Are You Ask Culture or Guess Culture? This Communication Skill Is Life-Changing
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- Опубликовано: 1 авг 2024
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Most people don’t even know about this communication style, but if you did, you could solve a lot of problems in your relationships.
You can learn to improve relationships by learning how to identify whether you are an asker or a guesser. This is a communication style that no one is talking about, but if you learn it, your life can change for the better.
In guess culture style of communication, you try to put out feelers, because you don’t want to make someone uncomfortable by asking directly. You may hint at a request or subtly suggest something, and then only ask directly if you’re pretty sure the answer will be yes. In guess culture you rely on shared cultural norms. For example in Greece, it is rude to leave food on your plate- it signals that you didn’t like it. In China it is rude to clear your plate because it sends the message that there wasn’t enough food offered. The subtleties of the culture allow for people to show respect and consideration for each other, but can lead to confusion for outsiders. Askers may hate this, but the reality is, a huge amount of communication is nonverbal.
This is Ask culture. In some families you grow up with the message “It can’t hurt to ask.” but you might get no for an answer. That’s ok. The messaging to this couple from the ask-culture folks was “Just be direct. If she gets offended, that’s her issue, don’t worry about it”. In ask culture you’re more likely to be clear, straightforward, but also to be perceived as presumptuous or rude. (The woman asking to stay seems to be from ask culture, the husband and wife both seem to be from guess culture)
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"Avoid discomfort at the cost of clarity." That one really smacked me in the face.
Me in a nutshell watching her videos, because of stress and anxiouty...😊
Same! Light bulb moment!!!
To me unclarity is very discomforting so what the hell am i
@@_b7090 it is discomforting but I guess the guessers just suck it up as they try to guess. It doesn’t mean they like being in this state.
Except that not knowing what is expected, causes quite a lot of discomfort as well.
My experience is that "guessers" actually aren't more sensitive; they THINK they're more sensitive when in fact, they're more presumptuous. More often than not, when we try to guess another person's thought/action or intention, we are wrong. I know this because I used to be a guesser. My relationships have dramatically improved since becoming an asker. Never assume you know what another person wants or needs or thinks. Just ASK. I've learned to ask in "softer" ways so that you don't put people's guards up.
I disagree with 'just ASK.', do that if you're in a culture where asking is the norm or more the norm than guessing.
What techniques would you suggest to "soften" asking?
Examples of "softening" your ASKs (it is not simply "just ASK", it is a gentle ASK):
Instead of "Where were you all this time? Why are you late?", ask "What happened? Why are you late? Is everything ok?" (this gives the listener the feeling you are actually worried and not angry about the delay, and also gives them other questions to answer alternatively so they don't feel cornered into answering WHY they were late).
Instead of "I am having a party tomorrow night, would you come?", ask "I am having a party tomorrow night, do you think you could come?" (this gives the listener the opportunity to express they "can't" come although they would "like to").
@@dhillaz my ex wife is really skilled with these:
How do you feel about...?
Are you interested in...?
Can I ask you about...?
These and others turn what feels accusatory to a sensitive or avoidant person into someone whose agency is being honored and thus they don't need to defend by whichever coping mechanism they go to.
@@neliaferreira9983 "I am having a party tomorrow night, I would be glad if you could come?" but it depends how much you want to push someone to really come to the party and your relationship.
I think the directness of ask culture shows the other person respect. There’s respect in honesty.
I 100% agree. Guess culture is dishonest and self-centered.while it poses as being considerate of other peoples emotions it is really just a tactic meant to save the guesser from the feeling of rejection or a lack of respect for a persons ability to deal with reality. Guess culture is toxic.
100% agree
Depends on what you’re being direct about tbh, and frankly its often something that puts people in awkward painful situations. It’s like you guys don’t even care about preventing conflicts or other people’s feelings.
@@WASDLeftClick As mentioned in the video, plenty of cultures differ enough to cause confusion in various areas of life. I grew up with ask-culture, so I do find the certainty to be more comforting. However, I have learnt some things from the guess-culture, due to the nature of some of the jobs I've taken on, but again like what was mentioned in the video I do switch to guess-culture for some situations. My wife on the other hand is overwhelmingly ask-culture while being heavily for preventing conflicts which limits how often she will try asking rather than figuring out a way to solve the thing on her own.
As someone mildly neurodivergent (ADHD), guess culture absolutely drives me nuts. I'm so often caught up in my own head, I DON'T notice things which guess culture people expect me to notice, and I feel terrible when I AM finally pulled aside and told I'm not lifting my weight, or I'm doing this, that or the other wrong. If I'm just ASKED, or given some guidance and direction, I do perfectly fine! But when people expect me to simply read their minds, it not only results in me missing a lot of cues they'd like me to pick up on, it makes my own anxiety skyrocket because of how prone I am to assuming the worst when I'm forced to assume.
I'm also neurodivergent, mostly ADHD. But I'm also an empath. I prefer ask culture because of my neurodivergence, but sometimes I'm able to guess because of the empath but it can indeed be anxiety driven at times because sometimes i can't focus on how someone else feels and i just need to know for sure. I don't like guess culture very much, however, and I'm not a fan of passive communication. Too much mind fuckery.
@Kaydreamer - Well I don't know anything about ADHD. I struggle with low self-esteem and anxiety. And a reason for that is that people aren't authentic, upfront or honest. Those types of people in my experience care about their image and so they have to be strategic in a way to get their needs met. So they don't really care about you.
In my self-acceptance journey I try to understand my brain (my subconsciouness) and I realise how many habits I have to ignore or suppress my truth/authenticity (negative or positive emotions). You have to suppress a lot to survive in a toxic environment. But you eventually lose yourself. Ergo low self-esteem.
It's actually difficult to write this comment for me because I think about what other people would want to hear (and wouldn't cause me trouble) instead of what I really want to share. I have to re-write a lot.
Essentially you get trapped in your own mind.
I wanted to write this because you wrote that you feel terrible when people judge you for your mind. But I think the world actually needs people who can be more direct. So people like me have to question our behaviour, figure out what our actual needs are and heal. I've actually learned that I'm more scared of insecure people than confident ones. Insecure people judge more and that's how I learned to assume the worst also.
I don't think it's fair to expect you to be highly aware and make you feel terrible when it's something you just can't do. Wouldn't it make more sense to focus on authentic conversations and spend time with people who appreciate that? And also work on any issues like anxiety or limiting beliefs?
Let me know what you think.
Same! I don't notice or am not bothered by a lot of chores and other household tasks, so they literally don't register for me as something that needs to be done a lot of the time. I confess that I also don't have the best attitude about certain tasks and tend to drag my feet on starting them, for various reasons including suspected ADHD. I'm working on that part.
Fortunately, my wife and I came up with a solution. We realized that there are tasks we each prefer (and that the other dislikes) that take up a relatively similar amount of time per week. Now, rather than her waiting or having to nag me to do the dishes when she did them the last 2 times, she just always does them (and some other chores) because I always take our dog to the park (which I find much more fun, but is a lot of time per week). It may not be exactly equal, but it's close enough and has saved us a ton of frustration.
I feel a bit like a robot sometimes. I do tasks that have been requested of me (either case by case or as my responsibility by default), and I try to ask if there's anything out of my ordinary that I can help with. But expecting me to do a task that isn't part of my normal routine and you haven't specifically asked me to do? There's not a 0% chance, but don't expect it and get mad if I don't do it. Especially if I ask if I can help with anything and you say no. That is my way of being helpful, please don't resent me for it.
I happen to have ADHD-II and was diagnosed as an adult so I'm already in the most severe 8% of adults with ADHD -- meaning take this as possibly hysterics: I feel emotionally abused by guessers who persistently use vaguity, accept the benefit of me doing something that I presume based on what info I have from them, show little or no gratitude or even outright try to gaslight me into believing they don't have to be grateful or even acknowledge my asks because their vague signals were not direct asks of me. My mother and sister do this with everything. And it's gotten to the point where my sister has outright argued that she has to "put up with" something as simple as me trying to sleep without her and my mom literally talking across the house while I'm a few feet away on a recliner. The guesser behavior feels more and more like manipulative behavior the more I try to conceptualize it as a "communication style." It just reads like there is little to no defined line between subtlety and slipping into coercion -- am I wrong here? Like, imagine a scenario where someone walks into the kitchen when you're in there and says, "Oh, I don't feel like doing these dishes..." And after hearing that enough times, you reply, "Well, I mean, y'all should wash your dishes throughout the day." And then all of a sudden, it's like, "Those aren't even all mine, so." And it's clear that this "guesser" behavior is more like guesslighting someone into the burden of solving someone else's responsibilities.
