to medicate cause I would rather go through the intensity of certain episodes than to be rendered numb.
Yes oh my god that really is how it feels sometimes! or like you're behind an invisible barrier that you can't remember you crossed but now you're on the other side watching everyone else go through the movements but you can't connect and everything is muffled. Like, your body still does all the necessary stuff, but you're not really there and sometimes i'm really confused as to why i can get up and move and cook, even though i really shouldn't be able to...
When this happen to you, did you do a visual reconstruction of your surroundings?
Does it feel like you transferred your consciousness , outside of your body, into objects?
Did you notice a sudden quietness , as if all sounds were muted?
Does it happen mostly when you experience intense feelings?
Do you amplify feelings?
One thing my therapist told me, which has helped alot, is that when you are going through a depressive episode, just go with it. It's just something your body does. And most importantly to not berate yourself because of it. I have found that it reduces the time of the episode. Also, I have found that a buildup of sugar in my system definitely advances a depressive episode. Detoxing from sugar really helps.
💯 I used to beat myself up so much for being depressed that I would make myself anxious on top of it. I was really afraid of my feelings. Allowing myself some grace, as Lauren put it, actually allowed me to heal a little bit.
Yes, absolutely, diet is a huge factor for me. I have to stay away from processed foods, and things like msg and high fructose corn syrup.
Nature, gardening and creating and lots of sunlight helps me
You were so generous to send all of us hope while you yourself were struggling. I'd like to return the favor: I hope that your symptoms improve soon. You are not alone either. Please take good care of yourself.
It's a horrible feeling, depression in its various forms. I hope you feel well again very soon. Best wishes, Lauren.
Sending love and prayers to you! Thank you for sharing this with us Lauren- we are all sending you and everyone going through a hard time a big collective hug! I'm sorry you've been experiencing the suicidal thoughts- please know that we definitely want you with us!
Adding my hug to that large collective! There are so many of us. So much love and caring.
I suffer from anxiety disorder and my fear is that i May slip into depression and ocd :/
Hugs to you, you are a gift to all that live with mental illness
What a wonderful resource you've become to the "real," world of chronic mental illness.
Lauren, by you opening up your family. you have helped and are helping countless individuals who experience this condition and are facing the daily awareness of struggles that might occur. This is huge for them...to see first hand what it looks like. You know...not only do you share your strengths, but you share what it looks like being in a relationship. The dynamics between you and Rob are so honest and helpful to the loved ones of a person with a schizophrenia diagnosis. Even though you are well schooled in methods used to work through episodes of the disorder coming up...you are so raw and REAL, saying and SHOWING that it's still really difficult to continue with your day. That's what I see as helpful. As a recovering Alcoholic, I understand the need to find others who trudge the road to happiness as I do. Blessings sent your way for finding an avenue to do this during a pandemic. This method is ideal not only in that respect but in that it often offers an IMMEDIATE look into what REALLY happens WHILE it happens. That is an offer of connection to a fellow chronic sufferer, like no other.
People and prosperity,
Cindy
My philosophy on this is that it's an unconscious emotion (usually fear or sadness) trying to emerge into your conscious awareness.
So sorry hun :(
I've been learning Japanese and as my teacher describes it, in the Japanese language, sadness is something external to the body. "There is a sadness" rather than "I am sad". I've been using this a lot, because it frees me from rationalization. Nothing has to be wrong, out of nowhere a devastation can come, a veil of sorrow, and it's a release. I no longer feel like I have to have a reason for being in anguish, it just... is. And, like a weather pattern, it will pass. I wish you gentleness through the night, and if you want to spend time away, soaking in life and breathing, just know that we all accept and appreciate you, always and forever. Thank you for the gifts you give with your presence ;)
I have been in psychosis for the past month. Visual hallucinations, paranoia, panic attacks, and that drop in mood. Now I'm feeling like it's going to go away. It is stressful and scary but we just have hold on for the ride. I know how you feel and it is not easy at all. Much love for you and your beautiful family. 🥰😘
Thank you for being so real. For sharing and making mental health so much more understandable. I reflect on my inner world to and you give me courage. May love be with you always.
Same here.
i also have schizoaffective bipolar type and i feel how you feel. i’ve never heard someone talk about a feeling that i feel so similarly. it makes me feel less alone. i want you to know you’re not alone. your channel means so much to me, especially with explaining to my family what my symptoms are like. i’m so sorry you had to feel the low (i call them my drops), and i wish you better days to come. i know i’m just a stranger on the internet, but i care for you, and you want us to know we’re not alone, and you should know that that applies to you too. much love 💖
Has the weather shifted? Lack of sunlight? Drop in temperature? Those things trigger me...not necc suicidal, but instant dark thoughts, despair. Really super appreciate this channel. Praying you thru this. God bless. 💗🙏🤗
I have it too. Suffered horribly from the late 1970s before recently finally getting a proper diagnosis and somewhat successful treatment.
