Courage is knowing when fear is appropriate, and suppressing controlling fear when it is not. This isn't courageous, it is foolhardy and imprudent, 2 vices rolled into one action.
I love how she’s always telling stories of conversations she has with friends. It’s made me realize that I have to be more open to telling people about myself and not just listening to them. I used to not understand why I didn’t have many friends, I think I’m a pretty good listener, but also it’s probably hard for people to open up to me if I don’t open up to them as well. Healing can only come from relationships. That’s what Brene brown has taught me. I’m so grateful for her.
16:38 - 17:32 hit hard. All the rhetoric I've heard about 'being vulnerable' has fallen flat for me because the moment a man asks for help is the moment he's deemed as no longer worthy of help. And in my experience, it's been the worst when I've had no immediate male groups/tribes/communities. Men are not the primary enforcers of this social paradigm.
It reminded me of the movie (and book) The Pursuit of Happyness, when his wife leaves and he loses his apartment and becomes homeless with his young son. He goes to find shelter and they won’t let him in because it’s for women and children only. They offer to let his son stay, but not him. He ends up having to go to a homeless shelter that fills up at 5pm every day, and some days he doesn’t make it in time after work and they have to sleep in a NYC subway bathroom. Expressing vulnerability would’ve gotten him nowhere or worse, had his son taken away. He had to live with the shame of his tireless work not being enough to keep his child and himself off the streets. The only way he even survived was to hide his homelessness and vulnerability from his employer until he finished his internship and got the full-time position. And for every good man who makes it like he did, 100 good men don’t make it. By
Your use of "I am sorry, I made a mistake" was powerful ... But when you said "I am sorry, I AM a mistake" I broke down and faced a past pain that had never surfaced before. THANK YOU FOR THAT GIFT!
"Shame needs secrecy, silence and judgement to thrive." Makes sense why I always hated secrets in my family. It wasn't the secrets but the shame that's automatically implied.
It's true. I opened up to a girl about some stressors in my life, I had been going out with her for a few months, and I thought we had something. Her response just shut me down. Instead of empathy, or support, I got a disappointed response that showed her disappointment, and difficulty in dealing with a man's vulnerability.
I told my girlfriend of 9 months that’s I was unhappy with my job and feeling depressed a few days ago and I haven’t stopped regretting that I told her. She was very kind and supportive but I know that put a crack in her perceived armor that I wear. I’m supposed to be the one who has my life together, who is happy, who can pick her up when she falls, who can be her rock. I went into our relationship with the expectation to be her protector and a sources of strength and stability in her life. How can I do that when I’m struggling myself.
It is true. We (collectively) expect men to be more than human. It’s unreasonable. It’s unfair. It’s very wrong. All humans have the same basic needs, wants, feelings. Ouch. I’m having guilty memories. Perhaps hero & romance movies and fairytales from childhood + perfect love songs generated such hurtful treatment. Prayer 🆙 that me & other women really “get” this message and mindfully, purposefully replace unrealistic expectations with respect & support for our brothers. And remind each other and teach our daughters. And Male Bashing should be outlawed. Golden Rule ~ Do unto others as we would have others do unto us.
@@ShirleyAnnPetrillo-oj7sc Agreed. If you have never hear of the work of Alison Armstrong I recommend her. She is paving the way for a new dynamic and understanding between the sexes. She is a champion of men but didn't start that way. Her information is really interesting. Maybe not everything will speak to everyone but it is a great start to a new way.
I grew up with four older brothers. I have never seen one of them allow themselves to be vulnerable in front of me, except for my oldest brother (who passed from cancer last year). And they used to be incredibly critical of me when I was vulnerable. Your talk has helped me to understand from where their "cruelty" stems. This understanding is giving me the ability to exhale and to truly forgive them. Thank you.
First time exposer to Brené Brown and I love her comedic energy in sharing her researched theory. I also see the struggle to be vulnerable a common issue for comedian type characters too. God bless.
I was talking to a female friend about how men just do not have space to show vulnerability. And she said, “I mean, if a man’s mother dies, why shouldn’t he be able to cry?” And I said, “It’s interesting you had to cite the most extreme example possible of a man’s mother dying as the time when it’s okay for him to cry.”
@arnavrawat9864 maybe that was her intent. But i have a follow up scenario. I meant to drive through the traffic light when it was green but i wasnt thinking about it enough and now the family that i just hit with my car is dead... intent is the difference between murder and manslaughter. Not murder and innocence.
Wow! I love Brené’s TED talks. She is such an inspiration. It was freeing to hear someone say people would rather see a courageous person verses a “perfect” one.
