I agree! My ex had me going NUTS! He would never ever take accountability for his actions, ever, and would always point it back to me smh!! I’ve apologized and took accountability even when he was to blame. It was horrible mental and emotional abuse! He would never want to talk about our problems and would just want to wake up supposedly positive.. but problems would be stacking and I would be left with distrust everytime. He’s left for 6 days at first, then 3 days, and now to this one 8 days, the last times I would feel guilty and would fix things. But this time.. 8 days..and counting, plus the WAY he did it! He abandoned me and my kids JUST like his father did him and his family. Got someone to take him to his second car that was parked at my house while I was working from home and left! Smh! I’m DONE!!! It hurts so bad.. especially for my kids, they loved him and everyone thought we he was the one too because of how charming he was. Now I’m left with this abandonment, an engagement ring, a wedding dress, and soo much hurt for my kids and me since they have also been abandoned by their own father. This is indescribable and I hope we heal soon. I truly don’t wish this on anyone!
1. “ALL” my exes are crazy 2. “love” at first sight 3. they use speed as a weapon (try to move you faster than you’re ready for) 4. talk about moving in together in less than a month of knowing them 5. try to isolate you from your friends, family, community, support system (or shows no interest in them)
My bf. Later husband, used to say intelligent ppl talk slowly. Interesting and probably true. Maybe they are making 2 points in one sentence and not simple minded. Yet that guy may be a narc and probably was raised by one.
My narcissistic ex husband told me A LOT about his childhood, but looking back it was to make me feel sorry for him and what everyone else in the world put him through.
Interesting, considering I`m not one and my childhood really sucked ass and I don´t mean spending time out´s in a corner, however I wouldn´t be keen talking about it and if they would ask I would be really brief about it and move on...Also remember childhoods are a past thing, personally I wouldn´t let someone´s past affect me if I wasn´t in the picture. I would ask them , "what does your childhood have to do with being around other adults/me?" ...
@@Proposal12 , not so interesting because neither one of us were adults when we began. I don’t know about others, but we were teens and got married later on. When you’re younger, you have nothing much to actually talk about besides what’s going on around you which is still your childhood.
@@MentalHealness How do they learn or know how to do these things like it´s all planned out etc can you throw a narc off by questioning them integration wise, open ended so they can´t answer back with yes or no´s and bombard them with one after another? ...
Don’t even try to win up against in narcissist they are too good you will lose! Cut your losses dude no contact and get out and run as fast as you can just get away from them
@@laminateable I have by mirroring that person, once i found out and she approached me and tried after being with my narc/BP ex and that´s what I did if they said something i would just say the last sentence back to them and look at them...I already went through hell
I met my ex-narc on Zoosk, a dating app. After we went on our first date, he literally wanted to text, talk, see me every waking moment. I met his mother that same week and we saw eachother so much that I was basically living in his new home that same week! Moving fast is definitely a RED FLAG and part of the LOVE BOMBING!
Yikes. I admit I've fallen for some love bombing, but never that fast. When I was young and recognized it was just infatuation, then maybe. Not trying to shame you or anything, because we've all been there, but that guy must have had such low impulse control. His mask must of slipped up real fast.
They may tell some stuff that sounds like they’re confiding in you but they will stop sharing their “secrets” once you start divulging your secrets, but you wouldn’t notice.
And proceed to use it all against you. That was one of the straws that broke the camel's back. Literally kept a list of things I wish I hadn't said after I'd said it. After I'd crossed the last one off (and obviously got better at not sharing) I realized I'd only ever be able to talk about the weather. You'd think it would be all the abuse (and that definitely brought me to the edge.) Why stay with someone like that...?
A huge red flag is triangulating. If they flirt blatantly to get a reaction, run. And, yes, they will have a tremendous amount of social media accounts and several email addresses. Or, they will ask if they are the best at something. They have to be the best.
Yeah he had deleted his original Instagram account and then made a couple of fake accounts and followed me and interacted with me through those accounts
A self aware narcissist who's trying to be a better human being... this is something I have never ever seen before. Nor did I expect to witness this in my lifetime. Amazing! 🙌👏👏👏
The best way to find out if you´re dealing with a narc is to ask them a question that requires a form of empathy ....saves you a lot of headache and time
@@drwho9319 a narc knows how to tell you what you want to hear. You would have to see how they behave in a relationship situation that requires empathy. Watch actions. If you just present a spoken situation, they will give you the answer you seek to that question
@@achiengnyawade8540 Public or private doesn´t matter, if you don´t know what I meant as the other person asked me to share "how to" , then you missed the point of my post. I never said answer ...It´s not a Q & A with them...
For those of us who got duped by a narc... Its important for us to admit that the narcissistic side of us loved all the attention from them. We were happy to talk about ourselves for hours and hours without him reciprocating from his own past (or with him saying very little) because we craved someone caring about us like that. We won't get far in our work unless we admit that we have big egoes too. So we don't abuse and manipulate like a narc, we're still similar to him in several key ways.
-get tattoos of your name -say they are the most honest person you know -cards, letters, flowers, phone calls, texts, etc -feeling like he/she is "perfect". It's an act! -the #1 red flag--your gut thinks something is wrong. Run!
Yeah I have a neighbor that told me she was a nice person when we started hanging out. But when she started feeling insecure about stuff, omg, she wasn't nice at all. Nice people don't need to proclaim that they are nice people. They just are.
@@MentalHealness thats the first thing my ex narc said all ex was crazy. Smh. But I said to him but what did u do . Of course I didn't believe that at all
@@MentalHealness his ex hated him but I did want to talk to her to see what happened bc I didn't believe him at all. I believe he did to her everything he did to me
My ex talked for hours about his life the day I met him. I thought he was being so open with me. It turns out he lied about every single thing he told me-name, age, occupation, family...
Same here, he lied about big things and small, not everything, many thing were true but that they can lie while looking in your eyes and smile..Its eery.
Appears out of thin air, move very fast, take you to bed even faster, isolating you always taking trash about your family & friends, taking up your time. You never know them because you're always talking they're silent studying you. Giving you the world then stops. Be aware be open to options. You have options. Don't put up with crap. Enjoy your own company
I’m the type that always asks a lot of questions…I just need to listen to the answers better. Early on “The Narcissist” I dealt with was talking to me about his past relationships and he said, “They all end up hating me in the end. I’m always the bad guy!” Now I know why!
2 things I’d like to add..:: My ex narc said only good things about his exes . He said he was friends with all of them just to play the good guy card . Came to find out a few of them have him blocked . Also … the fact that a narc is so quick to introduce the friends and family to the victim, makes the victim feel that they are getting to know each other so the victim doesn’t pay too much attention to what the narc says .
@@blesstaylor3499 you introduced to everyone till you start avoiding them. Anytime we were on a call and he was with someone,I had to know that person. It felt weird because he started demanding that I do the same,introduce him to everyone. You dont want to know how bad it ended for me,I felt guilty and stupid for weeks,asking why I fucked up such a good open relationship,then I came to RUclips and the feeling changed to a very depressed spirit,how could I let him do that!
My narc slow walked our realtionship for so long that I was in marathon for which i had to keep working for their love and then he would move the goalpost.