@@harmonyqueue actually you have a good point. Some people are just downright toxic, like my mother, she tends to use the guesser thing a lot, and she hardly asks, she demands. I call it passive communication. I don't like passive communication and i personally see an issue with it. Some folks might have been raised that way, but it's all too often problematic in many ways. Truth is, you shouldn't expect people to guess what you want or how you feel and it doesn't work well with people with neurodivergence. I can see how it isn't an issue with people you know, but if you don't know someone, i think asker communication is better.
Trying to guess how people feel sometimes gives me too much anxiety and anxiety triggers overthinking for me.
I do think women are more often socialized into Guess culture and men into Ask culture. I feel like in many cultures, especially in the private sphere, women are frequently expected to know and cater to the family's needs without being explicitly asked. Whereas men are more often given the space to "relax" at home unless specifically asked to participate in a particular task.
I'm sure it depends on the family, but this was exactly my thought with the kids and dinner and homework example. I think this is a good distinction to make in communication styles, but a partner not noticing whether there are a bunch of things going on that need attention feels more like sheer blindness to me? Maybe that's the guess culture in me :P
that's an interesting observation, I also think a lot of men weaponize incompetence and perhaps subconsciously know they can "get away" with doing little, that being said, I feel if you do ask they will comply and be willing to help
i would have agreed with you 20 years ago but the new feminist movement encourages passive feminie men and dominant assertive women. we have pendulum swang. we are being conditioned to undermine ourselves and our roles for socialism/collectivism. divide the culture and family so that the government can play God. political correctness or "cultural marxism" leads to true marxism/communism and other cult like systems where power is distributed to external forces. Women are naturally designed to be intuitive responsders. this can go out of whack to extremes ...healthy men affect to healthy women. feminism and woke culture is destroying us.
Eh...
As a dude, this is super interesting to me because when someone is doing a chore in my home, I feel obligated to help. At the very least, I feel like I need to get them water/food and thank them for what they're doing. I'm a chronic guesser though so that could be part of it.
As someone who's generally an "ask" person, raised by a "guess" mother (who absolutely *refuses* to ask for anything, ever,) I feel like only "ask" people understand how incredibly jarring it is to get yelled at for not doing something you had no idea you were supposed to do. In my family I do my best to notice what needs doing and do it. I make lists for myself and stay on top of things as much as possible. But I'm a human and so sometimes I just won't notice something needs done, especially if it's not one of the things I normally am in charge of. Nothing is more unsettling and upsetting than going about your day thinking you're staying on top of things and then all of a sudden being yelled at for something you didn't notice had needed done for awhile but that the "guess" person had been expecting and waiting for you to do all this time and now they've finally lost if with you, not understanding you've been oblivious to their expectations the whole time. It feels like being assaulted out of nowhere and ruins my whole day. If there's one thing I could ask "guess" people it's please even you think something is "obvious," if someone doesn't notice, just be kind in how you ask if you do finally end up asking. Just be kind.
Oh, and also upsetting is asking "is there anything I can do?" And being met with "REALLY? Is there anything you can do? Look around!" When you are genuinely asking and trying to help. Sometimes people want help and sometimes they get annoyed at you for trying to help without asking so I feel like I need to ask 🤷♀️
👏👏👏 This resonates with me 100%
This is actually eye opening. I was raised by a "guess" mom and it was drilled into me to pick up on things. I now do this to my boyfriend and always found it jarring that he didn't notice when things needed to be done or when he sat around waiting for instructions when it was so clear to me how he could help. Now I realize he's an "ask" person and I just need to be upfront.
This! I don't understand how guessers can be mad at people for not doing things that they haven't asked for and aren't part of their normal tasks. Especially if you go out of your way to directly ask and get shot down or yelled at.
How are you supposed to help if you're not sure how to, but aren't allowed to ask? As someone who wants to help but has difficulty seeing how to (suspected ADHD and just generally being a stereotypical man), this has made me frustrated and resentful at certain points.
@@libbylava I totally get how it can be frustrating when it seems so obvious. Even for me, there have been certain situations when something seemed obvious and I started getting frustrated with others for not noticing, even though I do it myself all the time. I think the main thing we can all learn is to communicate kindly and not yell at each other. Easier said than done sometimes! But we are all capable of kindness.
@@seejoshrun1761 I have mild ADHD, but even as mild as it is, it can make things difficult at times because, well, *inattention.* I often just don't notice things. From what I've heard from others, it's definitely a thing for people with ADHD and I think it's unfair for them to be yelled at for something they can't control.
A therapist must be a “guesser pro” when listening, and an “asker pro” when inquiring and intervening. Everybody has behaviors from both, and we all switch depending on context.
A very astute observation!
Can you explain how being a guesser in this sense is necessary for a therapist?
It's not clear to me how being a guesser or asker affects _listening._
@@AexisRai Guessers are generally much better an interpreting body language - some "guessers" are *very* accurate heh
"We switch depending on context." I guess that this depends on how well balanced a person is - how well they can switch depending on context. Many people depend heavily on their own specialties. They couldn't give a hoot about putting themselves uncomfortably out side of their own box for the sake of benefiting another.
@@AexisRai Maybe?
I'm an asker. I found it helps to say "You can always say no." When you ask someone a favor.
This is it. Ask for what you want, but leave the other person an out.
Guesser here- you think you're giving the Guesser an out by saying they can always say no. But actually, because they are guessers, they guess that you wouldn't ask if you didn't expect a yes so feel obligated to say yes. I hope this sheds some light. It's just a difference of perspective. My other half is an asker- I have learned to be a bit more direct. My family are largely guessers.
You would think that. I've found that, even then, some guessers assume you're still demanding it but trying to be polite (because that's what they would do).
@@vroxxzz Fair enough, I have gotten actual noes from people when I have done this though, so it at least works some of the time.
@@brandchan Absolutely continue to give the option- it's great that you mean it when you do. Familiarity also help sometimes. I'm only going to speak for myself, but when I learn that someone is direct and I can take their word at face value, I try to do so. Like I said, my husband is an asker and even though I occasionally wonder if he might mean something other than what he said, he assures me that he 100% means exactly what he says (and time has shown that to be true) so I CAN just take his words at face value. This is also treu of some work colleagues who I have learnt aren't trying to communicate through subtext.
as a person who's in the autism spectrum, guess culture really ruins my life because i'm often incapable of understanding what people expect of me unless it is directly explained. non verbal communication just completely goes over my head.
Completely agree
My mantra is: "You never have to feel bad asking me for something if I never have to feel bad saying no."
Basically I tell everyone that I'm coming from a place of wanting to help everyone but not always being able to do so. I invite the ask and if I say no it's because I really can't help them even though I definitely want to.
For most people their eyes light up when I explain this to them. It takes so much angst out of my relationships.
I wonder if women and men are treated differently in this situation.
@@beadingbusily they certainly are, I'm much more likely to reach out to other men.
I'm very careful about when and how I exchange contact information with women.
I was married up until recently and didn't want even a hint of ulterior motives. If I did offer for them to contact me I would typically give them my wife's number so that there would never be any doubt about my intentions.
I am an ASKer and I have been called rude a lot. People put words in my mouth that I did not say because they are GUESSers.
In my early 20s, I once ASKed the house-maid "Have you seen my make-up kit? I can't find it.". She gave me a blunt no. A few days later my aunt (I was staying at my aunt's for a while, her house, her house-maid) tells me I shouldn't accuse people of stealing. It took us both a long time to clarify each other that I never said that, I was genuinely asking had the maid seen it since she goes thru the whole house, why would anyone read that as j'accuse? What? I was baffled. I refused to apologize to the maid, and simply stopped talking to her.
But I since try and consider how other people actually HEAR what I SAY.
I focus on using unambiguous words/sentences (not "I like books" but "I like reading books"). And ask of people to clarify their ambiguity, instead of guessing.
I use names instead of pronouns (not "I took them" but "I took those apples you mentioned"). And ask of people to clarify their pronouns, instead of guessing.
I focus on my tone of voice and soften it more cuz some people confuse assertiveness with aggression.
I elaborate a little on the question ("Have you seen my make-up kit? I can't find it but you will surely see it somewhere under something. Maybe you thought it belonged to my aunt and put it in her bathroom? Will you tell me if you see it, please?").
I repeat what people tell me with different words and ask "Is that what you meant? Did I understand you correctly?".
I sometimes come across as stupid cuz I have them clarify everything. But better look stupid (only at first, cuz them people actually appreciate it), than to fall repeatedly in a trap of misunderstandings and be considered rude.
Great techniques for softening Ask Culture communication. Thanks for sharing
This garbage happens to me all the time. I wouldn't ever talk to someone ever again if they thought I was accusing them of something so serious. I fucking hate guessers.
omg yes! I'm full-on ask culture and I struggle with people who are from guess culture, because I can sense they're being dishonest with me and never understand why in that moment.
