Easiest explanation of a Boundary in Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 23 мар 2023
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#boundaries #conflictresolution #relationshipcoach
Boundaries are essential for a healthy relationship, the only problem is, most people don't implement them correctly or at all!
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I like the phrase, “the level of access I give to you”❤
Narcissist partners don’t understand that.
Change partner... it's not worth it. You can't enforce boundaries with the narc ones... It's worth than that : they understand...they just don't care....
It's useless to stay with people like that, you're just getting drained from your energy.
@@ChimChimChums easy and logical to say, very hard sometimes impossible to do in some cases. Depends on the level of control.
@@delsings depends on the level of self love and care one gives themselves. If this is how we need to talk to people to ask them to treat us with kindness, then you need to have more self respect and learn how to be a stronger person, and not let their guilt trips affect you anymore. Just because you care for someone, does not mean you need to be in their space. Free yourself free this burden, and you'll attract better people into your life
@@rhythmisadancer8394 oh nah I get the whole self love and respect stuff. What I'm saying are some peole are literally trapped in situations where they have little to no autonomy. It isn't always just a matter of self esteem.
@@delsings i never said self esteem. I said self love. Caring for oneself, putting your own mental health above all else. I never said it would be easy, but everyone has a choice in life. Going through your own struggle, reaching out to places that are there to help. It takes time, but its better to invest that time into oneself, getting better and stronger, than to let 20yrs go by and not even knowing who you are. Life is way too precious and we are all here to learn something, and each day should be that way. A lot of people are scared to start over on their own, or to leave a horrible relationship because then they'll be alone. But if you're unhappy by yourself, then you'll never be happy in this life. It won't happen over time, its a progression. You may never see certain people who were important to you again, so its a grief, death, but then a rebirth of a new life a new you. It is worth it. Self esteem comes with time. But it starts with a love and respect for yourself to know you are worth it. Letting go of any shame and guilt. Its a spiritual journey
My husband and I have a boundary on shouting. As we say, "Anything that is true is just as true at a lower decibel". He has anxiety and I have PTSD, so yelling never gets us anywhere. I am usually the one who gets the urge to yell, so I call a time-out and we come back to the topic (if it still needs to be discussed) when I have calmed down. A responsible partner should be able to catch themselves before crossing the boundary just as much as they should be able to hold their own.
I tried to tell my dad not to yell at my mom when she was trying to help him put the ceiling fan up. I was telling him to stop yelling because he was startling her and she couldn't focus of finding the screw he needed that he dropped. He immediately got defensive saying he was just "instructing." I said, but you're raising your voice, which alarms people. And told him he doesn't need to yell to instruct when she is standing right next to him. Then he said, "Y'all that damn sensitive, that's just sad." And I held my tongue, like I always do, because I know he's just gonna get defensive and not reflect on what I'm telling him. He won't realize or respect I want you to stop this, I don't like it. He's been that way all my life.
Me and my boyfriend have something similar... We have never established it as a boundary, but we never shout at each other. Whenever something is getting close to get out of control one of us stops it somehow (sometimes even saying that both of us are almost ""attacking"" a bit the other, so we should stop/change the way we're dealing with it and etc), and I feel so happy for having this... One year and a half together and we never got into a fight, cause we talk about every little problem that might become a big thing way before it is able to.
Zero fights, zero yelling at each other and zero non solved big problems.
@@carolinamansur113not fighting is not healthy. That's chronic avoidance. Not yelling is fine, but fighting is something healthy couples do. You just need to learn how to do so in a healthy and constructive way.
@@cathkails not necessarily. As I said, anything that might become a problem one day we discuss as soon as we noticed something happened and I/he felt bothered, and then we solve it.
We don't fight because we have no reason to. Doesn't mean we don't have important talks or that we keep avoiding conflict.
I do feel very happy for being this open with my boyfriend, but sometimes I almost wish we didn't do it this way, because we have SO many conversations (he's the type of person that needs to talk about something as soon as it happens, while I need time to think before talking, so it is always a different approach) a week.
I do understand you saying no fights is not healthy, though. I hadn't really explained before, and it's the first time I talk about this in English, so I don't really now what are the best words to use (it's not my first language) to make myself clear.
It's actually kinda funny, cause he's the one person I feel free to complain about anything that's happening, cause I know he'll listen to me (I use to say he's the one person I can allow myself to be "selfish" - people pleaser talking), and even with all the complaints, we never got into a fight.
We also care a lot about each other, so we always try to say things in a way that won't hurt the other. Very often we are having some "problem" (don't know what word to use) and I start crying (I'm a very sensitive person), then he hugs me and we keep the conversation that way (even if he's telling me he felt hurt about something I did). The opposite only doesn't happen because he doesn't cry easily, but that's usually how things go (we both hugging).
Anyways, I've got no idea if I made myself clear, but I think I wrote too much. Sorry. I always use too many words trying to explain things. Hope you'll understand.
@@carolinamansur113don't worry, there's nothing wrong with your English. This person is just blindly repeating a phrase that doesn't apply to your situation.
I appreciate the specific example. You would not believe just how vague people are discussing this topic giving all kinds of sentiments in terms of not 'putting up with that kind of behaviour'. But you are the first one giving an example of how to handle this type of situation. So thank you!
Agreed, and what I also came to say.
Yes, I need the words! And the bitchiness way to say it!
Yeah. The specific examples he uses in every video are so helpful. "Abusive or disrespectful language" is context and person dependent. And we tend to only include in our own minds the worst possible option and anything less than that is tolerable. Even when it shouldn't be. Excellent point, thanks!
Seems to me like name calling should not be a boundary. Because they shouldn’t be name calling you to begin with. So if they do it then that’s probably a good sign that they’re not the right person.