You couldn't have expressed the feelings we all have in a most effective way!
We care about you Lauren, you are our rock and our hope! Please stay strong❤
Love you! You are a voice to so many people
Hi I am also schizoaffective bipolar and am quite interested in hearing more from others that have it because I have been going through my illness alone out here in west palm beach Florida but had lots of support back in bensonhurst bklyn years ago I find that this difficult condition plus the fact I live on ssd and am low income I tend to isolate alot
You are wonderful! ❤️
I feel like i got to say this; It is frustrating that the mind or brain can cause us to feel that our deeply negative experience is Genuine. Time and time again it takes us into dark places only for us to re-emerge feeling fantastically better. Time again our brain can fool us ..but yet life goes on.
Sending love and I too am feeling depressed and overwhelmed. I feel that it is due to what is going in the world. The world feels so out of control and evil. Even if I don't watch the news, it still seems to permeate all facets of life. We are not alone in feeling despondent. We will overcome. Prayers
I used to always worry about things in the news. Until I sat back and thought to myself, has anything in the news(other than covid) ever affected me? Never. I worried about everything from politics to crime from this to that. And then at some point last year I realized that I worried all this time and nothing I worry about has ever impacted my life. So I spent all this time worrying for nothing. Then I told myself i will never again be anxious about anything in the news. Our fears rarely ever come true. And therefore If it isnt part of my world it doesn’t matter. Its irrelevant. I also used to feel guilty when I would attempt to tell myself this. Like im being uncaring. But i told myself that there is nothing selfish about trying to better your mental health. Also, the country is a big place so the news will always make the world seem more messed up than it really is. When the reality is, life is beautiful and the positives in this world greatly outweigh the negatives. Negativity sells so the news always gives us this distorted reality that things are in chaos when that is not the case. Just always remember, if it isnt part of your world it doesnt matter. Worry about yourself, your friends, and family. As Metallica would say “nothing else matters”.
Also
Mary u are right what's going on in the world is not good for our illness at all
I know this feeling so well. It hits you like a freight train and there isn’t any stopping the process. I get it.
I’m not a therapist so I don’t have any advice to give but know that you are valued and not alone. Feel free to reach out if you need anything. Hang in there.
You are a super Human!!! sadly Life doesn't Reward us who are still living with Mental illness.But I hope one day in some other life we will get rewarded for living through hell.
Generally neurotypical here, with a history of depression and ADHD subtype symptoms, and the way you explained that feeling of a switch being flipped is so incredibly accurate, and so comforting at the same time. Knowing I'm not the only one who has felt that way and experienced that shift in mood. Thank you for sharing your experiences, I hope the heaviness and murkiness subsides soon xx
To me it's like a clutch at my throat and the feeling of being cast under a blanket like being suffocated.
If you are neurotypical as you state then you do not know what a person with schizophrenia or diagnosed CLINICAL depression goes through. A neurotypical feeling depressed is not anything like clinical depression.
@@bdegrds Chill out, they were connecting to her experiences through their own and appreciating her candour. This isn't the oppression or mental health olympics.
@@bdegrds you cant be neurotypical if you have adhd anyway and also clinically diagnosed means literally nothing. depression doesn't discriminate. like i still had bpd before being diagnosed with bpd, most people dont have the resources i did to be diagnosed
100% agree. ADHD, and/or with possible CPTSD. Thankfully, I have developed (or, really, discovered) some hacks over the years to flip the “switch” in a more desirable direction. Usually things like watching particular music videos, or talking to certain people even if I really don’t feel like I’ll enjoy it, or spending time outside with my plants. Sometimes, though, even my go-to fixes don’t work; those are the bad days.
I completely understand the flip of the switch
I live with schizoaffective depressive type so yea just wanted to comment to let you know Lauren, and anyone else, struggling with this disorder that those lows are normal (at least for us struggling with this disorder)
This is an extremely depressing time. Combine the "rona" with worldwide destabilized economies and the bleakness of winter.
I have all of the same thoughts/feelings you mentioned and I'm not diagnosed with anything besides anxiety and ocd. It's a super dark time right now and everyone is feeling it. Everyone is feeling it.
I relate!
What are you truly greatful for? Love yourself and get presence.
