They rarely leave so move on.. it’s horrible and terribly painful but you must be true to yourself.. better alone than waiting for someone not available
Possibly the best video on RUclips explaining the dynamics. If you are after an emotionally unavailable person then that's a reflection of your own availability. You won't want to believe it until you are ready though.
@@mochicookie25 if you are accepting a relationship with someone who is not yours and statistically never will be, it's not a relationship. It means that you are unavailable for a healthy relationship too.
I really needed this. Thanks. Hes not married but lives with her and has 2 kids. I didnt know, I thought he was single. I was giving him 3 months to leave but I couldn't give him space to do it. He says a lot but no actions so iv cut him off. Difficult but I can't carry on. You're so right.
My short answer is NO and NO. Every point you make is accurate. Three wasted years when my instincts were screaming at me to exit for every reason you articulated. My greatest mistake.
Spot on, amazing clarity and advice My affair partner fell into all three of these This was a trap, lasted too long, not good for my soul. Moving on trying to heal and grow from this 💔 Thank you 🙏
Having been in a 'situationship' my lover was perfectly clear about the boundaries. Loving their partner plutonically, (by their mutual agreement) and never going to be available. We have had a lovely deep intimate connection, lasting years..I never wanted anything else as I have been through 'bad' relationships, and didn't want a commitment in the conventional way. Their marriage maintained, I had the human touch and intimacy that I was missing. I haven't been 'needy' or expecting more. I have to say, it was beautiful, and based solely on trust and total acceptance. For us both, a joyful and positive experience. Honesty is always the best policy, and coming from a place of being absolutely ok with yourself. I knew that I was enough. This connection was an enhancement to that.
Your situation sounds a lot like mine 😊 Relationships aren't always cut and dry. I'm divorced. I'll never marry again by choice. Most people don't realize this unfortunately... monogamy is man-made, especially for husbands I believe. There's nothing more special then having your own beautiful kind of relationship between two people, respecting boundaries is so important & having a special kind of love no matter what.♥️
That is pretty much exactly true it is repeating behavior patterns. Fearful avoidant people fear abandonment and commitment “hence” that's why the married affair partner isn't going to release the marriage until they “monkey branch”into the new relationship. (This is also true with dismissive avoidant personality type people as well) Dismissive avoidant personality type people have a fear of commitment with an underlying fear of abandonment but keep the fear of abandonment hidden except for when they have affairs. A secure attachment personality type person doesn't have a fear of abandonment they just end the relationship and or marriage no problem. Very important to recognize the four attachment nersonalitv stvles in existence every single person fits into one of the four categories: 1. Pre Occupied Anxious Attachment Personality Style stands for I'm afraid of abandonment and I second guess myself. I can't make it on my own and I'm a people pleaser and I let people walk all over me as long as they don’t leave me alone. Some people refer to me as an empath without healthy boundaries. I will participate in an affair even if you lie to me telling me you’re eventually going to leave your marriage as long as I’m not alone I’m good. 2. Secure Attachment Personality Style stands for I’m okay being on my own, I'm okay being in a relationship as well. I don't experience anxiety or fear from being single and I don't experience fear or anxiety from being in a relationship. I'm a healthy minded adult that knows how to enter and exit a relationship safely. People refer to me as an empath with healthy boundaries. I’m not getting involved with married people period. 3. Fearful Avoidant Attachment Personality Style stands for I'm scared to be alone sometimes and I'm afraid to commit sometimes. I'II be into you one minute and interested in someone else the next minute and interested in someone else the next minute. People refer to me as covert and sometimes overt narcissists. I will string you along as long as you allow me to as well as stringing other people along incase things don’t workout with you at least I have others to give me narcissistic supply and inflate my ego. Hey! Look at how many people want me, I am hot. 4. Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Personality Style stands for I didn't get my emotional needs met in childhood. I had to self sooth myself and I got used to doing that. I am not changing for you or anyone else. I have a fear of commitment with an underlying fear of abandonment but I will never show you or anyone my fear of abandonment side. I put myself out there as an independent person that needs no one. Some refer to me as the covert narcissist. I will string you along but I’m not going to leave my marriage ever. I’m comfortable and no one not even you will ever control me. The only attachment style that won't engage in an affair would be a secure attachment personality style person. Find out who you're dating but DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE THEM OR FIX THEM, THAT ISN'T YOUR JOB. Let them be their authentic self so you'll know they're capable of in their future not yours. Once you find out if they aren't secure attachment personality style, you know what to do. Now you know they are capable of engaging in affairs, it's up to you if you want to invest your time money emotions your life into that. Some people are assets and some are liabilities or bills. If you know they're authentically a secure person by themselves you won't have to worry about them having an affair. There, just saved you time energy and money and emotional agony. You're welcome 😁
This whole process is so painful to heal from. False promises, misleading women, etc are increasingly common and it feels horrible to have to let the offenders go scot free while we sob our hearts out
Sorry it's so painful. One way to look at it is offenders and victims. Another way is to get curious about what part everyone is playing, even if one part may be hanging onto hope or saying yes when it's actually a no or not sure
I’m so glad I listened this morning. This is one of the clearest messages, spoke directly to my last situation with a separated man. Thanks for this, Jack.
I misread the title. Lol. But you just never know where some insight might come from. I feel at times like this business situation with me and my toxic parents makes me a lot like a “kept woman.” And I’m the one always saying I’m leaving and really wanting to but haven’t yet. I hate it ya know. This is so much like living a lie and it’s becoming harder and harder each day to stay in it. But it’s true that there are certain ties and there’s going to be financial and other disadvantages. (Which I’m currently working through and coming to terms with fully accepting etc). But mostly it’s fear of change and at times overwhelm. Trying to overcome learned helplessness and self doubt etc. There’s a lot of stuff that people can be bound by and they may not be either physically or emotionally able to leave…even when in their hearts they want to. At least not for a long time. I would think a lot of these guys could be just like that. Maybe they’d even want to, but for whatever reasons they can’t and ergo they won’t. (Of course others are just lying, entitled scum-but I would guess not all of them are which might make something like that even MORE tricky). And the women who stick around waiting could be a lot like me also….bound to them by some difficult invisible tethers or having real practical concerns etc. And ya know. There’s shame around it. Why’d you take a “strings attached inheritance?” Bcuz you feel “guilty” and weak…like you’re just someone who takes bribes. And you just don’t want to put that out there so much for fear of judgment. It’s like well I did and it’s done and history can’t be unwritten. And maybe I have regrets. But what do I do now tho? It is imo very similar to DV or like me and my sicko parents….people all over the planet not really understanding often saying things like “why doesn’t she just leave?” And well,…if she really knew the answer to that question, she’d prob have already left tho. And other times she finds herself trapped and ensnared in one way or another and picking up and leaving isn’t so simple or cut and dry. So some of us are still seeking out those real answers for ourselves tho. But whether someone is intentionally using or abusing us or doing it unwittingly, the result is still the same for us. Like Maya Angelou said. When we know better, we do better. (And you can’t do better until you know better). But sometimes there can be a lengthy learning curve before that happens. Hah. I’m not even dating or trying to or with anyone. But me thinks for some reason it’s still good for me to follow along here. You just never really know from whence some of your much needed answers or insight will come from. Or to just be able to drop another bit of shame and self loathing off of yourself. Etc. More self compassion. More self forgiveness. More patience with myself.
The good old stall up after stall up and future faking for a possible someday maybe… then when you say you won’t participate in it any more, he dangles a few more carrots… then he offers to move in with you but wants you to wait for another five years also until he can make millions on his house lol What a joke, and because you won’t have a bar of that then you’re the one to blame for rejecting him and missing out on all of the prize 😀
Yeah.. ive been in this like love triangle for a little over 1.5 yrs. I have two kiddos. I'm trying to gain the strength to move on. Trying to move on feels like I'm shredding ever bit of my existence. It's so painful. We've both said things to each other we have never said to others. I hoped and prayed that he would come around but I'm tired of waiting.
