Eric, man, that's my brother's name. It's great that you have found this youtube channel because there are so many of us here that think alike. I wonder if it really is ruining your life or if that's a skewed perception you have developed over the years through life experience. There's this quote from Marilyn Monroe that always makes me question the true nature of my socially awkward/anxious self. "Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
Yeah, being alone with someone is always nicer imo especially when you're not a dominant personality. I hate nothing more than these days where a kinda nice person you barely know invites you and all his best buddies he knows for 100 years already are there and they talk nonstop while you already forgot their names lol
I can start conversations pretty easily, my problem is leaving the small talk. I get stressed trying to find a topic to branch off to. I keep trying though! It's definitely a skill that has to be built
Likewise I can start them easily enough. I just cant continue them to save my life, it branches off Into sports or gossip about someone else's life which just doesn't interest me. It's easier for me to end a conversation than to continue one
This hits so hard. Like, HOW!!??? How do people put the words together to form sentence upon sentence? Thinking of a topic is easy enough but then you have to form words about it; you know what I'm saying?
@@mustashfan1o198 I know exactly what you're saying, I feel the same way every day, how do people constantly talk and talk nonstop and always have something interesting or funny to say. They make look and sound so easy, but a hard struggle for me.
*“It’s time you realized that you have something in you more powerful and miraculous than the things that affect you and make you dance like a puppet.” - Marcus Aurelius*
i got small talk going, but my conversations never get deeper, im like that person in class who everyone talks to, but nobody hangs out with because I have nothing interesting to say
I can totally relate to what you said in this video. I’m always anxious about social interactions because I feel that nothing on my life is really interesting to other people. As a result, what usually happens is others sharing a lot and I don’t share that much. I remember that my friends in school saying “Your are always quiet, you dont say anything. Say something” but I honestly did not know what to say. I was able to improve since then, but I still struggle with social interactions now with 23 years-old. I try to focus on the other person and ask questions about them, but eventually I ran out of things to ask and I dont want it to feel like an interrogation. But your content has been helping a lot, I wish I found your channel earlier. Thanks a lot!
Same man, have had people tell me after knowing me for a few months "I don't even know anything about you." Just left me wondering why they were even spending time with me to be honest.
I am 36 still have it. Did shrooms went bad smoked joints lead too d realisation failed in career. Now i am doing what i can but like my neighbours look the othervway when inwalk by. I feel like im not good enough
@@bighandsome9165 because unfortunately you give them attention and time and they forget to ask about you... Then you relaise you know everything about them because you bothered to ask and they never did
All you have to do is really genuinely care about every word the other person is saying. Focussing on their words and the meaning behind those words will keep you out of your own head. Never think about what you are going to say and never hesitate with saying what comes to mind. Everyone has the natural ability to converse together, really care about the other person when you are talking with them
Someone recently gave me the same advice and they phrased it in a way I found really powerful: letting fear 'wash over you'. accept that there is no immediate way to rid yourself of that fear other than to experience it BUT by letting go of resistance towards that fear you discover some new kind of resilience within yourself.
@@grahamholbrook9112 just except the fear you feel, and realize that the only way do not feel the fear anymore is to pursue it. By avoiding it you only prolong it until the next time the situation arises and you do it again. You aren’t escaping the fear by avoiding it, you’re letting it rule you. Plus you usually regret letting the fear keep you from moving forward, but once the opportunity arises and you feel that fear, you just avoid it again. Once you face the fear you realize how it wasn’t even as bad as you feared it would be.
@@grahamholbrook9112 for me, part of it was realizing that just like any other emotion fear is a tool. A tool for survival and social adaptation. What this fear is trying to do is protect me. Rather than rage at it and hate it, I treat it in my mind as a well-meaning friend. "Thank you, but this is not what I need right now". Do the thing anyway; it's still going to be scary, but let go of this hate that you have towards the feeling.
Thank you for the Wisdoms . It took me a while to understand that and now I read it described so well by you. Also thank you @hahathatisfunnybro (to write the username made me smile too). Greetings from Germany 🌻
Thank you Cole!!!!! Seriously thank you. I'm 23 and been struggling with this for a while and felt like giving up with relationship. On top of that, I never knew how to explain this to others so some people thought I was faking and just hated others. Now I feel empowered to give it another go. I'm showing this video to my parents and relatives so they get what I'm been trying to convey.
@@BladeMK I'm doing better. I still struggle connecting with people but I'm make tangible progress. I have friends now and it is all about fostering them to make them stronger. Also I am more confident to start conversation than a month ago.
My thing is at work. Ppl CONTINOUSLY ask me what I'm doing on the weekends, and I always feel like my weekends plans are never are interesting as theirs. And it's the constant comparison that makes my social anxiety worst
I’ve been diagnosed with Autism and try to communicate better (people w/ autism are often socially more awkward) but still the things you say really could be helpful! Thank u Cole🙏🏻
This guy knows how it feels to be carrying old trauma around. It fucking sucks and you isolate yourself out of fear of rejection and negative things happening again. Thank you for this video, you helped me a lot.
My loophole for getting over awkwardness was viewing the inability to tolerate it as weakness. I’ve always hated weakness, and never wanted to be perceived as weak. As such, it was a point of pride for me to be able to tolerate awkwardness longer than anyone else, even if no one else thought of it that way. Of course, if you don’t mind being weak this doesn’t really help you…😬
Cole, i gotta say out of all the advice channels out there your content is the most consistent, relatable, effective, and digestible that I’ve seen. Keep up the great work
I am 29 now, when I was 18-24 I used to be extremely shy. Tbh it is a cliche but I did grow out of it. It was not pleasant at the time and I am sympathetic to people going through it.
28, I can be loud or I can be very quiet. Very good at listening but not so much at talking. Or I can be very talkative and not know the meaning of stfu, it depends on the conversation. When it comes to social events or the like I just don't care. When it comes to technology or the like depending on what it is I could be very into it. Gossip or the like doesn't interest me
I’m 23 and I HATE people that overtalk, especially while working on group projects, these kinda people have little to no knowledge but since they are EXTREMELY TALKATIVE they somehow take the upper hand and just snatch your credit away from you for the work that YOU did since you cannot talk that much…arrgh the only time I can speak somewhat is when I’m very high, but you gotta understand that I cannot stay high 24/7 as that will deteriorate my health…I soo wish to just put a yellow tape on their lips or in simple words just hope that they don’t come 10ft close to me
Bro I had an Epiphany when you said “embrace the awkwardness”. I couldn’t figure out why I could never shake the awkwardness until I started doing this. You deserve more followers 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
The fact that you are watching this video means you are at least part of the way to creating a better life for yourself. All your regrets are in the past, this is your oppurtunity to make the decision to start creating for yourself the life that you want! Good luck friend!
The trick to never running out of things to say: You actually always have something to say, you just convince yourself it's uninteresting. Just let whatever is on your mind come out, and the other person will probably find it more interesting than you think.
but what if they don't? if I approached someone to talk to them about something that they're clearly not interested in (whether they're pretending to be interested or not), I'd cringe about it for years
Me: "Did you know that Garavito is a colombian serial killer who killed over 200 children and maybe he will be released from prison for good behavior in 2023? ... Oh, you gotta go?"
@@daniilromanenko3677 Or you can choose to not find it cringey. If you do that to enough people, eventually you'll find people who you can connect with on such a deep level it will literally blow your mind. Just my opinion.
