Fear of Commitment Explained Simply
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- Опубликовано: 16 фев 2020
- Fear of commitment explained and how to move through it. In this video, I talk about how putting simplistic labels on the fear of commitment serves only to reinforce it. Through understanding it, as well as emotional needs, the fear of commitment drops away naturally.
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Dr. David Maloney is a Psychologist and a therapist/counselor. His has trained in a variety of techniques (person-centered, Gestalt, ACIM, psychodynamic) and works with people on a wide variety of issues. His main areas of expertise are in self-esteem, motivation, self-actualization, spirituality, relationships, overcoming procrastination, and living authentically. If you feel like you're are holding yourself back in life, or just need someone to talk things through with, his online coachng service might be perfect for you. From your own home, you can work with a highly trained and experienced therapist.
Knowing both your and your partner's emotional needs (in detail) is a concept I keep coming back to. Hope this video gives you some insight and thanks for taking the time to watch, David
I feel like you said a lot of nothing
I just start to get anxious when I’m starting to feel invested in the person I get anxious when they are round me or talk about how much they care about me I don’t know what to do because I can’t explain why I get this anxiety and it’s always when I start developing feelings for someone
Well this video explained the reason I don't want a relationship
Hi Dr. Where is follow-up video? Thanks. This was a good one 😊
I always have a very large desire to be with someone, but right when they reciprocate feelings back and start to talk about a future together I freak out and want to pull away. Super frustrating:(
My boyfriend 8 months broke up with me this past Sunday, I am absolutely broken. The Sunday before that we celebrated his birthday and I cooked for him and filled a big big basket with tons of gifts, we got to talking after opening his presents which up to that point he was so happy. And as we were talking I told him that I told my mom about our relationship, that freaked him out so much that now the day before yesterday he broke up with me. We never had any big problems, I know he’s been loyal and hasn’t been up to anything that would break my trust or disappoint me. Our relationship was really extremely solid and loving with respect and love going both ways, soon as he found out my mother knew that was the nail in the coffin. Now here I am, inconsolable and drowning in pain and with my back against the wall. I don’t know what to do because now he even refused to see me because he wants to avoid seeing me as sad as he saw me when he broke up, he really needs to overcome his fear and he can only do that I feel by going to therapy. My world collapsed my love, OUR love has been pawned off because fear took the upper hand. I wish I could do something without risking him blocking me everywhere… my heart and soul ache…
Omg. Same!!!!! 😢
I'm here because I got fed up and googled this. lol
Yes, very similar for me. Have you find something that address this? Or how to work on this?
I would be interested
have you looked at your attachement style, sounds like it could be fearful or disorganized attachement style
In my case it's because I'm scared of getting hurt or of choosing the wrong person
The fear of getting hurt is valid Julia. There's always a risk when it comes to vulnerability. Knowing your own emotional needs (as well as potential partners) can really help with this fear. We learn to know what we are entitled to ask for from a partner, as well as what we may be expected to give.
Same 😢
Same with me
I am telling this to each and everyone who searched for this video, " I am proud of you. You are doing good and its a great quality trying to find what is going on inside us and fixing it." You are not the only one, Be strong:))
100%
I’m scared to commit because I’m scared I’ll miss out on so many other opportunities
what opportunities?
My problem is more in fear of being in a toxic relationship which I know is rooted with being exposed to many toxic relationships I’m around
It takes time to heal and to be open again. I feel trusting that process and being patient is very important 🙏
Same boat.
Thanks for this video!
I myself have recently realised my extreme commitment problems when it comes to relationships. I have tried multiple times with women that I genuinely liked, but I would always end the relationship as soon as it went anywhere serious. It got so bad I thought I was asexual. But I’ve now realised it wasn’t the lack of attraction towards sex, but the fear of what that would lead to afterwards. I’m still learning, but yeah, thank you, this video has helped a lot :))
Thanks for sharing. I think understanding consciously what we need from relationships can be very important. We're not usually encouraged to consider this which explains some of the difficulty we can experience.
