I struggled with this mindset so bad. It was made worse when my own mom called me an idiot for staying with an abuser for 3 years. Fortunately, I've made peace with myself and realize that I was a victim and it wasn't my fault
@@abigailruth5631 Another weird thing about this kind of situation is when people call you an idiot and then turn around and do the same thing. I thought my mom was an idiot for staying with my stepdad for 16 years even though he was abusive and clearly didn't love us. I then proceeded to do the same damn thing myself, which lasted 4 years. And now I can't believe I was such an idiot.
@@Crocady1 aww you're not an idiot. And my mom tried to warm me of red flags she saw in my partner that were similar to my dad. And I didn't listen either. I just pray your doing better now
Gabbie: *Wildly misusing psychology terms left and right* The school that gave her a psychology degree: *Is very uncomfortable with the energy created in the studio today*
I dropped out of my psychology education and realised how many psychologists are really bad people who don't really understand what they're talking about bcs they only care about passing the exams and not actually being an expert and knowledgeable
@@MELLMAO as a 1st year psychology major, I promise some of us actually just want to learn and help people :) There's definitely a ton of shitty psychologists out there, though.
@@MELLMAO I’d like to think they wouldn’t make it all the way to graduation. Certainly not past a bachelor degree. I would think eventually the shitty ones would be filtered out particularly after their internships. But idk I wasn’t ever a psyc major.
@@MELLMAO Well getting a bachelors and becoming a practicing psychologist who does continued study, has clinical experience, and specializes is very different from a girl who got a bachelor’s in psychology & moved to LA. There are bad ones im sure, like in any profession.. when i was 15 one told me to “open my wind & let god be the sails”??? & then said some misogynistic shit. turned me off to therapy & psychologists in gener but after a few years a friend recommended one who was great & opened up my mind & the one i have now has helped me so so much (got him through my psychiatrist who was also personally recommended) -the whole thing made me feel like its all about finding the right person with the right amount of expertise (to simplify it)
a bachelor’s degree in psychology provides no clinical training or training on analysis. it’s purely about studying people & brains. it enrages me when people use an undergraduate degree to try to be an authority on the health and mental health of others. if they actually went through clinical training they would know how WILDLY inaccurate, offensive, and unethical it is to throw around diagnoses or speculations about a person who hasn’t sat down with you and agreed to an evaluation. you’d lose your license for doing the things gabbie does. *edit: initially wrote BA but changed it to bachelor’s because some people get a BS in psychology but the argument still stands
It's so true. I got accused of cheating constantly from my narcissistic husband, when I hadn't even looked at someone else for the whole 10 years we were married.
@@watcherboy2723 Same. A lot of people are scared to admit it, because people are really mean (I got attacked once for saying she was distracting) but it's nothing that serious. Anything that isn't positive is hate.
Personally, Kyra's grunts are comforting, knowing you've got your best girl nearby Edit: thanks for the love given to my comment!! Kyra is a great noisy gal
It’s just still so sick to me that GH kept calling you a narcissistic abuser when that is a real abuse you’ve been actually struggling with in your life
Gabbie knows exactly what she's doing when she does that too. She seems to specifically target people with whatever causes them the most harm. It's terrifying. She's justified treating people horribly to herself and at the same time has absolutely no depth of self-awareness. I've never seen anyone else so deep in their shadow before.
This is what true mental health advocacy is, not the weaponising of mental illnesses and neurodivergency that GH has done. I am so glad that you didn't get a cancer diagnosis Rachel. You are a lovely person and your videos are a delight to watch and provide me great comfort and joy in these difficult times xxx
'cancer free' and 'all clear' are terms usually applied to people who have had a cancer diagnosis - not for people undergoing tests to rule out cancer. i am sure the process was daunting but some more careful language choices may be worth considering in relation to this experience.
@@CharlotteHardacre I totally agree with you about the term ‘cancer free’, but I think “all clear” is an appropriate phrase to use when someone has undergone investigations for a possible cancer. In terms of ‘Last week I found a lump and underwent a mammogram; I just got a call from the doctor and, thankfully, I got the all clear!’. If that makes sense? (I have stage 4 cancer, so pretty used to the cancer world, so it’s interesting hearing other people’s perspectives.)
Im a male survivor of the same kind of narcissistic abuse, and im really proud of you. Leaving that relationship was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but you will get to where you want to be. Much love from the US
I hate that the internet has taken the term "gaslight" and just ran with it. As someone who has ACTUALLY been a victim of gaslighting, it honestly just makes me really really upset. When I finally got the balls to confront my abuser and literally list out everything she's done to me (it was so bad she would hold knives up to me and tell me she was gonna kill me and I was afraid she would hurt me in my sleep), she just straight up said none of that happened and I must have been thinking about stories I heard about my other sisters. LIKE. Do you know how fucking insane that is??? I finally confront her and she just tosses it aside and says those years of abuse never happened?? And then proceeds to emotionally abuse me in the same conversation btw... Anyways, okay, this turned into a rant but SERIOUSLY the internet needs to learn its definitions.
It is never a good idea to confront them alone. You are more vulnerable that way. My mom is abusive and she is consistently worse when we are alone and she doesn't have to fool anyone but me. If we don't have anyone to stand with us and defend us when they are so obviously lying, it is easier to tear us down. When there were other relatives in the room they would often call my mom out in their lies, at least tried to appease her and I always ended up breaking down worse when it was just us. That's also why she always fights me on meeting my friends and questions them being in my life. The worst enemy to abusers is a system of support for the victim. Stay safe.
very much agree! Gaslighting is a very severe thing, and what you went through must have been pure hell. Online i keep seeing people scream 'gaslighting' when its just someone lying. Like? yea lyings bad, but lying alone is NOT gaslighting!
My sister was a victim of gaslighting by her ex fiance. I think one of the best pieces of advice I had for her was to not give him a detailed explanation of why she was leaving him. I knew he'd try and gaslight his way out of a breakup, try and explain away all of her complaints about the relationship. Even in non abusive relationships you don't owe them an itemized list of reasons you're leaving.
Relatable af I had an ex-girlfriend who went super hard into gaslighting me when we had…disagreeable interactions; for example, in our last conversation, the big blow up that convinced me to cut all contact immediately afterwards, she engaged in a fair amount of not only projecting but also tried manipulating me into thinking I was a misogynistic abuser and all our coworkers only pretended to be friends with me. Because this seemed so over the top, even in comparison to our previous arguments, when I asked in shock if I had merely contacted her at a bad time, she twisted that into me implying she was on her period. Before hanging up, she told me not to contact her again until I’d improved as a person and “stopped harassing people who just want to help you.” Taking her at her word, I immediately unfollowed her on all social media’s and blocked her number; later, I found out this totally enraged her and that she started trying to bully mutual friends into cutting contact with me. Good god, I totally dodged a bullet with that one and I’ve not regretted cutting her off even once since.
Sorry, but maybe you are unaware that as a nation, the United States just went through four years of suffering abuse from the Narcissist In Chief. We were totally at the mercy of this raging, raving monster, who lied about the reality we were going through day after day. Most of us had little knowledge of this personality disorder, but finally being able to put words to what was going on was a real eye-opener. So it's not just a personal thing, it became part of our national disaster and emergency. We are all better off for learning about it, and can use it in our personal relationships to help us live safer and happier lives.
A book that helped me a lot when I was getting out of my abusive marriage was *Why Does He Do That* by Lundy Bancroft. I remember one time when we'd been ordered into post-relationship counseling by the child custody court, he got angry at the therapist and said "I knew this was going to happen. I knew I'd be blamed for everything! I knew you'd make it all my fault!" and the therapist looked straight at him and said, "Have you ever thought that maybe it is?" He didn't show for our last mandated session, so I got a free therapy session that did me so much good. The therapist was so kind and validated all of my feelings and emotions and even just hunches.
Rachel's experience with the men in her family acting abusive like that (around 41:00) is what I've heard from my own mother's childhood. Her father was like that and so her brothers followed in his footsteps, all the men in her life had this rage inside them (some more than others) and to escape the abusive family life, she ran to my father who also turned out to be the same. Luckily they divorced when I was still young enough not to see the abuse--she protected her children and broke the abuse cycle. Hearing Rachel open up about this almost made me cry. I'm so glad Rachel got away from him.
This is for Rachel too, but I have been reading a book about CPTSD about how severely these things in our childhood affect us and i have never felt so seen. It is brilliant. I believe it is called CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. You will know in the first chapter if it applies to you, but it has been a game-changer for me.
I’m pretty sure my dad has this disorder, unluckily for me and my brother my mother was afraid to leave him because of his possible retaliations, so we had to endure years of abuse, I pray every day so that I don’t make the same mistake my mother did
Where have all the good men gone? Who cares just chase the familiar abuse and shame all men. Adults have a responsibility to heal or they will do more damage be they men or women, victim or predatory in destiny.
@@trevorwest3457 I wasn't saying all men are abusive. Maybe it says something about you that you read it like that. 🤦♀️ Yes, people need to be in charge of their own healing, but victim shaming is not okay. This comment has a very 'nice guy' feeling to it... Yikes. 💀
@@Fallen4theFallen2 'who also turned out to be the same' was the point, this wasn't an accidental choice it was using a dangerous/ potentially dangerous person to heal placing her future children at risk hence the all men are abusive concept gets spread into society. Your daddy/ step-father etc., needs to take responsibility for his actions as well, whether he was made worse by his relationship with a victim or not, victimising or using others is wrong. This comment comes from a long healed survivor, 'nice guy' shaming won't work. As a former victim I can tell you that as an adult you have responsibilities to yourself and others to do the work to heal, to do your best to anyway; this isn't victim shaming, I like to think of it as the original perpetrator getting to abuse more victims through the unhealed like a stray spiderweb trapping more victims and attracting more spiders. Your mum broke the cycle, got free of that web eventually; that is what matters. She would feel shame for how long it took, something she will never tell you, a much harder thing to face so show her that you are unaffected if you can. Rachel seems to be trying to heal, there is nothing worse than wasting time on your abuser carrying them with you wherever you go self-absorbed by your own pain; you definitely don't want to find someone similar to invite into your life... I wish her a swift recovery and lots of invaluable life lessons she can use to help others.
Absolutely love how you’re using such a nasty situation to educate and help people who are actual victims of the terms people keep incorrectly throwing around. Thank you for sharing your experiences and bringing awareness to this stuff :0).
as a psychology student and also somebody who was a victim of narcissistic abuse i really appreciate you taking your time to actually educate people about this! thank you for using your platform to talk about this, since there is so much misinformation about it out there
I have BPD, and I want to thank you for the effort you go to as to not stigmatize personality disorders. I’m proud of you, for the strength you show in your vulnerability. Nothing but respect for you ❤️
But y’all hurt ppl. My dad has NPD and he’s doesn’t care how much he’s hurt me and others. It’s hard to have sympathy with people who intentionally hurt others. What are you going to do about that? The stigma exists because it’s true.
@@Catglittercrafts I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. Please understand that not all people with personality disorders are your dad. Hurting others isn’t inherent to personality disorders. Anyone can choose to be hurtful, and just because a personality disorder affected the way you’ve been hurt doesn’t mean people with personality disorders are inherently hurtful. Plenty of us choose kindness, choose to grow, and work tirelessly to do the best we can. People choose to hurt others, but we don’t choose personality disorders. You can hold people accountable for their harm without equating the harm to a disorder, especially when we’re more likely to be victimized.
@@Catglittercrafts rachel has just said not everyone with personality disorders abuse and not all abusers have personality disorders. Please understand that. I’m sorry that happened but just from one person, it’s incredibly unfair to say ‘y’all hurt people’. With BPD we have tons of empathy and guilt.
@April Rants Not 'y'all'. Cluster B disorders are incredibly varied. Concerning BPD specifically (the one I have most experience with) it is a disorder with 256 subtypes and combinations of symptoms. It's the "bread and butter" disorder that really cannot be generalised. I have been abused and traumatised by people with BPD. I have also experienced the most healing love and healthy relationship with my current partner, who has BPD. Personality disorders are not a one-size fits all signifier of an abuser, just as not all abusers have personality disorders
@@Catglittercrafts your feelings against your father are valid, and what he did to you was awful. His actions make him a bad person. But calling someone a bad person for having a personality disorder is like telling them that they’re awful because they exist. Saying “y’all hurt people” sounds like “all of you are bad for having something you couldn’t help”. No one deserves to be characterized by other people’s actions, especially if many in that group are truly innocent.
My narcissistic abuser (thankfully past tense) was a literal PhD level psychologist. This was his specialty. I didn’t stand a chance against his master manipulation. Best thing I ever did was leave him. He made it extremely hard.