My daughter shared Brene’s book Atlas of the Heart with me. It’s a “get to the point” book easy to read and understand though it’s the size of a Bible. I’m nearly half way through and have learned so much. I highly recommend.
Ah man . When she said vulnerability isn't weakness I lost it . I'm sorry I'll probably edit later cause I'm crying . Just realized I needed to hear that. Especially now. Thank you ❤️
Hi Marc, I was thinking the same thing. Having been married to a Narcissist for 20 years she would point out all of the expectations of a man, that in her eyes I failed in all. This was done by comparing me to men we knew who apparently had those qualities or met those expectations well. Some of the expectations are being a good provider, husband (there’s a lot to that one), a good father (again many expectations), being supportive and encouraging of their wives, being a good caretaker when she or the kids are sick, being able to jump and fulfill her responsibilities, cooking, grocery shopping without calling with questions about what to get if item is not on list or size/quantity is specified, etc. For the record, I humbly say that I succeeded in most of those expectations, not in others, and needed to work on the ones that did not meet my own expectations. Fantastic talk. It made me aware that I allow myself to be very vulnerable. I have struggled with depression, at times severe, and I’m very open and honest about it with the women that I meet. I’m dating, and it becomes obvious which women are not comfortable with a man who allows himself to be vulnerable. Dr. Brown, thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable!
@@u2canmakeadifference603You seem like a genuine source of information. So I wanted to ask you, is the vulnerability stereotype true? That women are somewhat uncomfortable with male vulnerability? And do you think there's some substance to that, instead of them being weirded out because it never happened around them, so they never created an expectation or a model of that in their head. I'm asking because I see a lot of men echo this sentiment but I think they might be biased. It's very hard to find someone who appears as unbiased and and not just hateful or vengeful
"Dare greatly" - you got it. Thank you for sharing, thank you for your authenticity, thank you for teaching. I am a better person for having watched this. Most grateful.
I was very vulnerable to someone who's not my therapist for the first time. My boyfriend, actually. I've been trying not to spiral & learn that I deserve to be heard.
Empathy is the antidote to almost everything. People are selfish by nature. It takes a lot to step out of your own perception and see the world through someone else's perspective
A strong heart doesn't need to be guarded. Defense mechanisms aren't necessary for stable foundations. Perseverance is not possible for the weak hearted
It was men who laid the blueprint- the one who provides has all the power. Women were told to just follow it. When women say, we no longer want to follow. We want to be our own providers, we're told you're too strong and independent, stay in your place and follow the original script.
16:26 "I did not interview men for the first four years of my study and it wasn't until a man looked at me one day after a book signing and said I love what you have to say about shame I'm curious why you didn't mention men and I said I don't study men and he said that's convenient." 17:10 "they'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down when we reach out and be vulnerable we get the beat out of us and don't tell me it's from are the guys and the coaches and the dads because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else"
Having privilege must be nice. Im a straight white guy and im waiting for it to kick in. Im 50 hopefully it happens before i die early from working my whole life keeping the country running so women can stand on a stage and talk sbout how great i have it.
Vulnerability is weakness to status quo. If your status quo is faulty you'll allow vulnerability to destroy the cacoon of comfort. If you're subconscious is ready for growth.
I forgot but I thought you you said you might read your comments so I wanted to write this to you I just saw a movie called a man called Otto That perfectly exemplifies your theories about vulnerability and being present and especially the talk that you gave me about showing up at the forum and being seen so if you see that film then that film embodies Sorry about the misspelling of your name I can’t correct it I talk to text most of Renee Brown’s theories thank you I just wanted to let you know that
Has anyone ever noticed that what people are ashamed of, is based around what the other gender chooses them for? It's when they fail to meet the criteria they feel shame. The "thin, and beautiful" is a stereotype trying to be most attractive to a man. Even if it is a ridiculously 1 dimensional version of it. Same thing with men. Stoic, high status and strong are values women value.
This is just not true. Female shame over beauty standards is 90% based on how they appear _to other women_ Male shame is about 80% not appearing weak or burdensome to women. Men largely don't shame each other for having a moment of weakness. But their wives will absolutely hold onto that and use it as a cudgel later, or as an excuse to leave them. Most don't run around shaming girls for their looks, it's largely female competition, putting each other down and backbiting. Both sexes are chronically ashamed for fear of what the women in their lives will say about and do to them
The bit you provided about how the man said his wife and daughter would rather see him die on his white horse instead of falling off is not an example of weakness, it’s an example of failing. They are not the same. I’m a bit disappointed you simplified men to just one thing. That you think it’s not also a web of unattainable competing expectations makes me feel like you didn’t talk to enough men. It might be a different web, but it’s sad to see the minimization.