This is me. I just left the love of my life because I couldn't commit to her and I wanted her to go and find the life she wants.
Have you told her ?
the same thing happened with me and my boyfriend, I was "the love of his life" but he tell me that is not ready (we had a relationship of 1 and a half years!), why would you do that?
@@Lisztomania06 Yes, had many open conversations about it.
After going through six different videos, this was the one that actually got things right for me.
I came out of a 9 year marriage three years ago and I 100% have a fear of commitment. Even though I truly, deeply love someone else now. I want them around for the rest of my life, and I'm willing to make sacrifices, but not ALL of them. I know that because I've done it. I can do monogamy. I can give up my time. But I don't like giving up my space and decision making, I just don't. I don't like who I become when I compromise. I become resentful, my light dulls, I become not present. Yes, stupid little shit like the colour of the bedsheets. It excites me to do things like that myself. It IS the little things in life. And when I compromise out of 'duty' for love, I become resentful. I just do. That's who I am. I'd take a bullet for him. I will not live a long life of compromises for anyone.
Thanks so much for sharing so honestly. I think it's very healthy to know what you really want and what is authentic for you.
There is such a thing as "healthy" compromise. :)
i tried to break up with my gf after a few years, she yelled that i never opened up and gave her a chance. Im always closed, never tell her how i feel, never say what annoys me or not. When she said that, took my words back and realized she was right. the moment things get serious i close up. Im, not sure if she is the right one for me, but for sure, I have never given her the chance after all these years, im terrified of commting any further in fear of hurting her more, but I think i owe her a true honest attempt. the fear is so stong but im pushing through it.I realized that pushed away all my old friends and family... I dont know wat happeneed to me.
attachment trauma, fearful avoidant style. It's not your fault, and great you're giving the relationship a try. Also get therapy to support you
I have the exact same problem its so frustrating whenever i get close to a women and she commits i keep backing out of it because i feel so anxious i hate it so much
The first step is to realise you don't like it and part of you wants the closeness and commitment. Explore that part that is afraid of being trapped, engulfed. Often there is a mother wound, she was too intrusive, controlling...
Man that hit deep I’m currently facing the same issue but I want to push through. Hope you managed dude I’m sure she’s worth it
U should be open about what u feel. There is no right n wrong. My ex keep saying, I’m controlling whenever I give advice. Until one time, I don’t talk to him bcs there is nothing really make him feel comfortable.
The only time I don’t feel a fear is when I feel like they’re “out of reach” which I dislike, because I can like someone, but when they treat me kindly, with respect and are good to me, I panic. I so badly want to give someone everything, but suddenly when I get the chance I hestitate, I constantly feel I have to “win someone over” to actually deserve it, I am trying to work on it, because I do want to get closer to someone and actually start a relationship.
I know I have so much potential to be an amazing partner to someone, I know I am very romantic and that I am very kind, I love giving gifts and making someone smile, I’ve always dreamt of doing that, of giving roses and taking someone out to cute picnics or taking care of someone, but it always feels overshadowed by this side of me which I really dislike, I don’t want to be like this and nobody deserves to get hurt either by this type of behavior. I’ve always felt defected, like if I get close to someone I’ll ‘disappoint’ them, I feel I have to be perfect, I stress and overthink any romantic relationship situation, I stress because I suddenly feel as if I don’t deserve it and I’m not good enough or worthy for someone to commit to me because I feel I’ll ruin it, which has turned out to be a self fulfilling prophecy unfortunately.
I’m the only common denominator in all situationships that’ve gone wrong where someone actually liked me and put in an effort, I am very much aware, I’m trying to work on it and work through it.
This is exactly me. I feel like to be happy in the relationship, I need the other person to hold the knife by the handle, if that other person likes me and I don't have to chase them, to earn their attention, I get overwhelmed and feel like they're being too sticky, even if they aren't
Is it like adhd. Like sometime we just have to be imperfect cus be perfect is tiring
My fear of commitment comes from my fear of intimacy. I got scared when the guy tried to kiss or hug me and would sometimes push him away. I found that I kept disappearing during dates with my previous boyfriend because he was reluctant to invite me out so I kept running away so he would phone me to get me. The loss of freedom was a big issue because I'm quite an independent person and the guy I was with was clingy.