Yes love this expression of a boundary 🙌
Healthy boundary setters are so inspirational. I have a friend who is a PRO at this. The more someone sets healthy boundaries with me the more I learn how to respect boundaries in general and also how to set them for myself.
Yeah, we both need a better way to learn them lol
Omg one of my coworkers is an absolute PRO I have learned so much from her! Was on a call with her + another coworker who was keyed up who accused her of "gaslighting" someone, and my pro just calmly said "I don't accept that" and continued to speak calm logic to this person. It was admirable, I'm so emotional I likely would have spiraled at such an intense accusation but my queen had a firm grip on reality and boundaries in this convo.
@@ambermcdonald1302 we're allowed to do that!? 😂
Yes boundaries are great… until they don’t benefit women
@@MarkZuckerberg-cu6dk I agree with your insight wholeheartedly. I actually think that this was my win for 2023, learning more about how to set healthy boundaries and how necessary it is for my well-being and longevity. Is this THE Mark Zuckerberg? :)
My boundary was not putting up with a man who would upset me but then forget it ever happened. It was a pattern and it went on far too long. I would say, “Are you really going to pretend that what you just did to me didn’t happen?” He would look at me like I was an alien. One day I just waited until he went to work and then I picked up a U-Haul, packed all my sh*t, and left him for good. Enough.
Good for you!!
Sounds like narcissism to me. Glad you got out!
Mine left me to walk home from Lowe’s. And then I literally had to start over. Financially and emotionally. I now know that I’m capable🎉❤ and I was from the beginning❤🎉
This is why young people live together instead of getting married, because this crap happens all the time, they’ve seen it among their friends if not their parents and the parents friends, and nobody has time to deal with divorce court let alone the cost of it. I don’t recommend it. Mary is still the way to go, but I understand why young people have such a hard timecommitting to marriage.
Wow you just explained my childhood. And adulthood with my mother. Pretend it didn’t happen. I thought this was how you fixed things.
I've been told I'm stupid most of my marriage. I wish i knew about boundaries a long time ago. Creating them now in my fifties. It's never too late.
Good job!!! You give me hope that is never too late!
I get told I’m an idiot-and I’ve heard that when they name call they’re projecting their insecurities on us…
Stay strong; be safe. 🩷
And consider leaving if your new behavior makes his escalate!
Thank you so much for your comment!!! I’ve been feeling kinda low because I’ve only recently started doing this and I’m in my 40’s. I’ve been staying firm on this and have had people tell me I’ve changed and it’s menopause or something similar lol and I’m sick of it. The only truth is I’m finally loving myself now so I’m standing up for ME. I wish I would’ve heard more comments like these or seen these type of videos before but it’s never too late and it’s just helpful to know I’m not alone sometimes I think we forget that there’s other people on the same journey with us. ❤️🙏❤️🙏
Amen!
That’s so good! “It’s never too late.”
Yes, thank you, because so many people are confusing “boundaries” with “rules I set and expect people to follow”.
THANK YOU
I think name calling maybe shouldn’t be a boundary. Because they should not resort to name calling anyways, if they do they’re probably not the right person.
@@king_supreme1102 Right?! It should just be the norm!
It's easy to get confused because it is a rule in the sense that you have to follow this standard or else I won't be here. It's a punishment, unless the other person doesn't want to you to be there. It's a fair rule that respects yourself.
I did this until this month. Like a week ago. I used to get mad bc they wouldn't listen
I remember my husband would say, “oh, so you’re just gonna walk out on the conversation? Ok.” I knew I felt disrespected, but when he phrased it like that, I felt like I was running from conflict. So I learned to stay through the demeaning and interrupting and sometimes even shouting down.
It took talking to a counselor about my situations for her to explain what I did was right, I don’t owe anyone to stay if I feel disrespected.
Anyone encountering this now: "No, I'm not, because I'm not really in a conversation here. I'm being berated and insulted. I'm leaving that, because I don't deserve this treatment. If you're ready to have an actual conversation, where you listen and try to understand and talk without being hurtful, I'm open to that. As long as you view a conflict as a war in which you makes
me the enemy to be defeated at all costs, no real conversation is possible."
Yup I’ve learned all this so true however at the time in the marriage he’d say oh there you go walking away ..go on get out It hurt so much but with his disrespect I never wanted to escalate esp in front of my child it’s so hard for families with kids
Ex husband, hopefully?
this has happened to me before, and it feels so awful. all in one, it can make you feel weak, callous, and like you've done something wrong. i'm proud you got through it!!
@@e.458i find ppl that criticise boundaries don't rlly listen well when you explain them. depending on the person it may work, but not explaining at all is also an option!
My ex would have been even more enraged and volatile just for setting that boundary. He wouldn't have let me leave. If I would have left regardless, I would come back to all my stuff destroyed. I often felt like a hostage in my own home. I got out of that situation, but anyone who went through this or is still actively in that situation: I feel for you, you deserve better. ❤
It's crazy that they break the law (destruction of property) and still play the victim.
@@e.458 Yup. Absolutely insane. It doesn't matter, it could be literal attempted murder and it's still going to be "look what you made me do" instead of actually owning up to it.
I go to court for the extension of my protection order on Monday. I’ve been married for 20 years to a closet monster and he’s a felon for multiple convictions of assault. I had to wait till he abandoned us again in order to get the protection order. He uses the law to abuse me just like he physically and financially abuses me so calling the police does nothing. He will break my phone before he comes after me then he’ll call them and claim I did something to him. I’m the one bleeding or bruised but sometimes they go with what he says. He’s got people believing in a co-abuser and he’s defending himself against a 90 pound 4’10” petite woman!
@@proverbs2522🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 I pray your protection order is extended and you are set free of the evil deeds and abuse by his hands. Healing and freedom are possible.