It's actually hurtful to me and I feel disrespected when people lie to me just to avoid a conflict that's never gonna happen/ only happens in their imagination.
That’s literally dealing with the same thing.
@@emperorza5777 not getting your point, sorry.
@@MsAaannaaa Hey I just saw your message. I meant to say "I'm dealing with the same thing" I completely understand.
I understand... but as a guesser who is trying very hard to change, I understand that it is hurtful if they seem dishonest, but try looking at it from a bird’s eye perspective and it might be less hurtful because it is not personal. Many guessers have had traumatic experiences that make them terrified to say what they really mean directly, they have to test the water first. It’s very often a trauma response. For me, my family is ask culture, and so was I, until I got into a relationship where saying the truth was severely punished all to often. My experience with guessers who are more like this than is normal in their culture is they have had unpredictable parents who can go from nice to mean from a single comment, or have had someone else made them feel unsafe when they speak their truth. This obviously is not your fault or issue, but it might help to understand that many extreme guessers are genuinely scared of this imaginary conflict because in their past it has not been imaginary. This doesn’t go for everyone with this tendency, but it goes for almost everyone who does this excessively. Sometimes, what you can do is literally tell a guesser ‘I won’t get mad or anything, I just want to know what you really feel, please feel free to be yourself.’ Again, not your responsibility to deal with their issues, but it can make your relationships easier.
@@emperorza5777 haha ok :D
I don't understand why telling the truth is not a more important key to communication.
She is both sides ing it in this video kinda like the media does. They omit factual reporting and report instead on the opinions that 2 opposing sides hold.
YES>
Right?
"Boo-oo they called me fat!" "But you are fat." Say it in a gentle way though, so that the person realizes their options there.
Telling the truth doesn't have to be a weapon. It can still be a civilized discussion of diverging opinions of what the truth is (which is actually just a perception, shared or not).
you can come off as insensitive when directly commenting on someones insecurities without considering their feelings. what to you can seem as an objective statement can actually be phrased slightly more negatively which people can interpret poorly since thats something people already do to "acceptably" humiliate someone.
@@itsyaboinadia boy if that isn’t an absolute clusterfuck of boundaries and responsibilities. Everything you said is true from at least the one unique perspective of the participants and the witnesses. There is no demarcation of what belongs to whom exactly and who controls what exactly and what is not controlled by whom exactly. Delineate all thos aspects and you will be on your way to improved mental health.
As someone who is neurodivergent, I have some feelings about this. I have a hard time understanding other people. I don't know what other people want if they are not up front about it. I try to be up front about things because if I don't tell people how I feel, how can I expect them to get it right?
On the the other hand if someone asks me what I think of something, I usually can't answer on the spot. It takes me time to figure how I feel and why.
Is not knowing how you think or feel about something neurodivergent? I associate that with stress or fatigue.
@@puddleglummarshwiggle4236 yes, it’s called alexithymia, it is a difficulty in perceiving one’s own emotions. It can be its own thing, or a symptom of another diagnosis.
I’m neurodivergent too and I find both sides of this to be hard as well.
It's okay to say "I'm not sure how I feel/think about this, let me think about it" even neurotypical people have to do this sometimes
Yes to this!! It takes me a long time to process and articulate my thoughts at times so even simple questions end up with “I dunno.” Which can be frustrating for all.
Just like the example in the video, I have times when I think my partner should be able to sort out that I need help or I’m struggling but really they need to be given directions. The hiccup is sometimes I can’t just say what I need because I don’t know yet (and sometimes I don’t want the burden of decision making to always be on me, which is a whole other topic)
Honestly I have experienced both cultures, as I have moved countries a few years ago, from a very indirect culture to one that is VERY direct (the dutch). And I can say that learning to speak my mind assertively and not expect others to read my mind has 100% improved my life. Clarity in relationships is priceless.
I’m a Brit (a much more guessy culture than the US) and I’m an asker surrounded by guessers. I so appreciate any askers that come my way. I was brought up by a guesser and lived in high stress confusion as a result. You say neither is bad but in my experience a lot of guessers have low self-esteem and the confusion that often follows guessing can cause a lot more hurt. It can also be very manipulative. I agree askers can be insensitive but at least you know where you are with them. I’m well aware that my own background is clear in what I’m saying!
I'm also a Brit from an asker background, while all my friends, coworkers and previous partners have been guessers. I feel your pain!
Both are bad in extremes, it's as simple as that. Unsurprisingly the right answer is a healthy "middle".
I'm an asker, and I don't understand guessers. Isn't it much simpler to take people literally and speak your wants and needs? Even when guessers are trying to be considerate, I find they often times make things more complicated, which really bugs me.
I'm from Spain, my family has been pretty direct in some aspects of life but my mother reacted in a very weired way to some questions. It took time to make concious my issues with asking. Over the years I learnt to ask directly but leaving a dor open for a "no". I mean, adding to the request: "If you can't I'll ask somebody else or I'll check other options" I realised that if I make clear they can say no, sometimes people feel more inclined to say yes. And if they want to say no, they know I'll accept it and, in fact, I prefer they to say no and when it's a yes it's an honest one.
Yeah, that's what I've taken to doing too. I'll make a request but assure the person that a "no" is perfectly okay, I am only asking. I'm from the US.
This.
Completely agree. It doesn't hurt to ask, but always leave them room to say no.
I'll say stuff like, when asked if I want something from the store. "I could use a carton of eggs if you feel like it but nbd" or I'd say "I could use some bottled waters but I know it's a lot to carry so nbd if not". Sometimes guesswork saves a lot of stupid communication too, but sometimes people overly anticipate needs/wants. Like hey we're having tacos so I dirtied 55 dishes making little cups of sour cream and pico de gallo etc. to use. Meanwhile I'm gonna only use 1 type of shredded cheese and now we or I have to clean all this up, thanks?
Unfortunately a lot of the time I find that "guessers" when they go to yell about something needing done that is "obvious" it is indeed not only jarring but usually is something they could have done themselves 15 times over in the time they spent noting it being unresolved. Shiit do it yourself save us both a ton of time lazy bones. I know being lazy is a separate thing but that just makes it so much more annoying to spend time hinting about how you wanna get something done that's easily a brief one man job but I digress.
All that said sometimes things really are obvious too like hey you just blocked off the entire hallway with junk and that is a common space that needs traversed so you can't just leave your shit there. Or like hey every dish in the house is dirty and unless you wanna eat cereal off a frisbee with a spatula we need to urgently get the dishes done. Some people really do try upping the squeak in their wheels when asking and getting a resulting no though. It's fucking annoying to have to say no repeatedly, and you can tell with these people when they ask they really do expect a yes. More demand than request. That's also total bullshit of them, like drop what you're doing immediately the main character has arrived and I want the next 2 hours of your life or I'm gonna razz you nonstop into getting my way or have justification somehow to be shitty towards you if you stand your ground!
I think it really is a dichotomy of asking and guessing for everyone in life but I'd have to say asking with clear outs is a lot more useful over time. Overall just be kind like another comment I read said.
I'm definitely more on the guessing side of the spectrum; lived a couple of years with a verbally abusive father that had the entire family walking on eggshells not wanting to poke the bear. Relying on non-verbal ques, previous interaction, and avoidance was a survival tactic.
Sameeee! So i learned to avoid any conflict with anyone… so for example at work if my boss asks me for an extra task… i used to be very worried to say no that they would be angry of me so i used to get anxious and say ues on the expense of my time and mental health
I’m a Polish asker living in the south of UK - verrrrry guess culture. I found you can be an asker if you just use common sense to set the boundaries on what not to ask, also if you do ask directly just use words that set it up to make it very comfortable for the person to say no if they want to.
Dear FrooKat, what a sensible sounding person you are. Blessed be.
I think this is a great approach. For example, the friend in the video asking to stay at their apartment could have added something like, "I realize we don't know each other very well, and I completely understand if you are not comfortable with this. Please don't feel like you have to say yes. I will not be at all offended at all if you say no."
So basically, you are making it clear in all cases that “no” is a perfectly reasonable response. That sounds like a great way to implement ask culture.
So true! Exactly what I believe! I think it is called manners :-) which seems to be a forgotten tool in our social lives. People in our society have instead learned to be rude and think mostly of their own ego. Thanks for sharing!
When your husband is the biggest of your children… he should see the needs of the house and kids if he is an adult. In Norway we call this the third shift. Meaning you go to work, do the housekeeping and then the overall management. It’s a direct cause of burn out in women.
You just helped to improve our 34 year marriage. My husband is an “asker” while I’m a “guesser” and now, by understanding this simple difference, I’ll be able to ask for what I need instead of expecting him to read my mind. Looking forward to putting this into action this week. Thank you so much!!!
Your husband is very lucky. Not everyone is capable of looking at a situation and seeing that they could be doing things differently in a way that would make things better.