I got together with a different man 4 months after I left the previous partner and he respects when I need my space. Doesn't push for intimacy and gives gifts on time. He does the majority of the inviting out and paying for meals. Now, after 9 months of being with him, it's safe to say my fear of commitment just isn't there any more in this current relationship.
How old are you mrs?
That adage is true, "if he wanted to, he would." If you find yourself needing to make a case for your partner to commit to you, that person is not the one for you. There is no need to beg.
I think it’s a bit more difficult than that when you have commitment anxiety..
THis is very true. It is one of those sayings that is hard to accept. 'If they really wanted to then they would do it, however, if they never do it, then it's probably because they don't want you.'
@@viailien9105 it is, but that complexity must not concern you and is for them to figure out.
This video was very helpful. It serves as a good analogy for my work situation. I have a fear of commiting to a full time job, as its going to take away my freedom temporarily, so Im in the process of overcoming the fear
Interesting insight 🙏
Being a woman, i'd say I can attest to regardless of genders, previous romantic relationships were nothing but unmet emotional needs. I still do not know how to address them or how to sound a bit more positive vs extreme negative feelings. When you mention a question "what is that they are giving up." I am running into 3 issues loss of freedom, nonsense jealousy scenes and unbalanced finances. I do not see or felt any emotional happiness, or felt ever being loved. I dont see anything positive being in relationship. The negatives outweigh the positive.
Yes, when needs are unmet romantic relationships can be incredibly difficult. Learning to meet one's own emotional needs is essential also. I have a free book on my site about personal emotional needs. It's called 'forget happiness' and might be somewhat helpful. Thanks for sharing.
@@drdavidmaloneypsychotherapy love it! thank you! best of luck!
Great content - the subscribers will come in time!
I don't think enough couples ever just have a chat about what they want and go from there. It's mainly on a feel/intuition basis which works only to a point.
And lack of commitment is probably the biggest driver of insecurity. If we don't know if we have a job next week we're not secure, so same goes for anything.
I think some equate security as excitement killing but it should be the opposite because it frees up alot of psychological energy.
Finn, your insights are fantastic. When security comes, so much psychological energy becomes available. That's why I tell people to focus first on their relationship. When this is stable and secure, all that psychological energy is freed up. All other aspects of life are enriched. Thanks as always!
Hmm.. sort of like the courage to be happy but you dont even know what will make you happy. This provided much needed clarity.. thank you.
Well said! Very welcome 🙏
My best friend and I love each other so much and have wanted to commit to each other on and off for a while, but we’re both afraid to make the next step and we’re honestly in a place where we’re halfway in and out and it hurts us. I know we have a lot of maturing and growing to do and self work but it just feels stuck, if it were a different time maybe it could work but for now it just feels in limbo, I’m just afraid I’d become her ex one day and not be her best friend
You like each other... you already are not best friends, just commit! It's better to know you tried and it didn't work than live with the doubt of "what if". Would you rather see her with another man?
Same here bro she tried to make a move on me and i backed down , not because im scared of her in fact i know her that good and i have literally 0 shame around her (for example i literally changed clothes in front of her many times). But im really scared if hurting her and i think i already hurt her on our first date... I won't mind if she wont talk to me again though that's her decision I'd much rather not to hurt her rather than her not talking to me again I do want to keep our friendship and the moment i saw her showing signs of love I knew i wouldn't be able to ask her anymore for advice
Thanks for the video
No problem!
Great approach to the topic 🙂.
Thank you Vero 🙏
So this is very very useful - also outside the contexts of relationships! Thanks
Glad it was helpful!
