My freedom came when I became uncontrollable. My N-ex began to fear me, which meant I needed to be discarded. And THAT brought me true freedom. She doubled down on the trauma and plans to isolate me, but I didn’t buckle. I lived under the grey rock. Until it was safe to emerge a free man.
My n - ex was only happy when I was too sick or injured to leave him. One decision of my own could send him into a tirade. Secretly and eventually I got away. I haven't spoken to him in 6 years. Good riddance!
I like freedom. I once had someone tell me I liked freedom too much. People get upset with you if you don't adhere to what they believe is right. Narcissists especially don't like it when you step off the path they've laid out for you.
My sister and I used to walk mornings for exercise on a walking trail. There were different up and down paths you could choose, and it was as if she dictated which way we went all the time. One morning I said I am going this way. She stormed off and had driven away before I got up the trail! Lol.
Dr C, I got told how to wash a pot while he stood over me. "Move your hand in a circular motion!" I turned to him and said "Seriously, you are telling me how to wash a pot." He looked dead into my eyes and said "Yes!" !?!?!?!?!? Once again you have described what I lived with and couldn't make sense of. Blessings and love to Team Healthy. Hugs to Gus xx
Lot better than their team stalker envy rage rape liars aren’t they jeff epstine human trafficking child rapists religion ahd jermey Dewitt fake family fake cops lol😂
I witnessed my older sister tell her adult daughter she wasn't cutting the birthday cake for her first baby's first birthday party. My sister took over. And now she wonders why she has custody of her granddaughter and her daughter is drug addicted.
My mother told me I wasn't loading the wish washer correctly, but I did it the same way she did. She also told me I didn't know how to lock a door correctly...go figure.
@@kimhumiston2686 heart breaking for the child and the mother. I hear so much despair and grief in the rupturing of that bond. Sending your family much well wishing xx
Freedom is our birth right and nobody can take that away from us. Let’s exercise our freedom in a way that is anchored in responsibility, dignity, respect and civility. Let’s be country dogs 😊 thank you for your help and support dr Carter 😊 God bless you❤
They go around saying they now "fear you" without providing any details of anything you did or said that would justify this "fear" of you. They just say they're scared and say you may do something like that one TV show. That seems to be enough evidence for most people to be okay with destroying someone's life over. Strangely, providing actual evidence on the narc's wrongdoings are ignored and seen as an attack on the narc's character.
I eventually got to the point where I consciously chose that if someone isn't intelligent enough to get their information from more than one source, if someone is willing to support one party in their actions against another, without ever double checking anything from the other's side or concerns, or trying to find a third party source at least, then I do not want nor benefit from having them in my life. It did suck, it cut a lot of people out. I had no idea how many people believe their totally incorrect thoughts. They don't even try to question it. Absurd, dumb, dangerous.
I've got that same BS game going on with the two narcs in my life. They act like me and my friends are thugs that will take them out the first chance we get. We are not. We are just the people they learned the hard way and will stand up to them and call their BS out regardless of who is looking on. 🤣
They are master's at manipulating cops, judges, doctors, social workers, the list is endless. It's not just the abuse they heap on you that drives you crazy It's that no one believes you. They are demons in private and people will congratulate you for having such a lovely . Then they will use you losing it as proof that you're the unstable one.
Hits the nail on the head! I'm 60...speak three languages, have a law degree and was a professional in law enforcement for over 20 years... and my narcissistic mother could never trust me to stay alone at their home if they were gone because I might forget to set the alarm...one of an endless line of examples and she refers to her mistrust and control with me all my life as being "NURTURING"...she says she can't let me have boundaries because being "nurturing is just in her DNA!
My mother told everyone that I did something to her that was so bad she couldn’t even repeat it. She took it to her grave because nobody ever figured out why she was so mean to me. She was a narcissist that never showed her true self to anyone but me.
@@cyndim8785that's terrible. What an evil thing to do! I'm so sorry. These people can't actually build anything, but they all have a genius for destruction.
I was one of 5 children. The one that was always there to help dad and included him in holiday dinners. Also trustee to his estate. If he thought a roast in his deep freeze, or canned soup was missing, who do you think he would ask if they took it? Me. Go figure.
I would like to help you see that your mother doesn’t have to keep your boundaries. You keep them and she can’t have things her way. Please be kind to yourself and I hope you can find a therapist like I did to help you establish boundaries that work.
Wow. Being asked “Well what do you think?” and the other person actually caring about my response. I literally could not decide on a can of beans at the grocery store or meal at a drive through literally because the people in my previous life never ever bothered to ask “Well what do you think?”. Dr Carter thank you, You are doing the Lords work. 🙏✨👑
Setting financial budgets for a family could be seen as narcissistic, usually by the sociopathic financially reckless spouse. Living within your means is “wise” not controlling.
He told me sometime after we got married that my dream and wants should be his dreams and wants. In other words I should only want what he wants and dreams and not have my own. Only God got me through 25 years of this. My anniversary was recent and I wanted to be divorced before then. I didn’t want another year.
I had this dream last night I was telling my narcissistic father my problem with him is he wants me to be him. He owned a construction business and had contempt for me and anyone who didn't want to be a laborer. Its ironic seeing he carries his cell phone on his hip because where does he think that technology came from? Construction laborers? In my dream he was doing some construction labor job and trying to make me do it but I told him to stop trying to control me. I think that's a good sign when I have dreams like that because it shows I came a long way from being codependent. I've been no contact with him for years. He was ridiculously jealous of me for going to college and being a weight lifter at the gym. He used to make fun of me for being skinny then after I put on a lot of muscle from weight lifting his insult to me was "You used to be a sack of bones and now you're a sack of shit". One time he actually showed up to my apartment and the first thing he asked me is if I was still taking whey protein. He must have been driving around so angry at me being muscular that he was actually ruminating about it and obsessing over it.
