A Therapist and Her Husband Chose To Be Childfree. Here's Why feat. Vanessa and Xander Marin
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 11 сен 2024
- Are you curious why Vanessa and Xander, a happily married couple, chose not to have children? Find out by joining therapist Vanessa and her husband Xander as they share their personal story about why they chose to remain childfree. Tune in to learn more about their unconventional decision and how it has impacted their lives!
Follow Vanessa and Xander Marin
sextalksbook.com/
vmtherapy.com/
HelloFresh
Go to HelloFresh.com/... and use code loversfree for FREE breakfast for life!
StoryWorth
Go to StoryWorth.com/... and save $10 on your first purchase!
Zoc Doc
Go to Zocdoc.com/LOVERS and download the Zocdoc app for FREE
Follow Shan
/ shanboodram
tiktok.com/shan...
Tags
No Kids, Childfree, a life without kids, married with no children by choice
I related to this couple so much. My husband and I decided early on that we didn't want to have kids. We've been together 33 years now and have never for a moment regretted our decision. We love our life together just as it is.
This is great. My wife and I have been together 18 years, and we are now 47 and don't regret anything. We had an unplanned pregnancy when we were 39, which really seemed like a "last chance", so there was some uncertainty then. But we decided to stay childfree and it was definitely the right choice in hindsight.
The fact that a couple’s basic personal choices are considered radical tells us how much people concern themselves with others’ business when they shouldn’t.
“Grief doesn’t mean you’re making the wrong decision” was powerful to hear. That’s imprinted in my brain now, never thought of it that way, this can be applied in so many different areas and relationships in life
yes!!! so glad other people can relate! we can absolutely grieve the traditional life everyone is living and still be making the proper decisions for ourselves. everyone wants to be "relatable" and its tough when certain things remind you that your experience is different, but thats ok
I have an aunt and uncle that have been married for 25+ years, they never had kids but they live together in their house in Paris and they are happy and in love! I think their relationship is beautiful
Having a child is a big decision. If only more people gave it the thought that it needs (within a healthy relationship). People can and should choose what's best for them/him/her.
Agreed.
I love Xander's comment about how difficult it is to separate the "want" from "the shoulds." The familial and societal pressure definitely rings true in my life. Even though my partner and I are decisively childfree (vasectomy and all), we are not "out" to our families. That's something that might be happening over the holidays. WIsh us luck!
good luck! you know what to expect but you also know whats best for yalls situation
Good luck. ❤
It's crazy that society bashes childfree people to the point you guys feel you have to "come out" to your family as child free, the way people have to come out of the closet about being gay is WILD!
Congratulations on getting your masters!!!🥳
It’d be cool to have an episode based on your education journey or telling us what it’s like to study sex and relationships.
Yes!!
LOVE 👏👏 So many woman don't even realise the freedom of being Child-Free 🎉 Being a mother or not being a mother is a choice and we deserve to be happy and not tied down by children 🩷
This was such a mature and important conversation. Funny enough, a week ago in South Africa there was a lady who did a Tik Tok video about how she doesn't like being a mother and she was never prepared for what it would entail. That video trended and there were mixed interpretations, some people saying she hates her kids, others (mostly mothers) understanding exactly what she meant about how hard and consuming and sacrificial motherhood is. And you never really know to what extent until you experience it. I applaud this couple for recognising that they may not be able to deal with EVERYTHING that comes with having children. That's very mature of them. The part about grieving the decision they made was interesting to me but it made me realise that life is actually lived in the grey area, not the black and white. It's okay to know what you don't want and make a decision about it but still be in your feelings a little about that decision. Really loved this conversation.
South Africans aren't open yet to the idea that someone would want to be child free by choice. Some millennials and the new generation try to bring awareness but the general consensus still seems to be it's a thing everyone must do. I'm 23 ,gen z and I've had conversations about this with my peers and they can't give you a compeling reason of why they actually want to have a child besides "why wouldn't I".
Some reasons are legacy, extending your family name, religion; but most people don't know why they want children as you rightly say. I'm glad that some people are at least questioning the why of it all because having children is a huge responsibility and the decision shouldn't be taken lightly @@blessedtshabuse3593
I truly appreciate Shan’s honesty. It’s really refreshing.
Personally, the media always put it in my head that marriage and kids had to happen. Going through the pandemic, i realized what i actually wanted from life and those things didn’t make the list. It’s still a thought, but like the guests said, the desire is not there.
I'm a 46 year old child free woman and I love working with kids.
Growing up and into my early 20s, I was so set on having kids. The last couple years I’ve started to question it and feel the way they described (not against having kids, but just don’t have that desire either). It’s nice seeing others be so open and honest
As for the statement "all animals reproduce, it's necessary": 99% of female bees never reproduce.
Most female bees therefore do not have the task of reproducing, they have other obligations. I believe that its the same for humans. Not everyone is made for having children
OMG TWICE NOW I'VE TRIED TO WRITE A COMMENT, BUT THESE ADS ARE BUGGIN' 😩😩😩 Deleted the whole comment.....😒
But I meant to say love your comment.❤
People's are so quick to say some people shouldn't have had kids when it comes to neglect & abuse.