Tq Mr David it was really helpful
I love you for ur remarkable work
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
You are very welcome!
my last and quite only relationship was pretty traumatic since it was a trigger for my bipolar episode..
therefore, whenever I start talking to a guy I get afraid, i‘m afraid I will have to like him instantly and whenever there is something that doesn’t add up with the image in my head i panic.
so it’s either bc i‘m pushing myself too much into this, i‘m afraid of false expectations they have of me or i really need to catch up about my last relationship..
it sucks cuz i really want to be with somebody but whenever this comes close i back off immediately, panic and become sad.
Thank you!
You bet!
What if I get tired and bored of people easily. I could be head over heels but then I find something I don’t like( like a red flag) or just randomly start loosing interest. I’ve had some say it’s due to AFHD or some bull but I doubt that just makes it hard to maintain interest in people. Even close friends I’ll flake out on or completely cut off for MONTHS. I don’t try to or intend to but I just struggle connecting and maintaining that connection with people
My biggest fears have come true from women cheating in a long term relationship, as a highly sensitive person I’ve spent 15 years alone because I find it nearly impossible to trust any human at this point. I’m so closed off I don’t think I’ll ever try again.
You can fully trust in God and all the love you need is in him. I’ve also been cheated on many times despite my loyalty. I called on Jesus and he healed all that pain. He can do the same for you and bless you with a faithful wife if you allow him to.
@@bunnym5617 I agree, started on this path 2 years ago
I've been doing this year's
A few things in my case.. Im afraid if something goes wrong or if she thinks she can do better later on your lose your kids and half of everything. An or most of my friends that get married i can only see a few times a year for a evening at most because their wives will yell , complain and blow-up their phone until they come home and we only been gone for two hours.
Im a woman and im so sick of not wanting to commit every time a good man comes around I always make them get away from me even if I really want them :( I don’t know what to do anymore
I don’t like that one person has that power over you emotionally and physiologically. We all know that relationships can end in death! Ppl love differently and have different triggers. Relationships end up with codependency. If having peace and sanity is immature to some ppl, that’s fine. It’s like ppl want to manipulate you to be in a relationship because they’re too weak to love themselves and live alone.
That’s a really sad mindset .. :/ it shows your commitment phobia, so you have these views of manipulation etc.I can only tell you that believe it or not,even if it might be true some want a relationship because they feel lonely and crave love & like you said. Bad people,people who manipulate exist but that isn’t everybody and people normally come together (speaking of a healthy relationship ,not one out of desperation) because they fall in love,which is a wonderful feeling that makes you happier than anything and feel on top of the world,and sharing this,loving and being loved,making awesome memories together,living life together to its fullest..it’s just all more amazing and fun when sharing it. And having someone ,loving you unconditionally,knowing all about you,it being okay to be vulnerable,sharing hardships together is just indescribable amazing.Consider more than only this view of love and relationships that you have.
I’m afraid I may choose a life partner out of interest and may ignore the depth of getting to know them well and regret then after marrying them
Im scared of hurting the other person i know I'm not going to get hurt and if i will i can easily deal with it i want to commit to that woman she's showed me every interest in the world but i am just scared of hurting her is it worth the risk
i run away as soon as the other person returns my affection :(
FIC due to FOMO
So anyone's overcome your gamophobia ?? Really need advice or solution to this phobia of mine
Losing it all again....
My new gf will not commit... so I won't. It's a sad compromise.
I have such husband. Logic is not everything. It is unfair. I find him dishonest. What if I was unable to work or needed help? He doesn't give me any positive emotions, feelings nor respect.
This is the second therapy we attend. I hope it will help but I lost 18 years of my life on being with someone that is not able to say anything nice to me.
Hi there. Sorry to hear that it's been so hard. My feeling is that establishing clearly what each person's emotional needs are is essential. He may not be aware of this. If he isn't, then it's very unlikely he'll be motivated to meet your needs with urgency. There is hope and I've seen things change. It requires work and an openness to change.
@@drdavidmaloneypsychotherapy
I am so grateful for your answer. I feel so badly today. It is so depressing.