My mother told me at 15, sitting across from me at the table, that she never liked me. She said I was an ugly yellow big nose nappy headed bit** Needless to say, I could never understand her hatred towards me . I get it now, I am everything she'll never be. I'm empathetic, genuine, thoughtful, and smart . She has tried to destroy me my whole life, probably since birth. My grandmother raised me for a lot of my childhood, and she loved me. So although my mother influenced a lot of my life and pain. I experienced love from my granny, too, which keeps me strong.
No one can know in advance how their children are going to be. Good parents go along with the children they get, and educate them to be good people. Bad parents want their kids to be there for them.
Its his projection of his frustration, that have NOTHING with you my friend. You are here with purpose, never forget that!! Love and blessings from Croatia
My eldest sister directed my nail colour and music choices. I would be paralyzed at nail salons picking a colour at the thought of her rage and silent treatments. If I attempted to speak in public, she would look over her shoulder or down her nose and tell me to “shut up or who asked you?”
My wife does it to me. I exist only to drive her places, like to her friends. Once we get there, she tells everyone that we are late because I took a wrong turn somewhere... Never mind. Once I fulfill my duty as her taxi driver and scapegoat, from that point on, I'm forbidden to speak. If I open my mouth, she mocks me right there and then, as well as later on, at home. Wow, she is learning Chinese. Wow. Oh, by the way, I studied Japanese... How dare you speak! Interrupt me. Join MY conversation... So, when my wife is around, I'm also very shy. I don't like being around her. Being trapped in the car, or at home, with her. Usually, at around the time she is supposed to come home, I leave to go to the cinema. And, I come back when she is already asleep. In this way, we avoid fights... But, this is not a marriage.
@@MS-yf9dw It isn't life. As a person who years ago left an abusive marriage, I hope you get out. Like a frog in a pot of slowly heating water, the longer you're in, the more depleted your energy. At least, that was my experience. To leave such an abusive marriage requires a plan, outside support, and secrecy. Don't let the vampire know her supply is leaving.
When my mother was 70, her sister presumed the right to lecture my mother about what my aunt was sure was my parents' financial profligacy in taking a vacation trip. I had never seen my mother as furious. But the sister was always that way. She was not, however, a sociopath. Her son, my first cousin, is. These people are on a continuum, I guess, and a narcissistic parent will either crush a child, or recognizing that she's given birth to a fellow snake, nurture him in his viprousness.
@bobtaylor170 I worry about one of my sons. He is just like his mother. Following in her footsteps. He is only 12, but is already very good at this bs: lying, gaslighting, etc. And always taking his mother's side. Finding fault in everything I do. His mother's copy!
@@MS-yf9dw I wish I knew what to suggest. I'm sorry, I don't, except one thing: I'm a Christian. I'm doubtful of the idea that sociopathy is entirely a genetic thing, but also, of the idea that it's environmental. We all have volition, whatever the validity of my view about causes is. I believe that Jesus is God Incarnate, that we are all sinners, that Jesus lived perfectly for us, died to purge our sins, and was raised from the dead. If you're not a Christian, I urge you to read the Gospel of John, and to believe what the Apostle John tells you about Jesus. Then, cry out to God, actually or in thought, to rescue your family with salvation. I will ask my church to pray for you.
When I started gaining strength and freedom, my narcissist mother declared that I was possessed by her evil mother. At the time I thought to myself, WTF how bizarre. Now I realize that she had been dominated by her mother, and she dominated me, and when it became difficult to dominate me, she flipped to fearing me, just like she had feared her mother. OK, I get it now.
My female narc parent believed she owned the time of every member of the household. "How dare you try to go out and see your friends today? After I GAVE you TWO HOURS yesterday!"
My brother was the narcissist (he passed in 2009) he never really worked and slept all day and "messed" and expected me to take care of him. And objected to everything I said and did. I felt free when he passed.
"Perspicua vera non sunt probanda." In the past 4 years I've seen people demand safety for liberty. Narcissism is the water in which the masses swim. Liberty is a void that most are unwilling to peer into for too long.
When the difference of opinions began 10 years ago, I knew it was time to separate from my ex husband, the Narc because for forty years I'd gone along with everything he told me, and then I started to get a voice and have my say. This didn't go down well because he couldn't understand why. It was lonely at first, but I've been making the most of the freedom of choice I never had before.
True freedom always seeks the good. It seems the narcissist is so self-centered their freedom comes at the expense of that of another. But power-over is not true freedom. Be well Team Healthy!
Dr Carter, you have been such a blessing in my life. Thru the various angles you have presented, the cumulative benefit has been life changing in a positive way! You are certainly doing the Lords work and I can’t thank you enough…so grateful for you!
This is SO true! Double standards, indeed. These facts are very useful when reflecting back at the communication and why it made you confused. Thank you for making the obvious less convert!
My experience with this has become a distant memory. This causes me to look back on it and it's psychotic. It's hard to believe people act like this. I was totally befuddled by it.
Your video is great, thank you sooo much!! 🍀👍🏻 The analogy human-dog is hilarious and extremely percutant 👏🏻. Your perspective helped me measuring how much deeper my behaviors originate from my malignant n-father ...🎈👣🌱
My friend told me that he doesn't want me to ask him to explain anything that he says and it's irritating for him when I do that to him and it was irritating enough when he had to say it once. He said that I can decide if I'll quit asking him to explain himself when I don't understand what he's said and that I don't need to ask him to clarify anything to me. So I told him to leave me alone. He said that's sweet. I just have left him alone to himself to do whatever and hopefully people won't fall for him wanting to do this to them.