@@proverbs2522 any interaction with these types of people needs to be recorded. And this type of boundary setting doesn't work with narcissists, because they have no respect for anyone, even themselves. If they were capable of having an emotionally mature conversation, then you would only have to ever state something once to them, and they would do their best not to do it again. They may be hurt, but they'd look internally and realise they need to be better people. The narcissist doesn't have this capability, it will only enrage them. They are incredibly defensive. The only solution is to leave. And have cameras throughout your home, and car. I hope the best for you
Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy! Go-Go- Go Jimmy!! These videos are the best!! I’ve been setting boundaries- taking a deep breath helps- I say, “hold on”- 7 second /deep breath…. “I’m sorry, that’s rude and I won’t be a participant in your battle. I’ll be back later when you’re ready to listen and not just WIN.” and sheesh! It’s working!!! Thanks again!
Oh my gosh! This is so awesome!! You’re an inspiration!
I wouldnt even mention the boundary. Like you said, thats for me. I'd stop at "im not up for being called stupid, so I'm stepping away and we can continue it only if you don't call me names." Now, if your partner is emotionally sound, maybe mentioning the boundary is safe. But I've noticed after 58 years that mentioning the boundary only inflames the other person bc they're already triggered. I want to be able to walk away safely. Now, granted, i lived with a violent person. Every word out of my mouth had to be measured. Even though that person is out of my life, Im still sensitive to how volatile others may be. Boundaries are essential, but they dont need to be mentioned directly.
Same. I hear you x
So wise ❤
I'm sorry for you ladies! 😢 Nobody should ever have go through that!
Completely agree, if your partner, family member, friend, colleague, whatever is insulting you every time they are angry, that’s a red flag.
You deserve kindness and respect even when in a conflict. Say it again for the people in the back! Yessss.
🎉
I appreciate this scenario. Boundaries can be hard but this simplifies it. Appreciate this
Can you do one on unhealthy boundaries that ARE put in place to be controlling/punish? So that we can see the differences? For example, the type of "boundaries" narcissists or abusers use.
I think the main difference is between "YOU are not allowed to do that" and "I will remove myself from the situation if this boundary is crossed." One controls the other person; the other controls self.
@@katherineheasley6196, not necessarily. There are plenty of people who just don't want to discuss anything or fix anything and will completely shut down any conversations you're trying to have with them. They call it their boundaries, but it's indeed their way of controlling the other person. They just want everything to go their way with no conflict and no discussion about anything other than what they want to discuss. The advice that this guy is giving could just as easily be used in a negative way because the person will basically use anything as a boundary to avoid discussing anything they don't want to discuss.
@@youtubesucks898
I think the difference is actually discussing it. I had an ex friend who did exactly as you described after telling me everything was ok only for me to find out 2 weeks later that she had talked behind my back and ghosted me which was one of my boundaries that I had laid out for her in that conversation. My issue was never that she removed herself or needed time, it was that she was given the opportunity to discuss her issues/problems with me- or even text me afterwards to say she needed space, but she instead decided to disrespect and trample on my very clear boundaries in favour of getting something she felt entitled to without even trying to ask for it. If she had asked, things might have gone very differently- and I think she would have been well within her right for space and time to cool down. But she didn’t choose that route, and I was in a headspace where I no longer had patience or much empathy for people who continuously choose to disrespect others but felt entitled to kindness and never ending chances
@@youtubesucks898 unfortunately, that's also true. The only way to deal with those people is to not have a relationship with them anymore, and that gets tricky.
The statement: you are stupid! That's your cue you have defeated a narcissist and they have nothing they can counter with. Stepping away won't really work, because they will just shut down after that. They will give you the silent treatment, ie, emotionally walk away from the disagreement.
MOST Abusive people are Narcissistic, but they can be much more worse than a mere narcissist.
You are better off learning the various behaviors of narcissists, so you can avoid them. Unfortunately, you have to be with a narcissist long enough for them to consider your 'committment' permanent, before they will show you all of their horrible behavior.
The more subtle behaviors: they rarely want to do what you suggest. This will dictate YOU NEEDING TO KEEP SCORE: how many times were you talked out of doing what you suggested?
Can we get fried chicken for supper?
If we are going out, I'd rather have a burger or steak. Can't you get fried chicken at the Steak House?
Well, yes, but it's not as good.
That settles it, we'll go to the Steak House.
And I just deleted a lot of examples, because I remembered this blog.
dumpadapt.blogspot DOT com/2009/05/youve-been-narced.html
I had to break up the link or YT will delete the comment. This can give you real life samples of narcissistic behavior and how it affects YOU.
I've been emotionally abused my entire life, by three families of narcissists. This blog presents their behaviors in real life scenarios, and not just the clinical terms. This blog was one tool to help me realize: I know NPD behaviors on instinct: when I get angry and frustrated from an interaction, that was me recognizing a Narcissist's Manipultion. This Blog provided guidance on how to interact with narcissists.
I really needed to hear this 3 years ago. It took my ex putting her hands on me for me to finally leave her. Unrelenting psychological and verbal abuse.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, I did too and it's permanently scarred and soured me on relationships.
I absolutely loathe being yelled at.
It can be hård for some people to realize that they have gone from normal speech to raising their voice and I will point it out. I will not try having a conversation while being yelled at
Yelling does not motivate me.
Yelling just gives me huge anxiety and i dont even want to be with someone that yells because it just hurts.. like if you really gonna yell, just at least yell out good words and not hurtful words..
I find verbalizing my boundary can lead to both further and heightened conflict. So I don’t actually tell people when the boundary has been breached but I do change the course of my end of the conversation. Over time most people adapt and if they don’t then I will choose a less tense time to address the boundary. With some, this can lead to that particular verbalized boundary being repeatedly tested, that gives me a good idea of wether this individual and I mix well or would be better off not mixing at all.