There's also the opposite 🚩 , when they talk about themselves all the time and YOU are getting to know them, BUT they know nothing about you 2 years later, because they are simply not interested in your inner life, only superficial conversations
For me, he asked all about me at the very start (I know now he was hunting info to use against me later)...but once we were established as a couple, it was one-sided from that moment on to where alllllll he ever talked about was himself, his life, his day, his needs, his plans, me me me me me, bla bla bla bla bla, til I could die of boredom. He was/is SOOOO SELF-CENTERED. I once asked him, "Why don't you ever ask me about my day?" He was just a blank. I think he said something like, "I guess I just never think to ask" God he was in love with the sound of his own voice. Talking about himself, of course.🙄😖
Same happened to me. I would sit and listen to him for hours about every thought he had-and any time I wanted to talk, he just didn’t care. I tried to tell him a funny story that happened to me and he flat out told me nobody cared. If we were talking on the phone and I started to talk about my feelings, he’d abruptly say he had to go or change the subject. So frustrating and disheartening. Glad it’s over.
2nd point you made about the narc not giving enough info, I actually think some narcs share their entire life story as part of the love bombing process. To make you trust them, build the trauma bond, make the relationship move faster. That was my experience at least.
They share what they want you to know and go in great detail with those stories. Now ask them something on another topic and watch the resentment/frustration/annoyance/ demon spirit show up that you asked them something they don’t want to answer.
Bingo! The guy I dated for a bit did, and I immediately, unconsciously picked up on it because I stayed neutral--didn't react, didn't console--which is totally unlike me when someone GENUINELY opens up in that way.
"Did you make them crazy?" THAT right there is a great question I never thought to ask my ex-narcissist boyfriend when he told me all his exes were crazy. Wow. Wish I had asked that of him.
Red flag1: “people always misunderstand me” Red flag2: “talk about their ex’s being the worst person to them” Red flag3: you dont schedule dates and activities but they do, their time, their availability, their call Red flag4: introduce you to everyone mad fast
100% you dont schedule dates and activities but they do, their time, their availability, their call. Mine also re-scheduled. HE wasn't cancelling, just re-scheduling. But yes.
4 I agree. This guy sending me pictures of him and relatives. I’m like wtf is he sending me pics of family I plan to never meet because I’m not interested. Not to mention he keeps using the word “MY” Shay. I’m not a possession or property.
Id say you’re less likely to get any empathy from the family. They’ve seen the narc cycle through relationship after relationship and don’t suspect a thing. When you as a victim call it out (because they introduced you rather quickly to make you feel falsely comfortable) the family pretends they’re deaf
''People have to earn the benefit of the doubt.'' That's some WISE, WISE words. You know, I still don't know my mother & I've lived with her for most of my life (the trauma caused severe auto immune diseases so, bedridden, can't escape, perfect supply) and I'm 42!!!! I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS!!!! This is SUCH QUALITY INFORMATION right here. Thanks SO much for this channel.
The red blanket red shirt red hat shit was mad funny, but the “you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person” thing? Man, that is profound. Thank u sir.
@@MentalHealness Do the narc know that though. That they messed up a beautiful awesome thing...Why run a great thing that support and care away esp if they Great Backbone!! Curious..Do they wanna be alone???.I'm confused but thanks great info
My ex loved to punish me if I tried to put up any kind of boundaries. If I said babe let’s slow things down a bit I feel like we are moving too fast.. his respond would be oh you think we moving fast? Ok yea let’s slow down then. Then I would be given an extremely lengthy silent treatment...
I love watching how people handle my "no". If they don't handle it well you really are better off without them. It is a great way to wed through all the bad ones out there!
Mine would change his mind about anything he had offered to do,while staying really calm and loving. He was well off,dangled financial help in my face throughout till he discarded me for asking him to not be too all over my friends,they were getting uncomfortable with his flirtatiousness and inserting himself in conversations he knew nothing about. Funny because he constantly accused me of flirting online,even blocked me a while. I am glad things happened the way they did because God knows I would still be trying to earn his approval,love,niceness and money. I am even feeling victorious knowing he will never try to come back because I stretched him so thin that he snapped and came out well with the insults and threats. Knowing him,that is sth he never would have done if I kept being nonconfrontational. I have been watching these videos and know now he would have come back if the next relationship failed had I not pushed him to go full on hate and rage like that. And I would have taken him back,thankful the greatest love of my life chose me and wanted to work things out. I thought I had lost initially,mahn I won!
I had a love bomber that kept love bombing and love bombing and I held my ground. He wasn't very patient when I asked for him to slow it down and accused me of pushing him away. I had only been on one date with him up until this point and (although he wanted to get married soon) he wanted to speed things up and I found this uncomfortable. The boundaries were still there and soon he got tired and stop talking to me. I figure boundaries are like repellent to a narcissistic person.
Also all their exes have personality disorders and are “broken” in some way. If you discard them, you will also have a disorder, according to their diagnosis
When they say I usually am not comfortable around many women, but I feel comfortable with you after only 2 weeks. Slick. Oh yeah he wanted to meet my parents after 2-3 months and then persuading me to go to college out of state after only 5-6 months. That’s fast. 27 years later I’m exhausted, more than I was before I met him. And that’s saying a lot because childhood was also exhausting from these narcissistic parents and brothers. Listen to this man! And listen to your gut feeling. I was caught up with a covert one. The devil knew I would not put up with an overt one.
Its a trip to hell to get rid of these malevolent narcs. Lying, controlling, thieves, chaotic parasites..trails of hell are their secret lifestyle. They are always "victims" make the new supply pitty them, but they are next, already in a dark pit unbeknownst to you. Educate yourself and RUN!!!!
You make a great point about giving people the benefit of the doubt. I did that repeatedly in my most recent relationship until my friend pulled me aside and explained you don't actually need to give people the benefit of the doubt to be a good person. If anything, unreservedly giving people the benefit of the doubt is more likely to enable continuous narcissistic abuse because it communicates to the narcissist that you'll just forgive them no matter what.
Idk about the ones you know with this but I would say I am a fearful avoidant attachment style and thankfully am able to be aware if someone is actually "too needy and insecure" vs me being fearful of getting close due to a fear of abandonment. I've always been very self aware tht tht issue was with me and not them thankfully.
lived with my for 6 years before marrying him, then slowly mask came off, married 12 years, was hell at times, horrible parent, lazy disrespectful spouse.
Well we talked for a month on the pc then I asked her out. She said yes. Talked 3 months on the phone said we loved each other. Kept talking another 3 months so 6 total. She took a bus to see me, and after 7 days wanted to stay and move in w me. I agreed. Was so happy. It's was a full blown thing for 13 years..discarded in April. Been 2 months now.. 😔
@@myGodmycreator hey thanks, about 3 months now NC, I "guess" it's a little better than when I made this post. I'm definitely doing that and learning alot more about narcissisim. I watched the Sam Vaknin video on how he experiences his narcissisim and omg it was so sad. 😔 I felt so bad for him. I wonder if mental my ex experiences life like that as well. If so, wow. I'd definitely take her back, and do things way differently. Now that I underatand what's going on, it'd help me process things so much easier. If I can go 13 yrs the way I was, I'm sure I can go longer with what I know now. Since I didn't know, I was taking things sorta personal. When I found out in March what she is, that last "talk" per se didn't reply affect me that much and I think she may have noticed. That video was just... Geez. If he was faking, props to him. But he's a professor, his credibility since 1995 is on the line. I don't think he'd jeopardize that for 1 youtube video. Definitely worth a watch. 😔
I am thankful that I learned all of this +although I learned them the hard way!) The next guy didn't last long because he tried to pull some of the same BS my ex did and I literally felt it! I knew he was stonewalling me just by how I felt around him.