@@morgianasartre6709 Yes. I’ve worried about his patients. He works with people with severe OCD and much of his treatment is about facing fears- He makes them do the things they are afraid of, so he gets to control them.
Dr. Ramani’s videos woke me up in 2019, and I was able to escape my 7 year abusive relationship. This is a super important topic, and I am proud of you for your strength and honesty. Especially after everything that has gone on recently. Thank you for speaking up and also sharing Dr. Ramani’s important work!
Rachel, you are a true mental health advocate. I’ve been getting so sick of GH and her stans misusing the term “abuse” in general, having undergone emotional and mental abuse before. Thank you for providing a clearer and correct explanation.
The way she throws around the word abuse is awful to me as someone who is also a survivor. She thinks someone not liking her, not agreeing with her behaviour, critiquing her etc is an abuser and surprisingly she is the one with a degree in psychology.
Narcissists prey on people with big hearts. Your trauma is real and valid. Johnny will unfortunately move on to another victim. Your video is so important when it comes to breaking the cycle.
Dr Ramani is an absolute queen! She was the sole reason I accepted, survived and escaped the narcissistic abuse I endured for years as the scapegoat for my step dads abuse. I’m so happy you found her to help you escape and thrive after abuse. Stay strong, Rachel!
I grew up with a narcissistic father and sister and it took me years to unravel all the gaslighting and coping mechanisms I internalized to survive. My sister in particular would use projection like a cudgel. Any of her failures were my fault, she'd rewrite history to make me the villain and it would never end. My only escape was cutting them out of my life. Both of my father and sister hated others being happy. They'd do everything they could to ruin someone's day if they dared to be happy outside of them. Thank you for explaining to people how narcissists will twist your brain until you have to untrain the damage they've done.
One of the weirdest traits I've walked away with is how I will hide anything I enjoy that I know my father wouldn't approve. He'd pitch fits and ridicule anything I liked that he didn't get or like. I still do it decades after moving out and it takes a lot for me to share something I enjoy with my husband out of fear of being judged even though he never does and might even like it himself.
What really gets my goat about this whole Goblin Heinous (sorry if this is childish, but I refuse to use her real name) situation is that I had never even heard of her until I saw your critique of her poetry. I watched the video not because of her, but because it was about poetry, and to this day, I have yet to see another reviewer who has done a more thorough, helpful and respectful critique of any book, let alone a book of poetry. She obviously has some major issues that she urgently needs to work through, and deserves compassion for the painful things that she had to endure in the past, but none of this gives her the right to treat you the way she has. She may not be a monster, but the way she has acted toward you is absolutely monstrous. You are a brave, compassionate, intelligent young woman who deserves respect and dignity, not this kind of nonsense. Stay strong, Rachel.
Rachel, I know Jonnie as he did EXACTLY the same thing to my sister. It’s depressing to know he’s still doing this to people. I only found out how bad he’d hurt my sister a few years ago but if I’d have known I’d have protected her and done to him what he deserves to have done for all the pain he’s caused. I’m glad you’ve spoken up and I hope that if the laws do change he’ll get his comeuppance. If it means anything he’s going to end his life a lonely, empty, worthless, unfulfilled failure because he has nothing to offer this world or the women in it. Well done you, keep up the good work and keep speaking out. H
Ugh, that's so awful that this guy has more victims. I hope he rots somewhere all alone so he can't hurt anyone else. I wish your sister the best on her journey towards healing and hope she's in a much better environment.💜
Honestly, hearing people talk about their experiences so openly is part of why I finally got help for depression (which has been fatal in my family) last year and started deconstructing so much of what I was taught as a teen. I have fallen off the path for a bit, but you sharing your story and being open has reminded me that I *REALLY* need to continue with my healing journey.
that is so brave of you. getting out of a family cycle is hard by itself, let alone when mental health is involved, and I know the struggle that can lead to. I hope you can heal and have the wonderful life you deserve
You’re making me cry over here with your ending about Kyra. My cat Jet saved me. He’s my best friend and I left the alcoholic narcissist I dated for 3+ years because I could see the blatant negative effects the relationship was having on Jet. At the time, I was too broken down to advocate for myself, but Jet did. And in return, I left to protect Jet. As I heal and learn more, I know I will never go back to a relationship like that again, for me and for Jet. Jet and I loved hearing your story. I know how truly hard this is. Much love from both of us 😘😽
This made me cry. It reminds me of my dog that I actually didn‘t get on purpose at the end of a tough relationship and I truly believe that if it wasn‘t for her I would have never stood up for myself. I‘m really happy to hear you got out of that bad situation and are doing well!
I’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse for almost my whole life. It inadvertently led to the death of my little sister and best friend. I hear you, I see you, and I’m on your side. I can’t imagine your pain, but I’m here to listen. You’re in my heart ❤️
I’ve only just watched the beginning so far but just wanted to say I’m SO happy for you that your health worries have been cleared and that nothing scary is going on. I know what a relief that is and I’m so so happy and relieved for you. Also you look freakin BEAUTIFUL
I know that this is hella parasocial relationship stuff but dude I genuinely worry so much about you. This situation must sometimes feel like a pit that you can't quite climb out of and I'm so truly sorry that this is happening to you. I also know that it probably doesn't feel like it a lot of the time but you are such a beacon of strength and grace and resiliency. So many people really look up to you and admire you. I wish you and Kyra all the peace and love and healing.
You are NOT useless! Edit: Just finished watching the entire video and Kyra snoring in the background was everything I needed this morning! That is the very definition of useful 🙂❤
thank you so much for opening up about this. i appreciate how you used the book as a resource throughout this too. i'm sure this was really difficult to talk about. abuse in relationships is a huge problem -- it's affected so many people in my life and i'm really grateful that you're creating videos like this to help educate women. i'm glad you're out of this situation now!
@@blackandwhitethinking she explicitly made a video about narcissistic abuse; not about narcicissm in general, but about the specific intersection of NPD and abuse, which is a very small subsection of people.
@@HoloTap another youtuber Jimmy Snow (Mr. Atheist). Theres videos on youtube you can find about this, but the general rundown is that he got involved in a conflict with Rachel about Gabbie Hanna's poetry despite not knowing anything about poetry or book critiques.
@@HoloTap jimmy snow used to go by mr atheist on youtube. essentially he involved himself in the rachel x gabbie poetry situation and took gabbies side without looking into the situation and what exactly happened at all. the video he made on the situation was completely full of awful takes and excusing the things that gabbie has done to rachel with assumptions ab what rachel did to her.
I think I've heard Dr. Ramani say that they love what you do for them. They love getting their supply from you. They don't love themselves. They don't love you.
Thank you, Rachel. When getting out of my abusive relationship, my therapist recommended: "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty, among others.
Thank you for the extra book recommendations! This is very helpful for those of us going through trying to leave on of these type of relationships right now.
I have “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft and it is an amazing book; helped me get through some trauma caused by an abusive narcissist ex and my abusive narcissist dad
Is "I'm pretty useless" a more casual phrase in Britain? It makes me want to hug you, what a tough way to feel. My heart has really been with you as you go through this. Lots of people feel very similarly to you. I try to avoid parasocial stuff but I really relate to your struggle lately and I wish you peace and comfort from one hurting heart to another
Aww this was nice. I absolutely throw myself into parasocial interactions to soothe my hurting heart. I hope you are healing or on your way to healing soon♥️
I would urge you to push for an laparoscopy before starting hormonal birth control. Endometriosis currently cannot be discovered in any other way and is more common than doctors sometimes think! Hormonal birth control can potentially make it worse 💔
As a long time viewer just wanted to say that the way you use what has happened to you to educate and heal other people is amazing! (also pls give kyra a kiss, I think I cried a little from cuteness when she made herself comfortable on the pillow!!) wishing you and her the best
Emotional intelligence should always be taught in schools. One of the reasons I think it is not, is the amount of social push back that could happen. Society rn is structured to keep abuse quiet. To stand up to those in power, would in there mind jeprodise there ability to keep making money from oppressed ppl. Keeping people emotionally and physically entangled, keeps ppl from pushing for change.
THIS. I got into an abusive relationship at 16 and (especially because it was my first relationship) I had no idea about red flags for abuse or that what was happening to me wasn't normal until it was at the point that I'd already suffered severe trauma. Teaching kids and teens about how to recognize abusive behavior would literally save so many lives - not even just directly due to violent abusers, but also indirectly due to all the people who go through addiction, mental illness/SH, and poverty following abuse.
I have always thought that Rachel would make an excellent teacher, not only in English after watching her poetry reviews and her funghi video but also in sex ed :)
Rachel, I am just a random middle-aged aunt on the internet and you don’t know me from Adam, but I am *so* proud of you. It can’t be easy for you to talk about, but it’s so important for people to have these conversations. I am in awe of your strength. And I’m so glad that you have Kyra, sweet snuffling angel that she is.
Hi Rachel! That man was so vile and disgusting. A coward that rejoiced every time he hurt you. I'm so happy that you're healing. You're brave. You're talented. You're wonderful and your channel , subscribers and education are testimony of it. Thank you for sharing your experience and including resources and books. I hope you get to live a life full of love like you deserve.
THANK YOU. “Narcissistic Abuse” (Narc Abuse, My Narc) has been thrown around the internet so frequently, it’s the new buzzword & now EVERYONE knows a “narcissistic abuser”. Narcissism is a diagnosed disorder & ppl are diluting the seriousness by labeling every jerk a narcissist. Some people are just assholes-not everyone is a “narc”.
this is what I'm saying but rachel says that "narcissistic abuse" is just a common term to work with to describe a specific type of abuse. i dont thibk thats accurate because anybody can do what jonnie did to her and also not be diagnosed with NPD. also noting the fact she said "he has NPD essentially" makes me question if he's been diagnosed or if its speculation on rachel's part based on her research. it's okay to speculate but she's talking as if he's been diagnosed. i am in no way excusing what he did but it's still harmful of her to speculate on someone else's diagnosis. i commented and she didnt respond, but responded to someone else thanking them for understanding why she used the language she did. i understand where she's coming from but to normalize helpful conversation about highly stigmatized personality disorders is to use the right language no matter what is most commonly used. i dont like the book she referenced based on the fact that the author used narcissist and person with NPD interchangeably which isn't accurate, and I'm doing my own researh on the topic for a video but it's hard when most psychologists think the same way- villainizing the person with NPD and making them out to be intentionally causing harm when it is definitely aggravated by their disorder and not every person with NPD is abusive. rachel has failed to recognize her own bias in her research and failed to acknowledge it when called out on it, which unfortunately makes her research all the more stigmatizing and unhelpful. especially since she's using research that only focuses on the abuse people around those with NPD *may* face and not even research about how the personality disorder affects those diagnosed with it. its incredibly saddening to see the amount of bias and the fact that she's unwilling to recognize it.
The reason so few are diagnose with NPD, is that they literally think they're perfect, so obviously won't seek help. Narcissistic abuse isn't that uncommon, someone who has a pattern of lying, manipulating, shaming, guilting, verbal/emotional abuse etc., they clearly have strong narcissistic traits. And that should not be dismissed, or claim someone who has experienced it is lying. Even Dr. Ramani says this.
@@solbug No offense, truly, but psycologists use these terms in the way they do and make these diagnosis because they are trained professionals. What credentials do you have that supercede their knowledge to be able to refute them? Also, from a victims standpoint (which is the majority of what psychologists treat since the percentage of victims is far greater than the percentage of people with NPD in treatment) an NPD diagnosis is essentially irrelevant. The abuse is the same with or without the diagnosis, but the diagnosis essentially requires the abuse because it can only be diagnosed via patterns of behavior of manipulation, gaslighting, and grandiose self-worth. I fail to see how you could diagnose someone with NPD without there being a string of victims already in their wake, but perhaps you have some example in which this is possible? All the research I've seen though (from professionals) shows that anyone with NPD is also, by definition of the disorder, incapable of admitting fault and therefore incapable of sustained growth or change. Is it possible there are exceptions? I believe there likely are, but if someone with NPD got treatment and changed, by nature of the diagnosis, they would no longer be diagnosable with NPD. At best they'd be like a person who formally had NPD, because the patterns of behavior that make up the diagnosis would be gone. Otherwise, they are just a person attempting change, who still has NPD and is therefore still contributing to those patterns which result in victims. At no point can someone have NPD, act on it, and not have victims, so it's right to stigmatize these people. If anything, the very minimal group of people who hold an NPD diagnosis, but no longer act on their diagnosis should just consider themselves NPD survivors. To be clear this may be an issue in the way NPD is diagnosed that you dislike, as other diagnosis of personality disorders don't inherently have abuse and the inability to reflect and grow the way narcissism does. A.k.a. a borderline personality can be diagnosed without them manipulating, gaslighting, lying or cheating, things that are inherent to narcissist abuse but which are only potential byproducts of BPD. Basically, the DSM-5 lists lack of empathy and interpersonally exploitive behavior as criteria for NPD, both of which victimize others. BPD in the DSM-5 requires criteria like unstable interpersonal relationships, impulsively, etc., but nothing that inherently victimizes others.