Imagen that your husband (or anybody else) was actually capable of reading your mind. I guess you will very quickly feel to lack of personal space and some privacy or maybe you would even feel intruded upon. Luckily nobody can actually read somebodies mind otherwise society would become one of the dystopian type.
If you have children you shouldn't have to ask unless your husband hasn't yet noticed you've given birth.
@@haveaseatplease idk why you keep relating guess culture to “reading someone’s mind” in all your comments like it’s some impossible feat. it’s about _reading the room,_ picking up on nonverbal social cues, not actual mind-reading. if I see someone struggling with something, I’ll jump right in and ask if they need help, I don’t wait for them to ask me for it. I don’t have to read someone’s mind to notice that they’re struggling or might need help. I don’t wait for someone to say “I’m sad, can you help me?” just to put in some effort to cheer them up, I do it automatically if I notice that they’re in a down mood. “guessing” is a misnomer tbh, it’s more about social awareness and emotional intelligence than guesswork.
@@justinwatson1510 hopefully you’re not implying that she was the one in the wrong the whole time. now she would be lucky too if he did the same thing and worked on accomodating her communication style as well - it’s called compromise and growth.
i think asking is more assertive, more authentic, more boundaried. people with boundaries are not threated by assertiveness. i find that more collectivist systems lose their invididual boundaries to the group. Guessing is a boundary violation, reading minds, body language, vocal tone, is overly hypervigilant and not your responsibility. its others responsibility to communicate their limits , wants, and no's
True! I agree. Mind reading is exhausting and in my opinion, it is too much to ask from individuals, especially when we can see clearly in the comments that there are people who have different difficulties and are not able to "guess", it is not fair on them.
Sometimes asking is impolite. As long as you are familiar with proper etiquette and follow the rules, asking is just fine in certain instances.
@@larsonfamilyhouse Etiquette only works when the set of rules (describing the expected behaviour) is thought, discussed, understood and accepted. Imagen being an Japanese person visiting a Greece restaurant. The Japanese person would not understand the commotion the restaurant chef is creating because he/she left a bit of food on the plate (which he/she was thought by the Japanese etiquette.
@@larsonfamilyhouse If you live in a multicultural, diverse society like the US, there is not a set of agreed on set of proper etiquette and rules, so ask culture is the only reasonable option in the real world. We have to recognize that everyone is different and doesn't share our personal experiences, family backgrounds, and social circles norms.
Hmm did you guys watch till the end? I like the way she ended by saying it's not one or the other but marrying the two. Try to be assertive but gentle, not avoidant nor rigid.
It is very hard for me to understand why being direct is looked at as abrasive. Why would people not want to be told a straight answer?? However, I have realized throughout my life that my view on this is not favored, and people actually do want to be told what they want to hear or sugar coated answers. Directness is not the same as rudeness.
guess vs ask cultures seems like a different way to put high vs low context cultures. I agree and disagree with your view, because if you are born in a high context culture, it is obvious to you that you have to read the air and react. Koreans call it “nunchi”. I would not call it lack of directness, rather directness in different places. Meanwhile low-context cultures like the US culture and many European ones revolve more around directly asking. They both have a margin of miscommunication: the high context communicator assumes their listener can read into the situation and respond adequately, while the low-context listener assumes that their role does not extend past that which the communicator says directly. Both systems fail because they would both only be successful if they were universal. I personally try to speak significantly more high-context when communicating with my Korean vs French or Dutch friends. Ultimately being implicit can be completely explicit to those who can read it; e.g. a japanese person looking you dead in the eyes and saying “I will try to come.” means a clear “not coming”, but feels significantly less rude. Just because the communication is not in words does not mean it has to be abstract or unclear, there are many ways to communicate and high-context cultures make use of them to also communicate tone or respect or whatever else without having to explain it all. I find them very direct myself, though they do require a lot more of your attention. But yea, there is no real “more direct” option. What makes communication most direct depends on who is listening
@@nuloom neurodiverse people literally can't see those body clues, or can't intake that much information at one time to be in guess culture. Ask culture is our DNA.
You can still be polite and be direct. Being direct is actually usually MOST polite but it’s good to learn to do it in a soft way rather than abrasive. Brush up on etiquette and it lays it all out specially. There’s an older book called How to be a Lady or something along those lines that is very direct about what to do and say:)
@@larsonfamilyhouse
Who is the author on the book?
@@GreenGorgeousness Lmao, body language and context is our actual dna. Human language was a tool that got invented alongside our culture., it didn't just come as given.
It seems like females in particular are often expected to excel in Guess culture and then later they’re basically told that Ask culture is superior so we’re raised to do this exhausting thing, and then told we need to be doubly exhausted by mastering both ways. I’ve tried to cross over completely to Ask culture over the past decade but it can still be very painful.
As a woman who was never good at Guess culture, I’ve always felt so ostracized for being an Asker instead. Not to mention having combined type ADHD rather than inattentive. Women/girls who are different are really treated like freaks.
Ooh, I like having a label for these different communication styles. As someone on the Autism spectrum, Guess Culture is extremely frustrating for me. It's easy for me to miss someone putting out "feelers" or dropping subtle hints because my brain and communication style are so different from that. And while I don't always miss these cues, if I realize later what was hinted at I feel like I let the other person down by not catching what they were trying to communicate. Or people assume I'm brushing them off or not interested in something they've hinted at when the opposite might be true. I just didn't catch it because it was communicated via my nemesis, Guess Culture T-T
Yeah, great point! I think a lot of people on the autism spectrum would love it if everyone was more clear, direct, and said things with words- not with hints, assumptions, body language, etc.
I hear you! I am on the spectrum and struggle with the same things. My husband is a guesser and there has been a lot of miscommunication and hurt feelings because of our different styles. It took us over a decade to really pinpoint the issue so we now know what to work on and videos like these are really helpful!
omg I am also on the spectrum and I do not enjoy guess culture in Neurotypical world but when i’m around a lot of other autistic people i feel like i love it because my guesses are so often “right” lol!
@@rubyattwood When you are around other autistic people, is this "guessing" a requirement for successful communication or just an optional thing which might give an extra value to communication?
I had to pivot entirely to Ask Culture just to survive as an autistic person. Always being on the lookout for hidden signals was heightening my anxiety and driving me crazy, especially when I was socialized as a woman and expected to just be better at it naturally. I had to just say "no, I refuse to try and play that game I'm always losing" and commit to being direct and honest. It's hard when my manager at work is very much a Guesser and I always have to directly ask him "Are you requesting that I do x, y, z?" but he's learning to be more direct with feedback.
I was mostly a guesser, but a few years ago I moved to a new, big city where I didn't know anyone and I had to "make" new friends(which was really hard). It took me a lot of years but I eventually understood that I have to be more direct with people, and being a gueeser in a situation like this is really not useful. So I started asking, A LOT. I asked everything about anything, not just in social situations but also in my workplace, maybe I tried to compensate for all the years I have been guessing, I dont know. It improved my life significantly, in a lot of situations I asked something and felt really rude for asking it, but the other person didnt think it was rude at all, sometimes it even made me look very confident. I guess I live in an ask culture?
say me where you are living, this place is hell on earth. EVERYONE IS A GUESSER. Except me, of course.
The Argentina/necklace scenario resonated with me - I'm from North America, and consider myself to be more prone to the "guess" culture. However, when I was eating lunch with a co-worker who had just arrived from another country, we briefly discussed his wife's career (she works for a beauty products company, and is sent lots of free samples), I made a comment about how cool I thought that was, and, being a makeup lover myself, asked about the types of products she's sent. He interpreted that as me asking for them, but I just wanted to talk about makeup, lol. It would have never crossed my mind to ask to take them, so I didn't even understand his interpretation at first - definitely an awkward moment.
I’m chinese and this happens a lot. I’ll tell my mom I really like her sweater or something and she will start to take it off her back and give it to me. But I think the best way to approach these misunderstandings is to clarify your intentions. “I really love talking about makeup but *excuse about why you can’t take more makeup products at the time to match their communication style* ” or more directly “i really love talking about makeup and I think it’s really wonderful that your wife gets so many beauty products but I’m not asking for them! I am having a wonderful time talking about your wife’s career with you. Thank you for being so generous and offering.” Also consider in some cultures people offer things not actually intending to give them but because there is a *you have to offer things 3-4 times before someone accepts* way of functioning. Like if my mom offers me the sweater off her back she expects me to say no most of the time. She offers to be polite but accepting everything she offers every time is impolite, but it’s impolite of her as a host/my mom to not offer. So you have to do the culture dance while also being true to your personal needs. Learn to bask in the awkwardness, and genuinely play that culture mismatch and/or foreigner card when you don’t understand what’s happening. It’s not always best to just pretend to understand? It’s a bit of a dance.
