To all husbands: if you worry about something and you don’t tell your wife to not make her worry - I GUARANTEE - she notices. 100%. And it affects her.
@@awakenedone7577 if this is truly what happens when you are completely reasonable, it means she is a huge red flag. But if you are not completely reasonable then it may be also you…
I was a military wife for many years. My husband was constantly deployed or out to sea for the first 6 years of our marriage. We had 3 kids under three in the beginning of our marriage. He was constantly gone for months at a time then home for 2 weeks then gone for 4 months then home for 4 months then gone for a year etc. it was HARD. The hardest part was when he came home. I put my big girl panties on when he left and took care of EVERYTHING and everyone. It was HARD. When he came home he seemed to have certain expectations. He thought it was his time to relax while I continued to do all of the parenting and all of the housework etc. He didn’t respect the schedules that I had set that kept the children happy and me sane. It was like he threw a whole wrench in our lives every time he came home. He also expected everything to revolve around him. I would cry every day and was so stressed out and overwhelmed and overstimulated that I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was obvious he didn’t like me and frankly I didn’t like him either. I was depressed and unhappy and we discussed divorce multiple times. Once he stopped deploying and started spending significant amounts of time at home things got SOO much better. I finally had help and we were able to adjust the schedules in a way that was helpful to both of us etc… I promise him being away is causing her to have a really hard time. He doesn’t see all the problems it’s causing and just blames her for everything. He needs to do some serious self reflecting and have some important conversations with her that don’t start out with YOU don’t listen and I don’t like YOU.
Wow. Same story here. When the kids were small my husband was underway all the time. He was very critical when he was home and wanted things done a certain way. We were young and he had no idea what I was going through. I didn’t express myself and he didn’t either. It hit the fan one day when he compared me to his sailor buddy’s wife who had older kids. We had a come to Jesus moment. 😂 We got through it and we’ve been married 21 years. That said I never lashed out at other people.
The first two commenters are super stars. Thanks for sharing and for your perspective. It is really good for us to realize that military sacrifices are made by the entire family not just the soldier
Amen, sister! I was a civilian military wife, and family life- all of it- landed on my shoulders. We had a rhythm when he was gone, and it was hard keeping all the balls in the air, but we did it. When he came home on leave, not only did he disrupt our rhythm, he caused the whole thing to come to a screeching halt! Rules would change, bedtimes changed, but he didn't help, because he was on vacation! When he left the military after 5 years in Afghanistan, he came home. He looked for a job, but couldn't find one he liked, so he didn't work. We divorced. Love each other? Like each other? Heck, we didn't KNOW each other!!!!😑
Three minutes in and I can tell you she's overwhelmed and he's neglectful, because they've been astranged for the entirety of their marriage and they don't even know eachother anymore.
Completely agree 100%. Also most his issues he has about his wife completely matches up with the profile of undiagnosed and untreated ADHD. I might be completely wrong but for context I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD since grade 3 and do academic research on ADHD. Not trying to diagnose her just pointing out the lack of care and communication could be causing them to miss a fixable issue that is not fixed to her actual personality.
My thoughts too! I forget a lot of what my husband has said or told me and it’s actually embarrassing because I think something is wrong with me. I really think I have undiagnosed ADD. I also have a couple chronic illnesses that make me have brain fog along with taking care of kids. It’s hard when you’re solo parenting like she seems to be doing. An airline pilot is gone for quite a few days in a row. I think it’s sweet of her to ask him to go out on a date since they don’t see each other often.
@@ellamackinnon6484 same here, I'm not a good listener and I often tend to dose off without even noticing, especially if someone is talking nonsense or over-explaining themselves.
As an adult recently diagnosed with ADHD his list of things that he doesn’t like sound like that could be a cause. Definitely need her side of the story.
The way he described it makes me think his wife is probably not a bad person, but she is a VERY overstimulated, overworked mom taping together her mental health because she has no time for anything and all this built up comes out as frustration, not listening. Meanwhile, she's in survival mode and cant focus or retain information, or even think straight.. Even when he said "She didnt download the app to get into the museum" Everything is probably expected of her. Its hard being a busy mom in charge of ALL THE THINGS.
Why do women keep having children and then complaining about how hard it is? Isn't that understood before you have kids? Also, likely, she is the one who bought the museum tickets. Otherwise, why would she be the one talking to the clerk about the tickets?
If you’re a stay at home mom your job is to excel at those things and not be a raging nag to the entire planet. Absolutely no one would say it’s ok for a guy who’s spent the day roofing in the hot Sun to come home and be a 12-foot wiener to their wife. Stop infantilizing women. Grow up.
So, he's away a lot of the time, leaving her to run the house and raise a child on her own. She asks for date nights, and sounds overwhelmed. Instead of offering support, "he doesn't like her". What a douche.
Deloney you let this one go over your head. He isn’t even present in his household!!! He’s gone for days and weeks at a time and she’s practically a single mother. He recognized that she gets overstimulated and that she can lash out, but as a good husband he would share some of the burden so she wouldn’t get overstimulated. Does he control the son when they’re out in public? Why didn’t he do some research before they went to the museum? It sounds like he leaves her to crash and burn whether he’s present or away. I’d love to hear her side of the story. She seems to have a lot on her plate
Is this doctor even going to mention the fact that this caller has never been a full-time member of his own family, and that perhaps THAT might impact his wife?
Absentee father and husband who doesn't participate in his family...equals stressed out, post partum, emotionally volitile wife. She needs to divorce him.
@@sarahrobertson634 If the roles were reversed and the wife was complaining about the husband, I'm sure you would not be bashing her the same way. This is not a gender war. You clearly came to a conclusion here based on a male / female dynamic. You should try de-gender the caller and the callers spouse and think about what they really are saying. It's possible that he is an absentee father and the cause of many problems, yes. It's also possible she is everything he is saying she is. Who are we to know and judge based on the information available? Have an open mind. Men and women are not enemies.
No amount of stress she's under excuses her disrespect towards others. If i were one of her female friends, i wouldn't go out with her either, because it would be embarrassing to have her lashing out at people.
I heard that arrogance also. But I also don’t understand how he can love her but not like her. I don’t think he really loves her as a wife should be loved. He should know her and know that something’s going on that’s causing her to not be her best. He should be concerned about her and want to help her. That’s love. But instead he is concerned about himself and that her behavior is making him unhappy and uncomfortable. I heard no concerns for her. Sounds like narcissistic abuse
@@vinodhakirba8527It doesn’t excuse it. It does explain it. My guess is that she feels alone and trapped and he is not coming to help her. Like an animal with a foot caught in a vise.
I am an Airline pilot for 23 years and married for 20 years with two grownup kid. He needs to talk to someone in his carrier who is married and remain married for guidance. We all go though this initially as it is a high paid glamorous field, you see only good things in life when working. You will see everyone’s happy face at work and you think that is how everyone at home also. But at home, you are husband and wife and she doesn’t need to smile at you and ask do you need coffee or tea. I hope he will listen to some mature guys and change the way he thinks and expectations about family life.
Right? This man child lives the single life. Sounds like the wife is overwhelmed, doesn't receive help or support and is forgetful. I'm extremely forgetful due to the constant stress (of life in general) I'm in. My spouse gets so mad that I don't remember what he says. I just tell him I have a legit memory issue and it's not that I'm being purposeful with forgetting. This guy sounds like he has a supportive wife, a family and a home. Does he ask her about her? God he sounds like he's upset with a child. I'd put $ on thinking she's probably the nicest person but most tired person right now.
I don't think he is being a jerk per se, but he should tell her that he just doesn't want to be with her Him holding back the truth I causing the stress on them both.
He’s not hardly home, but when he’s home he dislikes her and doesn’t want to spend time with her. I said this on another episode of Dr. Deloney’s show when a man said he’s always regretted his marriage: A lot of men will sit there and be a cloud of insufferable energy over there household but refuse to leave and act like everything is okay.
He mentioned how she treats other people, and then can't understand how she is venting in other ways while saying he doesn't like her....OMG!!! And he thinks he contains his disdain for her?? People are so delusional. He will later blame the wife for filing for divorce and "breaking up the family".
Dr.John totally missed the mark on this one. The caller isnt being completely honest with his behaviour towards his wife. His wife had a child during COVID and for some females after giving birth the postpartum depression can look like anger and postparum depression can last for a few years. He checked out of the marriage a long time ago. And lies to his wife when she asks him if he likes her. He has some growing up to do. Does this caller listen to his wife when she is speaking to him?? I highly doubt it. I suspect he is constantly correcting her or telling her what she is doing wrong. That could be why she doesnt listen to him.
I was thinking this exact thing, especially the part where he is probably constantly correcting her. That sort of thing beats you down after awhile. You feel like your spouse is more like a parent. It's also likely that she is bottling up her emotions and then explodes. She shouldn't be taking her anger and frustration out on strangers, but I wonder if she has become really hard on herself over making mistakes because of the high standards of her husband. The pressure might be too much. It would be interesting to know if she acts the same way when her husband isn't around.
@@ConernicusRex "corrected". It's possible he's a nag. Usually it's the other way around, but it is possible for the man to be a nag too. When you can never do any right in the eyes of your partner it's soul crushing.
A woman quickly learns to not rely on a man if he is physically and/or emotionally gone. It’s also very strange for someone to come back into your home and try to make decisions and criticize you - especially when they are doing all of the child rearing and homemaking. She is probably lashing out because she feels neglected and knows the relationship is on the rocks.
The way he spoke like he was upset with a child... I can just imagine how he's actually talking to her like she's a child. I wonder why she would be on edge. She has no safety with him. Personally, I think this caller sounds like a tool.
Yes. In my last relationship at the end of the relationship, I started being more angry, lashing at him, I was nor happy how I became. As I have studied psychology I realised I was emotionally abused and lied like this guy liws ro his wife. He was saying hw loves me, he wants to be with me, but won't keep jis promises. Also my relationship was long-distance. I regret for how I behaved at the dnd of the relationship, it's called reactive abuse to some degree.
Yes. That is how me and my 3 sisters were raised. Or mom died when we were 21, 19, 14 and 14, and now 2 of us do not speak to our father, and one only with a lot of boundaries. He expected us to worship him for doing the bare minimum.
And your just going to give up on everything just because its over? Do you realize how much of a failure you sound like? You need to fight a little harder for your family. @@heatherjordan4022
Wow. This guy has no clue. I guarantee you brother. Your wife can't stand you either. Shes lost in her own mind, has brain fog, shes alone with a toddler all day . That's why she's miserable. You made her this way and now you don't like her. Lol, men like this are really something 😂😂
This sounds like a woman who has the world on her shoulders because she's the one home and running the house, taking care of the kid while her husband is away and then when he is back, I bet it was her who planned the day at the museum and tried to make everything go smoothly and sometimes things are just the straw that breaks the camels back, like the museum attendant asking if she downloaded the app as an answer to whatever issue she was inquiring about. She probably thought in her head 'oh, one more thing for ME to do!' Maybe the husband could have looked into what museum they were going to and noticed there was an app to download. Makes me wonder how involved in helping out he is when he is home as opposed to 'I'm home, drop everything and listen to me'.
So it isn’t possible she’s just an a-hole? Why is the narrative that the guy isn’t doing enough dishes, taking out enough trash, or telling her how awesome she is? Is it a man’s job to train another adult on how to behave? You ladies need to either step into adulthood or admit you’re the children you want to be.
