Podcast 270: This one word will improve your mental health & relationships
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- Опубликовано: 29 сен 2024
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SHOW DESCRIPTION: In this podcast I talk about how life is not an “either this or that” game. Rather, it is an “and” game, which means that it is normal to hold two or more opposing ideas or feelings in your head at the same time, even in your relationships, and accepting this will save you a lot of mental distress!
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PODCAST HIGHLIGHTS:
2:34, 5:40 Why life is not an either/or game
3:00 You can hold two opposing views in your mind at the same time
3:11 How you can love someone and be triggered by someone at the same time
4:45 The dangers of toxic avoidance
8:50 How to deal with guilt and shame in relationships
12:25 How writing helps integrate your thinking
17:15 How to use mind management and the Neurocycle to heal your relationships
18:17 Why you can’t change someone-you can only change yourself!
19:00 The importance of clear boundaries in your relationships
21:55 The way we show up in our relationships has a reason-we don’t live in a vacuum!
24:00 How to go from reacting to responding in your relationships
28:10 Why change is not easy but always worth it!
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Thank you I really love this video I am in the situation 32 years
I’m 88 years old and just this morning ordered YOU Book…I am so excited…
Please explain the concept of neurocycle...Tks🙏
Ya up. Toxic. People. Dam.💩 They exist 💯.Well I like how you talk. So next round is on me 🍷. I feel peace and strength 🥰🍷🍷🍷🍷💯. Thank you.
Setting boundaries. Example: family members cannot be the title that excuses the obnoxious, abusive behavior. Not acceptable. Any 'human' regardless of title, parent, sibling, spouse, does not excuse the behavior. Believe me it has taken me a very long time to arrive to this place.
Well done! I am still working on how to get to that. My family don’t want to take any responsibility for the part they have played in making my life so difficult.
@@zzannab it's on them. Keep on working on you. I realized one day, If I were a house 🏡 decorated pretty after spending thousands of dollars 💵 remodeling, why would I allow someone, even a sibling, who knows how hard I've worked on fixing up the house, let's say, especially after a fire 🔥, a storm ⛈ damaged it, why would I allow them come pouring gas ⛽️ on it and set it on fire 🔥? My -self- is like a house. I've spent time, energy, 💵💵 lots of money 💰 at the dr getting myself healthy. They know it. Why would I allow them, to come and stir up my peace? It would take me days, resources I'd have difficulty coming up with, to restore. Nope. This is boundaries.
Also, look at a tree 🌳 pour fertilizer at the roots the tree grows beautifully with foliage, fruit 🍊🍋🍎 Pour gas ⛽️ at the root and the tree will die. Nope. Absolutely not!
It's taken me too long and too much hard work to arrive at this moment in time. I will only surround myself with people who feed me positive energies.
I choose positive thoughts; focus on moving forward positively. On my death bed I will say I fought a good fight. I am responsible for me. Only people who want to be helped get help, get healthy and learn to change their pain and struggles into success and joy.
'Choose yourself first.' Best advice I was given. Best regards 🤗💓☮️🌱🌻
Excellent!!
Took me a long time to stop family abuse too. thank you 😊
I have had to put distance to heal myself. And, I with strong bounderies try to have minimal chats, text. But, as soon as i feel triggered I create distance. Its a long thought out choice. They will not discuss it.
15:00 with all due respect, sitting on this opposite side, as the receiver, i have learned:
1) the number of days doesn't matter.
2) tell yourself you are not responsible for this conversation for their response.
3) this is FOR ME.
In addition, Unfortunately, most of us cannot handle these quotas professionals come up with. It stress us out that we cannot reach those goals -talking to this person, 21 days-- I learned the hard way.
The best is when I learned to be responsible for ME. Forget about 'each other.' Yes it takes two people; yet, EACH take care of their own. I am here for myself. The other person usually is not ready to move at the same level. We cannot EXPECT others to be at our level of maturity/transformation or willingness. Therefore,
I accept our difference.
I am not responsible for bringing resolution to you.
I am only responsible for ME.
Get away from them. Block them. If not possible to move away create a Mind Block=pretend don't see them don't acknowledge them.
Because you know better than her? Erm no
Sounds like more toxicity
I absolutely adore this woman
She’s great
Thank u for ur brain and caring nature
U helped me understand a lot xxxx
I feel like I'm getting triggered by all the negative comments and feeling irritated when people are obviouslymissing the point from my perspective, when really I should be happy for those people because they're in the right place looking for a better life and making their way forward to a better future. While I further examine this issue in myself I am refraining from reading more comments, negative or positive, until I have worked through this issue further.