One red flag I missed was early on just about a week into dating we went on a date and went back to his place to watch a movie and he was changing the furnace filter (we had to stop and get) and the filter didn't fit and he had a complete breakdown in front of me. Throwing things, cussing, etc...I got scared and went upstairs and he followed me up and said "Oh you're just gonna get mad and leave now?" and I told him that he was scaring me then he just brushed it aside like sometimes he just has anger issues and regrouped himself pretty quickly, but I think he was testing me early on to see how much I would tolerate, too. And I think to some degree it was done subconsciously on his part, but normal people are usually on their best behavior and don't want anyone to see that side of them in the beginning, but I don't think he could control himself and his narcissistic rage. I wish I had trusted my gut and left that night. Would have saved me from a lot of heartache down the road. I can tell you this much I will never tolerate that in another human being again. BTW, I was with a more overt narcissist. They typically don't love bomb you all that hard and and they never try to get to know you at all and they don't answer any questions you have on their behalf either. I remember one time him telling me how well he knew me and I just laughed and said you never tried to get to know me at all.
Wow! My situation was SO SIMILAR. He blew up at me because I wouldn't give him a kiss--only 6 hours into knowing him. I mean went off for almost a good minute or two yelling, calling me "out of touch". And when I asked him why he felt so entitled to a kiss from me, wrong question. It was like I had just asked him the stupidest question of all time and it sent him raging even more. Then in a split second, he just gathered himself and walked away calm like a switch had flipped. It was scary, because I'd never experienced ANYTHING like that before. You are so right, I will never, ever tolerate that from someone ever again. I don't care how good he looks, how much chemistry there is, whatever. Dealing with him taught me that if EVER someone blows up like that again to get the hell out of there and NEVER look back.
@@OliviaOsueke I think in the beginning there were times I never took him seriously and him seriously and thought most of the time he was just joking but boy was I wrong.
How this seems like my story except he was upset his computer wasn’t setting up correctly, and he had a meltdown. But you’re right he would never ask me questions but would talk about himself constantly..
@@tmichele8922I know exactly what you mean. I knew nothing about the disorder at all so I excused him as being "quirky" and I laughed at most of it in the beginning. I was always such a laid back person and now I feel I will never be that way again. I've had anxiety for 3 years now and it's not getting any better.
I commend you for doing this work. A lot of comments I have seen say you get narc supply doing these videos. I think that if that’s a part of how you function, that channeling that energy into something that not only is not damaging people, but ultimately is constructive and helps all concerned parties is a pretty good compromise. What’s the alternative? A lifetime of abusing others? Thank you. 💛
You are exactly right! Especially if they are highly “successful” and in sales! The moving fast, you referred to is not expressed as you just did, so thank you.
This applies to non romantic relationships too. My sister sets off most of these flags. She tries to become someone’s best friends as soon as she meets them. She’s very pushy and wants to speed how you interact with each other so quickly and gets upset when you tell her to chill out. After you set your boundaries, she deems that as a slight against her and starts to triangulate. She sends her flying monkeys to complete her smear campaign.
My narc fails on #2. He never wanted to know anything , especially anything of depth about me. I start talking about my interests, dreams, and desires he wasn’t even looking at me, either looking at the tv or looking at the floor. Him talking about anything concerning him? He wanted and took your entire attention. He had no interest in anything around him unless he was the center of it. Very self-absorbed narcissist.
Funny I reframed from sharing at the beginning. My ex was like “I’m having a hard time reading you, I usually have a good read on people but I can’t figure you out, I’m trying to figure out if your crazy”
My ex used to say shit like this too! He always said I was different bc he couldn't read me and he could easily read other people. Later he used that to help "prove" I'm the narcissist, not him. 🙄
Number 2 - case closed. My ex-fiancé refused to let me in on her past...gave me, at most, bare minimum details. Never opened up about her traumas, what happened, etc. And yes, she was the type to say all of her exes were shit.
OMG! Young man YOU are hilarious! I am 51 years old and lost myself with a narcissist. 19 years...I look back and I see how he went through every stage of what a narcissist does to their victims. I saw red flags, but I ignored them because he had me questioning my own sanity. NOTHING was EVER his fault. He wasn't violent, but I watched, as he would go into these rages and smear campaigns against others, until just a few years ago, the tables turned on me. I finally went no contact... for good! I am healing. Thanks for all your content. It has been refreshing, informative, and entertaining. And kudos to you for loving yourself enough to get the help you know you needed.
You certainly can love! Thanks for sharing all this with us. I have two daughters and like to talk to them about all these red flags. Will now be sharingnyour videos with them. Again thank you for sharing your life with us. 🫂❤
I was never the problem in any of my previous relationships and that's facts and most of them were crazy. I guess we all have red flags but not everybody is a liar. So take your time to get to know somebody.
It may not be that everyone is a liar, they genuinely believe they were never the problem in their previous relationships. If one ends up in the same type of relationships over and over again they need healing. They also need to take their accountability for their actions, of lack of in the relationship with the "crazy" person. Lack of boundaries, allowing bad behavior... why? Lack of self esteem? Prior abuse? Comfortably uncomfortable in toxic relationships? Time to self reflect and heal is key to ending the cycles of abuse. 🧡💜
Red Flags can also be the way they disrespectfully speak to the waiter or others around you. He wore the same thing every day - a scowl + the jeans I bought him. I broke up with him + bought a condo in the next town over. He finds me no matter where I go + he finds out my new phone number every time. I just don’t get it. He broke up my marriage by telling him we’ve been having an affair. We weren’t. My ex-husband was so insecure, he believed the narc over me. This stalking has been going on for 15+ years - forget about law enforcement. You are pretty much alone. The narc is a mean + sadistic person who will never change. Thank you for sharing!!
In my experience they worked super fast on my family and friends near the start.... so when I tried to speak to friends or family about red flags ...they were already on his side...."hes amazing.... you deserve this...just enjoy it.... you've found the one....stop questioning everything... you're too paranoid.... you're looking for problems...." etc 😩😩😩😩😩
Thank you for this great advice, I am guilty of ignoring all of the mentioned "red flags" unfortunately but.... now that I know more... I will relearn, change my own conditioning and do better. I did not know that narcissistic disorder is a thing until I found out the hard way. One other form of communication a narcissist chooses is using different phone numbers..... The "moving fast" has to do with neural programming setting oneself up to be the reason for the other's distribution of feel-good hormones... very addictive, a kind of enslavement, mentally, emotionally.
Your right we have to guard are hearts stop being so trusting . I wish I would have found this channel back in 2014. It’s healing with my relationship with the narc . That statement true I feel like I don’t know him or the person I thought ..nine years .
Thanks be to God, my narcissist lived in another state. My personality has a violent side. I literally was going to kill him. At times, his lying and manipulation had me very angry . He was a bible reader and claimed he was spiritual, which was his hook to me. So now I know I have to cut him off completely. I still am having a hard time though ,because I'm hoping he'll say something meaningful and truthful ....
Thank you for doing and speaking who you are!!! That inspires me!! I am a codependent and empath. . I have currently gone no contact with the Narc I have been in a relationship on and off for 2 1/2 years. He is Covert and younger than me. I am 60 years old and he woke me up, I had the same gut feeling with him as I did my Father. I did not know my Father was a Narcissist until I met my Narcissist. I had all the red flags. But, I never bought the “I love You” on our second date🤦♀️. I left him once with no contact for 3 month. Then felt strong enough to talk with him again. It has been down hill from there. He where’s his mask so well, and everyone loves him. I stood alone in this relationship. I researched Narcissism and found many RUclips channels on this. I have taken the first step to heal me. Thank you again. I am proud of you and you family!!!
You do not take snake into your house as free roaming pet after you read books about snakes, don't you? You will be always vulnerable towards him until you die. It's fact.