I feel like movies and social media play a big part in a lot of anxiety from teens today. In movies it seems so effortless and smooth to meet people and interact with strangers but it just isn't like that. Once I got the advice that interactions are supposed to be awkward is when I realized how normal every conversation really is. But some are more awkward than other lol
I used to be almost paralyzed in social situations but I learned to deal with it by learning to not give a damn whether they liked me or not. I realized they are not better or more interesting than me. I don't have to please them, so I talk about what I want to talk about. This makes me more relaxed and less awkward.
I think I've gotten fired from like 10 jobs this year because of my awkwardness. Which is now turning into anxiety because I can barely afford rent despite being the hardest worker at many places. I'm hoping this video helps. Thanks again Cole.
What a stupid reason to fire you! If you just communicate good about work it should be fine, but everyone these days want a open speaking person that talks about anything and that mentality is just wrong imo.
That definitely isn't believable that you got fired from 10 jobs In a year cause you are awkward....I'm awkward af in every job i ever had, and for some reason people love me for it lol probably because I'm different than all the other sheeple at work
@@Psycho_Logical_631different places, different situations, different people= different outcomes. Just because you had a different experience doesn’t mean the other person is lying.
I can relate to that... Ppl start talking very formally, sometimes even cracking a light joke or two... But many times, almost always, "someone" enters the "scene" to disturb things . Prodding me with questions that make me feel awkward, answer-less and leaving me with a feeling of constant vulnerability that lingers on... And i end up acting awkward ..... Until i feel that i can't take it anymore... Despite my liking for the job, financial situation, the unpaid debts and upcoming expenses, i QUIT
I know youre suppose to feel more comfortable with the people who know you, but for me thats not the case. I feel more expressive and less anti social when Im with strangers or people who dont know me because they dont know my negative traits or my dark past etc
Hey man, I can somewhat relate with your struggle. Something that’s helped me is working through why I have (and believe I have) these negative traits through meditation and journaling. I found that changing your self-perception does wonders in how others perceive you through improving your nonverbal communication; they say words are only 10% of communication, and I’m certain nobody can completely control the other 90% of tone, posture, etc. In the end I believe a lot of self-improvement is a mental game. Best of luck!
I contemplated about this before. And I did some self reflecting on two different scenarios. The first scenario is me on a date with any stranger of the opposite sex. The second scenario is me alone with my best buddy. In the first scenario, I have a harder time coming up with topics,whereas it's easier in the second scenario with my best bud. I realize the difference lies in your comfortability. The more comfortable you are, topics just spring out effortlessly.
The trick to get rid of social anxiety is to not give a fuck what others think but mostly to never take rejection personally There’s a million reasons why strangers don’t want to speak to us and it’s mostly out of our control. Talk about whatever you want,tho begin with small easy talk then gradually talk about deeper stuff once u get comfortable. Sometimes strangers don’t have time,they might have their own issues or bad days and millions of other possible issues so I never really take rejection personally unless I said something bad It’s not just about us and that’s how I came to understand there’s nothing to fear and to stop overthinking if I’m boring this or whatever Not to say we shouldn’t improve our social Improving charm and kindness helps a lot
@𝙰𝚛𝚒𝚏𝚞𝚖𝚒 Absolutely everything you said is the exact same for me, especially the fear of being Ignored. Swear it's like I wrote this comment myself. But seriously, when I was a child my social skills were perfect and I had absolute confidence in it, and ever since I hit the teens, not so much. A lot of the times when I stay quiet my mind wants to say something, but that fear keeps on seeping in. It's a proper struggle. I feel me and you are the same.
Incredible that you legit went to the party talked to your ex’s boyfriend. I’m sure you felt some mix of resentment and jealousy and such, but you clearly grew past that and embraced the situation as it was, thinking and acting positively despite all.
long story short, it's a kinda mess from how things progressed with my ex, but i know her ex "after me" good, it's actually someone we knew from going out etc, but the dude experienced worse in 4months with her then me with 3 year's almost back then xD. seeing now, my ex is = she belongs to the streets material.
See that's what I thought. I'm glad I wasn't the only one. Usually you'd just stay away from places you know your ex is gonna be or at least not associate with them in any social environment.
Just know you have something to give. Be willing to give a piece of yourself in social conversations, it will open you up so much more. Never wait to receive!
I think people are being awkward because they feel like they supposed to do something about a certain situation so they feel anxious all the time questioning their behavior and their speaking . for ex : someone in a party will be like " now i sould dance , but wait i dont look good , now i will sit , now they are staring at me maybe i should stand ...etc so they are drowned by their inner voices . JUST DO YOU , AND DONT STRESS ABOUT IT .IF U WANNA STAY SILENT STAY SILENT COMFORTABLY DONT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT , ALSO SURROUND URSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVES U AND ACCEPT YOUR AWKWARDNESS AND PUSHES U TO OVERCOME IT .
what is worse than the slight awkwardness is the regret you will have for not taking that slight risk don't be afraid to speak us we are all human which means everyone yes EVERYONE has something in common with you through convo you can find that commondarity !
Well considering whoever I’m with likes to make jabs at my difficulty holding conversation for literally the entire duration of the event I’m at, no, you’re speaking for yourself when you say you regret not taking the risk.
Both of these parts are strangely accurate to my situation and the fact that the negatives are so on point was strange. I didn't expect anyone else to be having the same experiences so I just want to say thank you for the motivation and understanding to improve aspects of my life.
I'm the kind of person who needs to be talked to first. And after that I can actually keep a conversation going. Especially if they keep responding. But I definitely want to become a conversation starter
At this point, I don't have much of a desire to really connect with people outside of the few in my inner circle; now, not because I don't feel good enough, but because I have a deep mistrust of others, that borders on genuine prejudice. I have a tendency to view those around me as predatory, whether it's mentally, emotionally, or physically. It's definitely just as much a biproduct of past experience with others, as the topic of this video. And, deep down, I know that it's unhealthy to feel this way, but my fear of falling victim to the malevolence of others, outweighs my common sense. I don't even feel safe in my own bed anymore, because I hate the vulnerability of being asleep.
As an extrovert who is slowly entering another introvert phase I honestly love putting myself in this situation again so I can still solidify my speech.
You gotta force yourself. As an awkward person Its becoming more natural each day. Its painfull beacuse at first you fail miserably and feel terrible. But dont worry you'll find the right people who like you
My problem is that I genuinely have no idea what to talk about. I cant even find/pick a topic. These kind of videos are always about the fear of having conversations or whatever. But I only experience the awkwardness because I dont know what to talk about. And for now I cant seem to find a fix to that, because well.. if my head is empty I cant do much about it.
I struggled with this when I smoked weed and played video games all day I didn’t have anything to talk about. Moved to a place I enjoyed started working on a ski resort learned how to snowboard gained some hobbies (still smoked and played video games so they weren’t the problem necessarily, it’s if that’s all you do) once I found things I felt comfortable sharing with other people it became hard for me to shut up
when i was in middle school i was the most talkative and playful person. then i got to high school everything started to change. i was the quiet kid in class. i switched schools 3 years out of the 4 years of high school which made it a lot harder to adapt and make friends. in junior year i was able to find a really fun group of friends but i was still the most BORING and QUIET person in the group. it went on like that until senior year of high school but i really didn’t see a problem with it. i mean, i did, but i didnt feel AS bad as i feel now. im in my freshman year of college and im literally unable to make a conversation with anybody without feeling extremely anxious. mostly because i feel that im unfunny and boring and have nothing exciting going on in my life 😢
By watching this video I realized what I had wrong. I am too stuck at the “small talk” stage, and haven’t thought about the “getting deep” stage. Idk why but I haven’t given it enough attention….. that’s why I have so many problems with connecting. I am very good at initiating conversations, but my real problem is definitely with the deep talk, because I seem to not get any luck with knowing someone even better, although we continue to keep a consistent mutual connection….