My so called best friend threw a tantrum when I did not allow her to hold my hand while waking on the street! Mind you I never did that as a child with any of my friends, and being in our 30s felt even more awkward, especially with her husband walking alone next to us 😂😂! Plus we were in Athens in the height of summer…lasat thing I wanted to keep hands together with anybody! She became furious, almost to tears, stomped her feet and did everything possible to ruin the day…she is 100% histrionic and probably narc too! She stopped talking to me after a while…after I set some boundaries that are quite ok for normal people!!
My ex overplayed the boundaries as he never wanted to talk about anything. He would say I need to take a walk or I will explode and get angry (threatens).
So he leaves and for him it’s over. Of course the same issues come up over and over again until it was over for me. Sheer manipulation. It was a leave me alone scenario or I will walk.
Exactly
pretty sure people can be selfish and dress it up as a “boundary”. “You did x so I will leave for an hour and come back willing to discuss this if you stop doing x” sounds a lot like a punishment. doesn’t gain you respect, just fear.
YES!
Thank you for this!! I’ve been struggling with this wondering where I went wrong handling things with an ex. He’d do the same. Walk away angry without saying a word and was “done talking about it” when he’d get back. But I also have a lot of issues around being left alone in such a situation. I know I needed to work on my imperfect response but never got the opportunity because he’d walk away before I could even respond 🤷🏻♀️
My mom exactly plus a ton of other people. It's important for us to notice that what they are trying to pass as a boundary is in fact a wall that will never be permeable and flexible the way that healthy boundaries are.
How do your videos not have hundreds of thousands of views?!! This stuff should be taught in schools.
And in every home
Smile
Took me a half minute to learn boundaries arent just verbal bcuz if explaining doesnt work you have to back up your boundaries with action
yes. that also applies to children, parents, pets.
This is often the hardest part for me. I feel you
Kindness and Respect is key for me... I finally broke it off... the relationship was draining!
The way this guy talks to the camera makes me feel safe and cared for
I feel that this is incredibly important information that every young woman needs to know. If I had only understood this much earlier in my life...😢
This is in the lense of a romantic relationship but very accurate for parenting too. I heard someone say in conversation one time that the reason parents send their children to their rooms is so that they can regroup and discuss when they arent angry. It really made me think, because my mother would get angry and not let us leave to our rooms. We would have to sit there while she threatend to break our most beloved items (i heard her tell my sister one time she was going to take a sledgehammer to the new computer she worked hard to buy), she would namecall, tell us we were the manipulators/gaslighters/abusers, throw stuff, do everything within her power to break us. The difference is when your a kid those laws arent in your favor, and there is no escape.
Some people don't let their children cry.
Same here. And we weren't allowed to express or defend ourselves. That was talking back and subject to punishment. No wonder we all had bad communication skills as adults.
@@lynnebucher6537its tough, im teenager myself but i think whenever a parent just do these kind of acts and things that we know what theyre doing isnt good, i reflect and make myself never forget about it so in the future i wont repeat the same mistakes my parents did to me
This short had me googling about those laws you've mentioned.
The brain has a funny way of downplaying the things you've gone through. You look for where you've messed up and where you could've changed things. You try your best to not just say it was all your ex's fault, to make sure you take responsibility for your own actions.
Then you realize, with a quick google search, that your ex committed the felony of false imprisonment with battery.. multiple times...
Thank you for this short, and all your shorts. It's helped me have some catharsis and better knowledge about what I've gone through.
But also, they have really helped me see where I can work on myself so I don't put this trauma on my future relationships.
every time i come to a comment section of a video like this and read about people's bad experiences i am so glad i chose the single life 5 years ago. life is too short to spend it with aggressive, manipulating partners.
THANK YOU for giving a healthy example of enforcing boundaries. ❤
Just wanted to say your videos are makeing me a more confident man and less of a doormatt ❤
Thank you for giving an example of boundary setting🌻
Exactly. I gave my ex a boundary; you will not beat me up. He did. He shouldn't have been surprised when the Restraining Order for Life was given to him. You have to respect yourself first before anyone else does.
Please tell me his name wasn't Francis Thomas. I found out shortly before we split that his ex Cynthia has a permanent RO on him. Wish I'd known that before I let him into my life. Dude is nuts.
Y’all’s bars are lower than my chances of buying a house one day. How did you grow up thinking being violently assaulted by someone you’re supposed to trust is just one step too bad for you to put up with? What abuse are you still okay with then?
I love your videos. So much wisdom and great examples. I’m still learning at 75.
This guy speaks hard truths precisely & clearly, & with humor. Pretty awesome.
My husband and I have an unwritten boundary around name calling, but we've also agreed that if something somehow ever leads to any type of angry touch (such as a slap, grabbing the other's wrist in an aggressive way, etc.), it's probably gone too far to come back. We have been together nearly 11 years and while things definitely really suck sometimes, we are sure to respect each other by never name calling and never touching out of anger.
Long ago it seems that I would get up and (try to) leave an argument because I needed time to cool off and think. I wasn’t able to verbalize at the particular moment…I’d get accused of running off, which I was doing as a sort of self protective action. thank you so much for helping me to understand that I’d reached a boundary limit but I wasn’t able to say how I felt and what I needed at the moment.
This script he gives is excellent
This reminds me of Johhny Depp and Amber Heard.
Avoidance is not always a boundary limit but an unhealthy coping mechanism that stops communication.
@@jadegreen1554 Only if you refuse to discuss the issue after the cooling off time. If you can't or don't then that is a different situation
My ex would "leave" when we were arguing. Leaving me an emotional reck with the very young children. It was very hard to deal with that. I never got to leave to cool off. I always had to stay and face my responsibilities. He was the only one who got that time.