3:30 definitely helps to step away from black & white thinking and compassionately see everything as a whole
😊🌞🌻
Kinda like how Jesus said love your enemies - keeps you healthy - great tips you gave, thank you! Will be working on my 'And game' : )
Oh Dr Leaf…just received Your AMAZING BOOK…CLEANING UP YOUR MENTAL MESS..And OMG AM SO LOVING IT….WOW…SINCERELY Mrs carmen balko
Thank you 🙏🏼 my reaction was very enlightening. I love them but they were acting like a parasite. I had to leave the situation. I’m okay with loving them but realize they are not safe for me and my well-being. Thank you for helping me remove the guilt and shame of my reactions.
We get stuck when we expect things from people they do not carry. Go to those who supply what you need. Trying to force someone to give you what they do not have will cause you to feel bittet, resentful, comptemptous, angry... however do not let no one hold you back, love them but move on.
I think it gets me triggered because it affect MY life negatively. But i am stuck with that person whether i like it or not.
So how to deal with imature person who wouldn't grow up?
@Gigagrave first I would say I hear you. Second, I'd say based on what I've learned, you/we are never ever stuck with anything, ever. Our minds our powerful and even if the body is in jail physically, our minds could look at a different perspective and act as if be free to the point that whatever you tell it it believes it. As long as we practice hard enough, talking to ourselves, nothing, nothing can happen to you. The trick is 'How' to do it. It is so simple, we fail. It has to be done gradually, slowly. And never ever compare yourself to others. What comes easy to others, some of us have to work hard to achieve. We get there, we just have to go a different way. It is a process.
So, take it one moment at a time. Research nonstop. And find out what it is that fits you; the things your mind responds to. For me, here on RUclips it has been many different people. Dr Leaf has guests that are great at shedding light on learning about me. Marisa Peer, is great at specialty of speaking to the mind that it listens.
BK Shivani, is a great source for positive thoughts.
Sean Fargo I recently found for mindfulness meditation; teaching others because each person is unique. We respond differently to meditation and the subtlety of the adjustment is amazing for those of us who can't figure it out.
Hope you find the you for the healthy balance needed to take care of yourself. There's always always a positive way to move forward. Best regards.
@gigagrave oh and one more thing, we don't change people. So it would be futile to focus on them. However, YOUR change could make them realize how immature they are; or make them go away; or make them continue like that. Some people are not ready to transform or unwilling. We cannot sit (edit) around waiting for others. We are only responsible, and, held accountable, for OUR life. I read, 'self-transformation is the best gift we can give others.' Best regards. 😊💕🌻
@@Dani-ix9cl thank you. I will think about this and try it out.
I really enjoy podcasts where you are the only speaker because you have great material and I'm interested in what you are teaching.
Agreed, my favourite episodes are when she is the solo speaker.
@@Charity-vm4bt nlp is NOT a form of hypnotism..it INCLUDES SELF HYPNOSIS YES but nlp IS ABOUT CHANGING THE WAY U THINK AND HOW U DEAL WITH EMOTIONS..PLZ DONT TEY TO DOWN ON OTHERS WHERE U ARENT REALLY EDUCATED...WE BECOME ANGRY AND OFFENDED AT THAT WHICH WE DONT UNDERSTAND, SURE, BUT YOURE ACTUALLY NOT VERY SPOT ON WITH WHAT U ARE SAYING...SHE IN NOOO WAY IS USING NLP AND U WILL KNOW THIS IF U KNOW NLP
@@Charity-vm4bt nlp teaches U that u aren't just an i.q. u also have an e.q. and an s.q. IT IS NOT AT ALL HYPNOS8S..THE HYPNOTIC PORTION OF NLP IS NOT AT ALL WHAT NLP IS...IS SIMPLY A TOOL TO CHANGE YOUR NEUROLINGUISTIC PROGRAMMING AKA YOUR EGO IDENTITY THAT IS NOT CURRENTLY SERVING U...THATD BE THE SAME 0LACE YOUR NEGATIVITY ABOUT DR LEAF IS COMING FROM AS WELL..YOUR CURRENT IDENTITY DOESNT KNOW THE MATERIAL AND THEREFORE IS OFFENDED BY WHAT YOU DO NOT COMPREHEND
I’m on day 53 of my first 63-day cycle. I used the previous version of the Neurocycleapp. During days 23-53, the Neurocycle app updated. I missed doing the guided 21 days. During days 22-63, I appreciate the audio podcasts and the video podcasts on RUclips. I also appreciate the new material in the new version. I am tempted to do a Neurocycle on a ‘healthy’ thought. The Resources section on emotions lists a variety of emotions. I’m reluctant to do a new Neurocycle because it is so uncomfortable to work with the origin story. What about uncovering the origin story for a “healthy” thought?