Dang! Talk about moving fast! My ex husband and I got married on our 8 month anniversary. We got divorced because he chose to leave. He couldn’t give me a valid reason why he was leaving either. All I ever got was excuses. And throughout the divorce, he proceeded to use the marital status as a way to get himself stuff without my permission. I always noticed that he only kept people close because they benefitted him in some way, but I always thought I was exempt because I was his wife. Boy was I WRONG! I believe the only true thing he said to me was that he wasn’t getting what he wanted out of the marriage as if I’m a business transaction. He ended up cheating on me while we were separated, she got pregnant, AND they got married 4 months later which was 31 days after our divorce was finalized. So, I’m not worried lol he has shown who he really is. That isn’t something I miss.
Sounds so much like my situation. And, like you, I also noticed the way he only got close to people if he benefitted somehow, or if he needed something from them...otherwise it was outta sight, outta mind. He pulled people in and out of his life as he needed them for something--even his own mother and grandma. He was so selfish and shallow.
There’s a difference between someone having Npd but still having a good heart ..to one having Npd and an evil heart . You have a good heart , and you don’t use your high intelligence for evil obviously ❣️ this one guy I know does ...
My Narc told me when I asked life questions to sit and observe. He couldn’t answer I needed to see what his answers were over time by watching his actions. WTF?! He would refuse to answer. now I know he didn’t know what to say ( what I wanted to hear) so he was silent!
Mr. Lee Hammock. Thank you so much for posting this and other powerful videos about NPD. This video truly hits home. I appreciate your stern look, when you warn us to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt, that benefits need to be earned. Your videos are helping me to heal and realize the changes I need to make to protect myself. I also appreciate all the red flags you presented, especially when you tell us "Speed is the narcissists weapon." When you talk about speed, I think of eagles who zone in on their target, then quickly swoops down to catch it's prey. You are teaching us how to avoid being caught in the eagle's beak. And if we do get caught, you're teaching us how to escape, and prevent future captivity. A red flag I've experienced, is at the beginning of a relationship, the narc was too much of an open book. They shared personal info, that would perhaps make a empath cry or feel sorry for them. Being privy to another person's struggles made me feel "special." After the narc saw I was empathetic, I was love bombed, used, discarded then hoovered. I went NO CONTACT, and will remain NO CONTACT, which is helping me to heal and grow into a healthly person. Blessings to you and your beautiful family. Keep up the excellent work you're doing Mr. Hammock!!! 😆
The first thing I noticed was this was a give and take relationship I did all the giving and he did all the taking.On the second date he asked me to sell my house and move in with him.How crazy was that?
I am so glad that you were call to do this so people can have a better understanding of the conditions and to know to be careful when entering into a relationship
Love you Lee, and I mean it & I'm not a narcissist. You are smart and funny. I learn something new from you often, despite the fact that I've been with a narcissist for a long, long time! And, I think back and think, oh that's why he was doing that... emailing me instead of texting me when he always did text. He didn't want some chick to see that he was texting me. I love your info & humor ...funny as hell. Thank you! ♥️
I'd say it can take longer than 90 days to really get to know someone. I've gone out with a couple of guys who didn't show their true colors until about the one year mark.
I wish I know this 8 years ago when I met my daughter’s father now the only thing I know how evil he is because I kick him out and put a restraining order against him.
They’ll tell you a lot about themselves to make you feel comfortable with divulging your information. Then, they’ll hit you with the “I don’t want to keep secrets” from you. He was also speedy Gonzales with a “I’m looking for a wife” narc starter kit for EVERY woman he meets. 😩 He was a boundary breaking ninja!!! Thank God I got out early. Early release is the biggest blessing other than avoiding them altogether.
So friggin true!! At least your a real man and can admit it! My ex denies it!! The SOB needs help. He doesn't know how to love, or show love, just says it. Lies and cheats. Love bomber, gas lighter.
Just stopping by to tell u thank you n I’m still striving n loving me.. I’m so educated and aware.. still taking time wit me! U are ALWAYS speaking da truth 💯❤️💯❤️
![Kodak Black - Catch Fire [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/A4ch-olIuZo/mqdefault.jpg)
Another big red flag, inability to apologise! Instead they flip the script and you end up apologising to them!
💯💯💯
I agree! My ex had me going NUTS! He would never ever take accountability for his actions, ever, and would always point it back to me smh!! I’ve apologized and took accountability even when he was to blame. It was horrible mental and emotional abuse! He would never want to talk about our problems and would just want to wake up supposedly positive.. but problems would be stacking and I would be left with distrust everytime. He’s left for 6 days at first, then 3 days, and now to this one 8 days, the last times I would feel guilty and would fix things. But this time.. 8 days..and counting, plus the WAY he did it! He abandoned me and my kids JUST like his father did him and his family. Got someone to take him to his second car that was parked at my house while I was working from home and left! Smh! I’m DONE!!! It hurts so bad.. especially for my kids, they loved him and everyone thought we he was the one too because of how charming he was. Now I’m left with this abandonment, an engagement ring, a wedding dress, and soo much hurt for my kids and me since they have also been abandoned by their own father. This is indescribable and I hope we heal soon. I truly don’t wish this on anyone!
Yessiiir
Right...
I literally had to BEG for an apology
1. “ALL” my exes are crazy
2. “love” at first sight
3. they use speed as a weapon (try to move you faster than you’re ready for)
4. talk about moving in together in less than a month of knowing them
5. try to isolate you from your friends, family, community, support system (or shows no interest in them)
Thanks!👍🏽
Meghan Markle….
Then they deny that you had any kind of relationship
Yep, all that "negative outside influence" 🙄🙄
That isolation part is on point. They want to be the only one you can turn to in hard times
Thx Sarah.
"Speed is the weapon of a narcissist." Yep!
💪🏽
My bf tells me I need to talk faster because he processes information fast.
My bf. Later husband, used to say intelligent ppl talk slowly. Interesting and probably true. Maybe they are making 2 points in one sentence and not simple minded. Yet that guy may be a narc and probably was raised by one.
So true!
✅ Smdh
My narcissistic ex husband told me A LOT about his childhood, but looking back it was to make me feel sorry for him and what everyone else in the world put him through.
Yes!! Emotionally guilt tripped me into sticking around longer because of how "terrible" his childhood was.
OMG! classic
He was a covert then, they play the victim. Coverts are the absolute worst because you dont see them coming.
Interesting, considering I`m not one and my childhood really sucked ass and I don´t mean spending time out´s in a corner, however I wouldn´t be keen talking about it and if they would ask I would be really brief about it and move on...Also remember childhoods are a past thing, personally I wouldn´t let someone´s past affect me if I wasn´t in the picture. I would ask them , "what does your childhood have to do with being around other adults/me?" ...
@@Proposal12 , not so interesting because neither one of us were adults when we began. I don’t know about others, but we were teens and got married later on. When you’re younger, you have nothing much to actually talk about besides what’s going on around you which is still your childhood.
Narcissist holds a PhD in manipulation
some do
Received a degree in clown school, for sure!!
@@MentalHealness How do they learn or know how to do these things like it´s all planned out etc can you throw a narc off by questioning them integration wise, open ended so they can´t answer back with yes or no´s and bombard them with one after another? ...
Don’t even try to win up against in narcissist they are too good you will lose! Cut your losses dude no contact and get out and run as fast as you can just get away from them
@@laminateable I have by mirroring that person, once i found out and she approached me and tried after being with my narc/BP ex and that´s what I did if they said something i would just say the last sentence back to them and look at them...I already went through hell
I met my ex-narc on Zoosk, a dating app. After we went on our first date, he literally wanted to text, talk, see me every waking moment. I met his mother that same week and we saw eachother so much that I was basically living in his new home that same week! Moving fast is definitely a RED FLAG and part of the LOVE BOMBING!