@@sueshields9107 he's critical for sure. i did not care for that comment about "oh we work out all the time" so buddy we get it. she's still hot-not fat. god forbid
When I listened to this on Spotify I was screaming in my head at how Dr.John actually missed the mark on this caller. I knew I had to come to the comments on RUclips when it was released and was relieved to see that many other people, particularly wife’s and mothers, heard the same thing I did. This husband is not supporting his wife. His wife carries the entire burden of everything. She’s unsupported by him and he’s the absent husband who has no idea what she carries every single day. The wife wasn’t in the call but us women heard exactly what the problem is. Too many of us know all to well what she is experiencing and that’s exactly what it is. I love your show Dr.John, but you missed the mark on this one!
Agree completely. I wonder if he's considered dissecting the "she doesn't listen" problem. Is she on her phone when he's speaking to her, like is she straight up not paying attention? Or is she having memory problems? Or is she inconsiderate- has he ever asked why it's happening? Husbands do this all the time. Can't remember doctors' appointments for kids, which cereal brand is her favorite, etc. But now that a woman does it he doesn't like her anymore...okay. Super surprised John didn't address that this husband/father is not either of those. He's a person in a marriage and has made a child.
Can u imagine how much he goes out with his boys, because I can guarantee he definitely being a military pilot 😂 those people are notoriously know for cheating.
As a man. My first instinct is to accept this call for what it is before what the caller said. However, in marriage, I have learned that there are always two sides to the story. I would love to have the other side.
If she treats people so poorly in public, I really don’t want to hear her side of the story. This is sad. I hope the best for them. I was expecting Dr. John to recommend professional counseling. 😬
@@tonii2019even in that there’s always another side. Is the husband gone for large amounts of time and then coming home and wants to be out all the time at the museum, and at the park, and at the zoo etc to make up for missed time and the wife is exhausted and resentful? Does that excuse it if that’s the case? Or course not. But there’s something at that root. He liked her when he married her and something changed in her, or him, or them.
That's not the point of the video though, we're not litigating who's right or wrong in this situation. It doesn't matter. He called for advice on his handling of the situation.
These videos makes me rethink getting married! Couldn’t imagine being married to someone who doesn’t even like me, that’s like the minimum requirement 😬
It’s why marrying someone you don’t want to change is 🔥 Even in friendships though you can go through seasons where one of you doesn’t like the other but usually time together fixes that.
He voices zero concern for or curiosity about his wife and her state of well being. Not once did he suggest that he was thoughtful about her situation, her needs. It was weirdly lacking.
I wish he would have asked..."you did not like that she didnt have the App downloaded for the museum and "lashed out" at the worker....why could you not have downloaded the App? Instead of criticizing her, what do you even do to help?
He doesn't like her. Really?? What a major a-hole. Didn't stop him from impregnating her, did it? He's never there. How would he even know if he likes her? She asks for a date night night or some time with her husband, and he cringes. I hope this woman runs. Far and fast. And I am sure she has noticed. Women notice. Total jerk. Man I am so mad for that poor woman and she is stuck with that piece of work in her life forever.
My ex worked for Airline he was a jerk. He said if I didn’t have anything intelligent to say don’t talk to him. I was stay home with 2 kids. He chose to hang out with coworkers instead with me and the kids. Been divorced 19 years it still hurts.
@AEdavirgin How much can he belittle her when he doesn't want or like her. Those kids didn't need to live with Mr. Wonderful. He broke up their home as well without a miniscule consideration for anyone's welfare but his own.
John dropped the ball on this call. That Husband has been absent and not involved with his home life. Why can’t He download the damn app and actually participate in the relationship. This man doesn’t love his wife.
Right, why does it have to be her job to download the app, he could download the app too! How does he behave behind the scenes that makes her so stressed out when something goes wrong while out. I'm sure there are a bunch of things she has to say about how he behaves. Maybe stopping for gas at that point is going to make them late for something and she's wondering why he didn't say something about needing gas sooner so they could have planned for it.
She sounds like a bag of nerves poor woman. It was wrong to snap at anyone but at the end of the day she’s only human. I’d quite like to know what he was doing while she was struggling to cope
@@hummingbird4934ooooorrrrr.... she has always had these behavioral issues but, being deployed, he wasn't around enough to really see them for what they are. I mean, it's POSSIBLE. 🤷🏿♂️ We have to stop prefacing these conversations with the assumption that the woman in question walks on water. It's condescending, to say the least.
@@SusannaKHmmm not always the case. You're seeing that because you got cheated on or had an affair. This happens because he has certain expectations of his wife due to his upbringing or culture and she isn't fulfilling that role. I also suspect she has the same problem. She expects him to help around the house when his home but doesn't do that, instead he wants to relax since that's his time off work, but she never gets that.
@@carriebell3566 This is not about what should be, it's about what is. There's two people unable to understand each others perspectives and both of thel feel like they're right. Their feelings are indeed valid but they're going about this totally wrong. What they need is empathy for each other and a way to get both of their needs met
My friend was married to someone who was away a lot of the time. She had to cope alone 3 weeks out of 4, then he’d come back for a week and turn her world upside down then leave again. It’s a difficult life, you have to change how you live
@@RepentImmediately No, she has to cope on her own by herself so when he comes home and wants everything to revert back to the routine before he left makes it difficult to transition. Military wives deal with this quite often.
The vast majority of the comments on the full video are spot on! Take a moment to watch the full version then read the comments…John missed the mark on this one, but his audience came through with flying colors!! Anyone who has walked in similar shoes of this wife will have recognized the situation immediately!!!
This guy is a self centered jerk! I went to the full broadcast and he’s not even trying to connect with his wife or even consider how difficult her life is when he’s gone! It’s all about him and his judgements of her! That poor woman!
Maybe you don’t realize everything she has to go through while you’re gone most of the time? As a former military spouse, when your husband leaves your left with everything - kids, house, car, yard…. it can sometimes be overwhelming. I don’t think many military members realize that.
When you are in the Military there are often support groups ... the Airlines, not so much. It is a lot , especially when you are uprooted from your support network. Wishing you good things. From a former wife of a Military / Airline pilot...
I need to hear her side. Having young kids makes your mind mush -- staying at home all day, every day with them, even mushier. Ever since our two small kids were born, I often struggle to truly listen and even comprehend what my husband is saying. No joke. It bothers me too.
I work from home (self-employed) and I definitely felt like my brain was melting when I moved to working from home to stay with the kids as a dad. One of the biggest things that helped was creating schedules of things to do with them throughout the day, where I could still work from the phone as needed. We get out of the house and go to church, go to the park, go to the mall, visit with family and friends over coffee. Staying in the house with a bunch of kids is too draining for me, but it also means more chores have to be done later.
@@gewurztramina K… what was the point of that comment? Lol What you just said is the equivalent of me saying “The most ruthless killers call sometimes” and you replying “Were all killers. It’s human nature”.
Is this caller a partner to his wife? He's been gone their whole relationship leaving her with all responsibilities of the home and the entire mental load. He waltzes in now and then (possibly expecting perfection) and disrupts everyday life. John forgot to ask what the caller is contributing to the relationship besides financial stability. I agree with other posters who suspect undiagnosed ADHD.
Describing a man returning home from work as "waltzing in" and "disrupting everyday life" is wild. Then to top it off we are now making up that he demands perfection. Meanwhile, his wife lashes out at strangers but its not her fault cause she probably has adhd. Why do we insist on infantilizing women and vilainizing men? Maybe she has adhd...or maybe she has a volitile personality. If the roles were reversed people would say he was a narcissist and that she should leave him.
@@mskimy1125no, it is her fault, but meltdowns like that when you have autism or adhd are not the same as 'just being a jerk'. It's caused by overwhelm from actual brain processes that are different in neurodiglvergent people. They can absolutely be managed but not in the same way you'd manage it with a typical person. She needs treatment, counselling, and maybe meds specific for her co dition. That will make a world of difference and stop that behavior.
They need serious counseling, not a call in show. Hubby drops in from time to time like a comet visiting earth, and wifey is supposed to drop everything and focus intently on him. Meanwhile she is saddled with a stressful and boring life and she may well need mental help (as may he) and a lot of understanding. She probably doesn't like him either. He lies that he likes her when he doesn't. Her back is to the wall and of course she lashes out. Meanwhile he is feeling important and necessary at a high paying job. She may well feel that she is nothing. Marriage is hard. He does not know this, not does he want to change his behavior. She is the one who "needs to change" so he is always comfortable. This man is an emotional infant. They both need help.
When I was married and my husband was in the army, he deployed for 15 months at a time while I was also active duty in the Air Force + taking care of our daughter full-time we definitely became resentful of each other. I'm sure he probably felt the same about me as this caller does his wife, I on the other hand was resentful that my husband dropped into our house from time-to-time and disrupted the household. I.E took over things and changed the routines when I was the one holding down the fort 98% of the time. Maybe this is why this caller's wife seems distant. Living completely separate lives can create a weird dynamic in a relationship.
He's pissed because his wife and household aren't to his standards. She's burned out, plain tired, and broken mentally and physically. Her treatment of other people outside of their family unit is an example if this. Your wife is not ok.
"Do you even like me?" he then lies instead of communicating. It's a problem when we want feedback, reassurance or want some honesty, and then get told what we don't need to hear.
Doesn’t matter. You have to be honest. That’s her responsibility to fix, and if she wants your assistance then great but it’s not on you. People are in control of themselves only.
Right?! One time my husband was like “ no I don’t” and I was like “I don’t like you either “ and we got over it a few days later 😂 marriage and love are a commitment
I hope he leaves her or figures out their issues before he begins to seek out other women😭 I’m a flight attendant and see pilots EVERYDAY cheat OPENLY on their wives. It’s disgusting. I hope this man can work through this or be honorable and leave before he does something disrespectful.
If I were to guess, he’s a new pilot and makes good money. There’s attractive flight attendants that he works with everyday in random cities and hotels. She’s probably really scared too that he’s being unfaithful. I think he’s going through a season of being unhappy in marriage and then sees the thrill of being a new hire pilot. He needs to make a choice.
Yep. He’s started a new career, it’s all new and exciting then comes home to a dowdy wife but he forgets she has to raise their child! If he doesn’t like his wife, he likes someone else!!!
Dr. John I love you but I think you missed STEP 1. The wife is clearly unhappy. Why doesn't the husband/caller ask if she's unhappy and help figure out why and listen instead of immediately launching into "I can't be with someone who is disrespectful to other people and who don't listen to me." She wasn't always like this. So why has she become this? And what role has he played directly or indirectly? I'm not saying he can't bring up the issues he doesn't like. I'm just saying, he shouldn't start there. And by starting I'm not saying it can't even be in the same conversation. It just can't be first if he wants to get anywhere with her. He gets to live the glorious life as the pilot who is revered, who travels, who looks amazing in the uniform and gets the oohs and aahs and she's at home trying to hold the rest of the family life together. Why couldn't he take charge of the museum day and download the app??? Like why was that HER responsibility? Dr. John, you're the guy in the limelight with the book and the podcast - similar to the pilot. So I think you missed calling the guy out on something because you and he are a lot alike and don't see the situation from her side. Nothing is as exhausting as living beneath your potential and unrealized dreams. Maybe she would like to do something with her life and she doesn't get a chance because she's supporting her husband's career and raising his kids. When you are burnt out, it's not that you don't listen, it's that you don't retain information. No one likes to be that person that yells at other people. She probably hates herself for doing it but she's so fried she can't control herself. Why doesn't the husband say, "What can I do for you? What are your dreams? Thank you for taking care of us." Before he starts to pick her apart.
Facts only woman are really seeing this guy for who he really is because I’m a military wife and I know exactly how military men like to throw everything on the wife then come home and run stuff like they haven’t been on all year then nit pick there wives to death
Great, thought out comment. He's playing the blame game. Speak for himself; what does he contribute. Does he try yo relieve some of her load. Give me a break. B lame, blame like a child.