@@Diademischief I guess the OP is getting at mental stigma and the depiction/discourse of clinical narcissist is not helpful in the big picture vs survivors understanding their abuse. Just got out of an abusive relationship and the pathologizing and monster making of abusers can write off the normalization of abusive dynamics in the relationship. Similar to how "sociopath" is doing around but is not a clinical term and despite the statistical bias of self-reporting it is unlikely to be as many with anti social personalities as accused. It is far more likely that abuse and overlapping abuse patterns are really common with these disorders and because of that you have abusers who have personality disorders ( aspd and nod having high rates of abuser but not all abusers having a personality disorder). So it's a messy intersection and survivors often want to understand what the hell happened. I did. So you have a mess of sensationalized coverage that is click baity plus a tendency to make abusers monsters rather than humans enabled and entitled to control and violence (which is worse to me). But npd abuse happens, is useful to discuss. So my long winded pointed is that yeah wider coverage of personality disorders and abuse is disproportionate ONLINE. Support groups for survivors online via text vs meat space or interpersonal communities is different and it's not surprising that the most eye catching type of abuse is the hot topic. I just wish identity abusive patterns period and then identifying more tools to help one survive. But that priority is up to a algorithm. I hope what I'm saying makes sense and to be real Rachel Oat's video is more about a survivor of a type of abuse experiencing a text about that type n whatever the algorithm does with that who knows. The only reason I'm commenting is that mental health stigma is not helpful because abusers can use it as a tool for gas lighting others or justifying their behavior as inherent rather than normalized.
@@faenen91 (edit) I agree with OP and your opinion entirely, I was responding to a different comment. I agree with you 100% in the overuse of the term across media and its affect on polluting the availability of useful knowledge for victims. I believe the person I responded to has a far more extreme view that NPD shouldn't be stigmatized because it is a behavioral disorder, which I don't agree with.
You’re incredibly strong for speaking about this. As someone who has experienced narcissistic abuse from a parent (since I went to college we haven’t even spoken), thank you for explaining the true meaning and experience of the term. Love all that you do!!
I remember being very worried about you at that time. Especially considering the loneliness and isolation of lockdown. So many people have been stuck with their abusers for over a year. And after abuse, the hardest thing is learning how to be alone and live with your thoughts and memories. I'm so glad you are doing healthier and much better now. Thank you so much for sharing.
Omg Rachel, I watched this video years ago while being in a relatioship with a person with narcissistic personality disorder and even then I wasn’t able to see/admit what I was going through because of all the gaslight. Years after I come to see it again and everything makes sense now that I see it with the brand new perspective of reality. Thank you so much for making this video. And for everyone out there going through something like this, listen to your gut, please don’t ignore the red flags.
Gabby is beyond out of line. Between the excusing her behaviors over ADHD (which I do have and struggle with daily), and throwing around narcissism towards others… I don’t understand how she has any fans or supporters, but thank you for you being so vulnerable. Give Kyra lots of kisses and take care of yourself!
Your microphone may have directionality settings that for example would allow it to pick up only the sound in front of it and not next to/behind it. I have no idea how those things work but it might be something to try in the future. Kyra is quite loud at times but I'm glad she's there for you!
Dear Rachel, I'm happy to hear your physical health is looking up again! Having gone through a minor "it might be cancer" scare two years ago, I totally get the mental toll that takes on you. Also, I love hearing Kyra in the background, it soothes me. I'm only 8 minutes into the video as I'll have to watch it in portions (for schedule reasons, though I imagine others may do the same to avoid emotional overload), so I might come back and edit this comment later on.
Dr. Ramani's videos really helped me! First they helped me realize I was a victim of abuse, then put boundaries around myself, then realize that I had to walk away from that relationship. It took a really long time to realize that the boundary stomping and crazy-making wasn't all in my head. Edit: just to clarify, this was a parental abuse situation. Your line "did he ever love me like he said he did" still hits home though.
while gabby and jimmy go around accusing, threatening, and name calling people - Rachel is still finding a positive by educating us after gabbys misuse of the word - I really hope Rachel grows and gets so much support on RUclips - she’s been kind throughout the whole thing and is even cleaning gabbys mess up for her by educating people for free - UR AMAZING RACHEL
I didn't know about Rachel before but I used to watch Jimmy's channel. Once I saw all those videos about what happened I unfollowed him and am now a new subscriber of Rachel's channel. I'm glad through all this I found her channel, as I'd much rather support her than the other two
She's come a long way and continuously comes out on top. Far too many people mistake kindness for weakness so to see friends turn against you because of a famous influencer's wrath makes social media a scarier type of hell. Two years later, Rachel's resilience and mental strength never ceases to amaze me.
i'm proud of you. i also dated an NPD sufferer and to this day i still catch myself making excuses for how she treated me. and like you, it took my friend (she's my singer, now) pointing out that she was extremely abusive for me to even consider the idea. i just thought of her cruelty as her struggling with her mental health, and i saw myself as courageous and loyal for putting up with it. ie: if i'd ask her to try hard to remember or suggest that she might have ever forgotten something, she'd take that as an attack on her character and get extremely angry. scary angry. as if the mere idea that mer memory was fallible in any way was a terrible personal insult. oh, btw, (and you may already know this but music is all i'm good at so let me pretend i can help lol) one easy-to-use tool for removing specific frequencies of sound (like a dog snore) that most programs have is called a parametric eq. basically you'll have one knob that chooses the frequency you wanna make softer or louder, and one that controls the volume of that chosen frequency. (and sometimes one that controls how much of the surrounding frequencies you want to control with the volume knob). it'll let you choose the part of the dog snore sound that's not also in your voice and turn it down. or you could alternately choose the loudest part of her snore and pull it out of the mix. it's way easier to figure out than it sounds. just turn up the one volume adjusting knob and mess with the other controls and it'll quickly make sense what they all do. plus, if you're working digitally you can layer the tool and remove the entire snore while leaving in the frequencies that are unique to your voice. tho honestly, the snore kinda made your story easier to hear. like ear bleach that's always on call.
The fall out with Jimmy that happened to you is something that I completely empathize with. It was hard to watch this go on from all the angles that I did. Im glad to see you are pulling through this Im so proud of you. It took me the better part of a year to return to a "normal" space. I am mostly saying this to let you know you are not alone!
Immediently I knew this was gonna involve gabbie somehow. It's so disgusting how she's so careless with these terms around you given your circumstances.
I'm a HUGE fan of Dr. Ramani! No one has helped me heal more. My mom is a narcissist, but at a subclinical level IMHO. She has several siblings like her, one with a BPD diagnosis, and others who would DEFINITELY receive an NPD diagnosis if they would ever deign to step foot in a psychologist's office. It's RAMPANT. My husband's family is similar, but thankfully his own parents are not narcissistic, although his mother has been very deeply impacted by the narcissists in her life. My brothers were pretty damaged by my mom, and one if them is an intellectual narcissist. My mom was very concerned with us going to the most prestigious, advanced schools, but wasn't willing to help us with our school work in any way, or do anything to help us succeed, except make us feel dumb and guilty if we didn't meet her expectations without help. All four of us and my dad are autistic (Only one of us is diagnosed with autism (and bipolar disorder), two of us are diagnosed with ADHD (before high function autism was the really a diagnostic option) the other one has suffered from psychosis, depression, a mental breakdown, substance abuse etc but if he has any official diagnostic titles he hasn't revealed them), and the pressure she put on us to succeed without offering any support was catastrophic. We all underwent frequent intelligence and cognitive tests, so she could brag about how brilliant we were. She would always tell me things like how my oldest brother could do a Rubik's cube in minutes at the age of five, when the Rubik's cube wasn't even invented until he was nine, and weren't available worldwide until he was 15. My middle brother and I were made to feel like we were the dumb ones in the family because we weren't scientifically and mathematically brilliant. Everything I did was wrong. My oldest brother was the scapegoat. My middle brother was the invisible one, and my youngest brother was the golden child. I'm the youngest by nearly 12 years, and I like to refer to myself as an invisible golden scapegoat, because I had to fulfill all three roles once my brothers were gone. My brothers were allowed to use drugs, stay out all night, throw wild parties, and be very promiscuous, but I was expected to adhere to purity culture and biblical behavioral standards. I have kyphoscoliosis and my mom liked to call me Quasimodo, which was very hurtful. She thought it was funny and clever.
I was also sexually abused, and she chose to ignore it, because I denied it when she asked. I was four the one time she asked me about it. He had told me that if I told my mother about the abuse, she wouldn't love me anymore, and I believed him, because that seemed very likely. After my denial, she continued to leave me alone and unsupervised with him, even though my brothers were INSISTENT that the boy was molesting me. I still won't admit to her that I was ever abused. She knows of course, and I think she always did, but she has dropped many hints over the years about how "all people who are sexually abused are mentally ill," to keep me from saying anything. If I don't say it, she can continue to deny it, and not feel guilty for allowing it to happen. She also likes to introduce me to people as her "skinny daughter," and then tell them that she used to be even skinnier than I am. It's incredibly cringy. I love my mom but I can't be around her for more than a few days.
She is legit the American version of Hyacinth Bucket, right down to the singing at people against their will, volunteering for things no one wants her help with, denying her humble origin, pretending to be upper middle class, and ignoring the obvious. Two peas in a pod!
I had been talking about this exact kind of video for the past few months in regards to GH’s behavior, as a survivor myself (had a narc parent), and I am so glad you are able to do a breakdown on this type of abuse. Healing is messy, painful, and sometimes embarrassing. It’s worth the process, though. Thank you for the video and sharing all of this, as hard for you as it may be. 💕 Survivor to survivor, you’re a badass and I am proud of you!
i hope this doesn’t come off wrong but im so thankful for you sharing your story. i wasn’t abused by a narcissist but i was sexually abused and csa survivor. and this made me feel scene? i dont know how to describe it, hearing your story, even though it’s different from mine, was validating. it made me feel less alone in the healing process, your bravery gives me hope for myself. it’s hard to describe the sensation, you’ve inspired me is a good way to put it, you’ve given me hope for my own healing, and i cant put into words how helpful this feeling is. thank you for your bravery and for sharing your story, i wish the best for you rachel
Kyra’s noises paired with your voice was really calming, especially with my sensory issues. I’m glad you’re speaking on this and more than happy that you’re cancer free. Hopefully this will help not only you but others who might be in a similar situation to yours. Sending love 💕
I’m happy for you, that you have overcome your health scare and how you are healing from how you were treated by that specific person, who I won’t name for the sake of your sanity. The whole way that you had that experience with an ex too, feels like she’s trying to bringing up an old wound that you don’t want to be brought up. My god, you’re so strong... I admire you.
This is the only video I've watched of you. I saw you got caught up in the storm of this big youtuber who we shall not name and then heard somewhere in some comment video about this video and was advised to come give it a watch. I'm really glad I stayed to the end eventho it took me two nights to sit through it. Thank you. You seem so sensitive and so kind, I love your energy and your dog even more so, esp since she saved you. Personally I've never been in a relationship with someone narcissistic this deep but i remember times where red flags came up (someone tried to isolate me from my parents) and I cut them off for that. Mainly, I take away from this video that if anyone I ever care about gets caught up in something like this I need to be there for them. Listen. Just listen. I hope I can be as good as a friend for them as your friends where to you when you did tell them the full truth. Thank you again, your courage is amazing.
I've seen some tumblr posts on my dashboard about how calling people narcissists stigmatizes cluster B personality disorders by associating them directly with abusive behavior - I continuously ask, "What should I call this abuse, then?" To refer to it as anything else, like you said in your most recent girl defined video, isn't good enough - the abuse we endure from narcissistic abusers is very specific. I would be more than willing to change the words I use for this abuse if different terminology became commonplace, but for now it isn't, and I can't minimize the horror of the abuse for the comfort of others. It isn't personal.