Yikes. I admit I've fallen for some love bombing, but never that fast. When I was young and recognized it was just infatuation, then maybe. Not trying to shame you or anything, because we've all been there, but that guy must have had such low impulse control. His mask must of slipped up real fast.
Choose yourself, because the narcissist never will. 🥰 ❤️💪🏻
They may tell some stuff that sounds like they’re confiding in you but they will stop sharing their “secrets” once you start divulging your secrets, but you wouldn’t notice.
💯💯💯
So true
DAMN
And proceed to use it all against you. That was one of the straws that broke the camel's back. Literally kept a list of things I wish I hadn't said after I'd said it. After I'd crossed the last one off (and obviously got better at not sharing) I realized I'd only ever be able to talk about the weather.
You'd think it would be all the abuse (and that definitely brought me to the edge.) Why stay with someone like that...?
‼️‼️
You can't say the wrong thing to the right person..... GOLD!!! 🧡
A huge red flag is triangulating. If they flirt blatantly to get a reaction, run. And, yes, they will have a tremendous amount of social media accounts and several email addresses. Or, they will ask if they are the best at something. They have to be the best.
« You have never felt that way with anyone before me right? »
😅😂😂😂 yup multiple players
👏👏
Them: "I was just trying to see how you'd react, if you were going to act crazy." Other: "Oh no, I wouldn't act crazy." ... testing your boundaries
Yeah he had deleted his original Instagram account and then made a couple of fake accounts and followed me and interacted with me through those accounts
A self aware narcissist who's trying to be a better human being... this is something I have never ever seen before. Nor did I expect to witness this in my lifetime. Amazing! 🙌👏👏👏
The best way to find out if you´re dealing with a narc is to ask them a question that requires a form of empathy ....saves you a lot of headache and time
@@drwho9319 a narc knows how to tell you what you want to hear. You would have to see how they behave in a relationship situation that requires empathy. Watch actions. If you just present a spoken situation, they will give you the answer you seek to that question
No,put them in a situation that calls for empathy and they have nothing to gain,and it is not in public.
@@drwho9319 It is good and effective, and I won´t tell you either , that´s the point of it and I´m sure you can pick up on it...
@@SL-hq9mg Exactly
@@achiengnyawade8540 Public or private doesn´t matter, if you don´t know what I meant as the other person asked me to share "how to" , then you missed the point of my post. I never said answer ...It´s not a Q & A with them...
For those of us who got duped by a narc...
Its important for us to admit that the narcissistic side of us loved all the attention from them. We were happy to talk about ourselves for hours and hours without him reciprocating from his own past (or with him saying very little) because we craved someone caring about us like that.
We won't get far in our work unless we admit that we have big egoes too. So we don't abuse and manipulate like a narc, we're still similar to him in several key ways.
🙏🏽
👏👏
I agree
-get tattoos of your name
-say they are the most honest person you know
-cards, letters, flowers, phone calls, texts, etc
-feeling like he/she is "perfect". It's an act!
-the #1 red flag--your gut thinks something is wrong. Run!
Haha mine has my name over his knuckles! Love it & Leaving this week.
Mine has my name on his arm. Got it the first month we were dating!
Amen❤
Absolutely
When they call themselves “a nice guy” 🚩
HEEEEEEY
Yeah I have a neighbor that told me she was a nice person when we started hanging out. But when she started feeling insecure about stuff, omg, she wasn't nice at all. Nice people don't need to proclaim that they are nice people. They just are.
Thats all my ex narc said . And was the worst I've ever met
@@MentalHealness thats the first thing my ex narc said all ex was crazy. Smh. But I said to him but what did u do . Of course I didn't believe that at all
@@MentalHealness his ex hated him but I did want to talk to her to see what happened bc I didn't believe him at all. I believe he did to her everything he did to me
My ex talked for hours about his life the day I met him. I thought he was being so open with me. It turns out he lied about every single thing he told me-name, age, occupation, family...
Yikes!
Same here, he lied about big things and small, not everything, many thing were true but that they can lie while looking in your eyes and smile..Its eery.
Scary
Mine lied about everything including his parents being dead they're alive and well
@@jessicavalley7469 i feel you... mine killed off his fake twin sister with cervical cancer.. didn't find out until we were pregnant ugh 😑
Appears out of thin air, move very fast, take you to bed even faster, isolating you always taking trash about your family & friends, taking up your time. You never know them because you're always talking they're silent studying you. Giving you the world then stops. Be aware be open to options. You have options. Don't put up with crap. Enjoy your own company
The red flag is number one by moving too fast. Infatuation at 1st sight.
Facts!
I’m the type that always asks a lot of questions…I just need to listen to the answers better.
Early on “The Narcissist” I dealt with was talking to me about his past relationships and he said, “They all end up hating me in the end. I’m always the bad guy!”
Now I know why!
Sounds like my story…Smdh
“No one wants to have my babies when they get to know me!”
Yep story of my life
Heard this line myself
Mine said something similar, "You'll end up leaving me, they all do in the end."
DAMN! I love this channel. I had no idea a narcissist could recover enough to help us all understand your NPD. This is GREAT!
you got it!
2 things I’d like to add..::
My ex narc said only good things about his exes . He said he was friends with all of them just to play the good guy card . Came to find out a few of them have him blocked .
Also … the fact that a narc is so quick to introduce the friends and family to the victim, makes the victim feel that they are getting to know each other so the victim doesn’t pay too much attention to what the narc says .
My ex said he was friends with all his ex’s too.
Spot on
@@blesstaylor3499 you introduced to everyone till you start avoiding them. Anytime we were on a call and he was with someone,I had to know that person. It felt weird because he started demanding that I do the same,introduce him to everyone. You dont want to know how bad it ended for me,I felt guilty and stupid for weeks,asking why I fucked up such a good open relationship,then I came to RUclips and the feeling changed to a very depressed spirit,how could I let him do that!
My narc slow walked our realtionship for so long that I was in marathon for which i had to keep working for their love and then he would move the goalpost.
Same he's friends with them all
There's also the opposite 🚩 , when they talk about themselves all the time and YOU are getting to know them, BUT they know nothing about you 2 years later, because they are simply not interested in your inner life, only superficial conversations
This! And they will tel you about their past over and over again
For me, he asked all about me at the very start (I know now he was hunting info to use against me later)...but once we were established as a couple, it was one-sided from that moment on to where alllllll he ever talked about was himself, his life, his day, his needs, his plans, me me me me me, bla bla bla bla bla, til I could die of boredom. He was/is SOOOO SELF-CENTERED. I once asked him, "Why don't you ever ask me about my day?" He was just a blank. I think he said something like, "I guess I just never think to ask" God he was in love with the sound of his own voice. Talking about himself, of course.🙄😖
Same happened to me. I would sit and listen to him for hours about every thought he had-and any time I wanted to talk, he just didn’t care. I tried to tell him a funny story that happened to me and he flat out told me nobody cared. If we were talking on the phone and I started to talk about my feelings, he’d abruptly say he had to go or change the subject. So frustrating and disheartening. Glad it’s over.
Exactly that!
This describes my ex-narc. He had zero interest in getting to know me. Conversation was all about him or just extremely superficial or non-existent.
He told me "don't try to figure me out, you can't."
Triggered reading this lol.
listening to this hurts so much knowing how much i shared with narcs i the past… 🥺😩
🥺🥺
2nd point you made about the narc not giving enough info, I actually think some narcs share their entire life story as part of the love bombing process. To make you trust them, build the trauma bond, make the relationship move faster. That was my experience at least.
Mine gave me the “poor me” story of his life by the 2nd date, and my em”pathetic” self fell right for it and immediately wanted to rescue him 🙄
They share what they want you to know and go in great detail with those stories. Now ask them something on another topic and watch the resentment/frustration/annoyance/ demon spirit show up that you asked them something they don’t want to answer.