Yup, it happened to me. But turns out I have huge abandonment issues. I took it as a threat and called her bluff. Now we've hurt each other so bad there's no fixing it
Ive come to a realization that as men, we are never off the hook. And thats okay. Thats how it’s supposed to be. When you’re married, your responsibilities go far beyond your career, paying the bills and “providing” for your family. Thats what a single man does: only take care of himself. But if youre married and have children, youre still responsible for your family’s daily upkeep. If your wife is dealing with 3 toddlers at home, you can come home, cook AND clean, just like you would come home as a single man, cook yourself something and wash the dishes. So many of us think that our big job and important career is significant enough to justify us distancing ourselves from the problems at home. That putting out fires at work justifies coming home to relax. Its not. Its how you distance yourself as a father. Its how you become distant as a husband/boyfriend/lover/everything. Masculinity is also about self sacrifice.
Two men who have no idea what it's like to be home with a toddler with no help from the other parent. It's likely she is very stressed, and they didn't consider that at all. Blame it on "seasons" and ignore the family balance issues.
My son was a terrible sleeper. I got 6 hours of interrupted sleep on a good night, 1-3 hours on a bad night. For 3.5 years. I had zero help from my husband (but a lot of criticism). It was exhausting.
@Bullen_3 it doesn't, and that is a failing that she has to deal with (whatever the cause). But he obviously has a wife that's struggling, and his reaction for years has just been to abandon her. He doesn't have the right to judge her.
I've been married 20 years. In our early years we resolved most of our conflicts through letters and email. Sometimes you have to try different forms of communication. As a bonus we go back and read them years later and it's always hilarious.
Good point. If my wife wants me to remember an event, its easier to email me so I can put it on my calendar. I’ll also send email reminders that are more effective than a text or passing word. I’ve stopped text fighting because it goes nowhere. Email fighting would likely be the same. Direct calm conversation is the best way for me.
To the caller and the therapist- Speaking from my own experience as a wife, mother, and full time working woman, this man’s wife is exhausted, she’s had years of being left behind, and carrying responsibility for everything to do with their home and child. She doesn’t hear him, because she’s living inside her own thoughts 99% of the time. The caller is high on living his single, exciting life, meeting younger men and women who might not be burdened with the same responsibility shouldered by his wife. He needs to be honest with himself, he doesn’t want a wife, child, and responsibilities, he wants to be free. He wants to live a single life answering only to himself, not to mention the chance of seeing other women (has he already had affairs?), he thinks that the grass is going to be greener on the other side, he’s in for a shock!
This is why men don’t talk about things. Women immediately defend, instead of hearing. Did he ever say he was perfect. He didn’t need to explain that she solely takes care of the kids it was IMPLIED, both men understood that point.
As he spends so much time away from home, I would have asked if he was seeing someone else and finding an excuse to dislike her. If she has a young child at home and she is alone, most of the time, she may just feel overwhelmed that she has most of the family responsibilities.
She might be so stressed out and she's lashing out. Sometimes women have issues expressing feelings as well. The issue I have is that men Sometimes don't want the woman coming back to him with issues she has with him. He just wants to be the one to have the issue. It's giving controlling vibes when men do that.
I have ADHD and (if that's it) it's possible to manage it way better than this. His wife sounds extremely challenging to deal with, sure some things I can't help like delayed verbal processing and forgetting conversations, which is why I take notes and use tools to help my memory. I take ownership over managing myself and my responsibilities, and I don't treat people in a mean or rude way. ADHD isn't an excuse for her being "emotionally explosive" at all and making others walk on eggshells, nor is it an excuse for avoiding accountability when you mess up. I wouldn't want to be around somebody like that either
True. Sounds like he’s working around what the real issue/situation is instead of pointing out her flaws! She’s tapped out from trying to connect with him.
Defensive much? People know when they are likable or difficilt. I know I'm difficult, get frustrsted easily, and dont listen well. He knows he is likeable and easy going...you can hear it in his voice. Why are you surprised by this?
@@dc1674 bro code duly noted. John’s advice was terrible then: No need to have a “state of the union talk with (the) wife”. She already knows she’s unlikeable and thus, her husband doesn’t like her. Simple!
Oh honey, this was me. And my husband is the same way. We’ve been married a decade and he went to alcohol for a few years to deal with it and then I realized my marriage was worth more. Have you told her any of these feelings. She’s emotionally snappy because she either doesn’t have a Community or she misses you and doesn’t think she matters.
I can guarantee that there is a huge lack of intimacy and connection, and that's why she's lashing out . She feels the rejection and disconnect since he's always gone . He's definitely not being 100% honest and shifting the blame all on her. I know this story to well . Smh
Once you allow resentment and contempt into your marriage, you’re in big trouble. Every relationship has this temptation. The tempting door to resentment is always present, both parties need to choose to not walk through it by being bravely honest.
My husband traveled for work almost every week for 2-4 days the first half of our marriage. It wasn't so bad before we had kids, but once we did, it was completely chaotic and overwhelming in every way. That was with my parent's helping me with the kids as much as they could when he was gone. Every week was an adjustment to him leaving, getting into a routine, being both mommy and daddy, just when you get into a bearable rhythm, not a good one just doable, he'd be back and throw a wrench in the whole thing. We all had to adjust and it was hard, worst than when he would go, the kids would act out horribly, just so much confusion. We would get I to the swing of things, and then again, have to revert back once he was gone again. I was a mess, the kids were a mess. Every week was something to be endured and just get thru, as opposed to something to be experienced and lived to the fullest. I went into survival mode, he did not. There was a huge disconnect. Thankfully, my husband is a wonderful man and pushed harder for a raise so we could hire some help around the house, just to give me a break. Honestly, in hind sight, I think just his understanding and compassion on me was what really helped, not so much the hired help, although that was nice. I definitely felt like I didn't have to just endure all the time. I was and still am thankful for his job, although it definitely was a love hate relationship. He stopped traveling for a living and started working from home after that, and boy was that whole another adjustment! But, I love having him here with us rather than on the road all the time. Much easier on our family dynamics, and not feeling like a parttime single parent. It was so stressful on me and the kids. My husband understood that, and how hard and sometimes damaging that really was. That was the biggest piece for us being able to connect again, as he specifically sought out a career where he wouldn't have to travel so much because of me and the kids. I would say, what this man is feeling or not liking about his wife is just a small percentage of the torment she is going through. He needs to seek to understand first before casting judgment.
When I said these words to the guy I was dating that’s when I knew it was time to let it go. “I don’t think you like me” that hurt to say out loud to him
@@iamjessie.bI get it. Sometimes a person will be with you to get benefits. Seggs, money, place to stay, and even just not to be alone., but they don’t like you or you’re just not “the one”. You deserve someone who likes and loves you. To all those who will listen, taking seggs off the table really helps to see things more clearly.
She’s overwhelmed! Have some empathy & change your tone. Step up as a husband and father! It amazes me that men like to have such big opinions when they are barely around. A woman treats you how you treat her!
His advice here misses the mark so badly. First of all the wife likely has undiagnosed and untreated ADHD which can manifest in not paying attention as well as impulse control issues and angry outbursts. This poor woman is at home alone with a young child half of the time while her husband is traveling and the other half of the time she is desperately trying to connect with and please her husband. John is giving advice on how the husband can dump more things on her to worry about and fix rather than encouraging him to have some patience and understanding. She likely needs medication and/or therapy for ADHD and probably more help at home to manage life while her husband is traveling!
I agree to some extent. It took someone to bring to my attention my behavior before I even THOUGHT about having ADHD. I'm glad my loved one said something so that I could work on me, and in turn, work with my husband on our relationship.
I just broke up with my boyfriend, because i knew he doesn't like me anymore. I'm the one who said that it's over between us, he doesn't say anything, he doesn't deny it. It hurts, but i don't wanna hurt myself more, and i don't wanna spend my time with a person who doesn't like me. And if my husband said he doesn't like me, man i better leave.
You are wise! Be very careful of who you marry. And never forget who you are and know your worth. It doesn’t matter if you’re ex didn’t know it.. you do and you know what he came close to having but he’s stupid. You deserve to be loved and you are smart enough to know when you’re getting less than what you deserve
Spot on. My husband and I have been married 29 years and we are having this super beautiful season now but at year 7-8 we had the hardest time. We actually got our selves into counseling with a wonderful older couple at our church for two years that helped us turn it all around. Work on it together it will be worth it.
She feels that contempt. He thinks she doesn't notice but she does. I guarantee you if she doesn't hear what he's saying on a car ride it's because she's worrying about what he thinks about her. He's never home and he acts like he hates her and to her she probabaly thinks he's found someone else. That's just how women can feel when their husband's are never home and then when they are they can't hide their contempt. Then I imagine he snaps at her in public in front of strangers which makes her feel even worse about their relationship. So he notices her being mean to strangers while he sees nothing wrong with saying things at her in front of those same people. She's frazzled with a 3 year old while he lives like they don't exist for the most part.
Do you know what’s agonizing and makes you feel “crazy”? Having a KNOWING FEELING but hearing the one you love, constantly lie- and denying what your intuition says. When something is different- you know it, because you FEEL it. When an ex went on a gaming trip with friends… he was distant, but I chalked it up to “he’s gaming, and having fun”… the moment he walked in the door- the love for me was gone. One look- that’s all it took… that love that was IN HIS EYES before he left… was gone. I knew it. Even though he told me all the things I “wanted to hear”… I knew. And thank god… because I’m happier now, than I’ve ever been. I feel whole. I feel loved, by myself, and those I love. It CRUSHED me at the time… but I’m glad I didn’t get what I thought I wanted. I learned to TRUST my instincts and intuition.. but other than that, I truly wish I’d never met him.
This guy doesn't deal with this an adult because of his job but allows his son to be exposed to these behaviors. Her entire life changes when he is home, he doesn't talk about daily things once in this call, he mentions going to a museum, dealing with others outside the home, it's always something different and special when he's home as far as is mentioned. That can be exhausting...
🔥This one sank fast and furious. 😢 Dr. John is off the mark; the condescending comments are crazy. She’s the one holding down the fort and dealing with the daily, he flies in and wants happy pants, meanwhile she’s tired/frustrated/and lonely. Ever been next to your spouse and yet a mile away in energy. She’s probably ready to find how to get out and find a marriage that is more balanced and stable. But hey, he doesn’t ‘like’ her. 😂
The caller is being truthful that he doesn’t like his wife, but he is making excuses for why he feels like that. Unfortunately, in these scenarios one person is likely just bored, and finds reasons to leave, no matter how trivial they are.
Perhaps frame it as: "I want to work toward improving the dynamic of our marriage and how we communicate." Be gentle and tender, and continue to express how much you cherish your spouse, family and life together.
She's probably exhausted from having to take care of everything while he's away. She probably resents him for not helping with their kid, etc. Hopefully she's honest with him as well.
The same happened to me for years, we almost separated… then the doctor found out it was ADD inattentive. So now, when I talk to him I don’t do it in a casual way as I do with other people. I just make him to stop doing whatever he is doing and then talk, so in that way, I’m sure he is only doing one thing at a time.
Honestly a lot of people could benefit from this advice of "just stop what you're doing and listen". I make my husband turn off the TV when I have something important to tell him.
@@shachede6828 why does Arabian Nights come to mind when I look at the letters of your name. The wife in question is obviously stressed and feeling pressure to have her husband proud of her. Remember she is a single parent and wants her husband happy when he is home. He is around perfectly dressed women who smell wonderful, smile his way and look like a million bucks.
He’s never there and she takes out her frustration on others. For him to say that she “likes him” but he doesn’t like her-he isn’t living in reality. Brother!