I am glad I am no longer with him. But now with an alcoholic husband. Living with an addict triggered an autoimmune disease for me. I just can't seem to pick a good man. Ugh.
If and when i divorce, I'll just stay single. I accept my defeat.
Maybe you meed psychological counseling that would strengthen you and find out why you do what you do in your choices of men . Good luck. And yes, s trouble maker isn't worth it your time and energy and your children need protection from those encounters, do they can have peace in their lives too. Good luck in finding the support you need in counseling. Its worth it.
I definitely feel this. You don't get to cool off when they don't let you leave by leaving first or hiding outside so you can't leave because you have small kids that need looked after. That's definitely controlling and manipulation
This I know so well. I actually got triggered by only even reading it. Sad.
Good luck to you!
What about to stay on your own and sort your life for yourself?
Yes, I agree that things get more complicated when somebody can’t leave and take space for whatever reason, that’s a situation where you should try to talk that through with your partner at a less-tense time to find a solution that works for both of you while also accounting for any additional barriers.
Thank you! I was raised by narcissist and as a thirty-something I am just now learning boundaries and figuring it out.
I do this with my grown siblings, if they start to be disrespectful and im getting angry, i say im taking a break until we are both calm and i leave the room
and then come back to the conversation. often, people leave on pretense of a boundary but actually hope to avoid resolving the issue.
Often the conversation topic has no real reason to be discussed barring trying to get me angry so I dont purse the topic of conversation after that. I have childish 39 year old siblings
I agree with you both men and women should have boundaries.
My now husband did that once in the very beginning of our relationship. He's never been close to do that again. My reaction made that clear. So uphold boundaries! Very important!
I’ll never tell a man what he is allowed to do. I’ll only tell him how certain actions make me feel, and what I will accept. He can do what he will with that information.
Every time I set a reasonable boundary with say a narcissist, they backlash until the cows come home.
Then that should tell you all you need to know about that person, and the futility of returning to someone who will only continue to violate your personhood.
The theory of classical conditioning in psychology is that we come back repeatedly to that which makes us feel good, and learn to avoid that which doesn't. Those systems get messed up in situations like addiction and domestic violence. Where the "good" feeling is replaced by something bad but we continue to return for more. It wasn't until I went thru over a year of inpatient and outpatient drug treatment recovery programs-- notably, I took the 12 wk class on boundaries 4 times in a row-- that when I started to get into a relationship with someone who was still using but lying about it, I was able to walk away when my boundaries were repeatedly violated. It took me a minute though, because I was so used to giving in, moving the lines of what I would accept, hoping the promises were real this time (!) so I still stayed longer than I should have. But I was also able to see where in the past I would have doubled down, locking myself in tighter to prove ...idk even, to prove I wasn't wrong? To protect him? The biggest breakthrough came the day his drinking led to him losing his job and his place to live on the same day. The old me, instead of beaking up with him like I had planned, would've stayed and tried to fix it all, to my own detriment. Instead, I broke up w him anyway and didn't feel bad about it. If losing your job, home, and relationship isn't going to push you to get clean-- it so rarely does-- then you weren't ready to change. But I protected me, and 2 yrs later I've kept my serenity by not dating. It's blissfully calm. And what were my magic words? "I'm sorry you feel that way. We can talk when you're sober. Get out of the car. I'm sorry you feel that way."
That's one reason why there is really no effective way to deal with a narcissist. The only thing that works is to end the relationship and go no contact.
❤ "Set Clear Boundaries" is the second of Five Strategies taught by The Virtue's Project. I love how you break it down here... because boundaries, "...it's about me, honouring me..." - is a choice of self empowerment that protects my time & energy! Taking back our power is self-care!!
Thank you so much for explaining this - coming from a person whose boundaries were never respected and now learning to set them
I definitely have a boundary for name calling and yelling. I grew up in that kind of household so I will not continue discussing anything with my partner if they ever did that
Well said! Smart man and your woman is lucky to have you for her man.
My husband actually had to do this to me one time and I really appreciate that he did.
As someone who had to grow up in a narcissistic,no boundary household when I really get mad I will lose my temper and say things I dont mean and swear. Last year we had an arguement and I called him a super innaporpreate swear word, and he immediately stopped the fight and said he would not have the conversarion until I was willing to keep those words out of it.
Its been over a year and havent pushed that line since. I am much more aware of what im saying to him and to other and I am so grateful ❤
“Time out” and “This conversation it over” are good. Thanks.
My husband has grabbed my purse strap when i tried to leave and broke the strap. He says I'm being childish for leaving.
you leave to cool off. SAY OUT LOUD: I'll be back in 30 mins to continue this conversation. I need to gather myself.
SET AT TIME. don't just run off unles you are in physical danger
My ex was like that. That’s abuse. 😢
My ex would do similar things. It wasn’t until my therapist told me it was abuse that I thought it was but she’s right. No one can physically prevent you from leaving. I had to threaten to call the police to get him to let me leave
@@Shannon_Vlogssame here. Threatened to get police involved. He finally let my wrists go, but before that he had trapped me for 30 minutes in a small room while berating me and blocked the exit. Frightening.
That part. Boundaries are for you, not the other person. A lot of people mistakenly think that boundaries are about controlling someone. No, they're about exactly what you said. They're about respecting yourself and controlling the access that you give to other people. My motto nowadays is respect my boundaries or deal with my absence. Those are your choices and this is non-negotiable.
The advice this guy gives will help so many people! I find it depressing to read in the comments how absolutely messed up relationships many people are in. Breaks my heart.