I have depression, and I know exactly what that “switch” feels like. That has happened to me, exactly how you described. It’s so hard. Just keep pushing. It will pass!
Accept it. Don't fight it. Ride it through. This too shall pass.
"No evil shall befall you,
No plague come near your tent"
Stay strong Lauren.
Praying for you.
I had a rather stressful conversation with a close family member this week that completely sent me into a tailspin...I'm flooded with uncertainty, sadness, confusion, indecisiveness...on and on.
I hope you start to feel better. I'm going to attempt to get ready Tomorrow
I hope you feel better soon
Feel free to share what the issue is, if you want. You can keep it light on details, but sometimes talking about it with others and getting different perspectives can be very helpful.
It's like grief, it hits you randomly like a big wave, and you need to give yourself compassion, and each day think I will do what I can do, and that act of putting one foot in front of the other is courageous....
i dont think i could ever articulate how comforting watching your videos is. my only diagnosis so far are chronic depression/dysthymia and severe generalized anxiety but hearing someone talk about their struggles and scary emotions so openly makes me feel a lot better. despite almost my whole family dealing with some form of mental illness (depression/anxiety, alcohol abuse, etc) theyve all tried to keep it hush hush so whenever i wanna talk to someone about all these scary thoughts and feelings they immediately get all serious and uncomfortable with it and im left feeling like an attraction at a freakshow when all i wanted was some help. hearing you talk so casually about things like this has been life changing for me and makes me feel so much better about my own illnesses❤️
Sending love and peace!♥️🌻💛
I appreciate you... Thank you so much for sharing and being there. Thank you...
Your bedroom is so beautiful and calming. I hope you can skirt this depression. it's so hard.
My day is the day of my injection, I have slipped today to, I think that it's from the paranoia to progress. When I find it difficult to. The switch you described I go completely unmotivated
Thank you for sharing it helps so many people both ways…am a parent of a wonderful son who is schizoeffective.
You are not alone. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for sharing. I hope it gets better too. I feel your pain.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
I call it “The Hate Shadow” where suddenly out of nowhere I hate everything, everyone, every sound and the light. It just rolls over me like a cloud.
Everythings transient lauren, this will pass. Thats life, love and loss. Its ok to acknowledge it too. Your balance will return. All the best.
I relate and appreciate you sharing so I can know I'm not alone. Thank you.
I don't think people without mental illness can understand the way we constantly monitor and evaluate ourselves for anything that could potentially mean things are heading south. It's exhausting.
Going through same, cleaning, moving furniture, crying, low low, shopping on amazon...intrusive thoughts ......your not alone. I have appt with psych tomorrow.
This is why I go to the gym. It keeps me balanced. Also people without mental disorders have a difficult time understanding us.
Yes! Exactly. Not caring one way or the other about happy things.
Everything you just described is how I feel everyday, for the last 11 years. Only I have anger now, which I never experienced anything like that ( anger) before moving here, where I live has made me a lot worse. Trying to sell my house and be somewhere that I might feel I halfway belong. For me, I only have one more move in me. I am 69 years old. I not only am schizoaffective , I have had brain trauma.
I do hope and wish the best for you. You are a beautiful very intelligent young woman. It's obvious to me that you are strong and
willing to learn all that you can about your illness. You have a lot of understanding about what is going on with you. After I had my 2nd psychotic episode, I went to school, became a nurse, specializing in Psychiatry and Alzheimers. This was 40 years ago.
Thank you for sharing, take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you. It is wonderful how you are helping people understand
Mental Illness. There needs to be more people like you.
Please take care.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Thank you for being honest and helping others.
Wading through murky water is a perfect description. Thank you for sharing your experience. ♥️
Thanks for sharing! God bless you! I hope you get better soon!
Thank you for sharing 💕
Thank you for sharing your experience and feelings. They help me not feel so alone in my own mental health struggles.
Thank you for sharing ❤️
Thank you for sharing!
I felt like this yesterday. The thing that helps me the most is driving. It really helps with my anxiety and gives me something to focus on. I can sing, talk to myself, eat snacks and be ALONE. Sending love to you sweetheart, I hope things feel better soon. Spring is coming very soon! I think maybe gardening could help you, get some seeds and start growing some micro greens or start some summer veggies or some sprouts in the kitchen :)
You got a super positive energy, keep it up!
Hoping that tomorrow will be different. Best regards from a friend from Brasil.
back in college, i had a weird thing wherein i can SENSE depression. depression is like a person/being that exists on the same plane or dimension i exist. i can like detect how far depression is from my college dorm. it's like a person that i would know if he's already at the gate of the village. when he's getting too close i get very anxious and my heart starts racing. i would try to fight its nearing presence so i wouldn't drown with emptiness or negative thoughts.
it's weird coz depression is like a being or person that is just coming closer. it's not like trying to get me or kill me. it's just like existing as proximity to know how close i am to being depressed completely again.