Yeah it sucks that the only terminology we have to describe this abuse also kinda has the effect of stigmatising people who suffering from a mental illness 😕 there isn't really a better way to describe it right now but hopefully we can get to a stage in the discourse where survivors of abuse can be provided with the knowledge they need to feel validated, empowered and avoid being revictimised while also using terminology that doesn't stigmatise NPD/ASPD so that people who suffer from those disorders can feel more safe reaching out for help and treatment and be less hurt by the stigma of the illness
@@anikajohnson6412 It’s a personality disorder not a mental illness. I wish people would stop calling narcissism a mental illness. Narcissists cause mental illness in other people. They think they’re perfectly fine and that there’s nothing wrong with them.
@@Catglittercrafts personality disorders very obviously are mental illnesses. You might not agree with narcissim being a mental illness, but there are 9 other personality disorders besides npd, which cause a lot of suffering to the people experiencing them.
I had a narcissistic friend. Im ashamed that deep down i still care about him a little. But im never going back, like the way i did so many times. Not worth it.
Please don’t be ashamed of that - it’s so normal to care about people when you’re a compassionate person. The important thing is you set up boundaries to stop yourself being hurt but, please, never feel shame ❤️
Sometimes the strong ones are the ones who most need to know you care. That you worry over them. Sometimes they’re strong because they don’t think they have a choice, or anyone else to lean on. So I guess what I’m saying is, keep caring anyways lol
There are so many people who are cheering you on. I'm so impressed with your strength despite all that you're going through and that you remain kind. That's badass. Much love from Canada 🇨🇦
Speaking out about these painful and intimate experiences must have been extremely difficult, but I completely believe it will be helpful for others who are/ have gone through something similar even just in feeling some relief in knowing that they aren't alone. so good for you for the courage and vulnerability. and you look absolutely beautiful, which is neither here nor there but I wanted to express that anyway!
thank you rachel! we love you for staying strong and continuing to put out such insightful videos, even when its so difficult to talk about this IS a serious topic and seeing people throw words around like they mean nothing is harmful as hell
Dr Ramani is a treasure to society! I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship almost 10 years ago. I still get upset from time to time but Ramani is a true healer. Always take it day by day and don't be hard on yourself!
Rachel, I've always loved your content and how all of it is filled to the brim with sincerity, passion, and infectious enthusiasm so as a fan of not only your videos but your personality as well, my heart hurts hearing everything you went through, but I'm also beyond proud of you for coming this far and being brave enough to share your story. Thank you for being vulnerable and making this video and for being such a light in this world. I also smiled whenever Kyra was on screen. She's such a good and loving girl. Sending you both tons of love and positive energy.
the second i saw the title, i knew you were going to not only talk about gabbie’s constant misuse of the term, but also discuss in depth what having a relationship with a narcissist (whether familial, platonic, or romantically) is like. as someone who has a narcissistic and abusive stepfather, thank you for spreading awareness. 🤍
Sent this to a friend who experienced this years ago. The gas lighting really hurt her too. She had me and other friends, but he had her convinced that she was in the wrong. Only his narrative was real everything else was crazy. I’m so glad she’s safe and happy now!
Please know that you are not alone there are so many survivors of this kind of abuse. I am SO proud of you sharing your story!! You are spreading a message of self love and caring I hope others can hear. I had a mother that was that kind of abuser. I am still healing after I cut her out of my life. I had to so I could live. So I am so proud of you and I hope you continue your healing and I am glad you made this video!
i'm so sorry you went through this. and i'm also so sorry you were called that word which should never be taken lightly or thrown around. gabbie owes you a serious apology at the very, very least. so proud of you for pushing through everything and speaking up. we need to speak up on these issues, we can't just let abusers continue what they're doing and silence victims. love you rachel, stay strong ❤
YES My last relationship was with a narcissist. My husband’s ex-wife is a malignant narcissist. This book seems to hit the nail on the head! Thank you for sharing!
@@lobstered_blue-lobster I’m on my 2nd marriage and so is my husband. His previous wife is an abusive narcissist. He still has to coparent with her. He is a wonderful man and we are both very happy. Thank you. 💙
Im so happy that you feel safe enough to share this! Im sure this will help lots of people! But also. Rachel: *talking about a horrible time in her life* Kyra: *racing in the indie 500*
Hi Rachel, I'm so glad to see that you're in a place where you feel comfortable talking about this now. The amount of emotions you needed to process for a good number of months couldn't have been easy, and this video helps reassures us that you're in a better place right now :)
I had a similar relationship where he lied to me about all of the deal breakers I asked about up front early in dating to see if we would match. He critiqued everything about me that at first he stated he was fine with like my love of tattoos, my preference to adopt children and even told me to give up on writing poetry.. It ended with me being SAed when he was high on coca cola. Very happy you're doing a video on this. Thank you so much.
I remember that live stream, and how afraid I was for you. As soon as it ended, I downloaded the video because I was so scared for you getting hurt. I’m so grateful you’re finally free, Rachel. Sending all the love to you 💛
Okay, so Im three minutes in the video and already have a strong urge to say the following: No matter what you struggle with with your mental health, you are worthy of love! Might not mean much from a stranger of the Internet, but still, to everybody who reads that: You are worthy of love. I am in a working two years relationship with my neurodivergent boyfriend (Borderline Personality Disorder) and even though the intense emotions, the rage, the "extra rules" in communication can be tough to handle, its fucking worth it. So no matter what you struggle with... as long as you work on it and aren't hurtful on purpose, you are equally as lovable as all those seemingly perfect, happy people out there. Don't listen to this little voice in your head... I know out of my own expierence how it feels to just not wanting to wake up again and being convinced that no body will ever care about you. But just hang in there and get yourself the help you need. Much love to you all from Germany
It took me two weeks to be in the right head space to watch this. Seeing the bs with jimmy really hit me as been ditched for trying to have boundaries too. I'm also a female ASD and have always been drawn to your straightforward consistent logical content. Your grace in these situations your strength gives me a guideline to move forward myself xx
Rachel, i am so sorry for the shit you've been through the past year or so. You handle it so gracefully. I am glad you have Miss Kyra. She is the goodest girl!
Im currently trying to help a friend that lives states away to get out of her relationship as he definitely has narcissistic tendency's ( i dont want to throw NPD diagnosis around ). I hope im getting through to her, he wont change and she deserves to be safe of all things. I have trust issues due to narcissists. I realized (in therapy) im target for them because im so empathetic and a people pleaser. I love seeing others happy. A few people greatly took advantage of that and that's putting it too lightly. Thank you for talking about this rachel. You're a wonderful lovely person and you deserve so much.
Rachel I just want to say I really really appreciate your strength in this video. Not only in handling the situation with GH with grace and maturity but being able to open up about your relationship experience. It takes so much mentally to be able to recognize abuse in a partner and then be able to share your experiences. This is going to help a lot of people and I'm just so glad you're using your bad experiences as an educational opportunity for you and the audience. Please don't stop being you Rachel! You and Kyra always brighten my day ❤️
You are an incredible human being. Thank you so much for sharing your story - you are one of the people who has encouraged me to be brave and speak out against the abuse of narcissistic people in my life. I am finally brave enough to call things what they are and your vulnerability has impacted me so deeply. ✊😭💜 thank you Rachel, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that trauma.💜
I'm so glad you got out of that situation, that you realized you're worth so much more than that, that you deserve goodness and love and you don't deserve to be treated that way. I've been a fan of yours for such a long time and I'm just so glad you're safe and doing better. I'm so glad you have your sweet girl Kyra to support you and grumble and snore in the background. It's comforting to hear her there because that means she's there with you and supporting you. You're a wonderful and strong person and an inspiration to me and I'm sure many, many others. Take the time you need for yourself to recover, take care of yourself, and enjoy the friends who have helped you through this.
Your so brave for being so honest and open. Thank you. Thank you for not hiding his name, and thank you for exposing your abuser. Your strong, intelligent, and beautiful. Your my role model and because of this video I left my abuser today. Thank you thank you thank you
I'm so sorry you had to deal with this - but thank you SO much for talking about it. As you mentioned, there have been certain people throwing around the term "narcissistic abuse" and using it in the wrong way and simply to gain sympathy, which is incredibly dangerous as it leads people to misunderstand what narcissistic abuse REALLY is, and how serious it is. I also just happened to have recently watched Dr. Ramani's appearance on Med Circle discussing Narcissistic Personality Disorder and she's such a brilliant lady! Anyway - thank you again for your bravery in sharing your experiences. I hope you can continue the process of healing.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this nightmare. He sounds like an absolute monster. Your strength for not only enduring his abuse, but actually seeing the truth and leaving, is very admirable. And putting this video out for everyone, including him to see is SO brave. I can't image how hard it was to be accused of being a narcissistic abuser..while at the same time, being a victim of actual, real narcissistic abuse. NA is one of those terms that the internet has just ruined. That and gaslighting are probably the 2 biggest ones that have had their meaning diluted and morphed. If people disagree with you, or says something you just don't like? Bam, it's NA. Bam, they're gaslighting. They have become catch all terms for "thing I don't like". And, I know this is unrelated, this isn't about her. But it's funny how so many of the descriptors of a narcissistic abuser actually fit Gabbie perfectly. She projects onto other people the things that she does to others.
![10 Rules For A [Miserable] Wife!](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/TXhnkm0H9Fc/mqdefault.jpg)
Rachel, don't say "stupid me" for believing his lies. You are absolutely not stupid. He is a manipulator. Please don't blame yourself
This this this this, she shouldn’t beat herself up over this, none of it was her truly fault.
I struggled with this mindset so bad. It was made worse when my own mom called me an idiot for staying with an abuser for 3 years. Fortunately, I've made peace with myself and realize that I was a victim and it wasn't my fault
Exactly! We don’t call a child stupid for not knowing an adult can act predatory towards them. She shouldn’t have been lied to in the first place!
@@abigailruth5631 Another weird thing about this kind of situation is when people call you an idiot and then turn around and do the same thing. I thought my mom was an idiot for staying with my stepdad for 16 years even though he was abusive and clearly didn't love us. I then proceeded to do the same damn thing myself, which lasted 4 years. And now I can't believe I was such an idiot.
@@Crocady1 aww you're not an idiot. And my mom tried to warm me of red flags she saw in my partner that were similar to my dad. And I didn't listen either. I just pray your doing better now
Gabbie: *Wildly misusing psychology terms left and right*
The school that gave her a psychology degree: *Is very uncomfortable with the energy created in the studio today*
I dropped out of my psychology education and realised how many psychologists are really bad people who don't really understand what they're talking about bcs they only care about passing the exams and not actually being an expert and knowledgeable
@@MELLMAO as a 1st year psychology major, I promise some of us actually just want to learn and help people :)
There's definitely a ton of shitty psychologists out there, though.
@@MELLMAO I’d like to think they wouldn’t make it all the way to graduation. Certainly not past a bachelor degree. I would think eventually the shitty ones would be filtered out particularly after their internships. But idk I wasn’t ever a psyc major.
@@MELLMAO Well getting a bachelors and becoming a practicing psychologist who does continued study, has clinical experience, and specializes is very different from a girl who got a bachelor’s in psychology & moved to LA. There are bad ones im sure, like in any profession..
when i was 15 one told me to “open my wind & let god be the sails”??? & then said some misogynistic shit. turned me off to therapy & psychologists in gener
but after a few years a friend recommended one who was great & opened up my mind
& the one i have now has helped me so so much (got him through my psychiatrist who was also personally recommended)
-the whole thing made me feel like its all about finding the right person with the right amount of expertise (to simplify it)
a bachelor’s degree in psychology provides no clinical training or training on analysis. it’s purely about studying people & brains. it enrages me when people use an undergraduate degree to try to be an authority on the health and mental health of others. if they actually went through clinical training they would know how WILDLY inaccurate, offensive, and unethical it is to throw around diagnoses or speculations about a person who hasn’t sat down with you and agreed to an evaluation. you’d lose your license for doing the things gabbie does.
*edit: initially wrote BA but changed it to bachelor’s because some people get a BS in psychology but the argument still stands
“Accusations from a narcissist are actually confessions”
Mmmm.. maybe gabbie should read that. Doubt anything would stick
Worse when it's one of your own parents.
Well shit
It's so true. I got accused of cheating constantly from my narcissistic husband, when I hadn't even looked at someone else for the whole 10 years we were married.
🤯
*_No one:_*
*_*Kyra's snoring intensifies._**
Its so cute
@@Femmebutstillathem When she was getting comfortable I couldn't help but say "aww" especially when she looked up at Rachel 😍😍
i genuinely had to put on headphones so i could try to hear her better because Kyra’s snores we’re making it inaudible😂 i wish there were subtitles 😂
Kyra's commentary made me laugh. Dogs have a way of putting your emotional disclosures in perspective.