@@Ouchiness Ahaha no it was fine, I appreciate the advice but I meant that I was just surprised at the miscommunication itself - that my interest was being interpreted as asking to be given something (It would have never crossed my mind to ask to take her products, that would be super rude and obnoxious, to ask that of a new coworker's spouse). He didn't actually offer me any of the products his wife was sent either, he just started to explain that she needs to keep them for her job (and I didn't understand why he was explaining the process of her work to me initially; once I did, I clarified that I didn't actually want them).
That example really stuck out to me because I often like to compliment people or say complimentary things, so it's a little maddening that those efforts to be personable and easy going could be so misconstrued haha!😂💀
This concept is explained more in depth in the book, "Foreign to Familiar" using the terms hot culture and cold culture. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who travels internationally or has married someone from another culture. It can take the mystery out of why people do what they do.
I agree that the difference in communications style can have an impact, but I don't think it can be used as a justification. As an asker, your husband could try to invest himself more in the functioning of the household by just asking you "can I help you" /"how can I help". If he isnt able to see or guess what needs to be done, he surely is aware of his functioning style and could act with it, instead of letting his partner having the mental load of doing everything + asking. Actually "help" wouldn't even be the right term to use, "participate" would be more accurate and representative of the tasks sharing.
That was a bad example given the cultural housewife context where men are socialised to not have to do any child rearing, or even "house tasks" at all.
Men are also parents and part of the family, so they ought to act like one; just as how you clean up after yourself, although some are never socialised into such basic responsabilty either...
that is boundary setting. If something happens over and over, both have to reunite and talk about it: why it happens, what needs to be changed and what you can expect to change. Those things must be spoken in a clear way. There is no way in hell the best of the helper husbands make a wife happy if he is helping with the things she doesn't want. The talk should be to create a helping culture ASAP. Some people hate to be helped.
That's a really good point.
My wife and I just went through this in therapy (and through a lot of discussion as well)! Wasn’t particularly labeled, but we found that I came from a guessing family culture and she came from an asking family culture. Ironically, I think we flip when we’re in the professional world - but at home I’m definitely a guesser which has caused tons of miscommunication between us, and she’s an asker which has caused tons of emotionally triggered arguments.
One thing to note is that both of us are Chinese Americans. It’s just that my family relied more on social networking and entrepreneurship to make a living, and her family is a family of doctors and scientists.
Thanks for the video! I think this can help a lot of people. It was a huge epiphany for me and my wife to find out that we can have a very similar ethno-cultural background and yet have such sharp, drastic differences in communication culture.
oh gosh, im surprised by how many commenters are/prefer direct-ask culture. i struggle with feeling like i can ask for things (i was raised by a "never invite yourself to anything, never ask for anything when you're the guest!!" type of family) and the concept of not being aware and alert at all times to be able to notice when someone needs something is so foreign. i often feel ambushed when im in any kind of confrontation with an ask-culture person, as it goes against everything i was brought up with. i find myself feeling frustrated with askers too sometimes because, like the example of trying to juggle all the kids while making dinner, i've always found it rude when the other person is just la-di-da sitting there and im clearly struggling. it's made me a passive-aggressive person out of fear of being rude and it's something i've really wanted to work on. im really glad i stumbled across this. i think finding the balance between being an asker and a guesser would solve a lot of resentment i feel/arguments i have. passive aggressiveness has been my biggest character flaw for so long but i could never understand why i was like that in the first place, and i think this is just it! hopefully, i can learn to find that balance between both languages now :)
Ask everything! Seek Clarity! You and I and Everyone else have the right to ask, and we ALL deserve clarity! Don't tippy-toe around any culture! I feel very sad for anyone that feels afraid to ask a question they feel the need to know inside!
I use to be a guesser, still am sensitive and don't like confrontation but my approach with people is definitely more of an asker nowadays. You can say what you're thinking or what you want whilst still taking others feelings in to consideration. I have a family member that's very much a guesser and have on numerous occasions become frustrated with their roundabout way of asking things.
Here's an example: A family member gave me an office chair several years ago. It was now worn out so I replaced it and had it under my carport. They saw it and asked "that's a nice chair, where did you get it from?". We both knew they gave it to me and it wasn't in nice condition anymore. They continued to drop little fibs and hints like this for an hour, it kind of felt like they were trying to make me feel bad. I finally figured out they were trying to ask for the tatty old chair back. They could've just asked upfront and saved everyone time and frustration, there's no need to lie. It's like in a roundabout way they were trying to be polite but achieved the opposite lol
I feel people in guess culture can be passive aggressive, confusing, and actually more hurtful since they can’t be transparent and have a clear conversation by being upfront with their answer. Honestly, I believe Americans are mostly guess culture, Europeans are ask culture. There are times when asking things of a person that are not your business can be rude. So I appreciate when guess culture is manifesting by respecting privacy. But I don’t appreciate guess culture which manifests itself as ghosting, or being evasive, being unclear.
One option (kind of a side note): you could say no, that’s not going to work, but see if you can do something else for her, like give her the names of cool restaurants or help her find deals on event tickets or something. Maybe meet her for lunch on one day? They could avoid having her as a house guest, but could preserve the relationship in another way.
Yes, recommend a great hotel and offer to do lunch. Perfect.
I like that very much.
Very tactful and accomodating while also setting protective boundaries. This is the happy medium! I'm more of a guesser, but that example was even frustrating for me lol
I think anxious & fearful avoidant insecure attachment style also makes you more of a guesser because you were programmed to be hyper attuned to others for survival
No is a complete sentence! Repeat "no". Rudness depends on how many times they ask. Ask and be direct about you needs. No one can read your mind.
Not really. The person still may lack contextual understanding. Is it always a no? Is it just no now? "Or, is it no only to me?" In other words, does the circumstance have anything to do with the answer? Perhaps you've had this experience or have observed this situation with someone else. A child asks xxx, the parent/caregiver says, "no." The child wants to know why. But the only answer is no. Yes, sometimes the child wants to know why, like a little salesperson, merely to better persuade the parent or caregiver to agree. But sometimes it is to understand. Of course it frustrates the child when the request is denied, but it adds insult to injury when the answer (or preponderance of answers) are "no," and no explanation is given.
Exactly. It's not rude to genuinely be asking, but if you ask expecting it to be taken as a request or command, that is rude!
@@mariabarnes9197 umm that totally depends on the familiarity of the person asking to who they are asking. In the example given, it would have been totally valid to just say no, no explanation needed! Why should basically a stranger be entitled to an explanation of my choices and answers? It would be totally rude to inquire further, as it's none of their business! What kind of answer would you expect in a situation like that anyway? If they were honest, it may offend you, or they would make up an excuse as to not offend you, and you would not have actually gained any true clarity, just a sense of pacified entitlement.
There is a fine line between curiosity and nosiness.
Thank you for this talk. My husband is definitely "ask" culture, and I am "guess" culture. My sister says she won't ask anyone to help her, but then plays the martyr when no one offers to help. 😉My sister doesn't ask me to help; she tells me what she expects me to do. I walk away and pretend I didn't notice. Passive-aggressive. 🤔
As a woman with ADHD I’m 100% asking culture.
On the first day of my studies I was told that I should use the chance to ask as many questions as possible and that there do not exist stupid questions, only stupid answers! That’s exactly what I did. Asking questions shows your interest and you learn so much more!
My experience with guessing culture is, that people pretend to care on a surface level but sacrificing honesty and transparency, trying to cheat their way around saying what they REALLY think or feel about sth. For me this kind of behavior is not honoring the other person and is just disrespectful! I always have a hard time with such people, I just can’t read them and often feel like not meeting their expectations but since they don’t give any feedback I just feel bad because I don’t know wether I did sth. right or wrong and have no chance to connect with them and grow.
In my limited point of view guessing culture stays vague most of the time, and has a problem with people pleasing because of low self esteem and assume if they have difficulties being totally honest with other people they seem to struggle with being honest to themselves as well... that doesn’t help anyone and just overcomplicates everything!!!
I think we wouldn’t be like this if it was safe for us to ask growing up.
Leaving things up to chance and in the weeds of vagueness when you want something sounds actively worse.
I am def Ask. I cannot stand what I call Sideways Communication. Like get to the point, I feel like they are trying to manipulate me or sidestep the issue. It's great to know more about why! It's also a huge boundary thing I think. Guessers want you to respect their boundaries but an Asker must guess what they are. Like they are putting the responsibility on the other person, that go along to get along stuff. I always thought clear communication was the goal, so that's how I roll. I honestly do not get it when someone takes that as rude.
Ps. Married me a guesser so I'm learning. He literally cannot ask me for anything without being weird, after 18 yrs. 🤷🏼♀️
I think that the "guess culture" or "guess style" (whatever name for this phenomenon is better) might be trauma related. It seems contagious - I mean from one generation to another.