He will not let you speak your interpretation . You begin to explain…. He jumps up, twirls in circle, says your full of Bs and runs off and hides. Now I think he’s too afraid to hear a truth. He can criticize everyone else. It’s comes with accusations every time. When you call him in the accusations he says he didn’t accuse anyone. Yikes! Then what was it? He ends up putting himself in the cage! A dog can’t get out a cage himself. A human goes and hides so no one will see the flaws he spewed all over his family in his moment to control. We honored his request to work alone. He was given the freedom. He said he’d be done in a few weeks. If you hired someone to fixed your floors and put new in, how long would it take? It’s been 22 months since he said he’d be done. So we asked why it’s not done. It’s all our fault is not done and he’s got his guitar system set up in the house, not flooring has been replaced. His cats ruined the floors in Moms house. He made himself unapproachable. In anyway we’ve tried it has not worked. No one will go out because they are afraid of his language. They’ve become impossible.
That behavior is just pure jealousy to the core , when people show you who they are believe it, love yourself forgive yourself and them and move on you can validate your ownself it is not necessary that you should be valuedated by someone else especially that behavior in the narc category too , no the signs and red flags , why chose to be with someone when all they can do is drag you down to their level ? Be like bye bye and No more
I started questioning whether i was one ... Only because I object to the mean stuff and defacing stuff that friend says about others. I used to be afraid of saying anything... Only after 30 years i just can't seem to leave this friendship or place healthy boundaries with this person without objections!!!! 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢 Confused 😕😭
I rescued a dog that was in a no put down shelter.. He was a runner.. It drove me nuts and I was the one yelling and screaming at him.. Now that he is gone that is what I miss most;)
Will they ever leave you alone? I’m in divorce process now and he is now saying he is sorry and wants the marriage healed and restored. I heard this the other 6 times he left and wanted to come back. Last year he decided he wanted to live married but separate and he was cheating. I filed because I’m done. I haven’t spoken to him and he says it’s not right I won’t talk to him and that I want him to suffer. I want him to leave me alone.
My narc mother made it clear I was a nuisance and a bother and she didn't want me. When I found a place to go and prepared to move out, she called me selfish and accused me of 'abandoning the family'. The consequence of exercising my freedom is I was disinherited by my mother, and my inheritance from my father was stolen from me.
Great wisdom from one who spent decades studying human nature. Thank you, Dr. C for sharing with us. I was in a system that was so overpowering, I couldn't see "light" I am beginning to see a bit of light here and there. I no longer draw complete blanks when I think of who I am outside that system of enslavement. And as I do, my anger subsides. Thank goodness. On top of everything else, I thought I had become enslaved to my own anger. I'm just going to be 7:18 plain and simple on this uh one strong 7:22 thought that I have about human nature 7:24 is nobody likes to be enslaved nobody 7:28 likes to be 7:29 subjugated nobody likes to feel 7:32 overpowered nobody likes to be held 7:34 inside a cage
I said I wasn't coming to a holiday party which she had scheduled at an inconvenient time for me for 2 decades. I no longer worked for the family business she used to control me. Just that little bit of personal freedom set her off. She tried to discard me and I just let it happen. She stalks me still but from afar. Now I have real freedom.
Thank you Dr. Carter, I just laugh for the wrong reasons when I rarely spend time with my family members who have NPD traits. The power plays are so ridiculous! Lately, it has been white shoe laces, people doing things they know they shouldn't, and not using enough water when washing a mug.... It is impossible for me to even acknowledge the comments!
Been dealing with this most of my life between work and personal life. I married into a narc family and didn't even realize how much I hadn't thought for myself over the years of that. I have gone low/no contact with that, but work is just as bad. My co-worker and I are asked to do something and then it isn't good enough! I have been asked to take more initiative (I just graduated with my bachelors and will take over for my boss when she retires after this year). If she has taught me anything, it is how I don't want to be as a lead teacher. When I was completing my student teaching, I was treated as an equal and I felt great. Since I went back to work, I don't even want to go to work most of the time due to being treated poorly. I know my strengths and weaknesses and don't need to be put down because of them.
There is always another place you can work at including a job somewhere else , The environment in the work area should be peaceful and productive, it's miserable when the world environment is no good , good luck to you on your journey and i hope you find better work environment.
Awesome video and thank you GUS for putting your input. We sure love that Gus, he’s so helpful in all these videos Thank you Dr. C we love you too. From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
I love the way you are so funny when you describe how narcissistic logic works (for instance, the first minutes of this video). I am stuck (again) in a difficult relationship with my mother. It didn't happen all my life, I had great times with my work, with my friends, or living abroad... But right now, I am stuck again. And if I look at this difficult relationship with the humor you have describing narcissistic logic, then... not only do I find my situation rather funny, but I also don't really see where my problem is any more. I know it is going to cost me work, probably a lot. But at least I can start this work with a good laugh ! Thank you !
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you so much for the bottom of my heart. You are father figure we should all need, and thank you for your support and time. Appreciate it! And I love people who love dogs :) I am dog person from my early age, they are my "people" :) Bless you!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism not about to boost your ego :) but in my opinion you are appointed man by God for the time like these and thank God for you and people like you who really care . May the Lord Jesus Christ contuine to bless you with wisdom from above!
Dr. Carter, my "warden" gets worse every day. My distance is making him totally retreat. He feels the need to micromanage every single detail of each day. Food menu everything. It's looking more like extreme ocd 😅 Fun to watch. I'm ready to get my gate opened and run run run. Raised on 20 acres in Arkansas. Thanks so much for your astounding insight to this derailment.... just think of Mac Davis. Oh lord it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in EVERY WAY !!! WOW
Is it just me, or does that rage make you fear for your life even if they have never touched you. They destroy things. What's to make you believe you won't be next.
HELP ME PLS : Dr. Carter. Im in an evil movie. I went no contact with my ex and my mother. Now they hooked up together and went to a child care organisation and did false accusations against me. Now i have to prove im a good mother. How can people be so evil?