Look, I am an open woman. I never hide the truth about myself. I told him openly what my needs are. Hundred times. But he seems not to hear it. The therapist said "Your husband is deeply closed off". Why could he be nice before we got married?
He does not want to go anywhere. No cinema, no theatre, no restaurants. Everything is boring for him. The armchairs in the cinema are not comfortable enough. The weather is always wrong - too hot or to cold. He also does not eat many things.
If this second therapy will not help - nothing will I suppose.
Maybe it will. I do not know.
But I lost many years on being with the man that was even unable to say "you look good in that dress". For 18 years...
@@magorzatak4037 I see you suffer in this relationship. I totally understand you. Everybody would in your shoes.
Is there a chance your husband has a depression? It might would explain why he doesnt show any interest in going out, giving compliments or listening to you. A depression feels like a dark hole which sucks you in. Talk with your husband about it. Maybe he needs help from you or a therapist.
@@etiennestocker6314 Thank you very much for your reply.
It is possibe that he suffers from depression. I have a book at home about men with depression by David B. Wexler.
The trouble is that he stopped the therapy and does not see the problem in himself and he puts the blame on me.
I decided to go abroad for a trip alone.
To rest and change place for a few days.
Paris is my destination now.
How about your life?
@@magorzatak4037
Thank you for your reply! :)
It is good that you took action and got on a trip alone. Change location and being alone can be good to recharge and think more clearly about things. I hope your trip will help you :)
Im not a relationship expert. Im just a young man still figuring out what life is about and what my deeply needs are. Right now I work on my commitment issues. I love her but there some challenges that we can live together and I dont know if Im the right partner for her. She is mentally more mature and seeking for something stable and long term.
Have you talked with somebody (your therapist for example) if a breakup would be a solution for your situation? Every person deserve to be happy and to feel loved. When I read your words correctly that relationship doesnt give you anything emotionally. I wanna encourage you to stand up for your needs.
Enjoy Paris! :)
I am just afraid to make a mistake in the relationship thats why I can’t fully commit
I understand Dana. As you know I'm sure, relationships (truly intimate ones) are full of mistakes. In fact, intimacy is never really possible when we are 'perfect'. What's there to be vulnerable about?
Well, it will always fail, so why even bother?
I stay fkn around & don't commit. I'm afraid. Idk what it is. Been engaged 4 times but never followed through.
Are you getting engaged because you feel social pressure to be married?
@@simonrudduck8726 No, I accept because I'm willing, but once shit gets real I'm never down. I mean, I don't leave them at the altar. I break it off when shit sinks in after awhile. I just can't see myself with the same person "forever." It scares me a lot.
Fuck I’m in the exact same situation and this is the second time I got engaged. Now After it all has sunk in, I’m afraid
@@simonrudduck8726 in my case, yes
@@gunnervin I find it very frightening. Since I was a child I remember never visualizing myself married. My parents were married. My mom passed away when I was 12...my dad remarried & is still with my stepmom. I just know I'm glad I haven't married anyone.
I'm scared of committing to a girl I talk to because I'm still in love with a girl that has me as a Backup
If she sees you as a back up and you see yourself in that frame also, any potential relationship would be very difficult I feel. Never allow yourself to be the back up. Self-esteem often looks like the ability to walk away if necessary.
I see what married men face. No thanks. I am a flirt and no one will take away my ability to see as many women as I want.
I agree that commitment is something that should never be demanded or acquired through shame or control. Each of us has the right to make our own choices. If commitment does materialized, it should always be based on willingness and choice, preferably with eyes wide open.
This helped with absolutely nothing. Obviously the person with commitment issues wants to be with the person or else they wouldn’t be in this situation with a person. It’s the question of why are we afraid. Also stop talking about men/women as if that is a factor in any differences in the fear of commitment. I’m definitely not a man. And tbh I don’t see how it would make any difference anyway.
Appreciate your perspective and feedback. Nuance is certainly essential when talking about these issues.