It's ridiculous how spot on your description of me was in this video, always been socially awkward due to being different but started being able to socialize more in recent years though I do have 2 main problems, not being able to remember names well (which can be awkward when approaching others😅) and not being able to keep a conversation going (since as I mentioned I don't have many common topics to use in a conversation)
when i am really myself, I get disconnected from everything around me, whether it's people, things, moments, etc. So I don't even think about how to act properly, how to speak appropriately, how to act normally like society expect, because THIS is my true self, and my true self really doesnt gives a damn about society, and I don't think there's something wrong with me, but when they make it look like there's something wrong, it bothers me. What I think its normal, society thinks it's strange... what i think its strange, society thinks its normal. so i build a mask, to hide my true self, the true self that is the total opposite of society, whether in thought, action, perspective, etc. to protect my true self from society.. 'Cause I know my true self won't be welcome in it, And I know that society will see my true self as a threat., when actually its not. And I know they'll want to hide things from people like me, because they FEAR me. And I feel anxious that I don't understand that, that fear of them... Because in my head, the way I act is completely normal. I don't feel like a threat to anyone, but when they start treating me like a threat, excluding me, wanting to literally eliminate me from their lives in the worst possible ways, even though it's the first time I've met them in my life, I get... confused.
What’s up cole. I’ve learned to just not take human interaction too seriously I noticed that ppl are so flawed no matter the status that ppl do not intimidate me. I’ve always loved psychology astrology metaphysics and going door to door for work for almost ten years has changed me greatly
Life certainly is difficult when you feel awkward around people and never have anything interesting to say, I'm always that person just sitting there quietly whenever we have family gathering and it just gets so awkward for me, getting a haircut I just sit there quietly throughout with hardly saying a word to the barber, always struggled finding a job, making friends and getting a girlfriend.. wish I was one of those talkative people that just comes naturally for them with always having something to say.. so unfair
i dont really struggle with self-esteem socially, it's just a fact that im awkward (for now) and im at peace with that! im not too concerned about rejection/the approach, i just want to change my awkwardness bc i love talking to people (when it goes smoothly 😭). my biggest takeaway from this video was definitely to embrace the awkward. the point about overthinking how to stop the conversation from being awkward really resonated, it just makes so much sense
Another really helpful video! Being introverted I can often overthink certain things that you mentioned but I really want to get better at it so I appreciate your video! I also am a fan of Max’s as well!
I used to often hang out with the one guy in any large group who was seen as the "guy nobody likes". I would pick this guy out in a group, specifically become friends with him, and then around him, we could both just say whatever the hell we wanted on our own. Say what you want, but this tactic has never failed me.
I just learned I have social anxiety by watching this and i really want to get out of it. I try talking to people but I always struggle with the small talk 😭.
Kinda late but tbh it just comes down to practice and repetition. It's a skill just as if you were practicing for a sport. Over time you get better as you keep doing it. I struggle sometimes too but I've come a long way from where I started
I know this is a year later but DONT make plans on what to respond with. If they say something you don't expect you're going to make it way more awkward than you would by just gunning it
@@KyeCreates I say you have to get used to improvizing answers as well. Still, for me I think it's useful to have plans for what to response with too. Depends from person to person.
For this topic, I would recommend reading dale Carnegie's "how to win friends and influence people", I didn't read the entire book because I felt ready with the first 3 advices he gave. Being curious it's a big upside that can be applied to every conversation, the other upside would be having a good observational eye. There's always something interesting to learn from the other person, thus the question should point out to all the things we don't know, which that person will keenly answer. Questions arises from other questions, but for that matters we shall focus on what the other person is saying: by listening we know what next question should be, or maybe we prefer not to make any question and just to add up to the subject in other way. I think that when you focus yourself on the topic being discussed, the awkwardness is impossible, but I think our interlocutor usually enjoys more being asked questions than listening to our remarks. But it depends since there are bad questions and good remarks. But I think questions have more potential: who doesn't enjoy or would feel awkward answering about a topic that, not only the other person knows wells, but surely loves ?
"So what are you thinking of?", "You feeling okay?", "I just... Did you ever...?" Here, three phrases to obliterate awkward silences. You're welcome. 👍
There's been times when l would feel uncomfortable around others leading to awkwardness. I don't deserve to look and feel awkward. I been struggling with this issue for some time
Ive got major autism so it’s difficult for me to gauge what other people would even want to talk about with someone they’ve just met. I could talk to them about a lot of things but I often feel like nothing I say would interest them like it interests me. I don’t want to come off as self centered or overbearing with how I talk so most of the time I just.. don’t. Trying to get over the things I was told and taught as a kid. I’m not very good at socializing at first but I do enjoy having conversations with people. I was kinda shunned out of talking as a kid but I’ve made some friends who are like me and kind of opened me up to the idea of socializing more. makes me realize that I never actually liked being quiet or alone. I think I really just need to focus on not overthinking. Some people may find me weird and awkward but dammit I’m trying and that should be enough for me.
What a fantastic video! Well edited and well-made. I have struggled with this exact thing so much due to CPTSD. Now I feel a little more motivated to get out there and try to establish friendships and re-build some old ones. Thanks Cole.
You know what Cole, thanks so much for the amount of effort and error you put into getting this type of information. Really helpful and really appreciate it.
Tbh to become socially adept you have to just throw yourself into community and embrace conversations with everyone you see. The more people you speak with the easier it’ll become. Also you need to be doing things with your life. Become interesting by reading books, taking up new hobbies, excelling at your job etc… what used to be so natural to us humans is being destroyed by computers and smartphones.
I found when I really like a person in a romantic way. I never know what to say. I don’t really have any strong opinions about anything. Being so neutral and stoic and passive in this world really hold me back. I guess it’s because when I was younger, I had a lot of responsibility, but now that I’m older and more free I’m in search of who I am. I can’t always be about goals and hobbies. I really want to discover what fun it is to me outside of entertainment.
I can have good convos with certain strangers but I feel like a lot of people want to mind their own business. Guess it depends on the situation. Then again, I got a friend that practically knows everyone. We could be in another city at some random restaurant and he randomly strikes up a convo with someone he knew from years ago. Guess it’s just trial and error. Definitely has gotten a lot easier just listening and asking questions.
I couldn't finish the video just yet cuz I have to go to work but I would also say in the approach stage it helps to WANT to talk to people if your comfortable in your own skin/identity. I thought I was boring because I was. Now, I have shit to talk about because I do more shit. I comitted myself to activities and hobbies that create context about my interests and I'm learning life lessons with people and on my own so now I can speak from experience on life's phenomena as well. Hope that made sense....
Two years ago I got depression and burn out from overworking, I was totally desocialized, Start of 2021 I started a therapy, it took me a complete year of making bad experiences in therms of socialize with people, now it is better but even yet it takes much strength and motivation to do so, because even if you now new people it takes time and continuity to build up, deep relationships.
Definitely true, all meaningful friendships I had that happened after my childhood started of in a somewhat awkward situation, but I did not care about it.
This is a really good video, thanks for making it. It gave me a lot to think about and helped me realize that I'm actually pretty damn good at talking to people, and my fear is nonsensical but also fun in a way.