I would agree. I think it makes sense to think of the asker/guesser types as negotiation styles. People end up in the habit of tending towards one or the other.
Asking (seeking an advantage by use of blunt clarity and, however unintentionally, wrong-footing the expectations of others) would obviously inflame hostility. Guessing (deploying social obligation and favours) is probably more appropriate for someone who’s grown up dealing with hostility or abuse. In that kind of environment, one needs to be atuned to the subtle cues of others and to seek diplomatic solutions.
@@Angus95
There's no real question that guess culture is trauma related. If you are in a position where someone with power over you punishes you for seeking clarity and trying to negotiate fair boundaries, you learn that the safe strategy is to assume generous boundaries for them. If you can't isolate your response to that relationship, then it becomes pervasive and you will tend to do the same to others.
For people far enough from the original trauma it can be minor/diluted and not to big a problem, but it's definitely a toxic adaptation to a toxic/traumatic environment.
I think it’s also important to consider neurotype in these situations as a lot of the “guesser” communication is difficult or incoherent to neurodivergent folks. I do think we should stray away from interpreting requests as rude demands. Im not saying they can’t be rude it just seems like options are so limited that way. Im not saying throw out nonverbal communication or being considerate I just think some of the “asker” communication promotes better boundaries and understanding as a whole (kind of like assertive communication styles.
And on the flip side we should stop considering "no" as rude.
I think it's funny you say that. As i am a neurodivergent person who is very much a guesser. Because i've tried to memorize all the social rules. even to the point of choreographing the way I move for certain situations. haha.
@@aderyn7600 That's called masking. Great if you can keep it up. Not great at all when you rely on it and then life happens, demands increase and suddenly you burn out and masking is not an option anymore and people are stunned to meet the real you.
It doesn't work to some degree, unless everyone decides to stop passive agresiviness and sarcasm, etc there will always be a degree of "guesser" culture, which is totally natural.
Social cues, body language etc are an ingrained part of communication across all animal species and at best you can get some people to accommodate those who aren't capable of accessing those areas.
He is not “helping” you. These are his children.
I’ve learned to be direct and accept that its not my problem if people don’t Like my answer. It’s called ‘boundaries’ which my therapist helped me understand and incorporate in my life after most of my life trying to help, fix, diffuse, etc.
I like to be asked ~ because anything less is unclear and I may not even be aware.
To make things even more confusing, some guessers may say “just let me know if…” out of politeness and then get super offended when askers actually ask…Guessers be like “I’m just trying to be polite, what’s ur problem?” Lol
So guess culture people expects people to read your mind. This is so ridiculous.
That is so rude on the guessers’ side, it’s also fake and boarding on lying. But askers are the only ones called rude in this video.
This an example of how guess culture is much more dishonest. Some of the guess responses to the guest example in the video were straight up lies. How is that supposed to better than direct?
My family of origin was super "guess culture", and my life changed so much for the better when I was introduced to "ask culture"! I'm so glad there is a term for this now! Having words to explain this phenomenon makes all the difference. Thank you!
"Clear is Kind" - Brené Brown
I'm generally an asker when communicating, but a guesser when observing. I have many times observed a work-friend's expression and immediately guessed that something was wrong. So, I would approach her privately and ask quietly, "Is everything alright?" Sometimes she would tell me it wasn't and we'd talk. Sometimes she'd tell me it was, when I could tell it wasn't. And in those times, I'd just tell her, "Well let me know if there's anything I can do." Observe...and ask.
When I want to ask a question that may lead to an interesting conversation...or cause discomfort. I ALWAYS include an out in my question. "I hope you don't mine me asking, I was just wondering about the procedure you had. But if you'd rather not talk about it, that's alright." It's easier to say that you don't want to talk about something when the other person has already recognized that this may be uncomfortable to talk about. I observe the situation AND I ask. Most of the time, people want to talk about it. If they don't want to talk about it and they don't know how to say they don't even after I offered an out, NOTICE their hesitation. And say, "That's alright, I was just curious. We don't have to talk about it."
Observe...and ask.
More videos with examples of this please! This nails the assertiveness and passive-aggressive concept in a way Never seen before. Watched someone call and say they wanted to go to a game yet they had no ride and on and on and on. When she hung up she was furious because the person didn't offer to help her. I listened to her and had no idea she was wanting the person to pick her up and wondered why she didn't simply ask. Our minds are on a million different things so you never know and a simple ask makes it easy. The ask based on personal information is harder. Love this! ❤💚💜💙💛🧡🦋
If you never directly ask then you never have to risk rejection ... Just some insight into guess culture/ insecurity et. al.
You won't be considered presumptious or rude unless the people are guessers. Other askers appreciate being asked directly and told directly. I always say that guessers can ask directly but askers can't learn to guess accurately because situations and people change. I think the extreme side of asking is being agressive but I find many guessers come across as passive-aggressive. The hints are usually loaded with subtext. "Oooh my back is so sore today and I really wanted to get that lawn mowed. *deep sigh*". Ask if I'm free to mow the lawn. If I'm free I'll say yes. If not then I'll say no. Guessing doesn't work because offering to mow the lawn could be met with hostility. "Stop trying to fix things all the time. I was just saying my back hurts! Why can't you just be sympathetic. I was hinting that I wanted you to go and fetch my painkillers".
So yeah, guessing is just that. Who knows what the hints mean from one situation to the next. It's all in code and great if you have the codebook but it sucks if you don't. If you guess wrong then you did bad. If you ask, you might offend their fragile ego but you'll know what they want and you were likely to get it wrong anyway if you guessed. Ask politely and bear in mind how the ask comes across and you can't go far wrong.
You have a good point. Very logical.
Exactly, I'm not a mind reader.
I used to think I was "intuitive" and "sensitive". I wasn't; I was just a guesser. lol
I’m autistic and grew up in guess culture. I was constantly getting things wrong, coming off as rude or having my feelings hurt. Ask culture is the only way I know how to function and I have to tell people that all the time and guessers still hate the way I ask/respond.
I’m autistic too and I really get what you’re saying! I’ve had to learn that the best way for me to subtly communicate my confusedness is through the sentence “could you please clarify?”. I use this on the daily and it has helped me sooo many times with avoiding misunderstandings.
It really helps when dealing with different POV! (For example, Autistic and Neurotypical.) Better not to assume anything (and leave it unsaid) when involved in an important discussion.
This seems like a manifestation of assertiveness vs passivity.
I don't think so because imho the askers are a lot more passive regarding the context of the interaction. A guesser has to be more involved and receptive to make hypothesis. Waiting for someone to ask you to do something seems really passive to me instead. But also depends on what kind of relationship we are talking about. As a non-assertive person I prefer to have clear expectations by others about my tasks in the work place. But in a personal relationship, if it's long enough, I suppose the other person would be know what I need in a situation.
@@ThelPic I see what you're saying, and I've lived this way more than not but now I think that being more involved to make a hypothesis is not the wisest investment of one's energy. Asking is faster, you can actually find out the answer, and is respectful of the other's agency by giving a chance to speak their desires. I can see that you can't go full ask about everything like some kind of stranger or concierge, so definitely operating in the middle is best, like you said, depending on the relationship.
I appreciate having words for this. I have always referred to it as "direct" vs. "indirect" communication and have experienced the in-between of it often. My family is more "ask culture" oriented, so I am comfortable asking for things directly and people turning me down, but I am naturally pretty proactive with accommodating people and lived in Japan for a while and sort of assume everyone comes from "guess culture" unless I know them personally. I have always been aware of that divide but not conscious of it, so it's cool to have more formal language for it.
This is very interesting and something I've never thought about before. I'm definitely further along the Guess Culture spectrum, but a long-time significant other is definitely part of the Ask Culture, and this has caused many arguments over the years. Going to try apply this knowledge to adapt my real life scenario...
You assume, as you say, guessers are more sensitive and more often women are guessers and men askers. I'm actually a highly sensitive person and know several people in my environment who are not particularly sensitive or considerate regarding how they make others feel or how they get affected by others yet the way they communicate is what you've described as guess culture. And being for direct communication does not mean asking in the face of rudeness or possible hurting. E.g. whenever communication is needed I prefer it to be direct yet I would never ask personal or intimate questions or questions about a sensitive topic to someone if there is a chance the person would not want to share or the question might bring hurt. In my experience guess culture always leads to misunderstandings and unnecessary tension or conflict as a result sooner or later.
It’s kind of funny to me that asking questions can make you come off as being presumptuous to some people when people are making a lot of assumptions by guessing like they do. I think guessing makes more sense when you know someone or something enough to notice a pattern, and it can be useful to save time. But guessing when you don’t know and have to jump to conclusions about someone doesn’t make sense to me and seems like it could be pretty harmful. I’m not saying asking is always best or appropriate, but I don’t understand guess culture and having to communicate with a guesser can honestly be very annoying since it can be very difficult to be clear and you almost have to guess at what they might be guessing…I’m not trying to be rude here, but I don’t understand.