@@watcherboy2723 Same. A lot of people are scared to admit it, because people are really mean (I got attacked once for saying she was distracting) but it's nothing that serious. Anything that isn't positive is hate.
Personally, Kyra's grunts are comforting, knowing you've got your best girl nearby
Edit: thanks for the love given to my comment!! Kyra is a great noisy gal
Yeah me too! It’s like we are friends who are visiting her and kyra ! 💕🐕🦺
@@cenaentiffanys kyra is my parasocial virtual puppy
I need to draw kyra as best girl now
i LOVE little pittie grunts! reminds me of home and my own puppy ❤️
I wish i could agree but her snoring for me made me very distressed
It’s just still so sick to me that GH kept calling you a narcissistic abuser when that is a real abuse you’ve been actually struggling with in your life
and all of that over (at worst) making fun of her shitty poetry 😩😩😩 i cant stand that woman, i cant wait for her to become irrelevant
Gabbie knows exactly what she's doing when she does that too. She seems to specifically target people with whatever causes them the most harm. It's terrifying. She's justified treating people horribly to herself and at the same time has absolutely no depth of self-awareness. I've never seen anyone else so deep in their shadow before.
I think this is just another case of "accusations are confessions". You are simply another target for her.
This is what true mental health advocacy is, not the weaponising of mental illnesses and neurodivergency that GH has done. I am so glad that you didn't get a cancer diagnosis Rachel. You are a lovely person and your videos are a delight to watch and provide me great comfort and joy in these difficult times xxx
+++++
this is the opposite of mental health advocacy are you fucking okay MATE
'cancer free' and 'all clear' are terms usually applied to people who have had a cancer diagnosis - not for people undergoing tests to rule out cancer. i am sure the process was daunting but some more careful language choices may be worth considering in relation to this experience.
@@CharlotteHardacre Ok thanks, I correct my comment
@@CharlotteHardacre I totally agree with you about the term ‘cancer free’, but I think “all clear” is an appropriate phrase to use when someone has undergone investigations for a possible cancer. In terms of ‘Last week I found a lump and underwent a mammogram; I just got a call from the doctor and, thankfully, I got the all clear!’. If that makes sense? (I have stage 4 cancer, so pretty used to the cancer world, so it’s interesting hearing other people’s perspectives.)
Im a male survivor of the same kind of narcissistic abuse, and im really proud of you. Leaving that relationship was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but you will get to where you want to be. Much love from the US
im sorry if this is off topic or comes across insensitive due to the subject at hand but the dog noises are so hilarious
Absolutely lol
Honestly it really helped me handle the subject matter better if anything
Lmao I was wondering what that noise was. 😂
It’s nice to know she has an adorable little dog to comfort her
Isn't the dog having breathing problems?
It is against the law to move a sleeping puppy so no worries. We understand!
I hate that the internet has taken the term "gaslight" and just ran with it. As someone who has ACTUALLY been a victim of gaslighting, it honestly just makes me really really upset. When I finally got the balls to confront my abuser and literally list out everything she's done to me (it was so bad she would hold knives up to me and tell me she was gonna kill me and I was afraid she would hurt me in my sleep), she just straight up said none of that happened and I must have been thinking about stories I heard about my other sisters. LIKE. Do you know how fucking insane that is??? I finally confront her and she just tosses it aside and says those years of abuse never happened?? And then proceeds to emotionally abuse me in the same conversation btw... Anyways, okay, this turned into a rant but SERIOUSLY the internet needs to learn its definitions.
It is never a good idea to confront them alone. You are more vulnerable that way. My mom is abusive and she is consistently worse when we are alone and she doesn't have to fool anyone but me. If we don't have anyone to stand with us and defend us when they are so obviously lying, it is easier to tear us down. When there were other relatives in the room they would often call my mom out in their lies, at least tried to appease her and I always ended up breaking down worse when it was just us. That's also why she always fights me on meeting my friends and questions them being in my life. The worst enemy to abusers is a system of support for the victim. Stay safe.
very much agree! Gaslighting is a very severe thing, and what you went through must have been pure hell.
Online i keep seeing people scream 'gaslighting' when its just someone lying. Like? yea lyings bad, but lying alone is NOT gaslighting!
My sister was a victim of gaslighting by her ex fiance. I think one of the best pieces of advice I had for her was to not give him a detailed explanation of why she was leaving him. I knew he'd try and gaslight his way out of a breakup, try and explain away all of her complaints about the relationship. Even in non abusive relationships you don't owe them an itemized list of reasons you're leaving.
Relatable af
I had an ex-girlfriend who went super hard into gaslighting me when we had…disagreeable interactions; for example, in our last conversation, the big blow up that convinced me to cut all contact immediately afterwards, she engaged in a fair amount of not only projecting but also tried manipulating me into thinking I was a misogynistic abuser and all our coworkers only pretended to be friends with me. Because this seemed so over the top, even in comparison to our previous arguments, when I asked in shock if I had merely contacted her at a bad time, she twisted that into me implying she was on her period. Before hanging up, she told me not to contact her again until I’d improved as a person and “stopped harassing people who just want to help you.”
Taking her at her word, I immediately unfollowed her on all social media’s and blocked her number; later, I found out this totally enraged her and that she started trying to bully mutual friends into cutting contact with me.
Good god, I totally dodged a bullet with that one and I’ve not regretted cutting her off even once since.
Sorry, but maybe you are unaware that as a nation, the United States just went through four years of suffering abuse from the Narcissist In Chief. We were totally at the mercy of this raging, raving monster, who lied about the reality we were going through day after day. Most of us had little knowledge of this personality disorder, but finally being able to put words to what was going on was a real eye-opener. So it's not just a personal thing, it became part of our national disaster and emergency. We are all better off for learning about it, and can use it in our personal relationships to help us live safer and happier lives.
About damn time someone corrected Gabbie's garbage with a brilliant video and I cannot think of a better person to have done this. :)
Kyras noises make me feel so safe. I love you Rachel and I hope your mental health is okay ❤️
Thank you ❤️
they make me want to have a nap with her
A book that helped me a lot when I was getting out of my abusive marriage was *Why Does He Do That* by Lundy Bancroft. I remember one time when we'd been ordered into post-relationship counseling by the child custody court, he got angry at the therapist and said "I knew this was going to happen. I knew I'd be blamed for everything! I knew you'd make it all my fault!" and the therapist looked straight at him and said, "Have you ever thought that maybe it is?" He didn't show for our last mandated session, so I got a free therapy session that did me so much good. The therapist was so kind and validated all of my feelings and emotions and even just hunches.
Rachel's experience with the men in her family acting abusive like that (around 41:00) is what I've heard from my own mother's childhood. Her father was like that and so her brothers followed in his footsteps, all the men in her life had this rage inside them (some more than others) and to escape the abusive family life, she ran to my father who also turned out to be the same. Luckily they divorced when I was still young enough not to see the abuse--she protected her children and broke the abuse cycle. Hearing Rachel open up about this almost made me cry. I'm so glad Rachel got away from him.
This is for Rachel too, but I have been reading a book about CPTSD about how severely these things in our childhood affect us and i have never felt so seen. It is brilliant. I believe it is called CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. You will know in the first chapter if it applies to you, but it has been a game-changer for me.
I’m pretty sure my dad has this disorder, unluckily for me and my brother my mother was afraid to leave him because of his possible retaliations, so we had to endure years of abuse, I pray every day so that I don’t make the same mistake my mother did
Where have all the good men gone? Who cares just chase the familiar abuse and shame all men. Adults have a responsibility to heal or they will do more damage be they men or women, victim or predatory in destiny.
@@trevorwest3457 I wasn't saying all men are abusive. Maybe it says something about you that you read it like that. 🤦♀️ Yes, people need to be in charge of their own healing, but victim shaming is not okay. This comment has a very 'nice guy' feeling to it... Yikes. 💀
@@Fallen4theFallen2 'who also turned out to be the same' was the point, this wasn't an accidental choice it was using a dangerous/ potentially dangerous person to heal placing her future children at risk hence the all men are abusive concept gets spread into society. Your daddy/ step-father etc., needs to take responsibility for his actions as well, whether he was made worse by his relationship with a victim or not, victimising or using others is wrong.
This comment comes from a long healed survivor, 'nice guy' shaming won't work. As a former victim I can tell you that as an adult you have responsibilities to yourself and others to do the work to heal, to do your best to anyway; this isn't victim shaming, I like to think of it as the original perpetrator getting to abuse more victims through the unhealed like a stray spiderweb trapping more victims and attracting more spiders. Your mum broke the cycle, got free of that web eventually; that is what matters. She would feel shame for how long it took, something she will never tell you, a much harder thing to face so show her that you are unaffected if you can.
Rachel seems to be trying to heal, there is nothing worse than wasting time on your abuser carrying them with you wherever you go self-absorbed by your own pain; you definitely don't want to find someone similar to invite into your life... I wish her a swift recovery and lots of invaluable life lessons she can use to help others.
Absolutely love how you’re using such a nasty situation to educate and help people who are actual victims of the terms people keep incorrectly throwing around. Thank you for sharing your experiences and bringing awareness to this stuff :0).
as a psychology student and also somebody who was a victim of narcissistic abuse i really appreciate you taking your time to actually educate people about this! thank you for using your platform to talk about this, since there is so much misinformation about it out there
Do not apologize for Kyra's noises. They bring me so much joy and soothe my anxious soul
Same reminds me of my pit I had growing up
Hear, hear!
@@haileys5224 Reminds me of my chunky old dachshund. He's deaf and snores just like Kyra
It bothered me quite a lot, but I'm not one to make a big fuss out of undeserving things.
Actually makes me anxious but snoring from anyone or anything does that to me
I have BPD, and I want to thank you for the effort you go to as to not stigmatize personality disorders. I’m proud of you, for the strength you show in your vulnerability. Nothing but respect for you ❤️
But y’all hurt ppl. My dad has NPD and he’s doesn’t care how much he’s hurt me and others. It’s hard to have sympathy with people who intentionally hurt others. What are you going to do about that? The stigma exists because it’s true.
@@Catglittercrafts I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. Please understand that not all people with personality disorders are your dad. Hurting others isn’t inherent to personality disorders. Anyone can choose to be hurtful, and just because a personality disorder affected the way you’ve been hurt doesn’t mean people with personality disorders are inherently hurtful. Plenty of us choose kindness, choose to grow, and work tirelessly to do the best we can. People choose to hurt others, but we don’t choose personality disorders. You can hold people accountable for their harm without equating the harm to a disorder, especially when we’re more likely to be victimized.
@@Catglittercrafts rachel has just said not everyone with personality disorders abuse and not all abusers have personality disorders. Please understand that. I’m sorry that happened but just from one person, it’s incredibly unfair to say ‘y’all hurt people’. With BPD we have tons of empathy and guilt.
@April Rants Not 'y'all'. Cluster B disorders are incredibly varied. Concerning BPD specifically (the one I have most experience with) it is a disorder with 256 subtypes and combinations of symptoms. It's the "bread and butter" disorder that really cannot be generalised. I have been abused and traumatised by people with BPD. I have also experienced the most healing love and healthy relationship with my current partner, who has BPD. Personality disorders are not a one-size fits all signifier of an abuser, just as not all abusers have personality disorders
@@Catglittercrafts your feelings against your father are valid, and what he did to you was awful. His actions make him a bad person. But calling someone a bad person for having a personality disorder is like telling them that they’re awful because they exist. Saying “y’all hurt people” sounds like “all of you are bad for having something you couldn’t help”. No one deserves to be characterized by other people’s actions, especially if many in that group are truly innocent.
My narcissistic abuser (thankfully past tense) was a literal PhD level psychologist. This was his specialty. I didn’t stand a chance against his master manipulation.
Best thing I ever did was leave him. He made it extremely hard.
That sounds especially terrifying, both for the people he dates and his patients.
@@morgianasartre6709 Yes. I’ve worried about his patients. He works with people with severe OCD and much of his treatment is about facing fears- He makes them do the things they are afraid of, so he gets to control them.
@@MsMere78 oh god, I'm on the waiting list for getting help for ocd right now. I'm so sorry that hes like this, I hope I never get him.
Dr. Ramani’s videos woke me up in 2019, and I was able to escape my 7 year abusive relationship. This is a super important topic, and I am proud of you for your strength and honesty. Especially after everything that has gone on recently. Thank you for speaking up and also sharing Dr. Ramani’s important work!
I love dr ramani!!!