It''s not axiety. It's just that most people are REALLY boring and having conversation with them is just wasting my time. Other people are talking this "small talk" but they are not really instrested. They are just faking their personality for others. That's being a true loser. Not being able to handle that you might be ignored or not "worthy" in the group. So they talk sh1t and pretend.It's just better to focus on yourself and ignore others. Others will come to you eventually because you work on yourself and they don't. But it comes up later in the stage of life around 25-30 i think. I often want to talk to people. And i have a questions in my mind instantly. BUT. I always realize. I don't give a fuck about them. All that is important i me, my family and people that hold me dear.
THIS! I always get this feeling people are just soooo boring and shallow they don't talk about any interesting topics, i've tried many times but it's like they're not even there
Yepp. I have issue with holding out conversations with people who I feel no connection to. A lot of the time people are talking about such mindless things, I get so bored. Problem is I gotta talk to people at my job. I need a career switch because I don't see this changing .. I used to love talking to random people about whatever. Now, it's just draining.
@@spicymeatballs2thespicening it's like this person said. I used to like that small talk stuff. Now I only like expending my energy on my family and people I actually feel a connection with. The rest of my energy goes to me and me only. I'm more of a sit back and observe type of person now.
My social awkwardness comes from elementary school, i would try to contribute to some conversation going on and would be laughed at, which would be fine if it was a joke. So i just stopped contributing. And here i am 30 years later trying to get my shit together. Makes me think of a dinner the family was having, my 4 year old niece said something and i replied with a little joke like i usually do with her, but she started crying in front of the whole family. We all consoled her and she seems unaffected by it now, and i felt terrible. But it could potentially ruin someone's social life, and it was so insignificant, not even meant as an insult. I don't even remember what i said. But it goes to show you, [hopefully] whatever happened in your childhood that still causes anxiety was something so small, why did i let it ruin my life for so long?
How to be open minded ? Everytime the opposite gender is involved I get anxious. My mindset is like this "It'll seem creepy if I try to talk to a girl" "Talk only when a girl wants to, otherwise I'm being a bother" "I should stay away from girls. Touching is a NO NO" "Boys shouldn't be too involved or friendly with girls" "You should always be polite to girls (and everyone else too) and can't say bad things" "Texting a girl will mean that I'm tryna hit on her and will come off as creepy dude" Whenever i see a dude around girls I think "Why isn't he feeling shy, embarrassed or ashamed" or "How is he taking a picture with a girl or going to some place with a girl. Isn't this inappropriate"
That story about talking to the ex’s new guy at the bougie party about the party itself and the whole context of their meeting is a game changer. Usually I never know anything normal to say after “hey how’s it going?” After the silence has gone on long enough and they haven’t offered a topic they’re interested in I’ll get insanely anxious and ask something really really stupid that’s probably an animal fact I picked up from YT
I can totally relate to this video but not in the way you might think!! In the past 7 years I’ve lived in over 9 countries…..I was in Thailand during the 2014 Military Coup, in Honk Kong during the Umbrella Protest/Riots, In South Korea when Kim Jung Un crossed the militarized zone……I’ve visited Japan, Cambodia, Thailand and countless others countries. I can have an Interesting conversation with somebody I just choose not to, I avoid small talk! and prefer conversations that form connections. Don’t beat yourself up if you have trouble having conversations with others……Take this time to learn about yourself and grow as a person. It’s cool that you are helping others be more social Cole!!! Cheers!
My problem is when i am myself ,when i am not constantly thinking about what to say next,i talk well,we have a good conversation,a good laugh But just when i remember ohh i am talking so confidently,i get the pressure to keep it going and then it all goes downhill
I used to never have trouble socializing. In fact I was often called a chatterbox. But then my parents divorced and I got an abusive stepmom. Now whenever I tried to talk I was pushed away, and if I said something that wasn’t good in her eyes, I was yelled at too. From that point I got scared of talking at all, especially on the phone as she called me frequently to make sure I was following all her orders for the day. I even set her ringtone to scary music. Luckily, I was able to move in with my grandparents who were much more supportive of me. From those positive conversations I was able to reduce my anxiety and talk a lot more. Nowadays I can say I’m pretty much fully recovered and I can talk to anyone!
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Should I make a part 3? 👀
To start building your credit with a debit card, go to extra.app/cole
You should and will!
Yes
Definently
Do it, just dive into it!!! ;D
Yes! It's so helpful!
Honestly, my awkward/ shy/ nervous/ anxiety self is ruining my own life… it’s sad and when I think about it more it just makes it worse.
Eric, man, that's my brother's name. It's great that you have found this youtube channel because there are so many of us here that think alike. I wonder if it really is ruining your life or if that's a skewed perception you have developed over the years through life experience. There's this quote from Marilyn Monroe that always makes me question the true nature of my socially awkward/anxious self. "Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
88 likes
@@muddycatfish5396 Thanks man
You should think about it.
Same. Everything is much harder for me to accomplish. Because being social helps all areas in life. And I get more and more into my own little shell
I've always felt like one-on-one conversations end up being more profound because you actually get to know the person more in depth.
Being part of a group where you play a small role can also be profound
@@zacharyyan4898 Very rarely
Yeah, being alone with someone is always nicer imo especially when you're not a dominant personality. I hate nothing more than these days where a kinda nice person you barely know invites you and all his best buddies he knows for 100 years already are there and they talk nonstop while you already forgot their names lol
Ye I’ve always felt like that to, either that or they’re just awkward asl cuz I got nothing to say
Fuck this life I am not a social person because my parents never let me go outsidr for 6 years when I bron
I can start conversations pretty easily, my problem is leaving the small talk. I get stressed trying to find a topic to branch off to. I keep trying though! It's definitely a skill that has to be built
same
@@lonewanderer_n7 fr
Likewise I can start them easily enough. I just cant continue them to save my life, it branches off Into sports or gossip about someone else's life which just doesn't interest me. It's easier for me to end a conversation than to continue one
This hits so hard. Like, HOW!!??? How do people put the words together to form sentence upon sentence? Thinking of a topic is easy enough but then you have to form words about it; you know what I'm saying?
@@mustashfan1o198 I know exactly what you're saying, I feel the same way every day, how do people constantly talk and talk nonstop and always have something interesting or funny to say. They make look and sound so easy, but a hard struggle for me.
*“It’s time you realized that you have something in you more powerful and miraculous than the things that affect you and make you dance like a puppet.” - Marcus Aurelius*
dude come onnn
So you comment same stuff on every video without even watching them just to gain subs? You are weird
OMG so inspirational
@@SyreLikeAFire I saw this comment on CPT Sinbad's video I watched 5 minutes ago
@@tyranmcgrath6871 a plague
the quotes become even less awe-inspiring the more he comments them
Even when I actually want to talk to someone and feel comfortable, I still don't know what to say. Mind is completely blank
I can relate! It’s been torture
Any difference now?
@@Vro_xppy nope
I can relate you brother..
Same with me
i got small talk going, but my conversations never get deeper, im like that person in class who everyone talks to, but nobody hangs out with because I have nothing interesting to say
Same here lol
So relatable
I can totally relate to what you said in this video. I’m always anxious about social interactions because I feel that nothing on my life is really interesting to other people. As a result, what usually happens is others sharing a lot and I don’t share that much. I remember that my friends in school saying “Your are always quiet, you dont say anything. Say something” but I honestly did not know what to say. I was able to improve since then, but I still struggle with social interactions now with 23 years-old. I try to focus on the other person and ask questions about them, but eventually I ran out of things to ask and I dont want it to feel like an interrogation. But your content has been helping a lot, I wish I found your channel earlier. Thanks a lot!
Same man, have had people tell me after knowing me for a few months "I don't even know anything about you." Just left me wondering why they were even spending time with me to be honest.