Bingo! The guy I dated for a bit did, and I immediately, unconsciously picked up on it because I stayed neutral--didn't react, didn't console--which is totally unlike me when someone GENUINELY opens up in that way.
@@theresakostrunek7064 em-“pathetic” lol 😂
Me too!
"Did you make them crazy?" THAT right there is a great question I never thought to ask my ex-narcissist boyfriend when he told me all his exes were crazy. Wow. Wish I had asked that of him.
❤️❤️❤️
LOL. He would have denied it and then raged. You already know the answer! Or he picked traumatized people and traumatized them more!
The best thing that I learned when beginning my healing from codependency was there is a BIG difference between being nice and being kind.
You know the craziest thing after telling me how awful his exes were he is still in contact with them…..?? Now that’s crazy 😜
Right! I noticed this as well
you can't say the wrong thing to the right person! words I need to live by , Thank you
Red flag1: “people always misunderstand me”
Red flag2: “talk about their ex’s being the worst person to them”
Red flag3: you dont schedule dates and activities but they do, their time, their availability, their call
Red flag4: introduce you to everyone mad fast
100% you dont schedule dates and activities but they do, their time, their availability, their call. Mine also re-scheduled. HE wasn't cancelling, just re-scheduling. But yes.
4 I agree. This guy sending me pictures of him and relatives. I’m like wtf is he sending me pics of family I plan to never meet because I’m not interested. Not to mention he keeps using the word “MY” Shay. I’m not a possession or property.
2 yes talked about ex and he was already remarried,she made him upset because she called the cops on him something he’ll never forgive.
🚩 when they own family tell you they have “problems” and need mental help smh 🤦♀️
Id say you’re less likely to get any empathy from the family. They’ve seen the narc cycle through relationship after relationship and don’t suspect a thing. When you as a victim call it out (because they introduced you rather quickly to make you feel falsely comfortable) the family pretends they’re deaf
“They are getting to know you. You are not getting to know them.” Preachhhh this man I knew hit every one of these. Jesus.
''People have to earn the benefit of the doubt.'' That's some WISE, WISE words. You know, I still don't know my mother & I've lived with her for most of my life (the trauma caused severe auto immune diseases so, bedridden, can't escape, perfect supply) and I'm 42!!!! I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS!!!!
This is SUCH QUALITY INFORMATION right here. Thanks SO much for this channel.
The red blanket red shirt red hat shit was mad funny, but the “you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person” thing? Man, that is profound. Thank u sir.
I know none of the narc would ever go to therapy so I applaud you for being strong and wanting to be a better person 👏 🙌
Lord I wish I would have know about these red flags when I met my husband.
You have em now
Me too
Don’t we all lol
@@MentalHealness Do the narc know that though. That they messed up a beautiful awesome thing...Why run a great thing that support and care away esp if they Great Backbone!!
Curious..Do they wanna be alone???.I'm confused but thanks great info
@@FreedominChristJesus they want to destroy you.
My ex loved to punish me if I tried to put up any kind of boundaries. If I said babe let’s slow things down a bit I feel like we are moving too fast.. his respond would be oh you think we moving fast? Ok yea let’s slow down then. Then I would be given an extremely lengthy silent treatment...
Woah 🤯
I hate the silent treatment I got that too that’s the worst and that’s probably when they’re cheating!!
I love watching how people handle my "no". If they don't handle it well you really are better off without them. It is a great way to wed through all the bad ones out there!
Saaaaameeeeeeeee 🥺
Mine would change his mind about anything he had offered to do,while staying really calm and loving. He was well off,dangled financial help in my face throughout till he discarded me for asking him to not be too all over my friends,they were getting uncomfortable with his flirtatiousness and inserting himself in conversations he knew nothing about. Funny because he constantly accused me of flirting online,even blocked me a while. I am glad things happened the way they did because God knows I would still be trying to earn his approval,love,niceness and money. I am even feeling victorious knowing he will never try to come back because I stretched him so thin that he snapped and came out well with the insults and threats. Knowing him,that is sth he never would have done if I kept being nonconfrontational. I have been watching these videos and know now he would have come back if the next relationship failed had I not pushed him to go full on hate and rage like that. And I would have taken him back,thankful the greatest love of my life chose me and wanted to work things out. I thought I had lost initially,mahn I won!
I had a love bomber that kept love bombing and love bombing and I held my ground. He wasn't very patient when I asked for him to slow it down and accused me of pushing him away. I had only been on one date with him up until this point and (although he wanted to get married soon) he wanted to speed things up and I found this uncomfortable. The boundaries were still there and soon he got tired and stop talking to me. I figure boundaries are like repellent to a narcissistic person.
Also all their exes have personality disorders and are “broken” in some way. If you discard them, you will also have a disorder, according to their diagnosis
When they say I usually am not comfortable around many women, but I feel comfortable with you after only 2 weeks. Slick. Oh yeah he wanted to meet my parents after 2-3 months and then persuading me to go to college out of state after only 5-6 months. That’s fast. 27 years later I’m exhausted, more than I was before I met him. And that’s saying a lot because childhood was also exhausting from these narcissistic parents and brothers. Listen to this man! And listen to your gut feeling. I was caught up with a covert one. The devil knew I would not put up with an overt one.
Its a trip to hell to get rid of these malevolent narcs. Lying, controlling, thieves, chaotic parasites..trails of hell are their secret lifestyle. They are always "victims" make the new supply pitty them, but they are next, already in a dark pit unbeknownst to you. Educate yourself and RUN!!!!
You can’t run off the right person with a question….
Amen
🎯🎯
You make a great point about giving people the benefit of the doubt. I did that repeatedly in my most recent relationship until my friend pulled me aside and explained you don't actually need to give people the benefit of the doubt to be a good person.
If anything, unreservedly giving people the benefit of the doubt is more likely to enable continuous narcissistic abuse because it communicates to the narcissist that you'll just forgive them no matter what.
When they talk about all of the abuse that they went through as a kid.
🎯🎯
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🤦🏾♀️ I feel sorry for these single folks today. They have their work cut out, but at least they’re informed. Thanks for another good one.
Appreciate it. They really do
@@MentalHealness I have a genuine question, do narcissists ever dislike themselves? Thankyou.
I feel sorry for these married folks today. Their work never ends if they are in a relationship with a narcissist (especially an unaware one).
@@LoveStar333 true
I know too many married friends who get treated like trash and cheated on. Some married men are doing it too. Some are just more stealth than others.
This was confirmation!! Moving entirely TOO fast and I called it out! The love at first sight comment! Ignoring my boundaries! Whew
How to know you're dating someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style : all my exes are needy /insecure.
Idk about the ones you know with this but I would say I am a fearful avoidant attachment style and thankfully am able to be aware if someone is actually "too needy and insecure" vs me being fearful of getting close due to a fear of abandonment. I've always been very self aware tht tht issue was with me and not them thankfully.
Earning the benefit of the doubt is great advisement.
Appreciate it
Red Flag - Wants you to themselves, no room for friends/family/hobbies in the beginning
IMO, 9 months- 1 year mimimum before you can know a person. You need to see them over time, and in a variety of situations to really get to know them.
That’s a great rule to have in place
Exactly. One year is my sweet spot. You can see a person through all four seasons.
Yes. In all seasons
lived with my for 6 years before marrying him, then slowly mask came off, married 12 years, was hell at times, horrible parent, lazy disrespectful spouse.