I hear you. That sounds really tough. A relationship not being available doesn't mean there isn't real love. You'll find your way to separate, stay as present as you can to this moment this day and deal with tomorrow tomorrow 🙏
Thank you so much... this really broke it down for me. It is going to be extremely painful & I don't want to lose this but it is what it is & I deserve better.
So good! The spark has gone in the marriage the mistress fills the void and ironically make the marriage better and help it survive. So why would he leave. He has 100% of what he needs between 2 women. The mistress has 30% if she’s lucky.
It's a win-win for him because whether things end with his wife or the side woman, he still has someone to come home to. The cheating man never feels any hurt in these situations, but the woman (women) will.
Been in this situation. I was willing to leave and started taking steps to: he did not. Look at actions not words. He said he was weighing up the investment?! wtf. How rude. She’s much older than me and they have a sexless relationship.
Spot on. Very insightful video. People try to gain your trust in some way. Commonly i think people also are not honest about being single in the beginning. And this is where the skew of reality lies. Then the person figures out truth. And it’s crushing. 👍🏾
Yes I’m an idiot. I’ve been with a man that has a wife for four years. I’m single. He does not have kids. I don’t have kids. I ask if he will leave her and move in with me. He says he does not know. He says he is not ready to make this huge life change. I’m really sick of it. But we have become best friends and do everything together. He is in a sexless marriage. I don’t understand why he stays. He was very slow to get intimate with me. Yes we have a very very strong connection. He is like the other half of my soul. He has never promised me he will leave but feel he just keeps me hanging on.
I wouldn’t be hard on yourself. I would focus on what’s your best path of action. If you break things off you don’t have to have beliefs about whether he will leave. Then it’s about your self development, your sobriety to see things as they are
He love her, that's why he dont leave. Sex he can found on you or somebody else. You feel a connection, but that's not enough, because is only in your part.
Is there any commity or group for women where such men are exposed and shamed and punished in some way without the woman being exposed? A secret group helping each other.
@@pnkrckmom I hear you. Guess lessons take the time they need to be learned. There can be huge potential for awakening in this stuff too - trusting yourself, not being seduced by words, being sober etc
I had the person leave their spouse and sell their former marital home, but I had to step away completely for an extended amount of time first. After being his on off mistress for a good part of a decade, it would then appear he used me as a stepping stone to someone else. I was with him for 5 years post separation, 4 of which we were engaged. I suspect finances were a factor in his failure to follow through with his promised commitment to me.
They rarely leave so move on.. it’s horrible and terribly painful but you must be true to yourself.. better alone than waiting for someone not available
They never leave, so protect yourself by never getting involved. Self-defense.
Possibly the best video on RUclips explaining the dynamics. If you are after an emotionally unavailable person then that's a reflection of your own availability. You won't want to believe it until you are ready though.
I have heard this, and I’m finally listening and trying to uncover what I’m consistently doing to be unavailable to myself.
Could someone explain this further? How is that a reflection of one's own availability?
@@mochicookie25 if you are accepting a relationship with someone who is not yours and statistically never will be, it's not a relationship. It means that you are unavailable for a healthy relationship too.
@@anon_ya0❤A
@@gillpendleton1197or just with low self worth.
Oh girl! If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you!
These men are cowards. The disrespect shown towards both the wife and the other woman in this dynamic is disgusting.
Today....you have set me free Jack....thankyou❤
I really needed this. Thanks. Hes not married but lives with her and has 2 kids. I didnt know, I thought he was single. I was giving him 3 months to leave but I couldn't give him space to do it. He says a lot but no actions so iv cut him off. Difficult but I can't carry on. You're so right.
My short answer is NO and NO.