What I’ve noticed, is that people often fall in love, and get married to someone and the very things that they thought were endearing and charming in the beginning, end up being the things that they hate later on. Maybe this is a narcissistic trait, but I’ve had this happen in several relationships. “ I love that you are so driven an independent it’s very sexy!” And a year later they’re like “I don’t like that you don’t need me. I don’t like that you make more money than me”. It’s like they build you up to tear you down.
I've heard a theory that some people are initially attracted to people who have traits that they themselves don't have and then they start to resent that person because they have traits that they themselves don't have
@@RepentImmediatelyhmmm makes sense why they hate them later..it's their own inadequacy they don't want to work on & put the resentment factor on other person.
She sounds like my husband …. and he was diagnosed with a brain tumour! It’s now 15 years since his surgery, but things have not changed much for him. The difference is how I now react to his forgetfulness or inability to concentrate. It no longer upsets me, although it is still draining. But we are in this, together. It’s not easy for him, either.
Marriage takes a lot of forgiveness and effort. So she's not perfect, I guarantee that he isn't either. The lashing out at strangers is unacceptable and embarrassing for sure and I would gently make sure that she knows that. You're both going to have to really develop your conflict resolution and teamwork skills if you want to stay married. And...if you don't even love her then you may as well call it off now and stop wasting time. The honeymoon phase doesn't last long so love and maturity make all the difference.
I wish John asked if there's someone else in mind at the moment, sometimes that's the catalyst for someone getting help when their mind and eyes start to "wonder"
My spouse and I have both been that parent deployed in a combat zone. We agree it was easier being the one deployed 100 times over, than being the one back home taking care of the kids, the home, the cars, family visits, the pets, putting together care packages and still working a job. The parent back home would pretend everything is GREAT so the one deployed wasn't worried about anything back home and could focus on their job forward. I feel for this mans wife because he just doesn't understand the kind of pressure she is under trying to pretend that everything is great so he can focus on his job.
If he loves her, then what he’s disliking is her ACTIONS. That’s much easier to say, and to fix. God can help reveal the issue if you’re a believer and try praying about it. I was pretty obnoxious before I started trusting in God and he showed me my wrong reactions. Also, my husband and I went to a therapist once that taught us “reflective listening”, where we got in the habit of asking each other what they thought we just said. It makes us realize how much we don’t pay attention, and also how we tend to interpret things according to how we were treated when we were younger. If he was in the military, he learned darn well to listen to every thing his officer said, because people could die. Many times we will flip out if that was what we observed as a child. I’m not excusing it, just saying people can learn a different way . If they want to.
Her characteristics are not new... He was seeing all this before but hoped it would get better or change or go away. Marriage doesn't destroy issues. Marriage magnifies them.
She is an overwhelmed single parent and you expect her to be perfect and remember everything when she has mom brain and has 10,000 other things going on in her head that she needs to do because he is never around to help. He buddy- YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.
I forget conversations, things said, etc all the time. It’s something I’m very much aware of and feel ashamed about-because it hurts people who assume I was never fully in the conversation. And sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I’m just in a fog and struggle with that. It’s a constant effort to get beyond it so relationships aren’t strained. So I feel for her and I think if he really loves her like he says he does, don’t accuse. Don’t assume she just doesn’t care. Love her and work with her to figure things out. No one likes feeling like they are ignored, totally get it. But it may be something that’s really eating at her too-she just doesn’t understand the cause.
I would LOVE To hear the wife’s side. It’s very rare a woman would be on the defense like that constantly. I might sound biased , but I’m sure he has done something emotionally to have her on defense mode. If she felt like he actually cared about her the conversations would not be difficult at all. He needs to either actually love her or leave her alone.
In similar circumstances when I was asked by him if I loved him, I had no option but to say….how can I love you if I don’t like you? I was grateful when it ended!
His description of his wife sounds like me when I'm completely stressed out. I hate myself when I feel tempted to lash out at others. If my husband told me he doesn't like me when I'm already dealing with that, I would be utterly devastated. I guarantee this woman is feeling overwhelmed and unsupported. When I'm a basket case, my husband asks how he can help. Even if there's nothing he can do, it helps immensely to know that he has my back. Doc's advice on this call is dreadful.
Her husband is ex military. She could have PTSD from dealing with him... She could also be afraid to actually deal with her emotions surrounding their marriage. And that anxiety deflects onto other people. That's how dogs deal with frustrations and anxieties when they don't feel safe to directly address them. I don't see that humans are much different that way. Not excusing it, just a possible explanation for her behavior beyond adhd or a bad character. Not to mention, she's essentially a single parent for the majority of the time. And is probably absolutely overwhelmed with everything that has to be done & everything she has to think about. And does she work away from home in addition to looking after children?
and if mr superiority swoops in boasting about his adventures and perfect coworkers it makes it hard to " react" in the short time available without all that emotional baggage of the relationship affecting her. If you are suppressing anger, and reactions to this " cool dude" it can spill out on others because it's not safe to spill it on the MAN with a foot in the sky.
To all husbands: if you worry about something and you don’t tell your wife to not make her worry - I GUARANTEE - she notices. 100%. And it affects her.
But then you tell her and she explodes and get ultra angry instead of trying to reason with you.
@@awakenedone7577 if this is truly what happens when you are completely reasonable, it means she is a huge red flag.
But if you are not completely reasonable then it may be also you…
Women know. We know it all. Our instincts are spot on.
@@Maria-In-Motion it is not instinct. It is just so obvious when you look at them.
i don’t take any advice from women about women.
I was a military wife for many years. My husband was constantly deployed or out to sea for the first 6 years of our marriage. We had 3 kids under three in the beginning of our marriage. He was constantly gone for months at a time then home for 2 weeks then gone for 4 months then home for 4 months then gone for a year etc. it was HARD. The hardest part was when he came home. I put my big girl panties on when he left and took care of EVERYTHING and everyone. It was HARD. When he came home he seemed to have certain expectations. He thought it was his time to relax while I continued to do all of the parenting and all of the housework etc. He didn’t respect the schedules that I had set that kept the children happy and me sane. It was like he threw a whole wrench in our lives every time he came home. He also expected everything to revolve around him. I would cry every day and was so stressed out and overwhelmed and overstimulated that I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was obvious he didn’t like me and frankly I didn’t like him either. I was depressed and unhappy and we discussed divorce multiple times. Once he stopped deploying and started spending significant amounts of time at home things got SOO much better. I finally had help and we were able to adjust the schedules in a way that was helpful to both of us etc… I promise him being away is causing her to have a really hard time. He doesn’t see all the problems it’s causing and just blames her for everything. He needs to do some serious self reflecting and have some important conversations with her that don’t start out with YOU don’t listen and I don’t like YOU.
Wow. Same story here. When the kids were small my husband was underway all the time. He was very critical when he was home and wanted things done a certain way. We were young and he had no idea what I was going through. I didn’t express myself and he didn’t either. It hit the fan one day when he compared me to his sailor buddy’s wife who had older kids. We had a come to Jesus moment. 😂 We got through it and we’ve been married 21 years. That said I never lashed out at other people.
Exactly. ❤
Best comment.
The first two commenters are super stars. Thanks for sharing and for your perspective. It is really good for us to realize that military sacrifices are made by the entire family not just the soldier
Amen, sister! I was a civilian military wife, and family life- all of it- landed on my shoulders. We had a rhythm when he was gone, and it was hard keeping all the balls in the air, but we did it. When he came home on leave, not only did he disrupt our rhythm, he caused the whole thing to come to a screeching halt! Rules would change, bedtimes changed, but he didn't help, because he was on vacation!
When he left the military after 5 years in Afghanistan, he came home. He looked for a job, but couldn't find one he liked, so he didn't work.
We divorced. Love each other? Like each other? Heck, we didn't KNOW each other!!!!😑
Three minutes in and I can tell you she's overwhelmed and he's neglectful, because they've been astranged for the entirety of their marriage and they don't even know eachother anymore.
Completely agree 100%. Also most his issues he has about his wife completely matches up with the profile of undiagnosed and untreated ADHD. I might be completely wrong but for context I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD since grade 3 and do academic research on ADHD. Not trying to diagnose her just pointing out the lack of care and communication could be causing them to miss a fixable issue that is not fixed to her actual personality.
My thoughts too! I forget a lot of what my husband has said or told me and it’s actually embarrassing because I think something is wrong with me. I really think I have undiagnosed ADD. I also have a couple chronic illnesses that make me have brain fog along with taking care of kids. It’s hard when you’re solo parenting like she seems to be doing. An airline pilot is gone for quite a few days in a row. I think it’s sweet of her to ask him to go out on a date since they don’t see each other often.
I’d also ask, was this before or after the baby and/or if it’s intensified since… if it’s after, I was thinking maybe post natal depression.
@@ellamackinnon6484 same here, I'm not a good listener and I often tend to dose off without even noticing, especially if someone is talking nonsense or over-explaining themselves.
As an adult recently diagnosed with ADHD his list of things that he doesn’t like sound like that could be a cause. Definitely need her side of the story.
The more I listen to these calls, the more I want to hear the other person's side of things.
Same
At 13:10 you could hear Delony wanted both sides too because he made an emphasis on that I would LOVE that conversation!
Yep!
Agreed! There’s always another side to the story. People tend to sugar coat their own side.
Yes. This is a 2-way street situation.
The way he described it makes me think his wife is probably not a bad person, but she is a VERY overstimulated, overworked mom taping together her mental health because she has no time for anything and all this built up comes out as frustration, not listening. Meanwhile, she's in survival mode and cant focus or retain information, or even think straight.. Even when he said "She didnt download the app to get into the museum" Everything is probably expected of her. Its hard being a busy mom in charge of ALL THE THINGS.
Just like it's hard being a working dad responsible for all the things.
@cuttlefishlongbottomtonche3974 yeah sure. if we all live simple lives this wouldn't have happened to begin with.
this happens to me sometimes as a mom and the breadwinner. I have an unhealthy husband but he tries his best. I love him very much
Why do women keep having children and then complaining about how hard it is? Isn't that understood before you have kids? Also, likely, she is the one who bought the museum tickets. Otherwise, why would she be the one talking to the clerk about the tickets?
If you’re a stay at home mom your job is to excel at those things and not be a raging nag to the entire planet.
Absolutely no one would say it’s ok for a guy who’s spent the day roofing in the hot Sun to come home and be a 12-foot wiener to their wife.
Stop infantilizing women. Grow up.
So, he's away a lot of the time, leaving her to run the house and raise a child on her own. She asks for date nights, and sounds overwhelmed. Instead of offering support, "he doesn't like her". What a douche.
My thoughts exactly
Exactly.
😂❤
Yup . this
He cannot help how he feels now where he becomes a douche is not telling her and no evidence or not enough info supporting he doesn't help her.
Deloney you let this one go over your head. He isn’t even present in his household!!! He’s gone for days and weeks at a time and she’s practically a single mother. He recognized that she gets overstimulated and that she can lash out, but as a good husband he would share some of the burden so she wouldn’t get overstimulated. Does he control the son when they’re out in public? Why didn’t he do some research before they went to the museum? It sounds like he leaves her to crash and burn whether he’s present or away. I’d love to hear her side of the story. She seems to have a lot on her plate
Absolutely my thoughts.
Why couldn't the husband download the damn app?
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Exactly, "SHE didn't download the app". What are you doing?
@@tinahilliard4447bingo!! Why the hell could he not!?
Is this doctor even going to mention the fact that this caller has never been a full-time member of his own family, and that perhaps THAT might impact his wife?
Absentee father and husband who doesn't participate in his family...equals stressed out, post partum, emotionally volitile wife. She needs to divorce him.
Agree.