Exactly my sentiment.
Asking is fine and a must in many situations, especially in workplace relationships. I appreciate direct prople but there are limits to everything. Take the example of the woman in the video. She invited herself over and got rejected, will she accept the "no" or will she begin prying in the private life of that couple expecting an explanation? After all, she's just asking, she wants to understand. Unfortunately, many askers would keep on askin not to understand but to convince you to change your mind because they want something from you. If this doesn't work, they get upset with you. Guessing or reading a person is also necessary to understand their boundaries. After all, over 90% of communication is nonverbal. We can't rely on words all the time.
American with a japanese grandmother. Communication is hard.
Asking questions is only presumptuous because guessers presume, so they presume that you (the asker) are presuming too. And somehow that's the asker's fault. Guessing is built on assuming and dishonesty, while asking is built on directness and honesty, which are generally considered to be hallmarks of effective communication.
@@anzelaiv as an asker, I have to disagree that most askers will continue their request after a "no" answer. The more typical response is "OK! No problem! Thanks for considering it." You're expressing one of those incorrect "presumptions" that is so typical of guessers.
Not to take away from the conversation but I love the illustrations 😃😃, this is very interesting to me because as someone who's more of the guessing type, I have been challenging myself more to ask despite how discomforting it is and sometimes often puts you at odds with people. You'd be surprised how people go along with things because they're too afraid to ask questions, and similarly when you ask questions, you're often not met with upfront desire to respond openly, it's more of like 'how dare you ask?' or 'why are you asking these questions and everyone else is onboard?'
I think most people might be mixed types, depending on the situation, relationship and topic. For example, I consider myself more of an asker, I generally prefer direct and clear communication. But on the other side, I would expect my partner to help me when he sees that I am struggling with something, RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. Or if a guest stays longer than expected and we would like to go to bed soon, I would experience myself as rude to outright ask them to leave. So I'd maybe yawn and say, that I still have to prepare something for an early appointment in the morning or would simply point out how late it had gotten. But if those guests earlier that night had asked me if I had lets say mint tea, I would've never felt like they're expecting me to get it for them and I would've said, no sorry, we're out of that but how about some mixed herbal tea?
the story with your husband being 98% ask culture and you being from guess culture is so very relatable, so many years lost in frustration, thank you a lot for your very helpful videos ♥
I think I lean more on the "Asker" side of things. I have definitely been accused of being too bold or brash but I appreciate people who are direct with me. I don't like when people beat around the bush. If there is something to say, say it to my face. Then and only then, can I adjust and do something with that information to bring about change. But if people aren't direct and I cant read their minds, how am I supposed to help at all? Then they're disgruntled and upset and I don't know why. It's hard working with guessers!
This was really good. It helped me understand how each communication style (that i didn't have a name for before this video) is and how to adjust & understand. Thank you for explaining these to us 🙂
Glad it was helpful!
Would love to see more videos about communication skills ❤️
I love this conversation. My brother and I are disabled, raised to be askers, raised to make sure we ask for what we need. But our mom is a guesser, which in the end has made our communication and relationships very frustrating at times. We would love for her to be as direct as she raised us her children to be. I think I disagree with the husband example. That sounds like an example of a man who's been ingrained with all of your examples being women's work. He thinks his job is to sit on the couch and be waited on. Not sure if a good partner should have to be asked.
You may be more in tune with guess culture than you realize. I'm very much an asker, and I have been in many situations like the table example. I did not help many of those times. I figured that if they wanted help, then they would ask for it. Since they aren't asking, then there must be a reason and I don't don't want to interfere with that. If it was clear that they could use some help, I would ask, but I would always be open to them saying no. I would NEVER assume that they were waiting for me to jump in, and I wouldn't just start helping without asking, because if they didn't want me to help for whatever reason, then helping would actually have been the mistake.
I have been in cultures where if a male person stepped in, it would be perceived as an invasion of the domestic space. Very traditional gender roles are often reinforced by people on both sides.
@@thebroken0wastaken I've also known a lot of guessers who would LIKE others to help or at LEAST volunteer. They believe the other person should KNOW to jump in without being asked. Which is why my childhood was frustrating. My mom would never ask, she thought we should KNOW to do whatever the thing was. "You didn't offer to help!" "Well, you didn't ASK!" "You should KNOW!" "You didn't SAY anything!" "I shouldn't have to!" - around and around. And that is what I have seen in a lot of couples, where one partner is doing all the child care and housework and the other is sitting, watching tv (or playing video games). One person, usually the woman, is doing all of the emotional work. Yes, I AM referring to 'traditional' gender roles issues. Especially if both work, both should be doing the housework, child care, etc.
@@janicewallace3728 Absolutely agree. I'm a big proponent of pre-problem communication. Had they had a discussion about their expectations and needs regarding such situations, then it never would have escalated to the point of anger and disappointment. Bearing that both parties lived up to those expectations they agreed on, of course
The man who sits is one who leaves all the mental responsibility of household management upon the shoulders of his wife.
He isn't man-enough to stand up to do any work he hasn't been assigned.
LADIES! Time to set up those wall-charts and invest in gold stickers for that child of your mother-in-law.
She probably wants to iron his shirts, so be sure to have on his chart for him to drop his laundry off at her house on wash day.
I'm autistic so I definitely fall into the ask culture. I have learned it's not my responsibility how other people feel about direct questions. I have bent over backwards for guessers throughout my life and it destroyed me.they need to learn that communication is a two way street. I live in a guess dominant culture it is a nightmare and in many ways downright abusive toward people who are direct
So helpful…I have learned over 76 years if I ask for what I need or want I will more likely get it. It is harder to listen smarter when others are asking for something. Thank you.
Love it. You put a name on a struggle I had all my life (me from guess culture, of course), and a way to put the issue in a perspective and resolve in my mind any conflicts with people of ask culture. Love your story about you and your husband, I'm sure you put a smile on millions of people like me.
I like ask cultural norms; it’s an essential set of understandings for me due to the experiences that I have lived.
Guesser’s often come off as crazy people from my perspective.
"resent the agony of saying no" > this is so relatable to me
Wow - I’m a psychologist in Sacramento and I love your content. What an awesome way of talking and thinking about assertiveness/communication! Thank you for your work.
This is called direct vs. indirect communication, and it has been extensively studied, e.g. see Hofstaedter. Not sure why you think nobody's talking about it.
But your husband isn't a guest in your home. It's not your role to ask him to "help" - he's equally responsible for your dinner and your kids (assuming they are also his kids).
Maybe is Hofstede?
@@ThelPic Yes, of course. Thanks. Hofstadter was Gödel,Escher,Bach.
I grew up a guesser and became an asker- Some of my favorite relationships I've lost because I've refused to play a degree of the guessing game. I'm still proud of myself for making those sacrifices to live an honest and more streamlined way of communicating. I think that the asking style wins out as I have trained myself to tolerate distress. I get more done with people who work that way, too. The guessers in my life I set boundaries with and spend time with them at the rate they are willing to communicate in my language. I don't see this as selfish, I see this as a way for me to filter through the masses of people I would love to connect with. When it comes to dating, this is especially true.
This is blowing my mind. The concept of ask culture / guess culture is one that is new to me, but which makes so much sense. It feels related to love languages …and also to the idea of listening boundaries / speaking boundaries. Thank you so much for making this video.
I am used to both, but my nature is to be a guesser. I have spent an amount of time in Asian cultures and lived my life in a melting pot country during the good times. I can't be a good guesser if I don't know you very well, and I think being a guesser in relationships is a good way to make them bad.
This is very interesting! I've never thought of this before, but it is very clear how these two groups have a lot of miscommunications.
I feel like many more women are part of guess culture, and men ask culture.
Thank you - this explained the difference between my husband and I perfectly. "Avoid discomfort at the cost of clarity" just describes his perspective so well. I'm always happy to live with the discomfort and it does lead to clashes. I think he should change and he thinks I'm blunt and bossy. I've struggled with that perception of me for my whole life but it's just who I am.
I showed my teens this video for our FHE. My 19 and 13 year olds found it mind blowing!
Thank you so much- it's helped me in not getting upset when business clients ask for discounts, since I understand it's a communication culture thing.
My ex: "why didn't you do x, y, z??"
I: "If you want me to do something please ask"
My ex: "I shouldn't have to ask!!"
yep!
This is a common battle theme in couples. ☹️ In my opinion, the problem is more complex than communication differences. Yes, communication differences play a part in the conflict but if it’s a whole romantic relationship breakup, then there is usually bigger core issues involved.