I am 36 still have it.
Did shrooms went bad smoked joints lead too d realisation failed in career.
Now i am doing what i can but like my neighbours look the othervway when inwalk by.
I feel like im not good enough
@@PeteFarce Dude that so infurating I would love to share some shrooms or a joint and chat about life without the need to show off :/
Bro just chill out and stop stressing about the little things in life. Don't worry what people think or say about it and keep improving yourself
@@bighandsome9165 because unfortunately you give them attention and time and they forget to ask about you... Then you relaise you know everything about them because you bothered to ask and they never did
All you have to do is really genuinely care about every word the other person is saying. Focussing on their words and the meaning behind those words will keep you out of your own head. Never think about what you are going to say and never hesitate with saying what comes to mind. Everyone has the natural ability to converse together, really care about the other person when you are talking with them
woooow thank you
That’s a terrible advice
Great thank you
i ain't doing allat
the real question now is, how to approach and actually start the conversation?🤔
Someone recently gave me the same advice and they phrased it in a way I found really powerful: letting fear 'wash over you'. accept that there is no immediate way to rid yourself of that fear other than to experience it BUT by letting go of resistance towards that fear you discover some new kind of resilience within yourself.
The more resistance you have about doing something, the more you know deep down that you need to do it.
but like, how the hell are you supposed to do that?
@@grahamholbrook9112 just except the fear you feel, and realize that the only way do not feel the fear anymore is to pursue it. By avoiding it you only prolong it until the next time the situation arises and you do it again. You aren’t escaping the fear by avoiding it, you’re letting it rule you. Plus you usually regret letting the fear keep you from moving forward, but once the opportunity arises and you feel that fear, you just avoid it again.
Once you face the fear you realize how it wasn’t even as bad as you feared it would be.
@@grahamholbrook9112 for me, part of it was realizing that just like any other emotion fear is a tool. A tool for survival and social adaptation. What this fear is trying to do is protect me. Rather than rage at it and hate it, I treat it in my mind as a well-meaning friend. "Thank you, but this is not what I need right now". Do the thing anyway; it's still going to be scary, but let go of this hate that you have towards the feeling.
Thank you for the Wisdoms . It took me a while to understand that and now I read it described so well by you. Also thank you @hahathatisfunnybro (to write the username made me smile too). Greetings from Germany 🌻
Thank you Cole!!!!! Seriously thank you.
I'm 23 and been struggling with this for a while and felt like giving up with relationship. On top of that, I never knew how to explain this to others so some people thought I was faking and just hated others. Now I feel empowered to give it another go. I'm showing this video to my parents and relatives so they get what I'm been trying to convey.
Glad I could help!
this is so me right now.
How are you doing now?
@@BladeMK I'm doing better. I still struggle connecting with people but I'm make tangible progress. I have friends now and it is all about fostering them to make them stronger. Also I am more confident to start conversation than a month ago.
@@mario125ww That's really cool, good on you
My thing is at work. Ppl CONTINOUSLY ask me what I'm doing on the weekends, and I always feel like my weekends plans are never are interesting as theirs. And it's the constant comparison that makes my social anxiety worst
I'm actually very confident and happy about myself when I imagine the conversation, but right when I begin to talk, I stutter and fail
Don't imagine let it happen
I relate
@@HouseTre007 And here I thought I was going crazy talking to myself all the time
me when I’m trying to hit on a hot woman. It’s always pretty embarrassing 😂. Just can’t overthink about what you think you should say. Just go with it
I'm 40 and I still have this problem. Please fix yourself before you get old like me
I’ve been diagnosed with Autism and try to communicate better (people w/ autism are often socially more awkward) but still the things you say really could be helpful! Thank u Cole🙏🏻
Aspie pal right here. You’re not alone. Hope you’re doing great, king 💪🏻
Same bro
I'm still glad im not alone for this...I wish if I could reach out and make friends with you all
 same incredibly hard but i am an attractive person i would say but they think i am crazy or weird because i cannot talk properly
It’s difficult but I really want to learn and be more outgoing and confident.
This guy knows how it feels to be carrying old trauma around. It fucking sucks and you isolate yourself out of fear of rejection and negative things happening again. Thank you for this video, you helped me a lot.
My loophole for getting over awkwardness was viewing the inability to tolerate it as weakness. I’ve always hated weakness, and never wanted to be perceived as weak. As such, it was a point of pride for me to be able to tolerate awkwardness longer than anyone else, even if no one else thought of it that way.
Of course, if you don’t mind being weak this doesn’t really help you…😬
very interesting
how you handle rejection will reveal aspects of your character. turn that L into a learned lesson. keep improving homies! 🤙🏼
Cole, i gotta say out of all the advice channels out there your content is the most consistent, relatable, effective, and digestible that I’ve seen. Keep up the great work
Really appreciate that, thank you
Well said
I am 29 now, when I was 18-24 I used to be extremely shy. Tbh it is a cliche but I did grow out of it. It was not pleasant at the time and I am sympathetic to people going through it.
As a 22 yr old I'm sick of being ''shy'' bc its just a form of fear of rejection.
I'm 29 and still going through it, but not as bad as it once was. As long as you're just being yourself there's really nothing bad about it
28, I can be loud or I can be very quiet. Very good at listening but not so much at talking. Or I can be very talkative and not know the meaning of stfu, it depends on the conversation. When it comes to social events or the like I just don't care. When it comes to technology or the like depending on what it is I could be very into it. Gossip or the like doesn't interest me
I’m 23 and I HATE people that overtalk, especially while working on group projects, these kinda people have little to no knowledge but since they are EXTREMELY TALKATIVE they somehow take the upper hand and just snatch your credit away from you for the work that YOU did since you cannot talk that much…arrgh the only time I can speak somewhat is when I’m very high, but you gotta understand that I cannot stay high 24/7 as that will deteriorate my health…I soo wish to just put a yellow tape on their lips or in simple words just hope that they don’t come 10ft close to me
Not having anything to say doesn't mean I'm awkward. It just means I don't have anything to say at the moment. I can talk just fine.
The upsetting thing is that sometimes i think its a peaceful silence but the person next to me thinks its awkward.
True. Why do ppl keep conversation going? Should always be there smth to talk?
Bro I had an Epiphany when you said “embrace the awkwardness”. I couldn’t figure out why I could never shake the awkwardness until I started doing this. You deserve more followers 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
The fact that you are watching this video means you are at least part of the way to creating a better life for yourself. All your regrets are in the past, this is your oppurtunity to make the decision to start creating for yourself the life that you want!
Good luck friend!
Thank you, that's very kind of you to say :) Good luck to you as well :)
THANKS
Or not
Thanks buddy 🙏
The trick to never running out of things to say: You actually always have something to say, you just convince yourself it's uninteresting.
Just let whatever is on your mind come out, and the other person will probably find it more interesting than you think.
but what if they don't? if I approached someone to talk to them about something that they're clearly not interested in (whether they're pretending to be interested or not), I'd cringe about it for years
Me: "Did you know that Garavito is a colombian serial killer who killed over 200 children and maybe he will be released from prison for good behavior in 2023?
...
Oh, you gotta go?"
I do that sometimes and people find it weird and out of context. They dunno how to respond
@@daniilromanenko3677 Or you can choose to not find it cringey. If you do that to enough people, eventually you'll find people who you can connect with on such a deep level it will literally blow your mind. Just my opinion.