Same thing! She was so helpful
Rachel, you are a true mental health advocate. I’ve been getting so sick of GH and her stans misusing the term “abuse” in general, having undergone emotional and mental abuse before. Thank you for providing a clearer and correct explanation.
The way she throws around the word abuse is awful to me as someone who is also a survivor. She thinks someone not liking her, not agreeing with her behaviour, critiquing her etc is an abuser and surprisingly she is the one with a degree in psychology.
Narcissists prey on people with big hearts. Your trauma is real and valid. Johnny will unfortunately move on to another victim. Your video is so important when it comes to breaking the cycle.
That is exactly why I’ve become more shut off and cold towards others. I’m too scared to become a victim again
Dr Ramani is an absolute queen! She was the sole reason I accepted, survived and escaped the narcissistic abuse I endured for years as the scapegoat for my step dads abuse. I’m so happy you found her to help you escape and thrive after abuse. Stay strong, Rachel!
So happy for you and I am praying for your continued healing!♥️
@@marisadaniela6 thank you so much 💚
Yes, she's great isn't she? I have watched her channel, very helpful and intelligent woman. Agreed.
Dr ramani helped you see the light but you did the work. Proud of you!
I grew up with a narcissistic father and sister and it took me years to unravel all the gaslighting and coping mechanisms I internalized to survive. My sister in particular would use projection like a cudgel. Any of her failures were my fault, she'd rewrite history to make me the villain and it would never end. My only escape was cutting them out of my life. Both of my father and sister hated others being happy. They'd do everything they could to ruin someone's day if they dared to be happy outside of them.
Thank you for explaining to people how narcissists will twist your brain until you have to untrain the damage they've done.
One of the weirdest traits I've walked away with is how I will hide anything I enjoy that I know my father wouldn't approve. He'd pitch fits and ridicule anything I liked that he didn't get or like. I still do it decades after moving out and it takes a lot for me to share something I enjoy with my husband out of fear of being judged even though he never does and might even like it himself.
@@ellenmint same.
What really gets my goat about this whole Goblin Heinous (sorry if this is childish, but I refuse to use her real name) situation is that I had never even heard of her until I saw your critique of her poetry. I watched the video not because of her, but because it was about poetry, and to this day, I have yet to see another reviewer who has done a more thorough, helpful and respectful critique of any book, let alone a book of poetry. She obviously has some major issues that she urgently needs to work through, and deserves compassion for the painful things that she had to endure in the past, but none of this gives her the right to treat you the way she has. She may not be a monster, but the way she has acted toward you is absolutely monstrous. You are a brave, compassionate, intelligent young woman who deserves respect and dignity, not this kind of nonsense. Stay strong, Rachel.
Yes
very nicely put! i just have to ask, was that monster reference intentional or 💀
@@AlienZizi Thanks! I'm sorry to say that I don't quite know what monster reference I accidentally made, but you've certainly piqued my curiosity!
Great comment
Goblin's the obnoxious egoist that everyone has in their lives, at some point. But she found social media, and now everyone can share her. Great.
Rachel, I know Jonnie as he did EXACTLY the same thing to my sister. It’s depressing to know he’s still doing this to people. I only found out how bad he’d hurt my sister a few years ago but if I’d have known I’d have protected her and done to him what he deserves to have done for all the pain he’s caused. I’m glad you’ve spoken up and I hope that if the laws do change he’ll get his comeuppance. If it means anything he’s going to end his life a lonely, empty, worthless, unfulfilled failure because he has nothing to offer this world or the women in it. Well done you, keep up the good work and keep speaking out.
H
Ugh, that's so awful that this guy has more victims. I hope he rots somewhere all alone so he can't hurt anyone else. I wish your sister the best on her journey towards healing and hope she's in a much better environment.💜
Honestly, hearing people talk about their experiences so openly is part of why I finally got help for depression (which has been fatal in my family) last year and started deconstructing so much of what I was taught as a teen. I have fallen off the path for a bit, but you sharing your story and being open has reminded me that I *REALLY* need to continue with my healing journey.
that is so brave of you. getting out of a family cycle is hard by itself, let alone when mental health is involved, and I know the struggle that can lead to. I hope you can heal and have the wonderful life you deserve
Keep going 🥰 it's a year later, so just in case you forgot 😊
You’re making me cry over here with your ending about Kyra. My cat Jet saved me. He’s my best friend and I left the alcoholic narcissist I dated for 3+ years because I could see the blatant negative effects the relationship was having on Jet. At the time, I was too broken down to advocate for myself, but Jet did. And in return, I left to protect Jet. As I heal and learn more, I know I will never go back to a relationship like that again, for me and for Jet. Jet and I loved hearing your story. I know how truly hard this is. Much love from both of us 😘😽
This made me cry. It reminds me of my dog that I actually didn‘t get on purpose at the end of a tough relationship and I truly believe that if it wasn‘t for her I would have never stood up for myself. I‘m really happy to hear you got out of that bad situation and are doing well!
Much love to you and Jet from me and my girl Flora.❤🐱
Thanks for sharing your story!
I’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse for almost my whole life. It inadvertently led to the death of my little sister and best friend. I hear you, I see you, and I’m on your side. I can’t imagine your pain, but I’m here to listen. You’re in my heart ❤️
Oh god I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Lots of love. You’re a good person ♥️
@@IxiaRayne thank you so much for this 🥲
I am so sorry! I wish you healing and happiness, and a good life moving forward on your journey. Shalom.
❤️
I’ve only just watched the beginning so far but just wanted to say I’m SO happy for you that your health worries have been cleared and that nothing scary is going on. I know what a relief that is and I’m so so happy and relieved for you. Also you look freakin BEAUTIFUL
Thank you ❤️
I know that this is hella parasocial relationship stuff but dude I genuinely worry so much about you. This situation must sometimes feel like a pit that you can't quite climb out of and I'm so truly sorry that this is happening to you. I also know that it probably doesn't feel like it a lot of the time but you are such a beacon of strength and grace and resiliency. So many people really look up to you and admire you. I wish you and Kyra all the peace and love and healing.
"I curated the hell out of that relationship."
Made me tear up a bit. Glad you managed to get away from him.
You are NOT useless!
Edit: Just finished watching the entire video and Kyra snoring in the background was everything I needed this morning! That is the very definition of useful 🙂❤
thank you so much for opening up about this. i appreciate how you used the book as a resource throughout this too. i'm sure this was really difficult to talk about. abuse in relationships is a huge problem -- it's affected so many people in my life and i'm really grateful that you're creating videos like this to help educate women. i'm glad you're out of this situation now!
except she didn’t make a video about abuse, she made a video about narcissism
@@blackandwhitethinking she explicitly made a video about narcissistic abuse; not about narcicissm in general, but about the specific intersection of NPD and abuse, which is a very small subsection of people.
i’m so sorry about all the shit you’ve been put through recently with Gabbie and Jimmy. keep making great content!
Who is Jimmy?
Whar did he do?
@@HoloTap Jimmy Snow
@@HoloTap another youtuber Jimmy Snow (Mr. Atheist). Theres videos on youtube you can find about this, but the general rundown is that he got involved in a conflict with Rachel about Gabbie Hanna's poetry despite not knowing anything about poetry or book critiques.
@@HoloTap jimmy snow used to go by mr atheist on youtube. essentially he involved himself in the rachel x gabbie poetry situation and took gabbies side without looking into the situation and what exactly happened at all. the video he made on the situation was completely full of awful takes and excusing the things that gabbie has done to rachel with assumptions ab what rachel did to her.
@@jaash7981 I bet Gabbie exploited the lack of knowledge of book reviewing that Jimmy has.
Did he love you, or did he love the idea of you and what you brought to HIS life?
This. So much this.
I think I've heard Dr. Ramani say that they love what you do for them. They love getting their supply from you. They don't love themselves. They don't love you.
Thank you, Rachel. When getting out of my abusive relationship, my therapist recommended: "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty, among others.
Thank you for the extra book recommendations! This is very helpful for those of us going through trying to leave on of these type of relationships right now.
At 13:00 - very familiar. I called it "emotional whiplash"
I loved Codependent No More. That was also recommended by my therapist and it was a major help.
Codependent No More is an amazing book. Highly recommend as well!!
I have “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft and it is an amazing book; helped me get through some trauma caused by an abusive narcissist ex and my abusive narcissist dad
Is "I'm pretty useless" a more casual phrase in Britain? It makes me want to hug you, what a tough way to feel. My heart has really been with you as you go through this. Lots of people feel very similarly to you. I try to avoid parasocial stuff but I really relate to your struggle lately and I wish you peace and comfort from one hurting heart to another
Aww this was nice. I absolutely throw myself into parasocial interactions to soothe my hurting heart. I hope you are healing or on your way to healing soon♥️
It's what I say to myself everyday in the mirror.
I think it is more of just a British phrase.
It is a fairly common phrase here imo (at least for those of us with low self esteem, which rachel does seem to have)
I would urge you to push for an laparoscopy before starting hormonal birth control. Endometriosis currently cannot be discovered in any other way and is more common than doctors sometimes think! Hormonal birth control can potentially make it worse 💔
As a long time viewer just wanted to say that the way you use what has happened to you to educate and heal other people is amazing! (also pls give kyra a kiss, I think I cried a little from cuteness when she made herself comfortable on the pillow!!) wishing you and her the best
Oo! In this episode of what they should ACTUALLY teach us about in school but don't...Good topic!😄
Emotional intelligence should always be taught in schools. One of the reasons I think it is not, is the amount of social push back that could happen. Society rn is structured to keep abuse quiet. To stand up to those in power, would in there mind jeprodise there ability to keep making money from oppressed ppl. Keeping people emotionally and physically entangled, keeps ppl from pushing for change.
@@iciajay6891 yeah that's why they often give you subpar education in bullying
Agreed 100000%
THIS. I got into an abusive relationship at 16 and (especially because it was my first relationship) I had no idea about red flags for abuse or that what was happening to me wasn't normal until it was at the point that I'd already suffered severe trauma. Teaching kids and teens about how to recognize abusive behavior would literally save so many lives - not even just directly due to violent abusers, but also indirectly due to all the people who go through addiction, mental illness/SH, and poverty following abuse.
I have always thought that Rachel would make an excellent teacher, not only in English after watching her poetry reviews and her funghi video but also in sex ed :)
Rachel, I am just a random middle-aged aunt on the internet and you don’t know me from Adam, but I am *so* proud of you. It can’t be easy for you to talk about, but it’s so important for people to have these conversations. I am in awe of your strength.
And I’m so glad that you have Kyra, sweet snuffling angel that she is.
Hi Rachel! That man was so vile and disgusting. A coward that rejoiced every time he hurt you. I'm so happy that you're healing. You're brave. You're talented. You're wonderful and your channel , subscribers and education are testimony of it. Thank you for sharing your experience and including resources and books. I hope you get to live a life full of love like you deserve.
THANK YOU. “Narcissistic Abuse” (Narc Abuse, My Narc) has been thrown around the internet so frequently, it’s the new buzzword & now EVERYONE knows a “narcissistic abuser”. Narcissism is a diagnosed disorder & ppl are diluting the seriousness by labeling every jerk a narcissist. Some people are just assholes-not everyone is a “narc”.
this is what I'm saying but rachel says that "narcissistic abuse" is just a common term to work with to describe a specific type of abuse. i dont thibk thats accurate because anybody can do what jonnie did to her and also not be diagnosed with NPD. also noting the fact she said "he has NPD essentially" makes me question if he's been diagnosed or if its speculation on rachel's part based on her research. it's okay to speculate but she's talking as if he's been diagnosed. i am in no way excusing what he did but it's still harmful of her to speculate on someone else's diagnosis. i commented and she didnt respond, but responded to someone else thanking them for understanding why she used the language she did. i understand where she's coming from but to normalize helpful conversation about highly stigmatized personality disorders is to use the right language no matter what is most commonly used. i dont like the book she referenced based on the fact that the author used narcissist and person with NPD interchangeably which isn't accurate, and I'm doing my own researh on the topic for a video but it's hard when most psychologists think the same way- villainizing the person with NPD and making them out to be intentionally causing harm when it is definitely aggravated by their disorder and not every person with NPD is abusive. rachel has failed to recognize her own bias in her research and failed to acknowledge it when called out on it, which unfortunately makes her research all the more stigmatizing and unhelpful. especially since she's using research that only focuses on the abuse people around those with NPD *may* face and not even research about how the personality disorder affects those diagnosed with it. its incredibly saddening to see the amount of bias and the fact that she's unwilling to recognize it.