Every point you make is accurate. Three wasted years when my instincts were screaming at me to exit for every reason you articulated. My greatest mistake.
Spot on, amazing clarity and advice
My affair partner fell into all three of these
This was a trap, lasted too long, not good for my soul.
Moving on trying to heal and grow from this 💔
Thank you 🙏
Good on you for investing in healing and growing from this
So much needed truth! Thank you.
Having been in a 'situationship' my lover was perfectly clear about the boundaries. Loving their partner plutonically, (by their mutual agreement) and never going to be available. We have had a lovely deep intimate connection, lasting years..I never wanted anything else as I have been through 'bad' relationships, and didn't want a commitment in the conventional way.
Their marriage maintained, I had the human touch and intimacy that I was missing. I haven't been 'needy' or expecting more. I have to say, it was beautiful, and based solely on trust and total acceptance.
For us both, a joyful and positive experience.
Honesty is always the best policy, and coming from a place of being absolutely ok with yourself. I knew that I was enough. This connection was an enhancement to that.
🤢
Your situation sounds a lot like mine 😊 Relationships aren't always cut and dry. I'm divorced. I'll never marry again by choice.
Most people don't realize this unfortunately... monogamy is man-made, especially for husbands I believe.
There's nothing more special then having your own beautiful kind of relationship between two people, respecting boundaries is so important & having a special kind of love no matter what.♥️
That is pretty much exactly true it is repeating behavior patterns.
Fearful avoidant people fear abandonment and commitment “hence” that's why the married affair partner isn't going to release the marriage until they “monkey branch”into the new relationship.
(This is also true with dismissive avoidant personality type people as well)
Dismissive avoidant personality type people have a fear of commitment with an underlying fear of abandonment but keep the fear of abandonment hidden except for when they have affairs.
A secure attachment personality type person doesn't have a fear of abandonment they just end the relationship and or marriage no problem.
Very important to recognize the four attachment nersonalitv stvles in existence every single person fits into one of the four categories:
1. Pre Occupied Anxious Attachment Personality
Style stands for I'm afraid of abandonment and I second guess myself. I can't make it on my own and I'm a people pleaser and I let people walk all over me as long as they don’t leave me alone. Some people refer to me as an empath without healthy boundaries. I will participate in an affair even if you lie to me telling me you’re eventually going to leave your marriage as long as I’m not alone I’m good.
2. Secure Attachment Personality Style stands for I’m okay being on my own, I'm okay being in a relationship as well. I don't experience anxiety or fear from being single and I don't experience fear or anxiety from being in a relationship. I'm a healthy minded adult that knows how to enter and exit a relationship safely. People refer to me as an empath with healthy boundaries. I’m not getting involved with married people period.
3. Fearful Avoidant Attachment Personality Style stands for I'm scared to be alone sometimes and I'm afraid to commit sometimes. I'II be into you one minute and interested in someone else the next minute and interested in someone else the next minute. People refer to me as covert and sometimes overt narcissists. I will string you along as long as you allow me to as well as stringing other people along incase things don’t workout with you at least I have others to give me narcissistic supply and inflate my ego. Hey! Look at how many people want me, I am hot.
4. Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Personality
Style stands for I didn't get my emotional needs met in childhood. I had to self sooth myself and I got used to doing that. I am not changing for you or anyone else. I have a fear of commitment with an underlying fear of abandonment but I will never show you or anyone my fear of abandonment side. I put myself out there as an independent person that needs no one. Some refer to me as the covert narcissist.
I will string you along but I’m not going to leave my marriage ever. I’m comfortable and no one not even you will ever control me.
The only attachment style that won't engage in an affair would be a secure attachment personality style person.
Find out who you're dating but DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE THEM OR FIX THEM, THAT ISN'T YOUR JOB.
Let them be their authentic self so you'll know they're capable of in their future not yours.
Once you find out if they aren't secure attachment personality style, you know what to do.
Now you know they are capable of engaging in affairs, it's up to you if you want to invest your time money emotions your life into that.