@@sarahrobertson634 If the roles were reversed and the wife was complaining about the husband, I'm sure you would not be bashing her the same way. This is not a gender war. You clearly came to a conclusion here based on a male / female dynamic. You should try de-gender the caller and the callers spouse and think about what they really are saying. It's possible that he is an absentee father and the cause of many problems, yes. It's also possible she is everything he is saying she is. Who are we to know and judge based on the information available? Have an open mind. Men and women are not enemies.
@@gidneybeans We are absolutely enemies, and this is absolutely a war. I fight for women and children, against males.
Probably shouldnt get married and have kids if your in the military I guess, or a job that takes you away from home months or weeks at a time?
I don't think he's really looking for help, he's looking for permission to ask for a divorce.
My thoughts, exactly. He seems to not be in the marriage anymore.
Yup 😒 what a liar
She’s a horrible person and you’re blaming him?
@@Freedom-Fighter1😢 how are you even comfortable making a comment like this?
@@Freedom-Fighter1I read a lot of your comments on this video, and it appears you don’t like women…at all.
John. Military wife here. He’s left her holding the bag so long she’s checked out. What an arrogant man.
No amount of stress she's under excuses her disrespect towards others. If i were one of her female friends, i wouldn't go out with her either, because it would be embarrassing to have her lashing out at people.
I heard that arrogance also. But I also don’t understand how he can love her but not like her. I don’t think he really loves her as a wife should be loved. He should know her and know that something’s going on that’s causing her to not be her best. He should be concerned about her and want to help her. That’s love. But instead he is concerned about himself and that her behavior is making him unhappy and uncomfortable. I heard no concerns for her. Sounds like narcissistic abuse
@@vinodhakirba8527I agree but at the same time it depends on the context. We only have his side of things
@@vinodhakirba8527It doesn’t excuse it. It does explain it. My guess is that she feels alone and trapped and he is not coming to help her. Like an animal with a foot caught in a vise.
I love your thinking.
I am an Airline pilot for 23 years and married for 20 years with two grownup kid. He needs to talk to someone in his carrier who is married and remain married for guidance. We all go though this initially as it is a high paid glamorous field, you see only good things in life when working. You will see everyone’s happy face at work and you think that is how everyone at home also. But at home, you are husband and wife and she doesn’t need to smile at you and ask do you need coffee or tea.
I hope he will listen to some mature guys and change the way he thinks and expectations about family life.
Well said. Former wife of a pilot and I wish he had. Sadly , many gravitate toward others " in the same boat" ... yep.
Ty for the wisdom-hopefully he hears.
As a divorced mom, I deeply value the long-married couples in my life. This is great advice.
That's an interesting perspective, thanks
Good on you, sir. You understand married life!
His contempt for her is unnerving. She's got to be overwhelmed and feeling alone with him right there.
Right? This man child lives the single life. Sounds like the wife is overwhelmed, doesn't receive help or support and is forgetful. I'm extremely forgetful due to the constant stress (of life in general) I'm in. My spouse gets so mad that I don't remember what he says. I just tell him I have a legit memory issue and it's not that I'm being purposeful with forgetting. This guy sounds like he has a supportive wife, a family and a home. Does he ask her about her? God he sounds like he's upset with a child. I'd put $ on thinking she's probably the nicest person but most tired person right now.
The husband is a jerk ...he's thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence ....he's needs to smarten up
Great analysis- always on defense
I don't think he is being a jerk per se, but he should tell her that he just doesn't want to be with her
Him holding back the truth I causing the stress on them both.
Cry harder
He’s not hardly home, but when he’s home he dislikes her and doesn’t want to spend time with her. I said this on another episode of Dr. Deloney’s show when a man said he’s always regretted his marriage: A lot of men will sit there and be a cloud of insufferable energy over there household but refuse to leave and act like everything is okay.
Exactly.
Husband is miserable as well, but complain that wife initiates a divorce.
He mentioned how she treats other people, and then can't understand how she is venting in other ways while saying he doesn't like her....OMG!!! And he thinks he contains his disdain for her?? People are so delusional. He will later blame the wife for filing for divorce and "breaking up the family".
Yes this is the one.
Facts!
@@momosan11 bingo! They don't want to be the bad guy and let's not forget "its cheaper to keep her"
Dr.John totally missed the mark on this one. The caller isnt being completely honest with his behaviour towards his wife. His wife had a child during COVID and for some females after giving birth the postpartum depression can look like anger and postparum depression can last for a few years.
He checked out of the marriage a long time ago. And lies to his wife when she asks him if he likes her. He has some growing up to do.
Does this caller listen to his wife when she is speaking to him?? I highly doubt it. I suspect he is constantly correcting her or telling her what she is doing wrong. That could be why she doesnt listen to him.
I was thinking this exact thing, especially the part where he is probably constantly correcting her. That sort of thing beats you down after awhile. You feel like your spouse is more like a parent. It's also likely that she is bottling up her emotions and then explodes. She shouldn't be taking her anger and frustration out on strangers, but I wonder if she has become really hard on herself over making mistakes because of the high standards of her husband. The pressure might be too much. It would be interesting to know if she acts the same way when her husband isn't around.
Yep this happened to me and I just checked out. Demanding perfection while always criticizing every little thing..
"Man bad"
@@meowpurrrrr If you're being constantly corrected, make the changes, dum-dum!
@@ConernicusRex "corrected". It's possible he's a nag. Usually it's the other way around, but it is possible for the man to be a nag too. When you can never do any right in the eyes of your partner it's soul crushing.
A woman quickly learns to not rely on a man if he is physically and/or emotionally gone. It’s also very strange for someone to come back into your home and try to make decisions and criticize you - especially when they are doing all of the child rearing and homemaking. She is probably lashing out because she feels neglected and knows the relationship is on the rocks.
The way he spoke like he was upset with a child... I can just imagine how he's actually talking to her like she's a child. I wonder why she would be on edge. She has no safety with him. Personally, I think this caller sounds like a tool.
By her asking him if he even likes her is a sign she knows he's checked out. Bet this ISN'T how she thought her married life would be going forward.
Yes. In my last relationship at the end of the relationship, I started being more angry, lashing at him, I was nor happy how I became. As I have studied psychology I realised I was emotionally abused and lied like this guy liws ro his wife. He was saying hw loves me, he wants to be with me, but won't keep jis promises. Also my relationship was long-distance. I regret for how I behaved at the dnd of the relationship, it's called reactive abuse to some degree.
Imagine being married with kids...but NEVER HAVING YOUR HUSBAND around to help with his responsibilities. This woman is a freaking SINGLE PARENT!
Yes. That is how me and my 3 sisters were raised. Or mom died when we were 21, 19, 14 and 14, and now 2 of us do not speak to our father, and one only with a lot of boundaries. He expected us to worship him for doing the bare minimum.
And your just going to give up on everything just because its over? Do you realize how much of a failure you sound like? You need to fight a little harder for your family. @@heatherjordan4022
Wow. Lol I just don't understand this type of thinking.
Then she is selfish if she not providing income! Sounds to me she is an immature toxic female that is not satisfied.
The husband is helping. He's making money so they have things they need.
He makes appearances in the chaotic toddler home, to judge the burned out wife 😂😂😂
This is the best comment. This captures everything.
No excuse to lash out on strangers.
the husband is cheating. That's why he doesnt like his wife. He is getting s. e///X from someone else
@@TheSunBringsJoyI agree. She needs to lash out at the person she is really angry with… her husband.
Wow. This guy has no clue. I guarantee you brother. Your wife can't stand you either. Shes lost in her own mind, has brain fog, shes alone with a toddler all day . That's why she's miserable. You made her this way and now you don't like her. Lol, men like this are really something 😂😂
Sounds like his wife is depressed/burnt out/overwhelmed...and he's oblivious.
The 'he got the gold mine, I got the shaft' feeling
It’s always the guys fault to you women.
Or might have ADHD which is quite commonly undiagnosed in women in their 30s and also linked to depression and anxiety. I feel her.
His wife has ADHD!!!!!!!!!!!
@@atuvera9021 Yes, that was my first thought
This sounds like a woman who has the world on her shoulders because she's the one home and running the house, taking care of the kid while her husband is away and then when he is back, I bet it was her who planned the day at the museum and tried to make everything go smoothly and sometimes things are just the straw that breaks the camels back, like the museum attendant asking if she downloaded the app as an answer to whatever issue she was inquiring about. She probably thought in her head 'oh, one more thing for ME to do!' Maybe the husband could have looked into what museum they were going to and noticed there was an app to download. Makes me wonder how involved in helping out he is when he is home as opposed to 'I'm home, drop everything and listen to me'.
YES!
Yes, highly likely.
Many single mothers run their lives without flipping out on people.
So it isn’t possible she’s just an a-hole?
Why is the narrative that the guy isn’t doing enough dishes, taking out enough trash, or telling her how awesome she is?
Is it a man’s job to train another adult on how to behave?
You ladies need to either step into adulthood or admit you’re the children you want to be.
You definitely sound like a woman.
I wanna hear her side 😬
Me too ! She doesn’t like him lol 😂
I am sure she would have quite a bit to add.
He is overly critical of her.
@@sueshields9107 he's critical for sure. i did not care for that comment about "oh we work out all the time" so buddy we get it. she's still hot-not fat. god forbid
@@melissam7067 I caught that too. "I'm still attracted to her....we work out all the time" Wait, what?
She needs to be heard.
When I listened to this on Spotify I was screaming in my head at how Dr.John actually missed the mark on this caller. I knew I had to come to the comments on RUclips when it was released and was relieved to see that many other people, particularly wife’s and mothers, heard the same thing I did. This husband is not supporting his wife. His wife carries the entire burden of everything. She’s unsupported by him and he’s the absent husband who has no idea what she carries every single day. The wife wasn’t in the call but us women heard exactly what the problem is. Too many of us know all to well what she is experiencing and that’s exactly what it is. I love your show Dr.John, but you missed the mark on this one!
Absolutely!!!!
Sounds like to me she has ADHD & anxiety
@@TheBrooke035or is maybe just sleep deprived from having young children???
Or maybe listen here .. she's a btch ... Stop making up excuses for women bad behavior
Agree completely. I wonder if he's considered dissecting the "she doesn't listen" problem. Is she on her phone when he's speaking to her, like is she straight up not paying attention? Or is she having memory problems? Or is she inconsiderate- has he ever asked why it's happening?
Husbands do this all the time. Can't remember doctors' appointments for kids, which cereal brand is her favorite, etc. But now that a woman does it he doesn't like her anymore...okay.
Super surprised John didn't address that this husband/father is not either of those. He's a person in a marriage and has made a child.
Why is he so confident that she likes him? How does he know?
My guess is that she's either all over him or is continually asking for time with him.
She told him-and he listened.
He sounds like a raging man child with narcissistic personality traits.
She has to like him for survival
@@ErinThePsychicWitchNot really, more like pretending to like him for survival .
This man said he cringes when his wife mentions going out and spending time with him………..omg
He’s a jerk. He puts it all on her.
Can u imagine how much he goes out with his boys, because I can guarantee he definitely being a military pilot 😂 those people are notoriously know for cheating.
A jerk anddddd a coward.
I get it, she sounds miserable to be around.
@@ll2323 omg just how far can you project? It's actually impressive
My husband will always accuse me of "attacking" him. So, I hesitate to even mention ANYTHING.
Accountability feels like an attack when they are not ready to acknowledge how their behaviour affects others.
Does he have childhood trauma? This is my husband too, but he’s seeing a therapist.
Get out.
@@_nelson_1958Grow up.
As a man. My first instinct is to accept this call for what it is before what the caller said. However, in marriage, I have learned that there are always two sides to the story. I would love to have the other side.
i would love to hear what the wife would say to this caller.
Exactly. I need to hear the wife side of the story.