It's weird how they can also INVERT freedom when they want. Instant "I'VE FALLEN (it's yr fault, of course) NOW HELP ME UP!!" ...and right in the middle of a fight, where they were an aggressor. (Or in the case of my mom, once elderly, ad hoc and after various illnesses.) What is this called? Envictimizing oneself? "I love that you are free ... To Be My Savior, Now Get To It." Is there a word for this? Thank you, Dr. Carter!
Exactly, when I requested to the narcissist that he come up with a rental agreement I was told he had no time but interesting enough that a neighbor would tell me to my face how come I don’t pay rent, I never disclosed any information about the agreement in the house or any other information to this neighbor so isn’t that an interesting thing. My bankruptcy attorney when I told him about the I have no time said that there’s definitely something wrong with the owner of the house. Yup absolutely 👍 so that gave the guy free rain to come into the bedroom I slept in at 5am in the morning and turn on the overhead light while I was in bed asleep and pretend to clean a cat box in the closet that I already cleaned all because I have no rights in his house because I don’t pay rent 🤨🤪. I was subjected to other situations while I lived there, I have since moved out and as far as I could away from this nut case 🤪
This is a good explanation. Yet I'm thinking about how it starts. Having narc parents, it's often very hard for me to spot how it starts, and where the boundaries are. Because they seem normal. Until very egregious, and sometimes not even then. Like, oh it's just reasonable to go along with them. Geez...
Amen, amen, that's how things were. Thank you. I would love to hear about any experiences you have had with a "narcissistic triangle," as well as any advice you might give. In our case it was the narcissist youngest child (N), Mom (M), and any other family member or all of them (F). Mom was always the buffer / catalyst between N and F. N would start out with a request that sounded like a simple wish, and M would agree, as if she thought it was a good idea and liked it. She knew that not going along with N would result in N going into a bad mood and escalating his nastiness. Mom wanted to "keep the peace," and getting other family members to do what N wanted was the only way. If F made a face or started to voice any objection --- no matter how reasonable or kindly done --- she would always say, "Will you do it for me?" Eventually we figured out it was not for her; it was to keep N quiet. By the time they retired, our parents' home was run mostly by the whims and wishes of N. He controlled everything, but paid for nothing. Mom knew that as long as F did whatever N wanted, the house would be quiet and peaceful. Challenging N caused eruptions, so Mom pleaded with everyone to cooperate with her, which was merely doing whatever was necessary to pacify N. It was terribly vexing and sad, and resulted in F visiting less and less.
They would rather gaslight you than admit to their own fault.
Amen. They are everywhere.
Bingo ! And project too
Doing this allows them to retain their denial, God forbid they be responsible! and also to upset you. From their POV, that's 2 birds w/ 1 stone!
My freedom came when I became uncontrollable. My N-ex began to fear me, which meant I needed to be discarded. And THAT brought me true freedom. She doubled down on the trauma and plans to isolate me, but I didn’t buckle. I lived under the grey rock. Until it was safe to emerge a free man.
Congratulations it takes a really strong person to deal with their sh*t but you did it!!
And now you're free to be you!
My n - ex was only happy when I was too sick or injured to leave him. One decision of my own could send him into a tirade. Secretly and eventually I got away. I haven't spoken to him in 6 years. Good riddance!
That is awesome !!! I'm doing the very same thing ... So happy for you ❤❤
Thank you for this share! ❤🎉
I like freedom. I once had someone tell me I liked freedom too much. People get upset with you if you don't adhere to what they believe is right. Narcissists especially don't like it when you step off the path they've laid out for you.
Narcissists are like dogs: a Great Dane and a chihuahua are extremely different from one another, but they're both still dogs.
My sister and I used to walk mornings for exercise on a walking trail. There were different up and down paths you could choose, and it was as if she dictated which way we went all the time. One morning I said I am going this way. She stormed off and had driven away before I got up the trail! Lol.
Ain't that the truth?
Dr C, I got told how to wash a pot while he stood over me. "Move your hand in a circular motion!" I turned to him and said "Seriously, you are telling me how to wash a pot." He looked dead into my eyes and said "Yes!" !?!?!?!?!? Once again you have described what I lived with and couldn't make sense of. Blessings and love to Team Healthy. Hugs to Gus xx
Lot better than their team stalker envy rage rape liars aren’t they jeff epstine human trafficking child rapists religion ahd jermey Dewitt fake family fake cops lol😂
I witnessed my older sister tell her adult daughter she wasn't cutting the birthday cake for her first baby's first birthday party. My sister took over. And now she wonders why she has custody of her granddaughter and her daughter is drug addicted.
My mother told me I wasn't loading the wish washer correctly, but I did it the same way she did. She also told me I didn't know how to lock a door correctly...go figure.
@@mday3821 there are no words! I wonder how I knew as a child that my mother was not ok. Much well wishing to you xx
@@kimhumiston2686 heart breaking for the child and the mother. I hear so much despair and grief in the rupturing of that bond. Sending your family much well wishing xx
Freedom is our birth right and nobody can take that away from us. Let’s exercise our freedom in a way that is anchored in responsibility, dignity, respect and civility. Let’s be country dogs 😊 thank you for your help and support dr Carter 😊 God bless you❤
He acted like he was one of the children so i could never dump him. Yea what a great deal i had.
Lol Catalina 😂
Yes...The one who never grew up.
I recognise that strategy. Hugs.
Well men act like child. Mayberry he wasn't a narcisist.
Narcissists are empathy vampires.
I was born to be free and in order to be free, I am glad I'm getting help.
They go around saying they now "fear you" without providing any details of anything you did or said that would justify this "fear" of you. They just say they're scared and say you may do something like that one TV show. That seems to be enough evidence for most people to be okay with destroying someone's life over. Strangely, providing actual evidence on the narc's wrongdoings are ignored and seen as an attack on the narc's character.