My mental illness went untreated from the late 1970s until my first treatment in 2007, a skip, them more treatment in 2009, then I went broke and couldn`t see my doctors in 2011, then I began treatment again in late 2016 until present when I was finally properly diagnosed. The severe suffering from this illness scarred me forever and I wish I could just forget the horrifying pain and suffering from my past. I won my SSI disability in 2020 at age 55. But that entire terrifying process, knowing losing was a certain death sentence, left its own terrible mental scars.
Now I`m always worrying they`ll take away my benefits so I`ve spent most of my money trying to get solar so I can have at least some electricity in the future for the most basic things like lights, fans, and refrigeration, water filters so I can drink from a creek or shallow well, and pounds of heirloom seeds, electric tiller and mower, tools I might need, and indoor table top hydroponic vegetable gardens and an outdoor greenhouse. I also bought a cheap camper trailer to live in on a lot owned by my sister and I can grow gardens there and my hydroponic gardens are low wattage and can easily be powered from solar. CAN I POST THIS WITHOUT BEING CENSORED, RUclips NAZIS???
You are so smart for planning like this. I think that our Society is going to fall in the next 5 to 10 years. We are gonna have a collapse because of a Civil War and Climate Change.
sending love your way
I understand you. Don't worry, find some help and keep your children in mind.
Proud of you to share such a demanding emotion. God bless you
My mind feels like flowing concrete sometimes too.
Sending love. 🥰
I had an episode like that a couple of months back, I'm sorry to hear you are where you are right now Lauren.
Please, remember, you can do this, like you say, you are not alone, you have people that love you and stand by you.
*hugs*
I had that kind of day today. I too will open up to my therapist. I am trying to learn its ok to not be ok. Especially when living with toxic/abusive family.
I think reaching out to your specialists asap is a great idea. May you feel joy again soon.
Thank you for letting those of us experiencing depressive symptoms know we’re not alone. I hope this is just a rough day for you and not the beginning of a depressive episode, but if it is please remember to take good care of yourself and get plenty of rest. You already mentioned you’re going to see your therapist about this so I’m glad you’re reaching out for help, and I commend you for addressing your symptoms because it’s easy to let the fatigue talk you into ignoring them and staying in bed or self medicating.
I will pray for you.
💗
Thank you for sharing. Commenting midway thru the vid ♥️♥️♥️
Im 53 and i had so many episode of this sickness but i decided to have my own garden and 30 ducks and thanks God everything went well and im happy life is precious....sending love ...group hugs to all.
Thank you for sharing. 🌹
Thank you for sharing Lauren, I have experienced that blackness between me and the world and there really are no words to adequately describe it. The people who have been through it get it and those who haven't don't.
The murky water reference took me straight to my recurring dreams where I'm either walking in the ocean or having just as much trouble walking on land.
Sad ain't the word, more like devastating.
I have BPD and reoccurring MDD so I totally get this feeling! It hits out of nowhere where I want to take a nap and hope that I don’t wake up. It’s not a desire to “unalive yourself”, but it’s a passive “if it happens it happens”.
You are so loved! I have bipolar disorder, and that switch or wool over your emotions is so real! I like to sit in front of a sunny window and practice gratitude on those liminal days! I'm seeing only good things for you today Lauren! Thank you for all the support, love and understanding you contribute to the world! You are a light, even when all you see is shadow!! 💜 Thank you for your vulnerability and your transparency! 💜
Sending hugs and hope and love!!! I’ve been having a hard time too and it’s always reassuring to see your videos. We will get through this!
Thank you for sharing Lauren - I couldn’t relate to you more than right now. It is terrifying to have days like this because the fear is that it is the beginning of something more enduring and you don’t know when it will end. I always tell myself ‘just take one day at a time’ but it can feel impossible to keep going like that for a long time. Listening to you is so validating, you have insight on your side. Stay strong and as you say ‘give yourself grace’ - you are giving it to so many others xxx
I experienced something like that and I'm not prone to depression. Life's just been a little hard lately.
Hey, I hope you will feel better soon
Hey, I hope you will feel better soon
I feel like this too 💔 Like a sick, heavy dysphoria out of nowhere 🙏🏻 Hugs to you.