The reason so few are diagnose with NPD, is that they literally think they're perfect, so obviously won't seek help. Narcissistic abuse isn't that uncommon, someone who has a pattern of lying, manipulating, shaming, guilting, verbal/emotional abuse etc., they clearly have strong narcissistic traits. And that should not be dismissed, or claim someone who has experienced it is lying. Even Dr. Ramani says this.
@@solbug No offense, truly, but psycologists use these terms in the way they do and make these diagnosis because they are trained professionals. What credentials do you have that supercede their knowledge to be able to refute them? Also, from a victims standpoint (which is the majority of what psychologists treat since the percentage of victims is far greater than the percentage of people with NPD in treatment) an NPD diagnosis is essentially irrelevant. The abuse is the same with or without the diagnosis, but the diagnosis essentially requires the abuse because it can only be diagnosed via patterns of behavior of manipulation, gaslighting, and grandiose self-worth. I fail to see how you could diagnose someone with NPD without there being a string of victims already in their wake, but perhaps you have some example in which this is possible? All the research I've seen though (from professionals) shows that anyone with NPD is also, by definition of the disorder, incapable of admitting fault and therefore incapable of sustained growth or change. Is it possible there are exceptions? I believe there likely are, but if someone with NPD got treatment and changed, by nature of the diagnosis, they would no longer be diagnosable with NPD. At best they'd be like a person who formally had NPD, because the patterns of behavior that make up the diagnosis would be gone. Otherwise, they are just a person attempting change, who still has NPD and is therefore still contributing to those patterns which result in victims. At no point can someone have NPD, act on it, and not have victims, so it's right to stigmatize these people. If anything, the very minimal group of people who hold an NPD diagnosis, but no longer act on their diagnosis should just consider themselves NPD survivors. To be clear this may be an issue in the way NPD is diagnosed that you dislike, as other diagnosis of personality disorders don't inherently have abuse and the inability to reflect and grow the way narcissism does. A.k.a. a borderline personality can be diagnosed without them manipulating, gaslighting, lying or cheating, things that are inherent to narcissist abuse but which are only potential byproducts of BPD. Basically, the DSM-5 lists lack of empathy and interpersonally exploitive behavior as criteria for NPD, both of which victimize others. BPD in the DSM-5 requires criteria like unstable interpersonal relationships, impulsively, etc., but nothing that inherently victimizes others.
@@Diademischief I guess the OP is getting at mental stigma and the depiction/discourse of clinical narcissist is not helpful in the big picture vs survivors understanding their abuse. Just got out of an abusive relationship and the pathologizing and monster making of abusers can write off the normalization of abusive dynamics in the relationship. Similar to how "sociopath" is doing around but is not a clinical term and despite the statistical bias of self-reporting it is unlikely to be as many with anti social personalities as accused. It is far more likely that abuse and overlapping abuse patterns are really common with these disorders and because of that you have abusers who have personality disorders ( aspd and nod having high rates of abuser but not all abusers having a personality disorder). So it's a messy intersection and survivors often want to understand what the hell happened. I did. So you have a mess of sensationalized coverage that is click baity plus a tendency to make abusers monsters rather than humans enabled and entitled to control and violence (which is worse to me). But npd abuse happens, is useful to discuss. So my long winded pointed is that yeah wider coverage of personality disorders and abuse is disproportionate ONLINE. Support groups for survivors online via text vs meat space or interpersonal communities is different and it's not surprising that the most eye catching type of abuse is the hot topic. I just wish identity abusive patterns period and then identifying more tools to help one survive. But that priority is up to a algorithm. I hope what I'm saying makes sense and to be real Rachel Oat's video is more about a survivor of a type of abuse experiencing a text about that type n whatever the algorithm does with that who knows. The only reason I'm commenting is that mental health stigma is not helpful because abusers can use it as a tool for gas lighting others or justifying their behavior as inherent rather than normalized.
@@faenen91 (edit) I agree with OP and your opinion entirely, I was responding to a different comment. I agree with you 100% in the overuse of the term across media and its affect on polluting the availability of useful knowledge for victims.
I believe the person I responded to has a far more extreme view that NPD shouldn't be stigmatized because it is a behavioral disorder, which I don't agree with.
You’re incredibly strong for speaking about this. As someone who has experienced narcissistic abuse from a parent (since I went to college we haven’t even spoken), thank you for explaining the true meaning and experience of the term. Love all that you do!!
I remember being very worried about you at that time. Especially considering the loneliness and isolation of lockdown. So many people have been stuck with their abusers for over a year. And after abuse, the hardest thing is learning how to be alone and live with your thoughts and memories. I'm so glad you are doing healthier and much better now. Thank you so much for sharing.
Omg Rachel, I watched this video years ago while being in a relatioship with a person with narcissistic personality disorder and even then I wasn’t able to see/admit what I was going through because of all the gaslight. Years after I come to see it again and everything makes sense now that I see it with the brand new perspective of reality. Thank you so much for making this video. And for everyone out there going through something like this, listen to your gut, please don’t ignore the red flags.
Gabby is beyond out of line. Between the excusing her behaviors over ADHD (which I do have and struggle with daily), and throwing around narcissism towards others… I don’t understand how she has any fans or supporters, but thank you for you being so vulnerable. Give Kyra lots of kisses and take care of yourself!
Your microphone may have directionality settings that for example would allow it to pick up only the sound in front of it and not next to/behind it. I have no idea how those things work but it might be something to try in the future. Kyra is quite loud at times but I'm glad she's there for you!
Dear Rachel, I'm happy to hear your physical health is looking up again! Having gone through a minor "it might be cancer" scare two years ago, I totally get the mental toll that takes on you. Also, I love hearing Kyra in the background, it soothes me. I'm only 8 minutes into the video as I'll have to watch it in portions (for schedule reasons, though I imagine others may do the same to avoid emotional overload), so I might come back and edit this comment later on.
Dr. Ramani's videos really helped me! First they helped me realize I was a victim of abuse, then put boundaries around myself, then realize that I had to walk away from that relationship. It took a really long time to realize that the boundary stomping and crazy-making wasn't all in my head.
Edit: just to clarify, this was a parental abuse situation. Your line "did he ever love me like he said he did" still hits home though.
while gabby and jimmy go around accusing, threatening, and name calling people - Rachel is still finding a positive by educating us after gabbys misuse of the word - I really hope Rachel grows and gets so much support on RUclips - she’s been kind throughout the whole thing and is even cleaning gabbys mess up for her by educating people for free - UR AMAZING RACHEL
I didn't know about Rachel before but I used to watch Jimmy's channel. Once I saw all those videos about what happened I unfollowed him and am now a new subscriber of Rachel's channel. I'm glad through all this I found her channel, as I'd much rather support her than the other two
Same I found Rachel through Jimmy, have unsubbed from Jimmy considering the situation
She's come a long way and continuously comes out on top. Far too many people mistake kindness for weakness so to see friends turn against you because of a famous influencer's wrath makes social media a scarier type of hell. Two years later, Rachel's resilience and mental strength never ceases to amaze me.
i'm proud of you.
i also dated an NPD sufferer and to this day i still catch myself making excuses for how she treated me. and like you, it took my friend (she's my singer, now) pointing out that she was extremely abusive for me to even consider the idea. i just thought of her cruelty as her struggling with her mental health, and i saw myself as courageous and loyal for putting up with it. ie: if i'd ask her to try hard to remember or suggest that she might have ever forgotten something, she'd take that as an attack on her character and get extremely angry. scary angry. as if the mere idea that mer memory was fallible in any way was a terrible personal insult.
oh, btw, (and you may already know this but music is all i'm good at so let me pretend i can help lol) one easy-to-use tool for removing specific frequencies of sound (like a dog snore) that most programs have is called a parametric eq. basically you'll have one knob that chooses the frequency you wanna make softer or louder, and one that controls the volume of that chosen frequency. (and sometimes one that controls how much of the surrounding frequencies you want to control with the volume knob). it'll let you choose the part of the dog snore sound that's not also in your voice and turn it down. or you could alternately choose the loudest part of her snore and pull it out of the mix.
it's way easier to figure out than it sounds. just turn up the one volume adjusting knob and mess with the other controls and it'll quickly make sense what they all do. plus, if you're working digitally you can layer the tool and remove the entire snore while leaving in the frequencies that are unique to your voice. tho honestly, the snore kinda made your story easier to hear. like ear bleach that's always on call.
The fall out with Jimmy that happened to you is something that I completely empathize with. It was hard to watch this go on from all the angles that I did. Im glad to see you are pulling through this Im so proud of you. It took me the better part of a year to return to a "normal" space. I am mostly saying this to let you know you are not alone!
I really hate Jimmy for this. He picked the wrong side.
Immediently I knew this was gonna involve gabbie somehow. It's so disgusting how she's so careless with these terms around you given your circumstances.
I have a deaf Pitbull who makes noises much like kyras
Because bulldogs are adorable grumps
My partner has a cavalier cross that make the same noises, especially when you rub his belly and it’s just 💕🥰😍♥️
I’m so glad you’re making this. Hope you’re doing well❤️
I'm a HUGE fan of Dr. Ramani! No one has helped me heal more. My mom is a narcissist, but at a subclinical level IMHO. She has several siblings like her, one with a BPD diagnosis, and others who would DEFINITELY receive an NPD diagnosis if they would ever deign to step foot in a psychologist's office. It's RAMPANT. My husband's family is similar, but thankfully his own parents are not narcissistic, although his mother has been very deeply impacted by the narcissists in her life. My brothers were pretty damaged by my mom, and one if them is an intellectual narcissist. My mom was very concerned with us going to the most prestigious, advanced schools, but wasn't willing to help us with our school work in any way, or do anything to help us succeed, except make us feel dumb and guilty if we didn't meet her expectations without help. All four of us and my dad are autistic (Only one of us is diagnosed with autism (and bipolar disorder), two of us are diagnosed with ADHD (before high function autism was the really a diagnostic option) the other one has suffered from psychosis, depression, a mental breakdown, substance abuse etc but if he has any official diagnostic titles he hasn't revealed them), and the pressure she put on us to succeed without offering any support was catastrophic. We all underwent frequent intelligence and cognitive tests, so she could brag about how brilliant we were. She would always tell me things like how my oldest brother could do a Rubik's cube in minutes at the age of five, when the Rubik's cube wasn't even invented until he was nine, and weren't available worldwide until he was 15. My middle brother and I were made to feel like we were the dumb ones in the family because we weren't scientifically and mathematically brilliant. Everything I did was wrong. My oldest brother was the scapegoat. My middle brother was the invisible one, and my youngest brother was the golden child. I'm the youngest by nearly 12 years, and I like to refer to myself as an invisible golden scapegoat, because I had to fulfill all three roles once my brothers were gone. My brothers were allowed to use drugs, stay out all night, throw wild parties, and be very promiscuous, but I was expected to adhere to purity culture and biblical behavioral standards. I have kyphoscoliosis and my mom liked to call me Quasimodo, which was very hurtful. She thought it was funny and clever.
I was also sexually abused, and she chose to ignore it, because I denied it when she asked. I was four the one time she asked me about it. He had told me that if I told my mother about the abuse, she wouldn't love me anymore, and I believed him, because that seemed very likely. After my denial, she continued to leave me alone and unsupervised with him, even though my brothers were INSISTENT that the boy was molesting me. I still won't admit to her that I was ever abused. She knows of course, and I think she always did, but she has dropped many hints over the years about how "all people who are sexually abused are mentally ill," to keep me from saying anything. If I don't say it, she can continue to deny it, and not feel guilty for allowing it to happen. She also likes to introduce me to people as her "skinny daughter," and then tell them that she used to be even skinnier than I am. It's incredibly cringy. I love my mom but I can't be around her for more than a few days.
She is legit the American version of Hyacinth Bucket, right down to the singing at people against their will, volunteering for things no one wants her help with, denying her humble origin, pretending to be upper middle class, and ignoring the obvious. Two peas in a pod!
I had been talking about this exact kind of video for the past few months in regards to GH’s behavior, as a survivor myself (had a narc parent), and I am so glad you are able to do a breakdown on this type of abuse.