The point here was that women often do not understand what it is to allow their men to be vulnerable not that men not being able to be vulnerable is a single issue.
She is way too complicated to me. I know many many many people who do not know what she is talking about. You need a manual to follow her and bing her words into action. Intellectuals are her followers I presume.
"Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage" - the most powerful statement.
Not true tho
Courage is knowing when fear is appropriate, and suppressing controlling fear when it is not. This isn't courageous, it is foolhardy and imprudent, 2 vices rolled into one action.
I love how she’s always telling stories of conversations she has with friends. It’s made me realize that I have to be more open to telling people about myself and not just listening to them. I used to not understand why I didn’t have many friends, I think I’m a pretty good listener, but also it’s probably hard for people to open up to me if I don’t open up to them as well. Healing can only come from relationships. That’s what Brene brown has taught me. I’m so grateful for her.
I realized that, too! ❤
16:38 - 17:32 hit hard. All the rhetoric I've heard about 'being vulnerable' has fallen flat for me because the moment a man asks for help is the moment he's deemed as no longer worthy of help. And in my experience, it's been the worst when I've had no immediate male groups/tribes/communities. Men are not the primary enforcers of this social paradigm.
Find a church ministry with a men’s group. It worked for me
It reminded me of the movie (and book) The Pursuit of Happyness, when his wife leaves and he loses his apartment and becomes homeless with his young son. He goes to find shelter and they won’t let him in because it’s for women and children only. They offer to let his son stay, but not him. He ends up having to go to a homeless shelter that fills up at 5pm every day, and some days he doesn’t make it in time after work and they have to sleep in a NYC subway bathroom.
Expressing vulnerability would’ve gotten him nowhere or worse, had his son taken away. He had to live with the shame of his tireless work not being enough to keep his child and himself off the streets. The only way he even survived was to hide his homelessness and vulnerability from his employer until he finished his internship and got the full-time position.
And for every good man who makes it like he did, 100 good men don’t make it. By
Berne Brown is a remarkable gift to humanity! A truth-teller with the research and experience to support her journey..
Your use of "I am sorry, I made a mistake" was powerful ... But when you said "I am sorry, I AM a mistake" I broke down and faced a past pain that had never surfaced before. THANK YOU FOR THAT GIFT!
It goes straight to the heart like an arrow.
Ive said that so many times to people before 😢
"Shame needs secrecy, silence and judgement to thrive." Makes sense why I always hated secrets in my family. It wasn't the secrets but the shame that's automatically implied.
When she said "they would rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down" I lost it. That is heartbreaking.
+1
It's true. I opened up to a girl about some stressors in my life, I had been going out with her for a few months, and I thought we had something. Her response just shut me down. Instead of empathy, or support, I got a disappointed response that showed her disappointment, and difficulty in dealing with a man's vulnerability.
I told my girlfriend of 9 months that’s I was unhappy with my job and feeling depressed a few days ago and I haven’t stopped regretting that I told her. She was very kind and supportive but I know that put a crack in her perceived armor that I wear. I’m supposed to be the one who has my life together, who is happy, who can pick her up when she falls, who can be her rock. I went into our relationship with the expectation to be her protector and a sources of strength and stability in her life. How can I do that when I’m struggling myself.
It is true. We (collectively) expect men to be more than human. It’s unreasonable. It’s unfair. It’s very wrong. All humans have the same basic needs, wants, feelings.
Ouch. I’m having guilty memories.
Perhaps hero & romance movies and fairytales from childhood + perfect love songs generated
such hurtful treatment.
Prayer 🆙 that me & other women really “get” this message and mindfully, purposefully replace unrealistic expectations with respect & support for our brothers.
And remind each other and teach our daughters. And Male Bashing should be outlawed.
Golden Rule ~ Do unto others as we would have others do unto us.
@@ShirleyAnnPetrillo-oj7sc Agreed. If you have never hear of the work of Alison Armstrong I recommend her. She is paving the way for a new dynamic and understanding between the sexes. She is a champion of men but didn't start that way. Her information is really interesting. Maybe not everything will speak to everyone but it is a great start to a new way.
I grew up with four older brothers. I have never seen one of them allow themselves to be vulnerable in front of me, except for my oldest brother (who passed from cancer last year). And they used to be incredibly critical of me when I was vulnerable. Your talk has helped me to understand from where their "cruelty" stems. This understanding is giving me the ability to exhale and to truly forgive them. Thank you.