@@RealJamieBarclay alright, i'll try that. thanks for the advice
I just never have anything to say, no strong emotions, and people get bored of me very quickly
I feel the exact same way. I suspect I’m on the autism spectrum but many say it’s just depression so idk
Same here especially with women
Me too… no advice for conversation works because nothing ever comes to mind
I feel like movies and social media play a big part in a lot of anxiety from teens today. In movies it seems so effortless and smooth to meet people and interact with strangers but it just isn't like that. Once I got the advice that interactions are supposed to be awkward is when I realized how normal every conversation really is. But some are more awkward than other lol
Dude your content is fire I’m so grateful for the amount of time energy and patience you put into these videos. Thank you 🙏.
I do my best, thank you for watching them
The quality goes up video by video
I used to be almost paralyzed in social situations but I learned to deal with it by learning to not give a damn whether they liked me or not.
I realized they are not better or more interesting than me.
I don't have to please them, so I talk about what I want to talk about.
This makes me more relaxed and less awkward.
what type of stuff do you talk about?
I think I've gotten fired from like 10 jobs this year because of my awkwardness. Which is now turning into anxiety because I can barely afford rent despite being the hardest worker at many places. I'm hoping this video helps. Thanks again Cole.
What a stupid reason to fire you!
If you just communicate good about work it should be fine, but everyone these days want a open speaking person that talks about anything and that mentality is just wrong imo.
@@magnus5747 can you explain more about what you mean
That definitely isn't believable that you got fired from 10 jobs In a year cause you are awkward....I'm awkward af in every job i ever had, and for some reason people love me for it lol probably because I'm different than all the other sheeple at work
@@Psycho_Logical_631different places, different situations, different people= different outcomes. Just because you had a different experience doesn’t mean the other person is lying.
I can relate to that... Ppl start talking very formally, sometimes even cracking a light joke or two... But many times, almost always, "someone" enters the "scene" to disturb things . Prodding me with questions that make me feel awkward, answer-less and leaving me with a feeling of constant vulnerability that lingers on... And i end up acting awkward ..... Until i feel that i can't take it anymore... Despite my liking for the job, financial situation, the unpaid debts and upcoming expenses, i QUIT
I know youre suppose to feel more comfortable with the people who know you, but for me thats not the case. I feel more expressive and less anti social when Im with strangers or people who dont know me because they dont know my negative traits or my dark past etc
Hey man, I can somewhat relate with your struggle. Something that’s helped me is working through why I have (and believe I have) these negative traits through meditation and journaling. I found that changing your self-perception does wonders in how others perceive you through improving your nonverbal communication; they say words are only 10% of communication, and I’m certain nobody can completely control the other 90% of tone, posture, etc.
In the end I believe a lot of self-improvement is a mental game. Best of luck!
this is exactly me
Me too
I contemplated about this before. And I did some self reflecting on two different scenarios.
The first scenario is me on a date with any stranger of the opposite sex.
The second scenario is me alone with my best buddy.
In the first scenario, I have a harder time coming up with topics,whereas it's easier in the second scenario with my best bud.
I realize the difference lies in your comfortability. The more comfortable you are, topics just spring out effortlessly.
The trick to get rid of social anxiety is to not give a fuck what others think but mostly to never take rejection personally
There’s a million reasons why strangers don’t want to speak to us and it’s mostly out of our control.
Talk about whatever you want,tho begin with small easy talk then gradually talk about deeper stuff once u get comfortable.
Sometimes strangers don’t have time,they might have their own issues or bad days and millions of other possible issues so I never really take rejection personally unless I said something bad
It’s not just about us and that’s how I came to understand there’s nothing to fear and to stop overthinking if I’m boring this or whatever
Not to say we shouldn’t improve our social
Improving charm and kindness helps a lot
The thing is getting your mind to believe you don’t gaf
@𝙰𝚛𝚒𝚏𝚞𝚖𝚒 Absolutely everything you said is the exact same for me, especially the fear of being Ignored. Swear it's like I wrote this comment myself. But seriously, when I was a child my social skills were perfect and I had absolute confidence in it, and ever since I hit the teens, not so much. A lot of the times when I stay quiet my mind wants to say something, but that fear keeps on seeping in. It's a proper struggle. I feel me and you are the same.
This is one of the few self improvement channels that actually promotes honesty and self reflection, rather than chest thumping and 'being a man'
Incredible that you legit went to the party talked to your ex’s boyfriend. I’m sure you felt some mix of resentment and jealousy and such, but you clearly grew past that and embraced the situation as it was, thinking and acting positively despite all.
long story short, it's a kinda mess from how things progressed with my ex, but i know her ex "after me" good, it's actually someone we knew from going out etc, but the dude experienced worse in 4months with her then me with 3 year's almost back then xD. seeing now, my ex is = she belongs to the streets material.
Lol why in fucks sake would you go to anything with your ex
See that's what I thought. I'm glad I wasn't the only one. Usually you'd just stay away from places you know your ex is gonna be or at least not associate with them in any social environment.
so childish@@kazkikongokiller6447
How he didn't get diarrhea from all that stress tho
Just know you have something to give. Be willing to give a piece of yourself in social conversations, it will open you up so much more. Never wait to receive!
I think people are being awkward because they feel like they supposed to do something about a certain situation so they feel anxious all the time questioning their behavior and their speaking . for ex : someone in a party will be like " now i sould dance , but wait i dont look good , now i will sit , now they are staring at me maybe i should stand ...etc so they are drowned by their inner voices . JUST DO YOU , AND DONT STRESS ABOUT IT .IF U WANNA STAY SILENT STAY SILENT COMFORTABLY DONT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT , ALSO SURROUND URSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVES U AND ACCEPT YOUR AWKWARDNESS AND PUSHES U TO OVERCOME IT .
what is worse than the slight awkwardness is the regret you will have for not taking that slight risk don't be afraid to speak us we are all human which means everyone yes EVERYONE has something in common with you through convo you can find that commondarity !
Well considering whoever I’m with likes to make jabs at my difficulty holding conversation for literally the entire duration of the event I’m at, no, you’re speaking for yourself when you say you regret not taking the risk.
Since going back to school after Covid, I have lost all social skills! 😭 I also have no friends and I don’t fit in! 🤐
Both of these parts are strangely accurate to my situation and the fact that the negatives are so on point was strange. I didn't expect anyone else to be having the same experiences so I just want to say thank you for the motivation and understanding to improve aspects of my life.
I'm the kind of person who needs to be talked to first. And after that I can actually keep a conversation going. Especially if they keep responding. But I definitely want to become a conversation starter
I’ve been going through this for so long and I realized that it was my fault the whole time. Don’t overthink being yourself is your best self.
rule #1 to making easy friends : be attractive
This applies to everything not just friends #lifehack
I told people about your debit card and now i get no rejections. Thanks👍
At this point, I don't have much of a desire to really connect with people outside of the few in my inner circle; now, not because I don't feel good enough, but because I have a deep mistrust of others, that borders on genuine prejudice. I have a tendency to view those around me as predatory, whether it's mentally, emotionally, or physically. It's definitely just as much a biproduct of past experience with others, as the topic of this video. And, deep down, I know that it's unhealthy to feel this way, but my fear of falling victim to the malevolence of others, outweighs my common sense. I don't even feel safe in my own bed anymore, because I hate the vulnerability of being asleep.
I pray for you 🙏
As an extrovert who is slowly entering another introvert phase I honestly love putting myself in this situation again so I can still solidify my speech.
thank bro, being "weird" is one of the worst feeling ever, wish we will escape this situation.