Dr. Caroline, thank you sooo much for your step by step explanations & examples! This is so new to me, but so extremely relavant for me right now!! Thank you!!
How to coparent with toxic narcisistic ex husband?
I really thank God for your life Dr. Leaf, may the Almighty God increase you more and more IJN Amen
Dr Leaf, great point of coexistence. However, the main problem I see here is EXPECTATION. The assumption, inner automatic assumption, that we can approach the other person. Instead,
1)Most of the time, we are here, at this situation, precisely due to the lack of growth and refusal for the other person to seek help.
2)Most of the time we, ourselves, point the finger at the others.
This here, from the view across from you, after going through a very difficult situation in my life, and learning about taking personal responsibility, that ONLY ME, I can only speak, change, make a conscious decision for MYSELF, this video perhaps would be helpful and healthier addressing it from what I can do, what I am willing to do. Me.
At my beginning stage, if I were where I was before I learned about expectations, and personal responsibility, this would have hindered growth trying to engage other people.
I understand perhaps in an effort of trying to be all inclusive, forgetting the gist, the purpose. Yes both ideas can coexist, there's 'and' yet that and doesn't mean the other people/person will get onboard nor should I expect them to do so.
Our EXPECTATIONS of others, is not only unfair for them, it is unrealistic, and we give away our power of decision-making.
I will try never ever again place my expectations on someone else.
Nor, will I give my power of conscious decision-making to others. Not ever again. I claimed it. I own it. I take full responsibility, for all. Thank you so much for all your work and teaching. 🙏❣️😊🌱🌷
I agree and began to wake up every day saying this to myself and sometimes multiple times a day which diffused a LOT of the situation.
“No one owes me anything, and I owe no one anything but to love them”. Even if I have to do it at a distance (boundaries). It was a game changer!
@@lcm4him 👍Congratulations 🎉🎈 Choose YOU first. You will never regret it.
Only looking back, 1,2 years from now you will thank yourself. 🌻💜🌷☮️
Am wondering how this scenario would play out between an employee & boss. We don't "love" our bosses yet I can relate to so much of what you've shared here, where I find myself conflicted and triggered. It's toxic all around.
This is amazing, yes I have been feeling like this for a long time but I always reacted and now this has caused my relationship break up. I wish I saw this before. But no time like the present to work through my issues and communicate positively with future relationships. Allow space and time to move through the process.
@Carladayna 👍😊great introspection. But remember it takes two people. You have acknowledged you. The other party, who knows! They may not be ready to reach this point. And so the relationship ends either way. I agree. Me too. Work in progress 🙋🏻♀️💕🌱🎈🎉
Same. Jesus Christ found me, dr Caroline leaf speaks with a man named Louie giglio on the faith aspect of this. It’s great! 🙏🏻
This was so helpful. When a damaged loved one struggles and other loved ones have to try and stand between public and the person, the struggle is very hard and real!!!
When you live with similar symptoms of a BiPolar- a loved one who has went through much trauma and heartaches- and a very famous well known person who’s done much for the world and you want to protect their image from the public since you know they can’t help themselves but you live in anxiety and stress trying to stand between them and the public to save the legacy and all the good they have done and not disappoint the many people they’ve done so much good for. I’ve aged in these last 15 years dealing with and how I would love some help. Truly love this person but so hard on us as a family in managing, Protecting people as well as protecting them “from” people when people “don’t know” what’s wrong or why he’s acting out the way he is. 😭 Any specific help or particular book to read would greatly be appreciated. Hope you get this message.