First time exposer to Brené Brown and I love her comedic energy in sharing her researched theory. I also see the struggle to be vulnerable a common issue for comedian type characters too. God bless.
I was talking to a female friend about how men just do not have space to show vulnerability. And she said, “I mean, if a man’s mother dies, why shouldn’t he be able to cry?” And I said, “It’s interesting you had to cite the most extreme example possible of a man’s mother dying as the time when it’s okay for him to cry.”
Maybe she was trying to point out the absurdity of never getting to cry.
The point works the best if the example is at the most extreme.
@arnavrawat9864 maybe that was her intent. But i have a follow up scenario.
I meant to drive through the traffic light when it was green but i wasnt thinking about it enough and now the family that i just hit with my car is dead... intent is the difference between murder and manslaughter. Not murder and innocence.
Wow! I love Brené’s TED talks. She is such an inspiration. It was freeing to hear someone say people would rather see a courageous person verses a “perfect” one.
Brenee shines like a star, she shines like a genius.
My daughter shared Brene’s book Atlas of the Heart with me. It’s a “get to the point” book easy to read and understand though it’s the size of a Bible. I’m nearly half way through and have learned so much. I highly recommend.
Excellent Ted Talk Brené. You brought tears to my eyes. What you said really touched me.
Thank you.
To create something is to make something that has never existed before….there is nothing more vulnerable than that.❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Ah man . When she said vulnerability isn't weakness I lost it . I'm sorry I'll probably edit later cause I'm crying . Just realized I needed to hear that. Especially now. Thank you ❤️
Youre not the only one
Except if men are vulnerable - THEN it's weakness. Right?
When she asked, "How many of you when you saw vulnerability up here thought it was pure courage?" I felt that. Thank you Brene Brown.
Respectfully, men have many more expectations to uphold than simply strength. That said, you are correct in that strength is the biggest one.
Agree - strength is the core one, one can say.
Hi Marc, I was thinking the same thing. Having been married to a Narcissist for 20 years she would point out all of the expectations of a man, that in her eyes I failed in all. This was done by comparing me to men we knew who apparently had those qualities or met those expectations well. Some of the expectations are being a good provider, husband (there’s a lot to that one), a good father (again many expectations), being supportive and encouraging of their wives, being a good caretaker when she or the kids are sick, being able to jump and fulfill her responsibilities, cooking, grocery shopping without calling with questions about what to get if item is not on list or size/quantity is specified, etc.
For the record, I humbly say that I succeeded in most of those expectations, not in others, and needed to work on the ones that did not meet my own expectations.
Fantastic talk. It made me aware that I allow myself to be very vulnerable. I have struggled with depression, at times severe, and I’m very open and honest about it with the women that I meet. I’m dating, and it becomes obvious which women are not comfortable with a man who allows himself to be vulnerable.
Dr. Brown, thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable!
@@u2canmakeadifference603You seem like a genuine source of information. So I wanted to ask you, is the vulnerability stereotype true?
That women are somewhat uncomfortable with male vulnerability?
And do you think there's some substance to that, instead of them being weirded out because it never happened around them, so they never created an expectation or a model of that in their head.
I'm asking because I see a lot of men echo this sentiment but I think they might be biased. It's very hard to find someone who appears as unbiased and and not just hateful or vengeful
"Dare greatly" - you got it. Thank you for sharing, thank you for your authenticity, thank you for teaching. I am a better person for having watched this. Most grateful.
"vulnerability hangover" ....nailed it 🥺
Brene you are an amazing human being ,full of knowledge and great sense of the humour. Thanks for being you
I will silence my loud inner critic. I will dare to be vulnerable and brave. Thanks Brenex
So many profound truths... 💙 Thank you!
Well done, as expected! You have a real gift in bringing tough emotional concepts forward with intelligence, humor and compassion. Thank you! - Chris
Thank you, much Love and Respect for you and your work!
Empathy is the antidote to shame.💜
"Vulnerability is the birthplace of Innovation creativity and change"
One of the best Ted talks!
I was very vulnerable to someone who's not my therapist for the first time. My boyfriend, actually. I've been trying not to spiral & learn that I deserve to be heard.
Yaaas!! Go where your vulnerable is treated best!! Im cheering for you
I love this women
Empathy is the antidote to almost everything. People are selfish by nature. It takes a lot to step out of your own perception and see the world through someone else's perspective
I totally agree. I would personally add with empathy one have to maintain healthy boundaries also.