@@TherapyinaNutshell My observations have been that a man who sits while his woman schlogs is leaving the management of the household entirely upon her shoulders.
Wow I learned that I’m a guesser, it gets me in trouble often whenever I’m hoping someone will get my hints. It is totally me trying to avoid discomfort.
I will definitely be more aware and learn the ask language better
I grew up in a guess culture but am “ask” by nature; feelings vs logic. It can be tricky if you don’t want to hurt feelings but ask is the way to go.
This is such a great topic! I've never heard of this before!!! I must definantly be Guess culture because when anyone even so much as comments on certain things to me, I stress out and put all my other tasks on hold until I can get it for them! It's exhausting!
I’m ask culture for CERTAIN! I often get this from people when I ask the questions no one else will. However, everyone knows they can rely on me to be clear and never hide my views. Ask culture is far better! Guess culture is a social mess😆
I grew up in a “guess culture” household, and it was likely the root cause of so much tension, resentment, and unreconciled feelings or conflicts in our family (including extended family). It is a very toxic state, and I had to consciously break out of it to have a relationship with good communication. It is not something to be impressed by or respected, because in order not to make people feel uncomfortable, a guesser will unintentionally torture the person before just coming out with their feelings or thoughts. It’s an “oppressed” cultural habit, likely with very old roots in keeping people in their place due to their social status or sex. It’s not even communication. It’s really a lack of communication. Ugh
I had a close friendship for several years with not only a guesser but an avoider and I don't rock the boat kind of person. She drove me kind of crazy cuz she would complain about things and then I would say well why don't you just tell them? And she said I could never! 🙄
I also had a neighbor who was very confrontational but also avoidant. When I was the only homeowner on the HOA, she would walk past the house of the person she was complaining about to come clear to the other side of the development to knock on my door and complain about the guy's dog barking. Finally, I had just had it! I said the guy lives two doors away from you in the next building. Go to that guy's door and tell him. And she never did. But at least she stopped complaining to me about it. LOL
What blew my mind the most...”sensitive is not bad or good.. it’s just a trait.”
This is amazing and explains why there is so much miscommunication in the world with everyone saying and perceiving everything so differently.
Me in the passenger seat of anyone's car ever: *enjoys temperature, but doesn't want cold air directly on me. Gently, casually, turns air vent away to create perfect climate*
Every single driver known on planet earth:
"ARE YOU COLD. YOU CAN ADJUST THE TEMPERATURE IF YOU WANT" *turns air down/turns up heat, messing up the perfect system*
Lmao whhhyyyy
another great example!
I know!! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat there and let it blow on me because I didn’t want them to feel they needed to fix something that wasn’t broken. lol
I wonder how many "narcissist" dynamics are ask culture people assuming guess culture people will advocate for themselves while the guess culture person assumes they'd know better.
Thank you for bridging the divide between these two cultures!
This has shed new light on a situation that previously seemed intractable. I have no idea how to express just how very helpful your video has been.
I'm so glad that I bumped into this channel and this particular video! I didn't know it was a thing but it always bothered me. I'm asker 99% of a time and 1% goes to some really obvious and logical things that I can't even imagine someone would ask (even though some do while leaving me speechless 😂). It always seemed natural to me to ask since I've always been opened about everything and expected others to be too but it often led to awkward situations. Only recently I've found out to be autistic/adhd and it made even more sense for me being asker but then I started questioning myself if some other things were obvious to others and if I left them speechless by asking.
I found this helpful, as I have four children and they are a blend of both these styles, and this was a aha moment, and instead of me assuming the kids should or would help me, If I ask, then it would probably help, instead of me taking it personally and get upset with them. Thank you
I loved that you categorized “when” each type is best: be honest & direct more with close relationships and more indirect with acquaintances.
This was honestly very eye opening for me. I'm a guesser to a T and this explains why social situations are so uncomfortable. I've just been misunderstanding all the askers in my life haha
Looove this video, so insightful. I have learned that I have a very strong preference for Ask Culture.
Guess culture drives me nuts. The problem is it tends to lead to passive aggression and wrong guesses. ( i grew up in a household that favors guess culture) My future significant other has to be like me in this regard. 🤣 it's too frustrating otherwise.
Yeah, I am getting less and less comfortable with guess culture as I grow up, learn and become more confident, and I don't like passive aggression, but I also can see some of the benefits of being able to read and intuitively understand something without having to be told something...I can see both sides of it.
This puts previous misunderstandings I've had in a whole new light. To me it depends on how you ask. I've known people to ask for things in a way that it's difficult to say no without feeling guilty. They don't always take 'no' well for an answer, so it's really more of an order dressed up as a question to sound more polite. Sometimes they test for possible answers first, like checking if you're busy before asking. It's hard to say no if you previously said you weren't busy. It's made me wary of people asking me things in case they're trapping me into an awkward situation. On the other hand when I ask for something I always follow up with, 'it's ok if you can't do this.' I think I'd prefer things to be more direct, but I've learnt to be cautious.
Agree with you, it really depends on how they ask or how well they take no for an answer. We can't control that though, all we can do is set our own boundaries and teach people not to cross them. I had a situation when a friend went absolutely nuts because I refused to talk about my love life with her after she shared her story. The problem was that she needed to talk and I was happy to listen and support but it didn't mean that I was ready or willing to talk about my own situation. She made it seem like I owe her this conversation. Needless to say, I stay away from this person now.
@@anzelaiv I think it's important in a relationship to be able to say no, and to know you can safely disagree on things and still stay friends. I've had to learn how to set boundaries when that's not been the case. They don't always make correct assumptions when asking things of you and feeling pressured into something when you're not comfortable with it just doesn't feel great. It can ruin a friendship.
This is so insightful! I’ve been living in Japan for 25 years and I’ve straddled the line between raised as an Ask and adapting to a predominantly Guess based culture. So fascinating! Thank you for this.
Beautifully put! Your videos are helping my life so much! I am definitely from a “guess” family and my husband is from a hard-core “ask” family.
My connection with my husband has wavered sometimes because I take it personally how direct he is towards me, as if he’s not taking my feelings into consideration or things that I consider to be obvious.
Thank you for the clarity you’re so inspiring!
Your husband being an Ask guy: He may have also been brought up in an environment, like me, where if you stepped into help a woman, it was viewed as anti-feminist in that a man should NEVER assume a woman needs helps and SHOULD assume if she needs help she is smart enough to ask for it. I Grew up in the 70s/80s and several of my friends with "hippy" mom's scolded me for helping them without being asked.
Getting to college, I also had several male friends who said they experienced the similar 'scolding' and several female friends, all of whom I would deem "hippies" whom treated me with the exact same scolding in the form of "I CAN DO IT MYSELF!!!", 'Like I need a man to help me with this, go away!' and similar states.
In my mental injury journey, I often see articles on the nightmare mothers/woman who neglect/abuse/etc their sons/young men as they are suffering from serious issues like narcassism or bi-polar disorders, however I rarely see mention of the impacts of the uber-feminism of the period oft he 1960s and through the 1990s which, from my own and others experiences, involved the above "scoldings" directed at men just trying to be kind to a person they viewed as in trouble or at the very least was just trying to be kind as they would to any other person, yet as perhaps part to the feminist movement, were confronted with negativity in their view and thus modified what would even today be viewed as a positive human trait of wanting to help someone.
Please note, when these scolding occurred they rarely were without the words being delivered in a stern and angry voice and accompanied by equally an angry face and even at times violent, non-contact gestures like shooing or slamming of hand on a surface.
It could be I just had the misfortune of having friends with very unstable mothers, but then again so did countless other men at my college and through my life.
As far as the example here, this is not a case of "helping a woman." (They're his kids, too. And looking after them is not all on her.) That said, I do understand what you're saying. I still remember with gratitude the businessman in London who saw me struggling with my enormous suitcase up a staircase in the Tube, and simply lifted it to the top of the steps and walked on without saying a word or waiting to be thanked, like, that's just what you do. And I thought, this would never have happened back in the US, for the reasons you state. And that's too bad.
now lemme ask you.. that “helping culture,” were you raised to only help women or were you raised to help everyone? I for example help everyone, hold open doors for men and women alike, and I’ve never been ostracized for it by anyone. instead of seeing a man presumptuously trying to help out “a poor woman in need,” everyone just sees me as an overall helpful person to everyone.
Sounds like guessers can't enforce their own boundaries and expect others to do it for them.
I read the Facebook post years ago and always wondered why this isn't a big thing in all of the communication trainings and therapy. It's the first video I see about it and I will totally send it to all of the people!
Thank you for this video. It really helps some people i know that work in HR. They sometimes will have difficulty handling inner department "communication conflict", but wasn't able to put their finger on the exact problem until I shared your video with them.
Once again, thank you.