If she treats people so poorly in public, I really don’t want to hear her side of the story. This is sad. I hope the best for them. I was expecting Dr. John to recommend professional counseling. 😬
@@tonii2019even in that there’s always another side. Is the husband gone for large amounts of time and then coming home and wants to be out all the time at the museum, and at the park, and at the zoo etc to make up for missed time and the wife is exhausted and resentful? Does that excuse it if that’s the case? Or course not. But there’s something at that root. He liked her when he married her and something changed in her, or him, or them.
That's not the point of the video though, we're not litigating who's right or wrong in this situation. It doesn't matter. He called for advice on his handling of the situation.
These videos makes me rethink getting married! Couldn’t imagine being married to someone who doesn’t even like me, that’s like the minimum requirement 😬
It's getting less and less worth it to get legally married, that's for sure. Nobody stays together anymore anyway.
No one in a happy marriage is calling into a radio show. You’re only hearing from the bad marriages.
It requires CIA level vetting.
@@Zumchoas opposed to what?
It’s why marrying someone you don’t want to change is 🔥
Even in friendships though you can go through seasons where one of you doesn’t like the other but usually time together fixes that.
He voices zero concern for or curiosity about his wife and her state of well being. Not once did he suggest that he was thoughtful about her situation, her needs. It was weirdly lacking.
What a piece of work! I feel sorry for his wife. I hope
she gets out while she’s young.
Yes
I hope so
I wish he would have asked..."you did not like that she didnt have the App downloaded for the museum and "lashed out" at the worker....why could you not have downloaded the App? Instead of criticizing her, what do you even do to help?
He doesn't like her. Really?? What a major a-hole. Didn't stop him from impregnating her, did it? He's never there. How would he even know if he likes her? She asks for a date night night or some time with her husband, and he cringes. I hope this woman runs. Far and fast. And I am sure she has noticed. Women notice. Total jerk. Man I am so mad for that poor woman and she is stuck with that piece of work in her life forever.
My ex worked for Airline he was a jerk. He said if I didn’t have anything intelligent to say don’t talk to him. I was stay home with 2 kids. He chose to hang out with coworkers instead with me and the kids. Been divorced 19 years it still hurts.
Oh no, 19 years is a long time to hurt over a jerk. U should have celebrated the day you signed the paperwork.
He is the sorry one.. .
You and now two grown, mature, and good-natured adult children who he missed out for self.
This guy sounds like a jerk as well - wants out of the marriage and looking for permission. Wouldn’t be surprised if there was someone else.
In stead of bettering yourself, you broke up your family smh,
@AEdavirgin How much can he belittle her when he doesn't want or like her. Those kids didn't need to live with Mr. Wonderful. He broke up their home as well without a miniscule consideration for anyone's welfare but his own.
John dropped the ball on this call. That Husband has been absent and not involved with his home life. Why can’t He download the damn app and actually participate in the relationship. This man doesn’t love his wife.
Right, why does it have to be her job to download the app, he could download the app too! How does he behave behind the scenes that makes her so stressed out when something goes wrong while out. I'm sure there are a bunch of things she has to say about how he behaves. Maybe stopping for gas at that point is going to make them late for something and she's wondering why he didn't say something about needing gas sooner so they could have planned for it.
The issue was with her lashing out at the museum worker. The worker doesn't deserve abuse for that.
She sounds like a bag of nerves poor woman. It was wrong to snap at anyone but at the end of the day she’s only human. I’d quite like to know what he was doing while she was struggling to cope
@@hummingbird4934ooooorrrrr.... she has always had these behavioral issues but, being deployed, he wasn't around enough to really see them for what they are. I mean, it's POSSIBLE. 🤷🏿♂️
We have to stop prefacing these conversations with the assumption that the woman in question walks on water. It's condescending, to say the least.
Boom…he wants out.
I suspect he’s having an affair/flings. Airline pilot. He’s trying to make it easier for him to not be with her. “It’s her, not me.”
totally my thought
@@SusannaKHmmm not always the case. You're seeing that because you got cheated on or had an affair. This happens because he has certain expectations of his wife due to his upbringing or culture and she isn't fulfilling that role.
I also suspect she has the same problem. She expects him to help around the house when his home but doesn't do that, instead he wants to relax since that's his time off work, but she never gets that.
This!!!
@@shueibdahirshe doesn’t get time off from work. Why should he?
@@carriebell3566 This is not about what should be, it's about what is. There's two people unable to understand each others perspectives and both of thel feel like they're right. Their feelings are indeed valid but they're going about this totally wrong. What they need is empathy for each other and a way to get both of their needs met
My friend was married to someone who was away a lot of the time. She had to cope alone 3 weeks out of 4, then he’d come back for a week and turn her world upside down then leave again. It’s a difficult life, you have to change how you live
Yep! The routine is in chaos. It’s stressful. They need therapy to learn how to better communicate.
She couldn't cope with spending time by herself?
@@RepentImmediately
No, she has to cope on her own by herself so when he comes home and wants everything to revert back to the routine before he left makes it difficult to transition. Military wives deal with this quite often.
This guy does need to make a major change. Become single.
Bingo!!!
The vast majority of the comments on the full video are spot on! Take a moment to watch the full version then read the comments…John missed the mark on this one, but his audience came through with flying colors!! Anyone who has walked in similar shoes of this wife will have recognized the situation immediately!!!
So many dudes just get with a woman because they are 'hot' but don't get to know them as a person.
Agreed! Unless she all of a sudden changed for the worse he should have not ignored those red flags.
I mean same could be said about literally anybody
A lot of military marry for the BAH and other amenities too.
Maybe she's just hungry 😂 because she needs to stay hot... I'm also not in a good mood, if I'm starving 😊
@@ireefree2024 What an extremely ignorant comment 🙄
He probably treats her like a child.
He’s military I know this type of man. They can be very condescending, demeaning.
You don’t know him at all 😂
you see his heart and their situation by your ears alone. You are incredible
👏👍
yupp
@@QubitVectorHis personality really came through on this call.
This guy is a self centered jerk! I went to the full broadcast and he’s not even trying to connect with his wife or even consider how difficult her life is when he’s gone! It’s all about him and his judgements of her! That poor woman!
The fact that this Video even exits proves you completly wrong He wants to fix it and He seeks help
@@enis3704, he wanted to hear Go get divorce, you deserve a better life. That's why he called.
Maybe you don’t realize everything she has to go through while you’re gone most of the time? As a former military spouse, when your husband leaves your left with everything - kids, house, car, yard…. it can sometimes be overwhelming. I don’t think many military members realize that.
When you are in the Military there are often support groups ... the Airlines, not so much. It is a lot , especially when you are uprooted from your support network. Wishing you good things. From a former wife of a Military / Airline pilot...
I need to hear her side. Having young kids makes your mind mush -- staying at home all day, every day with them, even mushier. Ever since our two small kids were born, I often struggle to truly listen and even comprehend what my husband is saying. No joke. It bothers me too.
Exactly, this man is unreal
Maybe get a jib and birth control?
I work from home (self-employed) and I definitely felt like my brain was melting when I moved to working from home to stay with the kids as a dad. One of the biggest things that helped was creating schedules of things to do with them throughout the day, where I could still work from the phone as needed. We get out of the house and go to church, go to the park, go to the mall, visit with family and friends over coffee. Staying in the house with a bunch of kids is too draining for me, but it also means more chores have to be done later.
The most selfish people call into the radio sometimes
Yep. Delusional people who complain the most don’t self reflect.
We are all selfish. It’s human nature
@@gewurztramina K… what was the point of that comment? Lol
What you just said is the equivalent of me saying “The most ruthless killers call sometimes” and you replying “Were all killers. It’s human nature”.
Is this caller a partner to his wife? He's been gone their whole relationship leaving her with all responsibilities of the home and the entire mental load. He waltzes in now and then (possibly expecting perfection) and disrupts everyday life. John forgot to ask what the caller is contributing to the relationship besides financial stability. I agree with other posters who suspect undiagnosed ADHD.
Describing a man returning home from work as "waltzing in" and "disrupting everyday life" is wild. Then to top it off we are now making up that he demands perfection. Meanwhile, his wife lashes out at strangers but its not her fault cause she probably has adhd. Why do we insist on infantilizing women and vilainizing men? Maybe she has adhd...or maybe she has a volitile personality. If the roles were reversed people would say he was a narcissist and that she should leave him.
@@mskimy1125thank you. That’s the comment I was looking for!!!
@@mskimy1125no, it is her fault, but meltdowns like that when you have autism or adhd are not the same as 'just being a jerk'. It's caused by overwhelm from actual brain processes that are different in neurodiglvergent people. They can absolutely be managed but not in the same way you'd manage it with a typical person. She needs treatment, counselling, and maybe meds specific for her co dition. That will make a world of difference and stop that behavior.
@@mskimy1125if this was a man the adhd would have been caught when he was a child.... so......
John, Walk in his wife’s shoes.
They need serious counseling, not a call in show. Hubby drops in from time to time like a comet visiting earth, and wifey is supposed to drop everything and focus intently on him. Meanwhile she is saddled with a stressful and boring life and she may well need mental help (as may he) and a lot of understanding. She probably doesn't like him either. He lies that he likes her when he doesn't. Her back is to the wall and of course she lashes out. Meanwhile he is feeling important and necessary at a high paying job. She may well feel that she is nothing. Marriage is hard. He does not know this, not does he want to change his behavior. She is the one who "needs to change" so he is always comfortable. This man is an emotional infant. They both need help.
I’d call you on a show for advice😂
😂@@jasoncraig606
“Man fault”
He wants an upgrade now that he is a pilot.
His fault. There is no excuse to lie to your spouse to avoid confronting issues in the marriage. @@fightsportspace7327
I saw the video... she needs a vacation and he needs to be more of a father and husband than only a provider.
I have been married 31 years. My wife says I’m a bad listener, at least that’s what I think she said.
Lol
😆
No, she said you’re a bad dancer. Get you ears checked.
😂
"Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention."
When I was married and my husband was in the army, he deployed for 15 months at a time while I was also active duty in the Air Force + taking care of our daughter full-time we definitely became resentful of each other. I'm sure he probably felt the same about me as this caller does his wife, I on the other hand was resentful that my husband dropped into our house from time-to-time and disrupted the household. I.E took over things and changed the routines when I was the one holding down the fort 98% of the time. Maybe this is why this caller's wife seems distant. Living completely separate lives can create a weird dynamic in a relationship.
He's pissed because his wife and household aren't to his standards. She's burned out, plain tired, and broken mentally and physically. Her treatment of other people outside of their family unit is an example if this. Your wife is not ok.
"Do you even like me?" he then lies instead of communicating. It's a problem when we want feedback, reassurance or want some honesty, and then get told what we don't need to hear.
Does she have the tools to deal with an honest answer? I wonder..
Doesn’t matter. You have to be honest. That’s her responsibility to fix, and if she wants your assistance then great but it’s not on you. People are in control of themselves only.
@artisticagi Women like this aren't in control on themselves, though.
Right?! One time my husband was like “ no I don’t” and I was like “I don’t like you either “ and we got over it a few days later 😂 marriage and love are a commitment
Who needs feedback on being a mean person. That's basics to being an Adult Human Being!
I hope he leaves her or figures out their issues before he begins to seek out other women😭 I’m a flight attendant and see pilots EVERYDAY cheat OPENLY on their wives. It’s disgusting. I hope this man can work through this or be honorable and leave before he does something disrespectful.
If I were to guess, he’s a new pilot and makes good money. There’s attractive flight attendants that he works with everyday in random cities and hotels. She’s probably really scared too that he’s being unfaithful. I think he’s going through a season of being unhappy in marriage and then sees the thrill of being a new hire pilot. He needs to make a choice.