But low and behold you declare yourself to be proudly childfree. Those same people will now try to convince you you are either unsure, or you are wrong.🙃
we not bees and their life span is very short lol
Queen does
@@leiladashathe population recently hit 8 billion. how important is it really for EVERY single person to reproduce? the planet could stand less humans, definitely. every single person doesnt need to "be fruitful and multiply"
Congratulations on completing your Masters, Shan!!
I get very emotional watching this episode. Because I really appreciated the “percentage” perspective and not seeing everything in absolutes. Also, I am 23 never been in a relationship and struggle a lot with the “I don’t want to…” of relationship, having children, getting married and other societal aspects. This is also brings allot of confusion in me because I lack the desire to fully have those like the people around me. I really like to prioritize me and working on my career. The thoughts I have for children are almost the same as having a partner. Now I can bring the acknowledgment that my percentage for having a partner is higher (than having children) and this is more from a biological stand point rather than emotional because I have such fulfilling family, friendship and even work relationships.
There are also more reasons why I have these thoughts. For example, young age, my race, career focused, lack of dating opportunities, high standards, my intellectual capabilities, understanding nature of life, traveling opportunities, etc. Therefore, these bring up the more confusion.
Nonetheless, I really appreciated this episode. ❤❤
They’re are so refreshing and so honest. They really outshined here it sucks because they would be phenomenal parents and raise amazing kids. But bravo, Shan and the rest of us were left speechless
As a childfree person, I've had the opposite experience where ppl assume I really like kids but just couldn't have any. But I really really don't like children! I do not care for spending time with or around children. I am an only child who didn't like kids when I was a kid. So I'm NO I'm not your favorite auntie type!
I won’t lie, I find that I have to internally check myself when I listen to the reasons for people not wanting children, specifically one reason due to it being an evil world. Idk, I personally feel like there doesn’t need to be a reason or deep explanation though. If you don’t have the innate desire to have kids, that’s OK too.
Also, having kids with the thought of having someone to take care of you may be considered weird in the West, but it’s a cultural norm in many other communities, so I think we also need to have cultural awareness when having these conversations.
Thank you som much for this video!!! it was probably one of the best and most mature conversations I have heard on living a child-free life. For someone that is struggling with the thought "what if I will regret not having kids", it was so nice to hear a person with 2 kids say "I would have been fine without." I'm running out of time and I still don't want kids.
Agree with Shawn...There is absolute grief of the life we would have had without kids. The 1st years of motherhood were extremely hard and you tend to lose yourself in it. Thanks for this honest conversation ❤❤
Loved that you provided such a safe space for this conversation ❤ when he said the people pleasing aspect of having children, that spoke so true to me , thank you for sharing
This outfit and color combo looks AWESOME on Shan😍😍😍
There is something about Vanessa and Xander's dynamic that scares me about myself. Every question asked, Vanessa answers first. She's matter of fact and self-assured about her opinions, feelings and views and doesn't look to Xander for agreement or leadership. I carry this "masculine energy" and can suppress it in romantic relationships because I assume this undermines or attacks my partner's ego and masculinity. Seeing their dynamic is the first sighting of this energy in a healthy dynamic.
Vanessa is the main authority of the duo bc of her sex therapy background, her husbands role in the biz is to be the sort of lay men pov or questions for their audience. It’s a cool contrast cause he’s just a “normal dude” and she’s the expert
It saddens me to see that you consider being "matter of fact, self-assured about your opinions", and not looking to your male partner for "agreement or leadership" male energy! Why would a male partner treat you this way? Also, this view of their dynamic in this particular setting, ignores her accomplishments and reduces it simply to the woman always needing to defer to a man. 😔
I love Vanessa and Xander! I actually just bought Sex Talks a few weeks ago and am a regular listener of their podcast. I'm so glad they're getting more exposure. Please feature them again!
I really resonate with what Vanessa had to say about never really seeing children in her life. When I was young, I didn’t really like kids because how needy they were. When I would envision a future for myself, intuitively, there were never any kids in it. As I am 34 years old today, Child free, this conversation made me realize that maybe I’m leaning towards not having children now. I would love to be a Godmommy though, so I can still have somewhat of that experience. 😊 currently I enjoy kids and have cared for them so I have experienced what it actually means to take care of a child almost on a daily basis. But I’m still not convinced that it’s for me, though.😅
you go girl
Beautiful conversation, as always
ONLY CORRECT RESPONSE TO "We're not going to have kids :)"
IS CONGRATULATIONS
Ugh ❤ I swear Mal needs a deal with calm app because baby that voice is like butter!
I AM CHILD FREE FOREVER. I NEVER WANTED CHILDREN. IN 2023 ALL CHILDREN DESERVE FAR MORE THAN THIS EVIL WORLD HAS TO OFFER...BEST WISHES TO YOU ALL!