@@lueri5659
Dr caroline leaf I believe she has a podcast that she did with a gentleman, I don't remember his name, I believe it was titled
Healing the inner child from trauma they talked about this subject, I believe his name was Steven, I pray this helps..Peace. 💕🙏📖♥️
Podcast 263♥️😉
Luvvvvvv this approach, I could listen to you forever 👍🏼🙏🏼👌🏼
I have been triggered by members of my family. First my son who is bipolar and schizophrenia and also other family members. Thank you I need to hear this. It doesn't have to be black or white.
this is liberating dr Leaf. thank you so much for your Godly wisdom. I am just wondering. Some people cannot be so verbal and very shy. It would be absolutely intimidating for such a person to lay their feelings on the table when they feel vulnerable. Its going to take a miracle and also, how does one know its wrong without standard of the bible? I am a spirit filled child of God and I have been born again and caught myself in the trap of just justifying my behaviour esp with kids ! So its crucial to have some kind of standard to know what behaviour is wrong! Controlling our husbands, kids...subtle control is very real but it would def not be able to know this without Holy Spirit showing us
This is powerful information and just already I feel a ton of weight lifted off. I thought I had been being open, aware and an AND person and that my conflict was unsolvable. But I was in a lot of Unacknowledged pain and didn’t realise how afraid I was to just look. Especially the ones we love. So glad you are talking about this. 💙
Oh Dr Leaf…just received Your AMAZING BOOK…CLEANING UP YOUR MENTAL MESS..And OMG AM SO LOVING IT….WOW…SINCERELY Mrs carmen balko
Ordered the book a while ago (takes a while to get to UK), really looking forward to it arriving in the next few days, thank you Dr Leaf :)
I like this, however I can’t share with my ex that we’re going thru separation because I’m the one that blows up and gets anxiety- triggered by her lack of avoiding, talking and leaving. So how do you tell someone let’s work on this when they don’t think they are toxic nor have a problem, only because they don’t talk or yell?? She made me feel for years not loved and never honored a conversation or working this out.. however thank you . I will try this on my own, see if I learn to let go
Thank you
Thank you, very helpful.
What word?
❤My Mind Is Made For Love❤
I wish it had been a relational conflict, ie passive aggressive child/mother you love. I so want to learn this but don't know how to get to root.
Instruction manual to deal with my current roommates
Thank you❤
Absolutly a fan of yours. Do you have any material to share in Spanish?
What to do when grade kid got a baby what do you do when you are under restrictions up in age
This is very timely. 💜
Sounds familiar....I have a eating disorder...stuffing my emotions 😫my family suffer from depression...I feel great when I'm not around them ..they are not fun to be around . I could tell you because I was told I was a good girl when I finished my meals ..only time I got praised ...wasn't allowed out until I finished my meals
OMG thanks for finding you!
thank you,caroline,i love listening to the way you share with us how to heal.
i am very grateful to you for sharing your lives work with us on this platform.
bless you abundantly😇
I love you Caroline. I have an issue with the phrase "agree to disagree" It seems when someone uses that phrase it's a power trip. Not the way you're using it because you are giving an example of where someone uses it. What I'm saying is if two people don't agree then they don't agree. No need to agree to disagree. As far as your plan to learn how to take responsibility for your own triggers and respond instead of reacting. I'm 100% on board... You Rock!!! I'm writing a book I'd love to share the concept with you about.
I would love to hear a podcast regarding emotional boundaries with yourself and in relationships
Dr Dharius Daniels (Pastor) has a great series on this...
Thank you, Dr. Leaf...but I disagree with the part of having to tell the person, "I am triggered by you". Seems a little insulting.
The point is, when i say, iam triggered by you, but you are not (!!) responsible for it, what might the other person think? - Yes iam responsible for it. We all know about the pink elephant, don't we?
If your mind is always focused on protecting false beliefs all you will ever manifest in your reality is anger and fear based emotions...
Impeccable Timing for this specific exercise !! Thanks so much!!
Okay 9 weeks program, I shall try. Thank you for posting this.
I really love you Dr. Leaf. You have a genuine love for others and a passion for the way you help others. Thank you.
Amen thank u very much.
Amen thank u very much.
I love this! Thank you.
One word to tell is 36 min video
I live in an aged care situation. I can have good thoughts in my bedroom when I’m alone, but as soon as I have be with others here, all good thoughts go out the window. Then I spend the evening just trying to clear the daytime events out of my mind. It’s very hard to pray properly which I try todo in my own bedroom before bedtime.
🙏🌹
:-). Sounds awful, I wonder if perhaps you could find one person you do feel safe with and invite on a visit in a neutral place for 1/2 hr or so prior to returning to your room?
I totally understand this. Sending thoughts, prayers, and one person like you who understands and lights up your day your way. ✨💛✨
Do not go to the boutique to buy milk. Some people do not have what you are looking for to grow. Feel free to not have to deal with them. Don't expect them to act right because they may not be able to act the way that would keep you peaceful. You are not responsible for them doing right you are responsible for your change.