Some people are assets and some are liabilities or bills.
If you know they're authentically a secure person by themselves you won't have to worry about them having an affair.
There, just saved you time energy and money and emotional agony. You're welcome 😁
It’s not always that complicated. Sometimes it’s just about low self esteem and thinking you don’t deserve more.
This whole process is so painful to heal from. False promises, misleading women, etc are increasingly common and it feels horrible to have to let the offenders go scot free while we sob our hearts out
Sorry it's so painful. One way to look at it is offenders and victims. Another way is to get curious about what part everyone is playing, even if one part may be hanging onto hope or saying yes when it's actually a no or not sure
I’m so glad I listened this morning. This is one of the clearest messages, spoke directly to my last situation with a separated man. Thanks for this, Jack.
I personally feel so helpless and alone that i am unable to do anything personality and have to wait for karma to play its role
I misread the title. Lol. But you just never know where some insight might come from. I feel at times like this business situation with me and my toxic parents makes me a lot like a “kept woman.” And I’m the one always saying I’m leaving and really wanting to but haven’t yet. I hate it ya know. This is so much like living a lie and it’s becoming harder and harder each day to stay in it. But it’s true that there are certain ties and there’s going to be financial and other disadvantages. (Which I’m currently working through and coming to terms with fully accepting etc). But mostly it’s fear of change and at times overwhelm. Trying to overcome learned helplessness and self doubt etc. There’s a lot of stuff that people can be bound by and they may not be either physically or emotionally able to leave…even when in their hearts they want to. At least not for a long time. I would think a lot of these guys could be just like that. Maybe they’d even want to, but for whatever reasons they can’t and ergo they won’t. (Of course others are just lying, entitled scum-but I would guess not all of them are which might make something like that even MORE tricky). And the women who stick around waiting could be a lot like me also….bound to them by some difficult invisible tethers or having real practical concerns etc.
And ya know. There’s shame around it. Why’d you take a “strings attached inheritance?” Bcuz you feel “guilty” and weak…like you’re just someone who takes bribes. And you just don’t want to put that out there so much for fear of judgment. It’s like well I did and it’s done and history can’t be unwritten. And maybe I have regrets. But what do I do now tho? It is imo very similar to DV or like me and my sicko parents….people all over the planet not really understanding often saying things like “why doesn’t she just leave?” And well,…if she really knew the answer to that question, she’d prob have already left tho. And other times she finds herself trapped and ensnared in one way or another and picking up and leaving isn’t so simple or cut and dry. So some of us are still seeking out those real answers for ourselves tho. But whether someone is intentionally using or abusing us or doing it unwittingly, the result is still the same for us.
Like Maya Angelou said. When we know better, we do better. (And you can’t do better until you know better). But sometimes there can be a lengthy learning curve before that happens.
Hah. I’m not even dating or trying to or with anyone. But me thinks for some reason it’s still good for me to follow along here. You just never really know from whence some of your much needed answers or insight will come from. Or to just be able to drop another bit of shame and self loathing off of yourself. Etc. More self compassion. More self forgiveness. More patience with myself.
Agree with many commenters. Your take on this is a veritable gold mine, Jack!
The good old stall up after stall up and future faking for a possible someday maybe… then when you say you won’t participate in it any more, he dangles a few more carrots… then he offers to move in with you but wants you to wait for another five years also until he can make millions on his house lol
What a joke, and because you won’t have a bar of that then you’re the one to blame for rejecting him and missing out on all of the prize 😀
Yeah.. ive been in this like love triangle for a little over 1.5 yrs. I have two kiddos. I'm trying to gain the strength to move on. Trying to move on feels like I'm shredding ever bit of my existence. It's so painful. We've both said things to each other we have never said to others. I hoped and prayed that he would come around but I'm tired of waiting.