Enjoy listening to her really helped me
A strong heart doesn't need to be guarded. Defense mechanisms aren't necessary for stable foundations. Perseverance is not possible for the weak hearted
14:14 I made a mistake. VS I am a mistake. Whoa, what an IMPORTANT distinction.
Wonderful to listen to this.
Thank you Brene as always x
Strong speech!
Beautifully said
Well shame happen to us all. 101 Shame On U's how we behave and how it's delivered. Own your path in weakness, strength, all passions and love.
Thank you. Only saw a bit.....grateful. Goodnight/Morning....🙏💚
'were falling apart and it feels fantastic'
It's lopsided, men are expected to provide and never to need emotional support. Talk about equality, start here
It was men who laid the blueprint- the one who provides has all the power. Women were told to just follow it. When women say, we no longer want to follow. We want to be our own providers, we're told you're too strong and independent, stay in your place and follow the original script.
Life changing
16:26 "I did not interview men for the first four years of my study and it wasn't until a man looked at me one day after a book signing and said I love what you have to say about shame I'm curious why you didn't mention men and I said I don't study men and he said that's convenient."
17:10 "they'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down when we reach out and be vulnerable we get the beat out of us and don't tell me it's from are the guys and the coaches and the dads because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else"
Having privilege must be nice. Im a straight white guy and im waiting for it to kick in.
Im 50 hopefully it happens before i die early from working my whole life keeping the country running so women can stand on a stage and talk sbout how great i have it.
You don't understand privelege
Godsend ❤️🙏☝️
I love Brene’!
So very good.
6:00
9:22
12:13
14:21
17:12
18:58
The more Brené, the better
20 million views and counting on the last talk 😂
Shame is about how one feels about him/herself.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜💝
Vulnerability is weakness to status quo. If your status quo is faulty you'll allow vulnerability to destroy the cacoon of comfort. If you're subconscious is ready for growth.
I love your heart
I forgot but I thought you you said you might read your comments so I wanted to write this to you I just saw a movie called a man called Otto That perfectly exemplifies your theories about vulnerability and being present and especially the talk that you gave me about showing up at the forum and being seen so if you see that film then that film embodies Sorry about the misspelling of your name I can’t correct it I talk to text most of Renee Brown’s theories thank you I just wanted to let you know that
😩❤️
Oh honey it’s a lot more than some 600, 700 people
The way everyone went quiet when she spoke about talking about race... Damn still an issue there clearly
Has anyone ever noticed that what people are ashamed of, is based around what the other gender chooses them for?
It's when they fail to meet the criteria they feel shame.
The "thin, and beautiful" is a stereotype trying to be most attractive to a man. Even if it is a ridiculously 1 dimensional version of it.
Same thing with men. Stoic, high status and strong are values women value.
This is just not true. Female shame over beauty standards is 90% based on how they appear _to other women_
Male shame is about 80% not appearing weak or burdensome to women. Men largely don't shame each other for having a moment of weakness. But their wives will absolutely hold onto that and use it as a cudgel later, or as an excuse to leave them. Most don't run around shaming girls for their looks, it's largely female competition, putting each other down and backbiting.
Both sexes are chronically ashamed for fear of what the women in their lives will say about and do to them
The bit you provided about how the man said his wife and daughter would rather see him die on his white horse instead of falling off is not an example of weakness, it’s an example of failing. They are not the same. I’m a bit disappointed you simplified men to just one thing. That you think it’s not also a web of unattainable competing expectations makes me feel like you didn’t talk to enough men. It might be a different web, but it’s sad to see the minimization.
The point here was that women often do not understand what it is to allow their men to be vulnerable not that men not being able to be vulnerable is a single issue.
15:30
Thx q so much
like
What she talking about
Poor her students
Looks like you're a sociopath
baby bus
brené brown begins with B which is before C like caren.
She is way too complicated to me. I know many many many people who do not know what she is talking about. You need a manual to follow her and bing her words into action. Intellectuals are her followers I presume.
Get her book Atlas of the Heart - it’s an easy enough read though it is a big book. It’s full of examples.
There are multiple signs in this video indicating she is intoxicated...
Point at an example, please!
I think it sounds like you are the intoxicated one actually…
Brene Brown is weak.
???????
The credit goes to the daring man in the arena. She is the opposite of weak. Forgive me if you are joking.
U have just shown 17 million people you don’t understand one word of this Ted talk…you must feel so proud
You are worse.
Joke if you're joking too
For????
how come we came to the point when our science started to change obvious meaning of the words we used for centuries?
What do you mean