This is great advice even for parents, i imagien saying this to my kiddo and either taking my space outside or something, calmly saying i will be right there when we both can be ready to talk without (name calling, yelling, etc). Or maybe they go to their room until we are able to be calm. I also have to work hard to let my kiddo have their emotions and not invapidate them but try to identify whats going on and whats underneath (usually anger on the top and other things underneath -lack of getting their way). The calmness is the very important part and the communicating and making it clear you arent abandoning or stonewalling but taking a time out to prevent reacting in anger and same for kiddo. Just figuring this stuff out!
People often mistakenly think that someone failing to do or be what they want is a boundaries issue when it’s not. _Your_ boundaries can’t require _other people_ to take additional action. A boundary is what we permit, or allow, to enter into our lives. Not the lives we permit others to enter into. Ppl get this one wrong too often.
You should talk to my ex. He was always talking about everyone overstepping his boundaries. Many of these boundaries he was unable to explain. He basically used it as a filler word to mean "someone did something I didn't like without them knowing. Why can't they read my mind and understand that I don't want this. Now they are responsible for me feeling bad."
His mom was a therapist and he would just use s lot of psychology lingo that didn't mean anything in the context he put it in.
@@Cyhcg5uhgb He is actually not that far off.
People doing things that make you uncomfortable is probably the best way to know that someone has violated a boundary. Not being able to express the boundary is not indicative of no boundary existing.
Its obviously wrong that people need to read his mind, but having boundaries that seem obvious to you violated probably means your values differ to the point that it may be best to just not associate with that person anymore.
I'm listening to this for like 5 minutes
Thank you
This is applicable to EVERY relationship in your life.
We have had this in place always ….. my mum and dad taught me…. No name calling…ever …. Our grown up daughters thank us for this.. it’s one of the best parent lessons ever … so proud of my parents for teaching me this…. They are gone, but there wisdom and legacy lives through this simple boundary
Yep. My husband thinks my boundaries are stupid and he’s entitled to cross them so any time.
That's abuse & you don't have to put up with it friend. You deserve to be treated with kindness & respect, especially by those who claim to love & partner with you. You can get out!
@@szigtema Or you are manipulating the situation without all the information being given. Crying abuse to a boundary without knowing the boundary and simply siding with a vague form of attention seeking is simply asinine and ridiculous.
@Kebutor Or you could ask the OP for clarification, instead of making assumptions.
Tbh, I think there are scenarios where this advice can be weaponized in a really negative way to censor perfectly normal and healthy anger and frustration. My ex would do incredibly careless stupid things that endangered me and sometimes him too. Reckless driving, reckless spending/ impulsive purchases, constantly trying to cheat rules and laws, bringing me to stay with his friend only to find out he was a violent wife beater from his wife and having to see his violent outbursts (not great for me as a trauma survivor), one time he even mistook a plastic bottle of kerosene as water and gave it to me to drink (it was closed and I was thirsty after coming out of a sauna, I just took it without looking and the smell hit me once I’d already started tipping it into my mouth, it basically mildly poisoned me and my body felt disgusting for days, everything did not stop smelling and tasting of kerosene for days too). When I would get mad and in frustration be like “What the hell? Why did you do that?? That was stupid!” You know, after being literally freaking poisoned, or having him risk our financial safety, or whatever - then suddenly I was the bad person somehow… because I had a normal response to recklessness which endangered me… weaponizing boundaries and emotionally censoring a partner’s anger can definitely be abusive in situations where the other partner is actually repeatedly being reckless/ careless/ stupid/ trying to take shortcuts that endanger both of you, and also refuses to do anything to minimize that.
I would reconsider about that water bottle filled with kerosene, it may not have been an innocent mistake. It may well have been intentional. I'm sorry for what you've been through, I hope you're doing better now.
Fantastic statement and extremely helpful to me….. I have been the target for narcissistic rage and it’s absolutely terrifying!
I just froze and I was so scared and confused 🤷♀️
Now I understand what it is and your videos are helpful to give me the power to…. Walk away.
Love how you said… there are laws against abuse!
Thank you!
Oh man, that last bit... Yeah, there were several times where I was physically prevented from leaving and it was always a result of laying down a boundary or needing some space to think and calm down. Even now those memories make me feel very physical emotions and anxiety. Yikes.
Truth‼️thank you for the great explanation that makes it clear I have a right to have boundaries.
I've been a magnet to narcissists. I think this sounds wonderful except that they will lay in wait and ambush you. But I can control my end and I have learned to. This is good advice but be aware of the landmines from a narcissist and their workers
Can you get some examples of landmines?
@@debbiewilder4738 like damaging a relationship with someone you care about when they want to get back at you.
@@debbiewilder4738 they will also create fake scenarios in their heads and then become malicious and do something to purposefully hurt you for the scenario they created in their own head. Anything to destabilize you and keep you confused.
Ah, yes the flying monkies
I've actually had to do this with my parents a few times. Luckily I live on my own, but sometimes disagreements arise and once voices start to rise I tell them I'm going home and will talk to them later on the phone once things calm down.
Our son has traume-induced/triggered BPD (outside the family...omgoing SA and church coverup). Our setting of and maintaining healthy boundaries helped him while protecting us.
But if you're connected to someone you cannot leave, please know that this is still so helpful and necessary. And even if our son had never seemed to benefit, our health would still be better.
I can’t stop watching this one. 😫
The fact people need to talk to others like they're toddler's is when you need to be on your own. Id rather be alone, than wasting time on emotionally immature people
Yeah I dont get why people would ever be voluntarily in a situation where this convo is necessary
@@jaquicx9500 There's too many entitled people walking around, and not enough people with self respect. Doesn't even matter on the type of relationship it is.
@@rhythmisadancer8394 definitely agree. I think a big problem is that no one is stupid enough to get into these relationships, but most are stupid enough that they wont leave due to hope. Its a shame that there are so many toxic ppl that search for victims instead of just fixing themselves.