This is the "confusion" they are known for ... Smh
I eventually got to the point where I consciously chose that if someone isn't intelligent enough to get their information from more than one source, if someone is willing to support one party in their actions against another, without ever double checking anything from the other's side or concerns, or trying to find a third party source at least, then I do not want nor benefit from having them in my life. It did suck, it cut a lot of people out. I had no idea how many people believe their totally incorrect thoughts. They don't even try to question it. Absurd, dumb, dangerous.
I've got that same BS game going on with the two narcs in my life. They act like me and my friends are thugs that will take them out the first chance we get.
We are not. We are just the people they learned the hard way and will stand up to them and call their BS out regardless of who is looking on. 🤣
I remember the Ex Narc telling me that he was a little scared of me, and I told him good cuz I'm not scared of you😂😂😂
They are master's at manipulating cops, judges, doctors, social workers, the list is endless. It's not just the abuse they heap on you that drives you crazy It's that no one believes you.
They are demons in private and people will congratulate you for having such a lovely . Then they will use you losing it as proof that you're the unstable one.
Country Dog (human translation: kindness, respect, courtesy, ethical, with clarity, focus, presence, happy) No Gaslighting
Gus gets it!
Thank-you, Dr. Carter.
Dr C, you just perfectly described my parents 60 yr marriage. My mother had 0 freedom. He was a 3 yr old in an adult body. Glad he’s gone
Hits the nail on the head! I'm 60...speak three languages, have a law degree and was a professional in law enforcement for over 20 years... and my narcissistic mother could never trust me to stay alone at their home if they were gone because I might forget to set the alarm...one of an endless line of examples and she refers to her mistrust and control with me all my life as being "NURTURING"...she says she can't let me have boundaries because being "nurturing is just in her DNA!
My mother told everyone that I did something to her that was so bad she couldn’t even repeat it. She took it to her grave because nobody ever figured out why she was so mean to me. She was a narcissist that never showed her true self to anyone but me.
change nurturing to controlling and she's right lol
@@cyndim8785that's terrible. What an evil thing to do! I'm so sorry. These people can't actually build anything, but they all have a genius for destruction.
I was one of 5 children. The one that was always there to help dad and included him in holiday dinners. Also trustee to his estate. If he thought a roast in his deep freeze, or canned soup was missing, who do you think he would ask if they took it? Me. Go figure.
I would like to help you see that your mother doesn’t have to keep your boundaries. You keep them and she can’t have things her way. Please be kind to yourself and I hope you can find a therapist like I did to help you establish boundaries that work.
Wow. Being asked “Well what do you think?” and the other person actually caring about my response. I literally could not decide on a can of beans at the grocery store or meal at a drive through literally because the people in my previous life never ever bothered to ask “Well what do you think?”. Dr Carter thank you, You are doing the Lords work. 🙏✨👑
You are quite welcome.
Thank you 🥰🙏🔥
Setting financial budgets for a family could be seen as narcissistic, usually by the sociopathic financially reckless spouse. Living within your means is “wise” not controlling.
He told me sometime after we got married that my dream and wants should be his dreams and wants. In other words I should only want what he wants and dreams and not have my own. Only God got me through 25 years of this. My anniversary was recent and I wanted to be divorced before then. I didn’t want another year.
laughing out loud at your delivery of the line "you being free doesn't work, me being free...that's an excellent idea!" @5:54
"Be a country dog"!❤ Also, I spent 80% of the time watching Gus! So cute!
When you started the dog analogy, Gus meditated briefly, then casually began to groom while you talked about dogs.
I had this dream last night I was telling my narcissistic father my problem with him is he wants me to be him. He owned a construction business and had contempt for me and anyone who didn't want to be a laborer. Its ironic seeing he carries his cell phone on his hip because where does he think that technology came from? Construction laborers? In my dream he was doing some construction labor job and trying to make me do it but I told him to stop trying to control me. I think that's a good sign when I have dreams like that because it shows I came a long way from being codependent. I've been no contact with him for years.
He was ridiculously jealous of me for going to college and being a weight lifter at the gym. He used to make fun of me for being skinny then after I put on a lot of muscle from weight lifting his insult to me was "You used to be a sack of bones and now you're a sack of shit". One time he actually showed up to my apartment and the first thing he asked me is if I was still taking whey protein. He must have been driving around so angry at me being muscular that he was actually ruminating about it and obsessing over it.
My father told me once "If I could go back in time and never have you I would." Out of no where. Its something I'll never forget I was 9.
My mom told me that over and over as a child.
Ditto. I 'ruined' my sociopathic mom's 'life' as a prostitute. Too much responsibilities when I came.
My mother told me at 15, sitting across from me at the table, that she never liked me. She said I was an ugly yellow big nose nappy headed bit** Needless to say, I could never understand her hatred towards me . I get it now, I am everything she'll never be. I'm empathetic, genuine, thoughtful, and smart . She has tried to destroy me my whole life, probably since birth. My grandmother raised me for a lot of my childhood, and she loved me. So although my mother influenced a lot of my life and pain. I experienced love from my granny, too, which keeps me strong.
No one can know in advance how their children are going to be. Good parents go along with the children they get, and educate them to be good people. Bad parents want their kids to be there for them.
Its his projection of his frustration, that have NOTHING with you my friend. You are here with purpose, never forget that!! Love and blessings from Croatia
My eldest sister directed my nail colour and music choices. I would be paralyzed at nail salons picking a colour at the thought of her rage and silent treatments. If I attempted to speak in public, she would look over her shoulder or down her nose and tell me to “shut up or who asked you?”
My wife does it to me. I exist only to drive her places, like to her friends. Once we get there, she tells everyone that we are late because I took a wrong turn somewhere...
Never mind. Once I fulfill my duty as her taxi driver and scapegoat, from that point on, I'm forbidden to speak.