Healing is messy, painful, and sometimes embarrassing. It’s worth the process, though. Thank you for the video and sharing all of this, as hard for you as it may be. 💕
Survivor to survivor, you’re a badass and I am proud of you!
i hope this doesn’t come off wrong but im so thankful for you sharing your story. i wasn’t abused by a narcissist but i was sexually abused and csa survivor. and this made me feel scene? i dont know how to describe it, hearing your story, even though it’s different from mine, was validating. it made me feel less alone in the healing process, your bravery gives me hope for myself. it’s hard to describe the sensation, you’ve inspired me is a good way to put it, you’ve given me hope for my own healing, and i cant put into words how helpful this feeling is. thank you for your bravery and for sharing your story, i wish the best for you rachel
You’re such a sweet person rachel. You don’t deserve all this crap people are putting you through. Wishing you love and comfort and happiness
Kyra’s noises paired with your voice was really calming, especially with my sensory issues. I’m glad you’re speaking on this and more than happy that you’re cancer free. Hopefully this will help not only you but others who might be in a similar situation to yours. Sending love 💕
I’m happy for you, that you have overcome your health scare and how you are healing from how you were treated by that specific person, who I won’t name for the sake of your sanity. The whole way that you had that experience with an ex too, feels like she’s trying to bringing up an old wound that you don’t want to be brought up.
My god, you’re so strong... I admire you.
This is the only video I've watched of you. I saw you got caught up in the storm of this big youtuber who we shall not name and then heard somewhere in some comment video about this video and was advised to come give it a watch. I'm really glad I stayed to the end eventho it took me two nights to sit through it. Thank you. You seem so sensitive and so kind, I love your energy and your dog even more so, esp since she saved you. Personally I've never been in a relationship with someone narcissistic this deep but i remember times where red flags came up (someone tried to isolate me from my parents) and I cut them off for that. Mainly, I take away from this video that if anyone I ever care about gets caught up in something like this I need to be there for them. Listen. Just listen. I hope I can be as good as a friend for them as your friends where to you when you did tell them the full truth. Thank you again, your courage is amazing.
I've seen some tumblr posts on my dashboard about how calling people narcissists stigmatizes cluster B personality disorders by associating them directly with abusive behavior - I continuously ask, "What should I call this abuse, then?" To refer to it as anything else, like you said in your most recent girl defined video, isn't good enough - the abuse we endure from narcissistic abusers is very specific. I would be more than willing to change the words I use for this abuse if different terminology became commonplace, but for now it isn't, and I can't minimize the horror of the abuse for the comfort of others. It isn't personal.
Yeah it sucks that the only terminology we have to describe this abuse also kinda has the effect of stigmatising people who suffering from a mental illness 😕 there isn't really a better way to describe it right now but hopefully we can get to a stage in the discourse where survivors of abuse can be provided with the knowledge they need to feel validated, empowered and avoid being revictimised while also using terminology that doesn't stigmatise NPD/ASPD so that people who suffer from those disorders can feel more safe reaching out for help and treatment and be less hurt by the stigma of the illness
@@anikajohnson6412 It’s a personality disorder not a mental illness. I wish people would stop calling narcissism a mental illness. Narcissists cause mental illness in other people. They think they’re perfectly fine and that there’s nothing wrong with them.
@@bri3449 people with personality disorders are not inherently abusive.
@@faeriegloss665 98% are. If you’re apart of the 2% that aren’t, then um? congrats? do you want a cookie?
@@Catglittercrafts personality disorders very obviously are mental illnesses. You might not agree with narcissim being a mental illness, but there are 9 other personality disorders besides npd, which cause a lot of suffering to the people experiencing them.
I had a narcissistic friend. Im ashamed that deep down i still care about him a little. But im never going back, like the way i did so many times. Not worth it.
Please don’t be ashamed of that - it’s so normal to care about people when you’re a compassionate person. The important thing is you set up boundaries to stop yourself being hurt but, please, never feel shame ❤️
Yay!
I won't lie when Jimmy decided to bring all the GH crap up again I was worried for you.
But you're strong and I shouldn't have!
Sometimes the strong ones are the ones who most need to know you care. That you worry over them.
Sometimes they’re strong because they don’t think they have a choice, or anyone else to lean on.
So I guess what I’m saying is, keep caring anyways lol
yaaaay spreading the good word of Dr. Ramani! Her work has been so incredibly helpful to the healing of so many of us
There are so many people who are cheering you on. I'm so impressed with your strength despite all that you're going through and that you remain kind. That's badass. Much love from Canada 🇨🇦
Speaking out about these painful and intimate experiences must have been extremely difficult, but I completely believe it will be helpful for others who are/ have gone through something similar even just in feeling some relief in knowing that they aren't alone. so good for you for the courage and vulnerability. and you look absolutely beautiful, which is neither here nor there but I wanted to express that anyway!
thank you rachel!
we love you for staying strong and continuing to put out such insightful videos, even when its so difficult to talk about
this IS a serious topic and seeing people throw words around like they mean nothing is harmful as hell
Dr Ramani is a treasure to society! I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship almost 10 years ago. I still get upset from time to time but Ramani is a true healer. Always take it day by day and don't be hard on yourself!
My mother was a victim of narcissistic abxse from her own mom as well as her mother-in-law. These types of videos are so important.
Rachel, I've always loved your content and how all of it is filled to the brim with sincerity, passion, and infectious enthusiasm so as a fan of not only your videos but your personality as well, my heart hurts hearing everything you went through, but I'm also beyond proud of you for coming this far and being brave enough to share your story. Thank you for being vulnerable and making this video and for being such a light in this world. I also smiled whenever Kyra was on screen. She's such a good and loving girl. Sending you both tons of love and positive energy.
the second i saw the title, i knew you were going to not only talk about gabbie’s constant misuse of the term, but also discuss in depth what having a relationship with a narcissist (whether familial, platonic, or romantically) is like.
as someone who has a narcissistic and abusive stepfather, thank you for spreading awareness. 🤍
Sent this to a friend who experienced this years ago. The gas lighting really hurt her too. She had me and other friends, but he had her convinced that she was in the wrong. Only his narrative was real everything else was crazy. I’m so glad she’s safe and happy now!
Oh my goodness you're lifesaver bby. 🥲♥️
Please know that you are not alone there are so many survivors of this kind of abuse. I am SO proud of you sharing your story!! You are spreading a message of self love and caring I hope others can hear. I had a mother that was that kind of abuser. I am still healing after I cut her out of my life. I had to so I could live. So I am so proud of you and I hope you continue your healing and I am glad you made this video!
i'm so sorry you went through this. and i'm also so sorry you were called that word which should never be taken lightly or thrown around. gabbie owes you a serious apology at the very, very least. so proud of you for pushing through everything and speaking up. we need to speak up on these issues, we can't just let abusers continue what they're doing and silence victims. love you rachel, stay strong ❤
Sending you so much love
YES
My last relationship was with a narcissist. My husband’s ex-wife is a malignant narcissist. This book seems to hit the nail on the head! Thank you for sharing!
Do you mean ex-husbands ex-wife? I hope you have gotten out of that relationship and you are doing ok. Much love! And cheers!
@@lobstered_blue-lobster I’m on my 2nd marriage and so is my husband. His previous wife is an abusive narcissist. He still has to coparent with her.
He is a wonderful man and we are both very happy. Thank you. 💙
Im so happy that you feel safe enough to share this! Im sure this will help lots of people!
But also.
Rachel: *talking about a horrible time in her life*
Kyra: *racing in the indie 500*
Hi Rachel, I'm so glad to see that you're in a place where you feel comfortable talking about this now. The amount of emotions you needed to process for a good number of months couldn't have been easy, and this video helps reassures us that you're in a better place right now :)
I had a similar relationship where he lied to me about all of the deal breakers I asked about up front early in dating to see if we would match. He critiqued everything about me that at first he stated he was fine with like my love of tattoos, my preference to adopt children and even told me to give up on writing poetry.. It ended with me being SAed when he was high on coca cola. Very happy you're doing a video on this. Thank you so much.
Sorry to hear about this but I'm glad that you are out of that relationship. Hope you are doing better now.
Thank you for posting this, I can’t wait to really get into this video. Also I’m not mad in the slightest about Kyra snores, they’re adorable.
I remember that live stream, and how afraid I was for you. As soon as it ended, I downloaded the video because I was so scared for you getting hurt. I’m so grateful you’re finally free, Rachel. Sending all the love to you 💛
Okay, so Im three minutes in the video and already have a strong urge to say the following: No matter what you struggle with with your mental health, you are worthy of love!
Might not mean much from a stranger of the Internet, but still, to everybody who reads that: You are worthy of love.
I am in a working two years relationship with my neurodivergent boyfriend (Borderline Personality Disorder) and even though the intense emotions, the rage, the "extra rules" in communication can be tough to handle, its fucking worth it. So no matter what you struggle with... as long as you work on it and aren't hurtful on purpose, you are equally as lovable as all those seemingly perfect, happy people out there.
Don't listen to this little voice in your head... I know out of my own expierence how it feels to just not wanting to wake up again and being convinced that no body will ever care about you. But just hang in there and get yourself the help you need.
Much love to you all from Germany
It took me two weeks to be in the right head space to watch this. Seeing the bs with jimmy really hit me as been ditched for trying to have boundaries too. I'm also a female ASD and have always been drawn to your straightforward consistent logical content. Your grace in these situations your strength gives me a guideline to move forward myself xx
Rachel, i am so sorry for the shit you've been through the past year or so. You handle it so gracefully. I am glad you have Miss Kyra. She is the goodest girl!
I love hearing that you know about Dr. Ramani!! She is so informative and helpful with this kind of topic!
Im currently trying to help a friend that lives states away to get out of her relationship as he definitely has narcissistic tendency's ( i dont want to throw NPD diagnosis around ). I hope im getting through to her, he wont change and she deserves to be safe of all things.
I have trust issues due to narcissists. I realized (in therapy) im target for them because im so empathetic and a people pleaser. I love seeing others happy. A few people greatly took advantage of that and that's putting it too lightly.
Thank you for talking about this rachel. You're a wonderful lovely person and you deserve so much.
Rachel I just want to say I really really appreciate your strength in this video. Not only in handling the situation with GH with grace and maturity but being able to open up about your relationship experience. It takes so much mentally to be able to recognize abuse in a partner and then be able to share your experiences. This is going to help a lot of people and I'm just so glad you're using your bad experiences as an educational opportunity for you and the audience. Please don't stop being you Rachel! You and Kyra always brighten my day ❤️
Omg Rachel I’m so glad you don’t have cancer! That sounds absolutely horrifying especially during everything that has been happening recently
You are an incredible human being. Thank you so much for sharing your story - you are one of the people who has encouraged me to be brave and speak out against the abuse of narcissistic people in my life. I am finally brave enough to call things what they are and your vulnerability has impacted me so deeply. ✊😭💜 thank you Rachel, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that trauma.💜
I'm so glad you got out of that situation, that you realized you're worth so much more than that, that you deserve goodness and love and you don't deserve to be treated that way. I've been a fan of yours for such a long time and I'm just so glad you're safe and doing better. I'm so glad you have your sweet girl Kyra to support you and grumble and snore in the background. It's comforting to hear her there because that means she's there with you and supporting you. You're a wonderful and strong person and an inspiration to me and I'm sure many, many others. Take the time you need for yourself to recover, take care of yourself, and enjoy the friends who have helped you through this.
Your so brave for being so honest and open. Thank you. Thank you for not hiding his name, and thank you for exposing your abuser. Your strong, intelligent, and beautiful. Your my role model and because of this video I left my abuser today. Thank you thank you thank you
Welcome back! Take some time to rest and recover
I'm so sorry you had to deal with this - but thank you SO much for talking about it. As you mentioned, there have been certain people throwing around the term "narcissistic abuse" and using it in the wrong way and simply to gain sympathy, which is incredibly dangerous as it leads people to misunderstand what narcissistic abuse REALLY is, and how serious it is. I also just happened to have recently watched Dr. Ramani's appearance on Med Circle discussing Narcissistic Personality Disorder and she's such a brilliant lady!
Anyway - thank you again for your bravery in sharing your experiences. I hope you can continue the process of healing.
you are absolutely astonishing. to go through that and still be such a powerhouse... thank you for sharing, we're rooting for you x
I'm so sorry you had to go through this nightmare. He sounds like an absolute monster. Your strength for not only enduring his abuse, but actually seeing the truth and leaving, is very admirable. And putting this video out for everyone, including him to see is SO brave. I can't image how hard it was to be accused of being a narcissistic abuser..while at the same time, being a victim of actual, real narcissistic abuse. NA is one of those terms that the internet has just ruined. That and gaslighting are probably the 2 biggest ones that have had their meaning diluted and morphed. If people disagree with you, or says something you just don't like? Bam, it's NA. Bam, they're gaslighting. They have become catch all terms for "thing I don't like". And, I know this is unrelated, this isn't about her. But it's funny how so many of the descriptors of a narcissistic abuser actually fit Gabbie perfectly. She projects onto other people the things that she does to others.