Why are you yelling lol jk
@@ebonyqueen86 I PREFER CAPS FOR BREVITY. THEY PRECEDE BS DWEEB NETIQUETTE. BE LESS FRAGILE AND TRIGGERED ASAP
@@ebonyqueen86 YOU WILL NEVER BE MY NET KKKOP. WHERE IS YOUR CHANNEL MF???
This evil world didn't stop your parents from having you. People shouldn't live in fear my dear.
@@icycici6191 I WAS BORN IN 1963. THIS WORLD IS 1963 TIMES WORSE NOW. AND I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THEIR DECISION. FYI
I've just finished reading this book 📚! Amazing attention to detail on how conversations with your partner about sex can lead into even greater sex 😊
I visited Turks and Caikos and the mosquitoes 🦟 there are on a different level!
As of right now in my life; I've made the decision to not have children. I don't know if I actually ever truly wanted children or if was just a societal expectation placed on me and I only realized not having a child was an option in my 20s.
It's honestly kind of frustrating because my mom expects me to have a child even though I told her I don't want one. She doesn't harass me about it, but I'm pretty sure she's thinking "oh you havent found the right person" blah blah blah
but I know for a fact I do not want to birth children
I needed this tbh
What an amazing conversation and I am in awe of their honesty ❤ So brave of them to share their story
Aww, they’re such a beautiful couple 🥰
If I had to make a guess you’re there for dare I say it… TOO HOT TO HANDLE 🔥
Thank you so much for this conversation
I am a very traditional, God oriented woman, an 8 years relationship, believe in family and monogamy of course. Yet I still don't want kids. Just that. I don't think it's something that special just a person growing under your roof.
Parents sometimes question themselfs as non parents will not that deep.
Shan loves the sneak these bangs back
Wait, why does the recoil happen???
If you’re referring to their comments about resentment towards their spouse after a child…there are things that just naturally change after becoming parents. There are also a lot of things that fall on mom. Carrying, labor, breastfeeding if that’s chosen, lots of sleepless nights, changes in the body and coming to terms with that etc. Dad can do lots to help but mom is also in the middle of a hormone dump amongst everything else. All of this can cause mom to be overwhelmed and feel resentment towards dad even though it’s not his fault. (Given he is a good, hands on father) not everyone is going to feel that way. I think a giant part of it is who you have a child with. I hope this helps a little.
No it had nothing to do with kids. They were just talking about this feeling period, you can look up the NYT article on it
unplanned is better than mistake
Your mic is so quiet!
Who is going to look after elderly people in general if most people don’t have kids? There won’t be anyone and it’s grim. The reality of this has already set in places like Japan. The documentary birth gap outlines this problem well and it’s the most depressing thing I’ve ever watched.
So we're all supposed to have children so that we have someone to take care of us when we're older. Our needs as we age mean children are a must? How is that a reason to have children???? Children are people that get to make a choice as to what their path in life will be. I guess you think if we all have lots of kids the odds of someone taking care of us when we're old increases. So weird. It's such a weird and self-centered burden to put on a human being that didn't ask to be here - that their future fate is to care for you or someone else no choice in the matter.
@@74MD74 I think people who work in aged care choose to do that profession often because it’s in their nature to care for people. Caring for the elderly is a natural process just as it is to birth and raise children. Seeing my mum care for my grandmother while she was dying was one of the most profound acts of love I’ve ever witnessed. She died at home with her whole family surrounding her. She was not a burden. We were there because of love, that’s all. It’s a normal part of life to care for the vulnerable and while difficult it’s also hugely rewarding. These reward systems are carved deeply into our dna. Having children is not inherently selfish. We are a reproductive species after all. It is a huge sacrifice and for most people it’s the most meaningful thing they will ever do.
Eventually the human race dies out and I’m sure the Earth is perfectly fine with that. Perhaps there have been other intelligent species that also died out because they were never smart enough to design a society that enabled everyone to prosper at every stage in their life.
Shan has the most gorgeous legs ever
I need a sweet good job. Do you have one for me?
..my recommendation is bank your eggs or keep body rejuvenating to have functioning ovaries for later..
and when she hit 45 - she is gonna feel lonely while that male can start family at 50
Lol. You do know that if you're feeling lonely you can talk to your friends and family, right? Don't need children for that. It's absurd to think that every person has to have children or that they are going to regret being child-free.
its funny that yall think that just because a man CAN have a baby and any age means he WANTS to. theyre also doing very well financially. she can have a baby at 45 if she wanted to. einstein
@@refreshingtwist agree but she is being manipulated into not having family because he got vasectomy - is more easy for man to marry woman who already have child and can raise it as it's own...but having son for woman when you are 80 is handy, trust me
@@drnstjhn she can at 50-55 it will be a norm in near future - also dual marriage
Childfree single women are the happiest
I love how honest this conversation is. My husband had a vasectomy at 27 because we knew we didn't want to have children for many personal, social, and economic reasons.
100