@@Okay182most likely already cheating or about to if he's already playing this game... pretty standard as far as husband's go.
@@sarahalderman3126pretty standard as far as wives go
Yep. He’s started a new career, it’s all new and exciting then comes home to a dowdy wife but he forgets she has to raise their child! If he doesn’t like his wife, he likes someone else!!!
Of course, he's been cheating for ages
Dr. John I love you but I think you missed STEP 1. The wife is clearly unhappy. Why doesn't the husband/caller ask if she's unhappy and help figure out why and listen instead of immediately launching into "I can't be with someone who is disrespectful to other people and who don't listen to me." She wasn't always like this. So why has she become this? And what role has he played directly or indirectly? I'm not saying he can't bring up the issues he doesn't like. I'm just saying, he shouldn't start there. And by starting I'm not saying it can't even be in the same conversation. It just can't be first if he wants to get anywhere with her.
He gets to live the glorious life as the pilot who is revered, who travels, who looks amazing in the uniform and gets the oohs and aahs and she's at home trying to hold the rest of the family life together. Why couldn't he take charge of the museum day and download the app??? Like why was that HER responsibility?
Dr. John, you're the guy in the limelight with the book and the podcast - similar to the pilot. So I think you missed calling the guy out on something because you and he are a lot alike and don't see the situation from her side.
Nothing is as exhausting as living beneath your potential and unrealized dreams. Maybe she would like to do something with her life and she doesn't get a chance because she's supporting her husband's career and raising his kids. When you are burnt out, it's not that you don't listen, it's that you don't retain information. No one likes to be that person that yells at other people. She probably hates herself for doing it but she's so fried she can't control herself. Why doesn't the husband say, "What can I do for you? What are your dreams? Thank you for taking care of us." Before he starts to pick her apart.
Exactly
Facts only woman are really seeing this guy for who he really is because I’m a military wife and I know exactly how military men like to throw everything on the wife then come home and run stuff like they haven’t been on all year then nit pick there wives to death
Great, thought out comment. He's playing the blame game. Speak for himself; what does he contribute. Does he try yo relieve some of her load. Give me a break. B lame, blame like a child.
If you want to talk things out you never should bring up and make divorce an option because it comes across as a threat.
💯% If she wants that marriage at all, it will send her into a tailspin of anxiety and she won't be able to hear anything else.
Yup, it happened to me. But turns out I have huge abandonment issues. I took it as a threat and called her bluff. Now we've hurt each other so bad there's no fixing it
@@cuttlefishlongbottomtonche3974 Sad ... happens a lot.
She doesn’t like him. She loves him and wants to put forth the effort to like him again but he can’t tell the difference because he’s not trying.
Ive come to a realization that as men, we are never off the hook.
And thats okay. Thats how it’s supposed to be. When you’re married, your responsibilities go far beyond your career, paying the bills and “providing” for your family. Thats what a single man does: only take care of himself.
But if youre married and have children, youre still responsible for your family’s daily upkeep.
If your wife is dealing with 3 toddlers at home, you can come home, cook AND clean, just like you would come home as a single man, cook yourself something and wash the dishes.
So many of us think that our big job and important career is significant enough to justify us distancing ourselves from the problems at home. That putting out fires at work justifies coming home to relax. Its not. Its how you distance yourself as a father. Its how you become distant as a husband/boyfriend/lover/everything.
Masculinity is also about self sacrifice.
You are a good man and your wife is a lucky woman! Betting you are an amazing team!
❤
Thank you ❤
Two men who have no idea what it's like to be home with a toddler with no help from the other parent. It's likely she is very stressed, and they didn't consider that at all. Blame it on "seasons" and ignore the family balance issues.
My son was a terrible sleeper. I got 6 hours of interrupted sleep on a good night, 1-3 hours on a bad night. For 3.5 years. I had zero help from my husband (but a lot of criticism). It was exhausting.
@@elladeonMakes ME tired just thinking about it.
And she may have a full time on top of all that.
Doesn't by any means,give you the right to take it out on strangers..
@Bullen_3 it doesn't, and that is a failing that she has to deal with (whatever the cause). But he obviously has a wife that's struggling, and his reaction for years has just been to abandon her. He doesn't have the right to judge her.
I've been married 20 years. In our early years we resolved most of our conflicts through letters and email. Sometimes you have to try different forms of communication. As a bonus we go back and read them years later and it's always hilarious.
Too funny!!
Good point. If my wife wants me to remember an event, its easier to email me so I can put it on my calendar. I’ll also send email reminders that are more effective than a text or passing word.
I’ve stopped text fighting because it goes nowhere. Email fighting would likely be the same. Direct calm conversation is the best way for me.
That's a great idea. My husband and I wrote letters while we were dating and we should get back into that.
All of our fights have been over and through texts. It works great for 2 quiet introverts! We get to the root issue quicker than in person.😊
That's why I left a comment box in the kitchen. I'll get to them at the end of the month.
To the caller and the therapist- Speaking from my own experience as a wife, mother, and full time working woman, this man’s wife is exhausted, she’s had years of being left behind, and carrying responsibility for everything to do with their home and child. She doesn’t hear him, because she’s living inside her own thoughts 99% of the time. The caller is high on living his single, exciting life, meeting younger men and women who might not be burdened with the same responsibility shouldered by his wife. He needs to be honest with himself, he doesn’t want a wife, child, and responsibilities, he wants to be free. He wants to live a single life answering only to himself, not to mention the chance of seeing other women (has he already had affairs?), he thinks that the grass is going to be greener on the other side, he’s in for a shock!
She's not paying the bills so no she's not carrying everything. If he stops working there's no home to carry.
Spot on! This call was terrible to listen to. Zero accountability.
This is why men don’t talk about things. Women immediately defend, instead of hearing. Did he ever say he was perfect. He didn’t need to explain that she solely takes care of the kids it was IMPLIED, both men understood that point.
As he spends so much time away from home, I would have asked if he was seeing someone else and finding an excuse to dislike her.
If she has a young child at home and she is alone, most of the time, she may just feel overwhelmed that she has most of the family responsibilities.
She might be so stressed out and she's lashing out. Sometimes women have issues expressing feelings as well. The issue I have is that men Sometimes don't want the woman coming back to him with issues she has with him. He just wants to be the one to have the issue. It's giving controlling vibes when men do that.
Forgetting things, not listening, forgetting conversations, lashing out when emotional…does your wife have ADHD?
Good point! Lots of women don't get diagnosed until they're adults, bc they don't appear like the stereotypical hyperactive boys
And/or autism
I was thinking the same thing
I have ADHD and (if that's it) it's possible to manage it way better than this. His wife sounds extremely challenging to deal with, sure some things I can't help like delayed verbal processing and forgetting conversations, which is why I take notes and use tools to help my memory. I take ownership over managing myself and my responsibilities, and I don't treat people in a mean or rude way. ADHD isn't an excuse for her being "emotionally explosive" at all and making others walk on eggshells, nor is it an excuse for avoiding accountability when you mess up. I wouldn't want to be around somebody like that either
Sounds like me ! My minds runs a mile a minute he could be talking and I’m making a grocery list in my head. He complains I don’t listen
If he doesn’t like his wife, who else is he liking?!?!! Should have asked him that question lol
I agree
True. Sounds like he’s working around what the real issue/situation is instead of pointing out her flaws! She’s tapped out from trying to connect with him.
Husband ASSUMES wife likes HIM? And if she doesn’t, she has ADHD? Bahahaha He’s allowed to reject her and she ISN’T?
U sound very much like the unlikeable wife being talked about.
Defensive much? People know when they are likable or difficilt. I know I'm difficult, get frustrsted easily, and dont listen well. He knows he is likeable and easy going...you can hear it in his voice. Why are you surprised by this?
@@dc1674 bro code duly noted. John’s advice was terrible then: No need to have a “state of the union talk with (the) wife”. She already knows she’s unlikeable and thus, her husband doesn’t like her. Simple!
Who hurt you? Lol
No it’s just that the way he describes her sounds like ADHD
Oh honey, this was me. And my husband is the same way. We’ve been married a decade and he went to alcohol for a few years to deal with it and then I realized my marriage was worth more. Have you told her any of these feelings. She’s emotionally snappy because she either doesn’t have a Community or she misses you and doesn’t think she matters.
She's snappy because she is a married single mother and she has checked out of the marriage it is so obvious
I can guarantee that there is a huge lack of intimacy and connection, and that's why she's lashing out . She feels the rejection and disconnect since he's always gone . He's definitely not being 100% honest and shifting the blame all on her. I know this story to well . Smh
She hates him and is trying to tolerate his ass when he is home.
She’s probably also telling herself she is the problem to not be able to manage everything all the time.
@@fancyfree8228 I hear that... 😢
Once you allow resentment and contempt into your marriage, you’re in big trouble. Every relationship has this temptation. The tempting door to resentment is always present, both parties need to choose to not walk through it by being bravely honest.
My husband traveled for work almost every week for 2-4 days the first half of our marriage. It wasn't so bad before we had kids, but once we did, it was completely chaotic and overwhelming in every way. That was with my parent's helping me with the kids as much as they could when he was gone. Every week was an adjustment to him leaving, getting into a routine, being both mommy and daddy, just when you get into a bearable rhythm, not a good one just doable, he'd be back and throw a wrench in the whole thing. We all had to adjust and it was hard, worst than when he would go, the kids would act out horribly, just so much confusion. We would get I to the swing of things, and then again, have to revert back once he was gone again. I was a mess, the kids were a mess. Every week was something to be endured and just get thru, as opposed to something to be experienced and lived to the fullest. I went into survival mode, he did not. There was a huge disconnect. Thankfully, my husband is a wonderful man and pushed harder for a raise so we could hire some help around the house, just to give me a break. Honestly, in hind sight, I think just his understanding and compassion on me was what really helped, not so much the hired help, although that was nice. I definitely felt like I didn't have to just endure all the time. I was and still am thankful for his job, although it definitely was a love hate relationship. He stopped traveling for a living and started working from home after that, and boy was that whole another adjustment! But, I love having him here with us rather than on the road all the time. Much easier on our family dynamics, and not feeling like a parttime single parent. It was so stressful on me and the kids. My husband understood that, and how hard and sometimes damaging that really was. That was the biggest piece for us being able to connect again, as he specifically sought out a career where he wouldn't have to travel so much because of me and the kids. I would say, what this man is feeling or not liking about his wife is just a small percentage of the torment she is going through. He needs to seek to understand first before casting judgment.
I used to say to my ex husband "I have no doubt you love me but I don't think you like me very much"
It explains why he’s your ex.
When I said these words to the guy I was dating that’s when I knew it was time to let it go. “I don’t think you like me” that hurt to say out loud to him
It must have been something you were doing to why he doesn’t like you
@@lela888not necessarily. Just because someone treats you with disdain doesn’t mean you deserved it.
@@iamjessie.bI get it. Sometimes a person will be with you to get benefits. Seggs, money, place to stay, and even just not to be alone., but they don’t like you or you’re just not “the one”. You deserve someone who likes and loves you. To all those who will listen, taking seggs off the table really helps to see things more clearly.
Very insightful comments section. There is a lot more to this callers story that viewers are picking up on.
She’s overwhelmed! Have some empathy & change your tone. Step up as a husband and father! It amazes me that men like to have such big opinions when they are barely around. A woman treats you how you treat her!
His advice here misses the mark so badly. First of all the wife likely has undiagnosed and untreated ADHD which can manifest in not paying attention as well as impulse control issues and angry outbursts. This poor woman is at home alone with a young child half of the time while her husband is traveling and the other half of the time she is desperately trying to connect with and please her husband. John is giving advice on how the husband can dump more things on her to worry about and fix rather than encouraging him to have some patience and understanding. She likely needs medication and/or therapy for ADHD and probably more help at home to manage life while her husband is traveling!