@@jaquicx9500 It is a shame that emotional intelligence isn't much higher amongst the people walking this Earth
Idk, ever heard of generational trauma??? It's easy to pass judgements when you have the privilege of viewing from the outside.
Appreciate this; I had someone pressure me into setting boundaries for their situational awareness. Personally, I don't operate that way and I basically said what you did here "boundaries aren't for me to set up controls for you, they're for self."
I struggle when I see people professing the need to establish boundaries with other people, emphasizing the need to clearly establish them with the other person, but that isn't how I see them.
To me, it comes down to your levels of patience and tolerance. You don't need to disclose everything upfront. A lot of times the disclosure is circumstantial, not as a gotcha, but as an appropriate time and response.
To me, someone who front loads boundaries demonstrates a bunch of red flags.
My ex would kick me out of her apartment over an argument which she would foment, then a couple times, when I tried to leave, she blocked me at the door.
Yep, definitely abusive!!!
She insulted almost everything about me.
Thats what we try to live and teach the kids in our Kindergarden. Solving conflicts without insulting, without shouting, without threathening... and of course without hurting each other, bodys and feelings. And I tell them often, there are unfortunately many grown up persons who do it wrong as well. Who didnt learn it. That even their own Parents can learn from their kids.
I like this man’s videos; he speaks clearly and calmly about difficult topics. And he gives good instructions.
Jimmy somehow makes me want to become not only a Christian but a commited one. What a great teacher and rôle model. Thank you
Wish I had this guy around 50 years ago....awesome..guess it's never too late to learn
How did you know how my husband acts?!😂 He thinks it bothers me, but I don't take anything he says about me to heart.
Wish videos like this were around when I was young and starting to date. Might even show them to my kids so they don't fall for the traps I did. Wish I knew, I would have noticed the situation I was in the first time he wouldn't let me leave
Thank you for the confirmation about what the boundaries are for. I made a lot of mistakes until I started doing this more and it was so needed. My recovery has depended on it. I am not perfect I have just only recently recognized the fawning response and realized that too was a behavior that was from my past that needed a boundary to what triggered it instead of if some one was overstepping the boundary that protects mutual respect.This is new to me and I am still learning where to draw the line with people who have been narrative to their own advantages and narcissistic toward me.This is something new to me and I am still learning to be firm against anymore abuse against me. This is a process and I have made mistakes.I am not hard on myself because others did this to me to a fault until I learned not to allow it.
My mom had the rule, dont call someone stupid. It was worse than saying fk in my parents house.
My parents had a great relationship. Most of the time
First question: why are you around someone who calls you names in a way that you need to leave the situation? Get permanently away if you’re going to have to keep doing that. Explanation of a boundary needs to show how it stops the behaviour from happening again.
This is how we learn from each other. How we grow. We still care about that person and we also know we aren't a "constant" target. But sometimes we are the closest thing/person to lash out at in a time or moment of stress.
We take a break under either one or both of these observations: either I am not able to maintain objectivity (I do this to protect you) or YOU are not able to maintain objectivity (I do this to protect me). Both are completely recoverable positions. If the abuse is CONSTANT then the relationship needs to be reassessed.
It's the style of speaking that makes one leave the room.....forever.
And just to piggyback off that, someone who is constantly walking away and refusing to participate in a conversation about important matters despite being treated with respect during the discussion is a form of control and not the same thing as this. This short is an example of someone offering a timeout to reconvene when tensions aren't so high, and my example is a person refusing to communicate and trying to control their spouse's ability to share their feelings (I'm sure he could say that more eloquently than I just did, but you get the point😅).
I'm in a relationship and during an argument he calls me stupid. I say, "okay, time out. This relationship is over."
And then I pack and leave.
Lmaooo yessss. I think if people are deep into a relationship it'd be hard to do this though.
Huh? People say things they don't mean all the time when they're angry. Humans make mistakes, and while what you do in a relationship is completely up to you, it is weird AF you'd punish your partner for not being a perfect being.
Because what matters most about whether they are a good partner or not isn't that they don't make mistakes, it's that they apologise, do their best to rectify it, and do their utmost not to do it again.
this is dumb af, if you give up in the first bad argument, it's gonna be real hard to have a long lasting relationship.
people CAN change.
Exactly, even when you are angry, you should always love your partner enough to not insult them.
@@raerohan4241eh..depending if this is the first time being called something, if you have made your boundary clear (I don’t think making it clear is necessary as you shouldn’t be calling your partner any type of names). Yes you can make mistakes but I shouldn’t be on your ass for every same mistake you make while you don’t respect how I feel by continuing the name calling or whatever is the reason for leaving
What happens if they don’t apologize or care that they have crossed the boundaries? What if they are completely content with you leaving and what if they don’t care to discuss things that started the conflict to begin with? They are always winning it seems and not a “we” win.. they just sweep stuff under the rug and don’t care what they have done or to change or adjust things.. you can’t “make” them.. but does that mean you leave them? I don’t want to put up with a one way relationship but I do also love my husband and want to give grace or try.. I feel like a deflated tire and it’s been this way for 8years even with help..
You asked a question so I will give you my opinion. However it's only my opinion. Others may have a different opinion but at the end of the day it's your opinion that counts. Unfortunately I think that you do have to leave him. It's hard when you love him but if he is not willing to discuss it with you then that is disrespectful. I don't know if marriage counseling is available to you. If it is then ask him if he is willing to go. If he decides not to go then he is responsible for ending the marriage. I'm speaking from my own experience. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. I still love him and always will. I am so much happier now. Looking back now I didn't realize how draining the relationship was for me. Whatever you do I wish you the best. You have to decide what is best for you.
A lot of times men won't talk to us. Because they know we won't listen and they're not like us. They don't need to talk about their problems they think about their problems.