Grandma said "Don't share deep stuff with ANYONE under 1year of relationship or friendship"
He's really trying his best. And it shows his dedication to bring awareness
Yes Lee, you are one of my favs!! I wish they all would go to therapy instead of choosing to hurt people. Awful they are!!
me too. i'm trying to wake them up
Well we talked for a month on the pc then I asked her out. She said yes.
Talked 3 months on the phone said we loved each other. Kept talking another 3 months so 6 total.
She took a bus to see me, and after 7 days wanted to stay and move in w me. I agreed. Was so happy.
It's was a full blown thing for 13 years..discarded in April. Been 2 months now.. 😔
Hang in there, it gets better. No contact helped me and watching videos on RUclips regarding narcs.
@@myGodmycreator hey thanks, about 3 months now NC, I "guess" it's a little better than when I made this post. I'm definitely doing that and learning alot more about narcissisim.
I watched the Sam Vaknin video on how he experiences his narcissisim and omg it was so sad. 😔 I felt so bad for him. I wonder if mental my ex experiences life like that as well.
If so, wow. I'd definitely take her back, and do things way differently. Now that I underatand what's going on, it'd help me process things so much easier. If I can go 13 yrs the way I was, I'm sure I can go longer with what I know now. Since I didn't know, I was taking things sorta personal. When I found out in March what she is, that last "talk" per se didn't reply affect me that much and I think she may have noticed.
That video was just... Geez. If he was faking, props to him. But he's a professor, his credibility since 1995 is on the line. I don't think he'd jeopardize that for 1 youtube video. Definitely worth a watch. 😔
I am thankful that I learned all of this +although I learned them the hard way!) The next guy didn't last long because he tried to pull some of the same BS my ex did and I literally felt it! I knew he was stonewalling me just by how I felt around him.
@pink lites
What the meaning of Stonewalling You?
I wish you started this channel 5 years ago.
All red flags in my relationship.
One red flag I missed was early on just about a week into dating we went on a date and went back to his place to watch a movie and he was changing the furnace filter (we had to stop and get) and the filter didn't fit and he had a complete breakdown in front of me. Throwing things, cussing, etc...I got scared and went upstairs and he followed me up and said "Oh you're just gonna get mad and leave now?" and I told him that he was scaring me then he just brushed it aside like sometimes he just has anger issues and regrouped himself pretty quickly, but I think he was testing me early on to see how much I would tolerate, too. And I think to some degree it was done subconsciously on his part, but normal people are usually on their best behavior and don't want anyone to see that side of them in the beginning, but I don't think he could control himself and his narcissistic rage. I wish I had trusted my gut and left that night. Would have saved me from a lot of heartache down the road. I can tell you this much I will never tolerate that in another human being again. BTW, I was with a more overt narcissist. They typically don't love bomb you all that hard and and they never try to get to know you at all and they don't answer any questions you have on their behalf either. I remember one time him telling me how well he knew me and I just laughed and said you never tried to get to know me at all.
oh my goodness
Wow! My situation was SO SIMILAR. He blew up at me because I wouldn't give him a kiss--only 6 hours into knowing him. I mean went off for almost a good minute or two yelling, calling me "out of touch". And when I asked him why he felt so entitled to a kiss from me, wrong question. It was like I had just asked him the stupidest question of all time and it sent him raging even more. Then in a split second, he just gathered himself and walked away calm like a switch had flipped. It was scary, because I'd never experienced ANYTHING like that before. You are so right, I will never, ever tolerate that from someone ever again. I don't care how good he looks, how much chemistry there is, whatever. Dealing with him taught me that if EVER someone blows up like that again to get the hell out of there and NEVER look back.
@@OliviaOsueke I think in the beginning there were times I never took him seriously and him seriously and thought most of the time he was just joking but boy was I wrong.
How this seems like my story except he was upset his computer wasn’t setting up correctly, and he had a meltdown. But you’re right he would never ask me questions but would talk about himself constantly..
@@tmichele8922I know exactly what you mean. I knew nothing about the disorder at all so I excused him as being "quirky" and I laughed at most of it in the beginning. I was always such a laid back person and now I feel I will never be that way again. I've had anxiety for 3 years now and it's not getting any better.
That toxic dude I broke up with yesterday did all these 💩💩💩💩💩 no wayyyyyy why I didn’t found this video earlier?? Thank u 🙏🏻
you have it now. stay strong
Yess all true. They're good for light put downs and heavy sarcasm early on too.
#3!!! I think this is the biggest overlooked red flag 🚩
💯💯
I commend you for doing this work.
A lot of comments I have seen say you get narc supply doing these videos.
I think that if that’s a part of how you function, that channeling that energy into something that not only is not damaging people, but ultimately is constructive and helps all concerned parties is a pretty good compromise.
What’s the alternative?
A lifetime of abusing others?
Thank you.
💛
You are exactly right! Especially if they are highly “successful” and in sales! The moving fast, you referred to is not expressed as you just did, so thank you.
This applies to non romantic relationships too. My sister sets off most of these flags. She tries to become someone’s best friends as soon as she meets them. She’s very pushy and wants to speed how you interact with each other so quickly and gets upset when you tell her to chill out. After you set your boundaries, she deems that as a slight against her and starts to triangulate. She sends her flying monkeys to complete her smear campaign.
My narc fails on #2. He never wanted to know anything , especially anything of depth about me. I start talking about my interests, dreams, and desires he wasn’t even looking at me, either looking at the tv or looking at the floor. Him talking about anything concerning him? He wanted and took your entire attention. He had no interest in anything around him unless he was the center of it. Very self-absorbed narcissist.
Funny I reframed from sharing at the beginning. My ex was like “I’m having a hard time reading you, I usually have a good read on people but I can’t figure you out, I’m trying to figure out if your crazy”
Lol mine did this too lol
My ex used to say shit like this too! He always said I was different bc he couldn't read me and he could easily read other people. Later he used that to help "prove" I'm the narcissist, not him. 🙄
A narcissist also wants to occupy ALL your time. They want to be the only one you need.
I asked questions. He answered them - turned out all his answers were lies
Man this mans knowledge is so on point. I love watching these videos
Thank you
Number 2 - case closed. My ex-fiancé refused to let me in on her past...gave me, at most, bare minimum details. Never opened up about her traumas, what happened, etc. And yes, she was the type to say all of her exes were shit.
dang. that sucks
@@MentalHealness To put it bluntly, yes
OMG! Young man YOU are hilarious! I am 51 years old and lost myself with a narcissist. 19 years...I look back and I see how he went through every stage of what a narcissist does to their victims. I saw red flags, but I ignored them because he had me questioning my own sanity. NOTHING was EVER his fault. He wasn't violent, but I watched, as he would go into these rages and smear campaigns against others, until just a few years ago, the tables turned on me. I finally went no contact... for good! I am healing. Thanks for all your content. It has been refreshing, informative, and entertaining. And kudos to you for loving yourself enough to get the help you know you needed.
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
You certainly can love! Thanks for sharing all this with us. I have two daughters and like to talk to them about all these red flags. Will now be sharingnyour videos with them. Again thank you for sharing your life with us. 🫂❤
Other red flags: gift giving and constant phone calls and texts.
I was never the problem in any of my previous relationships and that's facts and most of them were crazy. I guess we all have red flags but not everybody is a liar. So take your time to get to know somebody.