People are too judge mental nowadays that’s why I’m so anxious. They always hate when ugly/people who think the same talk to them
You gotta force yourself. As an awkward person Its becoming more natural each day. Its painfull beacuse at first you fail miserably and feel terrible. But dont worry you'll find the right people who like you
My problem is that I genuinely have no idea what to talk about. I cant even find/pick a topic. These kind of videos are always about the fear of having conversations or whatever. But I only experience the awkwardness because I dont know what to talk about. And for now I cant seem to find a fix to that, because well.. if my head is empty I cant do much about it.
I struggled with this when I smoked weed and played video games all day I didn’t have anything to talk about. Moved to a place I enjoyed started working on a ski resort learned how to snowboard gained some hobbies (still smoked and played video games so they weren’t the problem necessarily, it’s if that’s all you do) once I found things I felt comfortable sharing with other people it became hard for me to shut up
when i was in middle school i was the most talkative and playful person. then i got to high school everything started to change. i was the quiet kid in class. i switched schools 3 years out of the 4 years of high school which made it a lot harder to adapt and make friends. in junior year i was able to find a really fun group of friends but i was still the most BORING and QUIET person in the group. it went on like that until senior year of high school but i really didn’t see a problem with it. i mean, i did, but i didnt feel AS bad as i feel now. im in my freshman year of college and im literally unable to make a conversation with anybody without feeling extremely anxious. mostly because i feel that im unfunny and boring and have nothing exciting going on in my life 😢
By watching this video I realized what I had wrong. I am too stuck at the “small talk” stage, and haven’t thought about the “getting deep” stage. Idk why but I haven’t given it enough attention….. that’s why I have so many problems with connecting. I am very good at initiating conversations, but my real problem is definitely with the deep talk, because I seem to not get any luck with knowing someone even better, although we continue to keep a consistent mutual connection….
Shout out to Cole for taking care of himself to give us constant content for October much live brother
I definitely did not take care of myself as I should this past week to make all these videos hahaha but thank you
@@ColeHastings 🤦🏿♂️😂 after this spree of content definitely take that well deserved break
It's ridiculous how spot on your description of me was in this video, always been socially awkward due to being different but started being able to socialize more in recent years though I do have 2 main problems, not being able to remember names well (which can be awkward when approaching others😅) and not being able to keep a conversation going (since as I mentioned I don't have many common topics to use in a conversation)
when i am really myself, I get disconnected from everything around me, whether it's people, things, moments, etc. So I don't even think about how to act properly, how to speak appropriately, how to act normally like society expect, because THIS is my true self, and my true self really doesnt gives a damn about society, and I don't think there's something wrong with me, but when they make it look like there's something wrong, it bothers me. What I think its normal, society thinks it's strange... what i think its strange, society thinks its normal. so i build a mask, to hide my true self, the true self that is the total opposite of society, whether in thought, action, perspective, etc. to protect my true self from society.. 'Cause I know my true self won't be welcome in it, And I know that society will see my true self as a threat., when actually its not. And I know they'll want to hide things from people like me, because they FEAR me. And I feel anxious that I don't understand that, that fear of them... Because in my head, the way I act is completely normal. I don't feel like a threat to anyone, but when they start treating me like a threat, excluding me, wanting to literally eliminate me from their lives in the worst possible ways, even though it's the first time I've met them in my life, I get... confused.
What’s up cole. I’ve learned to just not take human interaction too seriously I noticed that ppl are so flawed no matter the status that ppl do not intimidate me. I’ve always loved psychology astrology metaphysics and going door to door for work for almost ten years has changed me greatly
Life certainly is difficult when you feel awkward around people and never have anything interesting to say, I'm always that person just sitting there quietly whenever we have family gathering and it just gets so awkward for me, getting a haircut I just sit there quietly throughout with hardly saying a word to the barber, always struggled finding a job, making friends and getting a girlfriend.. wish I was one of those talkative people that just comes naturally for them with always having something to say.. so unfair
i dont really struggle with self-esteem socially, it's just a fact that im awkward (for now) and im at peace with that! im not too concerned about rejection/the approach, i just want to change my awkwardness bc i love talking to people (when it goes smoothly 😭). my biggest takeaway from this video was definitely to embrace the awkward. the point about overthinking how to stop the conversation from being awkward really resonated, it just makes so much sense
Another really helpful video! Being introverted I can often overthink certain things that you mentioned but I really want to get better at it so I appreciate your video! I also am a fan of Max’s as well!
“This is a great opportunity for me to get into an awkward situation” 😂😂😂😂 love this guy
I used to often hang out with the one guy in any large group who was seen as the "guy nobody likes". I would pick this guy out in a group, specifically become friends with him, and then around him, we could both just say whatever the hell we wanted on our own. Say what you want, but this tactic has never failed me.
I just learned I have social anxiety by watching this and i really want to get out of it. I try talking to people but I always struggle with the small talk 😭.
Here too 😅
Kinda late but tbh it just comes down to practice and repetition. It's a skill just as if you were practicing for a sport. Over time you get better as you keep doing it. I struggle sometimes too but I've come a long way from where I started
The most helpful thing is to have a plan. Literally. Make a plan on what to ask, what to respond, listen etc.
I know this is a year later but DONT make plans on what to respond with. If they say something you don't expect you're going to make it way more awkward than you would by just gunning it
@@KyeCreates I say you have to get used to improvizing answers as well. Still, for me I think it's useful to have plans for what to response with too. Depends from person to person.
For this topic, I would recommend reading dale Carnegie's "how to win friends and influence people", I didn't read the entire book because I felt ready with the first 3 advices he gave. Being curious it's a big upside that can be applied to every conversation, the other upside would be having a good observational eye. There's always something interesting to learn from the other person, thus the question should point out to all the things we don't know, which that person will keenly answer. Questions arises from other questions, but for that matters we shall focus on what the other person is saying: by listening we know what next question should be, or maybe we prefer not to make any question and just to add up to the subject in other way. I think that when you focus yourself on the topic being discussed, the awkwardness is impossible, but I think our interlocutor usually enjoys more being asked questions than listening to our remarks. But it depends since there are bad questions and good remarks. But I think questions have more potential: who doesn't enjoy or would feel awkward answering about a topic that, not only the other person knows wells, but surely loves ?
"So what are you thinking of?", "You feeling okay?", "I just... Did you ever...?" Here, three phrases to obliterate awkward silences. You're welcome. 👍
There's been times when l would feel uncomfortable around others leading to awkwardness. I don't deserve to look and feel awkward. I been struggling with this issue for some time
Ive got major autism so it’s difficult for me to gauge what other people would even want to talk about with someone they’ve just met. I could talk to them about a lot of things but I often feel like nothing I say would interest them like it interests me. I don’t want to come off as self centered or overbearing with how I talk so most of the time I just.. don’t.
Trying to get over the things I was told and taught as a kid. I’m not very good at socializing at first but I do enjoy having conversations with people. I was kinda shunned out of talking as a kid but I’ve made some friends who are like me and kind of opened me up to the idea of socializing more. makes me realize that I never actually liked being quiet or alone. I think I really just need to focus on not overthinking. Some people may find me weird and awkward but dammit I’m trying and that should be enough for me.
This was me for most of college. God this hits home for me
What a fantastic video! Well edited and well-made. I have struggled with this exact thing so much due to CPTSD. Now I feel a little more motivated to get out there and try to establish friendships and re-build some old ones. Thanks Cole.
You know what Cole, thanks so much for the amount of effort and error you put into getting this type of information. Really helpful and really appreciate it.
With me, my head usually goes blank.
I literally have nothing to say
Same!