If it's something you can't accept then you have to leave...the only person you have control of is you. If he isn't showing the want to change then he won't unfortunately.
@@debbiewilder4738You missed the topic. 🙂
Thank you for the definition and example you gave for a boundary. Sometimes, buzz words become vauge lingo that are hard to put into consciousness and action. I appreciate you, your honesty and humor, and your videos very much. ❤
I have PTSD related to abuse and this really helps. Sometimes, I don't know how to articulate that I don't participate when I feel belittled. This helps me communicate that it's not that I refuse to participate, but I refuse to participate in a discourse in which I feel like I'm less than.
‘I didn’t call you stupid, I called what you said stupid 😏’
Is that supposed to make it better somehow???🤣🤣🤣
It does be like that sometimes, I've said it before, and I've always really meant it: I don't think of you as stupid I think that THIS particular action you made wasn't thought out. But I think you can do better and I'm informing you of what I THINK is less stupid ( which doesn't mean I think it's the right thing by default)
I think that is called "a distinction without a difference", in other words it amounts to the same thing. If your partner can't discuss a problem without becoming abusive, HE'S the problem.
The issue is context.
Just calling someone stupid with no context is probably childish, but so is ignoring the situation and focusing on the word stupid.
"I think you did/said a stupid thing and I think you can do better than that" need not be an insult, but immature people will always hear it as one. Even worse its not just insulting, invariably someone is going to call it abusive.
Listen to the intent and goal behind the statement instead of the words used. No one should have to tell you that you did an oopsie doodle just so you can hear them. You should be able to handle someone you care about being critical of you especially if you did something stupid.
I tried this with a lawyers secretary, I said we're going to try this again, and they never called me back. In fact they dropped me after I tried to set a boundary on how I was going to be treated. This was with Lerner and Rowe and I was a client with them for about 2 years at this point this point and we hadn't even hit the stride of my case yet. Lawyers I tried to hire afterwards said that they hate lawyers that do this kind of practice that leave clients high and dry, and apparently this firm does this quite often.
It is so true, I learned about boundaries at 30 and it's the hardest to do it with parents and family, which just trample whatever boundaries and then leave you ashamed you tried to even have some with them.
Love from Rhode Island, USA! 💜. Thank you for making incredibly warm and educational videos.
Abuse isn't defined based on whether you can leave or not. Sure, abuse often is more likely to happen when the "victim" is "trapped" -usually they are broke or disabled or have no where else to go or no one else to rely on- with the abuser, but abuse is defined by harmful behavior done with harmful intent. It's much, MUCH different than just normal arguing and therapy and establishing boundaries that might need to happen between two people, whether they are family or friend or dating or whatever.
No, intent doesn’t necessarily dictate whether something could be classified as abuse or not, where’d you get that from?
Of course arguing/conflict couldn’t and shouldn’t itself be classified as abuse, but not *allowing* your partner to leave when they feel disrespected (for any reason, really, even if their reason for leaving genuinely is irrational, you don’t have the right to *make* them stay…) definitely could…
It's difficult to find someone who's on board with communicating this way. Thanks for all your content!!
I have a family members who never respects my boundaries. I'm still working on recognizing and step up for my boundaries. It's quite hard because every time I try to get away from a situation that makes me emotional I get called childish and get the full blame on anything. There is not much I can do about that family member because they are manipulative and it's always like walking on eggshells around them and people fall for it because it's easier to put all the blame on me then taking a look of the entire picture
Watching your videos actually made me realize how toxic is my relationship with my stepdad. There's many things making it hard for me to move out, including the culture of where I live and autism, and many things made me realize that my stepdad fits into the narcissistic parent category. ESPECIALLY with your videos, turns out he fills almost every single check.
When you mentioned the part about your partner not letting you leave an argument, that hit really close to home, recently something exactly like that happened with my stepdad. Thanks for making helpful and eye-opening content ❤
I wish you could lecture at high schools, the earlier age we can impress on people how to discuss respectfully, the easier your life will be. Kindness is a very under. rated life skills.
Partner...family member...
Start where you are, and thanks for the clear and cogent counsel, Jimmy.
I love the solid examples! So much of psychology/relationship content is abstract. They always say what to do but dont show how to do it.
He’s speaking my language with where I am right now in my life. Glad I found your channel. Got a new subscriber.
My brother and SIL recorded a fun children's song for their 1,5 y/o on boundaries and keeping secrets (esp. being asked to keep something from your parents) and it plays with all the other usual children's songs. She is already so good at setting boundaries (like don't touch me, saying STOP to my dog when he comes too close, etc). That's especially heartwarming since my brother and I never learned that and SIL taught him in their relationship, they're both heroes in my eyes ❤
We owe each other kindness and respect but none of us deserves it.
He’s so right. At any point in a relationship, never tolerate being disrespected, like name-calling. It will get worse.
Thank you for the clear example of what a boundary is. I know someone (mostly through a close friend) who uses boundries as an excuse to not talk about important things when they need to be discussed. Not being comfortable talking about certain things no matter the timing, because then she would have to do some serious self reflection regarding her recent behavior, is not the same as a boundary. A boundry is not to be used to avoid hard conversations that need to be had, but to make sure everyone is playing fair in a conversation.
This is applicable to children as well! Say you’re trying to have a respectful conversation with a young child or young adult, the minute they start yelling or also name calling, you call time out 🚫and explain WHY you are removing yourself (or them if sending them to their room) to revisit that conversation at a later time when they’ve calmed down. It’s okay to be angry and FEEL anger; it is not okay to act or speak from that feeling. This is how we teach anger-management, accountability, and respect to our children. Not by allowing it, partake in those disrespectful conversations, or by suppressing or invalidating their feelings and emotions. It’s ok to feel those emotions, we just have to help them learn how to express them in a healthy way.