If I open my mouth, she mocks me right there and then, as well as later on, at home.
Wow, she is learning Chinese. Wow.
Oh, by the way, I studied Japanese...
How dare you speak!
Interrupt me.
Join MY conversation...
So, when my wife is around, I'm also very shy.
I don't like being around her.
Being trapped in the car, or at home, with her. Usually, at around the time she is supposed to come home, I leave to go to the cinema. And, I come back when she is already asleep. In this way, we avoid fights... But, this is not a marriage.
@@MS-yf9dw It isn't life. As a person who years ago left an abusive marriage, I hope you get out. Like a frog in a pot of slowly heating water, the longer you're in, the more depleted your energy. At least, that was my experience. To leave such an abusive marriage requires a plan, outside support, and secrecy. Don't let the vampire know her supply is leaving.
When my mother was 70, her sister presumed the right to lecture my mother about what my aunt was sure was my parents' financial profligacy in taking a vacation trip. I had never seen my mother as furious. But the sister was always that way. She was not, however, a sociopath. Her son, my first cousin, is.
These people are on a continuum, I guess, and a narcissistic parent will either crush a child, or recognizing that she's given birth to a fellow snake, nurture him in his viprousness.
@bobtaylor170 I worry about one of my sons. He is just like his mother. Following in her footsteps.
He is only 12, but is already very good at this bs: lying, gaslighting, etc. And always taking his mother's side. Finding fault in everything I do. His mother's copy!
@@MS-yf9dw I wish I knew what to suggest. I'm sorry, I don't, except one thing: I'm a Christian. I'm doubtful of the idea that sociopathy is entirely a genetic thing, but also, of the idea that it's environmental. We all have volition, whatever the validity of my view about causes is.
I believe that Jesus is God Incarnate, that we are all sinners, that Jesus lived perfectly for us, died to purge our sins, and was raised from the dead.
If you're not a Christian, I urge you to read the Gospel of John, and to believe what the Apostle John tells you about Jesus. Then, cry out to God, actually or in thought, to rescue your family with salvation. I will ask my church to pray for you.
When I started gaining strength and freedom, my narcissist mother declared that I was possessed by her evil mother. At the time I thought to myself, WTF how bizarre. Now I realize that she had been dominated by her mother, and she dominated me, and when it became difficult to dominate me, she flipped to fearing me, just like she had feared her mother. OK, I get it now.
"Be a country dog."
"Find your peace"
Excellent advice! Thank you! 💜🕊
“Freedom is not a commodity.” Thank you so much, Dr. Carter. Your wisdom and insight have helped carry me through one of the darkest times of my life.
Oh I get it. I have caved to Stockholm syndrome enough times to know better than falling for their baiting tricks again. I appreciate you.
My female narc parent believed she owned the time of every member of the household. "How dare you try to go out and see your friends today? After I GAVE you TWO HOURS yesterday!"
I totally relate
That is too bad. I'm sorry.
Things a prison warden might say about time outside? Mine was the same. Let me guess; never ending chores?
Yes! Isn't freedom sweet?@@patjones2082
My brother was the narcissist (he passed in 2009) he never really worked and slept all day and "messed" and expected me to take care of him. And objected to everything I said and did. I felt free when he passed.
I LOVE the “dog’s view on life”! Great video! Hi to Gus!❤
"Perspicua vera non sunt probanda."
In the past 4 years I've seen people demand safety for liberty. Narcissism is the water in which the masses swim. Liberty is a void that most are unwilling to peer into for too long.
When the difference of opinions began 10 years ago, I knew it was time to separate from my ex husband, the Narc because for forty years I'd gone along with everything he told me, and then I started to get a voice and have my say. This didn't go down well because he couldn't understand why. It was lonely at first, but I've been making the most of the freedom of choice I never had before.
Perfect analogy, i yearn to be that country dog. I am hanging on to that thought, thank you.
You can do it!
For the record- wishing you, yours and GUS ( a regular dog 🐶) a nice 😊 evening and as well a delightful day ahead tomorrow
Freedom always seeks the good.
True freedom always seeks the good. It seems the narcissist is so self-centered their freedom comes at the expense of that of another. But power-over is not true freedom. Be well Team Healthy!
Dr Carter, you have been such a blessing in my life. Thru the various angles you have presented, the cumulative benefit has been life changing in a positive way! You are certainly doing the Lords work and I can’t thank you enough…so grateful for you!
Thanks so much, Jeff.
He had me change my lipstick AND perfume because he said he had an allergic reaction inside his nose when he smelled my perfume and lipstick 😂
Thanks to your videos and classes I am understanding my life so much better. thanks Dr. Carter.
This is SO true! Double standards, indeed. These facts are very useful when reflecting back at the communication and why it made you confused. Thank you for making the obvious less convert!
When things out of your/anyone's control are happening, they still try to blame you 🤔
My experience with this has become a distant memory. This causes me to look back on it and it's psychotic. It's hard to believe people act like this. I was totally befuddled by it.
Why does a narcissist do this? What do they gain from limiting a person's freedom?
I'm a retired 66 year old man. My narcissistic wife told me I should stop maintaining contact with old friends and coworkers.
Your video is great, thank you sooo much!! 🍀👍🏻
The analogy human-dog is hilarious and extremely percutant 👏🏻. Your perspective helped me measuring how much deeper my behaviors originate from my malignant n-father ...🎈👣🌱
Glad it was helpful!
My friend told me that he doesn't want me to ask him to explain anything that he says and it's irritating for him when I do that to him and it was irritating enough when he had to say it once. He said that I can decide if I'll quit asking him to explain himself when I don't understand what he's said and that I don't need to ask him to clarify anything to me. So I told him to leave me alone. He said that's sweet. I just have left him alone to himself to do whatever and hopefully people won't fall for him wanting to do this to them.