Tbh to become socially adept you have to just throw yourself into community and embrace conversations with everyone you see. The more people you speak with the easier it’ll become. Also you need to be doing things with your life. Become interesting by reading books, taking up new hobbies, excelling at your job etc… what used to be so natural to us humans is being destroyed by computers and smartphones.
I found when I really like a person in a romantic way. I never know what to say. I don’t really have any strong opinions about anything. Being so neutral and stoic and passive in this world really hold me back. I guess it’s because when I was younger, I had a lot of responsibility, but now that I’m older and more free I’m in search of who I am. I can’t always be about goals and hobbies. I really want to discover what fun it is to me outside of entertainment.
A lot of people knows who my crush is at this point and she probably does now too. But I still can't get over the anxiety to approach her.
I can have good convos with certain strangers but I feel like a lot of people want to mind their own business. Guess it depends on the situation. Then again, I got a friend that practically knows everyone. We could be in another city at some random restaurant and he randomly strikes up a convo with someone he knew from years ago. Guess it’s just trial and error. Definitely has gotten a lot easier just listening and asking questions.
people are always too busy and already have as many friends as they want.
I couldn't finish the video just yet cuz I have to go to work but I would also say in the approach stage it helps to WANT to talk to people if your comfortable in your own skin/identity. I thought I was boring because I was. Now, I have shit to talk about because I do more shit. I comitted myself to activities and hobbies that create context about my interests and I'm learning life lessons with people and on my own so now I can speak from experience on life's phenomena as well. Hope that made sense....
Two years ago I got depression and burn out from overworking, I was totally desocialized, Start of 2021 I started a therapy, it took me a complete year of making bad experiences in therms of socialize with people, now it is better but even yet it takes much strength and motivation to do so, because even if you now new people it takes time and continuity to build up, deep relationships.
Daaam this advice of not thinking of what to say rather what to ask based on what the person you were talking to, was saying. Is absolutely brilliant
Definitely true, all meaningful friendships I had that happened after my childhood started of in a somewhat awkward situation, but I did not care about it.
This is a really good video, thanks for making it. It gave me a lot to think about and helped me realize that I'm actually pretty damn good at talking to people, and my fear is nonsensical but also fun in a way.
It''s not axiety. It's just that most people are REALLY boring and having conversation with them is just wasting my time. Other people are talking this "small talk" but they are not really instrested. They are just faking their personality for others. That's being a true loser. Not being able to handle that you might be ignored or not "worthy" in the group. So they talk sh1t and pretend.It's just better to focus on yourself and ignore others. Others will come to you eventually because you work on yourself and they don't. But it comes up later in the stage of life around 25-30 i think.
I often want to talk to people. And i have a questions in my mind instantly. BUT. I always realize. I don't give a fuck about them. All that is important i me, my family and people that hold me dear.
THIS! I always get this feeling people are just soooo boring and shallow they don't talk about any interesting topics, i've tried many times but it's like they're not even there
Yepp. I have issue with holding out conversations with people who I feel no connection to. A lot of the time people are talking about such mindless things, I get so bored.
Problem is I gotta talk to people at my job. I need a career switch because I don't see this changing .. I used to love talking to random people about whatever. Now, it's just draining.
@@Astrid_Dusk what was different back then that made you like it
@@spicymeatballs2thespicening it's like this person said. I used to like that small talk stuff. Now I only like expending my energy on my family and people I actually feel a connection with. The rest of my energy goes to me and me only.
I'm more of a sit back and observe type of person now.
My social awkwardness comes from elementary school, i would try to contribute to some conversation going on and would be laughed at, which would be fine if it was a joke. So i just stopped contributing. And here i am 30 years later trying to get my shit together.
Makes me think of a dinner the family was having, my 4 year old niece said something and i replied with a little joke like i usually do with her, but she started crying in front of the whole family. We all consoled her and she seems unaffected by it now, and i felt terrible. But it could potentially ruin someone's social life, and it was so insignificant, not even meant as an insult. I don't even remember what i said. But it goes to show you, [hopefully] whatever happened in your childhood that still causes anxiety was something so small, why did i let it ruin my life for so long?
this video ius exactly what i was searching for
that's the thing, idk what to respond
most of the time it's just "yeahh..", "same.." etc
One thing that can help is just not feeling the need to talk to a person. Like you don’t HAVE to talk to them. That could help you relax. It helps me.
That don’t help me it does the opposite because then I don’t want to put In any effort and cut the convo short
How to be open minded ?
Everytime the opposite gender is involved I get anxious. My mindset is like this "It'll seem creepy if I try to talk to a girl" "Talk only when a girl wants to, otherwise I'm being a bother" "I should stay away from girls. Touching is a NO NO" "Boys shouldn't be too involved or friendly with girls" "You should always be polite to girls (and everyone else too) and can't say bad things" "Texting a girl will mean that I'm tryna hit on her and will come off as creepy dude"
Whenever i see a dude around girls I think "Why isn't he feeling shy, embarrassed or ashamed" or "How is he taking a picture with a girl or going to some place with a girl. Isn't this inappropriate"
Your channel is invaluable to us with social anxiety/on the spectrum!
To tell the truth, i'm too shy to talk with people even online. Oh my god, what i'm doing with my life.
Make me want to end it all
you made me feel so good. It gave me hope that maybe I can do this. Little by little, of course. Thank you for the comfort.
That story about talking to the ex’s new guy at the bougie party about the party itself and the whole context of their meeting is a game changer. Usually I never know anything normal to say after “hey how’s it going?” After the silence has gone on long enough and they haven’t offered a topic they’re interested in I’ll get insanely anxious and ask something really really stupid that’s probably an animal fact I picked up from YT
Just saw the thumbnail of ‘what i had to do to stop hating myself’ and god dang Cole you’re jacked as
Skip to 4:50... But this is a great, useful video
I can totally relate to this video but not in the way you might think!!
In the past 7 years I’ve lived in over 9 countries…..I was in Thailand during the 2014 Military Coup, in Honk Kong during the Umbrella Protest/Riots, In South Korea when Kim Jung Un crossed the militarized zone……I’ve visited Japan, Cambodia, Thailand and countless others countries.
I can have an Interesting conversation with somebody I just choose not to, I avoid small talk! and prefer conversations that form connections.
Don’t beat yourself up if you have trouble having conversations with others……Take this time to learn about yourself and grow as a person.
It’s cool that you are helping others be more social Cole!!! Cheers!
Conversing with most people makes my head hurt. I swear i still haven't found the solution for social anxiety, gotta search deeper
"And then the conversation ends there", I hate how accurate that is
You just made me start journaling my day to day events which i always wanted to, I don't know how fruitful this will be, but am sure it will worth it
im actually really good at talking to strangers cause theres so much i can ask about but im pretty lame to talk to with friends😭
What I do if I feel like no one wants to talks to me and I annoy them?
My problem is when i am myself ,when i am not constantly thinking about what to say next,i talk well,we have a good conversation,a good laugh
But just when i remember ohh i am talking so confidently,i get the pressure to keep it going and then it all goes downhill
I used to never have trouble socializing. In fact I was often called a chatterbox. But then my parents divorced and I got an abusive stepmom. Now whenever I tried to talk I was pushed away, and if I said something that wasn’t good in her eyes, I was yelled at too. From that point I got scared of talking at all, especially on the phone as she called me frequently to make sure I was following all her orders for the day. I even set her ringtone to scary music.
Luckily, I was able to move in with my grandparents who were much more supportive of me. From those positive conversations I was able to reduce my anxiety and talk a lot more. Nowadays I can say I’m pretty much fully recovered and I can talk to anyone!
it hit when you said you feel like you aren’t good enough to make real friends.