Life is sometimes difficult enough for me whose depressive moods are not as frequent and certainly not as deep as those with mental health issues. Your video is certainly courageous and I'm sure very helpful to those who experience these deeply depressive periods. I can't help but believe that all those who feel from time to time the way you do now wish you all the best and wish they could be there with you to give you a long, silent hug. They would understand what you're feeling in a much deeper way than the rest of us what you've described as well as language possibly can. I know they want to support you as you have them so steadfastly through your work on this channel. I wish all of you strength and ultimately Peace.
That's interesting because I just had that today and am struggling too.
You’re in my thoughts and prayers! I’m sending so much love to you!! You’ve been such a inspiration to me and someone I can relate to so much with schizoaffective disorder as I have it too; I’m sorry your having those thoughts of suicide but know your not alone. You are loved. I’m sending you so much love and a big hug.
My best friend has schizoaffective disorder depressive type, so I can definitely understand what you are facing right now
You’re helping so many people. Sending love and positive energy back to you.
The way you describe this is EXACTLY how I feel sometimes with my bipolar depression
Sending positive thoughts your way 🌸
Thank you so much for posting this ❤
Making these videos helps us and helping others is one of my go to coping mechanisms. I think you are absolutely valid in having these feelings regardless of brain chemistry. We ARE dealing with insane circumstances and mass death and are expected to just get on with everything (I’m writing from the states) and all of these things are going to build up regardless of our individual mental hygiene. Your depressed and hopeless feelings are valid. Do what you have to do to cope. You are vital and loved and needed by so many. Thank you for your experiences, strength, and hope.
I have had similar episodes where I feel like my good mood has been mugged by sadness. I understand in someways what you are going through. God's grace on you my video friend.
❤❤
Lauren, I can see the pain in your eyes and hear it in your voice. Thank you for sharing and articulating so well what depression feels like. I have struggled with chronic unipolar depression since I was 14, combined with BPD, and your describing a depressive episode as a sudden gray blanket falling around you is perfect. I’m 62 and still stunned sometimes by how fast a severe episode can hit out of nowhere with seemingly no specific trigger. Much love to you from Vancouver Island, and I hope you feel better soon. ❤️
sending you so, so much love, Lauren 💜 I don’t have schizoaffective disorder, but I do have depression and PTSD, and I feel like I 100% understand the experience you’re describing. that wave of despair can come out of absolutely nowhere, for seemingly no reason, with no explanation. it truly does feel like a switch just flips, and you can’t do anything but try as hard as you possibly can to tread water long enough to survive until it’s flipped back, or the tide recedes. it’s so hard. we’re all here for you and care about you so much. I’m so glad you’re reaching out to your therapist so quickly. I hope this episode is a short one and that the sun shines for you again SO soon. we love you 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
Thanks for sharing 😭
Sending HOPE that you experience a switch “back”, away from the heaviness, pesky thoughts etc. I think you articulated the feelings - at least the feeling I have - really well. It took me a while not to get spooked by any thought of suicide or death that passed through my mind - but I to have come to trust my judgment whether those thoughts are dangerous to me or not. I think it is a very good decision to mention the situation to your therapist but also trust that your therapist will trust your judgment about how concerning those thoughts might or might not be. I often find myself mentally putting up flags in my head sometimes they’re yellow flags and sometimes they’re red flags. I find that the color association helps me to decide what action if any to take. Thank you SO much for sharing. God bless you and the tens of thousands who are impacted my your openness. Godspeed.
Thanks!
Recognizing it is one of the most important steps. The sooner you are aware of it the better. You can take steps to migrate out of it. It still doesn't make it go away, but knowing it is a symptom, and not you, and might not be the full reality of what is going on, makes the burden more bearable until it passes.
I have Major Depressive Disorder, and was/am an Alcoholic. I know when I start to think about drinking, or just alcohol in general it focuses me to look at what is going on with my life and mind. I can shut the drinking thoughts down pretty quickly. I have a mantra of sorts "It is not a part of my life." I say it over and over again, with different intensities, until those thoughts go away. After that I take a look at how I have been taking my medication, then my relationships, then my healthy habits, etc. Most of the time it is how I have been taking my medication ...usually not consistently.
Recognizing our own personal pattern warnings is VERY important. Letting those go on for too long will make it harder to get back to baseline. It is not impossible, but will take consistent effort. Having a varied support system is also an important resource :)
Mine stated Monday...the exact same thing! Last night I took inositol and it did help a little bit.
I so grateful to you for being able to articulate some of these really hard to explain feelings. Wishing you a short wave of this experience and better days ahead.
Can relate so much. That heaviness is exactly how I experience depressive episodes. Thinking of you and hoping this passes quickly
Sending prayers!