He will not let you speak your interpretation .
You begin to explain…. He jumps up, twirls in circle, says your full of Bs and runs off and hides.
Now I think he’s too afraid to hear a truth. He can criticize everyone else. It’s comes with accusations every time. When you call him in the accusations he says he didn’t accuse anyone. Yikes! Then what was it?
He ends up putting himself in the cage! A dog can’t get out a cage himself.
A human goes and hides so no one will see the flaws he spewed all over his family in his moment to control.
We honored his request to work alone. He was given the freedom. He said he’d be done in a few weeks. If you hired someone to fixed your floors and put new in, how long would it take? It’s been 22 months since he said he’d be done. So we asked why it’s not done. It’s all our fault is not done and he’s got his guitar system set up in the house, not flooring has been replaced. His cats ruined the floors in Moms house. He made himself unapproachable. In anyway we’ve tried it has not worked.
No one will go out because they are afraid of his language.
They’ve become impossible.
You can be "you", but on your own time.
That behavior is just pure jealousy to the core , when people show you who they are believe it, love yourself forgive yourself and them and move on you can validate your ownself it is not necessary that you should be valuedated by someone else especially that behavior in the narc category too , no the signs and red flags , why chose to be with someone when all they can do is drag you down to their level ? Be like bye bye and No more
I started questioning whether i was one ...
Only because I object to the mean stuff and defacing stuff that friend says about others.
I used to be afraid of saying anything...
Only after 30 years i just can't seem to leave this friendship or place healthy boundaries with this person without objections!!!!
😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢 Confused 😕😭
Yes, this is why we see so many narcissists with incidents of domestic violence.
I did! I left!
Narcissists- Crazy making behavior and insane thinking
I rescued a dog that was in a no put down shelter.. He was a runner.. It drove me nuts and I was the one yelling and screaming at him.. Now that he is gone that is what I miss most;)
EXACTLY RIGHT .
This dynamic sounds sooooooo familiar, but by another name.
BEST broadcast on ✊🏾 FREEDOM
Dr. Carter - can you speak more about narcissism and projection? Thank you for all the great information!
Great suggestion! If you go to the Q bar on my home page you could do a search for videos about projection.
Thanks for your help Dr Carter.
Will they ever leave you alone? I’m in divorce process now and he is now saying he is sorry and wants the marriage healed and restored. I heard this the other 6 times he left and wanted to come back. Last year he decided he wanted to live married but separate and he was cheating. I filed because I’m done. I haven’t spoken to him and he says it’s not right I won’t talk to him and that I want him to suffer. I want him to leave me alone.
My narc mother made it clear I was a nuisance and a bother and she didn't want me. When I found a place to go and prepared to move out, she called me selfish and accused me of 'abandoning the family'. The consequence of exercising my freedom is I was disinherited by my mother, and my inheritance from my father was stolen from me.
Great wisdom from one who spent decades studying human nature. Thank you, Dr. C for sharing with us. I was in a system that was so overpowering, I couldn't see "light" I am beginning to see a bit of light here and there. I no longer draw complete blanks when I think of who I am outside that system of enslavement. And as I do, my anger subsides. Thank goodness. On top of everything else, I thought I had become enslaved to my own anger.
I'm just going to be
7:18
plain and simple on this uh one strong
7:22
thought that I have about human nature
7:24
is nobody likes to be enslaved nobody
7:28
likes to be
7:29
subjugated nobody likes to feel
7:32
overpowered nobody likes to be held
7:34
inside a cage
Hello Dr C Thanks again for your wisdom and help. Great to see Gus too he’s so calming as well
I said I wasn't coming to a holiday party which she had scheduled at an inconvenient time for me for 2 decades. I no longer worked for the family business she used to control me. Just that little bit of personal freedom set her off. She tried to discard me and I just let it happen. She stalks me still but from afar. Now I have real freedom.
This is spot on. I can almost here him say the the things youre saying.
…he chuckled one day saying “ you’re supposed to be my cheerleader…
Thank you Dr. Carter, I just laugh for the wrong reasons when I rarely spend time with my family members who have NPD traits. The power plays are so ridiculous! Lately, it has been white shoe laces, people doing things they know they shouldn't, and not using enough water when washing a mug.... It is impossible for me to even acknowledge the comments!
Been dealing with this most of my life between work and personal life. I married into a narc family and didn't even realize how much I hadn't thought for myself over the years of that. I have gone low/no contact with that, but work is just as bad. My co-worker and I are asked to do something and then it isn't good enough! I have been asked to take more initiative (I just graduated with my bachelors and will take over for my boss when she retires after this year). If she has taught me anything, it is how I don't want to be as a lead teacher. When I was completing my student teaching, I was treated as an equal and I felt great. Since I went back to work, I don't even want to go to work most of the time due to being treated poorly. I know my strengths and weaknesses and don't need to be put down because of them.
There is always another place you can work at including a job somewhere else , The environment in the work area should be peaceful and productive, it's miserable when the world environment is no good , good luck to you on your journey and i hope you find better work environment.
Awesome! Just what I needed at the perfect time. Thank you so much.
Glad it was helpful!
Used to mention about what's being good enough for the gander not being enough for the goose, until I came across the one-word term.
We used to call Sibling K the " post mortem Doctor AUTOPSY" he graded How I acted at a Party. HOW I LOVE not knowing him now! HE IS EXHAUSTING
Awesome video and thank you GUS for putting your input.
We sure love that Gus, he’s so helpful in all these videos
Thank you Dr. C we love you too.
From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
For the record- Doctor Les Carter, Ph.D.: ( presenter: awareness- mental health: information ℹ️ fabulous) : btw: thank you 🙏: again: thank you 🙏
Thank you Dr.Carter.