It may not be that everyone is a liar, they genuinely believe they were never the problem in their previous relationships. If one ends up in the same type of relationships over and over again they need healing. They also need to take their accountability for their actions, of lack of in the relationship with the "crazy" person. Lack of boundaries, allowing bad behavior... why? Lack of self esteem? Prior abuse? Comfortably uncomfortable in toxic relationships? Time to self reflect and heal is key to ending the cycles of abuse. 🧡💜
Facts
Red Flags can also be the way they disrespectfully speak to the waiter or others around you. He wore the same thing every day - a scowl + the jeans I bought him. I broke up with him + bought a condo in the next town over. He finds me no matter where I go + he finds out my new phone number every time. I just don’t get it. He broke up my marriage by telling him we’ve been having an affair. We weren’t. My ex-husband was so insecure, he believed the narc over me. This stalking has been going on for 15+ years - forget about law enforcement. You are pretty much alone. The narc is a mean + sadistic person who will never change. Thank you for sharing!!
I ain't never been happier that I'm married...happily. Praise God!!!
agree
I.totally with you because they nothing but bloodsuckers out here
Lee, your videos are tremendously helping me recover from a 6th or 7th Nars discard. Every video you put in here are eyes opening. Thank you
Talking about abuse the first time they meet you. HUGE red flag.
No healthy person would bring that up to someone they just met.
Real love is gradual, fake love is fast
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In my experience they worked super fast on my family and friends near the start.... so when I tried to speak to friends or family about red flags ...they were already on his side...."hes amazing.... you deserve this...just enjoy it.... you've found the one....stop questioning everything... you're too paranoid.... you're looking for problems...." etc 😩😩😩😩😩
Thank you for this great advice, I am guilty of ignoring all of the mentioned "red flags" unfortunately but.... now that I know more... I will relearn, change my own conditioning and do better. I did not know that narcissistic disorder is a thing until I found out the hard way. One other form of communication a narcissist chooses is using different phone numbers..... The "moving fast" has to do with neural programming setting oneself up to be the reason for the other's distribution of feel-good hormones... very addictive, a kind of enslavement, mentally, emotionally.
Your right we have to guard are hearts stop being so trusting . I wish I would have found this channel back in 2014. It’s healing with my relationship with the narc . That statement true I feel like I don’t know him or the person I thought ..nine years .
I really appreciated your honesty. It made me laugh. I can't tell whether I'm the narcissist or if the man that I was dating.
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Thanks be to God, my narcissist lived in another state. My personality has a violent side. I literally was going to kill him. At times, his lying and manipulation had me very angry . He was a bible reader and claimed he was spiritual, which was his hook to me. So now I know I have to cut him off completely. I still am having a hard time though ,because I'm hoping he'll say something meaningful and truthful ....
Thank you for doing and speaking who you are!!! That inspires me!! I am a codependent and empath. . I have currently gone no contact with the Narc I have been in a relationship on and off for 2 1/2 years. He is Covert and younger than me. I am 60 years old and he woke me up, I had the same gut feeling with him as I did my Father. I did not know my Father was a Narcissist until I met my Narcissist. I had all the red flags. But, I never bought the “I love You” on our second date🤦♀️.
I left him once with no contact for 3 month. Then felt strong enough to talk with him again. It has been down hill from there. He where’s his mask so well, and everyone loves him. I stood alone in this relationship. I researched Narcissism and found many RUclips channels on this. I have taken the first step to heal me. Thank you again. I am proud of you and you family!!!
You do not take snake into your house as free roaming pet after you read books about snakes, don't you? You will be always vulnerable towards him until you die. It's fact.
Dang! Talk about moving fast! My ex husband and I got married on our 8 month anniversary. We got divorced because he chose to leave. He couldn’t give me a valid reason why he was leaving either. All I ever got was excuses. And throughout the divorce, he proceeded to use the marital status as a way to get himself stuff without my permission. I always noticed that he only kept people close because they benefitted him in some way, but I always thought I was exempt because I was his wife. Boy was I WRONG! I believe the only true thing he said to me was that he wasn’t getting what he wanted out of the marriage as if I’m a business transaction. He ended up cheating on me while we were separated, she got pregnant, AND they got married 4 months later which was 31 days after our divorce was finalized. So, I’m not worried lol he has shown who he really is. That isn’t something I miss.
Sounds so much like my situation. And, like you, I also noticed the way he only got close to people if he benefitted somehow, or if he needed something from them...otherwise it was outta sight, outta mind. He pulled people in and out of his life as he needed them for something--even his own mother and grandma. He was so selfish and shallow.
Yes Lee that was the 1st mistake I made allowing the person to get me to move fast to be in a relationship with them!!
There’s a difference between someone having Npd but still having a good heart ..to one having Npd and an evil heart . You have a good heart , and you don’t use your high intelligence for evil obviously ❣️ this one guy I know does ...
You made an excellent point with not slowing down and boundaries.
My Narc told me when I asked life questions to sit and observe. He couldn’t answer I needed to see what his answers were over time by watching his actions. WTF?! He would refuse to answer. now I know he didn’t know what to say ( what I wanted to hear) so he was silent!
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Mr. Lee Hammock. Thank you so much for posting this and other powerful videos about NPD. This video truly hits home. I appreciate your stern look,
when you warn us to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt, that benefits need to be earned. Your videos are helping me to heal and realize the changes I need to make to protect myself. I also appreciate all the red flags you presented, especially when you tell us "Speed is the narcissists weapon." When you talk about speed, I think of eagles who zone in on their target, then quickly swoops down to catch it's prey. You are teaching us how to avoid being caught in the eagle's beak. And if we do get caught, you're teaching us how to escape, and prevent future captivity. A red flag I've experienced, is at the beginning of a relationship, the narc was too much of an open book. They shared personal info, that would perhaps make a empath cry or feel sorry for them. Being privy to another person's struggles made me feel "special." After the narc saw I was empathetic, I was love bombed, used, discarded then hoovered. I went NO CONTACT, and will remain NO CONTACT, which is helping me to heal and grow into a healthly person. Blessings to you and your beautiful family. Keep up the excellent work you're doing Mr. Hammock!!! 😆
The first thing I noticed was this was a give and take relationship
I did all the giving and he did all the taking.On the second date he asked me to sell my house and move in with him.How crazy was that?
I am so glad that you were call to do this so people can have a better understanding of the conditions and to know to be careful when entering into a relationship
I saw the red flags and thought it was a circus. Now I'm grieving the hopes of a great relationship.
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The girl that says "your parents will love me"
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Love you Lee, and I mean it & I'm not a narcissist. You are smart and funny. I learn something new from you often, despite the fact that I've been with a narcissist for a long, long time! And, I think back and think, oh that's why he was doing that... emailing me instead of texting me when he always did text. He didn't want some chick to see that he was texting me. I love your info & humor ...funny as hell. Thank you! ♥️
I'd say it can take longer than 90 days to really get to know someone. I've gone out with a couple of guys who didn't show their true colors until about the one year mark.
Another one is when they state that bad things happen to the people who leave them.
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I wish I know this 8 years ago when I met my daughter’s father now the only thing I know how evil he is because I kick him out and put a restraining order against him.
They’ll tell you a lot about themselves to make you feel comfortable with divulging your information. Then, they’ll hit you with the “I don’t want to keep secrets” from you. He was also speedy Gonzales with a “I’m looking for a wife” narc starter kit for EVERY woman he meets. 😩 He was a boundary breaking ninja!!! Thank God I got out early. Early release is the biggest blessing other than avoiding them altogether.
So friggin true!! At least your a real man and can admit it! My ex denies it!! The SOB needs help. He doesn't know how to love, or show love, just says it. Lies and cheats. Love bomber, gas lighter.
Lordy....I love your energy. Your passion for helping others just shines. Keep on keepin' on, bro.
Good stuff.
Another red flag...extreme flattery n attention gifts any of those
Just stopping by to tell u thank you n I’m still striving n loving me.. I’m so educated and aware.. still taking time wit me! U are ALWAYS speaking da truth 💯❤️💯❤️