The underlying issue for most is we don’t feel we are worthy of love ….our old person is trying to survive in the subconscious mind. Problem is I’m fighting religion and I want to use a system I am familiar with …my mind is thinking if I use it god will abandon me even though I believe I’m saved . Then I think we’ll God made us intelligent and there are many ways I get there . It’s religion and the feeling of failure that is stopping me . I was told my the church I’m not allowed to use Rapid Transformational therapy..I know it would work for me …but when I bought it , something in me disallowed me from using it ….what the heck is going on.
Absolutely brilliant, just so excited...thank you Jesus for coming to my aid.
Caroline, you are seriously a God send...wow 🎵🙏🙌💫💛
Thank you 😊
HI just curious..
if its all about mind, then why someone who get shot in the forehead. they die. is there no more mind? but brain has a hole in it..
so probably the real question is what keeps us alive?
mind or brain. or soul?
or adrenalin that keeps us moving?
My children respond negatively, I wish I could do this!
Thank you for suggestion.
What if they trigger you just because they are miserable and rude and unkind ? But they are your relatives? How do we handle that !??
Amen
This is very helpful!!! In so many differences , triggers!!! The 5 steps work for me!!! In these days and times there are so many triggers!!!
At times I'm not in a bad place I'm at a good place but still get triggard by certain individuals 🙄
Is pulling away to get some space a different concept than being passive aggressive? Especially hard to reflect on one's own motives when feelings of animosity are at the forefront of a situation.
How would person A explain pulling away to person B, to show that person A is not being passive aggressive, and what if person B doesn't believe person A's explaination?
Nice video, thank you for sharing! Stay healthy and safe! 👍😊🍓
Beautiful video, thank you for sharing! See you around! 🎧🎵😎
What do you do when you confront them kindly and they turn it on you? My daughter is breaking my heart over and over!
I live in El Salvador, I need your book in spanish!!! What is the cost?
This doctor is so adorable sweet her voice is soothing my soul and penetrated with knowledge and wisdom. God bless doctor Dr.
Thanks for your information. I appreciate you!!
Why have you gotten away from Christianity?
So incredibly helpful thank you 🙏
Dr leaf I bought all your books.. you are a genius
Thanks Dr Caroline for the great work you are doing bless you
Yes very real with my mother
Same
... "ego" ?! 😉
Yep!
Great insight and so helpful. TY
do you have an email address ?
Thanks I wanted the same vedio
Thank you Doctor Leaf, appreciated
When you anxious self awareness
Yes I e been operating in either or
I’ was reactive 🖐🏾
Thank You
Wish my book would come....xxx
Same still waiting for mine 😂
Amazing insights, thank you! We all construct our world views differently -coming from various family cultures, possessing different experiences, scars..Being open, kind and self aware is so so important and it's hard when this is not mutual! It does amaze me how much this echoes grace and love of God- being driven very much by an understanding of the other to serve them in a personally meaningful way. Sometimes in order to fulfill our best potential in a relationship, we need to draw away. I've needed help understanding what's going on in me and sometimes I don't completely grasp it. But at the end of the day, putting up boundaries and prayerfully considering how to love and forgive the other person works wonders!
@Jess absolutely! Yet this is within culture. I believe it is human. The more we know ourselves the best equipped we are to maneuver ourselves in the process of life interactions with others.
So you're 💯right that boundaries, prayer, love and forgiveness are the best tools that though seem geared towards others, are exactly what we must do to free ourselves and move forward. So simple and beautifully said. Thank you so much for sharing. 💓🤗☮️🌱🌻🌷
This woman is stellar!! She bright as they come beyond easy to look at, compassionate and loving, and one of the utmost HUMANE humans I've come across! Ty Dr. Leaf
Neuro cycle app :) I'm on day 20, love it! Listened to your new book Dr Leaf. Thank you for speaker ng slower in the book and the app. Very good. 🌟 🌟🌟🌟🌟 5 Stars
These steps don't work in narcissistic relationships, the steps apply to normal relationships
But they do! I'm going through the same thing and I believe in you, you can do it! The active reach in this case is shutting down even though it seems counter intuitive. If you haven't check out dr. Ramani
How do l get hold of a copy of your book Dr Leaf? I have looked on Amazon, they don’t have any copies. I have also taken a look on the neurocycle app website. There’s no copies there either. Where do you recommend I look for the book ‘Cleaning up the mental mess’
Try Amazon again ... I saw it there a week ago