❤ agree.
I agree to some extent. It took someone to bring to my attention my behavior before I even THOUGHT about having ADHD. I'm glad my loved one said something so that I could work on me, and in turn, work with my husband on our relationship.
John to me hits %30 of the time
omg how about your misdiagnosis idiot. adhd haha so pathetic thats an excuse and bs
Ya ppl everyone who doesnt listen is rude and gets defensive is adhd. stfu
I just broke up with my boyfriend, because i knew he doesn't like me anymore. I'm the one who said that it's over between us, he doesn't say anything, he doesn't deny it. It hurts, but i don't wanna hurt myself more, and i don't wanna spend my time with a person who doesn't like me. And if my husband said he doesn't like me, man i better leave.
You did the right thing and I know it hurts but one man's trash is another man's treasure. Don't make the same mistake twice.
You are wise! Be very careful of who you marry. And never forget who you are and know your worth. It doesn’t matter if you’re ex didn’t know it.. you do and you know what he came close to having but he’s stupid. You deserve to be loved and you are smart enough to know when you’re getting less than what you deserve
Good I know it hurts, but it’s better to get out of a loveless relationship than to stay in it for pity
Spot on. My husband and I have been married 29 years and we are having this super beautiful season now but at year 7-8 we had the hardest time. We actually got our selves into counseling with a wonderful older couple at our church for two years that helped us turn it all around. Work on it together it will be worth it.
This isn't spot on. Wife is basically a single mother who deserves someone better.
This guy is cringe. Wife needs to divorce him. Ew.
Sounds like she's mad about something really deep within her, might be because the husband is away alot.
Maybe it’s because he cringes when he’s around her.
She feels that contempt. He thinks she doesn't notice but she does. I guarantee you if she doesn't hear what he's saying on a car ride it's because she's worrying about what he thinks about her. He's never home and he acts like he hates her and to her she probabaly thinks he's found someone else. That's just how women can feel when their husband's are never home and then when they are they can't hide their contempt. Then I imagine he snaps at her in public in front of strangers which makes her feel even worse about their relationship. So he notices her being mean to strangers while he sees nothing wrong with saying things at her in front of those same people. She's frazzled with a 3 year old while he lives like they don't exist for the most part.
Do you know what’s agonizing and makes you feel “crazy”?
Having a KNOWING FEELING but hearing the one you love, constantly lie- and denying what your intuition says. When something is different- you know it, because you FEEL it.
When an ex went on a gaming trip with friends… he was distant, but I chalked it up to “he’s gaming, and having fun”… the moment he walked in the door- the love for me was gone. One look- that’s all it took… that love that was IN HIS EYES before he left… was gone. I knew it. Even though he told me all the things I “wanted to hear”… I knew.
And thank god… because I’m happier now, than I’ve ever been. I feel whole. I feel loved, by myself, and those I love. It CRUSHED me at the time… but I’m glad I didn’t get what I thought I wanted. I learned to TRUST my instincts and intuition.. but other than that, I truly wish I’d never met him.
This guy doesn't deal with this an adult because of his job but allows his son to be exposed to these behaviors. Her entire life changes when he is home, he doesn't talk about daily things once in this call, he mentions going to a museum, dealing with others outside the home, it's always something different and special when he's home as far as is mentioned. That can be exhausting...
🔥This one sank fast and furious. 😢 Dr. John is off the mark; the condescending comments are crazy. She’s the one holding down the fort and dealing with the daily, he flies in and wants happy pants, meanwhile she’s tired/frustrated/and lonely. Ever been next to your spouse and yet a mile away in energy. She’s probably ready to find how to get out and find a marriage that is more balanced and stable. But hey, he doesn’t ‘like’ her. 😂
I wish we could hear her side. Sounds like she has so much responsibility.
The caller is being truthful that he doesn’t like his wife, but he is making excuses for why he feels like that. Unfortunately, in these scenarios one person is likely just bored, and finds reasons to leave, no matter how trivial they are.
Perhaps frame it as: "I want to work toward improving the dynamic of our marriage and how we communicate." Be gentle and tender, and continue to express how much you cherish your spouse, family and life together.
She's probably exhausted from having to take care of everything while he's away. She probably resents him for not helping with their kid, etc. Hopefully she's honest with him as well.
Wow , cant imagine how it would feel if husband doesnt talk to her and she finds this . 😮
The same happened to me for years, we almost separated… then the doctor found out it was ADD inattentive. So now, when I talk to him I don’t do it in a casual way as I do with other people. I just make him to stop doing whatever he is doing and then talk, so in that way, I’m sure he is only doing one thing at a time.
I replied above about this. Many people have no idea they have it.
Honestly a lot of people could benefit from this advice of "just stop what you're doing and listen". I make my husband turn off the TV when I have something important to tell him.
Does you adhd make you shout at strangers and be rude to them. Especially customer representatives and people in service industry? Now I’m curious.
@@shachede6828yes
@@shachede6828 why does Arabian Nights come to mind when I look at the letters of your name.
The wife in question is obviously stressed and feeling pressure to have her husband proud of her. Remember she is a single parent and wants her husband happy when he is home. He is around perfectly dressed women who smell wonderful, smile his way and look like a million bucks.
He’s never there and she takes out her frustration on others. For him to say that she “likes him” but he doesn’t like her-he isn’t living in reality. Brother!
What I’ve noticed, is that people often fall in love, and get married to someone and the very things that they thought were endearing and charming in the beginning, end up being the things that they hate later on. Maybe this is a narcissistic trait, but I’ve had this happen in several relationships.
“ I love that you are so driven an independent it’s very sexy!” And a year later they’re like “I don’t like that you don’t need me. I don’t like that you make more money than me”. It’s like they build you up to tear you down.
I've heard a theory that some people are initially attracted to people who have traits that they themselves don't have and then they start to resent that person because they have traits that they themselves don't have
@@RepentImmediatelyhmmm makes sense why they hate them later..it's their own inadequacy they don't want to work on & put the resentment factor on other person.
She sounds like my husband …. and he was diagnosed with a brain tumour! It’s now 15 years since his surgery, but things have not changed much for him. The difference is how I now react to his forgetfulness or inability to concentrate. It no longer upsets me, although it is still draining. But we are in this, together. It’s not easy for him, either.
This is one where I would like to hear the wife's side.
Marriage takes a lot of forgiveness and effort. So she's not perfect, I guarantee that he isn't either. The lashing out at strangers is unacceptable and embarrassing for sure and I would gently make sure that she knows that. You're both going to have to really develop your conflict resolution and teamwork skills if you want to stay married. And...if you don't even love her then you may as well call it off now and stop wasting time. The honeymoon phase doesn't last long so love and maturity make all the difference.
I wish John asked if there's someone else in mind at the moment, sometimes that's the catalyst for someone getting help when their mind and eyes start to "wonder"
I was thinking the same thing. How does he know she likes him? Maybe she says she does. I think he is looking for an excuse.
Wander. Not wonder.
@@amandabloom3139 ohh thanks for the correction!
My spouse and I have both been that parent deployed in a combat zone. We agree it was easier being the one deployed 100 times over, than being the one back home taking care of the kids, the home, the cars, family visits, the pets, putting together care packages and still working a job. The parent back home would pretend everything is GREAT so the one deployed wasn't worried about anything back home and could focus on their job forward.
I feel for this mans wife because he just doesn't understand the kind of pressure she is under trying to pretend that everything is great so he can focus on his job.
If he loves her, then what he’s disliking is her ACTIONS. That’s much easier to say, and to fix. God can help reveal the issue if you’re a believer and try praying about it. I was pretty obnoxious before I started trusting in God and he showed me my wrong reactions. Also, my husband and I went to a therapist once that taught us “reflective listening”, where we got in the habit of asking each other what they thought we just said. It makes us realize how much we don’t pay attention, and also how we tend to interpret things according to how we were treated when we were younger. If he was in the military, he learned darn well to listen to every thing his officer said, because people could die. Many times we will flip out if that was what we observed as a child. I’m not excusing it, just saying people can learn a different way . If they want to.
Her characteristics are not new... He was seeing all this before but hoped it would get better or change or go away. Marriage doesn't destroy issues. Marriage magnifies them.
Or he never paid enough attention to her to notice… seems like everything is all about him.
People can change. Circumstances injuries /mediccal issues, traumas PTSD, postpartum, hormonal disruptions... So many things can affect a person.
She is an overwhelmed single parent and you expect her to be perfect and remember everything when she has mom brain and has 10,000 other things going on in her head that she needs to do because he is never around to help. He buddy- YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.
Gee a baby in Covid and a husband who is away all the time. It doesn’t sound stressful at all…
Severe sleep deprivation from raising little kids that NEVER sleep can cause a lot of this. I speak from experience!
Why couldn't you download the museum thing? And he's thinking about cheating and trying to justify it in advance
So obvious
Yep. And 100% she does everything. He doesn’t want to be home because he doesn’t want the responsibilities.
Absolutely! Spot on!
I forget conversations, things said, etc all the time. It’s something I’m very much aware of and feel ashamed about-because it hurts people who assume I was never fully in the conversation. And sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I’m just in a fog and struggle with that. It’s a constant effort to get beyond it so relationships aren’t strained. So I feel for her and I think if he really loves her like he says he does, don’t accuse. Don’t assume she just doesn’t care. Love her and work with her to figure things out. No one likes feeling like they are ignored, totally get it. But it may be something that’s really eating at her too-she just doesn’t understand the cause.
I would LOVE To hear the wife’s side. It’s very rare a woman would be on the defense like that constantly. I might sound biased , but I’m sure he has done something emotionally to have her on defense mode. If she felt like he actually cared about her the conversations would not be difficult at all. He needs to either actually love her or leave her alone.
At least you admitted to being biased
Anyone wondering if the wife is depressed? Tired of being a single parent and judged soon as he walks back in?
In similar circumstances when I was asked by him if I loved him, I had no option but to say….how can I love you if I don’t like you? I was grateful when it ended!
I hope she sees this video and recognizes his voice and divorces him. She deserves better. 💖
Yeah, the caller is extremely unlikable. He sounds like a jerk
Wishing divorce on people is evil.
@@francestaylor9156 And wishing ppl stay in an unhappy marriage isn't?
@@francestaylor9156What is more evil than a man that hates his wife and cringes when asked to go for dinner dates?
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
His description of his wife sounds like me when I'm completely stressed out. I hate myself when I feel tempted to lash out at others. If my husband told me he doesn't like me when I'm already dealing with that, I would be utterly devastated. I guarantee this woman is feeling overwhelmed and unsupported. When I'm a basket case, my husband asks how he can help. Even if there's nothing he can do, it helps immensely to know that he has my back. Doc's advice on this call is dreadful.
Her husband is ex military. She could have PTSD from dealing with him... She could also be afraid to actually deal with her emotions surrounding their marriage. And that anxiety deflects onto other people. That's how dogs deal with frustrations and anxieties when they don't feel safe to directly address them. I don't see that humans are much different that way.
Not excusing it, just a possible explanation for her behavior beyond adhd or a bad character.
Not to mention, she's essentially a single parent for the majority of the time. And is probably absolutely overwhelmed with everything that has to be done & everything she has to think about. And does she work away from home in addition to looking after children?
and if mr superiority swoops in boasting about his adventures and perfect coworkers it makes it hard to " react" in the short time available without all that emotional baggage of the relationship affecting her. If you are suppressing anger, and reactions to this " cool dude" it can spill out on others because it's not safe to spill it on the MAN with a foot in the sky.