You are very welcome
I love the way you are so funny when you describe how narcissistic logic works (for instance, the first minutes of this video). I am stuck (again) in a difficult relationship with my mother. It didn't happen all my life, I had great times with my work, with my friends, or living abroad... But right now, I am stuck again. And if I look at this difficult relationship with the humor you have describing narcissistic logic, then... not only do I find my situation rather funny, but I also don't really see where my problem is any more.
I know it is going to cost me work, probably a lot. But at least I can start this work with a good laugh ! Thank you !
That explains a lot of things for me. Thank you.
One of the best videos in the right time for me. Thank you a lot dr. Les!! Sharing, Blessings from Croatia
Glad it was helpful! And I'm so glad to be with you there in Croatia.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you so much for the bottom of my heart. You are father figure we should all need, and thank you for your support and time. Appreciate it! And I love people who love dogs :) I am dog person from my early age, they are my "people" :) Bless you!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism not about to boost your ego :) but in my opinion you are appointed man by God for the time like these and thank God for you and people like you who really care . May the Lord Jesus Christ contuine to bless you with wisdom from above!
Lol their ways are NOT superior! Honesty Godly love! Will always win ! Praise the lord!
Sounds like every south Asian parent 😭😂
Every ETHNIC Asian parent in general
I am south Asian and can confirm this is true 😂
Masterpiece 👏👍👏
For the record- Looking 👀 forward!!!
Thank you. Great advice! Relationships are for people. Connections are for appliances!! Son going through this in his divorce!
Dr. Carter, my "warden" gets worse every day. My distance is making him totally retreat. He feels the need to micromanage every single detail of each day. Food menu everything. It's looking more like extreme ocd 😅
Fun to watch. I'm ready to get my gate opened and run run run. Raised on 20 acres in Arkansas. Thanks so much for your astounding insight to this derailment.... just think of Mac Davis. Oh lord it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in EVERY WAY !!!
WOW
It’s amazing what you’re saying, doctor
Glad it resonated/
@@SurvivingNarcissism You’re helping a lot. You’re guiding me through a very difficult time in my life.
I love the dog analogy ! I’m gonna use that next time someone questions my freedom… HA !
Is it just me, or does that rage make you fear for your life even if they have never touched you. They destroy things. What's to make you believe you won't be next.
What you describe is very real. This is exactly why people like me encourage you to practice self care!
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you.
much appreciated, resonates. you just described my good old dad.🤔🤣😖☠🤬😡😱💯
Let us be country dogs 🐕 😊 thank you dr Carter 😊 God bless you ❤
HELP ME PLS :
Dr. Carter. Im in an evil movie. I went no contact with my ex and my mother.
Now they hooked up together and went to a child care organisation and did false accusations against me.
Now i have to prove im a good mother.
How can people be so evil?
It's weird how they can also INVERT freedom when they want. Instant "I'VE FALLEN (it's yr fault, of course) NOW HELP ME UP!!" ...and right in the middle of a fight, where they were an aggressor. (Or in the case of my mom, once elderly, ad hoc and after various illnesses.) What is this called? Envictimizing oneself? "I love that you are free ... To Be My Savior, Now Get To It." Is there a word for this? Thank you, Dr. Carter!
Liked & Subscribed!
Welcome aboard!
In Thanksgiving: ( USA 🇺🇸) : btw: the Presentation: ( awareness- mental health- information ℹ️ fabulous) : btw: is outstanding: again: outstanding
Dominance games.
Thanks with your validation❤❤❤
Be a country dog. I love it..
Country doe here and watching out for my own.
Cute little doggie 🐶 ❤
Exactly, when I requested to the narcissist that he come up with a rental agreement I was told he had no time but interesting enough that a neighbor would tell me to my face how come I don’t pay rent, I never disclosed any information about the agreement in the house or any other information to this neighbor so isn’t that an interesting thing. My bankruptcy attorney when I told him about the I have no time said that there’s definitely something wrong with the owner of the house. Yup absolutely 👍 so that gave the guy free rain to come into the bedroom I slept in at 5am in the morning and turn on the overhead light while I was in bed asleep and pretend to clean a cat box in the closet that I already cleaned all because I have no rights in his house because I don’t pay rent 🤨🤪. I was subjected to other situations while I lived there, I have since moved out and as far as I could away from this nut case 🤪
Ps, I imaginedt a big dog, than you mentioned: Fluffy😄.
Gus is a country dog. Good boy Gus, Good boy.
This is a good explanation. Yet I'm thinking about how it starts. Having narc parents, it's often very hard for me to spot how it starts, and where the boundaries are. Because they seem normal. Until very egregious, and sometimes not even then. Like, oh it's just reasonable to go along with them. Geez...
Eveytime i hear a the guitar part of the song.. i picture the doctor playing that shit, all laughing and feeling it
Amen, amen, that's how things were. Thank you. I would love to hear about any experiences you have had with a "narcissistic triangle," as well as any advice you might give. In our case it was the narcissist youngest child (N), Mom (M), and any other family member or all of them (F).
Mom was always the buffer / catalyst between N and F. N would start out with a request that sounded like a simple wish, and M would agree, as if she thought it was a good idea and liked it. She knew that not going along with N would result in N going into a bad mood and escalating his nastiness. Mom wanted to "keep the peace," and getting other family members to do what N wanted was the only way. If F made a face or started to voice any objection --- no matter how reasonable or kindly done --- she would always say, "Will you do it for me?"
Eventually we figured out it was not for her; it was to keep N quiet.
By the time they retired, our parents' home was run mostly by the whims and wishes of N. He controlled everything, but paid for nothing. Mom knew that as long as F did whatever N wanted, the house would be quiet and peaceful. Challenging N caused eruptions, so Mom pleaded with everyone to cooperate with her, which was merely doing whatever was necessary to pacify N. It was terribly vexing and sad, and resulted in F visiting less and less.