I hear you. That sounds really tough. A relationship not being available doesn't mean there isn't real love. You'll find your way to separate, stay as present as you can to this moment this day and deal with tomorrow tomorrow 🙏
So true thank you so much for the reasonable true advice and clarity
Thank you so much... this really broke it down for me. It is going to be extremely painful & I don't want to lose this but it is what it is & I deserve better.
Sounds like a sober assessment. Wishing you well in moving on 🙏
So good! The spark has gone in the marriage the mistress fills the void and ironically make the marriage better and help it survive. So why would he leave. He has 100% of what he needs between 2 women. The mistress has 30% if she’s lucky.
It's a win-win for him because whether things end with his wife or the side woman, he still has someone to come home to. The cheating man never feels any hurt in these situations, but the woman (women) will.
Been in this situation. I was willing to leave and started taking steps to: he did not. Look at actions not words.
He said he was weighing up the investment?! wtf. How rude.
She’s much older than me and they have a sexless relationship.
Spot on. Very insightful video. People try to gain your trust in some way. Commonly i think people also are not honest about being single in the beginning. And this is where the skew of reality lies. Then the person figures out truth. And it’s crushing. 👍🏾
Jack, I’d love to clone you and have you talking to me in my ear all the time … as usual brilliant vid
Absolutely, he is the best. The others are so much yada yada.
Tnx :)
Thank you for this video and for the way you delivered it!
You're very welcome!
This helped me trust myself in a new way. Thank you! Words from above to help me move forward.
Happy to hear that, wishing you clarity with it 🙏
Thank you Jack. You have so helped me. I Keep playing your videos.. you've made me realise so much. Bless you
I am listening to this for someone else who has come to me with this issue. Your counsel is excellent. I will share it.
Yes I’m an idiot. I’ve been with a man that has a wife for four years. I’m single. He does not have kids. I don’t have kids. I ask if he will leave her and move in with me. He says he does not know. He says he is not ready to make this huge life change. I’m really sick of it. But we have become best friends and do everything together. He is in a sexless marriage. I don’t understand why he stays. He was very slow to get intimate with me. Yes we have a very very strong connection. He is like the other half of my soul. He has never promised me he will leave but feel he just keeps me hanging on.
I almost told her about the affair but stopped myself bc there is no use. She will likely decide to stay and then what good did it do?
I wouldn’t be hard on yourself. I would focus on what’s your best path of action. If you break things off you don’t have to have beliefs about whether he will leave. Then it’s about your self development, your sobriety to see things as they are
He love her, that's why he dont leave.
Sex he can found on you or somebody else.
You feel a connection, but that's not enough, because is only in your part.
Don’t believe that he is in a sexless marriage. That’s just lies.
Same here… like 3 years and I’m over it… I’m so disgusted at this point!
My husband went looking for a person to have an affair with
@@karenmeacham798 I am sorry
“If he’s not willing to prioritize “ need to put that on a t-shirt.
This helped me sir!! Thank you so so much
Happy to hear
Is there any commity or group for women where such men are exposed and shamed and punished in some way without the woman being exposed? A secret group helping each other.
Looooool stay with her
This one is entirely too painful.
Sorry to hear that. If you need help, reach out via my website www.jackbutler.com/apply (special running this weekend)
@@thejackbutler Thank you. I've come to terms with it, it just hurts. 12 years of my life given. Live and learn I guess.
@@pnkrckmom I hear you. Guess lessons take the time they need to be learned. There can be huge potential for awakening in this stuff too - trusting yourself, not being seduced by words, being sober etc
Thank you.
I had the person leave their spouse and sell their former marital home, but I had to step away completely for an extended amount of time first.
After being his on off mistress for a good part of a decade, it would then appear he used me as a stepping stone to someone else.
I was with him for 5 years post separation, 4 of which we were engaged. I suspect finances were a factor in his failure to follow through with his promised commitment to me.
Thanks for sharing. Sorry you felt like a stepping stone. Good luck healing and moving forward.
Ughhhh so terrible. I’m not wasting another miserable year 😢